[Heidi G]

Hi Tami!

I’m so so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds incredibly difficult and you are obviously quite confused. I’m happy to help you find some clarity and explain some things, as I am very familiar with people who have narcissistic qualities.

I just have a few questions. You say he is a narcissist, but there is a difference between actually having narcissistic personality disorder and having narcissistic tendencies that can range from mild to intense. I’m guessing from how you are talking, you have labeled him a narcissist because of your experiences with him and he happens to fit into that “box” of a narcissist from the reading you have been doing about it. Is this correct?

How long have you been together? What does he do that makes you call him a narcissist?

There’s much more to the story. In this last year he’s been emotionally and micro cheating and I have no idea how to talk about these things to get to a resolution. I’m sure there is a ton more to the story. This is just a guess….I imagine you are confused about how to move forward with him and create a “resolution” because the truth is…there is NO resolution with a narcissist. If he is what you say he is, there is not fixing something like that. There is no such thing as a healthy and happy relationship with a narcissist. Why? Because people with those coping mechanisms are insanely fragile and have ZERO ability to be relational in any balanced, healthy way.

Let’s break this down a bit. Narcissim: meeting the needs of the self at the expense of another. Co-dependence: Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. So…basically, wherever you find a narcissistic, you will also find they are surrounded by co-dependents. The ONLY way for a relationship to work with a narcissist is if they are with a co-dependent type of person. As long as the co-dependent agrees to stay in their own pattern of dysfunction, all will work in the relationship. Will it be happy and healthy?? No, of course not. But it can work. The narcissist NEEDS to be served and the co-dependent NEEDS to serve. So it works.

So again, you are confused because you are trying to find a way to have a healthy, happy relationship with a guy who is not capable of offering that to you. Your choice here is simple: You stay and continue to submit to his needs and wants. Since he is not capable of a productive conversation, then there really is no place for you to express your needs, wants, boundaries etc. because he won’t care. So if you want to stay with him and keep the peace, that means treating yourself the way he treats you…ignore your needs, stay silent and don’t acknowledge that something is wrong and you just let him do and be what he wants. That is how you are going to stay with him. If that is not what you want to do, then you leave. It really is that simple. 2 choices…accept who he is and stay…or love yourself enough to leave.

He is NOT going to change. He is who he is and if you know anything true about narcissists, there is NO relationship with them – there is only “managing” the connection. My father was a narcissistic personality disorder which means it’s at the extreme level. I learned about all of this in my early 20s and really had to accept that if I wanted to stay connected to him, I had to control our interactions and my expectations. And it worked beautifully for a while. I made sure we only talked about certain topics. I made sure I always pumped him up and made him feel like the hero whenever he offered “advice.” Our typical socializing included a dinner before a movie, so it was perfect because it was 45 minutes of chit chat and then a movie where we didn’t have to talk. Even with all the “managing” I did, it would occasionally break down maybe once or twice a year and I was quickly reminded of the person he really was. Eventually, I had to let him go and decide that even the “managing” became toxic for me – so we parted ways. You are trying to have a romantic, deep, vulnerable connection with a man who is incapable of that, so there really is no “managing” this kind of situation, because your needs are much greater.

I’m doing RTT, exercise, supplements, acupuncture, yoga, eat healthy, read and listen to things on interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, narcissism and more. I do all these things and still don’t know how to go forward. All of these things do not change the fact that you have connected with a man who doesn’t value you, appreciate you, honor you, respect you or deeply care for you. You are trying to change and manage yourself so you can keep this relationship and it will never work. The truth is, you are miserable.

Here is an analogy I like to use…Imagine you are baking a cake and I give you all the BEST ingredients possible and I tell you, you have to make this cake with 1 cup of shit. So you go to make the cake with the BEST ingredients, the best recipe, yet you still have to add 1 cup of shit to the cake. You can absolutely make it look beautiful on the outside, but you know it will never taste good. That’s what you are doing here…you have the BEST ingredients: your acupuncture, RTT, reading, learning, yoga etc…but all the while, you also have “shit” in your relationship and that is his narcissism – no matter what you do, you cannot change that his narcissism is toxic. But instead of embracing what is…you are still in the kitchen, trying to learn how to turn this cake into something yummy and wonderful. You “don’t know how to move forward” because you have tried EVERYTHING you can possibly think of and it’s still not working. What you are not willing to do, is put down your utensils and the ingredients and walk away accepting that it’s impossible to make that cake the way you want it. NO ONE can make that cake delicious and amazing. IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! So instead of accepting what is, you keep yourself in confusion, in the kitchen, trying to gather more and more information about how to turn that cake into something that it just can’t be. That’s exhausting!!!

Does this make sense? Thoughts on all of this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Veronica,

Welcome! We would love to help you as much as we possibly can. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I know how scary it must be to think he might be cheating again.

