[Heidi G]

Hi Cristina,

I can see why you are confused!

I would recommend to give him a little space, but apologize at the same time. Maybe try something like this:

“You and I haven’t been the same since I went all crazy on you. I’ve apologized and I still feel embarrassed. You saw a very ugly side to me and it has really inspired me to want to fix that side. I don’t like to feel jealous and I know I need some help. So I’ve decided to actively start working on it. I never want to put you or anyone else through that again. I understand it has made you pull back from me. Sometimes you are connective and sometimes not. We haven’t known each other very long, so I understand your need to pull back. So what I need to know from you is what you want from me. Are you willing to forgive me and move forward or do you need some time to breathe and figure things out? What I do know, is that I am always confused and don’t know what you want, so it’s time to just talk about that and let me know how I can support you.”

Or….you can always apologize and start actively finding a way to heal that part of you that doesn’t believe you are enough. And let him watch the changes in you. You can pull back your energy some and let him initiate more. I also want to really advise you NOT to send texts about something deeper like apologizing about the videos you sent and that you felt uncomfortable. He could TOTALLY read that in a different way than you intended, so keep those topics for in person or at least phone conversation!

What do you think?

Hedi

[Heidi G]

Hi Lina,

You are spot on! Women’s hearts and souls ARE a very interesting! Interestingly enough, women typically are the most difficult to coach because their emotions are sooooo strong about a guy and that completely over-rides the reality.

This is where you are running into some trouble. You have these INTENSE emotions and feelings towards this guy….you have a part of you connected to the possibility / dream that he could be your person and that you guys could have something really special. Reality is, he is not willing to go down that path with you. The problem a lot of women run into, is they do not listen to what the guy is telling them because the woman is more connected to the feelings and the bond and the connection while the guy is on a different path. He can agree with you all he wants, but it is not changing his ACTION. Reality is, you are already dreaming about falling in love with this guy and he could be your soul mate…the reality is, you hardly know him. You are giving him sooooo much power in your life that it is stopping you from opening your heart to the possibility of someone else. You want to know when to give up? I would say a good time to let go is when you start to lose yourself….when you stop living your life fully and completely…..when more is going out than going in.

It sounds like you might be at this point. You have done some GREAT work already with him!!! You have tried techniques and getting some wonderful, immediate responses, which is wonderful! AND he is still not initiating anything with you. I definitely would advise to keep putting out the vibes BUT ONLY IF you kept dating other guys and didn’t keep your heart wrapped up with this guy. It doesn’t sound like that is possible for you and that is the danger. You are continuing to put forth all this effort with little to no return in the direction you are wanting to go….at least not right now. Maybe at some point that will change….maybe not. So dealing with what is happening NOW is important. Right now, you guys sound like you have a good friendship going on and nothing more. Right now, that hurts like crazy! Right now, he is showing you he is happy to connect with you, but not willing to go down that romantic path. Right now, he is not available. I want to invite you to let him go. Free yourself from him and CHOOSE to keep living your life. I’m sooooo so happy he has helped you open up after 3 years! That is so wonderful! You know now, that it is possible! So maybe it’s time to let him go, stop being friends for awhile and stop talking and allow yourself to end the dream about him and create a new dream with someone who is available for you.

If, for whatever reason, he comes around and decides he wants to pursue something with you, then AT THAT TIME, you can decide what you want to do or not do.

I know this is not the result you are looking for. My first priority in coaching anyone, is getting them connected and centered in themselves first. All you keep doing is exposing yourself over and over to rejection because you would rather give credibility to your “connection” than credibility to his words of “not now” and it’s stopping you from living your life and hurting you. Maybe it’s time for you to stop hurting.

There are other guys out there that can activate this beautiful, loving side to you!!! Give them a chance!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Galina,

I totally get your connection with this guy! I had the same thing with a guy I met over a year ago. We would talk for HOURS in starbucks!!! There was chemistry, friendship, intelligence…we both new it. Then one day, he just stopped showing up. I thought about him for about 6 months, every single day! It drove me nuts!!! I kept working and working on letting go of the energy between us and eventually I found peace. I knew though, that I would see him again. Funny enough, I started running into him at the gym where I workout over the past few months (it had been a year since I saw him last). The chemistry was still soooo alive, and of course, I started thinking about him every single day again. However, there was no way I was going to let him in. Just because I felt this really strong chemistry with him, did not mean he was someone I was going to choose to have a romantic adventure with. Chemistry is just chemistry. He would have to earn the right to have my attention outside of being a little flirty at the gym. I started to learn about him enough to realize this guy was going to be a roller coaster ride! Did it change that I thought about him every single day?? Nope! I am saying all of this because I want you to think about this….just because there are feelings, it DOES NOT MEAN you act on them! The feelings and chemistry is the easy part! He has to follow through and be willing to take a journey with you! If that isn’t there…then it’s up to you to decide how long you want to wait.

