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Hi Brandy,
I wish I could give you some clear cut answers and guarantees, but there really is not such thing when it comes to love and relationships. He doesn’t even know if he will come back to you. He doesn’t know how much time it will take. Every single person is different. I would say most people would struggle, as you are, to have patience. If you are not going to choose to let him go at this point, your only other choice is patience. I know you are afraid that he giving him space might mean that he won’t come back. There is truth in that. Again, there is not guarantee how any of this will turn out no matter what you do. I know many, many situations where the person did everything “by the book” and did everything “right” and it still didn’t turn out the way they needed. Anything you do will have a risk component to it. All you can do is the very best that you know how.
What I would suggest for you in this moment, is to instead focus on yourself and not as much on him. This will also help your situation. The more confidence you have, the more self love you have, the more you will be attractive. When a person is in fear about losing someone, essentially that fear is saying, “I will not be okay without them” and that is a BIG insecurity. If instead you had the thought, “I don’t want to lose him, but I will be okay if that is what happens.” That is self love, that is strength, that is the truth. When you have fear in the driver’s seat, situations usually end up waaaaay more messy and chaotic. When you have truth in the driver’s seat, that’s when there is more peace, more flow, more acceptance. So each time you start to feel the fear about losing him, you then follow that thought with “I am enough, I am loveable, I am worth fighting for.” You need to connect and love yourself first and foremost before you start asking for that from someone else.
It is a skill to be okay in the unknown. There will be many, many more times in your life where you will be in the “waiting zone” and there is nothing you can do about it. Not knowing is difficult. Use this time to find peace, pleasure, joy and comfort while you are in this zone. The more you practice getting comfortable with not knowing, the more strength you develop the easier all of this will be.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear. I wish I could give you answers and guaranteed techniques that work. The only thing I can guarantee you is that there is a way for you to feel peaceful while you are in the waiting zone. There is a way to develop patience. All you have control over is you and what you do with your reactions.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
I am deeply sorry. My heart sank when I read that. I’m glad he at least had the courtesy to create an ending instead of just disappearing.
I know you want to regret letting him into your space because of how much it hurts. I have been there many times. Once I get a hold of myself, I usually end up realizing how necessary those moments were to help me wake up to my choices and design in my life. I needed those moments to hurt so badly so that I remembered for future purposes to go about things differently.
I am just so sorry. I would never wish this kind of hurt on anyone. You will recover. Your heart will heal. You will get back up and risk again because you are that kind of strong, warrior maiden spirit. But for now, be VERY kind and loving towards yourself. When you regret, you are beating yourself up for your choices. Instead of regret, replace that with compassion for yourself. You are just out there seeking connection like the rest of us. Now it’s time for you to connect back to yourself and love yourself through this.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Keia,
If he won’t meet with you, then maybe write a letter? I think it’s that apologizing in a way that lets him know you are working on the reasons behind your sabotage. That you are taking “action.”
You could also text him something like this, “Listen…I know you need distance from me and that I have really hurt you. I don’t like the choices I made, but it’s actually been good for me. I am seeing a therapist now and really working on why I sabotaged such a great relationship with you. I’m learning a lot about myself. I never want to hurt anyone like this again. I was wondering if you could help me out with something though. In efforts to learn about myself, I have been asking various people in my life to share 1 thing they like about me and 1 thing they feel I could improve upon. Would you mind sharing your perspective with me?”
What do you think about that approach?
That way, he doesn’t feel you are pressuring him back into a relationship, you are communicating that you are actively working on yourself and you are asking for his opinion and giving him a moment to use his voice to say what he needs to say. That may lead into a longer conversation.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tanya!
Man….I get how uncomfortable you are. All of this is exposing your “fault” lines…the holes in your swiss cheese. You have incredible self esteem and you don’t….and it seems the guy department is where it really shows up for you. This is so great! And it hurts too. I’ll tell ya, there is sooooo much frustration that I deal with about online dating in general. So many people say the EXACT same thing you are saying…everything starts out so great and then all of a sudden, one person starts to drift away. All anyone wants is honesty….for someone to just be able to say they are changing their mind or are pulling away for this or that reason….but in general, I find most people are HORRIBLE at confrontation and being honest. So many people are so terrified and uncomfortable with hurting someone else…so instead of facing the situation and being honest, they slowly start to drift away in hopes that communicates to the person they are no longer interested. Social media and online dating has changed how people interact sooooo much!
