[Heidi G]

This is helpful information. Have you ever sat down and really discussed what he means. All the statements you offered here are very general. I would approach this in a way that helps me understand the FULL picture. There are so many things that could be influencing how he feels. His beliefs about parenting, how he parented his children, the lessons he feels she needs to learn, the emotions from the day or even his past, how he feeling about his life and as a father in general….and the list goes on an on. People also change a lot as they get older, for 2 main reasons. The longer they carry around any emotional baggage, the heavier it gets as they age. And then it starts to REALLY leak out into their lives because they never dealt with anything. The other is that children are growing older and so are they. A person can start to feel like their life is more behind them than in front of the. I’m not sure how old your guy is, so I’m throwing this theory out there as something to consider.

I would start doing a few things. First, I would look for patterns. Since he only gets like that every once in awhile, I would mark those days that he gets like that, on the calendar. I know that may sound weird, but sooooo many times, people get cranky during certain times and many times, a pattern can be found during a time of the month, a certain day of the week etc. I would also look at what he is FEELING outside of complaining about your parenting style. Is his life extra stressful in that moment? Is he feeling powerless somewhere in his life? Are there any stressors that are more intense during that time? And as a starting place, I would recommend to plan a date with him. Go somewhere nice for dinner and have a date night. Make sure you both dress a bit nicer than your daily outfits. And plan that time to empty out. It’s not a night of dumping on each other, but more a night of being curious about what the other person is thinking and feeling. It’s a time of reconnecting and getting to know each other on a deeper level without any distractions around. I would bring up this parenting challenge. I recommend to really listen to him….no need to defend yourself and how you parent. Just listen and ask a lot of questions and get very specific details as to what he means when he says those things. Really look at his perspective and see if there is any truth in it for you and then come up with a plan together that makes you both feel good about how to help prepare her for her life. I imagine that is what his intent is…he wants her to be prepared for life. Ask a lot of questions about what it means for him and then also request that when and if he says those things again, to say them in private. To TALK to you about what he is feelings vs. being accusatory and causing you both to feel hurt. You can say something like, “I have no doubt you love our daughter and I know you are only wanting the best for her. How do you feel about just leaving those comments to yourself until you and I are alone and we can talk about what you are seeing and feeling and we can get on the same page together. I feel like that will be more helpful for me to really listen to you and she will not misunderstand you and get hurt by how you are speaking about her. Do you feel this is possible and reasonable?”

Let me know what you think about this approach!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Darla,

Wow….there is definitely a lot going on here. 11 mouths to feed, a business to keep afloat, alcoholic and now a “nagging” wife (as I’m sure he would say). You guys have been in a pattern for sooo many years, with all those children, it’s definitely going to take some time to adjust. Women are built for relationship and connection. It’s the core of who we are. Men are built for producing. It’s at the core of who they are. They are driven by making things happen. So you both are operating from your fundamental core needs. You need connection, he needs to produce. Those needs can actually compliment each other in a lot of ways, but as you are experiencing, they can also clash quite a bit. I have seen it over and over again…where the parents have to get to know each other all over again once the last kid leaves. And many many times, it’s not a pretty site. The parents get so wrapped up in being parents that they make each other last on the list.

I don’t know about whether he still loves you or not, but I do know that the little time you do spend together, you are complaining to him about him and that can take whatever fire is left and smother it right out. You, of course, are just trying to connect and pull him out of his funk and get him to become your husband again.

Your situation is so layered, I am wondering if you would be willing to see a counselor or a coach. There are a lot of dynamics at play here that are going to take a lot of time to unfold. Is that something that is possible for you?

In the meantime, experiment a little. Instead of complaining about what you are not getting from him, what about appreciating him for you are getting. The little time you spend together for breakfast, can you reminisce about some happy times and talk about happy memories that make you guys laugh? (try not to talk about the kids…find memories of just the 2 of you). And when you take him dinner in bed, maybe write a little note every once in awhile saying, “I love you” “I appreciate how hard you work” “I love the house we get to live in because of all your hard work. Thank you” Leaving little notes like that in his wallet, his car etc. can help put some money in the soul bank. I wonder that would begin to helps shift things in the direction you are wanting. Let go of talking about his limitations for awhile and give it a rest. Complain to us, complain to your girlfriends, but don’t complain to him for a bit and just see what happens.

