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Hi Shelby! You definitely have a lot going on here and a lot of different feelings that you are having. I feel your confusion!!!
It feels like the main challenge you have is that you are split. One part of you really wants to make this work and another part of you is beyond frustrated and wants to get away. So which side wins?
I first want to invite you to think about a few things. You have been single for a very long time. Any man who comes into your life is going to shake things up for you. You are used to feeling and being exactly as you are without having to consider someone else’s needs, feelings and opinions. Transitioning from being single for 20 years to being in relationship is going to be difficult on a lot of levels.
Second, I want to invite you to see the possibility of the gift he offers you. He does not think or feel the same as you and therefore challenges your perceptions and experiences. You are a gift to him as well. Whenever a different perspective shows up in our lives, it’s always an opportunity to consider that maybe how we are feeling is limited. Can your beliefs be expanded? Can your beliefs be shifted? It is also helpful to really look at where your beliefs are coming from. Do they come from what you were taught or do they come from experience, study, research and opinions that come from several different perspectives and truths? My point being…you want him to agree with you and he wants you to agree with him. You both are more attached to being RIGHT vs. being attached to the beauty in all the different perspectives that exist on this earth. If I were to sit you both down at a table, sitting across from each other… and then put a tall vase, filled with flowers right in the middle and asked you both to right down EXACTLY what you saw….although you are both explaining the same exact thing, you will have 2 different perspectives that are BOTH accurate. So whenever someone has a different opinion than you, a great mindset to have is what I call the 2C’s. Curiosity and Connection. When you are curious about someone’s viewpoint, you foster connection. You put your need to be right in the very, very back of your mind and you make the priority about connection and curiosity with the person you are talking with. As long as you keep this mindset the priority, your odds of having an argument are pretty slim.
Lastly….being that your life is your design, you have some choices to make. It sounds like he is creating a lot of challenge and chaos in your life that you are not interested in dealing with….yet you are dealing with it. Here is the bottom line. How you both function with each other is very hard. The constant arguing is not healthy for either of you. So you have 2 choices. Either do what you can to fix it or decide it’s not worth the energy and disconnect.
If you want to work on fixing it, then I suggest to start with what I said above about approaching his differing opinions with a different mindset. Also….what IS GOOD about you guys? You must have something working well between you guys that would make you want to fight for it on some level…or you would not be writing in. Communicate what you LIKE about him. Tell him how he is making your life better. Tell him what you appreciate about him. In the end, you may find everything is shifting and growing….either way you are continuing to walk forward and breaking a cycle that does not work. Who knows if the new approach will change anything…it’s more about trying something different and seeing if it helps.
If you decide not to continue this…I suggest you just cut all ties. I don’t fully understand what is happening with this cruise that is planned, but when you break from someone, especially someone that is challenging, it’s always best to do a clean break….and that may mean losing your money. Let it go and be done with this chaos. Forgive him for not being the kind of man you wanted him to be and forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met and losing the money. Let the feelings of everything go so you don’t have any remaining resentment held inside….resentment is VERY TOXIC!!! You can create other experiences. You do not have to go sailing. It sounds like between his depression, his lack of connection and interest…it just would be complete rejection and challenge if you go. Maybe it is best for you to back out so you both can finally just be peaceful.
So your goal here is to get VERY CLEAR about what you want. Do you want to fight for this and work on improving your reactions, appreciating him more and bringing a lot more positive energy to the relationship? Or is the idea of doing all of that (considering he is depressed, challenging, not affectionate and connective) just not worth it??? What do you want?? Once you decide, then you have a direction and can make steps towards making it happen.
Keep us updated Shelby!
Heidi
Hi SW!
I am so glad to hear you are finding more clarity!!! This is WONDERFUL!! It sounds like you are ready for something to shift.
Let’s talk about a few things here.
