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Hi Sandra!
I am so sorry to hear this! It hurts the heart quite a bit to connect every single day, then all of a sudden have that person pulling back and not wanting the same things as you are.
I just have a few questions. Is he healthy? Meaning, are you aware of any diseases or anything that might cause him to pull away and put some walls up? You talked about what you wanted for your future….did you guys ever talk about what he wanted and imagined for his future? Do you know if he had some big challenges in his past around relationships / love that would cause him to never want to marry again? Where exactly do you guys stand right now? Are you chatting every once in awhile? Is he initiating contact at all, or are you the only one doing that?
Thanks Sandra!!
Hi Asyegul!
Oh wowowow! I am elated for you guys!!! This is soooo exciting!!! Good for you for doing the work and talking with him about it!! Good for him for listening and opening up in return…slowly but surely. Remember this process as you guys will hit bumpy roads again. Men respond REALLY REALLY well when the finger isn’t pointed at them. All people do actually. If you go into hurt feelings and claiming them as your own vs. blaming and shaming…your odds of resolution in a healthy, peaceful way are suuuper high! And it will just bring you guys closer and closer together. Just like this last time did.
Your age difference and income different will most likely show up down the road. Reality is, if it weren’t that, it would be something else. Each couple comes with a set of issues the will have to face with each other. The goal here is, is to be able to face them together in a respectful, honoring way.
So for right now, let it go. You will deal with those aspects when they show up. For now, everything is going so well and working wonderfully, so focus ALL of your attention on that and keep building on that!!
Thank you sooo much for your updates!!! Please keep us posted!!!
Heidi
Hi Maria,
It does sound very confusing! I am curious…did you think of him in a romantic way AT ALL before that dinner where he expressed his interest in you? How recent is his divorce?
There is this thing that can happen. It’s a thing where a person can have strong feelings for someone and be attracted to them, simply because they are being chosen. I am wondering if that is what has happened with you. Anytime I find myself attracted to a guy, I am ALWAYS asking myself “why?” There have been little phases in my life where I have found myself being attracted to a certain guy all of a sudden, just because he was giving me attention and pursuing me!! And that attraction feels VERY real. I have noticed this enough times in my life, so I am able to catch it by now and it usually shows up when I am really out of balance in getting my needs met.
You have not been out there dating in a loooong time and it’s going to feel super super wonderful to be fought for and chosen. You went from business partner to all of a sudden a super intense relationship and now it has fizzled out. For someone coming from your space, of course you would respond to him….how reall is your attraction??? That is something that only time can tell. He has activated 2 primary, core things that are easily activated in a woman….being fought for and then pulling away. Both things cause a woman to say yes and want to respond….even if she isn’t crazy about the guy. If a guy knows how to activate those 2 things in a woman properly, he will hook most women. I’ve even been hooked KNOWING EXACTLY what was going on!!! It’s just our nature and how we work and what we respond to!!!
So my guess is, you are wanting him back more because you are missing being fought for. That emptiness and feeling of rejection will make you want him back. I know you also have genuine feelings for him too that are mixed in there, but those are nominal as you barely know each other.
He has been very inconsistent and not a man of his word. Just from the little that you have explained, it sounds like he is really good at getting what he wants. There is this type of guy who lays it on super thick (romance, feelings etc.) and then hooks the woman….and then he will start to not follow through as much. He will go still live his life and do what he wants, but give her enough to keep her connected…without really investing as much as he did in the beginning…..but then the lady keeps responding because she feels him less connective and there begins this cycle. Some guys do this very purposefully and some do it from an unconscious space. Who knows what your guy is doing….that’s why I was wondering how long he has been divorced for. That can influence his level of over excitement with his new found freedom.
You need to switch it to where he is chasing you again. If he knows you will respond to him, regardless of his lack of word and inconsistency, you are teaching him that’s okay with you. So I would suggest pulling back your energy and letting him initiate. Let him do ALL the initiating just for a bit…maybe a few weeks and see what happens! You need to find out how serious this guy is about you by watching his ACTIONS and not his words. Both matter, of course, but for right now, his actions are going to be more important than his words.
