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Hi Maja!
It sounds like you are connecting to a great part of yourself! Respecting yourself first is so important! You cannot expect anyone to respect you or love you until you respect and love yourself.
I want to invite you to spend this time apart while he if figuring out what he wants, to really get clear about what you need. Not with just general concepts like, “I need more attention.” It’s important that you get VERY specific and have concrete examples. If you end up sitting down with your husband to talk about how to move forward TOGETHER…men respond much better to VERY SPECIFIC examples of how they can be a better partner. So maybe make a list of what you need from him. When you sit down together, maybe go over only 1 or 2 things that are the most important for you. If you ask for a lot, usually they deliver a little. You want him to feel like a hero by helping him be successful. So pick 1 or 2 things you need from him, then each time he accomplishes it, praise him, appreciate him, make him feel like the best man ever! That will encourage to want to do more for you because it feels good!
A book I HIGHLY suggest you read is by Dr. John Gottman “The Man’s Guide to Women.” It was a book written for men, but as a woman, I found it HIGHLY useful and helpful in understanding what I needed most. Interestingly enough, Dr. Gottman discovered that a man is the one who holds the most power in whether a relationship will last or not. If a man is present, connective and listens well, the odds of the relationship lasting a long time, and happily….are very high. Just the opposite is true as well. If a man is NOT very good at listening and being connective, the odds of the relationship lasting are extremely low. So basically, if the guy can learn how to be a good husband, by following the basic principles in the book, the relationship will drastically improve!
Maybe after reading that book, you can be much more clear about what you need and then explain it to your husband in a more clear way. The more clear you are, the easier it will be for him to understand.
Also remember to provide your husband with the same opportunity to ask for his needs as well. I always like to ask in return, “How can I be a better partner for you?” So we BOTH pick 1 or 2 things we really want to work on for each other and then we set up another dinner date in a few months so we can check in and see how each other is feeling about the past few months and the changes made.
You both have a lot going on. It will take awhile to heal and to figure out new ways to interact with each other that are more healthy. As long as you both are willing to lay it all out on the line and choose to love each other through the challenges and limitations, there is a possibility for healing.
If he is not willing to go down that path with you, then despite how much you love, you know that you don’t have a good partner and it will be time to re-design your life.
And Maja, if he doesn’t choose you, remember to stay very connected to yourself and love yourself A LOT through it. It will be hard. You love him and it will hurt to not be fought for. If that does end up happening, write back to us and we can help give you some ideas about how to get through something like that.
I hope for the best though!!!
Heidi
Okay! That’s great!
what do you think about the idea of inviting him out for dinner to a romantic place. Put on something that makes you feel sexy and turn up the heat. Flirt, compliment and make him feel like the most desirable man on the face of the earth. Maybe have only 1 glass of wine to help you relax a bit.
Is that something you feel comfortable doing? Do you feel like he would respond?
Heidi
That’s interesting. If it felt like a big deal to him to NOT have sex with you, then that is telling me that he does have sexual feelings for you. So him saying he just feels like you guys are not compatible in that department, seems a little off.
I’m a bit suspicious….it feels like there is just something he is not telling you. If his issue truly was not enough sex, then if you worked on that, I would imagine it would make him really happy! But once you offered, he pulled back and came up with another excuse.
I am wondering if he met someone else. I can’t imagine his friend would talk him out of being with you. Maybe his friend had a lady friend he wanted to introduce him to.
Either way, my point is, it feels like there are some mixed messages here. Do YOU feel like you guys were sexually compatible? I mean, would he compliment you, tell you how amazing the sex was, show any kind of sign that he really liked having sex with you?
Here is the thing….if he liked having sex with you, I think getting him back would be an easier thing to accomplish with a little flirting, initiation, “hero” concept and some sexy lingerie.
But if he is either interested in someone else OR just does not have sexual interest in you, then it would be time for you to let go. Neither of those things would be healthy for you to pursue. If he just doesn’t feel sexual towards you, then I would suggest to invest your energy with a guy where it is effortless! Relationships have so many kinks to work out that the sexual connection part needs to be easier. If he is interested in another girl, it would be up to you if you feel like you want to compete against her and try and win him back. That’s a pretty tough road to travel.
Out of curiosity, what does your gut tell you?
Heidi
I wonder if you initiated and turned up the flirting, if he would respond to that. He is saying he just doesn’t feel sexual towards you…can you see that? Looking back, can you see that with how he had sex with you?
I guess I’m looking for some signs to support what he is saying.
