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It’s called the Relationship Rewrite Method. I would guide you to customer service to see about purchasing this particular product. Here is the summary:
“The relationship rewrite method shows you a simple path to follow when your man seems to be pulling away. Even if he is currently refusing to speak with you, this method will grab his attention.
You’ll learn how to touch his emotions through special compliments that open his heart to you again. James teaches you how to tempt him to take a step closer, of his own free will. The method works by drawing out the best in him. Then you fan the embers and rekindle the flame of his desire to claim you as his own.”
I’m so happy to hear that you both were madly in love at one point! That gives you something to work with. I still suggest giving him some space and that you take to heart his feelings about being “pushed” or “bothered” about those particular topics. Start looking at what your needs were, different ways to communicate those needs so that you learn how to “inspire him” vs. push him and also look at different ways to meet your needs. If he felt pushed by you and that caused him to disconnect and search elsewhere, then what you can do in the meantime, is understand both of your dynamics that contributed to the situation so you can better learn how work through something like this in the future. Hopefully he would eventually be willing to do the same thing.
The kind of things that may catch his attention, at least a little, would be something like, “You know…I really took to heart how I made you feel when we talked about what caused you to disconnect from me. I can see why you felt like I was on you. I looked deeper in myself and all I really wanted was to get closer with you. My intention was to help and I now see that I wasn’t really helping. I was just pushing you further away from me. Thank you for being honest with me. It gives me something to work on and be better about.” And then just leave it at that. I would stay away from any talk about getting back together. The more available you are to him, the less interested he would be especially since his attention is elsewhere right now. Activate that very natural need to “hunt” in him. If you just let him be and do what he needs right now, without bothering him about getting back together, he will feel more and more safe to talk with you, develop a friendship with you and probably in the back of his mind, slowly will want to re-connect. If he can keep associating “feeling good” around you, then you will keep reminding him of how you guys had something really special. You also want activate his hunter mind, the part of the man that loves the chase, then you might draw him to you. You can flirt, but leave it at that. Keep the mystery and keep the confidence that you are the best thing that ever happened to him….but you don’t need to tell him that…SHOW him what he is missing by being an incredible friend, a good listener, a flirty and sexy AND unavailable.
A 20 year old is nothing compared to what you are to him. Remind him of how good it feels to be with a grown woman…a woman who knows him, challenges him, knows herself and is confident in a real way. It will take some time and several interactions, but that’s okay. It sounds like all that matters to you is getting him back, so although being patient will be very hard, I’m sure it will all be worth it at some point.
Thank you for offering more details! It helps each time to get a clearer picture.
Heidi
Hi Suzanne,
Those are such difficult words to hear from the man you love. It sounds like he was having a different experience of the relationship than what you were having.
I want to say that you cannot “make” anyone feel for you what they do not feel. Currently, you are not only dealing with a guy who says he is not in love with you, he has a history of 19 years with you of which he says he does not feel “in love” with you AND he is with a 20 year old which probably feels very refreshing and light and easy for him as she will not require very much from him. So to try and get his attention back at this very juncture….well let’s just say you have the odds stacked against you. His attention is elsewhere and he is most likely okay with that. If you do get his attention again, it is going to take some time and a lot of patience on your end.
You left because you felt him not interested in you anymore. Have you guys ever sat down and really discussed what caused it? It sounds like maybe you guys grew apart….or a least he grew apart from you. Do you know why? If you don’t know the answer to this, then maybe you guys could sit down and find out what happened. If he only has this experience of loving and caring for you, but not being IN LOVE with you, then getting him back and re-creating what you used to have will not interest him unless something changes. You need to know what needs to change in order to attract him back to you. You can always just ask, “Was there ever a time you felt in love with me? Was there ever a time you couldn’t imagine your life without me? If yes, then what happened? Was there something I did that caused you to start to pull away? I want to know what happened because I want to learn and grow. I want to be a better partner in life.”
I’m afraid that no matter what “phrases” you say, you may just end up feeling rejected over and over again because he has this idea about you that he is not in love you and in his mind, why would he go back only to experience the same thing? So you can say “phrases” all you want, but that won’t fix or change the core issues. If you want real, authentic connection where he is madly in love with you, you need to know if he ever felt that way in the first place and if he did, what changed.
And I also want to encourage you to not ignore you initial instinct of why you left in the first place. You felt not valued or cared about. You felt disconnected and you wanted more. That is a very healthy reaction, desire and need to have. I understand you changed your mind, but do you want to go back to the same exact situation where you left off with him? I would hate to see you fight for a guy who is not into you with his whole heart, body and soul. Accepting less than that will eventually leave you feeling lonely and wanting more. So as you work on getting him back, remember yourself too. Remember that you matter as well in this equation and he needs to hold up his end as well in order for anything to work again.
Have you tried reading the “Irresistible Communication” and the “Rewrite Method?” It can help give you some ideas about what you can do to start to slowly pull him back to you. Maybe as you shift and learn more and start practicing how to be the best version of yourself, he will sense a change and be interested in having an experience with you again.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly wish there were magical phrases to make him feel madly in love with you….it would make life so much easier if something like that existed. You guys have 19 years together and that means there are some core, deep challenges that caused him to pull away and that is where you are going to find your answers.
