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Hi Robin,
Wow! Look at you really going after the truth. Most people are not that blunt and upfront about things like that. Well done! However, I am very sorry you are having to deal with this. It makes your heart sink to think after all those years, your guy would betray you and lie to you about all of this. It can hit a very deep core level of hurt. I am really sorry!!
I am inclined to agree with you. Strange reactions for sure. He definitely has some type of loyalty and connection to her….even if they haven’t been physically intimate. Neither one seems to be willing to admit the truth. A technique that has worked in the past goes something like this, “Look. I know the truth. I know you guys are having an affair. Now that I know, we need to talk about this. In order for you and I to really look at our relationship and figure out what the next steps are, I need your complete honesty.” Basically, the technique is saying that you already know. Typically the person will ask, “How did you find out?” A few responses have been, “I didn’t know for sure until this very moment of you admitting it.” Or “It doesn’t matter how I found out. What matters is that I know now and this is an opportunity for you to be fully honest with me. No more lies.”
It’s really up to you how you go about it. Either way, there is something “off” and your intuition is telling you that….you also gathered more information from BOTH of them which continues to support your suspicions. You can also see if you can secretly find out more info if you don’t want to directly confront him again, since he is not telling the truth. You can have him followed, you can look up emails (it may be the new way they are communicating….or through an app that you don’t know about).
Lastly, you can sit down with him, over a nice dinner in public and just get really soft. The idea here would be to create a really safe space for someone to share with you something that is extremely difficult for them. The biggest fear for most people when admitting they cheated, is the yelling and the argument that follows. If you present by saying, “Look…I know something is off. We have been married 18 years. I know you are connected to her beyond what is appropriate. Let’s talk about this, because it makes me wonder if there is something I am missing. Am I not giving you something that she is and that’s why you are attracted to her? Am I doing something wrong? etc…” I think you get the point with this approach.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hello! I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today. This has to be my very favorite quote EVER, so I thought I would share it with you.
“Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine. ” Dr. Wayne Dyer
Goodness into your day!!!
Heidi
Hi Carolyn,
You have quite the sticky situation going on here.
You want to know where to go with this relationship? It’s really up to you and what you are wanting for yourself right now.
I want to offer a perspective that may give you more information to decide what type of experience you want to have.
When someone has a lot of low self-esteem, it’s pretty normal and typical to want OTHERS to make you feel better. So they attract people that love “rescue” and “save” them. Problem is, many times the low self esteem person never gets better because they are relying on the other people to keep making them feel good about themselves. The only way to heal that low self esteem is to work from “inside.” Low self esteem comes from hurt, so he would need to recognize, forgive and heal those deep hurts of his. It doesn’t sound like that is a path he is taking at the moment. It sounds like he would rather use other people to help him feel better. Since that is his choice, you are looking at spending a TON of your energy just trying to build him up vs. being in relationship with someone who is solid and has a skillset to handle the difficulties of life in a healthy way. I imagine it is part of your pattern to find guys that need fixing. This is also a way to help with YOUR low self esteem. When you can make someone feel better about themselves, it helps you feel better about yourself. Your value is tied to your ability to rescue someone, so you will have a tendency to be attracted to someone that needs fixing. I used to have that pattern as well. I still do to an extent, but I recognize right away which allows me to make very different decisions. We all have areas of low self esteem and high self esteem. The goal is to have more high self esteem than low self esteem. The other goal is to develop a skillset to work with the low self esteem when it shows up, vs relying on someone else to fix it for us.
With all of that being said, can you imagine still trying to build this guy up after 10 years? If you are going to honor him by accepting him for EXACTLY who he is right now, do you feel okay about him having this low self esteem, even 10 years down the road? Is this the kind of relationship design you are interested in having?
