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HI Maria,
Oh my! I can see why you are heartbroken. He did not treat you with very much respect. It sounds like he is in a space of being very selfish and self serving and not really caring much about who and how it affects people in his wake. This may be a phase he is going through or it may be the kind of person he is. Who knows. It doesan’t matter really….you had to learn the hard way.
Thank you for clarifying why it was hard for him to see you. Yes….I am inclined to agree with you in that he is avoiding you and you are in friend zone now…..although I wouldn’t even advise being that with him. You say that you will support him as a friend and help him with whatever he needs and he said the same, however he is NOT even a friend to you. He has not earned the right to know or help you with anything you need anymore. He broke your trust and he is not even showing that cares about that. So why does he still get to have your support then? This is where it’s a good idea to put up some boundaries and just completely disconnect. Work on forgiving him for not being the kind of friend you needed him to be. Let all of this go and move on with your life without him in it. When you feel completely indifferent towards him, then at that point, if you guys cross paths again, it will be much more healthy as you will not have any residual crap left over. He needs to go figure out his life on his own and you need to protect yourself from getting hurt again by him. He is quite the talker. It sounds like he knows exactly what a woman needs to hear in order to get what he needs from her. How authentic are his words? Maybe they are partially true or maybe not. Either way, you know they are not 100% true and that’s all that you need to know. He has not shown you that he is authentic person and someone you can trust….which is soooooo great that he is not a part of your business. If he can’t be honest with you in this aspect, he would not have been able to be honest as a business partner. I’m so glad you are finding out this way instead of finding out years down the road through your business!!!
I am so sorry Maria. It’s an awful feeling to get fooled by someone. Everybody gets to go through experiences like that and it’s so frustrating and heartbreaking and there is no way around it. The most you can do is practice forgiving yourself for not being able to get your needs met, learn from the experience, forgive him and develop your resilience.
I would love to hear more of your feedback!
Heidi
Hi!
I can see why you are confused! A conversation is definitely a good way to go as you don’t know his side of the story on things.
I do have some questions for you though. Before this incident, I know you have had feelings for him for a long time, but what was his response to you? Were your interactions always just friendly and nice or was he sending mixed messages before your ER trip? How good of friends were you?
The thing is, if he perceived you as just a friend, telling you he has a girlfriend may just not have come up in a conversation. Unless it’s a subject that is being talked about, there really would be no point in telling you. So I am wondering why you would expect that he would tell you something like that. Getting a little more history on your relationship prior to the ER visit, will help greatly in us understanding the dynamics better and how to approach a conversation with him.
Heidi
Hi Korina!
I totally get where you are coming from!!! My last boyfriend, when we broke up, it hit me sooooo hard and very deep….it took FOREVER to let him go. I have no doubt that if he were to walk in my door at this very moment, the butterflies would rush into my body and I would feel like I had just met him all over again!!! He is the only one, in my life, that has ever caused that kind of reaction in me. Reality was though…we were in very different stages of life and it would never and will never work out. But the time we spent together was phenomenal and wonderful…even our separation was peaceful and honoring. I’m telling you this because I had dated a TON and worked with sooo many people and there is thing…this mystery….that there are just some people that are able to get deeper into our minds / hearts / psyche…without even trying. The connection is just there…it’s effortless, wonderful and VERY POWERFUL! It just is….there is no “logical” rhyme or reason behind why this happens, but people have their theories. Regardless….trying to separate from that person is extremely difficult. For me, it took a good 2 years to feel like I had myself back 100%. It would have taken much less time, but we would occasionally reconnect, I would see the girls he was dating on facebook and be crushed and a part of me just didn’t want to let him go. I KNEW, 100%, that we were not to be together….but I couldn’t help how strongly I felt connected with him.
I really want to emphasize this….just because you feel this connection and draw to him, does not mean you are supposed to act on it. People are mistaken all the time about this!!! They feel an attraction towards someone and immediately start to give that chemistry some leeway and they begin to think / feel they need to move forward with that attraction. I always encourage people to NOT LET THE CHEMISTRY control them. When the chemistry controls you, you lose site of the person you are dealing with…..the red flags in particular. People start to compromise their boundaries and lower their standards because the chemistry feels soooo good!!! Of course you can choose that path….as many do….and then you deal with the consequences. It is EXTREMELY challenging to keep control of that chemistry and keep your head about you as you get to know someone. Much easier said than done!!!!
