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Wow! What an intense experience!!! Goodness! I can see why you have bonded with him deeply. Thinking about someone in particular during possible end of life moments is EXTREMELY bonding…even though you were not with him yet.
Wondering where your life went and what’s next, taps into our deepest fears of death. They are wonderful moments to work with. Go back to that hospital moment and rate it 1 to 10.
Then go re-create that hospital moment through a visualization. I do believe in a higher power, so I imagine a moment wrapped in light, giving my fears to God, breathing out the fear and breathing in the truth (the truth being, you are okay, you are enough, your life is exactly what it needs to be etc.). By re-creating the story, it can shift the programs running in your mind about those moments. Keep working with those moments until you get down to a zero. It will clear a lot of fear and be replaced by peace. My guess is, this will help tremendously with your fear about your current guy.
One of my favorite things to say is, “I choose goodness into restoring, renewing, refreshing and replenishing my mind, body and spirit now.”I invite the full force of goodness, truth, healing and peace into this moment.”
It may take a few times to change the energy and fear of those moments in the hospital, it may take only once. Again, keep working with it!!! It’s important because those moments would create a lack of trust in yourself….and trust in yourself, feeling safe in yourself is sooooo essential in life!!!
Thoughts???
Heidi
Hi Myrleen,
Thank you for writing in and using us as a resource for your research! I want to commend you for learning and caring enough to take further steps on how to be a better partner for him!! Well done!
Just a few questions:
1. How long have you been dating?
2. How did you meet?
3. Have you ever met him?
4. His response to your humor was getting upset? Angry type of upset? Or offended?The very first thing I want to remind you of, is that you ALWAYS must be yourself. Cultural difference or not, being yourself is not a faux pas!!! It’s just being yourself. I guarantee he wasn’t thinking, “I should change my reaction to her humor because I need to learn how to be more American!” It is soooo crucial that yes, you learn and understand cultural differences, but that you DO NOT lose who you are in the process. Love can only last if BOTH people are able to fully enjoy, accept and embrace full authenticity of each other. Italian men are not typically big on having deep conversations about emotions. They tend towards the very strong male energy where they just want things to be fixed without the journey into deep emotions to fix them. Every guy is different though, so maybe you would be willing to ask him about it? If you guys are online and not talking over the phone, then it’s also possible to mis-read a reaction on either end.
What are your thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Cristina!
Man….I am so sorry you have been cheated on so many times. It really can ruin trust and feeling safe with a man. My first suggestion is to really work on letting go of the past. Your HUGE reaction is all because of things that happened before he came along and he paid the price for the choices of other guys. I don’t know what you said or did, but it seemed to have really broken trust on his end and re-consider his thoughts about you. Jealousy can be a deal breaker for many people. I know it is for me. That is why I really want to invite you to go the extra mile and face your fears and face the hurt from your past. You can say all you want, that it will never happen again and that you are so sorry, but truth is….that’s not true. It will happen again as long as you don’t deal with all of those fears hurts. Those fears and hurts are big walls between you and another man. As long as those walls exist, it will always limit your ability to love deeply and fully. If he is going to trust you again, I think the best way to approach it, is to SHOW him you are going to take action to work on this part of yourself. You care about him that much and you never want to put him through that again and mostly….you HATE feeling that way….so you are going to get help and you are going to fix it. I highly recommend finding a coach or therapist to work with if you can. It’s sooooo amazing to have a skilled person walk you through all those areas of uncharted territory in order to find deep healing. If that is not possible for you, at the very least, start reading some books and following spiritual teachers that resonate with you. Brene Brown is one of my favorites! Here is a video that is so wonderful!
I don’t know how you apologized, but something to this affect is usually pretty powerful:
“Listen…I just wanted to really say that I’m so sorry for reacting that way. You did not deserve to pay the price for the decisions of other guys from my past. It’s simply not fair. I know I am jealous and very insecure. After treating you that way, I really realized it is time for me to face these things inside myself and heal. I understand that I broke trust with you and maybe you will never fully give me a chance again. I hope you do as I care for you and love you and do not want to lose you. I am messy sometimes and I would love to have you work through those things WITH me. I want you to know that I am going to start reading some books, listening to…..going to a seminar….all to help me with this issue and other issues as well. I don’t want to treat you or anyone else like that again. And mostly, I don’t want to feel that way anymore. It is so uncomfortable and horrible. I just wanted you to know that.”
