[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

I’m so glad you read that article. It’s interesting isn’t it? You say that you feel you could be the anxious attachment style. If you look at all of your relationships, would you say that is consistent for you?

I would say that learning percentages that exist of each style does not really matter. What matters is that you understand how to recognize what kind of style you are interacting with. That way, when you are out dating, you learn to recognize the patterns and symptoms of each style…even watch your own style and how it shows up. It’s important to pay attention to all the little details of each experience. You watch yourself and you watch him. Since you tend to connect very deeply, this is going to most important for you! What many women run into is that they FEEL SO AMAZING with a guy that they choose to ignore the caution flags that get raised. Something happens and they notice, but don’t really pay much attention to it because they feel so good with the guy. Little do they know what they are heading into because how they feel is more important than the signs they are seeing. BOTH aspect are SUPER IMPORTANT and DESERVE EQUAL ATTENTION! From what you have already said, there were already a lot of warning flags that you ignored….therefore you are surprised that he disconnected so easily….but had you paid attention to some very important clues, his behavior is not surprising at all. So that is where you can help yourself the most for future experiences.

Here is the process I typically tell people to go through when dating:
1. You notice something that causes the caution flag to go up
2. PAY ATTENTION TO IT!
3. Ask further questions about it, get curious about that behavior and start digging to gather more info. For example, I personally would have asked a lot more about his father and what how he feels about him. I would ask in more detail about past relationships and what happened. I would ask how he typically deals with hurt in his life. If you ask in a curious way as if you are just wanting to get to know him, then he will feel more safe to share his answers with you.
4. Then when you have more information, you can decide if the yellow flag has turned into a red flag (which in your case…those signs were red flags) or if what you noticed was insignificant and you can let it go.

Bottom line here is, when you decide who to love, it’s not only based on how you interact when things are good….but how you interact when things are not so good. Both ends of the spectrum have equal value and importance.

Does this help give you more ideas for future experiences?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Houda,

You are dealing with something soooooo difficult!! I am so sorry!

The core of who a man is and who a woman is, is very different. For a man, the core of his self esteem is wrapped around his ability to “produce.” If you take that away from a man, he falls apart! They have an extremely difficult time functioning in a relationship and life in general. For a woman, the core of our self esteem is wrapped around our ability to “connect.” That’s one of the main reasons why a woman is much more suited for being a stay at home parent. She gets to connect all day long and build relationship with kids, other parents, teachers etc. For a man, if he was the stay at home parent, he would end up going crazy unless he found a way to “produce” something. He might find himself starting projects around the house or creating a task completion list that really has nothing to do with the kids.

Needless to say, your husband is in that boat. Without a job and way to make money and produce something, he will have an incredibly hard time being present and connecting with you. I highly doubt he could even consider another woman because he is feeling so bad about himself. I know you are afraid of losing him. There is not much you can do if he is not willing to get help through this time in his life. The best you can do is be his friend. Keep connected with him so that he still feels your presence in his life. Even if it is small, it matters! He will get the message that you are there for him, even though he doesn’t feel like much of a man. That’s why friendship is the most important part of a romantic relationship. When things fall apart, the friendship can be relied upon. So what can you do to develop your friendship with him? What can you do to get him laughing with you? What can you do to help him feel supported?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hello Miss A!

Thank you for writing in! I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, BUT I am so glad you started to get some help. Healing is a process and takes a lot of time, so it’s wonderful that you have started this journey!!!!

I want you to be aware that it is an unrealistic expectation to think you won’t pick silly fights with him again. Reality is, we ALL do that at different times in our lives just because there are times when we are extra stressed, not getting our needs met etc. So even with more self esteem, you are going to pick silly fights. It’s just a very normal part of all relationships and will show up from time to time. It’s when it is more frequent, like you were explaining, that it becomes exhausting and not healthy.

No matter how amazing the chemistry was, it was a difficult relationship and I imagine he doesn’t really believe that all the drama would actually change within such a short amount of time. Trust was broken, safety was lost and he got tired. That takes some time to build back up. AND…it takes 2 to tango, so I am wondering what was going on with HIM that contributed to the mess. You can change all you want, but if he ALSO does not grow and change, then you might just end up with a lot of arguments again. Do you have any awareness of what his issues were that contributed to how you guys interacted with each other?

