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Hi Aura,
I’m glad to hear that you are not taking this too seriously. I want to support what Kanya is advising. It helps a lot to have your attention divided and distracted by other experiences of dating. Those other experiences are amazing at giving you perspective as well as not bombarding 1 guy with all of your attention and desires when he is not ready for that.
I’m sorry you were disappointed about Jame’s magic text not working like you thought. When you are dealing with people and romance and love, theories, techniques, skills are all unpredictable. There are strong patterns, there are techniques that work a lot, but because each person is different, each situation is different, the way the techniques are delivered is different, you just never know how something is going to turn out. I know the magic text technique is actually quite powerful and works most of the time. It may end up working later on down the road when you both are in a different mindset, so don’t negate this technique entirely…keep it in your back pocket for future use!
Keep us updated and keep asking us questions! We are here to help and give you new ideas!
Heidi
Hi Cara!
Wow! Well said! I am soooo honored to have been able to help you find a bit more peace through all of this and validate what you already know inside of yourself. You are INCREDIBLY strong to take this approach, as it is the toughest road, but the road that will yield you the most results and highest rewards. Few people are willing to take this path. It’s a bummer…and it can be quite lonely at times, but let me tell ya, it is worth every bit challenge. It is a road less traveled, but what you get to see, experience and understand about your life is worth a million bucks! The quality of your relationships will sky rocket, the quality of your love and happiness will grow beyond what you even imagined…and most of all, you will give your son an incredible example of what is possible….and you will be able to help him through this life in such a powerful and unique way. My mother was that for me and because she could provide that for me…a path to my deeper self and a ways to heal in healthy ways…the quality of my life and the internal strength I have now…feels absolutely wonderful…and now I get to turn around and help affect hundreds of lives because of it. Your choices have that kind of power!!!!
Your biggest fear is valid. What I want you to focus on is finishing the story. When you stop the sentence at, “What if he is not the one?” Then it leaves you with fear….but what if you said, “What if he is not the one? I will be okay. I will find love again and it will be powerful. I will find happiness, peace and freedom even if he is not the one….because I am that powerful, I am that strong and I can create any kind of experience I wish to have.” Now when you say it like that, it doesn’t seem so scary does it? It sounds empowering. It is truth and truth is strong and unbreakable. Live from the truth and not from the lies of the fear. Every time you have this fear come up, you follow it with the truth!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
I am beyond proud of you. I have a lot of respect for your choices and the strength to focus your energies on your healing. Everything will turn out how it will and no matter what that is, because of your choice to heal first and foremost, you will find the many gifts that are waiting for you!
We are here for you if you need anything else!!!
Hi Suzanne,
I just want to say something really quick.
Of course you are miserable without him. Don’t forget you were miserable with him as well….that is why you left in the first place. ANYONE would be miserable without their person after being with them for 10 years and then finding out his choice is to be with a 20 year old. It is your misery and need to get out of pain that is the main driving force for you to get him back.
The moment someone tells me that “I cannot be happy without him…I am miserable without him…I don’t know how to live my life without him…” That is the moment I begin to really help them heal and focus on themselves BEFORE going after their person. Those types of thoughts tell me that you believe your happiness and quality of living is wrapped up in this guy. You do not know your happiness separate than him….and that is where it becomes more unhealthy.
This is why both Kanya and I keep asking you to SLOW DOWN and focus on yourself first! I am guessing this does not interest you in the least, since you do not acknowledge any of our comments about this. You seem to only be interested in getting him back and that is all that matters to you. The danger in this is no different than an addict. An addict is emotionally hurting and all they can think about is getting relief from their pain and nothing else matters. They are not interested in doing the REAL work to help themselves heal, they are only interested in getting out of pain, as fast as possible. So they get what they want somehow, but still end up in the same place they started. This is the cycle you are in right now. You are looking for pain relief and you believe the only way to get out of pain is to get him back….and this is simply not true. YOU are the one responsible for your happiness…that is NOT HIS JOB!!! Are you not interested in figuring this part of your life out?
I want you to get him back, but I don’t want you to get him back just to end up back here and the only way for that to happen that you have any control over, is really look at yourself and do some soul searching. The first place I want to invite you to start working on believing is that even though you are in misery without him, YOU WILL BE OKAY!!! You keep ending the story there….”I am miserable without him” and that’s it. How about finishing the story and creating a different ending?? “I am miserable without him AND I will be okay…AND I can still find peace, happiness, freedom and healing.” THAT is a true statement. THAT is the full story! If you would like to be swallowed up by your misery and let it control your life, then finish the story where you have been finishing it. But if you are interested in developing your inner strength, your OWN happiness separate than anyone else….then work on changing your story. You may not feel instant changes, but the more you keep saying over and over and over again the FULL STORY, the more it will help your deep psyche believe it.
I think it is a very good sign that he asked that girl about your text. Of course he cares. He probably asked because he doesn’t trust what you said. What woman in her right mind would not be angry that her man of 10 years is hooking up with a 20 year old??? So I’m guessing he is not trusting a word you said, or is at least extremely cautious….for a valid reason.
I still think you need to stay away for a bit. This particular issue that caused him to disconnect in the first place is feeling like he was being “pushed.” So by constantly creating situations to connect, he will not trust it, he will not trust your intentions and he will have his guard up. I’m not saying to NOT go through the rewrite method…I’m saying, go through the rewrite METHOD in SUPER SLOW MOTION. You have got to build trust back up with him. And that means giving him a TON of space and not giving him reasons to be suspicious. If you keep contacting him a few times a week, he will know you are trying to stay connected and get him back. Again…let him miss you!!! Let him feel the absence of you!! Let him see you figure your life out without him! This, more than anything will make him respect you more vs. being a girl he can come back to easily, once the 20 year old is out of the picture. He won’t respect you that way. You are an easy target which sends the message to him that he can do whatever he wants and still have you in his back pocket. He will respect your strength more than your desperation to have him back. I imagine that would be important to you. So wait a few weeks and THEN contact him and ask him for help with something. Does this make sense??
