[Heidi G]

I understand all of your wondering. Some of his responses would lead anyone to think that there are some feelings there. I imagine there are, but even if he does have feelings for you, they are not strong enough to inspire him to move forward again with you.

So it’s time to not “wonder” anymore. The answers don’t matter. They are very insignificant details. So when you wonder why about this or that…again, you stop yourself and just answer those questions floating around in your head with “it’s over” and turn your attentions elsewhere. Over and over you need to do this. The more you allow yourself to wonder, the emotional attachments will stay strong and it’s time for you to break those and move on. Let go of the story you created with him and imagine yourself free of him and open and available for someone else in your future.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Darlene,

Oh man! I am so sorry!!! I get why it’s so hard. He said, many times, some really wonderful things to you that would make you feel safe and likeminded about building a future together…then one day he pulls the rug out from under you. Something is happening for him and from what he said, it has nothing to do with you.

Here is something to REALLY understand about men. Men are driven and have their self esteem wrapped around their ability to produce and provide in life. For women, it’s all about relationship and connection. 2 very different things that drive us. It’s one of the amazing things that help men and women co-exist AND it also is what causes a lot of problems as well. Over and over I have coached women on dealing with men who just can’t be in a relationship when their life, their ability to produce is threatened, beyond challenging etc. Men have THE HARDEST TIME being in and / or building a romantic relationship when that part of their life is not settled. It sounds like that is just the case for you guys. He is so overwhelmed and trying to make you happy is something he is not able to handle any longer. If he were a woman, the relationship would be nourishing and helping, but being a guy, it’s another thing to “take care of.”

I know it’s not fair as it sounds like you have been really supportive and doing everything you could to help him and it still didn’t turn out. Sometimes, it just doesn’t matter what you do…the guy has to be willing to fight for the relationship and from the list of all he has to deal with, it just doesn’t seem like he has that capacity at the moment.

So it’s that time of accepting his choice and working on healing your broken heart. No need to wait for him. Go live your life. For right now, he is not available and who knows when he will be. It’s important that you move on and re-design your life and heal. In the future, if he does approach you again, you can connect with him then if that is your desire….or….maybe you will find someone just as amazing that is available for you. If you just sit and wait and reserve your heart for this guy, all you are doing is preventing yourself from healing and that isn’t healthy for you. Healing and moving on in your life does not mean that you guys can’t get back together in the future. Who knows!!! Either way, this is your life and every day you want to live your life with a full and open heart to receive anything that shows up on your doorstep. So for now, work on letting him go. Let him go deal with his life and you go deal with yours now.

What do you think?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kim!

Thanks for sharing your story!! You sound like you really have done well recovering from the loss of your love 4 years ago. Well done….that is a horrible thing to have to endure, but it sounds like you are resilient and allowed yourself some time to heal.

My first recommendation is to stop those thoughts “I am feeling this is the man for me.” I am wondering if you have ever done the online dating thing before. If you haven’t, there is a very common trap that people fall into. They start chatting and create this really strong and amazing connection and all the feelings start whirling around. People start to really bond and begin creating their life / thoughts / emotions with that person. Then they meet. Instantly they are disappointed. Or instantly they are happy. You just never know!!! This is the reason I encourage people to meet sooner than later. Sooooooo many times, the in person meeting is just not up to par to the fantasy that gets created throughout the days and weeks of communicating. So hold tight and keep your emotions / heart close. Don’t give much credence into this guy until you meet….THEN you can see how much he is who he says he is.

I wouldn’t worry too much about him not connecting much before sailing. I imagine there is a ton to prepare before a trip like that. I’m sure he will re-connect when he returns.

As far as getting him to focused on meeting you, you can start to throw out some hints and see what he does with it. You can start asking him what kinds of fun things does he have planned for the weekend. Hopefully he asks you in return and you can say something like, “No plans at the moment. Just gonna hang around and maybe go to a movie or something.” Or “No plans as of this moment. I did see there was this amazing exhibit at this museum that interests me.”

If more weeks start to go by without him asking you out, I personally would just be more blunt and say something like, “Hey…listen…we’ve been talking for a handful of weeks now and I feel like it’s time to meet up. I am really enjoying your company and getting to know you, so before we really go any further, I feel it’s important to actually meet in person and see what we are like together. What do you think?”