I know you don’t want to lose your marriage, but I also know you don’t want to be in a marriage where you don’t feel absolutely loved, emotionally safe, valued and treasured. Whatever is happening in your marriage, it may or may not be fixable. It all depends on how honest, open and willing to fight for the marriage you BOTH are. You may be willing to fight for him, but he may not feel the same way and that may be something you have to face. It doesn’t mean you aren’t worth fighting for, it just means he is not the kind of guy willing to face any “shit” that has built up, mostly within himself.

What happened when he cheated on you before? How did you guys come to a resolution? What is happening now? Is the same pattern happening as before and that’s why you think he is cheating? Have you talked to him about it directly and asked him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jessica,

Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest and sharing more details. That takes great strength!

I do blame myself because I genuinely didn’t think he was a true addict. I get that you didn’t know at first, but then you did know and tried to keep getting him back. to The point where I’ve let him disrespect on two different occasions and got rejected by him after he messed up When someone treats you this way, it’s time to walk away. You get to be loved, cared for and respected Jessica. he’s so handsome, and way out of my league he will surely lose interest overtime I understand the low self-esteem that you live with. It’s that part of you that chose this guy. It’s that part of you that is deeply hurting and in depression. There is so much pain and hurt that you are carrying inside of your beautiful heart and it’s so thick and sticky that it prevents you from seeing your TRUE value. I understand that place. It’s all consuming. It’s heavy and it’s incredibly hard to carry. I’m glad you have started working with a therapist. I hope you find it to be helpful.

But the truth is he doesn’t know when to quit and I knew this but I genuinely loved him being in my life. I get it. You wouldn’t have fallen for him if he didn’t have some wonderful qualities and make you feel good as well. To get a guy’s attention and affection that you believed was out of your league is incredibly powerful. Any woman in your situation would have made the same choice. Be kind to yourself. That little girl part of yourself so deeply needs to be loved. She is in a lot of pain and needs YOUR love. She needs to feel YOU connected to her and comforting her. If you had a little girl come home from school crying, telling you that some girls were mean to her. What would you do as her mother? All she needs is for YOU, her mother to love her and connect her to the truth of her beauty. She needs a hug. She needs softness and kindness. Instead, as her mother, you are BLAMING her for being rejected. You are telling her that she did something wrong for her to get rejected. You have internalized those awful words when you were bullied. You have internalized those actions and those other kids’ beliefs about you and made them the truth about who you are. You gave THEM all the power to say whether or not you are loveable and valuable and are still giving them ALL the power. You are giving this guy the power to decide whether you are worth fighting for or not. That is why you are depressed. You put your value in the hands of others and let THEM decide who you are. It’s time for you to take back your power and decide that you are loveable and valuable whether other people think you are or not. This, of course, is much easier said than done. I have been rejected sooooo many times in my life and every single time, it’s given me an opportunity to love myself, connect to myself and remind myself that my value is not tied to any other person.

I knew his mom and daughter’s mother didn’t approve of him partying like he did so I helped him get back on track and he was doing great until the night he met my dad. Again, an addict will ALWAYS sabotage connection. You were doomed for failure from day one. There is not a single lady alive who would ever be able to last with him and be happy.

I don’t love myself at all and at 31 years old I’m not sure what or where I went wrong. Of course you love yourself. You have an inner strength and desire to learn and grow. You are fighting for yourself by working with a therapist and coming here to learn more. A person would not do that if they didn’t know there was something IN THEM worth fighting for. Like all of us, there are areas of strength and love and high self-esteem and there are areas that feel like a black pit of yuckiness. The only difference between any of us is the size and depth of that black pit compared to their high self esteem. But high self-esteem is earned and worked for, especially when there is a lot of trauma. I’ve had a TON of trauma, so I had to work extremely hard cleaning out that pit of yuckiness. It’s possible though. Not easy, but very possible. Do you have good support in your life to help support you right now? Ask your friends in New York to tell you about your amazingness. THEY have a very different vision of you than this guy and their vision of you is going to have love and connection in it. Ask them for help and support!

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh Jessica,

I am so sorry for the heartbreak you are having to go through. It truly is awful when all your dreams that you built around someone, are shattering and there is nothing you can do about it. It’s a very powerless feeling.

Not sure if this is the right forum but I’m in desperate need of a slap in the face to help me understand what has happened and what I did wrong. I’m here to tell you that you did NOTHING wrong except you chose to invest in an addict and a guy who doesn’t have the emotional health, capacity or ability to be a good partner for ANYONE. He is clearly very confused and although a part of him really wanted to invest and make things work for you, the other part of him – that addict part of him – is much stronger and will ALWAYS sabotage connection. So the REAL story is, he will ruin ANY relationship because he is carrying a lot of hurt in his heart and doesn’t fundamentally trust anyone. Addicts are typically extremely angry and resentful and those are MASSIVE barriers to connection and love. So even though in the beginning he was available and connective and I’m sure he gave it his best shot…he is NOT set up to sustain that. The pain and anger and resentment will ALWAYS take over and sabotage any happiness that comes into his life.

