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Thank you for sharing your letter!
I have a few suggestions, so let’s walk through it and see how you feel about my thoughts.
It is lengthy. I know you feel you have a lot to say, but in most of the paragraphs, you are saying something similar, just in a slightly different way. You want him to stay engaged in what you are saying and men typically operate as “less is more.” Just something to think about.
The letter comes across as incredibly loving and also has a few “digs” in it, that change the feeling of the letter. For example, you talk about how amazing he has been in your life, then the energy switches when you say this: It was also never my intention to take you from family or friends or anything like that. I wanted to be involved in all of that WITH you. That’s where your understanding of me faltered. So much for “rock solid.” This statement is basically pointing the finger at him for him misunderstanding you and you trying to defend/explain your behavior. The “so much for rock solid” gives off this feeling of sarcasm. It’s not directly sarcastic, but it has a flavor to it…it’s not a sentence that would leave him feeling good about what you are saying. Here is the other example where the energy of the paragraph is a bit contradictory: I love you with all of me still even though I know the truth and I know what you took from us here (I would like those back please). I know that I keep playing our last encounter over and over again trying to make sense of everything. I still hope to hear from you. I don’t believe I really deserved this… I know you left some details out, so I don’t understand what exactly the “truth” is that you are referring to, but to say “I love you with all my heart even though I know the truth” is a bit of a mixed message. I understand what you are trying to say…that you love him unconditionally, but to tell someone you love them unconditionally while pointing out something they did “wrong” can cause more of a defensive feeling on their part. So you want to just say I love you…and leave it at that. Do not pair it with anything that would be negative. If you want to request for something back, just leave it as a separate statement. In the beginning, you start with more business type of stuff, so that might be a good place to put your request, as well as the other stuff where you talk about changing his address. Put all of that stuff together and THEN lead into your feelings.
Lastly, each paragraph you talk about how much he has taught you, how much you have changed, you much you love him and how much you miss him and then the very last sentence you say “I don’t believe I really deserve this…” That sentence basically will negate everything you said before. That sentence is saying to him that you believe he is wrong in his decision. It carries a flavor of anger and it’s basically saying, in a very indirect way, that how you feel is right and how he feels is wrong. It’s a statement that causes separation. None of this is about “deserving.” What is happening here is that he has a story, feelings and experiences of you that feel right TO HIM. It doesn’t matter if you agree with his choice. What matters is that he feels validated, respected and listened to by you and saying “I don’t deserve this” doesn’t send that message to him. It’s telling him that he is wrong.
In summary, I would shorten the letter to a few short paragraphs. The first paragraph, go over the business stuff. The following paragraphs, share your feelings. I would stay away from the energy of trying to “convince” him that you have changed. Convincing has a flavor of “begging” and most guys are not interested in engaging in that kind of energy.
Here is how simple and clear you make this:
Scott, I want to thank you. Not only for being the most amazing and important person ever to have crossed my path but also for the hard lesson I had to learn in losing you. I didn’t see my anger for many years. It had been building since I was abandoned by my ex husband and I didn’t realize it. I’m truly sorry for the way I acted and for being so rude in the mornings. That is not the kind of person I want to be anymore and I’m working with my therapist on letting go of my past hurts that I realize now, I pinned on you. Here you apologize, own your behavior and then share the ACTION you are taking to improve.
I’m truly grateful to have been given the chance to love you so deeply. I know what it’s like to love completely unconditionally now and that, I must say, is new. I have a new respect for you as well as the peace you have found in you. You inspire me to be better, as I am working towards that inner peace now. Here is just you reiterating how much you love him and what you are working towards – again…action oriented (guy language).
I hope so much that you are happy and well. Please know how truly missed you are here. We all love you so much, even now, and the girls say told me to say hi and they miss you. If you ever feel like you want to talk, reach out anytime. I truly wish to respect your choice, so I will no longer be reaching out. This is a good closing statement.