I don’t want to delve into the spiritual side of things too much here, but I will tell you that every single day, I imagined a energy of light going between him and I…and then letting it dissolve. It was not healthy for me to be thinking about him like that. It felt obsessive (which is not like me at all) especially knowing I would not enter into a romance with him. I imagined that SEVERAL times and would say my own version of prayers to release the energy between him and I. After about a week, it worked! I no longer think about him, I no longer feel connected to him, I am at peace. Whenever there is a constant thinking about someone (especially when the relationship doesn’t exist) there is an obsessive quality about it…and that is the part where maybe you need to consider letting go of. Let go of the fantasy of him, let go of connection with him and keep your heart open to other experiences! DO NOT let this guy control your thoughts / heart! DO NOT let this guy ruin your openness to have other experiences that will serve you better. He has made his choice and that is to not travel down the romantic path with you anymore.

So when should you let go? I would recommend working with the energy you feel towards him and see if you can shift it by letting go of the constant thinking about him and any unhealthy energy that is keeping you connected to him. THEN….make your decision.

How does this approach feel for you??

I know it may be a bit “off” and non traditional, but I thought I would give it a shot and see how you felt! There are, of course, other ways to approach this, so keep the conversation open with us!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jayshree,

Man, this is a tough one! There are a few theories that come to mind….but that’s all they are…just theories.

So here I go:

1. Maybe he slept with someone and got and STD. He would not want to get caught because of that, nor give it to you.
2. He found out he has a disease that is terminal or something that is very serious and doesn’t want you to know about it.
3. His family has come back into town and maybe there is a history of sexual or physical abuse (he may not even remember something like that consciously) and therefore he is shutting down on all levels, in order to survive.
4. The financial stress can be sooooo intense for a man. It absolutely can cause a man to go into survival mode, which means that not much is left over for a romantic relationship.
5. He is gay – I know that may sound weird. I have a friend who was married for 12 years. The guy had denied it his entire life. She had NO CLUE as they had great sex, he was romantic with her etc. Now, he is married to a man and super happy!

SOMETHING happened though. To go from a romantic love to a sisterly love, especially over a short period of time, it raises a red flag for me. It tells me that something has happened to cause him to shut down that part of himself. Maybe because you are still married and his family is in town and he doesn’t want them to know about you, so the best way is to just break up.

Here is what you need to face though. Whatever is happening for him, is HIS deal. If all he can tell you is that he just doesn’t feel that way about you anymore, then I don’t know what to tell you. You cannot make someone feel something that is blocked off or isn’t there. If it is blocked off…whatever is blocking it….it needs to be dealt with by him. The more you try to push against that block, the stronger it will become. Strange enough, if there is something blocking his feelings for you right now, probably the fastest way to remove that block is for you to become unavailable to him COMPLETELY. No more talking or connecting or friendship. Let him feel the COMPLETE loss of you. He obviously is still VERY connected to you or he would not keep trying to connect through a friendship. He is not interested in losing you or disconnecting from you.

I remember a time when I was living with my boyfriend at the time and everything was great. I went home for a week and he ended up joining me for a few days. It was so strange, but the moment he showed up, I completely shut down. I literally wanted to cringe every time he touched me, felt romantic towards me, tried to hold my hand. It was sooooo hard for me to fake it!!! I didn’t understand what was going on or why I had shut down so suddenly. Poor guy!!! I eventually had to be honest and let him know that I will figure it out…I just needed a few days. Turns out, I was SERIOUSLY triggered by something and it shut down my whole system. I didn’t even realize that particular event had triggered me!!! That happens soooo many times to people. They are feeling things, or not feeling things…and they have no control over it nor do they understand it. That is why I have always had someone to help me navigate those strange places and help me figure stuff out, because I was not objective enough.

