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Kanya! I LOVED this! I have never heard it broken down in this fashion and how she explains it, just makes it so much more clear. She is a great speaker! Thank you so much for sharing!
Heidi
Hi Riyo,
I see you are still seeking some guidance about how to interact with him on your graduation. I first want to say congratulations! You are accomplishing something so difficult and I hope you spend that day really appreciating and valuing all the work you have done to get there. I hope you don’t make that entire day about the guy. It is YOUR day and one to truly be celebrated!!! I understand you want him there and want to be desirable to him and celebrated by him. I don’t blame you. I just want to encourage you to not rely entirely on him or your interactions in order to truly honor what you have accomplished. This is YOUR day, not his.
In your other posts, I really appreciated your honesty and true acknowledgement about your struggles. I want to emphasize again, no matter what happens with this guy, I encourage you to continue building your inner strength. If you get back together, STILL WORK ON BUILDING your self esteem and stop relying 100% on him to make you feel better. He is unpredictable and unstable and that means, even if you do get back together, there will be times where he is not there for you and vise versa. So building your inner strength will help you handle those moments in a much healthier way. Again, I think the work of Brene Brown can really help you! http://www.brenebrown.com
When you see him, what I encourage you most to do is to behave in a way that makes you feel like you are respecting yourself, therefore requiring him to respect you. If you view your heart as this beautiful, rare and delicate piece of jewelry, who would you hand it over to? Just anyone? The challenge here is, you don’t view yourself that way, therefore no one else will view you that way either. If you view yourself as valuable and REQUIRE that anyone who comes into your space, better take AMAZING care of that rare and beautiful piece of jewelry, that commands respect and care.
If you show up “needy” and chasing after him, despite the fact he has another girlfriend…it would make him feel he can do whatever he wants and he still will get to have you. Would you respect yourself allowing him to walk all over you like that? If you show up with strength, having boundaries, letting him know he has to work harder if he wants to be with you….it can inspire him to respect you more, therefore want to work harder for you.
You said in the other post that you know you need to build inner strength. This is a wonderful time to do this. This is not about saying or being a certain way that will get him back. This is about you being the inner strength you desire and showing him how to treat you! If don’t care for yourself, who will? You are wanting him to take care of you, when you won’t take care of you. You are wanting him to do for you, what you won’t do for yourself.
You can do this Riyo! Give it some time. Start working on your inner strength and you will be completely surprised how that changes everything for you!
Heidi
Hi Katherine!
Wow! Well done! NOW you sound very clear! You have acknowledged and taken ownership about how you personally have affected the situation and to me, that is the most important aspect. Once you take ownership of your own contributions instead of always looking at what the other person is doing, THAT mindset makes you an incredible partner to go through life with!
From what you said, it sounds like he is not going to say something he is not ready to say. So by the time he does say something, you know it will be authentic. Feel free to continue to express yourself and be yourself, but whatever you do say, say it just for yourself WITHOUT the need to hear it in return. He also sounds like the kind of person who may express his feelings more through action vs. words. Have you ever read the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman? http://www.5lovelanguages.com I found it extremely helpful to really look at the different ways people express what they are feeling. It can help you identify his type of language compared to yours. You will see soooo much more about he feels because you will understand his love language better. Does this make sense?
Thank you so much for sharing with us here! I wish you the best on your continued journey and that you find that incredible connection with a man who respects you and inspires you to be more and better each day! ENJOY HIM!
Heidi
Hi Katherine!
It’s so funny how easy those conversations can be or completely awkward. It definitely did not go the way you were intending! That has happened to me many times where I say or do something and the guy ends up having a reaction to it, because of his own past and perceptions about whatever I said or did. It’s a totally normal thing in relationship, the question is more about, can you work through it together?
