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Hi Darlene,
Just because he is flirting, DOES NOT MEAN he is single. If a guy is feeling a connection, chemistry, attraction….woman at home or not, he most likely will respond and struggle quite a bit inside. More often than not, when there is that much connection and the guy walks away, he is taken already. He is just being a guy responding to a woman who inspired him. I know PLENTY of happily married couples who have gotten attention from someone else and there is an exchange of wonderful chemistry, flirting etc. and it’s just a moment in time. It doesn’t always mean someone is unhappy or looking to cheat…it can really just mean 2 people have a connection that is just there and it stays where it started. Maybe that is what happened with you guys. Who knows though…I could totally be wrong. I wouldn’t take it personally. He responded but didn’t follow through and like you said, it’s a pretty wonderful feeling to get to be the prize. It’s not egoist to want to be chased. It is the very natural order of how men and women have interacted for centuries! It shows up in many different formats, but bottom line, men love to chase and women love being chased and that’s that…no right or wrong about it. It’s just how we are made.
And yes, flirting can be soooo much fun! It’s such a special form of communication and brings out a lot of wonderful feelings. Keep practicing!
This is GREAT information! Thank you for sharing more! I have a lot to say about this, but bottom line, with all the perspective I give you, if there is anything you really come to terms with, it’s that this is who he is and it is CRUCIAL that you accept this about him. Can he change and evolve over time? Yes…will he? Who knows. Will he evolve enough to make you more comfortable? Who knows. What is important is who he is NOW. You choose him and accept him for EXACTLY who he is. You can recognize his areas where there are limitations and work on them with him of course…and that’s about all you can do. If you happen to be thinking, “I want him to change” in any sort of way…then you are doing him and yourself a did-service. I don’t get that sense from you, but I just wanted to say that just in case that type of thought might be floating around in your mind somewhere.
So the best way to really get what is happening for him, is to know this simple, fundamental truth about everyone….Our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses. It’s one of the easiest ways to really know what you are getting into with someone….look at their strengths and know there is also a “darker” side to them. For example, I am very good at communicating and understanding the dynamics in situations that more hidden. It’s what helps me be an effective coach for people. AND….the top complaint from past boyfriends is that I tend to always “over analyze” and “over talk” when struggles show up. So your guy is very social, has a high need to be a part of groups and thrives off of attention. This has served him VERY well in his life. It’s a “winning formula” for him. I imagine coming across you, he is having a deeper experience that is new for him….and I imagine a bit uncomfortable as well. Give him some time. He is also young, so there is still a lot of life learning to do.
I get that you feel a bit of pressure. I would like to invite you to think about just letting that go. It is not your job, on any level, to make him feel secure and happy. That is his job. Compliment him, appreciate him, dote on him when YOU feel inspired. Do not get caught up in the trap of losing his attention if you don’t do it enough. If you start that cycle, you will teach him to become dependent on YOU for his self esteem and that is a formula for disaster! Instead, help teach him there are OTHER ways to get self esteem. For example, maybe you could say something like, “I have really been thinking about facing a habit of mine that is not super healthy for me. I was reading this article the other day about how bad coffee can be. So I’m thinking I want to start by just giving it up for 5 days and see what happens. It’s such a hard thing for me to do, so I thought what might help is to have a little competition with you, if you wanna play. You give up something that you are addicted to for a week. If we make it, we go out and celebrate! If one of us loses, the winner gets a 30 minute foot rub, with breakfast in bed of their favorite breakfast.” The idea here is, you lead him into doing something that will deepen his connection with himself. Maybe he can give up facebook for a week or something. Whatever he chooses, it will require impulse control and when he develops that more and more, he lives his life more as an adult vs. a child. This is just one idea and I think you will get the concept. He is going to need you to lead him into deeper places of himself as most guys don’t quite know how to get there themselves….so being that you are older and more developed, you can be his role model. Make sure you don’t teach though (one of my strengths AND weaknesses…lol).
