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Hi Darla!
Give it some time! That’s awesome that you are trying some new sex moves!!! He may not have mentioned it, as it takes some time for trust to be built with the counselor. Talking openly about your sex life is just not something people do, so I honestly wouldn’t think much about it. You both need some time to get to know your counselor and establish trust and safety and to know your counselor will not take sides.
You have soooo many years under your belt together. He is FINALLY making some efforts by going to the counselor and now filling out the questionnaire. That is a HUGE change!!! I know it’s not all that you want from him, but it is at least start and a sign that he is willing to work on things. So take a breath and don’t make any decisions or ultimatums yet. Let him settle into this idea first and trust the process. You will have your chances to say all the things you need to say with the counselor. So don’t go anywhere yet!!!! He IS improving, even though it’s not all that you want…he still is taking a step towards growth.
So what can you do to help yourself through this? What is he NOT giving you that you can give to yourself. Learn how to meet your own needs when he is not able to offer you what you need. That will help you find more patience. So what ideas do you have that can help you right now?
Heidi
p.s. I am super proud of you! You are doing a great job!
Hi Jayshree!
Wow! This is completely shocking for you!!! I am sooooo sorry you are going through this! It’s horrible and confusing!
Let’s see if we can help you figure this out….I have some questions:1. Why was your relationship secret for 5 years?
2. Is there anything happening for him that is extra stressful for this past season? Difficult finances, family troubles, job challenges??
3. How has your relationship been? Is there anything you guys consistently argued about or anything he consistently complained about with you?
4. How old is he?
5. Do you guys communicate well together?
6. Is there a possibility or signs or him being interested in anyone else?
7. How was your sex life together?This type of information will help us guide you better. The more details you offer, the better! Any info. that you feel that could be contributing to what is happening for him, will help us!
Heidi
Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep breathing, one day at a time!
Oh my goodness!!! You kick ass! You are handling all of this with him with such grace and respect. You are a rare bird Aysegul! I’m glad you are getting away. It may help to get some perspective and heal a bit.
So I’m curious. What is looping around in your head that most where you get stuck? Whenever we have really challenging moments, there will be moments of those memories that we keep replaying over and over again in our minds. Those are the moments that hold the key to the biggest pain. And that is the place to start to do some really DEEP healing. All the other details of the memories etc…can just be ignored. Just watch which specific things that were said, keep looping around in your mind.
I would love to hear where you are stuck if you wanna share!
You are doing a wonderful job!!!
Heidi
Hi Vanessa!
Dating can be soooo difficult! “Why” is the most common question I get from my clients. So many people send mixed messages and cause so much confusion for the person on the receiving end. I can offer my best educated guess, but reality is, you will probably never know the real answer. It’s very normal to ask the “why” question as that is our mind trying to create closure and understand the situation better, in hopes it might hurt less. What I like to invite my clients to do is to consider NOT answering that “why” question. When you don’t have someone who is authentic and able to answer that why question for you, it’s important to develop the skill to create the resolution all on your own.
So one thing I always ask someone is: does it really matter “why”? A lot of times, it doesn’t. What matters is what the end result is. The end result for you, is that you have a guy who is not really fighting for you. Yes, he is responding AND he isn’t. Being that this is a new guy, I wouldn’t recommend spending any more energy trying to understand him. All you need to know is that he is not putting forth enough effort to keep things going. There is something missing. If it’s already this hard and confusing IN THE VERY BEGINNING, can you imagine down the road??? So when you start to travel down the rabbit hole of “why”, answer that question by saying “It doesn’t matter. There is not enough going on to keep investing in this. It’s over.” Free yourself and create closure.
I know it’s very common for people to say “It’ll happen when you least expect it” or “You’ll find someone when you’re not looking.” haha! I’ve heard that a million times as well. My goal is to always feel very peaceful being alone. Whenever I am craving connection and craving to fall in love and it’s driving me to actively look, I know I am out of balance. I am seeking something outside of myself to make me feel better because something is missing inside….and so the journey to inside begins…looking for what I am missing. It’s when I feel complete, not attached to finding anyone, peaceful and content with my life, that I date the most…..or not….it doesn’t really matter to me. Either way, I’m happy to experience whatever life brings my way.
I want to encourage you to really connect with and work with those limiting belief patterns where you get stuck with guys. Being single is the PERFECT time to really dissect what is causing you to take things so personally or why you tend to move fast etc. When you work on those aspects of yourself, then how and who you date changes with you! It’s wonderful!
