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Hi Zeti!
I have just a few questions. Have you ever met in person? What has been your normal frequency of communication? Do you guys plan on meeting? How do you know other ladies are interested….did he tell you that?
I want to invite you to think about something for a second before you try anything with him. A lot of people think that when they offer advice and the other person ends up disconnecting because of it, that it is their fault. There may be some truth in it. Maybe it was unsolicited advice, maybe they didn’t like the advice that was offered….or maybe they just do not handle taking advice very well. Before you get so wrapped up in thinking you made a “mistake,” (which maybe you did – or maybe you didn’t) let’s look at his response. He has chosen to disconnect. Do you really feel like you want to pursue a guy who disappears just because you offered some advice? Do you really feel like it’s okay for him to disappear and disconnect with you without telling you what is going on? It’s important that when getting to know someone, regardless of how amazing they are, the most important aspects to watch is how they respond to any type of “stress.” When you see their stress response, it tells you A TON about what you will be facing down the road and what kind of person they are. If he is the type to run away, not communicate, not talk with you about what his thoughts are, then you are going to have a super hard time being in relationship with him. It has only been a month and you guys are long distance. Quality relationships are incredibly hard to start with it being and LDR….for reasons just like this. A person could entirely disappear without any accountability about their choice. To me, someone who makes that kind of choice is the kind of person who has done it before and will do it again. So before you try to get this guy back, really ask yourself if this is the kind of guy you would like to pursue.
If you do want to pursue him, I would suggest to give some space for a bit. If he is upset with you for any reason, give him time to resolve his feelings. You have already reached out in a few different ways and he is not responding. If you continue to keep reaching out, you are teaching him that if he pulls his energy away, you are going to chase him. So give him some space and let him now feel the absence of you now. Let him miss hearing from you. You have made the effort to re-connect, so now it is his turn to make some effort. If he still does not respond, I would venture to guess he has moved his attention to the other ladies and I would let him go. I imagine you want a guy who will fight for you, not just disconnect because you offered some advice. And I know that will be very difficult to do, but imagine how difficult a relationship would be with the kind of guy who ignores you and runs away when he feels like it.
Give it some time and be patient. I would wait a week and then you try the “I need your help” scenario if you have not heard from him. It’s also possible he lost his phone, something really terrible could have happened or maybe he just has disconnected. Who knows! Another thing you could try and has worked many times, is if someone is ghosting, put a time limit on it and give them a warning. You could say something like, “I’m not sure what is going on here. You have disconnected and I don’t understand why. I am hoping that everything is okay with you and that you are not lying in a hospital bed somewhere! If you just feel like you would like to end things with me, at least let me know you are okay and create closure. I will wait to hear from you until Friday. If I do not hear from you by then, then I will decide to close the door myself and move on and you will no longer hear from me. I hope everything is okay with you! Take care.” Let him feel your strength and that you have standards as to how you are treated. Require him to initiate and put some effort into staying connected with you and let him know you are not the only one who has to put in the effort. A good man will respect this kind of strength in a woman.
Please keep us updated!!
Heidi
Hi Megan!
Thanks for posting a picture! It’s wonderful for us to be able to see the person we get to talk with and go on a journey with. Thank you for writing in and giving us the opportunity to help. I’m so sorry about what’s happening in your relationship. It’s quite disappointing when we all of a sudden are going down a different path than what was planned. The beauty that can be found in it, is that the new path will bring us new information. You are seeking out new information and ways to be a better partner for him! Well done! You are fighting for him and your relationship and gathering different perspectives.
I just want to ask you a few questions first. Whenever I am having an emotional reaction to something, the first question I start asking myself is, where is this coming from? Even if the person, let’s say, gossips behind my back and starts an awful rumor, the feelings I have about that….some will be about the present moment and some will be about moments from the past that have a similar quality about it. So a guideline I like to use is called the SUD Scale. Subjective Units of Distress Scale. It’s a subjective scale used by many Therapists and healers. It’s a scale from 1-10. 10 being the worst and 1 being the least. So if I react to the rumor being spread about me and rate it at an 8….I know there is DEFINITELY something from my past influencing the intensity of my emotional reaction. My basic rule of thumb is that if I am over a 5, the VERY FIRST thing I do is connect into what past feelings are being triggered and I work on forgiveness and letting those feelings go. Once I am under a 5, I can then go and have a conversation and deal with the present situation.
So what would you rate your anxiety about your future together? What would you rate your reaction to him disconnecting from you in those moments?
The last question I want to ask is: I know you want to have a family and are in your late 30’s. Is there any part of you trying to make this work NOW….because wanting a baby is important to you? If you were 25, do you feel you would still fight for this relationship? If you were 30, would you still fight for this relationship? In other words, take your desire to have a family, out of the equation. If that were not a factor, would you still fight for him?
