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Hi Riyo!
Thank you for explaining further. There is a belief or thought you are having that I would like to talk to you about first.
Saying that you are the one that pushed him to the other girl, is actually not true. HE made that choice all by himself. I’m sure there are things you have done that may have upset him or made him feel like he was not getting his needs met. However….HE decided to find another girl instead of work through it with you. What happens when you don’t make him happy again? Is it okay if he finds another girl again? Will you be okay with that?
The reality about relationships is that we all have areas of ourselves that are challenging to deal with. You have areas AND he has areas too. The goal is to find someone who is able to accept our less pretty sides and work through it WITH us…and that means that there is communication and honesty with each other. You spend time figuring out TOGETHER how to deal with the rough spots. When a person decides to cheat, they are not working through anything with their partner. They are hiding from their partner and making a decision that is very unkind and hurtful.
You say he is a gentleman and very sweet. I have no doubt that he is! AND he also lied to you and cheated on you. Do not forget that he has a side to himself that is not nice as well. Make sure you keep perspective about the WHOLE person that he is, not just the good parts.
I am still a bit confused. You want him back, but it sounds like he is asking to be back with you but you are holding back your heart. If you want to be back with him, then I imagine if you just say yes, he will be interested in that. Maybe you can sit down and have a very honest conversation with him about what YOU need as well.
Lastly, I want to address your last statement saying you need to “build your personality to better fit with his kindheartedness.” Riyo, you are lovable and worth being with, JUST AS YOU ARE! It sounds like you don’t believe that about yourself. You are wanting to change so he doesn’t look at other women…he only looks at you. If you don’t love yourself and believe that you are the greatest most amazing woman, then how can you expect him to see that about you if you don’t that about you? If you feel like you are bad, a poor girlfriend, not good enough or anything that is negative, then that is how he will see you too. So if you want to change yourself, then work towards loving yourself. One of my favorite people to follow is Brene Brown. She is a researcher and has some incredible things to say about love and relationships. Her website is http://www.brenebrown.com Here is a video to get you started.
Again, we all have challenges that we can work on so we can improve how we interact with people. Anything you feel you need to get better at, work on it because you want to DO IT FOR YOURSELF….not for anyone else. What about him recognizing that he is cheating AND he is trying to get back with you WHILE HE IS STILL WITH THE OTHER GIRL! He is cheating on her too. He doesn’t sound like someone who is very good at communicating and choosing to work through challenges with just one person. He is being very unkind to both of you. I understand you want to be better, but he has to want to be better too. BOTH of you have some things to work on. If you are the only one trying to be better and he is not working to be better as well, your relationship will continue to grow more and more difficulty.
I wish love was enough to make any relationship work, but it isn’t. Relationships work because 2 people are interested in fighting for each other, communicating, learning and growing together. Do you feel like this is the kind of relationship you could have with him?
I hope this helps Riyo. Keep us updated and let us know more thoughts you have!
Heidi
Hi Riyo! I am soooo sorry for what you are going through. When you find out you are being lied to and fooled by the man you love….well it’s like a major punch to the stomach and you can’t breathe. I’m glad to know that you reached out and started learning more about relationships and that the information James teach was able to help you more! That is great news!
I just have a few questions.
1. What did you end up saying to him that made him want you back?
2. You are saying that you want him back even though he is still with that other girl?
3. I am not sure I completely understand what you are wanting help with. Can you explain it in a different way? You said you love him so much and you need him back to “raise” your relationship. But you also said he wants to get back together with you. Can you offer a bit more detail? I feel like we could help you better if you explained more about exactly what you need help with.Thank you Riyo! (I love your name by the way!)
Heidi
Hi Svetlana! You sound very grounded, peaceful and resolved. That is a wonderful place to be, especially coming from feeling like everything was up in the air. I’m so glad you found your resolution!
Best of luck to you!!!
Hi Minh! This is so interesting to me because I was surrounded by boys growing up. I was always “one of the guys” and could easily fit in with any conversation about anything. From my perspective, I do not think it is possible to be just friends with a man when you are having such frequent interactions and sharing very personal information. It’s one thing to meet up once a week and share the personal info, but you guys are having contact every single day and spending hours and hours together. That crosses the line into more romantic behavior.