Please keep us updated and keep asking us questions!
Heidi
Hi Suzanne. Man! My heart broke FOR you. Who wouldn’t be sick and heart broken!!! I am so sorry you have to go through this! After 19 years together and then to know he is choosing to create memories with another woman, let alone a much younger woman. YIKES!
Of course he still loves you. He probably is not connected to that quite yet. He will be eventually, but for now….all the honeymoon chemicals are occupying his brain with this new woman and new life. There isn’t much detail that you offered, so I will do the best I can to advise you with the information you have provided.
I am not sure why you guys have broken up and the specific challenges you faced as a couple. I do know that when breaking up (especially after the length of time you both were together) it can feel like a part of you has been ripped away and it leaves a giant hole in your life. And that hole takes time to fill back up with time and healing. It’s that hole that many, many times makes us want to rejoin with our partner, because being with them, even with the challenges, feels better than the big empty hole. So my first question is….are you sure you want to get back together with him? If you were to take away the love and the heartache you feel….and see him as a friend, a confidant, someone who cares for your heart….is he someone you feel safe with and want to keep growing with??
I am wondering if this is a pattern of his. Does he have a tendency to run away from how he is really feeling? Does he tend to search for “bandaids” to make him feel emotionally better versus really confronting what is happening…head on? People that use bandaids can use drinking, drugs, spending money they don’t have, food, increased socialization etc. These types of behaviors can increase when the stress internally becomes more intense. Since he is seeking out his receptionist (she is the bandaid) I am wondering if he has done something like this before.
If you decide that you do want him back, it is going to take some time. If he is having a mid-life crisis, it is something he needs to play out and get out of his system fully and completely or it will come back to bite him in the ass again. Mid-life crises are very layered and dynamic and rarely does the person ever fully understand what is going on. I would suggest that as you wait this out, you take care of yourself really well. Work on healing, work on the issues that challenged your relationship, work on forgiving him for his choices. If you guys do decide to work through things, I would also suggest that you request that you guys work with a 3rd party. Having someone who can mediate and hold both of you accountable can really help you guys get past something like this. Or maybe you can find a book that suits you both and you go through it together. Your relationship and trust has been very damaged and if it is to be repaired, there needs to be much more than an “I’m sorry I hurt you” kind of conversation. ACTION needs to be taken to heal. Maybe you guys go on a couple’s retreat, maybe you join a group of couples that are working through their challenges, maybe you see a life coach or therapist separately or together, maybe you do an online program together. My favorite is John Gottman or Jayson Gaddis. You can google either person and see if they resonate for you. You guys will need some type of help to get through this
You can always say something like this for now: “I don’t know why you are choosing what you are choosing. There obviously is something that you need that I am not able to help with for right now. So I am not going to fight you on this. I want you to explore and do whatever you feel you need to do in order to resolve whatever you are dealing with and I am going to do the same. I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. I cannot imagine and do not want to imagine my life without you in it. I will miss how you make me laugh. I will miss how you are the first person I want to talk to every single day. I will miss feeling your arms wrapped around me. I want you to know that I will be here when and if you decide you want to try “us” again. It does not mean I am waiting around for me or that I will be open to the idea of that. All it means is that, for today, I believe you and I are meant to be together and I will be open to talking with you when and if you feel ready. I hope that you come around before the door closes on my heart. I believe you are a good man and worth fighting for.”
I do want to invite you to consider really letting him go though. I know you are heart sick and in an incredible amount of pain with how everything has turned out. Give it time…you can and will heal if you choose to. He is not a very kind partner in life if he is choosing to date a young lady all the while trying to work things out with you. Mid life crisis or not, there are healthier ways to go about dealing with his emotions, but he is taking the very easy way out. Eventually, the loss of you will really hit him hard and he may come crawling back…who knows…but YOU have to decide if that is the kind of man you want to hand your heart over to.
Regardless of what you decide to do, what is crucial for now, is to start working on your healing.
1. Look up EFT or TFT on youtube. They are tapping techniques that can help lessen the intensity of emotions.
2. Find new activities or hobbies to participate in. It’s important to start to have some fun, so as to help the constant heartache and depression. Maybe find a dance class? A pottery class? Start some kind of project where you have to make something. Getting your “creative” juices flowing is actually a VERY powerful way to transform your emotions.
3. Watch some movies where you watch the main characters go through what you are dealing with. It helps to have role models. When you identify with a character in a movie and watch them survive and heal from heartache, it helps you do the same. Under the Tuscan Sun is one of my favorites.
4. Volunteer somewhere. When you get yourself into a mode of “giving and helping” it will remind you everything you DO have instead of what you DON”T have. This is very important to keep reminding yourself of, so helping out the community in some for or fashion is a great way to do that.
