[Heidi G]

Hi Latisha!

Thanks for the update! I’m not super excited about his response. It is the response of a man who isn’t really THAT interested. It was a bit “eager” of you to ask him to hang out for something that is a few months away. I really don’t know anyone who makes hang out plans a few months in advance unless it’s a concert or something. I’m also not a fan of you never really knowing what he will react like. Let me reflect back to you what you are saying about him.

1. He annoying
2. He is unpredictable
3. You never know what his response will be
4. You don’t talk as often
5. You sometimes have fun on the phone
6. He is non-committal

Now….you are telling me that you are not sure you want to get back together with him, but you just want to “hang out” and see what it’s like so you can decide whether there is more potential there? Does that mean you are going to ignore ALL the signs that have been showing up for you right now? It keeps feeling like you want to revisit the past. You want things to be the way they used to be with him, but they just aren’t….but you keep hoping he might come around. Reading his response, to be honest, tells me he is saying in a very nice way….no. He just isn’t that into you. He doesn’t know what will happen in a few months and he is definitely not showing any signs at all of wanting to get back together with you. If a guy really wants something, he goes for it. Now, that’s not to say that he may change over time. I’m just saying that for right now, in this moment, he just isn’t very excited about you. You deserve a guy who is excited to see you, excited to talk to you, is more predictable (an unpredictable emotional man does not help a woman feel safe – the number 1 need for a woman in a relationship). It’s okay that you don’t want to date…you will do whatever you are able to handle at any given moment.

I just want to really bring you back to yourself and ask you….what do you really want? You seem very much on the fence about this guy. He doesn’t seem to be initiating any hang out times and that is something REALLY important for the man to do. You ended up asking him out to celebrate a super huge achievement and he brushes you off. Is this really the kind of guy you want to keep spending your energy on? If yes, tell me why. Tell me what he has that makes you want to fight for him so much. What makes you stay connected to him?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Adlen,

Thank you for more details! I’m wondering how his last relationship ended and what kind of relationship it was. Did he get his heart broken? Was it a messy or peaceful ending? What has he ever said to you about his experience of that relationship?

So it sounds like you guys were apart awhile and then when you reconnected, you guys became intimate. Is that correct? Have you guys ever had the conversation about what you want from each other? Have you guys ever talked about being interested in something serious or something lite and easy?

I’m not sure I fully understand. He disconnects for a few days and then re-connects, then disappears again? Is that what you mean? Is he ever initiating contact with you or are you doing all the initiating?

Even though you were intimate, were you guys able to connect back into the friendship side of things and enjoy each other’s company???

Sorry for more questions….trying to get a good feel about this.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kristin,

wow! What an incredible attitude you have CHOSEN. It’s soooo easy to choose the path of anger, resentment and blame. Not that you don’t feel those emotions, but it sounds like you are really working through them and facing them instead of burying them. This guy is what it looks like to bury emotions. He hasn’t dealt with his past hurts truly and completely. His automatic and sudden shut down is evidence of that.

It’s interesting that he did mention he was not interested in getting close to someone, yet he sure bonded with you. His actions and words didn’t quite line up very well. This incident obviously scared him enough into remembering that getting close to someone is not a safe thing to do.

I’m glad you recognized that in the future, it’s a good idea to take things slow. It’s sooooo incredibly difficult when all of those wonderful bonding chemicals are running crazy in your body. I always advise people to remember that relationships really are built off of the worst part of the people. Meaning…You need to see them at their very worst, so you can see how they handle stress. ONce you see their character in that kind of environment….THEN you can make a more clear decision as to whether this person is a good fit or not. I have seen charmers turn into abusers, I have seen the nicest people ever become vindictive, I have seen very loving people disconnect, never to return. You need to see the WHOLE person before you allow yourself to attach.

Well done for calling on your support system and really facing this. I know what it feels like to not be able to eat because your heart hurts so much. It’s so painful….AND the strength and wisdom you will gain from this healing process will be priceless!!!

Keep hanging in there. Time will continue to heal and you will move forward with new knowledge, new strength and a new vision.

Keep checking in with us and let us know how you are doing!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Elizabeth,

I want to just address “maybe single isn’t bad” and talk about that for a bit. You are absolutely right!!! Everyone I work with, I REALLY encourage them to spend some looong seasons being single and alone. I take them through various ‘assignments” so they can get to know themselves in a very specfic way that will equip them better for when a relationship does come along. I have been single MANY times in my life and anytime I start to “crave” finding someone, it’s a sign for me that I am out of balance and not connected to myself. It tells me that I am wanting something from someone else that I am not willing to give to myself. So I spend time really looking at what I”m missing. Being single, feeling balanced, happy, content and peaceful is a WONDERFUL place to be. When you have no need to look and explore, that’s a wonderful time to start dating! It creates and attracts a completely different energy!

