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Hi Kerryn,
Wow! This is quite the layered situation. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. The first thing I want to tell you is to NOT take full responsibility for this. I am sensing you are blaming yourself quite a bit for this happening. You have quite the caring and compassionate heart! First and foremost, HE IS RESOPNSIBLE for his own happiness. If he is feeling helpless, powerless and not enough like a man…it is his job to work through that and you are there to support and help. Has he talked with you about this? Has he asked for your help with this? If he wants to buy a donut king shop and be unhappy, then that’s okay! For a man, IT IS CRUCIAL that he has something to create and produce, so even if this donut king makes him unhappy eventually, for now it is helping and giving him purpose. Do not worry about the future until it shows up. Worrying about something that hasn’t happened costs a lot of your energy! For now, support his choices.
I also want to ask you where you fit into this situation? Everything you are talking about is HIS unhappiness. I am wondering where YOU fit into all of this. If he needs a feeble, small, needy woman to make him feel like a hero, then he has some soul searching to do. Reality is, she may make him feel like a boy and a hero in this moment, but if he were to go over there and live with her….eventually at some point ALL OF THAT would disappear and he would lose respect for her and start to feel resentful. I am guessing that when he found you and chose to be with you, his life was much more in order. He had a job, a purpose, felt like he could provide. So when his life is better, he wants a stronger, stable woman. When his life is in the dumps, he wants a needy woman. He is living in a serious illusion to think that this other woman is something special in his life. I know it feels like it to him, but I would bet a million bucks he would get sick of her real quick if he were to ever live with her day in and day out. So basically, his higher self esteem chose you and his lower self esteem is choosing her. So what do you do about that? The LAST thing I would ever suggest is to become more needy. It’s great that you are doing little things here and there to activate his hero instinct, BUT DO NOT LOSE WHO YOU ARE in this process just so he chooses you and not her. That would be the biggest loss of all. You maintain your strength, your self esteem, your stability!! Do not become smaller in any way to accommodate him. He needs to step up and find himself again. And it sounds like with this new job, he is on his way.
Have you guys considered a sex therapist? They can have some AMAZING ideas and insights into what is happening. He may have some hormonal imbalances like being very low on testosterone. He might need to exercise more. It might be purely psychological (not feeling like a man) of which can be corrected. My question to you is….is he willing to fight for your marriage? Does he care about how his choices are affecting you? Do you guys have an agreement about your open sex life? It is CRUCIAL that you protect your relationship FIRST!!! Couples that open themselves up to other sexual partners usually have some very clear and agreed upon boundaries they abide by. Communication needs to be very high and most of all, they choose each other over other people if either person starts to feel uncomfortable. So that is why I ask you….where do you fit into all of this? Where is he caring about how this is affecting you?
Heidi
Hi Mel!
So great to hear from you!!! Thank you for the update!
Of course you feel lost! That is very normal and to be expected. When there is a BIG HOLE that shows up in our lives, be it a person leaves, a job is lost something major happens that changes our lives, feeling lost is part of the process of recovery. There is a period of time where there are no answers, there is no direction, we feel like we are floating and not grounded….we feel lost. And that is OKAY!!!! It’s important to be okay feeling lost for awhile. If you can learn to be comfortable in the uncomfortable, learn to be patient in the unknown, then you will find more peace. New answers, new people, new events will show up. They always do. It just takes a bit of time. And it will all show up exactly when it is supposed to. Have faith in that! In the meantime, it’s okay to be lost and directionless and be in the unknown! Rest easy and know that you can breathe better than before and there is a peace that you are experiencing that is so important for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Joy,
Well, you can just be very upfront and set a boundary. Here is the reality of his life. He has no time. You want him to make time where he has none. If he hangs out with you, that means he has to say no to something else.
I imagine that once he texts you to come visit him, you do it. So you are not really giving him any reason to make plans otherwise. He gets to see you whenever he asks. Why not set a little boundary? Let him know that you love seeing him but you are just not sure when you can stop by again. If he would like to see you outside of the shop, you would love that and can make time for him.