This is a super old school book and there may be better ones out there, but for some reason, it is coming to my mind to recommend to you. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” by John Gray. Here is a video clip that may interest you: https://youtu.be/n_S5smFL8Vo
It may be 20 years old, but the concepts are still viable. Men process differently than women do. The challenging part is the LDR. It might be much more manageable if you both lived in the same space. So for right now, maybe start with a conversation about it.Here are some questions you can ask: When you disconnect from me, do you know why you do it? Have you always done it or is there something I am doing to trigger that reaction in you? When you disconnect, what is the best thing for me to do? Would you like space, would you like me to still connect a little, what do you want? Now when having that conversation, make sure you include your needs as well. It’s a co-creation here….so you can say, “when you disconnect from me, it hurts and feels rejecting. So I will give you space, but can you just say something like ‘I need to disconnect right now. I love you, I will be back and re-connect by tomorrow. I just need some time to think. I am not going anywhere.’ And that way you both can design those moments so you both get what you need. And make sure you have this conversation outside of those disconnected times. You can start the conversation by saying something like, “I feel we have a speed bump we need to face. When you disconnect, it makes me feel rejected and hurt. So I am actually really interested about what you are feeling and doing and how about we make a plan of how to get through those moments. Because I know you don’t want to hurt me and I sure as heck don’t want to push you away. So let’s talk about this and see if we can experiment with different approaches to see what works.”
I would suggest to see if you guys can connect and work through this speed bump for right now. Maybe stay away from the “future” topic for awhile. If you guys can just focus on figuring out how to work through the ups and downs and finding and establishing a more solid and consistent foundation…THEN that makes a future more plausible and easier to build. Trust needs to be built for emotional safety, communication can improve and the bonding will get stronger that way. THEN you are organically building your relationship. THEN he will be more inspired to build a future with you.
Thank you again for writing in. Hopefully this gives you some ideas to try out. I wish you the very best and please keep us updated!!!
Heidi
You are quite strong and grounded Aleksandra. Whatever you have done up to this point to be able to connect into your truth and have the courage you have, keep doing it!
Thank you again for taking a chance with us and writing in for some advice!
Heidi
Hi Aleksandra! Thank you so much for writing back. I apologize! I have a friend with Crohn’s disease and her life is quite the challenge. Her family has a lot to accept and deal with considering her food limitations, constant need for a nearby bathroom etc. I am so glad to hear you have a minor version and that everything is under control and manageable. I should have gathered more information before making that assumption. Please forgive me for comparing your situation to someone with some type of disability.
I am so sorry for how this turned out. I agree 100% with what Kanya said. It is sooooo hard to completely disconnect and allow healing to take place, so you did an incredibly difficult thing by saying no to staying in contact. Well done! It sounds like both of you are very clear about this choice. It will leave the door open now for the kind of man who is in alignment with you and your visions.
I wish you the very best in healing your heart, your body, your spirit!
Thank you for the update and for letting me know how you felt about my response to your situation. I am always learning and growing on this forum and value people’s experiences of my advice. It’s how I get better at this! I appreciate you 🙂
Heidi
Hi Jen! Wow….thank you for writing in! You have been through an incredible amount. I am so sorry for that. It sounds like you have found your ground again and are starting to stabilize which I’m sure makes you feel a million pounds lighter. I’m so sorry your marriage has taken such a beating. It sounds like him leaving may have been a good decision for right now. Continuing to fight is so unhealthy for both of you and sometimes, creating some space can help give perspective. My hope is that he is willing to fight for this like you are. It sounds like your marriage is repairable with certain steps. Education, forgiveness and a new skillset. You both have lost trust and safety with each other. Forgiveness needs to happen for both of your limitations. Education and a new skillset can help you both learn healthy ways to communicate and meet each other’s needs without causing hurt.
Dr. John Gottman has INCREDIBLE information and programs to help couples learn how to repair, heal and create a healthy relationship. He has studied love and relationship (scientifically) for 30+ years now and his findings are incredible! All the information he puts out there is spot on. Here is an article about a system for conflict resolution:
Understanding Each Other: The First Part of the State of The Union Meeting
Another person I REALLY like is Jayson Gaddis. http://www.jaysongaddis.com
If not these guys, then you need to find someone. You both need to raise the white flag for peace, stop arguing and immediately get into educating yourselves about how to communicate better so you don’t keep hurting each other. I also highly recommend finding someone you both can work with together and / or individually. For right now, having a good therapist, coach, healer of some sorts to be an objective perspective for you both, hold you both accountable and educate you guys would be so incredibly helpful. There is so much hurt and broken trust that having a third party of some kind may need to happen for right now, until you guys get back to a good foundation.
