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There’s nothing to think about Sparky not reaching out. There’s no way for you to know the what or why of it and there is no pattern, so there’s nothing to worry about. When you say his language is rough, does that mean he cusses? And that is offensive to you, yes?
I’d like to hear more about your non-negotiables for a Christian man when you are less tired. This is really important for you to be clear on. What you are describing is quite general. The more specific you get, the better filter you will have in place to set yourself up for success.
Congrats on signing up for Mat Boggs program! I’m curious about what you are so scared of. I imagine he has a refund policy in place, so maybe take a breathe and know that you can always back out by a certain time if it doesn’t feel like the right fit. What made you sign up for it?
Heidi
Camp was near Yosemite. GORGEOUS!!! I left because I had a career as a Strength Coach. Also, it was a Christian camp and I didn’t quite align with all of their values, so 1 year of some amazing experiences, but it was just time to move on.
Sparky sounds really nice! I love that he is consistent. You are hesitant because he doesn’t have similar interests, yes? Is there anything else you are hesitant about?
I’d love to hear more about your requirements for a Christian man. Going to church with you, not swearing and reading the bible with you is what you have mentioned so far. Are those non-negotiables for you? Or is there some flexibility in these? I guess I’m looking for your Christian non-negotiables. What do you REQUIRE from your guy as a Christian?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
My heart deeply goes out to you. It’s so incredibly shocking and heartbreaking to find out something like this, especially after so many years of marriage. Betrayal has many layers to it that causes such incredibly deep hurt that affects every area of our lives.
One of the MOST DIFFICULT and PAINFUL things we have to do in life, is let people be who they want to be. The reality is, we have zero control over the choices other people make that affect us…and break our hearts.
I’m just going to be very straightforward here and I know it’s not what you want to hear, but maybe more what you need to hear. You have already lost your husband. He is connecting with another woman and although he is willing to try counseling, he is not willing to TRULY invest as long as he is still investing in another woman. Healing and repair of your marriage and the damage his cheating has caused cannot be worked through as long as he is still actively connecting with another woman. It’s like an addict entering into recovery while still doing drugs. It doesn’t work and it never will. Also, being that he has cheated before as well and this is not his first time, his way of coping with his unhappiness and the emptiness he feels inside is to source himself with women. This is a choice and behavior that needs to be addressed on his own if he is really going to start to make different decisions. He does not have integrity and doing couple’s counseling is not going to fix that. The issue lies within him and him alone, therefore needs to be directly worked on JUST BY HIM and is not something that can be fixed or healed in couple’s therapy. So….the truth you need to start embracing here is that you have already lost your husband. His heart is not with you. His heart is not with anyone. He is betraying himself all over the place by breaking his word physically, spiritually and emotionally… therefore will ALWAYS betray others. Even if he eventually gives up this girlfriend, there will be another one and another one and another one…until he addresses and works with the emptiness he carries within. He is not a man who is able to be intimately and deeply connected to anyone as he is not connected to himself. So I will say this again…you have already lost your husband. He is not available for you and may never have been. I don’t know. I know my parents divorced after 18 years of marriage due to extensive cheating by my father. He did the very best he could, but was a bad egg to begin with. But their journey together worked for a good amount of time…until it didn’t and it was time to go separate ways.
I hope there’s still a chance we can move on from this together. I am at a loss what to do next. There is no moving on from this “together” as there is no together here. He is not behaving or making decisions to support a “together” kind of mindset. As long as he is still with this other woman, he is choosing himself and not your marriage. You ask what to do next, but what you are really asking is “what do I do to get him back?” I understand that question as you do not want to give up on this relationship and the love you do have for him. The answer to that question is first and foremost, to accept who he is and the reality of what he is able to offer you. That means, you accept that he cheats, you accept that he feels empty inside and his way to fix how he feels is through surface connection and women and sex. You accept that he is quite limited and cannot offer you the deep, emotional, authentic intimacy your heart desires. In this acceptance, you have choices from there. 1. Align with having an open marriage 2. Disconnect and go your separate ways 3. Continue therapy and use it as a time to learn and grow for yourself and NOT with the goal of him changing his ways.
