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Hi Latisha,
There are a ton of way to approach a situation, so it really comes down to you and feeling it out and doing what feels best for you. Try not to get caught up into what is “right” or “wrong” about how to approach something. Reality is, no matter how you approach him, do you really think it will make that big of a difference? Meaning…I’m a fan of being authentic and being around a guy who is interested in knowing my true thoughts and feelings all the time. If a relationship is THAT fragile that it doesn’t allow the space for you to be human, for you to communicate your needs when you need to or to just say what you want to say…then I question the solidarity of the relationship. From everything you have said…it sounds like you don’t really feel that you get to be 100% yourself without the fear of losing him, get in the way. So you keep trying to “feel” out a situation to see if it’s the right time to bring something up. That is appropriate to a certain extent, but when you say “Sometimes I didn’t feel like I could just talk to him” it makes me wonder….are you sure you want to fight for a guy that doesn’t make you feel very safe emotionally? Yes…you are going to have trust issues with him. Yes, you love him. Yes, he could break up with you again, even if you get him back. There is no guarantee….love is a risk, without exception.
So I want to ask you again….are you sure you want to fight for this guy? There is some truth to what you are saying about him making more effort if he really wanted to be back with you. That is definitely true. It depends if you are willing to continue with this path, to find out if he will ever reach that space. He may get there…he may not. But I still go back to….from all that you are saying, I’m not entirely sold that YOU are sold on this guy. Just because you love someone does not mean you have to do something with that love.
My suggestion is….before doing anything further, decide what you want. You still sound pretty confused and split. You love him and he aggravates you and he has funny moments and you don’t feel safe to just go talk to him about whatever you need to. Every relationship will have a list of likes and dislikes. However, it’s about you being able to accept and embrace the dislikes that is most important. Dr. John Gottman did the largest study on couples in history….20 years long! He wanted to know what made a relationship not only last, but be happy and healthy. 1 component out of 4 that he discovered was essential to a sustainable relationship is that there was a 1 to 4 ratio. For every negative interaction, or thought about your person, there were 4 positives. So essentially, the good far outweighed the bad. I HIGHLY suggest reading one his books called “the Man’s Guide to Women.” It’s fabulous!!! IT’s a short, easy read, but what he essentially covers is what a man needs to offer in a relationship in order for it to be successful. It will reflect soooo much of what you need to experience. Maybe reading that will help you understand where your guy fits into your life and whether or not you want to continue fighting for him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Ekaterina!
Thank you for writing in!
It does sound like there is a pattern here that he tends to respond once you initiate, but he doesn’t really make much effort towards connecting with you on his own. I am wondering if this is because it is his pattern or because you are married. Regardless of whether you guys are breaking up or not, I imagine he knows you are not fully and completely available for him, so he may be having a battle within his mind and heart concerning how much to let himself get involved with you.
Have you ever talked to him about this? I am wondering what you want with this guy. Are you wanting to date and have a relationship with him? He is asking a good question by wondering what your boundaries are. What are they?
I really would also like to encourage you to really create closure with your current situation first. Getting involved with someone when you are still attached to someone else…well….that can only lead to great big mess. What do you think about this? I imagine you might have the same thought yourself, but maybe the attention from this guy feels so great that you want to get involved despite you being married? What’s happening for you?
Heidi
Hi Latisha,
Well….you can always just ask. You could say something like, “Listen…I really have enjoyed connecting with you again as friends. There are so many wonderful things about you that I would love to continue to explore, but I need to be honest. I am falling for you and I am interested in exploring a relationship with you again. Not in the same way as we used to be, but something new…something more healthy and easier. I do get the feeling that maybe you are not thinking about that path with me, so I am just going to ask straight away. Do you have any inkling at all that you might want to journey with me down that road again? I’m not saying it has to be now….I am more than willing to continue as we are and get to know each other and I can be patient. I just want to know if there is a possibility here.”
Before you have that conversation though, I really am wondering if he is what you really want. I know you are “tired” but it sounds like you might not be really convinced that this guy is worth it to you. Are you 100% sold on this guy?
I sure don’t see any harm in meeting someone new. Sooooo many times, even if that person doesn’t work out….they can give you a different experience of yourself…which gives you more perspective and information. Why not give it a shot???
Heidi
Hi Korina,
It sounds like you are finding your ground again! Good job!!! It is not an easy task, but day by day, once you align with yourself 100% you will get stronger and stronger.
I’m curious what you mean about “I’m still a n opposites attract type.” I would like to dive a little more into that with you, as sometimes that can be a real challenge!!! Tell me more about that!