See what he does with that….it will put just a little pressure on him.
Heidi
Hi Joy!
It sounds like his mixed signals of getting close then disappearing is his fear running his life. It sounds like you guys have a great connection. It is going to take a lot of time probably for him to realize you are not his ex. You can tell him that all you want, but he will never believe it until he starts to see it in action and FEELS the difference. If you really want him, then you probably need to turn up your patience dial. He is sooooo busy and starting a new business is a whole different experience for a man than it is for a woman typically. They experience everything differently and my guess is…he is going to need A LOT more time to before he starts to involve you in his personal life.
The “hero” type of questions you can ask him for can be super simple. Maybe say, “Hey, my girlfriends and I are looking for a new sushi place to go to tonight. Any recommendations?” Maybe ask him for some advice about your kids….something simple. Maybe ask for help with recipes or organizing something. You can be independent AND ask questions for his ideas and advice for simple things right now.
Do you ever workout? Does he workout? Maybe you guys can find a common activity that is important to build into life on top of work and kids and you do that activity together….like exercising.
Have you ever tried becoming less available for him? Maybe you pull away for a few weeks and let him make all of the effort. If he misses you because he doesn’t get to see you at his shop…it may inspire him to invite you somewhere.
Hopefully this gives you more ideas! Keep us updated!
Hi Stephanie,
I am so sorry to hear this. You are doing everything you possibly know how. He said that “he just doesn’t know because he is so hurt.” What does that mean? Is there some big event that happened between you two or lots of stuff has just built up over the years?
I am also wondering if something from the military is causing him to shut down. He sounds like he is still connecting but doesn’t feel safe enough to move forward with you. I’m sad he only gave 1 try with a therapist. It sounds like he is just making excuses to not really work on anything.
I hate to say this, but all you can do….ever….is the best you know how….and unfortunately that sometimes is not enough. Because relationships take 2 people, 1 person can do ALL the work, but the other person needs to join in that process for healing to occur. So will all of your efforts pay off? Well, it depends on how you want to look at it. If you are reading and learning all of these things only to get your husband back, then maybe it will pay off or maybe it won’t. That is up to him. HOWEVER, if you are becoming a better wife, a better person and learning a lot and changing and growing…the ABSOLUTELY all of your efforts are paying off! You are becoming more that what you were and bottom line, that is the best thing you can do for yourself. He doesn’t seem to be interested in joining you on this process, so all you can do is keep growing and working on yourself. Keep developing new patterns with him. If trust was broken, when he sees that over time, all this new behavior is truly who you are vs. a temporary fix to win him back, then he may feel safe to re-connect. Keep giving it as much time as possible. The people you are learning from are EXCELLENT! You may also like the Gottman Institute. Dr. John Gottman did the largest study, to this very day, asking the question “What makes it last?” The study was over 20 years and the data he collected was incredible. I LOVE all the advice he offers for couples. Spot on and powerful!!! Maybe instead of doing a therapist, your husband would be willing to do a weekend workshop or even go through a book together with you. That may seem more do-able for him.
Again, you are doing a great job and the best you know how and that’s all you can really ask for from anyone! If he still chooses to walk away, then at least you will have peace inside that you did everything you know how and you can be proud of that. He will not be able to say the same thing, which is sad.
For now, just keep building your friendship. Maybe take a break from talking about how to get back together. Develop the friendship more, create new patterns with him, practice all that you are learning and mostly….LET GO OF THE OUTCOME! Pay more attention to the process and bonding with him. That’s all that matters…whatever is happening NOW is where your attention needs to stay. Take the pressure off of him and give him some breathing room for a bit and just practice being together. Then when you sense it’s okay, approach the topic again of maybe trying a workshop or a book.
We would love your feedback and any other thoughts you have. Keep us updated and ask all the questions you need! We are here to help you through this!
Heidi
Hi Viola,
How long were you guys together for? Are you aware of anything that happened that would cause him to pull away? Has he always lived an hour away from you?
