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Hey Jennie,
How did your talk go? I’m so curious about what he was upset about with you!! Would love an update!
Heidi
Hey there,
Checking in. Would love to keep talking through your situation with you. Any new developments, thoughts or questions?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
if he’s messy and unsure of himself I don’t want to be taken down as well… Do YOU feel that way? I’m only going by what you are telling me. I have given you reasons to consider a different perspective of your connection, but YOU are the only one who really knows ALL the details. Is what I am saying making sense to you? Does it resonate for you? If it does, then it’s time to disconnect, but if it doesn’t really feel accurate, true or you question what I am telling you, let’s keep discussing!
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I’m glad you have a mental health team helping you navigate everything. It’s really important to learn how to work with your triggers, your reactions and your feelings with whatever mental health challenges you are dealing with. Do you feel you have a good handle on it? However; when I’m pmsing, on my period, it’s a nightmare. I can’t hold back my emotions. I’m very anxious and easy to go into psychosis. That’s what pushes him back. I feel like he’s afraid to deal with me. Let’s talk about this, because this can be a real deal breaker. Have you really looked into ways you can learn to manage your emotions during this time? That’s not a fun thing to have to navigate for you or for anyone else. It definitely can be a deal breaker, so it’s important for you to really look into ways to stabilize yourself during your period. Or…maybe just stay away from everyone during that week and isolate yourself so you don’t cause harm. What you are doing during this time of the month is emotional vomitting all over him or anyone that is around. It’s harmful and breaks trust and safety within the relationship and I know that is the last thing you want to do. Any thoughts on this? Can your mental health team help you set up a plan to do things differently during this time?
I know you are not ready to be on your own. It’s up to you how you want to move forward. If you really, truly want to heal, then disconnect and do not be in contact with him anymore. Yes, that means no more lessons. You just have to cut your losses and let the lesson go. If you are not ready for that, then you get to stay connected in the whatever way you want and you will deal with the consequences of that. Either path, either choice is painful. It hurts if you stay connected and it hurts if you disconnect. At least in the disconnection, there is an end to the pain because you can heal. As long as you stay connected, the pain is limitless. It’s your choice.
Heidi
I spent $500 USD to help him with his dental surgery… but now that I think about it, that’s a lot of myself I put out…. I don’t know how to break this cycle. What cycle are you referring to specifically? Again, this is you taking care of him but not taking care of yourself. You are spending money on him, that you don’t have. You are now in debt with that loan…a loan you got to go visit him, yet you say you can’t afford therapy for yourself. So you will spend $15,000 to see a guy, but you won’t spend $15,000 to help yourself with managing stress and your mental health issues more directly. Like I previously mentioned, this is a co-dependent kind of pattern that is incredibly destructive to any relationship. When you value taking care of someone else, more than taking care of yourself and that is the DOMINANT way that you function…it sabotages connection. So if you want to do things differently, I would suggest to start to educate yourself on co-dependent behaviors, research ways to shift that behavior and start to pay more attention to your own needs and no longer help him with anything. You guys are no longer together, so his needs are for HIM to take care of and not yours. And honestly, part of me is wondering what kind of guy would accept $500 for his dental surgery from a woman who is jobless and on disability? What kind of guy is okay taking expensive gifts from you and you taking out a $15,000 loan to come see him, knowing you don’t have that kind of money?? I know your money choices are your own AND he also took money from you and was willing to put you in MORE financial stress for the benefit of himself. I’m not a super fan of that and have little respect for a guy who takes advantage of a soft heart like yours. I’m not so convinced that he wasn’t using you in some way. I know that may be really hard to hear and consider, especially with how you feel about him and all the experiences you’ve had together. Like I said…”love is blind.”
He never gets angry. He’s got major anxiety, and anticipates things won’t go right. When he’s sad he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings. He can’t pin point why he feels anxious at certain times, he can’t pin point what bothers him as well. Things just do. He vapes, addicted to it. He doesn’t give himself the mercy he deserves when it comes to vaping. He’s open and easy to talk to when it comes to difficult situations. He’s very sincere, understanding… he told me he’s here to support me, but lately that’s changed… He is someone to stay away from Jennie. He has an addiction, he has high levels of anxiety that he doesn’t understand or know how to deal with and he is no longer there to support you. This guy is quite messy Jennie and not available for you in the way you want. I’m so so sorry! It hurts, but again, your best bet to is start to make your mental and emotional health a priority.
Hi Jennifer!
Thank you for sharing more information. It’s helpful.
Let’s break all of this down into smaller bites.