What do you think??
Heidi
Hi Korina!
True love shows up in so many different forms. You will never love someone in the same way again. Love is like a tree. There are branches that grow and represent our love for someone. If the relationship ends for whatever reason, the branch dies off. It doesn’t necessarily fall of the tree as it is a part of the tree forever. Then one day someone new comes a long and another branch will begin to grow. This branch will have a different shape, different size, different look to it and it will be as unique as every other branch on your tree…all valuable, all a part of you, all important….ALL DIFFERENT.
So in your future, of course you can love someone intensely again. When you completely heal from your ex, your heart will open again in a different way and be ready to receive another experience of love. I know that is hard to imagine at the moment. It’s nothing you have to worry about at the moment. Right now, your focus needs to be on yourself and healing from your ex and really clearing him out of your life, your heart, your mind, your emotions. That is going to take some time….not a fun process, but a necessary one. You can do this!
Heidi
Hi Darla!
Okay! You are getting more wonderful information about what is happening! What I LOVE most about what you are doing is that you are living your life anyways. You want to learn how to dance and you are not waiting for him to say yes, so you are going anyways. You have an appointment with a counselor which is wonderful!!! If he doesn’t go, he sure is missing out, but you go anyways!! He unloaded about on you about your complaining and you have immediately shifted into being more positive with him! He is sooooo lucky to have you! It’s going to take some time. He already is showing you new patterns in his behavior, so hold tight. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep learning, keep appreciating him and going to this counselor can be wonderful as you will learn more skills about how to be a better partner with him.
I am just beaming with a huge smile right now that this is the path you are choosing. Well done!!!
I’d love to keep getting updates from you! Keep us in the loop as we will always have ideas for you to try or even just support you in the ways that you need!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
Wow! I LOVE your update! I am seriously proud of you! It is NOT EASY what you have gone through…and it is NOT EASY to keep perspective the way you are. Well done!!!
Yes! Always keep learning! There is sooooo much I want to teach you right now, but I think I’ll just stick with 1 concept for the moment and we can go from there.
First, I want to share with you the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is what your head knows….wisdom is what your heart knows. Wisdom is knowledge put into action. You know how you can KNOW that cheesecake is going to pack on the weight and not be a healthy thing for your body and therefore, it’s not a good idea to have it as part of your regular diet. But knowing that does not mean that you will make that choice. Your ex knows that drinking is taking him down a dark path, but it doesn’t change that he is going down that path anyways. He knows, but that knowledge has not shifted into wisdom for him yet.
I have seen it over and over again….people trying to “fix” their limitations / patterns by reading a lot and learning a lot. Learning is definitely an essential part of the process, but only the first half…and usually the easiest part. The 2nd half is taking that knowledge and turning it into wisdom….and when it gets to the wisdom stage….you ARE the information vs. knowing the information. Here is a personal example….I used to REALLY be defined by how much attention I was getting from the guys. So if a guy rejected me, know showed on a date, didn’t give me attention, my self esteem would feel strong effects from that. I KNEW, 100% that it was unhealthy what I was doing, that my self esteem needed to come from the inside and not the outside and that the only way to REALLY shift was to work on the deep negative beliefs. So…over time, I kept clearing and looking at, and working with my coach to remove those negative beliefs and replace them with the truth. NOW….thank goodness….I have soooo much more INTERNAL self esteem and male attention, whether I get it or not, does not define me. NOW…I AM the information I knew back then. I don’t even have to convince myself or remind myself of those truths. I just AM the truth.
Another more simple example is I can explain to you how to make the MOST AMAING chocolate chip cookies in the world!!! I can tell you how they taste, the textures, the process of making them and you can learn and know how to make them. But until you taste one, smell one, feel one….you really won’t have a clue. So knowing (knowledge) how to make the cookies is the first step (learning) and then making the cookies is the 2nd step and then tasting (knowledge has now turned into wisdom) them is the final step.
Haha! Does what I am saying make sense??? I’m saying this because all of this learning becomes more powerful when you can deepen it by becoming the information and shifting from places deep in your soul. How do you do that? Honestly, everyone is different. I found a coach that is brilliant and quickly helps me get to those places. Other people go to workshops, follow certain teachers and their lessons, meditation, yoga, reiki bodywork, etc. There are so many healing methods out there and I personally try all of them! all the time! I do have my coach that I go to when I am dealing with some very deep rooted patterns, but I am also following up with the other healers who help me in a very different way. So my suggestion is to find people to help you! Having other people’s perspectives, techniques, guidance can make a HUGE difference in your path!!!
