[Heidi G]

Hi Karen,

Wow. Your first marriage was really difficult. That is the only option when married to a narcissist. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, but I am so glad that you no longer have to deal with that kind of energy constantly suppressing you. Being involved with a narcissist on any level, guarantees the slow waning of self-esteem for anyone. You really have come a long way since then. Well done!

I can tolerate a lot.. As far as the ghosting..I am understanding more about him but I do not want to pick meaningless fights at this point. I’m a little confused. I’m not sure what you mean by picking a meaningless fight. I feel like we may have missed each other a bit, because that is the last thing I am advising. At least, I didn’t mean to insinuate that. I was more inviting you into looking at how YOU were the one apologizing for HIS choices. I was attempting to show you how the submissive energy can actually damage a connection. Did you take it as me coaching you to pick a fight with him? Help me understand.

He’s told me before that sometimes he needs to be called out yet everytime I run y how I want to call him out, I’m being told it will just make him shut down or that he’ll run for the hills. So really what do I have to lose?? Maybe I need to word some things differently but…IDK..I’m just getting really frustrated at this point… Thank you for sharing your frustration. Let’s work through this. I’m not at all saying that you shouldn’t call him out. Your letter does not come across as that at all. Your letter was this gentle, soft “how are you feeling about me” kind of letter…not a calling him out kind of letter. It was a letter basically from a woman who has feelings for him, asking him if he had feelings for her too. That is how it’s coming across. That is what I am saying will make him run from the hills. Calling him out would look more like “Hey. I feel like we enter in and out of our friendship. You are there and then all of a sudden you disappear and I stop hearing from you. I have no idea why or what’s happening, but I do want to share it doesn’t feel good for me. Can you help me understand what is happening for you?” Do you see the difference between that and what you are saying: I want to understand our level of friendship from your perspective. No , I NEED to understand it or it will drive me insane with scenarios.Please give me this? Please be straight up honest as to what you want from our relationship? I was not looking for a partner. I still am not Looking but am open. Honestly, I am good either way, I just want to know exactly where I fit.. What is a “level of friendship?” You are basically asking if he has feelings for you. You want to understand where you “fit” into his life. These are questions that ONLY someone who has romantic feelings would ask…if you truly ONLY wanted friendship, you would not be writing a letter like this…so it’s not a letter calling him out on anything.

You want to understand where you fit in his life. I want to say again, his ACTIONS are telling you everything you need to know. He even has said a few different ways that he is NOT wanting a relationship right now. I know that may feel confusing for you considering how he originally reached out to you and how he has acted with you sometimes. I get it. This is something I keep wanting to bring to your attention…his is NOT clear. He does one thing, then does another…not only with you, but with his sister and even with the women he chooses to commit to, that goes against what he actually wants. This is a strong pattern of his. This is what makes him emotionally unavailable. I will tell you from experience, that it doesn’t matter how many times you confront someone about patterns that are THIS strong, it doesn’t shift or change until they do the deep emotional work that is causing the pattern. The pattern may change for a period of time, but it always slips back and things go back to the way they originally were.

I’m realizing I am not clear. I actually don’t know what you want. You keep saying you are okay with friendship, yet you still want to give him that letter and ask him how he feels about you. So which is it? Do you want friendship, or do you want something romantic? And if you want something romantic, then tell him. Say what you need to say and find out what happens. If you want to call him out on his disappearing act AS A FRIEND, then do it and tell him what you need differently. However, when you do something like that, you need to also know that no matter what he says, pay attention to his actions over time. You need to decide if the type of friendship he offers is enough for you. If it is, then great! Just know he will disappear sometimes and most likely come back at some point and you can pick up where you left off.

No matter what I say Karen, you still get to do whatever it is that you want to do. My job is to shed a light on things that you don’t quite see. My job is to offer a different perspective. My job is to share about behaviors and what they most likely mean, including your own patterns and choices.

So help me guide you better. I’m frustrating you and that is sometimes part of the journey. As long as you stick with me here, we can keep exploring everything until you feel clear about what you want to do! So help me understand what you want to do.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Thank you for sharing your heart Karen! I definitely appreciate the analogy of a “skid mark.” It’s a great descriptor. You really have been through a lot. I can see why you are clinging onto this guy for connection much more now.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

Your poem: Do you have any sense how much that poem is telling him that you are in love with him? Even though you mention about him being with another woman…”the one” – it’s pretty obvious that YOU want to be that one. I know this may not have been your intention, but you writing a poem for ANY guy…is a pretty intimate thing…especially the “I see you” kind of poem. I know you are wanting to be that “different” girl who actually treats him the way he wants to be treated and to see him in a way he has never been seen before….all in hopes he would open his heart to you and offer you that deep connection you are craving. You are such a deep connector and it’s really really beautiful and powerful AND it needs to land on a guy who actually wants it, is ready for it, and wants to offer it to you in return. The more you tell me his responses to you, the more I am really seeing how he just doesn’t see you in that romantic way. He really only wants to be friends and there is a limit to that Karen…for ALL male and female friends. You are valuable to him of course, but as a friend that is more surface where you can be there for each other every once in awhile and have a mutual respect, but NOT the kind of friends where you talk all the time and share intimate details all the time – that is just not something men and women can do. The more you try to go deep with him, the more you tell him how amazing he is, the more you apologize for just being you, the more you will push him away.

Part of being discerning Karen, is realizing you DO have a big beautiful heart. It’s a gift and something very unique and special about you that needs to be protected. By that, I mean being VERY picky with who you share your heart with. Being discerning means you are sharing your heart with someone who is able to receive what you are offering. This guy is able to receive it really well in moments (as a friend), but he does not have the ability to sustain a connection with you in a healthy, stable, consistent way in order to allow the relationship to continue to grow….and that is really really tough on the heart. Being protective, being discerning, means having standards as to how you are treated and requiring that someone align with your standards or they don’t get to interact with your heart energy.

You sent him a text apologizing to him, but the reality is, you need to be apologizing to yourself, for not facing the hole that lives within you and trying to use him to fill it. He doesn’t need an apology from you. He needs you to NOT look to him for that deep connection you are craving and that he does not want to offer you. By apologizing, you again, are trying to be that “nice” girl and treat him in ways he has never been treated, so you can be valuable to him, but what you are actually doing is pushing him away with your niceness. Men, and people in general, do not respect someone who apologizes all the time, especially for things that don’t warrant one. He completely disappears on you, and YOU are the one apologizing for not giving him space? You are telling him that he is so amazing and he has a special place in your heart…all the while he was ghosting you. To a guy, that is a woman with no spine and it has a “needy” quality to it. You are basically teaching him that he can treat you any which way he wants and you will always be that nice girl that will take it. Does he have any idea that you are angry or hurt about how he has treated you? Have you ever expressed that him? THAT is actually what is attractive to a man…a woman who has standards and stands up for herself….a woman who will call him out on his bullish*** and require him to be better….a woman who he trusts will always be authentic and honest even if it’s scary and hard. Does this make sense? I realize this may be a bit uncomfortable for you, or maybe not. I don’t know. Let’s keep talking about this. I know that what you are sharing here is a grain of sand compared to the whole picture, so I may not be sensing things correctly.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I guess the best way I can help him is to stop making myself so ready to help.. It’s less about being ready to help and more about your mindset WHEN you help. If you are helping to try to rescue someone from their pain, THAT is what can be harmful. You are just holding space for someone to vent, share, or unburden themselves and you listen, validate, and ask question and offer guidance WITHOUT attachment that they get out of pain so YOU can feel better…that is more healthy. When I offer guidance and “help” people, I’m completely okay they are hurting. I don’t get wrapped up in their pain and I don’t have a need to lessen their pain. My goal is to bring a different perspective, connect them to a higher truth, help them understand their situation in a different way…if their pain lessens, great! If not, I trust the process. Does this make sense?

I found myself basically just waiting for the late night text to come. I’m not sure though if it was more for him or me. As I said before, my brother used to call me every night. I hadn’t had that for 3 years at that point so I was really missing that connection. BULLSEYE!!!! I love that you made this connection! He is filling in for your brother. That connection you had with him was soooooo darn special and amazing and this guy was giving you some of that. Of course you responded and of course you want to keep this “friendship” moving forward. He is giving you a flavor of what your brother offered and letting it go, means you go back to feeling that hole that your brother left.

It’s the connection I am missing most. I did call him out a few weeks after that because he wasn’t talking to me as much. I told him it felt like we were going back to the customer zone again. I also told him if he was seeing someone to let me know because I wanted to respect his boundries of not talking with other women when he’s in a relationship. He had responded back that he was just living life and hanging out with as many friends as he could. He also ended it with and you’re my friend and don’t ever think that you’re not. I apologized to him and he said all was good. The more and more you share, the more I am seeing how he is running from you. Karen, he is not going to allow himself to have feelings for you beyond friendship. He says he was just busy and hanging out with as many friends as he could (except for you) all while claiming that you were his friend too and don’t think you’re not. Huh???? He is making no sense here. Again, his actions and words are saying completely different things, so you are left with trying to decipher what you actually mean to him.

I guess now I’m torn and in limbo of if or where he will fit into my life now. Let me ask you this…how much do you really want to keep investing in a guy who drives a car pressing the gas AND the break all at the same time? He will only continue to send you mixed messages. He will only continue to show up and connect AND disconnect and disappear (while still calling you his friend). Do you see how he is bread crumbing you?

I guess it’s the thought of looking for a relationship that scares me. What is so scary about this thought? This thought scares you, yet you want a relationship with a guy who pulls you in, then disappears A LOT? Doesn’t THAT scare you to hand your heart over to a guy like that? Also, why not just be open instead of looking? I’m completely open to a relationship, but I am not looking for one. I don’t concern myself with it, but I remain open to connection as it comes across my path. I’m SUPER cozy with my life. If someone adds to it, great! If not, I feel complete as is.

A few days later when I was up at his place he brought up to me that he was done with womanizers, pedifiles and abusers. (He had to help a friend that weekend move because her boyfriend choked her her and beat her. He was friends with her boyfriend another older couple) So we left it at that. I am soooo so sorry! This makes me sick to my stomach! I know you wanted your guy friend to be horrified and be protective of you and it’s a bummer that he didn’t have that response. It sounds like your guy seems to also choose friends who are incredibly dysfunctional. No doubt because of his past. He obviously had incredibly poor role modeling and plenty of experiences to teach him he doesn’t deserve any better.

