[Heidi G]

Hi Elle!

Wow! You are in quite the pickle! You have a situation going that is very difficult and sensitive.
You have 2 people that are not the best about opening up and being vulnerable AND you both could lose your jobs.
The challenge you are running into is that you guys can’t have a relationship, yet you are building one with him anyways. I think you’re needs are increasing the more time you spend with him. You don’t want “titles” but you want boundaries. They are the same thing. A boundary of no sex with other people means you are exclusive….whether you want to call it something or not, doesn’t matter. The behavior matches that of a “couple.” The thing is….you guys don’t have the freedom to fully express your feelings with each other without major consequences. Yet your heart keeps growing for him.
You keep holding onto the “he’s just not that into you.” From what you are saying, I would venture to guess that he just agreed with that statement because it’s an easy way to keep the wall up and push you away.
You both are dealing with split emotions. One side wants to be free to feel everything, the other side is scared of getting hurt AND losing your jobs. Whenever someone is split like that, it means that sometimes the love is in the driver seat and sometimes the fear is in the driver’s seat. It just depends on the moment. He may even be trying to protect you by pushing you away.
You are playing this huge guessing game as to how he feels and you are constantly wondering how he really feels about you. NIETHER OF YOU has the freedom to know the real feelings! So wanting him to connect and go deep with you means HE HAS TO FACE MAJOR CONSEQUENCES.
You guys might really need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this. Either you go all in and commit to moving forward. If you get caught, you get caught. You both will have to be okay with that. Maybe one of you could get a different job? OR…you both agree that losing a job is not worth the relationship.
You both are sitting on the fence. You are trying to honor BOTH sides of being romantic with each other and grow as a family AND being fearful of losing a job and being hurt. As long as you keep honoring both sides, there will always be confusion. It’s a matter of jumping off the fence…one way or the other. That way you will get more information and have more closure.
You are getting tired of sitting on the fence with him….of course! A person can only stay there for so long before their spirit starts needing to jump off….one way or the other….it’s normal to need a direction.
So this is really about you getting clear what you want….then it’s a matter of discussing it with him. The other thing you need to be aware of is you are choosing a guy who is not willing to really open up very much. If you are having “pull” from him how he feels, know that you will probably have to do that all the time…as that is who he is choosing to be. You say that you don’t mind traumas, you just want someone to work on them….does he actually do the work? Has he read books? Has he ever had a coach or someone who can help him with his fear? What does he actually DO to work on this part of himself?

You guys cannot be FWB anymore. Your feelings are waaaay past that type of relationship. It has grown into something deeper, so asking him to not see someone else means that you are asking him to commit to you fully and be your guy. Being that you are his boss at the moment….that’s a HUGE request. He may not be willing to go down that road with you. You may need to let that idea go. Whatever happens in 10 months is whatever happens. It’s too far to know how either of you will feel. So much can happen between now and then.

Maybe spend some quiet time figuring out what you really want. Ask him to do the same and then meet for dinner somewhere and talk about it. You both need to get onto the same page and then your spirit will settle.

Let us know your thoughts!!! I want to hear more.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Daniela!

Oh man….I’m sorry to hear this! It is soooo hard when we have such a strong connection with someone and they do not want to join us exploring where it goes.

The first thing I want to encourage you with, is to consider that although you have a strong connection with him, it does not mean you can’t have that with someone else. I am not saying this to encourage you to move on. I am saying this to help you understand that a really strong connection does not mean that person is “the one.” The most intense love I have ever felt and the best relationship I have ever had…didn’t work out. It was so simple in that the timing was just not right. It was the hardest thing in my life to say goodbye to him. Will I ever feel that way again? ABSOLUTELY! I will not settle for anything less! Love and connection are not enough to make a relationship work. It is a powerful fuel to keep things going, but then on top of that, you need 2 people who are willing to take the journey together and face the challenges that show up…TOGETHER.

