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Hi De B!
Wow! I bet this feels wonderful to have him chase you, especially after going off with another woman. I imagine it feels quite satisfying since it makes you feel valuable!
I do want to encourage you to stay far away. He is abusive and manipulative and many times those kind of people come back when they start to feel like they are losing power. So once he gets his power back with you, he will go back to abusing and being with other women. I guarantee it!
The only way to know if he is truly serious about you and how he feels, is if he actually gets some help. He is sick De B. He has a lot of thoughts and feelings going on inside that are not going to go away just because he feels sorry right now. He has some VERY DEEP problems and the only way for those to start to go away, is if he spent some time (at least a year MINIMUM, with a counselor who specializes in his problems) He may even need medicine. Did you read anything about the “borderline personality disorder” that I sent you? Or the Narcissistic tendencies?
I will say this again…STOP CONTACT! Block his phone number and email so that you don’t have to deal with the temptation of getting back together with him. To be very blunt, he sees you as weak. He has no respect for you and therefore you have no respect for yourself. If all he has to do is beg your forgiveness and proclaim his love for you and then he gets you back….then beats you, then has MORE affairs….then breaks up again, then begs your forgiveness and proclaim his love for you….Do you see the cycle you are considering entering into with him? If you decide to connect on any level…have dinner, keep talking etc. he will know that he can get whatever he wants from you AND do whatever else he wants on top of that….more affairs, more beatings, more blaming you for his unhappiness.
I’m curious….what do you want? Do you TRULY want him back? Do you want to go back to how you guys were? Honestly? If you do, you absolutely get to make that choice. Maybe you need to be hurt really bad again to remember who he really is. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
Yikes! That hurts that he exposed private information to someone within your work circle. I have had that happen before and I have also done the same to someone else. It sucks. It’s even more of a bummer that he tried to defend himself vs. really take responsibility for the trust that he broke. My guess is, he felt horrible though. A lot of people defend when they are so overwhelmed about the hurt they caused. One more thing for you to process now.
I am not so keen on the idea of meeting once a month to do any type of processing with each other. Maybe after you have had some time to heal and feel more grounded in your own power, then maybe it could work. I just usually recommend to stay away from the person you are trying to disconnect from, to allow your heart healing. Otherwise, you could just keep getting triggered over and over each month and the healing could take a loooong time….plus it’s a way to stay connected instead of allowing each other to disconnect and redesign a life without each other.
As far as you telling him you are going to move forward with someone else….is this true?
I am going to be blunt here, so please forgive me if it’s too much for you! It is manipulative and it is not in the spirit of authenticity. It was more in the spirit of “You hurt me by betraying me and exposing information we agreed not to expose. So now, I am going to try and hurt you back by telling you I have met someone else….therefore, I am getting my power back.” Even if it was true, you were trying to get your power back through an external way (through him) vs. finding your inner power which I know is what you ultimately want anyways. You would have found your power through forgiveness and being free from the hurt and I think you know that. But listen….I have done what you have done a gazillion times and most of the time, I knew exactly what I was doing and chose it anyways! I get it, I understand it on a very deep level, which is why I am recognizing it through what you are saying. I could totally be wrong though….so PLEASE correct me if I am inaccurate. Technology is always an unpredictable way of communicating. If I am accurate, then I would encourage you to do your own ceremonies, claim your body, mind and soul back to yourself….in whatever fashion that speaks to you. Hurt comes from having unmet expectations. You expected him to keep things confidential and he didn’t AND he defended instead of cared about your hurt which just intensifies your feelings. Work with that inside of your heart until the pain and hurt is gone.
Let me know your thoughts!!! It’s wonderful to hear back from you! Again, sending you lots of healing and regenerative energy!!!
Heidi
Hi Laurie,
I would love a little more information from you. It will help to know how to best guide you.
How often do you guys communicate with each other? Is it texting, video chat, phone? How did the weekend go together?
