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Hi Madeline!
Thank you for writing in and trusting us with your challenge. I am actually HIGHLY impressed that you were honest about your intentions. That took a lot of strength. Your guilt is about you judging yourself for your choices and not being in alignment with the kind of person you deep down would like to be….yes?
I would like to encourage you to find another way to be resourceful. I am sure some part of him knows that you need his money. No man will respect, nor really care about your needs as long as he feels you are using him for his money…even if you have feelings for him more than that.
I understand you are in a hard place right now, so what if you approached this differently. What if he did not exist? What if he died in a car accident a week ago. What would you do? You can quit the program. You can maybe go talk to someone in administration to see if they have any scholarship or financial aid opportunities. I do not know what kind of program you have signed up for, but if this is something you really want to do, find a way to make it happen on your own. You will respect yourself more and IF he cares about you at all and interested in something further with you, he will respect you and see your ability to be resourceful, independent and determined to make something happen that seems completely impossible. I imagine that would feel pretty amazing for you!
Is this something you are open to trying? I’m sure this is not quite the answer you are looking for. I get it! I have been completely strapped for cash at different points in my life. It’s really easy during those times to be the kind of person, that deep down, you really don’t want to be, but you feel the situation calls for it. I have lived enough life and faced more challenges than you can imagine and I can tell you…that once you decide to make something happen that you really want, you CAN make it happen and still feel good about how you went about it. You are feeling guilty for a reason…a part of you does not like that you need him to rescue you and that you need him to help you get out of your tough spot. A part of you does not like that you need to use him. So make a different choice. This school program, if you really want to make it happen, CAN happen. Maybe not in this moment….you may need to quit the program for now, but you can always go back when you have earned the money in a way that makes you feel good about yourself. That will carry you much further in life!
Lastly, I do want to honor your choice though as your life is your own design. I would not text him the “I need your help” kinda thing. He probably knows you need his money for something…I’m not sure if you have already asked him directly for the money. A text of that nature will most likely not pull him back to you. It’s hard to guide you as you have not given much detail about your situation. I am hoping he is single. Maybe you don’t even know that information. Regardless, he might respond more to a compliment. Maybe try reminding him of what you miss about him or what you liked about him or how he made you feel when you were together. But I would keep it super light. He is not responding to you which may mean he has moved on and if all you guys were, was casual, he may not have that much of an investment in the idea of you. So when you do text, keeping it light, simple and carefree will give you the best shot possible. Here would be an example, “Hey John! I thought of you yesterday because I ended up driving past that ice cream parlor we went to a few times….and I remembered when you very surprisingly smothered my face with your chocolate ice cream. That was such a great moment and it made me laugh. That was a really fun day! I’m glad I got to have that with you. Just thought I would share that. I hope you are doing well! Take care.” It will help him remember this same moment with warm feelings, which may inspire him to at least respond. Who knows where it will go from there.
I wish you the best in your journey Madeline. If you need any more help or have a different question, let us know! We can be pretty resourceful on here 🙂
Heidi
Oh Cara, I am so sorry! That hurts pretty deep. Of course you are on a rollercoaster! It’s quite the illusion of him being “in love.” He may seem happy, but a person who has that kind of baggage…well, they have a limit as to how happy they can really be. I’m sure you have had a gazillion thoughts of feeling horrible that “SHE” can make him happy and you couldn’t. I’m sure all kinds of low self esteem thoughts are running ramped in your mind.
First, it’s okay that you went looking for more proof. Sometimes we need that to remind us of the pain. And that pain is necessary actually. That pain is reminding you of his choices not to fight for himself. That pain is reminding you that you don’t want to go through this again. That pain is reminding you to have caution and boundaries. Many times we will forget because we would rather love and have hope. So finding more prof, I think is a good reminder for you. And unfortunately, the pain needs to be so intense that you remember the reality of the situation vs. the potential.
And you are strong Cara! Of course there are moments where you will feel about as strong as a spaghetti noodle. Those moments are actually what makes you strong. To me…strength is more about resiliency. Strength is more about a person’s ability and CHOICE to stand back up after they have been knocked down. THAT IS TRUE STRENGTH! Many people (your husband included) take the route of avoiding the pain to stand back up. What you are choosing takes an incredible amount of courage and strength. You are not running. You are feeling what you need to feel. You are making clear choices about the kind of person you want to be for you and for your son. Strength is not always about not falling…it’s also about falling and then getting back up. So keep that definition in mind. You are doing a great job with being honest with yourself and creating a clearer vision of who you want to be. Even if you don’t feel like forgiving him, you say the words anyways. Each time you hurt, you say, “Even though I am hurting and feel so worthless right now, I forgive him for his choices.” You are going to have to make that choices thousands of times because you will hurt again and again and again until you decide to create a different design for yourself.
And listen Cara, NO ONE can tell you when you are done with this relationship. A million people could here your story and tell you to shut the door and go the other direction. Yes…that would probably be the healthiest decision for you, but at the same time….there are many gifts here that you get to learn along the way. You may need to feel more rejection and hurt before you are done. You may need to still hold onto hope for awhile longer…and that’s okay! Let yourself be EXACTLY where you are at. Accepting that will allow you much more freedom to move forward and grow vs. trying to force yourself to do something you are not ready for. Your main focus is to take care of yourself. Keep working on strengthening your inner self. Here are some tips:
1. Watch movies with a strong heroin. I love Under the Tuscan Sun or G.I. Jane (don’t laugh!) or The Holiday. The purpose is to watch women do what you need to do….they fall and then get back up. It helps to “program” you to be able to do the same! Plus it’s a good brain break for a few hours.