Why did you guys break up in the first place? What do you feel he is afraid of?

I think it’s a great thing that he reached out to you. It means there is still a connection he feels with you. How do you feel about giving him a few months of being the BEST FRIEND you can be with him? A strong friendship needs to be at the foundation of any romance for it to be really healthy anyways….so why not work on that aspect of how you guys interact together? And while you are having this friendship, you flirt with him, you give him compliments….you make him feel the best parts of who he is when he is around you. Have you read “Irresistible Communication?”

For right now, he is saying that he feels overwhelmed. Let him feel overwhelmed and just support him through that. Is there anything you can do to help lighten his load? Can you help him study at all? Are there any activities that he does that you could join him on? Can you pack him a few lunches or dinners or snacks? This might be a good place to start.

What do you think?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ureitha!

Belief and faith through religion is so powerful isn’t it? There is something you need to understand about someone like this. Someone that disciplined will most likely not budge as it is faith and it defines who he is. Do you feel you guys could head towards marriage? Maybe if he feels you are heading in that direction, you might find more patience. My guess is, you are going to have to find a way to accept this about him.

The other issue you will probably run into is that even if you did get married, he might not work (which something tells me that he knows that, therefore it is easier for him to keep the “no sex” rule). Do you know how long it has been since he had sex? When someone shuts off that part of their life, their sex drive also shuts down and everything else along with it. Does he ever get hard while kissing you? Do you ever feel him desiring you so much that he has to walk away to stay in control? Sexuality is like a muscle. If you stop using it, the system stops functioning. A person’s psyche cannot go from years of saying “no” to all of a sudden, overnight, saying “yes” and have everything work right. Even in his mind, it will take some time to shift into the “yes” mode. And I imagine he would be very embarrassed about this as he would not want to disappoint you. I imagine he does not masturbate either. If he doesn’t, that would be a good way for him to wake that part of himself up so that when you do have sex, it will be more comfortable for him. The same goes for you as well.

Another thing you may want to research somehow, is how do women take care of themselves that are married to paraplegic. I know it’s a weird way to think about it, but they obviously can’t have sex and that will never change, so the women accept a life without intercourse. But they have other ways to have sexual intimacy with their husbands. I imagine they may get really creative. I wonder if your guy would be willing to have more sexual intimacy, without intercourse. Do you know what his boundaries are exactly??

Let us know how you are processing all of this!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh wow! This is interesting! Usually people have the opposite problem. My first instinct is that there is something going on with him sexually….like erectile dysfunction or he has very little to no sex drive or he has a disease or STD that could affect you if you have sex. Or do you know that it is purely coming from his religious beliefs? There is definitely something off about this and my guess is he does not want you to find out.

Do you feel comfortable being very direct with him? How is your communication style with him? Do you guys communicate openly and honestly or do you have to be a bit more careful how you say things?

Bottom line is, you need to communicate in one way or another that this is a need of yours and is now a deal breaker. If he is not willing, then you would need to consider what this means for you as you are not willing to live without sexual intimacy for the rest of your life.

I personally am very direct as a person, so I would say it like this: “John. I love you and you are an amazing man. I want to live with you and grow with you. There is one things stopping me from moving forward though and it’s something I am really, really hoping we can get onto the same page with. I want to have sex. I want that aspect of our relationship to start to be included in our growth together. You have not been willing and it leads me to think there is something you are not telling me. What is the truth about why you are not willing to head in that direction?” Have the conversation and see what he says. Then you can decide how to take it from there as to whether you want to continue to wait or whether it’s time to part ways because he is not willing to budge on the issue….or maybe he will.

The most important thing for you is….what are you willing to do? If he does say that he still wants to wait, then are you okay with that if you understand his reasoning? Is this need of yours THAT important that you are willing to disconnect because he is not open to adding that aspect into the relationship?