How does all of this make you feel? I still have more to say, but just want to see how this feels for you first.
Heidi
Hi Vanessa,
I feel ya! Your story is a VERY common story actually when it comes to the online dating thing. If you have not really done the online dating thing before, brace yourself! It is rollercoaster ride. It has nothing to do with you! Many common experiences are just like yours. Keep perspective here. The guy you went on a date with is most likely also talking to other girls at the same time and going on other dates as well. Sure, you have a lot of fun with each other and there was chemistry, but maybe on another night he went out with another girl that he happened to like a little more. People that have been online dating for awhile typically are going on 2-3 dates per week. I won’t get into what that does to a person. What is most important to remember is that you are valuable and worth getting to know, even if these guys who have let you down, didn’t fight for you. Your low self esteem is being activated by this guy not responding and that is where online dating can be a great gift for anyone! There is a lot of rejection, disappointment and mishaps, so it gives people a lot of practice to strengthen (or become more bitter and shut down) their inner self esteem and work with the parts of themselves that are fragile. We all have strong parts of our self esteem and not so strong parts. Dating online exposes both!
May I suggest a different approach to dating online? I like to coach people to focus on developing certain skills they need to strengthen for relationships. So maybe you need to practice setting boundaries? Or maybe you need to practice certain kinds of communication? Or practice being more authentic? There are soooo many things to focus on, so pick something that you feel needs an extra boost. Pick an areas that you tend to be uncomfortable with. However, I really only suggest online dating when someone feels more solid. There have been times I’ve had clients recovering from a breakup and they want to go online and it’s the WORST time to do it because they are in a fragile state. Online dating can be very frustrating and confusing, so make sure you are really ready to take all that comes along, but still keep your spirits high!
I would suggest waiting it out with this guy. You want the guy to make the initiative. You want him to be inspired to make plans with you again. So if you back off and just see what he does all on his own, you allow him to take the lead. Still be flirty and connective with him, but let him ask you out. AND….I would also suggest to make other plans for the night you guys talked about. Let’s say you guys talked about a Friday date and it’s Thursday and he hasn’t finalized anything with you, do not be available. If he finally asks to finalize Friday evening, you can say, “Oh shoot! I’m so sorry! You never really finalized anything with me, so I made other plans. I would love to see you again though. I do have next Friday available if you would like to plan something.” And leave it at that! It helps teach him first, that you are not going to wait around and you have a life and second, you are not available at his whim, so he needs to plan better if he is going to see you. It will also activate his need to chase you a bit. If you say yes to whatever he wants, then there is no struggle for him. He needs to struggle a bit for you.
How does all of what I am saying feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Darlene!
This is a great question! I don’t know that I would advise you to have done anything different. That repair man could have been married or already taken and that’s why he didn’t ask for your info. He also may have gotten in trouble considering you were a customer. Who knows. The best you can do is flirt, offer eye contact, smile that special smile and the ball is in the guy’s court. If he doesn’t pick up the slack and ask you out, in my opinion, he is not worth it. If a guy can’t do anything with the signals I send and I know he feels / sees, I trust it is just meant to be that way. That is my perspective of course. Others might tell you to write your number down or take it one step further in some way, where the guy doesn’t have to ask for your number…you somehow get it to him. Again…I like a guy who is willing to chase. I like a guy who is willing to initiate…so being that this guy didn’t initiate, regardless of the chemistry, my guess is he is not available. It sounds like you did a really wonderful job sending the signals and there is nothing more you could have done.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Latisha,
I just wanted to respond to your response to my suggestions. One of things that qualifies someone like Kanya or me is having been exactly where you are at right now. It’s how we can offer guidance and certain skills because we have had to use them on ourselves. I’m so sorry if you felt I was asking you to flip a switch. There is no way that is possible when love is involved. I was offering a skill of re-programming your mind. You have created and imagined a certain life with this guy for quite awhile. You have invested a lot of energy into him and daily thinking. So the skill is not about flipping a switch and all of a sudden not loving him anymore and moving on. Man…can you imagine if it were that easy??? It’s about no longer allowing your mind to connect into thoughts about him. The more you think about him and allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole, the longer you stay disillusioned. So this particular skill helps keep you grounded in the present. Imagine you were parent and had to move to another state. You pack up your kid, the house etc and hop in the car and begin your new adventure. Your child is going to cry, be mad, miss their friends, their life etc. As a parent, you are going to listen, however you are also going to tell your child you will be okay. That life is over now and you are going to create a wonderful new life with new friends. Of course it doesn’t make the feelings go away, but what it does is ground your child in the present and not the past and that’s why it’s important to say it over and over and over again. Keep reminding yourself of what is and not what was. I don’t know if this explanation gives you any more meaning for the technique, but I thought I’d at least give it a shot.