5. MOST IMPORTANT: work on forgiving him and yourself. Forgive him for not being the kind of man you needed him to be. Forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Each time you have a thoughts and feelings of hurt, anger, sadness….you follow those thoughts with “AND I will forgive him….” It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel it, it matters that you keep saying it. And at some point, you will. If you keep making the choice to forgive, NO MATTER WHAT, you are telling yourself that it is not okay to hold onto hurt, resentment, anger, hurt. You will choose to forgive. Now forgiving does not mean that you forget. Remembering his choices are important…remembering is what will help you navigate future choices. Forgiving means that you let go of the right for revenge. You let go of the feelings of spite, hurt and anger towards him. You decide that you will not be held down by the heaviness of his choices…and forgiveness is what will free you from all of that. You want to get to the point where you are completely indifferent. When you think about his choices that he is making right now, you know you truly forgave when you have no emotional reaction about any of it. If you do decide to move forward with him again, this is CRUCIAL if you guys are going to have a chance.I am so sorry! I wish there were some magic words to make your heart heal and to help you feel better. I hope this at least gives you some direction and ideas of how to keep moving forward in your life. Keep breathing and know that you will make it through this one way or another….one day at a time. At some point, the pain will lessen and you will find your ground again.
Keep us updated. We are here to help and support you in whatever way we can.
Heidi
Hi Geraldine! Man I am so sorry for this! It is heartbreaking to watch the man you love slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
One very important pillar that needs to be a part of a healthy relationship is like-mindedness in how you find joy. What I mean by that is that core values need to be in the same shade of color. How you play together needs to be in the same shade of color. It sounds like you both were in the same shade of color and now you are not. It sounds like you focusing on the business and neglecting him is maybe what started contributing to you two growing apart. I have no idea if he tried to get your attention during that time. You may have been focused on the business and neglected him, but I am curious if he also just allowed that to happen or did he try to fight to keep you guys connected? He is part of the equation too, so make sure you don’t take FULL responsibility for how things got to where they are now.
I want to be very honest with you. When a man says he doesn’t love you anymore, the door is closed, he is seeing other women and makes no effort whatsoever to try to work on the relationship with you….I want to tell you that it’s time for you guys to live separately and for you to start to create your own life. I know you so desperately want him to re-connect with you, but you are running up against a brick wall right now. Who knows, maybe a year down the road he may shift, but for right now, there isn’t even a flicker of light that is letting you know that he would like to stay married.
Maybe you living in a separate space and disconnecting will help him feel the loss of you and spark something in him. Maybe if you decided to get into fitness a little more and join him, at least a little, with this part of his life, he may feel more connective with you. Have you tried asking him why he thinks this happened? When did he notice that he was losing feelings for you? Does he know what caused it? Does he even have any desire for it to come back?
Maybe this was inevitable. I know it is not an uncommon thing that when a guy gets married young and doesn’t really develop his “dating” skills, doesn’t really live out his fantasies or try on all sorts of dating adventures, that those desires and needs will resurface in the 40’s….hence the mid-life crisis. This is a very real thing for men…and it can happen with women as well. When people are together in their early 20’s and get married later in their 20’s…it can interrupt a phase of development. The 20’s is a very natural time for someone to explore and figure out who they are in the world. It’s the very first decade of being an adult and having the adult responsibilities. In the 20’s is when people try on all sorts of things….so by the time they start to get close to the 30’s when the natural need to start a family shows up, a person knows better what they want…because they have lived a little. So maybe this was inevitable since you guys got married in your 20’s and neither of you got to develop through your exploring years….he may have that kind of spirit….a spirit that needs to try on all sorts of things…and he shut that down by dating and then marrying you before letting his spirit experience all that it needed to….and now the need is so strong that he has to honor it. I have no idea how true this could be…I am just throwing out possibilities.
Either way, I want to invite you to honor yourself more. Living with your husband who is seeing other women, not interested in growing with you and living his own life….that is a VERY rejecting home to live in. That is going to ruin your spirit to the very core over time. Would you consider finding your own place where it is peaceful and not rejecting? A place where you can feel safe? A place that is only your energy and not any of his?? This can help you start to gather more strength to either start your own life or to have more strength to keep fighting for him in whatever way you can until you decide to let him go or until he decides he wants to grow with you. I know you may think that living in the same house will help keep you from losing him, but by doing that…you are choosing him over yourself. You are experiencing rejection every single day and the loss of him, every single day. I want to see you fight for yourself more. I want to see you care for yourself more. I want to see you start to choose yourself over him more….so you don’t completely lose who you are in this process. Only good can come from those kind of choices.
I am so sad that I don’t have a clear cut answer for you. When the man you love is not returning the feelings, it’s devastating. It may be time to say goodbye to the dreams you have with him. I’m not sure any type of technique will help you with a guy who just is not interested anymore and is very clearly moving on.
Again, maybe you need to sit down and have a very clear heart to heart so you can deal with reality. Does he have ANY desire or WANT to re-connect with you or is the flame completely gone? Would he be willing to see a counselor with you? Would he be willing to see a counselor with you even if you guys decided to separate….to maybe help make it all more amicable? Would he be willing to live in separate places and maybe start dating again? Would he be willing to go on a couple’s retreat? My guess is the answer is no to all of these questions from what you said. I would ask all of those questions again. You may get a yes for one of those….or you may keep getting a no…of which you need to hear so you can let him go.
I’m so sorry!!! Again, I wish I could tell you differently. Please keep us updated. We are here for you and will help in any way we possibly can!!!
Hi Chanelle! Thank you for writing in. How frustrating for you! I am so sorry you are dealing with this on a weekly basis and I can see why you are now questioning whether or not this is worth dealing with.
