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It’s actually not a common thing for a man to feel when his ability to make money has been taken away.
Like I said earlier…the core of man’s self esteem is his ability to produce. It is SOOOOOOO powerful for them. Just like our core of self esteem is about connection and relationship. And that is why YOU could totally stay connected and be filled by relationship with him and not have a job…and be okay. That is why he cannot. I have seen it over and over and over again. It’s one of the most spectacular ways that men and women are built differently.
He will not feel worthy of your love until he gets his shit together and can start producing money. It is just something he has to do. And I guarantee, he doesn’t have any awareness of the depths of what he is facing and why. All he knows is that the amount of low self esteem he is feeling is BIG enough to cause him to take action to break up with you. It’s happened to me a handful of times. I would be dating a guy and it was going sooooo well…then bam! Something happened with their job and they became completely unavailable and would pull back so quickly. I always just had to let them go, because they had to take the journey back to finding themselves again…without me going on…as it is very painful on the receiving end. I have worked with couples where the husband got laid off….give it enough time and the husband starts to plunge into depression and all kinds of problems start to arise.
I am so sorry Joseline. Sleep away! It’s wonderful isn’t it? You don’t have to hurt. You just keep fighting for yourself 1 second at a time. Before you know it, you will find yourself laughing again at something. Maybe think about volunteering at an animal shelter, or go visit some puppies or kitties….animals can be EXTREMLY helpful in the healing process.
This is not your fault. He must figure this out by himself. It will actually make him stronger to do so. Unfortunately, he is losing a great love in the meantime…sometimes people need to lose the love so they can find themselves. I’m just so sorry!
Heidi
Hi Karla!
Well done! I think it is ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT skills to have…asking for objectivity. You are super smart by making that priority as we ALL misread things sooooo many times. So good job!
If you have any other questions, or just want to keep us updated, we would love to hear more from you!
Heidi
Yes! I think it’s great you can tell him, or anyone else, to sod off! It’s YOUR process! I might feel differently about someone who was less aware of themselves…. but you are wonderfully emotionally intelligent, you look at the core issues, you are willing to learn, you reach out for help, you are VERY active in your growth and your path. So personally, if you were my friend, I would grab some popcorn and just sit back and relax and watch the show…because I trust your process. You are connected to the truth of the situation…and even the dysfunctions that exist. You are working with them and that….more than anything….is what is wonderful about the whole thing.
Well done Stefanie!!!
Heidi
Hi Tina!
Wow! What a story!!! So interesting!!!! and challenging.
Just a quick question….do you know why your awesome guy has pulled away again? You said you had a wonderful reunion and that he expressed how he felt. What happened?
As far as breaking up with your current boyfriend, there is NO POSSIBLE way to not destroy him. He is just going to hurt. He is so in love with you that breaking up with him is just going to hurt. If he is destroyed in the process, that is on him….not you. The ONLY thing you are responsible for is to be authentic and true to your self. And if that means that you want to break up with him, then he deserves that honesty. The longer you wait, the more time he loses to deal with the hurt and move on in his life. Let him go and find someone who feels as passionate for him as he feels for them. He deserves that!
I do question his reaction to you admitting your heart belongs to someone else. There is something a bit off that would cause him to fall in love with you more vs. pulling back a bit and really looking at the truth of the situation. Either he has some fantasies or something different going on that makes him excited about his lady being with another man, or….I don’t know. His response is something I would want to explore to find out what’s going on inside of his psyche to respond in that way.
So let us know what happened that caused him to disconnect and we can better guide you from there.
Heidi
Hi Natalie!
Thank you for writing in and sharing your heart troubles with us. I can feel your hurt and desperate need to change the situation. I’m glad you are asking or an outside opinion and deciding to educate yourself a little more.
I know you have a strong feeling towards him and he is all you can think about and that you believe he is your “person.” The danger in that type of thinking is that much of it is fantasy. You have been on 5 dates and that is not near enough time to know someone enough to find out if you are safe with them, whether they treat you well under stress, whether they handle life in similar ways as you do. It sounds like you gave your complete heart to him….when he didn’t really earn it. I have had VERY strong feelings for someone before too….right from the very beginning. However, as strong as those feelings were, as much as there was potential for us to become a wonderful couple, I held back A LOT so I could get to know how we functioned together. Over time, I discovered things about him that would not work for me in a relationship and I had to let him go. Relationship / love needs time under stress and tension, time built with memories, time to build a friendship. And it sounds like, from what you said his reaction was, that you didn’t really allow any space for development….it sounds like you might have jumped in head first into the deep end.
He said you needed to see someone for help. What happened within the 5 dates that would make him feel that way about you?