I have just kept hoping that he respected me enough to spell it out for me. I want to hear him say it. Honestly it makes me angry with him that he won’t follow through with me he things he said : He’s always straight upfront with nothing to hide. He believes in communication and balance in relationships. He says this, but his actions tell you differently. Remember, if someone’s words and actions are NOT in alignment, their ACTIONS show you who they REALLY are. I understand your anger and your need to have him say it to you. I want to encourage you to let it go. He is sooooo confused and so torn up inside, he just doesn’t have the capability. It has NOTHING to do with respecting you…it has to do with him not respecting himself. He cannot offer something to you, that he doesn’t have to give to himself first and foremost.

Here is an example:You did fine..Your smart and clear..If you weren’t I wouldn’t even talk to you..Good people” I said good to know and he sent back. That’s wy I talk with you..We’re friends and that’s where it is. I’m not open to many people” He says this, yet he dates a drug addict, cheaters, and women who treat him like shit, he has a friend who grabs your croch, a friend who strangles and beats his girlfriend and he says he is “done with womanizers, pedifiles, and abusers.” To me, this is a guy who is NOT discerning and a guy who is open to all kinds of people, yet he thinks the opposite of himself. This is again…his words and actions NOT aligning.

I’m a very tuff person to figure out. Many have tried and it will never happen. LOL.. I’m me and that’s how it is. He actually is not interested in anyone knowing him. That’s why he keeps you at a distance. You are NOT safe for him because he knows you will see him more than anyone else ever has. To him, that is NOT a good thing. To him, that terrifies him. So he will connect and get doses of you, but he will always disappear for who knows how long, so you can’t get too close.

He says one thing and does another and I really want to call him out on it..I’m wondering if I actually in a sense figured him out and it scares him??Am I getting to close to understanding him and he really doesn’t want that barrier broken? YES YES YES! The thing is Karen, he holds himself in a higher regard with how he talks, yet his actions show you how much he actually hates himself. His presentation is all a facade, but that is what keeps him going. He needs to think this way about himself and other people in order to keep functioning…because underneath that “tough” exterior, is a guy who is soooooo broken. He can’t go there though, because he would completely fall apart, so he is just surviving..and he will always stay there. He is not going to change. He is waaaay too fragile to make any impactful or meaningful changes in his life without some serious help. That’s why he chooses such low functioning people in his life…he gets to be “better than” them. But you are NOT that and there is NOW WAY he is ever going to let you in…all YOU will end up doing with your love and your connection, is activate his low self-esteem…he will constantly feel “less than” you just by you simply being a really good person. Does this make sense?

Regardless, I’m glad I kept going with you because quite frankly, I didn’t think you were getting it at first. Thanks for sticking it out with me. It’s definitely stirring things up with and and I want to get it figured out. I’m glad you stuck with me too. I completely get that you thought I was missing the mark. First, this platform is incredibly difficult to relay very complicated concepts that I normally teach in person. Second, I sometimes do miss the mark in the sense that I end up 100 steps ahead of the person without realizing I missed some crucial pieces along the way. I have had to catch myself MANY times. I am a VERY fast grower, thinker, and mover when it comes to this stuff and because of it, I absolutely stumble. I deeply appreciate you staying with me!!! There is a lot to talk through, so let’s keep going. I trust you will continue to slow me down or if you don’t feel understood, you will let me know. I deeply care about your understanding of your situation!! I want you to feel VERY CLEAR about the direction you want to head into.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m so sorry it took so long to reply! For some reason, I completely missed your post and just now saw it.

Thank you for sharing about your exes. The first one sounds like a great experience…until it wasn’t. But what a great learning experience for both of you. The second one…yikes! I’m glad you eventually figured out how to get away from him. That’s so crazy how difficult it was to completely block him from contacting you! While social media is an amazing and powerful entity, it also is not and your situation is a testament to that.

he might misconstrue himself as an incomplete partner because he has an incomplete mission I’m sure he does. One of the biggest CORE differences between men and women and how we operate and think, is this: Men…at the VERY CORE of who they are…need to produce. If you take away a man’s job, if you take away his ability to make something (money, projects, etc.) he will completely fall apart and become completely unavailable for relationships. They tend to stop talking and connecting and 100% of their focus goes towards figuring out how to “make it” in this world. I have seen this soooooo many times…no matter how much a guy likes a girl, if his finances and career/job are not in order, he will break up, he will run from the relationship, or he will disconnect from the girl. For women, the core of us is relationship. If you take relationships away from us, we have the same kind of response. Depression, anxiety, our life is falling apart, we are failures etc. That’s why it tends to be more natural for the man to work all day and the woman takes care of the family. If you put a man in the home, while he might take care of the kids, he will also find projects at home to do and things to fix. That’s why women, when their careers or money situation is falling apart, they rely on their man even more for comfort, for ideas, for support, for encouragement, while a man in the same situation feels shame and disconnects. It’s a beautiful difference that we have, yet it can be very challenging…especially for the women who just want connection and want to support the guy through his struggles. For us, it seems so simple and easy, but for a guy…it hits at his very core self-esteem. Does this make sense?

However, I’ve noticed that both now and in the past that I would be more tolerant of avoidant behavior than most because I’m very low-maintenance and perceive what other people would consider extended periods of space as normal and healthy, especially in the pre-commitment stages. This makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you 2 have a really good rhythm and that space allows you both to just “be” with not pressure. That’s fantastic!

When I compliment him or state something that I like about him, or tell him he’s wrong when he says no one wants him, he responds positively, doesn’t perseverate on his more negative point of view, and doesn’t try to gaslight me into leaving him because he’s not good enough for me. Interesting. I’m getting your point of view a little more, especially taking into account your past experiences. For me, what you are saying here about his low self-esteem is below baseline of what is needed to have a relationship actually have something to stand on. But for you, this is a step up and a more elevated and hopeful experience so it makes you feel like there is potential here. I get it better now!

I want to also give you a little tip when he might say something bad about himself. Instead of saying anything with the flavor of “You’re wrong…” validate his point of view and then tell him how yours is different. By saying he is “wrong” in any sort of way, it is not giving his opinion or perspective any room to exist. His opinion and perspective is valid TO HIM and I have no doubt he could list MANY examples that support his perspective. So to telling him he is “wrong” is shutting him down and making your opinion the “right” one. So let’s say he says “no one ever wants me.” That is obviously a cry for help and him needing some positive vibes. So there are a couple of ways you could approach this. You could dive into that more and get curious about his statement. This gives the person space to talk out what they are feeling. So you could saying something like “You have said this to me before and I realize that even though I don’t agree with that, I actually don’t understand your perspective very well. How come you feel this way? What has happened that would make you believe this?” And then you can gain a deeper understanding of his exact perspective. And many times, I will validate their belief and say something like “Yes..I get it now. With what you have experienced, I can now see why that belief was created.” And then, another question I might introduce is “So that’s all the bad stuff, what about the good stuff? I’m sure you have had some experiences of people really liking you. Tell me about those.” Another approach, if you don’t have the time or energy to dive deeper into his comment, you can say something like “I know you feel this way and I”m sure you have had a lot of experiences to validate that belief. AND…I am here right now and I want to know you. So no matter what has happened in the past, in THIS moment, you are wanted. Isn’t that all that matters anyways?” Another approach is say something to get him out of that dark, serious belief. You could say something like “Oh come on! Those ladies had no idea what they were missing in you. Lucky me because I think you are fantastic!” Just something to think about.

Even if we haven’t crossed the bridge of being exclusive yet, watching him get breadcrumbed really messes with my head and is perhaps the most angering part of dealing with his low self esteem. I understand. It’s incredibly difficult to watch someone allow themselves to be treated so poorly. I go through that ALL THE TIME as I’m trying to coach women into higher ways of functioning and making decisions that actually get them closer to what they want…all while they are trying to make something work that is incredibly broken and they aren’t willing to let it go. What I always bring myself back to is this…it’s THEIR journey, not mine. I can plant seeds and when and if those seeds ever sprout into something meaningful, I can know that I at least showed them a different way. I at least gave them a picture of what is possible and the rest is up to the universe or God or life or whatever you believe in. The same is true here. This guy NEEDS to be breadcrumbed. The reality of all of us, is we tend to need to be in enough pain in order to make different decisions. So this guy is just not in enough pain to approach his life differently. All the while, you are standing right in front of him…a woman with intelligence, integrity, patience, confidence, and deep understanding and a beautiful heart…yet he still wants to interact with the breadcrumbs and chaos. What does that say about you? What do you think it says about you, that you are choosing to fight for a guy who WANTS to interact with breadcrumbs and NOT give you his FULL attention? As a coach, I definitely would invite you to look more deeply into your reaction and instead of making HIS decisions what “messes with your head” look within and explore what specifically is triggering you.

Either he indulges in his masculine energy and pushes his self-doubt to the side, showing that he’s worth putting effort into, or he’ll wallow or buck out and show that he’s too deep in his own head for anything more than a far off fantasy.
I won’t really respond to this since the event already passed. How did everything go? What’s the update?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karen! This is such a great conversation. I love your curiosity and your willingness and openness to learn! Not everyone has that quality. While you feel you have a lot of low self-esteem, you also some amazing self-esteem. It takes courage to have this conversation with me and it takes confidence to be able to explore a situation.

Diving a little deeper and from my conversations with him..I feel if he had the right partner who was willing to talk things out, he wouldn’t feel like he has to resort to numbing his pain through alcohol. At least that is what he has expressed he wants in a relationship. I get it. Of course he wants that in a relationship. Everyone does. Whether they actually choose that experience is a whole different thing. The thing is, relying on a person to talk things out so that he doesn’t numb the pain with alcohol is what is called and “external locus of control.” It means that someone is set up to rely on the outside world (people, jobs, friends, family etc) to tell them whether they are okay, whether they are happy or sad, the quality of their life. An “internal locus of control” is when someone is able to find their happiness, their stability, their joy, their quality of life SEPARATE from the outside world. This is a more developed way of moving through life. People who carry a lot of wounded energy typically live with an external locus of control. It’s the way a child moves through the world. A child believes that everything that is happening around them is because of them and the outside world determines their feelings of safety and wellbeing. When a child has a lot of trauma during their younger developmental years, their emotional growth gets “stunted.” Very long story short, people who rely on the outside world for their well being, tend to have a lot of trauma and stunted young energy that never had a safe environment to develop and had poor role modeling. So…thinking that a “healthy” relationship will help him not want to “numb” up, however he does it, is relying on someone else to help him. The problem with that is what is he going to do when that person is the one who is stressing him out? That person will hurt his feelings, trigger him into his fear and stress and THEN WHAT? His normal resource is the offending party, so how is going to get through the situation when his normal way of getting help isn’t there for him?

