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Hi Latisha!
It’s all good! It’s no big deal really. Dating is the hardest when you have to disappoint someone for sure. I’m wondering if you are willing to see this guy in person though….just once. I can’t tell you how many times I have been disappointed or surprised by the person I met compared to a picture they sent me. I would encourage you to do that. At the very least, you get to feel what it’s like to be around a guy that seems to make you laugh and have a good personality. At the most, you go on a 2nd date.
If you do go on the date…it’s real simple if you want to end it. You can say, “I just don’t feel the way I want to feel in order to move forward with this.”
If you are just not willing to at least go on a date, then you can simply say, “you know…I need to be honest. I have enjoyed exchanging messages with you, but the other day, I had a reality check. I’m not really over my ex yet. He popped back into my life not too long ago and I’m not quite sure if I am ready to let him go. I thought I was more over him than I was. Bottom line, you are a wonderful person and you don’t deserve to get dragged into my indecision. I need to figure this out first before I do anything further. I’m so sorry for not being available to continue forward with you.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Man,…I totally get it! I dated a guy at work once and we had the most amazing and intense connection. When we broke up, although it was peaceful and needed, seeing him every single day and having to interact with him was sooooo hard! It definitely makes it 10x more difficult than if you worked in separate places. I’m sorry you have to go through this. You will find a brand new strength inside of yourself as you heal from this and create a different design that is healthier for you. You will get there eventually. It is just gonna take some time. So make sure you are really taking care of yourself right now. Make sure you are out having some fun!!! That is one of the best ways to fill up your spirit when facing something difficult. Animals are so wonderful too! Maybe go visit a shelter and help walk some dogs.
What kinds of activities put a smile on your face?Heidi
Hi Trudi!
You are asking some wonderful questions and I love your challenge on my approach! Keep it coming please!!!
Let’s talk about this further. Yes…anyone can leave at any time. Accepting that can actually bring more peace in the risk you are taking. Relationship is a risk and that’s the bottom line, universal truth right? Love is unpredictable. Any information out there about how to get your SO to stay committed are just ways that could help along the process, teach someone skillsets to help inspire their partner to stay joined with them on the journey…but that’s all anything is….they are ideas, they are skills, they are ways to understand yourself and your partner and how you can strengthen the interaction…..none of it out there is a guarantee for anything.
I don’t want you to misunderstand me. The path I have taken in guiding you is about you facing the anxiety you have about the future. Again, fear is what fuels anxiety. Fear of pain, yes, is normal and natural, however it can become unhealthy when the fear is in the driver’s seat of your decision. When we are in fear of pain, we actually go into the lower functioning part of our brain and we don’t have access to the higher thinking centers that have more information for us. So the goal, is to help you with the unpredictability of your situation. Finding acceptance that whether you choose him or someone else, it’s a risk and in that risk, there is potential for great pain and for great love. Once you have made peace with the “not knowing” what can happen, whether you stay or go, THEN the anxiety lessens enough to sit in the back seat and the “adult” higher functioning part of yourself sits in the driver’s seat and can make a more clear decision as to what is most important for you.
Reality is Trudi, there is no way for you to know which path is full of more happiness. No one has that answer. You could meet someone new and fall madly in love and then he dies. You could stay with your husband now and have the best years of your life awaiting you. Can you stay in the relationship and feel secure about it? Yes, that’s possible, but it’s also not possible…depending on his choices. What if you started over? Yes…you can be happy again and have a different experience. Love is like a tree. You can grow 1 branch and it gets fed and grows and then something changes and that branch no longer is active. Then you grow another branch that gets fed and grows. Love will not be the same as both branches are different, but none the less, it’s still love. Does that mean the next guy won’t break your heart in some way or another? who knows? All of your questions are driven by future with fear in the driver’s seat. Like you said, it’s quite normal to want to avoid pain and feel happy. Here is the truth….no matter the path you take, you will figure it out. There is both pain and pleasure awaiting you no matter the path you take. So it needs to become a one day at a time kind of thing instead of making a decision that defines the rest of your life from this one moment to either stay or move on. If you leave, you will struggle for sure. If you stay, you have a different struggle to face. Which struggle are you willing to face right now Trudi? If you stay, it’s about working on an even deeper level about letting go of the past and getting all of your thoughts and focus on the present and what is right in front of you. If you leave, you will face the struggle of letting go of a dream and all the emotions tied into that. So for today….and only today, what struggle do you want to face?