Is this a pattern in his life outside of you? Has he done this in past relationships? Has this been happening since you first met or did it start more recently? What does he say when you request for him to just let you know sooner rather than at the last minute?
It’s interesting that he says he treats you badly and that his parents would be ashamed of him. It’s also interesting that he says he likes being talked to sternly. That kind of raises my eyebrow. I wonder what that is about and honestly, there is something that feels a bit off about that. Since I don’t know him, only you would be able to notice the vibe behind saying something like that.
There are a few things that could be going on here…let’s explore:
1. Since he likes to be talked to sternly, he could subconsciously be creating scenarios that bring that side out in you. Who knows why he likes that. It may have a “fetish” flavor to it.
2. He may need the drama. People who grew up in challenge, chaos or drama are used to that. It’s familiar. If he has had a hard life, he may be continuing to create that difficulty so he is always feeling the drama…since that is what he is used to. Peace, ease, nourishment and healthy connection for people that grew up in chaos and challenge….is actually quite boring, so they keep creating the drama since that is what they are used to. Their system does not trust peace, ease and nourishment….their system actually thinks all of that is boring and unstimulating. Again, this is something that, for most people, is a subconscious thing they create. They have no connection, at all, to what they are really doing.
3. He is getting a good dose of “love” every time you get up upset with him. Here is how that works….someone with a lot of low self-esteem will find ways to get “doses” of value from other people because they don’t get it from inside themselves. You know those ladies who will say, “Oh my gosh, I look so fat in this dress” but they only say it so they can here their friend or guy say, “No you don’t! You look gorgeous!!!” They get their dose of value from the other person in that moment. Of course it only makes them feel better for the moment and then they will keep creating scenarios for more “doses” of value. They are on a hamster wheel. People like that never get better because their self-esteem keeps coming from external sources vs. their internal source. He may be doing this with you. Every time he cancels, you get upset….and you being upset means that you care deeply about him. If you didn’t get upset, that would mean you didn’t care. So he gets his weekly dose of love, value and self-esteem each time you get upset.
4. I learned this concept from Dr. Harville Hendrix. It’s called the “Upper Limit.” It is the level of happiness we allow ourselves to feel and it is directly connected to how much low self esteem we have. Here is how it plays out….we each have and empty glass when we meet someone…. and how big that glass is determines how much we allow ourselves to be happy. So we feel happy and the glass starts filling up. If you have a small glass, it fills up quickly…if you have a giant, humungous glass, it takes awhile…but once we reach the rim of the glass with water, our system will start to sabotage our happiness….because the top of the glass is the limit. Low self-esteem is what determines how big your glass is. So let’s take an extreme example of an addict. They have a lot of low self esteem, so when they start to get happy and feel good, their low self esteem will actually not trust that feeling nor believe it’s really possible….so they may meet someone and be happy, but then their glass will fill super quick and they will start to sabotage the relationship pretty quickly, either through drugs, arguments, connecting and disconnecting….anything that will create the drama and ruin the happiness, because their system does not allow them to pass the brim of their glass. He may have reached his upper limit with you. The deeper and closer you get with someone, it is very natural to face and deal with deeper fears. The more you love, the more it means you have to have the strength to risk and permission to feel safe with someone. So if he has reached the brim of his glass, he will keep sabotaging the relationship to bring in the drama to limit how happy and peaceful things could be between you guys. I hope this makes sense. Everybody faces it, it is a very normal thing we all do on some level. In order to make your glass bigger, it’s a matter of facing whatever is causing the low self esteem and doing some healing work. It’s very possible, but not a path that many people are willing to take.
Here is the bottom line….no matter the core reason for why he is behaving this way, he is sabotaging intimacy with you, regardless of the stress is it causing you. So you have a choice to make. Keep trying to figure this out and work with him or decide it is not the type of experience you want to have anymore.
1. You could maybe sit down and say, “Listen…I am not willing to go through this anymore. It is so stressful and ends up making me feel like I’m at the low end of the totem pole with you. I have tried every possible way to tell you that I need you to work on this, but nothing seems to be getting your attention enough. So I will try this one more time. If I do not see you making any effort and working on this with me, then I have to respect that this is just who you are going to be and I have to honor myself by letting you go. I do not want to feel this every week. I do not want to yell at you anymore. I do not want to cry about this anymore. It’s not who I want to be or how I want to feel. So let’s try this. Anytime we make plans, how about texting or calling me 90 minutes before the time we are about to meet and you can confirm our plans. That gives me enough time to get ready. If I do not hear from you, then I will assume that our plans are off and it still gives me enough time to make other plans. What do you think about that?”
2. You could have a deeper conversation about it. Ask him when this pattern started in his life. Ask him about why he likes you being stern with him. Get more details about his parent’s relationship and how they parented him. Let him know that you are curious about him and want to know him more. You are running out of patience with this behavior and understanding more about him may help you have more patience. That conversation may even help him connect into the pattern and realize the deeper reasons that are causing him to sabotage.
Here is the thing….if he is not willing to grow and work on this, then you need to know this about him. If he won’t work on something like this, then he won’t work on other things as well and that makes for a VERY difficult relationship. If he is willing to face this and want to be better, then great! In whatever conversation you choose to have, what you need to ask for SPECIFICALLY is some type of “action.” No more saying sorry. You need him to read a book, you need him to maybe find a life coach, you need him to make more effort to call you sooner, you need him to DO something so you see that he is taking “action” to shift this sabotaging behavior. If he is not willing to take action, then you have a decision to make.
