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Oh this is GREAT to hear! I’m so glad you were able to talk with him about it and that he actually acknowledge your feelings as being valid. Yay! That must have felt amazing for you! And good job for taking some time so you didn’t emotionally vomit all over him. That was VERY adult of you to communicate your struggle and that you needed to think things through. Do you know how many people never do that?? Instead, their emotions slime the other person and it causes harm. I know this has been a pattern of yours in the past, but look at you caring enough to work on it! It’s not the kind of person you want to be. You are going to slip up now and then, but you will continue to improve, the more you practice. I really have a lot of respect for your choice to work on this!
Good job!
Heidi
Oh yes. I did misunderstand. Being a witness to that abuse is just as horrible. It is incredibly impactful and has all the same affects as if it happened to you personally. It terrifying as a child to watch something repeatedly. Of course he doesn’t feel safe to love. Of course you are timid. Experiences like that will impact every single second of every day of your life until you face it, forgive, release and heal. I truly hope you reach out to a specialist who can guide you into healing.
I know you feel you don’t have confidence, but let me normalize something for you. EVERYBODY has low self-esteem. It doesn’t matter how emotionally healthy and confident you become, there will ALWAYS be areas where you have very low confidence. The idea you want to work towards is feeling more confident than not. Love however, is a very special and unique kind of energy that will easily find all of your insecurities and shines a light on them. It does that to everyone. That’s why love is such a powerful force for growth. Love will show me areas of low confidence that only the energy of love can expose. So I really would like to invite you into seeing that you have more confidence than you give yourself credit for. Yes, you have areas of low self-esteem, but so does everybody. I personally see you as quite strong. It takes strength to come here and ask for another opinion. It takes strength to read what I had to say. It takes strength to even admit that you have low confidence. It takes strength to acknowledge the challenge you are facing. You are not burying your head in the sand. You are seeking truth…and I will tell you that over the 30 years I have been working with people, the majority of them will bury their heads back into the sand, even after I connect them to their truth. So from my viewpoint, I see you as quite strong…in that way that really matters in life.
And when you are ready to make the decision you will. Trust yourself. You will get there in exactly the right timing. In the meantime, focus on learning and growing within yourself. Instead of focusing so much on what he said, remind yourself of the truth. He feels what he feels because underneath it all, he is terrified to love deeply. So his system will naturally and subtly bring up feelings to cause him to sabotage. You did nothing wrong. This is not your fault or his fault. It’s just a result of the abuse he witnessed growing up. Remind yourself of THAT truth anytime the lies come into your mind about not making him happy and you should have done something different. Those types of stories that your mind is making up comes from your own traumas and are NOT true. What IS true is that you are lovable and worth fighting for, even if he isn’t able to fight for you right now. Your value is not tied to his choices or feelings. Your value is separate than him and everyone else. Stay empowered. DO NOT ever put your value and your worth into someone else’s hands. That is NOT where it belongs!
Heidi
It breaks my heart to hear that you both experienced being abused as you grew up. It’s so so sad that a parent feels so powerless and angry that they feel the need to target an innocent, young child to release their rage and get a power fix. Abuse causes so much damage. It makes a lot more sense about what is happening here and why. The reality is, your guy will NEVER feel safe with anyone until he faces the trauma he carries. Kids who are abused move through life with a part of themselves ALWAYS on guard and never trusting anyone. They don’t even trust themselves on a core level. Love is INCREDIBLY difficult for them. They can feel love, but it’s limited. I hope that you BOTH decide to get help. The baggage that abuse creates is massive and impacts every second of every day of your life. If you find a specialist you like, they can help you put that baggage down and help you say goodbye to it…so you can start living your life more fully.
I think him being unsure about me also has something to do with my lack of strong personality.
I tried too hard to be the perfect girlfriend for him. I guess I should not have.
I also should have given him a chance to invest more in me instead of making everything easier for him. I think this is a karma for me. Because of my past, I wanted to be different this time and be more mature and have a healthy loving relationship, but I took it too far I think.
All of these statements is you trying to figure out what you did wrong that caused him to feel the way he does. This is the type of thinking common with someone who has been abused. You think it’s your fault. That’s what a child thinks when they are abused…they think they did something wrong to cause the abuse, because their mind is not developed enough to think anything different. And that is what you are doing now.
I want to encourage you not to give any of these ideas you have about yourself ANY energy. What is happening is he has feelings inside that would have come up eventually, no matter what you did or did not do. These are feelings he MUST face if he is going to learn how to be a better partner. These feelings exist because he was abused, so instead of pointing the finger at yourself for not being the king of girlfriend that would make him completely happy, point the finger at his father who taught him it was never possible to be happy in the first place. That’s what abuse does…it steals joy and teaches a person that life in general, is not safe. Being happy only exists in small moments and then it will get taken away again. It shatters any ability to feel safe loving…anyone. The 2 people who were supposed to make your world safe and protect you, didn’t do their jobs. The father abused and the mother didn’t stop it. So how in the world is a child supposed to grow up and feel completely open, safe and loving when the core role models in their life taught them to do the complete opposite??? That’s why finding a specialist is something you both should do. Read books, find groups that work with people who have been abused, go to workshops and start to learn how to better navigate your life, your feelings, your fears etc. You both have soooooo many more years ahead of you. I imagine you want to spend them feeling free, happy, loved, safe and strong. You have to fight for that though.
