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Hi Sandra,
The “I don’t know” comment usually means they are feeling cornered and get a bit panicked about the question. You have some relevant questions though. It doesn’t mean you should avoid asking those questions though…they are important. You need to get onto the same page with each other. From his lack of response, it seems he is not interested or too scared to take that journey with you. It would be a good idea to find out. He may need a little coaxing, if he is someone you want to invest in. Does he seem to be a good communicator usually? Meaning, in your many conversations, was he always good about telling you his thoughts and feelings about his life? Do you have any idea if he was dating at all? What is his past relationship history? Does he seem to be guarded and protective of his heart because of past hurt with women?
Hi Juls,
Yes, I would suggest no contact for a few weeks. Keeping things light means you are being “curious” about his actions vs. cornering him for answers. Since he did mention his x-wife and how you would feel if he went back to her, you can say something like,
“I’ve noticed you have become much more distant over the past few weeks. I am wondering if you and your x wife are maybe working on things again and that’s okay! I’m not really surprised if that is true. I just want to get on the same page. Things have shifted, so let’s just clear the air….”
I understand your need to understand the reason behind his withdrawal. It is quite the uncomfortable space to be in. It probably is really uncomfortable for him as well trying to figure out how you fit in his life and not wanting to hurt you. Again, from what you said about his x wife, it sounds like he may be heading in that direction. So your choice is to wait a few weeks or create closure for yourself now. Considering what you have told me, I would create closure BEFORE he comes to visit. That way it’s not awkward. If you end up seeing him, it can be friendly and maybe you guys could even go have a cup of coffee or something. It sounds like he is not ready to be fully and completely honest with you, so if you present the opportunity and help create a safe space for him, you will help relieve him of his fear about all of it.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Juls,
I understand all of your points. I am actually wondering if it has to do with his x wife. If he is wanting her back, then he is obviously not fully resolved. He will be split….meaning 1 part of his is trying to move on and another part is holding on. Which basically means, he is not available for you emotionally….not fully and completely. When someone is unresolved like that, anything can trigger them into retreat. I would like to offer something for you to consider…would you be willing to let this guy go? He is not even divorced yet, which makes this situation even more emotionally complicated, beyond the fact he is still wanting to get back together with his wife (that is…if he is actually telling you the full truth). If you want to just have some fun and not take this seriously, then have at it! But the fact that you are writing to us about it and you are here to learn how to “fix” what is happening, that tells me you are a little more invested with this guy….and if that is true…you are entering into an experience with a guy who cannot offer what you are wanting from him.
As far as the 2 approaches about not contacting him or confronting him….remember that each situation is different….each person is different. I have confronted MANY men over the years and found great success with that approach (it also depends on HOW you communicate…there are ways to say it where they feel less pressured). Playing “hard to get” can also be a successful approach…AND both approaches have also resulted in failures. Is it really about the approach though? I personally believe that if someone is going to really like me for who I am and if they are really interested in continuing a relationship with me, no matter how I approach the situation, they will walk with me through it. They either are ready and willing to respond to me or not. If I mess up, I need a guy who is strong enough to tell me that my approach was ineffective for them (even if it’s only been 2 months). We are all human and we stumble through life trying to do the best we know with what we know. There is no such thing as a perfect way to approach every situation. Any guidance you read or hear about is just that….ideas….NOTHING is full proof. Over the years, I have collected a gazillion ways to solve problems because sometimes 1 thing works and then it doesn’t, so I try a different approach etc. That’s how you use the advice you learn about. You test it out and hopefully it works. If not, that’s okay! You save it for another day!
So for moving forward….you can choose to disconnect for a bit…maybe try 2 weeks and see what happens. Then if he hasn’t reached out, you can send him a text with a picture of you at the gym or something to that affect.