And I’m also super curious about why the boring guy has turned into your favorite! What changed???
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
I had been through that before for sure!!! A guy sweeps me off my feet, but only to discover after the fact that his REAL purpose was to help me get some perspective and have a different experience to move me forward. It’s so wonderful AND it’s so hurtful all at the same time! I’m so glad you have that same awareness! Well done!
I don’t know if I would go as far as him being dishonest…cruel, yes! Many times though, I have found that men from other cultures just experience dating and women very differently than we do here. He may have been born here, but it doesn’t change that he is surrounded by people / family from his culture to still instill in his how he interacts with people. So maybe he is just being how he was taught. Maybe he finds power / self esteem in getting women to react to him and “fall in love” with him. Who knows! Reality is though…he did give you what you needed at the time and it was something very good for you! You know what is possible now!!!!
So your goal is to completely let him go and the negative feelings. You want to fully and completely forgive him for not being the kind of guy you needed him to be. Forgive yourself for not being able to meet your needs. And you may have to do this 20x a day, but if you make the choice, every single day, that you are going to forgive and not harbor any negative feelings and only harbor the gifts he gave you….then you will get to a place where you feel thankful for him vs. hurt. Once you reach this place, then you just act however you feel! You just offer kindness and simple, light connection for him. Can you imagine how that will throw him off his rocker??? To have someone show you kindness after you ditch them….when does that ever happen???? NEVER!!! I’m sure he is very used to the ladies being pissed at him!! So for you to be kind, forgiving and pleasant….would be a wonderful gift to offer him in return. He would have a very rare experience with you, I’m sure.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
I can definitely understand why you would be at the end of your rope and frustrated and confused!
There are a few things I would like to invite you to think about.
1. How is the dating in the area you live? For example, where I live, the dating is VERY DIFFICULT! There are plenty of people, however there are a lot of really “off” dynamics between the men and women here. When I first moved here, I thought there was something wrong with me that I never got asked out…as that is not a normal experience of mine. Now after 6 years of living here, I have been asked out 3 times in an organic way (meaning, not online). MANY MANY women here struggle with the men and have the same exact experiences I am having, so I know that the dating culture here is part, if not the majority, of why I am having this kind of experience. So maybe ask around to the other ladies what their experiences are. What is the dating culture like where you live?
2. Have you ever been in love? When was your last relationship? Have you experienced this challenge your entire life or is this something new you are struggling with?
3. Have you asked anyone close to you yet, what they may see about you that could be blocking a relationship from coming into your life? I know that I am always interested in a person’s perspective of me and how they experience me. Many times I have discovered that their impressions were not at all in alignment with how I felt or how I am. So it’s always been great info. to gather so I can work on improving how and what I communicate to people.
4. Lastly, and probably the most important part….is that “doing” is much less important than “being.” Meaning…I can learn all the dating skills in the world, and although that is an important part, it is actually a smaller percentage of the equation compared to your knowing how to “be.” And by that, I mean, loving yourself, loving your life, being open to risking, being authentic, having internal/emotional strength etc. Your “resume” sounds wonderful, however there may be something much deeper going on that you may not even be aware of. Have you ever done some really deep work to see if there is something blocking you from really opening up to the idea of love? For example, I worked with a woman who was just like you. Here “resume” was wonderful! She appeared to be a super connective, flirty, open and interesting woman. And she definitely was all of that! But there was something much deeper going on that I helped her connect to. We found that part of her that actually did not trust men in general as she had been sexually assaulted as a young girl. That deeper part of herself was influencing sooooo much more than she even realized!!! As she worked through that part, she started to feel different inside…she felt more free, she felt stronger and more willing to risk with a man. After a period of time of really connecting with that part of herself and learning a new skillset, she fell madly in love with the man who was so wonderful for her!!! My point in all of this, is to let you know that many, many times, the things we cannot see or even feel are influencing what shows up, or doesn’t show up, in our lives. So many times, the answer to our questions are not in the books or how we “do” things…they are in the emotional / energetic / subconscious parts of our lives. Have you ever thought about that at all?
Let me know your thoughts and then we can go from there! We would love to help you on your path of self discovery!
Heidi
Hi Grace!
It would be super helpful if you created your own post. Are you able to do that? It will help us stay more organized so we don’t miss any posts that you put up.
If you could also include more details about your situation, that would give us much more ability to offer more tailored advice to your situation.