In my mind, if I no longer feel anything for him, it is easier to break up. But I think it is not going to be as easy as I hope it to be. I might just fall more deeply in love with him and wreck my self. think I am still hoping that I can change his mind and that he will understand that I am the one for him and have no uncertain feelings towards me anymore. I understand your strategy. The thing is, it’s not going to work this time around. Breaking up doesn’t mean there isn’t great love between 2 people. Breaking up means that the love that is there, is not enough to keep the couple together. The problem you are going to have to face, is that staying is going to hurt and leaving is going to hurt. Either direction you look, you are going to be hurting. If you stay though…the hurt is just going to continue to grow, other issues are going to come up and cause more harm to the connection and there is no “end” to the hurt. It’s like seeing that you have cut on your arm and not doing anything to help it heal. Each day it is going to get worse and eventually grow into an infection that becomes much more serious. The pain grows. You both have such a beautiful connection. I would hate to see you both hold on for dear life and end up sucking the beauty that exists right now, out of the love you have. I would hate to see either of you end up making choices down the road that cause even greater harm to each other, because neither of you are willing to face the ending. That’s the road you are looking down by staying together. The pressure WILL grow. The discomfort WILL continue. Something is going to happen, at some point, that is going to cause greater hurt than what you feel right now. It’s inevitable. What you are both feeling now is nothing compared to what will happen down the road if you both keep ignoring what is happening.
If you choose to leave and honor that it’s time for him to face his thoughts, it will hurt like crazy. AND…you will heal. The pain will not grow. It will be at its worst in the beginning and then get better as time goes on, instead of the opposite if you stay. If you stay, the pain is less now, but will grow over time. I know you cannot imagine your life without him. I know that feeling. I am here to tell you that you are strong enough to get through this. The strength you will gain from going through this will help you for the rest of your life.
I understand you don’t feel ready yet though. You get to choose. People typically don’t make changes until they are in enough pain. I know I have done that many times where I stay in a situation much longer than I needed to, because I had a very high pain tolerance. It always came at a great cost to me though. But even in those choices I made, I learned, I grew, I healed and I asked for help to do all of that. I found a way to turn my pain into strength and resilience. So no matter what you decide to do and when, you are going to be okay. If you made it through being abused, you can make it through anything in your life! You are stronger than you think.
Heidi
Hi Marisa,
Great question! Let’s talk about this a bit.
I wouldn’t say that he is disconnected exactly. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t, but instead has a lot of fear he is carrying around and that is bigger than his ability to connect to his emotions. Either way, whatever is going on for him, what you DO know is that normal questions he calls “probing” are extremely uncomfortable for him, so that DOES make him emotionally disconnected/unavailable for YOU.
I am the type of person who asks a TON of questions. I LOVE asking questions. It’s a great way to get to know and learn about someone. I am definitely on the high end in my ability to ask a variety of questions. While dating, I found many guys who loved it, many who were uncomfortable, many who shut me out completely and some with a variety of responses. The conclusion I came to a long time ago was that I NEEDED to be with a guy who values, invites and appreciates my skillset in getting to know him…that means he LIKES my questions and even beyond that – he likes me…just as I am. So if I come across a guy who is uncomfortable with my questions, no matter how wonderful I think he is, I KNOW we will never work for me, because it would mean that I would not get to be my full and complete self with him and that doesn’t work for me. I want more.
So your guy is basically telling you that your inquiries are not okay for him….which on a deeper level he is rejecting a part of who you naturally are…which means for you guys to fit, you will have to shrink yourself down and shut off a part of you, so that he can feel “safe” with you. Is that how you want to be with someone? A good match is with someone who inspires your expansion and growth, not shrinking. You cannot change who he is and his reactions. He has something much deeper going on inside, which he has to be willing to face. My guess is, he is not interested in doing something like that, so that means you are going to have to adjust to him if you want to stay with him. There is no right or wrong here – you both just operate differently. Are you willing to stop asking him questions? What does that make you feel like?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Welcome! It sounds like there are a lot of layers happening in your situation. I’m so sorry you are having to face the possible loss of him. Let’s see if we can figure something out.
There are a couple of things that really need to be addressed first.
1. He is not able to forgive you. This is a tough one, because you cannot MAKE someone forgive you. True forgiveness is when someone has ZERO negative feelings about whatever happened. They have fully worked through it and do not have any bad feelings leftover from the event. Although he still chose to move forward with you, he is still holding onto hurt feelings that is keeping him from fully and completely feeling safe with you. There is something happening more deeply in his psyche that he is not aware of, and that makes this situation extremely tough. In general, when people are holding onto hurt, it’s because they are using that hurt to “protect” them from getting hurt again. If they let go of the hurt and open their hearts, then it means they can get hurt all over again, so the hurt they hold onto, acts as protection. They THINK that if they keep a part of their heart unavailable, protected by that hurt, then they will never be hurt like that again. None of that is true of course, and like I said, the majority of people that do this have no clue they are actually doing this. All they know is they still feel hurt and they don’t know how to deal with it and release it. They are dealing with a deeper fear that they are not aware of. Him holding onto this hurt has nothing to do with you anymore. Your actions in the beginning happened to push a button to trigger this kind of long term response from him. He is afraid of loving deeply, he is afraid opening up, he is afraid of love, he is afraid of relationship. My guess is, even though he is new to being in a relationship, he has struggled with relationships in general…friends, family etc….which is how the fear gets established in the first place.
