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Oh Cara! I am so sorry!! I know how completely shocking and life changing it is to hear someone finally have the strength to be honest…and that honesty goes against everything they were portraying and saying to you prior. It hits very deep in the heart to be fooled like that.
I’m sad that he is making these kind of choices. It sounds like he is deeply unhappy and this other woman is like a band-aid for him. They have no negative history together and I am sure she is a great support for his misery. A relationship like this will have MANY of its own problems that show up at some point.
I am glad you are able to look at yourself and see how your choices affected him. That is the BEST thing you can do to grow. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly know how. You even hired a coach to help you through this tough time. Well done!
As far as saving your marriage, nobody can tell you that. What I do know, from what you are telling me, is that he is pretty miserable and depressed. It sounds like he has quite a bit of baggage that he has to deal with if he is ever going to be a good father, a good partner, a happy person. It also sounds like he would rather be in his misery than to really face the darker side of himself. He would rather have an affair than to try and get some real help that is going to make the deeper changes.
To be honest, I think for right now, you need to solely focus on your own healing and NOT getting him to come back to you. I understand you both love each other, but that love is not functional at the moment. He needs to deal with whatever past stuff is blocking him from his happiness. He needs to be able to forgive you for your limitations and choices from the past…and it sounds like that is not the kind guy he wants to be right now. So let him retreat. Let him go deal with this the way he needs to….on his own. The more you try to connect or “force” him to do anything, the more he will become resentful.
If you give him some space, he will feel like he can breathe again and will be able to figure this stuff out, the way HE wants to….not the way YOU want him to. Let him go. THEN….maybe down the road he will be more interested in coming back….because you gave him the space he needed…you respected HIS desires and HIS way to process his stuff. He tried it your way and did not respond. So let him try it his way.
Your job for right now, is to work on forgiving him….forgiving him for this continued affair, forgiving him for not fighting for you and your son, forgiving him for hurting you….forgiving him for fooling you all this time and choosing to run vs. being more authentic. There is a lot of hurt here and the very first step is to work with that hurt and freeing yourself up from all the low self-esteem that gets activated from a situation like this. THEN….you can begin to make more clear decisions about what works for you.
Do everything you can to set boundaries from a clear mind…not an angry mind that is punishing him for hurting you. This is why forgiveness is crucial, as he is still a dad and wants a relationship with his son. When you let go of the yucky stuff about all of this, the boundaries you set will be more healthy. And it will take some time….and you will have to forgive him every single day….and that’s okay….you fight for yourself. You fight for clearing all the gross, heavy emotions that you are feeling so you can be a better mom and a better team player with your husband.
And when you do that, he not only will see and feel you shifting (which may inspire him to fight for himself) but your interactions will be better and more healthy and he will feel more safe to be around you.
For right now, keep it light with him. Stay away from deep heavy thoughts. Go deal with all of your emotion on your own and keep getting some help for yourself. He already is so full of depressions and hurt and to add your hurt on top of it, is going to only take him deeper into his misery.
Hi Princess! Would you be willing to share more details? Is there something that happened that caused a separation? Is there a reason you guys are not talking?
No one can predict what a person will do. The best any of us can do is to put ourselves out there in some form or fashion and hope that we get the response we are looking for. The rest is up to the other person. If he isn’t responding, you may want to look at what would make him not respond? That’s why it would help us advise you more if we knew why you guys were not talking. There may be a different way to approach getting him to communicate with you.
Hope to hear back from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Suzanne. Thank you for explaining in more detail about what caused the break up. It makes more sense now. Which one did you text him? The one saying he didn’t need to avoid you? I also want to strongly encourage you NOT to text him things like that. Anything of that nature, CALL him. It will help for him to hear your voice…your compassion…your kindness and acceptance. Words are so much more powerful when there is a voice put to them. Besides, he will believe you much more when he hears your voice vs. a text.
I have a few questions for you. I want you to do the best you can to put aside your need to have him back and be as objective as you possibly can….and then we can go from there.
1. Why do you think he did not want to get married? You guys have been together 10 years. To me, that raises a GIANT red flag. If he is not willing to marry you after 10 years (which 7 years is a common law marriage anyways), then I imagine he has no interest in marriage at all….probably ever. What do you think that’s about for him?
2. If you want him back, are you okay not getting married? You really would have to let go of that idea. You really truly need to make sure that the thought of getting married to him completely goes away. Do not get him back and then start asking this from him again a year later. He made it very clear he is not “ready” (not sure what there is left to be ready for) so that means that if he ever does become ready, HE needs to initiate the process totally and completely. You stay away from the subject and let that dream go. He needs to have you accept him completely for where he is at and who he is. If you cannot do this, then you really need to consider letting him go.
It sounds like he felt a lot of “nagging” from you even beyond your desire to get married. I’m not sure what any of it was about, but you also need to get clear about those topics as well. It sounds like he is not interested in compromising on the subjects you “pushed him” about. I want you to consider this as well. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend 20 more years with? You told him you wanted to fight for the relationship to get better and he told you to leave since that’s what you “wanted.” Which tells me, he was not willing to fight for the relationship to the same level you were. Are you absolutely sure that this is what you want in a relationship? I know it has been 10 years. I know you separated for 2 weeks and wanting him back is very natural. However, I would hate to see you give up your needs in the relationship, just to have him back in your life. Love is not enough. You need a partner who will fight WITH you and for you and for himself if a relationship is going to not only last, but be healthy.
So really break down what your needs were. You were “pushing” him to help you meet your needs. Do you feel those needs were reasonable and healthy for you and he was not listening? Do you feel those needs were pretty normal for a relationship? And whatever those needs were, would you be able to take care of them yourself and not need those things from him anymore? When you “pushed” for him to meet those needs, how were you doing it? What would he say when you asked him for those things several times? Do you feel that maybe if you approached the subjects differently, he would have responded differently?