This letter stays focused on 1 thing….HIM – how he impacted you, how sorry you are, how you are working to become better and that you love him. I want to encourage you to not go into all your pain and how much you miss him. It’s counterproductive to you wanting to let him know how much you love him. You want him to feel GOOD while reading the letter and NOT read about how much pain you are in and how empty you feel (that turns that focus from him onto you and your pain).
These are my thoughts. If there is anything you don’t understand about what I said, feel free to ask for clarification.
I hope this helps!
Heidi
You really have done everything you can. He is obviously very clear about his choice for right now. Like I said before, show him that you know how to respect his choice, even if you don’t like it. That builds trust, even though you aren’t together. You never know…you respecting his choice and not trying to push him to talk to you, may end up bringing him back to you after all. I hope that is what happens for you.
What do you feel like you will say in the note?
Heidi
That’s great! I love that you are less available and staying busy. It sounds like he is responding a little more to that approach.
I just want to warn you though….this approach will only work for so long. It’s very possible that if he starts to connect more and you start to respond and you both start to get close again, he may run. Whatever caused him to put his walls up in the first place has NOT changed. It’s still there. So just know that if you decide to let him into your life little by little, the end result may be exactly what it was the last time. Maybe not. Who knows. But just be aware and protective of your heart. What he did was uncaring and inauthentic. He bailed on you without an honest conversation and let you hanging, completely confused. He can absolutely do it again, so just know what you are stepping into, if you decide to keep moving forward with him.
Heidi
Hi Jacqueline,
Welcome! It sounds like there are a lot of layers happening in your situation. I can tell that you deeply care about him and only want to be close and happy.
I am so disappointed in myself for working so hard to become an important part of his life just to put us right back to square one. How do I fix this? I really want to encourage a different kind of mindset. I obviously do not know the details, but what I can tell from how you described things, is it seems like you are taking all the responsibility for what has happened. You are the one who pushed him away, you are the one who messed up, you are the one who did all this work to build intimacy. What about him? Is he involved at all? Do you give him credit for anything that has happened? What has HE done to learn how to be a better partner? What has HE done to help build intimacy? From what it sounds like, he is not emotionally available for you. It sounds like he is still dealing with his past and a lot of it has not resolved for him, so that, in and of itself, makes him not really available for you in the way that you want. Of course he is going to build you up and then his heart will shut off because he doesn’t trust love – and he will push you away. That has nothing to do with you. Any woman trying to access his heart would fail 100x over because his heart is wounded – and HE is the only one who can fix it.
So what that your insecurities came out! So what that you showed your emotions and asked for a break. You are just being human and messy and you said something you didn’t mean to say, but he agreed. I think, at the very least, this shows you how much he is NOT invested…not because of you, but because of the baggage he is carrying around from his divorce. I know you regret that moment, but in my mind, I see it as a moment where truth was exposed. He is not available nor invested in you to the level that you are to him….which just means that your relationship was going to break regardless. Even if you could take that moment back, something else would have happened down the road, because at the very foundation of this connection, is a man who is unavailable.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want to hear how to fix this, but what you are sharing, is NOT fixable by you. It’s not about you doing or saying the “right” thing. The core, root problem here lives within HIM not being ready to open his heart again. He truly needs to complete the process of his divorce and be single for a while and figure out who he is as a single guy again. That takes a lot of time. Divorce requires a lot of time to heal. It’s a major contract that has been broken and it impacts a person’s ability to be open to love again on such deep levels.
In a healthy relationship, BOTH people are allowed to be messy and insecure, because BOTH people are invested and supportive and forgiving. You worked INCREDIBLY hard to do everything “right” and it worked for a while, but what you were doing was just putting a bandaid over something that needs surgery. It was only a temporary fix. These techniques are not meant, nor designed to fix or heal deeper wounds that a person carries around. No technique has that kind of power.
I’m so sorry Jacqueline. I wish there were some super magic words that could open his heart to you. I know it hurts to see him slip through your fingers.