From what you are telling us, it doesn’t seem to be anything caused by something you did or the quality of the relationship. It sounds like something that is coming from deep inside his spirit. I guess the questions I would want to ask him if I were his coach would be…
1. When did you start noticing that you didn’t feel connected to her anymore?
2. Did you ever feel madly in love with her? What were your thoughts about her and your future together?
3. What are your thoughts about love?
4. Why do you need to keep your relationships so secret and private? What are you afraid of?

That would be the line of questioning I would want to start with. Maybe you can ask him some of those questions and see what he says.

I do want to invite you to start to consider the idea of letting him go. It actually may break his pattern and be the best thing for you. It is NOT healthy for you to keep connecting and staying friends with a man who sees you as a sister.

I know that is not what you want to hear, but it needs to be said. I know you want him to fall in love with you again….of course! But whatever is going on is between him and himself and it doesn’t seem like anything you “DO” will change that, because it’s actually not about you.

I threw a lot out here……all just ideas. Thoughts??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Mavis!

I would wait as long as it takes. I know how tough this is. The thing is, you need to really find out what this guy is thinking about you. If he goes 3 or 4 weeks without contacting you, that’s letting you know that he is really not interested anymore and most likely just needs to focus on getting his life back together. Everyone has their different tolerance levels though. I know for me personally, I tend to be very direct. If I feel a guy has disconnected and stopped reaching out, I tend to just have a very honest conversation to see where he is at. If he is not that responsive, then I need that information so I can make my own decision. Since you seem to be the very patient type, maybe wait about 3 weeks and then reach out for conversation.

You could open the conversation like, “Hey…I understand you have sooo much going on right now and you are probably in survival mode. I’d love to hear how you are doing and how your test went! Maybe a quick cup of coffee soon?”

Keep it super simple, light and supportive.

DO NOT remind him of mother’s day!!! Doing something like that is treating him like a child as if he needs reminding. I also would not recommend sending anything to his mother. That’s a very personal holiday. For you to give something to HIS mother, it assumes a very close relationship and reality is, that’s not what you have at the moment. It could really have a negative effect in his mind.

Lastly, I understand you want to set yourself apart from his other “choices” if there are any. I want to invite you to really embrace the idea that YOU ARE ENOUGH, JUST AS YOU ARE!!! A man that truly sees you, cares about you, is invested in you….will feel that way just because of who you are and NOT because of what you “do.” If this guy doesn’t notice you already, then getting in good with his mom is not going to change that. He needs to SEE you and be attracted to you without you having to do or earn his affections. When my clients say things like that to me, my first response is, “That statement is telling me that you do not fully and completely believe you are loveable just as you are. Let’s focus on that aspect first and foremost.” You DO NOT need to compete against any other women. Men are not something to compete for! If you fully believed you were this badass, beautiful, amazing catch and that he is LUCKY to get to have you in his life….and you walked around like that, you lived your day believing that….then he will feel that! If you walk around feeling like you are not enough just as you are, you have to compete / earn his attention, you will do anything for him (even at your own expense) then he will feel that as well! What do you want him to feel from you???

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Peggy!

Thanks for the clarification! It helps a lot.

There is nothing “normal” about your situation in that the typical advice may not work for you. He is being faced with the end of his life possibly and that, in and of itself, will change how he reacts to you.

You have only been together for 3 months. I’m a bit concerned when you ask for him to make you a priority. That’s A TON of pressure to put on a guy who is looking at the end of his life. If you were in his life for even a year and had an established relationship, it would be more reasonable, but you guys are sooooo new and you are stepping into a VERY difficult situation. Even dating a guy for 3 months and he doesn’t have cancer…asking to be his priority is still quite a tall request. It’s a spot that needs to be earned over time, so I am glad you are backing off a bit and letting him take some of the lead. That is an important role for a man to take!!!

You are doing great with making sure you are taking care of yourself, keeping things light and enticing and being aware of what is not working. Being that cancer can pretty much take up and entire relationship, an entire day, all his thoughts….it’s a HUGE and consuming energy. So I think it’s a great idea for you to take the lead and help him break away from his relationship with cancer by being playful, talking about other things, letting him get to know YOU and pulling him into a life that exists beyond treatment and end of life thinking. I think that is such a wonderful way to support him!!!

So you are on track! You are giving him space to contact you, you are cleaning your house, you are wanting to expand your conversation topics, you are being honest with your feelings…it’s really the best you can do being that you guys are so new to each other and are having very different thoughts about life in general right now. You are going to need A LOT of patience as he is going to naturally have a lot of walls up. You are quite brave to step into something like this!!!