So what I am guessing you are saying is that he makes no effort at all to see you? Have you asked to get together and he just keeps saying he is busy? Do you have any guesses at all as to why he is not making any effort?
Lastly, when you say you want him to make more effort to see you, what exactly does that mean? What do you want? Once a month visits?
How do you know that he cares about you? What does he do that makes you feel that way?
Hope to hear back from you soon!
Hi Emma!
I love that you keep checking in!!! It’s wonderful to hear from you.
I want to point out a story that you saying that seems a bit contradictory. “I love Matt exactly for who he is. I loved him before I went to Landmark, so whether or not he goes, does not matter. I will love him regardless.” I’m obviously paraphrasing but the first thing I want you to maybe reflect on (and I could be totally wrong as you are the only one who knows) is it has a feeling in it that you are holding onto the love because you feel love. I have learned, through many times in my life, as I transitioned and grew, the love that served me before my growth spurt, was no longer a love that would support the newer me. I wish it was not like this, but with growth, many times there are losses in friendships or lovers or family because everything changes. What used to work, doesn’t fulfill anymore. So what I want you to really look at, as honestly as possible, is….do you continue to love him because it feels good and he is what you know and you don’t want to feel the loss of him? Or…do you want to continue to pursue him because you whole heartedly know that you and him together are a great match (all around) and function well together and you guys can have a healthy relationship? I would love to hear your thoughts on that!!!
The other part that is a bit contradictory to what you are saying about love him for who he is, is you saying that “I just want him to live his life powerfully. i don’t want to see him struggle. i don’t want to see him in the same patterns he’s been in.” First, he will always struggle, he will always have patterns to deal with and he will always have ways to improve on how he lives his life more powerfully. So my guidance to you, is to get more cozy and comfortable with his struggle. It’s okay that he struggles. It’s okay that he has these limiting patterns. It is the struggle that motivates us to grow right? So if you take the struggle away, then he will never learn how to fight. People always think I’m a little weird when I start to teach how to be okay with pain….especially someone else’s pain. It’s so easy to want to help someone you love NOT struggle, but sometimes, that struggle is the best gift in the entire world for that person and you are trying to take that away. Here is a great quote: “Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.” An analogy that I LOVE that helped me years ago understand this better is here at this link: http://instructor.mstc.edu/instructor/swallerm/struggle%20-%20butterfly.htm There are a gazillion versions of this story, but you will at least get the idea.
I have no idea if you ever ended up inviting him. Not sure if my response is too late. But I thought you were definitely on the right track with how you wanted to start up the conversation. And again, you really want to invite him, so do it! Again, just make sure your intentions are clear and give him freedom to be whoever he needs to be without feeling pressure from you that you want to connect. Does that make sense?
You sound like you are doing some seriously good work! You sound like a completely different person compared to when you first posted on here. I am really proud of you and all the work you are doing. You are doing fabulous!!!! Keep going!
Again, like always, we would love to hear back all your thoughts and how everything went!!!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
Isn’t pain fascinating? It will bring out so many sides to us that have conflicting feelings, opinions and desires. It is dynamic. The most beautiful gift in my opinion, about pain….is that it gives us an opportunity to create more integration (if we choose the path of healing).