It sounds like he is really struggling in the same way you are, which is probably why he reached out and connected with you. He misses you, he doesn’t have that connection with anyone else and he is struggling and hurting….which is probably why he told you he met someone else….I am inclined to agree with your friend….but you are 100% right in that it doesn’t really matter because he will meet someone eventually.
Here is the thing Korina. What it really comes down to is you making a decision and FULLY investing in that choice. You have not done that yet. If you decide you want to be separate from him, then you design your life accordingly. You block his number….every time you think about him and start reminiscing, you STOP yourself and tell yourself “It’s over.” You will have to do that 100x a day at first, but you have to start combating the wanting and needing feelings. The more you let that get fed…even if it is a short text exchange with him….you are re-connecting…therefore not allowing yourself to fully heal. Whenever you start to miss him, you then follow those thoughts about what you DON”T miss about him. You mentioned those red flags…keep those on the forefront of your mind anytime you start to want him back…you remind yourself of what will happen if you do go back to him. Another thing you can do is really start to invest in creating the kind of relationship you DO want! What will it look like? How will you guys interact? What will the love feel like between you guys? What kinds of activities will you do together? What will it look like when you guys argue and how will you treat each other? What will the relationship look like with your mother? Get creative and have fun and start investing your energy in WHAT DOES WORK for you vs. trying to go back to something that doesn’t work. As long as you stay connected to him, even if it’s just in your heart / mind, you will not be available for the man waiting for you that is able to offer you what you need. You need to fight for the guy that is in your future by saying no to the guy that is from your past.
If you don’t want to let him go….then go back to him. This is totally and completely your design Korina. Maybe you need to experience more of him to be reminded of why it doesn’t work. Maybe you just aren’t done yet with him….and that okay too!
This really is a matter of you deciding one way or the other. No more sitting on the fence with 1 foot on each side. You will not grow that way. Jump off the fence and fully invest in your decision. That is the ONLY way you will know what works for you. You can always jump over to the other side of the fence if you want too. You are never stuck. So for now…what is your choice?
Heidi
Hi Sarah!
I am so sorry for what you are going through! I just want to mention a few things I want you to consider before I answer your questions.
First, what he did and is doing is so extremely hard to deal with. There is no closure or understanding. There is a gift in it for you though. This is an opportunity to develop a VERY HARD skill that you will need for the rest of your life. I call it “being okay in the lake of I don’t know.” Meaning….you may never get the answer you want, so how do you learn to heal from the abandonment without the answers from him that could bring you closure? It is definitely not easy, although the healthiest path for you, that you can take. There will be many more times in your life where someone will make a decision that affects you and you won’t have the answers as to “why.” Ghosting is such a common thing that happens online. You would be surprised that the main reason is that the people ghosting are actually already in a serious relationship. It leaves the people they connect with online in a wake of destruction many times as they are connecting with someone when they are not really available. Just something to think about.
The other part I want you to consider is your own perception of him. I went through this a lot in my younger years and deal with this issue quite a bit with my clients. It’s the “For the first time….” syndrome. Meaning, someone attaches to a person who has treated them well “for the first time.” They bond and elevate the person who respects them “for the first time.” So people who have only had negative experiences with love and relationship, then experience someone who treats them the way they deserve to be treated and all of a sudden, that person becomes “the one.” And it’s actually quite dangerous because you are not really seeing that person with clear eyes. All you know is that they are treating you really, really well and it feels amazing! It’s kind of like you have been walking in the desert without any water, and all of a sudden, someone offers you a glass of water and you think they are the most amazing thing ever. Problem is, you don’t even know what’s in that water or that it has some discoloration. You don’t notice because the water is all you have ever wanted, so you just don’t look at anything else. Then bam! You get sick and realize that the water he gave you had some chemicals in it that hurt your body. Meaning, he treated you so well that you immediately turn him into this guy that you want to marry after only seeing him 2x. He treated you in a way you have never been treated before that he got to a place in your mind and heart that he never earned. He did not spend time with you to prove that he is worthy of that very sacred space in your heart. You immediately opened the flood gates for him, when he had not shown you he was worthy of that and could handle that valuable heart of yours. Now….he is showing you something about himself. He ghosted and has disappeared. Why? Who knows…it doesn’t really matter acutally. What matters is what he is choosing to do. What matters is that he never showed up when he said he would. What matters is that he connected with you and then disconnected without talking to you about it. What matters is that he is showing you that he is not a man of his word. Yes, I’m sure he is all of those other amazing things as well….AND he is man who feels okay ghosting you and running away instead of being an adult and letting you know what was going on with him. So as great as he is, he also is not so great when something gets tough for him.