1. He is living in fantasy land if he thinks he can bond with you, say I love you and treat you like a girlfriend, yet just because he is not technically “committed” that means he is not committed. I wonder what would happen if you started dating other guys. I wonder what would happen if you took a step back and really started living in a way where there is no “commitment.” I am willing to bet he would be hurt and devastated. It’s impossible to truly bond with someone, tell them you love them and continue to behave “as if” you were committed…..and not be emotionally committed. He is fooling himself and you are playing into that story as well. I also imagine that if he started dating other ladies, it would crush your heart. So reality is….you guys are living as if you are committed already! This is why I want to re-iterate that it’s time for him to either say the words or back out.
What I find interesting is how much you have lessened the power of words in order to survive in this relationship. If you lessen the power of words and put more value in the action, then you are able to stay and justify him. YET….words are more powerful to HIM….more than actions. He is so terrified of saying those words to you (I love you, I want to just be with you, I want to grow with you and no one else), yet he is not afraid to show how he feels. So words are more powerful to him than his actions. My point being….he is terrified of the words because in HIS mind, they hold an incredible amount of power….so you diminish their value in order to stay with him. My point being….words are powerful….powerful enough that your guy is afraid of them!
It makes me so sad that you feel you have to work so hard to get him to even say I love you….after all of this time. I am going to validate that THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB to make him feel safe inside himself. This is a journey he must take. He needs to face his fear. Reality is, he will not face it until he is in enough pain. You have set up a perfect scenario for him to never have to face that fear. He gets to have ALL of you….you are patient, caring, connective and compassionate with him. Why would he need to do anything different??? He is getting everything he wants. He gets to stay split and let that fear control him because there are no consequences. All the while….you are continually being hurt and putting an INCREDIBLE amount of energy into something that he should be doing for himself. You are taking on the role of being a “mother” so to speak. You are doing everything you can to help him feel more safe. To tell him, “it’s okay to say I love you. I promise I won’t bite.” Goodness!!! That’s exhausting!!! The fear is definitely a child like aspect of him that is controlling his life and he found the perfect mom for him. A mom that will just leave him alone and comfort him when he gets uncomfortable.
I’d like to give you a different perspective about trust. A healthy foundation of trust is about trust in yourself FIRST. Let’s use your guy for an example. If he were to have trust in himself, then this would be how he would handle his fear. “I am afraid AND I trust myself that no matter how this turns out, I will be okay. I know I will get past any hurt or challenge should it show up. I am strong enough to handle whatever shows up.” Instead….he has NO trust in himself and has his foot out the door at all times. What he is saying is this, “I am NOT strong enough and I do not want to get hurt, so I am going to always have 1 foot out the door so she can’t hurt me. Because I don’t believe I will be able to handle it. I never want to get hurt again.” Problem is….that’s not reality. Reality is, he would get soooo hurt if you decided to disconnect. He thinks that one foot out the door makes the pain less, but it doesn’t. It’s an illusion he is living in.
And I want to say the same to you….the moment you say “I think leaving him would be too devastating” is the moment you betray yourself. You are essentially saying, “I would rather stay in a relationship with a guy who is terrified to commit and tells me he loves me, than be alone. I would rather hurt on a daily basis. I would rather take care of him, instead of me….because I don’t want to feel the hurt of separation and I don’t believe I will be able to get through it.” I understand it would be devastating, but just as fear is preventing him from committing, fear is preventing you from fighting for something more in your life…whether it’s with him or someone else. So you BOTH have fear at the center, controlling your choices and creating the design that shows up. And I don’t blame either of you. Fear is VERY powerful. Facing it is not easy. AND….there is nothing that can create greater strength and trust inside YOURSELF than when you decide to face it and find out you are okay. Facing all of my fears has created an internal strength inside my spirit that allows me to risk, connect and love on an incredibly deep level. I have earned that though. Had I not faced all my fears, I would not get to feel what I feel today.
So you have choice to make. Do you want to keep playing the mom role for him…taking care of him, being the leader, making him as cozy as possible so he doesn’t leave or face his fears….or are you going to decide that is not the kind of relationship you are interested in and you create a different design…either with him or without him??