I want to say this to you and it may sound a bit harsh…I don’t know. The dream of him falling for you again and you guys being together again…let that go. That part of you that is investing thoughts and feeling into that idea needs to be told the truth instead of being allowed to fantasize. He is not the person who is able to build anything with you at this moment. Even if he did come back to you, I would hope that you would give it serious consideration before taking him back. He would need to show you how he has changed…not just through words, but through actions. When I have been left and then someone comes back to me, I don’t believe their words “I have changed and I have learned” without a lot of in depth conversations about how they have changed as well as really watching their actions. Do they feel different to me? Do they behave differently? Are their actions supporting the changes they claim? He was with you for 25 years and decided to bail. He needs to go face his shadow and that means away from you. If you over-functioned for him a lot, then love him enough to let him go and feel all that he needs to deeply and in his own messy way. Love yourself enough to not bear witness to his chaos and drama as it will only continue to hurt you. Let him go. Each time that part of you starts to dream of him coming back, stop yourself. See yourself kneeling at a gravesite, saying goodbye and forgiving him and yourself. Then see yourself getting back up and turning towards the light for new possibilities. There are endless possibilities for you in that light (and I don’t mean other men – I just mean growth and integration and peace on a deeper level than you ever imagined – however that shows up) but you have to let go of the story. That story needs to have a death and be rebirthed with a new story. And if there are feelings of redemption in that old story (of which I sure don’t blame you! I have felt that as well) then there is still a level of forgiveness that you have not quite reached yet.
One of my favorite things to do when I am struggling to let something go…is I write out everything I need to say to the person as if I am going to give it to them. Then I find somewhere beautiful and take a handful of helium balloons with me. I create a little ceremony by praying, lighting candles and making a very conscious choice to let go of whatever I need to let go of….then I tie the letter to the balloons and watch them float away. It’s beautiful really….and symbolic. Maybe try something to that effect?
And lastly, I KNOW I KNOW!!! being in purgatory sucks! My coach always reminds me when I am fighting against purgatory is that “being comfortable in the “lake of I don’t know” (that’s her phrase for purgatory…lol) is a skill you will have to use for the rest of your life. So stay in that lake and stop fighting it. The answers, healing, changes and transformations will come exactly when they are supposed to…and no sooner. So just get out your floating lounge chair, have a cocktail and hang out in that “Lake of I don’t know” and be in relationship with what it has to teach you.” Have patience Elisabeth. One thing I will often have my clients do (when I do physical strength training with them) is to get into a squat position and hold it. Soon enough the pain will start and everything in them wants relief once it gets intense. I will time them and then stop the timer once they decide they can’t take the pain anymore. Then I take them through a mental exercise where I have them do the squat again but this time, when the pain shows up, imagine going INTO the pain. What is it really? Where is it? Does it have a color? A name? Can you change how it feels? Is it saying anything to you? What’s fascinating is that each person who is willing to go through this mental exercise with me, is able to hold the squat over a minute longer compared to the first squat they did. The concept is “Whatever you resist, persists.” So take a deep breathe and go with the flow. Your rebirth will happen soon enough. Your rebirth will happen when you have learned and experienced whatever you need to. You seem like the kind of person that truly desires and values deep healing and connection with yourself. Well…now is your chance to go deeper and heal on another level!
My favorite quote from Wayne Dyer: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine.”
Sending you lots of love and light Elisabeth! You are exactly where you need to be and you are strong enough and resilient enough to turn this extremely challenging and heartbreaking situation into something beautiful!
I want to keep listening if you wish to keep sharing! You are a complete joy to interact with!
Heidi
Hi Suzanne!
We haven’t heard from you in awhile! How are you doing? Any new developments? Anything new you are learning about yourself….or him?
We would love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi De B
How are you doing? I just wanted to check in see how you were feeling today. I hope being at home with your mom is helpful for you! I know what a tuff time this is for you. We would love to hear from you again and get any updates with how you are feeling or any other questions you have.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Cara!
I wanted to check in on you. How are you doing? How are you dealing with everything that is happening? Are you finding more peace and resolve? Do you have any questions we can help you with?
I’ve been sending a lot of good thoughts your way!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
You write poetry! How you write is very beautiful and full of high vibration energy!
It’s wonderful the kind of insight you have about yourself, your experiences, your patterns and your interactions together. I’m glad you noticed how you over-functioned for him. It’s very easy to do isn’t it? It’s something I have done many times as well and need to stay very connected to that side of myself so as to not do it again.
I just wanted to check on you and see how you are doing. How you processing through your fears? How are you working through your awakening?
I would love to hear back from you!