My first piece of advice is to not take it personal. I know that is easier said than done. My 2nd piece of advice is to NOT confront him about not calling you. Here is a general rule to stick by….once is just once….2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. He has only not called you once. You guys are still very new and life is starting to get in the way. You haven’t known each other long enough to really see what the pattern is quite yet. Give it more time. Just keep it in the back of your mind and look for other incidents to support that this could be an actual pattern.
Lastly, ALL of your reactions are very normal AND giving you an incredibly opportunity to really face yourself on a deeper level. I love that you are working with a therapist. Explore where all of your frustrations are coming from. They are BIG frustrations, so that’s just telling me there is some baggage being triggered here. What is the source? What are these guys making you feel most? Irrelevant? Foolish? Not enough? Who else in your life made you feel like that in your past? Those are the kind of questions you want to be asking yourself to start the journey of healing.
As far as your thoughts moving really fast….usually that is a sign of wanting someone else to fill up your holes. Again…we are all like swiss cheese….we have solid parts and then holes..those holes are for US to fill up and no one else. However, that is the path rarely taken. Most people search for someone to help fill those holes….and that’s what I call the Jerry McGuire syndrome….”You complete me” kind of feeling. All of this is done subconsciously, of course. If you understand the symptoms, then you can catch yourself and work on self love and keeping connected to yourself. If you TRULY believed your heart was really valuable, worth protecting and taking incredible care of….you wouldn’t just hand it over to anyone. You would require that someone EARNED the right. You would require TIME so you could see that the person can be trusted, is safe and has the skillset to handle THE MOST VALUABLE TREASURE YOU HAVE TO OFFER! So when we don’t treat our hearts that way….when we move so fast and want to jump in, there is something else happening that is causing you to disconnect from your “treasure.” When you move too fast, you are not protecting your “treasure.”
The first place I usually explore with someone who tends to move fast is their ability and comfort level being alone. So here are some questions to think about….are you comfortable being alone? And I don’t mean being “single,” I mean being alone….which means NO male attention AT ALL. No dates, no flirting, no NOTHING. It is just you by yourself. I know most ladies, even when they are alone, will start to find themselves flirting with a guy because they so crave that attention and self esteem boost. Men and connection and attention are all things that remind them that they are a woman, that they are valuable etc. Essentially, men are source of self esteem. This is something I had to face and man was it difficult!!! I finally got to the other side and because of it, MANY of the holes in my swiss cheese were filled!!!!Those are just some things for you to explore about yourself. Basically, I want to encourage you to NOT rely or reach out to him in order for you to feel better. Develop your skillset to make yourself feel better, without his help. Connect to your needs and meet them yourself. This is what will allow you to go with the flow better. So much of your power ends up in the hands of the man and THAT is disaster. You are on the other end in dis-array because they aren’t responding in a way that makes you feel okay. Some of that is truth, but I’m guessing a lot of it is coming from the holes in your swiss cheese. So take this time as a GIFT. You are getting to see where you are giving your power away and then really work on it.
I LOVE working with you!!!! Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your process! I’m honored.
Heidi
Hi Keia,
Well done! I am glad to hear that you are connecting deeper with yourself and discovering your self sabotage. We all do it! Beware next time! You are not out of the woods. You will want to sabotage again, so recognizing the VERY FIRST symptoms of that is crucial. The moment you recognize you are heading into dangerous territory, you get with your therapist and start to work through whatever is going on!
Maybe text him and say…”Can we meet for coffee? I want to express something. I’m not going to try to change your mind, I just have some final things I would like to share with you. It won’t take long.”
Then when you talk to him, you say exactly what you wrote here. You tell him about your yucky past and that he showed you a different way to be treated but realized you didn’t feel like you deserved it etc. You got some help and you plan on continuing down that path because you realized that you really want to get better and have a different experience. Apologize again for hurting him and that if he ever changes his mind about trying again with you, that you would be honored.
The main message you want to get across to him is that you are messy AND you are working it. You are not just saying you are sorry, you are taking ACTION to fix what you did and that you are learning about yourself. that’s what most people need to see in order to possibly give it another chance.
What do you think?
Heidi
Well those are all wonderful self descriptions and a place to start for sure. So from your response, my guess is, is that you don’t feel you are moving fast in your thoughts about him? Or were you just sharing more info….
Heidi
Wow Crystal!
You are quite strong to take what I am saying and ask for more! Not many people have that internal strength to hear things they really don’t want to hear.
