Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Tammy!
I wanted to check in…how are things going? Have you gone through our program yet? Are you using any new techniques you have learned that are working well? maybe not working well?
We’d love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand that “pushing” for a conversation can cause a man to back away. I have 2 things to say to that. First, is you never know. Every single person is different and has different reactions. What’s important is that you know yourself and you know your situation better than anyone. If you feel a conversation is appropriate, then go for it. If not, then honor that. You are the best person to make that decision…not advice you are reading about. Second, I personally am not interested in a man who does not have the strength to communicate his feelings to me, even if they are not positive. You guys have had a relationship for 9 months! If it were only a few months, that’s different. But you guys have had enough time together to establish a relationship that requires honesty and authenticity. If he backs away and runs from talking with you about the current status of your relationship, then he gets to do that….and then that will tell you what kind of guy he is under stress. As much as that might hurt, imagine more that you are being “rescued” from being with a guy who runs away instead of towards you when things get tough. He would not make much of a good partner during the tough times. And that is the main indicator of a relationship that can last long term….how do you treat each other under stress? If they are generous, connective, kind, graceful respectful….you have a GREAT catch! If they are anything less than respectful, or are disconnected, or not a good communicator….you are in for a rough road…..as the quality of relationship is determined most by what happens under stress. I would rather confront and create closure with someone than to sit and wonder and wait. I might wait for a short period of time….my tolerance is pretty low though…but that’s just me. If the guy is not willing to talk with me through something, they of course have that choice and I honor that. There is no “pushing” for a conversation….there is just “inviting” a conversation.
No matter what anyone says about what to do, remember that we have limited information. Even if you don’t go for a conversation, I’m just saying not to assume and make a decision based on very little information. I say….go gather more information, ask him questions and provide him with the opportunity to explain if he wants to. If he doesn’t, then you have that info. that he doesn’t want to talk about it….which then give you enough information to move on, if that is your choice….or continue waiting. This is YOUR design!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Would you consider giving him a chance to reply first? Here is the thing about your text…you are “sensing” he is not seeing a future with you. Which means you are “assuming” that because of his actions. Assuming anything is a dangerous thing to do. You have created a whole story about HIS thought process without even talking to him about it. And that can be really frustrating on the other end. What if you are not accurate?
If you can have the conversation IN PERSON or on the phone, that is definitely much better! I DO NOT recommend resolving relationship issues over text, as there is so much potential for misunderstanding someone. TALK TO HIM!!! You can text and say something like, “Do you just have 5 minutes? I need to ask you something really quick. I promise it won’t take up much of your time and I’ll keep it short.” See if he will respond to that.
If you want to text, you can say something like, “I miss you and I can’t help feeling that what you and I started, is now fizzling out. I’ve backed off, giving you some space in hopes you would come back around at some point. I am now finding that I am reaching my limit though. Is there any chance you and I can talk to clear the air? I would love to understand what is happening. Do we need to end things? Do we need to re-design? I don’t know. I just know that how things are right now are just not working for me anymore. I think it’s just time to get onto the same page, whatever that may be. Would you be willing to meet for coffee or at least have a phone conversation this week? I would prefer not to do this over text.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m really sad to hear this. I’m so sorry! I know it hurts and feels so confusing.
Have you looked at his profile before? I am wondering if it has been active all this time and you just weren’t looking? Or had he taken it down and now it’s back up again?
How do you feel about creating closure and saying something to him? Or would you rather just not talk about it and let him go and move on without saying anything?
Man, I’m sorry. Heartbreak is so painful. Keep loving yourself. Be kind, be gentle, surround yourself with good energy, lots of beautiful flowers and some good movies. It’s going to take some time. You will heal and the hurt will start to dissipate.
Keep us updated please! We are here to listen, even if you just want to vent!Heidi
Peggy!!!! This is wonderful news!!! I bet you feel amazing! You handled that so well and it sounds like he was very responsive. That is the first step in building trust again.
For now….do not call him. I know he said to call anytime, but I would wait until some momentum builds back up first. If you give him a lot of space, he will feel that you have changed…since you pressured him before about being committed….so him getting to EXPERIENCE you as being patient, working on your own stuff and that you are truly sorry….it will help him feel safe entering into a connection with you again. Let him take the lead. You sit back and your job is to respond and be happy and light and connective when he does connect…and then hopefully some momentum will build and you guys will re-design your connection together.
That’s just a place to start. So give it a few more weeks and see what he does about initiating contact with you.
What do you think about that?
Heidi
Okay! I totally get it! The not trusting yourself and the perfectionism is actually all the same exact thing. Not trusting yourself is about you not showing up “perfect”….meaning you don’t trust yourself to say the right thing, be the right thing etc….so the lack of trust stems from your need for showing up perfectly. Does that make sense???