He seems to be sending some mixed messages by reaching out but also not really connecting with you as much as before. I can see why you are confused. Maybe what is important to really look at is how you guys communicate together. Poor or dysfunctional communication is always in the top 3 reasons for divorce, so when starting out with someone new, it’s a very important aspect to watch and be aware of.
It sounds like he may not be the best at communicating. It does not sound like you feel completely emotionally safe with this guy. How you are explaining your conversations, you describe him as “fishing” therefore you don’t entirely trust his intentions….as well as you “fishing” which also means you don’t feel entirely safe to just be yourself and say what you want to say.
Let me mirror back what you are saying about him so far….you do not feel like you are on the same page, you already expressed how you felt and he had quite a strange reaction to it and would rather kiss you than talk to you about it, his connection changed after that conversation and you feel like he is more “fishing” as opposed to being authentic about what he wants to create with you….and you had a strong connection at some point, but it seems to be waning.
Let me ask you something to help you be a bit more objective….if you were to take away all the connection and attraction and look at what is left between the both of you, do YOU feel there is potential? Meaning…a relationship cannot last on attraction and connection alone…a solid foundation needs to be built for it stand on. Of course each couple’s foundation is going to be different than others, so this is where I am asking you if you feel that the foundation that has been laid already is the type of foundation you want to build on? Do you feel he is likeminded enough in how you approach life, challenges, communication, trust, honesty, friendship? Do you feel you can be completely yourself with him and he can be himself with you?
I am only offering this kind of advice to you, because I am not entirely convinced from what you said, that you are sure about this guy. My intention is also to bring this choice back to YOU vs. putting all the power in his hands as to whether he really likes you or not. How YOU feel is important too. Once you get clear about whether you feel this is worth fighting for or not, THEN you can have a clearer path as to how you want to proceed.
We would love to hear your thoughts! Hope to hear back soon!
Heidi
Hi Maria!
Thank you so much for sharing! Empty nesting is tough!!! I remember my first time going away to college and as excited and happy as I was, I had a TERRIBLE time saying goodbye to my mother. Obviously the kid’s experience it different than the parent who feels it a million times more! I am so glad you have your faith to help you feel more peace and acceptance for this time in your life. Your life is changing forever now. You have more grown up kids now and your role as a mother changes. That is so hard! Good job for making sure you get your needs met!
Okay, onto Wesley: Whether he is guarded or confused, it sounds like he is not giving you as much as what you desire right now. Have you ever tried to talk to him about that before? If you just pull away and become less available and never have a conversation as to why, I imagine he might interpret your actions differently than what you mean and it may cause him to want to pull back.
What is stopping you from talking to him face to face? I understand he likes succinct and to the point, but what do you like? A couple needs to adapt and work through different communication styles all the time. Don’t you think it’s important to see how you both handle communicating with each other face to face? If you guys are not able to handle a conversation of this nature very well, then maybe you would want to know that sooner than later.
Let’s talk about your letter. To be honest, it came across more like you were breaking up with him. Just reading it through first time, I would have to say it didn’t quite communicate what you are telling me you feel about him.
The concept Jame’s teaches a lot about is to appreciate and value a man. Give specific examples! Here is another possible way you could say how you feel: (I obviously made up stuff, so of course you use your own details)
“Wesley…you have shown up in my life and I am having feelings for you that I wasn’t quite expecting…and it feels wonderful. You make me laugh, I get butterflies when I see you, I feel like I can be myself with you. I know I have pulled back the past few months and to be honest, I did that because I am scared. I am wanting a little more out our relationship than something casual and I am not sure if that is something that would interest you. My desire is growing stronger for you so that means I am wanting more time with you. More phone conversations or maybe an extra date night? I am not saying let’s jump into something super serious. I just have reached a point where I need to know if you feel like we have potential or not to grow deeper together.”
Your letter came across that you are not happy and not getting your needs met, so you are pulling away and “maybe” you can re-connect when you get through this phase. What I said above is saying a lot of your needs are being met so much so, that you want more! It will leave him feeling like he is doing everything right instead of everything wrong. Because I imagine he has no idea how you really feel, so as far as he is concerned, all is good with you guys!
