[Heidi G]

Hi Sonja!

Thank you for writing in!!! I’m not sure how salvageable this is, but we can try!!

First, take a step back. If the “i love you” was too much for him, then make it a goal for him to feel safe with you again. I think it would be great if you took it back to the “friend” level. Take out the intimacy. As long as you are friends with benefits, it will be very hard for him to shift into anything else with you. So what if you spent time just developing the freindship??? No pressure, but just texting and laughing and getting to know each other. That way, he can focus on work for awhile and he doesn’t have to worry about being in a relationship at the same time. He can just enjoy connecting with you and getting to know you the way a relationship need to naturally develop. You can ask him all sort of interesting questions and just keep the conversation going. Do not talk about the relationship at all. Just focus on friendship and buidling connection. At least, that is where you can try to start.

Do you think he might respond to that approach?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Colleen!

You did a great job in your response! You didn’t pressure him at all….you just said if your schedule frees up I’d like to see you….that’s wonderful! Yes…if he sends you something, it’s a good idea to respond. He is the one initiating the contact, so that is great!!! Reward him by responding and connecting back. And then let him initiate again!

As far as not wanting to mess this up, I am wondering why you think you will. Do you feel you have that pattern? Reality is, you are going to mess up and so is he. The more we are able to just accept our humanness, then the more peaceful your experience will be. When FEAR of losing him if you are not perfect, is in the driver’s seat….that can create some havoc. You are not perfect and trying to be, just so you don’t lose someone….means he doesn’t get to see the REAL you….which is someone who is worth loveing and fighting for and getting to know EVEN though you mess up sometimes. Does this make sense?? How are you going to know that he fully and completely accepts you and cares about ALL of you unless he sees your not so pretty sides? And vice versa!!! That’s the juicy part of the relationship anyways….that’s where love can really flourish!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Martine!

He seems to have the pattern of really enjoying you when you guys are together, but also pretty good with seeing you every once in awhile. Again, your situation is sooooo tricky because he has cancer. That can influence how a person designs their day. Maybe he is a workaholic, but maybe that is the safest place for him to be and feel distracted and not think about anything. That is typically how men respond to stress….they distract themselves by “DOING” stuff….creating projects, making money, creating a legacy etc. So I am wondering if he is a workaholic now or if he has always been like that. That would be a good question to ask him.

You can ask him like this, “You know…I really value man’s drive and you have a lot of that. Is that just how you are and have always been like that? Or did you develop that side to yourself as you got older? Did anyone teach you to be that way (like a parent) or is it something that is just natural in you?”

I would not recommend, at least for right now, to ask him what he is thinking about you. I know you keep wondering, but from everything you have shared so far, it seems he has been pretty clear. He likes you and could someday see him with you, but he is not interested in a relationship….at least not for right now. You wonder how much he cares about you? He cares enough about you to connect with you every few weeks. He does not feel inspired to be in a relationship with you though. It sounds like he really likes having you around, but is okay with how the situation is. Again, I highly doubt it has anything to do with you specifically. The guys has some big walls up that were there before you came along. So asking him this type of question is most likely going to push him away. Being in his life means being friends and that means not asking those types of questions for now….

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kerry,

I am so sorry you are going through all of these ups and downs. It’s actually a very common story we hear at this forum. One day everything is great, then the next day, they are running for the hills! And it’s so frustrating and confusing!

Do you have any sense as to why he disappears? I know you said he is has walls up because of his ex-wife. Do you feel that is the only thing that is standing in the way? Or do you feel there are some challenges between you and him that could be contributing to his feeling like he can’t commit to you?

As far as the hot tub and deck, you can maybe present it in a playful fun way and see what happens….something like, “Hey….We haven’t talked in a week and I miss you. That’s all I know. Why don’t we have some fun together? I really would like the deck to get finished and I think it would be pretty great if you could teach me a thing or 2 and let me help you finish it. I will make a seriously amazing lunch, add in a few fresh baked chocolate chip cookies, mixed in with some dancin’ music….I’m thinking we could just have a fun day of it. We don’t have to talk about anything. I think it would just be fun to be around you and create with you. Besides…I love watching you work! ;)”

Do you think something like that could work? If not, what are some other ideas you might have to help him reconnect with you? We can help you word it in a way that could possibly help.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Claudia!
Thanks for writing in! Are you sure he is single? I mean, these days, you just never know. So many people lie about their status, because they can get away with it. Especially if they live in a different place. Is there a way to double check?

It’s wonderful to have that connection isn’t it?? He obviously felt excited to see you and connect with you as he made several attempts at trying to connect with you. I am wondering if inviting him on a trip was a bit more than what he can handle at the moment. What do you think about just starting a conversation? Asking him fun questions and just getting to know him might be a good place to start.