I would love to be able to start fresh without having that loom over my head. How can I work to get over these issues? Well, I cannot tell you how to do this, because everyone is different with what they respond to. What I can tell you is that you haven’t fully and completely forgiven him nor yourself. What I can tell you, is that those experiences built walls around your heart and the only way to take those walls down is to be in relationship with them and explore them. Walls are designed to protect, right? Well, the wall exists in the first place and is built with lies, stories, fears etc. What lies are you telling yourself? What stories are running in your mind when you are aware of your hesitation about trusting he won’t cheat? What insecurities exist? What are your fears telling you? These kinds of questions can lead you into a deeper level of understanding of why you are not resolved from your past experiences. The next step is to forgive and release. This is the healing process. It’s identifying those fears, lies, programs, stories, insecurities etc. and then working with them and releasing them. THEN…you are free. You are truly healed when you can think about those past events and not have any reaction to them and when you think about moving forward, the fear isn’t there. I am not afraid of being cheated on, but I am aware that it could happen. That’s the kind of mindset you can get to. How to get there, I work with a coach who takes me very deep into my patterns, fears etc. and she helps me through my process. I use different techniques to help move some of the tension and fear. I have read a gazillion books to educate myself about my patterns and my shadow side. This is MY process and I choose the methods that resonate for me. All I can tell you is that you need to find what resonates and inspires you into healing. I’m happy to send the info of my coach and you can try a session with her to see if she resonates for you. There are a million modalities out there where people claim healing. Many of them work and some are so-so, but what I do, is I open myself up and say “Okay universe, I need help. Show me what would work for me.” Or something to that affect…and see what books, tools, groups, programs come across your path. The thing is, this is one of the most important things you could do for yourself. What you learn and discover on this path of forgiving, releasing and healing, is a FOREVER kind of skill. You will use what you learn until your dying breath and it will make you a much more effective partner.
He does realize he has a problem, he said he’s never cared before. But whether he knows exactly what those issues are or not, I don’t know. I’m glad he at least has an awareness of his problem, but I doubt he understands why. There are usually many many layers to sift through before getting to the core reason. He might have some level of sex addiction. He already has an addiction to vaping, so whenever you are dealing with someone who has addictions on any level, they will be bringing a whole lot of mess to the relationship, especially if they are not getting help for it. So needless to say, it’s important for you to know what you are stepping into.
I do think that people can change when they know the issue(s) and truly want to. Of course anyone can change. Very few people do though. The kind of change that is permanent and sustainable requires commitment and a drive to heal, no matter what. If he were to stop vaping let’s say, yes that’s a change, but give it time and he will find an addiction to something else, because the underlying source of his addiction was never addressed. Knowing the issue changes nothing. Let’s take you for example. You know you need to forgive your past, but has that changed anything for you? Nope. You still are holding onto your past. So knowing the issue is just the beginning of a very long journey, especially when it comes to addictions.
Please understand I am not trying to discourage you here. I just want to point out some red flags that are pretty much guaranteed to ruin connection in the long run. He has an addiction possibly to sex and for sure to vaping and you hold onto your past and neither of you have done any real work to make changes through ACTION and getting help somehow. You are here, which is a great thing! You are learning and asking for help which is a great first step!
I’m not sure how willing you are to go beyond that.
Heidi
Thoughts?Hi Sarah! Thank you for sharing a lot more detail. This is incredibly helpful!
Let’s work through all these layers together and see if we can find more clarity for you.
First, it sounds like you put him on a pedestal. The way you talk about him sounds like a fairytale in a way….kind of like you found your dream guy and he is everything you’ve ever wanted and you would give everything and anything to make sure he was happy. I loved being in his presence every waking moment… and he did with me. It also sounds like you guys dove in pretty hard and fast. Meaning, there was a connection, you had sex, you spent all your time together as much as possible and all of a sudden there is a “relationship” that is happening. How long did you spend together before you guys went back to your homes? You said you had been crushing on him since July, but I’m wondering how well you really know this guy considering you live in different countries. I’m not sure how often you guys actually see each other in person. I’m a little confused.
Dating is a process that is meant to go slower than what you guys did. Even though you have like him for several months, it’s still very important to be discerning with your heart. What it sounds like is you opened the flood gates to your heart and just let it flow out to him. My guess is, that may have caused him to really want to slow things down. When a woman does this, it can very naturally cause a man to shut down or really slow things down because she is jumping in head first without really “dating” and taking things at a slower pace. Remember that men love to chase. When a woman is so easily available and ready to fulfill his every need and he hasn’t had to really work for her, he doesn’t trust it…and nor should he. A woman who approaches connection that way can have tendencies to be quite needy and all consuming to a man. Did he ever really have to chase you? Did he have to earn your love? If yes, how? You bought him expensive gifts and took out a $15,000 loan to go see him, yet you are jobless and on disability. To me, that sounds like a woman who is willing to give everything she has (at the expense of herself) in order to be with a man. That is a woman who loses herself in a man. That is a woman who becomes so invested in a man that she doesn’t know who she is without him. This can be very scary for a man to connect with a woman who is like that. I’m not sure if your mental health issues are contributing to how you are approaching this relationship as I don’t know what you are dealing with. Are you working with a counselor at all? Is there anyone helping you with how to navigate the challenges you face with your mental health issues? That can definitely be a factor that a man needs to consider, as it can be very impactful to his life.
Tell me about his darker side. What is he like when he is angry? What is he like when he is sad and depressed? How does he treat you? How does he treat himself? What is he like when having to talk about something personal and difficult? What is he like when you confront him about something you need differently from him?