Here is the thing Suzanne. I know you are hurting a lot right now. I know you miss him and want him back desperately. I would hate to see you get him back, only to end up in the same spot again….him deciding to bail because he doesn’t want to deal with the pressure. I don’t know the details of what you were asking from him aside from getting married, so my advice to you may be different if I knew more information. So again, really evaluate if your needs were reasonable or were they asking a lot? If they were reasonable, are you sure you want to give them up? I imagine those needs will show up again in the relationship….and then when they do, I imagine you will push them aside for awhile because you don’t want to lose him again…and then at some point, you will naturally start pushing again. Do you see the cycle that could occur again?
What’s next….answering all my questions (not necessarily on this forum if you don’t want to – but with yourself) Get out a pen and paper and write down my questions and then answer them. Writing things down will surprise you. You will find that so much more ends up coming out vs. just “thinking” about it…AND….it gives you a written record of how you are feeling….something you can refer back to. If you don’t like writing, then you can always type it up or you can digitally record it all. I remember one of the toughest breakups I went through, I used a digital recorder. I carried it with me everywhere. Mostly when I was in my car, I would just talk to it, as if it were him. There were moments where I missed him deeply and I told him. There were moments where I was so angry…and I told him. There were moments where I cried…and I told him how he hurt. I was so surprised how much it cleared my energy. Right now, you are so focused on getting him back that I imagine you are not paying much attention to yourself. As long as you stay in this high emotion of not being okay without him, then you lose perspective, clarity, wisdom and the gifts that are here for you during this time. I know this may not be what you want to hear right now and I sure as heck don’t blame you. I would not be a very good objective opinion if I did not say this side of it though. You can always just ignore me of course. This is completely your design.
If you would like to just continue on this journey where the only thing that matters is getting him back, I would say to sit back and wait. Do not text, do not call. Let him reach out to you. He needs to feel the absence of you. He needs to be able to miss you a little bit. Besides, if his main ending experience of you is feeling “pushed” by you all the time, then you need to give him a different experience. If he just keeps feeling you pushing again…to come back, to connect, to talk….it will only remind him of why he left in the first place. So again, this is a looooong haul. Wait a few weeks. Give him the space he is asking for. That is showing him that you can respect his wishes vs. pushing your wishes on him. Does that make sense?
We would love to hear your thoughts, more questions or just how you are feeling. We are here to help you through this!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth. My heart aches with you. I am so sorry for this. It is shocking, deeply deeply hurtful and life changing. Moments like these remind us how much we are not in control. That’s why love is a risk right? Every single day it is a risk because at any given moment, something happens and creates a life altering change. Like you said…there are gift in the middle of your deep pain. There always are. Soon the gifts will show themselves to you. Soon the gifts will give you strength to replace the feeling of loss and failure.
You know what though? You are more than the pain…you are more than the depression…you are more than the failure. A deep trust has been broken with his choices. I imagine, at this point, that the healthier side of you would not want him back. Your other half, of course, wants him back because you have 25 years of your life and identity wrapped around him and it’s just been ripped away. So I would suggest to NOT make any decisions at this point except to focus on your healing. Focus on getting grounded and centered back on the TRUTH instead of the lies that fuel the hurt. Every time you hurt deeply, you are saying something to yourself. You have a story that you keep repeating over and over that is the fuel for the fire of your hurt. Every time you say that story or thought, follow it with the truth and continue the story.
For example, each time you feel guilt or like a failure, follow it with, “I am more than this guilt, I am more than this failure and I AM GOING TO HEAL. I choose to see the truth about this situation through the eyes of goodness and light (or whatever works for you)!” Work on finishing the story, work on counteracting the lies with truth EVERY SINGLE thought. Do not let your own shadow swallow you up right now. You bring the light into the shadow. They will co-exist right now, but eventually, the light will start to shine brighter the shadow will start to diminish.
Find something that brings you joy as well. Right now, you have got to bombard yourself with anything good! Get smiling and laughing! Go to a comedy show, go dancing or take dance lessons, go visit an animal shelter, go volunteer somewhere, watch movies that make you feel strong and hopeful (I love Under the Tuscan Sun as a break up movie), get creative with maybe making something, or drawing or painting….go buy a dozen bouquet of flowers and surround your home with flowers, take calming baths….there are so many things you can do EVERY SINGLE day to start to lift your spirits. Make a list and pick 4 or 5 you can do each day to start to put money your soul bank. Yes…this IS the time for you to connect to yourself…for you to love yourself through this darker time. THEN…when you feel like you are more grounded in the truth, centered in your heart….THEN you can decide what is best for you.
Keep breathing…some moments it’s just about taking one breath at a time. You can do this! You have everything you need, WITHIN YOU, to heal….to forgive…to love.
Keep us updated and share as much as you need. We are here to help you through this!!!!
Hi Maria! I sure know how you feel. It’s beyond frustrating to be left high and dry, without any kind of explanation. It leaves you feeling like you did something wrong. Here is the thing…no one can answer the “why” except for him. All you know is that he disappeared. Is this a long distance relationship? It sounds like your only communication is through technology.
I had a friend I met at a conference. He lived in Michigan and I lived on the west coast. Over the 3 years that we were friends, we talked quite a bit for seasons and then less so, sometimes. There was a point where he communicated his frustrations that I was not very responsive to him anymore. I barely called and when we did talk, I always had to go. He was right. My business had exploded at the time and I was working like crazy and had no energy to talk on the phone for 2 hours at a time. So we made an agreement. I was going to just call him daily and talk for about 15 minutes (that’s the simplified version). So I did that…for 1 week. I was getting NO response from him. He never answered the phone and he never called back to even acknowledge my efforts or anything I was sharing with him. 2 weeks went by and I finally left a message saying that I was not going to share my daily thoughts with someone who wasn’t going to respond and interact with me. I never heard back from him. I started to get worried. I waited a few days and called again, telling him I was worried, was he okay, I hope he wasn’t in a hospital somewhere. After about 3 weeks of no response, I found his girlfriend on Facebook and messaged her, asking if he was okay. She responded quickly saying, “Yes! He is doing great!” So my next message to him was saying, “I have no idea why you are not responding, but this is not okay for me anymore. I miss you and I thought I was working WITH you to create a good friendship. If I do not hear from you by Sunday, the door is closed and I will no longer make further attempts. If you want to fight for this friendship, please call me by then.” So he called me Sunday morning for a brief 5 minute conversation basically saying he did not want to be friends anymore. There was nothing I could even do about his reasons. He changed…and that’s what people do…sometimes towards us and sometimes away from us…we have no control over that.
