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Hi Jeannette!
Wow! I can definitely see why you are really confused and feeling frustrated that nothing is working. I am wondering if he has been officially diagnosed with NPD or you are saying that because he has those characteristics? I’m guessing the latter because if he is an NPD, he would not have ever gone to see a therapist to get the diagnosis.
Either way, I am wondering how you feel about having “rules” about how you are allowed to be and function in a relationship. Is that how you imagine your ideal relationship to be like? Are you okay being in a relationship where you fight every week about the same thing? With everything you said, it sounds like you don’t feel heard, validated or cared about. I am so sorry! It hurts when those needs don’t get met from the man in your life.
I want to maybe shift your focus a bit. Would you consider that maybe this is not about what you are doing right or wrong? We all do things well and not well in relationships…ALL THE TIME!!! It’s just part of life. It’s more about what happens WHEN we mess up. How do we treat each other? With respect or disregard? With kindness or meanness? With understanding and connection or disconnect and anger? When you ask what you are doing wrong, you are taking responsibility for HIS CHOICES and reactions and how he treats you. Do you really think you have any control over him in that way? A person’s reaction is on them and no one else. How someone chooses to handle their own emotions is their responsibility. What you do need to take ownership of is how you allow yourself to be treated as well as how you respond in your emotional reactions to him. That is all you have control over.
If he is what you say, there is no technique in the world that can change what he is. He is who he is. From the conversation you described above, he is not being kind. He seems like he is only interested in being right vs. wanting to connect with you and your experiences. What is keeping you tied to a man who is not interested in your experience and what you need or want? You are here searching for help and advice. Has he ever made any effort to learn or become a better partner for you? Has he ever asked you, what am I doing wrong and how can I be better?
I would suggest different kinds of reading for you. What if you got a deeper understanding about what it means to be in a relationship with a narcissist? There are a million books out there about this particular topic, as it is a common challenge these days. This will better serve you instead of figuring out how to change or use a technique to make him happy….because if he is a true narcissist, none of that will work anyways.
I would also suggest to maybe learn what IS possible. I love following Dr. John Gottman. He did a 20 year study on couples asking the question, what makes a relationship last? (more than 20 years) And he didn’t look at people who just stayed together, he was interested in couples who lasted 20 or more years and were actually happy! YES! THAT DOES EXIST!! He wanted to know what they were doing to make it last that long. He has incredible research, advice and guidance as to what qualities need to be in a relationship in order for it to be healthy and last a long time. I will share with you that 1 characteristic required is that in the worst moments and challenges, BOTH people treat each other with respect and kindness. If those qualities did not exist between the couple (during arguments, disappointment and challenges), the relationship did not last.
I know I did not offer any particular technique for you, but I hope I at least gave you a different way to look at and deal with your situation.
I wish you the very best! Heidi
Hi Tammy! I am so sorry for what you are going through! I am glad you came here to ask for advice. You may feel fragile, but it also takes great strength to be vulnerable and ask for help…so do not forget you are strong as well!
I am a little confused about some of the information at the end. You said you lost twin. Does that mean you lost a child or twins in childbirth, before they were born or did something horrible happen? (no need to share your personal details to that extent, I am just wanting to understand the basics) And at the end you are saying you nurture a lot because you naturally like to help people? Is that what you meant? I hope I am understanding correctly. If you could clarify, it would help!
Let me just start by saying this is quite the difficult situation to be “friends with benefits” with a man who you really care about and have been in a relationship with before (especially if children were involved). “Friends with benefits” situations can be so tricky. Men and women tend to experience those type of situations quite differently, as in your case. He is okay with being intimate with you every once in awhile and then disconnecting and building his dream life away from you. You, on the other hand, are connecting with him on a much deeper level. He is getting his needs met and you are not. Have you ever sat down with him and had a deeper conversation about what happened in the past? Does he know how you really feel about him?
A healthy relationship is about giving AND receiving. It sounds like you are just giving and not receiving much, because you are afraid to lose him. This is quite the challenge and I am so sorry you are having to face this. Trust in yourself, that no matter how this turns out, you will be okay! You will figure out how to get back up on your feet and keep moving forward!