Here is another truth that is important for you to really begin to embrace. How we treat ourselves first and foremost, is how we teach others to treat us. He is betraying you and his word and his commitment to you and he has not intention of stopping. You are here trying to find a way to fix this and change it. You are betraying yourself. You are choosing to stay with a man who betrays you, because you are betraying yourself first. How many times in your marriage did you stay silent and not express your true feelings? How many times have you put your own needs aside in order to make him happy? How long has it been since you felt totally and completely fulfilled in your life? In your marriage? Anytime you decide to make someone else’s needs more important and more valuable than your own, you are betraying yourself. So the energy of betrayal that has shown up in your life through him, begins within you and how you treat yourself. There hasn’t been a person I have worked with who has been cheated on, that didn’t have some kind of betrayal energy running in their own system. Whether it was through them staying silent and not expressing their true thoughts and needs or whether it showed up in small moments where they were breaking their own word by not doing or being what they say, betrayal is an energy they had been in relationship with for a long time. So maybe explore this within yourself and your patterning.
With this being said, it is NOT your fault this is happening. I want to be clear that this is just a learning experience and is not about blame on any level. It’s about understanding how relationships work. The basic principle is: How we treat ourselves is reflected in how others treat you. With this kind of understanding, it helps you use every single situation as a “mirror” of what you carry within you – and those moments give you very powerful moments of learning and healing the areas where you are not so well connected with your divine, precious, sacred heart. It’s a forever journey and many times, as you are experiencing, a painful journey.
What I would most suggest for you, is to work with a therapist on your own. You are obviously not in a place of wanting to let go right now and that’s okay. So keep doing counseling with him and then work on your own with a therapist who can help you process more deeply in private and not with him in the room. You are in so much pain and heartbreak right now, you need some help sifting through your entire world falling apart. So give yourself that kind of support, clear the clutter, the hurt, the confusion and THEN you make a more clear decision about what to do next when you are ready. Is this something you can do?
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
HAHAHAHA! You are so funny! I love it! Does she have a name?? Just ask her and she will tell you. I love that you are connecting with her and protecting her. It’s really beautiful how you talk about her!!
I love love love that you did the exercise!!! And it made me completely smile hearing about how excited your son was about coloring! How old is he?
It sounds like the time you and your guy spent together was really wonderful and nourishing. I love that you guys laughed a lot. That is always very bonding! Are there plans for next Friday tea again?
It IS such a simple exercise but like you are experiencing, incredibly powerful. Tell me more about how it feels for you while doing this? What’s it like? Is she easy to talk with? Do you find yourself wanting to “fix” how she feels or are you good about just holding space for her and loving her? I’m so proud of you that you are doing this! I can’t tell you how many people I have passed this exercise onto, that never do it. But you did and that is FABULOUS!!!
Heidi
Thank you for the pics! They were fun! Yes, I miss camp. It was a very natural and instinctive kind of job for me.
It doesn’t sound like you are too excited about Steve. Your core interests are different and you definitely are not a shopping or tv kind of gal. But who knows…he may surprise you. I’m curious…you said he is Christian but you don’t know what his relationship with God is. What do you require from a Christian man. There are a million kind of expressions of Christianity and it’s such a personal thing. Do you have any idea what you are looking for in that department? Meaning, what kind of relationship with God do you NEED your guy to have in order to match well with you?
Heidi
Oh wow! It sounds like you had a really wonderful weekend!!! I love that you got to go riding. I know it was a mixed bag for you, but that’s okay. You got to ride! And the ropes course!!!! That’s what I call it at least…I’m very experienced on those as I used to belay for those all the time. I ran 2 different camps as an activities director and that was always on the list of things that groups needed to go through. It was ALWAYS about facing fears. Some could do it, some couldn’t, but it also gave me the experience of how to talk people through something like that. It was soooooo much fun. GOOD JOB!!!! It’s definitely something to be proud of!
As far as the differences between those 2 guys…it makes more sense now. Good job for saying no to funky schedule. You took care of yourself instead of going on a date and that is a BIG deal for you! You are quite an accommodating person so by saying no, he will feel your strength in that and appreciate it. I love that he still is reaching out. I hope he ends up following through on making plans with you.