So let me ask you this question….is that kind of guy you want in your life? A guy who doesn’t fight for you? A guy who isn’t honest and doesn’t have he strength to be authentic in ALL areas of his life?
My recommendation is to always take things slow. If you were treated super well your whole life by guys, this guy wouldn’t seem so great! He would just be treating you in a way that you expect to be treated. It’s so sad that in today’s society, if a person is treated well, it’s this amazing thing!!! What’s wrong with that picture???? IT NEEDS TO BE THE NORM!!! So set your standards to that level and never accept anything less than that!
AS far as your questions:
Stay away for awhile. You need to create the space to let him come to you. If you contact him and chase him, it lets him know that he can ghost you anytime he wants and not have any consequences to that. If he can do whatever he wants regardless of how that makes you feel, then you are setting up a really challenging pattern between the two of you! So stay away and connect to yourself first before you work on connecting to him. If he never reaches out, then there is your answer….he is not interested in fighting for you. Remember, this is not about something you did…this is about HIM making a choice in a very disrespectful way to you. He broke his word and your trust and he needs to earn that back. I am wondering if he is in a relationship already. His behavior matches that. I wonder if there is a way for you to find out. Does he have a facebook page or anything?
I’m sorry to say all of this. I know it is not what you want to hear at all. I suggest to give him a few more weeks to contact you and if he doesn’t, let him go. If he does contact you, I suggest you have a serious conversation about his choices and what happened.
How does all of this make you feel???
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
What you said was so wonderful and a great way to communicate your need for a little more connection. I get that you would get triggered asking for your needs. Narcissists are sooooo difficult to deal with and really wear away at the self esteem. So how you said it was perfect!
The basic concept when asking for a need is to not make the person feel attacked. You did a wonderful job owning your own issue and that it’s a trigger and that is YOUR responsibility. Then when following with exact directions, men respond to that really well! Giving him SPECIFIC ideas of what would help you (that makes him the hero) is what will encourage your guy vs. making him feel deflated! So great job!!!! I’m curious how he responded to your request.
You guys have a long history of challenging relationships, so anytime you preface a request with…”This is hard for me to ask for because I don’t know how to do it. It may come out a little messy, but be patient with me and we can work through this….” Starting a conversation with admitting your afraid can instantly activate his hero instinct to want to make you feel safe! And then you always follow with appreciating him for helping you through this and that’s one of the things you love about him.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Rhea!
Man, I am soooo sorry! Nothing is worse than being completely blind-sided like that…and then infidelity and then the rollercoaster ride he is taking you on.
First, I want to acknowledge you for setting some boundaries as to how you want to be treated. That is so difficult to do in the face of losing the one you love. It is a VERY important step however. If you don’t value yourself enough to fight for yourself, he will not come into alignment with you.
I just have some questions first. You said he is “messed up” and I’m curious what you mean by that. Does he have any idea what brought about all of this for him? Mid life crisis kind of thing maybe? You said you were blindsided by his choice, so I am wondering if he is not very good at communicating his feelings to you. Does he have a pattern of holding things in?
I’m so glad you guys went to at least 1 counseling visit. How did it go? Is he not willing to continue with that?
My last question is this….are you willing to let him be really messy right now and not put any ultimatums on him yet? I’m asking you this because it sounds like you really want to fight for this guy. So maybe you could offer him a bargain of sorts. Ask him to get some help….a therapist, a life coach etc. and that he is consistent about seeing that person. It sounds like he has some internal stuff to sort out on his own. If he can have a really good guide to help him through, he can get more clarity and learn some skills along the way about communication. You guys can agree on a time period…maybe 3 months? 4 months? and at the end of that time, you guys can re-assess where the relationship is and what the next steps are going to be. Until then, no intimacy with each other and lots of space. You guys can commit to developing the friendship instead. Lots of talking, laughing, having fun together and NO PRESSURE for him to make a decision yet. He can work through that with his therapist or whomever he chooses.
If you feel there could be something wrong with the marriage itself, then maybe you guys go to a couples retreat or something…where you both really dig deep and work through some stuff…and get very honest with each other.
I feel like it might not be time to throw in the towel yet. I feel like it might be time to support him through this confusion he is feeling by letting him know you will wait, but that also means you are putting up some boundaries for yourself as well. If he is not willing to get some help on a consistent basis, either with you or on his own (there are even men’s groups that could help as well), then you have a decision to make.