What and why someone does this is about their own journey. All we can do as friends or girlfriends is to be the best that we know how….unfortunately, that is not enough sometimes. The best we can do is forgive them for disconnecting and forgive ourselves for not being able to get our needs met…and move on.
I want to encourage you to spend less time worrying about what you “did” and more time ALSO looking at him for who he is showing you he is right now. He disappeared. He is not being a good friend right now. Whatever his reasons, it’s not respectful nor caring to handle a friendship this way. There is also the possibility that something bad may have happened. You just don’t know right now.
The best way to approach this is to inquire. Do not get into “what did I do wrong” with him or all of your hurt feelings. You can do that later. Right now, you just need to gather info and create a safe enough space for him to contact you. You keep it really simple. A guy will respond much more to that, than an emotional lady who he feels may blast him for disappearing.
Start simple, “You have disappeared. I haven’t heard back from you in awhile which is really unusual. Are you okay?”
If he doesn’t respond, you can say “Okay…now I am getting a little worried. Are you in a hospital bed somewhere? Even if you don’t want to talk, that’s okay. At least tell me that you are okay and safe. I will leave you alone, if you wish, after that.”
If he still doesn’t respond, I suggest putting a time limit on it like I did. It will help YOU create closure even if he is unresponsive.
I’m sorry you are having to experience this. It feels so yucky to be ghosted.
Keep us posted and let us support you through this!
Heidi
Oh man Suzanne! I bet that really hurt to watch him avoid you like that. Isn’t it crazy how you can be so intimate with someone and spend 19 years with him and then have a moment like that? It’s heartbreaking and shocking! I imagine he just wants to avoid you because he is seeing someone else and he does not want to face you. I imagine it would be very uncomfortable for him, so he is avoiding you instead. I’m so sorry for this!
I really want to encourage you to take a step back. Instead of focusing on getting him back sooner than later, let him ride this out. Give him some space and let him do whatever he needs to do to get this out of his system. All the while you can be a “LITTLE” available, but also not too available. I would not use the “I really hurt you didn’t I” technique. I want you to really connect to the “extended horizons” chapter and concept. That is what you need to connect to most right now. It is going to take some time to get his attention back on you. Partly what will need to happen is he needs to get bored with the 20 year old. He needs to start to feel his needs that are not being met by her… and that can take some time. Once he starts to feel his needs NOT being met by a 20 year old, he will hopefully be reminded of you and how wonderful it feels to have history with someone and how wonderful it feels to be with someone closer to his age.
He avoided you because he does not feel like you and him will have a good interaction. So you can always call him and say, “Hey….I noticed that you avoided me. I guess I understand and wouldn’t blame you for that. I just want you to know that you don’t have to. I’m not angry at you and I definitely don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me. We have 19 years that we shared together. You are my friend and someone I care about deeply, so know that it’s okay. I am okay and we are okay.”
Again, you want to establish a feeling of safety for him. Otherwise, you will never get to have interactions with him. He needs to feel peaceful around you, he needs to feel that you are still connective and that you are forgiving. If he feels like you are always trying to get him back, that will push him further away right now. So be friendly and just create casual, peaceful interactions right now.
I also want to recommend again, that whatever caused the separation in the first place needs to be addressed at some point….he needs to feel like things are going to be better….to be different….if he is ever going to be inspired to be with you again. So see if at some point you could have a conversation about it. I still would suggest to say what I said in the previous post where you acknowledge how he felt and that it is a good lesson for you. When you validate his experience, he will hopefully feel listened to and have a good experience with you.
So set up a plan of how you can have short, peaceful interactions with him. Turn up your patience dial and let this run its course. And while you have this time to yourself, you can spend it working on yourself and learning how you can be better. If he does return at some point, you can help create a new relationship again instead of falling into the same patterns that caused the breakup in the first place.
Heidi
Hi Janja!
I am so happy to hear that you are finding your way again and able to see this situation more clearly. I have a lot of respect for you that you wrote into us and listened to our guidance. Many people would not have asked for help and even if they did, would not have listened to advice that took them in the opposite direction than they wanted. You are quite strong to have awareness about yourself and your patterns! Well done!
Since this is a pattern of yours, I would recommend setting up a good system to protect yourself. You know that you fall easily for a man, so set up certain timelines and “tests” that must be passed BEFORE you open up your heart a little more. Make sure he meets your friends and then ask your friends about what they think. Set up a rule of “no sex” until after 10 dates. Set up a rule of only seeing the guy 2x a week for 1 month, then you can go to 3x a week. These are just ideas, but it will help you slow down and not rush into anything. Once you rush, you miss all the signs of them being another guy you attracted that needs you to help them through stuff. The only way to shift this pattern of yours is to go about it differently. Have caution. Make the guy earn certain things from you. Learn how to have impulse control. I know this is definitely not fun, but when it comes to matters of YOUR heart, protecting it more is much healthier than laying it out there for the taking. Use your friends as accountability. Ask for their help in setting up these guidelines and ask them to help you stick to those guidelines, because it won’t be easy! But it will be worth it!
I also want to confirm what Kanya said as well. This guy is not healthy for you. Let him go completely. Do not let him back into your life. It’s okay to go cold when someone does not respond to you. He definitely has A LOT of challenges he has to face and would be another guy you would have to help “fix.” This guy fits the profile for what you are used to experiencing. So now is the time for you to change that. Say “no” to this guy completely. Even if he tries to come back or you run into him, DO NOT let him back in! It’s time for you to find a nice guy who knows how to fix his own mess!!! It’s quite wonderful to experience a guy like that! It’s easy, it nourishing and it will put a huge smile on your face. Give yourself the chance to meet a guy like that! So set your standards and do whatever it takes to keep to those standards!!!
