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Hi!
Thank you for writing in and giving us some great detail.
There are a couple of things I want you to just think about.
1. Why did you break up? I know it’s because you want something more serious and head down that path. You know what you want and you I imagine you are pretty successful at getting that. I want you to think a little deeper though. But think about this concept first. Whenever we get hurt by someone else, it’s actually more OUR own issue vs. being the other person’s fault. I know it doesn’t feel that way, but let me explain a bit. If we were REALLY completely and truly connected to the truth that we are loveable, worth fighting for, valuable….just because and not for anything we have earned, done or been in life…then we wouldn’t really have the hurt feelings. It would be like me coming up to you and telling you that the sky is green….you know it’s blue and no matter how much I tell you it’s green…you know it’s blue and I can’t tell you otherwise. The hurt feelings is a way of our psyche letting us know where the holes are in our belief about ourselves. So he started to respond less and less, you started to feel more rejected and of course your natural reaction is to pull away and not deal with it. That definitely is one way to face this and not a bad way to approach this. Another way could be you dealing with your feelings of rejection on your own. Him becoming more distant exposed a “fault” line in your self esteem, so that makes it a great opportunity to discover that fault line, what’s in it and what’s the source of the hurt??? Taking that journey INSIDE could really help you find more patience, understanding and peace about the situation. I am guessing you made your decision out of feeling defensive and protective of your heart. You would rather reject him instead of him rejecting you. Whenever you make a decision out of lower vibrations, it’s not a clear choice. You want to make that type of decision because it feels RIGHT for you and you are coming from a space of forgiveness, peace and clarity.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t have made that choice….you may still come to the same conclusion, but I’d rather you take the journey inside and do some soul searching and find your triggers…work with them, forgive, heal and THEN make your decision.
As far as he goes…my guess is, he is terrified to get too close, he doesn’t feel worthy enough for you, maybe because you are much more successful financially than him and maybe there are some things he has not told you about himself yet. This is the first time you have been around him during this phase of training he went through….he really may have just needed to focus and that is the kind of guy he is…he may have been sabotaging…who knows….you haven’t seen this side to him before.
What he is being honest about is that he is not ready….so can you be okay with that? It doesn’t sound like he isn’t interested. It sounds like there just needs to be more time spent together and getting to know each other more. He is coming out of something totally heartbreaking AND he is from a different culture….do you understand the differences between your cultures really well? Anyways….would you be willing to let go of the idea of needing a commitment and a serious relationship at the moment. Maybe give it 6 more months and see what happens. He might be able to join you in that space by then. It’s a good thing to take things slow. Men tend to have a much slower time clock than us ladies and it’s important that we have patience. Support them, build an incredible friendship, appreciate what they ARE offering us, not what they aren’t and value the slowness of getting to know each other.
What do you think about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Candy!
What a wonderful fear you have! It’s great! Because it just means that you care and you are recognizing that you have something quite valuable and you don’t want to lose it!
Let me tell you something though…you ARE going to sabotage…and so will he. It happens in every single relationship, in one form or another. It happens when you are start to fall in love….and many times the sabotage is coming from such an unconscious place that the person doesn’t even know it’s happening!
So the first step is awareness…of which you have. You recognize that you could ruin this relationship….for fear of getting hurt. You are wondering about his pattern of pulling back then leaping forward and whether or not it’s because of you or him….who knows! It could be both….and it’s okay! It may be his way of sabotaging.
First thing I want you to start to pay attention to is your need to ask questions. I, like you, get accused of asking too many questions ALL THE TIME!!! haha! It’s a gift and curse…all at the same time. I am endlessly curious and constantly analyzing which is such a wonderful gift and ability I have, but like any of our best qualities, they are also our worst. So…it’s not something that will ever change about me and not something I want to change. I want to be in relationship with it more….and this is where you can start that process….start to look at the REASON for which you are asking your questions….it will be from 1 of 2 categories…1. you are asking because you are trying to gather information to help you control the situation better (i.e. so you don’t get hurt) or 2. you are curious.
