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Yes! It is a guessing game trying to figure out what someone is really thinking and feeling. That will be true for the rest of your life, so the skill you have to develop is to learn to be okay not knowing. When we get soooo focused on the “why” it actually hinders our ability to heal. By sometimes throwing up your hands saying “I don’t know and I never will” and then closing the door by accepting that….it creates closure for you and allows you to accept his choice and move on with your life. IT’s what people have to do when someone has died or moved out of the country or something to that affect. It’s a hard thing to do, but an important choice for your health and sanity. The more you can be okay not knowing the answer to the “why” question, the easier your life will be.
Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
Hi Kristin!
This is great!!! He is initiating which is exactly what you want. Sure! say something before he leaves! YOu didn’t respond to his text last night, so saying something about his trip and leaving can be good! It sounds like the exchanges are light, funny, personal and easy….which is the point. So still keep it light and simple when you message him. YOu could say something like, “You are leaving tomorrow, so I just wanted to say goodbye before you left. I promise to save all my questions each day for when you get back….”Keep it light and fun and I’m sure he would appreciate that!
HeidiHi Trudi!
Thank you for all of this wond3erful information. you have a lot of reason to be wary, cautious and anxious. I think that is the main aspect of all of this.Here is the truth. He cannot promise to you that you will be the only woman he will ever love again. NO ONE can promise that. Relationships are a risk and a DAILY choice. People will forever come in and out of our lives and sometimes, one may catch our eye in a very different and interesting and tempting way to cause someone to break their integrity. So the issue is not about him making promises and “proving” anything to you. The issue is about you accepting and getting more comfortable with the truth that life is unpredictable. Promises are just words for the moment, not guarantees.
You are not trusting of him because the truth is, he absolutely could go back to her again. He did it 2x already and could do it again. The truth is, he hasn’t developed a skillset to deal with his emotional needs to make a different choice in the future. He can read all he wants, he can watch videos etc., but that does not change the deep stuff that causes someone to break their word. IT sounds like he is not willing to go down that path at the moment, so the reality is….he is just gonna do what he’s gonna do. So what do you do with that??? You learn to put your trust in YOURSELF and not him. It’s about you TRUSTING YOURSELF that no matter what his choices are in life, you are going to be okay. You will figure out how to get back up on your feet regardless, because you are resilient…and that’s what you don’t really know nor believe about within yourself. If you are going to move forward with him, that is CRUCIAL for you…a foundation….and then all the rest of the stuff will be much easier to deal with and resolve. This is about YOU making YOU feel better and not relying on him to do that for your. You need to be so connected to yourself that you don’t fall apart when your outside world falls apart. That is true strength. That type of strength allows you to take life in stride. It allows you to feel more peaceful and drastcially reduces the need to control your world so you don’t get hurt or be fooled.
Does that make sense???
HEidi
p.s. I LOVE John Gottman!!! What about going through a workshop together…. a weekend or week long trip where you go through stuff together?
Hi Linda,
It sounds like this guy is who you really want to be with. The challenge is, his work sounds all consuming and that he is not very good at staying connected to you when you guys are apart.
There are maybe 2 things you can try…as the reality is, this is his job and it is not going to change anytime soon….so you need to deal with this and fully accept this path you have chosen.
1. He knows how you feel, but have you guys come up with any strategies as to how to help you through this? It’s talking to him in a way that isn’t pushy, but simply talking through some strategies about what he is willing to do and give and what you need from him. So maybe a simple text right before he goes to bed saying, “thinking about you, heading to bed, wish you were here.” That takes less than 30 seconds and you can agree to just respond with 1 sentence vs. trying to create a conversation. What about video chatting every few weeks for 30 seconds. What about sending pics of your adventures? when you message him, does he typically respond to you or ignore that as well?
2. Another strategy to help you is to find some activities that really nourish your soul. Do you love dancing? any type of art? maybe volunteer with some animals? It’s super super important for you to really find ways to get your needs met. You are lonely, so go make some new friends with a new activity. No…it doesn’t replace him, but it can definitely help you deal with these long stretches of not seeing each other. so what kinds of activities can you add to your life that are fun?