I’m glad to hear that your focus is on you and you are doing what you can to clear out any memories that would trigger you. I’ve gotten a box before and just put everything in it and put it out of site before. I’ve forgotten about it and then months later come across that stuff and was happy how much I had healed as I wasn’t triggered anymore. Do what you need to do to help yourself get through this very difficult time.
Keep talking us! There are a million ideas we have to help you through this time.
Heidi
Hi Kim!
So glad you are reaching out and learning more and more about how to understand him and how to be a better partner. Who knows if he is in the pull away phase. He went on a sailing trip with his friends, so you don’t really have enough of him “pulling away” type of behavior to know that is the phase he is in. Don’t jump to any conclusions yet. You have sent 3 messages so make sure to not send anymore. Wait until he gets back. Wait until he contacts you and initiates with you. Don’t ask to see him or anything!!! Give him all the space to re-connect with you and chase you a bit.
When does he get back?
Heidi
Hi Darlene,
I get it. It is BS. You can look back all you want and see how you or him could have done things differently. That is something everyone on the face of the earth can do. It’s just about being human and working through all of that crap…something he is not ready to do.
I expect it’s gonna take awhile for you to really let him go. It helps if you every time you think about him, you program your mind and re-design by saying “It’s over and I am okay.” You have to keep telling yourself that it is over or you will keep holding onto hope…something that can really create a lot of stagnation for you. If you found him, you can come across someone else that it will feel easy with. It IS possible….it may take another 5 or 6 years, but that’s okay! You keep growing and learning and facing your fears along the way so that you can attract a healthier man who is available for you….and is EASY!!!!
But for right now, take really good care of yourself. Bubble baths, flowers all around the house, manis/pedis, massages….do whatever you can to comfort yourself and nourish yourself and put a lot of wonderful / nourishing vibes into your life. YOur heart is broken and YOU are the one who needs to mend it. It’s gonna take some time and you will have many ups and downs for sure, but keep on the path with your focus on healing and loving yourself through this. This time right now is really crucial for you to strengthen your ability to be resilient in a healthy way!
I’d love for you to share everything you end up doing for yourself. A lot of ladies here are dealing with breakups, so anything you share is helpful!!!
Heidi
Hi!
Thank you for the update! A lot has happened and heading in a wonderful direction! I am sooooo glad to hear this! This is big improvement!
In regards to the social media, it is a sign of narcissism. Someone who posts that much and thrives off the attention, is someone who has a high need for attention and building of their self esteem. Most likely, his internal self esteem is on the lower end, therefore he has to make up for that by getting attention from the outside. This is very common for younger people to define their identity this way as it’s how everyone these days tend to connect. Hopefully this is something he will grow out of….as he develops more self esteem from his inside connection to himself, the need for outside support will not have as much power. He also might have a personality similar to an actor…they have a strong need to entertain and be in the lime light….it’s how they are built. Regardless….I understand it’s annoying. Have you ever gotten curious about his mindset about it? It may be helpful to understand HIS reasoning for it….you could ask “I noticed you are always posting your life. It’s not something I have ever been able to understand because I tend to be a lot more private. So I actually am really curious about why you post so much. I’d like to understand what you get from it. It’s interesting to me.” Or…you could just not say anything and then help him develop his inner self esteem over time. Reading books, deep conversations, all your appreciation and support….all those things can contribute to him getting stronger in a healthy way.