Would you be willing to give him space and maybe look at your own feelings? You picked a guy who is emotionally unavailable and has been playing the hot and cold game with you, yet you keep chasing him. Maybe take a look at your standards and how you are allowing yourself to be treated. Do you believe it’s possible to be with a guy who fights for you? Do you believe it’s possible for it to be okay that you are insecure and emotional and a guy will work through it WITH you? Do you believe it’s possible for a guy to feel so strongly for you that he cannot go a single day without connecting with you?
Heidi
Hi Devon,
Any word yet? I think you have done the best you can. The ball is in his court now and you just have to wait. I’m so sorry this isn’t turning out the way you want. As you continue to work on yourself, you will find healing and maybe even in that process, he will reach out.
Heidi
It sounds like you are getting what you want from him again. I know how good that feels. I hope it continues! I know how important he is to you.
Heidi
Yes it helps a lot. I trust myself. I trust the higher Power who knows everything and is supporting me through life every moment of every day. Beautiful! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this!
I have disconnected with him now. It feels strange and empty. How did you disconnect? I know it feels strange and empty. That’s very normal. There is a hole where he once lived. That hole is what most people try and run from. You are being incredibly courageous by stepping into that feeling and working with it. Your Higher Power will fill that space up. Your self love will fill that space up.
One thing that has helped me in the past is to journal or talk into a recorder. Whenever feelings of missing him or being angry or feeling confused….whatever shows up, write it down or say it out loud….to him. Say to him what you wish you could say….and then release it. Meaning…let the words and feeling flow OUT of you, instead of feeling them in private or keeping them inside. LET IT OUT! It gives those feelings much less energy. I have written sooooo many letters to my exes. When I felt complete…I burned them all. I have kept recorders in my car so I could scream and yell at my ex. Talk to your friends and family as long as it is safe to do so. Dance how you feel. That is also a great way to move the emotions and not let them get stuck. Dance angry, dance hurt, dance longing, dance freedom….find the songs that support what you are feeling and move your body…and dance for all of us who have felt all of those same feelings!
I have many more ideas, so let me know if you want them. Bottom line is, have a plan about how to deal with the emptiness that is going to grow before it shrinks again. Support yourself as you start to develop a new mindset and let go of someone you loved very deeply.
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for sharing all of this! It’s really helpful. You sure have been through a lot. Good for you for being willing to step back out there again and open your heart to having new experiences.
Please give me some concrete advice of what to do to get into a loving comitted relationship This is a bit of a layered and tough question, as there really is no “concrete” advice except this…live and breathe your standards. All the info you posted here are things that look good on paper, but that’s about as far as any of it goes. A loving, committed relationship begins within yourself. When you love yourself, treat yourself with respect, and are committed to taking care of your heart, then how you treat yourself becomes the gold standard for ANYONE who wants to be a deeper part of your life.
Imagine this…you are the CEO of a very valuable, important company….your heart. As the CEO, it’s your job to make sure that anyone applying to interact with your heart, has the qualities, skillsets, abilities and interest to take care of your company in the same way you do. So dating, is like the interview process. A resume may look amazing, but the hiring process is layered. You want to know what they are like in ACTION. Does their resume live up to who they actually are in person? And if you decide to hire them, it doesn’t mean they get instant access to the top their of your company. They start at the bottom and work their way up. They build trust, they show through their actions and words that they support the health and wellbeing of your company. It takes time, it takes them making mistakes and owning up to them, it takes consistency to show they can be relied upon, it takes them showing you that they have integrity in their word…and many more things BEFORE they get access to the top teir of your company. This is how you set the foundation to a loving committed relationship. It’s not about “them” it’s about BOTH of you together – the kind of team you make – how you both treat each other during the worst moments – how you both show up for each other during tough times…and much more. But it all start with YOU and your standards as to how you are treated. You are the one who sets the tone.
