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Hi Linda,
I’m so sorry! I definitely can sense your sadness. More details would be helpful. Here a few questions that may be helpful for us to know.
1. How long have you felt this way?
2. How often do you guys see each other?
3. Is there a change in his pattern that makes you feel like something has changed for the worse between you guys? If yes, what has changed?
4. You have been together for 3 years. Have you ever talked to him about how you feel? If yes, what was his response? If no, what is stopping you from being honest with him?
5. Is there any potential for you guys to live in the same city soon?Hang in there….let’s see if we can help you figure this one out!
Heidi
Hi Joy!
Boy….how frustrating!!! I’m sorry to hear he decided to run from his feelings vs. face them. I don’t want to discourage you at all, but I do want you to be aware of his choice and your choice. Relationships work long term when 2 people are willing to face ALL the feelings that come up with each other. When one person decides to bail, there is no “teamwork” and that makes you very alone in the relationship. So….it’s important that you are VERY CLEAR that he is showing you what he does when he gets uncomfortable with his emotions…fear takes over and he runs. if he is doing this now, he will do it again and again and again, anytime something gets too hard emotionally. So even if you do get him back, do not be surprised if he disappeared again. Even if he didn’t break up in the future, he may just stop talking to you or he could pull back and not talk with you. So know what you are getting into.
Now onto him. He is obviously terrified. I am wondering if you know very much about his last relationship. How long ago was it? How did it end? How was he treated? What is his view on love? Many people who have been hurt very badly will make a pact with themselves to never fall in love again. Did you guys ever talk about anything of that nature?
The good news is, he ran because he was scared of loving you. That means that things were working really well!!! Maybe you didn’t handle it in the best way, but that’s okay! We all need practice on how to be better at expressing our true feelings. How long has it been since you guys have talked? Have you tried to contact him and he just isn’t responding? Have you tried asking him for help and activate his hero instinct?
A little more info can help guide us better as to how approach this situation.
Heidi
Hi Ekaterina!
I bet he never talked to you about your husband because that means he would have to admit, out loud, that he was getting involved with a married woman. It makes the elephant in the room real. Many times people avoid talking about what they are most scared of hearing. I think you guys being coworkers makes this a million times more risky too…for both of you. He knows that if you decided to have a relationship with him, he may be the rebound guy, he would end up dating a woman who just left a marriage and did not spend any time being single and working through re-creating her life…which is another reason that makes you an extremely risky proposition for him. All around Ekaterina, nothing is really in your favor and everything is working against you. If I were coaching this guy, I would advise him to let you go and let you figure out your life for awhile as a single person and THEN….if there are still feelings there….pursue them. I imagine you understand why this would be the healthiest path for BOTH of you, but your heart is going to tell you something completely different…and therein lies the biggest challenge ever! I think him disappearing could be the best thing for you right now. It’s not fun at all, but it might be a good time for you to only focus on yourself and designing a new life. There is a lot to work through emotionally when a divorce is happening. Give yourself that time and space to do so without getting involved with someone else to distract you from the hurt and unhappiness. When you feel happy, peaceful, content and love your life, all by yourself, that would be a good time to open up to the possibility for someone new.
I think what you wrote to him was appropriate for closure. Now it’s time to let him go. I’m so sorry! It hurts a lot to not have an even exchange with someone!
Keep talking to us. Let us know more of your thoughts!!!
Heidi
Hi Kerry!
This is good! You are getting a little frustrated, which is sometimes the very best energy that needs to come out for us to fight for ourselves. There is no reason for him to change if you allow everything to be the same. That is true about anything really. If you want your life to be different, when YOU change….the situation changes! You have 100% of the power! It doesn’t mean, of course, that you will get everything you want…it just means that as you love, respect and honor yourself, people will fall away AND be attracted to you for it! You want those people to fall away from your life if they are not respectful and fighting to have a relationship with you. It sounds like he is not really willing to budge on his stance, all the while telling you he loves you. It sounds like he doesn’t really know what he wants…but YOU do! If he is not offering that you, then you get to set some boundaries as to what makes you feel comfortable with him.
What kinds of boundaries do you feel like you can set with him? It’s good practice! If he saw that your children and mother can be disrespectful towards you, then he knows he can be the same way and that you won’t go anywhere. So really…the first place for you to begin is self love. I know that sounds cheesy and boring and not at all what you want to hear. It is crucial though. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. It sounds like you are aware of this and are working on it, so good job! Keep going!!!! Eventually, he will fall in line with you, or he won’t. Are you willing to let him go if he is not willing to offer you a relationship???
Heidi
Hi Kristin!