I really encourage being alone for seasons because it can develop a relationship within yourself that is so important for attracting a higher quality relationship.

Have you ever spent time NOT dating? Have you ever been 100% single and NOT dating or seeking attention or connection from someone else? If yes, what’s the longest amount of time you have spent in those phases? Also, where are you at in this current moment? Are you uncomfortable being single or craving love and connection with someone?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Nikolera!

I’m curious. Since your son was the main reason for the separation, I am wondering how you think it will work out again. It doesn’t sound like he has changed at all towards his son. He is not interested in his child. He is not interested in becoming closer, nor understanding him better. I understand that you love this man, but this man does not love his son in a deep connective way…and that is a HUGE barrier! So even if you did get his attentions back, what makes you think it will be different than before?
Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Latisha,

Of course you want to just meet the person you want marry. I think everybody might pick that option were it possible. However, the process of dating is soooo important. YOu learn things about yourself that are so important. You develop skills like boundaries, communication, facing your judgments, facing your prejudices etc. Dating brings about all those things that make us better partners. It’s not for everyone though. All you can do for right now, is to view dating as a “pathway” to becoming a better partner for that man who inspires your heart in a very unusual way. I wouldn’t wish for anyone to miss the process….marriage can be extremely difficult if you have developed certain skillsets to handle what shows up. In my opinion, marriage and love is something that needs to be “earned” in a way. Dating is the right of passage. If you can’t handle the dating, then you sure as heck won’t handle marriage very well! Of course, this is just my opinion and many will disagree.

You keep saying something interesting about your ex. You keep saying he is aggravating. I am wondering if this bothers you. Being aggravated with your partner is such a normal thing. Would you expect something different??

I am also wanting to invite you to think about something. I am wondering if you keep latching onto your ex because you would rather have that, then to go through the dating again. I get that you wish you guys could go back to how it was before. I suggest to really let that thinking and fantasizing go. That is in the past and not something that is a reality anymore. It is so important that you view him and the dynamics of you 2 together IN THE PRESENT moment. Do you love how you guys interact NOW? Do you love him as a person NOW? Do you really see yourself with him for a long time for who he is NOW vs. how you guys used to be???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi!

Can you offer us more details??? This can be a tricky situation. Sometimes people need some time to shift from friends to lovers. It can actually be a very uncomfortable / awkward thing.

Have you talked to him about being distant? Have you guys been intimate more than once? How long have you been friends? What led up to being intimate? Was it something he initiated or was it you? Have you had romantic feelings for a long time for him…or vice versa? ARe you wanting a romantic relationship with him? Is he a relationship kind of guy or is he a dating kind of guy? What’s his history with other women? Has he been in love before?

I know it’s a lot of quesitons. It will help us understand more detail so we can best guide you through this. Hang in there!
Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh Kristin!
I am so sorry!!! How frustrating and hurtful for you!!!! My heart goes out to you. There is nothing more frustrating than to deal with someone who shuts the door in your face and won’t listen to anything you have to say.

Yes, there definitely is some dysfunction happening here. I bet that he has this underlying belief system that women can’t be trusted and that he doesn’t really believe in happiness….and that he will look for any signs of something going wrong and will cut it off right then and there so he doesn’t have to go through that pain again. It’s sad really as relationships / life are full of disappointments, but he doesn’t have much tolerance for it. A guy like that is carrying around a TON of baggage and not letting go / forgiving what happened in his past. This can make for a very difficult relationship as you are already finding out. He is sooooo tapped out on his ability to handle hurt that he will build walls like crazy that will never allow him to feel deeply with someone. I have no doubt he is a wonderful man as well. I do just want to warn you that until he learns to handle his hurts differently and until he really chooses to let go of the hurt from his past, he won’t be available for a deep, connectable love. If it wasn’t this “match” thing that triggered him, it would hae been something else. He was a stretched out rubberband waiting to snap. You can’t stop that from happening except for being perfect and never doing anything that hurts him.

I think was needs to happen is to continue giving him some space and you really work on your own on forgiving him for treating you this way. When you feel resolved inside yourself, then writing a letter can be a wonderful way to create closure. It’s CRUCIAL that you write that letter never expecting any response. It would be more about creating closure for yourself. Appreciating him for the time you did share is a great thing to say, apologizing for just showing is great and then leave it at that. Keep is simple, short, light and full of appreciation for who he is and that you wish him the best.