I would lay off all the compliments and hero instinct methods for right now. It doesn’t sound like that is the issue or is lacking. My guess is, from what you are telling me, there is an overabundance of that. I have no doubt he feels your support and encouragement and belief in him. My guess is, he feels you coming on pretty strong and needs some space. He already is learning that you are not okay without him. He already is learning that you are desperate to have him back. Again, a guy typically doesn’t respond very well to a woman who loses herself and falls apart when he isn’t there for her. He needs to know his woman is strong, has boundaries, has standards and is able to rely on herself ONLY and doesn’t need HIM to make her feel happy. I’m guessing he doesn’t feel you are that kind of woman so he will feel the need to put stronger boundaries up.
I would say from your reactions and what you have shared so far, him putting some boundaries up and creating some space for himself is appropriate. It sounds like you need to figure out who you are without him now. If you are ever going to get him back, this would be how you do it. He needs to feel your inner strength. He needs to feel YOUR boundaries. He needs to feel that you WILL NOT do anything for him, as that is not healthy. You don’t know him very well and you gave him everything you had. This is dangerous! When dating, it’s important to be discerning and cautious ALWAYS! Your heart is sacred, special and unique and deserves to be protected and valued BY YOU. The way you do that is you REQUIRE any man interested in getting to know you, to PROVE he is worthy of something so sacred and special. THAT TAKES TIME! I have all kinds of screening questions, tests and things I watch for, BEFORE opening my heart to a guy. I have standards as to how I am treated, standards as to how he treats himself and standards as to how he moves through life. This is how a guy will “chase” you. When you have REQUIREMENTS for your life, standards for your life, then he respects and loves that. It doesn’t sound like you had any standards for this guy to meet. It sounds like you crushed on him, he eventually said yes and you dove right in, not really knowing what you were diving into. I know you felt like home with him and I know how that feeling can overtake any common sense. It’s incredibly powerful and soooooo so easy to get swept away in that. One thing that is ALWAYS important to remember: CONNECTION DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATIBILITY. Yes, there was chemistry, but compatibility is what keeps a relationship together, not chemistry….as you are learning.
So…my guidance is for you to explore how to get yourself back centered and grounded WITHOUT him. For example, you say this: He insists I work from home, which I’ve been trying to find jobs for…. However, he never stated the real reason why I should choose this employment pathway. This is a big red flag for me. Any guy insisting on how you should live your life is controlling you. That is NOT healthy and quite dangerous. You are a grown woman and can design your life however you want, especially when it comes to your job. That fact that you are listening to him tells me you are subservient to him. Is that what you want? Is that the design of relationship you want where you do what the guy tells you to do?
I know you miss him so much and it’s painful. Let him go. Find yourself, your inner strength and figure out your life WITHOUT him. He is not able to give you what you want RIGHT NOW. That could change down the road BUT he needs to know that you can respect his boundaries and his choice right now. If you keep pushing him to connect, pushing him to be with you, keep sharing your sadness, that means you are putting all your pain onto him for HIM to fix it and that is NOT his job. That is a pattern that will destroy any relationship, even if you guys got back together today. Your pain is YOUR OWN and for you to manage and heal. I will tell you, there is no way for you to heal as long as you are continuously interacting with him. Your heart is broken. It needs to heal. The more you interact with him, the more your heart will hurt and stay in a place of longing and missing him. In the 30 years I have been doing this and also from personal experience, I have never found anyone who can stay friends with their ex as long as romantic feelings are present and alive. So if you really want to heal, it’s time to let him go and disconnect.
Otherwise, you can keep spinning your wheels trying to figure out a way to get him back and you guys will keep playing this game of connecting, you chasing him and him saying no. That will also eventually end somehow and then you will be even more broken hearted. I’ve taken that path many times as well and man is it painful. I get why you choose it though. I would just recommend to stop sharing your broken heart with him, pull your energy away and show him that you are okay without him. He NEEDS to know that about you. Maybe consider connecting less over the phone. Maybe consider not initiating connection as much. Maybe consider being less available for him. Just some things to think about.
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Welcome! I’m a little confused, so if you don’t mind sharing more details, it would be helpful.
First, you have only been dating a few months. How did you meet? Having only dated for a few months, you guys barely know each other. What’s the rush of being exclusive?
Second, the trust issues you carry are always about you and what you have not forgiven and released from your past. It’s so important when starting fresh with someone new, that you are actually starting as fresh as possible, without bringing your baggage from other experiences into your current situation. I know that’s impossible to do 100%, but it’s important for you to own your trust issues as your own. Has he ever cheated? Has he ever done anything TO YOU to make you not trust him?
Third, whatever information you have about him prior to you guys dating, sounds like it is making you quite cautious. If that’s the case, I’m wondering why you are dating him. If he did something that makes you question his character and integrity and stepped into dating him anyways, then that is maybe something for you to look at within yourself.
Let’s really look at the core issue you are saying in your message. You don’t feel safe with this guy. You have only been dating for a few months and you already are questioning him. Yes, you have past baggage that is contributing to this and he has past baggage contributing to this as well. The truth is, he could be blue in the face telling you that you can trust him, but it won’t change that you are hesitating.
