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Hi Jennifer,
Welcome! This is a good place to explore different ways to approach things!
I know it can be incredibly frustrating to have a guy connect very strongly and then slowly disappear. It doesn’t feel good.
As much as you want him to “cut it out,” what is more important is to pay attention to this. He is telling you something by NOT telling you something. It’s very possible that he is playing games and he is just more interested in having sex than developing something serious.
Also, texting sweet/sexy things, to a guy you barely know, can be quite a turnoff for a guy. It can feel like moving too fast and a guy will slow his role sooooo fast and be a lot less responsive when he feels like the woman is latching on.
What I would suggest is to back off. Stop initiating any texting. Let him reach out to you and respond to him when HE makes the effort. And sometimes, wait 24 hours to respond just like he does. It will help him feel like there is some good, healthy space.
Is this the typical way you approach dating? Do you tend to connect pretty strongly, pretty fast? Do you tend to have sex pretty quickly? Are you looking for something serious or just wanting a friends with benefits kind of situation.
Looking forward to hearing back from you!
Heidi
I know you feel split in half. It’s so incredibly hard when we have strong feelings for a guy, to let go and stop reaching out. It’s going to take a lot of strength for you – at least for right now.
Get back out there and keep dating. Keep reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter how great things are when they are in person, he is not able to maintain that connection when you are away from each other. It’s like “out of site, out of mind” for him and you ABSOLUTELY deserve sooooooo much more than that kind of connection. You want a guy who is connective with you even when you are apart. You want a guy who is responsive to you, a guy who initiates, a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you. That is NOT this guy. So every time you think about him and want to reach out, remind yourself of the truth that he doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated. He is NOT invested and that is not okay for you to keep dishing out your sacred, heart energy to a guy who doesn’t value it.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
This is a great list! Well done!
The first thing I REALLY want to continue to emphasize is to not personalize anything. You have this tendency to use the “you” a lot when describing something – which makes it very personal – and there is a chance it can be quite off putting or misconstrued. For example, when you say “I’d rather be sharing a bowl of popcorn with “you” while watching “your” favorite team than a movie – this is quite assumptive that every guy has a “team” so if a guy doesn’t have a team, he won’t see himself in this role and not be able to identify with what you are saying. Also, it portrays that you are the kind of woman that is willing to and happy to give up what YOU want to actually watch for the man…which can be construed as you being the type of woman who is a “people – pleaser” and that is a trait a lot of men are turned off by.
Let’s go through these a bit:
1. I love the first one – it demonstrates that you are playful and love to have fun
2. I’m not sure about this one because I’m not the demographic you are wanting to attract plays video games. Video games are typically associated with kids or young adults, so I’m not sure that it’s an analogy that is useable for the age group that matches with you. So leave the first part and maybe consider changing the second part to something that is more common you find in your age group?
3. Maybe consider changing this one all together? Why not talk about your photography or going on a walk or cooking or learning a new hobby over going out to a fancy restaurant or something like that. Again, keep away from making it personal by taking out the “you” part of it.
4. This is a great one!
5. This one doesn’t tell me much about you other than I might get the impression you are “needy” and you want to be with someone rather than being alone – which again is a trait that many men run away from.And just because I am saying all of this, doesn’t mean I am “right.” It needs to make sense to YOU more than anything. So if all of these feel really to good to you, then stick with it! What I will tell you is that it is waaaaaay more interesting to read than a typical paragraph of someone listing their qualities. It’s different, it’s more fun, it’s interesting, it makes me think about myself and therefore it’s more effective and makes you stand out a bit more.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Martina,
I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything you are sharing! You are quite knowledgeable and it makes this conversation that much more expansive. So let’s dig deeper!
The general theme that I noticed in what you just wrote, is that what you believe and have experienced, DOES NOT align with what the thoughts that showed up in your actions of building the wall and sabotaging the connection.