Have you thought about just focusing on creating a really good friendship with him? He needs to experience you many times to see that you have changed and that you 2 together are different. Can you maybe set up some coffee dates? I am suggesting friendship to start because that is where trust can be built. He is being smart by being cautious. So let him be cautious and build trust with you again. He is not going to jump back into being romantic with you right away AND he is not sure the connection is still there. So if you just focus on friendship, the pressure is off, you guys keep connecting and building memories and building a safe space for each other….THEN he may come around. The best foundation for any relationship is a good friendship anyways. I know it may be difficult, but you can do it! You feel he is worth fighting for, so sometimes that means taking it really slow and being patient while waiting for him to be on the same page as you….for right now, you need to be on HIS page for a bit. And while you are developing your friendship, you can throw in some flirting, compliments, hero type of stuff so he still feels that vibe coming from you and that you are interested, but you are not pressuring him.

Another thing you might want to try is to agree with him. For example, you could say, “You know…you were right to end things. We were messy together and I see my part in that…and am working on it. As much as I would love to be back together with you, I also know there is a possibility of things getting messy again and I don’t want that either. I think you being cautious is a good thing and I respect that about you. So let’s be cautious together and be friends. I would love to meet up for happy hour or coffee sometimes. You interested?”

Lastly, I know you have your heart set on this guy. Would you consider going out on dates with some other gents? There is a funny phenomenon that happens when someone you are connected with, starts to make themselves available to someone else….you become MORE interested. Why not go out on some dates? It can be a good distraction for you, it will also send the message to him that you are not waiting around for him so he better snag you up while he can AND it can give you practice of who you are with this new level of self esteem. You don’t quite know how that changes you until you start to have interactions with people. Go take yourself out on a test drive and see how you handle different stressors, different types of guys and what you react like and behave like. You will learn a lot about yourself!

Let us know your thoughts and how you feel about everything I said!

Heidi

Let us know what you think. Do you think that could work with him?

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

I completely get that curiosity kills the cat. That trait you have of wanting to understand and know the why is a WONDERFUL trait! It is getting in your way though. It is preventing you from moving forward in your life. Reality is, you may never know the real answer. It is possible to decide to let this go and NOT figure out the why. There is a point where that driving need to answer the “why” question will get in your way. It’s healthy to a point, but then it can start to hurt you vs. help you. Your cousin still not being over his x after 5 years is challenging. Do you really want to give that much power to Mike? You are stopping your energy from moving on because of him. I have had to do this several times! I have dated for over 20 years and had a lot of experiences where all of a sudden, something went south or just changed and I never got answers. Of course I spent some time trying to figure it out, but there was always a point where I just had to decide to be okay not knowing and move on. I resolved that I did the best I could and for whatever reason, it didn’t work out and I decided to just trust that. Again, your desire to understand is a wonderful thing that you will always have as a part of who you are AND that wonderful part of who you are can get in your way too. Our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses.

So again, I encourage you to take control of this side of yourself driving for the answer and give it some rest. Let yourself be okay not knowing.

I can answer all of your questions above, but reality is, it’s just an educated guess. HE is the only one who has the answers and even at that, who knows if he would even answer honestly or is even aware of himself.

Yes to all of your questions. Yes, his ability as a psychologist means he has an ability to tap into knowing how to meet a woman’s needs pretty easily. Whether he finds true love or not is his path. That is not for you to take on. We all have lessons to learn in this life. You have your own path of things to take care of….don’t take on someone else’s journey. You are not responsible for his happiness….just yours. Find peace in that.

What is important for you to do right now is to keep telling yourself it is over. Every time your thoughts and energy start thinking about him, tell yourself “It’s over. I send him lots of good vibes and light. Goodbye.” Keep telling yourself that over and over. The more you keep fueling the fire to let this connection you have towards him live, the longer you will be stopped from moving forward.

I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want answers. Believe me, I sure don’t blame you. But in situations like this, you may never get your answers, so what can you do to be okay and move forward anyways??