Once you open the conversation with telling him how amazing he is, he gets to feel like the hero and feel much more open and willing to talk about your needs and his.
Does this make sense?
Hopefully this helps!
Heidi
Hi Maria! This is such a great question! I first am interested in how you feel there
is a difference between being “guarded” and “emotionally unavailable.” Also, do you have any insight that make him behave in this way? Do you feel it coming from a place of fear for him?Here is a general rule of thumb. If there is anything of a serious or deep nature, I ALWAYS prefer to talk in person first, phone second, email third and text last. Anytime you communicate feelings over technology, there is a VERY HIGH risk of misinterpretation. So talking in person is the best since you both can use all of your senses to connect and express what needs to be said. Phone is still not the most favorable since you cannot see their face.
Would you like suggestions about how to present something of this nature, or do you feel pretty good about what you would like to say?
Thanks for writing in!
Heidi
Hi Minh!
Ha! That’s a valid phobia for sure. It’s quite the risk to lay your heart out there not knowing how someone will respond to it. I don’t know anyone who isn’t afraid of that on some level. Obviously yours is a pretty big fear that is running your life. This is the part where I would invite you to face that fear. There has never been 1 single fear in my life, from GIGANTIC to little, that I was not able to master. Fear is a very normal part of life. The only difference between you, me or the person next door, is what we do with the fear when it decides to pay us a visit. You basically have 2 choices: 1. Face it 2. Let it run your life. “courage is not the absence of fear, but the strength to do what is right in the face of it.”
Here are a couple of fun things to understand about fear:
1. Fear cannot exist unless we are choosing to believe in lies
2. F.E.A.R. = False Evidence Appearing Real
3. The ONLY way for YOU (the intelligent adult who is connected to truth) to sit in the driver’s seat instead of the fear, is for you to face it and deal with it.So here are some questions for you:
1. What are you afraid will happen if you tell him your feelings?
2. Let’s say the very worst you imagine, does happen…what do you think will happen next?
3. And if the worst were to happen, do you believe you do not have the ability to get through it?Here is the wonderful thing about facing fear. You learn the skill of how to be resilient. I have faced so many fears in my life and the beauty in all of it, is that I have an incredible trust in myself. I would not trade that for the world because today, I so strongly believe in myself, I know that no matter what happens, I will figure out how to get back up again and heal. To me…that is priceless and I have “fear” to thank for helping me find that strength!
Your fear is so big because you do not trust yourself that you will be okay, no matter what happens. Facing fear can end up being entirely painless or it can also create an incredible amount of pain…and that is what you are afraid of…the potential of pain. Listen…that is VERY normal. I sure don’t blame you for avoiding that. But the thing is, you are already in pain. So if you don’t face your fear, you will just keep hurting more and more. To bond with a man to the level you are doing, not knowing if there is any romantic potential…well you are not protecting your heart very well. Reality is, something at some point will break. You cannot keep bonding to this level and have it stay the same. You will eventually have to face it and it won’t end up being on your terms unless you create it to be that way.
So…wouldn’t you rather take control of the situation now? DECIDE to face your fear and get the information you need. Make the choice to love yourself so much so, that you are willing to face your fear. Your heart is at risk here. If you do not value it enough to protect it and care for it in the way you deserve, you are just leaving it open for the taking. He needs to EARN THE RIGHT to have your heart!!! And that means, stop bonding and getting closer without being on the same page.
Here is something I will repeatedly say to myself as I am facing a fear. And when I say repeatedly, I mean ALL DAY EVERY DAY.
“It’s okay to be okay to be me and be more than this fear, and be happy be free and be at peace.” I also take my right hand and place it over my heart area as I am saying it.