So here it goes again 🙁
You are asking a lot of him. You say you love him unconditionally, but truth be told, you don’t. You want him to change. You want him to use his voice, you want him to stop running, you want him to set boundaries in his life, you want him to be different (more professional / appropriate) with his ex wife, you want him to parent differently…..so if he were to just “fix” all of these things, you would be happy and you believe that you guys could live happily ever after. THIS IS WHO HE IS!!! He has every right to get to live how he wants to live. He has every right to get to stay quiet and then talk whenever he wants to talk. He has ever right to get to run when he wants to run. This is the FULL package Crystal. You either accept him for who he is, or you don’t. There is not changing him. If you go into this relationship, needing him to be different…that is where you are going to run into trouble. You don’t want him to run and he can say until he is blue in the face…”I won’t run, I promise” but truth is, HE WILL RUN AGAIN! I guarantee it! It is his pattern. He has A LOT of low esteem and trust issues. Until he gets some help to deal with his baggage, he will always be like this…and will just get worse as he ages because those issues just keep compounding over time.
So if you want to stay with him, then that means knowing for a FACT…that it is an unstable relationship….he will run….he will still hold his feelings in until one day he doesn’t….he will still lack boundaries with his ex-wife. That is the guy you need to love unconditionally. That is the guy you need to leave alone. That is the guy you will live with for the next 30 years if you choose him.
The thing is, it contradicts how YOU function in your life and that is why you keep trying to change him and control the situations. The way he lives his life triggers you. You can try all you want to “let go of control” but truth be told…anyone emotionally more connected to themselves and healthy would not have tolerance with how he lives his life. Let me explain this a bit. I used to have an EXTREMELY high pain / drama / chaos tolerance. I would stay in situations with a guy WAAAAY past the expiration date, believing that if I could just shift my needs and change MYSELF….their behaviors would not longer affect me. So I would stay and keep working on myself. My BRILLIANT coach really confronted me one time and said “Emotionally healthy people have LOW pain tolerance. Not HIGH pain tolerance. If a situation has a lot of drama, chaos, challenge in it…they run the other way. They don’t stay and keep trying to make it something that it isn’t.” Here is the analogy she gave me and it finally clicked for me what I was doing. I was very addicted to challenge and mastering myself (I called it growth, she called it an addiction – but she was right).
Here is the analogy: Imagine I gave you ingredients to make this amazing cake, but 1 of the ingredients is a big pile of poop. You can have as much sugar, vanilla, frosting etc. as you want, but you will still have this big pile poop that has to be mixed in the cake. Truth is…you could be the most amazing baker in the world and there is NOTHING you an do to make that cake taste good because there is 1 ingredient that is going to ruin the WHOLE THING. So you can give up control all you want, you can change who you are, you can go against all of your instincts to make him happy and make him feel more comfortable, but reality is….it is NOT going to change that he has qualities under stress, that is going to ruin the relationship. He does not possess qualities to make a relationship last long term and actually be happy. He has a lot of gunk inside. Until HE clears that up…he is offering you all kinds of wonderful connection and fun (the other ingredients in the cake like sugar, milk, vanilla etc.) AND he is offering you a big pile of poop (he runs, he doesn’t communicate, he doesn’t set boundaries, he is co-dependent etc.)
So….whenever I am coaching someone about choosing a partner to go through life with long term, the VERY FIRST THING I tell them is this….whenever they are at their worst, can you still love them and ACCEPT them for who they are? If you can’t and you find yourself trying to change them….then there are going to be some major problems long term. If you can love and accept the worst about someone, you are good to go! That is the FOUNDATION of a healthy relationship.
I know you love him deeply and I understand that you cannot imagine loving anyone else to the same level. Truth is…you can. Truth is, his love is very limited. He hardly loves himself and that is the main limiting factor here. He can only love you as much as he loves himself. You will always be limited with him….and you get to choose that journey with him! It’s completely your choice! But if you move forward with him, leave him be. I’m not saying that you don’t get to use your voice and express your opinions, but truth is, it’s falling on deaf ears. Your voice doesn’t change who he is…your opinions, your encouragement, your setting boundaries trying to help your relationship….all just build resentment for him. I hate to say this, but your voice is irrelevant in this situation. You are choosing a guy who doesn’t even make his own voice relevant….and you want him to make your voice important??? It’s an unrealistic expectation and one that will keep you getting hurt over and over and over again. I know this is the not the kind of experience you want to choose for your life, but then that means letting him go and facing the heart break. Either direction you look…you are going to be hurting a lot. If you stay, it will just be more of the same stuff….if you go, it means dealing with saying goodbye to the imagined life you thought you were going to have with him. I have been in your situation a handful of times and it is an awful place to be in. There are consequences either way. There is NOTHING you can do to make that cake taste good. He has to join you on that journey and so far, he has not been willing to dive deep and work on changing the poop into something better. So he is what he is.
