Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Tammy!
Congrats! Feels wonderful doesn’t it???? I understand your fear. It is very normal, considering everything you have already been through. Would you consider finding a coach or a therapist to help you clear this stuff? The thing is, those issues will not go away and they will always be a barrier between you and Carlos….and each of those issues is a GUARANTEED argument at some point. We all have issues and fears and limitations, so the goal is not necessarily to be problem free, but to clear those problems as much as we can as well as learn how to develop a skillset to handle our emotions when those triggers come up…because they will. So if you really want to keep this guy, the best thing you can do is to start actively working on those issues and learn how to handle all the emotions around it…because if you don’t, you are going to make him pay the price for what all of those other men have done….and that is not fair to Carlos. He deserves as clean a slate as you can give him.
I love that you have joined up with us! There is so much to learn in this program and understand about men, so I am glad you are willing to take those steps. You are already a better partner for it!!!! Well done!
Keep us updated with any thoughts, questions or experiences you have. We would love to hear more of your story!!!!
Heidi
How about you look at it from a different perspective….yes, it could be logical, but what about looking at it from a “heart” perspective. If you take things slow, you are really CARING about your relationship. You are really honoring that getting to know each other on a romantic level is going to take time. Even though you have known each other a long time, you DO NOT know each other romantically, so this is brand new territory for you guys. Give it some time. By NOT saying “i love you” you are also really caring about him…..and wanting HIM to take the lead so he feels comfortable with you all along the way vs. feeling rushed. Think about it…if you guys end up together, you will have MANY MANY moments of saying “i love you.” These moments now are rare…where you are getting to know each other BEFORE the “I love you.” It’s kind of like foreplay. That sometimes is the best, most powerful and imprinting part of the whole sexual experience because there is buildup, impulse control, mystery. That’s the zone you guys are in right now….ENJOY IT!!! Make it last as long as you possibly can because once a certain line is crossed, you will leave this zone and never go back.
What do ya think?
Heidi
Well done!!! I love that you are gonna try some the techniques and most of all, that you are having an awareness that you may not be coming across very vulnerable. My coach says many brilliant things to me, but one of them is saying, “You never know what a son of a bi*** you are until someone else is in the room.” So true right? You would never kno how NOT vulnerable you are until someone reflects that back to you. At the very least, he and every other date you go on, will be a good reflection for you. There is a lot of growing to do when dating. It’s a great platform for exposing and practicing new skills.
Can’t wait to hear how everything goes!!!!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
This is a great thing to ask for help for from him! He gets to help you learn how to keep yourself safe! You are doing a great job and I second what Kanya said. Good job on waiting a bit to contact him! It is so much more helpful to be more calm and centered, that way you will have a much healthier interaction.
Keep us updated! WE want to hear what happens!!!
Heidi
Of course you are scared! It is very normal to feel that way, especially when there are sudden changes and you don’t understand them. Work on letting go of the anger and hurt. Forgive him for not being the kind of guy you needed him to be and forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Work on letting it all go, so that you have a clear mind to move forward as you need to. As long as you hold onto those hurt feelings, it clouds your perspective and keeps you in a lower form of thinking. It will only hurt you and maybe even leak out onto him.
When do you plan to call him?
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
Haha! This guy is funny. Of course he is missing you….you hid your Instagram stories so now he cannot get his daily dose of you anymore! He is just trying to hook you back into him, especially since he has been quite distant and flaky with you. I rolled my eyes too! lol!
Just something to think about….you are a very direct and authentic person. Sometimes, it really is good to just not say some things. I tend to be very blunt like you, as that is what is real. I am not afraid of what they might say or respond like…and I like to watch what they do with that side of me. But sometimes, it’s good to NOT be that. I personally would not say anything about this particular texting and disappearing thing. I think it’s important for you to just keep observing him. You barely know each other….maybe after this lunch, the behavior will change. I would still just give it more time and see what happens. No confronting as of yet. He will know that it is something that bothered you and I don’t know if I would play my cards this early. I would still want to see what he NATURALLY does without influence of my thoughts about his behavior. But of course, you will know what works for you in the moment. Either way…you will get the information you need about him to decide whether to keep interacting with him.
