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Hi Sietske!
Good to hear from you! Wonderful advice by the way. How is your situation going? Any new updates?
heidi
Hi Akiko,
Thank you for writing in! I can see why you are confused and not sure what to do.
Do you have any clue as to why he is not interested in something deeper?
I want to really encourage you to listen to what he said. He is not interested in anything further than sex, which in my opinion, is near impossible to do as a woman without there being consequences emotionally….especially the older you get. Women even have a chemical (dopamine) released into her body the first 7 years she is having sex with a man. That hormone is a BONDING hormone…the same exact hormone released in the baby and the mother at birth when the baby is placed on the mother’s chest. We are physically bonding with a man even if we think we emotionally are not. You already have creating a great friendship, so as you cross that line into the physical and then keep building the friendship, it is only natural to want more.
The problem women have is that they think that maybe the guy will change his mind. They think that continued friendship, dates, sex and having fun together may inspire the man into wanting something more. DO NOT PLAY THIS GAME!!! He has been very clear with what he wants….LISTEN to him and honor his choice. If you choose to participate, then you are participating with a man who is NOT EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE!!! So if you were to honor his choice, the question then comes back to you….what do YOU want? If you want to fall in love, i would suggest to look elsewhere. If you want to just have sex, then you have that guy, but it also means you REALLY limit how much you have a friendship with him because it is VERY easy to be drawn into that and start to want more from him.
So to answer your question….he is JUST A FRIEND and nothing more! And if that is all he wants to offer, then I would consider no longer being intimate…which then means you may lose him completely….who knows. This decision is more about the kind of relationship you want to have with a man and whether or not that matches with what this guy has to offer.
Does this make sense??
Heidi
Hi Trudi!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! You have been through quite a bit but it sounds like you are coming out the other end and you and your husband are finding each other again.
I am glad you got connected to the hero instinct and how much that made sense about your husband being attracted to a woman he could “save.” It’s a strong instinct in them isn’t it!!!! Did this make sense for him as well?
What is your current situation??? Is he totally and fully committed to you and your family again? Has he let her go? Do you see some changes in him?
I imagine you are now being much more vocal about how much you need him in your life. Would you mind sharing some ideas???
Heidi
Hi Brenda!
Look how brave you are! You are recognizing and accepting the truth of your own limitations as well as theirs and even willing to take the hardest road….which by the way, will give you the most return. It is the VERY BEST gift you could give yourself….to choose yourself over someone else…your friendship and your ex husband….in order to connect and get to know yourself better. This choice is guaranteed to make you stronger on the inside and THEN…the very best part, you will attract someone who can be stronger WITH you.
Now….how to go about all of that? Goodness…there are a lot of ways…none of which are pain free. It’s just going to hurt, no matter what as there is a lot of loss. It’s worse in the beginning which is why everyone gets that very strong pull to re-connect….so you need to make it past that point. I PROMISE it will only get easier, but you have to just get through the initial phase of separation.
You will need help. Because you will be “alone” for the first time in awhile, you will have a lot of different emotions ranging between love and deep hurt, anger, betrayal etc. This is important for you to feel all of those! If you are not feeling those emotions, you are most likely guarding yourself. If you do feel them, FEEL ALL OF IT as it is essential in order for you to heal. Is there a therapist or a coach you would be willing to work with? You have a pattern of connecting with unavailable men, so diving into the depths of that pattern can help free you from it, so next time you choose someone who cares and values you deeply and is available to do so.
Here are some other ideas:
1. get a diary and start writing or typing
2. watch a lot of movies where the main character is dealing with loneliness but becomes resilient (Under the Tuscan Sun). Also, watching movies or reading books is a GREAT way to have a brain break….your brain gets occupied on a different story other than your own.
3. get a dog or a cat….they can be sooooo loving and healing if you find the right one for your personality
4. spend a lot of time with your friends and family….they can help create distractions and be there to remind you of your goal and purpose for your decision
5. Are there any hobbies you have wanted to start? maybe learn a new language, start dance classes, start cooking classes etc.
