[Heidi G]

I’m sorry Laura. I’m glad you are accepting the situation for what it is and willing to face the loss. Maybe it’s best for you! If you need any other help, let us know!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Laura,

Do you have any ideas if there was anything else happening for him? I find it unusual for 1 event to push someone over the edge. Usually there is a buildup from other things or the event triggered something from his past. For him to put his walls up like that, when that is not a normal pattern for him….that’s quite an extreme reaction, which again leads me to think there are some other underlying issues….he may be aware of them or not…only he would know the answer to that.

How was his childhood? Is there anything from that situation that you could see may have triggered something from his past?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sharlene!

What a wonderful job you are doing!!! I really want to give you kudos for seeing the truth about the situation. I know it doesn’t change the fact that you want him back. It’s a battle for sure….there is no way around that. Here are a few ideas that can help you process everything and get it all out:

1. Talk into a digital recorder as if you were talking to him. I did this with an ex of mine after we broke up for the last time. It was actually quite amazing!!! I got all of the words out of my swirling head and said them…with emotion, with conviction and some days I was angry and some days I missed him like crazy and wanted him back. I just kept that recorder in my car and I talked and talked and talked and said everything I needed to say. It helped relieve a lot of the edge on my feelings.

2. You can also write a looong letter as to what you want to say him. Then go somewhere beautiful, tie that letter to a bunch of helium balloons, then let them go. Make a ceremony of it….really choosing to let go of the dreams you created with him in your heart.

3. YOu can also write a letter and burn it in a trash can.

4. You can draw a picture of him, pin it up on a tree and throw a dozen or so eggs at it, saying whatever you need to say….obviously you do this one when you are going through the cycle of anger.

5. You can put on a song that matches what you are feeling and dance it out! If you feel depressed, dance depression, if you feel longing for him, dance longing etc. This is actually quite powerful too!

6. You can blow up a balloon…every time you exhale your breath into that balloon, imagine it’s all the unhealthy feelings you want to get out of your body…then pop it with a pin! Poof! All those emotions are transformed and disappear into thin air!

It’s not easy what you are doing and it’s very normal to crave him, miss him and want to get back together. Now is a VERY important time you keep taking care of yourself. Anytime you find yourself fantasizing / thinking about him, you follow those thoughts with all those arguments when he came home drunk. It’s important you maintain the FULL story of who he is, not just the best parts! When you think about him, you stop yourself and keep saying over and over again, “It’s over and I’m okay.”

You can do this!!!! It’s gonna take some time! Kanya is very accurate in saying it can take a year or longer to really heal after a relationship that lasted that long! All you need to do is focus on caring for yourself, taking care of your heart by doing lots of lovely things for yourself and a HUGE important part of your healing is laughter and fun.

Here are some ideas:

1. Happy movies are wonderful brain breaks
2. Volunteer someone and help others
3. Go hang out with some animals!!! They have a lot of healing power!!
4. Do you like dancing? Maybe join a dance class
5. Go to one of the ceramic stores and paint your own dish
6. Go hiking and get out in nature
7. Go see something new
8. go to the flower shop and make a few bouquets of flowers and put them all around your house

Pleasure, laughter, fun is a CRUCIAL part of healing!

Keep us updated and let us know how you are doing!!! We are here to support you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh wonderful!!! I’m glad to hear you feel good about taking this path. Will you keep us updated??? I really would like to hear about your first date night and how everything goes!!! Thank you for sharing your story with us!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Melissa!

It is soooo confusing why someone who is getting exactly what they wanted in a relationship would sabotage it. I have seen this a gazillion times and done it myself. I don’t know his past, but if he was in an abusive relationship, someone taught him that way before this girl came a long. Whenever you allow yourself to be abused, there usually is previous abuse as a child or at the very least, a lost of shaming, blaming, verbal abuse. So my guess is, he is comfortable or used to that type of treatment on some level.

Then you come along and he has a wonderful experience with you. My guess is, it’s probably way too good for his tastes. When someone has such low self esteem, they don’t have the ability nor tolerance to be happy in a relationship. That low self esteem is fueling his mind and heart with “You don’t deserve to be happy” “she isn’t real…this relationship won’t last” “This can’t be possible to be happy…something is wrong.” Those types of thoughts will be running like a constant script in his unconscious and will influence all relationships and the design of his life. Obviously there is another part of him that wanted to experience something healthy, otherwise he wouldn’t have attracted you. But his ability to keep his heart open and connective just isn’t there. There is a lot of woundedness and baggage getting in the way. I have seen this so many times where there is an amazing amount of potential with a guy, but there are too many walls, baggage type of stuff in the way. I personally just don’t participate in something like that because that baggage will leak out onto me since they don’t have the skillset to face it and deal with it. And it doesn’t sound like this guy is willing to face himself. He is a super big “project” to take on most likely. His heart would not allow you in. You would be banging on the door of his heart until your arm fell off. I would then ask you….what is inside of you that you are wanting to fight for a guy who is not willing to first fight for himself and isn’t willing to fight for you? I’d love your thoughts on this!