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Korina,

Yes…I would agree that there is some fear about being alone, so you are surrounding yourself with male attention to not have to face that side of life. It’s a very common fear, however a fear that may be worth facing at some point. There is much to gain during a season of just being alone and getting to know who you are without a man telling you that you are gorgeous. I sense you get a lot of self esteem by how the guys respond to you.

Remember to stay cautious about any guys you haven’t met yet. I’m really glad you are excited about the military guy. Hopefully he turns out to be as wonderful as you think he is. Stay cautious though. Don’t give away too much of your information. I personally would not have given him any personal information like where I used to work. He can claim all he wants that he is checking your identity, but it doesn’t mean that’s true. Keep your heart and your personal info. protected until the person has proven to you that they are legit, you have some time and experience with him and you know his life and what he really is like. So I strongly recommend to keep any further information that is personal, close to your heart and guard it. When do you get to meet this guy?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m sorry Laura. I’m glad you are accepting the situation for what it is and willing to face the loss. Maybe it’s best for you! If you need any other help, let us know!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Laura,

Do you have any ideas if there was anything else happening for him? I find it unusual for 1 event to push someone over the edge. Usually there is a buildup from other things or the event triggered something from his past. For him to put his walls up like that, when that is not a normal pattern for him….that’s quite an extreme reaction, which again leads me to think there are some other underlying issues….he may be aware of them or not…only he would know the answer to that.

How was his childhood? Is there anything from that situation that you could see may have triggered something from his past?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sharlene!

What a wonderful job you are doing!!! I really want to give you kudos for seeing the truth about the situation. I know it doesn’t change the fact that you want him back. It’s a battle for sure….there is no way around that. Here are a few ideas that can help you process everything and get it all out:

1. Talk into a digital recorder as if you were talking to him. I did this with an ex of mine after we broke up for the last time. It was actually quite amazing!!! I got all of the words out of my swirling head and said them…with emotion, with conviction and some days I was angry and some days I missed him like crazy and wanted him back. I just kept that recorder in my car and I talked and talked and talked and said everything I needed to say. It helped relieve a lot of the edge on my feelings.

2. You can also write a looong letter as to what you want to say him. Then go somewhere beautiful, tie that letter to a bunch of helium balloons, then let them go. Make a ceremony of it….really choosing to let go of the dreams you created with him in your heart.

3. YOu can also write a letter and burn it in a trash can.

4. You can draw a picture of him, pin it up on a tree and throw a dozen or so eggs at it, saying whatever you need to say….obviously you do this one when you are going through the cycle of anger.

5. You can put on a song that matches what you are feeling and dance it out! If you feel depressed, dance depression, if you feel longing for him, dance longing etc. This is actually quite powerful too!

6. You can blow up a balloon…every time you exhale your breath into that balloon, imagine it’s all the unhealthy feelings you want to get out of your body…then pop it with a pin! Poof! All those emotions are transformed and disappear into thin air!

It’s not easy what you are doing and it’s very normal to crave him, miss him and want to get back together. Now is a VERY important time you keep taking care of yourself. Anytime you find yourself fantasizing / thinking about him, you follow those thoughts with all those arguments when he came home drunk. It’s important you maintain the FULL story of who he is, not just the best parts! When you think about him, you stop yourself and keep saying over and over again, “It’s over and I’m okay.”

You can do this!!!! It’s gonna take some time! Kanya is very accurate in saying it can take a year or longer to really heal after a relationship that lasted that long! All you need to do is focus on caring for yourself, taking care of your heart by doing lots of lovely things for yourself and a HUGE important part of your healing is laughter and fun.

Here are some ideas:

1. Happy movies are wonderful brain breaks
2. Volunteer someone and help others
3. Go hang out with some animals!!! They have a lot of healing power!!
4. Do you like dancing? Maybe join a dance class
5. Go to one of the ceramic stores and paint your own dish
6. Go hiking and get out in nature
7. Go see something new
8. go to the flower shop and make a few bouquets of flowers and put them all around your house

Pleasure, laughter, fun is a CRUCIAL part of healing!

Keep us updated and let us know how you are doing!!! We are here to support you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh wonderful!!! I’m glad to hear you feel good about taking this path. Will you keep us updated??? I really would like to hear about your first date night and how everything goes!!! Thank you for sharing your story with us!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melissa!

