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Hi Christine,
Wow…you guys have been through quite a bit. Isn’t it crazy what love inspires us to do? Love can bring out the most amazing sides to a person as well as the darker sides to a person. Both of you have lied and hurt each other quite a bit. It’s been a tumultuous road for sure.
Regardless of the lies that have been exchanged, the one thing you really need to pay attention to is that he bailed after a year. He just up and left and didn’t talk to you much about it. It sounds like he really interested in getting married or falling in love to that level. Many people I have come across have chosen a cynical viewpoint of love due to their parents. It sounds like he has not really forgiven them for their choices. As long as he doesn’t resolve all of that baggage he is carrying around, he is not going to be available for anyone.
Even if you guys got back together, it doesn’t sound like he will let you in. Even if you gave up the idea of marriage, you will still want to keep growing closer and deeper with him over time and that is what he not really willing to do. It sounds like this issue is more about him than it is about you. I’m sure there were things you did to contribute, but bottom line, it sounds like he is just not that kind of guy who is available to take that journey with.
I know you still love him, however love is not enough to make a relationship last. It’s just part of the foundation. Do you feel like you could let this guy go? Or are you not willing at this point and you want him back?
Heidi
Okay then! That was really helpful information. It sounds like you are clear about what you want, so let’s see if we can help you on your path!
So what have you said to him to get him to meet up with you again? And you said he is beating around the bush….how is he doing that? What is his response to your efforts to connect? Does he ever initiate the texting / contact anymore or are you doing all the initiating? Is there anyway to find out if he is dating someone else at the moment?
Heidi
It is very difficult to know what you are getting into until you see someone handle stress. That is what makes falling in love the biggest risk ever! Your heart gets wrapped up with their heart and then hurt starts to show up and test how each person treats each other.
There is never any guarantee however there are ways to see into the person to better know what you are getting into. For example, I ask a lot of questions about how he responds to stress and how he has handled times like that in his past. I’m not only paying attention to how he responded in the past, but also the kinds of words he uses to explain the situation, his tone of voice, his body language. how comfortable he is talking about it, how deep he goes into the story etc. The thing is, we develop our coping mechanisms as children. It’s how we learn to survive the hard times in life. I tend to get really quiet and have passive aggressive type of tendencies. I had to work on that side of myself for a loooong time to make different choices that were healthier. You would easily be able to know this about me by just asking some questions about my stress responses from my past (that is, if I am choosing to be completely authentic and honest). That is one of many approaches to get a sneak peak into what is in your future with this person.
Another, more aggressive way to see someone’s response to stress is to mess up. There are a gazillion ways to mess things up. You can be late for a date, you can drop food or a drink on his clothes, you can “accidentally” get lost, you can forget something that he has to go back and get with you etc. Many people raise their eyebrows at this approach because why would you want to mess up a perfectly good date??? Well….if I am really starting to like a guy and considering letting him in a little deeper, I want to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a good guy, even during difficult times. SO MANY TIMES, you don’t really know that about a person until months down the road when stress shows up! So why not slightly expedite the process and create little mini stresses here and there and see what he does with them. If he blows up, treats you badly or has any negative behavior during those moments, THEN THAT IS A HUGE REVEAL about what you would face with him when things get really difficult.
Of course, there is no full proof way to know your future with someone, so the best you can do is become more aware and become really educated as to how to look for those caution flags. I’ll tell ya, it has saved me many, many times both with friends and guys I was dating. AND…even with the incredible amount of information I have about human behavior, love etc…I can still be fooled. That’s just the reality of all of it, so bottom line is that I use the skills that I have and if I get fooled or get involved with someone not so healthy for me at some point, I trust myself to be okay when it happens. It is what allows me to take a risk in the first place.
So after all that I have said, your reality is that you invested in a man and believed in a man and he didn’t quite turn out to be the kind of person you thought….a man that was stable, handled stress well, a good communicator and safe…and that is just plain disappointing. That hardest part is that you got to experience the side of him that is also all of those things. You would not have fallen for him if he weren’t those things. Stress just brought out the other side to him that was not good at relationship. There is nothing you could have done. Even though you could look back and see where you could have been better for him, it doesn’t change that he came to the table with all of that baggage way before you showed up and that is where he is responsible for himself. That side to him would show up regardless of how amazing you are to him. It’s inevitable that our baggage leaks out at some point and affects our person.
One of my very favorite quotes by Marianne Williamson: “Until we have seen someone’s darkness, we don’t really know who they are. Until we have forgiven someone’s darkness, we don’t really know what love is.” Just to add onto that, we also have to be able to forgive our own darkness and that sounds like the place that he is stuck. SO again, no matter how much you forgive him and are ready to move on and re-create, he has to be able to do that for himself or it will never work.