It is NOT for him to fix your past and prove he is the loyal guy you need him to be. It is YOUR job to face your own fears. And at the same time, really look at the kind of men you are choosing to let into your life. It sounds like he has quite the history of mucking things up. Do you really think you will be any different? People can say they want to change as much as they want, but until they face and deal with the core issues that cause them to sabotage connections in the first place, they will ALWAYS repeat their patterns. Cheating has NOTHING to do with anyone else except for them. Regardless of the crap that lives in the relationship, it still comes down to a choice within the heart of the person where they CHOOSE to stay in their integrity or not. When they don’t, there is something IN THEM that is sabotaging and until they face that, the pattern of sabotaging will continue. So even though your guy wants to do it differently with you, which I’m sure he truly means that…it doesn’t change what lives within him that is stronger and will sabotage the connection with you at some point. Maybe he won’t cheat, but he will find another way to ruin the connection. What’s also important to understand is that he doesn’t know any of this about himself, so it makes him that much more dangerous. When someone doesn’t truly understand their choices, their patterns, the part of them that sabotages connection and love, it means they are asleep to forces driving them into cheating…so how can you truly change something you don’t know much about?
So…you don’t want to be cheated on again, yet you are choosing to build a relationship with a guy who has a pattern of cheating and whom you already don’t fully trust. Do you see the irony in that?
Heidi
What a bummer that Steven didn’t pan out. The way he kept canceling last minute makes me think he was not legit. For him to connect so frequently with you, but then back out at the last minute…that’s suspicious! And Bruce…well it sounds like he just isn’t interested anymore for whatever reason.
How long is the manifest your man program? I hope you are able to find the answers you are seeking. Have you ever asked anyone close to you what their perspectives are? I know for me, I love to get people’s perspectives of me to make sure that what I am putting out there, matches what is being received.
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Oh I am soooo so sorry for what you are having to go through. Unrequited love is incredibly difficult!!! It sounds like he is pretty clear and I know how painful that feels.
What happened? He said he was not ready, but do you have any idea where that came from? You said this is a pattern in your life where men tend to pull away from you. There are 2 possible things happening here…you are choosing to engage with emotionally unavailable men or you are doing something that causes them to take a step back after getting to know you. It could be a combination of both. Do you have any insight into this pattern? Have you ever asked anyone who knows you personally about their thoughts on this?
This is your first love, which can be really overwhelming. It’s not uncommon to fully and completely invest 100% of your being into your first love. Many times, first loves are so intense and not very “clear” because the emotions are new. “Love is blind” tends to apply a lot with first loves.
Tell me more about your relationship. Did he love you back? How long did you guys date? From your perspective, what didn’t work very well with you guys? I’d love to know your ages as well, if you are willing to share.
Heidi
OMG I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you found this article. I learned about the upper limit about 15 years ago and have watched myself and others ever since then and it truly is fascinating. It’s crazy making right? I would watch myself start to get and feel what I want and then watch myself slowly destroy it, sabotage it, distort it or ruin it. Even KNOWING how this exists and plays in all of our lives, it doesn’t mean it changes the choice. It just means we become aware of it and that understanding it on a deeper level is now available to us.
I’m so curious what your guy is going to talk to you about. I’m excited that you have a sense of calm about it. I know that is a new feeling so that is a good thing! I’m guessing you are aligning more deeply with an inner truth you have within you. Definitely looking forward to an update about what was shared and how the conversation went.
Apparently I have a pretty high pain tolerance. Lol. Oh man…I used to have an incredibly high pain tolerance! When I was younger, I thought it meant that I was “strong” but then I learned that it meant that I was fragile and more emotionally unhealthy. Yikes! An emotionally healthy person has a VERY LOW pain tolerance. Meaning…they tolerate very little amounts of drama and chaos. They are NOT willing to put up with constant challenge. Now, I have such a low pain tolerance and I love it! I get to have a peaceful, nourishing life the majority of the time. My relationships are incredibly high functioning and full of support and nourishment and I have a very natural instinct to protect this peaceful world I worked very hard to create. It took a while though…lol. But well worth the effort!!!
Yes, the person I would recommend to you does do virtual coaching. That’s primarily what she does since she works with people from everywhere. I’m happy to send you her contact info. I’ll get your email and send it to you that way.
To be transparent with you, I have to admit that it made me feel really anxious to read the list of actions you suggested I need to take upon us breaking up. I understand your recommendations, though. I totally get it and expected that. I can tell you are not in a place of really wanting to let this guy go yet. I knew it would activate fear in you. My intent was to plant a seed and give you a snapshot about how to set yourself up for success for whenever you are ready. You have a handful of failed attempts with this guy, so seeing a different way to go about it can help give you an idea of how it would be possible for you.