So you ask, why make a commitment to begin with if you accept that anyone can leave at anytime? Because you want to take a journey with someone. Because you want to experience deep feelings WITH someone. Because you want to have experiences that you can only have WITH someone. It’s how we HAVE to function in life. Why have pets when we know they are going to die and cause us a ton of sorrow when they die? Why have children when we know that they are going to cost thousands of dollars, make us feel an incredible amount of hurt, anger, frustration and push us in unbelievable ways? We design our lives this way because we want to feel love despite the guarantee of pain…no matter what kind of pain shows up….that love and connection is worth feeling!
So instead of asking, “which path should I take that has the least amount of pain?” Maybe think about asking, “which path causes my heart to open? Which path makes me feel most motivated to grow?” “If I stay, this is what my goals are….(maybe you want to improve communication, maybe you want to have some new adventures, maybe you want to go to couples counseling…decide what you want from the experience) “If I go and move on, these are the experiences I want to create for myself…..”
There is so much I want to keep sharing with you, but I would love your feedback first and how all of this makes you feel. I honestly just want to give you a big hug and offer a ton of comfort as the situation you are in is soooo difficult. You are at a crossroads and it’s a tough choice. When we are faced with those moments, the VERY BEST thing you can do, is to take a path and commit to it until you gather new information that may lead you down a different path. The point is, just to start walking in a direction. You can sit at the crossroads all you want, wondering which path will be easier, but as long as you stay at the beginning and not move, you will never find out. So once you make a choice, commit to it, get support all along the way and stay connected to that wonderful confidence you have and knowing that you will be okay no matter the path you take! My heart is with you!!!
Heidi
Hi Korina!
It sounds like you are really moving on! Good job on getting out there and figuring all of this out. It’s probably a good idea to stay away from your ex. Your interests have gone elsewhere and it sounds like he might need to be single for awhile instead of jumping from lady to lady.
Keep us upated on these guys!!! We would love to hear all this going on for you!
Heidi
Hi Trudi!
That’s wonderful that you do trust in yourself! There might be some holes in it though. If you 100% trusted in yourself, then the anxiety wouldn’t be there. Anxiety is fear about the future. Fear is a lack of feeling safe. There is nothing he can say or do that will make your fear go away. The fear of feeling safe is about your connection with yourself and your trust in yourself. The safety needs to come from your insides, and not from any words he can tell you..because it doesn’t matter what he says…none of it is a guarantee. Does that make sense? I have a TON of trust in myself, but sometimes, something shows up in life where it exposes the weak links and where my trust is not as solid as I thought. Maybe this is what is happening for you? If you don’t agree with what I am saying, let me know what you think it has to do with. You obviously know yourself really well, so help guide me if I am off!!!
As far as the hard choice you have to make….your fear could exist about anyone. Your fear is in you, therefore, even if you do start over, that fear will carry with you. So why not face the fear and resolve that fear and THEN make a decision. It is NEVER a clear decision when fear is at the source of making that decision. Thoughts?
HeidiHi Joy!
Wow! Well done! It takes incredible strength to acknowledge your role in this situation and take ownership of it. Not many people can do that, so I have a lot of respect for you and your choice!!! Any man would be lucky to be with a person who takes responsibility for their own emotions and doesn’t point the finger all the time.!!!
Keep working on yourself and getting things in order. The more you connect to yourself, the less needy you will be.So glad you shared with us!!
HeidiYes! It is a guessing game trying to figure out what someone is really thinking and feeling. That will be true for the rest of your life, so the skill you have to develop is to learn to be okay not knowing. When we get soooo focused on the “why” it actually hinders our ability to heal. By sometimes throwing up your hands saying “I don’t know and I never will” and then closing the door by accepting that….it creates closure for you and allows you to accept his choice and move on with your life. IT’s what people have to do when someone has died or moved out of the country or something to that affect. It’s a hard thing to do, but an important choice for your health and sanity. The more you can be okay not knowing the answer to the “why” question, the easier your life will be.
Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
Hi Kristin!
This is great!!! He is initiating which is exactly what you want. Sure! say something before he leaves! YOu didn’t respond to his text last night, so saying something about his trip and leaving can be good! It sounds like the exchanges are light, funny, personal and easy….which is the point. So still keep it light and simple when you message him. YOu could say something like, “You are leaving tomorrow, so I just wanted to say goodbye before you left. I promise to save all my questions each day for when you get back….”Keep it light and fun and I’m sure he would appreciate that!
HeidiHi Trudi!
Thank you for all of this wond3erful information. you have a lot of reason to be wary, cautious and anxious. I think that is the main aspect of all of this.Here is the truth. He cannot promise to you that you will be the only woman he will ever love again. NO ONE can promise that. Relationships are a risk and a DAILY choice. People will forever come in and out of our lives and sometimes, one may catch our eye in a very different and interesting and tempting way to cause someone to break their integrity. So the issue is not about him making promises and “proving” anything to you. The issue is about you accepting and getting more comfortable with the truth that life is unpredictable. Promises are just words for the moment, not guarantees.