This is soooo tough!!! I wish there were an easy way out of this! What I can tell you is that there are a lot of gents out there who would tell you, show you and shower you with BOTH actions and words about how they feel towards you. They will be more than willing to go to the depths of love with you and explore what that feels like….BOTH FEET IN!!!! So…if that is what you want, then create it.
I hope it is with him and he decides facing his fear is worth keeping you.
Heidi
Hi Duygu I,
Thank you for writing in! This is definitely a challenging situation!
I just have a few questions and will offer general ideas until I get more specifics.
1. Is there a time at which both of you will be able to be in the same space for extended periods of time?
2. I am wondering what is so special with this guy that you are willing to develop a relationship where you see him very occasionally.
3. How long has this relationship been going on?
4. Do you guys ever talk on the phone or only text?
5. Why did you break up with him in the first place?It sounds like he really kept in great contact during all of his travels. That is wonderful! The challenge is, it is very hard to really get to know someone through texting. It takes quite a bit of time to see how you both interact together (in person) in all different kinds of situations, in order to know if you both are a good fit for each other. I hope you both will be able to create more of those experiences.
I do want to address your reaction towards him. It sounds like you understand that your emotional reaction towards him was not handled in the best way. Did you text him all of this or talk to him? Have you apologized at all? If you have this pattern of not being able to control your emotions and handle your hurts with grace and good communication, I would recommend that’s where you start learning about yourself and learning the skills of how to communicate hurt feelings in a healthy way. You can apologize and feel bad all you want for pushing away your guy, but it will not mean anything unless you take some action so it does not happen again. Care about him enough to not put him through this. Care about yourself enough to feel good after saying how you feel in a healthy way vs. pointing fingers and blaming.
One of my favorite techniques is to say, “when you do __________, I end up feeling like ________________” Help teach him how to be a better partner for you. He cannot know how to be better unless you teach him what works well for you and what does not work well for you. Instead of pointing the finger, get curious about him and learn why he did what he did. He forgot your birthday and that hurt you. Do you know why he forgot? Did you talk to him about this? This has happened to me before and I just simply said to him, “It hurt that you didn’t remember my birthday (I then asked him what happened). I will forgive you and if you would like to make it up to me, I would still be open to a birthday celebration with you if you would like to plan it.” No fight….just hurt feelings and him apologizing like crazy. He felt bad enough as it was, so I did not need to make him feel worse.
My point is, your goal when communicating your hurt feelings, boundaries or needs, is to keep the situation calm and help the other person NOT put their walls up and defenses up. You want the person to stay open and connected with you. HOW you say something can make a big impact as to their response. It is a lifelong skill that is crucial to keeping a relationship healthy. Dr. John Gottman did the largest study (20 years) on what made couples last and actually be happy. There were 4 ESSENTIAL qualities he found that were crucial to this….one of those qualities was “treating each other with respect, even in the hardest, most difficult moments.” If this is something you want to experience, then you have to be able to be kind and respectful, even when you are deeply hurt or angry. Check out his website! https://www.gottman.com/blog
Also…here is another short little video clip talking about blaming. This is fabulous! We are all familiar with this particular topic, so I loved how it was taught…quite funny! https://youtu.be/RZWf2_2L2v8
Looking forward to more details!!!!
Hi Minh! So much has changed!
I want to support what Kanya is saying about the possibility that you are only attracted to the exciting, unknown, challenging aspect of a dating / relationship. I used to have about a 2 week tolerance to hang with a “nice” guy. I was all about the bad boys that played the games. The nice guy was “boring” and “unstimulating” and basically too easy. I didn’t have respect for that kind of guy. After a lot of healing work, I really connected into the source of why I felt that way. It was amazing that as I healed those wounded parts of myself, what I was attracted to completely changed!!! Today, I totally crave and invite being treated extremely well and I LOVE the nice guys!! The more drama and challenge, my stomach will get tied up in knots and I will instantly create space and disconnect. No more drama and challenge and unhealthy excitement.