2. It’s important to hear other voices than your own. I LOVE Brene Brown. She has a ton of you tube videos that are SPOT ON about healing, growth, relationships etc. She is such a great speaker and funny too! Watch her videos for encouragement. She also has a handful of workshops / books / events that maybe you could get involved with. Here is a video that may help you a bit…lots of wonderful concepts in here! https://youtu.be/mDS5bqvOlhc
3. Get a gratitude journal. Spend just 5 minutes each day and focus solely on what you DO have and instead of what you don’t have.
4. Go and have some fun! Maybe find a dance class, go paint a mug at an art store, go for a hike somewhere beautiful, ask a friend out to a comedy show. The more you laugh, the more you fill your life up with things that feed your soul, the easier this will be to get through. It will keep you from sinking deep and drowning in those intense emotions all of the time. You, of course, will still have those moments, but you will be able to pull out of them sooner when you have some help with fun activities.
5. Learn something new. Maybe a new language, learn how to sail, learn about ways to exercise with your son, learn about plants…who knows! Find something that has peaked your curiosity and run with it! Give it some energy and go for it!
6. Look up EFT or TFT on you tube. These are tapping techniques that are brilliant! So many times when I have been in high emotion, I start to do the tapping and my emotions calm down enough to where I feel more grounded. Sometimes I have to tap a gazillion times and it takes a day or 2 and sometimes it helps immediately….but be persistent. Tap until you start to feel a shift into feeling lighter. Sometimes the trigger is so deep and so intense it takes awhile for your system to shift.I’m glad you are leaving soon and will be able to get out of the environment you are in. I hope you will get to clear your head, relax more and just be yourself without having to worry about your husband being around or discovering new evidence etc.
Keep going Cara. No matter how this turns out, your job is to focus on YOUR journey and how to become more healthy through this. If the process is your goal, there is no failure. It’s the process that will change you, NOT THE END RESULT!
Please keep us updated when you can! I love hearing from you!
This is some great stuff Emma! Good job! thank you for sharing…that is a lot of pressure you had to deal with. Make sure you are kind with yourself when you “fail.” That’s the first rule of thumb….otherwise you are just putting yourself right back where you started in childhood…loving yourself through your mishaps, challenges and limitations is a lifelong skill you get to practice.
Let’s talk about this need for perfection. I understand it is a strong drive in you. Would you maybe be willing to also look at it as a gift? A very NATURAL and instinctive part of who you are? Here is the truth…anyone’s greatest strength is always their greatest weakness. Your drive for perfection I’m sure has served you well in this life. I’m sure it has gotten you to places that you otherwise would never have known. Besides…each kid responds differently to the pressures we perceive. We end up responding according to our personality, our gifts and abilities. Another kid would have responded entirely different to your parents. She may have responded by becoming rebellious and not excelling at anything, she may have responded by becoming introverted and shy and a complete co-dependent saying yes to anyone and everyone….you responded by becoming driven and seeking perfection…which if you really think about it, is one of the best ways you could have responded because at least in the real world, being driven is a valued and encouraged quality. Your drive is something you were born with and was the way you responded to the stress in life and will be something you will have to deal with for the rest of your life. It will serve you and get you places AND it will hinder you.
I get it though. I deal with exactly the same thing! My need for perfection is intense sometimes. I know that in my serious relationships, every single guy said 1 common thing…they felt like they couldn’t keep up with me…that they wanted me to just slow down and enjoy the flowers. I had such a high drive to have the “perfect” relationship that I was always working on myself and I wanted them to do the same. But as soon as something got better, I was looking at the very next thing that needed to get better. I couldn’t just relax and let things be okay. I will always have to deal with that side of myself, but over time, I have learned to immediately recognize it, I have learned to communicate and teach someone I am with how to hold me accountable when they see that in me, I have learned to also just be okay with it. I completely accept that this part of me will never go away as it is a characteristic I was born with. So when I feel it start to raise in intensity in a negative way, it’s my immediate job to start looking at what is triggering it, what thoughts and beliefs am I saying to myself and how can I love myself through this moment. The sooner I start that process, the better…because then I catch it before it becomes more and more intense and can do real damage. That is what you are supposed to do with all you have learned. Embrace it, understand the source and develop a skillset to help you work through it better for next time. And that takes time and practice, but any man worth their salt will have patience with you….we all have our low self esteem and it shows up in various ways. As long as you work with it and love yourself through it…you ARE being “perfect.”
As far as you being afraid you will fall into the same “trap”, it’s okay! You are going to be afraid and you ARE going to fall into that pattern again. It is a given. It’s the only way we learn.
Here is one of my favorite books called the 5 chapter book….it is an incredible way to describe the steps of us learning about our unhealthy patterns and limitations and our progress…or lack thereof. (the hole represents your need for perfection or what you call the trap)
Chapter 1: you are walking down the street and fall in the hole
Chapter 2: you are walking down the street, SEE the hole and fall in anyways
Chapter 3: you are walking down the street, see the hole and walk around it
Chapter 4: you are walking down the street, see the hole then cross the street
Chapter 5: you don’t walk down that street at allEmma…be patient with yourself. This is a process. You are hanging out at chapter 2 right now. As you learn, forgive (yourself, your parents, your nephew) and develop new skillsets, you will graduate to chapter 3, then 4, then 5. I have graduated to chapter 5 many times with my perfection issue, then sometimes, a certain situation will show up and I am back at chapter 2. Oh well! That’s okay….I am able to hang out in chapter 5 much more often than I used to, so I consider that great progress!