6. volunteer somewhere…even if it is only 1 day a week…getting involved where you are helping can be very healing for the heart!
7. Watch some self help youtube videos. Brene brown is my very favorite! You can just type in names and watch their 15 min videos offering advice. here is one to start with.The point is….fill your life with things that are going to make you smile, laugh, feel comfort…all things that are self love. It will help you avoid the pits of depression and help you keep the strength to not re-connect.
It’s okay to feel lonely….it’s actually really important!!! I always coach people to feel comfortable with aloneness….the more you try to avoid that very important feeling, the more you will be attracted to men like you have chosen. The best people in relationships are also good at being alone…they don’t “need” the other person to make them not feel alone….they just want the other person as an addition to their lives…not a completion to their lives….and this is why being alone is very important. You get to know yourself in a way that can only happen when facing that fear. Otherwise, that fear will rule your life! I LOVE being alone! My life is very peaceful, easy, I explore a lot of things and do a lot of things I wouldn’t be inspired to do if I had a partner. Whenever this phase shows up in my life, I have always looked at it as a time to get to know myself better and a time to face fears and a time to play a lot and have some freedoms. It’s really a wonderful time in life once you stop fighting it and embrace the gifts that are waiting for you!
Telling them your decision is quite simple really. You can say something like this, “It’s time for me to take care of myself and be alone and heal. I have been afraid to be alone for a very long time and it’s just time to really face that, which means it is time to disconnect.” DO NOT get into how your ex husband keeps drinking or how your friend won’t leave his wife…those are their issues that they need to face….you are facing your issue which is your fear of being alone. Keep the focus on YOUR purpose and don’t put the blame on them for their lack of decisions. Your friend seemed to really respect your choice from your previous experience. He seemed to really honor your choice. I don’t know about your ex husband, but it’s IMPORTANT that you keep your choice all about YOU and do not go into his limitations. Give him as little information possible and keep the conversation short. Do not take on any of his hurt or begging or whatever he might do. It may pull you back in. If you need to do it through a letter or something because you just don’t feel you could resist him in person, then you do that. This choice is about your and finally choosing yourself again over him.
I’m sorry you have to go through all of this. I’m glad you are finally making this choice though…you will find pieces of yourself that are sooooo valuable and when you look back, you will be sooooooo glad you made this choice!!!
Please write us back and let us know your thoughts. Kanya will also have some great ideas as well. We are here to help you through this!!!
Heidi
Hi Brenda!
Thank you for writing in and sharing your story!!! You are in a very tough situation! He sounds like a really wonderful friend and someone who is helping you feel how I imagine you have wanted to feel in a relationship. Friendship is sooooo important in relationship. Trust is a huge part of that and your ex husband probably broke that trust many times. I’m glad to hear that he is getting some help!
I want to support what Kanya is telling you. Both her and I and MANY people for that matter, have had friends or clients connect sooooo strongly through texting and messaging and the fantasy gets created. It is an INCREDIBLY strong fantasy as well and very dangerous. People are really vulnerable and not getting a lot of their needs met, tend to fall into the fantasy much easier. You both are going through some incredible struggles and have found that in common. You have both been a great support for each other and that is sooooo hard to say no to….and feels impossible to say no to.