Being a nurturing person and taking care of people is an absolutely wonderful quality!!! I’m wondering if you are putting yourself on the list to take care of as well….and not at the bottom of the list, but at the top of the list. When you love and take care of yourself first, then you are able to nurture and help others with a full tank of gas vs. running on fumes.
So my first suggestion is to see what you can do to start to take care of yourself more, even when you are with him. Get out a pen and paper and write down some ways that you can nurture yourself and tape it up somewhere where you see it on a daily basis (bathroom mirror maybe?). Practicing nurture on a daily basis is an incredibly powerful and healing practice! I do small things like buying beautiful flowers, watching movies with powerful messages, going for long walks, reading romance novels, coloring in a coloring book, learning a new creative artful skill, dance to my favorite songs, write in my journal, light candles and listen to jazz…and the list goes on. Create your list and aim for at least doing 1 of those things EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!
My second suggestion may be a bit difficult to swallow. Being that you have had a relationship before AND it sounds like there was some trauma and it has not been resolved, maybe it’s time for you to consider setting some boundaries. DO NOT try to compare or be anyone (that girl from grade school he is pursuing) different than who you are! You are worth loving and fighting for just as you are! I’m sorry he is not doing that for you. So if he won’t fight for you, what about you fighting for you? Setting boundaries can empower you. You are meeting his needs, so maybe it’s time you get your needs met. And if he is not willing to meet those needs, the hardest part will be to let him go. The hardest part will be to love yourself so much, that you are not willing to give your heart to a man who is not willing to take SUPER AMAZING CARE of it! If you do decide to set some boundaries and talk with him, I suggest writing down and getting VERY CLEAR about what exactly you NEED (not want) from him. Do you want a committed relationship? Do you want to see him more frequently? Do you want to grow with him? If yes, then how? Make sure you know EXACTLY what you NEED (not want) in order to continue moving forward with him. If he is not willing, then you either disconnect and let him go, or decide you are not quite ready to take that step and continue on his terms. That is completely your choice and only you will know what you are able to do. Whatever you choose, the MOST IMPORTANT part is to love yourself through it. If you stay, keep loving and nurturing yourself anyways! If you disconnect, love and nurture yourself! I think this is the most important part for you!
I really wish there were an easy fix to this. This particular situation sounds like there is some past challenges that are pretty big, so that changes the dynamics about everything. Unless BOTH people are willing to work through those challenges and be honest about it all (with the help of a 3rd person is best), then it may be time to disconnect and allow yourself to heal completely.
I wish you the very best Tammy!
Heidi
Hi Amanda! I can see why you are confused! There seems to be a lot of mixed messages and that is frustrating!
The biggest challenge I have found with online dating is that a connection and attraction can happen without actually meeting in person. I’m glad to hear you feel connected to him, but your feelings are not based in reality. You are emotionally and sexually involved with a person you have never met…which means you are emotionally bonding to the “story” or “fantasy” you have created about him, NOT THE REAL PERSON HE IS.
There is also a reality that many people online are not who they say they are. They present different pictures or a fake profile of some sort or maybe they are actually already in a relationship and looking for “sexting.” Who knows! Anything is possible through technology. The fact that you have been interacting for 8 months and he has not been willing to meet up with you…well, that is a HUGE red flag!
You could go about this 2 different ways, depending on what you are willing to deal with:
1. Change your expectations: Keep sexting and expect nothing more from him than what he offers. Would you be willing to continue dating other people as well so you keep your options open and look for someone who is completely open to getting to know you in person?
2. Refrain from sexting with him and set a boundary. You will not continue sexting until you meet in person. You could always start by saying something to the affect, “I like you and I enjoy our conversations! It’s time to meet in person though. I am not willing to continue until this happens. When would you like to meet up?” This option is asking him to finally decide. Either move forward by meeting in person, or disconnect and stop using you. It will show his true intentions, which I imagine you really want to know anyways.
Your heart is so valuable! You are giving him your emotions, your connection, your time, your heart….that’s worth a million bucks! Maybe it’s time for you to require more from him if you are going to keep this going.
Good luck! I would love to hear about what happens!