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s a lot! The rejection definitely hurts!!! I think it was totally okay that you said it hurt. It’s important for him to know how his choices are affecting you. It maybe could have been said in a different way, but that’s okay!!! Honestly, with how you communicated everything, you were respectful, caring and not mean and abusive. Well done!!! I don’t think you did any damage. I think he is so overwhelmed at the moment and you did your very best to try to support him.
So I wouldn’t suggest apologizing. You didn’t really do anything wrong. There is nothing “wrong” with saying you felt hurt by his choices. It’s true! And anyone in your situation would also be hurt.
If you want to say something, you could maybe venture down this path: “You know, I actually learned something about myself. I learned how you pulling away from me really triggered something from my past and that is why I reacted so strongly. As painful as this has all been, it’s also been a great gift for me to work on getting rid of some past baggage that I just don’t need to be carrying around anymore. So this is what I’m going to do….I’m going to respect that you need space and you don’t need a relationship right now. I understand it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with your life situation for right now. So I’m going to spend this time really working on that baggage and letting it go. If you ever want to hang out and get a bite to eat or something, my answer is yes! I would love that….but the ball is in your court. I will leave you be so you can breathe and have 1 less person to worry about. I hope it’s still okay that I ask you for advice on certain things. You’ve been so wonderful helping me!!! I will miss you terribly and hope that this season you are in, passes sooner than later.”
What do you think about something to that affect?
Heidi
Hi Korina!
Wow! You really are getting back out there. I have heard your story in a million different ways from the ladies. They always end with saying the same exact thing…dating sucks! Or dating is hard! And sadly, it’s kinda true. Now that the online thing has become so prevalent, it’s changed the culture of dating and how people go about it. It makes me sad, because I REALLY miss the days when a guy had to talk to observe a girl, she had to flirt across the room, he had to have the guts to approach her, but they KNEW there was chemistry because they saw each other in person. There was a confidence and skill a person had to have for dating before the online thing happened. Anyways…it is what it is for right now and we have to figure out how to maneuver through it.
I would like to suggest to not talk to anyone who is long distance. It really is best to stay local. Trying to start a long distance relationship from thin air is EXTREMELY difficult and messy. So I suggest to stay local, as it will allow courting to take place, it will allow people to meet each other’s friends, coworkers, create memories and develop the relationship a lot slower.
I’m really proud of you for sticking to your decision. It sounds like you are becoming more and more invested in your choice. As painful as it may be to say goodbye to your ex…I bet it feels good to just have made a decision.
thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Latisha,
There are a ton of way to approach a situation, so it really comes down to you and feeling it out and doing what feels best for you. Try not to get caught up into what is “right” or “wrong” about how to approach something. Reality is, no matter how you approach him, do you really think it will make that big of a difference? Meaning…I’m a fan of being authentic and being around a guy who is interested in knowing my true thoughts and feelings all the time. If a relationship is THAT fragile that it doesn’t allow the space for you to be human, for you to communicate your needs when you need to or to just say what you want to say…then I question the solidarity of the relationship. From everything you have said…it sounds like you don’t really feel that you get to be 100% yourself without the fear of losing him, get in the way. So you keep trying to “feel” out a situation to see if it’s the right time to bring something up. That is appropriate to a certain extent, but when you say “Sometimes I didn’t feel like I could just talk to him” it makes me wonder….are you sure you want to fight for a guy that doesn’t make you feel very safe emotionally? Yes…you are going to have trust issues with him. Yes, you love him. Yes, he could break up with you again, even if you get him back. There is no guarantee….love is a risk, without exception.
So I want to ask you again….are you sure you want to fight for this guy? There is some truth to what you are saying about him making more effort if he really wanted to be back with you. That is definitely true. It depends if you are willing to continue with this path, to find out if he will ever reach that space. He may get there…he may not. But I still go back to….from all that you are saying, I’m not entirely sold that YOU are sold on this guy. Just because you love someone does not mean you have to do something with that love.
My suggestion is….before doing anything further, decide what you want. You still sound pretty confused and split. You love him and he aggravates you and he has funny moments and you don’t feel safe to just go talk to him about whatever you need to. Every relationship will have a list of likes and dislikes. However, it’s about you being able to accept and embrace the dislikes that is most important. Dr. John Gottman did the largest study on couples in history….20 years long! He wanted to know what made a relationship not only last, but be happy and healthy. 1 component out of 4 that he discovered was essential to a sustainable relationship is that there was a 1 to 4 ratio. For every negative interaction, or thought about your person, there were 4 positives. So essentially, the good far outweighed the bad. I HIGHLY suggest reading one his books called “the Man’s Guide to Women.” It’s fabulous!!! IT’s a short, easy read, but what he essentially covers is what a man needs to offer in a relationship in order for it to be successful. It will reflect soooo much of what you need to experience. Maybe reading that will help you understand where your guy fits into your life and whether or not you want to continue fighting for him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ekaterina!