Do you feel you can back off a bit and see what he does with that? What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Claudia,
It sounds like a bunch of excuses to me. I would suggest to no longer contact him. If he wants to see you, let him make the effort. I suggest you really let go of the idea of this guy. He is not responding in a way that makes you feel connected and valued….and you deserve NOTHING LESS than that!!!
I still am very suspicious of this guy being single….and if he is single…there is something going on. For him to make all that effort in the beginning and then totally pull back…something is getting in the way…and it’s not you!
Heidi
Hi Korina,
It’s a very, very difficult thing to have such strong, very real feelings for someone and at the same time, know they are not healthy for us. It is such an incredible battle between mind and heart!!! Many people really get swept up in the feelings and so many times I try to ground them in the reality of the person, as “feelings” are just not enough to create a healthy relationship.
Any man who is controlling on that level is a good person to stay away from. I know it hurts and I know you want to see him. Imagine though…what your life would be like with him. If you were to go live with him, you would be trapped. You wouldn’t be able to have your freedoms in life, as he would most likely be so controlling that you would end up more scared and unhappy. All those wonderful feelings you have for him now, would disappear and be replaced by being in another really terrible situation for yourself.
Instead of taking your “mom’s” advice, take your own!!! Take your own power and voice and listen to that!!! You know there are some big, red flags here! So if you give that voice of yours some value, then you will be honoring what your gut / intuition is telling you about him. It is in the best interest of your very sacred, very precious heart…to NOT hand it over to someone who is controlling and domineering. Your heart deserves to be nurtured and cared for and that has to start with YOU PROTECTING IT!!! Can you connect to that idea at all??
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Okay…I see…have you ever tried to NOT initiate before? If you have, how long did it go on for?
You said he was “cool” today, but does that mean after the event he stayed connective with you? Were you the one initiating all of that contact?
Heidi
Hi Christina!
Sounds confusing for sure! Can you offer a little more detail? Does he have the habit of turning things around back on you any time you ask for something different / more from him? How long have you been together?
It sounds like he wants to get back together right? Isn’t that what you wanted? I’m not sure I am clear as to your questions\. If he wants to be in a good place with you and be happy with you, it sounds like you got what you wanted…so I’m thinking I don’t fully understand your situation.
Heidi
Hi Leeanne,
Thanks for writing in!! Just a few questions….did you ever meet in person or you guys just kept it online? For how long? How do you know it was a lie on his part? So his reason for ending things was because you like him more than he liked you? What is it about this guy that makes you want to fight for him??
The more details you offer, the easier it is for us to give you more specific guidance!
Heidi
Hi Senada,
It is very confusing. He had a journey with another woman that was disrepectful to your relationship.
It sounds like you guys need some help. Are you willing to either go see a coach or therapist yourself or maybe go as a couple? As long as you hold onto the resentment and hurt of what happened, you will never be able to move forward with him. As long as he is not fully and completely honest as to “why” he took that journey, you guys will not be able to move forward with the relationship. Maybe your perspective was that your relationship was nice and wonderful, but maybe it was not for him. I am wondering how honest he is being about how he is experiencing the relationship. Or…it really could just be as simple as feeling like a hero with this girl initially and then it just naturally started to go deeper without him really expecting or planning on that.
Do you have any other details that could help us guide you better???
HeidiTessa!!! This is sooooo wonderful! You are going through something that is the perfect storm…dark night of the soul….and those are the most difficult moments / seasons in life, but when you face it head on, connect to God and strengthen your faith, ask for healing, clarity, wisdom and truth about yourself…..man….you have some amazing freedom and strength coming your way. I have been through so many of those moments, that now…when I end up in one, it’s so much easier because I know the growth I will receive as I go through it. You are EXACTLY where you need to be. Yes, it is hard and painful. AND you are strong and open to growth. What an amazing role model you are for your daughter. My mom has messed up so many times in my life, of course….but if there is 1 thing I know about her….she is resilient. She has ALWAYS faced her life and didn’t choose to hide. She wanted the truth. She always kept her head up and moved through all the challenges, pain and tears and all….and came out the other side stronger. I could not have asked for a better role model!!!
