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Hi CC,
This is actually a really great question and one of my favorite topics.
The thing is, they are not drastically changing, you just are not seeing the signs of who they really are. My guess is, you are just taking what they say and do as literal and not understanding the nuances of behavior.
For example, let’s say within the first few dates a guy says “Wow, you are amazing. I’ve never met anyone like you. You are beautiful, intelligent, funny and I love talking with you.” Most ladies would not see this compliment as a red flag, but this type of compliment is actually exposing either a hidden agenda or a guy who attaches way too quickly. Why? Because for a person to offer such a BIG compliment to someone they barely know, it’s not a good sign. Compliments like “You’re amazing” or “I’ve never met anyone like you” or anything of that flavor NEED to actually have some substance behind it for it to actually be true. So when a person offers that compliment so quickly, it’s empty, with no evidence to truly support these kinds of words. So again…I instantly think…this guy is either trying to woo me into bed or he is attaching way to quickly and putting me on a pedestal. So I keep an eye on it and I am cautious. I look for other patterns, words, actions that would support or negate my suspicions.
If you understand that over 80% of what we say, feel and act like is coming from the subconscious…an abyss of the mind FULL of thousands of pieces of data we have collected over every second of every day. This matters because how we date, who we choose, who we are attracted to, how we interact with them…the ENTIRE process is guided by thoughts, beliefs, stories and programs stored in the subconscious. The subconscious has a language. It’s subtle and hidden, but once you understand what it looks like, sounds like, feels like, you can instantly pick up on the subtleties. That’s why I am saying that those guys are not all of a sudden changing. I guarantee you there were a gazillion signs and behaviors and actions all along the way that would have shown you who these guys REALLY are, beyond what they say and do each day. You just don’t know what to look for or how to recognize it, so in the end, you end up feeling fooled and mislead.
So let’s just start with this….tell me how you date. I’m a little confused about your process.
Before I get into a relationship I don’t start dating until I’ve known them for at least a year This is what I don’t understand. Do you mean that you date them for a year BEFORE you enter into a relationship? Or do you mean you get to know them for a year BEFORE you start dating? Help me understand this a little better.
Also, when you are dating a guy, what are you paying attention to? What are you looking for? You obviously want to find compatibility and support and friendship, so what behaviors and patterns are you watching to see if he meets your criteria?
Heidi
Hi Lucy!
Welcome! It sounds like you are really falling for this guy. It feels so good to find someone you have a connection with, doesn’t it?
I want to slow you down a bit here. Speaking from years and years of personal and professional experience, knowing someone over technology is hardly knowing them. You literally are interacting with them in a small window during their day. Virtual sex and conversations is a VERY small snapshot into who they actually are. Wanting to be in a relationship with a guy you have never met in person and a guy you have such little understanding about…is moving things a bit fast. A committed relationship is a really sacred thing as you are offering your heart to someone. It’s important for you to be discerning and careful about who you offer your heart to, yes?
Also, this guy is NOT ready for a relationship. It’s probably why he is choosing to connect with you…you are way too far away for him to ever have to worry about you finding out anything about his life, who else he is connecting with and he doesn’t really have to worry about being in a relationship. This kind of long distance is incredibly tough to develop when you are meeting through technology.
So it’s important for you to really be realistic. He is very purposefully keeping you at a distance. He doesn’t feel ready for a relationship, but it sounds like he is okay having sex with you. I’m guessing that is all he is really capable of at this point. I’m curious though…you said you have been writing this guy for 6 months. Does he ever initiate writing to you? Or is he mostly just responding to whatever you write? It sounds like the video calls jump pretty quickly into sex being that you guys have limited time. Maybe consider not going there every single time. It’s important to have calls that build communication and friendship as well. I’m wondering what he would do if you said no to having sometimes. What his reaction be like? I wonder if he would start to pull away.
It’s also a really big red flag if he is accusing you of being controlling just because you are asking if he is okay. This, more than anything, tells you he is not ready to have a relationship. He is still holding onto a lot of hurt and resentment from his marriage that he is literally turning a caring question into something toxic. He can’t give you what you want right now anyways. AND, if he is saying he isn’t ready for a relationship, I can’t imagine he would be willing to come visit you, because that is a pretty big deal.
So I think you already have your answer, but it may be important for you to hear from him, so you understand where he really stands with you. Can you find the courage to just ask him directly? I know it’s really opening yourself up to rejection, but maybe that’s what you really need so you can understand that you guys are on very different pages right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tammy,
Would love to hear back from you! How are things shaping up for you? Any thoughts about what I said?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new developments? Any new thoughts about your relationship? I would love to keep talking about your situation.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Jennie!