Maybe you could even create some questions to ask him about his work? Like asking for advice or his opinion in some way?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Helen!

Wonderful!! It helps to have a constume!!! I totally get it! So it’s a good place for you to start. Maybe it’s time to dust off the cobwebs and just go out and practice being around different types of people that will bring out different sides in you. It doesn’t have to mean anything! It can just be a place where you practice certain skills and feel yourself being flirty, talkative, a good listener….you never know what might end up showing up for you.

Please, please share aboutyour experience!!! We would love to hear how it goes!!!
Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Franzis,

If I understand correctly, he said he respects your son too much to get involved with you? He also deleted you from snapchat?

Has he responded to your text message yet?

Do you live in the same city or is this a long distance thing? Has he ever expressed interest in getting to know you more, aside from just being flirty?

More details will help so we know what is the best guidance we can offer for our situation.

Thanks!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Heather,

You can keep it super light. You can just ask in a VERY LIGHT way “Hey…I noticed you mention you are with a “friend” when you are talking with your friends. Are you saying that because you don’t want to deal with your friend’s reactions or something? I’m not threatened by it. I’m purely just curious and interested in learning about you.”

What do you think?
Heidi

[Heidi G]

I totally get it!! I have worked with this type of challenge a lot. I am sorry your voice was not heard as a child. That is EXTREMELY difficult!!! It IS possible to shift your voice though! I have seen it happen many times….mine included.

The first step is learning to listen to yourself first. If you become that person who values, appreciates and loves to hear your thoughts and feelings, then when someone is rejecting and non responsive, it will sting much less….although, it will still sting. Now, when I am not listened to or berated for how I feel, I just do not tolerate it and that person will no longer get the priviledge to know who I am on a deeper level. My voice matters, my feelings matter, my questions matter and if someone does not feel the same way, that’s okay! We are just not a good match. And that’s the point you want to get to….where you value yourself sooooo much that you just don’t invite anyone into your life that does not value ALL of you in the same way.

There is a lot I want to tell you and teach you, but I am just going to give you 1 assignment to start with. It’s called “left / right handwriting.” It will be a conversation between your child self and adult self. Essentially, you are the parent now. That little girl that was never listened to and disregarded….well you are going to be the parent to her that she never had. It’s CRUCIAL you get to know her!!!! It is her that is holding all of those feelings of rejection and fear and it is your job to teach that side of yourself that you are safe now, you will love her, you will listen to her and value her voice! This will help you create an internal strength. So this is how you do it:

Go to a store like Michael’s or a craft store. Let your little girl side come up and have her choose some paper to write on and something to write with. Fore me, I ended up choosing this BIG pad of paper and these oversized crayons! So fun! Maybe you would want glitter pens or markers or whatever. Then go home and set some time aside and write. You will write with your dominant hand that is your adult/parent and your non dominant hand is your little girl. You will have a conversation with each other. You can start by your adult writing down a question like, “I know ou are afraid. I know you feel really rejected. I want to hear how you feel. I am listening.” Then swith the pen to your non dominant hand and have her write her answer….and then ensues the conversation. The goal here is, NOT to fix her feelings. All you need right now is for your adult to LISTEN and VALIDATE!!! Keep telling her everything you needed to hear from your own parents. You are now the parent instead.

I have been AMAZED many times at what comes out of my left hand/child side of me! And it fascinates me because as soon as that pen goes to the left hand, trying to write feels EXACTLY like a child learning to write!!! Which is why it works. You will literally feel like a child trying to write.

Check in with yourself DAILY for right now. Maybe commit to at least 2 weeks??? Do you feel that’s possible? Every day ask her questions about how she feels, what were her thoughts about her day etc. Get to know her as if she were your REAL child. Give her a voice for the very first time in her life!

I’m happy to hear that you guys had an open and honest conversation. It’s wonderful that he was wiling to open up a bit and share with you where you were being ineffective and where you shared the same about him. It helps doesn’t it!!!!! It’s a starting place! Maybe instead of texting him so much, you can write certain questions down and do it in person. So much of relationship is happening through texting and as you already know, it’s so easy to mis understand. So maybe consider NOT texting your more serious feelings and wait until you see each other. Just a thought!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Vanessa!

BUMMER!!! I would totally be disappointed too! There is nothing for sad than when a person turns away from an opportunity that could bring them growth, love, happiness and adventure. Women typically are much more interested in having an experience in relationship that can help them grow and learn and connect. It doesn’t mean the same thing to a man as it does a women. We, generally speaking, are so different in those categories.