Keep talking with us!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jovana!

Congrats! This sounds like a wonderful experience so far and that both of you are on the same page. I love that you are taking it slow and your questions are very good ones! The fact that you are not letting the connection and sexual energy get in the way of getting to know each other is a very difficult thing, but do-able.

The first thing I suggest is to have a chat so that you both are on the same page. You both have had thoughts of crossing the line and that is something that can get very confusing if you don’t get on the same page. what if you guys came up with a code word or phrase that lets the other person know they are ready to cross the line. You could make it super simple by saying, “I like you and want to get to know you. I am attracted to you and do have sexual attraction towards you, BUT I want to get to know you for awhile first. I don’t have a timeline as to when I will be ready. When I say, “I’m ready to cross the line when you are.” You will know that you have the freedom to plan that moment and I will accept your offer.” It will be a really good test anyways, to see if he respects your wishes. I know in the past, I have tried that and the gentleman would get really wrapped up in the moment and try to change my mind….of which was a sign for me to pay attention to.

How do you feel about that approach? That way, he will know your boundaries and mindset.

The other thing you can do is continue what you are doing. Stay in public places and don’t be alone together where something could happen. That is one of the best ways to protect that line.

In the meantime, the best ways to build this relationship with him is to stay curious about who he is and build your friendship. When you think about the qualities of what a best friend means to you….build those into your relationship. When you bond through memories, challenges, different types of experiences, you are building trust and friendship every single time.

Look up Dr. John Gottman. He did the largest study (20years) to date asking the question, “What makes a relationship not only last, but also happy?” He has some incredible information out there about what a healthy relationship looks like…the qualities that are necessary, the most important things to build into a relationship and also what does not work. One of the best books I have read is, “The Man’s Guide to Women” It was written for men, but as a woman, reading about what I needed in the relationship put into the format he created, it was so amazing! From his research, he found that the guy is the main factor as to whether a relationship works or not. If the guy can show up and help make a relationship work, then it most likely will work. Interesting!

Hope this gives you some good direction! Please keep us updated!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

OMG! I am so sorry about your husband! That is such a challenging and awful thing to go through! I can see why this guy means so much to you! A part of you woke up again. You are feeling a side to yourself that you haven’t felt in so long or even thought was possible.
It’s hard when the feelings are not reciprocated. I can see why it’s leaving you depressed. You got to feel something soooo amazing after being shut down and now you don’t get to feed it. It’s a feeling that has nowhere to go now. It’s so hard. There is no way around it…it’s just something you have to go through.

I’m glad you are dating other people now. It will give you different experiences and different viewpoints and different feelings. It sound like you have captured the attention of someone already. I know it is not Mike, but I’m sure on some level, it feels good to be desired and wanted. Now you have someone new to practice with. Dating can be so confusing and very difficult. In the end, the reality is we all mess up a gazillion times along the way…the ones that make it through finding love, are the ones that are able to accept limitations and see beyond it. This guy was not willing to do that with you. Who knows if he is even capable of that.

Each day will get better. I know it doesn’t feel like that sometimes, but sometimes healing is so subtle that people don’t notice. All of a sudden you will go an entire morning without thinking about him, then half a day, then a full day, then a whole week. Keep working on pulling your attention away from him and focus on yourself and the person in front of you.

Keep checking in letting us know how you are doing!!!

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

His shallow texting could mean several things. It could mean he is avoiding going deep with you, it could mean he is just connecting to keep you interested, it could mean that the relationship is so new that he was not ready to dive into deeper feelings….The reality is, it was just 3 weeks. That is hardly any time to know what someone is really feeling.

Considering his role model (father) he probably does not have much respect for women. He most likely follows the same pattern and enjoys women, but never really goes very deep with them….that way he will never get hurt. He probably has the pattern of hooking women and connecting really well with them, but is able to easily disconnect. This is all theory of course. Just suspicions considering his behavior.