You can do this Suzanne! Face your misery head on and make a very conscious choice to not be controlled and run by that misery. You CHOOSE, every second of every single day…that you are going to be okay even though you feel misery. YOU ARE MORE THAN THIS MISERY!!! You are more than the loss of him, you are more than the hurt you feel!!!
Keep sticking with us if you can….Kanya and I will keep working you through this!!!
Heidi
I am not saying, at all, that you shouldn’t be with him. What I am saying is that you need to find yourself first. You need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can be happy without him. Yes, that takes time, but it’s possible. You need to know that you can love again. You need to know that you will be okay, whether or not he chooses to come back again. When you have those kinds of beliefs at the center of who you are, then you have healthy, clear thinking to make your decisions from. Right now, all you feel is misery and hurt….right now…all you know is that you want to get out of your misery and you belief that getting him back is the only option. What BOTH Kanya and I keep telling you….is to be with YOURSELF! Do not be afraid of the misery! Work with it, be in relationship with it instead of fighting it and doing everything you can to get away from it. You will find an incredible amount of strength when you face what you are afraid of….being without him. When you find out and actually believe and know that you are okay without him, when and if he does come back, your relationship will function at a much higher level….more healthy…more authentic….more independence emotionally….you have 2 people that have individual lives, love each other with everything they have….but also know how to stand on their own 2 feet without the other person should something happen. That is a strong, healthy relationship!
The last thing I want to say is that he seems like he is in a state of not trusting right now. The fact that he
Hi Nguyen!
How confusing! He was warm with you for quite awhile and then just went cold? Your connection with him sounds pretty amazing. There have been some typical ups and downs, but it sounds like you guys got through those pretty well.
Is there anything you can think of that would have triggered is need to distance? Have you guys officially said to each other that you were breaking up? Have you directly asked him why he is not saying anything about having a girlfriend? Instead of asking what you did wrong (which is assuming quite a bit) you just ask with curiosity…”Hey…this is what I noticed and it makes me wonder. I am not offended, I actually am just curious and want to learn more about you. Is there a reason you do not post anything about me? I feel like I am an important part of your life and part of this dream and your partner in all of this…at least as much as I can be. What is stopping you from posting about me?” Hopefully you would get an honest answer.
I have been around plenty of fitness / bodybuilding competitors. During season, they are some of the most unstable people I know. The amount of lifting, chemicals in their body, hormone changes that are happening, makes them behave in ways that make it hard to be in relationship with them. Outbursts of anger, mood swings like crazy, thinking isn’t very clear….I am wondering if this may be what has influenced him. If not that, there definitely is something going on.
Do you know anything about his past relationship history? Do you know if he has this kind of pattern? Where he all of a sudden starts to pull away? Has he posted anything about past girlfriends before? Personally, I do not post anything public about my life unless it’s a more neutral topic. I am an extremely private person, so his reasons may be as simple as that.
It is EXTREMELY difficult for any of these techniques to work unless there is contact with each other. It sounds like he may have moved on. I know you feel like he is the person you want to end up with, but let me ask you this….do you imagine the person you end up with bailing on you and disconnecting and not willing to work through whatever they are feeling? I know he felt perfect for you, but “perfect” is only perfect until it is not. Perfect is not a lasting thing and will not keep a relationship running. What keeps a relationship going is how people treat each other in the worst moments. If there is respect, communication and a willingness to grow….then that is a relationship that has a SOLID foundation. If there is disconnect, no communication and no willingness to grow….no matter how many perfect moments you have, there is not solid foundation…because when something hard shows up, there is nothing to support your relationship. I always coach people to not only give the good times credibility but also to look at the not so good times. It is EXTREMELY important that you pay close attention to how are treated, how they treat themselves, how they treat others, how they handle the stress….if, during that time, you could still call your relationship “perfect” then awesome! I just want you to really think about the kind of guy you are wanting to chase after.
It’s hard to advise you if I don’t know what caused the distance. There are several ways to go about getting your guy’s attention (if he still feels a connection with you). You can be more distant and let him feel the loss of you. You can ask for help and activate the “hero.” You can apologize for whatever you think you did wrong….offering a compliment is obviously not working though. When you do have contact, I know he says he is busy, but who initiates it? Are you always the one contacting him? And what do you guys talk about? Logistical stuff or friend kind of stuff?
I think that most of all, this is going to be a process for you to get him back, if that is possible. It might take awhile before he is willing to open up with you again, so keep having patience. If you are too available for him and willing to jump right back into a relationship without him needing to chase you a bit…most guys would not be so interested. Plus he is an athlete and so are you. You know how rewarding it is to conquer something you have worked for. If it comes too easy, it doesn’t have the appeal. So play hard to get. Reward him when he does make contact. Then pull back a bit again…then reward him.
Plus, this is a good time for you to do some soul searching about the kind of girlfriend you are. Maybe look at the areas that you felt you were not so good at…recognize where you felt you did really well. If he does end up coming back, you will have grown, improved your weaknesses and limitations and then it will make the relationship that much more “perfect.”
We would love to hear more thoughts and any other details you are willing to offer!