Heidi
It made me start viewing him as safe and good for me (which I later had to reconsider because his sudden detachment feels worse than any anger outburst I’ve been around before— and some were huge. For some reason I missed this part, so I definitely want to respond. I would say his reaction was quite appropriate and healthy. I would not say he was detached in his reaction of staying calm and comforting. A detached reaction is having NO EMOTION at all or any kind of reaction. This guy seemed to have more compassion and didn’t play into your stress response but instead helped calm you down. THAT is healthy and a standard by which you need to expect to be treated. I can see why you opened your heart more to him and felt more safe with him. He showed up really well in certain ways. Here is the thing though…your standards are quite gunked up. I would EXPECT any person to treat me with compassion if I spilled my shake all over my car. I would EXPECT nothing less than help and a calm demeanor. That is a normal, appropriate reaction. The outburst you are used to are intensely unhealthy and coming from extremely wounded people, but you come from a place where that was normal. So…if EVERY guy you ever dated had a healthy, appropriate reaction to spilling your shake, then you probably would not have fallen for this guy. You fell for him because you identified him as “safe” from a VERY skewed perspective. So your definition of “safe” is off kilter here. It’s no different than a woman who has a history of being physically abused, falling for a guy because he doesn’t hit her and she feels safe with him because of that. Although there is truth in it, it’s only a small tiny grain of truth that became EVERYTHING. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Let’s start with this one: Right now I’m doing okay because he is still withdrawn in his depression, but I need to brace myself for when he’ll come out of this latest funk which will likely be soon. He doesn’t take me seriously when I tell him I don’t think we should date anymore, that I’m done. It’s my fault, because I’ve cried wolf more times than I can count, and each time I end up caving once he’s actively pursuing me again (or even approaches that, is adequately communicative, etc). It’s okay that you have cried wolf many times. You are doing the best you can and at some point, you will stick to your word because you are tired of hurting and tired of the rollercoaster ride. The reality is, people don’t make changes until they are in enough pain in their situation, that they are willing to finally do something different. So maybe you are not in enough pain yet WITH him, that you are not willing to face the pain without him. And that’s okay. I’ve done that many times! AND…even when I know I’m doing that, I am working hard, behind the scenes to set myself up for success the next time I “cry wolf.” So just keep connecting to yourself, working with your fears and maybe create a better plan for when you DO disconnect. I would recommend that you let him know you are done and ready to truly say goodbye. No explanation! You have already explained over and over and over again why you want to break up, so it’s a moot point now. Just let him know you are disconnecting and you can do it through a text or email. People do have judgments about doing it that way, but someone in your situation where you have a hard time really sticking to your decision because he talks you out of it…texting or emailing is a way to protect yourself from getting sucked back into a healthy relationship. He is going to be upset and hurt regardless, so at this point, it doesn’t matter. Then after you do that, block him from EVERYTHING. Block him in your phone, your email and anywhere else he has access to you. This will prevent you from knowing when he is ready to “woo” you back into his life. Then…maybe consider seeing a coach, a therapist or someone who can help you work through your feelings. Maybe join a program or a group class that can help hold you accountable. At the very least, let your close friends know that you are going to need extra support for a little bit. KNOW that you are going to miss him, crave him and want him back and you will have to fight the urges that come up. It’s hard for sure, but if you do your work and have some accountability, you are setting yourself up for success. Imagine you are planning to go on a SUPER hard hike that lasts several days. Would you go without a first aid kit? Would you go without researching and setting yourself up for success? Nope. You would prepare for the difficulty, emergencies, weather etc. This is the same thing. So if you are really ready to go this route, then there is no need to wait until he comes out of his “funk.” You do this now while he is disconnected and then you reach out to people and start doing your own work. You have me here, so you can always use this place as a way to work through your feelings with me. Thoughts on this?
There is so much to address, so I’m just going to talk about 1 more thing and try and streamline this:
Heidi, several times you referenced “hiding” and me hiding in the sub-par relationships. Would you mind explaining what you mean? I’ve tried to figure it out from context, but I don’t think I understand.. What I mean by hiding is that you choose men who have no ability to truly see you, know you, appreciate you and value you. You pick men who are not emotionally intimate or available. So that means that they never actually know you…which mean you get to keep “hiding.” This is a really strange concept for people to understand with their minds until they actually experience it and watch what comes up for them.The #1 reason people don’t get better is because they start to get what they want and are not set up to have it. This is what is called the “upper limit.” We ALL have a limit as to how happy and free and nourished we allow ourselves to be. That limit is connected to the amount of low self-esteem and programs and beliefs that are running in our system that is around love and connection. So someone with A LOT of low self-esteem, like your guy, has attracted you, a higher functioning person he could actually have a more healthy relationship with, yet he is sabotaging it ALL THE TIME. It’s because he has so much low self-esteem that doesn’t believe he deserves to be happy. That belief in this lies is MUCH BIGGER than the truth, so he cannot feel the truth. He is reaching his “upper limit” with you. Every time he starts to feel happy, open, hopeful etc, his system has to shut it down and sabotage to keep him in his “comfort zone.” The upper limit is an imaginary, subconscious, glass ceiling that when we hit it, we sabotage our happiness, success etc. to drop back into a lower state. That is why it takes WORK to truly be happy. That upper limit is only shattered and surpassed when we do healing work and clearing our baggage that helped make the glass ceiling. So…he is not set up to be happy. You would do the same exact thing. Even if I introduced you to the most amazing, kind, open, authentic, nourishing and wonderful man right now…your system would reject him. You are not set up to receive that level of connection, because you still have enough “baggage” hanging out in your subconscious that it acts as your glass ceiling. I have experienced this SEVERAL times in different areas of my life. One example is my most recent dog, Shumba. He surprisingly came into my life a few months after my previous dog had passed away. He was the most powerful, open, incredible love and when I first met him, his love was overwhelming and I watched myself push him away…he was pushing me to my upper limit. I immediately recognized this and was actually quite surprised because I’ve done so much work on myself, but nonetheless…I watched myself reject the purist love that could exist. I obviously worked through that and he became the most powerful and transformative love in my entire life. He helped me raise my upper limit. Another way to explain this is when you first wake up in the morning and your eyes have been closed for several hours, when you turn the light on, it takes a bit to adjust. It’s painful to your eyes at first to let the light in. It’s the same exact thing with our psyche. We naturally are attracted to and invite others into our lives that function around the same frequency we do, because that is what he know, are comfortable with and keeps us below our upper limit. It’s why your mom picked a 2nd husband who also treated her poorly. And remember, people are not doing this knowingly. This is all living in the subconscious and they have no idea the dynamics that are at play in their decision making and attraction.