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Peggy,

Wow! You are in a very intense situation. So let me understand you correctly….he is currently dying? The doctors said he has weeks to live??? I want to be clear about this before moving forward with guidance. I’m a bit confused as how you are explaining his life, it doesn’t seem like that is the case as of yet….so any clarification is helpful. Also, you said it’s happened before where he lied about what he was doing. Has he cheated on you before? Or just has a history of lying?

Thank you for writing in and trusting us with your situation!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I just posted this video in another post and I thought of you as well. I think you’ll appreciate it and enjoy it!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow! What an intense experience!!! Goodness! I can see why you have bonded with him deeply. Thinking about someone in particular during possible end of life moments is EXTREMELY bonding…even though you were not with him yet.

Wondering where your life went and what’s next, taps into our deepest fears of death. They are wonderful moments to work with. Go back to that hospital moment and rate it 1 to 10.

Then go re-create that hospital moment through a visualization. I do believe in a higher power, so I imagine a moment wrapped in light, giving my fears to God, breathing out the fear and breathing in the truth (the truth being, you are okay, you are enough, your life is exactly what it needs to be etc.). By re-creating the story, it can shift the programs running in your mind about those moments. Keep working with those moments until you get down to a zero. It will clear a lot of fear and be replaced by peace. My guess is, this will help tremendously with your fear about your current guy.

One of my favorite things to say is, “I choose goodness into restoring, renewing, refreshing and replenishing my mind, body and spirit now.”I invite the full force of goodness, truth, healing and peace into this moment.”

It may take a few times to change the energy and fear of those moments in the hospital, it may take only once. Again, keep working with it!!! It’s important because those moments would create a lack of trust in yourself….and trust in yourself, feeling safe in yourself is sooooo essential in life!!!

Thoughts???

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Myrleen,

Thank you for writing in and using us as a resource for your research! I want to commend you for learning and caring enough to take further steps on how to be a better partner for him!! Well done!

Just a few questions:
1. How long have you been dating?
2. How did you meet?
3. Have you ever met him?
4. His response to your humor was getting upset? Angry type of upset? Or offended?

The very first thing I want to remind you of, is that you ALWAYS must be yourself. Cultural difference or not, being yourself is not a faux pas!!! It’s just being yourself. I guarantee he wasn’t thinking, “I should change my reaction to her humor because I need to learn how to be more American!” It is soooo crucial that yes, you learn and understand cultural differences, but that you DO NOT lose who you are in the process. Love can only last if BOTH people are able to fully enjoy, accept and embrace full authenticity of each other. Italian men are not typically big on having deep conversations about emotions. They tend towards the very strong male energy where they just want things to be fixed without the journey into deep emotions to fix them. Every guy is different though, so maybe you would be willing to ask him about it? If you guys are online and not talking over the phone, then it’s also possible to mis-read a reaction on either end.

What are your thoughts??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Cristina!

Man….I am so sorry you have been cheated on so many times. It really can ruin trust and feeling safe with a man. My first suggestion is to really work on letting go of the past. Your HUGE reaction is all because of things that happened before he came along and he paid the price for the choices of other guys. I don’t know what you said or did, but it seemed to have really broken trust on his end and re-consider his thoughts about you. Jealousy can be a deal breaker for many people. I know it is for me. That is why I really want to invite you to go the extra mile and face your fears and face the hurt from your past. You can say all you want, that it will never happen again and that you are so sorry, but truth is….that’s not true. It will happen again as long as you don’t deal with all of those fears hurts. Those fears and hurts are big walls between you and another man. As long as those walls exist, it will always limit your ability to love deeply and fully. If he is going to trust you again, I think the best way to approach it, is to SHOW him you are going to take action to work on this part of yourself. You care about him that much and you never want to put him through that again and mostly….you HATE feeling that way….so you are going to get help and you are going to fix it. I highly recommend finding a coach or therapist to work with if you can. It’s sooooo amazing to have a skilled person walk you through all those areas of uncharted territory in order to find deep healing. If that is not possible for you, at the very least, start reading some books and following spiritual teachers that resonate with you. Brene Brown is one of my favorites! Here is a video that is so wonderful!