And lastly, I really want you to be aware that you can be FOOLED! I know you did not believe that this guy’s intention was to use you, but you also can be fooled. I am highly aware of people and their words and how they act and what all of it could mean AND I also know that I can still be fooled. So whenever I am getting to know someone for the first time, I not only listen to their words, but I am also watching that their actions match their words. And all of that takes time and experience together. Words are just words and are empty until there is proof to them…especially with someone brand new. So remember that in the future, before you hand over your body, your heart, your trust so easily….be cautious and watchful. Because no matter what this guy said to you, when it came down to it, his actions said something completely different than his words to you….so he was fooling you about something. Who knows what and who knows why….none of that matters. What matters more than anything is that you take the lessons you can learn from this.
Forgive him for how he treated you. Forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met and let all the yucky vibes about this experience fly out the window. Start with a clean slate and move on!
I wish you the best Janja!!!
Heidi
Hi Janja!
Wow! Those are some very intense emotions you are feeling for him. It sounds like you guys had a super wonderful and connective time and those kinds of moments are sooooo powerful and can last a lifetime!
You probably will not like what I am about to say, but I want to slow you waaaaay down! Love at first site absolutely can happen….AND….love is not enough….AND there are a ton of chemicals that go rushing through our bodies that give us that “love” feeling….but If love and chemicals were enough to keep a relationship going, we would not have over a 50% divorce rate in this world.
There are some BIG CAUTION flags here:
1. I first want to encourage you to REALLY listen to your friend, if you trust her instincts. If her first impression of him is that he has that “gigilo” vibe, she is seeing something that you are choosing to ignore. I have seen many, many relationships fall apart over the years and heard from one person or the other…”I should have listened to my friends and family. They saw this about him/her from the beginning, but I just didn’t want to listen.” You need to LISTEN to your friend and let her opinion matter to you!!! I understand you are having such a strong reaction to him….but that’s all it is at this point…a reaction with LITTLE SUBSTANCE because you have not spent enough time together to give your “love at first site” reaction some depth.
2. You are ready to jump into a relationship with this guy and you know nothing about him. You don’t know how much of what he has told you is true. You don’t know what he is like when he is stressed out (what if he is abusive physically or verbally?) What if he is a criminal? What if he is already taken??? The reality is, you cannot answer any of these questions about him because you JUST MET! That’s what dating is for….to experience each other in all different situations to see if you match each other. You are wanting to open your heart to him WITHOUT CAUTION!!! DANGER!! He needs to earn the right to get to have you! He needs to prove to you that he is a safe person for you, both emotionally and physically. He needs to earn the right to hold your VERY PRECIOUS, very delicate, very valuable heart in his hands. Just because you had an intense, wonderful connection together, DOES NOT MEAN it’s okay to jump in.
3. Like you are already experiencing, it’s falling apart. Why? who knows. He may be hiding something, he may have gotten back home and reality hit and he is not interested in working so hard for someone 9 hours away. Maybe he doesn’t have the money for that! Maybe it’s moving too fast for him. Again…you don’t know, but he is definitely starting to show signs of avoidance.
I understand you want to be irresistible for him. I understand you have such intense feelings. What I also understand is that those intense feelings make anyone’s view of someone VERY CLOUDED!!! I have felt those intense feelings before. I know that during those experiences, my judgement, my caution, my ability to think clearly was soooooo blocked by how good it felt to feel those feelings. I also knew that I needed help. I needed objectivity, I needed time, I needed to wait for the intense emotions to level out BEFORE I made any decisions about what I wanted. So I made sure that my friends and family gave me their perspectives. I made sure that I set up ways for me to take things slow (like no sleep overs for awhile or no sex until I felt more grounded in myself) HIGH EMOTION of any kind, clouds the mind and heart. You know how they say NOT to make decisions when you are angry??? This is the same….it’s such an intense, high emotion that it’s causing you to go from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. When you go that fast, you miss the journey of getting to know someone. You get sooooo wrapped up in how wonderful that person feels that you end up misssing all kinds of red flags that show up along the way.
What I want to suggest is for you to really listen to your friend. I want you to enjoy these intense emotions but let him earn the right to be your forever person. He has done NOTHING to earn your heart yet and you have done NOTHING to earn his heart. That takes time and experience together. So as hard as it may be, your first step in all of this is to slow down your thinking. It’s a false belief that just because you feel these intense emotions, he is THE ONE. He absolutely could be, but he also could not be. You just don’t know that yet. Remember you already felt once in your life like you met “the one” and it didn’t work out? So I just want you to remember that as you move forward into this.
Another reason to slow down is that you want to allow him to chase you a bit. If you are always available and always initiating and always there for him, then he doesn’t know what it feels like to NOT have you. And that is the most important part in the chase. Usually a man likes to hunt. So if you are ready to plan a future with this guy, he hasn’t really gotten to go through the chasing and then catching you, which makes you sooooo much more of a prize! If a hunter goes out and shoots an arrow into a deer that is just laying down and not giving the hunter a challenge, he will be much less excited about it! So let this guy work for you!!! It’s a healthy thing for a man to do and a healthy thing for you to feel. You get to feel fought for!!
My first instinct about your situation is to have you sit back and wait. See how much he initiates. See how much he works towards making it happen for you guys to get together. Since there is a sense that he might be hiding something, I personally would push to see him in his home town and offer that as the ONLY option for now. I would NOT meet half way. If you do that, you will bond more, you will have an amazing time and you will be even more invested. Do you want to invest your heart, your money, your time with a guy that could be hiding something? You need to spend time together in each other’s REAL lives. This will give you BOTH the clearest picture about what each other is really like. You need to see his home, you need to how people respond to him, you need to see his work, you need to see how he behaves having you IN his space. If you guys meet halfway, it’s just like another vacation. It’s not reality.
See what he does with that. Does he resist it? Does he keep trying to meet you halfway? Or does he love the idea of you meeting him there? Pay close attention to his reactions! His reactions will tell you something about him that you need to be aware of!!
Janja….I wish I could write a super happy and exciting response to your inquiry. I’m sure this is not quite what you wanted to hear. All I can do is go with my instinct, experience and several years of helping people to offer you the best possible guidance. I hope you will consider what I have said.
I wish you the best and would love to hear your thoughts on this and get any updates! I truly wish this turns out to be the most amazing man you have ever met and that you guys have a super happy life together. So try those few things to see if you can get a response from him.