Thoughts?

[Heidi G]

also….how old is your daughter?

[Heidi G]

Hi!

This is a great question and a caring question. I love that you want to make his feelings matter as that is one of the most important things a man needs. Has he always been like this about her? Does he say these things in front her? What is their relationship like?

It’s important that he feels he is being listened to and that he also is appreciated for what he is doing right as a father. Tell me some ways that he is also a good father? Do you ever say these things to him?

Is his attitude starting to affect your relationship with him? Do you feel walls starting to separate you guys?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sharlene,

Whenever someone gets anxiety or freezes up about hurting someone, that usually is something from the past. He has no tolerance for disappointing someone. Being that he is an alcoholic, did he also grow up with an alcoholic parent. He is using alcohol to manage his emotions, so he definitely does not have a healthy skillset to deal with disappointment on any level.

I’m wondering if you would consider the possibility of letting this guy go. No matter how good you are together when things are good, it matters more how good you are together when things are hard and difficult. You can change as much as you want, but unless he works on dealing with anxiety, improves on his communication and deals with his relationship with alcohol, you guys are gonna end up in the same exact cycle. BOTH people need to change in order to have the relationship be different, and it doesn’t sound like that is something he is doing.

What makes you think that it would be any different than before?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Marie,

I’m sorry to hear this. It’s really hard to make a mistake and then not be forgiven for it.
Did you guys break up because of this? How long were you together? Does he have a pattern of not forgiving people? How was your relationship when you were together? Peaceful, challenging etc.? How long have you been broken up?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Korina!

Wow…a lot has happened. It’s never too late for anything. It sounds like you are really getting bogged down with a lot of different options, so maybe it is good for you to take a break for a bit. If you got back with your ex, you can always undo it. What is most important is that you really stay connected to yourself and what you need to stay balanced and healthy….connect to and take care of yourself first and then you can invite someone into your life what would support that for you. It sounds like maybe spending some time alone could be a good thing for you so you can get your bearings again.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Latisha!

Thanks for the update! I’m not super excited about his response. It is the response of a man who isn’t really THAT interested. It was a bit “eager” of you to ask him to hang out for something that is a few months away. I really don’t know anyone who makes hang out plans a few months in advance unless it’s a concert or something. I’m also not a fan of you never really knowing what he will react like. Let me reflect back to you what you are saying about him.

1. He annoying
2. He is unpredictable
3. You never know what his response will be
4. You don’t talk as often
5. You sometimes have fun on the phone
6. He is non-committal

Now….you are telling me that you are not sure you want to get back together with him, but you just want to “hang out” and see what it’s like so you can decide whether there is more potential there? Does that mean you are going to ignore ALL the signs that have been showing up for you right now? It keeps feeling like you want to revisit the past. You want things to be the way they used to be with him, but they just aren’t….but you keep hoping he might come around. Reading his response, to be honest, tells me he is saying in a very nice way….no. He just isn’t that into you. He doesn’t know what will happen in a few months and he is definitely not showing any signs at all of wanting to get back together with you. If a guy really wants something, he goes for it. Now, that’s not to say that he may change over time. I’m just saying that for right now, in this moment, he just isn’t very excited about you. You deserve a guy who is excited to see you, excited to talk to you, is more predictable (an unpredictable emotional man does not help a woman feel safe – the number 1 need for a woman in a relationship). It’s okay that you don’t want to date…you will do whatever you are able to handle at any given moment.