Remember as you go through this, getting rid of your low self-esteem and not falling into that “trap” is just a small part of the process. The REAL focus is…how do you love yourself when you do fall into that trap? How do you talk to yourself? How do you get out of the trap? How do you recognize the trap before it shows up? So it’s not about learning to stick the info you have learned and then you will be right to go…because honestly, that will NEVER happen…there will ALWAYS be something to work on and get better at….YOU ARE ENOUGH RIGHT NOW! YOU ARE WORTH CHOOSING AND FIGHTING FOR NOW! But YOU have to believe that if anyone else is going to believe that. Man…I have a gazillion flaws. I know so much about relationships, the psyche, how to heal, how to communicate…I have been studying myself for over 20 years! And you know what? I completely accept that I will have low self esteem forever. I will have lame things about me forever….AND I know that I am an incredible catch regardless. Any guy who gets to experience and feel my love is incredibly lucky and blessed! It’s NOT and ego thing I am saying…it is coming from a place deep inside my heart that I know I am valuable, just because I am and has NOTHING to do with my “performance.” Therefore, this belief helps me set standards as to how I am treated. I, of course, treat them the same in return and REQUIRE my guy to feel the same way about himself! That to me is my version of “perfect.” 2 people that love themselves, grow and value themselves and then they come together COMPLIMENTING each other’s lives, NOT completing each other’s holes that exist.
Does this help you create a more clear perspective and how to move forward with yourself?
Again…thank you for sharing! I am honored to be a part of your process!
Heidi
Emma! What great insights you have had! I love hearing all of that! You will be so much better next time!
You didn’t do anything “wrong.” You were doing the best you knew how and it’s not until we actually wake up to our patterns that we can actually shift or change anything. Next time you will do better AND you will still mess up. Instead of using the works “right” or “wrong”, use the phrase “less or more effective.” It helps A LOT with your psyche. For example, “I was being less effective when I chose the wording that I did when we argued.” “I hope to be more effective when we get back together.” I know this may seem petty, but “right” or “wrong” creates judgment on yourself…and that just activates low self esteem by telling yourself that you are being good or bad when really…even in those “bad” or “wrong” moments, there is still a gift in it for you….so those kinds of moments are teaching moments, therefore they are still effective for you and the person involved….right? So by “less effective or more effective” you are aligning yourself with higher vibrational thinking that does not have judgment in it. Try it out! You would be surprised at how much shifting our words, can shift how we feel.
I’m curious….do you know why you pull people in then push them out? Do you know why you ended up focusing so much on him and losing yourself? What is the root cause of this pattern of yours? Would you mind shared what you are a “little scared” of?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! Please keep sharing and asking questions!
Heidi
Hi Emma!
I’m glad you are getting a little response from him. I want to slow you down a bit. My biggest concern is from what you said earlier about the connection going really well when you were the damsel in distress….and that he is always good at coming to your rescue. I really want to emphasize that it is not a healthy pattern for your relationship to function off of…that kind of stuff works great for a period of time, but if it’s the only way to get him to connect with you….if it was when things were best between you guys…that raises a caution flag for me. He was saying something pretty important to you when he said that maybe things could work out if you guys matured a bit more. That is an important thing to pay attention to, if you want to get him back AND have it last this time.
A healthier, long lasting, sustainable relationship is when 2 people know how to take care of themselves…yes, our partner is there to help when needed, but reality is….there will be many times in life that our partner will not be able to be there when we need them. What do you do then?? That’s why when you are single, it’s a GREAT time to practice and develop this skillset. Learning how to handle your emotions better, learning forgiveness, developing your skills, digging deep into your limitations to understand them better…being single is a wonderful self learning time!
What I would like to encourage you to do, is to do more soul searching about the patterns you participated in with him that were not so healthy. Then begin to work on those patterns. I truly would hate to see you get his attention back only to fall back into the same pattern as before. You will end up right back where you are now.
As far as responding to him, I would just keep it really simple. The more you are a tad unavailable, the more he will be interested. So reply by saying something like, “Hi! Good to hear from you 🙂 No…I have not seen a folder. Is there any particular place I might need to look?” This keeps it super light, creates a question which requires a bit more interaction and he gets to have an easy exchange with you. That is so important if he is going to feel comfortable interacting with you again. Does that make sense? If you give him too much of yourself, he will not get the feeling like he missed something. If you give him just enough but leave him wanting a bit more, THAT is how you create the chase. So do not go overboard in responding. Keep it light, simple and sweet….AND SHORT!!!
I hope this ends up working out for you guys. I hope that during this time apart, you really begin to work on the patterns that were not so healthy with him. That way…if you do get back together, it will be healthier and have a better chance at lasting!
Keep us updated!!!!
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
I have to say…it is an incredibly big thing that you were willing to risk with him considering what happened when you were 23. Big events change our lives and can impact us forever in a negative way if we choose to let it. By risking with the guy, despite your low self esteem and not believing love was for you….good job! I’m sad that it hasn’t worked out in your favor…at least in this very moment….but what you did find out about yourself is that you are strong enough to handle it. You are strong enough to risk, you are strong enough to believe love CAN be for you!!! You deserve some serious kudos for that!