We are here to help, so ask all the questions you need! We are good objective opinions for you!
Heidi
Hi Yemima! Yikes! That’s a BIG CAUTION flag right there. To go from talking about future to all of a sudden panic and breaking up, there is something going on that has nothing to do with you. Whenever something like that happens so suddenly, without some type of event that happened to cause a change of heart, I get very concerned. My first thoughts are some type of mental instability or disorder…do you know if he is on any medication? If it is not in that category, then he is deathly afraid of something and whatever that is, it was there long before you ever came along. If it is not that, then maybe someone else caught his interest…an x girlfriend contacted him, a long lost crush finally paid attention to him…who knows! Or maybe he has a lot of secrets and those got threatened somehow. I could go on and on as to the possibilities of what made him flip the switch so fast.
None of that actually matters….what matters is you deciding if he is the kind of guy you feel safe with….BOTH physically and emotionally. I know I personally would not feel emotionally safe with someone who is talking future with me in one moment and then telling me he lost the magic feelings in the next. That makes him very unstable or not honest and authentic….neither of which makes for a very good relationship.
Of course you would be considering him still! You did have a connection with him and then the rug got pulled out from under you. It’s quite shocking!!! You are pretty strong to even consider that maybe you are wanting this just because it feels good to be liked and it sucks to be dumped. I would absolutely agree that the emotions surrounding that statement would play a role in it.
What I would suggest you do is get VERY grounded in your standards as to how you are treated….under all situations. I always encourage people to look at the person they are dating with the clearest eyes possible and the most important factor to watch is how they handle stress. Does that person run? Do they communicate well? Are they kind or revengeful? Are they connective or do they disappear? Do they blame and play the victim or do they take responsibility? You need to be able to see the WORST in a person and still feel safe and respected by them in those worst moments….and of course, you need to be able to offer them the same in return. That is a relationship worth fighting for! I would easily say this guy does not fall into that category!
I’m sorry this happened to you. I have had similar experiences and it can shake you up a bit! I know I would run through everything I did and said and try to find some type of clue….but you know what??? Those clues don’t matter. If I did the best I could, if I liked who I was when I was with them, then that’s all I can do. If they leave, then they need to leave and I sure as heck am not going to fight for someone who disappears on me. They can go disappear on someone else! You deserve a man who stands in front of you and fights for you, is honest with you, is consistent and stable and reliable. So leave this guy behind and give someone else the chance to sweep you off your feet!!!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
It’s called the Relationship Rewrite Method. I would guide you to customer service to see about purchasing this particular product. Here is the summary:
“The relationship rewrite method shows you a simple path to follow when your man seems to be pulling away. Even if he is currently refusing to speak with you, this method will grab his attention.
You’ll learn how to touch his emotions through special compliments that open his heart to you again. James teaches you how to tempt him to take a step closer, of his own free will. The method works by drawing out the best in him. Then you fan the embers and rekindle the flame of his desire to claim you as his own.”
I’m so happy to hear that you both were madly in love at one point! That gives you something to work with. I still suggest giving him some space and that you take to heart his feelings about being “pushed” or “bothered” about those particular topics. Start looking at what your needs were, different ways to communicate those needs so that you learn how to “inspire him” vs. push him and also look at different ways to meet your needs. If he felt pushed by you and that caused him to disconnect and search elsewhere, then what you can do in the meantime, is understand both of your dynamics that contributed to the situation so you can better learn how work through something like this in the future. Hopefully he would eventually be willing to do the same thing.
The kind of things that may catch his attention, at least a little, would be something like, “You know…I really took to heart how I made you feel when we talked about what caused you to disconnect from me. I can see why you felt like I was on you. I looked deeper in myself and all I really wanted was to get closer with you. My intention was to help and I now see that I wasn’t really helping. I was just pushing you further away from me. Thank you for being honest with me. It gives me something to work on and be better about.” And then just leave it at that. I would stay away from any talk about getting back together. The more available you are to him, the less interested he would be especially since his attention is elsewhere right now. Activate that very natural need to “hunt” in him. If you just let him be and do what he needs right now, without bothering him about getting back together, he will feel more and more safe to talk with you, develop a friendship with you and probably in the back of his mind, slowly will want to re-connect. If he can keep associating “feeling good” around you, then you will keep reminding him of how you guys had something really special. You also want activate his hunter mind, the part of the man that loves the chase, then you might draw him to you. You can flirt, but leave it at that. Keep the mystery and keep the confidence that you are the best thing that ever happened to him….but you don’t need to tell him that…SHOW him what he is missing by being an incredible friend, a good listener, a flirty and sexy AND unavailable.
A 20 year old is nothing compared to what you are to him. Remind him of how good it feels to be with a grown woman…a woman who knows him, challenges him, knows herself and is confident in a real way. It will take some time and several interactions, but that’s okay. It sounds like all that matters to you is getting him back, so although being patient will be very hard, I’m sure it will all be worth it at some point.
Thank you for offering more details! It helps each time to get a clearer picture.
Heidi
Hi Suzanne,
Those are such difficult words to hear from the man you love. It sounds like he was having a different experience of the relationship than what you were having.
I want to say that you cannot “make” anyone feel for you what they do not feel. Currently, you are not only dealing with a guy who says he is not in love with you, he has a history of 19 years with you of which he says he does not feel “in love” with you AND he is with a 20 year old which probably feels very refreshing and light and easy for him as she will not require very much from him. So to try and get his attention back at this very juncture….well let’s just say you have the odds stacked against you. His attention is elsewhere and he is most likely okay with that. If you do get his attention again, it is going to take some time and a lot of patience on your end.
You left because you felt him not interested in you anymore. Have you guys ever sat down and really discussed what caused it? It sounds like maybe you guys grew apart….or a least he grew apart from you. Do you know why? If you don’t know the answer to this, then maybe you guys could sit down and find out what happened. If he only has this experience of loving and caring for you, but not being IN LOVE with you, then getting him back and re-creating what you used to have will not interest him unless something changes. You need to know what needs to change in order to attract him back to you. You can always just ask, “Was there ever a time you felt in love with me? Was there ever a time you couldn’t imagine your life without me? If yes, then what happened? Was there something I did that caused you to start to pull away? I want to know what happened because I want to learn and grow. I want to be a better partner in life.”