As far as the modern dating scene, it’s tough. I understand your frustration as it is pretty normal. Try viewing it from a different perspective. It’s really easy to fall into judgement of everyone who isn’t being “authentic” so I tend to practice looking behind the “veil.” Being authentic takes great strength, so something is missing in them that they are not able to be their true self. So instead of feeling judgment and frustration and irritation towards them, I PRACTICE having compassion for them as they are afraid of something…so I work on being “grace” with those that are struggling with that….as we all know what that feels like. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Maria!
You sure have been through a lot. You both have. I bet it feels absolutely wonderful to get to feel those kinds of feelings again.
I would suggest to live with that feeling for a bit. No need to rush into telling him or turning your relationship into something other than what it is right now. The moment you say “I love you” it changes things….I’d like to see you just feel those feelings for him and keep it to yourself for the time being. He is so young and it might just be a bit scary for him. When you say that to him, most likely what will flash before his eyes is you wanting to marry him, have kids etc. You are not some 22 year old saying it, you are a grown woman who is fully capable of that. Keep spending time with him and let him create the pace. If he flirts, flirt back…if he initiates something, respond to it….This is my personal choice and opinion, but I like to have the guy tell me he loves me first. Partly because I want HIM to step into that space with me and lead me there vs. the other way around. When a man finally says it, on his own time, you know he is really ready. Many times a man is tempted to say it in return because he doesn’t want to upset the woman and he feels pressured. I like to just let the guy come to that conclusion on his own and find the strength to say it to me…all on his own…..no different than when a guy asks me out…I will send the signals, but ultimately, he has to come get me. I’m a pretty traditional gal though. I’ve dated for 20 years and had so many different experiences and coached people through theirs as well and I have just seen that men respond sooooo much better when the woman has patience and lets the man take the lead.
How does this approach make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
LDR is so difficult when trying to get to know someone. So much communication is over text and phone that you really don’t get a full idea of who the person is. It takes and extrememly long time to get to know someone that way, so patience is a virtue in a situation like this.
I think your plan is a great one! He i still really responsive which is great! It’s a good idea to let him know what it feel like to be respected and honored for his requests and needs AND to also be help accountable for his choice. It’s important for him to know that he is affecting you and that you are really curious and interested in knowing him more, so his thoughts and opinioons are valued by you.
He most definitely will have trust issues and some really thick walls up and might be super gun -shy, so your gentleness and understaning will go a long way!Communication take A LONG time to develop. I consider myself a very high communicator and good at it, but let me tell ya….it can get really rough sometimes!!! It’s always a process and alway taking on new shapes as you talk with different kinds of people….so keep praticing!!! It is a skill and needs constant refinement, so put yourself out there. Sometimes when I don’t know how to say something I will start by saying, “this might come out a bit messy, but bear ith me…..” and a lot of times it softens the person because you are admittin to struggle.
THoughts??Heidi
Hi Amy,
Thank you for writing in and telling us you story. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s really hard to sit back and watch a wonderful connection slowly slip through your fingers and you can’t do anything about it.Did he talk at all about the specifics as to what he needed to get together or work through? Do you feel confident that work is the main issue?
I do know that in general, when a man’s work world is not in order, if he is not happy, if there is job insecurity or anything going on with work, men tend to crumble in the relationship department….especially if it is a new relationship. I wonderf if that is what is going on for him.
Any insights?
I’m curious what the general advice is that you are getting. I know you want to get back to where things used to be, but that time is gone. You have to create from the present moment….so in the present moment, with the information you have up to this point…what advice are you responding to?Heidi
HI Helen,
Man, I am so sorry to hear this! Of course you were devaststed and angry. You were really connected and he broke that off for another woman. It is so deeply hurtful when someone does that.