From everything you shared, you really did the very best that you could and that is enough. You can lead a horse to water, but cannot make him drink. He missed out on you and that makes me sad for him.
Heidi
Hi Lone,
It feels good to connect with someone like that right? Especially after ending your marriage! I don’t blame you for wanting to create a relationship with this guy. I am hesitant to encourage that as there are some things going on that need to really be paid attention to.
1. He wants kids and you do not. THAT IS A MAJOR difference! People want to slide right over that and ignore it and think they will figure it out later, but reality is, it always comes back and most of the time can ruin a relationship. No matter how amazing you think this guy is, this is a HUGE limiting factor for both of you.
2. You are just getting out of a marriage. You have been on a rollercoaster ride with this guy and partly because you haven’t allowed yourself to fully and completely deal with the loss of your marriage. You even tried to get back together with your ex and that tells me there is some unresolved stuff going on. This guy is a rebound. Not to say that the feelings aren’t real, but he is definitely a wonderful distraction from the fact that the family you created is breaking. I want to encourage you to let yourself deal with all that comes with something like that happening.
3. You barely know this guy. BE CAREFUL!!! I know there are strong feelings and you think the world of him. He also has some not so pretty sides to him, like all of us do. You never really know someone until you see them under stress and see how they respond. You are already fantasizing about having a life with him and you are just breaking up from your husband and have barely spent extended time with him. It’s important to realize that you are going to need A LOT of time to get to know him and yourself and even heal from what you are going through. Takes things VERY VERY slow and be cautious.
4. As far as him seeing someone else, who knows if he is telling the truth or not. That doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m glad you want to say things to him in person, as that’s important. Give him some time. He has already been through a lot with you in this short amount of time. What do you want to say to him? What do you want from him? Are you going to ask for a relationship? It will help us guide you better if we know what you are seeking with him.
Heidi
Yeeesss! I think people tend to put meaning on flirting / chemistry etc. and that something needs to come of it. It’s natural of course to feel chemistry and want to explore that chemistry….but over the years, I have also discovered the art of just letting it be flirting and NOT needing it to be anymore than that. I just enjoy the exchange and that’s it. It’s really wonderful actually!!! Like you said, it’s fun! The challenge can be the other person many times. Guys tend to want to take the sexual energy and carry it further, but I have experimented over the years that the type of flirting can really influence their reaction. So in a lot of ways, I have more control over the situation by how I present myself.
Heidi
oops! seems my entire message did not get sent and I have no idea why! I don’t remember what I said, but I’ll just create a new thought.
Relationships are solid and they are not solid. So when looking for a person to align yourself with, it’s VERY important that you have similar ways of approaching life…especially emotionally. Whenever I am getting to know someone new, since I am looking to have the experience of love, my hypersensitive sensors are on high alert. There are very specific things I look for right away that are crucial for me. I want a guy who is integrated, emotionally intelligent and when under stress, is not harmful to me, himself or anyone else in any way. So I ask a lot of questions in the beginning around those topics and really test him out. I do this because it’s VERY easy to get caught up in the bonding, emotions, chemistry of someone and choose to ignore the red flags because being around that person feels so wonderful! Many people ignore the red flags and many times don’t even see them! So I like to see as much as I can and take things REALLY slow so I am aware of what I am getting into. I’ve gone through many breakups and they are heartbreaking! Sometimes NOT walking through that door and NOT risking is more of the lesson than going for it.
So I’m curious….looking back at the beginning of your relationship with him, did you see any signs that he would behave this way or that you guys would end up breaking up at some point?
Heidi
He definitely has something going on. He is available and then he isn’t. He is connective with you and then he isn’t. Who knows what is causing this, but either way, he is split and not integrated as a whole. Split thinking is when someone is divided. He has 1 part that connects really well with you and another side that doesn’t. They definitely are at odds with each other. When someone is split like that, there is NO WINNING! They have to become united and integrated themselves first before they really become fully and completely available for someone. Of course you are scratching your head! It’s so confusing!!! But let that be a big red flag for you in the future. And always remember, even after 30 years of being with someone, you know everything about them and then nothing about them. Life happens and people can change in a matter of seconds and you never know how someone will respond. I think that’s the hardest part of relationship. It can be very solid and it also can be m
Hi Darlene,
Just because he is flirting, DOES NOT MEAN he is single. If a guy is feeling a connection, chemistry, attraction….woman at home or not, he most likely will respond and struggle quite a bit inside. More often than not, when there is that much connection and the guy walks away, he is taken already. He is just being a guy responding to a woman who inspired him. I know PLENTY of happily married couples who have gotten attention from someone else and there is an exchange of wonderful chemistry, flirting etc. and it’s just a moment in time. It doesn’t always mean someone is unhappy or looking to cheat…it can really just mean 2 people have a connection that is just there and it stays where it started. Maybe that is what happened with you guys. Who knows though…I could totally be wrong. I wouldn’t take it personally. He responded but didn’t follow through and like you said, it’s a pretty wonderful feeling to get to be the prize. It’s not egoist to want to be chased. It is the very natural order of how men and women have interacted for centuries! It shows up in many different formats, but bottom line, men love to chase and women love being chased and that’s that…no right or wrong about it. It’s just how we are made.