At this point, if you ever have a chance at getting him back, you let him have his space and leave him alone. You respect his boundary. THEN….you start working on yourself. Do you have anxiety / depression challenges? If you do, it might be a good idea to work with a specialist so you can find your bearings! At the same time, I too have been told I was many different things that I didn’t necessarily agree with. After talking about those things with my coach and asked for accountability, clarity, her thoughts….I found my own resolution and decided NOT to agree with what was said. So I’m not sure if you agree or disagree with his perception. Either way…that’s a pretty strong impression he has of you from such a short amount of time knowing you.
What do you think about his impression? How do you feel about giving him space for right now and working on what is going on in your actions that is causing and impression like that?
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
Thanks for your response! There are some things I didn’t communicate very well, so let me explain a little further. I’ll address the teaching thing first and the “you” type of communication vs. “I.” You are right in asking, how is he supposed to learn about me if I don’t teach him? Yes…there is still teaching that needs to occur in a relationship for sure. The difference is, you want to teach him about YOU instead of teaching him about HIMSELF. It has a very different vibe to it.
Here is an example: In this statement, you are making statement that are defining who he is. Anytime you start a statement with “you are this or that…” that’s a pretty common way to activate someone’s defenses as well as communicating to him that you know him better than he even knows himself.
“I don’t know if it’s because you are hurt, angry, afraid I’m going to rake you over the coals, or something else entirely, but you have a pattern of not taking responsibility for inconsiderate and hurtful things that you do. You have a pattern of getting defensive and turning it back on me. Maybe you truly just don’t see it.”
So another way to say the same exact thing that might open him up a bit more and feel less attacked, would be:
“I am wondering something about you and I need your help teaching me about what is happening inside of you. I am picking up on a pattern where when I tell you something that you have done that has been hurtful for me, it feels like you get defensive. Am I saying it in a way that makes you feel defensive, or maybe it’s just really hard for you to learn that I am feeling hurt by something you said or did. I know I get defensive sometimes when I find out I’ve hurt someone. I want to understand you better and want you to teach me about what is going on inside of you. I want to be able to express my hurt feelings in a way that maybe can activate your empathy and your heart vs. activating your need to defend yourself.”
See the difference? HE teaches you about himself vs. you teaching him about himself. This is even where your wonderful ability and love of diving deep can come in handy. Many times as I am taking someone deeper in themselves, I know the answers about themselves before they do…HOWEVER, I don’t know the details of why those are the answers. So that’s where my line of questioning and curiosity comes in. You can ask him questions about things you see and slowly take him deeper and deeper and let him uncover the details as to the “why” behind his reactions. You would be a great guide for him in that way. Men have a trickier time navigating those areas of the heart, which is where woman can be instrumental in creating change and growth for them. Many times, as you ask him the questions that connect him to his deeper self, he might start doing it himself because he is learning the kinds of questions to ask himself.
In regards to comparing you to my college boyfriend, I didn’t at all mean to compare the actual amount of fighting and discord to your situation. I was more comparing myself to you and the comfortableness with the “push/pull” dynamic in the relationship. I see now, that it did not come across that way, so I definitely could have said that better.
In regards to your friend who tore you apart for your choice because he would rather have you for himself….ha! he sure pulled out every possible angle to get you to “grow up” so to speak and find a REAL man! He sure is hurting. Most of what he said has grains of truth in it, but true or not, this younger guy is part of your journey and that is your choice….and you are the type of person that takes every advantage of growth no matter the situation you are in….so in essence, your “friend” is not trusting you to handle your process as you see fit. He too was telling you how you are vs. being curious about the deeper things that were driving you towards taking this path with a younger gent….he is not seeing you for who you really are….of course because he wants you and doesn’t want to be your friend.
So back to your question…let him guide you to inner self. When he hurts you, you teach him about YOU vs. telling him what he is doing wrong. So again, the statement “When you do this…..it causes me to feel like this.” That is a teaching statement about YOUR reaction to a choice he is making.
Hopefully this makes more sense. Does this help???
Heidi
HI Joseline,
I know how confusing this is. There is a point when closure is really needed and it’s time to get off the rollercoaster. It sounds like you are at that point.
He is just very split right and now and it probably has mostly to do with him….and not you. His deciding to leave has nothing to do with him not loving you. It’s why he is still connecting, because he also is having a hard time letting you go. So 1 side of him really loves you and connects with you and wants you in his life and the other side is afraid of something. Who knows what exactly that is, but it doesn’t really matter. Both side battle to be in the driver’s seat. Side 1 was in the driver’s seat for 5 months….now side 2 took over and broke up…but side 1 is still connecting with you and side 1 is still trying to fight, on some level, to keep you in his life. Side 1 is who wants you to promise to meet with him when he is ready. Side 2 however, is still in control as he still not choosing to come back.