I do think I played an important role, although I am no expert for sure, In being able to open his eyes to a pattern he has developed. I know it got him thinking from responses he gave me. I hope he is more self aware. I pointed out to him to take a look at his past relationships and learn from them. He has told me multiple times that he is going to work on himself. I don’t know what that exactly means to him though You absolutely are an important person in his life. There is no doubt about that. You are a new experience for him, just like he is for you…you both are important experiences to each other. A lot of people say they need to work on themselves, but most people just think about what needs to change, yet they aren’t actually willing to do the deep work to get there. Time will tell.

I’m just trying to put the pieces together here. I really want to understand him. I don’t like seeing people hurting. I know it’s difficult watching people hurt. Maybe I can give you a different perspective to you feel more comfortable with it. Pain is a gift. Pain is what creates movement. Pain is a VERY IMPORTANT part of life and is meant to show each of us where we are stuck. Without pain, we wouldn’t know what things from our past that we are holding onto that are creating limitation in our lives. Pain inspires people to learn. So when I see someone in pain, I know how important that pain is for their growth, so I don’t try and rescue them from it. I support, but I don’t fix. THEY need to fix it themselves and it’s a VERY important part of the journey. Like an addict, it’s the intense pain of “hitting bottom” that finally gets them into recovery or asking for help. Like your guy, it was the pain of being cheated on AGAIN, that is making him want to make different choices. So while you don’t like seeing people in pain, it’s damaging in inhibitory to their growth for you to step in and try to soothe the pain for them. If you keep helping him “fix” his pain, then the pain ends up not being great enough to create movement. Here is story that explains this concept really well. When you really understand the gifts that pain brings into life, then YOU get more comfortable with it. https://www.instituteofcuriosity.com/the-butterfly-story/. There are MANY versions of this story, but you will get the point.

Maybe I’ll look into some things for groups. I did consider going horseback riding and looked up some stables close to me. That’s something I have always wanted since I was a kid. Don’t know how well the group thing would work but it’s a start. I signed up for embodiment coaching tonight, so I have that to look forward to.I will be planning another getaway for spring to a place I have been before. A place I fell in love with many years ago. I would definitely feel comfortable going there alone even more than my last trip. YES YES YES!!! I LOVE horseback riding. Horses are sooooo amazing. Interacting with animals can be so powerful. DO IT! That exactly what I mean by getting out and making new friends. Do activities that you love to do and then you will meet people naturally that way! Plan your trip. Adventures and novelty are sooooo good for the soul.

Being open to a stranger terrifies me and well, I’d rather be alone than to be open and in search of. I don’t want to do online dating. Hmmmm….what is so terrifying about this? You know…this guy was a stranger at one point. I’m not saying you should do online dating. I definitely wouldn’t recommend that for you. I say you just go live your life, having fun and doing activities and if someone shows up that interests you, you can deal with it at that time. No looking, no purposeful dating…just bring more joy into your life through activities that you love.

As far as your letter, I love it! I love that you wrote it all out and expressed how you really feel. That is sooooo good to do! I do recommend you never send this though. The odds of him running for the hills are pretty high. I also always encourage people to talk face to face about things like this. Why? Because there are sooooo many ways that something can be misinterpreted. Talking in person allows for clarification IN THE MOMENT. The thing is, your guy friend is right. You are asking for clarity and want to understand how he views you and how he feels about you…but he is already showing you. He comes close, then he disconnects, he hasn’t made any efforts towards bringing you closer into his life and he has never expressed feelings for you, beyond friendship. His ACTIONS are telling you exactly what you want to know, you just don’t want to listen. When a guy wants something, he will go after it. And if he doesn’t, then fear is getting in the way. If fear is getting in the way, then it’s CRUCIAL that HE makes the decision to face it and not be coaxed or hand held through it. That’s part of growing up. There is a great saying by someone: Listen when someone SHOWS you who you are. Words are NOT as powerful as actions. It’s the actions of someone that speaks MUCH LOUDER than any words. So his ACTIONS are showing you he is not interested. I’m sure he has feelings for you and I have no doubt you are valuable to him however, something is stopping him from taking the friendship further…whatever that is, that’s for HIM to deal with. It is SO SO SO SO important for the guy to initiate and there are a lot of reasons for this. It’s important for the woman to be patient and let the man come to her ON HIS OWN TIME…when a woman pushes a man into something by “talking” about feelings he is not ready to express…it changes the dynamics in so many ways. There is A LOT to say about this concept. Of course it’s not 100% how things need to go, but for your situation, HE NEEDS TO FACE HIS FEAR and you need to let him. He NEEDS to deal with his girlfriend choices without YOU trying to place yourself in that role.

I’m going to explain a concept that may help explain where I am coming from. It can help you understand him and yourself on a deeper level.

The #1 reason why people don’t get better is they start to get what they want, but they aren’t set up to have it. This concept is called the “upper limit.” There are many names for it, but that is the one I use. The upper limit is the limit that we allow ourselves to be happy. Basically, the amount of our low self-esteem determines how happy we allow ourselves to be. The low self-esteem we carry, acts as anchors in our system. Imagine a large boat…how much movement will it have to move in the direction it wants when a ton of anchors are attached to it? Our low self-esteem acts in the same way. I have seen this soooooo many times in others AND in myself. Here is an example for me…my college and early 20s was spent being attracted to emotionally unavailable “bad boy” kind of guys. I hated that! I knew exactly what I was doing and I knew there was never that “happy ending,” yet I did it anyways. Well this one guy…Edward…he was a nice guy and very available. I knew myself well enough by then that I the nice guys that came into my life, kept my attention for about 2 weeks. Right around the 2 week mark, I would lose interest. Each time it was a different reason, but I had this strong pattern. So when Edward came into my life, I did EVERYTHING I could NOT to like him, because I knew I would hurt him. But the pull was so strong, so I thought maybe…just maybe…I would be different this time. Nope…right around 2 weeks, I lost feelings for him. He was so “boring” and “uninteresting” and “too nice.” What I didn’t realize then and what this experience taught me, was I was hitting my upper limit. I was being treated well and getting everything I ever wanted from those “bad boys” but once I was getting it, I wasn’t emotionally set up to have it…so my system would sabotage my happiness by losing feelings. VERY long story short, I worked with my therapist and pushed myself past those 2 weeks. I stayed with him and dealt with what was happening beneath the surface. I can’t even begin to tell you how hard this was. I had to work with EVERY story, EVERY lie, EVERY distortion I had about love….and after about 3 months, all of a sudden, one day I walked into Edward’s house, just like normal…and all of a sudden I had butterflies…I LIKED HIM! My heart opened up to him. I FINALLY was able to appreciate the connection he was offering me. I raised my upper limit and was able to receive more happiness in my life. We didn’t last of course, but I will tell you that I was a completely different person after Edward. My taste for those “bad boys” completely shifted and no longer was attractive to me. You can see this concept everywhere you look….people wanting one thing, but they choose the opposite. Someone wanting to really lose weight, yet they keep eating cookies and ice cream. Your guy wanting to have a connected relationship, yet he chooses an addict. People wanting to have more money, yet they spend money on things they don’t need. Pushing through the upper limit is so hard. People keep thinking that “If I just do better next time, I get what I want.” But that never happens UNTIL they face the anchors…the low self-esteem created by childhood trauma. The anchors are full of beliefs like “I’m not enough. I’m not lovable. Love is unsafe. I can’t trust love. I can’t trust life. There’s something wrong with me. I don’t deserve. I don’t trust happiness.” These anchors are INCREDIBLY strong and when we start to get what we actually want, these anchors, these low self-esteem beliefs end up getting triggered and taking over and limit how happy we are allowed to be.

I normally teach this concept in a webinar with diagrams and other concepts to help explain it. Hopefully this makes sense. It’s hard to write this out! But hopefully, you will understand more about why he is not available for you…not in the way you want.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karen,

This is great stuff! I appreciate you for hanging in there with me, even though I’m triggering some of your defenses. Well done for telling me!

I realize now that I wasn’t clear. Everything I am coaching you about is you getting clear about the kind of ROMANTIC partner he would be. I’m making efforts to help you realize that he is not set up for something like what you want long term and to let go THAT idea with him. As friends, it sounds like he is quite capable of that. The reality is…male and female friends are always limited. They can only be friends to a certain point…there is a limit on the emotional vulnerabilities and bonding because it’s VERY easy for one or both to start to have romantic feelings, the closer you get, which is why I’m guessing he disappears sometimes. It helps keeps things in check so to speak. I know you say you would be totally fine just being friends and I get it. AND…you still have this part of you wanting more, so it’s THAT part of you that I am working with and trying to keep you grounded in the kind of man you would choose for a romantic experience. I know he is very different than your previous experiences AND he is the same in that he is not emotionally available, so you would be choosing another VERY difficult romantic experience. But as a friend, it sounds like you both are bonding well and have a healthy respect for each other which is great!

In a sense we have already started unpacking the baggage. Now we just need to throw it in the dumpster and let it go so it doesn’t get repacked. Yes! Throw it in the dumpster! This is the part where it’s not so easy. Talking it out, reading books, wanting to throw it in the dumpster…it’s just not enough though. Maybe some things can be more easily thrown in the dumpster, but the deeper more rooted stuff requires professional help. Healing is sooooo incredibly tricky and you would be surprised how much people don’t actually want to let go of their stuff. They do at first, of course, but when it comes to the actual moment of letting it go, they discover they would rather hold onto their anger or resentment or their pain and it’s quite a process to get them to forgive and release it. It’s a very deep journey and one that is meant to be navigated with someone who has a lot of experience with deeper level work. If you ever feel like diving deeper in your patterns and choices and letting go of the past, I work with a coach is FANTASTIC! She is the most brilliant expert I have ever worked with (and I’ve worked with many). She is tough though. She is not for everyone, as most people are not willing to go that deep, but for those who are ready for that journey, she is an incredible guide! Just let me know and I’ll send you her contact info.

