[Heidi G]

Hi Rebecca,

LDR is so difficult when trying to get to know someone. So much communication is over text and phone that you really don’t get a full idea of who the person is. It takes and extrememly long time to get to know someone that way, so patience is a virtue in a situation like this.

I think your plan is a great one! He i still really responsive which is great! It’s a good idea to let him know what it feel like to be respected and honored for his requests and needs AND to also be help accountable for his choice. It’s important for him to know that he is affecting you and that you are really curious and interested in knowing him more, so his thoughts and opinioons are valued by you.
He most definitely will have trust issues and some really thick walls up and might be super gun -shy, so your gentleness and understaning will go a long way!

Communication take A LONG time to develop. I consider myself a very high communicator and good at it, but let me tell ya….it can get really rough sometimes!!! It’s always a process and alway taking on new shapes as you talk with different kinds of people….so keep praticing!!! It is a skill and needs constant refinement, so put yourself out there. Sometimes when I don’t know how to say something I will start by saying, “this might come out a bit messy, but bear ith me…..” and a lot of times it softens the person because you are admittin to struggle.
THoughts??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Amy,
Thank you for writing in and telling us you story. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. It’s really hard to sit back and watch a wonderful connection slowly slip through your fingers and you can’t do anything about it.

Did he talk at all about the specifics as to what he needed to get together or work through? Do you feel confident that work is the main issue?

I do know that in general, when a man’s work world is not in order, if he is not happy, if there is job insecurity or anything going on with work, men tend to crumble in the relationship department….especially if it is a new relationship. I wonderf if that is what is going on for him.

Any insights?
I’m curious what the general advice is that you are getting. I know you want to get back to where things used to be, but that time is gone. You have to create from the present moment….so in the present moment, with the information you have up to this point…what advice are you responding to?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Helen,

Man, I am so sorry to hear this! Of course you were devaststed and angry. You were really connected and he broke that off for another woman. It is so deeply hurtful when someone does that.

For now, I would just focus on your healing. I wouldn’t focus on the future and how to get him back. For right now, you have to deal with the present moment and that is helping your heart let go and heal. Do not build a possible futue with him in you mind, as that will only create a block from you fully and completely healing so your heart can be open to ALL possiblities.
So tell me what you are doing to help yourself through this. What is your plan?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Thanks for the update Peggy!

I am wondering….what are you hoping to have happen once you text him? That he will respond, of course, but then what? What if he doesn’t respond?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jayshree,

I’m confused. He said he still loves you and he kissed you? Was it passionate? Could you feel his feelings for you? Did something change?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Susan,

Of course it’s possible he is falling for you. However, it’s important to match words with action, otherwise there is something out of balance. He may be saying that, but is he showing you as well?

I want to invite you to use a different mindset / thinking with him. Instead of saying “how can i “make” him continue to feel he “needs” me in his life…” it will be more effective to say “how can I “inspire” him to continue to feel he wants me in his life.

“making” someone do anything is like being a parent/child, boss/employee. You want to inspire it from him. And you don’t want him to “need” you as that is creating dependency. You want him to WANT you in his life. You want to be an “addition” to his life vs. “completing” his life. Do you understand the difference between these words and the intention behind them?

It’s hard to know what you can continue to do to inspire him to keep you in his life, as each person / relationship is very different. In general, men LOVE being appreciated, asked for help, sexual, respected. You can always ask him those questions by the way. You can say something like, “So what do you feel is working well in our relationship? Is there anything you feel isn’t working right now?” Or “How can I be a better partner for you?” Something to that affect is giving him a voice and safe space to express all his concerns / thoughts etc. so you guys can address them.

another way to help keep him engaged could be creativity of how you spend your time together. Go online and find some crazy, off the wall questions and take him out on the town and ask him the questions. Go do things you have never done before…maybe go volunteer at a shelter for a day…or go paint a mug for each other etc… Change your appearance up a bit…maybe more creative clothes, different shoes, a different hairstyle, different makeup….these things may be small, but it helps him see you in a different way and most of all…lets him know you are always up for an adventure, you are a bit unpredictable and you are open and fun.