When you apologize and then show that you are taking ACTION and are going to be actively fixing it, it helps TREMENDOULSY for the other person to feel hopeful with you.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Elizabeth!
First off, I want to commend you for not giving up! It sounds like you are trying all kinds of options and that is wonderful!
This is a tuffy though. It’s hard to catch someone’s attention in the middle of a workout or crossing paths at a grocery store. This is actually such a common question though!! For both men and women! How do you approach a complete stranger??? Well….it all really depends on the situation. I met a guy at a grocery store once! We made eye contact and I smiled….kept shopping and then made sure to cross his path again and smile again. For men, the most important thing to do is, is to let them know they will NOT get rejected if they want to come talk to you. So flashing those pearly whites or keep making eye contact with them totally sends the flirty signal that you see them and like them. It will help them feel confident approaching you. The guy I met seemed a bit shy, so I ended up walking up to him while he was picking out some crackers and made a recommendation for him. So I helped break the ice and start a conversation and he took it from there. You gotta find ways to help a guy feel safe to talk with you and that you will be friendly. I’ve done that MANY times and the guy still doesn’t approach as well. That’s okay! He may be already taken or he may be super shy (which isn’t my type anyways) so I trust the process. I throw out the signals and it’s up to him to follow through.
Does this give you an idea of how to go about it? For the ladies, our job is to be flirty and get noticed and then the guy’s job is to approach and take the lead…so we have the easy part actually.
Heidi
Hi Darla!
Give it some time! That’s awesome that you are trying some new sex moves!!! He may not have mentioned it, as it takes some time for trust to be built with the counselor. Talking openly about your sex life is just not something people do, so I honestly wouldn’t think much about it. You both need some time to get to know your counselor and establish trust and safety and to know your counselor will not take sides.
You have soooo many years under your belt together. He is FINALLY making some efforts by going to the counselor and now filling out the questionnaire. That is a HUGE change!!! I know it’s not all that you want from him, but it is at least start and a sign that he is willing to work on things. So take a breath and don’t make any decisions or ultimatums yet. Let him settle into this idea first and trust the process. You will have your chances to say all the things you need to say with the counselor. So don’t go anywhere yet!!!! He IS improving, even though it’s not all that you want…he still is taking a step towards growth.
So what can you do to help yourself through this? What is he NOT giving you that you can give to yourself. Learn how to meet your own needs when he is not able to offer you what you need. That will help you find more patience. So what ideas do you have that can help you right now?
Heidi
p.s. I am super proud of you! You are doing a great job!
Hi Jayshree!
Wow! This is completely shocking for you!!! I am sooooo sorry you are going through this! It’s horrible and confusing!
Let’s see if we can help you figure this out….I have some questions:1. Why was your relationship secret for 5 years?
2. Is there anything happening for him that is extra stressful for this past season? Difficult finances, family troubles, job challenges??
3. How has your relationship been? Is there anything you guys consistently argued about or anything he consistently complained about with you?
4. How old is he?
5. Do you guys communicate well together?
6. Is there a possibility or signs or him being interested in anyone else?
7. How was your sex life together?This type of information will help us guide you better. The more details you offer, the better! Any info. that you feel that could be contributing to what is happening for him, will help us!
Heidi
Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep breathing, one day at a time!
Oh my goodness!!! You kick ass! You are handling all of this with him with such grace and respect. You are a rare bird Aysegul! I’m glad you are getting away. It may help to get some perspective and heal a bit.
So I’m curious. What is looping around in your head that most where you get stuck? Whenever we have really challenging moments, there will be moments of those memories that we keep replaying over and over again in our minds. Those are the moments that hold the key to the biggest pain. And that is the place to start to do some really DEEP healing. All the other details of the memories etc…can just be ignored. Just watch which specific things that were said, keep looping around in your mind.