You ask, what is he doing?? My educated guess is that he is pretty split. Meaning…he has 1 part of himself who wants a wife and children and then he has another part of himself who is having the time of his life with you. I’m sure those 2 sides are battling in his head all the time, just like they are with you. He obviously is letting that side of him who loves being around you, sit in the driver’s seat. And that part of him, for right now, is VERY VERY strong.
I am wondering what is stopping you from having an honest conversation with him, like what Kanya and Svetlana previously suggested. Kanya made a very good point in asking you “can you maintain this level of connection and still be friends?” I know it would hurt badly to lose what has been started. It sounds so wonderful!!! That kind of connection is extremely hard to come by, so when it does happen, man…it can turn your world upside down!!! And in a good way! The danger is you have your split – the part of you that has romantic feelings for him and wanting to keep this connection going and the other part of you that knows this is a slippery slope you are on and nagging at you to disconnect because there are some non-negotiables here.
No matter what he is doing, thinking or feeling, YOU have to decide how to best keep perspective. This is YOUR heart. Who else is going to take care of it, if you don’t? If you are honest with him, then you both get to figure out how to be on the same page, view things from the same perspective and move forward with the design of your relationship together vs. constantly playing this guessing game about what he is doing. Why not just ask him?
I know there is a risk of things changing once you have that open conversation, but if it isn’t that risk, it’s another risk by continuing to bond deeply with a guy who may not be available. I personally like to know sooner than later when it comes to matters of the heart. It is such a precious and valuable part of who we are and it’s important to know that whomever we hand it to, they are able to and interested in taking good care of it in the way that is needed.
Good luck Minh! Very good questions!
Heidi
Hi Modupe! I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this. Of course each situation is completely different and there would be reasons to compromise and sometimes compromise can be very damaging. How the article came across to me was that it is trying to convey not “losing yourself” when in a relationship. Of course there are moments where compromise is needed, but when you are the one compromising a yourself all the time, the potential for being unhappy down the road is pretty high. Isn’t the goal with any relationship, to ADD to each other instead of take away?
Please keep sharing! This is a great topic!
Hi Nicole! What a GREAT question!!! You are on the right track for sure. There is nothing wrong with “mothering” him in the way you are doing it. The kind of mothering that is unhealthy, is when you start to tell him how to be or what to do. That is pestering, nagging and coming across as if you know what’s good for him.
All you are doing is making gestures and letting him know you are still thinking about him, you are okay if he is distracted right now AND you are going to support him through this in whatever way you can.
So this is a great time to ask him, “I know this project is really big. I know I won’t get to see you as much, but that’s okay. Is there anything I can do to help? Can I maybe bring dinner for you one night? How about a foot rub at the end of your day?”
Many men don’t even really connect to what they want, so just asking him will help get his mind thinking about how he can get through this WITH you. If he doesn’t know how you can best support him, then I would continue your concept. Offer small gestures to let him know you are thinking about him and you are still connected even though he is focused right now. You can leave little notes in his wallet, chocolates are great, find out what his favorite snacks are, send him a video of you encouraging him so when it’s 9 at night, he can play it and get a little dose of you.
I don’t know the quality of your relationship or how you guys interact, so you have judge what feels comfortable for you. I mainly want to encourage you to keep your mindset. Keep making simple gestures that will bring a smile to his face every day.
Have fun with this!!! It’s your time to shine and be his support!
Heidi
Hi Viv! I am sooo sorry for what you are going through! It is extremely challenging and painful to care for someone deeply and not have it returned in the same way. You are doing a GREAT job controlling your emotional responses to him. It’s a great thing to feel what you feel, say what you want to say and get a lot of the hurt and frustration out BEFORE you talk to him….so kudos to you!!! Good job! Keep going about it that way. Get all the intensity out so when you talk to him, you are more centered and kind as I’m sure you would wish the same from him.