Usually when someone says, “It’s me, not you” it means there is something about the relationship that just didn’t work OR there is something that happened like maybe he found someone else or maybe something traumatic happened (like losing a job or family issues). That’s why I am asking if there was an event like an argument or something that happened between you guys that could have triggered him to pull away from you?
It is hard to offer guidance for you. We can tell you all the things to say and do, but sometimes, if there is a deeper issue (especially if he will not share it with you), no matter what you do, it will not matter. It may be time for you to let him go. A little more information will be helpful.
Have you read “His Secret Obsession” and “What Men Really Want?” There are some great tips of how to catch a man’s attention again. Go back and review some of those and then come back here and ask any questions!
I do have a question for you….why do you want him back? What is it about him that makes you want to fight for him to be in your life?
Heidi
Hi Jackie!
I am so glad you got some clarification. I am also sad that he chose to stay with a controlling woman. He sure is missing out on life! I am really proud of you that you set a boundary, even though it meant losing him. That is so hard to do when there is such a strong connection. Well done!
As far as meeting people, I always suggest to find groups that you can join that do activities that you love. That way, you will be having fun, laughing and being social which means you will be putting off a good vibe which is attractive. What about dancing…square dancing, line dancing, ballroom dancing? An exercise group? Maybe volunteer for a cause you support? Have you looked at meetup.com. It’s a website where people post their groups. So you would join and type in “hiking” and a ton of hiking groups will show up and you can choose which ones you want to try. There are groups for everything under the sun on that website. It’s great!
Keep us updated on anything you find that interests you!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid,
That’s strange that you are not getting notifications. I have no idea how to fix that, so maybe contact tech support. Maybe it is an issue with the website or the browser you are using.
I am so sorry to hear that it is something serious he is dealing with. Hopefully whatever it is, it will be manageable and is able to be healed. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for him and for you to find this out as well.
I look forward to hear more details from you. Sending you lots of goodness!!!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
Are you back yet? I am wondering how your retreat went and how you are feeling. Give us an update whenever you have some time. Sending you TONS of goodness!
Heidi
Hi De B,
I’m glad you got some confirmation from his ex that she is not crazy like he mentioned. You are hurt and dealing with the loss of a BIG dream. You dreamed you and Richard could be happy together and build a life together and now it is all crashing to the ground and no longer exists. What makes getting over him even more difficult is that you built that dream upon an idea that was not true. The idea being that he was someone who could build with you. The idea that he was on the same page as you. The idea that you could actually be happy with someone like him. So not only are you having to let go of the dream you have built up, you are waking up to who he REALLY is.
I know you are trying to make sense of all of this. Maybe try NOT to make sense of how you are feeling or even his behaviors. What about trying to just accept what is and deal with the emotions. The more you try to spend time in your head figuring everything out….putting everything into boxes that makes sense….the more you will can perpetuate a cycle of being stuck….like a hamster in a wheel. Why not get off that cycle? For example, you don’t understand why you keep dwelling on thoughts of him? Does it REALLY matter? You just do, so spend ALL of your energy healing that part of you vs. searching for more information. You don’t know why he keeps connecting with you when at the same time he is telling you how bad and wrong you are? Does it matter? Not really. He just does that, so spend ALL of your energy working on disconnecting because he is hurtful and very manipulative. I understand answering the “why” feels like it will help you make sense of everything, but sometimes, trying to answer that “why” can be distraction from taking ACTION and moving forward.