Heidi
Man…I hear ya! I have said that myself a million times, along with several ladies….”Why the heck can’t he just say what he is feeling to my face instead of just ignoring me and disappearing???” It is so extremely frustrating!!!! The answer is fear. Whenever someone just disappears instead of talking to the person face to face, they are afraid of something. Sometimes that fear is entirely silly and they are just being chicken. Sometimes that fear is very valid and disappearing is really their best option. For example, what if he is afraid to talk to you because he has such strong feelings that he knows he will not be able to say “no” to you in person. So the only thing he knows to do, is to just disappear. If that is the case, then I get it! He might be stronger than you in the way that he knows it would not be a very wise path to travel down, so if he can just jump off the path and get his wits about him again…then he can save himself from a lot of drama in his future. You obviously are willing to go through all of that drama and take that path. Most women are! lol. Sometimes it takes the guy rescuing us (by rejecting us) from our willingness to take super big risks!!!
Either way…he is just scared and he is the only one who knows why he is making that choice. Maybe at some point you guys can actually talk about it and clear the air. Maybe not. For right now, he is not responding to you, so the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and let him go. If, at some point, something changes, you can address it at that time. Otherwise, it’s time to really look at creating your new life as a single person and all that it entails!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Trudi,
Wow! You are quite the trooper. Well done for forgiving him and really taking to heart your desire to change and grow as a person so you can be a better partner to him. You are asking some VERY POWERFUL questions that important….usually the more powerful they are, the more scary the answers can be. If you were not scared, I would wonder why not.
I wish we could answer these questions for you. You ultimately are the only one who can really decide what you want in a relationship. Over the many years I have interviewed couples, I have heard a lot of different answers about what it’s like to be married or together for decades. Many, many times, the people light up. Bored is not a part of their description. I’m sure there are boring moments, as that is just life, but being bored with their partner isn’t how they feel. I’m only saying this because it’s important for you to know that it’s possible to be together for 30 years and not be bored.
So let’s first explore what this means for you. Boredom is about not being stimulated. But in what way? HOW are you bored? Is conversation with him boring? Is sex getting boring? Is he maybe disconnecting a bit, therefore doesn’t have a deep connection with you like you desire? WHAT is boring?
I’m curious to know what HE has done to work on his own issues. You have purchased programs, you have learned new skills, you have worked on forgiveness…all in efforts to be a better partner. What has he done?
Here is the thing…it wouldn’t be unusual for the relationship to get boring sometimes…but if it feels like it gets boring pretty easily, then that causes me to raise my eyebrow a bit. If you have to work hard at not being bored in the relationship, then there is something more fundamental missing possibly. Maybe you 2 together is not a sparkly, fun, adventurous match. Explain your relationship to me. How do you guys interact? How do you have fun and play together? What is the romance like and who initiates it? Do you guys ever travel? I have had 2 boyfriends in my life that made me feel like we could be in the middle of the desert with nothing around and I would still have a blast around them…because our chemistry was natural, easy, likeminded, playful and adventurous…we were always laughing and having fun together…in an effortless way…it didn’t take any work at all to create that vibe and that vibe never once disappeared over the years. So that’s the kind of info. I’m looking for from you. It will help us know how you guys interact, so we can better give you some ideas.
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for all that you went through. It sounds like you are still picking up the pieces and discovering a different version of yourself as different people show up in your life. It can be quite the challenging path.
Did you want to delete the entire post? At the top of your particular post, there should be some small words….one of them is “edit.” That should allow you to change anything you need to.
Heidi
Hi Nikol!
Man…that is such a bummer that he hasn’t connected very well with his son since you guys have been back. Did they have a strong bond at all or has your husband always been distant due to the challenges your son faces in his life? Just curious.
I would wait a bit to send that letter. My thought process is this. If you spend some time just focusing on yourself and not initiating contact and making any effort, he will feel your absence in his life. Then…after a month or 2, you send him a letter letting him know the past few months you have really been working on moving on with your life and finding a space of gratitude for him, instead of hurt and anger. And that is why you are writing your letter….to let him know that even though you are separate paths, you have an incredible amount of gratitude and appreciation for….. If you give him that letter too soon, especially after hearing he wants to marry her, he may not take your letter to heart and that it is a manipulative attempt at getting him back. But if you wait awhile, he might have a stronger reaction to the letter. Of course that is just my theory. You do what feels best for you! Again, being the kind of personality he is…this is going to take a looooong while and a lot of patience on your end.
I love your attitude! Keep up that viewpoint and you will make it through this challenge not necessarily easy, but with a lot of gifts for you. There are many wonderful things awaiting you on this path as long as you stay connected to yourself and what is healthy for you and for your son. Your son is sooooo lucky to have you!
Let me know your thoughts about waiting a bit on the letter!
Heidi
OH wow Nikol!