I would love to hear where you are stuck if you wanna share!
You are doing a wonderful job!!!
Heidi
Hi Vanessa!
Dating can be soooo difficult! “Why” is the most common question I get from my clients. So many people send mixed messages and cause so much confusion for the person on the receiving end. I can offer my best educated guess, but reality is, you will probably never know the real answer. It’s very normal to ask the “why” question as that is our mind trying to create closure and understand the situation better, in hopes it might hurt less. What I like to invite my clients to do is to consider NOT answering that “why” question. When you don’t have someone who is authentic and able to answer that why question for you, it’s important to develop the skill to create the resolution all on your own.
So one thing I always ask someone is: does it really matter “why”? A lot of times, it doesn’t. What matters is what the end result is. The end result for you, is that you have a guy who is not really fighting for you. Yes, he is responding AND he isn’t. Being that this is a new guy, I wouldn’t recommend spending any more energy trying to understand him. All you need to know is that he is not putting forth enough effort to keep things going. There is something missing. If it’s already this hard and confusing IN THE VERY BEGINNING, can you imagine down the road??? So when you start to travel down the rabbit hole of “why”, answer that question by saying “It doesn’t matter. There is not enough going on to keep investing in this. It’s over.” Free yourself and create closure.
I know it’s very common for people to say “It’ll happen when you least expect it” or “You’ll find someone when you’re not looking.” haha! I’ve heard that a million times as well. My goal is to always feel very peaceful being alone. Whenever I am craving connection and craving to fall in love and it’s driving me to actively look, I know I am out of balance. I am seeking something outside of myself to make me feel better because something is missing inside….and so the journey to inside begins…looking for what I am missing. It’s when I feel complete, not attached to finding anyone, peaceful and content with my life, that I date the most…..or not….it doesn’t really matter to me. Either way, I’m happy to experience whatever life brings my way.
I want to encourage you to really connect with and work with those limiting belief patterns where you get stuck with guys. Being single is the PERFECT time to really dissect what is causing you to take things so personally or why you tend to move fast etc. When you work on those aspects of yourself, then how and who you date changes with you! It’s wonderful!
What do you think??
Heidi
Hi Korina!
True love shows up in so many different forms. You will never love someone in the same way again. Love is like a tree. There are branches that grow and represent our love for someone. If the relationship ends for whatever reason, the branch dies off. It doesn’t necessarily fall of the tree as it is a part of the tree forever. Then one day someone new comes a long and another branch will begin to grow. This branch will have a different shape, different size, different look to it and it will be as unique as every other branch on your tree…all valuable, all a part of you, all important….ALL DIFFERENT.
So in your future, of course you can love someone intensely again. When you completely heal from your ex, your heart will open again in a different way and be ready to receive another experience of love. I know that is hard to imagine at the moment. It’s nothing you have to worry about at the moment. Right now, your focus needs to be on yourself and healing from your ex and really clearing him out of your life, your heart, your mind, your emotions. That is going to take some time….not a fun process, but a necessary one. You can do this!
Heidi
Hi Darla!
Okay! You are getting more wonderful information about what is happening! What I LOVE most about what you are doing is that you are living your life anyways. You want to learn how to dance and you are not waiting for him to say yes, so you are going anyways. You have an appointment with a counselor which is wonderful!!! If he doesn’t go, he sure is missing out, but you go anyways!! He unloaded about on you about your complaining and you have immediately shifted into being more positive with him! He is sooooo lucky to have you! It’s going to take some time. He already is showing you new patterns in his behavior, so hold tight. Keep doing what you are doing. Keep learning, keep appreciating him and going to this counselor can be wonderful as you will learn more skills about how to be a better partner with him.
I am just beaming with a huge smile right now that this is the path you are choosing. Well done!!!
I’d love to keep getting updates from you! Keep us in the loop as we will always have ideas for you to try or even just support you in the ways that you need!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
Wow! I LOVE your update! I am seriously proud of you! It is NOT EASY what you have gone through…and it is NOT EASY to keep perspective the way you are. Well done!!!