I have a feeling it’s gonna take him awhile to let his defenses down. YOu did nothing wrong, but in his mind, you betrayed him and that is the story he will choose to believe in. I am wondering why he went on match in the first place. He went there as well, so I wonder if he was gonna look at other options. Who knows….but the story he has stamped on your experience is so strong and will only re-enforce what he needs to believe. Again…this is so sad as he is really missing out on you!!!

Let me know how all of this makes you feel!

[Heidi G]

Hi Trudi!

Wonderful! I’m glad you have a lot of thoughts about what I said. I get that you don’t consider yourself a fearful person and tough. That is awesome as it will be your greatest strength as you move forward. Even though you are very strong, love has a way of finding those holes where our self esteem, fear, insecurities live. I think that’s why I have studied love and relationships for over 2 decades! I found myself having the same experiences where I know myself to be very strong and confident, willing to take risks, quite courageous but then….love showed me that I was not all that as well. I was both….it just depended on the situation and what side got triggered. Love will expose things that nothing else can!

Looking forward to all of your thoughts!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Latisha!

It’s all good! It’s no big deal really. Dating is the hardest when you have to disappoint someone for sure. I’m wondering if you are willing to see this guy in person though….just once. I can’t tell you how many times I have been disappointed or surprised by the person I met compared to a picture they sent me. I would encourage you to do that. At the very least, you get to feel what it’s like to be around a guy that seems to make you laugh and have a good personality. At the most, you go on a 2nd date.

If you do go on the date…it’s real simple if you want to end it. You can say, “I just don’t feel the way I want to feel in order to move forward with this.”

If you are just not willing to at least go on a date, then you can simply say, “you know…I need to be honest. I have enjoyed exchanging messages with you, but the other day, I had a reality check. I’m not really over my ex yet. He popped back into my life not too long ago and I’m not quite sure if I am ready to let him go. I thought I was more over him than I was. Bottom line, you are a wonderful person and you don’t deserve to get dragged into my indecision. I need to figure this out first before I do anything further. I’m so sorry for not being available to continue forward with you.”

What do you think?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Man,…I totally get it! I dated a guy at work once and we had the most amazing and intense connection. When we broke up, although it was peaceful and needed, seeing him every single day and having to interact with him was sooooo hard! It definitely makes it 10x more difficult than if you worked in separate places. I’m sorry you have to go through this. You will find a brand new strength inside of yourself as you heal from this and create a different design that is healthier for you. You will get there eventually. It is just gonna take some time. So make sure you are really taking care of yourself right now. Make sure you are out having some fun!!! That is one of the best ways to fill up your spirit when facing something difficult. Animals are so wonderful too! Maybe go visit a shelter and help walk some dogs.
What kinds of activities put a smile on your face?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Trudi!

You are asking some wonderful questions and I love your challenge on my approach! Keep it coming please!!!

Let’s talk about this further. Yes…anyone can leave at any time. Accepting that can actually bring more peace in the risk you are taking. Relationship is a risk and that’s the bottom line, universal truth right? Love is unpredictable. Any information out there about how to get your SO to stay committed are just ways that could help along the process, teach someone skillsets to help inspire their partner to stay joined with them on the journey…but that’s all anything is….they are ideas, they are skills, they are ways to understand yourself and your partner and how you can strengthen the interaction…..none of it out there is a guarantee for anything.

I don’t want you to misunderstand me. The path I have taken in guiding you is about you facing the anxiety you have about the future. Again, fear is what fuels anxiety. Fear of pain, yes, is normal and natural, however it can become unhealthy when the fear is in the driver’s seat of your decision. When we are in fear of pain, we actually go into the lower functioning part of our brain and we don’t have access to the higher thinking centers that have more information for us. So the goal, is to help you with the unpredictability of your situation. Finding acceptance that whether you choose him or someone else, it’s a risk and in that risk, there is potential for great pain and for great love. Once you have made peace with the “not knowing” what can happen, whether you stay or go, THEN the anxiety lessens enough to sit in the back seat and the “adult” higher functioning part of yourself sits in the driver’s seat and can make a more clear decision as to what is most important for you.

