Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Ulandi!
Wow….he is really confused. It sounds like you pegged him really well. He has a big void inside and he fills it with attention from women. Will this change? Maybe…maybe not. Who knows. What is important and CRUCIAL is that if you do decide to pursue him, you accept him for he is RIGHT NOW. He has every right to live his life how he wants / needs to. If you have trouble with that…on any level, those are the challenges you need to face within yourself if you are going to stay, or you move on and find someone more like-minded. So…if you do get him back, this behavior will continue. Are you going to be okay with that?
You said that you need to find that guy again that you fell in love with….this IS him. This has always been a part of him, you just didn’t see it. That is why taking things slowly is important. It takes TIME to see ALL sides to someone. I always coach people by teaching that you never really know / love someone until you have seen them in their worst. That will tell you whether or not the relationship has the qualities to sustain and move forward…or not. What is so difficult about that, is people get really attached before they see the worst side to someone, because it takes time. Then they see that worst side and discover it is not okay for them….now they have a battle….i.e. “I love him AND I cannot tolerate how he treats me when he is stressed” And they believe that if the guy just changed that behavior, everything would be okay…so they make all kinds of investments, read books, try different techniques all in efforts to change the guy. Problem is, the guy is the only one who can change the guy. It has to be a journey HE takes and is interested in taking…to do the healing that is causing the problem in the first place.
Your guy does not see a problem. He wants to point the finger at you….and he gets to. It will justify his behavior so he can continue forward. So now you have a choice….choose to fight for a guy who blames you and is not interested in changing or growing WITH you….or you let him go.
You are confused as to why he could spend 2 hours saying all the right things, then pull back a day later. Words are just words….ALWAYS! It’s important that the words are there, but it is also important that the actions are there as well for those words to have meaning. In the moment, I’m sure he meant all of that. He either is a player (and a very good one) and you are part of his addiction, or he is split….meaning he has 1 side really wanting to love you and commit to you and another side who doesn’t. Depending on which side is in the driver’s seat at the time, is who you will experience. Either way…you are dealing with a guy who is a big mess. The reasons don’t matter. All that matters is that you get very clear about what you are willing to deal with. THIS IS WHO HE IS….do you still want to fight for him and get him back, without trying to change him?
Heidi
Hi Ulandi,
I am so sorry to hear about what is happening. It really hurts!
I do have some concerns here that I would like to talk with you about. First, you guys went down the relationship path VERY fast. That is always a red flag for me. When people move really fast, that many times can be a symptom of some underlying issues that won’t show up until later on down the road. Many times, the faster you move, the odds of crashing and burning are really high…as you are now experiencing. My other concern is that you are calling him the man of your dreams, yet it he is lying to you and connecting with other women inappropriately. I imagine that would not be a part of the “man of your dreams.” I imagine you would want a guy who is honest, who is able to be honest about his feelings and whatever he is dealing with. I am wondering why he is talking to 3 other women about your relationship.
He is correct though. You cannot tell him what he can and cannot do. That is like being his mother and most people will rebel against that type of control….as you are now finding out.
Here is the thing….there is a reason he is lying and talking to other women. What is that reason? It’s one thing to ask him to stop, but reality is, it does not change “why” he is doing that in the first place. There is something that is going on for him, that he would making those kinds of choices. Have you guys talked about that at all? Did he mention he was unhappy at all? Did he say how he was feeling about the relationship???
It’s important to understand what is REALLY happening if you are going to get him back. And even if you do get him back, SOMETHING has to change if you guys are going to keep growing together. Otherwise, he will continue this type of behavior.
So let’s start with focusing on the core of the issue and then work from there. Let us know your thoughts!
Hang in there! We will go step by step through this with you!