How about writing him a romantic letter….letting him know everything you LOVE about him. Telling him several moments where you felt he made your life so much better by being in it. What specific qualities does he have that makes you want to fight for him?? Then tell him that he is worth fighting for. Let him know that you do not want to fight anymore. You do not want to hurt him anymore. You are not interested in being mean anymore. You don’t like yourself like this and you are going to work on (and be specific on how you are going to work on it – what ACTIONS are you going to take so you no longer hit him “below the belt” with your words). Let him know you want to talk about this over a nice dinner. You want to repair, forgive and heal and you want him on this journey with you. Who know where it will end up, but you are not willing to let it get any worse. You only want it to get better. Then find a nice restaurant, look beautiful and go connect with him. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS at that dinner, you commit to not arguing with him. You stay soft, kind, gentle and be an incredible listener. Have curiosity at the center of your mindset. When you are curious about his feelings, you will be more likely to REALLY hear about his experiences and learn more about him. Before you leave dinner, see if you guys can get on the same page about the next step. Maybe take in a book that you found that you guys can go through together. Or do your research and tell him about a program you read about and would love to go through it with him. Keep reminding him he is worth fighting for, not against. Tell him that you imagine having a relationship with him where you are both madly in love with each other. That you guys spend most of your time laughing, bonding, raising your kids and your house is full of love and ease. When arguments do show up, it’s a conversation, not a battlefield. Give him the vision you have!!! It will take work to get there, but it’s possible if you BOTH agree to do the work.
Now, he may not be ready or willing to step into that process with you. That’s okay. You don’t give up. You IMMEDIATELY start educating and healing yourself. You SHOW him you are actively making changes. You SHOW him you are getting better and that you are serious about this. You SHOW him you are truly sorry for the hurt you have caused by getting better. Many times, a man needs to watch a bit first before he is willing to jump in. Be the role model for him. Let him see how it can be different by BEING DIFFERENT. Give it some time.
Hopefully this gives you some good direction. Again, I am so sorry for your challenges and I wish the best for both of you. We would love any updates or more questions you are willing to share!!!
Heidi
Hi Medy! Thank you for taking a chance with us and writing in!!!
This is a question you can only answer for yourself. The best way to find the answer to really understand, very clearly, what you want. It sounds like you might really like this guy and would like to be exclusive with him….your feelings for him are not casual, therefore you are interested in growing stronger with him. If this is true, it sounds like he is on a different page.
I find, many times, that a person’s perspective of being in a relationship means less freedom, more responsibility and not a lot of space. This can absolutely be true as many relationships are like that. But it does not have to be that way. I have no clue what you are like in a relationship. Maybe if you give him some space and time and show him that he can be valued and appreciated and cared for by you without crowding each other. He can still be very independent AND be with you.
I’m not sure how long you have known each other though. If this is fairly new, I would suggest to still give him some time. Stay connected and create more memories together. He may just need to get to know you better and you may need to get to know him better too…and slowly the bond will grow and being exclusive with each other can be a natural progression. If however, you feel this is not the time or effort to allow this to happen, then maybe it’s just time for you to consider someone else who is more likeminded.
If you have any other details or info. about your situation, we would love to hear them so we can give you more specific guidance.
Hi Shagun! What a heartbreaking conversation you just had with him. I’m sure you went into a panic mode of some sorts, feeling like he is slipping through your fingers and nothing you said or did could change that. I am so sorry!
It sounds like he is at his end. Whatever is happening at work appears to be much more important than his relationship with you. From what you are saying, he is not communicating his needs very well and maybe you are not communicating your needs along the way very well either….which is probably why you were unkind about the graduation. It sounds like there is a pattern happening and you keep getting hurt.
I want to REALLY REALLY encourage you to not forget about yourself and your needs in the midst of the fear of losing him. He is making a very clear choice…he is choosing his work over connecting with you, making time for you and building a life with you. I wonder how much work is the excuse. I wonder if he is afraid, deep down, to fall madly in love and give everything he has to someone….so work is a PERFECT excuse to not get that close. I cannot speak for him, but either way….HIS ACTIONS are telling you he is not invested in the way you are….and it sounds like it’s been like that for awhile.
So let’s just stay very basic here….put aside the emotion of love and connection you feel when you are together….let’s consider how you are treated when stress shows up:
1. Are you willing to give your heart to a man who does not make time for you?
2. Are you willing to grow your life with a man who disconnects when you confront him and is not a good communicator?
3. Are you willing to give your heart to a man who is not interested in looking at your needs and wanting to grow and be a better partner for you? And seeks to understand you better?
4. Are you okay bonding with a man who CONSISTENTLY chooses work over you? (I can understand if it is temporary) But reality is, if he were really interested in caring about your needs, he would more respond like, “Wow….I am so sorry that you got hurt when I didn’t come to graduation. That breaks my heart. I know I chose work over you. I am in such a tough spot and it makes me feel horrible. I’ll tell you what….let me make it up to you! I want to make you a graduation dinner and celebrate you and your accomplishment. How about Monday night?” Instead, he blamed you, didn’t understand your feelings and started to pull away from you more. His need is more about being “right” and HIS needs vs. really hearing you and connecting with you and your experience. Every situation has 2 sides to the coin and it’s so important that BOTH people sit down and listen and validate each other. This is not who he is….Is this okay for you?