The idea is, whenever fear comes up, if you keep looping in in your mind that scary story over and over…that fuels the fire, and you don’t have anything counteracting that scary story….then you have no power over the fear. So it’s times to start telling yourself a new story. A TRUE STORY! The story that you are more than your fear, you are more than the pain…you are also strong and resilient and you will be okay!!
And you know what Minh…you will only know this once it’s happened, but when you end up facing your fear and getting through that moment, no matter what happens, YOU DID IT! You faced something INCREDIBLY difficult and there is a wonderful feeling and gift that comes from that. I hope you will get to feel that soon!
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired and success achieved.” Helen Keller
You can do this Minh!
Heidi
oops! looks like the video didn’t get inserted….try this: https://youtu.be/rfQnXNo_TIs
Hi Riyo!
Thank you for explaining further. There is a belief or thought you are having that I would like to talk to you about first.
Saying that you are the one that pushed him to the other girl, is actually not true. HE made that choice all by himself. I’m sure there are things you have done that may have upset him or made him feel like he was not getting his needs met. However….HE decided to find another girl instead of work through it with you. What happens when you don’t make him happy again? Is it okay if he finds another girl again? Will you be okay with that?
The reality about relationships is that we all have areas of ourselves that are challenging to deal with. You have areas AND he has areas too. The goal is to find someone who is able to accept our less pretty sides and work through it WITH us…and that means that there is communication and honesty with each other. You spend time figuring out TOGETHER how to deal with the rough spots. When a person decides to cheat, they are not working through anything with their partner. They are hiding from their partner and making a decision that is very unkind and hurtful.
You say he is a gentleman and very sweet. I have no doubt that he is! AND he also lied to you and cheated on you. Do not forget that he has a side to himself that is not nice as well. Make sure you keep perspective about the WHOLE person that he is, not just the good parts.
I am still a bit confused. You want him back, but it sounds like he is asking to be back with you but you are holding back your heart. If you want to be back with him, then I imagine if you just say yes, he will be interested in that. Maybe you can sit down and have a very honest conversation with him about what YOU need as well.
Lastly, I want to address your last statement saying you need to “build your personality to better fit with his kindheartedness.” Riyo, you are lovable and worth being with, JUST AS YOU ARE! It sounds like you don’t believe that about yourself. You are wanting to change so he doesn’t look at other women…he only looks at you. If you don’t love yourself and believe that you are the greatest most amazing woman, then how can you expect him to see that about you if you don’t that about you? If you feel like you are bad, a poor girlfriend, not good enough or anything that is negative, then that is how he will see you too. So if you want to change yourself, then work towards loving yourself. One of my favorite people to follow is Brene Brown. She is a researcher and has some incredible things to say about love and relationships. Her website is http://www.brenebrown.com Here is a video to get you started.
Again, we all have challenges that we can work on so we can improve how we interact with people. Anything you feel you need to get better at, work on it because you want to DO IT FOR YOURSELF….not for anyone else. What about him recognizing that he is cheating AND he is trying to get back with you WHILE HE IS STILL WITH THE OTHER GIRL! He is cheating on her too. He doesn’t sound like someone who is very good at communicating and choosing to work through challenges with just one person. He is being very unkind to both of you. I understand you want to be better, but he has to want to be better too. BOTH of you have some things to work on. If you are the only one trying to be better and he is not working to be better as well, your relationship will continue to grow more and more difficulty.
I wish love was enough to make any relationship work, but it isn’t. Relationships work because 2 people are interested in fighting for each other, communicating, learning and growing together. Do you feel like this is the kind of relationship you could have with him?
I hope this helps Riyo. Keep us updated and let us know more thoughts you have!
Heidi
Hi Riyo! I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. When you find out you are being lied to and fooled by the man you love….well it’s like a major punch to the stomach and you can’t breathe. I’m glad to know that you reached out and started learning more about relationships and that the information James teach was able to help you more! That is great news!
I just have a few questions.