It’s been a while! I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I’m not sure if you are still an active member or not, but thought I’d reach out and see what’s happening for you. Any new developments? New questions? I would love to keep talking with you about your situation or at least hear some updates.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Johanna,
What’s happening for you? Any new developments? Any thoughts about what you would like to do about our situation? Are you getting any help?
Heidi
Hi Dawn,
I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. Any thoughts about what I said? I would love to keep talking about this.
Heidi
Hi Dawn,
I am so incredibly sorry that you are having to face a broken heart. I know how devastating it feels to lose the one you love.
This sounds like quite a complicated and layered situation. I’m going to say some things that you probably are not going to like. My intention is to connect you to the truth and what makes a relationship work and not work.
First, you are more connected to the potential of your relationship vs. the reality. Falling in love and investing in “potential” breaks connection. I know it started out amazing, but for a relationship to last, it requires much more than love and connection. It requires forgiveness, honesty, communication and commitment. It doesn’t sound like he is willing to forgive, communicate or work through this with you. Whatever story he is investing in, truth or lie, what the REALITY is, is it’s his choice to create a barrier instead of work WITH you. No matter how wonderful the connection can feel, his choice to invest in this story is more important than his connection with you. This story is more important than his love for you.
The #1 thing that causes a relationship to break is the lack of respect and skillset between a couple on how to navigate challenges. Whatever this lie is, it’s real to HIM and that is what is important here. What is also important is that it sounds like trust was broken somehow. Whatever the lie is, have you ever talked to him about it from HIS perspective? Have you ever had a conversation with him where you are REALLY listening to his concerns and feelings?
I’m not sure this is repairable. My guess is, whatever this story is, it’s either big enough for it to be a non-negotiable, he wasn’t happy and this story is an excuse to end things or he is incredibly afraid. Do you have any sense if he feels any of these? When someone is putting up a wall this big, there are MANY layers of fear, hurt, anger or resentment that are being activated. You say you could have an amazing relationship, but that’s not the reality here. It sounds amazing when things are good, but not so amazing when things are not so good. It’s incredibly important that you connect to the FULL picture of your relationship, not just the good parts and not just the love you feel for him. Look at all the parts of your relationship and really be honest with yourself. What works? What doesn’t work? How can you be a better partner? How can he be a better partner?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s such a powerless feeling to have to sit by and watch your love slip through your fingers and not have a clear path to fix it.
I’m going to be honest. This is a pretty tough situation you are in. If he were to stay with you, he would have to kill off what sounds like like a pretty strong dream of his. I’m curious though…did you guys ever talk about this before? I imagine that he must have shared his thoughts on having children with you.
What are your thoughts about what is REALLY happening here. Yes, mid-life crisis is obviously possible, but what triggers that is different for each person. You know him pretty well, so what do you think is happening for him on a deeper level? Do you believe it really is about having children? Is there anything you can think of that would have triggered this in him? Maybe one big event or several small ones?
You say you guys are still seeing other quite frequently. What’s happening during those times? Are you guys still being intimate? Are you guys just meeting up for date night? What’s happening in your conversations? What feelings is he sharing with you?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s such a powerless feeling to have to sit by and watch your love slip through your fingers and not have a clear path to fix it.
I’m going to be honest. This is a pretty tough situation you are in. If he were to stay with you, he would have to kill off what sounds like like a pretty strong dream of his. I’m curious though…did you guys ever talk about this before? I imagine that he must have shared his thoughts on having children with you.
What are your thoughts about what is REALLY happening here. Yes, mid-life crisis is obviously possible, but what triggers that is different for each person. You know him pretty well, so what do you think is happening for him on a deeper level? Do you believe it really is about having children? Is there anything you can think of that would have triggered this in him? Maybe one big event or several small ones?
You say you guys are still seeing other quite frequently. What’s happening during those times? Are you guys still being intimate? Are you guys just meeting up for date night? What’s happening in your conversations? What feelings is he sharing with you?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing a bit more detail.
I know that feeling when you just feel so incredibly connected with someone and how natural it can feel.
I’m going to burst your bubble a bit here, just to bring in some reality. I know you want to fight for this guy, but there are some pretty big red flags here that are telling you that he is either not ready for a serious relationship or that he really is not set up emotionally to have a healthy relationship long term. Because you feel like you love him, it’s making you want to fight for him and dismissing the red flags that quite evident.