I think that the fact he DIDN’T get drunk because he did have someone to talk it out with, proves he CAN change and is willing to put in the effort. Of course people can change! You and I are looking at this from very different perspectives. What he is doing is behavior management/modification. It’s managing the decision, BUT as you saw…he was able to NOT make the decision to get drunk because of an outside source…you. The odds of him getting drunk without you having been available are pretty high. So him not drinking is a very fragile concept. He NEEDS help to not drink instead of being able to manage that urge all on his own. The urge is still very strong in him, so it’s just a symptom that he hasn’t learned how to deal with stress in a healthy, higher functioning way. He can learn though! He has to first decide he wants to FACE the pain, so he doesn’t want to run away by drinking and then he has to have a skillset in order to work through the pain. This is where an expert is able to come in and help OR he can simply research online. There are a GAZILLION books and online programs that teach people different ways to manage stress.

Again as far as getting more friends…#1 I don’t like crowds. They overwhelm me. Who said anything about crowds? There are a TON of small group outings and social gatherings. Wanna go on a hike? A group of 3-4 people will meetup for that. Wanna go to a movie? Meetup with a few others and go for coffee after. Wanna learn how to paint? or create a ceramic bowl? Meetup with a small group and take a class together. Wanna learn how to salsa or swing? Sign up for a class with your new friends. I’m not talking about heading out into big crowds and trying to find connection that way. That’s intimidating and not very fun for most people. Check out meetup.com. That’s the only platform I can think of off the top of my head right now. I do know there are similar platforms you can find as well where you can join groups who have common interests as you.

The lover giver: I’m not sure if you may have misunderstood what he meant here. You said that he admitted to always over giving – hence he has a co-dependent way of moving through relationships. This is a perfect example: She also has bad history with drugs and he is very much against drug use. He says one thing and does another. He doesn’t have integrity within himself. He breaks his own standards because he is so deeply craving connection, that he will find someone who will let him try and “rescue” her. He is trying to be that “good guy” at the expense of himself. This is co-dependence. He is meeting the needs of his partner, at the expense of himself – in order to feel valuable…and that starts from day one simply by choosing someone who doesn’t meet up to what he really wants. Does this make more sense? He will definitely struggle being with someone who doesn’t NEED him to “fix” her. If he actually allowed himself to feel something and open up to a woman romantically who was put together, higher functioning, and knew how to take care of herself…he wouldn’t know what to do. He would sabotage that connection all over the place – having no clue why or what is really going on beneath the surface that would make him be that way. He NEEDS to find a woman lower functioning than him so he can feel like the hero. Again…I doubt he has any awareness of this. It sounds like he finally has been in enough pain, that he is going to actively choose to approach relationships differently. This is great! Hopefully he follows through on that!

I did put myself out there for some self esteem boosting this summer. I did a Boudior shoot just for myself. This is sooooo fantastic! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you did this! It’s something I’ve always wanted to experience as well and I’m sure at some point the opportunity will come across my path when it’s right. How did this experience help you?

I am the listener even if I don’t want to be. I know I am very approachable, that is part of my problem. This is also you being co-dependent. You are listening FOR someone even when you don’t want to and it sounds like a strong problem. Man..this is a tough one. I had that challenge my entire life. People have always come to me for advice and because I was such a good listener…then they would disappear. It didn’t take long to realize that I wasn’t REALLY making friends. I was being used…and the other people were not even conscious of it, so I couldn’t blame them for it. But then….I learned what my “winning formula was.” This is the formula we ALL create in order for us to be liked and fit in. For me, and it sounds like you have a similar flavor of this…I knew I could be liked and sought after by being the listener…by asking them questions and giving the other person the space to be validated and listened to…because most people don’t get to have that experience in their lives. Most people are sooooo starved to be seen and known on deeper levels and I was quite gifted at providing that experience for them. But then, I would always walk away still feeling quite anonymous and empty. It was my greatest gift I could offer to others, yet it was my weakest point in building a true connection. It wasn’t until about 3 years that I completely shifted. I had been working on this issue for decades and slowly got better at it, but 3 years ago, I changed…at the very core. I ended up letting go of 4 friends who had sporadically been in my life for over 20 years. They were relationships where I listened, they talk and they barely knew me. And since then, I have not let anyone in who doesn’t have curiosity about me and who doesn’t create space for ME to talk and they listen. My winning formula finally changed :). SO I want to encourage you to give yourself and your voice more value. Each time you listen to someone when you don’t want to, you are betraying yourself. You are ignoring your needs and wants and making THEM more important than you. This is a great place to start to work on in order to help you find that “balance.” Of course there are going to be moments where you listen and it’s not where you want to be, but in general and overall, this pattern needs to shift in order for you to allow yourself to exist more in your life.

I like being with who I want to be with. I am more content to watch cheesy romance movies by myself which I have done a lot of. Of course you do! Everyone feels that way. I get the whole cheesy romance movies – I’ve done that a lot…hence my subscription to Hallmark :). Just be careful and be aware that it’s a very easy way to lose yourself in the movies and getting your needs met through movies, instead of getting yourself out there and practicing a new way to exist within connection. I know I have very much fallen into that trap.

Again, I was not and am not looking for a relationship. I would like for this to be one but it’s ok if it’s not Do you see how you have 2 sides to yourself here? These 2 sentences say the exact opposite. You don’t want anything serious yet you would like to have a serious relationship with him. You need to get clear here. I’m curious why you don’t want a relationship. It sounds like everything you want to experience would occur under that umbrella of a relationship. Why would you close the door to that? I understand you would like a relationship with him…but if you can have something with him, why not make it a possibility to have it with someone else? Why not be open to the possibility of another guy coming along and catching your attention and creating a wonderful, respectful, safe place for you to be yourself? If you don’t want a relationship and you don’t feel ready for one, then why allow yourself to want something more with this guy? Do you see how you have 2 parts of yourself that contradicting each other?

Let’s definitely keep talking about this! I’m sure there are more things that you need to clarify to help me understand what you are saying and feeling. I want to make sure that you are feeling like my guidance applies to you accurately.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Armand,

Welcome! You have quite the story. I can see why you have some confusion and not sure how to move forward with this. Well done for reaching out and asking for some guidance! You took a big risk sharing your story here and that just tells me that your desire to learn and grow is greater than any fear you have. This is a GREAT quality…not letting your fear run your life.

There is one thing I want to bring up first, that can be a GREAT help for you in any relationship. It’s an extremely tough concept and not something a lot of people abide by, because it’s hard. Your feelings are NOT the facts. What I mean by that is anytime you are triggered into hurt and pain, your mind creates stories about what happened. For example “He should have been there for me when I had to deal with that tragedy” or “I can’t trust him. I cannot open my heart to a guy that I don’t feel like I can rely on” or “He made me feel ignored and insignificant.” These short stories are NOT the facts…they are just your perception of what happened. If I had gone through the same exact situation with him, I would create a different story about it. The stories we end up creating are linked to feelings and pre-existing stories from our past. So you got REALLY hurt…to the point of crying…. because you felt he was being dismissive and rude. This is a pretty big reaction to have, which just tells me he hit a sensitive spot of yours. In your life growing up, did you feel dismissed? Did you feel like you didn’t matter? Did you feel like anonymous at all?

Whenever we are triggered, it’s a sign of something we buried from our past and the current situation is activating it. So whatever it is that you end up feeling, whatever stories your mind immediately creates, it’s NOT the facts…it’s only your perspective. One analogy I like to use is imagine you are sitting at a table with 4 different people. There is a beautiful bouquet of flowers in the middle of the table inside of an artful vase. If I were to ask each of you to give me a description of the flowers in front of you, I would get 4 different answers, right? Each person is seeing a different side of the vase. Is anybody wrong? Nope. Is everyone right? Yep. Our perspectives are the lens that we see life through and has been designed by our experiences in the past. Relationships are our GREATEST teachers, as they show us where we have unresolved hurts from our past. For example, you still were feeling hurt by his lack of support for you through the tragedy, even though he apologized. You are not able to let it go. You are not able to forgive him and his humanness. Is this because of him? No. It’s because how he treated you triggered some strong feelings that live in your subconscious from your past. If you did not have anything buried, you would be able to easily let it go and move on.

My point in telling you all of this is to teach you that relationships are our teachers NOT meant to be our caretakers. You have a mindset where you are making HIM responsible for how you are feeling. While he is human and going to make mistakes that cause you to hurt, your hurt exists TO THE LEVEL IT DOES because you have baggage that is being activated. For example, if you felt he was dismissive and rude during your birthday, a simple “Hey…I’m not sure what’s going on right now, but I am feeling like I’m being pushed aside right now. What’s going on? This isn’t like you.” This is the adult way to handle it. But because you cried – which is a strong reaction – it’s letting you know that what he did in that moment, was activating an entire network of pain that has lived in you for YEARS saying “I don’t matter.” The idea is, when we end up having strong reactions, it’s an opportunity to learn what lives in those networks. It’s a moment where we get to learn about ourselves. What most people do, and like what you did, you relied on HIM to fix this for you, when in reality – it’s NOT his fault that you felt the level of pain that you did. It’s the cause of many moments and many people before he even met you….yet you are putting ALL those feelings onto him to fix. Most people take this approach because they don’t know any better AND it definitely is the easy way out. I will tell you that this approach will slowly wear away at the relationship and eventually become quite toxic. It’s an approach where people blame each other and that never lasts.

Does this make sense? This is a pretty big concept and it’s hard to share it through this platform. I usually teach this in a webinar where I can show diagrams and walk people through the concept step by step. Let me know your thoughts on this.