As far as his need to put friends first, again….you could ask him about his perspective in a way that just shows you are curious…not challenging him. You could say something like, “I notice your friends are really important to you. It seems you will drop anything and everything for them in a second. Have you always been like that? What is your definition of a friend? Do your friends do the same thing for you? Out of curiosity, I know with the ladies, it’s very easy to lose them as a friend when a guy comes into the picture. Is it the same with your friends?” Maybe just start that conversation and keep it light and with the intention that you are just wanting to get to know him better.
I have a feeling the social media / friends first thing is the same exact issue. He may have this “I don’t want to miss out” kind of thinking that is really driving him to want to be involved with everything that is happening. He may really thrive off of having several friends and wanting / needing to be involved in all aspects. You are just one person which is a very different thing. He may not view being with you the same as being with friends…a wonderful shared experience. He just may need A LOT of different people to be involved with. Some of it is most likely a personality kind of thing, but for some reason, I also get a sense that there could be some “panic” of sorts intertwined in his emotions if he doesn’t stay completely involved with everything that is going on. Which means, of course, there is some underlying issue driving his very high need for attention / being involved. So that’s why I would suggest to get curious about him and ask him questions here and there about it…and the deeper the question you ask, the deeper he will hopefully go with his answers and connection to himself and realize that being with you is just as valuable and important that being around his friends. It has nothing to do with you….he would do this to any lady he is with. This is about him.
Does all of this make sense? What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
Thank you for sharing all of your wonderful and vulnerable experiences. You are doing a great job! You are reading, you are letting your friends help you and you are not giving up on life.I want to quickly address something you said. You said you thought you had good self esteem, but realized you didn’t. You are both. We all are both. We are like swiss cheese. We have parts of us solid and parts of us that we are missing where our low self esteem lives. I think that’s why I have studied love for so long. It exposes all those areas…where we are solid and where we have holes. Those times we struggle and feel bad about ourselves is the time where we can connect to those beliefs that keep us limited and heal and start to fill up those holes. It is a life long process! So be kind to yourself!
This is a technique I LOVE. Take your right hand and rub it over your heart area on your chest in circles while saying, “It’s okay to be okay to be me and more than (this pain, this hurt, this anxiety etc….just fill in the blank) and be happy, be free, be at peace.” Say it over and over and over again. Sometimes in 1 day I may say it 100 times, but every single time I use this technique, by the end of the day, my energy has shifted from the heavier emotions to something lighter. Give it a try!
Keep going Sharlene. You are heading in the right direction towards healing!
Heidi
I understand all of your wondering. Some of his responses would lead anyone to think that there are some feelings there. I imagine there are, but even if he does have feelings for you, they are not strong enough to inspire him to move forward again with you.
So it’s time to not “wonder” anymore. The answers don’t matter. They are very insignificant details. So when you wonder why about this or that…again, you stop yourself and just answer those questions floating around in your head with “it’s over” and turn your attentions elsewhere. Over and over you need to do this. The more you allow yourself to wonder, the emotional attachments will stay strong and it’s time for you to break those and move on. Let go of the story you created with him and imagine yourself free of him and open and available for someone else in your future.
Heidi
Hi Darlene,
Oh man! I am so sorry!!! I get why it’s so hard. He said, many times, some really wonderful things to you that would make you feel safe and likeminded about building a future together…then one day he pulls the rug out from under you. Something is happening for him and from what he said, it has nothing to do with you.