I also want to circle back around to you. I’m wondering what your childhood was like. Was it rough for you? A lot of rejection, abuse or abandonment? Typically, anyone attracted to an addict, carries a lot of pain themselves.

What are you doing to help yourself right now? Do you have some good friends to talk with? Do you have a therapist who can help you through this heartbreak? What are you doing to take care of yourself right now? I want to encourage you to be much more kind to yourself. You are blaming yourself for HIS issues which is like beating yourself over the head over and over and over again about something you have no control over. Be kind to yourself. You need compassion, gentleness and care, right?

Come here and use this forum like a journal. I’m here to listen and help guide you through all the messiness and chaos and heartbreak you feel right now. I’ve been there and done that many times and I’m here to tell you there IS a way through. There IS a way to replace the pain with happiness. There IS a way to heal.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Linda,

Welcome! You are asking some great questions. It sounds like you have some strong feelings for him. I just have a few questions.

What does it mean that you have been together for brief intervals? Were you in a committed relationship and then broke up? You just had sex and admitted feelings towards each other, but it never really went beyond that?

I’m wondering…if you guys were “together” for short periods of time over the years, what is stopping you guys from STAYING together?

You recently talked about feelings you both have for each other, which is nice, but was there any talk about what to do about those feelings? If you guys have been “together” before, I imagine those same feelings were discussed in the past, so I’m a little confused as to the design of your relationship. Was this the first time you guys discussed those feelings?

Let’s talk about your questions:

1. How do you keep him interested? Instead of asking that question as if it’s your job to keep him interested, you want to look at it from a different perspective. How do I stay an interesting person? The thing you want to think about…would you date you? would you want to be in a relationship with you? I KNOW I am an incredibly interesting person and I KNOW that I keep a man’s attention because I am the kind of interesting that he wants to take a journey with. I don’t “do” anything to keep his attention. I am just myself. And me…as my natural, normal self is going to be something they will either find intriguing, interesting and engaging…or they won’t. Whether the stay interested or not is THEIR journey and not my concern. If a guy isn’t inspired by who I am naturally, organically and authentically, then he is not the right match for me. Think about how much energy you would be spending trying to figure out what HE likes or is excited about and trying to “do” those things to keep his attention. That’s basically you trying to be something FOR HIM and losing yourself in the process…as if HE is the one who determines if you are interesting enough to stay engaged with or not. YOU have to decide that who you are, is worth being in relationship with, whether or not he thinks so. THAT is what is attractive to a man who is going to go the distance with you. A man who will stay interested in you, will like you just as you are. You don’t have to “do” anything to keep his attention except just be yourself. And if that isn’t enough to hold a guy’s attention, then they are not a good fit for you anyways. So let the cards fall where they may and just be yourself. Does this make sense? Thoughts?

2. How often should you call or text? I can’t answer this for you, as I don’t know what you guys have agreed to. I would say let him take the lead. Women tend to connect pretty strongly…moreso than men, so by letting HIM take the lead on that, he will feel respected, not pressured, he will feel like he has some space and most of all, you will get to see how much effort he actually puts into the connection without you leading it. It’s soooooo important to know that a guy really wants to connect with you…all on his own. Meaning, HE initiates, HE sets up ways to connect, HE puts the effort in – without YOU leading him in that direction. Also, I personally am quite blunt. If I have a question and need clarity, I always just ask. Can you just ask him what he feels comfortable with? Distance is tough. I know plenty of people who really struggle connecting over technology, so it’s a good conversation to have with him regardless.

3. How can you move forward? Again, I have no clue what you guys talked about. That’s a conversation you need to have with him. What does he want? It’s pretty clear what you want, but how does HE want to move forward?

Heidi

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Thank you for sharing more! I’m glad you are willing to ask questions that might be hard for him to talk about. It’s so important for you to really see who he is and what he responds like. If he pulls away and doesn’t want to discuss it with you or puts a wall up…that is a MAJOR red flag. That’s called “stonewalling” and it is a quality that will most likely end in heartbreak unless he works on himself. He is 23 and still so young.