I want to invite you to think about this in a different way and see if this helps you decide the path you want to go on. I first want you to think about your own life. It took you 25 years to break up. Why 25 years? You finally reached your limit. You were in enough pain that you finally made that decision to get a divorce. So the one motivating factor that inspired you to take that risk and leap, was being in enough pain and discomfort that you couldn’t stand it anymore. He is going through the same scenario as you just went through, BUT he is not in enough pain because you are making his life so much better by being in it. It actually allows him to stay longer with his wife because he is not hurting as much…because you are there to meet many of the needs his wife is not able to. So in essence, you are only helping to stay where he is at. If he is really going to make a change and leave his wife, he needs to be in enough discomfort to finally take the plunge and face his fears. And it is MUCH healthier if he did that on his own, without you being the reason for his choice. If you become the “reason” that motivates him to leave, that can lead to resentment later on down the road. He needs to stand on his own 2 feet and face his fears. Is he willing to do that??? Who knows. I imagine you have been a wonderful gift for him as he gets to experience a great connection. Now he needs to fight for his life and ask for more. He needs to create the kind of life he really wants instead of cheating on his wife with you. And yes, it is cheating. He is emotionally invested in you and you are with him. That is actually a much more serious type of cheating than just having a physical relationship because what you guys have….it involves the heart. If his wife and your ex husband are aware of how you feel about each other…then that makes it more in integrity.
I just want to leave you with those thoughts. You BOTH are in current relationships of which neither of you seem to be getting your needs met. So maybe it is best for you to really decide what YOU want. If you want him, then you have a decision to make with your current ex husband. But again…you DON”T make that decision based on your “friend” being there for you, because that could totally fall apart. YOU need to decide what kind of relationship you want. If it is NOT with your ex husband, then it’s time for you to move on and create something different. If you DO want your ex husband, then you need to cut off all other options as it is splitting your energy being in connection with this guy AND being in a relationship. Essentially, you BOTH are sitting on the fence and you will never get anywhere as long as that is where you hang out.
I would love to hear your thoughts!!!
Heidi
Wonderful!!! Keep us updated Andrea! This is not easy what you are going through and we are here to help you through some of rough patches!
Heidi
Hi Bularca!
Thank you for writing in! I am glad you are here asking for some other opinions and asking some great questions.
I first want to acknowledge you for taking responsibility for the hurt you caused with your words. That is the very first step to earning back someone’s trust.
Do you feel like you want to apologize with this newfound awareness you have? If you do, then it would be a wonderful thing for you to create some resolution for yourself as well as maybe help him heal….all of which can build trust again.
you can say something like, “I read these new books and all of a sudden I REALLY realized, on a deeper level, how harmful my words must have been for you. The nagging I also did during the time we were together. I am so sorry. I now see how my limitations must have made you feel hurt, defensive and not appreciated. Honestly, that is the last thing I ever want you to feel. I am sorry I did not see this about myself sooner. All I can do is the best I can each moment. After reading these books, my best is a much better version than before and I only wish for that to continue. I don’t blame you for wanting to break up with me. I understand now. If you ever want to talk about this, I would love to sit down with you and really listen. If that doesn’t interest you, that’s okay too. Just know that I am deeply sorry for hurting you and I ask for your forgiveness.”
As far as keeping in touch, as long as he is willing and you feel good about staying connected, then absolutely! It can help you guys build back up the trust that was broken and really work on becoming friends again.
What do you think? Does this approach feel good for you?
Heidi
Hi Cecelia!
Oh my! You have been through an incredible amount! It sounds like you are quite resilient though. I am so sorry he had left you like this. You must feel so confused and very hurt!
I am wondering what happened. I am wondering if the doctor told him something he is not sharing with you. Maybe he has a terminal illness or something and pushing you away is his way of trying to protect you. For him to all of a sudden disconnect really makes me think SOMETHING has happened.
Do you have any idea of why he was not very affectionate? Was he ever complaining of feeling sick or not well? Why did he go to the doctor? Has he been pretty open and honest with you throughout your marriage or did you have to always pull things from him to get him to talk?
Let us know more details….it will help us guide you a little better.
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
I’m so glad you are back home and recovering well. I am glad you have found resolution and feel good about closing the door to this past relationship.