Thank you for the update, even though it was not what you desired. He sure is missing out on you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow Tessa! You really ARE limited! I know what living in a small town is like and not really having a support system in a way that is really meaningful to your life. It sounds like you are managing it really well though. Writing is wonderful!!! Have you ever thought of turning that into something more? What if you made your world a bit bigger by sharing some of that writing with strangers that would appreciate your story? Have you ever thought of or have a desire to move to another place? Just curious.

As far as your communication goes, I just have 1 question. How do you know that you are bad at communicating? His reactions may have nothing to do with what you said….you just don’t know that unless he actually says something about it. You are assuming it is YOU that is causing his disconnect and pull back when it really could just be him.

I don’t quite know how to help you improve your communication because I don’t know what you are saying? Can you give me some examples? What is odd? I am a really good communicator and still, sometimes, I come across someone who has a reaction to what I’ve said. I will try a million ways to explain the same exact thing, but reality is, the person on the receiving end just does not have it in them to understand. Sometimes, that is just how it is.
Keep on sharing!!! I love it!
Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tessa,

you sure are dealing with a lot AND have an incredible amount of self awareness. Good job!!!

How about you start with something like this:

Make a list of 10 things that nourish you that don’t include anyone else.

here are some examples:

1. hiking
2. making a bouquet of flowers
3. mani/pedi
4. movies
5. romance novels
6. puppies / kitties / animals
7. get an adult coloring book (those are soooo fun btw)
8. write in a journal

Make that list….and do 1 thing for yourself form that list, once a day. If that feels like too much, then try for every other day. You want to pick a way that you will be successful. Maybe it’s just 1 hour every few days that is ALL YOURS!!! shut off your phone and go hangout with yourself. I promise everyone will be okay for that hour.

Do you feel that do-able? Does something like this interest you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Latisha!

People are hard to figure out in general. So much of what we all say and do have hidden messages in them. Even those of us who choose that field of study, still get confused!

It sounds like he is still interested! Yes…I agree with your idea. Just keep sending him compliments or pictures of things that made you think about him. Don’t talk about getting together…at least not right now. See what you can do to build that friendship and trust back up. If he feels safe and no pressure from you, he can take things at a pace that feels comfortable for him…and many times when you give the guy that space, he will reach that desire to connect with you much sooner than later.

Keep it light and simple. The goal here is to just keep him connected with you and build the friendship back up again.

I love that you read those books and I am so glad the coaches were able to help you through your situation. It’s hard for us on this end sometimes. We get little information and have only one side of the story. And many times what we say is not what someone wants to hear, as people usually want their quick fixes. So it’s really wonderful to hear that it worked for you and we are glad you are back.

Let’s keep this conversation going! I really think there is a way for this happen!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Korina,

I am wondering what is stopping you from going to see him? I don’t really blame him for not wanting to come to you. Your mom is making it impossible for that to happen. He sounds like he really, really cares for you, but it doesn’t sound like he has the freedom to do so as long as your mom is able to control your behavior.

Since you are working towards independence, maybe you can just take this time and develop certain skills with each other. Maybe learning how to communicate better? Maybe learning how to become stronger friends?

It may be really rough for him trying to imagine being with the woman he loves who has a mom who is controlling her life. It sounds like you need to become independent first before you and your guy can really be together with freedom.

I imagine you have also talked with your therapist as well. It’s probably a good idea to first become independent and learn how to stand on your own 2 feet instead of moving in with him right away. That’s an important step to learn for good development! There is no rush! You guys can keep loving each other for awhile before heading down the aisle. He will need time anyways, figuring out his financial situation and getting that part of his life figured out.

So can you guys just slow things down and build parts of your relationship that need some work? There is sooooo much to learn about each other….and in the meantime, you let him know how you are working on becoming independent. If he doesn’t know or understand your process of healing, it would be hard for him to sit around and wait until you get there. Can you let him in on that part of your life? It may help him have more patience with your situation.

What do you think?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Martine,

He obviously cares for you! You have everything heading in the right direction with this guy, there is just 1 big wall in the way…who knows how much of that is the cancer, the PTSD or him leaving in 6 months. What if none of that changes in these 6 months? Can you be okay just being a really good friend for him? I think that is what he needs most from you right now. Maybe the relationship won’t happen at this moment, but imagine that all the support, friendship and love you offer him now is like putting money into his soul bank…who knows….maybe something will happen down the road that will bring him back to you. He even said he could see you 2 together down the road….that’s great! That means he has thought about you in that way! So for now, can you be okay growing and connecting with him just as friends? I know you want more and I sure don’t blame you. When you find someone you feel safe with and someone you feel like yourself with…that’s a powerful thing. If you can stay in the friend zone and be okay with that, it may even draw him closer…maybe not to relationship level, but the closer he gets to you (even as a friend) the more bonded you will become and the more he will “need” you in his life. Can you make that your focus? Does that feel okay for you?

Heidi

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