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Hi Ingrid,
That’s strange that you are not getting notifications. I have no idea how to fix that, so maybe contact tech support. Maybe it is an issue with the website or the browser you are using.
I am so sorry to hear that it is something serious he is dealing with. Hopefully whatever it is, it will be manageable and is able to be healed. I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for him and for you to find this out as well.
I look forward to hear more details from you. Sending you lots of goodness!!!
Heidi
Hi Elisabeth!
Are you back yet? I am wondering how your retreat went and how you are feeling. Give us an update whenever you have some time. Sending you TONS of goodness!
Heidi
Hi De B,
I’m glad you got some confirmation from his ex that she is not crazy like he mentioned. You are hurt and dealing with the loss of a BIG dream. You dreamed you and Richard could be happy together and build a life together and now it is all crashing to the ground and no longer exists. What makes getting over him even more difficult is that you built that dream upon an idea that was not true. The idea being that he was someone who could build with you. The idea that he was on the same page as you. The idea that you could actually be happy with someone like him. So not only are you having to let go of the dream you have built up, you are waking up to who he REALLY is.
I know you are trying to make sense of all of this. Maybe try NOT to make sense of how you are feeling or even his behaviors. What about trying to just accept what is and deal with the emotions. The more you try to spend time in your head figuring everything out….putting everything into boxes that makes sense….the more you will can perpetuate a cycle of being stuck….like a hamster in a wheel. Why not get off that cycle? For example, you don’t understand why you keep dwelling on thoughts of him? Does it REALLY matter? You just do, so spend ALL of your energy healing that part of you vs. searching for more information. You don’t know why he keeps connecting with you when at the same time he is telling you how bad and wrong you are? Does it matter? Not really. He just does that, so spend ALL of your energy working on disconnecting because he is hurtful and very manipulative. I understand answering the “why” feels like it will help you make sense of everything, but sometimes, trying to answer that “why” can be distraction from taking ACTION and moving forward.
Again, I would encourage you to block him. How can you really move on when he keeps texting you and asking how you are? He is being caring and connective which easily pulls you back in. Every time he texts, you respond. That gives him his power. He knows that he can get his fix off of you anytime he wants. And you know that every time you will give him that because at this point, you are not strong enough to resist him. So why not block him. That way you just don’t play his game at all. You are getting a divorce. It’s over. So there is no longer a need to communicate. Everything you do right now needs to be about taking care of yourself, protecting yourself from him and healing. Every single time you respond to his text, you are engaging with him….even if you are asking him to leave you alone. When has he EVER done what you asked? He will not respect your boundary, so you have to respect your boundary. If you want him to leave you alone, STOP RESPONDING. He won’t get his fix off of you anymore, he can’t manipulate you if you don’t engage with him, so that is the best way to really help him move on and you move on. I know how hard that would be. You keep engaging because you still want to connect. I get it. I have done it before and it is destructive. At some point, you will develop more inner strength and self love to no longer deal with him.
As far as your future, don’t worry about that at this point. Of course you cannot imagine being in love with another man. You are dealing with so much hurt and pain….nobody would be able to create a new dream when they are dealing with a breakup. That’s very normal and honestly, the least of your concerns. You will get there eventually. You will heal. You will stop hurting and you will create a brand new life that is much healthier. It will take time. For now, just keep staying in the moment and taking care of your needs, getting the support you need, doing whatever you can to love yourself and keep healing. That is all you need to focus on and all that matters right now. The rest will fall into place when it is supposed to.
You have made some HUGE steps forward De B. If you can do that, you can keep going and finish the process. That hardest part is over. Remember when you weren’t even sure you could give him a divorce? Now…you did it. Now, you are on the path to healing. You can do keep going…1 step at a time…you will miss him, you will be angry, you will grieve the loss of your dream, you will be depressed, you will want to drink…..AND you will face all of that and heal. You can do this!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid!
How does this make you feel? I’m sure you have some BIG relief getting confirmation that he is dealing with an illness and it has nothing to do with you. I am so glad to hear he is not dying. Whew!
So he finally reached out. He must really miss you. I think it’s a good plan to create some space for him and not bombard him with texts.
I’m curious what YOU are thinking and feeling and how you would like to handle all of this. How do you see this moving forward? How do you feel about him now knowing he ghosted you because he is sick? What specifically do you need from him if he asks to be a part of your life again?