I know this is very blunt and probably very hard to hear. You will most likely have a part of yourself that instantly comes up and defends him, defends your love, defends the fantasy life you created in your mind with him. Just live with this a little bit. You don’t have to do anything right now except to start to really look at your situation and what you are choosing. There is something in YOU that would choose such a difficult situation and have such a high pain tolerance.
Let me know your thoughts. I’m here to listen to ANTYING you need to say, any challenges, any hurt or anger you might have about what I said. I wouldn’t blame you actually. I will receive it all with an open heart! I have such great compassion for you and want to do everything I can to help you down whichever path you choose. No judgment here. I’ve taken some very difficult journeys before, on purpose, until I had enough strength to say goodbye, so I understand how you feel and what you will most likely choose and it’s okay.
Heidi
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
Wow…a lot has changed!!! I”m sorry he ghosted you. That NEVER feels good and is always surprising. You are quite resilient!
This new guy sounds like he is much more on the same page as you. The only thing I am inspired to share with you about this situation is to slow it waaaaay down. Meaning, you are saying things about him and offering compliments that you actually don’t know. You are creating a picture of him that is quite wonderful AND are actually things you don’t really know about him because you just met. It feels like you are going from 0 to 100 and missing the journey. Whenever someone tells me how “amazing” someone is, how “intelligent” or how “connective” someone is, I always like to throw in a word of caution. It’s not about being a Debbie downer, but more about being grounded as you uncover the layers of someone. So I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t feel all of those things about him….what I mean to say is that he needs to prove those qualities to you over time….so when you say he is emotionally intelligent….you don’t actually know that until you see it in action, especially under stress. I have met sooooo many people who talk the talk but when push comes to shove, they don’t walk the talk if the stress is high enough. So be excited about him for sure, but just keep your feet grounded and require that he PROVES to you that he is all that you sense about him….keep those flood gates of your heart closed until he has earned the right to have you open those gates. There is just a sense of you wanting to jump in and invest without taking the time to make sure he builds and proves to you that you can feel safe with your very heart in his hands. I am wondering if your “speediness” is connected to you feeling like you need “patience” and how all the insecurities come up.
So let me know your thoughts on all of this…I could be totally off, as reading text on my end can be very tricky and I misunderstand things all the time. For some reason, I feel like you already “know” everything I mentioned above, but I am saying it all to you more as a reminder and to help you stay grounded. It is SOOOOO freaking easy to get swept away in the chemistry….holy smokes that chemistry is so powerful and causes us to step off a cliff and not even care! I’ve done that so many times!!! So I think I’m just trying to be that person in your life that is holding onto your shirt so you don’t fall off the cliff! Does that make sense?
From his initial text messages, he sounds like the kind of guy who would jump off the cliff with you. He too is being swept away and offering compliments that have not been “earned” yet….which always raises a caution flag for me. Just something to think about!As far as you being in your feminine….it sounds like you are doing a great job so far. You are going to need to be with a man who is okay letting you be the leader sometimes as well as telling you to take a back seat when needed. It is a very natural, and beautiful part of who you are…it is a very necessary part of you…that is why you need a man who has a strong, internal sense of who he is….so that he can gently remind that he has it covered and it’s okay for you to relax. AND….as you go through this journey…it’s about you feeling safe to have everything fall apart. The male energy is about being productive and doing….so learning to be okay NOT being productive and planning and organizing etc….you won’t fall apart….your life won’t fall apart…yes, it may get a little more difficult, but you are an incredibly intelligent and resilient woman…you will be okay!!! The best way to get comfortable with not controlling a situation is to be in one and force yourself to just go with the flow and not manage it. You will know you are in that mindset because you will be extremely uncomfortable. If you are not uncomfortable, you haven’t pushed yourself far enough. Does that make sense?
You are doing such a great job! You are stepping a bit out of your comfort zone and that is so important for growth. I would say the main thing you need to focus on is dealing with the insecurities that are coming as. Those would be the root of all the behaviors which are part of your limiting patterns. So when you say you get insecure when there is reduced contact….what typically comes up? Do you know where those insecurities come from?
I love your stories!!! Please keep sharing!!!
Heidi
Hi Keia!