Heidi
Hi Suzanne…
I want you to really look at something here. And understand that this is not at all about discouraging you to fight for him. This is about you seeing a VERY CLEAR picture about the kind of man you have chosen. When you have this clear picture, THEN you can love him unconditionally.
Let me mirror back to you what you are saying about him and I’ll throw in some comments along the way:
1. He did not want to get married again because his first wife was awful and he was “forced” to marry her. First, he made that CHOICE! He is a grown man and is not a victim. There are plenty of people who don’t get married even if there is a child involved. So for him to use that as an excuse is a weak attempt at best. He had a choice. Second…he is dragging this fear around like a huge backpack. He is wearing it all day, every day….his fear of getting married again….his fear of being “pushed.” It’s sad really…because it is not allowing him to see you for YOU. He is seeing and treating you as if you were his ex-wife. He won’t marry you after 10 YEARS!!! What more does he need in order to feel safe moving forward with you? Have you ever asked him that? This fear of his is controlling his life and instead of facing his fear and dealing with it head on….he is running and then blaming you for pushing too hard. Again…I don’t know what or how you “pushed”….all I know is that part of why he is running from you started waaaaaaay before he met you. He is carrying the past wounds with him like his little blanket…and he thinks that it is going to keep him safe….when in reality, it is preventing him from growing.
So I am going to say this again to you….THIS IS WHO HE IS!!!! He is showing you that he is not a forgiving kind of guy…that he holds onto things…and if you push too much, he will rebel and run. I know you think you really hurt him when you left, but remember he also TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!!! HE DID NOT TRY AND STOP YOU – HE TOLD YOU GO!! You offered to stay and fight for your relationship and he said no. So really, you did not leave him. He was the one who designed this. So even if you do get him back, I would bet a million bucks you guys will go through this same type of pattern again at some point….it may look different, but at the core, it will be the same…him running from facing his fear. That makes for a relationship that does not have a solid foundation to stand on. So as you move forward with this…know that this is what YOU are choosing. You are not a victim of his choices. You are now making a very clear choice of fighting for a man who is not even willing to fight for himself, much less you. And that’s okay….you get to do that!!
2. I am very suspicious of him running away because you wanted to do things with him and fixing up the house. Those are very normal needs in a relationship. Are you telling me you want to give up those needs? There is just something that really feels “off” about all of this. You wanted to get married after 10 years….absolutely normal and reasonable….you wanted to spend more time with him….absolutely normal and reasonable…you wanted him to fix up the house….very normal and reasonable….I am thinking that you fell for a guy that is not really interested in fully committing or deepening your love together because he is so controlled by his fear, or there is something else going on here that is bigger than these very normal and reasonable requests from you. If it is the first option, I again want to emphasize, no matter how much you love him, you are fighting for a guy who is limited in the “Love” department. He is only going to go so far with you. This fear and this need to “rebel” against your needs by hooking up with a 20 year old…well, that says plenty.
I’m sure there are things that you have done to contribute to him distancing himself. I have no clue what those are, so again….do some serious soul searching as to how you have shown up in the relationship the past 3 years that was not in a healthy way. It is the only way to make sure you don’t fall into that same pattern again.
I know you want “to do” something to actively get him back and you think that it involves him. I again want to emphasize, leave him be. If he felt pushed and it caused him to run, give him the opposite experience. Let him do what he wants. He is going to do it anyways, but if you keep trying to involve yourself in this experience of his, it most likely will just cause him to go further away from you because you are just doing what you have always done with him…”push.”
I know you want a different answer. I know you want some magical words or techniques to get his attention off this 20 year old and back to you. I don’t blame you one bit! This will be a very hard journey for you. Go work on yourself. Go improve your qualities, your communication, do some deep soul searching and grow. THAT IS WHERE YOUR ATTENTION NEEDS TO BE. Again, let him go through this phase with peace. The more you push, the more he will want to stay with her. The more you pull yourself away, the more he will be left with a 20 year old that will eventually get boring. She will probably get bored of him first actually. Let it ride itself out naturally. Let him feel everything he needs to feel without you meddling. He blames his ex-wife into “forcing” him to marry her….don’t let him blame you for anything about this. Let him feel the FULL FORCE of his choices without you being involved. Does this make sense?? He will learn his lessons much sooner this way!
Hang in there Suzanne. This is a WONDERFUL opportunity for you to develop your skills of patience, forgiveness and acceptance…those are the hardest qualities to embody when we are not getting what we want. But if you can embody those qualities when you are feeling your worst…then you have truly grown and can handle ANY situation with grace.
Keeping writing to us!!! Keep spillin’ the beans! We are a safe place to challenge, to have your thoughts and emotions and to ask all the questions you want!
Heidi
oops! sorry! I hit the wrong button and sent the prior message without finishing my final thoughts.
What I mainly want you to REALLY think about and consider is….do you really think he is a good partner for you? You are seeing how he is responding to stress. He has an affair and he has had no interest in joining you with a 3rd party person to help. He is showing you, that when something gets hard, he is going to mis-lead you and make unhealthy decisions that act more as a Band-Aid vs. really working on his challenges in a meaningful way. I imagine you don’t want a guy who will bail on you when it gets tough…because it will get tough…a million more times! So if he does end up coming back at some point, I suggest you guys going to counseling again….or maybe see someone separately, or go through a few books together. BOTH of you need to develop a different skillset to handle stress. If you just go back to your old patterns, you guys will just end up in the same spot you are now….apart. Does this make sense?