You could also create some kind of behavior modification scenario where he gets super rewarded somehow for making it an entire week without canceling or if he does cancel, he lets you know a few hours in advance. If he can make it a whole week doing that….then maybe you do something super special for him. It may help him feel his like a hero which he needs to enjoy feeling vs. enjoying feeling like a failure.
There is a lot of info here, so good luck on this journey of yours! It’s a tough one!! Keep us updated!
Heidi
.Hi Gwen!
I also want to suggest that maybe exploring his hormone levels is a good option. Men’s testosterone starts to drop quite a bit after 40, which is very attached to their sex drive. Exercising is a tremendous way to help this as well as seeing a doctor who specializes in hormone treatment to get the system back into balance. Heavy lifting in particular is what increases testosterone the most. Does he lift weights at all?
Here is a very good video as well that will support what Kanya is saying about this being pretty normal…it may help you feel validated and understand a bit more about what you and your hubby are facing!
Heidi
Hi Zeti!
I have just a few questions. Have you ever met in person? What has been your normal frequency of communication? Do you guys plan on meeting? How do you know other ladies are interested….did he tell you that?
I want to invite you to think about something for a second before you try anything with him. A lot of people think that when they offer advice and the other person ends up disconnecting because of it, that it is their fault. There may be some truth in it. Maybe it was unsolicited advice, maybe they didn’t like the advice that was offered….or maybe they just do not handle taking advice very well. Before you get so wrapped up in thinking you made a “mistake,” (which maybe you did – or maybe you didn’t) let’s look at his response. He has chosen to disconnect. Do you really feel like you want to pursue a guy who disappears just because you offered some advice? Do you really feel like it’s okay for him to disappear and disconnect with you without telling you what is going on? It’s important that when getting to know someone, regardless of how amazing they are, the most important aspects to watch is how they respond to any type of “stress.” When you see their stress response, it tells you A TON about what you will be facing down the road and what kind of person they are. If he is the type to run away, not communicate, not talk with you about what his thoughts are, then you are going to have a super hard time being in relationship with him. It has only been a month and you guys are long distance. Quality relationships are incredibly hard to start with it being and LDR….for reasons just like this. A person could entirely disappear without any accountability about their choice. To me, someone who makes that kind of choice is the kind of person who has done it before and will do it again. So before you try to get this guy back, really ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you would like to pursue.
If you do want to pursue him, I would suggest to give some space for a bit. If he is upset with you for any reason, give him time to resolve his feelings. You have already reached out in a few different ways and he is not responding. If you continue to keep reaching out, you are teaching him that if he pulls his energy away, you are going to chase him. So give him some space and let him now feel the absence of you now. Let him miss hearing from you. You have made the effort to re-connect, so now it is his turn to make some effort. If he still does not respond, I would venture to guess he has moved his attention to the other ladies and I would let him go. I imagine you want a guy who will fight for you, not just disconnect because you offered some advice. And I know that will be very difficult to do, but imagine how difficult a relationship would be with the kind of guy who ignores you and runs away when he feels like it.
Give it some time and be patient. I would wait a week and then you try the “I need your help” scenario if you have not heard from him. It’s also possible he lost his phone, something really terrible could have happened or maybe he just has disconnected. Who knows! Another thing you could try and has worked many times, is if someone is ghosting, put a time limit on it and give them a warning. You could say something like, “I’m not sure what is going on here. You have disconnected and I don’t understand why. I am hoping that everything is okay with you and that you are not lying in a hospital bed somewhere! If you just feel like you would like to end things with me, at least let me know you are okay and create closure. I will wait to hear from you until Friday. If I do not hear from you by then, then I will decide to close the door myself and move on and you will no longer hear from me. I hope everything is okay with you! Take care.” Let him feel your strength and that you have standards as to how you are treated. Require him to initiate and put some effort into staying connected with you and let him know you are not the only one who has to put in the effort. A good man will respect this kind of strength in a woman.
Please keep us updated!!
Heidi
Hi Megan!
Thanks for posting a picture! It’s wonderful for us to be able to see the person we get to talk with and go on a journey with. Thank you for writing in and giving us the opportunity to help. I’m so sorry about what’s happening in your relationship. It’s quite disappointing when we all of a sudden are going down a different path than what was planned. The beauty that can be found in it, is that the new path will bring us new information. You are seeking out new information and ways to be a better partner for him! Well done! You are fighting for him and your relationship and gathering different perspectives.
I just want to ask you a few questions first. Whenever I am having an emotional reaction to something, the first question I start asking myself is, where is this coming from? Even if the person, let’s say, gossips behind my back and starts an awful rumor, the feelings I have about that….some will be about the present moment and some will be about moments from the past that have a similar quality about it. So a guideline I like to use is called the SUD Scale. Subjective Units of Distress Scale. It’s a subjective scale used by many Therapists and healers. It’s a scale from 1-10. 10 being the worst and 1 being the least. So if I react to the rumor being spread about me and rate it at an 8….I know there is DEFINITELY something from my past influencing the intensity of my emotional reaction. My basic rule of thumb is that if I am over a 5, the VERY FIRST thing I do is connect into what past feelings are being triggered and I work on forgiveness and letting those feelings go. Once I am under a 5, I can then go and have a conversation and deal with the present situation.