A lot has happened for you guys. I’m so sorry to hear about all the struggles you are going through and having to see him and his new lady all the time. That is so hurtful!!!
It sounds like he is really holding a grudge against you. Is he most angry about the affair you chose to have? It sounds like he is the kind of guy who is quite stubborn and will do what he needs to do and may even be revengeful about it. Is that accurate at all? Is he the kind of guy that doesn’t forgive easily? Is he the type to hold onto grudges? If he is….you have a loooong road ahead of you. Not that it won’t lead you right back where you want to be, but it will take a TON of work and patience for you to get there.
For now, you have apologized for your part in things. I’m curious…has he apologized to you at all for his part in this and the hurt he caused as well?
To start, I would suggest to honor his requests. Leave him alone and work on re-creating your life without him. Figure out ways to bring happiness back into your life all on your own. Find activities to do that make you happy and have fun. Many times, when the guy sees the lady have strength and having fun without him, it can activate his need to pursue. HE WANTS TO BE THE SOURCE OF YOUR HAPPINESS. So it may work for him to see you happy instead of miserable. My other thought is, he could be with this girl to also cause you hurt. It’s could be a passive aggressive way to get back at you. So you being happy would have the opposite affect he wants to see. You being happy would make him feel less valuable in your life. You being happy would not meet his needs to see you miserable without him. You being happy…most of all…is really important for you as well.
That would be the place I would recommend you starting. Try that for a good 2 to 3 months and see how it makes you feel. You have a long road ahead of you, especially since he is with a youngster right now who is distracting him from how he really feels. That needs to fizzle out first and foremost before you can get his attention again. So plan on taking this really slow with him. The most important part of this, is the PROCESS, and not the end result. Yes…you want him back, however, learning about yourself along the way, developing new skills on how to be a better partner needs to be a part of this path…the entire way. So that if you guys do get back together…you will be different and know how to improve on what you guys used to have together.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Linda,
I’m so sorry! I definitely can sense your sadness. More details would be helpful. Here a few questions that may be helpful for us to know.
1. How long have you felt this way?
2. How often do you guys see each other?
3. Is there a change in his pattern that makes you feel like something has changed for the worse between you guys? If yes, what has changed?
4. You have been together for 3 years. Have you ever talked to him about how you feel? If yes, what was his response? If no, what is stopping you from being honest with him?
5. Is there any potential for you guys to live in the same city soon?Hang in there….let’s see if we can help you figure this one out!
Heidi
Hi Joy!
Boy….how frustrating!!! I’m sorry to hear he decided to run from his feelings vs. face them. I don’t want to discourage you at all, but I do want you to be aware of his choice and your choice. Relationships work long term when 2 people are willing to face ALL the feelings that come up with each other. When one person decides to bail, there is no “teamwork” and that makes you very alone in the relationship. So….it’s important that you are VERY CLEAR that he is showing you what he does when he gets uncomfortable with his emotions…fear takes over and he runs. if he is doing this now, he will do it again and again and again, anytime something gets too hard emotionally. So even if you do get him back, do not be surprised if he disappeared again. Even if he didn’t break up in the future, he may just stop talking to you or he could pull back and not talk with you. So know what you are getting into.
Now onto him. He is obviously terrified. I am wondering if you know very much about his last relationship. How long ago was it? How did it end? How was he treated? What is his view on love? Many people who have been hurt very badly will make a pact with themselves to never fall in love again. Did you guys ever talk about anything of that nature?
The good news is, he ran because he was scared of loving you. That means that things were working really well!!! Maybe you didn’t handle it in the best way, but that’s okay! We all need practice on how to be better at expressing our true feelings. How long has it been since you guys have talked? Have you tried to contact him and he just isn’t responding? Have you tried asking him for help and activate his hero instinct?
A little more info can help guide us better as to how approach this situation.
Heidi
Hi Ekaterina!
I bet he never talked to you about your husband because that means he would have to admit, out loud, that he was getting involved with a married woman. It makes the elephant in the room real. Many times people avoid talking about what they are most scared of hearing. I think you guys being coworkers makes this a million times more risky too…for both of you. He knows that if you decided to have a relationship with him, he may be the rebound guy, he would end up dating a woman who just left a marriage and did not spend any time being single and working through re-creating her life…which is another reason that makes you an extremely risky proposition for him. All around Ekaterina, nothing is really in your favor and everything is working against you. If I were coaching this guy, I would advise him to let you go and let you figure out your life for awhile as a single person and THEN….if there are still feelings there….pursue them. I imagine you understand why this would be the healthiest path for BOTH of you, but your heart is going to tell you something completely different…and therein lies the biggest challenge ever! I think him disappearing could be the best thing for you right now. It’s not fun at all, but it might be a good time for you to only focus on yourself and designing a new life. There is a lot to work through emotionally when a divorce is happening. Give yourself that time and space to do so without getting involved with someone else to distract you from the hurt and unhappiness. When you feel happy, peaceful, content and love your life, all by yourself, that would be a good time to open up to the possibility for someone new.