I again bring you back to yourself. You may think you are not appearing too needy, but a statement like, “you seem too busy to get together with me, which confuses me” is a needy statement. You are here on the forum trying to figure out what happened and what you did wrong. You used the word “love” with him. It’s appearing that you have a very strong dependent attachment style. Meaning….when you fall for a guy, it is fast, deep and he “completes” you….your self esteem is VERY wrapped up into what a guy thinks and feels about you. Male attention is very important to you. And there is nothing “wrong” with any of this. It is a BEAUTIFUL thing to feel deeper feelings. It is probably one of your greatest qualities and like it is for all of us, our greatest qualities are also our greatest weaknesses.

So this is where I want to invite you to stop analyzing him and start looking inside yourself. Yes he broke it off, but I am willing to bet you are being saved from A LOT of drama with him. He has moved on and that’s it. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to detach from him and attach to yourself.

Write out a list of 10 things that you can do to bring yourself comfort. Here are some small things I do for myself when I am hurting:
1. Buy lots of flowers and place them around the house
2. Go on hikes
3. Go visit a pet store and pet the dogs and cats
4. Watch uplifting, funny movies or movies where you watch a character survive a breakup and still end up being okay. (Under the Tuscan Sun)
5. Mani / pedi
6. Volunteer somewhere
7. Cook something super yummy or bake a bunch of cookies and then pass them out to people
8. Massage
9. Pull out my gratitude journal and write down everything I am thankful for. Get your mind focusing on what you DO have and not what you don’t have
10. Watch hilarious you tube videos of animals or people’s emabarassing moments
11. Watch videos of motivational speakers – brene brown, tony robbins, brendon burchard, Deepak chopra, oprah, Marianne Williamson
12. Look up TFT or EFT on youtube…these techniques are SUPER helpful! You may have to go through the tapping a handful of times, but it definitely can help lessen the hurt.

The idea here is, you need to develop a skillset of how to take care of yourself when you are hurting. You are trying to fix the hurt you feel through him and that will never work. But will work is you fixing your hurt through your self care. It is a VERY important skill to have. Even married couple need this skill. There are many moment in marriage when your partner just can’t be there for you or they are the ones who hurt you. When you know how to self care, it makes the situation sooooo much better!!! I know it is so much more work to do and less fun than focusing on the guy. Believe me, I get it! However, it is not a healthy way to resolve hurt. You need to forgive him, forgive yourself and set him free.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it hurts the heart. Your dreams that you created around him are no longer a possibility and that is the hardest part to let go of. You meet someone and think it’s heading in one direction then it isn’t. You can do this though! You can heal the hurt through your own self love and nourishment. It may take some time, but you will get there!

Let us know your thoughts!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi!!!! So glad you are back safe! Hopefully this trip brought you a new level of healing, insight and wisdom. I can’t wait to hear how it went and how it impacted you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Firoza,

Helping you with your car is perfect!!! I would wait. Give him a few days. If he does not respond, you can always follow up with saying, “Hi again. I really need help with my car and you are the best person I know of to help me. You would be able to save me A LOT of money if you would be willing. Please help?? I’ll make you lunch!!!”

No matter what you say, you want to give it a few days after you text for help. That way they don’t feel like you are being impatient. I have waited up to 2 weeks before and it still worked! So be patient. Sometimes, the more a guy feels the space to answer when he wants, he may feel more open to help you because he doesn’t feel the pressure…he feels the acceptance instead.

Does this help?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Alison!

I can totally understand your desire to stay connected with him. When there is a connection that strong, everything in you wants to fight for that….of course! He was in a 30 year marriage. I’m sure he is split. One part of him wants to be with you completely and another part of him wants to feel what it is like to be single again. So it sounds like he is feeding both parts of himself. The challenge here is…you are not friends with benefits. So his need to have a deep and wonderful connection with you counters his need and desire to explore.

I caution you. When someone is split like that, the reality is, no matter how amazing your connection is, you do not have ALL of him available to you. He may be present with you when you are together, but he is not present with you when you are not together. I want to encourage you to be VERY CAREFUL! He is not fully healed from his 30 year marriage. In order for that to happen, someone really needs to go into a life of being single. Otherwise they do not fully experience the loss of their marriage and the hole it leaves….when someone ends up filling that hole by being with someone else, it never resolves itself in a healthy way. Heading right into another deeper connection with someone (even if he didn’t expect it) means that there is going to be a lot of underlying issues he never dealt with that will eventually show up….one of which is already happening (not committing to you because he wants to explore other possibilities). The very hard truth is….he is not fully emotionally available for you. No one would is after a breakup.