It’s madness being on the other end of this!!! It’s confusing and you don’t really know what to believe. I tell people to believe ALL of it, because all of it is true for the person. Fear and love can exist in the same exact space. Love and hate can exist in the same space.
I think it’s a wise decision for you to choose to disconnect for now and let yourself have a break. The rollercoaster is so painful and as long as you are on it, it’s just going to keep hurting. Getting off the rollercoaster would be the most kind and loving thing you can do for yourself. It’s one of the hardest decisions EVER and hurts so badly however, you will be on the path towards healing. As long as you are on the rollercoaster, there is no way of healing completely.
So this is what I suggest: You can send him a message and say something like this:
“I love you. It hurts so bad to love you right now because it is a love that, for right now, that does not have the space to grow and expand and be fed. I am ready to accept that now. I have no doubt that you love me in return. I know that you deeply care. I also know that you are making this decision for yourself and that, for whatever reason, is something you must go through without me and I will honor that. This means that I need to disconnect completely and go take care of myself and let my heart heal. This means that I need you to no longer contact me. Please care for me enough to let me heal and let you go. Who knows what the future will hold, but that doesn’t really matter right now. What matters is that I start to come to terms that my life is without you now and it’s time for me to move on. I truly wish for you to work through everything you need right now and get everything you are searching for. It was a wonderful adventure with you and I will always be grateful. Take care.”
How does something like that make you feel??
I am so sorry joseline. It’s going to be a tough season for a bit. time will heal. It’s very important right now, that you really love and care for yourself. It’s really important that you see friends, go do fun activities, really nourish your soul as you heal.
Heidi
Joseline,
I want to REALLY encourage you to not take that route…at least not yet. You are angry and hurt and you want to FORCE your way into seeing him. You are breaking a boundary of his and this most likely will cause his walls to go waaaaaay up. You don’t need to see him to have closure. I know it feels that way, but it’s just simply not true. Many people are able to have closure and heal without needing to see the person. Sometimes a parent dies without the kid being able to have closure, or sometimes someone just moves away and the people left behind don’t have closure face to face, so they have to figure out a way to heal all on their own.
I want to really encourage you to think about the kind of response you want from. You want him open and able to hear you, yes? Do you really think that is the kind of response you get by catching him off guard, in his space, without having invited you over???? I know if someone did that to me, there is no possible way we would have a conversation when they just crossed a clear boundary I created. It’s disrespectful and all that person is thinking about is themselves and not me as well.
So I encourage you to take a breath. DO NOT GO OVER there tomorrow and lets work on a better way to approach this. You have time! There is no rush here. If you go over tomorrow, you will be full of steam and anger and not thinking clearly. Your emotions will be running wild and all that is likely to happen is you vomiting all your hurt feelings onto him.
At the very least, if you decide to go tomorrow regardless, then I suggest you go with a calm mind, calm spirit and be kind and respectful towards him. That is your best bet! No fighting, no yelling, just talking….if he lets you in. If he doesn’t let you in, then be respectful and leave without being mean or hurtful towards him.
If you somehow find the strength to NOT go, let’s talk about this more! Let’s talk about a different way to get your needs met that doesn’t cross any boundaries. Let’s talk about ways you can create closure for yourself.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Joseline,
I’m little confused, because I thought it was clear that he wanted to break up and is clear that he does not want to see you. So what else do you need to know from him in order for you to move on?
Maybe it’s confusing because he still connects with you quite a bit.
I imagine you want to be face to face with him and have him say it to your face? Is that what you are after?
Heidi
Hi Again!
Man you crack me up! I understand your concern. I want to invite you to reread your very last message and look at the deeper question here….what you are REALLY needing from him…and it’s not a good gift.
First off, shame on you for sending that picture to your coder friends so you could see what it was!!!! hahaha! It reminds me of me when I opened presents one time before xmas and re-wrapped them! Can you just let him surprise you??? It’s good for you!
