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You are doing such an incredible job. You are honoring him, honoring yourself and accepting the differences. That takes great strength and wisdom to not fall into the victom mode, blaming and shaming. I’m really impressed by you and your choices.
I love your yoga mantra. I think I’m gonna have to start saying that as well. I can feel the power of it. Thank you for sharing.
Those are all wonderful moments you shared where he expressed his love. Even though he couldn’t say the words or admit to it, he was strongly connected to you….that is evident. And this time of disconnection is gonna feel just as powerful. You both will recover and heal and move on in life, but will forever be imprinted by each other. My last guy changed me. The way I felt about him set a new standard for me and reminded me of what is possible. He made me a better person and I there will always be a place for him in my heart. I have nothing but appreciation for him. You will reach that point. I promise. Keep heading down the path you are taking and loving yourself through this.
Keep talking too! I look forward to reading your posts!!!Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
Man…I am so sorry you are going through this!!! I can tell there is a very deep hurt going on.
I first want to address a few things that you said and then ask some questions.
You said that you have trust issues because of your past. Whenever you carry your past, into the present relationship, that creates some HUGE WALLS! You are making the current guy, pay the price for what other guys did to you. Here is the reality…ALL RELATIONSHIPS are a risk. There are not guarantees, nor promises. Our divorce rate is over 50% and I bet that most of those marriages began with the complete and utter belief that it was going to last “forever.” So when you say that you let your walls down and now you are hurt again…it seems there is a part of you that is not aligned with the truth that getting hurt is inevitable. Breaking up is not, but being hurt is. You will always get hurt in relationship. You say that you let your walls down “because he asked you to” vs. saying “I let my walls down because I wanted to.” So a lot of how you described your relationship above, you are not taking ownership of your choice. YOU CHOSE to open up. YOU CHOSE to connect deeper. YOU CHOSE to risk. That kind of language is more ADULT type of language where “I did it because he asked me to” is more child-like type of language. Do you see the difference? I only want to point this out because it’s important for you to feel your own power vs. giving your power away. ANYTIME you give your power away to someone, you will lose their respect and you lose yourself in the process. I am wondering if this is part of the dynamics of why things ended. A man needs to be with a woman he respects, but it doesn’t sound like you trust yourself, nor respect yourself very much…therefore he will fall in line with how you feel about yourself. So….helping you find your power and connect to that….actually may attract him to you much more!!! I know this may feel a bit intense to start with. I hope you are okay with me saying all of this as I do feel your strength in asking for the truth. I may be totally off, as I am “reading” and not getting a full sense of who you are, so this is where you help guide us along the way by validating or correcting our perceptions….so have at it! Hold nothing back here!!!
My question is…why did you guys break up? What are the ages? What was your relationship like together? Did you guys argue often? If yes, did you keep arguing about the same thing over and over again? What is your perception about what happened for him? Yes…I understand he got more muscular and is having a field day with his ego. But does that mean you think his ego needs to take an adventure with other ladies?
I’m glad you wrote in Shar! We will do everything we can to help you through this…step by step. Hang in there!!!
Heidi
HI Peggy!
Thank you for writing in!!!
I first want to encourage you to really slow down your thought process. When a guy is THAT scared (he is still fearful after 12 years) you are facing a GIANT wall. There is nothing that is going to take that wall down except for him. He was married 24 years which is a freakin looooong time!!! And it turned out really bad apparently. So trusting you after 5 months is just not going to happen.
I really want you to hear me on this one, as I have seen this over and over and over again. The guy says he is not ready for a committed relationship and the woman is. When they are together, everything is so amazing and wonderful and then the guy pulls away. The guy is pulling away because he is NOT READY to feel that happy!!! Every guy has a different reason for that, but it doesn’t matter. The woman will keep pushing and pushing and therein lies the arguments and the disconnect.
He gets to be who he wants to be. He gets to NOT BE READY for a relationship. He gets to pull away when the fear is in the driver’s seat. So my question to you is…can you accept that about him?
