Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Korina!
True love shows up in so many different forms. You will never love someone in the same way again. Love is like a tree. There are branches that grow and represent our love for someone. If the relationship ends for whatever reason, the branch dies off. It doesn’t necessarily fall of the tree as it is a part of the tree forever. Then one day someone new comes a long and another branch will begin to grow. This branch will have a different shape, different size, different look to it and it will be as unique as every other branch on your tree…all valuable, all a part of you, all important….ALL DIFFERENT.
So in your future, of course you can love someone intensely again. When you completely heal from your ex, your heart will open again in a different way and be ready to receive another experience of love. I know that is hard to imagine at the moment. It’s nothing you have to worry about at the moment. Right now, your focus needs to be on yourself and healing from your ex and really clearing him out of your life, your heart, your mind, your emotions. That is going to take some time….not a fun process, but a necessary one. You can do this!
Heidi
Hi Darla!
Okay! You are getting more wonderful information about what is happening! What I LOVE most about what you are doing is that you are living your life anyways. You want to learn how to dance and you are not waiting for him to say yes, so you are going anyways. You have an appointment with a counselor which is wonderful!!! If he doesn’t go, he sure is missing out, but you go anyways!! He unloaded about on you about your complaining and you have immediately shifted into being more positive with him! He is sooooo lucky to have you! It’s going to take some time. He already is showing you new patterns in his behavior, so hold tight. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep learning, keep appreciating him and going to this counselor can be wonderful as you will learn more skills about how to be a better partner with him.
I am just beaming with a huge smile right now that this is the path you are choosing. Well done!!!
I’d love to keep getting updates from you! Keep us in the loop as we will always have ideas for you to try or even just support you in the ways that you need!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
Wow! I LOVE your update! I am seriously proud of you! It is NOT EASY what you have gone through…and it is NOT EASY to keep perspective the way you are. Well done!!!
Yes! Always keep learning! There is sooooo much I want to teach you right now, but I think I’ll just stick with 1 concept for the moment and we can go from there.
First, I want to share with you the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is what your head knows….wisdom is what your heart knows. Wisdom is knowledge put into action. You know how you can KNOW that cheesecake is going to pack on the weight and not be a healthy thing for your body and therefore, it’s not a good idea to have it as part of your regular diet. But knowing that does not mean that you will make that choice. Your ex knows that drinking is taking him down a dark path, but it doesn’t change that he is going down that path anyways. He knows, but that knowledge has not shifted into wisdom for him yet.
I have seen it over and over again….people trying to “fix” their limitations / patterns by reading a lot and learning a lot. Learning is definitely an essential part of the process, but only the first half…and usually the easiest part. The 2nd half is taking that knowledge and turning it into wisdom….and when it gets to the wisdom stage….you ARE the information vs. knowing the information. Here is a personal example….I used to REALLY be defined by how much attention I was getting from the guys. So if a guy rejected me, know showed on a date, didn’t give me attention, my self esteem would feel strong effects from that. I KNEW, 100% that it was unhealthy what I was doing, that my self esteem needed to come from the inside and not the outside and that the only way to REALLY shift was to work on the deep negative beliefs. So…over time, I kept clearing and looking at, and working with my coach to remove those negative beliefs and replace them with the truth. NOW….thank goodness….I have soooo much more INTERNAL self esteem and male attention, whether I get it or not, does not define me. NOW…I AM the information I knew back then. I don’t even have to convince myself or remind myself of those truths. I just AM the truth.
Another more simple example is I can explain to you how to make the MOST AMAING chocolate chip cookies in the world!!! I can tell you how they taste, the textures, the process of making them and you can learn and know how to make them. But until you taste one, smell one, feel one….you really won’t have a clue. So knowing (knowledge) how to make the cookies is the first step (learning) and then making the cookies is the 2nd step and then tasting (knowledge has now turned into wisdom) them is the final step.
Haha! Does what I am saying make sense??? I’m saying this because all of this learning becomes more powerful when you can deepen it by becoming the information and shifting from places deep in your soul. How do you do that? Honestly, everyone is different. I found a coach that is brilliant and quickly helps me get to those places. Other people go to workshops, follow certain teachers and their lessons, meditation, yoga, reiki bodywork, etc. There are so many healing methods out there and I personally try all of them! all the time! I do have my coach that I go to when I am dealing with some very deep rooted patterns, but I am also following up with the other healers who help me in a very different way. So my suggestion is to find people to help you! Having other people’s perspectives, techniques, guidance can make a HUGE difference in your path!!!
What do you think about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Aysegul!