So what would you rate your anxiety about your future together? What would you rate your reaction to him disconnecting from you in those moments?
The last question I want to ask is: I know you want to have a family and are in your late 30’s. Is there any part of you trying to make this work NOW….because wanting a baby is important to you? If you were 25, do you feel you would still fight for this relationship? If you were 30, would you still fight for this relationship? In other words, take your desire to have a family, out of the equation. If that were not a factor, would you still fight for him?
This is a super old school book and there may be better ones out there, but for some reason, it is coming to my mind to recommend to you. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray. Here is a video clip that may interest you: https://youtu.be/n_S5smFL8Vo
It may be 20 years old, but the concepts are still viable. Men process differently than women do. The challenging part is the LDR. It might be much more manageable if you both lived in the same space. So for right now, maybe start with a conversation about it.Here are some questions you can ask: When you disconnect from me, do you know why you do it? Have you always done it or is there something I am doing to trigger that reaction in you? When you disconnect, what is the best thing for me to do? Would you like space, would you like me to still connect a little, what do you want? Now when having that conversation, make sure you include your needs as well. It’s a co-creation here….so you can say, “when you disconnect from me, it hurts and feels rejecting. So I will give you space, but can you just say something like ‘I need to disconnect right now. I love you, I will be back and re-connect by tomorrow. I just need some time to think. I am not going anywhere.’ And that way you both can design those moments so you both get what you need. And make sure you have this conversation outside of those disconnected times. You can start the conversation by saying something like, “I feel we have a speed bump we need to face. When you disconnect, it makes me feel rejected and hurt. So I am actually really interested about what you are feeling and doing and how about we make a plan of how to get through those moments. Because I know you don’t want to hurt me and I sure as heck don’t want to push you away. So let’s talk about this and see if we can experiment with different approaches to see what works.”
I would suggest to see if you guys can connect and work through this speed bump for right now. Maybe stay away from the “future” topic for awhile. If you guys can just focus on figuring out how to work through the ups and downs and finding and establishing a more solid and consistent foundation…THEN that makes a future more plausible and easier to build. Trust needs to be built for emotional safety, communication can improve and the bonding will get stronger that way. THEN you are organically building your relationship. THEN he will be more inspired to build a future with you.
Thank you again for writing in. Hopefully this gives you some ideas to try out. I wish you the very best and please keep us updated!!!
Heidi
You are quite strong and grounded Aleksandra. Whatever you have done up to this point to be able to connect into your truth and have the courage you have, keep doing it!
Thank you again for taking a chance with us and writing in for some advice!
Heidi
Hi Aleksandra! Thank you so much for writing back. I apologize! I have a friend with Crohn’s disease and her life is quite the challenge. Her family has a lot to accept and deal with considering her food limitations, constant need for a nearby bathroom etc. I am so glad to hear you have a minor version and that everything is under control and manageable. I should have gathered more information before making that assumption. Please forgive me for comparing your situation to someone with some type of disability.
I am so sorry for how this turned out. I agree 100% with what Kanya said. It is sooooo hard to completely disconnect and allow healing to take place, so you did an incredibly difficult thing by saying no to staying in contact. Well done! It sounds like both of you are very clear about this choice. It will leave the door open now for the kind of man who is in alignment with you and your visions.
I wish you the very best in healing your heart, your body, your spirit!
Thank you for the update and for letting me know how you felt about my response to your situation. I am always learning and growing on this forum and value people’s experiences of my advice. It’s how I get better at this! I appreciate you 🙂
Heidi
Hi Jen! Wow….thank you for writing in! You have been through an incredible amount. I am so sorry for that. It sounds like you have found your ground again and are starting to stabilize which I’m sure makes you feel a million pounds lighter. I’m so sorry your marriage has taken such a beating. It sounds like him leaving may have been a good decision for right now. Continuing to fight is so unhealthy for both of you and sometimes, creating some space can help give perspective. My hope is that he is willing to fight for this like you are. It sounds like your marriage is repairable with certain steps. Education, forgiveness and a new skillset. You both have lost trust and safety with each other. Forgiveness needs to happen for both of your limitations. Education and a new skillset can help you both learn healthy ways to communicate and meet each other’s needs without causing hurt.
Dr. John Gottman has INCREDIBLE information and programs to help couples learn how to repair, heal and create a healthy relationship. He has studied love and relationship (scientifically) for 30+ years now and his findings are incredible! All the information he puts out there is spot on. Here is an article about a system for conflict resolution:
Understanding Each Other: The First Part of the State of The Union Meeting
Another person I REALLY like is Jayson Gaddis. http://www.jaysongaddis.com
If not these guys, then you need to find someone. You both need to raise the white flag for peace, stop arguing and immediately get into educating yourselves about how to communicate better so you don’t keep hurting each other. I also highly recommend finding someone you both can work with together and / or individually. For right now, having a good therapist, coach, healer of some sorts to be an objective perspective for you both, hold you both accountable and educate you guys would be so incredibly helpful. There is so much hurt and broken trust that having a third party of some kind may need to happen for right now, until you guys get back to a good foundation.