First, I want to mention that texting is a slippery slope when it comes to communicating feelings or anything of a serious nature. Texts can be interpreted in so many different ways, so BEFORE you get upset about anything he says to you, make sure you ask for clarification. I usually say something like, “hey, what you said seemed … (defensive, sarcastic, smart ass, rude etc.) Am I reading this right? Is that how you meant to come across? You never know in texts, so I thought I would check.” I ALWAYS suggest for those types of conversations to happen over the phone first, but it doesn’t sound like that is always possible for you guys. So, once you know that both of you are on the same page, the topic can be resolved.
There are a few ways you could approach this situation, but I am going to guide you towards being authentic and here is why. If you feel this man is relationship material, honesty with your feelings is important. First, because he will get to see you be honest with him no matter how uncomfortable it is (which builds his trust in you) AND second, you get to see and watch how he handles your honesty (which builds your trust with him – it’s crucial to feel emotionally safe with someone…without that, a relationship cannot thrive)
Being honest also means that there is closure. You are having some intense feelings because you do not exactly know where you stand with him. Yes, he is saying he is not interested in more than a friendship. Then he used the word “love” AND you guys talk every single day. That is a lot of connection going on that many would reserve only for a more intimate relationship. So I can see why you are a bit confused. He may not realize what he is doing and that is where an honest conversation can be good for you guys.
Lastly, I wish there were some type of formula to make someone return our feelings. Anything is possible, but it is not possible by “making” someone do anything. Wouldn’t it be amazing that the next man who falls in love with you, does so because he loves the person you are? It’s an effortless thing for him to be crazy about you! He is inspired by you and wants to be around you, because he just loves being around you! You don’t have to DO or MAKE him feel those ways…I imagine this is what you truly want to feel from your guy.
You can say something to this effect: “Hey xyz….Yes…I do have romantic feelings for you. I have really enjoyed our daily connection and friendship we have developed over this last year. This doesn’t mean I want to hop into a relationship with you…it just means I was looking forward to getting to know you in person and seeing where it went from there. I am open to the possibilities. So it hurt when you closed the door and put me in the friend category.” That’s a good place to start….who knows where the conversation will go, but at least you both will be on the same page and can work from there.
If he still is only interested in friendship, I would suggest to disconnect for awhile so you can heal and close your heart off to idea of him. Otherwise, your feelings will keep getting fed (and hurt) the more you connect. I have had to do that before and as horribly hard as it is, I am always thankful down the road that I protected my heart from a man who was not interested. It’s not to say you cannot be friends in the future, it just means taking time away for a bit.
Of course there are other ways to approach this situation, as you outlined above. I am a HUGE fan of authenticity, even if it means I get rejected, but that is my own personal spirit and how I coach people. I feel there is great strength in being able to be who you really are with someone. He sounds like he is really wanting honest from you, so the more authentic you are, the more respect he will have for you.
Good luck!!! Heidi
Hi Svetlana!
I am so sorry! It hurts so much to invest in someone and not have them invest in us back to the same level. Be kind to yourself. Your efforts and connection with him this past year may not be turning out how you wanted, but you being mad at yourself only magnifies and intensifies all the feelings you are having right now. Stay WITH yourself…meaning accept your choices and appreciate all the wonderful things you got to experience. Reality is, you have no control over where a relationship ends up, because he gets to choose his own design as well. You can influence and inspire the direction, but ultimately, BOTH people need to continue to be on the same page in order to keep moving forward.
It just sounds like he is not on the same page as you. You have desires that he is not ready to meet. Just like Kanya said, everyone processes and deals with loss in different ways. You handled your loss by looking for someone new. Other people handle loss by never wanting to fall in love again and would rather be alone. There is no right or wrong way to go about it. Just different ways. He may be that kind of person who needs more time to heal. If he won’t talk to you about any of this and you are not willing to move forward with him by having an LDR, then it sounds like you have made your decision, but having a hard time following through on the terms you have laid out. I know how horribly challenging it is to decide to disconnect from someone you deeply care about. It just may be that time to let him know that you want more and have made several attempts to have a conversation about it, but he is avoiding. His avoidance only leads you to believe he is not interested in moving in together, so it’s time to disconnect.
I wish you the best Svetlana! My heart goes out to you.
Heidi
Hi Svetlana! I am new to this conversation, but I can definitely feel your challenge! I can see that you care very much and doing everything you know how to keep this relationship going. You are quite the warrior! You are not giving up without trying everything possible to be happy and that is a wonderful quality to have!