1. What did you end up saying to him that made him want you back?
2. You are saying that you want him back even though he is still with that other girl?
3. I am not sure I completely understand what you are wanting help with. Can you explain it in a different way? You said you love him so much and you need him back to “raise” your relationship. But you also said he wants to get back together with you. Can you offer a bit more detail? I feel like we could help you better if you explained more about exactly what you need help with.Thank you Riyo! (I love your name by the way!)
Heidi
Hi Svetlana! You sound very grounded, peaceful and resolved. That is a wonderful place to be, especially coming from feeling like everything was up in the air. I’m so glad you found your resolution!
Best of luck to you!!!
Hi Minh! This is so interesting to me because I was surrounded by boys growing up. I was always “one of the guys” and could easily fit in with any conversation about anything. From my perspective, I do not think it is possible to be just friends with a man when you are having such frequent interactions and sharing very personal information. It’s one thing to meet up once a week and share the personal info, but you guys are having contact every single day and spending hours and hours together. That crosses the line into more romantic behavior.
You ask, what is he doing?? My educated guess is that he is pretty split. Meaning…he has 1 part of himself who wants a wife and children and then he has another part of himself who is having the time of his life with you. I’m sure those 2 sides are battling in his head all the time, just like they are with you. He obviously is letting that side of him who loves being around you, sit in the driver’s seat. And that part of him, for right now, is VERY VERY strong.
I am wondering what is stopping you from having an honest conversation with him, like what Kanya and Svetlana previously suggested. Kanya made a very good point in asking you “can you maintain this level of connection and still be friends?” I know it would hurt badly to lose what has been started. It sounds so wonderful!!! That kind of connection is extremely hard to come by, so when it does happen, man…it can turn your world upside down!!! And in a good way! The danger is you have your split – the part of you that has romantic feelings for him and wanting to keep this connection going and the other part of you that knows this is a slippery slope you are on and nagging at you to disconnect because there are some non-negotiables here.
No matter what he is doing, thinking or feeling, YOU have to decide how to best keep perspective. This is YOUR heart. Who else is going to take care of it, if you don’t? If you are honest with him, then you both get to figure out how to be on the same page, view things from the same perspective and move forward with the design of your relationship together vs. constantly playing this guessing game about what he is doing. Why not just ask him?
I know there is a risk of things changing once you have that open conversation, but if it isn’t that risk, it’s another risk by continuing to bond deeply with a guy who may not be available. I personally like to know sooner than later when it comes to matters of the heart. It is such a precious and valuable part of who we are and it’s important to know that whomever we hand it to, they are able to and interested in taking good care of it in the way that is needed.
Good luck Minh! Very good questions!
Heidi
Hi Modupe! I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this. Of course each situation is completely different and there would be reasons to compromise and sometimes compromise can be very damaging. How the article came across to me was that it is trying to convey not “losing yourself” when in a relationship. Of course there are moments where compromise is needed, but when you are the one compromising a yourself all the time, the potential for being unhappy down the road is pretty high. Isn’t the goal with any relationship, to ADD to each other instead of take away?
Please keep sharing! This is a great topic!
Hi Nicole! What a GREAT question!!! You are on the right track for sure. There is nothing wrong with “mothering” him in the way you are doing it. The kind of mothering that is unhealthy, is when you start to tell him how to be or what to do. That is pestering, nagging and coming across as if you know what’s good for him.
All you are doing is making gestures and letting him know you are still thinking about him, you are okay if he is distracted right now AND you are going to support him through this in whatever way you can.
So this is a great time to ask him, “I know this project is really big. I know I won’t get to see you as much, but that’s okay. Is there anything I can do to help? Can I maybe bring dinner for you one night? How about a foot rub at the end of your day?”