How about writing him a romantic letter….letting him know everything you LOVE about him. Telling him several moments where you felt he made your life so much better by being in it. What specific qualities does he have that makes you want to fight for him?? Then tell him that he is worth fighting for. Let him know that you do not want to fight anymore. You do not want to hurt him anymore. You are not interested in being mean anymore. You don’t like yourself like this and you are going to work on (and be specific on how you are going to work on it – what ACTIONS are you going to take so you no longer hit him “below the belt” with your words). Let him know you want to talk about this over a nice dinner. You want to repair, forgive and heal and you want him on this journey with you. Who know where it will end up, but you are not willing to let it get any worse. You only want it to get better. Then find a nice restaurant, look beautiful and go connect with him. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS at that dinner, you commit to not arguing with him. You stay soft, kind, gentle and be an incredible listener. Have curiosity at the center of your mindset. When you are curious about his feelings, you will be more likely to REALLY hear about his experiences and learn more about him. Before you leave dinner, see if you guys can get on the same page about the next step. Maybe take in a book that you found that you guys can go through together. Or do your research and tell him about a program you read about and would love to go through it with him. Keep reminding him he is worth fighting for, not against. Tell him that you imagine having a relationship with him where you are both madly in love with each other. That you guys spend most of your time laughing, bonding, raising your kids and your house is full of love and ease. When arguments do show up, it’s a conversation, not a battlefield. Give him the vision you have!!! It will take work to get there, but it’s possible if you BOTH agree to do the work.
Now, he may not be ready or willing to step into that process with you. That’s okay. You don’t give up. You IMMEDIATELY start educating and healing yourself. You SHOW him you are actively making changes. You SHOW him you are getting better and that you are serious about this. You SHOW him you are truly sorry for the hurt you have caused by getting better. Many times, a man needs to watch a bit first before he is willing to jump in. Be the role model for him. Let him see how it can be different by BEING DIFFERENT. Give it some time.
Hopefully this gives you some good direction. Again, I am so sorry for your challenges and I wish the best for both of you. We would love any updates or more questions you are willing to share!!!
Heidi
Hi Medy! Thank you for taking a chance with us and writing in!!!
This is a question you can only answer for yourself. The best way to find the answer to really understand, very clearly, what you want. It sounds like you might really like this guy and would like to be exclusive with him….your feelings for him are not casual, therefore you are interested in growing stronger with him. If this is true, it sounds like he is on a different page.
I find, many times, that a person’s perspective of being in a relationship means less freedom, more responsibility and not a lot of space. This can absolutely be true as many relationships are like that. But it does not have to be that way. I have no clue what you are like in a relationship. Maybe if you give him some space and time and show him that he can be valued and appreciated and cared for by you without crowding each other. He can still be very independent AND be with you.
I’m not sure how long you have known each other though. If this is fairly new, I would suggest to still give him some time. Stay connected and create more memories together. He may just need to get to know you better and you may need to get to know him better too…and slowly the bond will grow and being exclusive with each other can be a natural progression. If however, you feel this is not the time or effort to allow this to happen, then maybe it’s just time for you to consider someone else who is more likeminded.
If you have any other details or info. about your situation, we would love to hear them so we can give you more specific guidance.
Hi Shagun! What a heartbreaking conversation you just had with him. I’m sure you went into a panic mode of some sorts, feeling like he is slipping through your fingers and nothing you said or did could change that. I am so sorry!
It sounds like he is at his end. Whatever is happening at work appears to be much more important than his relationship with you. From what you are saying, he is not communicating his needs very well and maybe you are not communicating your needs along the way very well either….which is probably why you were unkind about the graduation. It sounds like there is a pattern happening and you keep getting hurt.
I want to REALLY REALLY encourage you to not forget about yourself and your needs in the midst of the fear of losing him. He is making a very clear choice…he is choosing his work over connecting with you, making time for you and building a life with you. I wonder how much work is the excuse. I wonder if he is afraid, deep down, to fall madly in love and give everything he has to someone….so work is a PERFECT excuse to not get that close. I cannot speak for him, but either way….HIS ACTIONS are telling you he is not invested in the way you are….and it sounds like it’s been like that for awhile.
So let’s just stay very basic here….put aside the emotion of love and connection you feel when you are together….let’s consider how you are treated when stress shows up:
1. Are you willing to give your heart to a man who does not make time for you?
2. Are you willing to grow your life with a man who disconnects when you confront him and is not a good communicator?
3. Are you willing to give your heart to a man who is not interested in looking at your needs and wanting to grow and be a better partner for you? And seeks to understand you better?
4. Are you okay bonding with a man who CONSISTENTLY chooses work over you? (I can understand if it is temporary) But reality is, if he were really interested in caring about your needs, he would more respond like, “Wow….I am so sorry that you got hurt when I didn’t come to graduation. That breaks my heart. I know I chose work over you. I am in such a tough spot and it makes me feel horrible. I’ll tell you what….let me make it up to you! I want to make you a graduation dinner and celebrate you and your accomplishment. How about Monday night?” Instead, he blamed you, didn’t understand your feelings and started to pull away from you more. His need is more about being “right” and HIS needs vs. really hearing you and connecting with you and your experience. Every situation has 2 sides to the coin and it’s so important that BOTH people sit down and listen and validate each other. This is not who he is….Is this okay for you?