Again, I would encourage you to block him. How can you really move on when he keeps texting you and asking how you are? He is being caring and connective which easily pulls you back in. Every time he texts, you respond. That gives him his power. He knows that he can get his fix off of you anytime he wants. And you know that every time you will give him that because at this point, you are not strong enough to resist him. So why not block him. That way you just don’t play his game at all. You are getting a divorce. It’s over. So there is no longer a need to communicate. Everything you do right now needs to be about taking care of yourself, protecting yourself from him and healing. Every single time you respond to his text, you are engaging with him….even if you are asking him to leave you alone. When has he EVER done what you asked? He will not respect your boundary, so you have to respect your boundary. If you want him to leave you alone, STOP RESPONDING. He won’t get his fix off of you anymore, he can’t manipulate you if you don’t engage with him, so that is the best way to really help him move on and you move on. I know how hard that would be. You keep engaging because you still want to connect. I get it. I have done it before and it is destructive. At some point, you will develop more inner strength and self love to no longer deal with him.
As far as your future, don’t worry about that at this point. Of course you cannot imagine being in love with another man. You are dealing with so much hurt and pain….nobody would be able to create a new dream when they are dealing with a breakup. That’s very normal and honestly, the least of your concerns. You will get there eventually. You will heal. You will stop hurting and you will create a brand new life that is much healthier. It will take time. For now, just keep staying in the moment and taking care of your needs, getting the support you need, doing whatever you can to love yourself and keep healing. That is all you need to focus on and all that matters right now. The rest will fall into place when it is supposed to.
You have made some HUGE steps forward De B. If you can do that, you can keep going and finish the process. That hardest part is over. Remember when you weren’t even sure you could give him a divorce? Now…you did it. Now, you are on the path to healing. You can do keep going…1 step at a time…you will miss him, you will be angry, you will grieve the loss of your dream, you will be depressed, you will want to drink…..AND you will face all of that and heal. You can do this!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid!
How does this make you feel? I’m sure you have some BIG relief getting confirmation that he is dealing with an illness and it has nothing to do with you. I am so glad to hear he is not dying. Whew!
So he finally reached out. He must really miss you. I think it’s a good plan to create some space for him and not bombard him with texts.
I’m curious what YOU are thinking and feeling and how you would like to handle all of this. How do you see this moving forward? How do you feel about him now knowing he ghosted you because he is sick? What specifically do you need from him if he asks to be a part of your life again?
Heidi
Hi Ingrid,
Man…another loss? Of course that triggered you!!! And you got the promotion! Congrats!!! But I also see why it was anti climactic because he was not there and he was such a huge support! Such a big hole that was left when he disappeared. You are going to have a lot of sad moments as he was quite special in your life.
Here is 1 of many techniques that I always use when I am working through something difficult. I can’t remember if I mentioned it before. I call it “finishing the story.” What fuels the tears, the hurt and sadness is our thoughts. You can feel sad, but then you have thoughts that keep you feeling sad and can intensify the sadness. For example, you might be saying, “I so badly want to tell Rob about my promotion but I can’t. I miss him so much. What did I do wrong?” And then those thoughts just keep growing and perpetuating upon themselves. A way to stop those thoughts is by “finishing the story” and that means also putting truth into the thought process. So instead of just stopping at, “I miss Rob.” You would say, “I miss Rob AND I will be okay. I will love again.” Or… ”I feel like a fraud AND I am doing the very best that I know how. “ It’s just making sure you create the WHOLE story of thoughts vs. just stopping at the negative or heavier thoughts. It will help keep you grounded and connected to the truth.
I know you are trying to find the “reason” why he disappeared, so you are searching for every possible thing you did or said, or did not do or say that would cause him to disappear. We all do that when we don’t have answers. It’s time to let that go. It’s time to make peace in that you don’t know and you may never know. It’s important to give your spirit some closure. The more you keep trying to figure out the reason, the more energy you are NOT using for closure and healing. I’m going to say something that may be a bit harsh…not sure if this is okay to say, but I’m willing to risk it. I know you have this perception of him that he is intelligent, resilient and a strong man. I have no doubt that he is! In this particular situation, he is not that. He is hiding from you and his friends. He has disrespected all that you built together and he is only thinking about himself right now. He may disagree, but reality is…you guys were building something together and he just walked away without a word. He is letting fear control him instead of honoring and saying what his needs are to you in person. So the other part of finishing the story is making sure you include the darker stuff as well as the light. So instead of saying, “he is intelligent, strong and resilient.” You would say, “He is intelligent, strong and resilient AND he is not caring about me right now. He is not a strong right now.” It’s important for you to remember his limitations as well as his strengths….and many times they are one and the same. This will help you keep a clearer perspective about who he is vs. building a story of him of only his best qualities.