Heidi
Hi Ingrid,
Man…another loss? Of course that triggered you!!! And you got the promotion! Congrats!!! But I also see why it was anti climactic because he was not there and he was such a huge support! Such a big hole that was left when he disappeared. You are going to have a lot of sad moments as he was quite special in your life.
Here is 1 of many techniques that I always use when I am working through something difficult. I can’t remember if I mentioned it before. I call it “finishing the story.” What fuels the tears, the hurt and sadness is our thoughts. You can feel sad, but then you have thoughts that keep you feeling sad and can intensify the sadness. For example, you might be saying, “I so badly want to tell Rob about my promotion but I can’t. I miss him so much. What did I do wrong?” And then those thoughts just keep growing and perpetuating upon themselves. A way to stop those thoughts is by “finishing the story” and that means also putting truth into the thought process. So instead of just stopping at, “I miss Rob.” You would say, “I miss Rob AND I will be okay. I will love again.” Or… ”I feel like a fraud AND I am doing the very best that I know how. “ It’s just making sure you create the WHOLE story of thoughts vs. just stopping at the negative or heavier thoughts. It will help keep you grounded and connected to the truth.
I know you are trying to find the “reason” why he disappeared, so you are searching for every possible thing you did or said, or did not do or say that would cause him to disappear. We all do that when we don’t have answers. It’s time to let that go. It’s time to make peace in that you don’t know and you may never know. It’s important to give your spirit some closure. The more you keep trying to figure out the reason, the more energy you are NOT using for closure and healing. I’m going to say something that may be a bit harsh…not sure if this is okay to say, but I’m willing to risk it. I know you have this perception of him that he is intelligent, resilient and a strong man. I have no doubt that he is! In this particular situation, he is not that. He is hiding from you and his friends. He has disrespected all that you built together and he is only thinking about himself right now. He may disagree, but reality is…you guys were building something together and he just walked away without a word. He is letting fear control him instead of honoring and saying what his needs are to you in person. So the other part of finishing the story is making sure you include the darker stuff as well as the light. So instead of saying, “he is intelligent, strong and resilient.” You would say, “He is intelligent, strong and resilient AND he is not caring about me right now. He is not a strong right now.” It’s important for you to remember his limitations as well as his strengths….and many times they are one and the same. This will help you keep a clearer perspective about who he is vs. building a story of him of only his best qualities.
But let’s just say that he did disappear because you didn’t appreciate him enough. Is that really your fault? You were the best person you knew how to be with him right? If there is something missing for him, is it not his responsibility to communicate that to you and ask for his needs? You are not a mind reader. So IF he did disappear on you because you were not appreciative enough, is this the kind of guy you want to build your future with then? A guy who doesn’t know how to ask for what he needs? A guy who just disappears without giving you a chance to improve?? I imagine that kind of guy would not work very well for you. I am pretty positive this is not why he has ghosted, but my point is….whatever scenarios you start to come up with about why he disappeared, work them ALL THE WAY THROUGH vs. just leaving it as a question.
It still comes down to it doesn’t matter. The more you live in the past, the more you will stay stuck there and not be able to create closure. The closure you will find is in the present moment. And in the present moment, he is gone. In the present moment, you no longer have a relationship with him. That’s it. No more exploring the “why.” Settle in your spirit and deal with what you DO know and not what you don’t know. This is so hard from me to say to you because I know that pain that comes with creating closure. I’m so sorry this is how it has shown up for you. I know what this feels like AND I have no doubt that you have the strength to walk yourself through this in a healthy way.
As far as making emotions fluid and the “why”: It’s simple really, but far from easy! The reason is, it helps the emotions to not get stuck. When we have an emotional reaction to something, if we don’t deal with those emotions, they just get buried eventually and clutter our spirit, mind and body. People think that just because they don’t feel the hurt anymore, it’s gone. That is not true. It’s just buried and will resurface again in another situation. This is an analogy that I love. Hopefully it will give you a more clear picture of what I am talking about.