An old crush came back into my life back in April. He is an AMAZING guy! Intelligent, attractive, well-spoken, incredibly respectful and a really good person. I was falling for him again, BUT…I have standards. The more we talked, I noticed a pattern where when we talked, many times 2-3 hours at a time, it was mostly about him. He might ask me a question or 2 throughout the conversation, but mostly I was inserting my opinions and thoughts, not really being invited into the conversation by him. When I shared more personal stories, he never had a question, opinion, or comment beyond “Wow…that sounds amazing” and then he would move on to the next subject. I decided to disengage. No matter how great this guy is, his level of curiosity about me as a person, was not very high. I spent hours asking him question after question and commenting on his stories and life, yet he didn’t reciprocate. This is what I mean by living and breathing your standards. I am VERY clear about what I require if I am going to feel vibrant, nourished, seen, appreciated and valued in a relationship. So instead of asking for “concrete advice of what to do to get into a loving comitted relationship” I want to invite you into getting VERY clear about your non-negotiables and dating from that mindset…never settling. The right fit will fall into place naturally. You won’t need to “do” “say” or “be” anything other than who you are.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
I LOVE that you are finding peace and solace in the divine. There is no better place is there? So have you released him? How are you doing? What feelings are coming up?
Trusting another person is also going to be very difficult. Let’s talk about this a bit. I’d like to offer you a different perspective on trust. Trust begins within yourself. That is the foundation. So instead of saying “It will be difficult to trusting another person” – which is relying on someone else to behave in a certain way in order for you to feel safe and open – which there IS some truth to that, but more importantly is activating self-trust which says “I trust that no matter what happens, no matter how anyone behaves, no matter what someone says or doesn’t say, I will be okay. I trust in my resilience. I trust in my skillset to handle stress. I trust I can handle whatever challenges show up.” Do you understand and feel the difference?
Moving through life LEADING with self-trust, allows you to take risks again. Love is risky and there is no way around it. But when you have self-trust, you can move forward when you are inspired and trust that no matter how he shows up, you know how to support yourself and handle it in a healthy way.
Does this help?
Heidi
I am so sorry you have to go through this Devon. It’s so hard. But you are a strong soul and you can do this! This is important for you and there are many gifts here for you once you fully step into what is happening instead of resisting it.
He loves me perfectly and I would give anything to make things right with him. I love that you got to feel this with him. It really is beautiful!
I still want to bring you back to reality though. You have lost him for right now. I know you would do anything to get him back. Right now, that “anything” is accepting his choice. Right now, respecting his boundaries and being in acceptance that he is not saying yes to you, is the best thing you can do for both of you. Face your fears, the pain and the loss of him. The more you keep holding onto the idea and potential of being together and rejecting what is happening RIGHT NOW, the more suffering you will create for yourself.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want some magic words to try and fix everything so you have him back. The truest and most powerful magic in this whole situation, is the growth and expansion you could receive once you let go of control in trying to get what you want, and instead embrace what is. Discover new parts of yourself, develop your resilience, start to heal your many hurts and strengthen your self-love. Those are the greatest gifts that can come from facing loss.
Heidi
You are incredibly strong to embrace the truth about what is happening here. I am really impressed!
How long do you think I should wait for him? You do not wait. The sooner you accept what is happening and decide to let the idea of a relationship with him go, the sooner you can start your healing process and open your heart again.
How will I know if he has given up on our relationship completely? You already DO know. You said that he said this to you: When I called him, he picked up my call and told me that it was better if we now interacted only as friends and not as lovers. I would say that is pretty clear, and his actions are supporting this. What else do you need him to say to you for you to really get that he is not moving forward in a relationship with you?