Now…instead of focusing on the gift and whether or not it will be something “delightfully” worthy, focus on the energy behind it. It’s not different than a mom receiving a drawing from her kid that he drew at school. Because it has meaning for their child, it has meaning for them. It’s the same here. He obviously has thought about you and is showing you that he cares…IN HIS WAY. Whether or not it’s a gift you love, all you need to do is go into your HEART and NOT YOUR HEAD. Your heart will feel the connection with him. Your heart will appreciate his efforts, his gesture, his version of caring about you. If you cannot feel moved by him SHOWING you that he cares and is expressing it through a gift HE feels is worth of you….then YOU FAKE IT!!!! And then you really work on whatever it is that is blocking you from connecting your heart to his. TAKE A BREAK FROM TEACHING HIM!!! No more teaching him how he can be better for you. NO more teaching him how he needs to talk differently, or ask you more questions, or give you different gifts. Man…it’s so funny saying this to you because I have had to say that to myself sooooo many freakin times before! haha! Anyways…give it a shot!!! Can you go an entire month without correcting him, criticizing him, telling him ways he needs to be different, or teaching him IN ANY FORM, how he could be better or different for you? NO OBSERVATIONS! I’m curious how you would feel! I’m curious how that could change the dynamic between you guys. I’m curious what you guys would talk about?
I’m obviously going off of past conversations, but I recognize your “system” as I have been there. I had a boyfriend in college and we were electric together!!! Man we loved each other like crazy and we fought like crazy! 4-5 times a day mostly. It was crazy!!! Super long story short…I remember when we went to AZ to hang with his parents and we had literally gone 2 weeks without 1 single argument. I was walking somewhere and had this private realization ALONG WITH another awareness that I was all of a sudden finding myself searching for something to fight about. It was such a subtle, small, almost subconscious thing that I barely became aware of…but somehow caught it…and then magnified that thought and need to fight with him. WOW!!!! It was a huge realization how much I had just gotten used to fighting…and every fight was usually about me confronting him about something he needed to work on….AND how much I needed to take responsibility for how I was contributing. Anyways….I realized how I needed to become addicted to peace and ease, instead of fighting or teaching or challenging him.
So for now….as far as the gift is concerned….don’t you dare ruin it for yourself by trying to figure out what it is before he is ready to tell you. Give him that gift by being authentically surprised! And focus on the effort and excitement he has for you….so that not matter what the gift is, even if it is lame….you get into your heart and you appreciate him fully and completely for his efforts.
Make sense?
Heidi
Oh! got it!
I understand your anger sooooo well! You are obviously reaching a point where you are losing your patience. Has something happened? Did he say something to make you angry? Or are you just tired of this and need some type of closure?
Heidi
I’m not sure if you are saying that you are just going to go see him and not take any of our guidance to let him have his space. You absolutely have that choice! If that is what you are going to do no matter what, I want to encourage you to think about a few things first.
1. What is your goal by going to see him? Meaning, what are you hoping to have happen by seeing him?
2. What do you plan on saying to him?
3. If you stop by unannounced, are you doing it at a place that is okay for him? Hopefully you do not plan to stop by his work as that could cause a lot of anger and upset and embarrassment for him.What don’t you need in your life? What is “this”? You mean you don’t need the guidance we are offering? Maybe what I wrote this last time was really frustrating for you and ineffective. I know you want to know how to fix things with your guy and I mostly talked about you instead…and maybe that upset you?
More clarification would be helpful.
Hope to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Karla!
I would agree with Kanya. He is saying he cares about you and in a very sweet way. I am wondering if you guys are long distance or do you get to hang out in person as well??
While you guys are developing your friendship, you can still use a lot of the techniques taught in this program. You can find ways to always appreciate him (show him through action AND tell him), you can ask for help with something so he can feel like a hero with you and most of all, continue to become closer and closer as friends. It’s one of the best ways to start a relationship! I would also suggest, if you feel it appropriate, is to flirt a little as well. Being that you still have a desire to be with him at some point, you can encourage the idea by flirting a little bit here and there…throw in compliments to let him know you find him sexy, or attractive, or desirable. That can help keep the flame at least lit a little instead of letting it go completely out.
What do you think about that?
Heidi
Hi April,
Yes…it’s possible, but many times is a lot of work. The more the differences are on the opposite ends of the spectrum, the more difficult it can be. I too am introverted and have worked REALLY well with extroverted guys….BUT I am a very good connector and can be comfortable socializing etc. So as much as we functioned differently in the world, it was similar enough to not be an issue or challenge.
My concern is, it’s only been a month and you guys are already voicing frustrations. I wonder if that foreshadows what is to come should you guys choose to take this journey together.
I want to address you first. Are you willing to face your fear and anxiety about connecting? Are you willing to face your fear about meeting other people?
If you are not a talker or connect well, it can cause someone who is extroverted and very socially confident, to feel starved. It’s not your fault though. It might be a better thing to find someone closer to how you function and same for him too. Unless you BOTH are willing to compromise and grow. He can learn how to appreciate and be comfortable with silence more and you could learn how to be more connective and talkative. That way, you guys are meeting in the middle and that makes functioning together soooo much easier.
But it’s really up to you. It’s just a lot of work and fears you will need to face regardless. Is that something you are willing to go through?
Heidi