For now, I would just focus on your healing. I wouldn’t focus on the future and how to get him back. For right now, you have to deal with the present moment and that is helping your heart let go and heal. Do not build a possible futue with him in you mind, as that will only create a block from you fully and completely healing so your heart can be open to ALL possiblities.
So tell me what you are doing to help yourself through this. What is your plan?Heidi
Thanks for the update Peggy!
I am wondering….what are you hoping to have happen once you text him? That he will respond, of course, but then what? What if he doesn’t respond?
Heidi
Hi Jayshree,
I’m confused. He said he still loves you and he kissed you? Was it passionate? Could you feel his feelings for you? Did something change?
Heidi
Hi Susan,
Of course it’s possible he is falling for you. However, it’s important to match words with action, otherwise there is something out of balance. He may be saying that, but is he showing you as well?
I want to invite you to use a different mindset / thinking with him. Instead of saying “how can i “make” him continue to feel he “needs” me in his life…” it will be more effective to say “how can I “inspire” him to continue to feel he wants me in his life.
“making” someone do anything is like being a parent/child, boss/employee. You want to inspire it from him. And you don’t want him to “need” you as that is creating dependency. You want him to WANT you in his life. You want to be an “addition” to his life vs. “completing” his life. Do you understand the difference between these words and the intention behind them?
It’s hard to know what you can continue to do to inspire him to keep you in his life, as each person / relationship is very different. In general, men LOVE being appreciated, asked for help, sexual, respected. You can always ask him those questions by the way. You can say something like, “So what do you feel is working well in our relationship? Is there anything you feel isn’t working right now?” Or “How can I be a better partner for you?” Something to that affect is giving him a voice and safe space to express all his concerns / thoughts etc. so you guys can address them.
another way to help keep him engaged could be creativity of how you spend your time together. Go online and find some crazy, off the wall questions and take him out on the town and ask him the questions. Go do things you have never done before…maybe go volunteer at a shelter for a day…or go paint a mug for each other etc… Change your appearance up a bit…maybe more creative clothes, different shoes, a different hairstyle, different makeup….these things may be small, but it helps him see you in a different way and most of all…lets him know you are always up for an adventure, you are a bit unpredictable and you are open and fun.
Does all of this help give you some ideas?
Heidi
Helen!
What happened in the car that makes you think he got a little upset? Do you feel whatever that was, is the reason for him pulling away?
What do you mean he is a little neurotic? In what ways?
I am so glad you had a lot of fun with him. It is a wonderful beginning! I don’t know why he is not responding, but the first thing you need to do is back away and DO NOT chase him. You need to communicate to him that you need to be fought for and you are not going to chase him (like all the other women have done on FB or other ways). Help him respect you by backing off and moving on with your life. He may have been wonderful for 8 hours, but he also need to prove to you that HE IS HIS WORD. He said he was going to contact you and see you next week…and so far he is not honoring that. HUGE caution flag. He may be one of those guys that is BRILLIANT in person and in the moment, but completely sucks on follow through. I don’t know. The reason doesn’t really matter…his lack of response is letting you know that something is amiss…and he either will tell you or not…either way…if you keep reaching out and trying to connect, it could really do some damage on how he thinks about you. Love yourself and respect YOURSELF enough to believe that you are worth fighting for…and require that from him!!!
Heidi
Mavis!!! That was a wonderful response!!! Well done! And I don’t know if he was in a better mood or because you were less animated with your “thank you” but he sure responded with more words and an emotion! That’s good!
Yes…send him a message about your car. Something simple like, “Hey…heading to china for a week and wanted to park my car at your office. Would you mind just keeping an eye on it for me?” and if you want to be funny (not sure if this humor works for you guys) you could say something funny like, “and if you have some spare time, feel free to wash it and give it some good carpet cleaning…lol” Or maybe something to that affect.
Thoughts?
Heidi