You are not trusting of him because the truth is, he absolutely could go back to her again. He did it 2x already and could do it again. The truth is, he hasn’t developed a skillset to deal with his emotional needs to make a different choice in the future. He can read all he wants, he can watch videos etc., but that does not change the deep stuff that causes someone to break their word. IT sounds like he is not willing to go down that path at the moment, so the reality is….he is just gonna do what he’s gonna do. So what do you do with that??? You learn to put your trust in YOURSELF and not him. It’s about you TRUSTING YOURSELF that no matter what his choices are in life, you are going to be okay. You will figure out how to get back up on your feet regardless, because you are resilient…and that’s what you don’t really know nor believe about within yourself. If you are going to move forward with him, that is CRUCIAL for you…a foundation….and then all the rest of the stuff will be much easier to deal with and resolve. This is about YOU making YOU feel better and not relying on him to do that for your. You need to be so connected to yourself that you don’t fall apart when your outside world falls apart. That is true strength. That type of strength allows you to take life in stride. It allows you to feel more peaceful and drastcially reduces the need to control your world so you don’t get hurt or be fooled.
Does that make sense???
HEidi
p.s. I LOVE John Gottman!!! What about going through a workshop together…. a weekend or week long trip where you go through stuff together?
Hi Linda,
It sounds like this guy is who you really want to be with. The challenge is, his work sounds all consuming and that he is not very good at staying connected to you when you guys are apart.
There are maybe 2 things you can try…as the reality is, this is his job and it is not going to change anytime soon….so you need to deal with this and fully accept this path you have chosen.
1. He knows how you feel, but have you guys come up with any strategies as to how to help you through this? It’s talking to him in a way that isn’t pushy, but simply talking through some strategies about what he is willing to do and give and what you need from him. So maybe a simple text right before he goes to bed saying, “thinking about you, heading to bed, wish you were here.” That takes less than 30 seconds and you can agree to just respond with 1 sentence vs. trying to create a conversation. What about video chatting every few weeks for 30 seconds. What about sending pics of your adventures? when you message him, does he typically respond to you or ignore that as well?
2. Another strategy to help you is to find some activities that really nourish your soul. Do you love dancing? any type of art? maybe volunteer with some animals? It’s super super important for you to really find ways to get your needs met. You are lonely, so go make some new friends with a new activity. No…it doesn’t replace him, but it can definitely help you deal with these long stretches of not seeing each other. so what kinds of activities can you add to your life that are fun?
Heidi
Man…I hear ya! I have said that myself a million times, along with several ladies….”Why the heck can’t he just say what he is feeling to my face instead of just ignoring me and disappearing???” It is so extremely frustrating!!!! The answer is fear. Whenever someone just disappears instead of talking to the person face to face, they are afraid of something. Sometimes that fear is entirely silly and they are just being chicken. Sometimes that fear is very valid and disappearing is really their best option. For example, what if he is afraid to talk to you because he has such strong feelings that he knows he will not be able to say “no” to you in person. So the only thing he knows to do, is to just disappear. If that is the case, then I get it! He might be stronger than you in the way that he knows it would not be a very wise path to travel down, so if he can just jump off the path and get his wits about him again…then he can save himself from a lot of drama in his future. You obviously are willing to go through all of that drama and take that path. Most women are! lol. Sometimes it takes the guy rescuing us (by rejecting us) from our willingness to take super big risks!!!
Either way…he is just scared and he is the only one who knows why he is making that choice. Maybe at some point you guys can actually talk about it and clear the air. Maybe not. For right now, he is not responding to you, so the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and let him go. If, at some point, something changes, you can address it at that time. Otherwise, it’s time to really look at creating your new life as a single person and all that it entails!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Trudi,
Wow! You are quite the trooper. Well done for forgiving him and really taking to heart your desire to change and grow as a person so you can be a better partner to him. You are asking some VERY POWERFUL questions that important….usually the more powerful they are, the more scary the answers can be. If you were not scared, I would wonder why not.
I wish we could answer these questions for you. You ultimately are the only one who can really decide what you want in a relationship. Over the many years I have interviewed couples, I have heard a lot of different answers about what it’s like to be married or together for decades. Many, many times, the people light up. Bored is not a part of their description. I’m sure there are boring moments, as that is just life, but being bored with their partner isn’t how they feel. I’m only saying this because it’s important for you to know that it’s possible to be together for 30 years and not be bored.