5. Are you okay being with a man you don’t feel okay sharing your feelings with along the way? And so you end up blowing up and saying some unkind remarks and hurting him…are you okay with that pattern inside yourself?Here is the thing….you can do or say anything to get him back, but that will not change that he is who he is right now. You guys will keep looping in the same patterns. You will have needs for connection, communication, growth and building together and he will not. Then something will happen where he will disappoint you again and you will be right back where you are now.
So you have 2 choices:
1. Either accept that his work is more important than you right now. Accept that he is not a very good communicator. Accept that he has little tolerance or need to really be connected to what your needs are right now. Accept that he is not interested in looking into the future with you for right now. Accept that your needs will not be important right now.2. Accept that you have some needs that are totally okay….accept that he is not someone who can meet those needs. He meets a lot of wonderful needs of yours…and there is a lot of good that you have together….AND there is a lot of challenge of which he is not interested in confronting therefore, he is not someone you can grow with. Time to disconnect.
Instead of putting ALL THE POWER into his hands and let him “think” about it…where is your power? This is a design between BOTH of you…this is not just his design. You are handing all your power over to him and letting him create whatever scenario that suits him. Take back your power and exist WITH him, not behind him. Set some boundaries and have some standards…and KNOW THAT EVERY BIT OF IT IS OKAY!!!! Do not apologize or feel bad for having needs, just because they go against his. He obviously does not feel bad for having his needs even though they go against yours! That is a more healthy mindset. Then you both either work on getting on the same page or realize you are on different pages now and it’s time to disconnect.
I am so sorry Shagun. This is tough advice to offer as I know this is not your heart. I know you just want him back and for everything to be okay. I understand that. I wish it were that easy.
Please keep us all updated!! You have our support and help anytime you need it!
Hi Aleksandra!
Man…this one is tough. I am so sorry! Your health challenges are definitely something to consider for a partner. It’s like having a “disability.” Anyone who is in a wheelchair, has missing limbs, has a mental disorder and is on medication…those all affect someone who is in relationship with them….and that someone MUST be okay dealing with the lifestyle and considerations that come along with those physical or emotional challenges.
Your guy has a tough decision to make. He wants children and he wants a woman who does not have any health challenges that could potentially cause a lot of stress.
What I am going to say, is just my opinion, so consider it just that. I could be wrong.
Let him go. The reason I am saying this is that first, he wants 2 children. That is a dream he has probably lived with his entire life. It is deal breaker for couples. Unless 2 people can be on the same exact page for that, it absolutely will create problems in the future. As wonderful as he feels you are, it is possible that when he is 50 or 60 and sees fathers with their kids, he may regret or be resentful that he decided to stay with you. It’s not to say that he couldn’t give up that dream for you. BUT with that being said, he would have to be extremely emotionally connected to himself and have some type of skillset to deal with the loss of that dream in a healthy way. Does that make sense? Also, you do have some limitations having Crohn’s and no thyroid. I understand you are healthy currently. I’m sure he is thinking about 10 years from now…even 20 years….he is struggling with accepting a life with you might mean more difficulty down the road.
Here is the thing…it’s like buying a pair of jeans. You know how you will get 5 pairs of jeans to try on. There are ones that you INSTANTLY know you do not like. Then there are ones that you try on and you just aren’t 100% sold, but you are close. You keep turning in all angles looking in the mirror, feeling like you really like them, but maybe they are just not right around the waist….but you like them….but you are not sure….you know that conversation you have with yourself? Should you buy them, should you not buy them? You are trying to talk yourself into them because they are good enough. But then you try on your last pair of jeans and INSTANTLY you LOVE THEM! Without hesitation, you just know they fit your body perfectly, they are comfortable and nothing is stopping you from getting them.
That’s what I feel relationships are like when we are trying to find our “fit” (for long term relations). People many, many times find that person that is really wonderful, but there are just a few things that keep stopping them from going forward completely. They keep trying and trying to make it work because there are so many wonderful things. And it sounds like that is what is happening here. He feels how wonderful you are, but he has something stopping him. You are both wanting to hold onto all the wonderful things that exist between you guys, but reality is….he has needs that you cannot meet, therefore he is trying to say no to you and yes to himself….but that is extremely difficult considering how he feels towards you. I personally would honor his struggle and let him go. I personally want a man who is so crazy about me that NOTHING is stopping him from moving forward. You need that from him…and if not him, then another man. You need to be those pair of jeans that he instantly tries on and knows, WITHOUT A DOUBT, he is going to buy them. It’s not to say this guy cannot get to this place. Maybe he needs to lose you first to get him there. Maybe not…who knows. This is more about you. This is about you setting a standard and a boundary saying, “I want to be fought for and chosen WITHOUT HESITATION.” And since he is not able to offer that you, then YOU have a decision to make as well.
