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Hi Helen,
This is a tough one. If he won’t respond to your messages and you have never met before…there is not a lot of ground to stand on. Anything can happen though! Let’s see if we can find a way to engage him.
The first thing I would want to do is just to gather information. Have those people you know, just inquire about him. Learn anything you can about him…no need to have them set you guys up. Can you find out what his activities are? Is there a gym he goes to? Are there events / groups that he likes to attend? Is there anything you could find out to where you happen to show up at the same place for something??
If this guys has seen your messages, you have made some very clear attempts to let him know you would like to connect. For whatever reason, he is not responding….and maybe it is because you guys were really well connected and got along well. He may feel very scared of that….especially after 2 marriages that didn’t work out very well. This may take some time. I am wondering if on FB you could ask him for advice somehow….like where a good restaurant is, or what is a good movie to see, or what are his thoughts about something….You will have an idea about who he is by what he posts, so maybe there is something that he posts that you can then ask him a question about or ask for advice about. You want to do something where you can engage him in a way that feels safe to him, so asking innocent questions like that might just be where you have to start….and hopefully will build into a conversation. If he feels like you aren’t chasing him at all, he may just come out of his shell.
What do you think?
Hi Catherine!!
Oh no! I’m really curious what he did in the moment? What did you do??
If you feel you want to see this guy again, I DEFINITELY would explain that. You could say something like, “I am so embarrassed. I know I blurted out I love you and that probably scared the crap out of you and made you distance yourself. I didn’t mean it like that. I actually say that a lot with my friends during moments where I am having a lot of fun….so I said it out of pure habit, but I didn’t mean it in a heartfelt “I’m in love with you” kind of way. You, of course can disappear anyways, but just in case that phrase was what put you off, I wanted to at least clarify what happened and hope you can look past that moment and not take it seriously.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Helen!
Thank you for sharing your situation! Wow! This is strange. So you know for sure he is seeing your messages then? I wonder if he is just plain embarrassed about what happened last time and is scared for you to see him or even ask him what happened. He may just be plain scared of relationship in general since he has not been very successful with them. Many times, guys (or people I should say) are on the dating sites saying they want a relationship, but no really. Guys know it will attract a woman when he says something like that. But in reality, they are just wanting attention (at the very least).
Can you ask in your circle of friends what his status is? I know that you know some about his life, but could anyone in your circle get more detailed info.? It’s be good to know what his mindset is right now.
It’s not a bad idea to post something with you talking in it. It will help him get a “feel” about who you are and what you are like in person. You guys live 1 hour apart?? Have you ever met in person and gone on some dates?
You can send a message via messenger and he should be able to see it on his computer….I know I can. But because I don’t have the app on my phone, I obviously just get an email saying that I have a message and I need to download the app to see it.
Once you share more details, it will help to know what is the best way to guide you.
Welcome! We are super glad to have you here!!!
Heidi
Hi Melodie,
Try https://www.levelconnections.com It can’t hurt 🙂 You never know!
I LOVE your attitude! Don’t you dare give up! Someone will find you valuable and can’t imagine his life without you.
Do you have any questions? You are here because you are looking to learn. Do you have anything specific you are wanting to learn? Do you have any inclination of what has stopped you from falling in love?
Heidi
Hi Nari,
I wonder if he is attracted to his friend. Being that he is such a good communicator and all of a sudden having this strange behavior, being attracted to another man would be something worthy of not talking and disappearing and not reaching out to you after breaking up. Is there a way to maybe find out??? It might be difficult as I imagine if this were true, he would be keeping it very private and secret. But maybe there is a way to find out what’s really going on.
I understand you need some closure. There are a few things you could do. If you feel it’s okay, you could always write them a letter and mail it to them. I prefer writing over emailing. It’s more personal and can tend to be more expressive than emailing. They would take it more seriously since no one writes anymore. It would catch their attention on some level. There is however, a way to create closure without speaking to them. In reality, not everyone gets to have closure because maybe someone dies, or leaves the country or completely disconnects and disappears. I have had to do this myself. I do write my feelings down on paper….then I will burn them or one of my favorites is tying that letter to a few helium balloons and watching them float away, symbolizing that I am letting them go. You can even do something as simple as blowing up a balloon with the feelings of your emotions. Imagine blowing up the balloon with all the words you wish you could say…then when it is full, you pop it with a needle and let the feelings go. Forgiveness is always essential and key to this process as well. It’s layered too. You may need to do things like this a handful of times before you finally feel like you have shifted and feel more freedom to move forward.