This is not a question of love here. Sex is a way to express that love in a very intimate way. He needs to know where you are at. He needs to know that you have this need and you are at the point that it is becoming a deal breaker if SOMETHING doesn’t change. Maybe that something that changes doesn’t have to be sex, but maybe something else that is sexual.

Let me know your thoughts! Hopefully this gives you some ideas as to how to approach this. If none of these ideas work for you, let us know and maybe provide a bit more detail to help us guide you better. Thank you for writing in!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

I’m going to challenge your male friend’s thinking that kissing happens on the first date if you are serious. I dated for 20 years, researched and read everything under the sun I could find about dating and love, because I found the entire process so interesting! Ultimately, what I found to be true about every single method, rule, “way to date”, theory….is that whatever they say you “should” or “should not do” is true AND not true. The reality is, each person and each situation is different and unique to the people involved. For example, one rule out there is to NEVER talk about your x’s on a first date (or even at the beginning when getting to know someone). I would completely agree that it’s a good idea to keep past relationships out of the present while getting to know someone….AND….sometimes that topic has come up (in many of my personal experiences) and it was totally okay…no harm done! So DO NOT make a rule apply to every single situation. What is most important is that you decide how you want things to go so you are comfortable with the process. If someone does not respond well to what you need, then that is information you need to know about them. Trust yourself. If you let a rule dictate how you are “supposed” to act on a date, then you lose yourself and what feels okay for you.

You asked if his need to spend time with his cousins was a sign of “avoidant” attachment style. I would say in that particular situation….it’s normal for him to want to spend time with his family who is visiting vs. a new girl. They are more important to him than you…as it should be. If I were him, (especially being a psychologist) if I sensed that you were upset because I wanted to spend time with visiting family, I would see that as a sign that you had very high needs for attention….which would match the type of attachment style you are. It doesn’t make you or him right or wrong…..it just means you interact differently. It’s soooo important to find someone like-minded with how you view relationship. I think he probably was willing to see that and you were not.

I want to encourage you again….let this go. I would be sooooo sad if you spent months waiting for the “right” time to reconnect with Mike, trying to be friends with him, and waiting for some type of answer from him so you can feel resolved. That is A LOT of valuable time and energy spent on a guy that is gone. This is a choice Ya C. You keep choosing to let this control you, torture you and make you miserable. It does not have to be this way. You CAN create a different experience where you find freedom from this obsession and you heal from the hurt. Do you really want to keep carrying around this hurt? What if Mike dies? What if he has a girlfriend when you decide to contact him again? Even though you want to be “friends” your intentions are not pure with him. What if he doesn’t give you the answer you think you need to find resolution??? My point is, you are putting ALL of your power into the hands of a guy you knew for 3 weeks. You are talking about holding onto this situation and not creating closure for yourself…for months!!! Take back your power and start to look inward about what is REALLY going on for you so you can be free of this.

Of course, at the end of the day, it sounds like you are not ready to let go of the pain. I have been there before. There are consequences to that choice. Maybe you need to go through more pain before you are tired of hurting and finally decide to go a different path with this. There is NOTHING we can say here to ease your pain. We can answer all the questions you want, but haven’t you noticed that even though we are answering your questions, you do not feel any better??? You are still hurting a lot. That is because your pain is not about finding an answer and feeding your mind. Your HEART needs healing. Your heart hurts and all the answers in the world will not change that.

Here is a short video about a book that could be really helpful for you!

Let me know what you think!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

I actually am not surprised you are having such a hard time. Whenever we have REALLY BIG reactions to a situation, that is usually an indicator of the current situation hurting but also triggering a past situation as well….so the current situation ends up feeling VERY INTENSE because it’s past AND present mixed together. You lost your husband a few years ago. You lost Mike. Even though they are different circumstances, it is still loss and your heart is breaking. I am so sorry! I wish so badly that there was a magical way to get through situations like this. Whenever something is this painful, I recommend getting some help with a grief group, a counselor, a coach….someday that has a specialty in dealing with loss. Did you ever get help for yourself when you lost your husband? If you didn’t, all those emotions are going to flood you right now and being that Mike just happens to be the current person that opened up your heart again and then he decided to call it quits….he is the target of ALL the emotions you feel….so that is probably why it feels so intense to lose him.