Sorry for so many questions. Trying to know how to best guide you here. Just need a little more info.
Heidi
Okay….I don’t know that I would give him that much time to “think.” The issue here is, he does not feel sexual towards you. Time will not change any of that. The only way to change that is for him to be around you and you turn up the volume on flirting and sexual energy.
So I ask again, do you feel sexual towards him? What is stopping you from flirting with him IN PERSON? Do you know what is making you uncomfortable being affectionate and sexual with him? Out of curiosity, has this been a problem in the past?
Heidi
Hi Maja!
It sounds like there are a lot of dynamics happening and something changed. I understand that you have made mistakes in the marriage. I do want to encourage you to also hold him accountable for his side of things. YOU did not create this other woman. HE DID. In marriage, EVERYONE messes up! That is normal, but for him to choose to leave and find another woman is HIS choice of how he wants to handle his unhappiness. You were unhappy and your choice was to become cold. He was unhappy and his choice was to cheat.
But again, I want to emphasize that as much as you are sorry for your mistakes, if he is not sorry for HIS mistakes, you will just end up being in the same pattern again. He will still have a big ego, he will still think he is smarter than you, he will still want sex 2-3x a day and not ask about your needs. Make sure that you are very clear that you can change as much as you want, but you need 2 people to see their errors and work on them TOGETHER. One person cannot do it all. It will fall apart again. I understand you love him and want him back. I wish love were enough. Your relationship with him is not built on respect and that is a big challenge. Have you also read “What men secretly want?” It talks about the respect principle in that. It may help you understand better.
I would also agree with you to NOT call him when he returns. Let him feel your absence. Let him miss you. If you are too easy, he will not feel like he is missing anything. That again leads back to the respect principle. Playing hard to get can be a healthy thing sometimes. You are spending all of your time thinking about how you can get him back and he is spending all of his time thinking, which woman do I want?
Do some reading and get back to us with more questions!!!
Hi Andrea!
Wow! I’m sorry to hear this. It’s amazing to have a best friend, but you definitely have to be sexually connected in order to be romantic partners. From what you are saying, it sounds like he just does not have that for you.
Some questions I would ask him would be, 1. Did you ever feel sexually compatible with me? 2. If you did, what changed?
If he never felt compatible, even from the very beginning, it is either just not there for him and nothing you do will make a difference or you don’t put off a very strong sexual, feminine energy.
Do you flirt with him? Do you wear clothes that show off your body? (not necessarily skin, but clothes that show off your feminine) Do you feel sexual towards him?
Have you read “Irresistible Communication?”
Heidi
Hi Maja!
I am curious….do you know why he is seeing another woman? Even if you do get him back, who is to say that he won’t do this again? Is this the first time he has done this?
If you can understand what is missing in the relationship that makes him want to look elsewhere, then when you do get him back, you guys can work on those areas so that he does not get his needs met elsewhere again.
Hi choices make me very sad. He is teaching his boys that it is okay to run from problems and have 2 women at the same time….he is losing contact with his sons and he is off on vacation with another women trying to decide if he feels like being a father and husband to you. I hope something changes for the better!
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
You have a very good question and some good points! I find it interesting that he is complaining about you not being affectionate or intimate enough, yet he ends the relationship over text. Hmmmmm…..his choice was not very intimate or connective nor honoring the “best friends” type of relationship.
I have a few questions….did he do this out of the blue? Has he ever mentioned this issue to you before? Do you completely agree with him? He says he lost his feelings for you….do you have any idea when that may have started? Notice any pattern changes etc.? When you told him you would work on getting better in those areas, what did he say? Did he initiate sex frequently and you would say no?
I’m not sure if this is a lost cause. Having a little more information will help us better guide you through this.
Heidi
Hi Jackie,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? Have you had any success in meeting new people? Has that guy respected your boundary?
Hope to hear from you soon. We would love an update!!!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
How are you doing??? I am so curious how you are feeling, how your retreat went and where you are at in your healing process. Any new developments?
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Urietha!
Give us an update! Have you had a conversation with him or did you decide you would like to wait this out?
We would love to hear any more thoughts you have about this. Hope to hear from you soon!Heidi
Hi Houda,
We haven’t heard back from you. What is happening? Is anything resolving itself? How are you doing?
We would love to hear back from you!Heidi
Hi Elle!
We would love to hear back from you! Any thoughts about what I said? Any new developments? Did you decide anything?
Hope to hear back 🙂
Heidi