I made a mistake and he is holding me accountable. As I should be. But to an extreme, which I don’t feel is fair. What do you mean he was holding you accountable? What did that look like? How did he treat you? The BIG RED FLAG here is that it sounds like he is holding it against you for some reason and punishing you somehow. What is he doing that made it more extreme? The thing is, it does not sound like he is very good at forgiving and letting things go, once it’s talked about and worked through. It sounds like he still ends up holding it over their head and doesn’t release his hurt feelings. THIS IS VERY TOXIC to a relationship. Someone who doesn’t forgive, only ends up building resentment over time and builds a wall between their heart and their partner’s heart. My guess is, this is what he is doing, especially with how he has decided to just completely block you.
Another red flag here is that he is still in business with his ex-wife and how she is meddling in his life. He obviously is not ready to entirely separate from her and she from him. It sounds like she is quite pushy and meddling, yet he is not setting strong enough boundaries to protect himself. Even if she is the type to not respect his boundaries, then it’s time to 100% sever all connection from her and create his own business. As long as this dynamic exists in his life, he will NEVER be able to fall in love again. It’s only been 3 months and you guys already had a fight about her. So…even though they are divorced, they are still in each other’s lives daily and it does not sound like a healthy and respectful dynamic. So as long as he participates in this design of relationship with his ex, he will never be available to any other woman…no matter how natural and easy and wonderful everything feels.
You are confused because you are not able to reconcile how wonderful he is and what an amazing connection you guys had with how he is treating this breakup. The thing is, you barely know this guy. I always tell people this…if you are looking for a lifelong partner, the MOST IMPORTANT quality to look for is how they treat you in their worst moments. Although it’s important that things are great, it doesn’t make or break the relationship. What will make or break a relationship is how the couple treats each other in their worst moments. Are they respectful or critical? Are they listening or just trying to be right? Are they open to connecting and willing to work through it, or do they stonewall and disconnect? What happens in your worst moments and how you treat each other, will easily and effortlessly destroy the connection or build it up. And from what it sounds like, you did not treat him with much respect when you were hurt and he is stonewalling you. My point being, it doesn’t sound like either of you are very honoring or respectful when there is hurt and that, in and of itself, is what ruined the relationship. It doesn’t sound like either of you have a skillset to know how to work through challenging moments in a healthy way, so your relationship was doomed to begin with. It’s not anyone’s fault here…it’s just dysfunction that showed up between the both of you. You are willing to keep learning and working on things, but he is not. And that is a quality that will always sabotage connection. Someone who runs away and blocks connection is NOT a good teammate/partner. So as much as you love him and want him back, his behavior now is a preview of what you would constantly be dealing with and fighting against, so you would not be as happy nourished with him as you think.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It’s the infamous battle between the head and the heart and most times, the heart is so darn powerful that it ends up winning and causes an incredible amount of suffering and pain in the process. This is actually a battle more WITHIN your heart. Let me explain.
You have 2 parts of you that influence what your heart feels. Your child and your adult. Let’s say your heart is a car and both your child and your adult are in the car. Right now, the part of you that is in the driver’s seat is your little girl and your adult is in the back seat. In what world would you EVER give your little girl control of your love life? Your little girl is the one carrying the pain, the hurt, the woundedness from all of your life. She meets a guy who actually cares about her and makes her feel special, but as it turns out, is not able to offer her what she needs because he is sooooo scared (that is HIS little boy driving the car). He rescued you and helped you through separating from your ex, so he must REALLY care about you! (that’s what your little girl thinks and feels). All the while, you have an adult part of you sitting in the back seat, aware of what is REALLY happening, sees the red flags, but cannot get control of the car because the little girl is just too strong. She is sick and tired of being hurt. She is sick and tired of timing being an issue. She is sick and tired of rejection. She wants him back no matter what. It doesn’t matter that he is incredibly dysfunctional. It doesn’t matter that he actually doesn’t respect women. It doesn’t matter that he lets fear run his life. All that matters is that she wants him back so she doesn’t have to hurt anymore. But the adult side of you knows that if you get back together again, the little girl is driving right into another major crash. The adult part of you knows it’s time to heal and work on ALL of your wounds, from past to present.
People who are lead by their child energy into a relationship will always end up in a major crash, sabotage connection and will have to face A LOT more pain. It’s called trauma bonding. His little boy energy is in the driver’s seat as well. Like I said, the child energy driving the car is the one carrying all hurt, pain and suffering and when she gets fed by love, connection and joy, it’s like having a beautiful glass of water when you are incredibly dehydrated, in the middle of the desert. But what the little girl doesn’t see is that the glass of water she is being handed is full of chemicals, dirt and is actually toxic to her. But she doesn’t see that. All the knows is that the water feels soooooooo good! Your adult knows better though, but is not the one who is in control here.