You are wanting him to be ready FOR YOU so you can feel better and not face your insecurity. Imagine if you were not insecure. What if you felt completely comfortable and confident with how things were….exactly as they are…no need to change anything? Isn’t that an option as well? I guarantee that would be the very best way to get him to stick around. When a guy feels “pushed” or “cornered” or given an ultimatum….he will either walk into it (many times feeling resentful) or walk away from it. Either way….neither choice will feel good to him. You want to inspire him to want to be with you. What better way to do that than to role model what you want him to do. You want him to face his fears about falling in love so he can move forward with you right??? Well….are you willing to face your insecurity so you can also move forward with him??? Soooo many times I have watched men follow women in this way. When the woman starts to face her fears, he watches, gains respect for her and in turn wants to please her and join in the process.
So the best way to get him to open up to you, is for you to face your own fears and make him a part of your process. For example, you could say something like, “Listen….I understand you have some caution and fear and I don’t blame you. What I do know is that I love you, you are worth fighting for and I want you in my life. I had this realization the other day that I want YOU to face your fears so I don’t have to face mine. If you faced your fears to be in relationship with me, then that means I don’t have to feel my own insecurities. It’s not fair to ask for something from you that I am not even doing myself. So how about this….let’s put the whole relationship thing on the backburner. What I want to do is honor where you are at right now and respect your need to keep things slow. I am going to face all the insecurities that come up from that. It’s not going to be easy and I may need your help throughout the process. I figure it will be a good way for us to get to know each other anyways…on a deeper level. I get to be afraid and you will see all those fears and the less pretty side of me….and you get to learn about me and help me through the process. I figure that is a GREAT way to get to know each other. What do you think?”
How does this make you feel??
Heidi
Clarity is definitely helpful through this kind of process. It helps makes sense of everything. For women especially, it is VERY hard for us to understand why anyone would walk away from a powerful connection / love / experience. It just makes so much sense to us to face those fears because that connection is worth it!!! Most women would kill for something like that and fight for it until their last breathe….however the men are wired differently. Women are wired for relationship, men are wired to produce / provide….so they don’t tend to be as tortured by it as we are….generally speaking of course.
You say that he felt he tried hard to love you and make you happy, but you never felt that way. It’s because you just have different perspectives. For example, him cutting back on social media for a time, for him, that was probably a HUGE, GIGANTIC gesture of trying to make you happy, whereas you couldn’t really connect to how much that meant for him to do that for you. It’s kind of like the “love languages” book…everyone expresses and feels love differently and because of that….people can really miss each other when it comes to feeling / expressing love. If you haven’t read that book, it’s so great!!! It helps put things into perspective and to understand your love language vs. his love language. Either way…it doesn’t matter at this point as it’s time to heal. From what it sounds like, he really did the best he possibly could….the truth is also….his best was not good enough for you….and that is okay. Your needs are beyond what he is capable of offering. He still has some growing up to do in that area and needs to find someone more likeminded to his lifestyle and so do you.
One day at a time…sometimes it’s just 1 breathe at a time. It’s so deeply painful to let go of a connection like that. There is nothing I can say to make the pain go away. The pain will strengthen you and teach you as well. You just need to have the endurance for however long it stays.
Here is a forgiveness tool I like to use that helps me a TON!!! Say it as many times as you need to! it doesn’t matter if you don’t feel what you are saying yet. Just saying it will begin to slowly move any stuck emotions. It’s called the 5 sentences of forgiveness:
1. I choose to forgive myself for not being what I wanted to be which is so perfect that I could always make the kind of decisions that would never bring me, (this is where you fill in the blank…for example you might say never bring me grief or rejection or feeling fooled) and for not getting what I wanted which is (again, fill in the blank here…you might say, “which is being fought for or loved for who I am”).
2. I choose to forgive the other person (or situation) for not being what I needed them to be which was (fill in the blank – you might say a good listener or a supportive partner).