Now, this other girl has come into the picture. This is his system very subtly trying to sabotage. His fear will masterfully manipulate him into believing he wants to experience her. It’s logical, it’s confusing AND he somehow has a story in his head that he won’t have to deal with his lack of trust with you. The thing is, she will hurt him too and so will every other girl he dates. When you love, it is just going to hurt sometimes and having the skillset to heal and release that hurt is ESSENTIAL to staying connected. This is something he MUST learn how to do or he will never be happy with anyone. He will just continue to bury himself in all the hurt, so he has more and more reason to support the belief “I can’t trust anyone.” Hurt can stick like super glue and can be incredibly hard to release.
I know you are not going to like what I have to say next though. He needs to go learn, by experiencing other relationships. Because he hasn’t let go of the hurt, there is a part of him that will never let you in and you can’t make him. It has to be HIS choice. He needs to either do some deeper work and really look at the fear that is controlling his life, or he needs to go have other experiences that will teach him that hurt is normal and just part of the process and he needs to learn how to let it go. It’s a very personal process and something you cannot rush. Many times, when someone lets go of someone they love, the pain and loss they feel just from that experience, has valuable lesson in it.
There also is an aspect where it might be good for him to go live a little regardless. How can he TRULY appreciate what you have given him, if he has never had any other experience? By him going out into the dating world and finding out what it’s like to date, he will quickly learn that what he had with you was quite special. He doesn’t actually know that yet though. He may know it in his mind, but he has no other experience to compare it to, so he will always be limited in his understanding of what you guys have together.
It’s an extremely painful thought of letting him go. He needs to face this though. He needs to face what is in him. He may push it down and try and keep it far away and that may work for some time, but eventually, that feeling will grow and grow and grow and he won’t be able to contain it anymore. This has nothing to do with a LACK of you or you not being enough for him. This has to do with what he carries within himself. He may point the finger at you because trust was broken at the beginning, but the truth is, it’s just an excuse not to love deeply…and that’s on him. Again….HE needs to figure this out on his own. No amount of words can change what he is feeling. He has to go EXPERIENCE it for himself, to truly make any changes.
You deserve to have a guy who is able to fully and completely forgive your humanness. You are going to mess up MANY times in the course of a relationship and you deserve someone who is able to let go and continue to move forward. You deserve someone who is able to love you fully and completely, without holding a part of himself back. Even though you guys have a really wonderful time together and you love each other, imagine what it would actually be like, if he let go of the hurt and he opened his heart to you completely?? Your love for each other would be 10x more powerful. I know you want this. I hope it is with him and it absolutely can be…but you have to let him go. He has a lot of growing up to do when it comes to love.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jacqueline!
Welcome! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are asking this question. It tells me that despite your challenges with your emotions, you reached out for help and you are still keeping your wits about you instead of going off on your guy and causing harm. WELL DONE!!!!
It’s been a few days since your post, so I imagine something more has happened between you guys.
I’m going to talk to you about general guidelines about how to confront your guy, or any person for that matter.
1. SUD (subjective units of distress) Scale: it’s a scale of 0-10. Rate your feelings/emotions. If you are over a 5, DO NOT confront someone. If needed, tell them you need a break and when you are able to talk with more of an open heart, you will reach out. When you rate your feelings over a 5, you are functioning in the lower centers of your brain where there is very little access to critical thinking. Your emotions are dominant and taking control of your everything in this space and your brain will make up all kinds of stories (like he’s embarrassed of me or I’m not enough fun) to fuel the emotions and keep you over a 5. It is NOT the time to confront or share your feelings. Your goal is to get yourself UNDER a 5 where we head more into the higher centers of our brain and have access to critical thinking and problem-solving skills. Emotions are lower and more manageable. This is when it’s a good time to talk to someone about your hurt feelings.
2. My favorite way to approach a situation is what I call the “Investigative Reporter Mindset.” The leading energy of the conversation needs to be curiosity. “WHY…..” is the main type of question to ask. So you could ask things like “You know, I asked you to go tubing with my friends and you said no, yet you went with your friends a few weeks later. It feels quite contradictory to me, so I’m CURIOUS what the difference is. My feelings were hurt, so I’d like to understand how you see the situation. I’m confused.” or “How come you went tubing with your friends, yet you won’t go with me? Something seems off about that and I’d like to understand your thinking about it.”