My other educated guess is that he is not trusting of women. If he felt “blindsided” by his last girlfriend, then it will have traumatized him. He will have a hard time loving deeply again until he forgives her and heal the hurt. That being said, he has 2 women right now, which means he is split. He is not REALLY investing in either of you….which is totally okay. He gets to do that. Regardless of him giving you keys or doing things that make you feel like he really cares, you have to also look at his ACTIONS. His actions are telling you something very different. So this really is a matter of whether or not you want to participate in that kind of design….are you okay sharing him? Maybe you can also keep dating as well. It might help you keep perspective and keep the door open for someone else that you might really respond to and is more like-minded with you.
Let me know your thoughts!!!
Heidi
Hi Jayshree,
I’m curious. What has caused you to shift? It seemed your mindset was to be patient and want to keep connecting.
If you are really ready to let him go, it means setting some FIRM boundaries. You can say “please don’t contact me” but then he did…and you responded. So to him, that boundary is not a firm boundary and you don’t really mean it. You need to teach him that you are actually serious. Your first response needs to be something like, “I asked you to please not contact me anymore. That means no more “good mornings” or telling me about your life or what is happening for you. Understand that I am no longer available as your friend.” If he still continues to contact you, you can say, “I have asked you not to contact me and you are not respecting that boundary, so I am now going to block your number.” OR….you can simply just not respond anymore. Immediately delete any messages. However, this is not something I recommend as every time he contacts you, it will pull your heart back to him and it makes healing VERY VERY difficult. It really is best for you to begin to re-create your life and your day without him in it. It’s like ripping off a bandaid. The less contact, the faster you will heal.
I’m so sorry Jayshree. This is an extremely difficult time for you right now, so take extra care to love yourself through this. Surround yourself with friends and support so they can help you have some fun, be good listening ears and remind you that you have the strength to get to the other side of this!
Heidi
Hi Lynn!
What a wonderful question you are asking!!! This is a very layered situation! The one thing that will really help your relationship to survive this time is communication. These are questions you also need to be asking him along the way as well. A simple question is, “How can I help or what can I do to help?” He may not have those answers right away, but that doesn’t matter. You asking, is enough and supportive all on its own. Over time, you will also learn about him and be able to sense certain things he may need without him even asking. For example, you might notice that he is eating a lot of take out food, so maybe you spend a day and do a lot of cooking for him and put them in containers for him for the week. You want to help him maintain his health and his pleasure through this. He is entering into a situation where he will want to give everything he has to his mother, which means he will make himself the last person on the list to take care of….and that’s where you come in. You help him laugh, you plan little outings that are fun, you give him foot rubs, you help cook food, you appreciate him by telling him how much you respect what he is doing for his mother, you leave him little notes around the house for him to find, you help him keep the house clean, you hang out with his mom etc……through all of this, hopefully he will be grateful and appreciative for you and want to naturally give to you in return. You guys will learn a lot about each other through this….there will most likely be a lot of bumps in the road as he is going to be watching his mother die…and there are just no words for that feeling. You, no he, will know what is ahead and how he is going to feel. So basically, your patience, your creativeness, your intuition are going to all be very important through this.
And yes…this is going to be more about him than you for awhile. It’s okay though…there are always seasons of that in a relationship….and it’s the season for you to support him. And if you have some needs, depending on his mindset and how he is handling them, you can always just talk about it….or you can figure out how to meet your needs on your own (which is always an important skillset!).
Is this helpful??? What other questions do you have?
Heidi
Hi Megan!
You are not alone! It is actually quite normal for a woman to jump to “marriage” material thinking right from the beginning….especially if a guy is providing something she has always wanted, but never experienced. I did that once! I actually got engaged to a guy that gave me something I never had before….without really looking at the WHOLE situation. I didn’t follow through, but it was a big wake up call.
So just because you guys said some REALLY deep, personal and beautiful things to each other…those words are only good for the moment and don’t have much credibility until ACTION support those words.