The point being for all of this, is that he needs to take some ACITON to figure this out. If he thinks that whatever is happening is going to go away and that he can do it on his own, then if you stay, you are in for a tough rollercoaster ride that may not end well. If he is willing to take some type of ACTION to help himself through this and to get some clarity, then the rollercoaster ride might be worth riding until more information shows up.
Does this make sense? What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Megan!
I’m a little confused, so I just want to clear this up. You said that he broke up with you when he got back from vacation with his son. Then you said that you were at his house when he got home. When you said he was talking about future holidays and a future vacation with you, was that at a different time or was it when you were at his house when he got home?
It sounds like he is really struggling with something. What did he say / do when he saw you at his house? Did you guys talk about the breakup at all in further detail? Has he complained at all about things that were happening in the relationship that didn’t feel good for him? Did he initiate any of his own texting when he was on vacation or are you always the one initiating communication with him?
For right now, just be patient and give him some space. Let him feel your absence for a little bit of time. It doesn’t mean you are going anywhere….it just means you are waiting and letting him have a bit of time to feel his life without you in it and maybe figure some stuff out. And then during that time, we can help you come up with a good strategy to help you through this and how to re-connect with him.
Providing as much detail as possible is really helpful for us!!!
HeidiHi Sandra!
It definitely looks like there is a pattern being established that his happening somewhere around the 2 year mark. It really is crazy how many patterns we have in our lives that can show up every month, every year, every 10 years, but we don’t even know it!
It sounds like your list really scared him. He is being honest with you and letting you know he cannot offer you what you want from that list. So what to do next is really up to you. You can decide and agree that who he is, is not able to meet all of your needs…especially falling deeply in love and getting married and creating a life together. He might end up being a really difficult partner for you. If he is not very good at change….he really may be best suited for dating. Getting married and loving someone means A LOT of change! It sounds like he just has a lot of low self esteem. He needs to keep things the way they are, he is disappearing on you when things get tough for him and I’m sure that list just activated a lot of low self esteem as he would have to make a lot of changes to accommodate you. I’d be interested what his list would be. I wonder if he would ever want to get married again. If you decide that he is not a long term person for you, then you can write a letter or leave a voicemail or something saying something like this: “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. I miss you terribly and it’s been hard for me. I’ve decided to really honor your wishes and truly let you go. I understand that you feel you cannot offer me what I want / need and it’s time for me to truly listen to you and accept that. So I’m going to let this go and disappear for awhile as well. I need some time to adjust and heal. Thank you for the time you did give me. It really was wonderful getting to love you. Take care.”
Your other option is to stay and keep fighting for him. The first, and most important part of that, is you accepting him for who he is. You would need to be okay with the possibility that he will never change his mind and he will not get married again. You need to accept that he may disappear sometimes when things get tough. If those are things you feel you are okay with, then you can contact him and have a conversation. You could say something like, “Listen….I’ve done a lot of thinking. I miss you and that’s all I know. If getting married is something you never want to do, I can accept that. The most important thing for me is that we keep growing and getting closer and having fun together. I want to do that with you and no one else. So how about we just let it go….you can forget about my list, as I am willing to as well. And we can just re-start and go have some fun together. Are you willing to do that with me?”
How do these options feel for you?
heidi
Hi Brittany!!
This is great news! I’m glad to hear that he called and initiated contact with you! How do you feel about him now? Did you happen to ask him if everything was okay on his end?
Heidi
Hi Darlene!
Super confusing what is going on! I just have some questions and thoughts. How long have you been dating? When it started out, you said he led you into an intense relationship. What do you mean by that? Did you guys communicate daily and connected on a deep level? What would you say is your “normal” pattern of communication? Are you guys living in the same city?
Is there anything about your relationship that he complained about? Do you know if this is a normal pattern for him? Meaning….does he have a tendency to cut off and pull away when he is struggling with something?
Do you have any idea what caused him to go cold and disconnect? It seems like it happened overnight and nothing really happened, but SOMETHING happened for him. Did you guys ever talk about that and what is going on for him? I”m wondering if he got scared…especially after an intense night of intimacy…maybe he felt things he doesn’t feel ready for.Just for now…stick to your guns and do not initiate. Talk with us a bit more and hopefully we can get more details as to how to handle this.
Heidi
Hi Aubrey!