I actually do know a lot of men who care and read books and do a lot of self growth. It’s easier for women as we were really built for relationship. It is much more natural for us to want to grow and nourish our relationships. That being said….we all come to the table with issues and limitations. What I always coach people on is this….when you are looking for a long term partner, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to look at is how they handle stress. Do they treat you with respect and grace even when they are hurting? Do they treat themselves and others the same way? You have to see the VERY WORST of someone before you can ever really know if they are okay to be on the inside walls of your heart. Sometimes this takes a bit of time, but it is crucial. I will not give my heart away completely until I see the worst sides of them and know that I am safe with them in that space. And vice versa….I expect the same actions from myself when I am in my worst. So you saw what he does when he is under stress. He disconnects and that is important for you to know about him.
Now it’s important that you forgive him for how he has hurt you so that you don’t carry that hurt into your next experiences. And it’s also a good idea to look at yourself and where your limitations also contributed to the situation…that way you can also become a better partner in the future.As far as this new guy….take it super slow. You are saying you want his attention 100% but you haven’t even met him yet to know that you want his attention. No need to tap into hero instincts. When first meeting someone, it’s like a job interview. You are just seeing if you want to have a second date and he is seeing the same about you. No techniques needed yet. Just have some fun and keep it very light and playful with him!
Let us know how that goes!!!
Heidi
Hi Andrea!
Your instincts are spot on. Whether or not he received the messages does not matter anymore. That happened in the past and now you have the present moment to deal with. Backing off a bit will give him some breathing room and allow him to miss you. It’s wonderful that he called just to check in on you! That is a great sign that how you are approaching things now, is working.
Just like Kanya said, if you focus on improving your own skills in a relationship, focus on working to control your anger better and allow him to have the space he needs…you may end up exactly where you want with him, only in a healthier way than when things ended. He needs to feel like you support him, even if that support means giving him space…and he needs to feel safe to come back to you without a lot of drama. If you can work through a lot of your hurt feelings and anger NOW, on your own, then when and if you do talk about those things that caused hurt, you will be so much more peaceful in your communication… which will help him want to connect with you more.
As far as guarding your heart a bit….that is smart as well. It’s important to be cautious. He has hurt you quite a bit and it sounds like you don’t fully understand why yet. With how everything happened, there was a trust that was broken and needs to be rebuilt….that takes some time and patience and most importantly….forgiveness. When you can let go of the hurt and forgive (not forget) his choices, you will have a clearer mind as to how you want to handle the situation and what feels good for you. You don’t feel safe yet with him and that’s okay. It’s going to take some time to heal and to see how things go.
You are doing a great job Andrea!!!!
Heidi
Hi Tamara!
I am so sorry to hear this! Would you mind sharing more details? If I understand correctly, he recently divorced then re-connected with you and then all of a sudden said he needed space and disconnected?
If he is recently divorced, this may be the main reason for his decision. It’s usually recommended for people getting divorced to spend some time alone and heal from the breakup. How long was he divorced before connecting with you? Did he ever communicate that he wasn’t happy with you at all? Is this a complete shock to you or maybe part of you knew this might happen?
Are you guys currently on speaking terms? If yes, how? Through texting, email, phone, do you ever see each other?
Heidi
Hi Liela,
Thanks for your great question! I’m sorry that phrase did not work for you!
This approach works more often than not however, because every situation is different, it does not always work. For example, if a guy felt his lady was very needy and suffocating during the relationship and always asking for him to take care of her, asking for help AGAIN would most likely not inspire the guy to reconnect. It all depends on the mindset of the guy, the kind of guy he is (personality) and the reasons why he has disconnected.
What happened with your situation. If you provide more details, we may be able to help with a different approach that could be more suited to your specific situation.
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Thank you for writing back in. It helps me know how I can communicate better and make sure I am more clear when I explain things! I loved all of what you said. Your honesty was wonderful and brave…your vulnerability is so human! Thank you for sharing!