Here is something to REALLY understand about men. Men are driven and have their self esteem wrapped around their ability to produce and provide in life. For women, it’s all about relationship and connection. 2 very different things that drive us. It’s one of the amazing things that help men and women co-exist AND it also is what causes a lot of problems as well. Over and over I have coached women on dealing with men who just can’t be in a relationship when their life, their ability to produce is threatened, beyond challenging etc. Men have THE HARDEST TIME being in and / or building a romantic relationship when that part of their life is not settled. It sounds like that is just the case for you guys. He is so overwhelmed and trying to make you happy is something he is not able to handle any longer. If he were a woman, the relationship would be nourishing and helping, but being a guy, it’s another thing to “take care of.”
I know it’s not fair as it sounds like you have been really supportive and doing everything you could to help him and it still didn’t turn out. Sometimes, it just doesn’t matter what you do…the guy has to be willing to fight for the relationship and from the list of all he has to deal with, it just doesn’t seem like he has that capacity at the moment.
So it’s that time of accepting his choice and working on healing your broken heart. No need to wait for him. Go live your life. For right now, he is not available and who knows when he will be. It’s important that you move on and re-design your life and heal. In the future, if he does approach you again, you can connect with him then if that is your desire….or….maybe you will find someone just as amazing that is available for you. If you just sit and wait and reserve your heart for this guy, all you are doing is preventing yourself from healing and that isn’t healthy for you. Healing and moving on in your life does not mean that you guys can’t get back together in the future. Who knows!!! Either way, this is your life and every day you want to live your life with a full and open heart to receive anything that shows up on your doorstep. So for now, work on letting him go. Let him go deal with his life and you go deal with yours now.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Kim!
Thanks for sharing your story!! You sound like you really have done well recovering from the loss of your love 4 years ago. Well done….that is a horrible thing to have to endure, but it sounds like you are resilient and allowed yourself some time to heal.
My first recommendation is to stop those thoughts “I am feeling this is the man for me.” I am wondering if you have ever done the online dating thing before. If you haven’t, there is a very common trap that people fall into. They start chatting and create this really strong and amazing connection and all the feelings start whirling around. People start to really bond and begin creating their life / thoughts / emotions with that person. Then they meet. Instantly they are disappointed. Or instantly they are happy. You just never know!!! This is the reason I encourage people to meet sooner than later. Sooooooo many times, the in person meeting is just not up to par to the fantasy that gets created throughout the days and weeks of communicating. So hold tight and keep your emotions / heart close. Don’t give much credence into this guy until you meet….THEN you can see how much he is who he says he is.
I wouldn’t worry too much about him not connecting much before sailing. I imagine there is a ton to prepare before a trip like that. I’m sure he will re-connect when he returns.
As far as getting him to focused on meeting you, you can start to throw out some hints and see what he does with it. You can start asking him what kinds of fun things does he have planned for the weekend. Hopefully he asks you in return and you can say something like, “No plans at the moment. Just gonna hang around and maybe go to a movie or something.” Or “No plans as of this moment. I did see there was this amazing exhibit at this museum that interests me.”
If more weeks start to go by without him asking you out, I personally would just be more blunt and say something like, “Hey…listen…we’ve been talking for a handful of weeks now and I feel like it’s time to meet up. I am really enjoying your company and getting to know you, so before we really go any further, I feel it’s important to actually meet in person and see what we are like together. What do you think?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Korina,
Yes…I would agree that there is some fear about being alone, so you are surrounding yourself with male attention to not have to face that side of life. It’s a very common fear, however a fear that may be worth facing at some point. There is much to gain during a season of just being alone and getting to know who you are without a man telling you that you are gorgeous. I sense you get a lot of self esteem by how the guys respond to you.
Remember to stay cautious about any guys you haven’t met yet. I’m really glad you are excited about the military guy. Hopefully he turns out to be as wonderful as you think he is. Stay cautious though. Don’t give away too much of your information. I personally would not have given him any personal information like where I used to work. He can claim all he wants that he is checking your identity, but it doesn’t mean that’s true. Keep your heart and your personal info. protected until the person has proven to you that they are legit, you have some time and experience with him and you know his life and what he really is like. So I strongly recommend to keep any further information that is personal, close to your heart and guard it. When do you get to meet this guy?
Heidi