I’ll start with these statements – you felt this way with him:During the relationship and after break up I wondered why I felt so good with him. I found several answers. Because I had the feeling that he always experienced, saw, heard and listened to me. How can I say it, somehow he always cared for me and tried to make me feel happy. He would also listen to my problems or wishes, ideas and react to them, either with small gestures or actions or conversations…Furthermore, I always felt that he had respect for me as well as for himself. I also felt that he had trust and reliability in me. But your thought process that led to you not being honest with him from the beginning was: Yes, I thought that at that moment my unclear opinion would be a burden to him. Also, I was afraid to hear “inconvenience” him with my thoughts. There is a discrepancy here, right? If he has never taught you or told you that your feelings were a burden and if he has never communicated or showed you that your feelings would “inconvenience him” THEN…that means this thought process you had that led you into shutting him out is coming from your subconscious. Someone, somewhere, somehow, taught you this. People DO NOT have these types of thoughts without someone teaching them this.
Let’s go a layer deeper…So this discrepancy between what your experiences are with him and the story you created about “inconveniencing” him or “burdening” him with your feelings shows you the difference between your conscious and your subconscious. In this particular case, your subconscious was stronger…the wounded part of you in your subconscious that is carrying the story that your feelings are a burden or inconvenient to him – is the part of you that built that wall.
Here is another discrepancy – you KNOW the truth through and through with this statement: The funny thing is that I actually have a great awareness of the value and significance of negative emotions, in fact I problematized my artistic practice, where I dedicated an entire exhibition to that topic. And everything you wrote about negative emotions absolutely stands and everything you wrote is very valuable and important. But your actions DO NOT align with this truth: I built such a strong wall that eventually destroyed it.
Again, your conscious and your subconscious “splitting” you. Here is another way to look at it….You have a lot of KNOWLEDGE, but turning into WISDOM is a completely different thing. Knowledge is the truth you are able to know. It’s you filling up your mind to understand what is happening and why. Wisdom is knowledge in action. You know when knowledge has reached the wisdom level, when you actually are able to live that knowledge in your life through and through. I’ll use what you say here as an example. You have the knowledge of the truth of the value of the dark emotions/feelings. Yet…your ACTIONS showed you that you hid your darker/confusing/fearful thoughts and feelings from your guy. So in this particular situation, you were not able to have your ACTIONS align with your KNOWLEDGE. So…your adult knows the truth, but your wounded child has a very different story that inhibits the truth to guide your actions. Instead, your fear guided your actions. Basically, all this shows you is that your wounded self, who is only trying to protect you, was stronger than your adult self, who knows you don’t need to protect yourself from him.
Like I said in the beginning Martina, you are quite knowledgeable…but some of that knowledge is not a part of you yet, because you still have a pretty strong little girl energy running a “story” around love that it’s not safe to be open and vulnerable and honest. That’s the beauty of these kinds of challenges and heartbreaks that show up…it reveals where we are not in alignment in our actions with the truths that we know.
I hope I explained all of this to where it’s making sense to you. It’s so incredibly hard to explain all of this over messaging. I hope I am understanding you correctly and that you are understanding more about your actions vs. the truth that you know.
And let me make sure I am really clear here: everything I am explaining here is situation specific and not to be generalized. You may live the majority of time being very open and honest with your guy, but in this particular situation you didn’t. This is so important to understand, because this specific situation triggered a fear response in you that disconnected you from your truth. Understanding what that specific piece is – can lead you deeper into understanding more about how you relate to “love.” Does this make sense?
Heidi
The sad thing is, I know I he is capable of showing affection/emotion and being more romantic.. Let’s look at reality here though. I know you know this part of him exists, but the REALITY is that he does not live that way and he hasn’t lived this way in a really long time. From what you are telling me, he has slowly continued to distance himself to the point where you guys live as roommates and nothing more. I love that he supports in one area of your life. However, there is another area of your life where he IS NOT supporting you. Is that something you can be okay with? It doesn’t make him a “good” or “bad” guy. It just makes him a person with limitations, just like all of us. The thing is, his limitations really affect your connection in a way that is killing off the energy.
He’s just so deep in work, so that he can provide, that it consumes him and the last few days have been void of most all emotion. You are making excuses for him here. You are finding a reason to “excuse” his lack of emotion. The truth is, work is just an excuse, not the REASON. There are PLENTY of men out there that work a lot, but they still have emotions, they still connect with their partners, they still are romantic and they still create space to nourish their relationships. What the challenge here is, is that he is CHOOSING not connect to his love anymore with you. Work is just a place where he can distract him and also give you a “valid” reason as to why he is not available and you are accepting that. If you didn’t accept that and asked for more from him, I think you would end up facing the reality that he is not willing to fight to “wake up” the relationship and connection again. I imagine this is what you are most afraid of, so you are accepting HIS design of connecting like roommates.