Heidi

p.s. I’m not saying not to fight for him. I’m playing devil’s advocate here and offering you educated guesses on what you might be dealing with and inviting you to think about, on a deeper level, why you are choosing to continue to participate in a very difficult situation.

[Heidi G]

Hi Korina,

I think meditating and staying where you are is what might work best for you right now. It sounds like there is so much going on that staying put and really getting your bearings is a good idea. Once life settles down for you, you might have a more clear mind to figure out what is best for you. It’s so important to commit to yourself first before any person / man. You are the only one who can fight for your health, your balance, your happiness. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility, so starting to meditate and playing close heed to what your therapist, friends and mom are saying to you (ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE ALL SAYING THE SAME EXACT THING).

There is not need to make any decisions at the moment. Keep taking 1 day at a time and focus on yourself and everything will unfold for you as it needs to.

Thank you for the update!!! Keep it coming!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Trudi!!!!

Yeeeessss!!!! You got it completely!!! I’m soooo happy to hear all of this from you. I don’t know that book, so I’m going to read it. I want to know how he said it that finally made sense to you. Thank you so much for sharing.

Here is the bottom line. You will fail and you will succeed. Each moment will have gifts for you. You will take your anxiety and carry it like a little briefcase as you go on your journey. It’s not that you won’t have anxiety anymore…we all get that about situations…it’s about moving forward anyways. Many times, I pick up my briefcase full of fear and walk into the situation carrying it with me. That’s okay! It’s just human. It when that fear stops us from moving forward that it becomes harmful. Just like you are recognizing, your anxiety stole your joy and happiness in those wonderful happy times in your life. So anxiety seems to be the main subject of your challenges and what you are really meant to face right now and I couldn’t be more proud that you are facing it on a deeper level!!!! That is resilience! I have fallen a gazillion times, but what I do know about myself is that I will get back up and that is a life well lived!!!

Well done and thanks for hanging in there with me…it was an honor to be a part of your process!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Latisha,

Wowowowow! What a wonderful thing you did for yourself! You used your voice, regardless of how he would respond! This is so empowering and you got some information you have really been wanting! Just like Kanya said, you are very brave! That was not an easy thing you did and I commend you!

I know you love him. You would not be fighting for him so much if there were not a connection there. Unfortunately, love is just not enough. So many more aspects need to be in place in order for a relationship to work and be healthy for both people….and it just doesn’t sound like he is in that mindset.

Yes…it is a one day at a time kind of thing at the moment. Isn’t that how faith is built??? It’s the most amazing time to rest in the hands that are there for you and to comfort you. I call it the “Lake of I don’t know.” It’s the place where there are no answers and to be honest, we wouldn’t really need faith if we always had the answers we needed right? So the “lake of I don’t know” is a VERY special time to strengthen your bond, trust and faith with God….and get cozy there!!!!

What do ya think?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is helpful information. Have you ever sat down and really discussed what he means. All the statements you offered here are very general. I would approach this in a way that helps me understand the FULL picture. There are so many things that could be influencing how he feels. His beliefs about parenting, how he parented his children, the lessons he feels she needs to learn, the emotions from the day or even his past, how he feeling about his life and as a father in general….and the list goes on an on. People also change a lot as they get older, for 2 main reasons. The longer they carry around any emotional baggage, the heavier it gets as they age. And then it starts to REALLY leak out into their lives because they never dealt with anything. The other is that children are growing older and so are they. A person can start to feel like their life is more behind them than in front of the. I’m not sure how old your guy is, so I’m throwing this theory out there as something to consider.