This is so incredibly hard to explain. There are so many pieces to the puzzle and this is just one part of it. I have a whole system that I typically use to explain the entire picture to my clients. So I hope this is making sense.
Let me know your thoughts!
I’m glad that what I wrote was not too much for you to take in. It sounds like you received some of it really well, resisted some of it and need more understanding about some of it. Adventures, right??? I love it all and deeply love everything you are sharing.
When a man gradually becomes indifferent, seems less engaged, grumpy, never romantic, etc, it could take years of talking to that man, trying to get him to see there’s a problem, eventually maybe convincing him to go to couples counseling, only to have the marriage fall apart anyway because he’s simply not in it anymore. Those are some miserable years that I do fear even as a possibility. I’m not sure how to overcome that. Okay…so let’s talk about trust again and use these fears that are pretty big for you. First, the way to work with your fears is to step into them and REALLY dive into it and get to know it. So imagine taking your fear and putting it into a person and you go to lunch with that person/fear. Now pretend you are an investigative reporter needing to know EVERYTHING about that fear in order to write an article about it. What kinds of questions would you ask that person/fear? You would ask things like “Where does the fear come from? When did it start? What else about the fear? How much does it impact your life and get in the way of truly being emotionally intimate with a man? How often does this fear show up? What evidence does this fear have? I suggest asking these questions to your “fear” in a journal and then let the fear speak to you through your writing. Surrender your pen to the fear and let it take over and speak to you. See what comes up.
Let me just address your fear: We all come to the table with different fears. I have never been afraid of what you are afraid of. Why? Because the kind of man I will allow into my inner circle will not function that way. How do I know that? Because I will know his NATURAL, ORGANIC character and how he lives his life and what drives him and these qualities you mention would not be part of that. For example, when dating a guy, I absolutely ask him all kinds of deep questions, I ask him his feelings/thoughts about therapy, I ask him how he handles stress in his life and what he does to help himself heal hurt, forgive etc. So I am looking and watching how he handles his own life. There is no way in a million years, I would ever date a guy who isn’t easily and effortlessly willing to submit himself to an expert for help. I will only date a guy who seeks help for himself, reads books, has accountability, explores his depths because THAT IS WHO HE IS. It’s how I live my life because it’s my personality. I can’t be any other way because it’s just not me, so my guy will be the same. So I NEVER worry that I will have to spend months or a ton of energy trying to “convince” him there is a problem or trying to convince him we need help. He will approach his life and challenges within our marriage similar to me because that is who he is. I will not accept anything less. Does that guarantee we will last forever or that he won’t change his mind about me down the road?? Nope. What it does guarantee though, is honesty, openness, like-mindedness and someone who approaches challenges in a similar way to me so we can navigate them better together. What it does guarantee is that I will have a man who has the ability to deeply know me and see me and hold space for me because he already does that for himself. What am I afraid of? I’m afraid of breaking up. I’m the type to love incredibly deep and I don’t offer that easily. I know there is no guarantee of anything, so it’s scary to open up full heartedly without any kind of guarantee of a lifelong connection. I’m afraid of being so deeply and madly in love and then he dies. That’s my biggest fear actually. And….with my fears, I also know that I have a skillset, I have an incredible group of very intelligent, wise, powerful women who can hold me up and help me, I have a coach who is the most brilliant healer and sage-like soul I have ever met and will kick my *ss as much as she needs to AND…all of these things combined with my years of doing my own deep healing work..I AM RESILIENT. I trust myself that I will turn any painful, breath-stealing, gut punching moment and transform it into the beauty and power it offers to anyone willing to take the journey. I know this about myself, because it’s who I have always been when those moments show up. This is what I mean about self-trust. Even if your worst fears come true Jennie, it’s about knowing you can rely on yourself to take those extremely challenging times and let it teach you, transform you, offer you the gems and beauty of strengthening yourself. Yes, it’s always painful, yes, it’s hard AND you are strong enough, intelligent enough and resourceful enough to become more of who you are BECAUSE of the challenge.