Finally….I do not feel your relationship is beyond repair. I think that if you work on your forgiveness and work on healing your hurt and the betrayal and you make that your FOCUS….you have the best chance possible. That will raise your energy, that will make your interactions with him more peaceful and again, he may actually learn from you. This is something you BOTH will have to do anyways in order to get back together in a healthier way. So instead of thinking about how to get him back in your life as soon as possible, which I guarantee would cause an incredible amount of chaos and drama since he is pretty miserable right now, have the strength and patience to let him heal, to let yourself heal and THEN….you guys can naturally come back together because all the gunk is cleared away vs. getting back together because you want to be relieved of the pain of being without him.
I know this is EXTREMELY hard!!! Love him enough to give him space to do his thing. Love yourself enough to work towards healing the hurt. Love your son enough to heal. He needs at least 1 healthy parent and role model to show him how to handle stress in a healthy way vs. the Band-Aid way.
I am so sorry you are going through this! Please keep us updated with more questions, thoughts, challenges you are facing. We are here to help you through this!
Heidi
Oh Cara! I am so sorry!! I know how completely shocking and life changing it is to hear someone finally have the strength to be honest…and that honesty goes against everything they were portraying and saying to you prior. It hits very deep in the heart to be fooled like that.
I’m sad that he is making these kind of choices. It sounds like he is deeply unhappy and this other woman is like a band-aid for him. They have no negative history together and I am sure she is a great support for his misery. A relationship like this will have MANY of its own problems that show up at some point.
I am glad you are able to look at yourself and see how your choices affected him. That is the BEST thing you can do to grow. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly know how. You even hired a coach to help you through this tough time. Well done!
As far as saving your marriage, nobody can tell you that. What I do know, from what you are telling me, is that he is pretty miserable and depressed. It sounds like he has quite a bit of baggage that he has to deal with if he is ever going to be a good father, a good partner, a happy person. It also sounds like he would rather be in his misery than to really face the darker side of himself. He would rather have an affair than to try and get some real help that is going to make the deeper changes.
To be honest, I think for right now, you need to solely focus on your own healing and NOT getting him to come back to you. I understand you both love each other, but that love is not functional at the moment. He needs to deal with whatever past stuff is blocking him from his happiness. He needs to be able to forgive you for your limitations and choices from the past…and it sounds like that is not the kind guy he wants to be right now. So let him retreat. Let him go deal with this the way he needs to….on his own. The more you try to connect or “force” him to do anything, the more he will become resentful.
If you give him some space, he will feel like he can breathe again and will be able to figure this stuff out, the way HE wants to….not the way YOU want him to. Let him go. THEN….maybe down the road he will be more interested in coming back….because you gave him the space he needed…you respected HIS desires and HIS way to process his stuff. He tried it your way and did not respond. So let him try it his way.
Your job for right now, is to work on forgiving him….forgiving him for this continued affair, forgiving him for not fighting for you and your son, forgiving him for hurting you….forgiving him for fooling you all this time and choosing to run vs. being more authentic. There is a lot of hurt here and the very first step is to work with that hurt and freeing yourself up from all the low self-esteem that gets activated from a situation like this. THEN….you can begin to make more clear decisions about what works for you.
Do everything you can to set boundaries from a clear mind…not an angry mind that is punishing him for hurting you. This is why forgiveness is crucial, as he is still a dad and wants a relationship with his son. When you let go of the yucky stuff about all of this, the boundaries you set will be more healthy. And it will take some time….and you will have to forgive him every single day….and that’s okay….you fight for yourself. You fight for clearing all the gross, heavy emotions that you are feeling so you can be a better mom and a better team player with your husband.
And when you do that, he not only will see and feel you shifting (which may inspire him to fight for himself) but your interactions will be better and more healthy and he will feel more safe to be around you.
For right now, keep it light with him. Stay away from deep heavy thoughts. Go deal with all of your emotion on your own and keep getting some help for yourself. He already is so full of depressions and hurt and to add your hurt on top of it, is going to only take him deeper into his misery.
Hi Princess! Would you be willing to share more details? Is there something that happened that caused a separation? Is there a reason you guys are not talking?
No one can predict what a person will do. The best any of us can do is to put ourselves out there in some form or fashion and hope that we get the response we are looking for. The rest is up to the other person. If he isn’t responding, you may want to look at what would make him not respond? That’s why it would help us advise you more if we knew why you guys were not talking. There may be a different way to approach getting him to communicate with you.
Hope to hear back from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Suzanne. Thank you for explaining in more detail about what caused the break up. It makes more sense now. Which one did you text him? The one saying he didn’t need to avoid you? I also want to strongly encourage you NOT to text him things like that. Anything of that nature, CALL him. It will help for him to hear your voice…your compassion…your kindness and acceptance. Words are so much more powerful when there is a voice put to them. Besides, he will believe you much more when he hears your voice vs. a text.
I have a few questions for you. I want you to do the best you can to put aside your need to have him back and be as objective as you possibly can….and then we can go from there.
1. Why do you think he did not want to get married? You guys have been together 10 years. To me, that raises a GIANT red flag. If he is not willing to marry you after 10 years (which 7 years is a common law marriage anyways), then I imagine he has no interest in marriage at all….probably ever. What do you think that’s about for him?
2. If you want him back, are you okay not getting married? You really would have to let go of that idea. You really truly need to make sure that the thought of getting married to him completely goes away. Do not get him back and then start asking this from him again a year later. He made it very clear he is not “ready” (not sure what there is left to be ready for) so that means that if he ever does become ready, HE needs to initiate the process totally and completely. You stay away from the subject and let that dream go. He needs to have you accept him completely for where he is at and who he is. If you cannot do this, then you really need to consider letting him go.