I would start doing a few things. First, I would look for patterns. Since he only gets like that every once in awhile, I would mark those days that he gets like that, on the calendar. I know that may sound weird, but sooooo many times, people get cranky during certain times and many times, a pattern can be found during a time of the month, a certain day of the week etc. I would also look at what he is FEELING outside of complaining about your parenting style. Is his life extra stressful in that moment? Is he feeling powerless somewhere in his life? Are there any stressors that are more intense during that time? And as a starting place, I would recommend to plan a date with him. Go somewhere nice for dinner and have a date night. Make sure you both dress a bit nicer than your daily outfits. And plan that time to empty out. It’s not a night of dumping on each other, but more a night of being curious about what the other person is thinking and feeling. It’s a time of reconnecting and getting to know each other on a deeper level without any distractions around. I would bring up this parenting challenge. I recommend to really listen to him….no need to defend yourself and how you parent. Just listen and ask a lot of questions and get very specific details as to what he means when he says those things. Really look at his perspective and see if there is any truth in it for you and then come up with a plan together that makes you both feel good about how to help prepare her for her life. I imagine that is what his intent is…he wants her to be prepared for life. Ask a lot of questions about what it means for him and then also request that when and if he says those things again, to say them in private. To TALK to you about what he is feelings vs. being accusatory and causing you both to feel hurt. You can say something like, “I have no doubt you love our daughter and I know you are only wanting the best for her. How do you feel about just leaving those comments to yourself until you and I are alone and we can talk about what you are seeing and feeling and we can get on the same page together. I feel like that will be more helpful for me to really listen to you and she will not misunderstand you and get hurt by how you are speaking about her. Do you feel this is possible and reasonable?”

Let me know what you think about this approach!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Darla,

Wow….there is definitely a lot going on here. 11 mouths to feed, a business to keep afloat, alcoholic and now a “nagging” wife (as I’m sure he would say). You guys have been in a pattern for sooo many years, with all those children, it’s definitely going to take some time to adjust. Women are built for relationship and connection. It’s the core of who we are. Men are built for producing. It’s at the core of who they are. They are driven by making things happen. So you both are operating from your fundamental core needs. You need connection, he needs to produce. Those needs can actually compliment each other in a lot of ways, but as you are experiencing, they can also clash quite a bit. I have seen it over and over again…where the parents have to get to know each other all over again once the last kid leaves. And many many times, it’s not a pretty site. The parents get so wrapped up in being parents that they make each other last on the list.

I don’t know about whether he still loves you or not, but I do know that the little time you do spend together, you are complaining to him about him and that can take whatever fire is left and smother it right out. You, of course, are just trying to connect and pull him out of his funk and get him to become your husband again.

Your situation is so layered, I am wondering if you would be willing to see a counselor or a coach. There are a lot of dynamics at play here that are going to take a lot of time to unfold. Is that something that is possible for you?

In the meantime, experiment a little. Instead of complaining about what you are not getting from him, what about appreciating him for you are getting. The little time you spend together for breakfast, can you reminisce about some happy times and talk about happy memories that make you guys laugh? (try not to talk about the kids…find memories of just the 2 of you). And when you take him dinner in bed, maybe write a little note every once in awhile saying, “I love you” “I appreciate how hard you work” “I love the house we get to live in because of all your hard work. Thank you” Leaving little notes like that in his wallet, his car etc. can help put some money in the soul bank. I wonder that would begin to helps shift things in the direction you are wanting. Let go of talking about his limitations for awhile and give it a rest. Complain to us, complain to your girlfriends, but don’t complain to him for a bit and just see what happens.

Thoughts?

[Heidi G]

also….how old is your daughter?

[Heidi G]

Hi!

This is a great question and a caring question. I love that you want to make his feelings matter as that is one of the most important things a man needs. Has he always been like this about her? Does he say these things in front her? What is their relationship like?

It’s important that he feels he is being listened to and that he also is appreciated for what he is doing right as a father. Tell me some ways that he is also a good father? Do you ever say these things to him?

Is his attitude starting to affect your relationship with him? Do you feel walls starting to separate you guys?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Sharlene,

Whenever someone gets anxiety or freezes up about hurting someone, that usually is something from the past. He has no tolerance for disappointing someone. Being that he is an alcoholic, did he also grow up with an alcoholic parent. He is using alcohol to manage his emotions, so he definitely does not have a healthy skillset to deal with disappointment on any level.

I’m wondering if you would consider the possibility of letting this guy go. No matter how good you are together when things are good, it matters more how good you are together when things are hard and difficult. You can change as much as you want, but unless he works on dealing with anxiety, improves on his communication and deals with his relationship with alcohol, you guys are gonna end up in the same exact cycle. BOTH people need to change in order to have the relationship be different, and it doesn’t sound like that is something he is doing.

What makes you think that it would be any different than before?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Marie,

I’m sorry to hear this. It’s really hard to make a mistake and then not be forgiven for it.
Did you guys break up because of this? How long were you together? Does he have a pattern of not forgiving people? How was your relationship when you were together? Peaceful, challenging etc.? How long have you been broken up?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Korina!

Wow…a lot has happened. It’s never too late for anything. It sounds like you are really getting bogged down with a lot of different options, so maybe it is good for you to take a break for a bit. If you got back with your ex, you can always undo it. What is most important is that you really stay connected to yourself and what you need to stay balanced and healthy….connect to and take care of yourself first and then you can invite someone into your life what would support that for you. It sounds like maybe spending some time alone could be a good thing for you so you can get your bearings again.

Heidi

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