Do you have anyone who can help you through this on a personal level?

I’m sending you a HUGE hug! You will get through this. Your heart can heal. You are worth loving and fighting for! Mike’s opinion does not define your value. YOU define your value. I’m very confident that if he chose to stick with you, you would have had a very difficult road ahead of you full of a lot of drama and rejection.

I want to hear why you hate yourself. Tell me more about that.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Houda!

I’m so glad you are exercising! Whether you realize it or not, I guarantee it is helping you emotionally as well. If you were not exercising, depression would most likely be much more intense! So keep connected to yourself and taking care of yourself!

Here are a few things you can do to help deal with those intense emotions:
1. Look up EFT or TFT on youtube – those techniques work amazing at lowering the intensity of any emotion! I have used these techniques for over a decade and will always have these as part of my toolbox for healing.

2. Watch movies where the character is going through something very challenging and they end up okay. (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun)

3. Finish the story: What keeps the emotion intense is the story of what we keep looping around in our heads….and usually the story that keeps looping is only half of the story instead of the full story (which is actually the most important part). For example, the story you may be looping could be “If I don’t get his attention again, he will leave me.” Then that story goes into all kinds of other stories and just fuels the intensity of the hurt and fear. The full story would be “If I don’t get his attention again, he will leave me…AND I will be okay. I will choose to forgive, heal the hurt and build a new life.” I know that is not what you want to have to do, but you also need to stay connected to yourself and that IF this does not end up working out, you will be okay. When you keep believing that you will not be okay, the emotion becomes so much more intense.

When your emotion gets really intense, you end up in the lower part of your brain that does not and is not designed for problem solving. The higher your emotion, THEN you are in the higher part of your brain that DOES have the ability to problem solve. Keep feeding your self esteem. Keep nourishing yourself. This is a VERY tough time and if all you focus on is him and how to get him back, all the while disconnect from yourself, you are not in a winning situation. Remember this: YOU ARE WORTH LOVING AND FIGHTING FOR! Your husband at the moment is not able to see that because he is drowning so to speak. DO NOT LET HIS CHOICES TAKE AWAY YOUR THE VALUE YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF!

4. Have you thought about getting a therapist or life coach for yourself? It would be wonderful for you to get some personal help through this very difficult time

5. Do you have any hobbies that you love? When you activate creativity and passion, it is VERY healing! No, it doesn’t take away the hurt completely, but it puts money into the soul bank. It will help make this difficult time more manageable because you are feeding your soul.

6. Volunteer somewhere. Sometimes when we get into a space of giving, our own gratitude for our lives increases, it feeds our soul when we can help someone or something and it helps us feel more purpose in our lives.

7. Start writing or talking. You have a lot of emotions going on right now. It is extremely helpful to get those thoughts and feelings out of your head and onto a computer or journal or talking into a digital recorder. You will be surprised what ends up coming out!!!

I know you want answers as to how to fix this situation. I want to also help guide you through how to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. Your situation is going to take a lot of time. You have a husband who has decided to go this alone without any help and that is a decision you have to respect and honor. So in honoring his choice, you of course, are dealing with abandonment, rejection, anger, hurt, confusion etc. So that makes YOUR journey very important right now as well. Make sure you pay attention to yourself and your emotional health as well as you go through this!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C!

You would think being a psychologist means that he knows how to heal himself, but just because you know something, does not mean you actually use that knowledge. If everybody lived according to what they knew, we would not need rules, laws and boundaries. People know it is wrong to kill, abuse etc., yet many people ignore what they know and do those kinds of things anyways, despite the consequences. Knowledge is just knowledge. Using that knowledge is when it can transform into wisdom. A wise person means they have taken that knowledge and practiced it, used it, challenged it….so that the knowledge actually becomes a part of who they are because they got to know themselves and how their life works with using that knowledge. Does this make sense at all?