You can do this!!! We are here for you as well. Feel free to write and share and ask questions, ask for techniques…whatever you need…we are here to help you through this very important phase of your life! I am so proud of you!!!
Heidi
I’m sorry this didn’t turn into anything. I agree with Kanya….you are being way too hard on yourself. You were being connective and he initially sent the signals, but then didn’t continue responding….my guess is there is something preventing him from moving forward with you and that is has NOTHING to do with you.
It’s disappointing though….no doubt.
Thank you for sharing with us!
Heidi
Hi Korina,
It sounds like this is just getting more and more difficult. If he is not willing to make the efforts to see you and compromise, then I imagine he would behave the same way in other situations as well. Someone with that type of mindset can be VERY difficult to live with. It is a way of controlling you. Your mother is doing the same thing of course. You are getting it from both ends and neither are healthy, as YOU don’t exist and your feelings are disregarded. I’m so sorry. I hope that at the very least, you can start to see how you would like to create your life differently. Life CAN be peaceful. It starts with the decisions you make and the people you invite into your life. When you finally start to love yourself more and connect with your voice more and more, THEN you will attract a healthier man who will value your voice and your opinion. Love is just not enough. It’s just the beginning. This guy says he loves you, all the while not working WITH you to create the relationship. It might be a good idea to do as Kanja suggested and take some time off. Take a few weeks to yourself where you don’t hear from either of them about the relationship. Let yourself feel into the situation, talk about it with your therapist and see if this is the kind of life you really want to create. If it isn’t, then your therapist can help guide you as to the small steps you can take to support what you really want.
It’s a lot of work, but it is sooooo worth it!!! I used to have a very dramatic life. Now…my life is so peaceful and wonderful….so believe me…it’s possible, but that needs to be your committment. Decide you want to create a life that is fulfilling and nourishing and then start to make decisions that support that.
Heidi
Hi Sarah!!!!
Yayayaya!!! This is exciting news!!! It sounds like you guys have a wonderful time and it all went smooth!
Just for now, I would recommend waiting and NOT saying anything about the relationship. I would still make sure to let him initiate the connection. Back off and let him take the lead at his speed and see what happens. I’m curious to see if he continue to try to connect and continue forward with you.
How does that approach feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Sonja!
This is a good sign that he might have been a little jealous!
Yes, become unavailable physically and let him know you want to get to know him better and that most of all, you are interested in having a solid relationship when sex is involved. So because ou want him to not feel any pressure and you want him to be able to focus on work, it’s healthiest for you to just stay friends. You are open to things changing in the future, but for now, you guys can just get to know each other.I think it’s also great that you keep dating other guys. Even though you may not find them interesting, it keeps the door open for you to continue practicing all the skills that come along with dating and it can also even help take the pressure off of your guy as well as activate his need to chase, since he will have some competition.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Korina,
Listen to yourself and what you are feeling. I know you want to see him, but another part is saying no….that you need some peace at the moment and not to argue with your mom. Since you are the passive type, making your own voice valuable is important. Can you talk to him about being creative for awhile? Maybe you can’t go see him for a bit, so you can find ways to still connect. If he knew you had a plan to work on being independent and asking him to be patient with you….do you think he might respond better? You are being pulled in 2 different directions and reality is, you cannot make either of them happy. You will lose one of them regardless. So this is where working with your therapist and support system is crucial for you. Since you are the passive type, having outside opinions is helpful so you can get several perspectives. You want opinions from people you trust and have your best interests at heart. Your mom has her own agenda and so does your guy. Give it some time. Learning how to have your own voice and opinions is a process. Can you ask your guy to give you that time? If he loves you, then he wants to very best for you. And that means learning how to get stronger on the inside. I imagine he would want that for you. So that means he needs to be patient. So maybe you could research how married couples make it work when 1 person is overseas in the military. They have all kinds of ways to nourish their relationship while they are separated.
What do you think?
Heidi