My point in sharing this, is just like what Kanya mentioned, it really could be that you guys are not the best match OR there really could be some beliefs and old wounds that are influencing your desire to connect but then disconnect. From what you said about this being a pattern of yours, my inclination is that you are sabotaging (subconsciously) and preventing a man from really being able to see the full depth of who you are….sabotaging intimacy….sabotaging deep connection. Do you feel this is possible?
Thank you for keeping us updated!
Heidi
Hi again! I want to add a little something to what I wrote yesterday. I possibly came off quite strong. I had written to you just after returning home from seeing the Wonder Woman movie…lol. So my warrior maiden spirit was quite alive!
I still would take the same approach but I wanted to add a way to say it. What if you had a conversation something like this…
“I care about you deeply. I love you. I feel so well treated, taken care of and cared for by you and it’s wonderful! I love being with you and I am very clear that I would like to continue growing with you. We keep having this conversation about how we are not compatible and we do not have any long term potential. I disagree, but it is not my place to convince you of that. What I hope for is that you will feel the same as I do and are inspired to want to keep me in your life. What I am needing is some clarity and to be on the same page as you. If you truly feel we do not have potential, then I need to really think about that and consider what this does to my heart. If you feel we do have potential, then how about we stop talking about everything that is wrong. If there really is something that needs to be changed or resolved, then let’s work on making specific plans to resolve it instead of continually talking about it. If you are not sure how you feel, take some time to think about it. I will give you a week. If, by the end of the week, you do not have a clear vision of the direction you want to head with me, then I need to make my own decision. How do you feel about this?”
This way, you are telling him everything he is doing right with you and kindly asking him to make a decision and stop being split between his actions and words. Hopefully this helps you feel a bit more comfortable confronting a challenging topic with him….if you choose this approach.
Good luck and keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi SW! This is quite the unusual situation you are in and you are asking a lot of wonderful and very valid questions. I want to re-iterate what Kanya said. He has some type of “block” preventing him from being able to SAY the words with how he feels.
I would guess there are 2 scenarios that could be happening here:
1. I call this a split. One part of him feels one way (not safe to fall in love) and another part of him feels a different way (love and connection feels so good!)….and depending on who is in charge at the moment, is who you end up interacting with. No different than someone saying they want to lose weight so they learn about nutrition, they exercise AND they have a piece of pie every day that they wash down with a soda. One part WANTS to lose weight and another part does not. Usually there is some type of trauma or disruption in their past that causes this. Either way….what I want to say about this, is that it does not really matter what his story is… he is split, therefor you do not have ALL of him. He is not integrated and united in his thoughts and feelings about you, so you only get the parts of him that are voting for you….the other parts of him voting against you will always “block” that part of himself away from you. You say his actions are showing you that he really loves you….well don’t you consider the conversations of how “incompatible you are and your relationship is going nowhere” an action? Reality is…he is not integrated and therefore…OF COURSE you are confused and your reaction of having hurt feelings and feeling depleted is a normal reaction anyone would have in my opinion. It’s your system telling you something is “off.” You love him, are committed and want to grow with him, yet his words (words are powerful) are completely rejecting to you!! OUCH!2. He could be using this as a technique to help him fill his void and feelings of insecurity. You know those people who fish for compliments by cutting themselves down? For example, a girl might say “Man, I really look fat in this dress!” just so she can hear her friend say, “No you don’t! You look beautiful!” He might be doing the same thing only he cuts you down and the relationship. By constantly telling you that this won’t work and all the things that are wrong with you….if it activates in you the feeling to fight for him and validate him and help him through his challenges….he then gets a nice dose of feeling fought for by you because he feels pretty worthless inside. So essentially, he is setting up conversations so you can “re-assure” him of how wonderful he really is and he feels your desire to connect which in turn makes him feel safe and valued (because he doesn’t value himself…he needs you to do it for him – I’m not saying he does this consciously)
Bottom line here is…in my opinion, it’s time to draw the line. It’s been 3 years and it sounds like a constant conversation you have been having throughout time. He obviously has some fears and low self-esteem that he is projecting out onto you and you can only do so much for him. It’s time for him to decide. He needs to face his fears and his split thoughts and emotions if he is ever going to resolve this in himself. YOU CANNOT DO THIS FOR HIM!