Once he answers, stay curious and ask another question, then another question. I like to go at least 3 questions deep MINIMUM so I make sure I am getting more of a FULL understanding about what they say. Let HIM tell you what the story is to help contradict the story you MADE UP in your mind that he is embarrassed by you or that you are not enough fun.3. Once you feel you have enough information and understanding, you can begin to problem solve. You might need to let him know how it made you feel. DO NOT use the stories you made up in your mind. Use the FACTS…you felt hurt and confused. One way I like to share my feelings is saying something like “When you do____________this is how it makes me feel________” So you could say, “When you do activities with your friends that are the same activities I have already invited you on, but you said no, I end up feeling confused and hurt. I want to do a lot of different activities with you, but you say no and I respect that. But when you turn around and do them with YOUR friends, I end up feeling like maybe you just don’t want to do these activities with me. And if that’s true, then maybe we should discuss what is really happening here. If that’s not true, then what ARE you willing to do with me??” Does this make sense? The idea here is…NOT blaming him for his choices or how you feel, but letting him know that his choices do affect you. He may try and make it about you trying to keep him from his guy time, but keep him focused. Remind him that it’s NOT about his guy time at all, it’s about him saying NO to activities with you and YES to activities with his friends…and that is confusing to you and makes you wonder what is really happening here. Does he still want to be with you? If yes, you want to have some fun together, so what activities WILL he do with YOU??
Let me know how this approach feels for you.
Heidi
Hi Jennafer,
Thank you for sharing a little more detail.
It sounds like you are moving pretty quickly here. You have only seen the guy 3 different times and you are already making an attempt for some type of commitment from him. MOST guys would not go for that. It’s quite fast. This guy, being that he is coming off of a breakup, tells you pretty clearly he isn’t interested in anything serious and yet you are still chasing him. My guess is, he was just interested in having sex and that’s about it. I’m also guessing he is ignoring you and hoping that you will let go. Being that you already mentioned you prefer to be the only one sleeping with him, he will take that as you trying to get some level of commitment with him, which just tells him that you were not listening to what he said about not wanting to commit to anything right now.
I’m still curious…you barely know this guy and yet it seems you are already trying to figure out ways to have him in your life. How come? Is this a pattern you have of jumping in pretty quickly with a guy?
Heidi
Hi Jaemie,
I can feel your heart breaking. It’s incredibly awful to have to say goodbye to someone you love. You both have a lot of history together. I am so sorry for what you are going through.
I’m not sure what to tell you. I know you want advise about how to get him back, but it sounds like he has really made his choice, not from a place of not wanting to be with you, but because he believes it is the “right” thing to do having a wife and child. Your relationship was full of lying for a couple of years. You couldn’t take it anymore and decided to finally be honest in the only way you knew how. Unfortunately, it did not turn out the way you wanted and that is so painful. It forced him into making a decision. It would have happened at some point. Affairs last only so long before something breaks, so whether it was through your choice or something else happening, it was inevitable. I’m so sorry his choice was not to fight for you, but it tells you about where he stands at the moment.
It’s really important for him to step back into his family and make an effort in a way that makes him feel better about himself. Sometimes, we need to step back into what doesn’t work, to know what we actually REALLY want to fight for. He may end up staying for a long time or he may end up deciding to leave again and come find you. Either way, this needs to be HIS choice and not something you try and convince him of. You deserve more than that. I know you guys have a really powerful connection, but it’s not a connection he is willing to fight for, no matter what. You deserve a guy who CAN”T live without you. You deserve a guy who cannot go a single day without reaching out to you, being with you, planning his life with you…because the love and connection he has with you inspire him to live his life WITH you and not apart from you. The story he has in his mind about the “right” thing to do is bigger than his love and connection with you. When stories like that are sooooo strong, a person NEEDS to work on changing that story within themselves and replacing it with a new story, but that is an internal process and something very personal.
Would you be willing to let him work it out on his own? Trying to “convince” him somehow that you are the better choice does not allow him the space and time to decide that for himself. Don’t you want him to come back to you because he KNOWS that he wants a life with you, no matter what? Even if you somehow you convince him to come back to you, it won’t change any of the guilt or shame he would carry with him for leaving his family. There will be strings attached to his family that will always get in the way. This is why HE needs to cut those strings himself, when he is completely ready….so he can be free to be with you. He may never reach that place or he may reach that place in a few weeks. Who knows. Either way, it’s important that he comes to that choice, all on his own, without you trying to influence him. You are valuable and worth fighting for. Allow for that to happen. Allow him the time and space to figure that out, instead of chasing him to try and make it happen.
In the meantime, it’s time you grieve the loss of him. Let him go and figure out his life. You can allow yourself the space to heal and open the door to love again…whether it’s for him or someone new. And if it’s with him again…it can be new and you guys can start all over again…hopefully from a place of honesty, full commitment and a healthier kind of love that is free to expand in whatever direction it takes.
Heidi
Hi Devon,
Let’s talk about this statement first: If this is seriously the way you do things on here, please stop replying to people because it isn’t helpful or encouraging at all. You’re mean and kind of hateful in the way you reply and I don’t deserve to be beaten when I’m already down. I hear you. I hear that you don’t feel cared about and feel judged and beaten up by me. I hear that you feel that I am calling you toxic and that I am basically saying that you are a bad partner. I am so sorry that’s the impression you have. Sometimes the most difficult part about this forum is that it’s only words and a person doesn’t get to see my face or hear my words or feel the energy of which I am delivering the information so they can have a TRUE understanding of how and what I am saying. I also don’t get to SEE you, feel your reactions, or hear your responses in order to know whether what I am saying is hitting the mark or not. Either way, my form of communication didn’t work with you. Instead of bringing you into deeper truths, which is only what I intended, I put you on the defensive with how I said things and that is my ineffectiveness. I 100% own that. I am deeply sorry that you ended up feeling this way.
