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Hi Jayshree,
I’m confused. He said he still loves you and he kissed you? Was it passionate? Could you feel his feelings for you? Did something change?
Heidi
Hi Susan,
Of course it’s possible he is falling for you. However, it’s important to match words with action, otherwise there is something out of balance. He may be saying that, but is he showing you as well?
I want to invite you to use a different mindset / thinking with him. Instead of saying “how can i “make” him continue to feel he “needs” me in his life…” it will be more effective to say “how can I “inspire” him to continue to feel he wants me in his life.
“making” someone do anything is like being a parent/child, boss/employee. You want to inspire it from him. And you don’t want him to “need” you as that is creating dependency. You want him to WANT you in his life. You want to be an “addition” to his life vs. “completing” his life. Do you understand the difference between these words and the intention behind them?
It’s hard to know what you can continue to do to inspire him to keep you in his life, as each person / relationship is very different. In general, men LOVE being appreciated, asked for help, sexual, respected. You can always ask him those questions by the way. You can say something like, “So what do you feel is working well in our relationship? Is there anything you feel isn’t working right now?” Or “How can I be a better partner for you?” Something to that affect is giving him a voice and safe space to express all his concerns / thoughts etc. so you guys can address them.
another way to help keep him engaged could be creativity of how you spend your time together. Go online and find some crazy, off the wall questions and take him out on the town and ask him the questions. Go do things you have never done before…maybe go volunteer at a shelter for a day…or go paint a mug for each other etc… Change your appearance up a bit…maybe more creative clothes, different shoes, a different hairstyle, different makeup….these things may be small, but it helps him see you in a different way and most of all…lets him know you are always up for an adventure, you are a bit unpredictable and you are open and fun.
Does all of this help give you some ideas?
Heidi
Helen!
What happened in the car that makes you think he got a little upset? Do you feel whatever that was, is the reason for him pulling away?
What do you mean he is a little neurotic? In what ways?
I am so glad you had a lot of fun with him. It is a wonderful beginning! I don’t know why he is not responding, but the first thing you need to do is back away and DO NOT chase him. You need to communicate to him that you need to be fought for and you are not going to chase him (like all the other women have done on FB or other ways). Help him respect you by backing off and moving on with your life. He may have been wonderful for 8 hours, but he also need to prove to you that HE IS HIS WORD. He said he was going to contact you and see you next week…and so far he is not honoring that. HUGE caution flag. He may be one of those guys that is BRILLIANT in person and in the moment, but completely sucks on follow through. I don’t know. The reason doesn’t really matter…his lack of response is letting you know that something is amiss…and he either will tell you or not…either way…if you keep reaching out and trying to connect, it could really do some damage on how he thinks about you. Love yourself and respect YOURSELF enough to believe that you are worth fighting for…and require that from him!!!
Heidi
Mavis!!! That was a wonderful response!!! Well done! And I don’t know if he was in a better mood or because you were less animated with your “thank you” but he sure responded with more words and an emotion! That’s good!
Yes…send him a message about your car. Something simple like, “Hey…heading to china for a week and wanted to park my car at your office. Would you mind just keeping an eye on it for me?” and if you want to be funny (not sure if this humor works for you guys) you could say something funny like, “and if you have some spare time, feel free to wash it and give it some good carpet cleaning…lol” Or maybe something to that affect.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Bell,
It sounds like he is still a little responsive. The first thing I would invite you to consider is to work on disconnecting more. You are contacting him several times in a row without him returning your efforts. This can cause a man to want to put walls up and pull away. In essence, you are easily available and whether a man knows it or not, it causes him to be less attracted to her. Most men love to chase.
So again, I would no longer initiate and allow him to work for connection with you. He did it before, so let him do it again. You made several attempts at trying to connect with him…so now it’s time to step away a bit. Maybe even consider not asking him to connect anymore for awhile. Have him make several attempts at trying to get together with you. Always be responsive…sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but be responsive…do not initiate. Does this make sense?? And do not initiate a text unless it is in response to something he sent you. Let him take the lead and you sit in the passenger seat. I know this may be difficult, but give it a shot for a few weeks and see what happens.
What are your thoughts on this approach?
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
I get that it’s hard to NOT go get what you want. I am the same way in the sense that when I see something I desire, I put forth all my energy to create it in my life.