Imagine that we all come to earth as BIG BEAUTIFUL diamonds. We all have different shapes, sizes, colors etc. Then life happens. Hurt, abandonment, rejection etc. show up and because we are children, we don’t know how to make those hurt feelings fluid or how to transform those heavy emotions. So those emotions will get stored and stuck to our spirit. That becomes tar that is toppled on top of our diamond. Then more hurt happens, more tar etc. Then we become adults. The more tar we have on our diamond, the more reactive we are in life. The tar is what we feel when we get triggered. Being triggered means that past emotions, beliefs, traumas, disruptions (the tar) is being lit up by the current situation. That is why healing is important. That is why forgiveness is crucial. It gets rid of the tar. That is why working WITH the emotions and making them fluid, transforming them, healing them is so important….otherwise all those emotions turn into tar and add another layer to our big, beautiful diamond. That tar is what keeps you limited in life. That tar is full of fear and lies that we are believing in and the more tar someone has, the less connected they are to truth and the worse decisions they make in life. It’s the tar in Rob’s life that is causing him to ghost on everyone. Does this make sense???
I wrote A LOT today! Hopefully it is helpful and not overwhelming. I’ll stop here. I would love to hear back from you!
I’m glad we are helping you. It’s always wonderful to know that you feel safe, cared about and that it was worth it to join our forum. I appreciate you saying that!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid!
I get it. Healing and grief is a roller coaster ride. One day you are feeling strong and grounded and the next you feel like you are right back where you started. This is normal…and I know you know that…I am just reminding you. Be kind with yourself. You are far from a fraud. you are someone who is grieving a BIG loss and you don’t even know the reason for it, which makes the loss a gazillion times more difficult. As the challenging days show up, it’s crucial to be kind and loving and patient with yourself. When that voice shows up calling you a fraud, shut it off! Close it down by replacing it with the truth….the truth is you are hurting and it’s okay to hurt….that’s it…plain and simple truth.
It’s such a hug loss to not have that person there for you when you come home from a rough day. Having that comfort from someone you feel safe with is so wonderful. Of course you miss him. He sounded like a really awesome match for you. It’s such a bummer he is not willing to let anyone into his process right now. He is missing out on one of the biggest lessons he could be learning right now…asking for help and support would be so good for him. Maybe at some point he will figure that out.
You are doing a wonderful job. All the hurt, pain and anger only honor him. It just means that you care. One day at a time. A good day will show up again amongst the challenging days. Before you know it, the good days will show up more frequently.
Keep venting with us. Yell, get angry, be hurt, be depressed…do whatever you need to do to keep those emotions moving and fluid. We are here for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Karen,
It sounds like you both are on the path to healing and that is wonderful to hear. You are doing some wonderful things by still connecting with your children and finding joy with them and still connecting with him on some level. I know right now it feels near impossible to imagine being connected to him like before. It is possible if you can forgive, if you both grow and really look at what caused the infidelity…if he learns how to handle his impulses better and if the communication between you guys improves. It’s A LOT of work!!! But you guys are getting help and that is essential. It’s going to take some time. For right now you don’t need to make any decisions. Right now is the time for you to heal and for him to work on building trust and choosing to fight for himself and your relationship together.
I am wondering….if he is showing remorse and showing love/care/affection towards you, what makes you think you are not irresistible? What is missing that you feel he doesn’t see you that way?
Thank you for the update!!!
Hi De B
Write that letter. As Kanya said, HOLD NOTHING BACK!!! You may need to write several letters. It will help tremendously as it gets all your feelings, the positive and the negative out of your head. It will help lessen your need to tell him. Here is a general guideline I use when thinking about sharing my thoughts and feelings with someone or confronting someone. I always ask myself…Do I feel safe with them? Are they a safe person for me to share my deeper feelings with? If not, I keep it to myself and work through it alone. When someone isn’t safe with your feelings and you share with them your heart, you are putting yourself right back into an abusive situation and you get traumatized all over again. So good job in deciding to stay away. He is not safe and has never once demonstrated that.