When I was younger, I predominately asked questions from mostly #1 reason sprinkled with #2 reason. As I got older and really worked on a lot of my fears, the reasons naturally swapped places. I would ask the same exact questions because I was mostly curious, sprinkled with a little bit of a need to gather information. It was amazing how I felt! I felt like whether this guy chose me or not, or whether things worked out, I was going to be okay….and when you REALLY know that about yourself, there is a freedom to just enjoy what is right in front of you and ask any question you want because you are curious, not because you are afraid. Does this make sense?
I’m going to quickly touch on the subject of your fear of sabotaging….we need to continue this conversation, but I want you to think about things first for a bit and keep writing us back. If you know you are going to sabotage, you can pay attention to what EXACTLY you begin to do to sabotage. Once you recognize, you can immediately address it….address your fear. And many times what helps is even talking about it with your partner. It’s a great thing to say, “I love you and I want to move in with you….AND I am so scared. I am so scared I will sabotage the relationship, I am so scared you will really see me and change your mind about me, I am so scared I will disappoint you and I am scared I will keep asking all my questions and drive you nuts! I don’t need you to fix any of that for me. I don’t need you to tell me not to feel that way….I just need you to tell me that even when I sabotage, or ask too many questions, or learn things about me that bug you….that you are interested in working through those with me. That you are interested in being honest and kind with me as we travel this new path.”
Does that make sense? When you love and accept your limitations and work with the fears that driving those AND you have a partner that does the same, there is an acceptance of each other that happens very naturally and bonding can actually happen because of it.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie! I’m sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you. I just now saw your message. It got buried and I totally missed it! My apologies!
To answer your question about my last relationship…I knew it wouldn’t work out because of our age differences. He was still so young and needed to go grow up. He needed to make something of himself. I could tell, more and more, as time went on, although I was not his “mother” I was turning more and more into his teacher so to speak. He was so curious about life and I had so much more information than he did. When he decided to end it, it was because “He couldn’t tell the difference between what he thought himself and what I thought.” It was such a wise observation and one I was watching unfold the closer we became. Not a healthy dynamic…but kind of an inevitable one considering the different phases of life we were in.
I want to address the feelings you have about loss. It’s something to really pay attention to, as it feels like that might be more the driving force behind what you are designing with this guy. THE HARDEST THING is to decipher “why” we really like someone. It is a question I always ask myself and I do a lot of soul searching. What happens so many times is that the core reasons driving us to like someone, or even love them, comes from a place of fear and woundedness. Unfortunately, the core of our feelings, whether being from a healthy place or a wounded place….feels exactly the same. Maybe you have already looked at it this way, but if you haven’t, I want to encourage you to spend some time with the thought. You listed a lot of wonderful reasons why you like him / love him. Yet you are having some struggle….the struggle being that he is not initiating as much as you like and nor designing you into his life the way you really want. It’s possible that your fear of loss is in the driver seat of your decision to continue a relationship with a guy who isn’t really available for you…no matter how much fun or how well connected you two are together. Loss is so hard…especially the loss of important people. It is so strange to have a best friend one day then slowly grow apart to never know them again. It is so sad to love so deeply then move on and realize that love doesn’t always last….for 2 people to continue down looong journeys WITH each other….well it can be a rare thing for some people. I know, for me, I barely keep people in my life that come from my past. If I do talk to some, it’s just little bits of exchanges….far from the deep friendships that used to exist. I have know many other people who are still best friends with the people from high school…20+ years in the making….is that by design and choice or that personality? Probably a mixture of both….point being…loss happens and I would be sad to see you be so afraid it that it ends up running your life and keeping you in situations that are well past the expiration date (I am not referring to your current situation – just speaking in general terms). Whenever I am dealing with the fear of loss, what helps a lot is to finish the story. For example, “I am afraid that I will lose this amazing connection with this guy and he will just end up being another person in my life that has moved into the outer circle of acquaintances and maybe mot even matter to each other anymore….AND….I will be okay. I will love again, I will find a new friend again, I will find another man who can make me laugh and bring such joy into my life.” When fear shows up, people usually stop the story at the end of the fear and loop it again and again in their minds. So have the fear, but also make sure you end it with a statement of truth as well. It will help you program your mind to look at BOTH sides of the fear….yes, you are afraid AND you will be okay too. It helps reminds you that you are resilient and you have the ability to recover from loss, pain, hurt etc. So when you make a decision from THAT mindset, your decisions will be much more clear and not driven by fear…but instead a trust in yourself.