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
I love that list you are going to make! I call it the “non-negotiable” list….what you cannot live without in a relationship. I find this to be the most important area to be absolutely clear about. Over time, what is on my list has changed as I have changed. It’s important to really test those things out as well. I used to feel “I had to have a guy who was athletic” but now it’s “I have to have a guy who is active” An athletic guy would be super cool, but I could be okay as long as he is active. So it’s important to define your needs to the VERY CORE.
Looking forward to your list!!!
Heidi
Man….I am so sorry. It’s heartbreaking!
This is turning out exactly as I theorized it would. He just never felt good enough for you. Reality is, he wasn’t. He is too “young” for you….not his age, but his level of development. Reality is, he is wonderful in so many ways AND he just does not have enough INSIDE self esteem to match you for something long term…..and all the judgement you had towards how it expressed itself (social media) would only destroy him, little by little, over time. This is nobody’s fault. You guys really gave it a good shot!! You both approach life very differently and that is the wall between you guys. That is one area in a relationship that needs to be similar and like-minded. If that area is too different, it causes a lot of separation and both parties feeling misunderstood and not known.
You guys have reached that point where your differences in how you handle life, view life, get your needs met, are getting in the way of feeling safe with each other. This was an appropriate decision.
I know it hurts though as you both had a really wonderful connection. When I had to let my last guy go, I really had to connect into the reality that my needs activated his low esteem AND I felt good about what my needs were. Therefore, letting him go meant that I was really caring about him and myself.
It’s a very brave and difficult and kind thing you are doing for both of you. I wish it could have been different.
Heidi
Hello!
Just wanting to check in and see how you are doing. How are you processing everything? Where are you at on everything? Have you guys talked at all? Are you still looking on his social media?
HeidiI find it soooo interesting that the cancer guy is wanting to date in the first place. Most people, I imagine, want to be surrounded by people they love, trust and know well. Trying to start a new relationship knowing your life could have a very soon expriation date…well…I don’t know….it’s just strange. I have thoughts about what would be driving him to do that, but I still find it curious. Do you have any thoughts about it?
I’m glad you are clear about sending him that message. It sounds like you really are moving forward, which is wonderful!!!
Keep us posted!
Heidi
Yes! Online dating takes internal strength and a good skill set. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Its awful! For future purposes, the very best thing you can do is not respond and get into an ego battle with someone like that. Simply state what you need to say and leave the conversation. The more you respond, the worse it gets, as you are now experiencing. So from now on, make sure you don’t respond to anything he says!!!!
I’m super glad you found someone likeminded! It feels so wonderful! Keep your eyes open and take things very slow! You guys have a ton of time to get to know each other, so the slower you go, the better!
Keep us updated! I’m excited for you!
Heidi
Hi Jayshree,
Wow….so it sounds like there is something definitely going on for him and that his love for you is buried beneath some very BIG things! I am not surprised he is shutting down and if it is being buried, he has not control over that. His protective mechanisms will kick into high gear and take him into survival mode. For men in particular, when they are in survival mode, most of them are HORRIBLE at being in relationship. Women tend to be different and more connective where men tend to shut down and disconnect. The more you try to connect and pull that love out of him, it most likely will have the opposite affect on him and cause him to pull away. If he has family that feel like “parasites” then imagine what that is like for him….being surrounded by people that are sucking the life from you and take from you without replenishing you. THEN add on having a girlfriend that is trying to pull on you as well. He has nothing to give! So his daily, friendly communication with you, I imagine, probably feels comforting as long as you stay away from the subject of romance with him. If you keep it light, easy and effortless for him, then it will help keep him connected to you and needing you. For right now, I would experiment with keeping the mindset of putting your needs on the backburner and just being there for him as he needs you. See what happens! This, of course, has a shelf life. Meaning, you can’t put your needs on the back burner for a long time, but for short periods of time, it definitely is possible. I would also keep mentioning to him that he needs to see a doctor….maybe even offer to go with him. If there is something going on with his brain, it may also explain what’s going on. Many times, if there is something happening in the brain, it can change how people feel, behave and even change their personality. I hope he will be willing to get it checked out. I know he may be afraid to find the answer, but not knowing is even worse. Then he lives with it every single day, being stressed out like crazy with no answer as to what’s happening. He needs to create some closure and get some answers.