As far as you bringing this out in him, that is IMPOSSIBLE!!! All you have is his word as to him having wonderful things to say about his past girlfriends and he was never abusive towards them. I DOUBT THAT WITH EVERY CELL IN MY BODY. Remember, he needs to paint the picture of himself that he is not at fault for anything and he needs to come across as looking good and blaming you. So why wouldn’t he tell you that he was fine until he met you? Why wouldn’t he paint the picture that he was a great guy until he met you? That way everything can be your fault. Here is the truth….all of this anger and abusiveness was in him BEFORE HE MET YOU!!! You cannot bring something out in someone that isn’t there. There are PLENTY of men out there that you could treat exactly the same way as you did your husband and they would not have reacted with abuse, blaming and shaming you for everything. So get his voice out of your head. You are giving him the authority of truth. You are letting his truth be your truth! HIS TRUTH IS SOOOO DISTORTED…as all narcissists are….those types of personalities always believe whatever story they want to make up about any situation. Many times, it is a completely off the wall account of how something happened….and that is what he is doing with you by blaming you. He has a problem…he is mentally sick needs to get some help…who knows if he will ever go down that path….it no longer matters. What matters is you getting the REAL TRUTH into your heart and mind, disconnecting from him for good and moving on with your life….you absolutely can love again! But for right now, that doesn’t matter…you just need to take 1 day at a time.
I’m glad you are going to a meeting just to get more connected to your need to drink. Maybe you are a high functioning drinker, but regardless…when you use alcohol to soothe yourself and deal with stress….there can be some level of an addiction to it for coping. Maybe you are not a full blown alcoholic, but it sounds like you have tendencies so getting help sooner than later is good idea!
You are waking up to a whole new truth De B. There is NOTHING easy about that….yet the rewards will outweigh the heartache and shock of all of it sometime soon. Just keep going. You will get to the other side…there is ALWAYS another side!!!
Thank you for checking in!!! Keep us updated! Let us know how the letters go for you!
Heidi
Hi De B!
How are you doing? What’s the latest update? Did you talk to an AA leader? Do you have plans to go to a meeting? Is your soon to be x-husband leaving you alone?
We would love to hear back from you. Still sending you good vibes as you begin down the path of transformation!
Heidi
Hi Karen,
How are you doing today? I just wanted to check in. You are dealing with something very intense. We would love to hear more from you and are here to help and support and listen.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid!
Wow! You are doing some wonderful thing for yourself! Being an empath is sooooo challenging when dealing with the more difficult side of things. I have a lot of respect for people who know that, honor that about themselves and take action to keep their balance. Being an empath is a gift and something that needs to be cared about and respected and you are doing all of that. Well done!
I do know the Sedona method. Good stuff! Not an easy method for a lot of people to really grasp. It takes a lot of practice and do-diligence for it’s full power to take effect. I’m so glad you have a technique to help you through this time! AND it sounds like you have reached a much more clear perspective and not taking it personal. GOOD WORK!!!
And thank you for your appreciation. I want to acknowledge you back for your gratitude. Hearing you say all that you did, makes my time on here feel more purposeful!!! It’s always heartwarming to know I am helping, even from a distance.
I will join you and all your friends in sending him vibes of restoration, renewal and replenishment. I will pray for his courage and your strength as well as you both go through this.
If you get any updates, we would love to hear back from you!!! Thank you for trusting us with your process!
Heidi
Hi Danijela!
I’m just wanting to check in and see how things are going for you. Have you been able to slow things down a bit? Any success with getting onto the same page as him?
We would love an update!
Heidi
Hi Ingrid,
Yes! Please vent here! This is a safe place for that. I don’t blame you. It’s just plain shocking and doesn’t make any sense. It seems with what you have told me, that maybe he really does have something serious happening and he doesn’t want to tangle you up in it….or even tangle himself up with you while he is dealing with whatever it is. I am going to guess that he doesn’t want to face you because he doesn’t want to face whatever it is. It’s just a feeling I get…I could be wrong.
What I want to encourage you to do most of all, is to work on letting go of the story that is causing the hurt. You feel like everything was a lie, but it wasn’t. It was true in that very moment…and that is all we have anyways…the moment. He is not making a good choice right now, but that does not change that you both had some very real exchanges and interactions.
Lastly, always remember that as much as you think you know someone, you don’t. That will forever be true. I worked with a couple not too long ago where the woman decided, after 25 years of marriage that she wanted to try an open relationship. The husband was dumbfounded, shocked and completely taken aback. You just NEVER know, so as much as trust can be built with someone else, in any moment, even after 60 years together, it can be broken. This is why I encourage people to put trust in themselves. When you trust yourself that you can make it through anything, you trust you are resilient, you trust that even in the face of betrayals and lies, you will be okay and get back up on your feet. When you trust yourself like that, no matter how people let you down, you are much more solid and can handle it better.