To me…yes, it is a deal breaker if someone cannot SAY how they feel. Words AND actions are the ways we express our feelings and if someone is telling you 2 different stories, you have a guy who has 1 foot in and 1 foot out. There is no deep commitment there…I don’t care how much his actions tell you otherwise. He is not living in this relationship as a united and integrated person.
He literally is telling you everything that is wrong with you and the relationship. Those words should have power just like his actions do. Yes, words can be words…and I know everyone says “actions speak louder than words” BUT…words do have meaning too. Just because actions might mean something more, does not mean you completely disregard what someone says. What if someday he were to get sick and eventually end up in a wheelchair and he loses his body. All he would have left are his words. What then? What kind of love do you think would exist at that point between you guys? I know that may be an extreme example, but it can be reality…you never know! My point is…When you choose a partner to share your heart with, you MUST consider if they are safe to care for your heart under any and all circumstances…no exceptions! Do you feel you could do that with this guy? Feel completely and utterly safe to have him hold your heart in his hands under any and all circumstances and treat you with kindness, care, love and nourishment?
Again…it does not matter what exactly he is doing and why he is behaving this way….what matters is that he is….and you have a choice to make. Is this a cycle you are willing to continue? Because no matter how bonded you become through the actions, can you handle not hearing “I love you” for another couple of years? If you can, then you just wait until he is ready. You totally get to do that! I’m guessing though, that something in you does not feel safe with your heart in his hands if you are writing in here. Your gut is telling you something is off here and you are needing some type of resolution…because you can’t take much more of this. He is hurting you with these conversations….he is bonding deeply with you all the while telling you everything that is wrong with you and your relationship. Again….OUCH!
You can approach this in 2 ways:
1. When he brings up this conversation again…you can say, “listen…this is not something I am willing to talk about anymore. It’s the same conversation we have had several times and it sounds like you are still convinced we are not going anywhere. So it sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do and a decision to make. I know what I want, so you need to decide what you want. When you have figured it out, let me know. I can’t help you anymore.”2 You can be direct. Let him know you are not willing to move forward anymore unless he decides there is a chance to grow together….or not. You value your heart so much and you are not interested in sharing it anymore with someone who is not completely ECSTATIC and OVERJOYED to get to have it. No more being split or playing games….no more talk about how you are not compatible all the while making you breakfast in bed and sharing deep, intimate thoughts…..either you are together and growing…or you are not.
Either way….no more playing this game and letting him play tennis with your heart. If he won’t fight for it, then he is not a safe person to bond deeply with.
I know I am taking the hardline here. It’s been 3 years. He is obviously dealing with some serious fear, but that fear is causing you hurt feelings and depletion over and over again. Love yourself enough to no longer play this tug o war game…help him face this fear by no longer allowing him to be indecisive about YOUR heart, your time, your emotions, your deep and intimate thoughts and feelings.
I hope this gives you a bit of a different perspective. This is a very confusing situation! Hopefully he will face his fear and sweep you off of your feet! I wish that for you!
Hi Riyo!
Wow, your response to Melissa was very interesting! I sensed a clarity and solidness I have not yet felt from you. AMAZING! All this is telling me is that you are so much stronger than maybe you give yourself credit for. I find women soooo fascinating…because you can see them be super strong and grounded at work, with their kids,, with their friends, but when a man and love shows up, I am often times beside myself as I watch a COMPLETELY different side to themselves shows up. All that being said, matters of heart can bring out vulnerability, insecurities and emotional challenges in a heartbeat!