But he asked those about me and asked me out on a date which was my first. Totally get it! It feels amazing, right? I just want to help ground you a little bit though. Him asking you all those little details about you and him asking you on a date are VERY basic level things. I know you have experienced the opposite of that, so him treating you like that would feel amazing…but it actually is not that amazing of a quality….it’s basic human decency. So your standards and experiences are quite skewed. If EVERY guy you met, asked you on a date, wanted to know all those little details and treated you decently….then this guy would actually just be part of the average and you would not be so excited about him. Part of why you fell so hard for him is because he was your first experience. SOOOOOOO many ladies do this and it’s quite misleading. They get treated well for the first time ever and they fall hard for the guy because they feel a way they have never felt before. But in reality, how they are treated are basic and not THAT great. I hear all the time “He treats me nice and doesn’t criticize me” or “He actually asked me some questions” or “He told me how he felt and I didn’t have to pull it out of him” and so on….ALL of these ways that guys are showing up are the very, very, very minimum a person should require. It’s baseline and far from being anything exceptional. So because it’s the “first time” they were ever treated that way, all of a sudden that guy is “the one” and they would do anything to keep him. What is happening is a very skewed perspective about what a great guy is. I’m not saying your guy isn’t great, but I am saying that what you think makes him so special are qualities that really are not that special in the grand scheme of things. I know they are special to you because you’ve never experienced being treated like this before, but I”m here to help keep you grounded. It’s kind of like this….if you take a person who has only seen poverty and grew up in a shack, you can take them to a rundown apartment, things falling apart and paint peeling off the walls and they will feel like it’s the best thing ever!!! They will be sooooo grateful, so happy and will turn that apartment into their own. But really, the apartment is just basic. It’s just 4 walls and not beautiful at all. It’s just enough to give that person a new experience, but it feels like a brand new life for the person moving into it. That’s what your reaction to this guy is like. You have only had and seen 1 kind of experience of a guy wanting to use you for sex. And then…a guy comes along and wants to have a conversation with you, so you think he is AMAZING!!!! I’m wanting you to slow down and let you know that there are PLENTY of guys who are willing to have many conversations with you. There are PLENTY of guys who will ask you out on dates. That is actually what dating is and what most people experience. So again…if that was your common experience where guys talked to you, asked you out on dates, didn’t always try to have sex with you…I’m guessing you would not have fallen so hard for this guy and you wouldn’t be willing to give everything you have to a guy you barely know.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

As for his trust issues I never asked him about that and I didn’t because I didn’t want to overstep. I want to give you a perspective about dating and loving that can help you maybe become more clear about how you approach this process. Imagine that your heart is the job. You are the CEO of your heart. Your heart is sacred, unique, special and NEEDS to be cared for in specific ways. You, as the CEO, have the job to protect your heart and hire employees who know how to PROPERLY and SKILLFULLY care for your heart. So…dating is the “interview” process. You are asking questions, gathering information, watching and observing, to see if the person would be a good employee to take care of your heart. So…with this perspective, as the CEO of your heart, do you think it’s a smart decision to avoid asking important questions and learning about a potential employee?

I know you have strong feelings for him, but CHEMISTRY is NOT COMPATIBILITY. You know VERY little about him and are already ready to open the floodgates of your very sacred heart. I want to encourage you to slow things down a bit. Hiring an employee without thoroughly interviewing them, is a really big risk that can typically lead to heartbreak. I’m not saying you should let go of this guy, I’m just suggesting to slow down your thinking. You are so ready to jump all in with this guy while at the same time, you don’t even know what his trust issues are about because you “don’t want to overstep.” Just something to think about as you approach this whole thing. Remember, he has to EARN the right to become an employee who has the job of taking care of your heart. BE DISCERNING!!! DO NOT let those very powerful feelings you have for him, overshadow some important things you need to pay attention to about him.

As I have said before, this is the first time I have talked to a boy so I don’t know how to approach this stuff and I am new to this. So should I ask him about his recent relationship and trust issues? I’m a little confused here. What do you mean this is the first time you have talked to a boy? Do you mean you’ve never had a boyfriend? How old are you guys?

He said that he lacks at communicating and as for for me I hold myself back from saying how I feel because I care too much or feel as though I am overwhelming others of my feelings. Judith, something VERY important to understand is that your feelings matter. Your feelings are important. If you hide those away for fear of overwhelming others, 3 things happen. 1. they never really get to know the REAL you. 2. you will build up resentment over time because you don’t give your feelings a voice. Holding in your feelings creates a barrier to connection. You end up living your life for the other person, always spending your energy trying to make sure your partner is comfortable all the while ignoring your own needs. By not speaking up, you betray yourself over and over and over. 3. You will never know if your partner actually truly and deeply loves you for ALL of who you are, if you don’t show them who you really are.

The hardest thing about dating is being authentic. It’s so scary because we have no idea how the other person will respond to the REAL us. It’s especially difficult when we really like the person. Rejection is always a risk when you show someone the truth of who you are. BUT…if you don’t, rejection is imminent if you don’t. You may end up getting what you want by filtering what you say or say don’t say, but in the end, you reject yourself and eventually the real you will come out anyways and I guarantee your partner will NOT appreciate that. I imagine you want an open and honest connection, but how can that happen if you don’t offer that?

Thoughts on all of this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jennie!

Wow. I was not expecting this! How interesting! I can see why you would feel a bit out of sorts.

I might throw you a curve ball here, but there is another perspective to consider. Every person, especially the romantic ones, will bring out different sides of us. I remember a boyfriend I have off and on for about 3 years and holy smokes did we fight! It was not uncommon to have 3-4 arguments per day. AND…he also was the most fun. We were light fireworks together! And I remember feeling back then, how I wasn’t really the kind of person who had a lot of arguments. In fact, I rarely had arguments. I was actually a pretty easy going, flexible and understanding kind of gal. Funny enough, he reached out to me a little over a year ago and we reconnected. It appeared that both he and I had grown and the “arguing” was something of the past. Then….it wasn’t. I watched how he rubbed me the “wrong” way in the little things he would say or not say. I was fascinated as I was noticing this energy come up in me, wanting to push back against him. I ended up seeing him once in person (we live in different states) and I saw, very clearly, that he was just not a good match for me and ended things when I left….despite the fireworks that still existed between him and I.