You might want to watch the movie “Love and Other Drugs.” It’s not exactly your situation, but similar. I thought everything was portrayed so well! The reality of being with someone with a disease and what happens and the choices people have to make. Maybe you guys can watch it together.
Hopefully this gives you some things to think about. We would love an update if you feel like still sharing!
Heidi
Ha! OMG! I was nervous for all of them! What wonderful and interesting moments!!! Thank you for sharing!
Hi Shelby! You definitely have a lot going on here and a lot of different feelings that you are having. I feel your confusion!!!
It feels like the main challenge you have is that you are split. One part of you really wants to make this work and another part of you is beyond frustrated and wants to get away. So which side wins?
I first want to invite you to think about a few things. You have been single for a very long time. Any man who comes into your life is going to shake things up for you. You are used to feeling and being exactly as you are without having to consider someone else’s needs, feelings and opinions. Transitioning from being single for 20 years to being in relationship is going to be difficult on a lot of levels.
Second, I want to invite you to see the possibility of the gift he offers you. He does not think or feel the same as you and therefore challenges your perceptions and experiences. You are a gift to him as well. Whenever a different perspective shows up in our lives, it’s always an opportunity to consider that maybe how we are feeling is limited. Can your beliefs be expanded? Can your beliefs be shifted? It is also helpful to really look at where your beliefs are coming from. Do they come from what you were taught or do they come from experience, study, research and opinions that come from several different perspectives and truths? My point being…you want him to agree with you and he wants you to agree with him. You both are more attached to being RIGHT vs. being attached to the beauty in all the different perspectives that exist on this earth. If I were to sit you both down at a table, sitting across from each other… and then put a tall vase, filled with flowers right in the middle and asked you both to right down EXACTLY what you saw….although you are both explaining the same exact thing, you will have 2 different perspectives that are BOTH accurate. So whenever someone has a different opinion than you, a great mindset to have is what I call the 2C’s. Curiosity and Connection. When you are curious about someone’s viewpoint, you foster connection. You put your need to be right in the very, very back of your mind and you make the priority about connection and curiosity with the person you are talking with. As long as you keep this mindset the priority, your odds of having an argument are pretty slim.
Lastly….being that your life is your design, you have some choices to make. It sounds like he is creating a lot of challenge and chaos in your life that you are not interested in dealing with….yet you are dealing with it. Here is the bottom line. How you both function with each other is very hard. The constant arguing is not healthy for either of you. So you have 2 choices. Either do what you can to fix it or decide it’s not worth the energy and disconnect.
If you want to work on fixing it, then I suggest to start with what I said above about approaching his differing opinions with a different mindset. Also….what IS GOOD about you guys? You must have something working well between you guys that would make you want to fight for it on some level…or you would not be writing in. Communicate what you LIKE about him. Tell him how he is making your life better. Tell him what you appreciate about him. In the end, you may find everything is shifting and growing….either way you are continuing to walk forward and breaking a cycle that does not work. Who knows if the new approach will change anything…it’s more about trying something different and seeing if it helps.
If you decide not to continue this…I suggest you just cut all ties. I don’t fully understand what is happening with this cruise that is planned, but when you break from someone, especially someone that is challenging, it’s always best to do a clean break….and that may mean losing your money. Let it go and be done with this chaos. Forgive him for not being the kind of man you wanted him to be and forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met and losing the money. Let the feelings of everything go so you don’t have any remaining resentment held inside….resentment is VERY TOXIC!!! You can create other experiences. You do not have to go sailing. It sounds like between his depression, his lack of connection and interest…it just would be complete rejection and challenge if you go. Maybe it is best for you to back out so you both can finally just be peaceful.
So your goal here is to get VERY CLEAR about what you want. Do you want to fight for this and work on improving your reactions, appreciating him more and bringing a lot more positive energy to the relationship? Or is the idea of doing all of that (considering he is depressed, challenging, not affectionate and connective) just not worth it??? What do you want?? Once you decide, then you have a direction and can make steps towards making it happen.
Keep us updated Shelby!
Heidi
Hi SW!
I am so glad to hear you are finding more clarity!!! This is WONDERFUL!! It sounds like you are ready for something to shift.
Let’s talk about a few things here.
1. He is living in fantasy land if he thinks he can bond with you, say I love you and treat you like a girlfriend, yet just because he is not technically “committed” that means he is not committed. I wonder what would happen if you started dating other guys. I wonder what would happen if you took a step back and really started living in a way where there is no “commitment.” I am willing to bet he would be hurt and devastated. It’s impossible to truly bond with someone, tell them you love them and continue to behave “as if” you were committed…..and not be emotionally committed. He is fooling himself and you are playing into that story as well. I also imagine that if he started dating other ladies, it would crush your heart. So reality is….you guys are living as if you are committed already! This is why I want to re-iterate that it’s time for him to either say the words or back out.