Here is a video about trauma bonding: https://youtu.be/HRREbjsq3jY
Here is another video about breaking up: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
What your job is right now, is to get your little girl out of the driver’s seat. The way you do that is to start turning towards yourself and lovingly and compassionately offer her comfort, understanding AND a little tough love. You, the adult, who KNOWS he is not healthy for her, needs to take control. It’s no different than a mother protecting her child from touching a hot stove. She educates them, she rushes over and grabs their hand and yells. The child doesn’t know any better, but the mother does. So this is about YOU mothering yourself. It’s time to stop looking to HIM, or any other person for that matter, to make you feel better. He will NOT fix the pain you carry inside. You have some gaping wounds with deep infections and all he can offer is a bandaid. Sure…it might help stop the bleeding a little bit, but that’s not going to fix anything. You get back together with this guy and you will end up right back where you are now. So do for yourself, rescue yourself, instead of wanting him to do it for you. That’s little girl thinking and fantasizing about a man coming along and rescuing her from her heartache.
I’m not saying the connection isn’t real. Of course it is and of course it feels amazing. AND….connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. Connection and chemistry is what brings people together, but it doesn’t mean you both approach life the same way. It doesn’t mean you both have the skillset to manage when you are disconnected. It doesn’t mean a relationship can actually work.
It was about 4 years ago that I had an INCREDIBLE connection and chemistry with this guy I met at Starbucks. It was palpable and reciprocated and man was it powerful!!! It was so strong that I found myself thinking about him ALL THE TIME. The problem was, he was incredibly dysfunctional, had bipolar and I saw the flavors of it, was incredibly fearful of intimacy and was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what would actually make me happy. Yikes! I was amazed as I watched myself make all kinds of excuses for him. I watched myself so easily negotiate away my standards and needs. I KNEW I was in big trouble. I rarely feel that way and I wanted more of it. The chemical reactions happening in your body when there is attraction are like drugs!!! It’s so incredibly powerful. I made sure I told my closest friends so they could hold me accountable. I worked with my coach to help me disconnect and protect myself. It felt like a battle to pull myself away from this guy (and we never even went on a date). We ran into each other all the time at Starbucks and almost daily at the gym we both worked out at. My point is, I understand how powerful the connection is. I understand the suffering. I also understand when it’s not enough. I also understand creating a fantasy around someone that is not realistic and how that fantasy is much stronger than reality. It’s a lot of work to switch to reality and let go of the fantasy, but you can do it. If you don’t want to hurt anymore and if you want to get out of suffering, you have to throw yourself a lifeline. Get some help. Face your pain on your own. Start developing your skillset to work with your emotions instead of letting them take over your entire being. It’s time for your adult to step into the driver’s seat and take control. Your adult is the ONLY one who can help you heal and put your little girl in the back seat, which is where she belongs.
Heidi
Oh goodness. I am soooo so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s awful to be stonewalled like that.
Would you mind sharing more detail?
1. How long have you been together?
2. Is this his typical response when something goes wrong? Does he have a habit of not wanting to talk things through with you?
3. What happened? I imagine you have some idea that would cause this kind of reaction.
4. Are YOU happy in this relationship? It’s entirely possible to love someone but not like the relationship you both create together. So if you were to rate how happy you are with him as your partner…on average, what number would you give your happiness on a scale of 1-10? (10 being entirely happy, 1 being completely and utterly unhappy).When someone is stonewalling you, it’s important to let them be and respect the boundary they have set. Even though it’s awful, it’s a really good time to take a good look in the mirror and work with all the feelings you have that are being triggered by his rejection. It’s also a good time to really consider if this is the kind of man you want to fight for. He is not fighting for himself, therefore can’t fight for you and that makes him a pretty difficult kind of partner. If he is doing this now, he will do it again…and my guess is, he has done this before on various levels.
Do you have anyone who you can talk about this with? Any support from friends or family?
Heidi
Because he never let anyone in his life during all this years, but he let me… he chased me for so long.. and I still don’t understand fully. Does a men do all this just for a one time sex then dump?