Maybe a different perspective will help? When I back off and allow space for a man to “chase” me, in essence, I AM being authentic for this reason…I know that I am someone worth fighting for and it’s obviously important for me to see that he feels the same way. So by me backing off and letting him take the lead, not only gives me the opportunity to watch how he responds to that, as well as honoring his VERY NATURAL need to want to chase. You are a strong woman. As much as that is a wonderful thing, it also will hurt you sometimes, so your goal is to be aware of when your strength will serve you and when it will work against you. A man WANTS a strong woman, but many times desires a woman who is also able to be very comfortable, and even desire for him to be the leader. This is generally speaking of course and there are a gazillion exceptions to this general idea, but the point is not only honoring your strength and your nature, but also honoring the man’s (and finding pleasure in it as well). I imagine I am not saying much that you don’t already know, so at the very least, let it be validating 🙂
Besides…A CRUCIAL skill for dating and relationship is learning how to be comfortable when you are not get what you want or need from the other person…so it’s good this is making you uncomfortable! It will help you expand and learn how to be a better partner for whoever it is that you end up with!
Thanks for the Instagram page….I’ll check it out!
Heidi
Hi Tanya!
You ask some great questions!!! I’m so glad you are here sharing your story and being curious. That is a SERIOUS bonus for any guy who catches your attention!
Welcome back to the dating world….lol. It’s very different than 12 years ago. I’m curious as to why you stayed away for so long? And also, what has inspired you to re-enter?
I have a few thoughts about your situation.
First, definitely back off and let him initiate this next one. You gave him your schedule and now the ball in his court to create something with you. Give him his space and allow him to miss you, allow him to HAVE to make the move to create a way to see you. Men need that. They need a bit of a challenge and a woman who is confident and secure enough to let him chase her vs. being so easy. So for now, keep living your life as you normally would and just wait until he initiates contact. Besides…it’s going to give you some information about him. How long does he wait? Does he initiate etc….it gives you information about WHO HE REALLY is when he has a busy work schedule, as this will happen again. It’s important to notice patterns.
Do you believe the things he said and “assume” he is into you??? Absolutely not! In the beginning of getting to know someone, there is no history to understand whether they are truly honest, authentic and solid. In the beginning, you need to really be watching for their actions and words lining up with each other. I have coached countless people through their understandable confusion of why they are being ghosted when the person was “totally into them” one moment, then all of a sudden started to disappear. It takes times to really see if you like each other. You need to see each other in all situations, you need to learn to trust each other, you need to meet each other’s friends etc. So in the beginning, liking someone is really “unstable.” So many factors keep that feeling going or cause it to die out. BUT…I would not take his distancing, as a sign he isn’t into you. Yes, that may be true, but many other things could be true as well. He REALLY could be busy at work. Yes…people really get so bombarded with work and commitments, they do not have time for a conversation. If that were to keep happening over several weeks….how true it is that he is busy or not….doesn’t really matter. It’s a behavior that doesn’t allow a relationship to grow.
I absolutely LOVE that you believe you are a catch! That is soooo important when dating. He will treat you how you treat you….and it sounds like you really like yourself, so keep up the good work! It is a crucial part of dating!!!
Let me know your thoughts so far. There is much more to share, but I thought this was enough for now….we would love your feedback from the material as you go over it this weekend and definitely want to be a part of your process, so keep us updated!!!
Heidi
Hi Mavis,
Well done on everything you do to take care of yourself! You have a really good list going on! Keep it up!!!
Would you be willing to see a counselor? What if you started to see a counselor once or month or so…and that could lead to some really good role modeling for him to take that leap as well. You can say something like, “I’ve been seeing this counselor and really like them. I’ve found some areas where I am really stuck and finally feeling much better about all of it. I thought of you since you still might have some left over feelings about your divorce. If you want their number to just try it for a session, let me know.”
Okay..so since he is a shy guy and doesn’t have much of an emotional response to any compliments you give him, it might mean compliments are really uncomfortable for him…that’s my best guess though. If this is the case, smaller compliments are going to be much more easy for him to take, so start with smaller things. The bigger deal you make about something, the more it will really push him away.
As far as saying “thank you” for him finishing your deed of trust, just a simple acknowledgment is appropriate. You are paying him for that work, correct? So anything above and beyond is thanking him for something he should be doing anyways. Maybe you could send his secretary some flowers and get him a box of chocolates or something if you feel it is necessary. You can leave a simple note just saying, “Thank you for your help. This meant a lot to me” and just leave it at that.
Again, the less “animated” or “big” your gestures of appreciation and compliments are, the more he might come out of his shell a little bit more.
What are your thoughts on that?
Heidi
HI Peggy!
what did you think of the john gray video? Kanya explained some great, and very important differences between men and women. Did it help? Are you understanding your situation a little better???
Keep us updated! We want to know how you are doing!!!
Heidi
Hi Jayshree,
I just wanted to check in and see how things are going for you. Have you followed through on disconnecting with him? Or are you still talking friend stuff? Keep us updated, even it if means you just say how you are feeling. We are good listeners and love staying connected to you through this process.