And yes, flirting can be soooo much fun! It’s such a special form of communication and brings out a lot of wonderful feelings. Keep practicing!
This is GREAT information! Thank you for sharing more! I have a lot to say about this, but bottom line, with all the perspective I give you, if there is anything you really come to terms with, it’s that this is who he is and it is CRUCIAL that you accept this about him. Can he change and evolve over time? Yes…will he? Who knows. Will he evolve enough to make you more comfortable? Who knows. What is important is who he is NOW. You choose him and accept him for EXACTLY who he is. You can recognize his areas where there are limitations and work on them with him of course…and that’s about all you can do. If you happen to be thinking, “I want him to change” in any sort of way…then you are doing him and yourself a did-service. I don’t get that sense from you, but I just wanted to say that just in case that type of thought might be floating around in your mind somewhere.
So the best way to really get what is happening for him, is to know this simple, fundamental truth about everyone….Our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. It’s one of the easiest ways to really know what you are getting into with someone….look at their strengths and know there is also a “darker” side to them. For example, I am very good at communicating and understanding the dynamics in situations that more hidden. It’s what helps me be an effective coach for people. AND….the top complaint from past boyfriends is that I tend to always “over analyze” and “over talk” when struggles show up. So your guy is very social, has a high need to be a part of groups and thrives off of attention. This has served him VERY well in his life. It’s a “winning formula” for him. I imagine coming across you, he is having a deeper experience that is new for him….and I imagine a bit uncomfortable as well. Give him some time. He is also young, so there is still a lot of life learning to do.
I get that you feel a bit of pressure. I would like to invite you to think about just letting that go. It is not your job, on any level, to make him feel secure and happy. That is his job. Compliment him, appreciate him, dote on him when YOU feel inspired. Do not get caught up in the trap of losing his attention if you don’t do it enough. If you start that cycle, you will teach him to become dependent on YOU for his self esteem and that is a formula for disaster! Instead, help teach him there are OTHER ways to get self esteem. For example, maybe you could say something like, “I have really been thinking about facing a habit of mine that is not super healthy for me. I was reading this article the other day about how bad coffee can be. So I’m thinking I want to start by just giving it up for 5 days and see what happens. It’s such a hard thing for me to do, so I thought what might help is to have a little competition with you, if you wanna play. You give up something that you are addicted to for a week. If we make it, we go out and celebrate! If one of us loses, the winner gets a 30 minute foot rub, with breakfast in bed of their favorite breakfast.” The idea here is, you lead him into doing something that will deepen his connection with himself. Maybe he can give up facebook for a week or something. Whatever he chooses, it will require impulse control and when he develops that more and more, he lives his life more as an adult vs. a child. This is just one idea and I think you will get the concept. He is going to need you to lead him into deeper places of himself as most guys don’t quite know how to get there themselves….so being that you are older and more developed, you can be his role model. Make sure you don’t teach though (one of my strengths AND weaknesses…lol).
How does all of this make you feel? I still have more to say, but just want to see how this feels for you first.
Heidi
Hi Vanessa,
I feel ya! Your story is a VERY common story actually when it comes to the online dating thing. If you have not really done the online dating thing before, brace yourself! It is rollercoaster ride. It has nothing to do with you! Many common experiences are just like yours. Keep perspective here. The guy you went on a date with is most likely also talking to other girls at the same time and going on other dates as well. Sure, you have a lot of fun with each other and there was chemistry, but maybe on another night he went out with another girl that he happened to like a little more. People that have been online dating for awhile typically are going on 2-3 dates per week. I won’t get into what that does to a person. What is most important to remember is that you are valuable and worth getting to know, even if these guys who have let you down, didn’t fight for you. Your low self esteem is being activated by this guy not responding and that is where online dating can be a great gift for anyone! There is a lot of rejection, disappointment and mishaps, so it gives people a lot of practice to strengthen (or become more bitter and shut down) their inner self esteem and work with the parts of themselves that are fragile. We all have strong parts of our self esteem and not so strong parts. Dating online exposes both!