And many times, I have found that psychologists don’t have accountability for themselves. It’s one thing to be able to see another person’s limitations, but a whole different thing being able to see your own…which is why we ALL need accountability. I have also found that psychologists or even people who know a lot about human behavior can have tendencies to be attracted to a person who knows less than them. That way, they get to keep the upper hand so to speak.

Keep working through this with us.

So I’m curious about your attachment style. Tell me about it and what patterns have you seen in your own life?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

I’m so glad you read that article. It’s interesting isn’t it? You say that you feel you could be the anxious attachment style. If you look at all of your relationships, would you say that is consistent for you?

I would say that learning percentages that exist of each style does not really matter. What matters is that you understand how to recognize what kind of style you are interacting with. That way, when you are out dating, you learn to recognize the patterns and symptoms of each style…even watch your own style and how it shows up. It’s important to pay attention to all the little details of each experience. You watch yourself and you watch him. Since you tend to connect very deeply, this is going to most important for you! What many women run into is that they FEEL SO AMAZING with a guy that they choose to ignore the caution flags that get raised. Something happens and they notice, but don’t really pay much attention to it because they feel so good with the guy. Little do they know what they are heading into because how they feel is more important than the signs they are seeing. BOTH aspect are SUPER IMPORTANT and DESERVE EQUAL ATTENTION! From what you have already said, there were already a lot of warning flags that you ignored….therefore you are surprised that he disconnected so easily….but had you paid attention to some very important clues, his behavior is not surprising at all. So that is where you can help yourself the most for future experiences.

Here is the process I typically tell people to go through when dating:
1. You notice something that causes the caution flag to go up
2. PAY ATTENTION TO IT!
3. Ask further questions about it, get curious about that behavior and start digging to gather more info. For example, I personally would have asked a lot more about his father and what how he feels about him. I would ask in more detail about past relationships and what happened. I would ask how he typically deals with hurt in his life. If you ask in a curious way as if you are just wanting to get to know him, then he will feel more safe to share his answers with you.
4. Then when you have more information, you can decide if the yellow flag has turned into a red flag (which in your case…those signs were red flags) or if what you noticed was insignificant and you can let it go.

Bottom line here is, when you decide who to love, it’s not only based on how you interact when things are good….but how you interact when things are not so good. Both ends of the spectrum have equal value and importance.

Does this help give you more ideas for future experiences?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Houda,

You are dealing with something soooooo difficult!! I am so sorry!

The core of who a man is and who a woman is, is very different. For a man, the core of his self esteem is wrapped around his ability to “produce.” If you take that away from a man, he falls apart! They have an extremely difficult time functioning in a relationship and life in general. For a woman, the core of our self esteem is wrapped around our ability to “connect.” That’s one of the main reasons why a woman is much more suited for being a stay at home parent. She gets to connect all day long and build relationship with kids, other parents, teachers etc. For a man, if he was the stay at home parent, he would end up going crazy unless he found a way to “produce” something. He might find himself starting projects around the house or creating a task completion list that really has nothing to do with the kids.

Needless to say, your husband is in that boat. Without a job and way to make money and produce something, he will have an incredibly hard time being present and connecting with you. I highly doubt he could even consider another woman because he is feeling so bad about himself. I know you are afraid of losing him. There is not much you can do if he is not willing to get help through this time in his life. The best you can do is be his friend. Keep connected with him so that he still feels your presence in his life. Even if it is small, it matters! He will get the message that you are there for him, even though he doesn’t feel like much of a man. That’s why friendship is the most important part of a romantic relationship. When things fall apart, the friendship can be relied upon. So what can you do to develop your friendship with him? What can you do to get him laughing with you? What can you do to help him feel supported?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hello Miss A!