I know you are not ready to do anything about the ex-husband living situation. I just want to say this to at least plant the seed and support what Kanya was saying earlier. She is spot on when she recommended getting really clear about the life you want to create and taking some time to really work on healing. I know you and your “husband” have an agreement and there is not emotion around him, but I am willing to bet $100 million dollars that there is more there than you even realize. I’m not saying romantic feelings, but other unresolved feelings. Getting a divorce is a big deal. There is an energetic imprint in the psyche for people when they get married as well as when they divorce. You have lived with it for so long that I guarantee you have adapted and have no clue how much it is influencing you. There was 1 study I remember reading about where they looked at what happened to people to had been together at least 10 years, then decided to get a divorce within 2 years of being married. As it turned out, the ceremony was a turning point. They theorized that if the couples had not gotten married, they would have stayed together. My point being is that “agreements” of any kind affect your life. I really want to invite you to create closure and create an official ending and find your own place to live. It will be so much more healthy for you and for any future relationship. As long as you are still married, you cannot fully and completely be with anyone else. Figure out the finances and make it happen. There is always a way as long as you want to make it happen.
Heidi
Hi Mavis!
There is not much to respond to. I’m glad he at least let you know he received the gifts and appreciates them! He, however, did not leave any sign of wanting to meet up or connect with you, so I would keep your response at about the same level. You still want him to initiate. I would just respond with something super simple like, “Your welcome! Hope you guys enjoy!” and just leave it at that. This, hopefully, will do 2 things. First, it is still giving him space and letting him take the lead when he is ready. Second, many times a guy will not respond to a lady for fear that he has opened a door to something he is not ready for. Meaning….if a guy responds and contacts the lady, a lot of times the lady will see that as an open door and push for more connection which the guy is not ready for yet….so he avoids contacting in the first place so he doesn’t have to deal with that. So if you just respond simple and not asking for anything from him, it will help him feel build more trust with you and help him feel more safe to continue contacting you because you are letting HIM take the lead. Hopefully that will be the result of all of this.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
Wow! so much has happened! You sound incredibly grounded and connected to yourself. Well done! Enjoy the dating sites. They can, at first, be VERY nourishing for the self esteem having a handful of people show interest. That feels sooooo wonderful, especially after having a guy who didn’t make much effort.Keep us a part of your journey as you continue dating and sifting through the online community. It can be a rough and tricky road, so we would LOVE to go along the ride with you!
I’m really proud of you for fighting for what you need in a relationship. It’s not easy. I’m sorry it didn’t work out, but happy you are choosing yourself.
Heidi
You have a lot to deal with. The HARDEST part when trying to make a decision like this, is the battle between your intuition, your brain and your heart….many times telling you very different things.
I understand your concern about the social media. It is an addiction and a way for him to feel good about himself. I am inclined to agree with you in that you are also part of that addiction. He is needing you to validate his self worth as well. I have no doubt there are other deeper feelings in there for him as well, but reality is….if this guy were to stay this way for the next 20 years and never really face himself and how empty he REALLY feels inside, you are signing up for a looooooong, dramatic road…this particular pattern will not go away. Even if he quit social media, he would have to find another avenue with which to feel validated, so it would be an endless cycle.
Love is not worth it. Tell the part of you that is reaching out for this “love” that is full of drama and lacks trust, that YOU will love her and take care of her and that she will be okay. A healthy love has safety, trust and honesty as part of it. A healthy love has 2 people who really care about how they affect each other. A healthy love has 2 people who are willing to face the depth of their fears and help each other through that. YOU are going to love her through her fear of letting this guy go, because he is not treating her heart as if it were the most precious thing on the face of this earth and she deserves nothing less than that. It’s nobody’s fault this is happening. It just is. He has some challenges he needs to face by himself and you are going to face some of your own challenges.