As far as blowing the kiss in return, it’s always about paying attention to whether it’s authentic for you or not. Did you do it because he did it? Did you actually WANT to blow him a kiss? Was blowing a kiss to him in alignment with how you felt about him? That’s what we have to pay attention to most when dating…when are we being truly authentic vs. not? When are we in alignment or operating from a program of how we think we are supposed to be? I can’t tell you how many women fall into social programming when dating…the roles of men and women, what’s appropriate, what will get a guy to like them and it’s a very strong social program. Much of the time, I am helping women wake up to these very small, seemingly insignificant moments where they are saying, acting or being certain ways that are from the programming and it’s not actually authentic…but they don’t know it. So…it’s up to you to decide if you should have blown that kiss or not. Does this make sense?
Heidi
she is a person who reacts very upset and negative to anything new or different, not only different from her opinion, but also in situations where she really does not have a clear argument or idea, opinion and/or knowledge about something, she is constantly in a defensive position. This is great! Your mom basically taught you that it was not okay or safe to have a different opinion, share something new or go against her in anyway….otherwise there would be consequences. I’m not sure if she punished you at all when you were younger, but regardless, your very young system learned that you would upset “mommy” if you didn’t agree or wanted something different or new than what your mom wanted. So…in applying this to your current situation…you had a different opinion than your guy about the house. You had a negative reaction and you didn’t trust that negative reaction. That negative reaction caused you to disconnect and “hide” your true feelings from him….no different than your mom. Your mom did not teach you that it was safe to have your own opinions, no matter what they were. Her reactions taught you that you needed to manipulate the situation somehow in order for her to get her to hear you. So again, it was not safe for you to be your most authentic self. You had to hide away your feelings and figure out a way to present what you felt in some sort of strategic way. Do you see now how you did the same thing with your guy when he presented you with the house idea? Are you able to see the connections here?
And then your dad role modeled you to “stay small.” Always make sure you play the martyr…sacrifice yourself so someone else can get their needs met. So…BOTH your parents, in very different ways, taught you to play small, hide your true feelings, hide your needs and be VERY careful with your ideas, your emotions, your thoughts etc.
Does this make sense?
And then let’s include the additional programming of the education and business hierarchies that you mentioned. Of course that influences you, but that came later on in your life. All this programming did was reinforce what your parents had already unknowingly taught you. If you follow the rules, if you don’t question, just do what you are told…things will go smoothly for you.
Because sometimes things seem much easier in theory than in practice. I wish it is still something I could discover with him. You are spot on with this one. Turning your knowledge into wisdom is a FOREVER process and takes A LOT of healing, emotional development and intelligence and a lot of forgiveness work. All those walls, programs, blocks, limiting beliefs etc. act as a barrier the barrier between knowledge and wisdom. The more baggage you clear, the easier it is live what you know. I’ve been doing this kind of process for over 2 decades now and I still have a loooong ways to go. BUT…what it does for me today, compared to even 5 years ago, is my ability to connect to the truth when I get knocked off my center, is sooooooo much faster. I have an internal strength now that allows me to live so much more authentically and much more solid as I move through my life and love. When I get triggered, I know where it comes from, I know how to navigate it in a healthy way, I know how to forgive myself and others and I am stronger each time for it. If you REALLY want to do the real work, it means working with someone who can take you to those places inside of yourself that you can’t access on your own. You need someone who is skilled at helping you navigate those fears, the low self-esteem, the programming and help you clear that stuff out. I have always had someone I worked with and there is no way I would be where I am at without that. The coach I work with now is phenomenal. I’m happy to share her information if that interests you. Just let me know and I’ll send it your way 🙂