I’m glad you are slowing down and pulling back on communication. You can do some little things along that way like activating his “hero” instinct here and there….or by being a little flirty like, “I saw….and thought of you. I wanted to share it with you because it made me smile.”
So I’m not clear as to the current status. Has he completely stopped communicating? Or it’s just less? When there is communication, are you the one initiating that or is he….or both?
There is still promise….you never know. I would also suggest to maybe continue going on dates. It can help give you perspective, help you keep your door open to other possibilities and even be a good distraction and good entertainment. Do you feel this is possible for you?
Heidi
Hi Jayshree,
This is going to take a loooong time most likely. If his love for you is buried, whatever caused him to head into that protective mode would need to be resolved somehow in order for him to feel safe to “feel” again. It could take months….or just 1 day. There is no way to predict what is really happening for him and when or even if, he will ever connect with you romantically again. So for right now, it’s important that you really embrace the PRESENT moment….and that is, that he is gone. Who he “used to be” is not here right now and even if that part of him came back, he will still be a little different. If you keep spending your thoughts and energy on “what was” you are taking your attention away from “what is” right now…and that is where you need to keep your attention in order to make some clear decisions. So for right now, being in the present, you basically have 2 choices. 1. Accept him for who he is right now and develop the friendship or 2. Realize it’s not enough for you and it’s time for you to let him go.
I know you are not in the mindset to let him go right now, so that means choosing to be his friend. There are little things you can do here and there like activate his hero instinct or disappear for a bit so he “misses” you and reaches out for you. These little things, along with your patience, can go a long way. I know this is extremely hard for you. This is where it’s also important for you to take care of yourself. Find some creative, fun things to add to your life. You can volunteer certain places, you can start an interesting project….it’s important for you to take care of yourself through this very difficult time. Otherwise, you will run out of patience very quickly and lose perspective. I know this doesn’t really speed things up any faster, but it doesn’t sound like you are dealing with something that went wrong in your relationship. This is a very personal thing for HIM, therefore it really is only him that will determine the pace of this.
Heidi
Hi Bell,
This is a great question. I am wondering if you are comfortable with flirting in general. What was your relationship like before? Did you flirt a lot, did he flirt? Was there a relaxed, playful energy between you guys before?
Flirting can be as simple as saying something like, “You know, I miss your smile. Your smile was always something that could instantly give me butterflies.” Or “Your ass always looked good in those jeans.” Flirting really just takes on the personality of the person doing it. It can be simple and sweet, to outright blunt and sexual. Probably right now, the flirting that would be most appropriate would be compliments, little giggles when he says something funny, letting him know in small ways how he affects you….basically, the energy you want to put off is light and fun and even silly in your own way.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Bell!
This is great! He contact you and is trying to meet up! Isn’t this what you wanted??? It doesn’t seem like it from your responses in the conversation. If you really want to meet up and see him, it’s important that as you say “no, I can’t” to him, you want to leave him with an encouraging feeling like, “No, I really have to go into work. I would love to see you though…How about________” So you are just saying you aren’t available but letting him know you want to see him, which will leave him with some encouragement.
It seemed from the conversation that you just don’t seem that interested. I’m not sure how you are feeling about him at the moment.
The next step is to call him. He asked you to call, so make sure you call and be flirty, sweet and inviting. You can alo say, “I”m sorry I couldn’t meet up. I would love to see you though. Do you have some other options?”
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Barbara,
I would just give him some space right now. I personally and not inclined to agree with him. You did nothing wrong. You offered your support! You did not tell him what to do or how to fix his problems, you just said, take care of yourself and I am here to talk when you need. Most people would appreciate the gesture vs. rejecting it and telling you to stop. My guess is, being that he is under a lot of stress right now, probably feeling powerless as well, when you offered help, it reminded him that even needs help in the first place and that his world is not in control like he wants. That is HIS issue, NOT YOURS! I think that what you did was a wonderful thing!!! It’s okay that it didn’t have the desired affect! That’s how we learn about each other. If I were coaching him, I would have helped him ask for his needs differently. Instead of telling you to stop being “masculine” I would have wanted him to say something like, “Thank you for saying all of that! What I need most from you right now is……” It’s important for him to TEACH you what DOES WORK for him vs. putting you down by reaching out and supporting him in the best way you know how.