I just want to address this next and then we can go from there: I don’t understand what this is that’s inside me which seems to feel unworthy and low (as evidenced by my decisions, I’m gathering). Let’s just sum all of this up into 1 core program running in your system. It has various expressions of it, but it all leads back to 1 thing….you so desperately want to be loved. Growing up with a narcissistic father, your needs didn’t matter. You watched your mom’s needs not matter either. So the man of the house role modeled to you that your voice, your feelings, your opinions didn’t matter and your mom reinforced that by also playing staying in that role. Choosing a man lower functioning than you, allows you to be the “authority” so to speak and also continue hiding…which is what you are used to. This guy you are with right now has NO CLUE how to see you, care about your opinions, your feelings, your voice because he is in survival mode and only using you to keep himself alive. He is constantly plugging into YOU for his self-esteem instead of “sourcing” himself. He is relying on YOU to love him because he cannot love himself. So basically, you have picked your father, just with a different design. You are existing FOR HIM. This guy may not be narcissistic, but he is incredibly dysfunctional, therefore requires you to serve his needs. That little girl inside of you who only knows how to interact with a man by “serving” him and putting aside her own feelings and needs – that’s the part of you that is choosing this current man…not your adult side. Your wounded little girl is in the driver’s seat of your romantic life. Your wounded little girl gets to stay hidden and “safe” by being with a dysfunctional guy. Your wounded little girl is coming from a mindset of protecting you from being hurt because she doesn’t trust men. AND…she desperately needs to be loved. But the version of love she knows and understand is so distorted, so she doesn’t know any better. So…YOUR job as the “parent” is to teach her differently. Since you work with children, you understand this deeply. Take those same concepts, compassion and creativity and work with your own little girl and show her differently. YOU love her and connect with her and get back into the driver’s seat of your romantic life. She will kick and scream of course, but as the parent, you know differently, right? You know what she actually needs and so it’s time for you to step up and say no to this guy and go through the pain of separating from him. You are harming and enabling his own wounded little boy and being HIS mommy and ignoring your own little girl. Does this make sense?
This is a tough question that MANY people, including myself, can’t stand because of how much it puts the responsibility on you, but it’s a powerful question. What are you wanting HIM to do for you that you are not willing to do for yourself? The answer to this question is why you are choosing to stay with this guy. You guys are bonding through wounded, dysfunctional energy so you are both using each other for different reasons. So again, what are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself?
How can I tell if a man is well-sourced, as you call it? I know the hallmark signs of emotional intelligence (not that I always look for them), but I have no idea what to look for to see if a man is well-sourced. Does that mean he knows how to take care of himself and isn’t overly dependent? I’m not clear on what that term means. I love this question!!! Well, that looks different for everyone, but what I basically mean is that a guy who sources himself, does not rely on other external sources to feel happy. A guy who is well sourced is happy on the INSIDE and does not 100% rely on his outside world (friends, family, business, money, fitness etc.) to define his happiness. Imagine that we all are walking around with a surge protector on our backs (you know those extension cords with 5-6 outlets on them?). That surge protector is what is our source of happiness. People who source themselves, have all their own cords plugged into their own surge protectors. Your guy now along with you, have your cords plugged into each other’s surge protector. When we rely on OURSELVES to source our peace, our balance, our happiness, we are more resilient and solid because we don’t need anyone else or anything else to go “right” or to be “perfect” or to “behave” in any certain way in order for us to feel happy and balanced. Of course, we get knocked off our center, but we source ourselves to get connected again. An example of this would be forgiveness. Sooooo many people want and need the “offending” person who hurt them to apologize or take responsibility for their actions in order to feel “closure.” That is relying on someone else to behave in a certain way in order to feel better. For me, I source myself by forgiving and releasing ALL of my negative feelings and hurt WITHOUT needing the other person to apologize or be anything other than what they want to be. Of course it helps repair the connection if the person takes responsibility, but my happiness and inner peace is not reliant upon them doing that. If they choose not to apologize or take responsibility, then I manage my expectations of the connection and move on…and I work with my emotions until there literally is ZERO negativity left over. That is me sourcing myself. Does this explain it better?
Heidi
Oh! I wanted to also quickly address the fear and thoughts around having a bad marriage. First and foremost, there is never any guarantee. Even if you married a super great guy, 20 years into marriage, you or he could shift and before you know it, you are heading in different directions. Love is a risk, every single day. There is no way around that.
So I want to bring in a new perspective here. First, you are not trusting yourself. When you don’t trust yourself, then you end up making a lot of decisions from an energy of fear. So let’s talk about trust for a second. The most important and foundational trust to have is with yourself…and then you can build your life on a solid foundation. Here is how I like to look at it. I’ll just use a common example that a lot of women have a fear about. They will say “I don’t know if I can trust him not to cheat on me.” Well, it’s true that everyone and anyone is capable of cheating under the right circumstances. So if that’s true, then where does that leave you? Worried all the time and living with fear in the back of your mind that acts as a barrier to connection and intimacy. So let’s turn that around. The truth is, you can trust yourself. What that looks like is this “I trust that if he cheats on me…I will be okay. I trust that I am resourceful. I trust that I am resilient. I trust that I can heal. I trust that although I will hurt, I will find joy again. I trust that I become stronger and more resilient by going through that betrayal.” That’s the kind of trust we need to have with ourselves in order to navigate the adventures and mis-adventures that show up with love. It’s a self-trust like this, that allows you to risk. It’s a self-trust like this, that allows you open your heart, even though you are afraid. It’s a self-trust like this, that allows you to actually truly enjoy the moment instead of letting fear of the future rob you of the beauty in front of you.