I’m afraid that no matter what “phrases” you say, you may just end up feeling rejected over and over again because he has this idea about you that he is not in love you and in his mind, why would he go back only to experience the same thing? So you can say “phrases” all you want, but that won’t fix or change the core issues. If you want real, authentic connection where he is madly in love with you, you need to know if he ever felt that way in the first place and if he did, what changed.
And I also want to encourage you to not ignore you initial instinct of why you left in the first place. You felt not valued or cared about. You felt disconnected and you wanted more. That is a very healthy reaction, desire and need to have. I understand you changed your mind, but do you want to go back to the same exact situation where you left off with him? I would hate to see you fight for a guy who is not into you with his whole heart, body and soul. Accepting less than that will eventually leave you feeling lonely and wanting more. So as you work on getting him back, remember yourself too. Remember that you matter as well in this equation and he needs to hold up his end as well in order for anything to work again.
Have you tried reading the “Irresistible Communication” and the “Rewrite Method?” It can help give you some ideas about what you can do to start to slowly pull him back to you. Maybe as you shift and learn more and start practicing how to be the best version of yourself, he will sense a change and be interested in having an experience with you again.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I truly wish there were magical phrases to make him feel madly in love with you….it would make life so much easier if something like that existed. You guys have 19 years together and that means there are some core, deep challenges that caused him to pull away and that is where you are going to find your answers.
Please keep us updated and keep asking us questions!
Heidi
Hi Suzanne. Man! My heart broke FOR you. Who wouldn’t be sick and heart broken!!! I am so sorry you have to go through this! After 19 years together and then to know he is choosing to create memories with another woman, let alone a much younger woman. YIKES!
Of course he still loves you. He probably is not connected to that quite yet. He will be eventually, but for now….all the honeymoon chemicals are occupying his brain with this new woman and new life. There isn’t much detail that you offered, so I will do the best I can to advise you with the information you have provided.
I am not sure why you guys have broken up and the specific challenges you faced as a couple. I do know that when breaking up (especially after the length of time you both were together) it can feel like a part of you has been ripped away and it leaves a giant hole in your life. And that hole takes time to fill back up with time and healing. It’s that hole that many, many times makes us want to rejoin with our partner, because being with them, even with the challenges, feels better than the big empty hole. So my first question is….are you sure you want to get back together with him? If you were to take away the love and the heartache you feel….and see him as a friend, a confidant, someone who cares for your heart….is he someone you feel safe with and want to keep growing with??
I am wondering if this is a pattern of his. Does he have a tendency to run away from how he is really feeling? Does he tend to search for “bandaids” to make him feel emotionally better versus really confronting what is happening…head on? People that use bandaids can use drinking, drugs, spending money they don’t have, food, increased socialization etc. These types of behaviors can increase when the stress internally becomes more intense. Since he is seeking out his receptionist (she is the bandaid) I am wondering if he has done something like this before.
If you decide that you do want him back, it is going to take some time. If he is having a mid-life crisis, it is something he needs to play out and get out of his system fully and completely or it will come back to bite him in the ass again. Mid-life crises are very layered and dynamic and rarely does the person ever fully understand what is going on. I would suggest that as you wait this out, you take care of yourself really well. Work on healing, work on the issues that challenged your relationship, work on forgiving him for his choices. If you guys do decide to work through things, I would also suggest that you request that you guys work with a 3rd party. Having someone who can mediate and hold both of you accountable can really help you guys get past something like this. Or maybe you can find a book that suits you both and you go through it together. Your relationship and trust has been very damaged and if it is to be repaired, there needs to be much more than an “I’m sorry I hurt you” kind of conversation. ACTION needs to be taken to heal. Maybe you guys go on a couple’s retreat, maybe you join a group of couples that are working through their challenges, maybe you see a life coach or therapist separately or together, maybe you do an online program together. My favorite is John Gottman or Jayson Gaddis. You can google either person and see if they resonate for you. You guys will need some type of help to get through this
You can always say something like this for now: “I don’t know why you are choosing what you are choosing. There obviously is something that you need that I am not able to help with for right now. So I am not going to fight you on this. I want you to explore and do whatever you feel you need to do in order to resolve whatever you are dealing with and I am going to do the same. I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart. I cannot imagine and do not want to imagine my life without you in it. I will miss how you make me laugh. I will miss how you are the first person I want to talk to every single day. I will miss feeling your arms wrapped around me. I want you to know that I will be here when and if you decide you want to try “us” again. It does not mean I am waiting around for me or that I will be open to the idea of that. All it means is that, for today, I believe you and I are meant to be together and I will be open to talking with you when and if you feel ready. I hope that you come around before the door closes on my heart. I believe you are a good man and worth fighting for.”
I do want to invite you to consider really letting him go though. I know you are heart sick and in an incredible amount of pain with how everything has turned out. Give it time…you can and will heal if you choose to. He is not a very kind partner in life if he is choosing to date a young lady all the while trying to work things out with you. Mid life crisis or not, there are healthier ways to go about dealing with his emotions, but he is taking the very easy way out. Eventually, the loss of you will really hit him hard and he may come crawling back…who knows…but YOU have to decide if that is the kind of man you want to hand your heart over to.
Regardless of what you decide to do, what is crucial for now, is to start working on your healing.
1. Look up EFT or TFT on youtube. They are tapping techniques that can help lessen the intensity of emotions.
2. Find new activities or hobbies to participate in. It’s important to start to have some fun, so as to help the constant heartache and depression. Maybe find a dance class? A pottery class? Start some kind of project where you have to make something. Getting your “creative” juices flowing is actually a VERY powerful way to transform your emotions.
3. Watch some movies where you watch the main characters go through what you are dealing with. It helps to have role models. When you identify with a character in a movie and watch them survive and heal from heartache, it helps you do the same. Under the Tuscan Sun is one of my favorites.
4. Volunteer somewhere. When you get yourself into a mode of “giving and helping” it will remind you everything you DO have instead of what you DON”T have. This is very important to keep reminding yourself of, so helping out the community in some for or fashion is a great way to do that.