Heidi
Hi Kwan
I’m so glad you are writing in and getting a different perspective about your situation. I agree with Kanya in that it is best to give him some space.
The reason it can hurt the situation that you texted him how he completes you, you make me whole etc. is that is a lot of pressure to put on someone and it can comes across as if you will not be okay unless he is in your life. If that is what you believe, then the first thing I suggest is to work on that belief system. Like Kanya said, we are complete the moment we are born. When you wrap your well being and identity around someone else, you are them making them responsible for your happiness instead of taking responsibility for that yourself. Relationships are MUCH healthier when 2 people compliment each other….not complete each other.
I know you love him very deeply. I would encourage you to learn to love yourself just as much….without him. And by that I mean, developing your inner strength to be able to be okay without him in your life. I am not saying to stop loving him….I am just saying that whether together or apart, there is something deep inside you…an internal strength…that knows you will figure out your life, you will figure out how to be happy and loving…whether he is in it or not. Does this make sense?
If, for some reason he doesn’t respond in a few weeks, write back to us and we can guide you at that point. For now, work on doing whatever you can to NOT text him. Stay away. Maybe you can occupy your time by reading through all the material you have access to….you will learn a lot about yourself and about him and about how you guys functioned as a couple. Strengthen your communication skills and learn different ways of how to become a better listener. This time apart can really help you focus on how yourself and how you can be better if he is willing to give it another chance.
I would love to hear your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Qianwen,
In general, I would NOT suggest to ask him for financial support. Once money gets entangled between people, it can really cause a mess….especially if the relationship is not solid. Money in general, is an extremely sensitive and dynamic topic for people, so it’s best to only add finances into the picture either when you are married or living together and discussing combining incomes etc. Other than that, keep it out of the picture. It will help keep the relationship more clear and keep a potentially dramatic topic out of the picture.
Good question!
Heidi
Hi LH,
Do you have any more details to share about your specific situation? That is such a general and very large topic, that it’s hard to advise on. Every situation is different, every guy is different so how to attract a man and keep him interested can have several different answers.Have you gone through any of the books? His Secret Obsession or What Men Secretly Want? That might be a good place to start!
Heidi
Hi De B,
Yes! The pain will stop! Eventually you will be able to breathe normal again. Eventually you will wake up and not be consumed with the thoughts of him. Yes….there is hope! Right now….it doesn’t feel like it. It’s normal when you separate from the person you love. It breaks your heart and you feel like there is no end in site. Anyone who has lost a loved one, either through a breakup or death, can tell you that they know exactly how you feel. I know how you feel. And we will just keep reminding you that this phase of initial depression and deep heartache will fade with time.You are not mental! Lol. I get it though. Why would you not want to give up the love of your life who beat you and helped to destroy your self worth. You know what??? That is something you can work with your therapist on. There are a lot of reasons why you are struggling letting go of him. Those reasons are more deep rooted in your heart and something a therapist can help you identify.
Here are some basics though and a something you can begin to practice. Imagine that you have a daughter. Let’s say she is 6 years old and she comes home crying to you, “Mommy….this boy pushed me down today and wouldn’t let me play on the swing. He said I am ugly and can’t play next to him.” She is crying and crying. As a mother, what would your first instinct be to help your daughter? I imagine you would want to comfort her. You would talk to her about what the truth is vs. what the lie is…..which is, she is not ugly, she is beautiful. She is a wonderful person and you are so glad she is around because you really like who she is. That boy does not matter. You would hug her, love her and comfort her in any possible way that you can.
That is what is going on inside of you. You have a little girl who is balling her eyes out because her heart hurts. As the adult, you need to comfort her right now. You need to treat her as if your feelings are delicate, your feelings matter, you listen, you validate, you comfort. That is how you get connected to yourself and work through this intense emotion. It is going to take some time, but you can work through this is you start working with the emotions.
Here is some homework for you.