This would be the conversation I would suggest you have with him. Saying something like, “Listen…you reached out and I responded in a way that I thought would be supportive and helpful for you and it obviously did not have the desired affect. So teach me what you would have wanted from me.”
what do you think?
Hi Megan!
I’m so glad you get to feel that way about someone!!! It feels wonderful right??
Just a few questions…
1. How long have you been dating?
2. Have you guys agreed to being exclusive?
3. When you say communication has slowed down, has he stopped initiating? How has it slowed down?
4. Is his work piling up? I am wondering if work is taking his attention more recently or if he is pulling back because of something else.I know you feel he is “the one.” I also want to encourage you to slow down that thinking a bit. He has potential, but that’s all it is right now. It’s very important to see ALL sides to someone before starting to imagine your future with them. I always want to see how someone treats me / themselves / others when they are angry, depressed, stressed out like crazy etc. This guy could be suuuuper amazing AND he could also be verbally abusive when he get upset enough (I have seen this combination many times)….so still maintain some caution. Spend a lot of time really seeing who he is in all situations.
Looking forward to more details!!!
Hi Mavis!
Wow! It always trips me out to be talking to someone on another contitent! So cool!!!! Thanks for those little details!
He responded really well! That was a great conversation!!!!
Maybe try sending him a joke in a day or 2? You can say something like, “someone told me this joke today and I thought of you. I had to share!! (then share the joke)” Just leave it at that and see what he does. It leaves it open ended for him to respond. Hopefully it will lead to another great exchange!
I’m glad you have read everything and starting to practice the techniques!!! That is wonderful that you are starting to embrace how to understand him better and how to be a better partner for someone. He is lucky to have someone caring about him so much!!! Keep being patient!!! You are doing a great job!!!
Heidi
You are doing such an incredible job. You are honoring him, honoring yourself and accepting the differences. That takes great strength and wisdom to not fall into the victom mode, blaming and shaming. I’m really impressed by you and your choices.
I love your yoga mantra. I think I’m gonna have to start saying that as well. I can feel the power of it. Thank you for sharing.
Those are all wonderful moments you shared where he expressed his love. Even though he couldn’t say the words or admit to it, he was strongly connected to you….that is evident. And this time of disconnection is gonna feel just as powerful. You both will recover and heal and move on in life, but will forever be imprinted by each other. My last guy changed me. The way I felt about him set a new standard for me and reminded me of what is possible. He made me a better person and I there will always be a place for him in my heart. I have nothing but appreciation for him. You will reach that point. I promise. Keep heading down the path you are taking and loving yourself through this.
Keep talking too! I look forward to reading your posts!!!Heidi
Hi Sharlene!
Man…I am so sorry you are going through this!!! I can tell there is a very deep hurt going on.
I first want to address a few things that you said and then ask some questions.