Let’s see if I can clear up your perception of me a bit. I actually have zero judgment of you. In my mind, as I was writing everything, I was just seeing you like I do everyone….myself included…wrestling with the side of ourselves that has caused harm and being in suffering because of it. So in my mind, you are just a person who has been hurt and it ended up getting in the way of your love. Lord knows I have done that more times than I can count.
My reference to saying you are toxic was not at all saying that was all that you are. You ARE toxic, as we all can be, given the right circumstances. This statement I made previously was more what I meant to emphasize, but it obviously did not land the way I wanted. I am someone who has worked with and owned the darkness in myself for many years. Part of healing is embracing the toxicity we all carry within ourselves that causes harm to others as well as ourselves. My intention was more to help you connect with that part of you so you can embrace it instead of deny it. When you made this statement: show him I am not the same as I was it’s a statement of denial of the darker side of you…a side of you that will ALWAYS exist in one form or another….AND THAT’S OKAY! It’s normal. It’s human. It will shift and change some as you learn and grow, but there will always be a dark side to you. Please hear me when I say this…EVERYONE is toxic. We ALL have a dark side, low self-esteem, cause harm to others and ourselves…this is not about me pointing the finger at you and judging you…it’s more about shining the light on it and having it be okay, so you can work with it to create healing instead of trying to NOT be that side of yourself. The only way ANY of us can become less toxic, is to own it, look at it, embrace it, work with it and start to release the wounds that helped grow that toxicity.
You are MUCH more than your toxicity and my mistake was not letting you know that I also see the side of you too. You love deeply. You are incredibly passionate and I KNOW your heart is incredibly giant…not just with him, but also with anyone you choose to love. I imagine you are the type of person that once you open your heart to someone, whether a lover, a friend, an animal, a job…you give everything you have…your love is powerful Devon. You deeply care and I see that about you.
You are right in that I was contradicting everything you say, but not in the energy of trying to contradict you…more in the energy of trying to bring other ideas into the situation. The best I can do on this platform is to somehow take words a person is using and interpret them the best I know how and come up with a response. One of my challenges as a Coach, is that I have been studying love, the psyche, human behavior etc. deeply for over 30 years and because of that, I sometimes am not meeting the person where they are at very well. I absolutely can have this tendency to pound some other perspectives into a session and not let someone come up for a breath to absorb any of what I saying, little bits at a time. I will ALWAYS struggle with this. It’s my personality, it’s how I treat myself and while some people love it and appreciate it, others do not and I can cause harm, as I did with you. Again, my apologies Devon. I am doing the best that I can and a harsh truth is….sometimes my best is not good enough.
You weren’t there when we were arguing because there was almost never yelling This statement is confusing for me because you said he said this: He had always told me not to yell at him first thing in the morning because it was just not okay. and then you said: So, obviously, I yelled at him about something on that Wednesday after the 4th of July. If there was almost never any yelling, why would he need to ask you to not yell at him first thing in the morning? With everything you have said so far, my impression is that you yell when you are upset, jealous, angry etc. That is your main way to express your feelings. Like your impression of me, I also had an impression that your communication style, according to what you shared, was yelling and that it happened quite frequently. If you feel like elaborating and explaining this further, then I’m happy to shift my impression.
That being said, the arguments were few and far between until the last couple weeks. We were completely in love and happy 98% of the time. This also seems a bit strange to me. When a relationship is good for 98% of the time, people don’t break up. When there is great love and a few weeks of challenges, people don’t break up over that. From what he said in his message: I cannot be that for you because you want me to give it all up, family, friends, and only leave room for you. I had to leave the way things were going and all your fears suffocated me to no end. So to end my suffering and yours I left. Stop letting fear control you. You can do great things beyond it. These are some pretty deep feelings that he is having and something he has probably felt for a much longer time than just the past few weeks. These statements indicate feelings that have festered and grown over time. He may never have communicated them to you so you had no idea and that wouldn’t be surprising is he grew up being “forced into silence.”
the problem was simply lack of time with him because of his newfound busy schedule and the fact that it made him super tired, super early. This is something you have never mentioned. All you have mentioned up to this point is him being upset with you yelling at him and that you started to get very jealous of his new job because of all the women he was working with. So lack of time is another issue? And it’s only been an issue for 2 weeks?
I try SO hard to NOT be that person that I made it my mission to not get upset with him and, if I did, talk with him calmly. So from your perspective, from 0-100% how much would you say that you talked with him calmly vs. yelling at him? Do you feel he would agree with your percentage?
I’m in counseling, I’m listening to the self-help books, I bought this course to try to get more insight into where I went wrong and many other things in the last three weeks. You are taking some wonderful steps Devon, to figure yourself out, to figure out him and to be the kind of person that you deeply want to be. Again, your heart is BIG and it’s beautiful! It’s a tough road for sure and one that a very small percentage of people would take. I respect you for hopping on the path and being willing to learn and grow.
I’m happy to have Spyce step in and talk with you if you still feel closed off to me. I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I hope you are able to release the hurt and let this go and either move forward continuing to talk with me or work with Spyce instead. You just say the word.
Heidi
Everything you said, I am already taking steps to work on This is great! What are you doing to work on yourself? What steps are you taking?