But let’s just say that he did disappear because you didn’t appreciate him enough. Is that really your fault? You were the best person you knew how to be with him right? If there is something missing for him, is it not his responsibility to communicate that to you and ask for his needs? You are not a mind reader. So IF he did disappear on you because you were not appreciative enough, is this the kind of guy you want to build your future with then? A guy who doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs? A guy who just disappears without giving you a chance to improve?? I imagine that kind of guy would not work very well for you. I am pretty positive this is not why he has ghosted, but my point is….whatever scenarios you start to come up with about why he disappeared, work them ALL THE WAY THROUGH vs. just leaving it as a question.
It still comes down to it doesn’t matter. The more you live in the past, the more you will stay stuck there and not be able to create closure. The closure you will find is in the present moment. And in the present moment, he is gone. In the present moment, you no longer have a relationship with him. That’s it. No more exploring the “why.” Settle in your spirit and deal with what you DO know and not what you don’t know. This is so hard from me to say to you because I know that pain that comes with creating closure. I’m so sorry this is how it has shown up for you. I know what this feels like AND I have no doubt that you have the strength to walk yourself through this in a healthy way.
As far as making emotions fluid and the “why”: It’s simple really, but far from easy! The reason is, it helps the emotions to not get stuck. When we have an emotional reaction to something, if we don’t deal with those emotions, they just get buried eventually and clutter our spirit, mind and body. People think that just because they don’t feel the hurt anymore, it’s gone. That is not true. It’s just buried and will resurface again in another situation. This is an analogy that I love. Hopefully it will give you a more clear picture of what I am talking about.
Imagine that we all come to earth as BIG BEAUTIFUL diamonds. We all have different shapes, sizes, colors etc. Then life happens. Hurt, abandonment, rejection etc. show up and because we are children, we don’t know how to make those hurt feelings fluid or how to transform those heavy emotions. So those emotions will get stored and stuck to our spirit. That becomes tar that is toppled on top of our diamond. Then more hurt happens, more tar etc. Then we become adults. The more tar we have on our diamond, the more reactive we are in life. The tar is what we feel when we get triggered. Being triggered means that past emotions, beliefs, traumas, disruptions (the tar) is being lit up by the current situation. That is why healing is important. That is why forgiveness is crucial. It gets rid of the tar. That is why working WITH the emotions and making them fluid, transforming them, healing them is so important….otherwise all those emotions turn into tar and add another layer to our big, beautiful diamond. That tar is what keeps you limited in life. That tar is full of fear and lies that we are believing in and the more tar someone has, the less connected they are to truth and the worse decisions they make in life. It’s the tar in Rob’s life that is causing him to ghost on everyone. Does this make sense???
I wrote A LOT today! Hopefully it is helpful and not overwhelming. I’ll stop here. I would love to hear back from you!
I’m glad we are helping you. It’s always wonderful to know that you feel safe, cared about and that it was worth it to join our forum. I appreciate you saying that!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid!
I get it. Healing and grief is a roller coaster ride. One day you are feeling strong and grounded and the next you feel like you are right back where you started. This is normal…and I know you know that…I am just reminding you. Be kind with yourself. You are far from a fraud. you are someone who is grieving a BIG loss and you don’t even know the reason for it, which makes the loss a gazillion times more difficult. As the challenging days show up, it’s crucial to be kind and loving and patient with yourself. When that voice shows up calling you a fraud, shut it off! Close it down by replacing it with the truth….the truth is you are hurting and it’s okay to hurt….that’s it…plain and simple truth.