You are feeling sad and depressed and hurt. What you need most right now is comfort. So make a list of EVERYTHING that brings you comfort (excluding him of course). Here is my list just to give you some ideas:
1.Bouquets of flowers EVERYWHERE
2. Being around animals (you can go to a humane society or somewhere where you can hang out with dogs or something)
3. Volunteering somewhere
4. Makings something (I sometimes go to this place where I can paint my own mug or bowl and then they put it in the fire to make the design permanent)
5. Movies – I love watching movies as a good brain break. I will pick movies where I am watching the main character do what I need to be doing….fighting to get back on my feet (Under the Tuscan Sun, Holiday, 500 Days of Summer, Men of Honor…the point being…you need an outside voice to continue to tell you that you can do it! You can make it!
6. look up EFT and TFT on Youtube. Start tapping like crazy! I will not completely process your emotions, but if you are at a 10 of hurt, when you tap (sometimes several rounds) it can lower the number to a 6 or 5 where it is much more manageable. I use tapping all the time to help me process intense emotions!
7. Find something fun to do. A dance class? Learn how to knit or make jewelry? Learn how to cook? Learn something! Anything that will get your creative juices flowing will interrupt the intense thoughts and feelings you are having right now.
8. I have done this a few times and was AMAZED at how it helped shift my mood for awhile. Buy a dozen roses and go hand them out to strangers. When you give the rose to the stranger, give them a compliment. Or just say, I just wanted to make some people smile today and this is how I am doing it. Helping others and feeling like you are making someone else smile can feel really good!
9. Journal. It helps IMMENSLEY to write everything down. You have so much going on in your head right now that it needs to go somewhere outside of you. If you don’t like to write, one thing that helped with the hardest breakup I have had….I spoke into a digital recorder. Mostly in my car when I was driving. Sometimes I was angry and I told him. Sometimes I missed him dearly and I told him. Sometimes I was angry and I told him. I told him everything I was feeling in the moment….no holding back! It was soooo helpful to just get the words out….to say them! I did that every single day at least once…sometimes up to 5x when I was having and extra hard day.
10. Dance. The point of #9 and #10 is to transform those feelings into something else. When I have been angry, sometimes I will pick the perfect angry song and I just dance angry. Or I will dance out the depression. Getting my body moving and feeling the feelings and letting the music inspire me….its another way to take those intense emotions and DO something with them besides drown in them.
11. Find a voice that inspires you. I LOOOOOVE listening to Brene Brown, Tony Robbins, Oprah, Deepak Chopra, Miriam Williamson….there are so many experts out there that have videos to teach you how to heal. I sometimes, in the darkest moments, would just turn it on and listen. I couldn’t even watch, but I know I heard the words of positive messages. This is another way (along with movies) that you can get some external voices connecting you to the truth…because you are SURROUNDED by lies and that is what is occupying your mind right now…and that is not your fault. Those lies are there for a reason, but your battle right now is to no longer let them have authority over you. Your battle now is to start fighting like crazy to get bury yourself in the truth until it starts to free you up….and at some point it will!
12. Find a support group. There are a ton of groups out there where there are ladies who have gone through the same thing you are going through now. Those groups are normally headed up by a trained therapist that will know how to help you through this time. You may find some inspiration and validation and a light at the end of the tunnel.
And lastly, I understand your story and feeling like you cannot imagine your life without him. What if you continued that story in a different way. Part of re-programming your thoughts and emotions is to start by at least saying it. So here is something you could say. “I cannot imagine my life without him AND I will be okay.” “He is with another woman right now and it hurts so badly AND I choose to make it through this tough time and heal.” “It is all my fault that this is happening AND I choose to learn from my mistakes and I will be okay.” Every time a negative thought comes up, you finish it with the truth. Healing and recovering from intense heartache is a CHOICE! You are going to hurt AND you will heal. But you have to choose to heal. You have to keep telling yourself, even if you don’t believe it, that you are choosing to heal. You are choosing to grow. You are choosing to get back up.