He’s working where we will be and I feel that I need to just see him and show him I am not the same as I was. You cannot SHOW him anything. All you have are your words through a conversation you have with him. SHOWING him means that he sees you in a stressful situation and you actually treat him differently. Showing him means that you respond to your jealousy in a different way. Showing him means that you don’t yell at him anymore. These are things you can’t do unless you are together. And you don’t actually KNOW for sure you are different long term. The kind of jealousy you carry and the way you communicate your stressful feelings, are patterns that have existed for years and they don’t just go away because you have an awareness about them. Shifting these patterns takes a lot of time, healing and practice. Since he left, you haven’t had to feel that jealousy that takes control over you, to KNOW through and through that you will handle it differently. You probably would do great for a couple of months, but the patterns slowly creep back in and will take over again….guaranteed.
There was always mutual respect and love with so much support I’m going to burst your bubble here. There was not ALWAYS mutual respect and love with support. The moment either of you brings criticism and blame into a yelling match, respect and support DO NOT exist and that is the issue here. A couple that is going to last, is respectful and supportive even when the stress is high. Respect and support exist 100% of the time both towards their partner and within themselves. This is something you guys didn’t have and when that does not exist under ALL the range of emotions, not just the good, a relationship breaks.
I know everything was my own doing This is never true. BOTH people always contribute to an ending. I know he has some things to work on as well. Tell me 3 things he could have done to be a better partner for you?
I’m devastated since he promised he saw years with me. I’m going to burst your bubble again. Anyone making “promises” like that is not grounded in the reality of life. The truth is, there is NEVER a guarantee of continued love. I have no doubt that he meant it at the moment, but that’s as long as it’s good for. For love to last, it takes work, commitment, growth, self-love and sooooo many more aspects….and even WITH all those things, there still is no guarantee. Life happens all the time, people change in ways they never see coming and no matter how much love exists, a relationship will still break. Love is risk…all the time. And because of that, promises to love forever and always be there are simply promises that are beautiful in the moment, but not a guarantee of anything beyond that moment.
I know this message may feel a bit tough for you. If you are going to move forward, whether with him or someone else, it’s important to understand how to get yourself grounded in the truth, learn about the qualities needed to build a successful relationship and deeply look at and work with the areas in yourself where you are not able to support those qualities.
He’s working where we will be and I feel that I need to just see him With the place you are in right now, I imagine you won’t be able to resist seeing him. So let’s assume you don’t have the control to not see. The only thing I would suggest is…SHOW him you are different by actually respecting his choice. Your constant yelling at him taught him that whatever he was doing that made you unhappy, meant your emotional vomiting all over him. So…since you think you are not the same person, then SHOW him you respect his choice and do something he is not expecting. Thank him for his choice. Because honestly, he gave you the greatest gift on the planet. Him leaving is waking you up to how destructive your energy and words can be in a relationship. He got your attention, since his own words of asking you to stop, wasn’t enough. You can say something of this nature….but only if it’s true for you. Since he specifically said: all your fears suffocated me to no end you want to address that and acknowledge it. You can say something like “Listen…I know this may seem strange to hear, but I just want you to know that even though I am deeply hurting by your choice to leave, I am seeing the gift in it as well. I really am seeing how destructive I was and how much it harmed you. You are right. I am fearful and that fear is so big, my reaction was to try and control it…and try to control you…and that broke us. I really see more clearly how much my fears limit me. You didn’t deserve to have all my insecurities dumped into your lap. That is not the kind of partner I want to be anymore. I have a lot of work to do. I am doing_____________________to start to dig into my reactions and I am learning_________________________to help me manage my emotions better. Whether we ever come back together or not, I have you to thank for helping me become a better person. It’s obviously not how I wanted to learn this lesson, but apparently it’s the wake-up call that I needed. So I just wanted you to know….thank you.”
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Jennafar,
Welcome! It sounds like you are quite confused, so let’s see if there is more we can figure out.
how do I know if he’s just being silent & not responding, or if he’s blocked my number and isn’t getting the texts at all I don’t know. There may be some technological way to be able to tell, but that is not in my wheelhouse. Otherwise, there is no way to know.
I’m a little confused. Did you and this guy date for a while? Or is he someone you have a crush on and you are trying to get his attention?
Let’s assume he IS getting your texts. It would be pretty clear that he is not interested in connecting with you the way you want, so I would suggest to let the idea of him go and let your heart heal. The odds of him NOT getting all the texts you have sent, are pretty slim. Do you know anyone that knows him? Maybe someone can find out for you? Are you going to be running into him at all?
Here is a truth you may not like. When a guy really wants to get to know a girl, he will make the effort. So even if he isn’t getting your text messages, he still isn’t reaching out to you and initiating any kind of connection. I don’t know your situation with him, as you shared very little detail, but from the little you did share, it doesn’t appear that he is interested. There is nothing anybody can do to MAKE someone like them. Attraction is there, or it’s not. Sometimes it can change over time, but that is something we just don’t have control over.
Tell me why you are trying to get this guy’s attention.
Heidi
Hi Devon,
I’m so so sorry for the heartbreak you are having to manage right now. It’s the kind of heartbreak that takes your breath away and completely disorients your entire world. It’s incredibly tough. My heart goes out to you.