5. MOST IMPORTANT: work on forgiving him and yourself. Forgive him for not being the kind of man you needed him to be. Forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Each time you have a thoughts and feelings of hurt, anger, sadness….you follow those thoughts with “AND I will forgive him….” It doesn’t matter that you don’t feel it, it matters that you keep saying it. And at some point, you will. If you keep making the choice to forgive, NO MATTER WHAT, you are telling yourself that it is not okay to hold onto hurt, resentment, anger, hurt. You will choose to forgive. Now forgiving does not mean that you forget. Remembering his choices are important…remembering is what will help you navigate future choices. Forgiving means that you let go of the right for revenge. You let go of the feelings of spite, hurt and anger towards him. You decide that you will not be held down by the heaviness of his choices…and forgiveness is what will free you from all of that. You want to get to the point where you are completely indifferent. When you think about his choices that he is making right now, you know you truly forgave when you have no emotional reaction about any of it. If you do decide to move forward with him again, this is CRUCIAL if you guys are going to have a chance.I am so sorry! I wish there were some magic words to make your heart heal and to help you feel better. I hope this at least gives you some direction and ideas of how to keep moving forward in your life. Keep breathing and know that you will make it through this one way or another….one day at a time. At some point, the pain will lessen and you will find your ground again.
Keep us updated. We are here to help and support you in whatever way we can.
Heidi
Hi Geraldine! Man I am so sorry for this! It is heartbreaking to watch the man you love slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do to stop it.
One very important pillar that needs to be a part of a healthy relationship is like-mindedness in how you find joy. What I mean by that is that core values need to be in the same shade of color. How you play together needs to be in the same shade of color. It sounds like you both were in the same shade of color and now you are not. It sounds like you focusing on the business and neglecting him is maybe what started contributing to you two growing apart. I have no idea if he tried to get your attention during that time. You may have been focused on the business and neglected him, but I am curious if he also just allowed that to happen or did he try to fight to keep you guys connected? He is part of the equation too, so make sure you don’t take FULL responsibility for how things got to where they are now.
I want to be very honest with you. When a man says he doesn’t love you anymore, the door is closed, he is seeing other women and makes no effort whatsoever to try to work on the relationship with you….I want to tell you that it’s time for you guys to live separately and for you to start to create your own life. I know you so desperately want him to re-connect with you, but you are running up against a brick wall right now. Who knows, maybe a year down the road he may shift, but for right now, there isn’t even a flicker of light that is letting you know that he would like to stay married.
Maybe you living in a separate space and disconnecting will help him feel the loss of you and spark something in him. Maybe if you decided to get into fitness a little more and join him, at least a little, with this part of his life, he may feel more connective with you. Have you tried asking him why he thinks this happened? When did he notice that he was losing feelings for you? Does he know what caused it? Does he even have any desire for it to come back?
Maybe this was inevitable. I know it is not an uncommon thing that when a guy gets married young and doesn’t really develop his “dating” skills, doesn’t really live out his fantasies or try on all sorts of dating adventures, that those desires and needs will resurface in the 40’s….hence the mid-life crisis. This is a very real thing for men…and it can happen with women as well. When people are together in their early 20’s and get married later in their 20’s…it can interrupt a phase of development. The 20’s is a very natural time for someone to explore and figure out who they are in the world. It’s the very first decade of being an adult and having the adult responsibilities. In the 20’s is when people try on all sorts of things….so by the time they start to get close to the 30’s when the natural need to start a family shows up, a person knows better what they want…because they have lived a little. So maybe this was inevitable since you guys got married in your 20’s and neither of you got to develop through your exploring years….he may have that kind of spirit….a spirit that needs to try on all sorts of things…and he shut that down by dating and then marrying you before letting his spirit experience all that it needed to….and now the need is so strong that he has to honor it. I have no idea how true this could be…I am just throwing out possibilities.
Either way, I want to invite you to honor yourself more. Living with your husband who is seeing other women, not interested in growing with you and living his own life….that is a VERY rejecting home to live in. That is going to ruin your spirit to the very core over time. Would you consider finding your own place where it is peaceful and not rejecting? A place where you can feel safe? A place that is only your energy and not any of his?? This can help you start to gather more strength to either start your own life or to have more strength to keep fighting for him in whatever way you can until you decide to let him go or until he decides he wants to grow with you. I know you may think that living in the same house will help keep you from losing him, but by doing that…you are choosing him over yourself. You are experiencing rejection every single day and the loss of him, every single day. I want to see you fight for yourself more. I want to see you care for yourself more. I want to see you start to choose yourself over him more….so you don’t completely lose who you are in this process. Only good can come from those kind of choices.
I am so sad that I don’t have a clear cut answer for you. When the man you love is not returning the feelings, it’s devastating. It may be time to say goodbye to the dreams you have with him. I’m not sure any type of technique will help you with a guy who just is not interested anymore and is very clearly moving on.
Again, maybe you need to sit down and have a very clear heart to heart so you can deal with reality. Does he have ANY desire or WANT to re-connect with you or is the flame completely gone? Would he be willing to see a counselor with you? Would he be willing to see a counselor with you even if you guys decided to separate….to maybe help make it all more amicable? Would he be willing to live in separate places and maybe start dating again? Would he be willing to go on a couple’s retreat? My guess is the answer is no to all of these questions from what you said. I would ask all of those questions again. You may get a yes for one of those….or you may keep getting a no…of which you need to hear so you can let him go.
I’m so sorry!!! Again, I wish I could tell you differently. Please keep us updated. We are here for you and will help in any way we possibly can!!!
Hi Chanelle! Thank you for writing in. How frustrating for you! I am so sorry you are dealing with this on a weekly basis and I can see why you are now questioning whether or not this is worth dealing with.
Is this a pattern in his life outside of you? Has he done this in past relationships? Has this been happening since you first met or did it start more recently? What does he say when you request for him to just let you know sooner rather than at the last minute?