It’s such a hug loss to not have that person there for you when you come home from a rough day. Having that comfort from someone you feel safe with is so wonderful. Of course you miss him. He sounded like a really awesome match for you. It’s such a bummer he is not willing to let anyone into his process right now. He is missing out on one of the biggest lessons he could be learning right now…asking for help and support would be so good for him. Maybe at some point he will figure that out.
You are doing a wonderful job. All the hurt, pain and anger only honor him. It just means that you care. One day at a time. A good day will show up again amongst the challenging days. Before you know it, the good days will show up more frequently.
Keep venting with us. Yell, get angry, be hurt, be depressed…do whatever you need to do to keep those emotions moving and fluid. We are here for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Karen,
It sounds like you both are on the path to healing and that is wonderful to hear. You are doing some wonderful things by still connecting with your children and finding joy with them and still connecting with him on some level. I know right now it feels near impossible to imagine being connected to him like before. It is possible if you can forgive, if you both grow and really look at what caused the infidelity…if he learns how to handle his impulses better and if the communication between you guys improves. It’s A LOT of work!!! But you guys are getting help and that is essential. It’s going to take some time. For right now you don’t need to make any decisions. Right now is the time for you to heal and for him to work on building trust and choosing to fight for himself and your relationship together.
I am wondering….if he is showing remorse and showing love/care/affection towards you, what makes you think you are not irresistible? What is missing that you feel he doesn’t see you that way?
Thank you for the update!!!
Hi De B
Write that letter. As Kanya said, HOLD NOTHING BACK!!! You may need to write several letters. It will help tremendously as it gets all your feelings, the positive and the negative out of your head. It will help lessen your need to tell him. Here is a general guideline I use when thinking about sharing my thoughts and feelings with someone or confronting someone. I always ask myself…Do I feel safe with them? Are they a safe person for me to share my deeper feelings with? If not, I keep it to myself and work through it alone. When someone isn’t safe with your feelings and you share with them your heart, you are putting yourself right back into an abusive situation and you get traumatized all over again. So good job in deciding to stay away. He is not safe and has never once demonstrated that.
As far as you bringing this out in him, that is IMPOSSIBLE!!! All you have is his word as to him having wonderful things to say about his past girlfriends and he was never abusive towards them. I DOUBT THAT WITH EVERY CELL IN MY BODY. Remember, he needs to paint the picture of himself that he is not at fault for anything and he needs to come across as looking good and blaming you. So why wouldn’t he tell you that he was fine until he met you? Why wouldn’t he paint the picture that he was a great guy until he met you? That way everything can be your fault. Here is the truth….all of this anger and abusiveness was in him BEFORE HE MET YOU!!! You cannot bring something out in someone that isn’t there. There are PLENTY of men out there that you could treat exactly the same way as you did your husband and they would not have reacted with abuse, blaming and shaming you for everything. So get his voice out of your head. You are giving him the authority of truth. You are letting his truth be your truth! HIS TRUTH IS SOOOO DISTORTED…as all narcissists are….those types of personalities always believe whatever story they want to make up about any situation. Many times, it is a completely off the wall account of how something happened….and that is what he is doing with you by blaming you. He has a problem…he is mentally sick needs to get some help…who knows if he will ever go down that path….it no longer matters. What matters is you getting the REAL TRUTH into your heart and mind, disconnecting from him for good and moving on with your life….you absolutely can love again! But for right now, that doesn’t matter…you just need to take 1 day at a time.
I’m glad you are going to a meeting just to get more connected to your need to drink. Maybe you are a high functioning drinker, but regardless…when you use alcohol to soothe yourself and deal with stress….there can be some level of an addiction to it for coping. Maybe you are not a full blown alcoholic, but it sounds like you have tendencies so getting help sooner than later is good idea!
You are waking up to a whole new truth De B. There is NOTHING easy about that….yet the rewards will outweigh the heartache and shock of all of it sometime soon. Just keep going. You will get to the other side…there is ALWAYS another side!!!
Thank you for checking in!!! Keep us updated! Let us know how the letters go for you!
Heidi