The thing is, your guy may have pointed out all these things about you, that you never really noticed and while they are true, are these patterns of yours that show up everywhere else in your life? When you look back at other relationships, do you see how you are a like a feral cat? If yes, then these are patterns for you to really connect with, dissect, understand and start getting to know. If you don’t really see these same patterns in other relationships, you might want to consider that THIS GUY is activating these patterns. It’s always important to consider the “chemistry” makeup of a relationship and what it ends up creating.

Here is what you BOTH want to look at and truly understand. There are 3 parts of a relationship. You, him, and the relationship. It’s VERY possible to like yourself, like him, but NOT like the relationship (like the guy I just told you about). I DID NOT like what he triggered in me. I DID NOT like how it showed up in the relationship. I liked myself LESS when I was connecting with him AND there were also parts that I LOVED that he activated in me. In the end though, I really did not fully and completely LOVE the relationship that him and I created together. He is a good guy for sure, but him and I together…not the best combo. Yes, I could have spend many hours doing therapy, healing work, energy work, journaling etc. to shift the parts of me that would get triggered by him, but you know what??? I personally do NOT want to work that hard. I KNOW that with a different guy, I can be much more peaceful, easy and wonderful, right from the start.

So it’s just something to consider and think about as you take in this new information.

I’m looking forward to hearing back from you!

Heidi

p.s. I also just want to say….so what that you are messy! EVERYBODY IS!!!! What matters most is that you care, you will learn and grow and become better at all of this. Let go of self-judgment. KNOW that you are doing the very best you know how and that’s enough!

[Heidi G]

Hi Judith,

I’m Heidi, a coach here on the forum. I hope it’s okay that I offer you some ideas. I know you were asking for James, but he typically does not show up in the forum.

I’d like to ask for some clarification to make sure I am understanding your situation correctly.

I’m a little confused by these 2 statements: He knows we’re not dating but it all starts from being friends too. and I have truly fallen in love with him. I’m not sure how you have fallen in love with him, if you guys are not even dating. Can you explain your situation a little more? Are you just friends, but have feelings for each other? Being that he is enlisting again for another 2 years, he can’t do long distance, correct? How come? What’s his reasoning? How long have you guys been hanging out? Have you guys ever become intimate?

It sounds like he is quite fearful. What are his trust issues about? What are your trust issues about?

He told me that he didn’t want to date right now he would just want to wait till later. But he felt like he was just looking for someone (me) to change for. He mentioned that he knows some say never change for a person but for him like he want to take dating seriously so he’ll change some of his ways to make me feel comfortable. This mindset of “waiting for someone to change for” is quite dangerous. I personally would consider this a very big red flag. I’m sure it makes you feel quite special that he is willing to change for “you” but this type of thinking can actually lead to a TON of problems down the road. ANYTIME some changes their ways for another person, resentment can start to build. And resentment is like cancer to a relationship. A person needs to change because they want to and NOT waiting for some other person to come along and inspire them. He is not changing because HE wants to. He is not changing because HE wants to be a different kind of person, regardless of who is in his life. He is not changing because the “newer” version of himself feels good to him. He wants to change to make someone else more comfortable. Eventually, 2 things will happen…he will either revert back to his old ways or he will become resentful of “you” for needing him to change in the first place. I know you feel like you are in love with him and want to be with him and I have no doubt, with all the things he has said to you, that you feel you are really special to him and he is choosing YOU. That’s a very powerful feeling for sure. Every lady loves to be “chosen” and LOVES LOVES LOVES to feel like they got the guy that was ungettable. I just want to invite you to take a step back and really look at who you are choosing.

1. His fear is bigger than his desire to be with you.
2. He is enlisting and using that as an excuse to not date you.
3. He thinks you are wife material, is afraid someone could take you from him, but he won’t date you right now, but wants to later? Huh??

He is sending a lot of mixed messages. The reality is, if a guy wants to be with you, nothing will get in his way. If a guy is ready to scoop you up and make you part of his life, nothing will stand in the way. His excuse about enlisting is a barrier that HE believes is valid, but it’s not. Plenty of guys have long distance relationships while they are away or enlisted. My guess is, he is REALLY afraid to connect with you deeply. Why? What has happened in his past that makes him so afraid?