I just want to really bring you back to yourself and ask you….what do you really want? You seem very much on the fence about this guy. He doesn’t seem to be initiating any hang out times and that is something REALLY important for the man to do. You ended up asking him out to celebrate a super huge achievement and he brushes you off. Is this really the kind of guy you want to keep spending your energy on? If yes, tell me why. Tell me what he has that makes you want to fight for him so much. What makes you stay connected to him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Adlen,

Thank you for more details! I’m wondering how his last relationship ended and what kind of relationship it was. Did he get his heart broken? Was it a messy or peaceful ending? What has he ever said to you about his experience of that relationship?

So it sounds like you guys were apart awhile and then when you reconnected, you guys became intimate. Is that correct? Have you guys ever had the conversation about what you want from each other? Have you guys ever talked about being interested in something serious or something lite and easy?

I’m not sure I fully understand. He disconnects for a few days and then re-connects, then disappears again? Is that what you mean? Is he ever initiating contact with you or are you doing all the initiating?

Even though you were intimate, were you guys able to connect back into the friendship side of things and enjoy each other’s company???

Sorry for more questions….trying to get a good feel about this.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kristin,

wow! What an incredible attitude you have CHOSEN. It’s soooo easy to choose the path of anger, resentment and blame. Not that you don’t feel those emotions, but it sounds like you are really working through them and facing them instead of burying them. This guy is what it looks like to bury emotions. He hasn’t dealt with his past hurts truly and completely. His automatic and sudden shut down is evidence of that.

It’s interesting that he did mention he was not interested in getting close to someone, yet he sure bonded with you. His actions and words didn’t quite line up very well. This incident obviously scared him enough into remembering that getting close to someone is not a safe thing to do.

I’m glad you recognized that in the future, it’s a good idea to take things slow. It’s sooooo incredibly difficult when all of those wonderful bonding chemicals are running crazy in your body. I always advise people to remember that relationships really are built off of the worst part of the people. Meaning…You need to see them at their very worst, so you can see how they handle stress. ONce you see their character in that kind of environment….THEN you can make a more clear decision as to whether this person is a good fit or not. I have seen charmers turn into abusers, I have seen the nicest people ever become vindictive, I have seen very loving people disconnect, never to return. You need to see the WHOLE person before you allow yourself to attach.

Well done for calling on your support system and really facing this. I know what it feels like to not be able to eat because your heart hurts so much. It’s so painful….AND the strength and wisdom you will gain from this healing process will be priceless!!!

Keep hanging in there. Time will continue to heal and you will move forward with new knowledge, new strength and a new vision.

Keep checking in with us and let us know how you are doing!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Elizabeth,

I want to just address “maybe single isn’t bad” and talk about that for a bit. You are absolutely right!!! Everyone I work with, I REALLY encourage them to spend some looong seasons being single and alone. I take them through various ‘assignments” so they can get to know themselves in a very specfic way that will equip them better for when a relationship does come along. I have been single MANY times in my life and anytime I start to “crave” finding someone, it’s a sign for me that I am out of balance and not connected to myself. It tells me that I am wanting something from someone else that I am not willing to give to myself. So I spend time really looking at what I”m missing. Being single, feeling balanced, happy, content and peaceful is a WONDERFUL place to be. When you have no need to look and explore, that’s a wonderful time to start dating! It creates and attracts a completely different energy!

I really encourage being alone for seasons because it can develop a relationship within yourself that is so important for attracting a higher quality relationship.

Have you ever spent time NOT dating? Have you ever been 100% single and NOT dating or seeking attention or connection from someone else? If yes, what’s the longest amount of time you have spent in those phases? Also, where are you at in this current moment? Are you uncomfortable being single or craving love and connection with someone?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Nikolera!