Of course he still wants to stay friends and reach out to you, because he still loves you and doesn’t want to lose you completely. The thing is, that is not healthy either. How are either of you supposed to move on if you are still feeding the connection? It’s not possible. So he is trying to hold onto his belief system AND you at the same time and that is not okay. All it does is keep you tied to him, AS A FRIEND, he gets to still be nourished by your energy all the while you will just constantly feel rejected and reminded that your love is not going to be fought for. It’s like he is trying to keep 1 final string attached and call that friendship. When he is lonely, miserable, missing you…all he has to do is call you to get his fix. This way, he doesn’t actually have to face the FULL pain and loss of losing you completely. He still has access to you. I don’t blame him at all, but I want to encourage you to completely disconnect. He needs to feel and process the FULL pain, hurt and loss of you in his life so he can fully invest in the choice he has made. You need to also process the full loss of him, so you can move on. I wish there were a way around this, but it simply is just not possible to be friends after a breakup, until healing has taken place for BOTH people. I have become friends with my exes many times…after about a year has gone by. I know I am completely healed when I can imagine running into them and they are with another girl, holding hands, kissing and looking happy – and I am totally okay with it – no hurt, no sadness, no bad feelings. Once I get to that place, I am open to friendship.
I know this is incredibly difficult to think about and choose. When you are in enough pain and tired of feeling the rejection of him choosing his family over you and not fighting for this love…you will be ready to disconnect completely. Hopefully you will get to that place sooner than later.
Heidi
I sent over a message to James a few days ago, so if he is available, he will respond.
My soul needs to be near his soul now that I know he exists. Oh man. I know this feeling so well! From what it sounds like, he might be your “twin flame.” I’ve done a lot of research on this topic and there are a lot of different opinions about the twin flame. Basically, it’s your other half. Meaning, before you came into this body, your soul split into 2 and came to earth. So when you eventually find each other, there is a “fit” like no other. And when separation happens, it is PAINFUL. It leaves a whole that is like no other. My last boyfriend felt like that to me. We were only together for 10 months and when we separated, it was super healthy, appropriate and time to go our separate ways. But holy smokes, that separation was like no other I have ever felt in my life. I had broken up and said goodbye to love a handful of times before him, and I had the very natural breakup blues and healing process. After this guy, I was so depressed, I could hardly eat, I cried every day, I felt so “off” and I couldn’t find my ground. This was NOT the normal me and it was confusing. It was a healthy breakup, I knew from day 1 we were never going to last and there was nothing negative or bad between us, so I didn’t understand my reaction. That’s when I came across the “twin flame” concept and all of a sudden it all made sense to me. The thing about twin flames though…many times, it’s not a relationship that is meant to last. Some do, but many don’t. Many times, the purpose of a twin flame experience is about quantum level kind of growth. Interacting with your twin flame can generate growth far beyond what any other relationship can bring you…and that’s the purpose. It’s a deep, deep connection, so it opens the heart in a very special way, but it’s not specifically designed to last forever. When it does end, man it’s tough. I will tell you though, you can feel like yourself again. it’s a journey, but a great gift, because what happens is you learn how to connect back to your “self” again except you are much stronger. Going through that breakup for me, taught me that I CAN heal. It strengthened me internally in ways that nothing else could have. It gave me pieces of myself that I would not trade for the world. I became relentlessly committed to healing from that loss and the result was me becoming much stronger, more wise and more confident in my abilities to handle the curve balls that life throws out – the greatest gift he could have ever given me. Of course in the moment, I couldn’t see that, but now…it’s so clear to me. That’s what is available for you. Releasing and letting him go will bring you many things…and in that letting go, it doesn’t mean the door is closed to him. It just means you are choosing your healing. If he decides to reconnect and open up to you again, you get to choose if you want to have that experience with him again. But if not, you will still be moving forward, so no matter what happens, the choice to heal and release the hurt and loss, will only benefit you. The more you hold tight to what your heart desires, the longer you will stay in suffering.