I don’t know how you apologized, but something to this affect is usually pretty powerful:

“Listen…I just wanted to really say that I’m so sorry for reacting that way. You did not deserve to pay the price for the decisions of other guys from my past. It’s simply not fair. I know I am jealous and very insecure. After treating you that way, I really realized it is time for me to face these things inside myself and heal. I understand that I broke trust with you and maybe you will never fully give me a chance again. I hope you do as I care for you and love you and do not want to lose you. I am messy sometimes and I would love to have you work through those things WITH me. I want you to know that I am going to start reading some books, listening to…..going to a seminar….all to help me with this issue and other issues as well. I don’t want to treat you or anyone else like that again. And mostly, I don’t want to feel that way anymore. It is so uncomfortable and horrible. I just wanted you to know that.”

When you apologize and then show that you are taking ACTION and are going to be actively fixing it, it helps TREMENDOULSY for the other person to feel hopeful with you.

How does this make you feel?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Elizabeth!

First off, I want to commend you for not giving up! It sounds like you are trying all kinds of options and that is wonderful!

This is a tuffy though. It’s hard to catch someone’s attention in the middle of a workout or crossing paths at a grocery store. This is actually such a common question though!! For both men and women! How do you approach a complete stranger??? Well….it all really depends on the situation. I met a guy at a grocery store once! We made eye contact and I smiled….kept shopping and then made sure to cross his path again and smile again. For men, the most important thing to do is, is to let them know they will NOT get rejected if they want to come talk to you. So flashing those pearly whites or keep making eye contact with them totally sends the flirty signal that you see them and like them. It will help them feel confident approaching you. The guy I met seemed a bit shy, so I ended up walking up to him while he was picking out some crackers and made a recommendation for him. So I helped break the ice and start a conversation and he took it from there. You gotta find ways to help a guy feel safe to talk with you and that you will be friendly. I’ve done that MANY times and the guy still doesn’t approach as well. That’s okay! He may be already taken or he may be super shy (which isn’t my type anyways) so I trust the process. I throw out the signals and it’s up to him to follow through.

Does this give you an idea of how to go about it? For the ladies, our job is to be flirty and get noticed and then the guy’s job is to approach and take the lead…so we have the easy part actually.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Darla!

Give it some time! That’s awesome that you are trying some new sex moves!!! He may not have mentioned it, as it takes some time for trust to be built with the counselor. Talking openly about your sex life is just not something people do, so I honestly wouldn’t think much about it. You both need some time to get to know your counselor and establish trust and safety and to know your counselor will not take sides.

You have soooo many years under your belt together. He is FINALLY making some efforts by going to the counselor and now filling out the questionnaire. That is a HUGE change!!! I know it’s not all that you want from him, but it is at least start and a sign that he is willing to work on things. So take a breath and don’t make any decisions or ultimatums yet. Let him settle into this idea first and trust the process. You will have your chances to say all the things you need to say with the counselor. So don’t go anywhere yet!!!! He IS improving, even though it’s not all that you want…he still is taking a step towards growth.

So what can you do to help yourself through this? What is he NOT giving you that you can give to yourself. Learn how to meet your own needs when he is not able to offer you what you need. That will help you find more patience. So what ideas do you have that can help you right now?

Heidi

p.s. I am super proud of you! You are doing a great job!

[Heidi G]

Hi Jayshree!

Wow! This is completely shocking for you!!! I am sooooo sorry you are going through this! It’s horrible and confusing!
Let’s see if we can help you figure this out….I have some questions:

1. Why was your relationship secret for 5 years?
2. Is there anything happening for him that is extra stressful for this past season? Difficult finances, family troubles, job challenges??
3. How has your relationship been? Is there anything you guys consistently argued about or anything he consistently complained about with you?
4. How old is he?
5. Do you guys communicate well together?
6. Is there a possibility or signs or him being interested in anyone else?
7. How was your sex life together?

This type of information will help us guide you better. The more details you offer, the better! Any info. that you feel that could be contributing to what is happening for him, will help us!

Heidi

Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep breathing, one day at a time!

[Heidi G]

Oh my goodness!!! You kick ass! You are handling all of this with him with such grace and respect. You are a rare bird Aysegul! I’m glad you are getting away. It may help to get some perspective and heal a bit.

So I’m curious. What is looping around in your head that most where you get stuck? Whenever we have really challenging moments, there will be moments of those memories that we keep replaying over and over again in our minds. Those are the moments that hold the key to the biggest pain. And that is the place to start to do some really DEEP healing. All the other details of the memories etc…can just be ignored. Just watch which specific things that were said, keep looping around in your mind.

I would love to hear where you are stuck if you wanna share!

You are doing a wonderful job!!!

Heidi

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