What needs to be addressed most is what is inside of you. You keep battling with being drawn to him but not receiving as much attention as you would like. Do you want to spend all of your energy constantly dealing with the “ups and downs?” It costs a lot…mostly because you are dealing with a lot of rejection. If you guys were still having this pattern 1 year, or 2 years from now, how does that make you feel? Good? Not so good?
You much do you want to work at trying to inspire a man to interact with you? How much effort do you want to put forth to get a man to have exchanges with you? I personally would not want to work THAT hard…yes…there are times that it’s necessary, but when it is how I spend my energy all of the time…waiting for him to respond, counting the days he hasn’t and constantly being aware of the connection or lack thereof….it’s just not how I would want to spend my energy. You are in a constant state of flux and uncertainty. You say that you guys probably wouldn’t last if it were too even….that might be something to look at as well? What’s wrong with even? Even means consistency…and with consistency and solidarity, trust is build, safety exists and those are CRUCIAL qualities if you are going to go deeper with someone. As long as the relationship is unpredictable and unstable and you are questioning how much you mean to him….you guys will always be limited.
However, with all of that being said, I understand there is a strong connection and you are not willing to let that go….and you want to make the time apart a healthier version than what it has been…so the only way to do that is within yourself….and that’s where if you really diver DEEP and look at your fear of loss and you work towards deep forgiveness, healing and finding safety inside of yourself….you might find some freedom that allows you to be separate and not connected with him AND be peaceful about it.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
Soooo great to hear from you!!! It sounds like you are re-connecting to yourself a bit more than before. What are you doing to help yourself feel happier and take care of yourself? I love hearing all the ideas people have!
It’s interesting that he is becoming more engaging. What do you think changed? Are you guys talking a lot more now? Do you feel he is responding to you romantically or just being nice?
This event sounds like so much fun! Do you get to dress up and feel beautiful for the event? I’m so glad he said yes! Will you get to see him before then?
Heidi
Hi Candy,
I’m a little confused. Do you think there is the possibility of him cheating on you over the weekends?
Of course you are scared. If you were not scared, you would not be human, or you are very blocked off from emotions. Who knows why he has a sudden change of heart.
Could it not be possible that you helped him handle some important business transactions, therefore earning some trust? Maybe he finally feels he has everything in order in the way he wanted and now is ready to move forward with you. Have you ever asked him directly?
It sounds like you guys have a great connection! Do you feel comfortable moving in with him? You both have never lived in the same space, so that’s a bit risky moving in together when you don’t know each other in that way. Would you maybe feel more comfortable if he got a place nearby? Maybe he can just sign a 3 to 6 month lease and just spend that time getting to know each other’s daily habits, friends etc. Trust needs to be built in that way as well. You already know you get along great, no it’s time to see how you both interact REALLY seeing each other every single day and developing a relationship from that perspective.
It’s a good question you have. Why all of a sudden a change of heart? Why doesn’t he talk with you on weekends? Only he knows the answers to that, so he might be the best person to ask about that.
Embrace your fear and have some compassion for questions. You SHOULD be questioning! ALWAYS!!! Never stop being curious or noticing changes in patterns or being curious about who he is. That is what will keep you awake and connected to the moment vs. thinking that everyday is the same.
I’m not sure if this helps….we would love your feedback.
Heidi
HI Mitzi,
I answered your post in the other category….if you could provide more details, it would help!