I will say this again and as many times as needed. Your failed marriage is not your fault. Everything that is in him was there BEFORE you met. His view of women, his view of himself, his low self-esteem, his fear, his hunger for power….this all was there from whomever role modeled that to him in some form or another. I agree with Kanya wholeheartedly….I would not be surprised if he has abused several women along the way. All of that anger that he carries inside him like a GIANT BLACK BACKPACK is filled with hurt and dysfunction that happened before you showed up. You just happened to be the target.
I still suggest to disconnect completely. Would you be willing to block his number? That way you will not have to hear from him. Block his email. There is no need to stay connected. You are so vulnerable right now that it is likely you will respond to him…especially if he keeps being nice to you. He knows what works with you and will manipulate you until you respond. You are better off not having to deal with that. You can create some closure and rest by blocking him completely so you can heal.
You can do this! One day at a time, one breath at a time, one meal at a time, one step at a time. Moment to moment…that’s all you need to focus on right now. Just keep taking some deep breathes and work on seeing what you are able to do for yourself from the list above.
Oh! And lastly, I do want to address what he is doing….I have a suspicion that he has some tendencies of Borderline and / or Narcissism. These are both mental disorders in the extreme version, but many times, through traumas in life, we can develop some of these characteristics as a way to function in life. I by no means am diagnosing him with one of these disorders (only a therapist can do that), but if you just google them….it may help you understand a little bit about what and why he is behaving the way he is. Maybe it will help you make more sense about what you are dealing with here.
Keep checking in! We are still here for you!Heidi
Hi Ludwich!
I am a bit confused. In your other post you said you met online and that this guy lives 80 minutes away. I was under the impression that you have met at least once…but maybe I misunderstood.
I again want to ask you…what is making you want to chase this guy? If a guy no shows and doesn’t even text or let you know he won’t make it….AND THEN DOESN”T TRY TO RESCHEDULE with you, he is not that interested. You have tried not text him for a few days. Did he initiate any texting himself? Has he ever tried to initiate meeting up with you on his own?
You want to be a part of his life. That’s a pretty strong thing to say when you have never even met him. I know soooo many people, myself included, who have had AMAZING connections with someone over technology….then when they met for the first time, there was nothing there…at all. It’s amazing how powerful technology can be in fostering connection., so I want you to keep this in mind as well.
What I want to encourage you to do is to slow down. I’m not saying to give up on this guy, but I want you to work towards staying grounded in the reality and truth that you have no idea who this guy is. You are putting in a lot of effort and he is not returning the gesture. That tells you something right there. He says “Yes, I will meet up with you.” Then he doesn’t show up or even text you that he can’t make it. That says he is not his word. He is not a good communicator and is showing you his lack of integrity. Keep that in mind as you continue to try to get his attention.
Lastly….any technique can lose a lot of power and influence when you have not even met the person. You have already tried the “I need your help” approach and that seemed to work. It does not seem to have inspired him to make any more efforts towards getting to know you. Again…I would still recommend to not text….try for a week this time. If he doesn’t initiate anything, I really want to suggest that you let him go. When one person over compensates for the other….when one person does a lot more work towards creating a connection than the other….it creates a HUGE imbalance and can cause a lot of problems.
As far as distinguishing yourself, understand first and foremost, you are already unique. You have a lot of things about you that make you who you are. Knowing that….knowing your value….believing that you are worth knowing and being fought for…THAT IS WHAT WILL DISTINGUISH YOU THE MOST! That kind of confidence will typically attract men quite easily. Making them chase you…make them work to get your attention….they love the chase! If you are too available, if you are too easy to give them what they want….they typically can lose interest easily and lose respect for you.
Have you read “What Men Secretly Want?” I think that is a great place to start. The Respect Principle is what is going to be an important place for you to start.
Keep updating us with any other details that may help us guide you!Heidi