You asked “have I done wrong?” I don’t personally like to view my decisions as right vs. wrong. I look at my decisions on a continuum scale of “more effective” or “less effective.” Even the so called “wrong decisions” we feel we make, are still effective in the way that there is always a lesson to be learned and something we can take from that situation to help us slowly take one more step towards becoming our better selves. And only you can answer where you fit on that scale. Are the choices you are making “more or less” effective for you? And let me re-assure you…I have made PLENTY of choices that were on the far end of “less effective” when it came to dating…and many of the times, I knew what and why I was making those decisions, but I did it anyways because my heart’s desire was much stronger than any part of me telling me to make a better choice. I understand your challenges Riyo, I understand how the love have for him feels so strong that it influences everything you do with him. One step at a time….you said that in your last interaction, you put your foot down. That is a start! You guys may fall back into the pattern over and over again, but if each time, you grow a little stronger and then a little stronger….before you know it, putting your foot down stronger and setting better boundaries will be so much easier for you!!!
So no matter what you choose….right or wrong, more effective or less effective….you fight to keep building your inner strength each time and then you CELEBRATE like crazy! Because what you are facing and dealing with is hard. So that no matter what happens with this guy or the next, you will have a trust in yourself that you will be okay!
Does this makes sense?
OH! and I am soooo glad you had a good graduation day! It’s an important day! Thank you for keeping us updated!!!
Wow! You are doing WONDERFUL!!!! So then all I would have suggested is to do what you already came to an understanding yourself. Your focus and attention is best when you can find pleasure in the people you are present with….not focused on finding that special connection. Each conversation is an opportunity to practice a new skill, help someone, create a connection for some type of purpose….who knows! And you are exactly right when you set your expectations to just getting to know new people…that way there is no disappointment…just appreciation for the present. I sometimes go into a situation with a reporter mindset to help me out. If I am a reporter and I need to write an interesting story to grab people’s attention about a person I am interacting with, what kinds of questions would I ask? What type of conversation would we have? What can I learn about them that would make a good story? It helps me stay present and connected to “what is” and sometimes helps make painfully boring conversations a bit more interesting….lol!
When I find myself starting to really miss having a man and start to actively look for one, I connect to the parts of myself (little girl energy) not feeling peaceful with the present and I begin to find my way back to the center again. It’s always a great symptom for me to pay attention to! You are being challenged between the adult part of you (your brain) and the child part of you (your heart) craving a deeper connection. If you can put the adult in the driver’s seat, you will be able to focus on what you DO have vs. the little girl in the driver’s seat focusing on what you DON’T have. And this is why being single is pretty wonderful…. and to me, one of the most valuable times to learn (if you choose) how to meet your own needs without the help of someone else. This is a VERY IMPORTANT skill to develop because it creates a deeper, inner strength and skillset of how to take care of yourself emotionally….because reality is, as I’m sure you know well…mo matter how wonderful your relationship is, there will always be moments where your partner cannot be there for you when you need them badly…and it will go over soooo much better when you know how to take care of yourself first! So connect into your heart and find out what your little girl energy is craving and wanting….and then figure out how to meet that need yourself….get yourself back to your center to where you feel peaceful and complete…as is.
And FYI….the last, most amazing relationship I have ever had was also with a 20 something year old. It was incredible and we functioned together in the most amazing and healthy ways. I know the struggle in having to separate because like you said…he was in a different phase than me and needed space to grow up and become a man in the full sense of the word. So I understand what you are going through. I have not yet found that level of connection again, but now that I know what it feels like, I am so excited to get to feel it again and will not settle for anything less! I am so glad you got to feel that! It’s quite the gift!
And I am SO happy that statement I made, hit home for you! That always makes me feel so good to help someone with the same stuff I have been through and learned from. I have no doubt you will pass it on!
So glad you wrote in!
Heidi
Hi Colleen! I am still a little confused. What I am understanding so far, is that you want to text your ex (boyfriend or husband?) and is this the violent ex husband you are wanting to ask for help? I am also understanding you want to use him to be your guinea pig so to speak….to test out your hot stone massage product. Is this right? Do you have feelings for him? What is your current relationship like? I am not understanding the part as to why you are so nervous to ask him for help.
Would you mind offering a little more context about your situation?
Thanks! Heidi
Hi Diane! Welcome! We are so glad to have you here and asking this WONDERFUL question!