Or you can just have a simple conversation and approach this directly. Again, you can simply just say, “Hey…it feels like something has changed between us. I’m not sure we are on the same page anymore. Would you be willing to talk to me about that?” You can say that now or you can say it after no contact for a few weeks. Either way, you need some closure, so it’s up to you how you go about creating that for yourself. The moment you put all the power in his hands, you lose yourself. So how you can you still get your needs met through this? You have a valid concern, so what can you do to resolve this for yourself?
Heidi
HI Juls!
It is so perplexing isn’t it? And frustrating! Did you meet him online? If you did, have you recently checked his activity to see if he is still active at all? Long distance can also be very difficult. My guess is, something has happened that has nothing to do with you. Usually when there is a sudden switch in someone’s attitude or behavior, an event has occurred to cause them to pull away….an x girlfriend entered the picture, bad news about work, a family member has died….or he could have met someone new….who knows. You, of course, can take whatever approach feels best for you. I have a tendency to be more direct. After trying more subtle attempts like what you have already tried, if the pattern still continues, I will just end up asking them straight up. You can say something like, “Listen…it feels like you have pulled away and disconnected a bit more. Is everything okay? Am I imagining things or have your feelings changed? I would like to talk about this over the phone. Would you be willing to give me a call tonight?”
I would start with something to that effect. I have gotten answers over the years where someone was honest and we parted ways and where someone was NOT honest and time revealed the truth. I’ve also had someone avoid the question and not respond at all. I personally would want to know sooner than later what is happening. I hope he has the strength to be honest with whatever is going on for him.
Is this an approach you feel comfortable with?
Heidi
HI Tanya,
Just checking in! I’m hoping my previous post was not off-putting for you. My apologies if it wasn’t effective for you! I always like to know if that is the case…as I am always learning! So feel free to teach me! I appreciate hearing your thoughts.
How are things going for you??? Any new developments with your guy? Is he being a little more responsive?
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Just checking in. How are things going? I loved Kanya’s idea about activating his hero instinct. Did you give it a try? Keep us updated! We really want to hear more of your story!
heidi
Hi Rebecca!
Just checking in…how are you doing? Did you decide to talk with him?
I wanted to comment on something you said. I also grew up learning how to read and monitor someone’s emotional state out of survival. It is actually an INCREDIBLE skillset to have. The best way to use that skill is to just notice, but don’t assume. There is usually a lot of detail around whatever you are sensing from someone. So as I use that skillset of mine, what I’ve taught myself to do now is to link it directly to my curiosity. Before, I used to link it to my need to survive. But now…we are adults and no longer need that survival mechanism right? Now…when I “sense” or read a situation, I immediately get curious. If I have the kind of relationship with that person to ask questions and learn about what I am sensing, then I ask and gather information. If not, then I just continue to gather information in more in-direct ways. So give it a shot! Allow your skillset of reading someone to be used, just don’t create the story about what you are sensing without more information to validate what you are sensing. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tammy!
I wanted to check in…how are things going? Have you gone through our program yet? Are you using any new techniques you have learned that are working well? maybe not working well?
We’d love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand that “pushing” for a conversation can cause a man to back away. I have 2 things to say to that. First, is you never know. Every single person is different and has different reactions. What’s important is that you know yourself and you know your situation better than anyone. If you feel a conversation is appropriate, then go for it. If not, then honor that. You are the best person to make that decision…not advice you are reading about. Second, I personally am not interested in a man who does not have the strength to communicate his feelings to me, even if they are not positive. You guys have had a relationship for 9 months! If it were only a few months, that’s different. But you guys have had enough time together to establish a relationship that requires honesty and authenticity. If he backs away and runs from talking with you about the current status of your relationship, then he gets to do that….and then that will tell you what kind of guy he is under stress. As much as that might hurt, imagine more that you are being “rescued” from being with a guy who runs away instead of towards you when things get tough. He would not make much of a good partner during the tough times. And that is the main indicator of a relationship that can last long term….how do you treat each other under stress? If they are generous, connective, kind, graceful respectful….you have a GREAT catch! If they are anything less than respectful, or are disconnected, or not a good communicator….you are in for a rough road…..as the quality of relationship is determined most by what happens under stress. I would rather confront and create closure with someone than to sit and wonder and wait. I might wait for a short period of time….my tolerance is pretty low though…but that’s just me. If the guy is not willing to talk with me through something, they of course have that choice and I honor that. There is no “pushing” for a conversation….there is just “inviting” a conversation.