Let’s talk about a few things here and see if we can figure something out:
Meanwhile, the arguments got bigger and one day, we almost got physical. He took a step too close to me and I clenched my fist and took a step too. He had met his match.. but I stopped myself because I knew what he had been through but, it was too late. This is quite scary Devon. You guys were escalating to the point of potential physical abuse. You stopped yourself because you knew what he had been through, but beyond that, is that really the kind of person you want to be? You want to allow yourself to get so angry to the point that you are ready to punch your “best friend” “the love of your life” “your everything???” You obviously cannot control him, but you can learn about yourself. If you are EVER getting to that point, it means your anger and hurt are building up and you are reaching your limit. The idea is, to NOT reach that limit. The idea is, to work with your feelings ON YOUR OWN instead of burying them or blaming him for how you feel. Your emotional management is YOUR 100% responsibility. It’s important and crucial for you to know that you are capable of physical abuse (as we all are), so now you can work on NEVER letting yourself get to that point again. It’s not okay and is scary for anyone who is facing you….and hopefully scary for you as well knowing what you were ready to do.
He had always told me not to yell at him first thing in the morning because it was just not okay. So, obviously, I yelled at him about something on that Wednesday after the 4th of July. He got his paycheck that day, lied to me about it, and the next day, bought a ticket out of NY and down to his new job in Disney. The next day, he called me dear again and I had it. I flipped out and said my peace and was fine. He wasn’t. It sounds like with the arguments, yelling was a common way that you guys communicated with each other. I’m wondering if you were role modeled this type of communication in your own home while growing up. Yelling is a symptom of feeling not heard or seen and it only gets worse the longer we ignore our feelings. Yelling can also be a symptom of blaming the other person for how you are feeling. This is NEVER true. Whatever you feel, it is 100% because of your very unique and specific filter that has been created throughout your life. For example, you have a tendency to be jealous. Why? Where are these insecurities coming from? They don’t come from him…so where did you learn that you have to compete with other women? Where did you learn that you are not valuable and worth knowing and caring for, even in the presence of other women whom you identify as your competition? Jealousy is destructive through and through. It’s not HIS job to help you feel secure…that is 100% your job. As he said, you live with a lot of fear….the amount of fear you live with is directly related to how much you try and control a situation. Fear and control go hand in hand with everyone. I’m wondering if you function under the mindset that he somehow is responsible for how you feel and kept putting all your feelings on him so he could make you feel better. If this is true, it is a mindset that will destroy ANY relationship, no matter how much love exists between 2 people. A healthy mindset is someone who takes 100% responsibility for their own feelings and reactions, NEVER blames and in taking ownership of their feelings, they work with them and communicate them in a respectful way to their partner.
How do I show him nothing was ever intended and that I’m not the toxic person I had become? Of course you never purposefully and intentionally want to cause him harm, but it doesn’t change that you did. You ARE that toxic person. You say you aren’t that toxic person….well then, who was that toxic person then? It’s important for you to truly accept and embrace ALL parts of you. You ARE toxic, as we all can be, given the right circumstances. When you actually own and realize what you are capable of, it finally allows you to have a wake-up call about how you can be destructive AND to hopefully learn healthier ways to work with that part of yourself. Toxic energy comes from many, many moments in our lives where we were hurt, betrayed etc. and we never really released those emotions…instead we buried them. Although we may not feel those emotions consciously, they can easily be triggered by current situations. So this toxic side of yourself is letting you know that you have A LOT of baggage that you have never really worked through. And all that means is that if you don’t start to look at it, work with it, release it…you will ALWAYS sabotage connection. The baggage we all carry around acts as walls and limitations to connection and love.
With all of this being said, I want to make sure that you understand this is all quite normal. We all function this way in various ways…including your guy. For him to leave the way he did without talking to you about it, shows how afraid he is as well….it exposes his own baggage. Either way, I know you won’t like hearing this, but he is right to step away. It sounds like you guys were getting out of control, not being respectful and honoring to each other and causing more damage and harm than good. Whenever it feels like that for a person, it’s time to exit, no matter how much love is there.
I know you want him back. I don’t know if that is possible, but the only way you will ever be able to get him back, is to really look at your side of things. It’s time for you to learn how to work with your emotions, how to communicate differently when you are angry, hurt or fearful, face your tendency to be jealous and learn different ways to manage your stress. He will not want to step into the same relationship that he left…as he shouldn’t and nor should you. The best you can do is actually be proactive and start to learn about yourself.
Are you willing to see a therapist or coach and get some help? Are you willing to start to read books and maybe take some classes? Are you willing to get to know that toxic side of yourself that sabotages love?
Heidi
Hi Yashu,
Welcome. It sounds like you are heartbroken. How long were you dating?
I know it’s incredibly tough to watch someone you feel connected to, move on and build a life with someone new. It’s heartbreaking. It sounds like he disconnected because of something you did. I imagine you already apologized, yes?