I first want to commend you on really being clear about your standards and the quality that you know works for you. The trap that many people fall into is they have this idea of what they want, but they are not willing to be alone and they would rather “settle” than to put their foot down and require more for themselves. So…well done! What you are doing is not easy!
1. I would first encourage you to look at this alone time as something very special. It is a time to get to know yourself on a deeper level. When we are single, it can bring up some of our limitations, challenges, low self esteem and feelings of discomfort. It is such a special time to really work on those challenges while you can. Once somebody comes into your life, those limitations won’t necessarily be activated, as other ones tend to come to forefront when with a partner. So anytime I am completely alone, I work like crazy to heal the parts of myself that limit my ability to love myself and others. I get to know myself in different ways while I have the freedom to fall flat on my face without having to affect anyone else. So use this time to dig deep and really face what is in there. I will tell you, from my own personal experiences, that when I chose to dive deep while being alone, I really discovered how much of my self esteem was driven by the male attention I would receive. When all of that disappeared for an extended season, I had never felt more alone and all my low self esteem came to the surface like an avalanche. I saw how much I valued myself because a man valued me. I saw how much I felt my femininity because a man flirted with me or desired me. I realized I loved myself more only when a man loved me more. It was a HUGE wake up call and one I needed to answer. So I began the path of healing on a deeper level and replaced the male attention with my own. I loved myself and valued myself whether a man was around or not. After a period of time and a lot of soul searching, I now have an incredible inner strength that I would not trade for the world! Now, I have incredibly high standards and will require a very particular and unique type of man before I am willing to step forward and interact. So like you, I am very rarely inspired….AND I am completely okay with it. I see the beauty and gift in each interaction and appreciate whatever is offered….AND I just keep going about my life, continuing to be open to receiving, continuing to work on myself and continuing the challenge to be happy and feel complete while being single.
2. Since you have dated so much already (I assume you used an online platform), maybe approach this a bit differently. Have you tried joining groups of similar interests as your own? I play soccer, so I am part of a group that gets together and plays pickup games. It’s been an incredible avenue to meet new people. Meetup.com is a GREAT place to meet likeminded people. Have you tried eventsandadventures.com? This is a dating platform…sort of. It’s an organization that plans events every single day that you can join in. Hot air balloon rides, wine tours, travel, dodge ball, kayaking….you name it! It’s pretty incredible! And you have to be single to join. So it doesn’t mean everyone dates, but everyone is at least in the same mindset….wanting to meet new people and just have some fun. What about joining a dance class? You can find group dance classes (swing, salsa, tango etc.) for $10 a class. My point in these suggestions is to go out and find activities that you love to do! This will open up your world to meeting a ton of new people while doing the things you love. It’s a great way to organically meet someone! This way, you are not having to motivate yourself to “put yourself back out there”…..You are feeding your spirit with fun, connection and joy, which in turn raises your spirits and can open the door to attracting the kind of man that matches you.
I am so glad you wrote in. Hopefully these ideas will give you some new inspiration and a different approach to this season in your life!
Heidi
Hi Anne! Wow…you are in quite the sticky situation….especially having a business relationship on top of the romance. Your heart must be breaking!
I am wondering why he is cheating if your relationship was as wonderful as you were saying. Maybe he is dealing with sexual addiction? Maybe he is not as happy as he appears to be? Maybe he loves you and that scares him so he is sabotaging? I am glad to know he is seeking some help. Dealing with something intense like this is best when having accountability and objectivity from someone you can trust.
I am wondering why you are staying with him. It sounds like there is a HUGE disconnect here and you are on a completely different page than him. He says he loves you AND he is lying and cheating all in the same moment and it does not appear to be changing or getting better. So what are you holding onto? What do you get from the relationship that you are not willing to give up? And whatever that is, do you feel it is worth being lied to and cheated on?
I understand you have a business relationship as well. Is there any possible way to disconnect? Reality is, if he is lying and cheating on you, that means he also has potential to do the same in business as well. Do you feel safe to continue the business relationship with him considering his integrity is lacking?