No matter what anyone says about what to do, remember that we have limited information. Even if you don’t go for a conversation, I’m just saying not to assume and make a decision based on very little information. I say….go gather more information, ask him questions and provide him with the opportunity to explain if he wants to. If he doesn’t, then you have that info. that he doesn’t want to talk about it….which then give you enough information to move on, if that is your choice….or continue waiting. This is YOUR design!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Would you consider giving him a chance to reply first? Here is the thing about your text…you are “sensing” he is not seeing a future with you. Which means you are “assuming” that because of his actions. Assuming anything is a dangerous thing to do. You have created a whole story about HIS thought process without even talking to him about it. And that can be really frustrating on the other end. What if you are not accurate?
If you can have the conversation IN PERSON or on the phone, that is definitely much better! I DO NOT recommend resolving relationship issues over text, as there is so much potential for misunderstanding someone. TALK TO HIM!!! You can text and say something like, “Do you just have 5 minutes? I need to ask you something really quick. I promise it won’t take up much of your time and I’ll keep it short.” See if he will respond to that.
If you want to text, you can say something like, “I miss you and I can’t help feeling that what you and I started, is now fizzling out. I’ve backed off, giving you some space in hopes you would come back around at some point. I am now finding that I am reaching my limit though. Is there any chance you and I can talk to clear the air? I would love to understand what is happening. Do we need to end things? Do we need to re-design? I don’t know. I just know that how things are right now are just not working for me anymore. I think it’s just time to get onto the same page, whatever that may be. Would you be willing to meet for coffee or at least have a phone conversation this week? I would prefer not to do this over text.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m really sad to hear this. I’m so sorry! I know it hurts and feels so confusing.
Have you looked at his profile before? I am wondering if it has been active all this time and you just weren’t looking? Or had he taken it down and now it’s back up again?
How do you feel about creating closure and saying something to him? Or would you rather just not talk about it and let him go and move on without saying anything?
Man, I’m sorry. Heartbreak is so painful. Keep loving yourself. Be kind, be gentle, surround yourself with good energy, lots of beautiful flowers and some good movies. It’s going to take some time. You will heal and the hurt will start to dissipate.
Keep us updated please! We are here to listen, even if you just want to vent!Heidi
Peggy!!!! This is wonderful news!!! I bet you feel amazing! You handled that so well and it sounds like he was very responsive. That is the first step in building trust again.
For now….do not call him. I know he said to call anytime, but I would wait until some momentum builds back up first. If you give him a lot of space, he will feel that you have changed…since you pressured him before about being committed….so him getting to EXPERIENCE you as being patient, working on your own stuff and that you are truly sorry….it will help him feel safe entering into a connection with you again. Let him take the lead. You sit back and your job is to respond and be happy and light and connective when he does connect…and then hopefully some momentum will build and you guys will re-design your connection together.
That’s just a place to start. So give it a few more weeks and see what he does about initiating contact with you.
What do you think about that?
Heidi
Okay! I totally get it! The not trusting yourself and the perfectionism is actually all the same exact thing. Not trusting yourself is about you not showing up “perfect”….meaning you don’t trust yourself to say the right thing, be the right thing etc….so the lack of trust stems from your need for showing up perfectly. Does that make sense???