HOpe to hear from you soon with an update!Heidi
Hi Peggy! I just wanted to check in and see how things are going with your new guy. Still going strong?? Is he still respodning to you really well??
Heidi
He is definitely lucky to have gotten to experience a relationship with someone like you. Although the timing was good for a long term relaitonship, you did give him an experience of his “higher self” and what that feels like. My ex, years later, appreciated it on a much deeper level as he got older and had other experiences. He told me how much he had no idea the depth to what he had with me back then, but never forgot the feeling…and it took more life experiences to truly grasp what he wanted. I hope your guy gets to that same place. He does have a lot to face now that you are no longer his plan A. He will most likely keep seeking attention through his social media etc. but at some point, that will all run out and he will still be left with everything he needs to face in his life. Goodness into him for strength to face the truth and heal!!!!
Heidi
Hi Mavis,
Thank you for the update! I get you are frustrated and wanting more. I don’t blame you. I know this is hard, but you still need more patience. One of the first things I suggest is to again…focus on yourself. What kinds of FUN things are you planning in your life? Are you hanging with friends? Are you laughing a lot? Are you taking good care of yourself physically? It’s so important to REALLY take care of YOU while you are dealing with something so difficult! Tell me some of the things you are doing for yourself. This is so important because otherwise, he will sense that you do not know how to be a complete, hole person without him…and that is a lot of pressure for a man to feel. The more a man feels a woman having a “desperate” type of energy where she will do or try ANYTHING just to get him back, he will have a tendency to put walls up, lose respect for her and keep his distance. Do you feel you are in this space??? Meaning, can you live your life and be happy, even if he does not choose to connect again? When a guy senses a woman is okay without him, it will tend to draw him closer and is a BIG factor in activating his desire to chase. This is why it works to disconnect yourself from him….it not only sends the message that you are living your life without him, it also gives him space to miss you and feel his life without you.
I just want to address the compliment you offered him. Do you really feel that way? He has been distant for quite awhile. Honestly, I sure hope that is NOT something that sets him apart from other guys. Currently, he IS NOT treating you well, so the compliment doesn’t quite fit the current situation. And that is a REALLY BIG compliment just for him saying happy mother’s day. It comes across as if you are trying REALLY HARD to make him feel good so he will come back to you. He will sense your urgency. A simple, “thank you! You made me smile!” Or even just “thank you!” would have been appropriate. Does this make sense?
I can tell from his response to the compliment you offered, it was subdued, not very interested, not really responsive. BUT….the GREAT thing is….he thought about you and reached out to connect. So that also tells me he IS thinking about you…..so my guess is, he is still connected to you and maybe even wants to connect further, but maybe scared to give too much for fear you will want more. That is my best working theory according to what you are telling me. So again, there is nothing to do for the moment. Let it be. Go take care of yourself. Give it a good week of not contacting him and then we will revisit what to do next. Do you feel this is okay for you?? I know it’s not what you WANT to do..but truth is, if you choose to connect and initiate as much as you REALLY want to, it most definitely will drive him away….so keep practicing patience and plan a super fun week, to help you get distracted. Maybe you can go visit some animals, or go paint a mug, or go on a few hikes….plan some things to do that will nourish your soul!!! Hang in there!!!
Heidi
Heidi
Hi!!!
So great to hear from you! I second what Kanya said! You are still doing a beautiful job at staying connected to yourself.
Of course you are struggling letting go mfo the good stuff! That is the hardest part! I know that when I found myself getting wrapped up in the good things, I would immediately remind myself of what didn’t work, imagine looking at a grave representing the ending / death of a relationship and walking away. I had to do it a million times of course, but it helped program my mind with WHAT IS vs. allowing myself to spend time on what was.
I see you your mind is looping around that statement! It’s a powerful one actually. I think most people would get stuck on that sentence. How he said it would make anyone feel like there was something wrong with them or something was missing in them that made him feel like he “couldn’t love you but tried.” All the while he talked about a future with you, he talked about marraige and kids etc. Very conflicting statements right? Either way….here is the truth that you need to remind yourself of,..
He was not capable of loving right now. Maybe in a year, maybe in 10…who knows. But for right now, he is not ready….OR….you were not the right fit. Yes, you guys had a great connection, but there were some fundamental things you guys did not match on and it got in the way. Your needs were more than what he could offer and vice versa. It is not your fault that he couldn’t love you. I know the adult side of you would know this, but the little girl side that is looping and stuck on that sentence does not know that….that’s why she is stuck on it. Remind her of this every day!!! She is loveable even if he couldn’t love her. You tell that part of yourself that YOU are going to love her and she will be okay! You will take care of her.
Does that make sense?
Heidi