Yes! Always keep learning! There is sooooo much I want to teach you right now, but I think I’ll just stick with 1 concept for the moment and we can go from there.
First, I want to share with you the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is what your head knows….wisdom is what your heart knows. Wisdom is knowledge put into action. You know how you can KNOW that cheesecake is going to pack on the weight and not be a healthy thing for your body and therefore, it’s not a good idea to have it as part of your regular diet. But knowing that does not mean that you will make that choice. Your ex knows that drinking is taking him down a dark path, but it doesn’t change that he is going down that path anyways. He knows, but that knowledge has not shifted into wisdom for him yet.
I have seen it over and over again….people trying to “fix” their limitations / patterns by reading a lot and learning a lot. Learning is definitely an essential part of the process, but only the first half…and usually the easiest part. The 2nd half is taking that knowledge and turning it into wisdom….and when it gets to the wisdom stage….you ARE the information vs. knowing the information. Here is a personal example….I used to REALLY be defined by how much attention I was getting from the guys. So if a guy rejected me, know showed on a date, didn’t give me attention, my self esteem would feel strong effects from that. I KNEW, 100% that it was unhealthy what I was doing, that my self esteem needed to come from the inside and not the outside and that the only way to REALLY shift was to work on the deep negative beliefs. So…over time, I kept clearing and looking at, and working with my coach to remove those negative beliefs and replace them with the truth. NOW….thank goodness….I have soooo much more INTERNAL self esteem and male attention, whether I get it or not, does not define me. NOW…I AM the information I knew back then. I don’t even have to convince myself or remind myself of those truths. I just AM the truth.
Another more simple example is I can explain to you how to make the MOST AMAING chocolate chip cookies in the world!!! I can tell you how they taste, the textures, the process of making them and you can learn and know how to make them. But until you taste one, smell one, feel one….you really won’t have a clue. So knowing (knowledge) how to make the cookies is the first step (learning) and then making the cookies is the 2nd step and then tasting (knowledge has now turned into wisdom) them is the final step.
Haha! Does what I am saying make sense??? I’m saying this because all of this learning becomes more powerful when you can deepen it by becoming the information and shifting from places deep in your soul. How do you do that? Honestly, everyone is different. I found a coach that is brilliant and quickly helps me get to those places. Other people go to workshops, follow certain teachers and their lessons, meditation, yoga, reiki bodywork, etc. There are so many healing methods out there and I personally try all of them! all the time! I do have my coach that I go to when I am dealing with some very deep rooted patterns, but I am also following up with the other healers who help me in a very different way. So my suggestion is to find people to help you! Having other people’s perspectives, techniques, guidance can make a HUGE difference in your path!!!
What do you think about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Aysegul!
Okay then! All you need to know is that in this moment, you still want to move forward with him. Be careful though. I know you are saying he is the least risky of the guys you have dated. I’d hate to see you settle just because of your current situation. Just because he is the least risky, it does not mean he is a good choice. I personally would rather be alone than to settle. I know you guys have a very strong connection and chemistry and that is nearly impossible to fight against. When something is that strong, no matter how big the red flags are, people will move forward anyways. I get it!
You have a journey you want to keep taking with this guy and so there are many things for you to still learn from him. Take it one day at a time and see what ends up showing up for you. I would like to suggest to NOT make a timeline. When we start to put timelines on when someone needs to say or do things like say “I love you” it doesn’t allow for someone to get to that space on their own. He has a lot of baggage from his past. He needs to choose to face it or not face it and you need to let him have that be his process in his own timing.
I want to really suggest that you take your focus off of whether he can say “I love you”….or not….and focus on just continuing to get to know each other. Develop the friendship, keep having those deep conversations, keep watching yourself and your own reactions about him and the areas you have not forgiven and are still holding onto. If growth is your focus with him, you will find MANY ways you have grown together….and maybe the “i love you” won’t matter as much.
What do you think about this?
Heidi
Hi Vanessa!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing! Any new thoughts? Any new dates? Are you getting more grounded in maybe practicing taking things a lot slower?
We would love and update!!!!
Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any new updates? How are you processing everything that has happened? You doing okay?
We would love and update!!!
Heidi