3. Now with sentence 3, I use the term “goodness” because it’s neutral, but feel free to use universe, or god or whatever you identify with. Sentence 3 is “Goodness” you hold them accountable for what they did and did not do, said and didn’t say, was and wasn’t, is and isn’t, will and won’t be….I release that responsibility to you. Why this sentence is important is that gives our ego some satisfaction. Our ego needs accountability, so this is a great way of honoring that need by handing it over to something bigger than yourself to take care it for you.
4. Imagine you have a watch on your wrist and say “Goodness, here is the watch on them (them being the offender), you be in charge of the time it takes for them to see their lives through your eyes of truth that they might heal and be in goodness, truth, healing and peace.
5. Here’s the watch on me, you be in the charge of the time it takes for my healing and for me to see my life through eyes of truth. I release that responsibility to you.
Keep talking to us!!! Vent or babble or process as much as you need to! We are here to listen and help you through this!!!
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
My best theory is that he is facing the end of his life and wants to bond, feel connected and have someone to care WITH him as he leaves this earth. Imagine facing the end of your life “alone” No one that you love or to leave behind (a romantic love – very different than children). I imagine it’s also a distraction…..SOMETHING to bring pleasure and laughter and intimacy into his life as he faces a lot of discomfort and pain.
I”m curious….what made you want to text him that?
So glad you and your new guy are still going strong! Definitely keep us updated!!!!Hi Peggy,
My best theory is that he is facing the end of his life and wants to bond, feel connected and have someone to care WITH him as he leaves this earth. Imagine facing the end of your life “alone” No one that you love or to leave behind (a romantic love – very different than children). I imagine it’s also a distraction…..SOMETHING to bring pleasure and laughter and intimacy into his life as he faces a lot of discomfort and pain.
I”m curious….what made you want to text him that?
So glad you and your new guy are still going strong! Definitely keep us updated!!!!Hi!
Wouldn’t we all be soooooo much happier if our “sins” were just forgiven and we didn’t have to earn back trust???? That would be an interesting world to live in, if it worked that way. He obviously is not really ready to do the work. He has rationalized it VERY well….and he gets to. It’s what we all do to try to feel better about ourselves and the situation.
I wish I wasn’t spot on. I wish that you guys could have worked through this and experienced the full depth of love that you guys could have shared….”potential” is so frustrating!!! You see it there, hanging out, offering different opportunities and all it takes is 1 person to say, “NO….I don’t want to feel the potential.” I”m sorry. You will have to go through the loss now and the heart ache, as there were many wonderful things about him as well.
How are you doing???
HeidiHi Ulandi!
Wow….he is really confused. It sounds like you pegged him really well. He has a big void inside and he fills it with attention from women. Will this change? Maybe…maybe not. Who knows. What is important and CRUCIAL is that if you do decide to pursue him, you accept him for he is RIGHT NOW. He has every right to live his life how he wants / needs to. If you have trouble with that…on any level, those are the challenges you need to face within yourself if you are going to stay, or you move on and find someone more like-minded. So…if you do get him back, this behavior will continue. Are you going to be okay with that?
You said that you need to find that guy again that you fell in love with….this IS him. This has always been a part of him, you just didn’t see it. That is why taking things slowly is important. It takes TIME to see ALL sides to someone. I always coach people by teaching that you never really know / love someone until you have seen them in their worst. That will tell you whether or not the relationship has the qualities to sustain and move forward…or not. What is so difficult about that, is people get really attached before they see the worst side to someone, because it takes time. Then they see that worst side and discover it is not okay for them….now they have a battle….i.e. “I love him AND I cannot tolerate how he treats me when he is stressed” And they believe that if the guy just changed that behavior, everything would be okay…so they make all kinds of investments, read books, try different techniques all in efforts to change the guy. Problem is, the guy is the only one who can change the guy. It has to be a journey HE takes and is interested in taking…to do the healing that is causing the problem in the first place.