I’m so sorry to say this, but typically when another woman has captured a guy’s attention and he is moving on, getting his attention can be incredibly difficult. He is going to know that you are trying to pull him back and it doesn’t sound like he is interested in that. It might be time for you to accept that vs. trying to get him back, which will only keep you in hurt and suffering. If he hasn’t even opened your message, I would say that is a pretty clear sign he is not interested in connecting at all. Being that you have a tendency to be pushy, it’s best you don’t use that same energy to try and get him back. Being pushy is an energy that is all about YOU and not him. It’s more about what YOU want vs. listening and respecting what HE wants as well. His feelings and what he wants matters too, so trying to pull him back to you by being pushy, is NOT a respectful or honoring way to get his attention again. Give him space. Let him have this new experience and let it all happen the way it is supposed to vs. you trying to control the outcome.
Don’t you want a guy who is inspired by you? Don’t you want a guy who WANTS to be with you vs. you having to convince him somehow to be with you? Whatever caused you guys to break up, happened for a reason. Maybe you guys are not the BEST fit. Maybe there is a different guy who is able to be more patient and forgiving? You will love again Yashu. Give it some time. Let this guy go, heal your heart and then open the door to a new experience. Who knows…maybe this guy will come back around again down the road and you guys can give it another go.
If you haven’t apologized for whatever you did, then writing him a letter could be a nice gesture. Do it for yourself though and not for him. Say what you need to say, send the letter and then let him go. Whatever he does with the letter is up to HIM. DO NOT expect a response. Write the letter because you want to clear the bad energy from your side. Write the letter for YOU to feel complete and like you did everything you could to create resolution. But again, do not expect a response. Send the letter and then let the whole thing go.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m still confused. Do you date for 1 year or are you just friends for 1 year before starting to date? When you date someone, is there kissing? Holding hands? Flirting?
Would you be willing to let go of the the 1 year mark? Would you be willing to let your intuition guide you instead of a set time? I imagine you are quite afraid of letting someone into your life and that you have a lot of walls, yes?
Heidi
I get to know them for a year before I get into a relationship. I’m wondering why you are choosing to wait a year. To be honest, I don’t know anyone who would be willing to wait around for a year. That’s an incredibly long time to wait for someone to commit to you. Many people start exchanging “I love you’s” around the 4-6 month mark and many people will tend to commit to each other around that time as well. I understand you are cautious and want to be very discerning. Is there something you are afraid of that makes you want to wait for long? I imagine your health challenges might cause you to be extra cautious, yes?
I understand you are hanging out with them and observing them in various situations, but are you intimate with them at all while you are dating? Hand holding? Flirting? Or do you keep it strictly platonic and only focus on developing the friendship for the first year?
I love everything you are paying attention to! Great stuff! If you understand that what makes or breaks a relationship, is how a couple treats each other in their worst moments, then you know what to look for, first and foremost. How a person treats you, themselves, others while under high stress is CRUCIAL to understand. The problem is, when you first start getting to know someone, you typically don’t see their stress response…that can take time.
There are ways to get a small, tiny look though. I find that I am able to gather quite a bit of information by asking very specific questions. Here are some examples: What are you like when you get really angry? Or really hurt? What was your reputation in high school? What’s the worst thing you have ever done to someone else? Tell me about your biggest heart break. What happened? What did you do? Tell me about a really hard moment in your life. What happened? What did you do?
These types of questions where you ask them how they handled stressful situations, can give you a lot of information. I watch to see if they still have any emotions around the situations, are they open to talk about it, do they appear to feel resolved, how did they handle the stress etc. I pay special attention to how they said they handled the stress. Many times people lie or make themselves look better than what they really are…or even sometimes they believe they are one way when in actuality they are not. If I choose to continue getting to know them, I also continue to ask various questions to keep drawing out more and more stories to see if what they share, is continuous throughout their stories or does it change a lot. Does this make sense?
Also, another way to see how they respond to stress is to use your health issues as a test, so to speak. There was a guy I was really starting to like (we were dating about 3 months at this point), but I wanted to really test his stress response before moving forward, so this is what I did: He showed up on time to pick me up, but instead I ran 20 minutes late, so he had to wait. We started driving to the restaurant and I claimed I had left my curling iron on and I had to go back and unplug it. By the time we got to the restaurant, our reservation has expired, so we had to go find another place to eat. While there, I spilled my water all over him. I wanted to see what he was like when things didn’t go smoothly for him. I learned A LOT about him, enough for me to know I wasn’t interested in dating anymore. So you can use your health issues in the same way. Any guy who is going to be able to sustain with you, is going to have to accept and work with your health challenges, yes? So let your health challenges get in the way of something, like a date or intimacy or having to leave an event early etc. This is a great way to get a small idea about what a guy will respond like under stress.
Does this make sense for you?
Also, I want to invite you into creating a list…I call it the non-negotiable list. It’s a list of qualities REQUIRED if you are going to feel nourished in a relationship. If these qualities do not exist, no matter how great the guy is, it won’t matter…it’s not going to work. This list is NON-NEGOTIABLE…always and forever.
For example, I cannot survive in a relationship without romance. My guy HAS TO BE romantic with me and ENJOY being romantic with me, if we are ever going to last. I KNOW that my should will slowly wither away and die without romance. It is and always has been a non-negotiable. My guy HAS TO be active. I am an athlete and very active, so I need a guy who loves to go on hikes, ride bikes, lift weights etc. and he enjoys spending his time that way. It’s how I play in my life, so a guy who is not connected to his body in that way…we would NEVER work long term.
Let me be clear though…this is not a list about what you want….it’s a list about what you cannot live without. There is a big difference.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