I don’t know if closing the chapter and keeping my distance was the right call or if listening to those social media dating coaches led me astray. Should I reach out, or let it go entirely? Part of me wonders if I could have done things differently, and I feel foolish if I’m the only one feeling this way. If this means putting my pride aside, I’m willing. Okay, let’s break this down a bit. First of all, there is no such thing as “the right call” or the “wrong call.” Every moment, every situation that happens, every decision that is made, whether it produces positive or negative results…is ALWAYS the perfect choice. Why? Because every moment, whether positive or negative, has lessons for us. Every moment is an opportunity to learn about ourselves, the other person, and most of all – learning about what works and doesn’t work for us. I know what I know today because of all the “wrong” decisions I made. Many times, we learn about what we need and want, by making decisions that hurt. For example, your guy wanted to break up and he made that decision. That decision is helping him know what he really wants or doesn’t want through the absence of you in his life. Isn’t that good information for him to know? So I want to invite you into a different kind of mindset that is more fluid. You are coming across as having a strong black and white, right and wrong type of approach to life. Is this accurate? With love, it’s MANY different shades and is meant to be circular, linear, multi-layered and absolutely will activate every fear, every insecurity, every lie you believe about yourself, every pain you have ever stored…relationships will definitely activate the very worst in you and it will activate the very best in you. If you work with having the mindset that ALL OF IT is a gift…ALL OF IT is helpful in learning about yourself, the there is no right and wrong. I know for me, it was all the failures and mishaps and upsets that caused me to go deep inside and explore what got activated. Now…I have an incredible skillset and ability to handle stress. I am incredibly good at relationships and love. I am so thankful for all those times I was rejected, all those moments where the guy completely obliterated my heart, all those experiences where something was said or done that activated a world of pain in me. I would never have known all the crap was in there, unless someone else pushed the button. So again…relationships are fluid. It’s a complete waste of energy and time to go down the road of “What if I had done this differently” etc. You will NEVER have that answer – what I will tell you is that even IF you had chosen differently or acted differently, you still would have hit a road block…you still would have been hurt…you still would have to deal with him facing his fears…these roadblocks we end up facing in relationships are there no matter what we do. These roadblocks ALWAYS get activated sooner or later and no matter the path we take. So let it go. Rest easy. You have your roadblocks, he has his…and relationships are about facing those in each other…sometimes we can get through them together and sometimes not. It really depends on how willing both people are to learning, growing, and facing their fears and hurts in a skilled, conscious way.

I asked my friends and family for advice—my male friend said he seems unsure about the breakup and needs to figure out what he wants, my mother thinks I was being stubborn, and my cousin wonders if he found someone else. Let’s talk about this. This actually made me smile because this is the perfect example of everyone having a piece of the truth while looking at the same situation…just like the analogy I used with the flowers in the middle of the table. Your male friend is absolutely correct. Your guy doesn’t know what he wants. And sometimes, the best way to figure out what you want is to just make a decision and let everything else go. Once a decision is made…all kinds of information comes up that is very important to have. So your guy is absolutely struggling. You are valuable to him, there is no doubt about that. BUT…he also is facing a lot in his life and he is also dealing with a lack of trust and safety. He is afraid of love. He is afraid of being close. You being in his life pushed into his fear….which is a good thing! He needs to face it. Your mom is correct in that you are being stubborn. I wouldn’t use that word, but instead I would say that you are afraid as well – and that is coming across as stubborn. You are afraid of being hurt – just like him. For you, it shows up as a BIG WALL – black and white – “Once I’m gone, I’m gone” kind of thinking. This is more fear causing you to operate this way. And your cousin might be correct. Being that his ex has shown up a few times, it’s possible he is considering her again. Who knows! If this is true, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him NOT facing his fears and pressing the “hard” button.

In the end, it’s up to you what you want to do. There is no right or wrong. This is about you making decisions, fumbling around, making a mess, fixing things etc….all things we do in relationships – and figuring out that no matter what you decide – YOU WILL BE OKAY!!! No matter the outcome…YOU WILL BE OKAY!!! This is what resilience is. Someone who lives in fear about trying to always make the “right” decisions, is someone who doesn’t trust themselves and someone who is letting fear get in the way of living life. Someone who trusts themselves and is resilient says “I got this. No matter what happens, no matter the hurt I end up feeling, I KNOW I am resourceful. I KNOW I can figure out how to get to the other side. I KNOW I will figure out how to heal and move forward. I got this.”

You are stronger than you think. Give yourself more credit. You have a lot of learning to do about love and relationships, so just go learn and let go of the outcome. I know it’s scary and hard…but if you ever want to any good in relationship and support a healthy, high functioning love…you gotta do what’s scary and hard and find out that you can handle it.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karen! Thank you for sharing so much more! It’s helpful. AND…it’s good for you to write all of this out. It’s kind of like journaling and that there is always a benefit to that. Let’s go over some of what you shared.

I know he has a lot of baggage as do I and I guess maybe I’m hoping that we can unpack those bags and get rid of the garbage. This is a nice idea, but never works. The reason this doesn’t work is because neither of you has the deep understanding nor skillset to clear the baggage. Unpacking it and understanding what lives in the baggage is about as far as most people get, but just because you know, DOES NOT mean it shifts or heals or releases any of the contents in the baggage. I wish it did! With the amount of information and understanding I have about the human psyche, I would have been healed LOOOONG ago…but alas I still have a ton of work to do. For example, he KNOWS he over gives yet that hasn’t changed anything has it? He is still choosing to over give and source a toxic pattern in the relationships he chooses. Healing is MUCH MORE than just understanding what is happening. It’s about going much deeper, with someone skilled to guide you, and helping you unpack those moments that created baggage in the first place and releasing the negative emotions and stories from that place. So while you would like to unpack the garbage together, it would be like the blind leading the blind. Does this make sense>

From what I have seen with him , he doesn’t have to get drunk all the time and according to his sister, he goes on benders every so often. Those are usually brought on my his relationship situations. RED FLAG RED FLAG!!! This is dangerous Karen. I know it’s every once in a while, but it is a strategy he has to manage stress and that is so dangerous. What most people do not know is that as we age, our emotional system and “scaffolding” so to speak, they we use on a daily basis to keep our “baggage” in check, it starts to break down and weaken and whatever is unresolved, starts to become more intense and add stress to our lives. So if he uses alcohol sometimes as a coping mechanism, it’s guaranteed to only get worse as he ages, unless he finally decides to truly face what he is carrying inside. Alcohol should NEVER be used as a way to manage stress.

I don’t know exactly how to be happy on my own. I know how to survive but I really want that intimate connection. I know I don’t NEED a man to get through but I really want that companionship to share life experiences with. I know you want that intimate connection. It’s beautiful! However, when you don’t have that with yourself, the only connection you will be able to support is a co-dependent connection. Meaning, you will rely so heavily on the other person being able to offer you what you want and need, that you will lose yourself AND that is a TON of pressure on the guy being responsible for your happiness. It is a type of connection that eventually, will drain the life out of the person you have put into that role. AND you will never learn how to source yourself. Your self-esteem will be 100% reliant on your outside world telling you instead of learning how to stay empowered. Listen Karen…life is FULL of rejection and will be forever. It is soooooo awful to have to go through life NEEDING everything to be okay so you can feel okay. Even in the most amazing relationships that are deep and intimate and authentic, rejection happens. So then what are you left with? Feeling empty, depressed and miserable. Instead, what I want to invite you into is relying on yourself for your happiness so that WHEN the world rejects you in some sort of way, you still know your value, you still feel strong, you still feel capable, you still feel lovable, and you feel 100% resilient. THAT is healthy. THAT is not NEEDING others to behave the way you want so you can feel good about yourself. This is a tough one though. Most people will avoid the kind of work it takes to build this type of resilience. It’s not easy, but I will tell you, life is soooooooo much easier this way. Going through COVID, I watched everyone around me fall apart. They either became depressed, anxious, stopped laughing, cutting people off in their lives and most people were just miserable. YUK! It doesn’t have to be that way!

He has said his wall is high and yes he is very protective of his heart at this point and as he should be. There is a difference between being “protective” and “discerning.” Protective means fear is the source. He is afraid and anytime fear is the source, it’s a recipe for failure. Fear is so powerful AND it ruins relationships EVERY TIME. We all have fear of course, but the difference is, do you let fear make the decision for you or do you put fear in the back seat and YOU take control. Discernment is sourced by wisdom. He has no discernment. He keeps choosing the same type of experience over and over again, so he hasn’t really learned anything – and then he kicks himself over and over again for not learning his lesson. Well…he will never learn his lesson until he faces his fear…THEN discernment has the ability to take over. Being discerning means having VERY CLEAR boundaries and standards as to what you require in a relationship. This is not him. And it’s not you either. You chose very toxic relationships as well and you stayed in them for a long time. It’s because your standards are so low and you do not have the self esteem to REQUIRE someone to treat you with respect and kindness…AT ALL TIMES. And if someone doesn’t align with these standards, they don’t get to be in your life.

When my friend told me that he is a giver and lover , that when he is with someone, they are his only focus, no other will even be entertained. I told him that to me that is what most women could ever want in a man. I know it’s something I would want for sure. This is called go-dependence. It’s actually not giving. It’s a very dysfunctional way to live, just like narcissism…it’s just on the opposite side. Narcissism is getting your needs met at the expense of others. CO-dependence is meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. So basically…it’s 2 sides of the same coin. It’s very damaging. He is over giving because he is trying to make himself feel good about who he is…just in a very dysfunctional way. It’s a coping mechanism. We all have them! Our coping mechanisms are with us FOREVER, however as we heal and grow, we can get a grip on them. For me, I tend towards narcissism sometimes and co-dependence sometimes. SO when I am stressed, I use my techniques, I work with my coach, I talk to my friends etc. so I can keep myself in check and NOT make decisions and handle challenges from the place of my coping mechanisms. Does this make sense?

My sister in law tells me I need to get more friends, but I don’t know if I really want more friends..Honestly, I don’t even want to entertain dating anyone other than this guy.. If it doesn’t work that way, I’m content to be single..
It’s something that had been building for quite some time and her having her ex there when he showed up confirmed it. He felt stupid and such a fool for trying. That is why he wanted to get drunk She is right! This is more about you getting exposed to MANY different kinds of people. Forget dating. Just go meet new people and learn about who you are in front of different personalities and cultures. That’s how I used to date. I used to go out with everyone and anyone…fat, short, ugly, gorgeous, athletic, brainiac, nerd AND as many different cultures as I could find. That is how I learned about myself…my judgments, how I communicated, my low self-esteem, my high self-esteem, what I was really good at, what I was not so good at. It’s how I know what I know today. Being around people allows you to develop relationship skills of all kinds! Take the pressure off of by NOT doing it for the romance. Find out that you are lovable and likable REGARDLESS of your size. The fact that this current guy is the first one who you feel accepted by, just tells me you need to get out more. There are PLENTY of people who would love and accept you just as you are, you are just not giving yourself the opportunity to experience it…so then…this current guy has so much more meaning and power in your life because he is “THE FIRST and ONLY ONE” when really, if you had a lot of experiences of being accepted for who you are, this current guy would not be on the pedestal you created.