It is soooo confusing why someone who is getting exactly what they wanted in a relationship would sabotage it. I have seen this a gazillion times and done it myself. I don’t know his past, but if he was in an abusive relationship, someone taught him that way before this girl came a long. Whenever you allow yourself to be abused, there usually is previous abuse as a child or at the very least, a lost of shaming, blaming, verbal abuse. So my guess is, he is comfortable or used to that type of treatment on some level.

Then you come along and he has a wonderful experience with you. My guess is, it’s probably way too good for his tastes. When someone has such low self esteem, they don’t have the ability nor tolerance to be happy in a relationship. That low self esteem is fueling his mind and heart with “You don’t deserve to be happy” “she isn’t real…this relationship won’t last” “This can’t be possible to be happy…something is wrong.” Those types of thoughts will be running like a constant script in his unconscious and will influence all relationships and the design of his life. Obviously there is another part of him that wanted to experience something healthy, otherwise he wouldn’t have attracted you. But his ability to keep his heart open and connective just isn’t there. There is a lot of woundedness and baggage getting in the way. I have seen this so many times where there is an amazing amount of potential with a guy, but there are too many walls, baggage type of stuff in the way. I personally just don’t participate in something like that because that baggage will leak out onto me since they don’t have the skillset to face it and deal with it. And it doesn’t sound like this guy is willing to face himself. He is a super big “project” to take on most likely. His heart would not allow you in. You would be banging on the door of his heart until your arm fell off. I would then ask you….what is inside of you that you are wanting to fight for a guy who is not willing to first fight for himself and isn’t willing to fight for you? I’d love your thoughts on this!

Heidi

p.s. I’m not saying not to fight for him. I’m playing devil’s advocate here and offering you educated guesses on what you might be dealing with and inviting you to think about, on a deeper level, why you are choosing to continue to participate in a very difficult situation.

[Heidi G]

Hi Korina,

I think meditating and staying where you are is what might work best for you right now. It sounds like there is so much going on that staying put and really getting your bearings is a good idea. Once life settles down for you, you might have a more clear mind to figure out what is best for you. It’s so important to commit to yourself first before any person / man. You are the only one who can fight for your health, your balance, your happiness. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility, so starting to meditate and playing close heed to what your therapist, friends and mom are saying to you (ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE ALL SAYING THE SAME EXACT THING).

There is not need to make any decisions at the moment. Keep taking 1 day at a time and focus on yourself and everything will unfold for you as it needs to.

Thank you for the update!!! Keep it coming!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Trudi!!!!

Yeeeessss!!!! You got it completely!!! I’m soooo happy to hear all of this from you. I don’t know that book, so I’m going to read it. I want to know how he said it that finally made sense to you. Thank you so much for sharing.

Here is the bottom line. You will fail and you will succeed. Each moment will have gifts for you. You will take your anxiety and carry it like a little briefcase as you go on your journey. It’s not that you won’t have anxiety anymore…we all get that about situations…it’s about moving forward anyways. Many times, I pick up my briefcase full of fear and walk into the situation carrying it with me. That’s okay! It’s just human. It when that fear stops us from moving forward that it becomes harmful. Just like you are recognizing, your anxiety stole your joy and happiness in those wonderful happy times in your life. So anxiety seems to be the main subject of your challenges and what you are really meant to face right now and I couldn’t be more proud that you are facing it on a deeper level!!!! That is resilience! I have fallen a gazillion times, but what I do know about myself is that I will get back up and that is a life well lived!!!

Well done and thanks for hanging in there with me…it was an honor to be a part of your process!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Latisha,

Wowowowow! What a wonderful thing you did for yourself! You used your voice, regardless of how he would respond! This is so empowering and you got some information you have really been wanting! Just like Kanya said, you are very brave! That was not an easy thing you did and I commend you!

I know you love him. You would not be fighting for him so much if there were not a connection there. Unfortunately, love is just not enough. So many more aspects need to be in place in order for a relationship to work and be healthy for both people….and it just doesn’t sound like he is in that mindset.

Yes…it is a one day at a time kind of thing at the moment. Isn’t that how faith is built??? It’s the most amazing time to rest in the hands that are there for you and to comfort you. I call it the “Lake of I don’t know.” It’s the place where there are no answers and to be honest, we wouldn’t really need faith if we always had the answers we needed right? So the “lake of I don’t know” is a VERY special time to strengthen your bond, trust and faith with God….and get cozy there!!!!