Thank you for writing in! I’m sorry you are having to deal with this, BUT I am so glad you started to get some help. Healing is a process and takes a lot of time, so it’s wonderful that you have started this journey!!!!

I want you to be aware that it is an unrealistic expectation to think you won’t pick silly fights with him again. Reality is, we ALL do that at different times in our lives just because there are times when we are extra stressed, not getting our needs met etc. So even with more self esteem, you are going to pick silly fights. It’s just a very normal part of all relationships and will show up from time to time. It’s when it is more frequent, like you were explaining, that it becomes exhausting and not healthy.

No matter how amazing the chemistry was, it was a difficult relationship and I imagine he doesn’t really believe that all the drama would actually change within such a short amount of time. Trust was broken, safety was lost and he got tired. That takes some time to build back up. AND…it takes 2 to tango, so I am wondering what was going on with HIM that contributed to the mess. You can change all you want, but if he ALSO does not grow and change, then you might just end up with a lot of arguments again. Do you have any awareness of what his issues were that contributed to how you guys interacted with each other?

Have you thought about just focusing on creating a really good friendship with him? He needs to experience you many times to see that you have changed and that you 2 together are different. Can you maybe set up some coffee dates? I am suggesting friendship to start because that is where trust can be built. He is being smart by being cautious. So let him be cautious and build trust with you again. He is not going to jump back into being romantic with you right away AND he is not sure the connection is still there. So if you just focus on friendship, the pressure is off, you guys keep connecting and building memories and building a safe space for each other….THEN he may come around. The best foundation for any relationship is a good friendship anyways. I know it may be difficult, but you can do it! You feel he is worth fighting for, so sometimes that means taking it really slow and being patient while waiting for him to be on the same page as you….for right now, you need to be on HIS page for a bit. And while you are developing your friendship, you can throw in some flirting, compliments, hero type of stuff so he still feels that vibe coming from you and that you are interested, but you are not pressuring him.

Another thing you might want to try is to agree with him. For example, you could say, “You know…you were right to end things. We were messy together and I see my part in that…and am working on it. As much as I would love to be back together with you, I also know there is a possibility of things getting messy again and I don’t want that either. I think you being cautious is a good thing and I respect that about you. So let’s be cautious together and be friends. I would love to meet up for happy hour or coffee sometimes. You interested?”

Lastly, I know you have your heart set on this guy. Would you consider going out on dates with some other gents? There is a funny phenomenon that happens when someone you are connected with, starts to make themselves available to someone else….you become MORE interested. Why not go out on some dates? It can be a good distraction for you, it will also send the message to him that you are not waiting around for him so he better snag you up while he can AND it can give you practice of who you are with this new level of self esteem. You don’t quite know how that changes you until you start to have interactions with people. Go take yourself out on a test drive and see how you handle different stressors, different types of guys and what you react like and behave like. You will learn a lot about yourself!

Let us know your thoughts and how you feel about everything I said!

Heidi

Let us know what you think. Do you think that could work with him?

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

I completely get that curiosity kills the cat. That trait you have of wanting to understand and know the why is a WONDERFUL trait! It is getting in your way though. It is preventing you from moving forward in your life. Reality is, you may never know the real answer. It is possible to decide to let this go and NOT figure out the why. There is a point where that driving need to answer the “why” question will get in your way. It’s healthy to a point, but then it can start to hurt you vs. help you. Your cousin still not being over his x after 5 years is challenging. Do you really want to give that much power to Mike? You are stopping your energy from moving on because of him. I have had to do this several times! I have dated for over 20 years and had a lot of experiences where all of a sudden, something went south or just changed and I never got answers. Of course I spent some time trying to figure it out, but there was always a point where I just had to decide to be okay not knowing and move on. I resolved that I did the best I could and for whatever reason, it didn’t work out and I decided to just trust that. Again, your desire to understand is a wonderful thing that you will always have as a part of who you are AND that wonderful part of who you are can get in your way too. Our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses.