5. Are you okay being with a man you don’t feel okay sharing your feelings with along the way? And so you end up blowing up and saying some unkind remarks and hurting him…are you okay with that pattern inside yourself?Here is the thing….you can do or say anything to get him back, but that will not change that he is who he is right now. You guys will keep looping in the same patterns. You will have needs for connection, communication, growth and building together and he will not. Then something will happen where he will disappoint you again and you will be right back where you are now.
So you have 2 choices:
1. Either accept that his work is more important than you right now. Accept that he is not a very good communicator. Accept that he has little tolerance or need to really be connected to what your needs are right now. Accept that he is not interested in looking into the future with you for right now. Accept that your needs will not be important right now.2. Accept that you have some needs that are totally okay….accept that he is not someone who can meet those needs. He meets a lot of wonderful needs of yours…and there is a lot of good that you have together….AND there is a lot of challenge of which he is not interested in confronting therefore, he is not someone you can grow with. Time to disconnect.
Instead of putting ALL THE POWER into his hands and let him “think” about it…where is your power? This is a design between BOTH of you…this is not just his design. You are handing all your power over to him and letting him create whatever scenario that suits him. Take back your power and exist WITH him, not behind him. Set some boundaries and have some standards…and KNOW THAT EVERY BIT OF IT IS OKAY!!!! Do not apologize or feel bad for having needs, just because they go against his. He obviously does not feel bad for having his needs even though they go against yours! That is a more healthy mindset. Then you both either work on getting on the same page or realize you are on different pages now and it’s time to disconnect.
I am so sorry Shagun. This is tough advice to offer as I know this is not your heart. I know you just want him back and for everything to be okay. I understand that. I wish it were that easy.
Please keep us all updated!! You have our support and help anytime you need it!
Hi Aleksandra!
Man…this one is tough. I am so sorry! Your health challenges are definitely something to consider for a partner. It’s like having a “disability.” Anyone who is in a wheelchair, has missing limbs, has a mental disorder and is on medication…those all affect someone who is in relationship with them….and that someone MUST be okay dealing with the lifestyle and considerations that come along with those physical or emotional challenges.
Your guy has a tough decision to make. He wants children and he wants a woman who does not have any health challenges that could potentially cause a lot of stress.
What I am going to say, is just my opinion, so consider it just that. I could be wrong.
Let him go. The reason I am saying this is that first, he wants 2 children. That is a dream he has probably lived with his entire life. It is deal breaker for couples. Unless 2 people can be on the same exact page for that, it absolutely will create problems in the future. As wonderful as he feels you are, it is possible that when he is 50 or 60 and sees fathers with their kids, he may regret or be resentful that he decided to stay with you. It’s not to say that he couldn’t give up that dream for you. BUT with that being said, he would have to be extremely emotionally connected to himself and have some type of skillset to deal with the loss of that dream in a healthy way. Does that make sense? Also, you do have some limitations having Crohn’s and no thyroid. I understand you are healthy currently. I’m sure he is thinking about 10 years from now…even 20 years….he is struggling with accepting a life with you might mean more difficulty down the road.
Here is the thing…it’s like buying a pair of jeans. You know how you will get 5 pairs of jeans to try on. There are ones that you INSTANTLY know you do not like. Then there are ones that you try on and you just aren’t 100% sold, but you are close. You keep turning in all angles looking in the mirror, feeling like you really like them, but maybe they are just not right around the waist….but you like them….but you are not sure….you know that conversation you have with yourself? Should you buy them, should you not buy them? You are trying to talk yourself into them because they are good enough. But then you try on your last pair of jeans and INSTANTLY you LOVE THEM! Without hesitation, you just know they fit your body perfectly, they are comfortable and nothing is stopping you from getting them.
That’s what I feel relationships are like when we are trying to find our “fit” (for long term relations). People many, many times find that person that is really wonderful, but there are just a few things that keep stopping them from going forward completely. They keep trying and trying to make it work because there are so many wonderful things. And it sounds like that is what is happening here. He feels how wonderful you are, but he has something stopping him. You are both wanting to hold onto all the wonderful things that exist between you guys, but reality is….he has needs that you cannot meet, therefore he is trying to say no to you and yes to himself….but that is extremely difficult considering how he feels towards you. I personally would honor his struggle and let him go. I personally want a man who is so crazy about me that NOTHING is stopping him from moving forward. You need that from him…and if not him, then another man. You need to be those pair of jeans that he instantly tries on and knows, WITHOUT A DOUBT, he is going to buy them. It’s not to say this guy cannot get to this place. Maybe he needs to lose you first to get him there. Maybe not…who knows. This is more about you. This is about you setting a standard and a boundary saying, “I want to be fought for and chosen WITHOUT HESITATION.” And since he is not able to offer that you, then YOU have a decision to make as well.
You might want to watch the movie “Love and Other Drugs.” It’s not exactly your situation, but similar. I thought everything was portrayed so well! The reality of being with someone with a disease and what happens and the choices people have to make. Maybe you guys can watch it together.
Hopefully this gives you some things to think about. We would love an update if you feel like still sharing!
Heidi