Here’s the thing Devon. One of the greatest skills and choices you can make for yourself, is accepting what is happening in the moment instead of fighting against it and trying to change what is. Acceptance DOES NOT mean that you still can’t eventually have your heart’s desire. Acceptance just means, you are finding peace in the middle of hurt. The peace exists because you are going with the flow. The peace exists because you are accepting the present situation and trusting that it’s all going to work out exactly as it is meant to…for your greatest good. Your greatest good may mean that he comes back to you and you get to experience him again. Your greatest good might mean that you end up healing and connecting with another man and have a wonderful experience with him. Your greatest good might mean that you end up healing and staying alone for a while and find peace and contentment on that path. We are powerless to force any specific path to our desire. Life happens FOR us, not necessarily in the fashion we believe we want. What we want, sometimes aligns with what happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Either way, life is so much easier when we stop resisting, find acceptance and deal with the hurt that comes…and trust that every single moment is perfect and exactly what our soul needs for growth and expansion. So my hope for you is that you work more towards the space of peace and acceptance and trust in your path and what shows up for you. Many times, life surprises us and gifts us back exactly what worked to let go of! You just never know….life truly is a mystery and sometimes it’s super fun and amazing and sometimes, it knocks the breath out of us and takes us to our knees to teach us about resilience, trust, inner strength and letting go of control.
Heidi
I’m not blind to them, but I guess I’m willing to work with them because I understand them. I love that you understand them! The thing is, there is nothing to work with here because he is not doing the work. He is frozen by his fear and there is nothing you can do about that. If he were to get things moving and finally face what he is so afraid of, then great! But until then, it’s your job to accept him 100% where he is at and not wait for him to be different.
Yes he has fears and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but they do not define him, just like mine don’t define me. Underneath the fear is one of the most kind hearted people I have ever met. As much as these coping mechanisms don’t define the whole of who we are, it doesn’t change that our coping mechanisms sabotage connection. Yes, he is a wonderful person and has a TON of great qualities for sure AND…he also has a lot of fear, is emotionally fragile and unavailable and it’s running his life. So…his fear is bigger than his greatness and will always win out until he actually gets some help facing it.
I’m just wondering if it’s stupid of me to have hope in and wait for that to happen. Like if he did get help and emotionally healthy, does he care for me enough try a relationship? Who knows. Therapy and deep diving into our limitations is scary, difficult and takes us down paths that we never thought we would be on. This is a question that no one can answer, not even him. If he actually does the work, he will change, but what he changes into, who knows. That is why waiting for him is not the healthiest choice for you.
Currently there are no other men in my life that are as good as him. So, I’m waiting regardless, why can’t it be for him? Is that crazy? Look at it this way. You want to fall in love and have a healthy, nourishing, vibrant connection, right? First, I want to say that he is the FIRST guy who has ever made you feel respected and cared for. I’m here to tell you that in all of my years of dating, I have felt that way MANY MANY times, because I REQUIRE that. You don’t actually KNOW that you really like this guy BECAUSE of how he treats you and makes you feel, or because you actually really like him because of who HE is. For example, let’s say MANY of the guys you dated over the years, always treated you with respect, care and were authentic about their feelings for you. Then this guy comes along and treats you the same way…with respect and with care. He wouldn’t stand out so much because you are used to be treated that way. Would you feel the same way about him as you do now? There is no way to know the answer to that, but what I will tell you is there is a very subtle trap people fall into….I call it “The First Trap.” It when someone experiences connection for “the first time” in a way they have never had it before and love soon follows, because the mind and heart opens up, because this story gets created: “It’s the first time someone has actually seen me, talked to me that way, treated me with such kindness etc.” Honestly, that is so sad. All that means is that there are a lot of really messed up people out there that it takes getting all the way to adulthood before they actually get to feel what it’s like to be truly cared about and respected. My point being is this…if I were to tell you that there are many more guys down the road that have the ability to treat you with kindness and respect and care. You may have to go through 100 more “frogs” to experience it, but this guy is NOT the only one who can care about you that way. What IS possible for you, is a guy who can love you even more than this guy. The truth is, this guy is not free to love you. And you want to wait until he is??? How long is that going to take??? Even if he started therapy tomorrow, with his level of fear, it’s going to take a looooong time for him to work through it and become available for love.