When you think back to the time when you felt he was really connected to you and romantic, what kinds of activities did you do together? How did he show you that he loved you? In what ways was he romantic with you?
Heidi
Hi Adelaide,
You didn’t mess anything up. The RIGHT kind of guy for you, will not let your anxiety or your pressure or your questions or having sex too early, stop him from wanting to know you and connect with you. The RIGHT kind of guy for you, will have a very natural desire to want to connect, to want to talk, to want to learn about you.
This guy is behaving EXACTLY like what he says he wants…something casual. He is NOT interested in anything serious with you. He is treating you like a “friends with benefits” type of casual. He enjoys you when you guys are able to get together, but other than that, the texting and phone conversations are not something he is interested in doing. He also knows you feel more strongly for him than he feels about you, so I have no doubt that he is keeping his distance to prevent “leading you on.”
You think you are losing this guy, but to be honest, you never really had him the first place. You want a relationship and you want to progress with him, but his words AND actions are completely aligned – he wants casual and nothing more. It’s important for you to really honor this. You are either not the right fit for him or he is just not emotionally available. It doesn’t matter “why,” what matters is that he is not able to offer you what you want. Even if you had done everything “perfectly” it wouldn’t change that he is who he is right now.
It seems you are pretty wrapped up in the idea of getting him to commit to you. I understand as you feel very strongly for him. What’s more important that anything is for you to really respect and listen to who he is right now. So for right now, I suggest to keep the pressure off of him. It sounds like the design you guys have right now where you occasionally meet up, is what works well for him. Is that something you are happy doing? I would also suggest to connect with him less. Again, if YOU make all the effort, he doesn’t have to “work” for you. Are you willing to let HIM reach out and ask to meet with you? Can you let him miss you? Are you okay texting him less?
Heidi
Hi BB,
Welcome! I love that you are here seeking another opinion. Very smart! We all need help with our relationships from time to time.
I can understand your worry and concern. For him to have a sudden shift like that, is definitely suspicious. Until you have some kind of proof, there really is no way of knowing and it’s just a guessing game…a game not worth playing. Either confront him about it or wait for more information to get exposed or start looking for evidence.
What you CAN focus on is the relationship itself. From how you describe it, it seems you do not feel very nourished by it. No romance, no connection other than talking about work, he doesn’t show emotion – so it sounds exactly like what you said – a roommate type of situation and not an alive and vibrant connection….so I’m wondering…do you actually like your relationship? Is having a “nice” guy enough for you? Instead of thinking of this from the perspective of “I think he has lost interest in me” what if you looked at it as if “Does he interest ME? Do I love being around him? Does he stimulate my mind, body and spirit?” It sounds like he is a guy who you feel safe and comfortable with, but beyond that, there isn’t much else going on.
So here is the hard question you need to really explore…if he stayed exactly the same and never changed (aside from him waking up all edgy and weird), can you imagine feeling happy with him and nourished by him 5 more years? 10 more years? Is what he offers you the kind of love you want to continue to experience for many more years?
Heidi
Hi Erica,
I just wanted to check in. Any thoughts or feelings about what I said? Any new developments??
Heidi
So how did the bid go? What exactly are you remodeling? I hope it turns out to be something affordable and wonderful for you.
Heidi
Hi Erica,
Welcome! What a way to fall in love.
You haven’t shared much detail, so I’m unsure how to guide you. I’m curious about how couple’s therapy is going. How long have you guys been together now? What types of issues are you discussing in therapy? Does he seem to be open to growing and connecting? Does he seem to take the guidance from therapy and apply it to the relationship? If you didn’t know about him hitting on other girls, how would you describe your relationship? Do YOU feel happy and that you guys are growing and bonding more?
Do you know if he has ever cheated before in other relationships?
I understand you being cautious in the beginning with a musician. They do have quite a reputation for cheating because of the easy attention they receive.