You say you feel in love with a friend…did you guys end up dating at all? You say you want him back, but does that mean you had him for awhile? If you guys did date, can you share what happened? Did he explain why he broke up?
If you guys never dated, what did he say to you? Did he admit to not having those kind of feelings for you? What happened???
Thanks Grace! Looking forward to hearing from you!
Hi Debbie!
I am so glad you got out of a marriage like that. Those are some of the most difficult marriages to get out of. Good for you for still giving yourself another chance at love.
I would love more detail. How long have you been away from your x husband and divorced? Does your “friend” flirt with you at all? You said he is hesitant….have you guys talked at all about possibly dating or are guessing that is how he feels? What is his heritage? I’m wondering if maybe that is how his family and upbringing works….it’s how they date…by involving the ENTIRE family in the process….OR maybe he is using them as a barrier…as long as they are around…it keeps things on the “friend” level with you. So if you could provide a bit more information, that may help us guide you a little better!
Heidi
Hi Stefanie!
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through! It hurts like crazy and is beyond confusing. One minute it feels like they are all in and the next minute they are gone…and it’s just plain awful to go through!
My first instinct is to recommend that you let this guy go and here is why. I am ALWAYS very suspicious of guys who pour it on thick in the very beginning. The guy that tells me how “amazing” I am and I am “like no one else he has ever met” etc….when I hear those kinds of things in the very beginning, I put walls up…because the truth is, they don’t REALLY know that I am an amazing person. He hasn’t been around me enough to know that I am like no one else he has ever met before. Those types of compliments and the “I want all of you” and “I want you to be my girl” kind of words are words that take TIME to know. He only knew you for a few weeks, so to say things like that….some very serious things….is, in my opinion, a guy who is leading with impulse to get what he wants vs. caring enough about you and himself to take some time to get to know you.
I am also wondering if he is from another culture. Italian, Persian, Latin? Many men from other cultures are INFAMOUS romantics and can pour it on very thick in the beginning and get amazing responses from the ladies. However, so much of what they say does not have substance behind it. Not that they don’t really feel all of that in the moment….but they are impulsive feelings….not feelings built over time.
My other question to you is this….are you sure you want to keep fighting for a guy who is ghosting you? He is showing you how he handles confrontation. He ignores you. He has hurt you and does not care enough to have an honest conversation with you. He is being a chicken….like anyone who ghosts. People disappear because they are uncomfortable and don’t want to face the person they have hurt. So…he is showing you what he is like when you confront him. It doesn’t really make for a strong relationship when someone disconnects and is uncaring towards the person they hurt.
Are you sure you want to move forward trying to get this guy back? If yes…we can work on trying some different things….I just want to make sure you are clear about what you want, viewing it with more information that I have provided you.
Heidi
Hi Latisha!
It’s so confusing sometimes!!! I know you just want to know what he is thinking and feeling as it would just make all of this much better!
I would suggest to start throwing in some flirting. You can still focus on building up the friendship, but there’s nothing wrong with throwing in some compliments and flirtiness to see how he responds to you. That might give you more information as to how he feels about you. You can start saying things like, “Hey! I really appreciated your help with the jumper cables. You willingness to help was always one my favorite things about you.” Or “Ya….everytime I saw you, you gave me butterflies in my tummy.” Or “I always thought you were so handsome and irresistible” and as you throw out a compliment or flirt….give a little space to let him respond. If he doesn’t really respond or reciprocate, you can just as easily continue on with the conversation.
I know you don’t want to waste your time. Thing is, there is never a guarantee of anything, so continuing forward with this guy doesn’t mean it will work in your favor long term…no with any other guy. Relationships are always a risk. It’s more about you deciding if he is worth the risk. Do you feel he is that amazing that he is worth all of this work you are putting in? Do you feel he is the guy you want to have a long life with? Do you feel he is the guy who makes you feel more than you ever have with anyone else? If yes, then keep fighting for him. If you are not sure or the answer is no…then maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your choices.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Korina,
You are having so many different feelings. Again, you are going back and forth between each side of the fence, so make a decision and stick with it. It’s not about making the “right” decision. It’s more about just making a decision period. Once you make a decision, then you get more information that will let you know whether you feel good or not so good. As long as you stay on the fence, you will never be able to get the very important information you need.
From what it sounds like you are saying, you want to ignore all the red flags and go for it. If you do, you are willing to deal with conflict with your mother, your friend and also not feeling very safe with him, as you don’t really trust that he won’t break up with you again.