Even though you are still living your life and meeting other guys, you are holding back a part of your heart all for potential. That makes you very emotionally unavailable and fully open to having a new experience. If that’s what you want to do, you absolutely get to do that! But if you want to open your heart to possibility of finding another guy who is super high quality AND has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you…you need to work towards letting the idea of this guy go. Because that’s all this is…an idea. It’s not real. It’s just potential. Is that what you want to live your life for?
Heidi
Hi Anurandha!
Welcome! We love that you are here, seeking deeper understanding and guidance about your relationship. I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. It’s incredibly difficult to watch the man you love, slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it.
I want to start with this statement: I can never love anyone else. I know you feel that this guy is your one and only. I want to encourage you to create a different story than that. Love is infinite and limitless. You CAN love someone else. I know you don’t want to and that is your choice however, I would hate to see you hold onto this guy and the idea that you can never love anyone else and miss other opportunities. Love with each person is so different and unique, yet they are all powerful and impactful. People who have lost the love of their life to death, have found love again. I have deeply love a handful of times in my life and yet those ended…and I found love again. Love is like a tree….you are the trunk and your relationships are the branches. Right now, the branch that represents this guy is alive, but with him pulling away, the fruits and leaves that lived on this branch are dying, because it isn’t being sourced anymore. This branch will eventually die BUT….a new branch is fully capable of growing if you are open to loving again. This new branch will look and feel different, but it can still be a beautiful, vibrant love. The current guy’s branch will always be there as a part of you of course and that is where it is supposed to stay. I know you don’t want to hear this and I know this is not your question, but I just want to bring some truth into your thought process that isn’t actually true….you CAN love again. If you don’t and you want to stay focused on this guy until your dying breath…it’s your CHOICE to do that.
I wish there was something I could tell you to fix this so you could get what you wanted. The thing is, when someone is so programmed to abide by social constructs, religious beliefs, family systems etc. and they are NOT willing to compromise, question or challenge the programs…there really is nothing you can do. You want more from him. You want to build a life with him. He is not willing to do that. It was good for a while, but the design you both were operating under, was going to break eventually. It wasn’t built on truth, honesty and integrity. There was a ton of secrecy and lying involved. You eventually were honest, but he had to be willing to do the same thing if it was ever going to work. What you are fighting against is his fear. His fear is SOOOOO big, that he is choosing to stay “safe” within his system of family and social construct OVER loving you. I have seen this happen over and over and over again. Fear is so incredibly powerful. When it is as big as your guy’s fear, there is nothing you can say or do to shift it. It is the kind of fear that HE needs to face within himself, if he is ever going to be with you. He has to be willing to lose his family and social position and take on an incredible amount of criticism, judgment and shame to be with you. That’s a pretty tough choice. He is facing the possibility of being an outcast. Can you understand how scary that would be? I don’t know many people who would be willing to blow up their entire lives for love. And if you REALLY look at this deeply, the truth is, there is not guarantee of forever. Even if he were to choose you, there is no promise that it will last forever. You guys could eventually end up separating and then he would be left with nobody. That is a BIG BIG risk he would be taking. Staying connected to his family, which IS a forever kind of thing, is a natural choice. Family is so important. Feeling socially accepted is an important thing. Asking him to take a chance of giving all of that up, is MASSIVE. Love is just not enough in your situation. I may not be understanding your situation correctly, so if I am making this bigger than what it actually is, please correct me.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Devon! Thank you for accepting my apology and explanation.
I think an honest note would feel good to both of you, whether it gets him to come out or not. You will at least plant a seed which is potential for something to grow again. You can say something like “Losing you has been incredibly difficult. I have learned a lot about myself since you left and really seeing the areas that I want to become a better partner. One of the ways I am doing that now is by really listening to what you say and respecting your boundaries. I will not contact you and I will give you all the space you need. I am here if you ever want to talk, but if not, all I want for you is to be happy. I love you and miss you and will always appreciate and value the time that we got to spend together.” How does saying something like that feel for you?
I will definitely put in a request to have James offer his perspective!
Heidi