My younger brother was like a best friend to me and we could talk about anything. He used to call me every night while he waited for his wife to get home from work. Oh Karen! I am sooooo so sorry that you lost him. That is so devastating. I love that you got to have this kind of experience! I have 2 brothers and never have I felt like that about them. At least you have some wonderful experiences with a male energy to help guide you in what is possible for you.

I booked a fall trip by myself. I did invite him to go along if he wanted because it was a large house with plenty of room so no pressure. He didn’t come. He had to go to Florida to pick up a truck and bring back here. Last I got a message from his was last Sunday after I sent him a wish for a good flight and safe travels. He said thanks and to enjoy my time away. I resisted texting him until tonight hoping he would reach out first. Just a quick Hi hope all is well. Have not heard anything back yet.. Well done! Keep doing things like this! Join travel groups and get to know other people on those trips. I’ve done that before and it’s fantastic!

I want to encourage you to let him go. He is not available for you Karen. He is very clearly keeping you at a distance. He is NOT set up emotionally to be happy and in love. All he knows about love is that it’s not safe and that is a very evident by the choices he is making. He has some very thick walls that will always keep you at a distance and he is right to do so. With the baggage he is carrying around, he will never allow himself to feel happy and that means…you are going to stay in the friend category and he will be connective sometimes and sometimes not.

I know you really want this to work….maybe at some point he will change his mind. But until then, focus 100% on yourself and cleaning up your baggage. Learn new skills, develop your self-esteem, meet other people and start to empower yourself. There is so much life waiting for you to experience. I’d hate to see you stay inside and stay small.

You are stronger than you think.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karen,

Thank you for sharing so much about our situation! It’s always helpful for us to have as much detail as possible.

Wow! You really have been through it with the relationships you chose. You started out not having a lot of self-worth and then you picked 2 men who reinforced that for you. What kind of work have you done on yourself to recover from all of that? What have you learned about yourself since being single? Do you feel emotionally stronger? Do you feel like you have more self-esteem?

I get why you really like this guy. He NEEDS you, he is connective when he is with you, and you enjoy being around him. I just want to shed some light on the situation for you. He is ALSO another emotionally unavailable man. Here are 3 main reasons that show me this:
1. He chooses women who are lower functioning emotionally which means he is lower functioning as well. He may get cheated on, but he is a vibrational match for someone who doesn’t value him and someone who is out of their integrity. He has A LOT of low self-esteem and that makes him emotionally unavailable. That makes him very high maintenance and reliant on the outside world to value him, instead of him learning how to value himself.
2. He told you flat out that his wall is mile high around women. He KNOWS he is very protective of his heart. This is a guy who has not worked through all his hurt and instead has used that hurt to build his VERY STRONG wall. This makes him NOT emotionally available.
3. He is in and out of your life and not being consistent or caring about how that impacts you. He is connective and then he isn’t. This is a guy who wants to connect with you, but his fear and his walls are MUCH STRONGER and will always sabotage connection with you. Someone who is available doesn’t behave this way. Someone who is available values and nourishes connection.

I also do want to point out that it’s a SUPER RED FLAG that he says “I want to get drunk” after catching his girlfriend. If you had not been there to connect with him, that is absolutely what he would have done. No, it doesn’t make him an alcoholic per se, but it does make him someone who wants to use alcohol to deal with stress and that is always a slippery slope. Anyone who uses alcohol as a coping mechanism is in danger. What happens if you were together and you and him got into a fight? He would probably go drink and you would be left alone without a partner to help you work through the situation. He is someone who RUNS from his stressors AND he is someone who continually chooses women who put him back into those stressors over and over again. He is a HOT MESS Karen. My guess is, he isn’t initiating with you beyond “friendship” because he actually respects you and actually likes you and he has so much low self-esteem, that he would feel like he would break your heart…he would feel like he isn’t good enough for you. While that isn’t true, it is a symptom of a lot of low self-esteem and the more there is of that, the more drama and challenge that person brings to love.

You obviously get to do what you want with this guy. I know that I have absolutely chosen relationships that were knowingly challenging and difficult and a guaranteed failure, but I made sure that as I chose that experience, I learned what I needed to learn about myself. Sometimes we just need to step into the shit to finally stop choosing to step into it.

I want to invite you into exploring yourself more. I know you had a really tough start to life and your experience with love was extremely empty, limited, and hard. So why not explore why you chose those situations in the first place? Why not explore why you stayed in it for so long? Why not explore what is stopping you from really connecting to your power and your joy and happiness? You rejected happiness for decades, so I imagine you are so used to it, that you don’t know any different.

Love is uplifting. Love is kind. Love is connective. Love is supportive and accepting. Imagine being with a guy who talks with you about the challenges instead of running away. Imagine being with a guy who feels joy with you and excited to be around you. Imagine being with a guy who is truly curious about you and asks you questions. Imagine being with a guy where you could go anywhere together and have fun…laugh, kiss, hold hands, and have great conversations. This is absolutely possible, but this type of relationship means building in standards for yourself. It means being discerning. It means not settling and it means most of all, working on your self-esteem so you can support this type of connection.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lynda! Great to hear from you! Thank you for the update.

First, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you both had a wonderful weekend together and that he is feeling more connective. It sounds like the secret ingredient, at least for now, is you having a job. You have a way to earn money, you have activities separate from him, you have some independence…which I’m guessing, is helping him feel less pressure. This is great! How are YOU feeling about having a job? I know this is only a seasonal job. Do you plan on looking for a job after this one ends? How about looking for a full time job?

Of course, I shut down and sat during the performance quiet and angry. After it, he asked me if I was mad and I was honest and said a little yes. He seemed to get irritated at this. Why??? I was truthful and I had a right to be. I never got an apology. The only thing said was in the car on the way to the game when he said “I don’t mean to be irritated”. I understand he was probably worried I wouldn’t make it back in time. But he never got a hold of me to tell me he thought I shouldn’t go to the store. Again, I feel like he wasn’t communicating like he should. Lynda, he isn’t going to communicate the way you want him to all the time…it’s just the reality of relationships. He is not a great communicator, but this is pretty common for most men. And the common pattern for most women is to shut down and become passive aggressive by NOT communicating either and shutting down and becoming unavailable, waiting for the man to pull it out of her. I want to encourage you to communicate differently as well. Shutting down and becoming angry instead of simply talking to him about what you need differently, is a harmful pattern as well. The anger just festers inside of you and that can absolutely spiral into something MUCH BIGGER the longer you hold it in. You cannot do anything about HE communicates, but you can definitely work on your lack of communication as well.

I am also upset because now that I have a job, I was going to get those vocal lessons I always wanted. About a week or so ago, he brought that up. He started the conversation with now that I had a job – “I don’t expect you to give me money for the bills, but you could help out with other things needed”. He then proceeded to mention the fact that he never forgot that I wanted those lessons, but he was concerned because he feels like they would be a long term thing and that would cost a lot. Let’s talk about your job and the money you are making from it. What it sounds like is that you both are not on the same page here and a conversation needs to happen about that.

He is supporting you financially and now his kids are home and also relying on him. The business has been struggling, so for a man being the MAIN provider for everyone…it’s VERY scary and lot of pressure when money isn’t flowing in. I can understand his concern that once you start these lessons, it gets expensive long term and you only have a seasonal part time job…so what happens when the job is over? You plan on stopping your lessons? His concerns are valid and it’s good that he expressed them. The lessons are one more expense he was thinking would be added to his list of bills. Can you understand his concern? Instead of getting upset, talk to him about it. Work TOGETHER on the ways you get your needs met. He is covering the majority of your expenses, so talk about how you can help out with that more, your plans about what happens when the seasonal job ends, and about you using your money for singing lessons and what his true thoughts are about this. Neither of how you feel is right or wrong…it’s just different. His feelings need to matter to you and your feelings need to matter to him – and then you BOTH compromise and figure out how to come to an agreement about how the money you earn is spent. If he were making tons of money and was easily able to cover ALL expense for everyone, he wouldn’t even question you using the money you make for singling lessons. So it’s important to truly see that he is stressed, feels a lot of pressure to take care of everyone, and you are wanting to use money that you make for a hobby instead of helping to pay for your own cost of living. Do you see how he might struggle with that?

If his daughter is using your stuff, then take it out of the shower and put it in a basket that you can bring in and out of your room, so she no longer has access to it. I know it’s a pain, but that’s the reality of your home right now. If his kids want to do nothing…they get to do that. It’s between him and his kids, not you. So let HIM be the kind of caretaker he wants to be and then you are going to have to protect your own things so they don’t use it….or let her use your stuff and let it go.

He wants me to have my independence, but won’t let me have money to do that. Yes, he wants you to have your independence, but he pretty much pays for your life. It’s not that he won’t let you, he just has feelings about supporting your life while you take the little money you earn and put it towards a hobby after your car payment. That’s hard for him and rightly so. He wants more financial help. Can you blame him? And for you to say “he won’t let me” seems like you are putting him in the parent role and you are the child. You are a grown woman and you can do as you please Lynda. He is not stopping you. If he doesn’t like a choice you make, it doesn’t mean you can’t do it. It just means he doesn’t like it and you will have to deal with that by either honoring his feelings and figuring out how to compromise, or you decide to do it anyways and know he won’t like it. How many times has he done something he knows you don’t like? A LOT! It’s just part of relationship. So if you want to spend money on singing lessons, then you get to do that. He is not going to stop you. He just will struggle with it.

When I think about it, this is how I feel – he stays at the house and does some work things all day, but also talks to his friend all day and does hockey stuff. I go to work 5 days a week, come home and help with the business, and still can’t have what little money I will have left after my car payment. I still help him with orders and I’m still helping try to grow the business so why can’t he get me the few things I may need? I don’t know how to have independence and do things for me without having money. I think I’m done venting for now. It sounds like resentment is growing for you and that is something that truly needs to be addressed or it’s going to break you guys apart sooner or later. It seems you are still resentful of his attention to hockey and his friend and that you don’t feel THAT important to him and it hurts. Lynda, this is his life and how he likes to move through it. Hockey and his best friend are soooo important for him and his sanity. I know you want to be THAT important to him, but it’s just not going to happen. You are going to be 2nd to hockey and to his best friend. Can you be okay being 2nd? Can you be okay that he is giving you everything he has. If this is not enough for you, then it’s time for you to re-evaluate your choices. If you cannot accept that his is how he WANTS to live his life, then it’s time to go.