May I suggest a different approach to dating online? I like to coach people to focus on developing certain skills they need to strengthen for relationships. So maybe you need to practice setting boundaries? Or maybe you need to practice certain kinds of communication? Or practice being more authentic? There are soooo many things to focus on, so pick something that you feel needs an extra boost. Pick an areas that you tend to be uncomfortable with. However, I really only suggest online dating when someone feels more solid. There have been times I’ve had clients recovering from a breakup and they want to go online and it’s the WORST time to do it because they are in a fragile state. Online dating can be very frustrating and confusing, so make sure you are really ready to take all that comes along, but still keep your spirits high!
I would suggest waiting it out with this guy. You want the guy to make the initiative. You want him to be inspired to make plans with you again. So if you back off and just see what he does all on his own, you allow him to take the lead. Still be flirty and connective with him, but let him ask you out. AND….I would also suggest to make other plans for the night you guys talked about. Let’s say you guys talked about a Friday date and it’s Thursday and he hasn’t finalized anything with you, do not be available. If he finally asks to finalize Friday evening, you can say, “Oh shoot! I’m so sorry! You never really finalized anything with me, so I made other plans. I would love to see you again though. I do have next Friday available if you would like to plan something.” And leave it at that! It helps teach him first, that you are not going to wait around and you have a life and second, you are not available at his whim, so he needs to plan better if he is going to see you. It will also activate his need to chase you a bit. If you say yes to whatever he wants, then there is no struggle for him. He needs to struggle a bit for you.
How does all of what I am saying feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Darlene!
This is a great question! I don’t know that I would advise you to have done anything different. That repair man could have been married or already taken and that’s why he didn’t ask for your info. He also may have gotten in trouble considering you were a customer. Who knows. The best you can do is flirt, offer eye contact, smile that special smile and the ball is in the guy’s court. If he doesn’t pick up the slack and ask you out, in my opinion, he is not worth it. If a guy can’t do anything with the signals I send and I know he feels / sees, I trust it is just meant to be that way. That is my perspective of course. Others might tell you to write your number down or take it one step further in some way, where the guy doesn’t have to ask for your number…you somehow get it to him. Again…I like a guy who is willing to chase. I like a guy who is willing to initiate…so being that this guy didn’t initiate, regardless of the chemistry, my guess is he is not available. It sounds like you did a really wonderful job sending the signals and there is nothing more you could have done.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Latisha,
I just wanted to respond to your response to my suggestions. One of things that qualifies someone like Kanya or me is having been exactly where you are at right now. It’s how we can offer guidance and certain skills because we have had to use them on ourselves. I’m so sorry if you felt I was asking you to flip a switch. There is no way that is possible when love is involved. I was offering a skill of re-programming your mind. You have created and imagined a certain life with this guy for quite awhile. You have invested a lot of energy into him and daily thinking. So the skill is not about flipping a switch and all of a sudden not loving him anymore and moving on. Man…can you imagine if it were that easy??? It’s about no longer allowing your mind to connect into thoughts about him. The more you think about him and allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole, the longer you stay disillusioned. So this particular skill helps keep you grounded in the present. Imagine you were parent and had to move to another state. You pack up your kid, the house etc and hop in the car and begin your new adventure. Your child is going to cry, be mad, miss their friends, their life etc. As a parent, you are going to listen, however you are also going to tell your child you will be okay. That life is over now and you are going to create a wonderful new life with new friends. Of course it doesn’t make the feelings go away, but what it does is ground your child in the present and not the past and that’s why it’s important to say it over and over and over again. Keep reminding yourself of what is and not what was. I don’t know if this explanation gives you any more meaning for the technique, but I thought I’d at least give it a shot.
I’m glad to hear that your focus is on you and you are doing what you can to clear out any memories that would trigger you. I’ve gotten a box before and just put everything in it and put it out of site before. I’ve forgotten about it and then months later come across that stuff and was happy how much I had healed as I wasn’t triggered anymore. Do what you need to do to help yourself get through this very difficult time.
Keep talking us! There are a million ideas we have to help you through this time.
Heidi
Hi Kim!
So glad you are reaching out and learning more and more about how to understand him and how to be a better partner. Who knows if he is in the pull away phase. He went on a sailing trip with his friends, so you don’t really have enough of him “pulling away” type of behavior to know that is the phase he is in. Don’t jump to any conclusions yet. You have sent 3 messages so make sure to not send anymore. Wait until he gets back. Wait until he contacts you and initiates with you. Don’t ask to see him or anything!!! Give him all the space to re-connect with you and chase you a bit.
When does he get back?
Heidi