In the meantime, here is an exercise you can experiment with. It’s called “Left/Right Handwriting.” It gives you an opportunity to access deeper levels by talking to your little girl energy. You will need to go to a craft store like Michaels. Find the section where they have crayons and paper to write on. Ask your little girl energy to pick whatever she wants to write with and whatever she wants to write on. My little girl LOVES the super big crayons and the big, big paper that is bound in a drawing pad. So what you want to do is find some time to dedicate to yourself that is quiet and when you won’t be interrupted. Your dominant hand will represent your adult self and your non-dominant hand represents your little girl. Your adult can write with whatever you want and you start the conversation on the paper your little girl picked out. You can start with a question like “I noticed that you got really scared when you had bad feelings about him asking about the house. It feels like you were afraid. Is that true? What were you afraid of?” One thing that is SUPER important in this process is to talk to her like she is a child. Do not use adult language. Talk to her at the age that you feel her. Then you give her whatever she picked to write with and put it in your non dominant hand and write down what she tells you. DO NOT filter anything. Allow her a SAFE place to feel and say whatever she needs to. Since your mom didn’t create that safe space for her, YOU have to now give that to her. It’s fascinating because writing with the non dominant hand truly makes you feel like a child, which makes it very easy to access that part of you. And then keep the conversation going until you feel it’s complete. The goal here is to NOT tell her what to do. The goal is to just support her. Keep letting her feel and say what she needs and keep asking her about it. And you keep inserting the truth in with your adult responses. For example, let’s say she says something like “I’m afraid he won’t like me if I tell him that I am scared.” As a “mom” you would say something like “I know how scary your feelings can be sometimes. It can really hurt when someone gets mad at you for your feelings. But you know what? I will love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you and no matter what anybody else does, I will always be here for you. Even if he doesn’t like you, I will like you. You have such a beautiful amazing heart and all your feelings are always very important to me. So I promise even if he gets mad at you, we will be okay TOGETHER.” Do you see how you are parenting yourself here? You are doing for yourself what your mom did not do for you. That’s the process of healing and that is the process of strengthening your relationship with yourself.
Being authentic takes GREAT strength and there is no way anyone can be 100% percent authentic unless they have a strong connection with themselves. Authenticity requires that you are committed and loving to yourself in the face of others rejecting your authenticity. You are a BRIGHT BRIGHT light and this world needs your love and your passion and your intelligence and your expression….your FULL EXPRESSION. The truth is, if your guy cannot support the full expression of you, then he isn’t the right fit for you anyways, right?
Definitely looking forward to hearing your response!
Heidi
Have you ever worked with the concept of “parenting” yourself? If yes, what did you learn about it? How do you do it? If not, then this is how I like to teach it. What happens when we don’t get our needs met as a child, a part of us get stuck at that age and it never “grows up.” That’s why you see adults acting like children (yelling, tantrums, blaming etc.) when they get angry or hurt. That child energy is so strong, that it ends up in the driver’s seat and takes over the emotions. The stories that child carries, the feelings that child carries, the words that child carries take over the situation and can cause an incredible amount of damage. We all will always have wounded child energies in our system, but the goal is to have a STRONGER adult energy that is connected to the truth, that is able to soothe, manage and love that wounded child AND keep it in the back seat and NOT in the driver’s seat of a situation. This is sometimes a daily practice. Basically it’s no different than you parenting your son. When he was younger and throwing a tantrum…you knew it was just a tantrum and you would be his mother, not get wrapped up in the energy but instead work to figure out how to calm him and help him get his needs met. You would go through the list…is he hungry, does he need his diaper changed, does he hurt anywhere etc. It’s that same thing when parenting yourself. Your emotions are up, so your adult connects to that energy and becomes curious. What does she need right now? What kinds of words and stories are coming up for her? Obviously in a moment where you are in a BIG trigger and the emotion is high, this won’t work. I like what you do by removing yourself. But once you are removed, your parent needs to take over and begin to connect to that wounded, hurt, fearful little girls and figure out what she needs first and then begin to give her love and compassion. Since you have a lot of experience with rejection, you need to LOVE LOVE LOVE yourself to make up for that. That part of you NEEDS YOU to love her not reject her. She needs YOUR acceptance, YOUR embrace, YOUR compassion, YOUR connection. That’s how you begin the healing path…and it will never end. It’s a forever thing you will always need to do for yourself. It keeps YOU responsible for meeting your own needs instead of relying on someone else to do it for you.