Thank you for writing in!
It does sound like there is a pattern here that he tends to respond once you initiate, but he doesn’t really make much effort towards connecting with you on his own. I am wondering if this is because it is his pattern or because you are married. Regardless of whether you guys are breaking up or not, I imagine he knows you are not fully and completely available for him, so he may be having a battle within his mind and heart concerning how much to let himself get involved with you.
Have you ever talked to him about this? I am wondering what you want with this guy. Are you wanting to date and have a relationship with him? He is asking a good question by wondering what your boundaries are. What are they?
I really would also like to encourage you to really create closure with your current situation first. Getting involved with someone when you are still attached to someone else…well….that can only lead to great big mess. What do you think about this? I imagine you might have the same thought yourself, but maybe the attention from this guy feels so great that you want to get involved despite you being married? What’s happening for you?
Heidi
Hi Latisha,
Well….you can always just ask. You could say something like, “Listen…I really have enjoyed connecting with you again as friends. There are so many wonderful things about you that I would love to continue to explore, but I need to be honest. I am falling for you and I am interested in exploring a relationship with you again. Not in the same way as we used to be, but something new…something more healthy and easier. I do get the feeling that maybe you are not thinking about that path with me, so I am just going to ask straight away. Do you have any inkling at all that you might want to journey with me down that road again? I’m not saying it has to be now….I am more than willing to continue as we are and get to know each other and I can be patient. I just want to know if there is a possibility here.”
Before you have that conversation though, I really am wondering if he is what you really want. I know you are “tired” but it sounds like you might not be really convinced that this guy is worth it to you. Are you 100% sold on this guy?
I sure don’t see any harm in meeting someone new. Sooooo many times, even if that person doesn’t work out….they can give you a different experience of yourself…which gives you more perspective and information. Why not give it a shot???
Heidi
Hi Korina,
It sounds like you are finding your ground again! Good job!!! It is not an easy task, but day by day, once you align with yourself 100% you will get stronger and stronger.
I’m curious what you mean about “I’m still a n opposites attract type.” I would like to dive a little more into that with you, as sometimes that can be a real challenge!!! Tell me more about that!
And I’m also super curious about why the boring guy has turned into your favorite! What changed???
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
I had been through that before for sure!!! A guy sweeps me off my feet, but only to discover after the fact that his REAL purpose was to help me get some perspective and have a different experience to move me forward. It’s so wonderful AND it’s so hurtful all at the same time! I’m so glad you have that same awareness! Well done!
I don’t know if I would go as far as him being dishonest…cruel, yes! Many times though, I have found that men from other cultures just experience dating and women very differently than we do here. He may have been born here, but it doesn’t change that he is surrounded by people / family from his culture to still instill in his how he interacts with people. So maybe he is just being how he was taught. Maybe he finds power / self esteem in getting women to react to him and “fall in love” with him. Who knows! Reality is though…he did give you what you needed at the time and it was something very good for you! You know what is possible now!!!!
So your goal is to completely let him go and the negative feelings. You want to fully and completely forgive him for not being the kind of guy you needed him to be. Forgive yourself for not being able to meet your needs. And you may have to do this 20x a day, but if you make the choice, every single day, that you are going to forgive and not harbor any negative feelings and only harbor the gifts he gave you….then you will get to a place where you feel thankful for him vs. hurt. Once you reach this place, then you just act however you feel! You just offer kindness and simple, light connection for him. Can you imagine how that will throw him off his rocker??? To have someone show you kindness after you ditch them….when does that ever happen???? NEVER!!! I’m sure he is very used to the ladies being pissed at him!! So for you to be kind, forgiving and pleasant….would be a wonderful gift to offer him in return. He would have a very rare experience with you, I’m sure.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
I can definitely understand why you would be at the end of your rope and frustrated and confused!
There are a few things I would like to invite you to think about.
1. How is the dating in the area you live? For example, where I live, the dating is VERY DIFFICULT! There are plenty of people, however there are a lot of really “off” dynamics between the men and women here. When I first moved here, I thought there was something wrong with me that I never got asked out…as that is not a normal experience of mine. Now after 6 years of living here, I have been asked out 3 times in an organic way (meaning, not online). MANY MANY women here struggle with the men and have the same exact experiences I am having, so I know that the dating culture here is part, if not the majority, of why I am having this kind of experience. So maybe ask around to the other ladies what their experiences are. What is the dating culture like where you live?
2. Have you ever been in love? When was your last relationship? Have you experienced this challenge your entire life or is this something new you are struggling with?