Okay then! All you need to know is that in this moment, you still want to move forward with him. Be careful though. I know you are saying he is the least risky of the guys you have dated. I’d hate to see you settle just because of your current situation. Just because he is the least risky, it does not mean he is a good choice. I personally would rather be alone than to settle. I know you guys have a very strong connection and chemistry and that is nearly impossible to fight against. When something is that strong, no matter how big the red flags are, people will move forward anyways. I get it!
You have a journey you want to keep taking with this guy and so there are many things for you to still learn from him. Take it one day at a time and see what ends up showing up for you. I would like to suggest to NOT make a timeline. When we start to put timelines on when someone needs to say or do things like say “I love you” it doesn’t allow for someone to get to that space on their own. He has a lot of baggage from his past. He needs to choose to face it or not face it and you need to let him have that be his process in his own timing.
I want to really suggest that you take your focus off of whether he can say “I love you”….or not….and focus on just continuing to get to know each other. Develop the friendship, keep having those deep conversations, keep watching yourself and your own reactions about him and the areas you have not forgiven and are still holding onto. If growth is your focus with him, you will find MANY ways you have grown together….and maybe the “i love you” won’t matter as much.
What do you think about this?
Heidi
Hi Vanessa!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! Any new thoughts? Any new dates? Are you getting more grounded in maybe practicing taking things a lot slower?
We would love and update!!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any new updates? How are you processing everything that has happened? You doing okay?
We would love and update!!!
Heidi
HI Darla!
Just checking in. How are things going for you? Has anything shifted at all? Have you tried a different approach???
We would love an update!!!!
Hi Mavis!
Good job! That’s a perfect note for right now. Of course it would be nice to have some type of response to know he got it. It would be a nice gesture on his end. But that’s okay! I’m glad you have patience and are committed to making it work for right now. I have a feeling you will need it! Make sure you do not contact him for awhile. Let him reach out to you now. If you are the one who keeps initiating, he won’t be able to miss you and that’s what needs to happen. It may take a few weeks, but it will do 2 things. 1. It will help him not feel pressure from you (which I imagine he have felt before) AND he will feel your absence, which hopefully will trigger his hunting instinct and inspire him to contact you.
Does this plan feel okay for you????
Heidi
Hi! I’m pretty sure you would have had the conversation with him since I think he left already. I’m dying to know what happened!!!! Are you okay???? I know you have soooo much to process and really think about. Your heart is really connected to this guy and that makes so many things very confusing and more difficult!
I would love an update when you have the time and energy!
Heidi
Hi Korina!
Please be careful!!! There is NO WAY to prove anything for sure. People can say and do whatever they want over technology! It’s incredible what can be done.
I am really curious why you feel this needs to go so fast? Why not just keep chatting to him and keep going on dates and then when you meet in person, you can take things from there. Why move so fast??? Could it possible be that you don’t feel very good without having male attention coming in your direction? That’s my guess as I understand that pattern VERY well myself. It takes awhile to deal with being alone and actually being okay with it, but it’s always something I really invite all my clients to experience. It’s challenging, but eventually feels so wonderful when you aren’t afraid of being alone anymore. That is my best guess, so please correct me if I am wrong.
Again…no need to cut this guy off. I would just suggest to take it slow and keep perspective. You will meet up eventually and when you do, you guys can take it from there. No need to “prove” anything, exchange personal info. etc. Just keep talking and developing that friendship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Mavis!
What if you put together a care package for him and just dropped it off at his doorstep (don’t try and see him)?
You can leave a little note saying, “I know your project is due this week, so I thought maybe these things might help you get through this week a little bit easier.” Maybe leave him some pretzels for snacking on, some coffee beans, maybe look up some good brain foods and give him some of those….just create a little basket full of goodies.
I would just ignore your comment for right now. He is under some serious pressure right now, so acknowledging what you said can just wait. You can talk about it eventually and just let him know you were having a troubling moment and that you actually didn’t really mean it. You can keep it light and simple and don’t make it a big deal. You can show him more through your ACTIONS what you really meant. But again…just wait until he gets through this week and see what happens….you may not need to talk about it.
If you don’t want to do a little goodie basket, you can always just send a supportive text like, “Hey…I know this week is intense for you. Sending you a lot of good vibes!!!”
Keep is short, sweet and super simple!!!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi! Great information!!!
I’m not sure if you have spoken with him yet before he leaves.