What did he actually felt during our time together? He showed so much excitement in the times we made some time to be by ourselves (which was really hard because of the kids), then now it just feels like I was nothing at all First of all, it doesn’t matter what he has done the past 6 years. You don’t know it’s 100% true and honestly, I am not convinced. Regardless, none of the reasons really matter. All that matters is that he has done this. I understand that your mind wants to put his behaviors into a box that makes sense for you. The reality is, it’s all just a guessing game, because the only answers are inside his head. So…being that you will probably never get the full understanding behind his choices and actions, all you have to deal with is what actually happened. What happened is that he drew you in, connected with you, told you how special you were in various ways, then retracts all of that and pulls away saying he “thought” you were on the same page about not wanting a relationship without ever being honest right from the beginning with you. His actions and his words are NOT aligned and that is all you need to know. The “why” behind it, doesn’t matter, so let your mind rest in trying to figure him out and just deal with the facts…he is NOT a good partner.So it seems day to day, apart from taking care of my two kids, work and study, gym, I have nothing to look out for. No joy. No plans. I am just so sad, then I miss him. I miss him texting daily and making plans with the kids… that just suddenly disappeared from my life too. I want to encourage you to create a different perspective you. Everything you have said is about what you don’t have instead of looking at what you DO have. And what you DO have are you beautiful kids, your freedom and not being in an emotionally abusive relationship anymore, you are studying for something to give yourself more purpose in your life, you GET TO workout and go to the gym vs. many people who are not even able to do that. There is joy everywhere. There are beautiful flowers in bloom, I have no doubt you love your children and can easily find joy with them, you can find joy in the benefits you get from going to the gym, you can find joy in the strength you had to get away from your ex-husband, you can find joy EVERYWHERE. You just need to be willing to focus your attention on the joy instead of getting sucked into the energy of suffering from this loss.
What is important to understand is that all your sadness and hurt is not just about him, but it’s about ALL the baggage full of hurt and low self-esteem you have carried for years. His rejection is triggering a lifetime full of hurt and that’s why you are feeling depressed to the level you are. It would be a really good idea to work with your therapist again and start to clear the junk out.
Heidi
Hi Viviane,
You are really going through a lot. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this rejection. I know how badly it hurts the heart to have a guy not fight for you. The thing is, this is a blessing in disguise. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, as all you can feel is hurt, but I hope that at some point, you will be able to connect to and see the gifts in this experience.
It was NO mistake that you brought up what you did about your feelings. You did not scare him away! His commitment to be single forever was there long before you entered the picture and it’s a MAJOR red flag that he didn’t communicate that to you from the beginning. He was quite irresponsible to lead you on the way he did. To connect to the level that he did, ANY woman would have been drawn in and feel like he was interested in investing in a relationship at some point. He is in fantasy land if he thinks he can treat women this way and not have them want more. So again, he is either completely naive (which I doubt) to think you wouldn’t want more from him or he was incredibly uncaring about your precious heart and wanted what he wanted (sex and affection) knowing it would end at some point, so he let it go on as long as possible. RED FLAG!!!!
Also, the fact that he has committed to never be in a relationship again because of his past, all that tells me is the is incredibly fearful, has no idea how to forgive and release the hurt from the past and that makes him NOT a good partner. If he is holding onto his past this strongly, that he is committed to never love again…he is incredibly emotionally fragile. EVERYONE has heartbreak. EVERYONE has stories about how their hearts have been obliterated by love. Most people want to move on. Most people are willing to try again. This guy has completely shut himself down, so he is letting his past, rob him of joy and connection in his future. This is DEFINITELY not a guy you would ever want to let into your inner circle. He holds onto his pain for dear life and doesn’t forgive and that sets up any relationship for failure. Relationships are full of abandonment, rejection, hurt, betrayal…it’s normal! If a person does not choose forgiveness every single time, then the relationship will never last. This is one of the main reasons I am telling you that him “rejecting” you was a gift. He is not partner material. He is not actually rejecting you….he is rejecting himself. He is rejecting love. He is rejecting connection. He is rejecting happiness. He is NOT rejecting you.
I can’t stop hoping he will regret and reach out to me again. Let him go Viviane. Regardless of how you feel, it’s not enough to make a relationship work and last. He is NOT available for you in the way you need. You are also carrying A LOT of emotional baggage, which makes you not very equipped to be in a healthy relationship either.
I want to encourage you to get help. You left an abusive marriage and that is HORRIBLE what you had to endure. You have been demoralized, reduced to nothing, beaten down physically and emotionally…and that means you are going to have a lot of low self-esteem…it’s impossible not to. It’s your low self-esteem that kept you with him in the first place. So you leave your marriage and immediately jump into connecting with this guy, all the while not having to feel the pain you carry, because this new guy made you feel so amazing. The truth is, you need to learn to feel amazing all on your own, so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship or with a guy who does not value your heart. Would you consider working with a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse?
Thoughts?
Heidi