Here is the first place to start in order to help you relax more….the trust in yourself is NOT about showing up the “right” way or even simply showing up in a way that you feel understood. The focus of your trust needs to be on your ability to be resilient. You want to be saying to yourself, “I trust myself that no matter what shows up, no matter what comes out of my mouth, no matter the reaction that the person in front of me has about me….I will be okay. I trust myself to use my skills and knowledge and wisdom to handle anything that happens. I trust myself to be resilient and always grow and get stronger and become more of my potential when challenge shows up.” Just a little background on me….I’ve studied dating and relationships for over 2 decades from books to seminars to working with healers and obviously, having a TON of personal experience. I know A LOT….AND….I mess up all the time!!! I say things that are not effective, I get misunderstood ALL THE TIME, I am a very skilled communicator and I still fumble…I know you “know” this in your mind….perfection is an illusion…but there is a part of you (usually a young, wounded part) that does not actually know that….it’s that young part of you that is in the driver’s seat of your car, leading the way. What needs to happen is YOU, THE ADULT, needs to be in the driver’s seat and that younger, wounded part needs to be in the back seat. Essentially what is happening, is that you are disconnecting from yourself when you make decisions from the need of perfection. Not that you don’t strive for that….it’s more about the “I don’t know that I”m going to be okay if I don’t get this “right” or if I don’t do the right thing or if I get rejected.” Perfection helps us avoid rejection right? In an ideal world of course. But again…remember I am talking about what the younger, wounded part of you believes…I’m not talking about what the adult part of you knows. You are split in this particular category. So what needs to happen to stay connected to your little girl energy is saying to her, “I love you. Even if he doesn’t choose you, I choose you. You are worth loving and fighting for, even when you don’t say or do the right things.” Instead what you are doing is NOT loving yourself through this…this is a part of you that carries low self esteem, so when you “don’t trust yourself” you essentially are saying to your little girl energy “I don’t love you when you are not perfect.”
This is a VERY dynamic topic, so I’m just giving you the basics. Let’s start with these concepts first and let me know your thoughts on it before I take you any further.
Heidi
Great question! The way you worded it was great! You were just letting him know and not adding any pressure or expectation. Maybe something will come of it! Just leave it be for now…you reached out and now it’s his turn to initiate….so for now….stay silent. Don’t send anything to him until he initiates contact.
I also want to encourage you to trust yourself as well. You are an intelligent and confident woman. I am wondering if you have a really strong drive for “perfection” and doing everything the “right” way. If this is true, it’s a wonderful aspect AND it will shoot you in the foot as well. Our greatest gifts are our greatest weaknesses right? This can be a wonderful time for you to get more in relationship with that side of yourself that does everything she can to be “perfect” or do the “right” thing. It’s all an illusion right? We can talk more about that if you want, but I don’t want to dive into that side of things unless it is something you identify with and are interested in exploring.
Let me know!
Heidi
Tanya!!! Holy smokes! YOU ROCK!!!! Well done!!!! And the best part is, he opened up and gave you all the information you needed instead of confronting him about his disappearing act. woooohoooo!!!
I’m smiling over here. I am so happy you got to have such a wonderful time with him. Kudos to him for being courageous enough to be honest, kudos for him having a therapist and for letting you into his life as much as he possibly could!!!
As far as the next steps….there is nothing to do except to wait. Still allowing him to initiate is important. There is nothing wrong with sending him a quick thought, picture or something to brighten his day, but just every once awhile. He still needs to feel like he can set the pace and that you are patient. So that means being really responsive when he does initiate contact….and you doing showing him that you can be patient. There may be a point where you start to shift and there just isn’t enough to feed the experience with him, but when that happens, you will deal with it and be honest with him. But until then, I suggest to keep dating and sit back and relax and enjoy this wonderful connection he has offered so far.
You were sooooo great allowing him to help you, kinda tripping (hahahaha! perfect!) and being your full, powerful, feminine self that allows a man to feel his full, powerful masculine self. Isn’t it such a beautiful experience when it flows like that???? It’s so amazing to me!!!!
Heidi