My first thought is something I imagine you are already aware of. His response about his ex completely shows he has NOT forgiven her and still has a lot of work to do around it. He is trying to “forget” instead of forgive and heal. No matter how long he is with you…even 20 years….this will always affect your relationship until he faces it. What will happen is that a belief system gets created from trauma or disruptions (i.e. women can’t be trusted). Then when you guys have an argument or maybe you start talking to a new friend who happens to be a guy or you do something that feels like it’s manipulative in his mind….he will have a BIG reaction because there is already a pre-existing belief system. So that is how people’s baggage ends up playing out in relationships. You know the REALLY big buttons when people respond so quickly and intensely by such little triggers.
Yes…times does heal. Nothing will replace the loss of your child and there will always be a connection with that soul that never made it here. With that being said, there are also ways / methods / types of healing techniques that can take you very deep into healing those sorts of things.
What you are needing to know in order to move forward is just not possible. There is no way to predict how anything will turn out. Again, the very best you can do is to be as aware as possible and choose a partner who has the qualities needed to handle stressors in life in a healthy way. That is probably the very best guarantee you can find in order for a relationship to last. So far…to be honest, he is not showing up so well. Once is not a pattern, 2x is a week pattern, 3x is strong pattern. My red flags are that he has sabotaged 2x already and that his method of choice to handle hurt and pain is to bury it instead of face it. This is his natural inclination, instead of facing the fear and hurt. It doesn’t sound like he has much of a skill set to do otherwise and that is the danger. You can teach him all the skills in the world, but to be honest, from all the years of experience I have had, if a person doesn’t NATURALLY take that path and are NATURALLY driven to grow and heal, then I can teach them as much as I want, I can role model, I can show them…but it just doesn’t end up sticking. Meaning, they don’t really fight for themselves all on their own…they need someone else to do it for them or they will just revert back to old coping styles.
So do you move forward? If you do, then you know what you are getting into. He is a high risk. And my guess is, you are not quite ready to let him go yet…and if that is the truth…then that’s totally okay! Love is a risk regardless, so the most important thing to grasp onto is that you are will be okay no matter what happens!!! Trust YOURSELF that if you can survive a divorce, an alcoholic husband, the loss of your child and land back on your feet….you can handle anything! You are resilient, you are courageous, you are intelligent, you are resourceful!!! So you get to take this journey with this younger guy, who is a high risk kind of experience, but also know that you will handle whatever shows up.
Does this help???
heidi
Hi Bell,
I understand why you are confused! Who knows if that text was a mistake. If it was, that’s okay. He got a good dose of your energy. I love how light and positive you are being about his choices. Well done!
If it was not a mistake, I imagine what most likely is happening is that he really missed you. Maybe he saw something that made him think of you and it took him down memory lane and he reached out. Then pulling away could be that he got really scared again. I’m curious….why did he pull away in the first place?
Next time, if he does text you, try being less connective. Maybe how you responded felt too eager for what he is ready for and it scared him off. next time you could say something like, “It’s wonderful to hear from you! Doing the prom thing right now and having a blast with…… So at the moment, I’m sad and happy to see my baby all grown up. Still praying for you every day. You doin okay?”
Is he dating anyone else? Is there a way to find out?
Heidi
Hey….wow! what a conversation. I want to just say that I am deeply, deeply so sorry for the loss of your child. What an incredibly, shocking, horrible thing to have to endure. There are no words for something like that. That says a lot about you to be able to stand back up and give love another chance again. I have a lot of respect for you.
So how does all of this make you feel? Maybe he is making up some of the story. He is not wanting to lose you. He is fighting for you like crazy right now which I imagine makes you feel a little better.
So my question to you is….what do you need in order to make a decision in either direction? If you want to stay, what information do you need from him in order to be okay with that? If you go, what information do you need in order to make that decision?
Lastly, coming to this choice is going to trigger your past relationship….not feeling safe….what beliefs are being triggered? Love is not safe? Men are not safe? I can’t trust a man? I want to invite you to work with whatever beliefs are showing up about love and men and clear them. Your guy deserves a clean slate….meaning you are not making a decision based on beliefs from past experiences that don’t even involve him. When you work with those negative belief systems, forgive what needs to be forgiven, then you will be much more clear about how to move forward.
Heidi
Hi Aysegul!
I too want to commend you on how you handled everything. You are quite the woman to have talked to him about it vs. yelling and screaming and calling him names and throwing him out. Take a moment and at least pat yourself on the back for handling an EXTREMELY difficult conversation with such grace. That is a VERY rare thing. Well done!