What I find interesting is how much you have lessened the power of words in order to survive in this relationship. If you lessen the power of words and put more value in the action, then you are able to stay and justify him. YET….words are more powerful to HIM….more than actions. He is so terrified of saying those words to you (I love you, I want to just be with you, I want to grow with you and no one else), yet he is not afraid to show how he feels. So words are more powerful to him than his actions. My point being….he is terrified of the words because in HIS mind, they hold an incredible amount of power….so you diminish their value in order to stay with him. My point being….words are powerful….powerful enough that your guy is afraid of them!
It makes me so sad that you feel you have to work so hard to get him to even say I love you….after all of this time. I am going to validate that THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB to make him feel safe inside himself. This is a journey he must take. He needs to face his fear. Reality is, he will not face it until he is in enough pain. You have set up a perfect scenario for him to never have to face that fear. He gets to have ALL of you….you are patient, caring, connective and compassionate with him. Why would he need to do anything different??? He is getting everything he wants. He gets to stay split and let that fear control him because there are no consequences. All the while….you are continually being hurt and putting an INCREDIBLE amount of energy into something that he should be doing for himself. You are taking on the role of being a “mother” so to speak. You are doing everything you can to help him feel more safe. To tell him, “it’s okay to say I love you. I promise I won’t bite.” Goodness!!! That’s exhausting!!! The fear is definitely a child like aspect of him that is controlling his life and he found the perfect mom for him. A mom that will just leave him alone and comfort him when he gets uncomfortable.
I’d like to give you a different perspective about trust. A healthy foundation of trust is about trust in yourself FIRST. Let’s use your guy for an example. If he were to have trust in himself, then this would be how he would handle his fear. “I am afraid AND I trust myself that no matter how this turns out, I will be okay. I know I will get past any hurt or challenge should it show up. I am strong enough to handle whatever shows up.” Instead….he has NO trust in himself and has his foot out the door at all times. What he is saying is this, “I am NOT strong enough and I do not want to get hurt, so I am going to always have 1 foot out the door so she can’t hurt me. Because I don’t believe I will be able to handle it. I never want to get hurt again.” Problem is….that’s not reality. Reality is, he would get soooo hurt if you decided to disconnect. He thinks that one foot out the door makes the pain less, but it doesn’t. It’s an illusion he is living in.
And I want to say the same to you….the moment you say “I think leaving him would be too devastating” is the moment you betray yourself. You are essentially saying, “I would rather stay in a relationship with a guy who is terrified to commit and tells me he loves me, than be alone. I would rather hurt on a daily basis. I would rather take care of him, instead of me….because I don’t want to feel the hurt of separation and I don’t believe I will be able to get through it.” I understand it would be devastating, but just as fear is preventing him from committing, fear is preventing you from fighting for something more in your life…whether it’s with him or someone else. So you BOTH have fear at the center, controlling your choices and creating the design that shows up. And I don’t blame either of you. Fear is VERY powerful. Facing it is not easy. AND….there is nothing that can create greater strength and trust inside YOURSELF than when you decide to face it and find out you are okay. Facing all of my fears has created an internal strength inside my spirit that allows me to risk, connect and love on an incredibly deep level. I have earned that though. Had I not faced all my fears, I would not get to feel what I feel today.
So you have choice to make. Do you want to keep playing the mom role for him…taking care of him, being the leader, making him as cozy as possible so he doesn’t leave or face his fears….or are you going to decide that is not the kind of relationship you are interested in and you create a different design…either with him or without him??
This is soooo tough!!! I wish there were an easy way out of this! What I can tell you is that there are a lot of gents out there who would tell you, show you and shower you with BOTH actions and words about how they feel towards you. They will be more than willing to go to the depths of love with you and explore what that feels like….BOTH FEET IN!!!! So…if that is what you want, then create it.
I hope it is with him and he decides facing his fear is worth keeping you.
Heidi
Hi Duygu I,
Thank you for writing in! This is definitely a challenging situation!
I just have a few questions and will offer general ideas until I get more specifics.
1. Is there a time at which both of you will be able to be in the same space for extended periods of time?
2. I am wondering what is so special with this guy that you are willing to develop a relationship where you see him very occasionally.
3. How long has this relationship been going on?
4. Do you guys ever talk on the phone or only text?
5. Why did you break up with him in the first place?It sounds like he really kept in great contact during all of his travels. That is wonderful! The challenge is, it is very hard to really get to know someone through texting. It takes quite a bit of time to see how you both interact together (in person) in all different kinds of situations, in order to know if you both are a good fit for each other. I hope you both will be able to create more of those experiences.
I do want to address your reaction towards him. It sounds like you understand that your emotional reaction towards him was not handled in the best way. Did you text him all of this or talk to him? Have you apologized at all? If you have this pattern of not being able to control your emotions and handle your hurts with grace and good communication, I would recommend that’s where you start learning about yourself and learning the skills of how to communicate hurt feelings in a healthy way. You can apologize and feel bad all you want for pushing away your guy, but it will not mean anything unless you take some action so it does not happen again. Care about him enough to not put him through this. Care about yourself enough to feel good after saying how you feel in a healthy way vs. pointing fingers and blaming.