The reality of online dating is that the majority of guys out there are looking for sex. It’s unforutnately quite normal, so I can see why it causes you to miss your ex even more. However, it does not change the challenges you will face with him. As long as you go back into it knowing exactly what you are in for and you fully embrace all that comes with the choice to fight for him…then go for it with eyes wide open!
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Sonja!
Thanks for the update!!! It sounds like the info. you got about him just verifies what you experience about him. If he is a 1 focu kind of guy, then trying to fight against his work focus will be a losing battle. So like Kanya said, let this be a looooong process. There will be times when he comes up for air and needs a break and maybe you can be there during those times and just keep developing the relationship. Maybe at some point he will be able to divide his attentions better….maybe not. That is why it is really important to take care of yourself and not wait around for this guy to figure out how to manage his life balance better. Which it sounds like you have some other things to focus on for right now anyways and that is building your foundation of friends that works well for you.
Do you feel okay letting go of this guy and moving on with your life without him?
Heidi
Hi Latisha!
Thanks for the update!Listen…I don’t know a couple alive who doesn’t get irritated and frustrated by their partner for some odd reason or another. It just comes with the territory. So you getting irritated is just a normal thing that is supposed to happen sometimes. As long as they are just little irritating things and that it doesn’t cause harm to you or anyone else…then I suggest just taking it with a grain of salt and not give it much thought. If these things didn’t irritate you sometimes, then it would be something else. So how do you handle it? You just accept these are patterns of his and you love him anyways. Most people want to get off the phone whenever they want to. They want to feel complete in the conversation and if you are wanting to get off the phone before he feels complete, he will keep talking until he feels complete. A pretty normal thing I would say. However, if you would like it go differently, then what is stopping you from setting a boundary and ending the conversation when you need to? I”m sure he would respect that. I’m also not sure if I am fully understanding though, so if you feel I missed something about this challenge you are having with him, please explain again!
When he asked about the jumper cables, you could respond by saying that you really just wanted to be prepared in an emergency. You saw or heard something that made you think about being safe on the road and having the right equipment and knowing how to use it. So that’s why you asked him. Does that help?
How is your connection going with him? Is he initiating contact? Are you guys flirting and connecting romantically at all? Do you feel you guys are a little closer to getting back together??
Heidi
Hi Martine!
It sounds like you guys are in a good place at the moment. It sounds like it was a really good conversation. I do want to support all that Kanya has mentioned. Yes, you had a great conversation, however it doesn’t change how he handled things or that you setting boundaries for yourself would be healthy. He would be a good person to practice doing that with! Since you are staying friends, there are all kinds of things you can practice with him. Setting boundaries, better communication, learning to be more authentic. It’s a short season until he is gone, so use this time to still focus on those life long skills that will help you be a better partner for someone.
I am so glad to hear the doctors feel he will be okay and that they are optimistic!!! This is wonderful news and I’m sure gives both of you a ton of hope…not something most people have who live with cancer. I truely hope his body continues down that path!!!
Please keep us in the loop! We love any updates you are willin to give!!
HeidiHi Darlene!
So how is everything going? Thor is a perfect movie and then followed up by asking him for help with something is a great approach. Did it create any traction for you guys or has he gone silent again??
Instead if saying he can’t go hot and cold on you like that….it’s better to first approach it by trying to understand what is actually happening. And it’s VERY important that when setting a boundary, you don’t tell someone what they can and cannot do. That’s like being a mother to them and can many times activate a response you don’t want. Instead you say something like this, “Listen….when you go cold and disappear on me, I end up feeling lost, confused, frustrated and hurt. I can’t imagine that is how you want me to feel. So can we come up with some type of solution to this? If you want to disappear, maybe tell me you need some space for a few days and you will re-connect. Or maybe we can come up with a code word that lets me know you are going into your man cave and you will re=connect in a few days. This will help me know that you are disappearing and it will help me know that you plan on re=connecting.”
If this doesn’t work and he is not really willing to work with you on this, then you have a choice to make. You can either deal with it and work on learning how to pull him out every time it happens or you can set a boundary in a different way by saying, “I just want to warn you that I am reaching my limit. I feel like I keep hitting a wall when it comes to trying make communication better between us. I need your help as it hurts deeply everytime you disappear. So since it seems like you are not really willing to work with me on this, then I have to let you know that it’s not a design I can continue to participate in. I want a partner and teammate in this and I would love for that to be you! But it seems like I may be asking a bit much from you on this top[ic and if I am going to honor and respect your choice, that means I have to also honor and respect myself and what is good for me.”
What do you think?
Heidi