I’m curious. Since your son was the main reason for the separation, I am wondering how you think it will work out again. It doesn’t sound like he has changed at all towards his son. He is not interested in his child. He is not interested in becoming closer, nor understanding him better. I understand that you love this man, but this man does not love his son in a deep connective way…and that is a HUGE barrier! So even if you did get his attentions back, what makes you think it will be different than before?
Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Latisha,

Of course you want to just meet the person you want marry. I think everybody might pick that option were it possible. However, the process of dating is soooo important. YOu learn things about yourself that are so important. You develop skills like boundaries, communication, facing your judgments, facing your prejudices etc. Dating brings about all those things that make us better partners. It’s not for everyone though. All you can do for right now, is to view dating as a “pathway” to becoming a better partner for that man who inspires your heart in a very unusual way. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to miss the process….marriage can be extremely difficult if you have developed certain skillsets to handle what shows up. In my opinion, marriage and love is something that needs to be “earned” in a way. Dating is the right of passage. If you can’t handle the dating, then you sure as heck won’t handle marriage very well! Of course, this is just my opinion and many will disagree.

You keep saying something interesting about your ex. You keep saying he is aggravating. I am wondering if this bothers you. Being aggravated with your partner is such a normal thing. Would you expect something different??

I am also wanting to invite you to think about something. I am wondering if you keep latching onto your ex because you would rather have that, then to go through the dating again. I get that you wish you guys could go back to how it was before. I suggest to really let that thinking and fantasizing go. That is in the past and not something that is a reality anymore. It is so important that you view him and the dynamics of you 2 together IN THE PRESENT moment. Do you love how you guys interact NOW? Do you love him as a person NOW? Do you really see yourself with him for a long time for who he is NOW vs. how you guys used to be???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi!

Can you offer us more details??? This can be a tricky situation. Sometimes people need some time to shift from friends to lovers. It can actually be a very uncomfortable / awkward thing.

Have you talked to him about being distant? Have you guys been intimate more than once? How long have you been friends? What led up to being intimate? Was it something he initiated or was it you? Have you had romantic feelings for a long time for him…or vice versa? ARe you wanting a romantic relationship with him? Is he a relationship kind of guy or is he a dating kind of guy? What’s his history with other women? Has he been in love before?

I know it’s a lot of quesitons. It will help us understand more detail so we can best guide you through this. Hang in there!
Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh Kristin!
I am so sorry!!! How frustrating and hurtful for you!!!! My heart goes out to you. There is nothing more frustrating than to deal with someone who shuts the door in your face and won’t listen to anything you have to say.

Yes, there definitely is some dysfunction happening here. I bet that he has this underlying belief system that women can’t be trusted and that he doesn’t really believe in happiness….and that he will look for any signs of something going wrong and will cut it off right then and there so he doesn’t have to go through that pain again. It’s sad really as relationships / life are full of disappointments, but he doesn’t have much tolerance for it. A guy like that is carrying around a TON of baggage and not letting go / forgiving what happened in his past. This can make for a very difficult relationship as you are already finding out. He is sooooo tapped out on his ability to handle hurt that he will build walls like crazy that will never allow him to feel deeply with someone. I have no doubt he is a wonderful man as well. I do just want to warn you that until he learns to handle his hurts differently and until he really chooses to let go of the hurt from his past, he won’t be available for a deep, connectable love. If it wasn’t this “match” thing that triggered him, it would hae been something else. He was a stretched out rubberband waiting to snap. You can’t stop that from happening except for being perfect and never doing anything that hurts him.

I think was needs to happen is to continue giving him some space and you really work on your own on forgiving him for treating you this way. When you feel resolved inside yourself, then writing a letter can be a wonderful way to create closure. It’s CRUCIAL that you write that letter never expecting any response. It would be more about creating closure for yourself. Appreciating him for the time you did share is a great thing to say, apologizing for just showing is great and then leave it at that. Keep is simple, short, light and full of appreciation for who he is and that you wish him the best.

I have a feeling it’s gonna take him awhile to let his defenses down. YOu did nothing wrong, but in his mind, you betrayed him and that is the story he will choose to believe in. I am wondering why he went on match in the first place. He went there as well, so I wonder if he was gonna look at other options. Who knows….but the story he has stamped on your experience is so strong and will only re-enforce what he needs to believe. Again…this is so sad as he is really missing out on you!!!

Let me know how all of this makes you feel!

[Author]

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