Here is the first place to start in order to help you relax more….the trust in yourself is NOT about showing up the “right” way or even simply showing up in a way that you feel understood. The focus of your trust needs to be on your ability to be resilient. You want to be saying to yourself, “I trust myself that no matter what shows up, no matter what comes out of my mouth, no matter the reaction that the person in front of me has about me….I will be okay. I trust myself to use my skills and knowledge and wisdom to handle anything that happens. I trust myself to be resilient and always grow and get stronger and become more of my potential when challenge shows up.” Just a little background on me….I’ve studied dating and relationships for over 2 decades from books to seminars to working with healers and obviously, having a TON of personal experience. I know A LOT….AND….I mess up all the time!!! I say things that are not effective, I get misunderstood ALL THE TIME, I am a very skilled communicator and I still fumble…I know you “know” this in your mind….perfection is an illusion…but there is a part of you (usually a young, wounded part) that does not actually know that….it’s that young part of you that is in the driver’s seat of your car, leading the way. What needs to happen is YOU, THE ADULT, needs to be in the driver’s seat and that younger, wounded part needs to be in the back seat. Essentially what is happening, is that you are disconnecting from yourself when you make decisions from the need of perfection. Not that you don’t strive for that….it’s more about the “I don’t know that I”m going to be okay if I don’t get this “right” or if I don’t do the right thing or if I get rejected.” Perfection helps us avoid rejection right? In an ideal world of course. But again…remember I am talking about what the younger, wounded part of you believes…I’m not talking about what the adult part of you knows. You are split in this particular category. So what needs to happen to stay connected to your little girl energy is saying to her, “I love you. Even if he doesn’t choose you, I choose you. You are worth loving and fighting for, even when you don’t say or do the right things.” Instead what you are doing is NOT loving yourself through this…this is a part of you that carries low self esteem, so when you “don’t trust yourself” you essentially are saying to your little girl energy “I don’t love you when you are not perfect.”
This is a VERY dynamic topic, so I’m just giving you the basics. Let’s start with these concepts first and let me know your thoughts on it before I take you any further.
Heidi
Great question! The way you worded it was great! You were just letting him know and not adding any pressure or expectation. Maybe something will come of it! Just leave it be for now…you reached out and now it’s his turn to initiate….so for now….stay silent. Don’t send anything to him until he initiates contact.
I also want to encourage you to trust yourself as well. You are an intelligent and confident woman. I am wondering if you have a really strong drive for “perfection” and doing everything the “right” way. If this is true, it’s a wonderful aspect AND it will shoot you in the foot as well. Our greatest gifts are our greatest weaknesses right? This can be a wonderful time for you to get more in relationship with that side of yourself that does everything she can to be “perfect” or do the “right” thing. It’s all an illusion right? We can talk more about that if you want, but I don’t want to dive into that side of things unless it is something you identify with and are interested in exploring.
Let me know!
Heidi
Tanya!!! Holy smokes! YOU ROCK!!!! Well done!!!! And the best part is, he opened up and gave you all the information you needed instead of confronting him about his disappearing act. woooohoooo!!!
I’m smiling over here. I am so happy you got to have such a wonderful time with him. Kudos to him for being courageous enough to be honest, kudos for him having a therapist and for letting you into his life as much as he possibly could!!!
As far as the next steps….there is nothing to do except to wait. Still allowing him to initiate is important. There is nothing wrong with sending him a quick thought, picture or something to brighten his day, but just every once awhile. He still needs to feel like he can set the pace and that you are patient. So that means being really responsive when he does initiate contact….and you doing showing him that you can be patient. There may be a point where you start to shift and there just isn’t enough to feed the experience with him, but when that happens, you will deal with it and be honest with him. But until then, I suggest to keep dating and sit back and relax and enjoy this wonderful connection he has offered so far.
You were sooooo great allowing him to help you, kinda tripping (hahahaha! perfect!) and being your full, powerful, feminine self that allows a man to feel his full, powerful masculine self. Isn’t it such a beautiful experience when it flows like that???? It’s so amazing to me!!!!
Heidi
Hi Tammy!
Congrats! Feels wonderful doesn’t it???? I understand your fear. It is very normal, considering everything you have already been through. Would you consider finding a coach or a therapist to help you clear this stuff? The thing is, those issues will not go away and they will always be a barrier between you and Carlos….and each of those issues is a GUARANTEED argument at some point. We all have issues and fears and limitations, so the goal is not necessarily to be problem free, but to clear those problems as much as we can as well as learn how to develop a skillset to handle our emotions when those triggers come up…because they will. So if you really want to keep this guy, the best thing you can do is to start actively working on those issues and learn how to handle all the emotions around it…because if you don’t, you are going to make him pay the price for what all of those other men have done….and that is not fair to Carlos. He deserves as clean a slate as you can give him.
I love that you have joined up with us! There is so much to learn in this program and understand about men, so I am glad you are willing to take those steps. You are already a better partner for it!!!! Well done!
Keep us updated with any thoughts, questions or experiences you have. We would love to hear more of your story!!!!