What do ya think?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is helpful information. Have you ever sat down and really discussed what he means. All the statements you offered here are very general. I would approach this in a way that helps me understand the FULL picture. There are so many things that could be influencing how he feels. His beliefs about parenting, how he parented his children, the lessons he feels she needs to learn, the emotions from the day or even his past, how he feeling about his life and as a father in general….and the list goes on an on. People also change a lot as they get older, for 2 main reasons. The longer they carry around any emotional baggage, the heavier it gets as they age. And then it starts to REALLY leak out into their lives because they never dealt with anything. The other is that children are growing older and so are they. A person can start to feel like their life is more behind them than in front of the. I’m not sure how old your guy is, so I’m throwing this theory out there as something to consider.

I would start doing a few things. First, I would look for patterns. Since he only gets like that every once in awhile, I would mark those days that he gets like that, on the calendar. I know that may sound weird, but sooooo many times, people get cranky during certain times and many times, a pattern can be found during a time of the month, a certain day of the week etc. I would also look at what he is FEELING outside of complaining about your parenting style. Is his life extra stressful in that moment? Is he feeling powerless somewhere in his life? Are there any stressors that are more intense during that time? And as a starting place, I would recommend to plan a date with him. Go somewhere nice for dinner and have a date night. Make sure you both dress a bit nicer than your daily outfits. And plan that time to empty out. It’s not a night of dumping on each other, but more a night of being curious about what the other person is thinking and feeling. It’s a time of reconnecting and getting to know each other on a deeper level without any distractions around. I would bring up this parenting challenge. I recommend to really listen to him….no need to defend yourself and how you parent. Just listen and ask a lot of questions and get very specific details as to what he means when he says those things. Really look at his perspective and see if there is any truth in it for you and then come up with a plan together that makes you both feel good about how to help prepare her for her life. I imagine that is what his intent is…he wants her to be prepared for life. Ask a lot of questions about what it means for him and then also request that when and if he says those things again, to say them in private. To TALK to you about what he is feelings vs. being accusatory and causing you both to feel hurt. You can say something like, “I have no doubt you love our daughter and I know you are only wanting the best for her. How do you feel about just leaving those comments to yourself until you and I are alone and we can talk about what you are seeing and feeling and we can get on the same page together. I feel like that will be more helpful for me to really listen to you and she will not misunderstand you and get hurt by how you are speaking about her. Do you feel this is possible and reasonable?”

Let me know what you think about this approach!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Darla,

Wow….there is definitely a lot going on here. 11 mouths to feed, a business to keep afloat, alcoholic and now a “nagging” wife (as I’m sure he would say). You guys have been in a pattern for sooo many years, with all those children, it’s definitely going to take some time to adjust. Women are built for relationship and connection. It’s the core of who we are. Men are built for producing. It’s at the core of who they are. They are driven by making things happen. So you both are operating from your fundamental core needs. You need connection, he needs to produce. Those needs can actually compliment each other in a lot of ways, but as you are experiencing, they can also clash quite a bit. I have seen it over and over again…where the parents have to get to know each other all over again once the last kid leaves. And many many times, it’s not a pretty site. The parents get so wrapped up in being parents that they make each other last on the list.

I don’t know about whether he still loves you or not, but I do know that the little time you do spend together, you are complaining to him about him and that can take whatever fire is left and smother it right out. You, of course, are just trying to connect and pull him out of his funk and get him to become your husband again.

Your situation is so layered, I am wondering if you would be willing to see a counselor or a coach. There are a lot of dynamics at play here that are going to take a lot of time to unfold. Is that something that is possible for you?

In the meantime, experiment a little. Instead of complaining about what you are not getting from him, what about appreciating him for you are getting. The little time you spend together for breakfast, can you reminisce about some happy times and talk about happy memories that make you guys laugh? (try not to talk about the kids…find memories of just the 2 of you). And when you take him dinner in bed, maybe write a little note every once in awhile saying, “I love you” “I appreciate how hard you work” “I love the house we get to live in because of all your hard work. Thank you” Leaving little notes like that in his wallet, his car etc. can help put some money in the soul bank. I wonder that would begin to helps shift things in the direction you are wanting. Let go of talking about his limitations for awhile and give it a rest. Complain to us, complain to your girlfriends, but don’t complain to him for a bit and just see what happens.

Thoughts?

[Heidi G]

also….how old is your daughter?

[Author]

Posts