Thanks for more details! What a bummer for him! To have 2 marriages fail because the ladies did not have integrity…that’s super hard!!! I would not be surprised if his defenses are up and doesn’t really realize it. It would be extremely difficult for someone to allow their heart to fall in love again with that kind of history. His psyche will stop his heart from bonding in a really deep way…that is, if he has never worked on healing all of the hurt. Do you know if he ever got some help about all of it? Did he ever figure out why all of it happened or what the common denominators were?? If not, he would not trust himself, nor women…therefore he will not really fall in love again (this is from a subconscious space). I have seen that happen many times in a relationship. A person reaches a point where they are blocked and just can’t go further and they don’t understand it or know why. It takes a bit of digging, but eventually we get to that place and help create freedom from the lies (very deep down) that are holding them back from moving forward.
How does he talk about his past relationships? Does he seem okay about both of them and has forgiven them? Or does he come across as guarded, resentful, hurt etc.? Does he have a pattern at all of holding onto past things that have hurt him? Or is he pretty forgiving and lets things go? Does he share his feelings about those kinds of things with you pretty easily? How do you think he would take it if you suggested to see a Life Coach or therapist or something of that nature.
You could say something like…”You know….you and I have a great thing going. You love me, but something is stopping you from moving forward with me. Maybe it is 100% because you just don’t feel like we can get to that depth…or maybe there is something blocking you from moving forward….maybe stuff still left over from your past experiences that is buried really deep and not on the surface. I am willing to let you go if that is really what you want right now, but what if we just took a break instead, for a season, and maybe you could see a Relationship Coach or a therapist or someone who knows how to help you understand what is happening. At the very least, you will most likely learn a lot and at the very most, you do discover there was some crap buried super deep preventing you from connecting with me on that level. Would you be willing to at least give that a shot before completely ending things with us?”
It sounds like you guys have such a wonderful relationship! I would really hate to see him walk away without trying something to see what is blocking him. If it is his fear that is stopping him, he will keep running into the same trouble over and over, since the challenge is within him.
I am not exactly clear as to the specific design you guys have set up. Are you guys still talking to each other? Is he reaching out at all? Are you reaching out and he is receptive or has he become really distant?
Heidi
Hi Scarlet!
Thank you for sharing your story and giving us some good details! I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your guy is pretty confused. Getting together with you only 5 months after breaking up with a woman for 6 years…I don’t know anyone who could heal in that amount of time. I know you guys talked a lot, but reality is….it’s just talking. He can tell you all kinds of things, but you actually don’t know a person until you see the action behind those words…and that just takes some time being around each other.
It sounds like you are not willing to let him go. I know he says he loves the way you treat him, but that just isn’t enough. If his heart is still really connected to the chaos of his life with his “x” then that is what you are battling against. He may really enjoy and be comfortable in that kind of mess. Hoarders feel safe and secure in “mess.” It’s called the “womb” effect. The womb was the last place we were all super safe and snug and surrounded. People who don’t feel very safe, will turn towards hoarding and create their own “womb” so to speak in their environment. They are EXTREMELY uncomfortable in peace, clean, easy ways of life. It sounds like he may not be ready to be treated really well. He is split…he has one part of him really bonded to his “x” and another part really bonded to you….and it sounds like he just wants both of you, but reality is, he needs to chose. I guarantee if he were to go back to his “x” the same exact things would happen. It might be good for awhile and then the arguing would show up again, he would become unhappy and he would miss you like crazy. So the problem here is really about HIS unhappiness. It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can. How is your communication? Does he ever complain about anything specific in the relationship?
What is the current status of your relationship? Has he made any decisions? I’m not sure I understand where you guys are at right now and what decisions have been made…
Heidi
Hi Brittany!
There is definitely some need to find out what is going on for him. Have you guys ever met in person? How long has it been an LDR. Have you asked him directly, why his pattern is changing? You could say something like, “I really miss hearing from you everyday. I know something has changed and I don’t know why. It would be really helpful if you shared with me what is going on for you. Would you be willing?”
Do you know if work has gotten more stressful for him at all? Do you guys have a plan as to how to come together at some point?
More details will be really helpful!
heidi
Hi Aubrey!
Wow…this is tough!!! I just have a few questions….how long was he divorced before he got involved with you? Do you know why he got divorced both times? I am wondering if he has a fear, emotional block about really falling in love. I wonder if he doesn’t trust himself to pick a good woman. I wonder if he is sabotaging or…maybe he really doesn’t feel that deeply for you….he may not be capable of that actually. Who knows…he is the only one that could have any answers to this. If you notice any patterns about him, that could give you some clues about what is really going on inside him.
How was the quality of your relationship? Did you guys argue a lot or was it peaceful and easy most of the time? How was your communication with each other? Looking back, can you tell that he may not have been fully invested in the relationship? Did he ever complain about anything specific in regards to the relationship?
More details will help us greatly!!!