So again, I encourage you to take control of this side of yourself driving for the answer and give it some rest. Let yourself be okay not knowing.

I can answer all of your questions above, but reality is, it’s just an educated guess. HE is the only one who has the answers and even at that, who knows if he would even answer honestly or is even aware of himself.

Yes to all of your questions. Yes, his ability as a psychologist means he has an ability to tap into knowing how to meet a woman’s needs pretty easily. Whether he finds true love or not is his path. That is not for you to take on. We all have lessons to learn in this life. You have your own path of things to take care of….don’t take on someone else’s journey. You are not responsible for his happiness….just yours. Find peace in that.

What is important for you to do right now is to keep telling yourself it is over. Every time your thoughts and energy start thinking about him, tell yourself “It’s over. I send him lots of good vibes and light. Goodbye.” Keep telling yourself that over and over. The more you keep fueling the fire to let this connection you have towards him live, the longer you will be stopped from moving forward.

I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want answers. Believe me, I sure don’t blame you. But in situations like this, you may never get your answers, so what can you do to be okay and move forward anyways??

Keep talking with us!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jovana!

Congrats! This sounds like a wonderful experience so far and that both of you are on the same page. I love that you are taking it slow and your questions are very good ones! The fact that you are not letting the connection and sexual energy get in the way of getting to know each other is a very difficult thing, but do-able.

The first thing I suggest is to have a chat so that you both are on the same page. You both have had thoughts of crossing the line and that is something that can get very confusing if you don’t get on the same page. what if you guys came up with a code word or phrase that lets the other person know they are ready to cross the line. You could make it super simple by saying, “I like you and want to get to know you. I am attracted to you and do have sexual attraction towards you, BUT I want to get to know you for awhile first. I don’t have a timeline as to when I will be ready. When I say, “I’m ready to cross the line when you are.” You will know that you have the freedom to plan that moment and I will accept your offer.” It will be a really good test anyways, to see if he respects your wishes. I know in the past, I have tried that and the gentleman would get really wrapped up in the moment and try to change my mind….of which was a sign for me to pay attention to.

How do you feel about that approach? That way, he will know your boundaries and mindset.

The other thing you can do is continue what you are doing. Stay in public places and don’t be alone together where something could happen. That is one of the best ways to protect that line.

In the meantime, the best ways to build this relationship with him is to stay curious about who he is and build your friendship. When you think about the qualities of what a best friend means to you….build those into your relationship. When you bond through memories, challenges, different types of experiences, you are building trust and friendship every single time.

Look up Dr. John Gottman. He did the largest study (20years) to date asking the question, “What makes a relationship not only last, but also happy?” He has some incredible information out there about what a healthy relationship looks like…the qualities that are necessary, the most important things to build into a relationship and also what does not work. One of the best books I have read is, “The Man’s Guide to Women” It was written for men, but as a woman, reading about what I needed in the relationship put into the format he created, it was so amazing! From his research, he found that the guy is the main factor as to whether a relationship works or not. If the guy can show up and help make a relationship work, then it most likely will work. Interesting!

Hope this gives you some good direction! Please keep us updated!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

OMG! I am so sorry about your husband! That is such a challenging and awful thing to go through! I can see why this guy means so much to you! A part of you woke up again. You are feeling a side to yourself that you haven’t felt in so long or even thought was possible.
It’s hard when the feelings are not reciprocated. I can see why it’s leaving you depressed. You got to feel something soooo amazing after being shut down and now you don’t get to feed it. It’s a feeling that has nowhere to go now. It’s so hard. There is no way around it…it’s just something you have to go through.