It’s a pretty normal thing to not believe in that powerful, limitless, nourishing love….especially for yourself. There are not a ton of role models out there (except in the movies) plus you add into that past traumas and experiences. I truly believe that each person has the right and ability to have and experience the kind of love they imagine. But like anything of quality or high vibration, you have to fight for it. That means forgiving, that means learning to love yourself deeper and deeper, that means learning to live in the moment, that means facing your fears. Each time you do these things, it raises your vibration which will attract a man who can match you there. So as you heal, you will be attracted to and also attract a man who is more healed. This by no means, happens overnight…it’s a process. By making a decision to love yourself enough to not go through this rejection anymore….THAT is healing. THAT is raising your vibration. THAT is setting a standard as to how you are treated.
I’m really proud of you for making this tough decision and really looking at the truth about what is going on inside of yourself. If there is anything else we can do to help, please ask away! We are here to support you!
Heidi
Hi Melissa!!
Wow! You have been through a lot! You are doing an incredible job! I just want to address your very good questions real quick:
Are there phases? Yes there are phases….they have different names, depending on what expert you are learning from. To me, all that matters is that I feel whatever I need to feel, I honor, respect and ACCEPT exactly where I am at and I will know when I am complete and finished my phases when I can think about that person that hurt me and feel indifferent. That’s how I keep checking to see if I am still carrying around any negative feelings. If I think about that person and I am able to freely and easily wish them the best AND there is not even a grain of sand feeling of hurt or negativity, THEN I did it….I have completed my process. Does this make sense?
YES!!!! It’s okay to be okay to be single! Goodness! I find so many people want the Band-Aid solution so they advise going out and getting distracted by other people. What you are doing is amazing! Trust yourself! Learning to be alone again is going to take time. Learning to be single and being okay to be single is part of what makes you a better partner in life! Having the strength to be alone and feel everything you need to feel is THE HEALTHIEST way to go about healing….if you decide to become distracted, that process will only take longer.
DO NOT focus on your age. I am not old, but not young either and not married. No matter what the statistics are, they don’t matter to me. I am happy and completely okay being single. I am not going to spend my precious time and energy worrying about getting too old for my chances of marriage. I have standards and I know what I want. When it shows up and I am inspired, then great! Until then, it is my job to be happy, find peace, BE IN THE PRESENT moment and enjoy my life…and while I have this time to myself, I work on my limitations so that when this guy shows up at some point, I have the least amount of baggage possible so he doesn’t have to deal with it!!! And that is what you need to keep your attention on. Trust your process!!!
Hopefully this will bring you more comfort! You are doing an incredible job and taking the road less traveled. Well done!
Heidi
Hi Sandra!
Man…this sucks for you! There is nothing more difficult than to have an incredible connection, a great friendship and getting to feel love….but there is 1 thing standing in the way…and that is the person’s fear. uuuugggghhh!!! It is sooo frustrating! It’s sad really. When so many wonderful things are there…the potential is there, but when they won’t say “yes”, I am sad to say there is not much you can do except let go.
You can provide all the space he needs, you can be the most caring, loving, accepting and best person for him, but in the end, the fear that is in him is so big that only HE can deal with. He either has to face it or let it control his life. Someday he may be ready.
For right now, he is out of work (a man out of work is completely unavailable!!! it hits them at the very core with their need to be “the provider” so this is not surprising that he doesn’t feel like he is good enough for a relationship right now) and like you said, he has some past wounds that seem to be contributing to how his life is designed. Let him go.
I say this to you because what is in him is deep rooted. The fear he is dealing with is not for YOU to fix or show him otherwise. He has got to learn how to face his fears and find out he is going to be okay. He has had the chance to risk with you, but he has said very clearly….no. He doesn’t want a relationship….at least not for right now. You need to listen to him instead of trying to change him. He is who he is right now. I imagine if you had a girlfriend telling you the same exact story, you might be inclined to tell her to say goodbye.
I say this because the amount of hurt and rejection you are constantly facing with this guy is not healthy for you. I understand so many things are wonderful with him, but truth be told, only part of your relationship is great. The other part…the part where you go through challenges TOGETHER…the part where you have good communication and agreement to work through the sticking points TOGETHER….the part where there is a solid commitment to each other….NONE OF THAT EXISTS. So I am so sad to say that all you really have is potential with him. You are building this amazing ideal of a guy but only remembering and focusing on when things are good. If you are going to look at someone, you must see them for ALL THAT THEY ARE….he is showing you, very clearly, that he is afraid and he is the kind of guy who isn’t willing to face that fear. Maybe it’s just not the right time for him to do that….maybe he is just that kind of guy who doesn’t do that sort of thing (grow and face the challenges in his life). So when you build this “ideal relationship with him” in your head, you MUST include the not so pretty side as well. When you can look at the WHOLE (the good, the bad, the ugly) and then STILL be able to say….”YES!!! this guy is amazing and worth fighting for! We have an incredible relationship and I am excited to share my life with him.”
You can only say something like that when the guy feels the same in return….when he is on the same page. Otherwise, your feelings are based on just how YOU feel and not how he feels.I want to encourage you to also look at what is going on in you, that you would stay connected and hand your heart over to a guy who doesn’t want it….and has very clearly said he doesn’t want it….and you still keep trying to convince him, through various techniques, that he DOES want it. This is where YOUR limitation is showing up. He is afraid to love and that is his journey. You are wanting to love him so badly that you are handing your heart over to a guy who doesn’t want to take care of it….that is your journey. I invite you to look at that on a deeper level. What is driving you to do this? What are you wanting from him that you are not willing to give to yourself?
It’s time for you to start choosing yourself over him. It’s time for you to stop allowing yourself to be hurt and rejected by him. Protect your heart! It is the most valuable thing you have!!!! There will be another guy, that at some point will be so happy, have not an ounce of hesitation and would be absolutely willing to join with you on a romantic journey. You just have to be willing to fight for that! Are you willing?