Your guy does not see a problem. He wants to point the finger at you….and he gets to. It will justify his behavior so he can continue forward. So now you have a choice….choose to fight for a guy who blames you and is not interested in changing or growing WITH you….or you let him go.
You are confused as to why he could spend 2 hours saying all the right things, then pull back a day later. Words are just words….ALWAYS! It’s important that the words are there, but it is also important that the actions are there as well for those words to have meaning. In the moment, I’m sure he meant all of that. He either is a player (and a very good one) and you are part of his addiction, or he is split….meaning he has 1 side really wanting to love you and commit to you and another side who doesn’t. Depending on which side is in the driver’s seat at the time, is who you will experience. Either way…you are dealing with a guy who is a big mess. The reasons don’t matter. All that matters is that you get very clear about what you are willing to deal with. THIS IS WHO HE IS….do you still want to fight for him and get him back, without trying to change him?
Heidi
Hi Ulandi,
I am so sorry to hear about what is happening. It really hurts!
I do have some concerns here that I would like to talk with you about. First, you guys went down the relationship path VERY fast. That is always a red flag for me. When people move really fast, that many times can be a symptom of some underlying issues that won’t show up until later on down the road. Many times, the faster you move, the odds of crashing and burning are really high…as you are now experiencing. My other concern is that you are calling him the man of your dreams, yet it he is lying to you and connecting with other women inappropriately. I imagine that would not be a part of the “man of your dreams.” I imagine you would want a guy who is honest, who is able to be honest about his feelings and whatever he is dealing with. I am wondering why he is talking to 3 other women about your relationship.
He is correct though. You cannot tell him what he can and cannot do. That is like being his mother and most people will rebel against that type of control….as you are now finding out.
Here is the thing….there is a reason he is lying and talking to other women. What is that reason? It’s one thing to ask him to stop, but reality is, it does not change “why” he is doing that in the first place. There is something that is going on for him, that he would making those kinds of choices. Have you guys talked about that at all? Did he mention he was unhappy at all? Did he say how he was feeling about the relationship???
It’s important to understand what is REALLY happening if you are going to get him back. And even if you do get him back, SOMETHING has to change if you guys are going to keep growing together. Otherwise, he will continue this type of behavior.
So let’s start with focusing on the core of the issue and then work from there. Let us know your thoughts!
Hang in there! We will go step by step through this with you!
Heidi
Hi Peggy!
I love that list you are going to make! I call it the “non-negotiable” list….what you cannot live without in a relationship. I find this to be the most important area to be absolutely clear about. Over time, what is on my list has changed as I have changed. It’s important to really test those things out as well. I used to feel “I had to have a guy who was athletic” but now it’s “I have to have a guy who is active” An athletic guy would be super cool, but I could be okay as long as he is active. So it’s important to define your needs to the VERY CORE.
Looking forward to your list!!!
Heidi
Man….I am so sorry. It’s heartbreaking!
This is turning out exactly as I theorized it would. He just never felt good enough for you. Reality is, he wasn’t. He is too “young” for you….not his age, but his level of development. Reality is, he is wonderful in so many ways AND he just does not have enough INSIDE self esteem to match you for something long term…..and all the judgement you had towards how it expressed itself (social media) would only destroy him, little by little, over time. This is nobody’s fault. You guys really gave it a good shot!! You both approach life very differently and that is the wall between you guys. That is one area in a relationship that needs to be similar and like-minded. If that area is too different, it causes a lot of separation and both parties feeling misunderstood and not known.
You guys have reached that point where your differences in how you handle life, view life, get your needs met, are getting in the way of feeling safe with each other. This was an appropriate decision.
I know it hurts though as you both had a really wonderful connection. When I had to let my last guy go, I really had to connect into the reality that my needs activated his low esteem AND I felt good about what my needs were. Therefore, letting him go meant that I was really caring about him and myself.
It’s a very brave and difficult and kind thing you are doing for both of you. I wish it could have been different.