I understand you want to navigate carefully and that is wise. I understand you want him to admit to his outside encounters honestly. You also say that you will not allow yourself to be undermined in that. The hard truth to probably hear is that it has already happened. I’m not saying you should walk away….my only point in saying that is for YOU to be really honest with yourself so you can make a very clear decision as to how to move forward.

So let’s talk about possible ways to present the opportunity for him to be honest with you.

1. You could bring up an example of your own situation. For example, in casual conversation, you maybe start telling him a story where you were reading an article or watched a tv show about why people cheat and then lie about it and that over 70% of relationships include infidelity. You can ask him, “Were you ever tempted to cheat on your wife? if yes, what made you tempted? What was missing in your relationship that made you interested in looking elsewhere? Have you ever been cheated on?” So the idea is to bring up the subject in a casual manner and maybe express some of your views and feelings about it. It can open the door to him admitting his current choices.

2. You could say, “You know what is crazy?? I heard a statistic on the radio today that at least 50% of people on Tinder are already in a serious relationship. When they talked to the people who were not single and on there, 30% said they were on Tinder just to see if they ‘still had it’ and that they never intended on cheating. They just wanted to see if they could get attention. Isn’t that fascinating? Is that a thought you have ever had during your marriage? Did you ever just want to know if you could still be desirable to other women?”

3. You could always just be very direct. “If you are not committing to me, does that mean you are dating or interested in other women?” If he says no, then you can ask, “What is stopping you from committing to me?”

Let us know more of your thoughts!!! It really helps!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Stephanie! I am so sorry to hear this!!! It’s heartbreaking to put sooooo much effort into your marriage only to watch your husband give up so easily and not even try. It hurts!

There could be a few reasons as to why he is quitting.
1. Are you aware of any PTSD from being in the military?
2. He may have been role modeled to quit in his life. For example, if he had a father who was really hard on him and always wanted more and more from him to where he felt that he was never enough, he could have a thought pattern of, “I’m never enough, so why even try. It’s pointless.” And he may not even be aware of how his childhood is affecting him right now.
3. He may just not be that kind of person who fights for more in his life. There are some people who will fight for themselves. Like you, they read books, consult experts, go to workshops…they learn and work on themselves. Some people just don’t have that gene. They live life and play more the victim. When he says, “He doesn’t know how long it will take for YOU to change” that is victim mentality. He will blame you for “making” him shut down. Victims give their power away to everyone else and with that is a lot of blaming and pointing the finger. If they held onto their own power that means they would have to take responsibility for how they are feeling and they are not interested in that….it’s too much work. If this is who he is, then nothing you do will ever change that about him. He just was born that way and most likely will not evolve beyond that mindset. If you guys got back together, you will most likely end up right back here, because someone who is interested in growing HAS TO communicate their needs, HAS TO take responsibility for their feelings, HAS TO face their fears….none of which he is demonstrating interest in doing. I know you don’t understand this kind of mentality, because it is not who you are. …but it is who he is and the best gift you can give him is your full acceptance of who he is and your full acceptance of who you are….and in that acceptance, you both approach life from very different angles that do not match in marriage.

And you know what? We can only do the best we know how with the information we have on hand. It’s good that you are learning and realizing where you could have been a better and more supportive wife. We all should be doing that in our relationships as it teaches us how to be better partners. I wonder if he is doing the same thing??? I hope you are being kind with yourself and not blaming yourself and your limitations for your unhappy husband. HE IS RESPONSIBLE for his own happiness, not you. You are there to support him in his happiness, not be responsible for it. He needs to learn how to voice his feelings and needs otherwise they will never get met….which maybe deep down he doesn’t want them met…maybe deep down he doesn’t truly believe nor trust in “happy ever after.” It doesn’t really matter as he is letting you know the kind of person he is when things get hard. Your choice is now decide, with this new information about him, is he the kind of man you want to go through your life with? Is he someone you trust and feel safe with? Is he someone that you feel you could go through difficult times with and feel like you have a good teammate?