Here is an exercise you can do. It’s called “Left – Right Handwriting.” Go to an arts and craft store and find the section where there are some crayons, pens, markers etc. and where there is also paper of various kinds. Let your little girl energy come up and ask her to pick whatever she wants to write with and pick the paper she wants to use. Then…when you have some private time, have a conversation with her on paper. Your dominant hand will represent you…the adult. Your non-dominant hand will represent your little girl. Use your dominant hand to write a question like “I noticed you were really upset when…..tell me about that.” Then put the crayon in your non-dominant hand and let her write what she is feeling and let her say whatever comes up. It will be hard and slow to write with your non-dominant hand, but that’s the point. Little kids write like that….slow, all over the place etc. so it will help you tap into feeling like a child when you let her write. The biggest part of this exercise as well is to make sure you DO NOT problem solve. If she has a feeling that you as the adult knows is not true, DO NOT tell her it’s not true. This exercise is about comforting her, loving her, connecting with her and holding a space for her. So if she says “He doesn’t like me” you as the adult will write in response “That must feel awful that he doesn’t like you. I want you to know that I like you. I like you a lot. I like how beautiful your heart is. I like how much you like to love. I like how kind you can be….etc.” Keep having that conversation back and forth and you will be amazed with what comes out the more you practice. AND…each time you do it, you are creating a sacred space to allow her to be seen and heard by you in a safe place.
Developing and strengthening your self love, self compassion, self acceptance will help you navigate those times you are feeling rejected by your guy or anyone else. Rejection is inevitable, but when you have such a strong connection and love for yourself, it doesn’t knock you off your feet and you will be able to recover so much more quickly.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow. There really is a lot going on here and a lot you are trying to learn and manage about yourself, your son and him.
I think at the very core, what’s missing for both of you, is a sense of solidarity. It’s up and down and up and down with emotions, with life, with your son. I’m guessing his attempt at trying to just be friends was his subconscious way of trying to find a way to connect consistently and evenly. He is wanting to build a more solid foundation…a foundation that you both can rely on when things get difficult. But it sounds like things get difficult, in one way or another, quite often. That’s exhausting for both of you! Thank you for sharing all of this and makes a lot of sense.
It’s obvious that you both have quite a strong connection to each other. I love that you were able to identify the “urgency” you were feeling and the pushing you were doing to meet up more often. Did you figure out where that is coming from? What’s the rush? You are afraid of something, so what are you afraid of? Losing him?
Whether it’s your ADHD that is constantly pulling you out of the moment or whether it’s something else, the skill of staying present in the moment, during your coffee, during sex, during each connection with him, will allow the foundation to be built. He will feel you more solid, reliable and more safe emotionally. You want to practice this skill on your own as well. It’s called “mindfulness” and it’s basically developing your ability to stay present in the moment. Everybody needs to develop this skill as it’s incredibly difficult and of course that much more challenging with ADHD. It’s possible though. There are a gazillion teacher, coaches etc. out there that have various ways they teach mindfulness, so explore the topic and see if something resonates for you.
But more than anything, it’s about exploring your fear. The fear you carry, activates your need for control and steals your joy of the present moment. You guys have been through an incredible amount together and it sounds like some of the past is still affecting the present. The truth is, your fears about losing him or him wanting a baby or your fear about being alone…all of those things, you are not able to control. You cannot predict the future so your fear is predicting it for you and causing you to behave in ways to control outcomes. It’s very normal. But if you understand that fear exists about something that is made up…something that hasn’t even happened…something that our mind has created a made up story about…then you are able to correct that story and bring yourself back to the present moment. One of the best ways to deal with fear is to step into it. The truth is, if you lose him, you will be okay. You will cry, you will hurt, you will feel depressed…and yes, all of that is awful, but you are also resilient. You know how to get back up on your feet. You search for new learning, you seek ways to keep moving forward. That part of yourself will figure out a way to rebuild your life even better than before. So when your fear comes up about losing him, acknowledge it, feel it and THEN also tell yourself….”I trust myself. I trust in my resilience. I trust in my ability to heal. I trust in my ability to be resourceful. I will be okay if I lose him.” Then take a deep breathe. Do this hundreds of times! It’s about re-creating the story WITH TRUTH in it. Your fear just loops around and around and around and it doesn’t stop. It’s just builds, so one way to stop it, is to insert the truth in it and calm your system down.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Tammy! Welcome! We are glad you are here sharing your questions with us!