Maybe at some point, he will be willing to be honest with you. Again, if he has found himself attracted to his BFF, that might be a really hard thing for him to admit to, especially if it’s the first time he has felt that way.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Tessa,
I sure know what you are feeling! When you get sick enough of all that you are doing for others…you will start to finally make changes. I know you feel like that now, but unfortunately you have an incredibly high pain tolerance with a lot of endurance. You most likely are not in enough pain to make changes at the moment.
I too had a SUPER HIGH pain tolerance. I used to view that as quite healthy actually. I would stay in relationships too long because I was wanting to master my issues and feelings…all the while I would keep getting emotionally drained…over and over and over again. Then my coach one day really confronted me and said that health is about having a LOW pain tolerance….not a high pain tolerance. Low pain tolerance means that I would actually value my heart sooooo much that when pain shows up, I get uncomfortable instead of trying to master it. Today…my pain tolerance is very low. The moment my life starts to become dramatic, hard, chaotic on any level, I am immediately looking to correct that instead of stay in it and master it.
Here is an analogy you may understand. Imagine there is a snake pit. I would see it and many times know exactly what I was walking into and I would jump right in. I would get bit over and over again, but I would stay in it the pit thinking I could master the pain of the snake bite and somehow change the situation! Never worked of course. Now, I see a snake pit and I avoid it completely….I have learned my lesson. I had to get into enough pain though to finally take some action. People many times sit before me and tell me, I AM HURTING, I AM IN ENOUGH PAIN….yet they are not willing to make the changes necessary to get out of that snake pit….and I look at them and say, you know you are in enough pain when you are willing to do what you will not do right now. As you get healthier and healthier though, you avoid going to those levels of pain. You see it coming and you no longer wait until you are in enough pain to make the changes….you make the changes now so you don’t have to feel that way anymore. I realized I was really drawn to and addicted to challenge instead of peace.
As far as having a lot to heal….I get that. Here is a good way to tackle that though….trust that God will show you what needs to be dealt with at the time. I have a GAZILLION issues….like everybody else. But if you start to pay attention, there will usually be a “theme” that shows up. THAT is all you need to work on in the moment. And that’s how you chip away at it. Right now, the theme for you is your tendency to live for others and not yourself. It’s something you and I have been talking about and it’s like the light is shining on this area of your life at the moment. So that is what you focus on….when you start to make the changes you can in this area, then something else will show up for you to work on. Don’t think about tackling ALL of it! That’s going to stop you from moving because it’s just too much. Does this make sense?
I love Brene Brown videos. Check her out!
And thank you so much for saying how you felt about my responses. It truly warms my heart to know that what I have been through can help someone else….like the book you could write! It makes my life and all I have been through, worth it!
Keep checking in! I am enjoying this conversation!!!
Heidi
Hi Mary!
Yuk! I’m sorry you have to deal with this ex-wife who is not very kind. She is doing a good job of ruining his happiness. It’s funny how strength can disappear when it comes to certain people and relationships. I too am very strong, but have had times where all my strength just disappears in front of certain people. No doubt she has said mean things over and over and over again over the years, to wear away on his self esteem. And it’s going to take A LOT for him to finally stand up to her. She, in and of itself, is a HUGE stressor for him, then he has to face his finances, then he has to face an unhappy partner. It’s a lot, so no wonder he pulled back.
It’s important to support him in what he is doing. You telling him what he needs to do with his wife is not going to give him his power. It’s you telling him what to do vs. talking with him, suporting him, building him up to have the strength to make that choice on his own. You are seeing a side of him that is passive and co-dependent (meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself). His ex wife obviously takes advantage of this. I understand you are protective and don’t want her around, of course. The best way to do this is to let it go and let him figure out how to make that happen. He has got to fight for himself and learn how to set boundaries once and for all. You cannot do that for him. She is not a threat to you. Can you let him struggle through this and be that person that is there to listen and support him through the process?
How does that make you feel?
We can get into the next steps in a bit, but I just want to know what you are willing to do first before we continue. She is not going to go away and he may not learn how to set boundaries as fast as you want him to. Is that okay for you?
Heidi
I imagine you take pulic transportation to get places…yes? Maybe you can ask him to accompany you somewhere….maybe somewhere at night….and you want him to help you feel safe.
Maybe you could ask for help finding a birthday present for someone? Is he a good cook? He could maybe help you with a recipe?