I understand the uneasiness you are still having. It’s not all tying together seamlessly. Something doesn’t feel quite right. The thing is, at this point, there is no way to prove anything. The only evidence you have are the phone calls and that may be all the evidence you ever get. I have no idea what spiritual beliefs you have, but when I need the truth, I ask for it. I say “Goodness (or god or universe or whatever you call it) Let me see this situation through your eyes of truth.” And 100% of the time, new information shows up for me at some point. Keep calling the truth towards you and it will show up, sometimes in very surprising ways. Trust you will get all the information you need.
In the meantime, it’s important you keep working through your own shock and hurt. He behaved in a way that was inappropriate with another woman. There is an aspect that does make sense in that he gets a taste of someone who understands him in a way that you cannot….and that is his culture. It hurts that she could offer him something that you are not able to. She was able to pull something out of him (several conversations, talking about his ex) that you have been wanting. You still are the one initiating all of contact / conversations and here he was making several phone calls to another woman. This can take the wind out of your sail of course. This is the place where you need to work within yourself and begin healing and forgiving, especially yourself, for not being able to get your needs met by him. You have put a TON of effort into trying to make this work. You have been patient, you have reached out for advice, you have read books and he still decided to connect with another woman. So the work for you is about realizing that you A does not equal B. You could have been the most perfect, amazing, brilliant woman for him on the face of this earth, but it doesn’t change he is human and has limitations and he is going to hurt you. You are going to hurt him sometimes as well. His choices have NOTHING to do with you. YOU ARE ENOUGH!! He just has his limitations and you are learning about where those are, as he is learning about where yours are.
He is still sooooo afraid of being hurt. Fear is the source of those walls you keep trying to patiently break down. The thing is, you are getting closer than anyone ever has since his ex and that is terrifying to him….more than he even realizes. So when people get really scared, they subconsciously begin to make decision to sabotage the relationship. They might start to argue more, they might start to lose feelings towards their person, they may start to become a workaholic, addictions can start to show up again…and the funny things is, many times people are not aware of themselves to recognize it….it’s just their subconscious taking the driver’s seat. A few weeks ago, I had found out someone I know has dementia and is on his way out. I didn’t feel much about it except for some sadness for him and a little bit of tears. The week after, all of a sudden, I started craving chocolate and sugar. I’d allow myself a piece here and there, but gradually throughout the week, it became more and more and intense. By the time the weekend hit, it was so strong that I had a day of gluttony! haha! I felt nothing emotionally but I knew enough about myself to recognize the energy behind the cravings. I checked in with my coach the next day and BAM! The person dying really triggered me and I needed to clear it. So being as young as he is, being as afraid as he is, I doubt he is TRULY and DEEPLY connected to what his choices are and why. In some ways, this is a risky kind of person to get involved with. If they don’t know and don’t have the desire to answer the “why” question behind their choices and behavior in life….the relationship will always be limited.
I think the questions I would want to know more about is the deeper stuff behind what drove him to connect. I would want to know:
1. I know a part of you knew that your choice to connect with her in the way you were, would hurt me and was not in your integrity. I am wondering what you were getting from this situation that would make you do it anyways.
2. I understand you are scared you are going to get hurt again. Reality is, I will hurt you, you will hurt me. Love is a risk and there is no way around it. What about your ex have you not forgiven yet? What aspects are you still trying to let go of?
(by the way…you should look up “The Invitation” by Oriah Mountain Dreamer).
3. You broke your integrity. I’m really curious about why.Those type of questions are more about what he was thinking and feeling that would inspire him to cross the line. It’s a deeper answer in him and has NOTHING to do with you…except that he is scared of you and scared of loving you….but there is nothing you can do about that…that is his own journey. Reality is, if he answers a lot of “I don’t knows” then you are with someone with poor awareness of himself. He may do everything he can to fix it, but that’s just fixing it. It doesn’t fix what caused it in the first place. So when anyone breaks their integrity with me, I watch them and what they actually DO about it. I have cheated before and it scared the living daylights out of me that I could do something like that. I never, in a million years, would have thought I was capable. So I sat with myself and broke down every detail and dissected every aspect to understand what drove me to do something like that. Then I met with my coach and we processed the crap out of it. Am I still capable? ABSOLUTELY!!! I know that now. What I also know are the warning signs that I am heading in a not so good direction and because of that, I can immediately take ACTION before I go down that road. And that is what I am looking for in someone else. I am looking for someone to care enough about THEMSELVES that they pay attention, they take ACTION to make sure they stay emotionally balanced, stable and accountable and that when they do mess up, they really work on fixing it form the inside of themselves and not the outside.
I’m totally over talking right now…lol! I will leave it at that. Hopefully this will help you understand a little more about what you need from him, the truth about what he is doing and how you can work with the hurt you are feeling right now.
Sending you a lot of healing vibes!!!
Heidi