Heidi
Hi Maria!
I wanted to check in and see how everything went. Did you end up seeing him? How are you feeling? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Janja!
Thank you so much for sharing!!! This is great! You sound like a super cool gal to hang out with.
I want to direct you a little deeper now. I know it feels impossible to find the kind of guy that matches you well, but it isn’t impossible. You know how there is a famous saying, “you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself?” There is not a single situation in my life where that has not been true. And I have lived long enough and dated PLENTY and been in a love a handful of times to have seen the changes in the kind of guy I attracted to me….When I was in my 20’s…man….messy messy! All I was attracted to was the bad boy, emotionally unavailable kind of guy…and I was very good at getting their initial attention, but what always followed were a bunch of games and insecurities that were exhausting! But I was messy and that is what suited me at the time. Over time I really started to work very deep inside to heal the unhealthy beliefs I had about myself and about men in general. I learned to watch for my unhealthy patterns when they showed up and what to do about it. DO NOT get frustrated with men. They have issues just as you have….remember YOU are the one saying yes to them. If you raised your standards, said no to that kind of mess and only let healthier men come into your life, you would have an entirely different experience and belief about men! Now, I know A LOT of amazing, high quality guys that are so wonderful! But I had to earn the right to be in their presence and vise versa.
Here is a great analogy. Imagine each of us enters this earth as a big beautiful diamond. We are all different shapes, sizes, colors etc., but we all shine bright and beautiful. THEN…life happens. Our parents hurt us, our friends betray us, our lovers stab us in the back etc….each time something hurts us deeply, the low self esteem gets fed and a big glob of sticky tar gets thrown on our diamond. Then life happens again…more sticky tar….and so it continue on and on. As adults, a lot of that tar REALLY shows up when romance enters the picture. The low self esteem, the insecurities, the impulsiveness, the lack of honesty (all exist because of the tar) all come out in some form or another. When it is said, you can only love someone else as much as you love yourself, what that means is that you will be attracted to and match someone who has somewhere around the same amount of tar on their diamond as you do. Does that make sense?? So when you work on forgiveness, healing, acceptance, kindness, generosity of heart, gratitude etc…the more the tar will shrink and become less and less….THEN you will attract a guy who also has less tar on his diamond. Someone who doesn’t have a lot of tar on their diamond WILL NOT be interested, at all, in someone who DOES have a lot of tar. The person with less tar will only be interested in having healthier people around them to support and be likeminded with how they live their life. So your goal is to not focus on how impossible it is to find your ideal guy….YOU HAVE TO BE YOUR IDEAL SELF, through and through, in ALL situations, BEFORE you can find a guy who has less tar that can support the kind of relationship you want.
I want to give you another homework assignment. I want you to create your NON-NEGOTIABLE list:
Now that you know what you want to have, it’s time for you to get clear about what you cannot live without. This list is what I base my decisions on as to who is allowed into my life. This list embodies the qualities I CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT in a relationship. They are fundamental to my functioning. If even 1 quality is missing, I will not survive in the relationship. That’s why these are non-negotiable. I could meet the most amazing, beautiful and fun man, but if he is missing a quality on my list, I do not allow him into my life on a romantic level. YES….THAT IS VERY HARD TO DO!!! But I know what I HAVE TO HAVE in a relationship in order for my heart and soul to function and be fed and nourished.
Here are just a few of the things on my list:
1. Romantic
2. Emotionally intelligent and has a natural drive to learn and grow on his own
3. Kind, respectful and a good teammate when he is under stress
4. Good communicator
5. Financially abundant
6. Generous and kind hearted with everyone he meets
7. Authentic
8. Active
9. Loves the mountains: Hiking, canoeing, camping etc.
10. Loves animals
11. Loves being spontaneous and adventurous but also doesn’t mind planning some things out.
12. VisionaryOkay…so my first rule of thumb is this….every single quality on this list, I MUST EMBODY AS WELL. I do not ask for something from someone else, that I am not able to offer myself first. Second rule of thumb, TEST IT OUT!!!!
For example, I used to have on my list, an “athlete” instead of “active.” I thought I needed a guy who played a sport. Then I dated a handful of guys who were just active and I found that was actually okay for me. Also remember that as you change, your list may shift a little. As I have gotten older, my priorities have changed, therefore my list has changed.
This list represents your BASELINE STANDARDS in order for someone to enter into your life on a deeper level….NO EXCEPTIONS!!! Because I am in a phase of no longer dating but only interested in having a serious relationship, my list is at the forefront of my mind at all times. I have tested my list over and over and over, dating all different kinds of guys, so my list is pretty solid by now. When I date, I test the guy against my non negotiable list right from the beginning. And that is what Kanya is talking about when she advises taking things slow and really watching the guy. For example, a question I ask a guy when dating would be, “Tell me about the hardest time you have had in your life….what did you do? how do you feel about that time now?” A question like this gives me a little window into #3 on my list. Remember that dating is about gathering information. If you value your heart as if it is the most precious, rare piece of a diamond in existence, you wouldn’t just hand it over to anyone without making sure that person would care for your heart the way you care for your heart.
So the thing here is, you haven’t really valued your heart that much. You admitted to falling hard and fast which means your heart gets handled by people who don’t know how to care for it really well….and that is YOUR choice….not theirs.