Heidi
Hello!
Just wanting to check in and see how you are doing. How are you processing everything? Where are you at on everything? Have you guys talked at all? Are you still looking on his social media?
HeidiI find it soooo interesting that the cancer guy is wanting to date in the first place. Most people, I imagine, want to be surrounded by people they love, trust and know well. Trying to start a new relationship knowing your life could have a very soon expriation date…well…I don’t know….it’s just strange. I have thoughts about what would be driving him to do that, but I still find it curious. Do you have any thoughts about it?
I’m glad you are clear about sending him that message. It sounds like you really are moving forward, which is wonderful!!!
Keep us posted!
Heidi
Yes! Online dating takes internal strength and a good skill set. I’m so sorry you had to go through that! Its awful! For future purposes, the very best thing you can do is not respond and get into an ego battle with someone like that. Simply state what you need to say and leave the conversation. The more you respond, the worse it gets, as you are now experiencing. So from now on, make sure you don’t respond to anything he says!!!!
I’m super glad you found someone likeminded! It feels so wonderful! Keep your eyes open and take things very slow! You guys have a ton of time to get to know each other, so the slower you go, the better!
Keep us updated! I’m excited for you!
Heidi
Hi Jayshree,
Wow….so it sounds like there is something definitely going on for him and that his love for you is buried beneath some very BIG things! I am not surprised he is shutting down and if it is being buried, he has not control over that. His protective mechanisms will kick into high gear and take him into survival mode. For men in particular, when they are in survival mode, most of them are HORRIBLE at being in relationship. Women tend to be different and more connective where men tend to shut down and disconnect. The more you try to connect and pull that love out of him, it most likely will have the opposite affect on him and cause him to pull away. If he has family that feel like “parasites” then imagine what that is like for him….being surrounded by people that are sucking the life from you and take from you without replenishing you. THEN add on having a girlfriend that is trying to pull on you as well. He has nothing to give! So his daily, friendly communication with you, I imagine, probably feels comforting as long as you stay away from the subject of romance with him. If you keep it light, easy and effortless for him, then it will help keep him connected to you and needing you. For right now, I would experiment with keeping the mindset of putting your needs on the backburner and just being there for him as he needs you. See what happens! This, of course, has a shelf life. Meaning, you can’t put your needs on the back burner for a long time, but for short periods of time, it definitely is possible. I would also keep mentioning to him that he needs to see a doctor….maybe even offer to go with him. If there is something going on with his brain, it may also explain what’s going on. Many times, if there is something happening in the brain, it can change how people feel, behave and even change their personality. I hope he will be willing to get it checked out. I know he may be afraid to find the answer, but not knowing is even worse. Then he lives with it every single day, being stressed out like crazy with no answer as to what’s happening. He needs to create some closure and get some answers.
I know you are not ready to do anything about the ex-husband living situation. I just want to say this to at least plant the seed and support what Kanya was saying earlier. She is spot on when she recommended getting really clear about the life you want to create and taking some time to really work on healing. I know you and your “husband” have an agreement and there is not emotion around him, but I am willing to bet $100 million dollars that there is more there than you even realize. I’m not saying romantic feelings, but other unresolved feelings. Getting a divorce is a big deal. There is an energetic imprint in the psyche for people when they get married as well as when they divorce. You have lived with it for so long that I guarantee you have adapted and have no clue how much it is influencing you. There was 1 study I remember reading about where they looked at what happened to people to had been together at least 10 years, then decided to get a divorce within 2 years of being married. As it turned out, the ceremony was a turning point. They theorized that if the couples had not gotten married, they would have stayed together. My point being is that “agreements” of any kind affect your life. I really want to invite you to create closure and create an official ending and find your own place to live. It will be so much more healthy for you and for any future relationship. As long as you are still married, you cannot fully and completely be with anyone else. Figure out the finances and make it happen. There is always a way as long as you want to make it happen.
Heidi