Many men don’t even really connect to what they want, so just asking him will help get his mind thinking about how he can get through this WITH you. If he doesn’t know how you can best support him, then I would continue your concept. Offer small gestures to let him know you are thinking about him and you are still connected even though he is focused right now. You can leave little notes in his wallet, chocolates are great, find out what his favorite snacks are, send him a video of you encouraging him so when it’s 9 at night, he can play it and get a little dose of you.
I don’t know the quality of your relationship or how you guys interact, so you have judge what feels comfortable for you. I mainly want to encourage you to keep your mindset. Keep making simple gestures that will bring a smile to his face every day.
Have fun with this!!! It’s your time to shine and be his support!
Heidi
Hi Viv! I am sooo sorry for what you are going through! It is extremely challenging and painful to care for someone deeply and not have it returned in the same way. You are doing a GREAT job controlling your emotional responses to him. It’s a great thing to feel what you feel, say what you want to say and get a lot of the hurt and frustration out BEFORE you talk to him….so kudos to you!!! Good job! Keep going about it that way. Get all the intensity out so when you talk to him, you are more centered and kind as I’m sure you would wish the same from him.
First, I want to mention that texting is a slippery slope when it comes to communicating feelings or anything of a serious nature. Texts can be interpreted in so many different ways, so BEFORE you get upset about anything he says to you, make sure you ask for clarification. I usually say something like, “hey, what you said seemed … (defensive, sarcastic, smart ass, rude etc.) Am I reading this right? Is that how you meant to come across? You never know in texts, so I thought I would check.” I ALWAYS suggest for those types of conversations to happen over the phone first, but it doesn’t sound like that is always possible for you guys. So, once you know that both of you are on the same page, the topic can be resolved.
There are a few ways you could approach this situation, but I am going to guide you towards being authentic and here is why. If you feel this man is relationship material, honesty with your feelings is important. First, because he will get to see you be honest with him no matter how uncomfortable it is (which builds his trust in you) AND second, you get to see and watch how he handles your honesty (which builds your trust with him – it’s crucial to feel emotionally safe with someone…without that, a relationship cannot thrive)
Being honest also means that there is closure. You are having some intense feelings because you do not exactly know where you stand with him. Yes, he is saying he is not interested in more than a friendship. Then he used the word “love” AND you guys talk every single day. That is a lot of connection going on that many would reserve only for a more intimate relationship. So I can see why you are a bit confused. He may not realize what he is doing and that is where an honest conversation can be good for you guys.
Lastly, I wish there were some type of formula to make someone return our feelings. Anything is possible, but it is not possible by “making” someone do anything. Wouldn’t it be amazing that the next man who falls in love with you, does so because he loves the person you are? It’s an effortless thing for him to be crazy about you! He is inspired by you and wants to be around you, because he just loves being around you! You don’t have to DO or MAKE him feel those ways…I imagine this is what you truly want to feel from your guy.
You can say something to this effect: “Hey xyz….Yes…I do have romantic feelings for you. I have really enjoyed our daily connection and friendship we have developed over this last year. This doesn’t mean I want to hop into a relationship with you…it just means I was looking forward to getting to know you in person and seeing where it went from there. I am open to the possibilities. So it hurt when you closed the door and put me in the friend category.” That’s a good place to start….who knows where the conversation will go, but at least you both will be on the same page and can work from there.
If he still is only interested in friendship, I would suggest to disconnect for awhile so you can heal and close your heart off to idea of him. Otherwise, your feelings will keep getting fed (and hurt) the more you connect. I have had to do that before and as horribly hard as it is, I am always thankful down the road that I protected my heart from a man who was not interested. It’s not to say you cannot be friends in the future, it just means taking time away for a bit.
Of course there are other ways to approach this situation, as you outlined above. I am a HUGE fan of authenticity, even if it means I get rejected, but that is my own personal spirit and how I coach people. I feel there is great strength in being able to be who you really are with someone. He sounds like he is really wanting honest from you, so the more authentic you are, the more respect he will have for you.
Good luck!!! Heidi