It sounds like he felt a lot of “nagging” from you even beyond your desire to get married. I’m not sure what any of it was about, but you also need to get clear about those topics as well. It sounds like he is not interested in compromising on the subjects you “pushed him” about. I want you to consider this as well. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend 20 more years with? You told him you wanted to fight for the relationship to get better and he told you to leave since that’s what you “wanted.” Which tells me, he was not willing to fight for the relationship to the same level you were. Are you absolutely sure that this is what you want in a relationship? I know it has been 10 years. I know you separated for 2 weeks and wanting him back is very natural. However, I would hate to see you give up your needs in the relationship, just to have him back in your life. Love is not enough. You need a partner who will fight WITH you and for you and for himself if a relationship is going to not only last, but be healthy.
So really break down what your needs were. You were “pushing” him to help you meet your needs. Do you feel those needs were reasonable and healthy for you and he was not listening? Do you feel those needs were pretty normal for a relationship? And whatever those needs were, would you be able to take care of them yourself and not need those things from him anymore? When you “pushed” for him to meet those needs, how were you doing it? What would he say when you asked him for those things several times? Do you feel that maybe if you approached the subjects differently, he would have responded differently?
Here is the thing Suzanne. I know you are hurting a lot right now. I know you miss him and want him back desperately. I would hate to see you get him back, only to end up in the same spot again….him deciding to bail because he doesn’t want to deal with the pressure. I don’t know the details of what you were asking from him aside from getting married, so my advice to you may be different if I knew more information. So again, really evaluate if your needs were reasonable or were they asking a lot? If they were reasonable, are you sure you want to give them up? I imagine those needs will show up again in the relationship….and then when they do, I imagine you will push them aside for awhile because you don’t want to lose him again…and then at some point, you will naturally start pushing again. Do you see the cycle that could occur again?
What’s next….answering all my questions (not necessarily on this forum if you don’t want to – but with yourself) Get out a pen and paper and write down my questions and then answer them. Writing things down will surprise you. You will find that so much more ends up coming out vs. just “thinking” about it…AND….it gives you a written record of how you are feeling….something you can refer back to. If you don’t like writing, then you can always type it up or you can digitally record it all. I remember one of the toughest breakups I went through, I used a digital recorder. I carried it with me everywhere. Mostly when I was in my car, I would just talk to it, as if it were him. There were moments where I missed him deeply and I told him. There were moments where I was so angry…and I told him. There were moments where I cried…and I told him how he hurt. I was so surprised how much it cleared my energy. Right now, you are so focused on getting him back that I imagine you are not paying much attention to yourself. As long as you stay in this high emotion of not being okay without him, then you lose perspective, clarity, wisdom and the gifts that are here for you during this time. I know this may not be what you want to hear right now and I sure as heck don’t blame you. I would not be a very good objective opinion if I did not say this side of it though. You can always just ignore me of course. This is completely your design.
If you would like to just continue on this journey where the only thing that matters is getting him back, I would say to sit back and wait. Do not text, do not call. Let him reach out to you. He needs to feel the absence of you. He needs to be able to miss you a little bit. Besides, if his main ending experience of you is feeling “pushed” by you all the time, then you need to give him a different experience. If he just keeps feeling you pushing again…to come back, to connect, to talk….it will only remind him of why he left in the first place. So again, this is a looooong haul. Wait a few weeks. Give him the space he is asking for. That is showing him that you can respect his wishes vs. pushing your wishes on him. Does that make sense?
We would love to hear your thoughts, more questions or just how you are feeling. We are here to help you through this!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth. My heart aches with you. I am so sorry for this. It is shocking, deeply deeply hurtful and life changing. Moments like these remind us how much we are not in control. That’s why love is a risk right? Every single day it is a risk because at any given moment, something happens and creates a life altering change. Like you said…there are gift in the middle of your deep pain. There always are. Soon the gifts will show themselves to you. Soon the gifts will give you strength to replace the feeling of loss and failure.
You know what though? You are more than the pain…you are more than the depression…you are more than the failure. A deep trust has been broken with his choices. I imagine, at this point, that the healthier side of you would not want him back. Your other half, of course, wants him back because you have 25 years of your life and identity wrapped around him and it’s just been ripped away. So I would suggest to NOT make any decisions at this point except to focus on your healing. Focus on getting grounded and centered back on the TRUTH instead of the lies that fuel the hurt. Every time you hurt deeply, you are saying something to yourself. You have a story that you keep repeating over and over that is the fuel for the fire of your hurt. Every time you say that story or thought, follow it with the truth and continue the story.
For example, each time you feel guilt or like a failure, follow it with, “I am more than this guilt, I am more than this failure and I AM GOING TO HEAL. I choose to see the truth about this situation through the eyes of goodness and light (or whatever works for you)!” Work on finishing the story, work on counteracting the lies with truth EVERY SINGLE thought. Do not let your own shadow swallow you up right now. You bring the light into the shadow. They will co-exist right now, but eventually, the light will start to shine brighter the shadow will start to diminish.
Find something that brings you joy as well. Right now, you have got to bombard yourself with anything good! Get smiling and laughing! Go to a comedy show, go dancing or take dance lessons, go visit an animal shelter, go volunteer somewhere, watch movies that make you feel strong and hopeful (I love Under the Tuscan Sun as a break up movie), get creative with maybe making something, or drawing or painting….go buy a dozen bouquet of flowers and surround your home with flowers, take calming baths….there are so many things you can do EVERY SINGLE day to start to lift your spirits. Make a list and pick 4 or 5 you can do each day to start to put money your soul bank. Yes…this IS the time for you to connect to yourself…for you to love yourself through this darker time. THEN…when you feel like you are more grounded in the truth, centered in your heart….THEN you can decide what is best for you.