It’s also NOT about convincing him that you are serious. If you have to convince anyone about how you feel, that’s a problem. If he is NOT believing you, it’s not because of you, it’s because of a barrier that he has around his heart that won’t allow him to believe you. Whatever fears he is carrying, can only be addressed BY HIM. If he doesn’t want to believe how you feel about him, then what else is he not going to believe? He has a fundamental lack of trust IN HIMSELF and that is NOT something you can repair for him…especially by trying to convince him how serious you are. The same goes for you as well. Your trust issues are your own. He could say over and over and over EXACTLY what you want to hear to “convince” you that he is different, but it’s not going to change your trust issues. You are still going to be skeptical, you are still going to hold back on some level, you are still going to have doubts. The only way YOUR trust issues can truly be addressed, is by facing your fears, forgiving and releasing the past. Otherwise, your past and his past will constantly be baggage the you both carry around and will ALWAYS get in the way of intimacy and connection.

Thoughts?

Heidi

Heidi

• This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Hey Jennie,

How did your talk go? I’m so curious about what he was upset about with you!! Would love an update!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hey there,

Checking in. Would love to keep talking through your situation with you. Any new developments, thoughts or questions?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sarah,

if he’s messy and unsure of himself I don’t want to be taken down as well… Do YOU feel that way? I’m only going by what you are telling me. I have given you reasons to consider a different perspective of your connection, but YOU are the only one who really knows ALL the details. Is what I am saying making sense to you? Does it resonate for you? If it does, then it’s time to disconnect, but if it doesn’t really feel accurate, true or you question what I am telling you, let’s keep discussing!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sarah,

I’m glad you have a mental health team helping you navigate everything. It’s really important to learn how to work with your triggers, your reactions and your feelings with whatever mental health challenges you are dealing with. Do you feel you have a good handle on it? However; when I’m pmsing, on my period, it’s a nightmare. I can’t hold back my emotions. I’m very anxious and easy to go into psychosis. That’s what pushes him back. I feel like he’s afraid to deal with me. Let’s talk about this, because this can be a real deal breaker. Have you really looked into ways you can learn to manage your emotions during this time? That’s not a fun thing to have to navigate for you or for anyone else. It definitely can be a deal breaker, so it’s important for you to really look into ways to stabilize yourself during your period. Or…maybe just stay away from everyone during that week and isolate yourself so you don’t cause harm. What you are doing during this time of the month is emotional vomitting all over him or anyone that is around. It’s harmful and breaks trust and safety within the relationship and I know that is the last thing you want to do. Any thoughts on this? Can your mental health team help you set up a plan to do things differently during this time?

I know you are not ready to be on your own. It’s up to you how you want to move forward. If you really, truly want to heal, then disconnect and do not be in contact with him anymore. Yes, that means no more lessons. You just have to cut your losses and let the lesson go. If you are not ready for that, then you get to stay connected in the whatever way you want and you will deal with the consequences of that. Either path, either choice is painful. It hurts if you stay connected and it hurts if you disconnect. At least in the disconnection, there is an end to the pain because you can heal. As long as you stay connected, the pain is limitless. It’s your choice.

Heidi

I spent $500 USD to help him with his dental surgery… but now that I think about it, that’s a lot of myself I put out…. I don’t know how to break this cycle. What cycle are you referring to specifically? Again, this is you taking care of him but not taking care of yourself. You are spending money on him, that you don’t have. You are now in debt with that loan…a loan you got to go visit him, yet you say you can’t afford therapy for yourself. So you will spend $15,000 to see a guy, but you won’t spend $15,000 to help yourself with managing stress and your mental health issues more directly. Like I previously mentioned, this is a co-dependent kind of pattern that is incredibly destructive to any relationship. When you value taking care of someone else, more than taking care of yourself and that is the DOMINANT way that you function…it sabotages connection. So if you want to do things differently, I would suggest to start to educate yourself on co-dependent behaviors, research ways to shift that behavior and start to pay more attention to your own needs and no longer help him with anything. You guys are no longer together, so his needs are for HIM to take care of and not yours. And honestly, part of me is wondering what kind of guy would accept $500 for his dental surgery from a woman who is jobless and on disability? What kind of guy is okay taking expensive gifts from you and you taking out a $15,000 loan to come see him, knowing you don’t have that kind of money?? I know your money choices are your own AND he also took money from you and was willing to put you in MORE financial stress for the benefit of himself. I’m not a super fan of that and have little respect for a guy who takes advantage of a soft heart like yours. I’m not so convinced that he wasn’t using you in some way. I know that may be really hard to hear and consider, especially with how you feel about him and all the experiences you’ve had together. Like I said…”love is blind.”

He never gets angry. He’s got major anxiety, and anticipates things won’t go right. When he’s sad he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. He can’t pin point why he feels anxious at certain times, he can’t pin point what bothers him as well. Things just do. He vapes, addicted to it. He doesn’t give himself the mercy he deserves when it comes to vaping. He’s open and easy to talk to when it comes to difficult situations. He’s very sincere, understanding… he told me he’s here to support me, but lately that’s changed… He is someone to stay away from Jennie. He has an addiction, he has high levels of anxiety that he doesn’t understand or know how to deal with and he is no longer there to support you. This guy is quite messy Jennie and not available for you in the way you want. I’m so so sorry! It hurts, but again, your best bet to is start to make your mental and emotional health a priority.