And let me encourage you that even though you wished you had not made that phone call, you were still very composed and did not abuse him, yell at him, blame him….you still had composure in the midst of your anger, so well done!!! He is really missing out on someone like you. That is very hard to find….AND in the middle of all your hurt, you still are sending him healing vibes. Wow!
Keep working through your emotions. Keep working on forgiving him. I do suggest to leave another voicemail: “I understand that you need to disconnect. I do not understand why or what happened. Maybe someday this will make sense, but for now, I just need to create some closure. I am going to move on. I’m so sad as this is not what I imagined happening. I do miss you but I just want you to know that I am wishing you the best and I hope that whatever you are dealing with will work out for you soon. Take care.”
It will help to create some closure for yourself. He is not responding. There is nothing you can do except to deal with your emotions and work towards forgiveness so you can free yourself up from all the hurt and disappointment.
Do you feel like you are able to head in that direction? Can you let go of the why? You may never know the why, but that cannot stop you from forgiving and moving forward. Find your peace.
My heart really goes out to you. I am so sorry. I wish this wasn’t happening to you. You had the ideal connection and you believed in that…who wouldn’t? Keep breathing and reaching out. Vent as much as you need to. Tranform all of that hurt into something empowering for your life!!!
Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi Karen,
I know you are extremely hurt…as anyone would be. I know you want to feel irresistible to him so he knows what he is losing. The biggest part of being irresistible to know that within yourself FIRST. If you know that you are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, then it wouldn’t matter whether or not he thinks so. That’s what self esteem is. It comes from a place deep within your being. It’s a knowing that you are valuable and worth fighting for, whether your husband thinks so or not. When you feel that way about yourself, it emanates in everything you do and becomes VERY attractive to the people around you. The other aspect of being irresistible is that the methods taught need to come from an authentic place for them to be really powerful. You don’t quite feel like you want to be with your husband right now, that feeling in and of itself will dilute any attempt at trying to be irresistible.
My best guidance that I can offer you is to see if you can get some help to work through this. There is a lot of hurt, anger, betrayal and heartache that needs to be worked on first and foremost within yourself. If you guys are ever to get back together again and stay together, it’s important that the old patterns and ways of functioning together are looked at and modified.
Have you or the both of you considered getting a 3rd person to help you through this? There are so many dynamics that are going on. Having an objective opinion is crucial!
Would love to hear more of your thoughts!
Hi Ingrid!
Whoa! There is no other way to say it..WTF??? It is completely confusing and so completely out of the blue considering his pattern. I am wondering how long you were dating. It sounds like this is a very new experience between you guys…not much history.
A few things pop into my mind. First, I am wondering if he is sick or something….on a more serious level….and he is pushing you away because he does not want you to have to deal with him. My second though is that he is very scared to let someone into his life for some reason. Maybe he has a secret, maybe he just is too scared to get hurt, maybe he started to believe it was too good to be true.
Here is the bottom line though…his decision has nothing to do with you. Whenever I have personally experienced someone doing a 180 or helping someone else through it, 100% of the time, there was something else going on….something personal. The disappearing act was a coping mechanism of some sort to deal with something. It’s a HORRIBLE choice for a coping mechanism as it leaves their partner completely dumfounded, hurt and without any kind of closure. And that’s the hardest part. You have done nothing wrong and let’s even say you have, where is his integrity in communicating with you and working through this WITH you? He did say that was important for him. It seems his true colors are coming out.
I would personally ask for some clarification. I would call him…DO NOT TEXT!!! Leave a voicemail if you have to….saying something to the effect of: “Hey….you have asked for space and I have honored that. Somehow, it is starting to feel more like you are disconnecting completely vs. planning on re-connecting. I am wondering what is going on. If you don’t want to share whatever is happening with me, I can respect that and will honor your choice. What is most important for me is make sure we are on the same page. Are your feelings for me shifting? If they are, I just request that you tell me so I can create closure. If that is not true, I just need a little encouragement that you are still interested but just need a little more time. Would you be willing to just communicate that much with me? I hope to hear from you soon.”
If he does not respond in after a few days, I would then text saying, “I haven’t heard from you in regards to my voicemail. I need to create some closure, so if I do not hear from you by the end of the week, I will assume that your answer is that you are not interested in moving forward with me anymore. That would make me so sad as I really enjoyed you…however I will of course respect your wishes and I will move on.”
How does this feel for you?
Heidi