Keep breathing…some moments it’s just about taking one breath at a time. You can do this! You have everything you need, WITHIN YOU, to heal….to forgive…to love.
Keep us updated and share as much as you need. We are here to help you through this!!!!
Hi Maria! I sure know how you feel. It’s beyond frustrating to be left high and dry, without any kind of explanation. It leaves you feeling like you did something wrong. Here is the thing…no one can answer the “why” except for him. All you know is that he disappeared. Is this a long distance relationship? It sounds like your only communication is through technology.
I had a friend I met at a conference. He lived in Michigan and I lived on the west coast. Over the 3 years that we were friends, we talked quite a bit for seasons and then less so, sometimes. There was a point where he communicated his frustrations that I was not very responsive to him anymore. I barely called and when we did talk, I always had to go. He was right. My business had exploded at the time and I was working like crazy and had no energy to talk on the phone for 2 hours at a time. So we made an agreement. I was going to just call him daily and talk for about 15 minutes (that’s the simplified version). So I did that…for 1 week. I was getting NO response from him. He never answered the phone and he never called back to even acknowledge my efforts or anything I was sharing with him. 2 weeks went by and I finally left a message saying that I was not going to share my daily thoughts with someone who wasn’t going to respond and interact with me. I never heard back from him. I started to get worried. I waited a few days and called again, telling him I was worried, was he okay, I hope he wasn’t in a hospital somewhere. After about 3 weeks of no response, I found his girlfriend on Facebook and messaged her, asking if he was okay. She responded quickly saying, “Yes! He is doing great!” So my next message to him was saying, “I have no idea why you are not responding, but this is not okay for me anymore. I miss you and I thought I was working WITH you to create a good friendship. If I do not hear from you by Sunday, the door is closed and I will no longer make further attempts. If you want to fight for this friendship, please call me by then.” So he called me Sunday morning for a brief 5 minute conversation basically saying he did not want to be friends anymore. There was nothing I could even do about his reasons. He changed…and that’s what people do…sometimes towards us and sometimes away from us…we have no control over that.
What and why someone does this is about their own journey. All we can do as friends or girlfriends is to be the best that we know how….unfortunately, that is not enough sometimes. The best we can do is forgive them for disconnecting and forgive ourselves for not being able to get our needs met…and move on.
I want to encourage you to spend less time worrying about what you “did” and more time ALSO looking at him for who he is showing you he is right now. He disappeared. He is not being a good friend right now. Whatever his reasons, it’s not respectful nor caring to handle a friendship this way. There is also the possibility that something bad may have happened. You just don’t know right now.
The best way to approach this is to inquire. Do not get into “what did I do wrong” with him or all of your hurt feelings. You can do that later. Right now, you just need to gather info and create a safe enough space for him to contact you. You keep it really simple. A guy will respond much more to that, than an emotional lady who he feels may blast him for disappearing.
Start simple, “You have disappeared. I haven’t heard back from you in awhile which is really unusual. Are you okay?”
If he doesn’t respond, you can say “Okay…now I am getting a little worried. Are you in a hospital bed somewhere? Even if you don’t want to talk, that’s okay. At least tell me that you are okay and safe. I will leave you alone, if you wish, after that.”
If he still doesn’t respond, I suggest putting a time limit on it like I did. It will help YOU create closure even if he is unresponsive.
I’m sorry you are having to experience this. It feels so yucky to be ghosted.
Keep us posted and let us support you through this!
Heidi
Oh man Suzanne! I bet that really hurt to watch him avoid you like that. Isn’t it crazy how you can be so intimate with someone and spend 19 years with him and then have a moment like that? It’s heartbreaking and shocking! I imagine he just wants to avoid you because he is seeing someone else and he does not want to face you. I imagine it would be very uncomfortable for him, so he is avoiding you instead. I’m so sorry for this!
I really want to encourage you to take a step back. Instead of focusing on getting him back sooner than later, let him ride this out. Give him some space and let him do whatever he needs to do to get this out of his system. All the while you can be a “LITTLE” available, but also not too available. I would not use the “I really hurt you didn’t I” technique. I want you to really connect to the “extended horizons” chapter and concept. That is what you need to connect to most right now. It is going to take some time to get his attention back on you. Partly what will need to happen is he needs to get bored with the 20 year old. He needs to start to feel his needs that are not being met by her… and that can take some time. Once he starts to feel his needs NOT being met by a 20 year old, he will hopefully be reminded of you and how wonderful it feels to have history with someone and how wonderful it feels to be with someone closer to his age.
He avoided you because he does not feel like you and him will have a good interaction. So you can always call him and say, “Hey….I noticed that you avoided me. I guess I understand and wouldn’t blame you for that. I just want you to know that you don’t have to. I’m not angry at you and I definitely don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. We have 19 years that we shared together. You are my friend and someone I care about deeply, so know that it’s okay. I am okay and we are okay.”
Again, you want to establish a feeling of safety for him. Otherwise, you will never get to have interactions with him. He needs to feel peaceful around you, he needs to feel that you are still connective and that you are forgiving. If he feels like you are always trying to get him back, that will push him further away right now. So be friendly and just create casual, peaceful interactions right now.
I also want to recommend again, that whatever caused the separation in the first place needs to be addressed at some point….he needs to feel like things are going to be better….to be different….if he is ever going to be inspired to be with you again. So see if at some point you could have a conversation about it. I still would suggest to say what I said in the previous post where you acknowledge how he felt and that it is a good lesson for you. When you validate his experience, he will hopefully feel listened to and have a good experience with you.