[Heidi G]

Hi Jennifer!

Thank you for sharing more information. It’s helpful.

Let’s break all of this down into smaller bites.

I would love to be able to start fresh without having that loom over my head. How can I work to get over these issues? Well, I cannot tell you how to do this, because everyone is different with what they respond to. What I can tell you is that you haven’t fully and completely forgiven him nor yourself. What I can tell you, is that those experiences built walls around your heart and the only way to take those walls down is to be in relationship with them and explore them. Walls are designed to protect, right? Well, the wall exists in the first place and is built with lies, stories, fears etc. What lies are you telling yourself? What stories are running in your mind when you are aware of your hesitation about trusting he won’t cheat? What insecurities exist? What are your fears telling you? These kinds of questions can lead you into a deeper level of understanding of why you are not resolved from your past experiences. The next step is to forgive and release. This is the healing process. It’s identifying those fears, lies, programs, stories, insecurities etc. and then working with them and releasing them. THEN…you are free. You are truly healed when you can think about those past events and not have any reaction to them and when you think about moving forward, the fear isn’t there. I am not afraid of being cheated on, but I am aware that it could happen. That’s the kind of mindset you can get to. How to get there, I work with a coach who takes me very deep into my patterns, fears etc. and she helps me through my process. I use different techniques to help move some of the tension and fear. I have read a gazillion books to educate myself about my patterns and my shadow side. This is MY process and I choose the methods that resonate for me. All I can tell you is that you need to find what resonates and inspires you into healing. I’m happy to send the info of my coach and you can try a session with her to see if she resonates for you. There are a million modalities out there where people claim healing. Many of them work and some are so-so, but what I do, is I open myself up and say “Okay universe, I need help. Show me what would work for me.” Or something to that affect…and see what books, tools, groups, programs come across your path. The thing is, this is one of the most important things you could do for yourself. What you learn and discover on this path of forgiving, releasing and healing, is a FOREVER kind of skill. You will use what you learn until your dying breath and it will make you a much more effective partner.

He does realize he has a problem, he said he’s never cared before. But whether he knows exactly what those issues are or not, I don’t know. I’m glad he at least has an awareness of his problem, but I doubt he understands why. There are usually many many layers to sift through before getting to the core reason. He might have some level of sex addiction. He already has an addiction to vaping, so whenever you are dealing with someone who has addictions on any level, they will be bringing a whole lot of mess to the relationship, especially if they are not getting help for it. So needless to say, it’s important for you to know what you are stepping into.

I do think that people can change when they know the issue(s) and truly want to. Of course anyone can change. Very few people do though. The kind of change that is permanent and sustainable requires commitment and a drive to heal, no matter what. If he were to stop vaping let’s say, yes that’s a change, but give it time and he will find an addiction to something else, because the underlying source of his addiction was never addressed. Knowing the issue changes nothing. Let’s take you for example. You know you need to forgive your past, but has that changed anything for you? Nope. You still are holding onto your past. So knowing the issue is just the beginning of a very long journey, especially when it comes to addictions.

Please understand I am not trying to discourage you here. I just want to point out some red flags that are pretty much guaranteed to ruin connection in the long run. He has an addiction possibly to sex and for sure to vaping and you hold onto your past and neither of you have done any real work to make changes through ACTION and getting help somehow. You are here, which is a great thing! You are learning and asking for help which is a great first step!

I’m not sure how willing you are to go beyond that.

Heidi
Thoughts?

[Heidi G]

Hi Sarah! Thank you for sharing a lot more detail. This is incredibly helpful!

Let’s work through all these layers together and see if we can find more clarity for you.

First, it sounds like you put him on a pedestal. The way you talk about him sounds like a fairytale in a way….kind of like you found your dream guy and he is everything you’ve ever wanted and you would give everything and anything to make sure he was happy. I loved being in his presence every waking moment… and he did with me. It also sounds like you guys dove in pretty hard and fast. Meaning, there was a connection, you had sex, you spent all your time together as much as possible and all of a sudden there is a “relationship” that is happening. How long did you spend together before you guys went back to your homes? You said you had been crushing on him since July, but I’m wondering how well you really know this guy considering you live in different countries. I’m not sure how often you guys actually see each other in person. I’m a little confused.