I’d like a little more detail. What was happening that caused him to end it in the first place? Would you agree that he was spending more time with you than with his kids? Did his decision make sense to you? I’m asking this because I’m wondering why he felt he needed to break things off completely vs. just modify his time with you.
This is important to understand, because if he was just using his kids as an excuse to disconnect, probably from a subconscious level, that means it will come up again. IF IF IF his kids were his legitimate excuse to sabotage connection that was becoming more deep than he was comfortable with, that’s a wall you are going to bump against again and again and again with him. It will not matter what you do or don’t do differently, because the issue is not with you…it lives within him. What are your thoughts on this?
When you ask how to kick off this 2nd chance “right” it’s insinuating that maybe you had done something wrong in the first place. Do you have this perspective? Do you feel you were partly the cause of him disconnecting? If yes, how? What do you want to do differently this time around?
Heidi
Hello there! Welcome!
Thank you for sharing all of this. It all sounds very confusing and that you guys can’t make up your minds. I’m unsure how to guide you as I don’t know what is causing the constant breaking up. 7 years is a very long time to have this pattern. The problem is that you guys keep engaging in that pattern instead of working through it and fighting to stay together. If he is the one breaking up every time, it sounds like he is more of a runner vs. stay and fight. Also, after 7 years of being together and still wanting to maintain separate houses because living together freaks him out…that’s also an indication of some commitment issues going on for him. Do you understand where any of this might be stemming from? Did he have a difficult upbringing? Maybe bad experiences with relationships in the past?
I know I am intense and like to drive the relationship. I have to accept to move on or be patient so he can do his masculine energy stuff. Let’s talk about this a little more. What does it mean you are intense? How does that get expressed in your connection? How are you wanting to drive the relationship? Do you have that tendency only with him or is that a pattern in all of your relationships? Do you have an understanding as to where this pattern comes from? Usually, when there is a high need to control the relationship or life in general, it’s coming from a place of fear. What are you afraid of?
What’s happening for you during sex that you tend to drift off in your head and disconnect from him? Is this a typical pattern you have with him or is that something that has happened with other partners as well?
What would you say causes the breakup each time? Are you happy with him? Do you like the relationship and how you guys connect when you are together?
Heidi
Fist thing he asked was how I liked online dating and what my experience on line was. ??? I’m curious what you thing is “stalker-like” about this question. Personally, I think it’s just a question that doesn’t send off any caution flags for me. What you are feeling from this question?
I find it interesting that the zoosk guy gets put into a box of “stalker-ish” by asking for your email, yet the guy you are meeting with this weekend, asked to give you his phone # so you guys could communicate that way. What’s the difference here?
Where are you guys going on Sunday? What do you like about him so far?
Heidi
I love how much you are socializing! All these events sound like fun! There is a lot to look forward to….FINALLY! It’s been so long since you have been able to do stuff like this and feel grounded in your life. This is good medicine for your soul 🙂
Heidi
Communication is so incredibly different. Even someone like me who has practiced and studied it for decades, still gets misunderstood MANY times. The reality is, no matter what you say, every guy that reads it will receive it differently and you have no control over that. It’s just the reality of life and interacting with each other. Add on top of that the potential for romance and you get a TON more junk for people to shift through. Romance is so tough for this very reason. People are operating from past traumas, unresolved hurts, fears, social programming, religious/spiritual dogma, family programming and soooooo much more. All this “stuff” influences how someone hears you, sees you, experiences you and the kind of connection they offer. Online dating, as wonderful as it has been connecting people from around the world, is also incredibly destructive. I always find it fascinating how you take an entity like online dating and watch how it evolves collectively. It’s always an amazing reflection of where the collective consciousness lives. We are struggling quite a bit with how to relate to each other in healthy, respectful and honoring ways. Lots of growing pains, right?
So what are you going to do about your friendship with Deb? Do you feel okay that she ditched you again? Or do you feel you need to shift that connection?
Heidi