Heidi
How about you look at it from a different perspective….yes, it could be logical, but what about looking at it from a “heart” perspective. If you take things slow, you are really CARING about your relationship. You are really honoring that getting to know each other on a romantic level is going to take time. Even though you have known each other a long time, you DO NOT know each other romantically, so this is brand new territory for you guys. Give it some time. By NOT saying “i love you” you are also really caring about him…..and wanting HIM to take the lead so he feels comfortable with you all along the way vs. feeling rushed. Think about it…if you guys end up together, you will have MANY MANY moments of saying “i love you.” These moments now are rare…where you are getting to know each other BEFORE the “I love you.” It’s kind of like foreplay. That sometimes is the best, most powerful and imprinting part of the whole sexual experience because there is buildup, impulse control, mystery. That’s the zone you guys are in right now….ENJOY IT!!! Make it last as long as you possibly can because once a certain line is crossed, you will leave this zone and never go back.
What do ya think?
Heidi
Well done!!! I love that you are gonna try some the techniques and most of all, that you are having an awareness that you may not be coming across very vulnerable. My coach says many brilliant things to me, but one of them is saying, “You never know what a son of a bi*** you are until someone else is in the room.” So true right? You would never kno how NOT vulnerable you are until someone reflects that back to you. At the very least, he and every other date you go on, will be a good reflection for you. There is a lot of growing to do when dating. It’s a great platform for exposing and practicing new skills.
Can’t wait to hear how everything goes!!!!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
This is a great thing to ask for help for from him! He gets to help you learn how to keep yourself safe! You are doing a great job and I second what Kanya said. Good job on waiting a bit to contact him! It is so much more helpful to be more calm and centered, that way you will have a much healthier interaction.
Keep us updated! WE want to hear what happens!!!
Heidi
Of course you are scared! It is very normal to feel that way, especially when there are sudden changes and you don’t understand them. Work on letting go of the anger and hurt. Forgive him for not being the kind of guy you needed him to be and forgive yourself for not being able to get your needs met. Work on letting it all go, so that you have a clear mind to move forward as you need to. As long as you hold onto those hurt feelings, it clouds your perspective and keeps you in a lower form of thinking. It will only hurt you and maybe even leak out onto him.
When do you plan to call him?
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
Haha! This guy is funny. Of course he is missing you….you hid your Instagram stories so now he cannot get his daily dose of you anymore! He is just trying to hook you back into him, especially since he has been quite distant and flaky with you. I rolled my eyes too! lol!
Just something to think about….you are a very direct and authentic person. Sometimes, it really is good to just not say some things. I tend to be very blunt like you, as that is what is real. I am not afraid of what they might say or respond like…and I like to watch what they do with that side of me. But sometimes, it’s good to NOT be that. I personally would not say anything about this particular texting and disappearing thing. I think it’s important for you to just keep observing him. You barely know each other….maybe after this lunch, the behavior will change. I would still just give it more time and see what happens. No confronting as of yet. He will know that it is something that bothered you and I don’t know if I would play my cards this early. I would still want to see what he NATURALLY does without influence of my thoughts about his behavior. But of course, you will know what works for you in the moment. Either way…you will get the information you need about him to decide whether to keep interacting with him.
As far as the modern dating scene, it’s tough. I understand your frustration as it is pretty normal. Try viewing it from a different perspective. It’s really easy to fall into judgement of everyone who isn’t being “authentic” so I tend to practice looking behind the “veil.” Being authentic takes great strength, so something is missing in them that they are not able to be their true self. So instead of feeling judgment and frustration and irritation towards them, I PRACTICE having compassion for them as they are afraid of something…so I work on being “grace” with those that are struggling with that….as we all know what that feels like. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Maria!
You sure have been through a lot. You both have. I bet it feels absolutely wonderful to get to feel those kinds of feelings again.
I would suggest to live with that feeling for a bit. No need to rush into telling him or turning your relationship into something other than what it is right now. The moment you say “I love you” it changes things….I’d like to see you just feel those feelings for him and keep it to yourself for the time being. He is so young and it might just be a bit scary for him. When you say that to him, most likely what will flash before his eyes is you wanting to marry him, have kids etc. You are not some 22 year old saying it, you are a grown woman who is fully capable of that. Keep spending time with him and let him create the pace. If he flirts, flirt back…if he initiates something, respond to it….This is my personal choice and opinion, but I like to have the guy tell me he loves me first. Partly because I want HIM to step into that space with me and lead me there vs. the other way around. When a man finally says it, on his own time, you know he is really ready. Many times a man is tempted to say it in return because he doesn’t want to upset the woman and he feels pressured. I like to just let the guy come to that conclusion on his own and find the strength to say it to me…all on his own…..no different than when a guy asks me out…I will send the signals, but ultimately, he has to come get me. I’m a pretty traditional gal though. I’ve dated for 20 years and had so many different experiences and coached people through theirs as well and I have just seen that men respond sooooo much better when the woman has patience and lets the man take the lead.
How does this approach make you feel?
Heidi