Knowing this is your pattern, your best bet for shifting that pattern so you are able to enjoy the slow process of getting to know someone, is to understand WHY you are so impulsive. What is driving you so fast? What are you wanting to get from them that you are not giving to yourself? Once you identify the source, then you can start to work on healing that area of your life. THAT IS HOW YOU GET THE TAR OFF OF YOUR DIAMOND!!! You don’t get the tar off of your diamond by changing the kind of guy you meet. You set your standards and when you find that you are willing to compromise those standards, YOU IMMEDIATELY pay attention to what is getting in your way. What belief system is in the driver seat causing you to want to settle? What part of you is wanting to sabotage having the kind of relationship that you know is what you need?
I’ve written a lot here, but you seem to be someone really interested in wanting to know yourself better. This, of course, is one of a million ways to go about it, so try it out. I would love to hear your thoughts about this!!
Keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Aura,
I’m glad to hear that you are not taking this too seriously. I want to support what Kanya is advising. It helps a lot to have your attention divided and distracted by other experiences of dating. Those other experiences are amazing at giving you perspective as well as not bombarding 1 guy with all of your attention and desires when he is not ready for that.
I’m sorry you were disappointed about Jame’s magic text not working like you thought. When you are dealing with people and romance and love, theories, techniques, skills are all unpredictable. There are strong patterns, there are techniques that work a lot, but because each person is different, each situation is different, the way the techniques are delivered is different, you just never know how something is going to turn out. I know the magic text technique is actually quite powerful and works most of the time. It may end up working later on down the road when you both are in a different mindset, so don’t negate this technique entirely…keep it in your back pocket for future use!
Keep us updated and keep asking us questions! We are here to help and give you new ideas!
Heidi
Hi Cara!
Wow! Well said! I am soooo honored to have been able to help you find a bit more peace through all of this and validate what you already know inside of yourself. You are INCREDIBLY strong to take this approach, as it is the toughest road, but the road that will yield you the most results and highest rewards. Few people are willing to take this path. It’s a bummer…and it can be quite lonely at times, but let me tell ya, it is worth every bit challenge. It is a road less traveled, but what you get to see, experience and understand about your life is worth a million bucks! The quality of your relationships will sky rocket, the quality of your love and happiness will grow beyond what you even imagined…and most of all, you will give your son an incredible example of what is possible….and you will be able to help him through this life in such a powerful and unique way. My mother was that for me and because she could provide that for me…a path to my deeper self and a ways to heal in healthy ways…the quality of my life and the internal strength I have now…feels absolutely wonderful…and now I get to turn around and help affect hundreds of lives because of it. Your choices have that kind of power!!!!
Your biggest fear is valid. What I want you to focus on is finishing the story. When you stop the sentence at, “What if he is not the one?” Then it leaves you with fear….but what if you said, “What if he is not the one? I will be okay. I will find love again and it will be powerful. I will find happiness, peace and freedom even if he is not the one….because I am that powerful, I am that strong and I can create any kind of experience I wish to have.” Now when you say it like that, it doesn’t seem so scary does it? It sounds empowering. It is truth and truth is strong and unbreakable. Live from the truth and not from the lies of the fear. Every time you have this fear come up, you follow it with the truth!! EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
I am beyond proud of you. I have a lot of respect for your choices and the strength to focus your energies on your healing. Everything will turn out how it will and no matter what that is, because of your choice to heal first and foremost, you will find the many gifts that are waiting for you!
We are here for you if you need anything else!!!
Hi Suzanne,
I just want to say something really quick.
Of course you are miserable without him. Don’t forget you were miserable with him as well….that is why you left in the first place. ANYONE would be miserable without their person after being with them for 10 years and then finding out his choice is to be with a 20 year old. It is your misery and need to get out of pain that is the main driving force for you to get him back.
The moment someone tells me that “I cannot be happy without him…I am miserable without him…I don’t know how to live my life without him…” That is the moment I begin to really help them heal and focus on themselves BEFORE going after their person. Those types of thoughts tell me that you believe your happiness and quality of living is wrapped up in this guy. You do not know your happiness separate than him….and that is where it becomes more unhealthy.
This is why both Kanya and I keep asking you to SLOW DOWN and focus on yourself first! I am guessing this does not interest you in the least, since you do not acknowledge any of our comments about this. You seem to only be interested in getting him back and that is all that matters to you. The danger in this is no different than an addict. An addict is emotionally hurting and all they can think about is getting relief from their pain and nothing else matters. They are not interested in doing the REAL work to help themselves heal, they are only interested in getting out of pain, as fast as possible. So they get what they want somehow, but still end up in the same place they started. This is the cycle you are in right now. You are looking for pain relief and you believe the only way to get out of pain is to get him back….and this is simply not true. YOU are the one responsible for your happiness…that is NOT HIS JOB!!! Are you not interested in figuring this part of your life out?
I want you to get him back, but I don’t want you to get him back just to end up back here and the only way for that to happen that you have any control over, is really look at yourself and do some soul searching. The first place I want to invite you to start working on believing is that even though you are in misery without him, YOU WILL BE OKAY!!! You keep ending the story there….”I am miserable without him” and that’s it. How about finishing the story and creating a different ending?? “I am miserable without him AND I will be okay…AND I can still find peace, happiness, freedom and healing.” THAT is a true statement. THAT is the full story! If you would like to be swallowed up by your misery and let it control your life, then finish the story where you have been finishing it. But if you are interested in developing your inner strength, your OWN happiness separate than anyone else….then work on changing your story. You may not feel instant changes, but the more you keep saying over and over and over again the FULL STORY, the more it will help your deep psyche believe it.