I think what you wrote to him was appropriate for closure. Now it’s time to let him go. I’m so sorry! It hurts a lot to not have an even exchange with someone!
Keep talking to us. Let us know more of your thoughts!!!
Heidi
Hi Kerry!
This is good! You are getting a little frustrated, which is sometimes the very best energy that needs to come out for us to fight for ourselves. There is no reason for him to change if you allow everything to be the same. That is true about anything really. If you want your life to be different, when YOU change….the situation changes! You have 100% of the power! It doesn’t mean, of course, that you will get everything you want…it just means that as you love, respect and honor yourself, people will fall away AND be attracted to you for it! You want those people to fall away from your life if they are not respectful and fighting to have a relationship with you. It sounds like he is not really willing to budge on his stance, all the while telling you he loves you. It sounds like he doesn’t really know what he wants…but YOU do! If he is not offering that you, then you get to set some boundaries as to what makes you feel comfortable with him.
What kinds of boundaries do you feel like you can set with him? It’s good practice! If he saw that your children and mother can be disrespectful towards you, then he knows he can be the same way and that you won’t go anywhere. So really…the first place for you to begin is self love. I know that sounds cheesy and boring and not at all what you want to hear. It is crucial though. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. It sounds like you are aware of this and are working on it, so good job! Keep going!!!! Eventually, he will fall in line with you, or he won’t. Are you willing to let him go if he is not willing to offer you a relationship???
Heidi
Hi Kristin!
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s a lot! The rejection definitely hurts!!! I think it was totally okay that you said it hurt. It’s important for him to know how his choices are affecting you. It maybe could have been said in a different way, but that’s okay!!! Honestly, with how you communicated everything, you were respectful, caring and not mean and abusive. Well done!!! I don’t think you did any damage. I think he is so overwhelmed at the moment and you did your very best to try to support him.
So I wouldn’t suggest apologizing. You didn’t really do anything wrong. There is nothing “wrong” with saying you felt hurt by his choices. It’s true! And anyone in your situation would also be hurt.
If you want to say something, you could maybe venture down this path: “You know, I actually learned something about myself. I learned how you pulling away from me really triggered something from my past and that is why I reacted so strongly. As painful as this has all been, it’s also been a great gift for me to work on getting rid of some past baggage that I just don’t need to be carrying around anymore. So this is what I’m going to do….I’m going to respect that you need space and you don’t need a relationship right now. I understand it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with your life situation for right now. So I’m going to spend this time really working on that baggage and letting it go. If you ever want to hang out and get a bite to eat or something, my answer is yes! I would love that….but the ball is in your court. I will leave you be so you can breathe and have 1 less person to worry about. I hope it’s still okay that I ask you for advice on certain things. You’ve been so wonderful helping me!!! I will miss you terribly and hope that this season you are in, passes sooner than later.”
What do you think about something to that affect?
Heidi
Hi Korina!
Wow! You really are getting back out there. I have heard your story in a million different ways from the ladies. They always end with saying the same exact thing…dating sucks! Or dating is hard! And sadly, it’s kinda true. Now that the online thing has become so prevalent, it’s changed the culture of dating and how people go about it. It makes me sad, because I REALLY miss the days when a guy had to talk to observe a girl, she had to flirt across the room, he had to have the guts to approach her, but they KNEW there was chemistry because they saw each other in person. There was a confidence and skill a person had to have for dating before the online thing happened. Anyways…it is what it is for right now and we have to figure out how to maneuver through it.
I would like to suggest to not talk to anyone who is long distance. It really is best to stay local. Trying to start a long distance relationship from thin air is EXTREMELY difficult and messy. So I suggest to stay local, as it will allow courting to take place, it will allow people to meet each other’s friends, coworkers, create memories and develop the relationship a lot slower.
I’m really proud of you for sticking to your decision. It sounds like you are becoming more and more invested in your choice. As painful as it may be to say goodbye to your ex…I bet it feels good to just have made a decision.
thoughts?
Heidi