Let’s see if we can try a different angle here.
It is plainly obvious he is avoiding this topic and not interested in talking about it. You have given him the ultimatum and he is not responding to that. There is a reason for his avoidance, but what could it possibly be? I know you think it could be that he does not want to create a future with you. That could be true, but my sense is….if he did not want to be with you and create a future with you, he would not continue to reach out and visit you and make plans with you. What if there is another reason, completely unrelated to you? What if there is a deep reason he is not even consciously aware of?
There are 2 ways you can approach this:
1. What about taking the approach of curiosity. When I notice someone avoiding direct questions, I usually like to take the back door in. I ask questions about their life, their past, their beliefs. Many times, I stumble across a belief they have about marriage, for example, that completely made sense as to why they avoided answering my direct question. Their belief comes from somewhere…a memory from their past, something they were role modeled, something they experienced, then that memory gets imprinted and their belief system forms and gets validated throughout their life. Sometimes it is not even a conscious belief system. Either way, have you ever asked deeper questions surrounding this topic of love and relationship? You can ask things like: Did he like his parent’s marriage? What was his reputation with the ladies in high school? In college? How did he know he wanted to marry his x-wife? Did he think on the day of the wedding that it would not last? Does he believe love can last forever? Have him describe the kind of mate he would wish to fall in love with his kid. What are some of the worst moments in his relationships? What are some of the best memories? These are all very indirect questions around the topic of dating and relationships and love. Nothing direct, but you will get an idea about how he has been shaped in his life. It might help shed some light on possible fears he may have about moving in with you. What if he really cares about you and DOES want to be with you, but there is an underlying fear that if he really commits and jumps all the way in, he may lose you. He could feel that if you really saw who he is, how he lives on a daily basis, you might not end up liking him! My point being…you never know why someone is behaving the way they are until you get more information. So my main suggestion is to stop putting your own reasons (he does not want a future with you) of why he is not responding and get to know his beliefs, his fears, his experiences around love. It’s quite the fun journey and I imagine you will enjoy those conversations!
2. You keep saying you cannot do LDR, but like it was pointed out before, YOU ARE DOING IT! I have a very close friend who has been doing the LDR thing with her fiancé for 12 years now. It is a 7 hour day, airport to airport for her. She spends every other weekend with him and many times, they throw in extra trips. She is incredibly happy and so is he! They do plan to eventually live in the same space, but they both have children from their past marriages that keep them where they are at. My point being, they BOTH just focus on what they DO HAVE and not what they don’t have. Each time they are together, they have a blast! I have seen them together many times and they are madly in love! There is no pressure on either end for anything to be different. You know why? They both are committed to each other and they accept their current situations as is. It will change, but for now, it is what it is. I would like to invite you to maybe consider that you CAN do LDR. Whatever happened in your past is over. You have a brand new situation here. You are not willing to disconnect, so why not let go of your idea of what the relationship should look like. Can you feel good about you and him together just as is? Can you focus on what you do have for right now? He is still making a lot of effort to stay connected!! That means somethings! That is him telling you he still really cares about you and wants to spend time with you! The challenge in relationship is to be able to go with flow when it bumps up against what you want and need. An important skill is to be able to be flexible. He decided to move, so you either choose to let go, or figure out a way to be much more present and not so focused on the future. When you focus on what exists TODAY, you will have so much more fun!!! You keep focusing on how he is avoiding your questions, but then you miss everything wonderful you DO have together in the moment. Are you willing you shift your perspective?
Maybe you can even say something like this: “Listen. I know you have been feeling pressure from me to move in with you or the relationship is over. I have decided that I love you. I want to keep loving you. (then tell him all the wonderful reasons why you love him- let him know how he ADDS to your life) Then say, I am not going to put pressure on you anymore. You are worth the LDR and although my timing and readiness is different than yours….for now, I am okay with that. I want you to be comfortable and easy with me, so I’m going to let this go. We will see what ends up happening, but for now, I am so thankful I still get to see you and spend time with you.”
Hopefully this approach brings you what you are looking for!! Good luck Svetlana and keep working at it!