I think it is a very good sign that he asked that girl about your text. Of course he cares. He probably asked because he doesn’t trust what you said. What woman in her right mind would not be angry that her man of 10 years is hooking up with a 20 year old??? So I’m guessing he is not trusting a word you said, or is at least extremely cautious….for a valid reason.
I still think you need to stay away for a bit. This particular issue that caused him to disconnect in the first place is feeling like he was being “pushed.” So by constantly creating situations to connect, he will not trust it, he will not trust your intentions and he will have his guard up. I’m not saying to NOT go through the rewrite method…I’m saying, go through the rewrite METHOD in SUPER SLOW MOTION. You have got to build trust back up with him. And that means giving him a TON of space and not giving him reasons to be suspicious. If you keep contacting him a few times a week, he will know you are trying to stay connected and get him back. Again…let him miss you!!! Let him feel the absence of you!! Let him see you figure your life out without him! This, more than anything will make him respect you more vs. being a girl he can come back to easily, once the 20 year old is out of the picture. He won’t respect you that way. You are an easy target which sends the message to him that he can do whatever he wants and still have you in his back pocket. He will respect your strength more than your desperation to have him back. I imagine that would be important to you. So wait a few weeks and THEN contact him and ask him for help with something. Does this make sense??
You can do this Suzanne! Face your misery head on and make a very conscious choice to not be controlled and run by that misery. You CHOOSE, every second of every single day…that you are going to be okay even though you feel misery. YOU ARE MORE THAN THIS MISERY!!! You are more than the loss of him, you are more than the hurt you feel!!!
Keep sticking with us if you can….Kanya and I will keep working you through this!!!
Heidi
I am not saying, at all, that you shouldn’t be with him. What I am saying is that you need to find yourself first. You need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can be happy without him. Yes, that takes time, but it’s possible. You need to know that you can love again. You need to know that you will be okay, whether or not he chooses to come back again. When you have those kinds of beliefs at the center of who you are, then you have healthy, clear thinking to make your decisions from. Right now, all you feel is misery and hurt….right now…all you know is that you want to get out of your misery and you belief that getting him back is the only option. What BOTH Kanya and I keep telling you….is to be with YOURSELF! Do not be afraid of the misery! Work with it, be in relationship with it instead of fighting it and doing everything you can to get away from it. You will find an incredible amount of strength when you face what you are afraid of….being without him. When you find out and actually believe and know that you are okay without him, when and if he does come back, your relationship will function at a much higher level….more healthy…more authentic….more independence emotionally….you have 2 people that have individual lives, love each other with everything they have….but also know how to stand on their own 2 feet without the other person should something happen. That is a strong, healthy relationship!
The last thing I want to say is that he seems like he is in a state of not trusting right now. The fact that he
Hi Nguyen!
How confusing! He was warm with you for quite awhile and then just went cold? Your connection with him sounds pretty amazing. There have been some typical ups and downs, but it sounds like you guys got through those pretty well.
Is there anything you can think of that would have triggered is need to distance? Have you guys officially said to each other that you were breaking up? Have you directly asked him why he is not saying anything about having a girlfriend? Instead of asking what you did wrong (which is assuming quite a bit) you just ask with curiosity…”Hey…this is what I noticed and it makes me wonder. I am not offended, I actually am just curious and want to learn more about you. Is there a reason you do not post anything about me? I feel like I am an important part of your life and part of this dream and your partner in all of this…at least as much as I can be. What is stopping you from posting about me?” Hopefully you would get an honest answer.
I have been around plenty of fitness / bodybuilding competitors. During season, they are some of the most unstable people I know. The amount of lifting, chemicals in their body, hormone changes that are happening, makes them behave in ways that make it hard to be in relationship with them. Outbursts of anger, mood swings like crazy, thinking isn’t very clear….I am wondering if this may be what has influenced him. If not that, there definitely is something going on.
Do you know anything about his past relationship history? Do you know if he has this kind of pattern? Where he all of a sudden starts to pull away? Has he posted anything about past girlfriends before? Personally, I do not post anything public about my life unless it’s a more neutral topic. I am an extremely private person, so his reasons may be as simple as that.
It is EXTREMELY difficult for any of these techniques to work unless there is contact with each other. It sounds like he may have moved on. I know you feel like he is the person you want to end up with, but let me ask you this….do you imagine the person you end up with bailing on you and disconnecting and not willing to work through whatever they are feeling? I know he felt perfect for you, but “perfect” is only perfect until it is not. Perfect is not a lasting thing and will not keep a relationship running. What keeps a relationship going is how people treat each other in the worst moments. If there is respect, communication and a willingness to grow….then that is a relationship that has a SOLID foundation. If there is disconnect, no communication and no willingness to grow….no matter how many perfect moments you have, there is not solid foundation…because when something hard shows up, there is nothing to support your relationship. I always coach people to not only give the good times credibility but also to look at the not so good times. It is EXTREMELY important that you pay close attention to how are treated, how they treat themselves, how they treat others, how they handle the stress….if, during that time, you could still call your relationship “perfect” then awesome! I just want you to really think about the kind of guy you are wanting to chase after.
It’s hard to advise you if I don’t know what caused the distance. There are several ways to go about getting your guy’s attention (if he still feels a connection with you). You can be more distant and let him feel the loss of you. You can ask for help and activate the “hero.” You can apologize for whatever you think you did wrong….offering a compliment is obviously not working though. When you do have contact, I know he says he is busy, but who initiates it? Are you always the one contacting him? And what do you guys talk about? Logistical stuff or friend kind of stuff?