I first want to address the online dating. I didn’t mean to come across as saying NOT to do it. It’s a GREAT way to get to know people, practice certain skills and maybe find your “someone.” I just meant that it’s very important to really watch yourself while dating. It’s very easy to get swept away and easy to create a fantasy about someone. That is why I recommend to online date locally and to meet much sooner than later. The longer you spend connecting with someone through technology, the more it’s very natural to create a certain idea about who that person is…and many times it is not even accurate. So it’s best to connect for just a bit and then meet up for tea or coffee and THEN decide if you want to move forward. It has been the best formula I have found through personal experience as well as with all the people I coach through this. I know many people may disagree with this approach. I honestly think it just depends on the person. I personally have a tendency to fall into that fantasy pattern easily, so in order to keep myself in check, I would meet for drinks very quickly. I know some people who DO NOT fall into that fantasy trap and can communicate online for awhile and be fine with it. So how you go about your dating approach is really up to you.
Here are other ways to meet people: http://www.eventsandadventures.com and look up some meetup groups that do things you are interested in. http://www.meetup.com Neither website is for dating but instead is about meeting up to do activities with other people. Event and adventures requires that you are single though…so it CAN turn into something where you meet someone if that’s what you want.
I’ve also had that conversation with myself, thinking it’s my fault because I have also had several guys ghost on me in the past. But you know what I always come back to? I am being myself and I like myself. If that person is not inspired by who I am….then that’s okay. He is not a match for me. It’s VERY easy to lose site of our value when someone disappears on us. I always tell people to spend about a day thinking about what maybe you could do different. If there are some things you could work on to improve the dating experience, then great! If there is nothing that pops out or is evident, all you can do is continue to move forward doing the best you know how….and that’s it! Leave it at that….no mulling it over and feeling bad about it longer than a day. If it starts to carry over into several days, that’s letting you know you are giving that guy a lot of power in your life that he does not deserve! and that’s where you need to take back your power! The last thing I want to say about this is that ghosting is sooooo common. It’s so sad. It is the number 1 problem I help people through (both men and women) when online dating. There are a million reasons why people disappear and most of the time, it has nothing to do with the other person…it has something to do with the person’s life who is disappearing. Either way…it doesn’t really matter. When you get ghosted, it brings about low self esteem and that is what you have to work through….loving and choosing yourself in the face of someone else not choosing you. It’s soooo hard but a skill you will need for the rest of your life!
It’s natural to hurt like you are….you really cared and connected with him…and you want to feel better about all of it of course. This is where I tend to get a little tough with people who spend a lot of time on these situations. The reality is, for right now you do not know what happened because he won’t answer you. So THAT is your answer…..the only answer that really matters and the only answer you need for right now…is that he is not interested. The what and why and how behind it does not matter. I know you want to make it matter, but you don’t have that option with him. He is radio silent for now. Maybe at some point he won’t be, but for now you won’t have answers. So it’s important for you to let go and move on without those answers. It’s soooo important to love yourself and connect to yourself in order to do this. It’s important for you to be able to forgive and let go instead of spending all of your energy trying to understand something you just won’t understand. You could play all the guessing games you want as to why he unfriended you on snapchat but nothing else. But that’s all it is…a GUESS…and then your emotions get all wrapped up in that GUESS and the story you create around everything….and that is what is not healthy for you. It’s time to close the door and not longer spend your energy on figuring HIM out and instead figure yourself out. Let him go so you can move on but you have to let him go knowing you may never get the answers you want. Maybe at some point he will contact you again…who knows! All you have to deal with is what you know RIGHT NOW and right now…he is not available.
Now….after you work on connecting back to yourself and your value and amazingness….THEN you can decide if and what you want to do about the situation. The challenge most people run into is this…they are hurting and they want the OTHER person to fix the hurt by changing or doing something different. You want HIM to make you feel better. As long as you are giving him all that power in your life, the feelings and situation are clouded and not clear. So if you work on yourself and work through this by helping the hurt to go away WITHOUT him….then you will have a much more clear perspective and can make a decision from that space.
Does all of this make sense?
We would love to hear from you again!
Hi Sarah!
Thank you for the update! You sound very grounded and much more clear about your path with him. I am happy to see that you are giving this relationship some time and letting it unfold how it does. You are handling this really well! If there is anything else we can help with, let us know!
Heidi