You are saying that all of this is very difficult and IT SHOULD BE! Being cheated on and lied to is not supposed to feel okay…so again, what is causing you to stick around and stay connected to a man that clearly is not on the same page as you?
Thank you for writing in! We will do our best to guide you through this sticky situation!!!
Heidi
Hi Riyo!
I couldn’t remember this quote yesterday when I was writing to you, but I remembered it last night, so here it is:
Albert Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting a different result.”I wanted to share this with you because I understand you want him back and you love him. However, I also imagine that you want it to be different…you do not want to have to go through this again. This is why I am encouraging you to strengthen your insides. Do something different than you have ever done before. If you get him back but then both of you just keep having the same patterns, nothing will change and the odds of something like this happening again and SUPER high!
So why not really focus on strengthening your insides, respecting yourself more, learning how to set boundaries. Try something different and at worst, if it doesn’t work out, you at least are stronger, more confident and feel more respect for yourself.
Just some more thoughts!
And lastly! I wanted to celebrate you today. You have accomplished something so incredible. Although I do not know you, I am proud of you. I know you have gone through many moments of challenge and today, you get to reap the rewards for being diligent, committed and finishing what you started. You can do great things in this life with that kind of spirit! Well done!
Heidi
Hi Maria!
I am so happy to hear how you are going to move forward with this! I thank you soooo much for your kind words. This is a tricky subject, so when something works well for someone, it just puts a GIANT smile on my face! I appreciate you!We would love to hear updates if you are willing to share!
Heidi
Kanya! I LOVED this! I have never heard it broken down in this fashion and how she explains it, just makes it so much more clear. She is a great speaker! Thank you so much for sharing!
Heidi
Hi Riyo,
I see you are still seeking some guidance about how to interact with him on your graduation. I first want to say congratulations! You are accomplishing something so difficult and I hope you spend that day really appreciating and valuing all the work you have done to get there. I hope you don’t make that entire day about the guy. It is YOUR day and one to truly be celebrated!!! I understand you want him there and want to be desirable to him and celebrated by him. I don’t blame you. I just want to encourage you to not rely entirely on him or your interactions in order to truly honor what you have accomplished. This is YOUR day, not his.
In your other posts, I really appreciated your honesty and true acknowledgement about your struggles. I want to emphasize again, no matter what happens with this guy, I encourage you to continue building your inner strength. If you get back together, STILL WORK ON BUILDING your self esteem and stop relying 100% on him to make you feel better. He is unpredictable and unstable and that means, even if you do get back together, there will be times where he is not there for you and vise versa. So building your inner strength will help you handle those moments in a much healthier way. Again, I think the work of Brene Brown can really help you! http://www.brenebrown.com
When you see him, what I encourage you most to do is to behave in a way that makes you feel like you are respecting yourself, therefore requiring him to respect you. If you view your heart as this beautiful, rare and delicate piece of jewelry, who would you hand it over to? Just anyone? The challenge here is, you don’t view yourself that way, therefore no one else will view you that way either. If you view yourself as valuable and REQUIRE that anyone who comes into your space, better take AMAZING care of that rare and beautiful piece of jewelry, that commands respect and care.
If you show up “needy” and chasing after him, despite the fact he has another girlfriend…it would make him feel he can do whatever he wants and he still will get to have you. Would you respect yourself allowing him to walk all over you like that? If you show up with strength, having boundaries, letting him know he has to work harder if he wants to be with you….it can inspire him to respect you more, therefore want to work harder for you.
You said in the other post that you know you need to build inner strength. This is a wonderful time to do this. This is not about saying or being a certain way that will get him back. This is about you being the inner strength you desire and showing him how to treat you! If don’t care for yourself, who will? You are wanting him to take care of you, when you won’t take care of you. You are wanting him to do for you, what you won’t do for yourself.
You can do this Riyo! Give it some time. Start working on your inner strength and you will be completely surprised how that changes everything for you!
Heidi