It’s interesting that he says he treats you badly and that his parents would be ashamed of him. It’s also interesting that he says he likes being talked to sternly. That kind of raises my eyebrow. I wonder what that is about and honestly, there is something that feels a bit off about that. Since I don’t know him, only you would be able to notice the vibe behind saying something like that.
There are a few things that could be going on here…let’s explore:
1. Since he likes to be talked to sternly, he could subconsciously be creating scenarios that bring that side out in you. Who knows why he likes that. It may have a “fetish” flavor to it.
2. He may need the drama. People who grew up in challenge, chaos or drama are used to that. It’s familiar. If he has had a hard life, he may be continuing to create that difficulty so he is always feeling the drama…since that is what he is used to. Peace, ease, nourishment and healthy connection for people that grew up in chaos and challenge….is actually quite boring, so they keep creating the drama since that is what they are used to. Their system does not trust peace, ease and nourishment….their system actually thinks all of that is boring and unstimulating. Again, this is something that, for most people, is a subconscious thing they create. They have no connection, at all, to what they are really doing.
3. He is getting a good dose of “love” every time you get up upset with him. Here is how that works….someone with a lot of low self-esteem will find ways to get “doses” of value from other people because they don’t get it from inside themselves. You know those ladies who will say, “Oh my gosh, I look so fat in this dress” but they only say it so they can here their friend or guy say, “No you don’t! You look gorgeous!!!” They get their dose of value from the other person in that moment. Of course it only makes them feel better for the moment and then they will keep creating scenarios for more “doses” of value. They are on a hamster wheel. People like that never get better because their self-esteem keeps coming from external sources vs. their internal source. He may be doing this with you. Every time he cancels, you get upset….and you being upset means that you care deeply about him. If you didn’t get upset, that would mean you didn’t care. So he gets his weekly dose of love, value and self-esteem each time you get upset.
4. I learned this concept from Dr. Harville Hendrix. It’s called the “Upper Limit.” It is the level of happiness we allow ourselves to feel and it is directly connected to how much low self esteem we have. Here is how it plays out….we each have and empty glass when we meet someone…. and how big that glass is determines how much we allow ourselves to be happy. So we feel happy and the glass starts filling up. If you have a small glass, it fills up quickly…if you have a giant, humungous glass, it takes awhile…but once we reach the rim of the glass with water, our system will start to sabotage our happiness….because the top of the glass is the limit. Low self-esteem is what determines how big your glass is. So let’s take an extreme example of an addict. They have a lot of low self esteem, so when they start to get happy and feel good, their low self esteem will actually not trust that feeling nor believe it’s really possible….so they may meet someone and be happy, but then their glass will fill super quick and they will start to sabotage the relationship pretty quickly, either through drugs, arguments, connecting and disconnecting….anything that will create the drama and ruin the happiness, because their system does not allow them to pass the brim of their glass. He may have reached his upper limit with you. The deeper and closer you get with someone, it is very natural to face and deal with deeper fears. The more you love, the more it means you have to have the strength to risk and permission to feel safe with someone. So if he has reached the brim of his glass, he will keep sabotaging the relationship to bring in the drama to limit how happy and peaceful things could be between you guys. I hope this makes sense. Everybody faces it, it is a very normal thing we all do on some level. In order to make your glass bigger, it’s a matter of facing whatever is causing the low self esteem and doing some healing work. It’s very possible, but not a path that many people are willing to take.
Here is the bottom line….no matter the core reason for why he is behaving this way, he is sabotaging intimacy with you, regardless of the stress is it causing you. So you have a choice to make. Keep trying to figure this out and work with him or decide it is not the type of experience you want to have anymore.
1. You could maybe sit down and say, “Listen…I am not willing to go through this anymore. It is so stressful and ends up making me feel like I’m at the low end of the totem pole with you. I have tried every possible way to tell you that I need you to work on this, but nothing seems to be getting your attention enough. So I will try this one more time. If I do not see you making any effort and working on this with me, then I have to respect that this is just who you are going to be and I have to honor myself by letting you go. I do not want to feel this every week. I do not want to yell at you anymore. I do not want to cry about this anymore. It’s not who I want to be or how I want to feel. So let’s try this. Anytime we make plans, how about texting or calling me 90 minutes before the time we are about to meet and you can confirm our plans. That gives me enough time to get ready. If I do not hear from you, then I will assume that our plans are off and it still gives me enough time to make other plans. What do you think about that?”
2. You could have a deeper conversation about it. Ask him when this pattern started in his life. Ask him about why he likes you being stern with him. Get more details about his parent’s relationship and how they parented him. Let him know that you are curious about him and want to know him more. You are running out of patience with this behavior and understanding more about him may help you have more patience. That conversation may even help him connect into the pattern and realize the deeper reasons that are causing him to sabotage.
Here is the thing….if he is not willing to grow and work on this, then you need to know this about him. If he won’t work on something like this, then he won’t work on other things as well and that makes for a VERY difficult relationship. If he is willing to face this and want to be better, then great! In whatever conversation you choose to have, what you need to ask for SPECIFICALLY is some type of “action.” No more saying sorry. You need him to read a book, you need him to maybe find a life coach, you need him to make more effort to call you sooner, you need him to DO something so you see that he is taking “action” to shift this sabotaging behavior. If he is not willing to take action, then you have a decision to make.
You could also create some kind of behavior modification scenario where he gets super rewarded somehow for making it an entire week without canceling or if he does cancel, he lets you know a few hours in advance. If he can make it a whole week doing that….then maybe you do something super special for him. It may help him feel his like a hero which he needs to enjoy feeling vs. enjoying feeling like a failure.
There is a lot of info here, so good luck on this journey of yours! It’s a tough one!! Keep us updated!
Heidi
.Hi Gwen!
I also want to suggest that maybe exploring his hormone levels is a good option. Men’s testosterone starts to drop quite a bit after 40, which is very attached to their sex drive. Exercising is a tremendous way to help this as well as seeing a doctor who specializes in hormone treatment to get the system back into balance. Heavy lifting in particular is what increases testosterone the most. Does he lift weights at all?
Here is a very good video as well that will support what Kanya is saying about this being pretty normal…it may help you feel validated and understand a bit more about what you and your hubby are facing!
Heidi