You said that you have trust issues because of your past. Whenever you carry your past, into the present relationship, that creates some HUGE WALLS! You are making the current guy, pay the price for what other guys did to you. Here is the reality…ALL RELATIONSHIPS are a risk. There are not guarantees, nor promises. Our divorce rate is over 50% and I bet that most of those marriages began with the complete and utter belief that it was going to last “forever.” So when you say that you let your walls down and now you are hurt again…it seems there is a part of you that is not aligned with the truth that getting hurt is inevitable. Breaking up is not, but being hurt is. You will always get hurt in relationship. You say that you let your walls down “because he asked you to” vs. saying “I let my walls down because I wanted to.” So a lot of how you described your relationship above, you are not taking ownership of your choice. YOU CHOSE to open up. YOU CHOSE to connect deeper. YOU CHOSE to risk. That kind of language is more ADULT type of language where “I did it because he asked me to” is more child-like type of language. Do you see the difference? I only want to point this out because it’s important for you to feel your own power vs. giving your power away. ANYTIME you give your power away to someone, you will lose their respect and you lose yourself in the process. I am wondering if this is part of the dynamics of why things ended. A man needs to be with a woman he respects, but it doesn’t sound like you trust yourself, nor respect yourself very much…therefore he will fall in line with how you feel about yourself. So….helping you find your power and connect to that….actually may attract him to you much more!!! I know this may feel a bit intense to start with. I hope you are okay with me saying all of this as I do feel your strength in asking for the truth. I may be totally off, as I am “reading” and not getting a full sense of who you are, so this is where you help guide us along the way by validating or correcting our perceptions….so have at it! Hold nothing back here!!!
My question is…why did you guys break up? What are the ages? What was your relationship like together? Did you guys argue often? If yes, did you keep arguing about the same thing over and over again? What is your perception about what happened for him? Yes…I understand he got more muscular and is having a field day with his ego. But does that mean you think his ego needs to take an adventure with other ladies?
I’m glad you wrote in Shar! We will do everything we can to help you through this…step by step. Hang in there!!!
Heidi
HI Peggy!
Thank you for writing in!!!
I first want to encourage you to really slow down your thought process. When a guy is THAT scared (he is still fearful after 12 years) you are facing a GIANT wall. There is nothing that is going to take that wall down except for him. He was married 24 years which is a freakin looooong time!!! And it turned out really bad apparently. So trusting you after 5 months is just not going to happen.
I really want you to hear me on this one, as I have seen this over and over and over again. The guy says he is not ready for a committed relationship and the woman is. When they are together, everything is so amazing and wonderful and then the guy pulls away. The guy is pulling away because he is NOT READY to feel that happy!!! Every guy has a different reason for that, but it doesn’t matter. The woman will keep pushing and pushing and therein lies the arguments and the disconnect.
He gets to be who he wants to be. He gets to NOT BE READY for a relationship. He gets to pull away when the fear is in the driver’s seat. So my question to you is…can you accept that about him?
You are wanting him to be ready FOR YOU so you can feel better and not face your insecurity. Imagine if you were not insecure. What if you felt completely comfortable and confident with how things were….exactly as they are…no need to change anything? Isn’t that an option as well? I guarantee that would be the very best way to get him to stick around. When a guy feels “pushed” or “cornered” or given an ultimatum….he will either walk into it (many times feeling resentful) or walk away from it. Either way….neither choice will feel good to him. You want to inspire him to want to be with you. What better way to do that than to role model what you want him to do. You want him to face his fears about falling in love so he can move forward with you right??? Well….are you willing to face your insecurity so you can also move forward with him??? Soooo many times I have watched men follow women in this way. When the woman starts to face her fears, he watches, gains respect for her and in turn wants to please her and join in the process.
So the best way to get him to open up to you, is for you to face your own fears and make him a part of your process. For example, you could say something like, “Listen….I understand you have some caution and fear and I don’t blame you. What I do know is that I love you, you are worth fighting for and I want you in my life. I had this realization the other day that I want YOU to face your fears so I don’t have to face mine. If you faced your fears to be in relationship with me, then that means I don’t have to feel my own insecurities. It’s not fair to ask for something from you that I am not even doing myself. So how about this….let’s put the whole relationship thing on the backburner. What I want to do is honor where you are at right now and respect your need to keep things slow. I am going to face all the insecurities that come up from that. It’s not going to be easy and I may need your help throughout the process. I figure it will be a good way for us to get to know each other anyways…on a deeper level. I get to be afraid and you will see all those fears and the less pretty side of me….and you get to learn about me and help me through the process. I figure that is a GREAT way to get to know each other. What do you think?”
How does this make you feel??
Heidi