3. Have you asked anyone close to you yet, what they may see about you that could be blocking a relationship from coming into your life? I know that I am always interested in a person’s perspective of me and how they experience me. Many times I have discovered that their impressions were not at all in alignment with how I felt or how I am. So it’s always been great info. to gather so I can work on improving how and what I communicate to people.
4. Lastly, and probably the most important part….is that “doing” is much less important than “being.” Meaning…I can learn all the dating skills in the world, and although that is an important part, it is actually a smaller percentage of the equation compared to your knowing how to “be.” And by that, I mean, loving yourself, loving your life, being open to risking, being authentic, having internal/emotional strength etc. Your “resume” sounds wonderful, however there may be something much deeper going on that you may not even be aware of. Have you ever done some really deep work to see if there is something blocking you from really opening up to the idea of love? For example, I worked with a woman who was just like you. Here “resume” was wonderful! She appeared to be a super connective, flirty, open and interesting woman. And she definitely was all of that! But there was something much deeper going on that I helped her connect to. We found that part of her that actually did not trust men in general as she had been sexually assaulted as a young girl. That deeper part of herself was influencing sooooo much more than she even realized!!! As she worked through that part, she started to feel different inside…she felt more free, she felt stronger and more willing to risk with a man. After a period of time of really connecting with that part of herself and learning a new skillset, she fell madly in love with the man who was so wonderful for her!!! My point in all of this, is to let you know that many, many times, the things we cannot see or even feel are influencing what shows up, or doesn’t show up, in our lives. So many times, the answer to our questions are not in the books or how we “do” things…they are in the emotional / energetic / subconscious parts of our lives. Have you ever thought about that at all?
Let me know your thoughts and then we can go from there! We would love to help you on your path of self discovery!
Heidi
Hi Grace!
It would be super helpful if you created your own post. Are you able to do that? It will help us stay more organized so we don’t miss any posts that you put up.
If you could also include more details about your situation, that would give us much more ability to offer more tailored advice to your situation.
You say you feel in love with a friend…did you guys end up dating at all? You say you want him back, but does that mean you had him for awhile? If you guys did date, can you share what happened? Did he explain why he broke up?
If you guys never dated, what did he say to you? Did he admit to not having those kind of feelings for you? What happened???
Thanks Grace! Looking forward to hearing from you!
Hi Debbie!
I am so glad you got out of a marriage like that. Those are some of the most difficult marriages to get out of. Good for you for still giving yourself another chance at love.
I would love more detail. How long have you been away from your x husband and divorced? Does your “friend” flirt with you at all? You said he is hesitant….have you guys talked at all about possibly dating or are guessing that is how he feels? What is his heritage? I’m wondering if maybe that is how his family and upbringing works….it’s how they date…by involving the ENTIRE family in the process….OR maybe he is using them as a barrier…as long as they are around…it keeps things on the “friend” level with you. So if you could provide a bit more information, that may help us guide you a little better!
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through! It hurts like crazy and is beyond confusing. One minute it feels like they are all in and the next minute they are gone…and it’s just plain awful to go through!
My first instinct is to recommend that you let this guy go and here is why. I am ALWAYS very suspicious of guys who pour it on thick in the very beginning. The guy that tells me how “amazing” I am and I am “like no one else he has ever met” etc….when I hear those kinds of things in the very beginning, I put walls up…because the truth is, they don’t REALLY know that I am an amazing person. He hasn’t been around me enough to know that I am like no one else he has ever met before. Those types of compliments and the “I want all of you” and “I want you to be my girl” kind of words are words that take TIME to know. He only knew you for a few weeks, so to say things like that….some very serious things….is, in my opinion, a guy who is leading with impulse to get what he wants vs. caring enough about you and himself to take some time to get to know you.
I am also wondering if he is from another culture. Italian, Persian, Latin? Many men from other cultures are INFAMOUS romantics and can pour it on very thick in the beginning and get amazing responses from the ladies. However, so much of what they say does not have substance behind it. Not that they don’t really feel all of that in the moment….but they are impulsive feelings….not feelings built over time.
My other question to you is this….are you sure you want to keep fighting for a guy who is ghosting you? He is showing you how he handles confrontation. He ignores you. He has hurt you and does not care enough to have an honest conversation with you. He is being a chicken….like anyone who ghosts. People disappear because they are uncomfortable and don’t want to face the person they have hurt. So…he is showing you what he is like when you confront him. It doesn’t really make for a strong relationship when someone disconnects and is uncaring towards the person they hurt.
Are you sure you want to move forward trying to get this guy back? If yes…we can work on trying some different things….I just want to make sure you are clear about what you want, viewing it with more information that I have provided you.
Heidi