Thanks! Heidi
Hi Mitzi,
Would you be willing to offer more details? Is it okay for you to date your boss? Some companies do not allow something like that. Are you guys dating or just having sex? What is the extent of your relationship at this point? How long have you guys been hooking up now? Is he married or already in a relationship? Can you offer more details as to how his behavior is changing? He was connective for awhile and then started to become distant? Or has he been more standoffish since you guys hooked up?
Heidi
Hi Rannveig!
You can obviously do whatever you feel you need to do. I would encourage you not to send it though. Valentines day typically is meant for “couples” and it may be a good day for him the feel the absence of you. He will be thinking of you on this day. Not contacting him will give him the space to feel the full weight of his decision. AND….it’s important for you to honor his choice for right now. I know very well how extremely difficult it is to stay away from someone you feel so deeply connected with. It’s gravely important for you to follow through on your commitment. If you keep contacting him, it’s not aligning with the decision that has been made. Sending something like that (an inside joke and quite personal for the both of you) is not honoring the agreement.
You can always make it, and maybe a month down the road, after the 30 days of not talking, you can decide to give it to him….maybe you can give it to him as a departing gift.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It’s terribly painful to heal from heartache. It’s really important for you right now to take care of yourself. Make sure you nurture yourself really well! Go hang out with puppies, go watch light, funny movies, go volunteer somewhere where you can help others….it will help heal your broken heart. He is going away for a long time which will help create some closure for your heart. He needs to go experience this new adventure of his without being attached to someone very far away. Like Kanya and James are saying…he needs to grow up on a different level. He needs to have freedom to experience and be whatever he needs to be without having someone to think about that is millions of miles away.
As painful as this is right now, you will heal. Give it some time. It’s only been a week. You will most likely feel very different in a month….where it’s easier to go through your day without the heartache.
Take really good care of yourself right now as you let him go.
Heidi
Hi Trista,
Okay…this makes sense…he probably (my best educated guess) does not ever want to fall in love or give his heart to another woman again. He doesn’t trust. He will want to love and bond, but not really. He will always have a wall up that will not allow him to go any deeper, because that is where he got hurt and he probably will not go there again….maybe at some point his therapist will challenge him to go there.
So you have a choice to make. He is who he is, so you need to either accept him for exactly what he is and keep improving in the little ways you can. It sounds like he is responding on some level. Small improvements can help build trust, but truth be told, if he never works on forgiving those ladies for those deep hurts, the odds of you getting all the way in with him are slim to none….but it’s not to say you can’t get close to that. He may give you enough to make you feel happy and that’s okay too. If you don’t want to put that much work in and if you are not okay only living with parts of him, then it may be time for you to create a different experience with someone else. Either way, accepting him for who he is, is what is most important. That acceptance means you stay and keep working on things or you go.
What are you thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Letty,
Wow….my heart goes out to you….you have a tough situation here.
First, it sounds like he is a traditional type of guy where he believes that he is the head of the family and what he says goes…and whether you agree or not, it is your job, as his wife, to still do what he says and wants. Is this a design you agree with?
Second, out of that list, it all boils down to one thing. He doesn’t feel important enough. If he were important and valuable enough, you would never have done something like this. This core issue started waaaaaay before you came along. It’s funny how he is pointing the finger at you, all the while he is breaking every single thing on that list by not talking to you and disengaging. He is not being loving, a good companion, he is breaking trust and he is certainly not being respectful. He is being revengeful on all accounts. If he has cheated on you, then some of what he is so hurt about is being projected onto you. Many times, people with a guilty conscious manage it by pointing the finger onto someone else all that they are feeling and being….hence a big reaction being fueled by their own thoughts of themselves….not to say that he is conscious of this. He is very solid in believing that YOU are the sole person responsible for all of his hurt and he is going to make you pay. This type of thinking is incredibly difficult to deal with unless you completely go in “submit” mode and start to worship them and build them back up. That being said, they will typically punish you all along the way and feel justified in doing so.