One of my favorite techniques is to say, “when you do __________, I end up feeling like ________________” Help teach him how to be a better partner for you. He cannot know how to be better unless you teach him what works well for you and what does not work well for you. Instead of pointing the finger, get curious about him and learn why he did what he did. He forgot your birthday and that hurt you. Do you know why he forgot? Did you talk to him about this? This has happened to me before and I just simply said to him, “It hurt that you didn’t remember my birthday (I then asked him what happened). I will forgive you and if you would like to make it up to me, I would still be open to a birthday celebration with you if you would like to plan it.” No fight….just hurt feelings and him apologizing like crazy. He felt bad enough as it was, so I did not need to make him feel worse.
My point is, your goal when communicating your hurt feelings, boundaries or needs, is to keep the situation calm and help the other person NOT put their walls up and defenses up. You want the person to stay open and connected with you. HOW you say something can make a big impact as to their response. It is a lifelong skill that is crucial to keeping a relationship healthy. Dr. John Gottman did the largest study (20 years) on what made couples last and actually be happy. There were 4 ESSENTIAL qualities he found that were crucial to this….one of those qualities was “treating each other with respect, even in the hardest, most difficult moments.” If this is something you want to experience, then you have to be able to be kind and respectful, even when you are deeply hurt or angry. Check out his website! https://www.gottman.com/blog
Also…here is another short little video clip talking about blaming. This is fabulous! We are all familiar with this particular topic, so I loved how it was taught…quite funny! https://youtu.be/RZWf2_2L2v8
Looking forward to more details!!!!
Hi Minh! So much has changed!
I want to support what Kanya is saying about the possibility that you are only attracted to the exciting, unknown, challenging aspect of a dating / relationship. I used to have about a 2 week tolerance to hang with a “nice” guy. I was all about the bad boys that played the games. The nice guy was “boring” and “unstimulating” and basically too easy. I didn’t have respect for that kind of guy. After a lot of healing work, I really connected into the source of why I felt that way. It was amazing that as I healed those wounded parts of myself, what I was attracted to completely changed!!! Today, I totally crave and invite being treated extremely well and I LOVE the nice guys!! The more drama and challenge, my stomach will get tied up in knots and I will instantly create space and disconnect. No more drama and challenge and unhealthy excitement.
My point in sharing this, is just like what Kanya mentioned, it really could be that you guys are not the best match OR there really could be some beliefs and old wounds that are influencing your desire to connect but then disconnect. From what you said about this being a pattern of yours, my inclination is that you are sabotaging (subconsciously) and preventing a man from really being able to see the full depth of who you are….sabotaging intimacy….sabotaging deep connection. Do you feel this is possible?
Thank you for keeping us updated!
Heidi
Hi again! I want to add a little something to what I wrote yesterday. I possibly came off quite strong. I had written to you just after returning home from seeing the Wonder Woman movie…lol. So my warrior maiden spirit was quite alive!
I still would take the same approach but I wanted to add a way to say it. What if you had a conversation something like this…
“I care about you deeply. I love you. I feel so well treated, taken care of and cared for by you and it’s wonderful! I love being with you and I am very clear that I would like to continue growing with you. We keep having this conversation about how we are not compatible and we do not have any long term potential. I disagree, but it is not my place to convince you of that. What I hope for is that you will feel the same as I do and are inspired to want to keep me in your life. What I am needing is some clarity and to be on the same page as you. If you truly feel we do not have potential, then I need to really think about that and consider what this does to my heart. If you feel we do have potential, then how about we stop talking about everything that is wrong. If there really is something that needs to be changed or resolved, then let’s work on making specific plans to resolve it instead of continually talking about it. If you are not sure how you feel, take some time to think about it. I will give you a week. If, by the end of the week, you do not have a clear vision of the direction you want to head with me, then I need to make my own decision. How do you feel about this?”
This way, you are telling him everything he is doing right with you and kindly asking him to make a decision and stop being split between his actions and words. Hopefully this helps you feel a bit more comfortable confronting a challenging topic with him….if you choose this approach.
Good luck and keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi SW! This is quite the unusual situation you are in and you are asking a lot of wonderful and very valid questions. I want to re-iterate what Kanya said. He has some type of “block” preventing him from being able to SAY the words with how he feels.