It’s hard for me to offer suggestions because I don’t know either of the details of your lives, but hopefully you are getting the idea. You want to find something that would inspire him to come over and see you or at least have some continued contact somehow over text or phone. It gets them connecting with you.
You said he still trains….you mean working out at the gym? That could be a good category….asking him for help with exercise somehow. Maybe you could say, “my knee hurts when I do lunges. What am I doing wrong?” And maybe you could eventually get him to show you what’s wrong in person???
Heidi
My apologies Martine. You had asked what you should do and if you should just let go and what was happening. so I was coming from that perspective.
In order to activate his hero instinct, you want to think of something that would cause him to see you or connect with you further. The attempt you made was a good idea, howeve it didn’t quite pan out, because he was able to simply answer the question.
Since you don’t have a car, could you maybe ask him for a ride somewhere? Or maybe he can pick something up for you and bring it to your house?
Hi Martine,
I know this is confusing. Let me explain it this way. He is most likely split. Meaning he has 1 side that wants to fall in love and have a relationship and another side that doesn’t. Whomever is in the driver’s seat, is who is making the decisions for him. So essentially, that side that is scared, confused, has negative belief systems about himself and women….that is who is in charge of his life. The other side that connects with you, cares about you, feels for you, is in the back seat and does not have enough power in his life to make the decisions. When he is connecting with you, reaching out towards you, that is his side that is in the back seat. So his decision to not want a relationship has NOTHING to do with how he actually feels for you, It just mean that his fears are more powerful than how he feels about you. If he were to create a life with you, it would mean facing all those fears….something he is not willing to do at this point.
When he has THAT much fear, it means that he may never face it. No matter what you do or say or be for him….it will not take those walls down. HE has to be the one to take those walls down. It is not for you do, even if you could. This is HIS internal struggle that is holding him captive. Not to say that he can’t face it, but if he is even willing to let you go as a friend and not fight for you, then that tells me he is not ready to take that journey.
You, of course, can hang around and keep trying and hoping. That is your choice and your journey. I tend to coach people with what is happening NOW and not what “could be.” It’s a dangerous game to play trying to wait around for something to “potentially” happen. However, it’s a path many take anyways and that’s okay too.
If you want to continue down this path, it means being his friend. It means continuing to do everything you already have been doing. The challenge is, it is going against YOUR needs. He is giving you everything he is willing to give you. He could most likely head back into the sex arrangement. He may get closer and closer, but will only end up doing the same exact thing and that is creating distance again because he is too afraid. This has nothing to do with you. If anything, the fact that he IS afraid tells you that he has strong feelings for you. If he didn’t feel very much for you, he would hav nothing to be afraid of. Again, this is not about YOUR behavior or doing anything different….this is about him being willing to face his fears.
Have you ever talked to him about why he is so afraid? What makes him not good relationship material? How does he feel about having cancer?
If there is insight into “why” those fears exist, it may help you understand what you are really up against.
He is incredibly lucky to have you. You are really good for him and it sounds like he knows that. He, however, has convinced himself to keep those giant walls up and you are wanting in. If you ever do get in, even just a little more, it will mean a lot of the same things you already have been doing….staying his friend, being supportive, becoming best friends! It takes a lot of time to do that anyways….however, there is no guarantee it will shift anything. If you can keep that perspective and stay very present in the moment and enjoy his company for whatever he offers and nothing more….then you have more of chance to see where things could go.
Heidi
Hi Martine,
This is a tough one! You have some pretty big walls stacked up against you. You said that the cancer was serious, but I”m wondering if that was a typo.
How long has he had the cancer? How is he feeling? Is he slowly getting worse that you see? Do you know what kind of cancer it is?
I’m curious because a lot of treatments can cause serious mood swings, along with, of course, facing death and what that means.
I think it’s best for you to accept that he does not want a relationship. Even if he did not have all this going on, it’s important to really HEAR what someone is telling you. He is a guy….therefore much more capable of having a physical relationship without all the emotions attached….not so easy for us ladies.
If you do continue to place yourself in ths situation, you are on a path full of rejection and hurt. If he were willing, that is a different story, but he is not….and is very clear about that. The reasons don’t matter. You are choosing to involve yourself with a man who is not available.
So the question really is….are you willing to take care of yourself over him? Are you willing to love yourself more than a guy who is up and down, unavailable and unpredictable?