So if you are sure he cheated you….what has stopped you from confronting him about it? What has caused you to stay with a man who does not have any integrity? Maybe it is possible that he has another woman at the moment, so this big reaction could be the lead-in to wanting a divorce. Who knows…those are valid thoughts, but really….none of that matters. What matters is you. YOU have to decide what kind of design you want for your relationship. He is the kind of guy who does not forgive and is revengeful in his actions towards you by pulling away and disconnecting and then making you apologize for everything to be okay. I imagine this is exhausting for you, as you don’t seem to have a place in the whole thing….it appears that everything is about him….so I am wondering if he has really strong tendencies towards narcissism. If he does….you are in a losing battle. You are there to primarily serve him and that’s about it….and you, of course, can keep doing that. But that means all kinds of resentment and anger gets buried because you wouldn’t be able to talk to him about YOUR feelings and how he has caused you hurt. I’m rambling and have a gazillion things I want to say, but I don’t have enough information.
So you have 2 choices at this point….validate his list and agree with everything he has said. That will probably bring him out of his funk quicker than ever, unless he is wanting to head towards a divorce. He may keep that wall up, as this is a good “excuse.” OR you can start to be honest with yourself and create a different design in the relationship. Do you have a coach or a therapist that could walk you through this process? It would mean that you need to be willing to let him go should it come to that. Have you asked if he would be willing to get help with you? Maybe you guys could try couples counseling.
I have said so many things….what are your thoughts? How did that conversation go in response to his list?
Heidi
Hi Brenda!
So good to hear from you!
First of all, you are NOT stupid! I know how you feel though. I have thought that many times about my choices as well, but in the moment, you were getting many of your needs met and it feels so amazing and takes us easily into fantasy land. SOOOOOOO many women do that!!! So you are actually quite normal. Men just operate differently…thank goodness!
Again, your emotions are all over the place because you came to this earth feeling deeply. It is part of your essence….and that means that when you feel something, it most likely is much more intense than other people. Who knows….you may even be an empath. I just don’t want you to think nor believe that those “all over the place” emotions is a bad thing. I know you are heading to the doctor and my guess is, they may want to prescribe some meds. I would suggest to ALSO go see a therapist or someone who knows how to teach you a skillset of how to handle all those emotion and work towards healing. I would be sad if you were to start taking meds and that’s where you stopped. It would be extremely beneficial to have a professionals voice to give you good perspective and help you heal.
Will you keep us updated as to what the doctor recommended?
Heidi
I want to add one more thing…
Yes his pattern is changing. Maybe he is getting back together with his ex…who knows. With that being said, I personally would also have my caution flags up. You are not overthinking…you are noticing a change in his pattern, so until you have the full understanding of why that has changed, stay alert and cautious. No need to talk to him about it just yet…just watch and observe and look for signs of anything else. There may be appoint in which you have that discussion, but not quite yet. Just watch and observe and keep gathering more information.
Maybe ask him more questions about how is work is going….or has everything resolved with his ex since he left on that trip…or how he is doing with his kids….
Those types of questions can give you more insight into what is happening on his inner world.
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Wow…you really fell for this guy. So I’m curious…him having children does not matter anymore to you?
I want to re-inforce what Kanya is saying. Slow this down. It’s been a month and you are wanting him to commit to you. The beginning of a relationship is ALWAYS an up and down, very unstable process. Feelings ebb and flow like crazy! You guys need more time to stabilize and find what is normal for both of you. Texting and communicating as much as you were is A LOT. No one can keep that up…well women like to, but I have yet to find a healthy gentleman who responds that much and that quickly. He may be backing off because he is going through a lot with his ex and with his work. Who knows! For now, I would encourage you to take it easy if you don’t want to scare him away.