Dating is a process that is meant to go slower than what you guys did. Even though you have like him for several months, it’s still very important to be discerning with your heart. What it sounds like is you opened the flood gates to your heart and just let it flow out to him. My guess is, that may have caused him to really want to slow things down. When a woman does this, it can very naturally cause a man to shut down or really slow things down because she is jumping in head first without really “dating” and taking things at a slower pace. Remember that men love to chase. When a woman is so easily available and ready to fulfill his every need and he hasn’t had to really work for her, he doesn’t trust it…and nor should he. A woman who approaches connection that way can have tendencies to be quite needy and all consuming to a man. Did he ever really have to chase you? Did he have to earn your love? If yes, how? You bought him expensive gifts and took out a $15,000 loan to go see him, yet you are jobless and on disability. To me, that sounds like a woman who is willing to give everything she has (at the expense of herself) in order to be with a man. That is a woman who loses herself in a man. That is a woman who becomes so invested in a man that she doesn’t know who she is without him. This can be very scary for a man to connect with a woman who is like that. I’m not sure if your mental health issues are contributing to how you are approaching this relationship as I don’t know what you are dealing with. Are you working with a counselor at all? Is there anyone helping you with how to navigate the challenges you face with your mental health issues? That can definitely be a factor that a man needs to consider, as it can be very impactful to his life.

Tell me about his darker side. What is he like when he is angry? What is he like when he is sad and depressed? How does he treat you? How does he treat himself? What is he like when having to talk about something personal and difficult? What is he like when you confront him about something you need differently from him?

I would lay off all the compliments and hero instinct methods for right now. It doesn’t sound like that is the issue or is lacking. My guess is, from what you are telling me, there is an overabundance of that. I have no doubt he feels your support and encouragement and belief in him. My guess is, he feels you coming on pretty strong and needs some space. He already is learning that you are not okay without him. He already is learning that you are desperate to have him back. Again, a guy typically doesn’t respond very well to a woman who loses herself and falls apart when he isn’t there for her. He needs to know his woman is strong, has boundaries, has standards and is able to rely on herself ONLY and doesn’t need HIM to make her feel happy. I’m guessing he doesn’t feel you are that kind of woman so he will feel the need to put stronger boundaries up.

I would say from your reactions and what you have shared so far, him putting some boundaries up and creating some space for himself is appropriate. It sounds like you need to figure out who you are without him now. If you are ever going to get him back, this would be how you do it. He needs to feel your inner strength. He needs to feel YOUR boundaries. He needs to feel that you WILL NOT do anything for him, as that is not healthy. You don’t know him very well and you gave him everything you had. This is dangerous! When dating, it’s important to be discerning and cautious ALWAYS! Your heart is sacred, special and unique and deserves to be protected and valued BY YOU. The way you do that is you REQUIRE any man interested in getting to know you, to PROVE he is worthy of something so sacred and special. THAT TAKES TIME! I have all kinds of screening questions, tests and things I watch for, BEFORE opening my heart to a guy. I have standards as to how I am treated, standards as to how he treats himself and standards as to how he moves through life. This is how a guy will “chase” you. When you have REQUIREMENTS for your life, standards for your life, then he respects and loves that. It doesn’t sound like you had any standards for this guy to meet. It sounds like you crushed on him, he eventually said yes and you dove right in, not really knowing what you were diving into. I know you felt like home with him and I know how that feeling can overtake any common sense. It’s incredibly powerful and soooooo so easy to get swept away in that. One thing that is ALWAYS important to remember: CONNECTION DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATIBILITY. Yes, there was chemistry, but compatibility is what keeps a relationship together, not chemistry….as you are learning.

So…my guidance is for you to explore how to get yourself back centered and grounded WITHOUT him. For example, you say this: He insists I work from home, which I’ve been trying to find jobs for…. However, he never stated the real reason why I should choose this employment pathway. This is a big red flag for me. Any guy insisting on how you should live your life is controlling you. That is NOT healthy and quite dangerous. You are a grown woman and can design your life however you want, especially when it comes to your job. That fact that you are listening to him tells me you are subservient to him. Is that what you want? Is that the design of relationship you want where you do what the guy tells you to do?

I know you miss him so much and it’s painful. Let him go. Find yourself, your inner strength and figure out your life WITHOUT him. He is not able to give you what you want RIGHT NOW. That could change down the road BUT he needs to know that you can respect his boundaries and his choice right now. If you keep pushing him to connect, pushing him to be with you, keep sharing your sadness, that means you are putting all your pain onto him for HIM to fix it and that is NOT his job. That is a pattern that will destroy any relationship, even if you guys got back together today. Your pain is YOUR OWN and for you to manage and heal. I will tell you, there is no way for you to heal as long as you are continuously interacting with him. Your heart is broken. It needs to heal. The more you interact with him, the more your heart will hurt and stay in a place of longing and missing him. In the 30 years I have been doing this and also from personal experience, I have never found anyone who can stay friends with their ex as long as romantic feelings are present and alive. So if you really want to heal, it’s time to let him go and disconnect.

Otherwise, you can keep spinning your wheels trying to figure out a way to get him back and you guys will keep playing this game of connecting, you chasing him and him saying no. That will also eventually end somehow and then you will be even more broken hearted. I’ve taken that path many times as well and man is it painful. I get why you choose it though. I would just recommend to stop sharing your broken heart with him, pull your energy away and show him that you are okay without him. He NEEDS to know that about you. Maybe consider connecting less over the phone. Maybe consider not initiating connection as much. Maybe consider being less available for him. Just some things to think about.

Heidi

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