I get how hard this is. When my last guy and I broke up, it was the deepest heartbreak I have ever felt. I couldn’t eat for 2 weeks, I was constantly in tears and it hit a very deep space in my heart I had never felt before. Funny enough, our separation was soooo healthy and made perfect sense. He needed to go grow up and create his own life force instead of relying on my life force and vision for him. There is no way around the pain of separation when there is such a strong connection and love for someone. It’s just going to hurt. Anytime I wanted to go back, I just remembered what I would be doing to him if I did. Imagine if you stayed together for another 20 years and what it would look like. He will still have his social media addiction and you will turn into this nagging wife who is always telling him he needs to be more, he needs to care about your heart more, he needs to grow up etc. You will be miserable and slowly over time you will wear down his self esteem even more because he will keep disappointing you. I say all of this, because again….you need to imagine what life would be like if you were to 100% accept him for EXACTLY who he is today. Imagine nothing changes…and if you can live with that for 20 years and feel you could be utterly and completely happy with him….then go for it! If you can’t, release him now and let him find someone who is willing to take on the job of being his mother and sourcing him constantly with his self esteem.
There is no need to go into any detail whenever you guys talk again. DO NOT mention anything we are talking about. It is not your job to tell him or show him or help him realize how empty he really is and that social media is an addiction. It will just pull you guys into a conversation that is not really healthy for either of you. Leave him with some dignity and feeling good enough about himself. That will be the kindest thing you could do. Just keep it simple by saying, “I realized while you were gone that we are just on different pages as far as how we approach our lives”….and leave it at that. He may want to keep talking and want more explanation, but don’t get pulled into that. You want to honor how he lives his life by fully accepting who he is and letting him go.
Heidi
Hi Aysegul!
Holy smokes!!! This really sucks! OOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHH!
My perspective?? From what you have told me, nothing he is doing is that big of a deal. The one that caught my attention was the “i miss you” to the girl.
So let’s walk through this:
1. He is a social media junky. He LOVES the attention. So what that he is responding to ladies he doesn’t know. He is just get a quick fix from the attention and encouraging the attention by replying. It gets him more friends and more attention. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you or your value in his life. I imagine if he were to get attention like that from men, he would also reply to those comments. The problem you will run into with him is when you tell him you don’t like something and he takes down the comments. It has a flavor of you being the mom and he the boy who got his hand slapped, so he is going to fix it to make mom happy. Reality is, he is only taking those comments down because you don’t like it, not because he WANTS to do that. And that is a deeper issue here. YOUR deeper issue is that you have judgment about his social media addiction. You have not fully accepted nor embraced this part of him. So when he is around you, he may back off a bit, but now that he is on vacation, he is full force. You are seeing the REAL him and not liking it. So I want to ask you this….what is your judgment about it? Why does it bother you so much? What do you think it says about him that he is so involved with social media like that?
2. You broke it off over text. That’s a bummer. You had a really big reaction because you were already hurting and he turned around and did something not so smart. A red flag is definitely raised in my mind with the “I miss you” part. He really just may be a flirt and really addicted to attention from females. Again…this just leads back to him not having a lot of self esteem coming from the inside of who he is….and most of his self esteem coming from the outside….the females, the social media. It is sooooo strong that he did not even have any sense to care that you would see something like that and it might hurt you….and that you might end up misunderstanding it. He just seems VERY young in this department. He is kind of behaving like a kid who got to go on vacation away from his parents and he is getting all crazy!!! I have this sense (and no clue if this is accurate) that maybe you are just too much for him. You seem sooooo much more adult than him….and that he WANTS to be more adult and keeps trying…and you help bring that out in him….BUT he is not really ready. It’s seems like you are holding the “adult” vision of him, but he is just not ready to become that vision himself yet….he is not yet internalizing that vision. Does this make sense?