I would guess there are 2 scenarios that could be happening here:
1. I call this a split. One part of him feels one way (not safe to fall in love) and another part of him feels a different way (love and connection feels so good!)….and depending on who is in charge at the moment, is who you end up interacting with. No different than someone saying they want to lose weight so they learn about nutrition, they exercise AND they have a piece of pie every day that they wash down with a soda. One part WANTS to lose weight and another part does not. Usually there is some type of trauma or disruption in their past that causes this. Either way….what I want to say about this, is that it does not really matter what his story is… he is split, therefor you do not have ALL of him. He is not integrated and united in his thoughts and feelings about you, so you only get the parts of him that are voting for you….the other parts of him voting against you will always “block” that part of himself away from you. You say his actions are showing you that he really loves you….well don’t you consider the conversations of how “incompatible you are and your relationship is going nowhere” an action? Reality is…he is not integrated and therefore…OF COURSE you are confused and your reaction of having hurt feelings and feeling depleted is a normal reaction anyone would have in my opinion. It’s your system telling you something is “off.” You love him, are committed and want to grow with him, yet his words (words are powerful) are completely rejecting to you!! OUCH!2. He could be using this as a technique to help him fill his void and feelings of insecurity. You know those people who fish for compliments by cutting themselves down? For example, a girl might say “Man, I really look fat in this dress!” just so she can hear her friend say, “No you don’t! You look beautiful!” He might be doing the same thing only he cuts you down and the relationship. By constantly telling you that this won’t work and all the things that are wrong with you….if it activates in you the feeling to fight for him and validate him and help him through his challenges….he then gets a nice dose of feeling fought for by you because he feels pretty worthless inside. So essentially, he is setting up conversations so you can “re-assure” him of how wonderful he really is and he feels your desire to connect which in turn makes him feel safe and valued (because he doesn’t value himself…he needs you to do it for him – I’m not saying he does this consciously)
Bottom line here is…in my opinion, it’s time to draw the line. It’s been 3 years and it sounds like a constant conversation you have been having throughout time. He obviously has some fears and low self-esteem that he is projecting out onto you and you can only do so much for him. It’s time for him to decide. He needs to face his fears and his split thoughts and emotions if he is ever going to resolve this in himself. YOU CANNOT DO THIS FOR HIM!
To me…yes, it is a deal breaker if someone cannot SAY how they feel. Words AND actions are the ways we express our feelings and if someone is telling you 2 different stories, you have a guy who has 1 foot in and 1 foot out. There is no deep commitment there…I don’t care how much his actions tell you otherwise. He is not living in this relationship as a united and integrated person.
He literally is telling you everything that is wrong with you and the relationship. Those words should have power just like his actions do. Yes, words can be words…and I know everyone says “actions speak louder than words” BUT…words do have meaning too. Just because actions might mean something more, does not mean you completely disregard what someone says. What if someday he were to get sick and eventually end up in a wheelchair and he loses his body. All he would have left are his words. What then? What kind of love do you think would exist at that point between you guys? I know that may be an extreme example, but it can be reality…you never know! My point is…When you choose a partner to share your heart with, you MUST consider if they are safe to care for your heart under any and all circumstances…no exceptions! Do you feel you could do that with this guy? Feel completely and utterly safe to have him hold your heart in his hands under any and all circumstances and treat you with kindness, care, love and nourishment?
Again…it does not matter what exactly he is doing and why he is behaving this way….what matters is that he is….and you have a choice to make. Is this a cycle you are willing to continue? Because no matter how bonded you become through the actions, can you handle not hearing “I love you” for another couple of years? If you can, then you just wait until he is ready. You totally get to do that! I’m guessing though, that something in you does not feel safe with your heart in his hands if you are writing in here. Your gut is telling you something is off here and you are needing some type of resolution…because you can’t take much more of this. He is hurting you with these conversations….he is bonding deeply with you all the while telling you everything that is wrong with you and your relationship. Again….OUCH!
You can approach this in 2 ways:
1. When he brings up this conversation again…you can say, “listen…this is not something I am willing to talk about anymore. It’s the same conversation we have had several times and it sounds like you are still convinced we are not going anywhere. So it sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do and a decision to make. I know what I want, so you need to decide what you want. When you have figured it out, let me know. I can’t help you anymore.”2 You can be direct. Let him know you are not willing to move forward anymore unless he decides there is a chance to grow together….or not. You value your heart so much and you are not interested in sharing it anymore with someone who is not completely ECSTATIC and OVERJOYED to get to have it. No more being split or playing games….no more talk about how you are not compatible all the while making you breakfast in bed and sharing deep, intimate thoughts…..either you are together and growing…or you are not.
Either way….no more playing this game and letting him play tennis with your heart. If he won’t fight for it, then he is not a safe person to bond deeply with.
I know I am taking the hardline here. It’s been 3 years. He is obviously dealing with some serious fear, but that fear is causing you hurt feelings and depletion over and over again. Love yourself enough to no longer play this tug o war game…help him face this fear by no longer allowing him to be indecisive about YOUR heart, your time, your emotions, your deep and intimate thoughts and feelings.
I hope this gives you a bit of a different perspective. This is a very confusing situation! Hopefully he will face his fear and sweep you off of your feet! I wish that for you!