It sounds like you feel resentful that you are working your own job and then trying to grow the business, so you feel you should have SOMETHING to show for it…singing lessons – and you are resentful that he doesn’t support that for you. How can you create this dynamic differently? If you don’t do something, you are just going to continue to be angry about everything he does and feels and he will be reactive to that. It’s time to sit down and have a serious conversation about your “independence.” I guarantee he has a completely different view about what independence is than you do.

So why not set up a date night, go to a restaurant and talk about the finances. DO NOT get upset about how he feels. Truly listen. Be curious about his perspective and be workable to find a solution that you both feel good about. You both are having these moments of discord, but neither of you are talking about it. He gets irritated, you get angry….and neither of you are really sitting down and talking about it and working it all the way through to completion.

In regards to you, you are still operating under this mindset that HE needs to act and be a certain way so you can feel happy. You are still looking to him to communicate better, choose you more, support you with everything he has…so you can finally feel happy in this relationship. Like I have said many times, this approach and mindset will just keep you in hurt and resentment. Instead, empower yourself. If you want more independence, then get a full time job and make more money…pay for ALL your bills and budget for singing lessons. If you want better communication, then begin with yourself and stop shutting down and pointing the finger at him for not talking to you, when you are doing the same exact thing to him. If you don’t want your stuff to be used by his daughter, then take it out of the shower so she doesn’t use it. This is EMPOWERMENT. This is a mindset of you taking care of yourself instead of looking to everyone else to be what you need so you can be happy.

Thoughts on this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lynda

I haven’t heard from you in a while, so I thought I’d check in. Not sure if you are still a member here. How are things going? I know they were on the upswing. Is it still continuing to get better little bits at a time?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Mahsa. Welcome!

I’m a little confused about this situation, so I have some questions.

It sounds like you both are very likeminded, which is always a really good way to start things out.

What happened between kissing and stopping the first night (because you know what needs to be in place for you to move to the next level), to having sex the 2nd date? There is no judgment here, it’s just me inquiring into what happened for you that you negotiated away your standards? You had them the first date, but not the 2nd date, so what was the difference within you? You both were obviously impulsive, but I always love to look beneath that impulsive energy and explore what was sourcing it. I know sexual chemistry is incredibly powerful, but usually there is something deeper and on a subconscious level that happens when people give into that chemistry (or anything for that matter) even though it goes against what they REALLY want consciously. Any thoughts on this?

It sounds like having sex and then being anxious and going to the clinic, shifted a very fragile (just because it was brand new) connection.

Just found myself feeling very anxious about everything moving so fast and him taking a 2 week trip to Italy the next day Tell me more about this. What specific fears were up for you? Yes, you moved fast, but it really is a simple fix to slow things back down again. Did you not feel he would be open to that? What fear did you have about him going to Italy?

I feel like I wasn’t able to even really be myself through all our dates I’m curious why you didn’t feel like you could be yourself. What parts of you were you holding back? What was missing from who you REALLY are? And what do you understand about the “why” behind you hiding your most authentic self?

start off on the right foot to see if my feelings are accurate I am not sure I understand this. What IS the right foot in your mind? What feelings are you not sure of?

In the end, I think the most important thing to focus on, is figuring out what about this situation or what about him, causes you to disconnect from yourself. Whenever I feel I am not being 100% authentic and 100% in my own skin, I always explore the reasons for that. Usually, there is fear….fear of not being accepted, putting the other person on a pedestal – making me “less than” somehow, afraid of being rejected….it’s usually something within this genre. It’s always an opportunity because it exposes where I am not choosing myself first or where I am not loving myself first and where I am hiding parts of myself in order to gain attention somehow. That’s a hole within ME that gets exposed when I feel like this and I am wanting the guy to fill it for me.

How do I step into the friendship as my best self without being too eager This is the mindset I would invite you to explore. If you are eager, it’s just a symptom of you giving away your power to him. If you were grounded and centered and 100% in alignment with how amazing you truly are, you would not be eager to have him accept you, like you, choose you, or even want to be your friend. It’s “child” energy that is “eager” to connect, to be liked, to be chosen. When you are in your confidence and connected to the divine truth that you are worth loving and knowing, JUST AS YOU ARE – then your need to have anyone else validate that for you doesn’t exist. Does this make sense?

So again, I circle back around to this…for whatever reason, this guy is activating some of your insecurities. Man…I’ve had many men do that to me and it’s tough AND I slow myself down and explore where I am giving away my value and letting THEM decide if I’m valuable enough, pretty enough, interesting enough etc. Then I work on coming home to myself and letting go of the “outcome” of what I THINK I want with them. Ultimately, you will know you are 100% free when you do not seek anything from him, because you are so fully and completely filled up and connected to the divine truth, not HIS truth.

So your need for things to “start on the right foot” is an illusion. There is no such thing as “right.” Your relationship will grow into whatever it grows into…it might completely fall flat or it might develop….who knows. Your goal is to NOT NEED it to be anything other than what it is. THAT is staying empowered. THAT is staying connected to a higher level truth. THAT is allowing TRUE manifestation to happen – remember it’s taught to let go of the outcome. So manifest an amazing, incredible, deep, inspiring love and then LET GO of who that is going to be for you.

Does all of this make sense?

Thoughts?

Heidi

• This reply was modified 4 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Hi Jessica! Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts! It helps me every time know how to better offer my guidance.

My biggest question would be, what does a “healed” or “adult energy” version of myself look like to you? What healed looks like for anyone, is alignment with the highest levels of truth. When we have hurt that we are carrying from our past, that hurt exists ONLY because we placed a negative story around that hurt. That hurt lives in a sea of lies that we are keeping alive every time we run that story about whatever happened. What healing looks like, is being able to look back at whatever happened and have zero negative feelings about it. All that is left is gratitude for the experience and all it taught us. Let’s use your past as an example. You were bullied combined with having parents that also created a harmful environment for you. You literally had nowhere safe to go, so you spent your childhood in an elevated, survival type of energy. You created a lot of stories around those events….I don’t know exactly what those stories are, but I do know that those stories would include thoughts something like “I’m not safe” “Yelling is bad” “I need to be perfect so I don’t upset anyone” – and those thoughts are fueled by lies and here is how this happens:

When trauma happens or a strong enough event occurs that it imprints on our system, it gets stored in “state specific” form. This means that the details of the event, the smells, the sounds, the tone of the people, and your thoughts (at the age it happened) gets stored in your system. The biggest challenge about this, is when something happens as a 10 year old, the thoughts about that event get stored with a 10 year old mentality. 10 year olds obviously DO NOT have the ability to truly understand what is happening. Our brains do not fully develop abstract thinking until our early 20s, and that’s why a lot of children that were abused or had traumatic events, may have gone to therapy as a child, but they will need to go back later, as a full grown adult, to be able to process the deeper, more abstract layers of those events, now that their brain is fully developed. So when stories are stored as a 3 year old, a 10 year old, a 12 year old etc., those stories are full of lies….for example, a 10 year old would BELIEVE “my mom left because I wasn’t a good boy like she wanted me to be.” That is the level of a 10 year old brain. But just because someone grows up and their brain develops, it doesn’t mean those thoughts that imprinted at that age, grow up. Those thoughts, stories, lies STAY as a 10 year old.

THIS is where triggers come from. Someone says or does something and it has a familiar enough flavor for it to activate that 10 year old thinking “they will leave me if I’m not perfect.” These thoughts are what I call “targets” which are the lies that FEEL true. Someone leaving has nothing to do with that 10 year old being perfect or not, right? But the 10 year old doesn’t FEEL that. These “targets” are messages from the subconscious, letting us know what REALLY lives deep inside of us. OVER 80% of what we think and feel comes from the subconscious. So you, for example, have the story that the quiet guys are more safe and that is influencing who you are initially attracted to. If you healed all the stories and negative imprint of your past, that story would not exist. What would exist instead is the story that any guy can be a good match and you could feel safe with a popular, loud, or magnetic guy or a shy quiet one. It wouldn’t matter. What would matter instead are the qualities of the person. The emotionally unavailable guy is your pattern, so that is your wounding – the energy of your young self who is still carrying a lot of hurt and pain from your past and who is choosing the guys who are unavailable because you have identified them as “safe” because they are NOT how your parents behaved. Do you see how your past experiences shaped this belief that the quiet guys are more safe?

So healed means, alignment with the truth. The truth being “I am lovable.” “I am safe.” “I am resilient and can handle anything that shows up.” Someone who is more healed, has a lower pain tolerance. When things get difficult (in an unhealthy, toxic way), they don’t participate or engage. The women who are constantly going after the unavailable men, have a higher pain tolerance, because they are carrying around the BIG wound “I’m not lovable” so they keep trying to master that by picking a guy who is unavailable and hoping to win him over, which will FINALLY make them feel “I am lovable” (which of course never sustains – once they finally get that guy and finally get that attention, the relationship will end at some point because it’s unhealthy to begin with and they will just go find another guy to try and win over).

I’ve always been like this. I don’t feel a predisposition to “fix” this guy and know that I’m going to have to accept him for who he is and where he’s at, even if he struggles, that he needs to challenge himself on his own, and that’s my decision on whether I can accept where he is right now or if he’s too much of a project for me. Just because “you’ve always been like this” and you don’t “feel” like you want to fix, doesn’t mean it’s true. Feelings are NOT the facts. Instead of looking at how you “feel,” look at your patterns. Look at your actions. Look at what is driving you.

Your past hurts influence how you feel and your perspectives, and this is why letting our feelings be the sole guiding light in our decision is very dangerous. They absolutely are PART of the decision making process, but definitely do NOT belong in the driver’s seat.