So let’s first explore what this means for you. Boredom is about not being stimulated. But in what way? HOW are you bored? Is conversation with him boring? Is sex getting boring? Is he maybe disconnecting a bit, therefore doesn’t have a deep connection with you like you desire? WHAT is boring?
I’m curious to know what HE has done to work on his own issues. You have purchased programs, you have learned new skills, you have worked on forgiveness…all in efforts to be a better partner. What has he done?
Here is the thing…it wouldn’t be unusual for the relationship to get boring sometimes…but if it feels like it gets boring pretty easily, then that causes me to raise my eyebrow a bit. If you have to work hard at not being bored in the relationship, then there is something more fundamental missing possibly. Maybe you 2 together is not a sparkly, fun, adventurous match. Explain your relationship to me. How do you guys interact? How do you have fun and play together? What is the romance like and who initiates it? Do you guys ever travel? I have had 2 boyfriends in my life that made me feel like we could be in the middle of the desert with nothing around and I would still have a blast around them…because our chemistry was natural, easy, likeminded, playful and adventurous…we were always laughing and having fun together…in an effortless way…it didn’t take any work at all to create that vibe and that vibe never once disappeared over the years. So that’s the kind of info. I’m looking for from you. It will help us know how you guys interact, so we can better give you some ideas.
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for all that you went through. It sounds like you are still picking up the pieces and discovering a different version of yourself as different people show up in your life. It can be quite the challenging path.
Did you want to delete the entire post? At the top of your particular post, there should be some small words….one of them is “edit.” That should allow you to change anything you need to.
Heidi
Hi Nikol!
Man…that is such a bummer that he hasn’t connected very well with his son since you guys have been back. Did they have a strong bond at all or has your husband always been distant due to the challenges your son faces in his life? Just curious.
I would wait a bit to send that letter. My thought process is this. If you spend some time just focusing on yourself and not initiating contact and making any effort, he will feel your absence in his life. Then…after a month or 2, you send him a letter letting him know the past few months you have really been working on moving on with your life and finding a space of gratitude for him, instead of hurt and anger. And that is why you are writing your letter….to let him know that even though you are separate paths, you have an incredible amount of gratitude and appreciation for….. If you give him that letter too soon, especially after hearing he wants to marry her, he may not take your letter to heart and that it is a manipulative attempt at getting him back. But if you wait awhile, he might have a stronger reaction to the letter. Of course that is just my theory. You do what feels best for you! Again, being the kind of personality he is…this is going to take a looooong while and a lot of patience on your end.
I love your attitude! Keep up that viewpoint and you will make it through this challenge not necessarily easy, but with a lot of gifts for you. There are many wonderful things awaiting you on this path as long as you stay connected to yourself and what is healthy for you and for your son. Your son is sooooo lucky to have you!
Let me know your thoughts about waiting a bit on the letter!
Heidi
OH wow Nikol!
A lot has happened for you guys. I’m so sorry to hear about all the struggles you are going through and having to see him and his new lady all the time. That is so hurtful!!!
It sounds like he is really holding a grudge against you. Is he most angry about the affair you chose to have? It sounds like he is the kind of guy who is quite stubborn and will do what he needs to do and may even be revengeful about it. Is that accurate at all? Is he the kind of guy that doesn’t forgive easily? Is he the type to hold onto grudges? If he is….you have a loooong road ahead of you. Not that it won’t lead you right back where you want to be, but it will take a TON of work and patience for you to get there.
For now, you have apologized for your part in things. I’m curious…has he apologized to you at all for his part in this and the hurt he caused as well?
To start, I would suggest to honor his requests. Leave him alone and work on re-creating your life without him. Figure out ways to bring happiness back into your life all on your own. Find activities to do that make you happy and have fun. Many times, when the guy sees the lady have strength and having fun without him, it can activate his need to pursue. HE WANTS TO BE THE SOURCE OF YOUR HAPPINESS. So it may work for him to see you happy instead of miserable. My other thought is, he could be with this girl to also cause you hurt. It’s could be a passive aggressive way to get back at you. So you being happy would have the opposite affect he wants to see. You being happy would make him feel less valuable in your life. You being happy would not meet his needs to see you miserable without him. You being happy…most of all…is really important for you as well.
That would be the place I would recommend you starting. Try that for a good 2 to 3 months and see how it makes you feel. You have a long road ahead of you, especially since he is with a youngster right now who is distracting him from how he really feels. That needs to fizzle out first and foremost before you can get his attention again. So plan on taking this really slow with him. The most important part of this, is the PROCESS, and not the end result. Yes…you want him back, however, learning about yourself along the way, developing new skills on how to be a better partner needs to be a part of this path…the entire way. So that if you guys do get back together…you will be different and know how to improve on what you guys used to have together.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