Does all of this help give you some ideas?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Helen!

What happened in the car that makes you think he got a little upset? Do you feel whatever that was, is the reason for him pulling away?

What do you mean he is a little neurotic? In what ways?

I am so glad you had a lot of fun with him. It is a wonderful beginning! I don’t know why he is not responding, but the first thing you need to do is back away and DO NOT chase him. You need to communicate to him that you need to be fought for and you are not going to chase him (like all the other women have done on FB or other ways). Help him respect you by backing off and moving on with your life. He may have been wonderful for 8 hours, but he also need to prove to you that HE IS HIS WORD. He said he was going to contact you and see you next week…and so far he is not honoring that. HUGE caution flag. He may be one of those guys that is BRILLIANT in person and in the moment, but completely sucks on follow through. I don’t know. The reason doesn’t really matter…his lack of response is letting you know that something is amiss…and he either will tell you or not…either way…if you keep reaching out and trying to connect, it could really do some damage on how he thinks about you. Love yourself and respect YOURSELF enough to believe that you are worth fighting for…and require that from him!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Mavis!!! That was a wonderful response!!! Well done! And I don’t know if he was in a better mood or because you were less animated with your “thank you” but he sure responded with more words and an emotion! That’s good!

Yes…send him a message about your car. Something simple like, “Hey…heading to china for a week and wanted to park my car at your office. Would you mind just keeping an eye on it for me?” and if you want to be funny (not sure if this humor works for you guys) you could say something funny like, “and if you have some spare time, feel free to wash it and give it some good carpet cleaning…lol” Or maybe something to that affect.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Bell,

It sounds like he is still a little responsive. The first thing I would invite you to consider is to work on disconnecting more. You are contacting him several times in a row without him returning your efforts. This can cause a man to want to put walls up and pull away. In essence, you are easily available and whether a man knows it or not, it causes him to be less attracted to her. Most men love to chase.

So again, I would no longer initiate and allow him to work for connection with you. He did it before, so let him do it again. You made several attempts at trying to connect with him…so now it’s time to step away a bit. Maybe even consider not asking him to connect anymore for awhile. Have him make several attempts at trying to get together with you. Always be responsive…sometimes sooner, sometimes later, but be responsive…do not initiate. Does this make sense?? And do not initiate a text unless it is in response to something he sent you. Let him take the lead and you sit in the passenger seat. I know this may be difficult, but give it a shot for a few weeks and see what happens.

What are your thoughts on this approach?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tanya,

I get that it’s hard to NOT go get what you want. I am the same way in the sense that when I see something I desire, I put forth all my energy to create it in my life.

Maybe a different perspective will help? When I back off and allow space for a man to “chase” me, in essence, I AM being authentic for this reason…I know that I am someone worth fighting for and it’s obviously important for me to see that he feels the same way. So by me backing off and letting him take the lead, not only gives me the opportunity to watch how he responds to that, as well as honoring his VERY NATURAL need to want to chase. You are a strong woman. As much as that is a wonderful thing, it also will hurt you sometimes, so your goal is to be aware of when your strength will serve you and when it will work against you. A man WANTS a strong woman, but many times desires a woman who is also able to be very comfortable, and even desire for him to be the leader. This is generally speaking of course and there are a gazillion exceptions to this general idea, but the point is not only honoring your strength and your nature, but also honoring the man’s (and finding pleasure in it as well). I imagine I am not saying much that you don’t already know, so at the very least, let it be validating 🙂

Besides…A CRUCIAL skill for dating and relationship is learning how to be comfortable when you are not get what you want or need from the other person…so it’s good this is making you uncomfortable! It will help you expand and learn how to be a better partner for whoever it is that you end up with!

Thanks for the Instagram page….I’ll check it out!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tanya!

You ask some great questions!!! I’m so glad you are here sharing your story and being curious. That is a SERIOUS bonus for any guy who catches your attention!