So set up a plan of how you can have short, peaceful interactions with him. Turn up your patience dial and let this run its course. And while you have this time to yourself, you can spend it working on yourself and learning how you can be better. If he does return at some point, you can help create a new relationship again instead of falling into the same patterns that caused the breakup in the first place.
Heidi
Hi Janja!
I am so happy to hear that you are finding your way again and able to see this situation more clearly. I have a lot of respect for you that you wrote into us and listened to our guidance. Many people would not have asked for help and even if they did, would not have listened to advice that took them in the opposite direction than they wanted. You are quite strong to have awareness about yourself and your patterns! Well done!
Since this is a pattern of yours, I would recommend setting up a good system to protect yourself. You know that you fall easily for a man, so set up certain timelines and “tests” that must be passed BEFORE you open up your heart a little more. Make sure he meets your friends and then ask your friends about what they think. Set up a rule of “no sex” until after 10 dates. Set up a rule of only seeing the guy 2x a week for 1 month, then you can go to 3x a week. These are just ideas, but it will help you slow down and not rush into anything. Once you rush, you miss all the signs of them being another guy you attracted that needs you to help them through stuff. The only way to shift this pattern of yours is to go about it differently. Have caution. Make the guy earn certain things from you. Learn how to have impulse control. I know this is definitely not fun, but when it comes to matters of YOUR heart, protecting it more is much healthier than laying it out there for the taking. Use your friends as accountability. Ask for their help in setting up these guidelines and ask them to help you stick to those guidelines, because it won’t be easy! But it will be worth it!
I also want to confirm what Kanya said as well. This guy is not healthy for you. Let him go completely. Do not let him back into your life. It’s okay to go cold when someone does not respond to you. He definitely has A LOT of challenges he has to face and would be another guy you would have to help “fix.” This guy fits the profile for what you are used to experiencing. So now is the time for you to change that. Say “no” to this guy completely. Even if he tries to come back or you run into him, DO NOT let him back in! It’s time for you to find a nice guy who knows how to fix his own mess!!! It’s quite wonderful to experience a guy like that! It’s easy, it nourishing and it will put a huge smile on your face. Give yourself the chance to meet a guy like that! So set your standards and do whatever it takes to keep to those standards!!!
And lastly, I really want you to be aware that you can be FOOLED! I know you did not believe that this guy’s intention was to use you, but you also can be fooled. I am highly aware of people and their words and how they act and what all of it could mean AND I also know that I can still be fooled. So whenever I am getting to know someone for the first time, I not only listen to their words, but I am also watching that their actions match their words. And all of that takes time and experience together. Words are just words and are empty until there is proof to them…especially with someone brand new. So remember that in the future, before you hand over your body, your heart, your trust so easily….be cautious and watchful. Because no matter what this guy said to you, when it came down to it, his actions said something completely different than his words to you….so he was fooling you about something. Who knows what and who knows why….none of that matters. What matters more than anything is that you take the lessons you can learn from this.
Forgive him for how he treated you. Forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met and let all the yucky vibes about this experience fly out the window. Start with a clean slate and move on!
I wish you the best Janja!!!
Heidi
Hi Janja!
Wow! Those are some very intense emotions you are feeling for him. It sounds like you guys had a super wonderful and connective time and those kinds of moments are sooooo powerful and can last a lifetime!
You probably will not like what I am about to say, but I want to slow you waaaaay down! Love at first site absolutely can happen….AND….love is not enough….AND there are a ton of chemicals that go rushing through our bodies that give us that “love” feeling….but If love and chemicals were enough to keep a relationship going, we would not have over a 50% divorce rate in this world.
There are some BIG CAUTION flags here:
1. I first want to encourage you to REALLY listen to your friend, if you trust her instincts. If her first impression of him is that he has that “gigilo” vibe, she is seeing something that you are choosing to ignore. I have seen many, many relationships fall apart over the years and heard from one person or the other…”I should have listened to my friends and family. They saw this about him/her from the beginning, but I just didn’t want to listen.” You need to LISTEN to your friend and let her opinion matter to you!!! I understand you are having such a strong reaction to him….but that’s all it is at this point…a reaction with LITTLE SUBSTANCE because you have not spent enough time together to give your “love at first site” reaction some depth.
2. You are ready to jump into a relationship with this guy and you know nothing about him. You don’t know how much of what he has told you is true. You don’t know what he is like when he is stressed out (what if he is abusive physically or verbally?) What if he is a criminal? What if he is already taken??? The reality is, you cannot answer any of these questions about him because you JUST MET! That’s what dating is for….to experience each other in all different situations to see if you match each other. You are wanting to open your heart to him WITHOUT CAUTION!!! DANGER!! He needs to earn the right to get to have you! He needs to prove to you that he is a safe person for you, both emotionally and physically. He needs to earn the right to hold your VERY PRECIOUS, very delicate, very valuable heart in his hands. Just because you had an intense, wonderful connection together, DOES NOT MEAN it’s okay to jump in.
3. Like you are already experiencing, it’s falling apart. Why? who knows. He may be hiding something, he may have gotten back home and reality hit and he is not interested in working so hard for someone 9 hours away. Maybe he doesn’t have the money for that! Maybe it’s moving too fast for him. Again…you don’t know, but he is definitely starting to show signs of avoidance.