We would love to hear back from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi De B!

Checking in on you and thinking about you. How are you doing???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Firoza!

I am so sorry!!! This must be really shocking to you to see that side of him.

Does he have anything that he is really good at? Usually when you ask for help, it’s something they would feel confident giving you advice about.

You could always say something like, “I need your help because I miss you. I miss our talks, I miss your smile, I miss how I get to feel around you. You made me feel so happy and I want that back. Help me figure this out. We are good together.”

You are appreciating him, giving him a compliment, activating his hero instinct by saying you were happy with him…does something like that feel comfortable for you to say?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Alison!

Wow! I can see why you are completely confused!!! He is saying one thing and doing another. It is heartbreaking when you realize you are on a different wavelength than your partner.

Here is what I want you to think about. What do YOU want? He is making decisions (behind your back) to still have interactions with women….even if he is just chatting, it could be sexual chatting, it could be a way he plays games to get attention kind of chatting….who knows. If he was with another woman behind your back, he most likely will do it again. He doesn’t sound like the kind of guy who is really going face what is going inside of himself. He would rather choose to take shortcuts to feeling better….by exchanging energy with several women instead of look inside himself and deal with the real issues going on. Is this what you want to get involved with?

I first just want you to get VERY CLEAR about what you want from him and what you want out of a relationship. He has broken your trust. There could be several different reasons why he is behaving the way he is. Maybe he is a sex addict. Maybe he has a lot of low self esteem, so he gets to feel better about himself the more attention he gets. He sounds like he may be a chronic relationship kind of guy….that person that is perpetually in a relationship and never is single. Maybe he is setting himself up to always have someone in the background just in case you and him don’t work out. He could be a gigolo kind of guy….doing a balancing act between different women. Who knows! The details don’t matter as much as the fact that he is doing it. If you do get serious with this guy, the odds of him cheating or flirting with other girls are pretty high (especially if things ever get tough between you guys). Is this what you want?

It sounds like you have an incredible connection with him and that is wonderful! The problem is, a healthy relationship ALL AROUND also means that there is honesty, authenticity, respect and integrity. He is not displaying those qualities with you. He is not entirely committed to you, no matter how many friends / family members / traveling you do. He gets to have this wonderful, deep connection with you and then he still is active online? That’s a guy who is not committed, no matter what he says. He is not being honest and his words do not have integrity.

So again, what do you want? You may not be ready to lose him right now, so that means it is probably best if you don’t say anything, change your expectations of the relationship and you start dating other people as well…if you do want to go deeper with him and fight for him, then a conversation is in need. An honest, upfront conversation about where your mindset is and where his mindset is and talking about his mixed signals of talking future with you all the while connecting with other women.

Once you get very clear about what you are willing to do, share with us!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kerryn,

Well done!!! You are doing exactly what it means to not sit on the sidelines. You learn and you participate in the relationship vs. sitting on the sidelines watching. You express your needs. You set boundaries, you communicate.

Communication is an art form. I have practiced and learned soooo many different ways to communicate. It’s so funny because I could say the same exact thing in 2 different ways and get 2 different responses. So even you learning how to communicate in a way that causes him to open up and bond with you vs. shut you down….that’s wonderful!!!! One of my favorite techniques is being curious. If you have questions or requests, a lot of times, if you start the sentence with, “I’m really curious. I noticed you responded this way and I found it interesting. Teach me what that mean for you.” “I really would like to make a request and I am really curious how you feel about it. I would like___________what are your thoughts about that?”

I am delighted to hear that there is movement. Good job!!! Keep heading down that path and keep finding ways to help him stay open and connected with you!

And being an empath is a WONDERFUL gift. It is nothing you are meant to change about yourself. It is what you came to this earth with. Consider it a gift that needs to be protected. Our greatest strengths are always our greatest weaknesses and that will always be true. So that means being very aware of how it serves you and how it hurts you and then how to protect yourself from getting into situations that really hurt you.

Please keep us updated! This made me so happy!

Heidi

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