Heidi
Hi Jeannette!
Wow! I can definitely see why you are really confused and feeling frustrated that nothing is working. I am wondering if he has been officially diagnosed with NPD or you are saying that because he has those characteristics? I’m guessing the latter because if he is an NPD, he would not have ever gone to see a therapist to get the diagnosis.
Either way, I am wondering how you feel about having “rules” about how you are allowed to be and function in a relationship. Is that how you imagine your ideal relationship to be like? Are you okay being in a relationship where you fight every week about the same thing? With everything you said, it sounds like you don’t feel heard, validated or cared about. I am so sorry! It hurts when those needs don’t get met from the man in your life.
I want to maybe shift your focus a bit. Would you consider that maybe this is not about what you are doing right or wrong? We all do things well and not well in relationships…ALL THE TIME!!! It’s just part of life. It’s more about what happens WHEN we mess up. How do we treat each other? With respect or disregard? With kindness or meanness? With understanding and connection or disconnect and anger? When you ask what you are doing wrong, you are taking responsibility for HIS CHOICES and reactions and how he treats you. Do you really think you have any control over him in that way? A person’s reaction is on them and no one else. How someone chooses to handle their own emotions is their responsibility. What you do need to take ownership of is how you allow yourself to be treated as well as how you respond in your emotional reactions to him. That is all you have control over.
If he is what you say, there is no technique in the world that can change what he is. He is who he is. From the conversation you described above, he is not being kind. He seems like he is only interested in being right vs. wanting to connect with you and your experiences. What is keeping you tied to a man who is not interested in your experience and what you need or want? You are here searching for help and advice. Has he ever made any effort to learn or become a better partner for you? Has he ever asked you, what am I doing wrong and how can I be better?
I would suggest different kinds of reading for you. What if you got a deeper understanding about what it means to be in a relationship with a narcissist? There are a million books out there about this particular topic, as it is a common challenge these days. This will better serve you instead of figuring out how to change or use a technique to make him happy….because if he is a true narcissist, none of that will work anyways.
I would also suggest to maybe learn what IS possible. I love following Dr. John Gottman. He did a 20 year study on couples asking the question, what makes a relationship last? (more than 20 years) And he didn’t look at people who just stayed together, he was interested in couples who lasted 20 or more years and were actually happy! YES! THAT DOES EXIST!! He wanted to know what they were doing to make it last that long. He has incredible research, advice and guidance as to what qualities need to be in a relationship in order for it to be healthy and last a long time. I will share with you that 1 characteristic required is that in the worst moments and challenges, BOTH people treat each other with respect and kindness. If those qualities did not exist between the couple (during arguments, disappointment and challenges), the relationship did not last.
I know I did not offer any particular technique for you, but I hope I at least gave you a different way to look at and deal with your situation.
I wish you the very best! Heidi
Hi Tammy! I am so sorry for what you are going through! I am glad you came here to ask for advice. You may feel fragile, but it also takes great strength to be vulnerable and ask for help…so do not forget you are strong as well!
I am a little confused about some of the information at the end. You said you lost twin. Does that mean you lost a child or twins in childbirth, before they were born or did something horrible happen? (no need to share your personal details to that extent, I am just wanting to understand the basics) And at the end you are saying you nurture a lot because you naturally like to help people? Is that what you meant? I hope I am understanding correctly. If you could clarify, it would help!
Let me just start by saying this is quite the difficult situation to be “friends with benefits” with a man who you really care about and have been in a relationship with before (especially if children were involved). “Friends with benefits” situations can be so tricky. Men and women tend to experience those type of situations quite differently, as in your case. He is okay with being intimate with you every once in awhile and then disconnecting and building his dream life away from you. You, on the other hand, are connecting with him on a much deeper level. He is getting his needs met and you are not. Have you ever sat down with him and had a deeper conversation about what happened in the past? Does he know how you really feel about him?
A healthy relationship is about giving AND receiving. It sounds like you are just giving and not receiving much, because you are afraid to lose him. This is quite the challenge and I am so sorry you are having to face this. Trust in yourself, that no matter how this turns out, you will be okay! You will figure out how to get back up on your feet and keep moving forward!