My main concern for you is that you are spending your time looking at his comments, posts, searching his social media…instead of living your life. There is a fundamental lack of trust on your end….even if the incident didn’t happen, my guess is, you would still be looking at his posts. Is this how you want to feel with a guy? Is this how you want to behave?
Is this a mistake??? Nope….even if you stayed, it wouldn’t be a mistake. Instead of looking at it like that…look at it like you have 2 paths to take…you chose one path for a bit and now you are hopping over to another path. BOTH paths have different experiences waiting for you. BOTH paths have lessons, gifts and opportunities for you to grow. A path is good….until it’s not. You were on 1 path…got more information and decided to step over the other path. Doing the “right thing” doesn’t always feel that way when you love someone. So many other emotions are involved, that it hardly is a clear picture unless something extreme happens, like what your last ex did to you.
So for now, I would suggest to just live with your current choice for a few weeks. It’s not to say you can’t change your mind again. But for now….let the emotions calm down, feel your life without him in it (while constantly telling yourself you are complete and hole JUST AS YOU ARE) and really work with all the emotions.
Not to say this can’t work with him eventually. It just seems like there is a lot of work (on your end) trying to make this last. Do you really want to work this hard? The poor guy is also working trying to meet your expectations and trying to be the adult that he isn’t yet. It just seems like a lot of work for both of you, yet the love was worth it….but maybe it’s not worth it anymore. I would like to see you with someone who is able to easily match you.
You come across as very grounded, centered, intelligent, reasonable….can you imagine being with a guy who is sooooo easy to be with??? Hardly any drama, incredible and effortless communication, a guy who can see deeeeep into who you are because he has traveled inside his own soul in very deep ways….a guy who so honors and respects you and cares deeply about you and has NOTHING stopping him from loving you….a guy who cannot imagine his life without you in it….a guy who is gentle….a guy who asks you a ton of questions because is so curious about you!!! From what I sense about you…this kind of guy is who would match you really well! What do you think?
Thank you again for sharing!!!
Heidi
Hi Aysegul!
Holy smokes!!! This really sucks! OOOOUUUUUCCCCCHHH!
My perspective?? From what you have told me, nothing he is doing is that big of a deal. The one that caught my attention was the “i miss you” to the girl.
So let’s walk through this:
1. He is a social media junky. He LOVES the attention. So what that he is responding to ladies he doesn’t know. He is just get a quick fix from the attention and encouraging the attention by replying. It gets him more friends and more attention. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you or your value in his life. I imagine if he were to get attention like that from men, he would also reply to those comments. The problem you will run into with him is when you tell him you don’t like something and he takes down the comments. It has a flavor of you being the mom and he the boy who got his hand slapped, so he is going to fix it to make mom happy. Reality is, he is only taking those comments down because you don’t like it, not because he WANTS to do that. And that is a deeper issue here. YOUR deeper issue is that you have judgment about his social media addiction. You have not fully accepted nor embraced this part of him. So when he is around you, he may back off a bit, but now that he is on vacation, he is full force. You are seeing the REAL him and not liking it. So I want to ask you this….what is your judgment about it? Why does it bother you so much? What do you think it says about him that he is so involved with social media like that?
2. You broke it off over text. That’s a bummer. You had a really big reaction because you were already hurting and he turned around and did something not so smart. A red flag is definitely raised in my mind with the “I miss you” part. He really just may be a flirt and really addicted to attention from females. Again…this just leads back to him not having a lot of self esteem coming from the inside of who he is….and most of his self esteem coming from the outside….the females, the social media. It is sooooo strong that he did not even have any sense to care that you would see something like that and it might hurt you….and that you might end up misunderstanding it. He just seems VERY young in this department. He is kind of behaving like a kid who got to go on vacation away from his parents and he is getting all crazy!!! I have this sense (and no clue if this is accurate) that maybe you are just too much for him. You seem sooooo much more adult than him….and that he WANTS to be more adult and keeps trying…and you help bring that out in him….BUT he is not really ready. It’s seems like you are holding the “adult” vision of him, but he is just not ready to become that vision himself yet….he is not yet internalizing that vision. Does this make sense?