I understand you feel like you are in love with him and that makes it incredibly difficult to make a decision to leave him. I would say the decision is yours to make, but from a different kind of mindset. Love is more about you. Ask yourself this question…is it a LOVING, NOURISHING and RESPECTFUL thing to YOURSELF, loving your guy? Another way to say it is this….is loving him, a respectful, nourishing, and kind thing for your heart? If you valued your heart beyond anything….if you viewed and cared for your heart as if it were the most sacred treasure in the entire world, do you feel safe sharing your heart with him? Do you feel safe that he would take care of and honor your heart as if it were the most sacred treasure?
Heidi
Isn’t so nice to get see more of the outside? I love how the blinds are making the windows feel bigger! The smallest things can make the biggest difference!
As far as Brandon goes, I would suggest to pick one thing to try and let him do the rest. One of your habits is to over-initiate, so try something different. Let HIM initiate and then in your response, you can subtly let him know you are enjoying his company. Stay away from compliments for right now. Save those for later on down the road. The thing you want to avoid is coming across like you are trying really hard to get his attention or make him feel good as that can be a turn off for a guy IF IF IF he isn’t sure if he is interested in you. The goal here is, to see if HE initiates. You make yourself available and ask 1 question and see what he responds like. Let HIM ask the next question. The goal here is NOT about figuring out how to let him know you are interested, but instead to see if he is interested in you and makes some effort in trying to connect with you. THEN…if he does show interest this time around, that’s something to build off of. LET THE GUY DO THE WORK!!!! Make yourself available for connection of course, but LET HIM DO THE WORK!!! You are masterful at generating conversation, initiating connection and making things happen, so take a back seat this time and be the receiver instead of the generator.
Thoughts on that??
Heidi
I love that you are so aware of all the different types of situations and how you show up with expressing your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You are VERY normal where a part of you absolutely values your own opinion and you will not have any issues expressing them at the most effective time. AND…there is another part of you that acts in opposition to that. You say that you value your opinion, but if that were true, through and through and in every single situation, you wouldn’t have these “stories” listed below. So all this tells you is that you are “split” so to speak. You have a part of you with higher self esteem and a part of you with lower self-esteem. Just like all of us. I typically move through my life incredibly confident and then I will watch myself stay quiet in situation, stress in certain scenarios that would not reflect a woman with high confidence. It’s just all part of the human experience!
burden and tire someone with my opinions.
the fact that I didn’t want to burden him with it, that I didn’t want to reject and inconvenience him, that I didn’t want to be too needy, that I did not want to push him away. Also because I actually didn’t know what I felt and thought about that idea at that moment. Even when I realized that I should talk about it, I never found the right moment.
Let’s talk about these stories you have created about yourself. First, do you know where you learned this? Who taught you along the way that your opinion was a “burden” or that you would “inconvenience” someone with your opinion or that your needs were “needy?”
Now let’s break this down even more. What’s the evidence that your guy feels your opinions were “needy” and a “burden?” Has he ever said that to you? Has he ever dismissed your opinions and needs? Does he tend to reject you when you express your opinions or needs?
I also want to encourage you that your opinion, feelings and thoughts matter EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT!!! This is a “perfection” type of programming. I used to be the same way, where I would only express my thoughts once I had it all sorted. Sometimes that is important of course, but many times….especially with our intimate partners, you can share your thoughts and feelings as a form of processing and just allowing your partner to witness you and see you move through your journey. So when he asked you about buying a house, you could have said something like “You know…I’m having mixed feelings about it and I’m noticing that some fear is coming up about it. I’m not quite sure what it’s all about, but I’m going to explore it more and I’ll get back to you.” Or “I love the idea! AND I feel some fear about it. I’m not quite sure what I’m afraid of. Do you mind if I just talk it through with you?” MANY times, the people closest to us and who know us, can reflect back what they are hearing and offer some great insights. Do you feel he would be a good person to do that for you? Do you feel safe to do something like that with him? How do you think he would respond if you said something like that to him?