Being a nurturing person and taking care of people is an absolutely wonderful quality!!! I’m wondering if you are putting yourself on the list to take care of as well….and not at the bottom of the list, but at the top of the list. When you love and take care of yourself first, then you are able to nurture and help others with a full tank of gas vs. running on fumes.
So my first suggestion is to see what you can do to start to take care of yourself more, even when you are with him. Get out a pen and paper and write down some ways that you can nurture yourself and tape it up somewhere where you see it on a daily basis (bathroom mirror maybe?). Practicing nurture on a daily basis is an incredibly powerful and healing practice! I do small things like buying beautiful flowers, watching movies with powerful messages, going for long walks, reading romance novels, coloring in a coloring book, learning a new creative artful skill, dance to my favorite songs, write in my journal, light candles and listen to jazz…and the list goes on. Create your list and aim for at least doing 1 of those things EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!
My second suggestion may be a bit difficult to swallow. Being that you have had a relationship before AND it sounds like there was some trauma and it has not been resolved, maybe it’s time for you to consider setting some boundaries. DO NOT try to compare or be anyone (that girl from grade school he is pursuing) different than who you are! You are worth loving and fighting for just as you are! I’m sorry he is not doing that for you. So if he won’t fight for you, what about you fighting for you? Setting boundaries can empower you. You are meeting his needs, so maybe it’s time you get your needs met. And if he is not willing to meet those needs, the hardest part will be to let him go. The hardest part will be to love yourself so much, that you are not willing to give your heart to a man who is not willing to take SUPER AMAZING CARE of it! If you do decide to set some boundaries and talk with him, I suggest writing down and getting VERY CLEAR about what exactly you NEED (not want) from him. Do you want a committed relationship? Do you want to see him more frequently? Do you want to grow with him? If yes, then how? Make sure you know EXACTLY what you NEED (not want) in order to continue moving forward with him. If he is not willing, then you either disconnect and let him go, or decide you are not quite ready to take that step and continue on his terms. That is completely your choice and only you will know what you are able to do. Whatever you choose, the MOST IMPORTANT part is to love yourself through it. If you stay, keep loving and nurturing yourself anyways! If you disconnect, love and nurture yourself! I think this is the most important part for you!
I really wish there were an easy fix to this. This particular situation sounds like there is some past challenges that are pretty big, so that changes the dynamics about everything. Unless BOTH people are willing to work through those challenges and be honest about it all (with the help of a 3rd person is best), then it may be time to disconnect and allow yourself to heal completely.
I wish you the very best Tammy!
Heidi
Hi Amanda! I can see why you are confused! There seems to be a lot of mixed messages and that is frustrating!
The biggest challenge I have found with online dating is that a connection and attraction can happen without actually meeting in person. I’m glad to hear you feel connected to him, but your feelings are not based in reality. You are emotionally and sexually involved with a person you have never met…which means you are emotionally bonding to the “story” or “fantasy” you have created about him, NOT THE REAL PERSON HE IS.
There is also a reality that many people online are not who they say they are. They present different pictures or a fake profile of some sort or maybe they are actually already in a relationship and looking for “sexting.” Who knows! Anything is possible through technology. The fact that you have been interacting for 8 months and he has not been willing to meet up with you…well, that is a HUGE red flag!
You could go about this 2 different ways, depending on what you are willing to deal with:
1. Change your expectations: Keep sexting and expect nothing more from him than what he offers. Would you be willing to continue dating other people as well so you keep your options open and look for someone who is completely open to getting to know you in person?
2. Refrain from sexting with him and set a boundary. You will not continue sexting until you meet in person. You could always start by saying something to the affect, “I like you and I enjoy our conversations! It’s time to meet in person though. I am not willing to continue until this happens. When would you like to meet up?” This option is asking him to finally decide. Either move forward by meeting in person, or disconnect and stop using you. It will show his true intentions, which I imagine you really want to know anyways.
Your heart is so valuable! You are giving him your emotions, your connection, your time, your heart….that’s worth a million bucks! Maybe it’s time for you to require more from him if you are going to keep this going.
Good luck! I would love to hear about what happens!