You have activated his hero instinct already, so I suggest to now activate his need to chase. Maybe it’s time you pull back the reigns a bit. Text less, use less “babe” and endearing terms and make him work for your attention a bit. If you are so easily available and responsive, he may lose interest. Especially in the beginning, it’s important to activate this side to a man. Make him feel like he has to earn you. Right now, you are so concerned about keeping his attention that you are forgetting he needs to EARN your attention. Are you so easily willing to give your heart to a guy that you barely know?? He needs to prove to you that he can hold your heart with care, with consistency, with commitment, with interest. You guys are not at that place yet.
For now, I suggest to pull back the reigns of your heart and make him work for it! You are worth the fight….now you need to teach him that!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Giselle,
You have made a decision! As much as it hurts, how do you feel? Do you feel a bit more peaceful and resolved?
Yes, I would suggest to communicate your choice with him. You can say something like this:
“Hey…I have made a decision. It is not healthy for me to fall for a guy who is not interested in taking that journey with me. I need some space and time to heal and close my heart off to that idea. I’m not angry with you…I am hurt, but that hurt is for me to deal with on my own. While I am hurting and healing, I just cannot be friends with you at the same time. When I have reached a place of healing and can honestly offer you a true and honest friendship, I’m sure we can be friends again and start fresh! You are such a wonderful person and I love how I got to feel when we were together. At the very least, my standards have been raised now. You taught me what was possible and I will always appreciate that. I truly wish you the best with your lady. For now, I kindly request for you to let go of me as well….of our friendship. If and when I feel good about being friends again, I promise I will reach out and we can go from there! Take care.”
How does that make you feel?
If he is not able to honor your request and keeps contacting you….you can always block him so you don’t receive the messages anymore. As long as you keep getting messages, you will not be able to move on. He will still be a part of your daily life and that is something that needs to change. You need to feel your life, your day without his energy in it now. My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this is. You can do it!
Heidi
Hi Naomi!
You are going through quite a bit right now. I just have a few questions.
1. You are married, yet you are here asking how to get this other man’s attention and wanting to “start over” with him. YOU are not available to have a relationship with him, so what exactly is your plan? If you did get this guy’s attention, are you saying you would get a divorce?
2. You must not be very happy with your husband or something is missing maybe that is inspiring you to want to look elsewhere maybe? What is stopping you from either improving your marriage or deciding to end it?
3. I will be very blunt here. My educated case from the information you have provided, this guy you are chasing is not that into you. It sounds like he may enjoy the sex, but he is disappearing and becoming non responsive when you are telling him that you love him and want to be with him. He most likely is not taking you seriously as you are married. It may even be why he felt safe to have sex with you….he didn’t have to worry about you wanting a commitment from him since you are already married, but I’m guessing he is learning quickly that you fell hard and fast for him and that is not what he wants.
Your concern of whether or not you can get this guy’s attention or not is not the biggest issue here. What you need to face inside yourself is that you breaking your word….and with a guy who is not even interested in getting to know you and only really interested in having sex….So if you really want to feel better, I want to encourage you to face whatever it is that you are running from. What are you afraid of? What are you avoiding? What are you needing from this guy that you are not able to get from yourself or your husband? If you face those answers and start to work with yourself (i recommend a coach or therapist or someone who can help you be objective and hold you accountable to your growth), you will feel soooo much better! You will be creating ways to get your needs met that are in integrity and that are healthy for you. Even if you never get caught, the cost of holding in secrets…the cost of breaking your word…it very slowly wears you down. It’s toxic and maybe it won’t be until 15 more years, but you start to lose parts of yourself….holding in secrets and breaking your word can be like a cancer to the soul. It slowly breaks you down…only little bits at time that you don’t even notice….but then one day, you may have a wake up call and look back and realize how much of yourself you have lost because of your choice. You still get to make this choice of course. We all have knowingly made choices that were not in our integrity and we end up paying the price for that. So if you still are going to move forward with this, I want to encourage you to still look at those questions and work towards finding healthier ways to get your needs met. And finally, this guy you are cheating with…I suggest you run in the other direction. I know you feel like you love him…but that love you feel is so limited and he sure as heck is not showing any sign, whatsoever, that he is interested in going down that path with you.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this! Please keep us updated!!!
Heidi