find a way to express something, especially in the case when something is bothering me and if it’s an emotion that’s not from the spectrum of some beautiful and positive emotions. Let’s explore this. It sounds like you have a belief that your negative emotions are not so valuable. Where does this come from? The truth is, ALL emotions, even the intense ones, are a gift to us and those around us. Why? The negative, heavier emotions carry information about where we are holding onto past traumas, stories, lies, hurts etc. The negative emotions give us an opportunity for healing. How in the world would you know anything needs healed unless you had a negative reaction? They serve a great purpose for us! They provide us opportunities for self-love, forgiveness, growth, evolvement, enlightenment etc. The negative emotions are like a flashlight. The negative emotions shine the light on whatever it is that is ready to be released…IF WE PAY ATTENTION to them. Most people have a negative reaction and become a victim, point the finger at the offender and then add to the energetic baggage they are already carrying.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Martina,
I love how you are learning about yourself. Sometimes, we the way we end up learning comes through loss and I’m so sorry that you have had to lose your guy in order for you to start to realize how some of your patterns helped create a wall between you guys. The beautiful thing is….walls can be taken down!
It sounds like you guys had a great connection that you both felt good about, but there were some holes that eventually caused the disconnect. I’d like to explore how you process, because it’s one thing to become aware of how it can drive a very subtle wedge between you and your partner, but it’s another thing to actually shift it.
It’s important to understand that HOW you process (which is very internal) is just part of who you are. You were born that way and you will leave this earth that way. There is NOTHING wrong with how you process. The idea is more about learning how to work with it in a more healthy way. I think the issues here is more about you developing your self-esteem to be authentic, so that when someone asks you your opinion or how you feel about something, you are honest. I too am a natural internal type of processor, BUT when I do share myself, it’s honest and authentic, so people know that they can rely on what I am saying. If how I feel changes (which it does a lot), I communicate that immediately…therefore people feel safe with me. They trust that I am my word. They know that what I am saying is truly who I am (in that moment). I think this is where it might be a good place to begin for you. Truth is, it takes GREAT strength to be authentic because sometimes, that means you will get rejected, criticized, judged etc. AND…that’s okay! Your feelings, your opinions, your thoughts ARE GUARANTEED to cause disappointment, sadness, hurt, anger, judgment and all of the yucky feelings that exist. IT”S NORMAL!!!! This is true for EVERYONE and it’s part of the human experience. When you hide the way you are hiding, there are greater consequences than those yucky reactions people have sometimes.
The first thing to do is to understand that there is a certain story you have going on in your psyche that is influencing how you process. For example, you said: even then I thought it is all ok and that I can just get in the same track without communicating what I was going through. This is an educated guess, but it seems like you might feel that you don’t want to “bother” him with what you are feeling, or you don’t want to “inconvenience” him, or you don’t want to “burden” him, or you don’t want him to “worry” about you or you are afraid your opinions or thoughts might upset him….do any of those types of thoughts resonate for you?
The thing about partnership, is it TRULY is just about witnessing each other move through life. Don’t you deeply enjoy getting to know who he is every single day and how he experiences things? You are witnessing him. You are a pair of eyes that get to watch him and see him through your own perspective. Your perspective treasures him, sees his greatness, sees his limitations, sees his beautiful heart, sees his flaws..all of which equate to love for you, right? Well…when you don’t allow someone to witness YOU – when you keep your thoughts and feelings inside and do not share or when you are not honest about your feelings – you are not allowing him to witness you. You too carry greatness, flaws, limitations, insecurities, amazingness, laughter, joy etc….all of which also equates to him feeling love for you too. But when you hide, he doesn’t REALLY get to witness you. You are taking away from his ability to really see you and love ALL of you. This “hiding” means that he can’t trust you. He cannot trust that what you say is actually what is authentic for you. This kind of trust is CRUCIAL to having a solid foundation for any kind of relationship.
So again, let’s go back to how you process. What is stopping you from being 100% honest and authentic when he asks your opinion or how you feel about something?
As far as “saving” this relationship, who knows what will happen. I will tell you that he most likely is not interested in stepping back into the patterns with you. So I think the first step to getting him back, is starting to more deeply understand how you deal with your feelings, what influences how you communicate with him and acknowledging how that would be challenging for him. So before you approach him, it’s important that you gain a deeper understanding of yourself as a partner.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