My main concern for you is that you are spending your time looking at his comments, posts, searching his social media…instead of living your life. There is a fundamental lack of trust on your end….even if the incident didn’t happen, my guess is, you would still be looking at his posts. Is this how you want to feel with a guy? Is this how you want to behave?
Is this a mistake??? Nope….even if you stayed, it wouldn’t be a mistake. Instead of looking at it like that…look at it like you have 2 paths to take…you chose one path for a bit and now you are hopping over to another path. BOTH paths have different experiences waiting for you. BOTH paths have lessons, gifts and opportunities for you to grow. A path is good….until it’s not. You were on 1 path…got more information and decided to step over the other path. Doing the “right thing” doesn’t always feel that way when you love someone. So many other emotions are involved, that it hardly is a clear picture unless something extreme happens, like what your last ex did to you.
So for now, I would suggest to just live with your current choice for a few weeks. It’s not to say you can’t change your mind again. But for now….let the emotions calm down, feel your life without him in it (while constantly telling yourself you are complete and hole JUST AS YOU ARE) and really work with all the emotions.
Not to say this can’t work with him eventually. It just seems like there is a lot of work (on your end) trying to make this last. Do you really want to work this hard? The poor guy is also working trying to meet your expectations and trying to be the adult that he isn’t yet. It just seems like a lot of work for both of you, yet the love was worth it….but maybe it’s not worth it anymore. I would like to see you with someone who is able to easily match you.
You come across as very grounded, centered, intelligent, reasonable….can you imagine being with a guy who is sooooo easy to be with??? Hardly any drama, incredible and effortless communication, a guy who can see deeeeep into who you are because he has traveled inside his own soul in very deep ways….a guy who so honors and respects you and cares deeply about you and has NOTHING stopping him from loving you….a guy who cannot imagine his life without you in it….a guy who is gentle….a guy who asks you a ton of questions because is so curious about you!!! From what I sense about you…this kind of guy is who would match you really well! What do you think?
Thank you again for sharing!!!
Heidi
Hi Sandy,
I’m really glad you wrote in! Can you give us more detail? I have no idea how to guide you as I do not know what the situation is except that you love him and believe he still loves you in return. Here are some questions that may help us:
1. Why did you guys break up?
2. How long were you together?
3. Is he responsive at all? Are you guys talking at all?
4. Is the 12 word text the only technique you have used?
5. have you guys ever broken up before?Anything details along those lines will be really helpful!!!
Hang in there!
Heidi
Hi Barbara!
Wow! You are in a really tough situation. I am beyond elated to hear that this product helped you re-connect with your love and that you guys are back on track heading in a healthier direction.
You are asking a very good and interesting question! I want to offer a different perspective…and that is….you actually are not sharing his hero instinct with ANYONE! And here is why….you are a very unique and special person in his life. You hold his heart in your hands….JUST YOU!!! So YOU activating his hero instinct is going to create a very specific reaction inside of him. He is able to be a hero to the woman he loves! That is unique and special to you. His “dad” hero instinct gets activated by his daughter and his “Male / provider” hero instinct gets activated by his work and his “Keep the peace” hero instinct gets activated by his ex. They are all very different and unique! Your ability to activate that side in him is going to be worth a MILLION bucks compared to anyone else. Hero instinct with lovers is very powerful! So have at it!!!
I’m sorry you have to share his time and attentions. He has a lot to be afraid of, so the best thing you can do is accept that he is going to choose to fight for his daughter being in his life, any possible way that he can….even at the expense of you and him moving in together and creating a life together. For now, I imagine he does not see another way. Are you able to really embrace that and support his choice? He sounds pretty worth it to you….
Heidi