Developing self-trust is crucial. The other piece here is educating yourself more about what to look for in a man that sets you up for success. There are MANY layers to this. This is actually one of my favorite topics and could talk about this for hours! But I think this can get quite overwhelming, so I’ll refer you to the gotten institute, since that is a super powerful resource. They have studied relationships and what makes them work and not work for 3 decades and what the science is revealing is amazing. I mean, it’s common sense on one hand, but on the other hand, there are a lot of nuances that are beautiful. They put out a lot of amazing information. Their books are super badass and informative, so it’s a great resource for you to explore when you are ready. I would suggest start with this book. I know it was written for a man, however it’s extremely impactful for a woman to truly see the kind of man that works and doesn’t work in relationship. It’s a super simple read that I love. https://a.co/d/4Mz2uf7
Their website is http://www.gottman.com
Hope this isn’t too much information all at once!
Heidi
Hi Jennie,
Oh my goodness. I soooo know the feeling of being “exposed” and lancing that painful boil. Great analogy by the way!!! I love love love your honesty, your confusion, your vulnerability and your authenticity. It truly is beautiful and regardless of you feeling exposed and embarrassed, which I understand, I want you to know that I respect you. You have an incredible amount of strength to show up the you have so far, to be able to receive what I have shared (which I knew would not be easy and even contemplated if I should share so bluntly) is not easy at all. But you did it, owned it, was honest about your reaction and you know what??? That strength makes you an incredible leader, partner, teammate, friend and soul sister. So…amidst your embarrassment, allow in the respect and honor and compassion that you so desperately need to give that part of yourself that needs you!
I don’t know why I would choose a man like this guy unless I’m scared of ending up in a bad marriage (I can easily imagine things seeming great with a man all the way until I’m married and then I’d realize I have zero autonomy, he is a jerk, he takes me for granted and/or is indifferent in general, and I would wish with all my heart that I had just stayed on my own). I don’t know. Well, let’s explore this, because it’s not okay to not know. Your heart is the most sacred, special, valuable part of you and deserves to be honored and respected by you…something that is not happening by choosing a man this dysfunctional.
Here is my educated guess that may help you get started down this path. Know that I am happy to explore the depths with you, as long as you are willing, so you take the lead on this: My guess is, you have an INCREDIBLY BIG heart. You love deeply and care with all your heart and offer a lot of compassion and empathy for those who struggle and suffer. This is an incredible gift you have. It is NOT a common thing to have a heart as big as yours. It’s probably why you became a counselor. You want to help people in their most vulnerable difficult areas of their lives. As with any gift or “super power” there is also a darker side. Our greatest strengths are always our greatest weaknesses, right? So although you are incredibly loving and compassionate, it’s gotten mucked up along the way when it comes to your value. My guess is, you probably developed a co-dependent pattern: meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. This typically develops amidst a narcissist parent or guardian: meeting the needs of the self at the expense of others. So if “dependence” is your pattern, especially when it comes to love and romance, you will find and be attracted to men who NEED you. It’s how you KNOW your value. You get to feel needed, valuable, like you matter, you get to feel like the hero by reducing or helping your partner and in order to get to play that role and fill those needs of yours, you need to find a dysfunctional man who operates at a lower level than you. A healthy man wouldn’t need you. A healthy man doesn’t need you to solve his problems. A healthy man knows how to source himself. A healthy man will love and value that beautiful heart of yours, but also require that you take care of your own needs and not rely on his dysfunction to feel good about yourself. Many years ago, I came across a program that called this the “winning formula.” It’s how we ALL show up in relationship to feel valued, sourced, purposeful and successful in connection. I immediately saw my own winning formula and throughout the years, realized how I would also choose a guy lower functioning than me so I could be the “more evolved” one and rescue him somehow. Always I would hear something to the affect of “I’ve never met anyone like you. You know me and care about me like no one ever has before….” That, of course, was my drug. I came across a few men who actually knew as much as I did and they didn’t need me to teach them or show them anything. They enjoyed me sharing, but that’s about it. I found myself asking internally, “What value do I have to this man? Why would he be interested in me if I have nothing new to share or teach him?” Hahaha! I remember really realizing how much I relied on my “winning formula” for my value. Basically, it has been a journey ever since to develop my own inner love, be my own source of self-esteem and KNOW I am valuable and lovable regardless of what I know. Does this make sense? I had to take a journey back to where I was taught by my narcissist father about my value. I had to undo a lot of programming. Now, I am much more free to be myself and have zero interest in taking care of or rescuing anyone. Now…my standard is that if a guy gets to be in my inner circle, he better have very high emotional intelligence and better be extremely well sourced…or he doesn’t get to be part of my life.
So basically, you need to turn your efforts of wanting to rescue this guy onto yourself. Rescue yourself. This guy DOES NOT have the ability to love you the way your beautiful sacred heart needs to be loved. So…you cannot expect someone else to give you what you are not even giving yourself. Love yourself first.
There is soooooo much more to say, but I’ll stop with this and see where it lands for you.
Heidi