Welcome back to the dating world….lol. It’s very different than 12 years ago. I’m curious as to why you stayed away for so long? And also, what has inspired you to re-enter?

I have a few thoughts about your situation.

First, definitely back off and let him initiate this next one. You gave him your schedule and now the ball in his court to create something with you. Give him his space and allow him to miss you, allow him to HAVE to make the move to create a way to see you. Men need that. They need a bit of a challenge and a woman who is confident and secure enough to let him chase her vs. being so easy. So for now, keep living your life as you normally would and just wait until he initiates contact. Besides…it’s going to give you some information about him. How long does he wait? Does he initiate etc….it gives you information about WHO HE REALLY is when he has a busy work schedule, as this will happen again. It’s important to notice patterns.

Do you believe the things he said and “assume” he is into you??? Absolutely not! In the beginning of getting to know someone, there is no history to understand whether they are truly honest, authentic and solid. In the beginning, you need to really be watching for their actions and words lining up with each other. I have coached countless people through their understandable confusion of why they are being ghosted when the person was “totally into them” one moment, then all of a sudden started to disappear. It takes times to really see if you like each other. You need to see each other in all situations, you need to learn to trust each other, you need to meet each other’s friends etc. So in the beginning, liking someone is really “unstable.” So many factors keep that feeling going or cause it to die out. BUT…I would not take his distancing, as a sign he isn’t into you. Yes, that may be true, but many other things could be true as well. He REALLY could be busy at work. Yes…people really get so bombarded with work and commitments, they do not have time for a conversation. If that were to keep happening over several weeks….how true it is that he is busy or not….doesn’t really matter. It’s a behavior that doesn’t allow a relationship to grow.

I absolutely LOVE that you believe you are a catch! That is soooo important when dating. He will treat you how you treat you….and it sounds like you really like yourself, so keep up the good work! It is a crucial part of dating!!!

Let me know your thoughts so far. There is much more to share, but I thought this was enough for now….we would love your feedback from the material as you go over it this weekend and definitely want to be a part of your process, so keep us updated!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Mavis,

Well done on everything you do to take care of yourself! You have a really good list going on! Keep it up!!!

Would you be willing to see a counselor? What if you started to see a counselor once or month or so…and that could lead to some really good role modeling for him to take that leap as well. You can say something like, “I’ve been seeing this counselor and really like them. I’ve found some areas where I am really stuck and finally feeling much better about all of it. I thought of you since you still might have some left over feelings about your divorce. If you want their number to just try it for a session, let me know.”

Okay..so since he is a shy guy and doesn’t have much of an emotional response to any compliments you give him, it might mean compliments are really uncomfortable for him…that’s my best guess though. If this is the case, smaller compliments are going to be much more easy for him to take, so start with smaller things. The bigger deal you make about something, the more it will really push him away.

As far as saying “thank you” for him finishing your deed of trust, just a simple acknowledgment is appropriate. You are paying him for that work, correct? So anything above and beyond is thanking him for something he should be doing anyways. Maybe you could send his secretary some flowers and get him a box of chocolates or something if you feel it is necessary. You can leave a simple note just saying, “Thank you for your help. This meant a lot to me” and just leave it at that.

Again, the less “animated” or “big” your gestures of appreciation and compliments are, the more he might come out of his shell a little bit more.

What are your thoughts on that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

HI Peggy!

what did you think of the john gray video? Kanya explained some great, and very important differences between men and women. Did it help? Are you understanding your situation a little better???

Keep us updated! We want to know how you are doing!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jayshree,

I just wanted to check in and see how things are going for you. Have you followed through on disconnecting with him? Or are you still talking friend stuff? Keep us updated, even it if means you just say how you are feeling. We are good listeners and love staying connected to you through this process.
HOpe to hear from you soon with an update!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Peggy! I just wanted to check in and see how things are going with your new guy. Still going strong?? Is he still respodning to you really well??

Heidi

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