I’m glad you are dating other people now. It will give you different experiences and different viewpoints and different feelings. It sound like you have captured the attention of someone already. I know it is not Mike, but I’m sure on some level, it feels good to be desired and wanted. Now you have someone new to practice with. Dating can be so confusing and very difficult. In the end, the reality is we all mess up a gazillion times along the way…the ones that make it through finding love, are the ones that are able to accept limitations and see beyond it. This guy was not willing to do that with you. Who knows if he is even capable of that.

Each day will get better. I know it doesn’t feel like that sometimes, but sometimes healing is so subtle that people don’t notice. All of a sudden you will go an entire morning without thinking about him, then half a day, then a full day, then a whole week. Keep working on pulling your attention away from him and focus on yourself and the person in front of you.

Keep checking in letting us know how you are doing!!!

[Heidi G]

Hi Ya C,

His shallow texting could mean several things. It could mean he is avoiding going deep with you, it could mean he is just connecting to keep you interested, it could mean that the relationship is so new that he was not ready to dive into deeper feelings….The reality is, it was just 3 weeks. That is hardly any time to know what someone is really feeling.

Considering his role model (father) he probably does not have much respect for women. He most likely follows the same pattern and enjoys women, but never really goes very deep with them….that way he will never get hurt. He probably has the pattern of hooking women and connecting really well with them, but is able to easily disconnect. This is all theory of course. Just suspicions considering his behavior.

I again bring you back to yourself. You may think you are not appearing too needy, but a statement like, “you seem too busy to get together with me, which confuses me” is a needy statement. You are here on the forum trying to figure out what happened and what you did wrong. You used the word “love” with him. It’s appearing that you have a very strong dependent attachment style. Meaning….when you fall for a guy, it is fast, deep and he “completes” you….your self esteem is VERY wrapped up into what a guy thinks and feels about you. Male attention is very important to you. And there is nothing “wrong” with any of this. It is a BEAUTIFUL thing to feel deeper feelings. It is probably one of your greatest qualities and like it is for all of us, our greatest qualities are also our greatest weaknesses.

So this is where I want to invite you to stop analyzing him and start looking inside yourself. Yes he broke it off, but I am willing to bet you are being saved from A LOT of drama with him. He has moved on and that’s it. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to detach from him and attach to yourself.

Write out a list of 10 things that you can do to bring yourself comfort. Here are some small things I do for myself when I am hurting:
1. Buy lots of flowers and place them around the house
2. Go on hikes
3. Go visit a pet store and pet the dogs and cats
4. Watch uplifting, funny movies or movies where you watch a character survive a breakup and still end up being okay. (Under the Tuscan Sun)
5. Mani / pedi
6. Volunteer somewhere
7. Cook something super yummy or bake a bunch of cookies and then pass them out to people
8. Massage
9. Pull out my gratitude journal and write down everything I am thankful for. Get your mind focusing on what you DO have and not what you don’t have
10. Watch hilarious you tube videos of animals or people’s emabarassing moments
11. Watch videos of motivational speakers – brene brown, tony robbins, brendon burchard, Deepak chopra, oprah, Marianne Williamson
12. Look up TFT or EFT on youtube…these techniques are SUPER helpful! You may have to go through the tapping a handful of times, but it definitely can help lessen the hurt.

The idea here is, you need to develop a skillset of how to take care of yourself when you are hurting. You are trying to fix the hurt you feel through him and that will never work. But will work is you fixing your hurt through your self care. It is a VERY important skill to have. Even married couple need this skill. There are many moment in marriage when your partner just can’t be there for you or they are the ones who hurt you. When you know how to self care, it makes the situation sooooo much better!!! I know it is so much more work to do and less fun than focusing on the guy. Believe me, I get it! However, it is not a healthy way to resolve hurt. You need to forgive him, forgive yourself and set him free.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I know it hurts the heart. Your dreams that you created around him are no longer a possibility and that is the hardest part to let go of. You meet someone and think it’s heading in one direction then it isn’t. You can do this though! You can heal the hurt through your own self love and nourishment. It may take some time, but you will get there!

Let us know your thoughts!!

Heidi

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