You have never known yourself to be any other way, because you don’t know who you are without the wounded part of you. I can’t tell you how many times I cleared something from my past and how it INSTANTLY shifted how I viewed something or felt something. The wounded energy we carry is so much a part of us, that we don’t even know what’s possible without it until we face it and clear it….and then all of a sudden we feel the truth of the situation. I used to ONLY date those unavailable me and now…no way. The thought exhausts me. Another example is I had a very popular and well known life coach have a VERY strong reaction to something I said that challenged how she approached something. I triggered her into her abusive, critical, and narcissistic self. She completely tore me to pieces with her words. My past self would have crumbled. My heart would have broken, I would have done everything I could to appease her, it would have activated my need to have everyone like me – her reaction would have triggered me into my little girl energy still carrying the pain…but instead…it felt like a pin prick level of pain. I was soooo grounded in the truth that no matter what she thought of me, I KNEW I was lovable. I KNEW I was a good person, even though she didn’t think so. I did not give HER story about me, authority. I stayed empowered, clear, and connected to my value, even when she was having her reaction. I 100% knew that her reaction to me had to do with uncleared stuff from her past, because she was behaving like a 12 year old. She was not an adult, she was in her child. That’s not for ME to fix or deal with or take ownership of. So because I had been working a lot at that time on clearing my need to be liked, I was able to navigate her reaction to me with a much higher level of consciousness and connection to the truth of the situation.

It absolutely IS your decision. I’m just pointing out that he is a bigger project. Relationships are difficult enough as it is…but adding on top of that a guy who is socially challenged in the way he is…it just makes being in relationship with him that much harder. Why choose this hard? Have you ever been in an easy relationship?

I feel like I’m being asked to change a core part of my personality without knowing what that change looks like I’m not sure if I answered this or explained this, so let me know if you still me more understanding.

I also feel like the worst-case scenarios about his ability to feel joy and step out of his shell a little are VERY exaggerated. This could absolutely be true! All I have to go by is what you say and my instincts about what you are saying. We don’t have the ability to have the back and forth, which allows questions and deeper understanding. This platform is very limiting compared to what could happen in person. I appreciate you clarifying and continuing to explain, as it helps me see where I am missing the target.

By having someone in my circle set me up the way people met before the internet, I would not have to navigate a difficult dating pool, and continue on with a clear conscience and clear intentions of focusing on one person at at time. I understand your aversion to online dating. It’s a very intense process and one I don’t recommend for most people. Why not expand your friend group? There are all kinds of meetup type of groups for common interests….like hiking, dog play dates, happy hour etc. There are platforms where people host events like this so everyone with common interests can meet each other. If something romantic comes out of it, then great! If not, that’s okay too! The challenge with your friend group is if something doesn’t work out with whomever they set you up with, there is a possibility that it will change the relationship you have with your friend/s who set you up in the first place. Just something to consider. Either way, consider expanding your social circle!

I feel like I’m being encouraged to just walk out on someone who’s already demonstrated an ability and willingness to provide some of my most critical needs – common interests, similar living preferences, drive and initiative with both his music and his career/working life, my preferred amount of personal space, and conscientiousness and emotional safety – just because he’s inexperienced and clueless about how to start a relationship and has some social and emotional struggles. He definitely is checking a lot of critical boxes. Where I am coming from is more reverse engineering. We do know MOST of what makes a relationship healthy and sustainable. Of course there are always variables that cannot be measured, but there are foundational components that are needed. One of those components is how people treat each other in their very worst moments….the worst hurt, the worst anger, the worst upset..feelings of betrayal and disappointment, the worst stress etc. How a couple navigates these moments will make or break their success. It’s the WORST of a person that needs to hold the most value when we are looking to offer our hearts to someone. The reality is, love, as it grows and deepens, will absolutely shine a light and trigger the darkest corners that carry the most intense pain within us. It’s inevitable. So…paying attention to how someone handles stress is CRUCIAL. It’s during those super stressful times where trust is built up or shattered. And if it’s shattered, the relationship breaks. Usually not right away, but over time the relationship will fail because there is a crack in the foundation. I’m encouraging you to give more weight and credence to his stress response. Although you guys have worked through some smaller things more seemlessly and with a lot of respect, none of it was in person. Who you saw IN PERSON and how he responded to stress IN THE MOMENT was that he pulled away. That’s called stonewalling. It’s where the person’s system goes into “overdrive” and they have to retreat and they become unavailable. This is a coping mechanism that absolutely breaks connection over time. This will ALWAYS be his coping mechanism. He will ALWAYS want to run away and hide. Our coping mechanisms never change as our response to stress is woven into our personalities. I am exactly like him…I retreat. Today, that urge is absolutely still there, but I have cleared enough of the pain from my past, that my adult self is able to handle situations differently. I know how to better manage that response to retreat…but only because I have done a lot of healing work and cleared a TON of those child stories that imprinted on my system. I know you have had some beautiful and amazing experiences with him and I love that. I’m just saying that from what you have shared, he is not set up to have a successful, deep, intimate love that I know you want. He doesn’t have the ability to offer that…at least not with who he is today. Can he change? Absolutely. He would need to get some help and it would take many years…but maybe you are up for that! Maybe what he offers is good enough for you. That’s something only you will know. From an outside perspective, the foundation for success is not present, so the odds of it being what you want long term, are not high. AND ….I could be totally wrong!

However, the cumulative failure over the years has begun to weigh on me, it’s affecting how I carry myself in social situations, and a lot of the self-work I’ve done through reading books and going to therapy has started to suffer because of the cumulative effects of all this failure. This is a perfect example of a story you are carrying in your system that is full of wounded energy. You call your experiences “failures.” A clear, non wounded perspective would call them “learning experiences.” You call them failures just because the end result was a breakup. I call them experiences that brought you a TON of learning….learning how to communicate, learning about your needs, learning about what works and doesn’t work, learning about love, learning about your limitations, learning how to navigate their limitations…I could make a mile long list of the gifts that “failed” relationships bring into our lives….so are they really “failures” when so many good things came out of them?

You are saying it’s “cumulative.” It’s only cumulative because you are not completely clearing the negative energy out of each situation, so it’s now exhausting you…as it should. More gunk keeps getting piled on top of you and you are having to carry that everywhere you go. It doesn’t have to be cumulative. The goal is to enter into each new experience with a clean slate. If you cleared all the gunk after each experience, there is no buildup of anything. So the fact that you are feeling exhausted, THAT is the language of the subconscious. THAT is a symptom of the level of baggage you are carrying around. THAT is the “target” that if you went down that rabbit hole, I guarantee you would find a boatload of stories, pain, anger etc. from when you were younger. So…my mindset is that when I feel things like what you are feeling, I say “thank you for letting me know. Thank you for showing me where I am stuck and clogged up. Now I know and now I can open this up and use this opportunity to clear the lies that are keeping me stuck.” So I use my techniques, I work with my coach, I peel back the layers to find out what is sourcing this feeling….and it’s never the current situation, it’s always something from the past….the current situation just presses the button that activates the network of stories we are holding from our past.

I have said sooooooo much here and it’s really just the surface level. It’s hard to try and explain all of this by typing it out. I usually teach this stuff in webinars with diagrams and I am able to show ALL the pieces at once. I’m hoping that at the very least, what I have explained will help you understand your situation on a deeper level.

In the end Jessica, you have 2 choices: 1. keep trying to work things out with this guy. This path will have very specific lessons for you 2. Decide this kind of hard is not what you want and let it go. This path will also have a lot of lessons for you. Both paths can be hard and both paths will carry many gifts for you. So you just have to decide which kind of hard you want to be in relationship with.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Bonnie,

Welcome back! Wow….it’s been 4 years! That’s a long time!

So it sounds like you both have created a connection that is pleasant and stable and predictable. I’m glad you have taken some time to get to know yourself! After 32 years of marriage, there is a whole new side of yourself to get to know. Well done for taking that time for yourself!

So I’m curious. Have you liked this guy the whole time? Tell me why you are interested in dating him. Do you imagine it could turn into something more serious?

This is a bit of a tough one because if it doesn’t work out, feeling safe to be at home without you 2 running into each other will be difficult. You never know how endings will go. Dating is a big risk in and of itself, but you 2 have the added layer of living in the same complex, which makes this whole thing EXTREMELY risky. I’m wondering if he just doesn’t want to risk it.

Has there been any flirting at all? Do you get any sense that he might be interested? Who initiates the texting / conversations more? Or is it pretty equal?

I also want to suggest to just start dating and getting your feet wet again. Have you been on any dates the past 4 years?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Misti,

I am soooooo so sorry for what you are going through. It’s awful to have not only lost your son, but now you are losing your husband.

Did either of you get some help to process the loss? Group support? A therapist? Anything of that nature? He obviously is acting out and doesn’t know how he feels, because he has sooooo much pain he is carrying inside and not working through, that he is seeking pleasure anywhere he can find it…and he is not even aware he is doing it. He needs some help. His behaviors are impulsive, which is indicative of someone trying to escape how they are feeling…and again…a lot of people are not even consciously aware they are doing that. They are just letting their feelings guide them and their feelings are strong and very real, but they have no clue that their feelings are actually not real – they are a result of wanting to escape from something big they are carrying that they have buried.

What to do? This is a tough one Misti. If he is not willing to get help, there is not much you can do. He is being destructive (which is a common response to the loss of loved ones). If he isn’t willing to face the pain of the losses he is carrying, he will only continue to sabotage any happiness in his life…that’s just how it works. So you can either continue to witness his sabotage and be part of it, or you can set some clear boundaries with him. What those boundaries are will be up to you and what you are willing to deal with.

The first thing I would do is to keep your kids out of this. They are NOT old enough to understand the dynamics about what is happening. They of course can have their feelings about it with each of you individually, but BOTH of you need to agree that they can express how they feel, but it’s still an adult issue between the both of you to figure out and navigate. They really only need to get the cliff notes version of what is going on and you BOTH need to agree to protect them from the darker details. Kids do not even fully develop their ability for abstract thinking until their early 20s, so anything abstract – like what is happening in your family right now – they WILL NOT be able to fully understand or process. What they need to see and what you both need to role model is that it’s messy AND you will work together to find common ground. What they need to be role modeled is how to respect each other in this mess, even in the worst pain. Respect means no name calling, no criticism, no cutting each other down, continuing to communicate, honoring that you each have a story and perspective that feels VERY real, even though they are different. That will show your kids what it looks like to navigate messiness in a healthy way. From what you are saying, it sounds like your kids are getting in the middle of this and that is not a place kids need to be. And sometimes, when parents work together FOR THE KIDS and find common ground when dealing with the kids, that common goal and that collaboration FOR THE KIDS can actually help bring healing. Sometimes not, but at the very least, it keeps things in check for the whole family.

Would YOU consider getting help and work with a professional? There are soooo many feelings here and having a guide can help things go so much better!

Heidi

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