Reality is Trudi, there is no way for you to know which path is full of more happiness. No one has that answer. You could meet someone new and fall madly in love and then he dies. You could stay with your husband now and have the best years of your life awaiting you. Can you stay in the relationship and feel secure about it? Yes, that’s possible, but it’s also not possible…depending on his choices. What if you started over? Yes…you can be happy again and have a different experience. Love is like a tree. You can grow 1 branch and it gets fed and grows and then something changes and that branch no longer is active. Then you grow another branch that gets fed and grows. Love will not be the same as both branches are different, but none the less, it’s still love. Does that mean the next guy won’t break your heart in some way or another? who knows? All of your questions are driven by future with fear in the driver’s seat. Like you said, it’s quite normal to want to avoid pain and feel happy. Here is the truth….no matter the path you take, you will figure it out. There is both pain and pleasure awaiting you no matter the path you take. So it needs to become a one day at a time kind of thing instead of making a decision that defines the rest of your life from this one moment to either stay or move on. If you leave, you will struggle for sure. If you stay, you have a different struggle to face. Which struggle are you willing to face right now Trudi? If you stay, it’s about working on an even deeper level about letting go of the past and getting all of your thoughts and focus on the present and what is right in front of you. If you leave, you will face the struggle of letting go of a dream and all the emotions tied into that. So for today….and only today, what struggle do you want to face?

So you ask, why make a commitment to begin with if you accept that anyone can leave at anytime? Because you want to take a journey with someone. Because you want to experience deep feelings WITH someone. Because you want to have experiences that you can only have WITH someone. It’s how we HAVE to function in life. Why have pets when we know they are going to die and cause us a ton of sorrow when they die? Why have children when we know that they are going to cost thousands of dollars, make us feel an incredible amount of hurt, anger, frustration and push us in unbelievable ways? We design our lives this way because we want to feel love despite the guarantee of pain…no matter what kind of pain shows up….that love and connection is worth feeling!

So instead of asking, “which path should I take that has the least amount of pain?” Maybe think about asking, “which path causes my heart to open? Which path makes me feel most motivated to grow?” “If I stay, this is what my goals are….(maybe you want to improve communication, maybe you want to have some new adventures, maybe you want to go to couples counseling…decide what you want from the experience) “If I go and move on, these are the experiences I want to create for myself…..”

There is so much I want to keep sharing with you, but I would love your feedback first and how all of this makes you feel. I honestly just want to give you a big hug and offer a ton of comfort as the situation you are in is soooo difficult. You are at a crossroads and it’s a tough choice. When we are faced with those moments, the VERY BEST thing you can do, is to take a path and commit to it until you gather new information that may lead you down a different path. The point is, just to start walking in a direction. You can sit at the crossroads all you want, wondering which path will be easier, but as long as you stay at the beginning and not move, you will never find out. So once you make a choice, commit to it, get support all along the way and stay connected to that wonderful confidence you have and knowing that you will be okay no matter the path you take! My heart is with you!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Korina!

It sounds like you are really moving on! Good job on getting out there and figuring all of this out. It’s probably a good idea to stay away from your ex. Your interests have gone elsewhere and it sounds like he might need to be single for awhile instead of jumping from lady to lady.

Keep us upated on these guys!!! We would love to hear all this going on for you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Trudi!

That’s wonderful that you do trust in yourself! There might be some holes in it though. If you 100% trusted in yourself, then the anxiety wouldn’t be there. Anxiety is fear about the future. Fear is a lack of feeling safe. There is nothing he can say or do that will make your fear go away. The fear of feeling safe is about your connection with yourself and your trust in yourself. The safety needs to come from your insides, and not from any words he can tell you..because it doesn’t matter what he says…none of it is a guarantee. Does that make sense? I have a TON of trust in myself, but sometimes, something shows up in life where it exposes the weak links and where my trust is not as solid as I thought. Maybe this is what is happening for you? If you don’t agree with what I am saying, let me know what you think it has to do with. You obviously know yourself really well, so help guide me if I am off!!!

As far as the hard choice you have to make….your fear could exist about anyone. Your fear is in you, therefore, even if you do start over, that fear will carry with you. So why not face the fear and resolve that fear and THEN make a decision. It is NEVER a clear decision when fear is at the source of making that decision. Thoughts?
Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Joy!

Wow! Well done! It takes incredible strength to acknowledge your role in this situation and take ownership of it. Not many people can do that, so I have a lot of respect for you and your choice!!! Any man would be lucky to be with a person who takes responsibility for their own emotions and doesn’t point the finger all the time.!!!
Keep working on yourself and getting things in order. The more you connect to yourself, the less needy you will be.

So glad you shared with us!!
Heidi

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