What do you think about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Aysegul!
Okay then! All you need to know is that in this moment, you still want to move forward with him. Be careful though. I know you are saying he is the least risky of the guys you have dated. I’d hate to see you settle just because of your current situation. Just because he is the least risky, it does not mean he is a good choice. I personally would rather be alone than to settle. I know you guys have a very strong connection and chemistry and that is nearly impossible to fight against. When something is that strong, no matter how big the red flags are, people will move forward anyways. I get it!
You have a journey you want to keep taking with this guy and so there are many things for you to still learn from him. Take it one day at a time and see what ends up showing up for you. I would like to suggest to NOT make a timeline. When we start to put timelines on when someone needs to say or do things like say “I love you” it doesn’t allow for someone to get to that space on their own. He has a lot of baggage from his past. He needs to choose to face it or not face it and you need to let him have that be his process in his own timing.
I want to really suggest that you take your focus off of whether he can say “I love you”….or not….and focus on just continuing to get to know each other. Develop the friendship, keep having those deep conversations, keep watching yourself and your own reactions about him and the areas you have not forgiven and are still holding onto. If growth is your focus with him, you will find MANY ways you have grown together….and maybe the “i love you” won’t matter as much.
What do you think about this?
Heidi
Hi Vanessa!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! Any new thoughts? Any new dates? Are you getting more grounded in maybe practicing taking things a lot slower?
We would love and update!!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any new updates? How are you processing everything that has happened? You doing okay?
We would love and update!!!
Heidi
HI Darla!
Just checking in. How are things going for you? Has anything shifted at all? Have you tried a different approach???
We would love an update!!!!
Hi Mavis!
Good job! That’s a perfect note for right now. Of course it would be nice to have some type of response to know he got it. It would be a nice gesture on his end. But that’s okay! I’m glad you have patience and are committed to making it work for right now. I have a feeling you will need it! Make sure you do not contact him for awhile. Let him reach out to you now. If you are the one who keeps initiating, he won’t be able to miss you and that’s what needs to happen. It may take a few weeks, but it will do 2 things. 1. It will help him not feel pressure from you (which I imagine he have felt before) AND he will feel your absence, which hopefully will trigger his hunting instinct and inspire him to contact you.
Does this plan feel okay for you????
Heidi
Hi! I’m pretty sure you would have had the conversation with him since I think he left already. I’m dying to know what happened!!!! Are you okay???? I know you have soooo much to process and really think about. Your heart is really connected to this guy and that makes so many things very confusing and more difficult!
I would love an update when you have the time and energy!
Heidi
Hi Korina!
Please be careful!!! There is NO WAY to prove anything for sure. People can say and do whatever they want over technology! It’s incredible what can be done.
I am really curious why you feel this needs to go so fast? Why not just keep chatting to him and keep going on dates and then when you meet in person, you can take things from there. Why move so fast??? Could it possible be that you don’t feel very good without having male attention coming in your direction? That’s my guess as I understand that pattern VERY well myself. It takes awhile to deal with being alone and actually being okay with it, but it’s always something I really invite all my clients to experience. It’s challenging, but eventually feels so wonderful when you aren’t afraid of being alone anymore. That is my best guess, so please correct me if I am wrong.
Again…no need to cut this guy off. I would just suggest to take it slow and keep perspective. You will meet up eventually and when you do, you guys can take it from there. No need to “prove” anything, exchange personal info. etc. Just keep talking and developing that friendship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Mavis!
What if you put together a care package for him and just dropped it off at his doorstep (don’t try and see him)?
You can leave a little note saying, “I know your project is due this week, so I thought maybe these things might help you get through this week a little bit easier.” Maybe leave him some pretzels for snacking on, some coffee beans, maybe look up some good brain foods and give him some of those….just create a little basket full of goodies.
I would just ignore your comment for right now. He is under some serious pressure right now, so acknowledging what you said can just wait. You can talk about it eventually and just let him know you were having a troubling moment and that you actually didn’t really mean it. You can keep it light and simple and don’t make it a big deal. You can show him more through your ACTIONS what you really meant. But again…just wait until he gets through this week and see what happens….you may not need to talk about it.
If you don’t want to do a little goodie basket, you can always just send a supportive text like, “Hey…I know this week is intense for you. Sending you a lot of good vibes!!!”
Keep is short, sweet and super simple!!!
What do you think?
Heidi