I understand you want to be irresistible for him. I understand you have such intense feelings. What I also understand is that those intense feelings make anyone’s view of someone VERY CLOUDED!!! I have felt those intense feelings before. I know that during those experiences, my judgement, my caution, my ability to think clearly was soooooo blocked by how good it felt to feel those feelings. I also knew that I needed help. I needed objectivity, I needed time, I needed to wait for the intense emotions to level out BEFORE I made any decisions about what I wanted. So I made sure that my friends and family gave me their perspectives. I made sure that I set up ways for me to take things slow (like no sleep overs for awhile or no sex until I felt more grounded in myself) HIGH EMOTION of any kind, clouds the mind and heart. You know how they say NOT to make decisions when you are angry??? This is the same….it’s such an intense, high emotion that it’s causing you to go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. When you go that fast, you miss the journey of getting to know someone. You get sooooo wrapped up in how wonderful that person feels that you end up misssing all kinds of red flags that show up along the way.
What I want to suggest is for you to really listen to your friend. I want you to enjoy these intense emotions but let him earn the right to be your forever person. He has done NOTHING to earn your heart yet and you have done NOTHING to earn his heart. That takes time and experience together. So as hard as it may be, your first step in all of this is to slow down your thinking. It’s a false belief that just because you feel these intense emotions, he is THE ONE. He absolutely could be, but he also could not be. You just don’t know that yet. Remember you already felt once in your life like you met “the one” and it didn’t work out? So I just want you to remember that as you move forward into this.
Another reason to slow down is that you want to allow him to chase you a bit. If you are always available and always initiating and always there for him, then he doesn’t know what it feels like to NOT have you. And that is the most important part in the chase. Usually a man likes to hunt. So if you are ready to plan a future with this guy, he hasn’t really gotten to go through the chasing and then catching you, which makes you sooooo much more of a prize! If a hunter goes out and shoots an arrow into a deer that is just laying down and not giving the hunter a challenge, he will be much less excited about it! So let this guy work for you!!! It’s a healthy thing for a man to do and a healthy thing for you to feel. You get to feel fought for!!
My first instinct about your situation is to have you sit back and wait. See how much he initiates. See how much he works towards making it happen for you guys to get together. Since there is a sense that he might be hiding something, I personally would push to see him in his home town and offer that as the ONLY option for now. I would NOT meet half way. If you do that, you will bond more, you will have an amazing time and you will be even more invested. Do you want to invest your heart, your money, your time with a guy that could be hiding something? You need to spend time together in each other’s REAL lives. This will give you BOTH the clearest picture about what each other is really like. You need to see his home, you need to how people respond to him, you need to see his work, you need to see how he behaves having you IN his space. If you guys meet halfway, it’s just like another vacation. It’s not reality.
See what he does with that. Does he resist it? Does he keep trying to meet you halfway? Or does he love the idea of you meeting him there? Pay close attention to his reactions! His reactions will tell you something about him that you need to be aware of!!
Janja….I wish I could write a super happy and exciting response to your inquiry. I’m sure this is not quite what you wanted to hear. All I can do is go with my instinct, experience and several years of helping people to offer you the best possible guidance. I hope you will consider what I have said.
I wish you the best and would love to hear your thoughts on this and get any updates! I truly wish this turns out to be the most amazing man you have ever met and that you guys have a super happy life together. So try those few things to see if you can get a response from him.
We are here to help, so ask all the questions you need! We are good objective opinions for you!
Heidi
Hi Yemima! Yikes! That’s a BIG CAUTION flag right there. To go from talking about future to all of a sudden panic and breaking up, there is something going on that has nothing to do with you. Whenever something like that happens so suddenly, without some type of event that happened to cause a change of heart, I get very concerned. My first thoughts are some type of mental instability or disorder…do you know if he is on any medication? If it is not in that category, then he is deathly afraid of something and whatever that is, it was there long before you ever came along. If it is not that, then maybe someone else caught his interest…an x girlfriend contacted him, a long lost crush finally paid attention to him…who knows! Or maybe he has a lot of secrets and those got threatened somehow. I could go on and on as to the possibilities of what made him flip the switch so fast.
None of that actually matters….what matters is you deciding if he is the kind of guy you feel safe with….BOTH physically and emotionally. I know I personally would not feel emotionally safe with someone who is talking future with me in one moment and then telling me he lost the magic feelings in the next. That makes him very unstable or not honest and authentic….neither of which makes for a very good relationship.
Of course you would be considering him still! You did have a connection with him and then the rug got pulled out from under you. It’s quite shocking!!! You are pretty strong to even consider that maybe you are wanting this just because it feels good to be liked and it sucks to be dumped. I would absolutely agree that the emotions surrounding that statement would play a role in it.
What I would suggest you do is get VERY grounded in your standards as to how you are treated….under all situations. I always encourage people to look at the person they are dating with the clearest eyes possible and the most important factor to watch is how they handle stress. Does that person run? Do they communicate well? Are they kind or revengeful? Are they connective or do they disappear? Do they blame and play the victim or do they take responsibility? You need to be able to see the WORST in a person and still feel safe and respected by them in those worst moments….and of course, you need to be able to offer them the same in return. That is a relationship worth fighting for! I would easily say this guy does not fall into that category!
I’m sorry this happened to you. I have had similar experiences and it can shake you up a bit! I know I would run through everything I did and said and try to find some type of clue….but you know what??? Those clues don’t matter. If I did the best I could, if I liked who I was when I was with them, then that’s all I can do. If they leave, then they need to leave and I sure as heck am not going to fight for someone who disappears on me. They can go disappear on someone else! You deserve a man who stands in front of you and fights for you, is honest with you, is consistent and stable and reliable. So leave this guy behind and give someone else the chance to sweep you off your feet!!!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