I think that most of all, this is going to be a process for you to get him back, if that is possible. It might take awhile before he is willing to open up with you again, so keep having patience. If you are too available for him and willing to jump right back into a relationship without him needing to chase you a bit…most guys would not be so interested. Plus he is an athlete and so are you. You know how rewarding it is to conquer something you have worked for. If it comes too easy, it doesn’t have the appeal. So play hard to get. Reward him when he does make contact. Then pull back a bit again…then reward him.
Plus, this is a good time for you to do some soul searching about the kind of girlfriend you are. Maybe look at the areas that you felt you were not so good at…recognize where you felt you did really well. If he does end up coming back, you will have grown, improved your weaknesses and limitations and then it will make the relationship that much more “perfect.”
We would love to hear more thoughts and any other details you are willing to offer!
Heidi
Hi Suzanne…
I want you to really look at something here. And understand that this is not at all about discouraging you to fight for him. This is about you seeing a VERY CLEAR picture about the kind of man you have chosen. When you have this clear picture, THEN you can love him unconditionally.
Let me mirror back to you what you are saying about him and I’ll throw in some comments along the way:
1. He did not want to get married again because his first wife was awful and he was “forced” to marry her. First, he made that CHOICE! He is a grown man and is not a victim. There are plenty of people who don’t get married even if there is a child involved. So for him to use that as an excuse is a weak attempt at best. He had a choice. Second…he is dragging this fear around like a huge backpack. He is wearing it all day, every day….his fear of getting married again….his fear of being “pushed.” It’s sad really…because it is not allowing him to see you for YOU. He is seeing and treating you as if you were his ex-wife. He won’t marry you after 10 YEARS!!! What more does he need in order to feel safe moving forward with you? Have you ever asked him that? This fear of his is controlling his life and instead of facing his fear and dealing with it head on….he is running and then blaming you for pushing too hard. Again…I don’t know what or how you “pushed”….all I know is that part of why he is running from you started waaaaaaay before he met you. He is carrying the past wounds with him like his little blanket…and he thinks that it is going to keep him safe….when in reality, it is preventing him from growing.
So I am going to say this again to you….THIS IS WHO HE IS!!!! He is showing you that he is not a forgiving kind of guy…that he holds onto things…and if you push too much, he will rebel and run. I know you think you really hurt him when you left, but remember he also TOLD YOU TO LEAVE!!! HE DID NOT TRY AND STOP YOU – HE TOLD YOU GO!! You offered to stay and fight for your relationship and he said no. So really, you did not leave him. He was the one who designed this. So even if you do get him back, I would bet a million bucks you guys will go through this same type of pattern again at some point….it may look different, but at the core, it will be the same…him running from facing his fear. That makes for a relationship that does not have a solid foundation to stand on. So as you move forward with this…know that this is what YOU are choosing. You are not a victim of his choices. You are now making a very clear choice of fighting for a man who is not even willing to fight for himself, much less you. And that’s okay….you get to do that!!
2. I am very suspicious of him running away because you wanted to do things with him and fixing up the house. Those are very normal needs in a relationship. Are you telling me you want to give up those needs? There is just something that really feels “off” about all of this. You wanted to get married after 10 years….absolutely normal and reasonable….you wanted to spend more time with him….absolutely normal and reasonable…you wanted him to fix up the house….very normal and reasonable….I am thinking that you fell for a guy that is not really interested in fully committing or deepening your love together because he is so controlled by his fear, or there is something else going on here that is bigger than these very normal and reasonable requests from you. If it is the first option, I again want to emphasize, no matter how much you love him, you are fighting for a guy who is limited in the “Love” department. He is only going to go so far with you. This fear and this need to “rebel” against your needs by hooking up with a 20 year old…well, that says plenty.
I’m sure there are things that you have done to contribute to him distancing himself. I have no clue what those are, so again….do some serious soul searching as to how you have shown up in the relationship the past 3 years that was not in a healthy way. It is the only way to make sure you don’t fall into that same pattern again.
I know you want “to do” something to actively get him back and you think that it involves him. I again want to emphasize, leave him be. If he felt pushed and it caused him to run, give him the opposite experience. Let him do what he wants. He is going to do it anyways, but if you keep trying to involve yourself in this experience of his, it most likely will just cause him to go further away from you because you are just doing what you have always done with him…”push.”
I know you want a different answer. I know you want some magical words or techniques to get his attention off this 20 year old and back to you. I don’t blame you one bit! This will be a very hard journey for you. Go work on yourself. Go improve your qualities, your communication, do some deep soul searching and grow. THAT IS WHERE YOUR ATTENTION NEEDS TO BE. Again, let him go through this phase with peace. The more you push, the more he will want to stay with her. The more you pull yourself away, the more he will be left with a 20 year old that will eventually get boring. She will probably get bored of him first actually. Let it ride itself out naturally. Let him feel everything he needs to feel without you meddling. He blames his ex-wife into “forcing” him to marry her….don’t let him blame you for anything about this. Let him feel the FULL FORCE of his choices without you being involved. Does this make sense?? He will learn his lessons much sooner this way!
Hang in there Suzanne. This is a WONDERFUL opportunity for you to develop your skills of patience, forgiveness and acceptance…those are the hardest qualities to embody when we are not getting what we want. But if you can embody those qualities when you are feeling your worst…then you have truly grown and can handle ANY situation with grace.
Keeping writing to us!!! Keep spillin’ the beans! We are a safe place to challenge, to have your thoughts and emotions and to ask all the questions you want!
Heidi