Heidi
Hi Susan,
I am reallly sorry to hear this. Give it some time. Does your guy have a history of holding grudges at all? Or is this the first time you are seeing this side of him?
What is really important is to give his opinion and feelings some validation, if you already haven’t done that. He has a perception about your family that is based in credibility according to him. Have you ever discussed all of his thoughts about this? I imagine you have….I”m curious what his belief is based upon, if you are saying it’s not true.
Has your family tried to talk to make any efforts to clear up confusion?
I”m curious what has already been tried at this point.
HeidiHi Tessa,
Your limiting pattern is so normal! We all have something to work on! So you are doing a great job being aware and continuing to work on finding your balance. The more you chip away at it, the more you will find that healthy balance. I had 1 particular issue I worked on ALL the time!! Finally, after about 20 years, I shifted and I have been in heaven since!!! I know that’s a long time, but gosh darnit….I’m not going to stop until I find freedom!!
As far as your guy, I think it is sooooo wonderful that you had such an awesome time with each other!!! That’s just amazing!!!
Just stay present. That’s a mantra for ANY relationship! I am always reminded by Elizabeth who is the woman who wrote Eat, Pray, Love. She also wrote 1 book after that (I think it’s called “Committed”) about her marriage to that guy. VERY self aware!! They were happy for quite awhile. Then recently, I believe last year, her best friend got cancer and she was by her side for many many days trying to help her heal. Then Elizabeth realized she had fallen in love with her friend and asked for a divorce. Of course none of us know the details of it all, but what it reminds me of….is there is no guarantee….not even with how you are going to feel tomorrow. Life can change in a matter of seconds!!! So that’s why learning to fully and completely enjoy the MOMENT is the best way to enjoy your life and your love. There is nothing to do at the moment except take a step back, revel in the wonderful times you just had with him, and give him space to reach out again and create more moments.
Do you feel okay with this approach?
Heidi
Hi Nari!
Wow! You sure have been through a lot!!!How long have you guys been together?? So if I understand you correctly, the reason he distanced the first time was because he felt the wedding was too much pressure financially for him and that’s why he distanced?
I think it’s wise to consider his BFF being an influential factor. It’s definitely a pattern you want to watch and continue paying attention to.
I know the heart is fickle. There is always a battle between the higher, more knowledgable self and the lower, more emotional self. Your higher self knows you deserve better, your lower self doesn’t care and wants to move forward with this guy despite his choices to disappear.
Even if you do get him to contact you again and even if you guys end up happy again, it does not change that he is showing you a pattern of disappearing….it won’t matter even if you are married. He will do what he needs to do to get away. As long as you also show him your pattern that he CAN treat you that way, he will not feel any consequences to his choices.
This is your part of the journey. If you want this pattern to change, then you need to work on your end of things. What is it that is keeping you so tied to this guy who is disappearing on you? That is NO WAY for a relationhip to last, nor work. A lasting (and happy) relationship has good communication. Both people are invested in growing together. So when you do get back together, I suggest you both get 3rd party help to learn how to go through conflict together. He can say “I will never do this again etc.” but reality is, he will, unless he changes something inside of him that makes him run in the first place. Something is stopping him from being an adult and facing and being honest about whatever it is that he is feeling. Something is stopping you from requiring that in a relationship. You know you deserve better, so maybe it’s time to fight for it!
Have you tried asking him for help? It can activate his hero instinct is you say something like, “Hey…you have disappeared again.I have no idea why, but I actually do need some help with something. Would you be willing?”
What do you think of his BFF? Is he nice to you? Do you guys like each other?
Heidi
Hi! Good for you!!!! I know you are sooooo hurting right now, so facing this choice of yours takes an incredible amount of courage!!
I personally would just send him a message now. I would say something like, “I have finally decided to let go of the idea of you and me. It’s time for me to move on and heal. I will not be responding to your texts anymore and I will completely disappear. It is just what I need to do in order to allow myself to heal. I will also arrange for you to be taken off of my phone bill. I will be doing it this Friday. I truly wish you the best in your life!! Take care!”
It’s a bit optimistic to think you will be healed in a month’s time. I always tell people to NOT put a time limit on it. Everyone is so different in how they respond and how they heal. I typically heal pretty quickly, but my last relationship…took me a few years. So you just never know! That’s why I am saying to disconnect him from your bill NOW….do not wait. Cut all ties. As long as there is still that connection between the 2 of you…there is a connection.
I’m really proud of you! You are doing a very hard and brave thing right now.
Heidi