I am also curious about what you responded like when he found out that you slept with someone else and had lied about it. Here is the thing about something like that. Trust was broken and something like that hits VERY deep in the heart. One of the BEST ways to build trust back up is for you to dive DEEP into what caused you to make that decision in the first place and then work on clearing the “baggage” that was involved. Meaning, you made a choice that was hurtful, which also means you are fully capable of doing it again. If you do some real soul searching into what really drove you into the arms of another man then start working on healing that part of you that made that hurtful choice….it can build up trust again. He knows you could make that choice again….but if he also knows you are doing more than just saying “sorry” and you are taking ACTION of some sort to heal this part of you that sabotaged….he most likely will be much more forgiving.
I do agree with Kanya. Men and their cave is quite the important relationship that really needs to be honored. So while he is in his cave, what can YOU do to work on healing that part of you that sabotaged the situation? Then when you reconnect at some point, you teach him about yourself…you teach him what you learned, you teach him HOW you are going to be better in the future. Men need ACTION…men respond very well to PLANS!
What do you think??
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
I absolutely LOVE your honesty! Thank you!
It sounds like a great idea to take that other job offer if that is what is truly inspiring you. Follow your intuition and it will take you where you need to go.
So you are going for a second round! You guys are definitely connected for sure!!! Are some of the same challenges showing up this time in the same way as before?
Since you know him pretty well, is there anything on that “list” that you think would activate his low self esteem or make him feel like he wants to run?? Is this pattern of disconnecting from you how he used to handle challenges in the past??
heidi
Thank you Crystal for your response!!! It is always soooo helpful to hear someone going through the same crap!!!
Hi Brandy,
I have heard your type of story many times. Divorce is so difficult and has many layers involved emotionally. That is why I coach people to take a few years off and learn who they are as a single person FIRST before entering into a relationship. Divorce means having to redefine your purpose, your role, your day, your thinking. If someone gets involved soon after a divorce, they are right back into the comfort zone of caring for and thinking about someone else…and they never fully get to have a break and deal with all the emotions that come up. The new relationship is a wonderful distraction. Usually what will happen is exactly what you are saying. The person will start to have old feelings and emotions bubble up from deep inside and it causes confusion, it increases the need to be alone, it causes a disconnect, it causes a lot of differing feelings.
It really has nothing to do with you. He was going to reach this point sooner or later….better sooner than later. What is important right now is to give him space. He really does have to get things straight in his mind before he moves forward with you. A lot of times, if the person has space, hopefully get some help with a coach or therapist to deal with all the confusion and emotions coming up….then they find themselves again and re-connect with their person. This can take quite awhile though. YOU DON”T WANT YOUR GUY BACK until he has really and truly dealt with his feelings about the divorce, himself, his ex wife and his life. Until he does that, he will only be partially available to you…not whole and complete.
I know this is not what you want to hear. What are you thoughts??
Heidi
Oh my Crystal,
No wonder your head is spinning! There is so much that is happening here. What he is doing sounds very familiar to me as far as people I have worked with in the past. Everything in me wants to tell you to RUN the other direction. I don’t know the details behind his behavior (I doubt he even knows) but how he is behaving raises BIG RED flags for me. I could totally be wrong, of course.
Here is the reality though…he is split….who knows why he is split and what it causing it….all that is known is that he has 1 part of him that loves you implicitly and adores you and another side that has that “gut” response and ready to run. It sounds like the talk of “marriage” is what tends to trigger this other side that wants to break up. I really don’t want to tell you this, but unless he gets some SERIOUS help, you are going to go through this over and over and over again. Whatever is happening for him, it is not something he can deal with on his own. It is not something he can read a book about and all of a sudden his patterns change. With the people I have dealt with in the past who behaved in this way….there was some very serious junk, deep inside, that took A LOT of work to clear…all but 1 quit because they weren’t willing to finish the journey. The 1 person that stuck with it is finally living a more normal, solid and united path.
You are trying to make a relationship work that is just not going to work. He will most likely change his mind again, down the road, and then break up again. When someone is as split as he is demonstrating (literally changing his story and his feelings overnight), that is what is making me very concerned.
I want to encourage you to separate from him, however you may not be ready for that….and I understand that as well.If you want to stay with him, then for right now, I would suggest to let go of any particular design of how things should be. Let go of what you think is “appropriate” and let him be who he REALLY wants to be. Setting the boundaries the way you did, he is communicating that he felt “controlled.” Yours and his perspectives are totally different, so for right now, in order to get him back, it would mean backing off and not creating anymore boundaries around his ex wife. See what kind of person he chooses to be on his own. See how he designs the relationship. The truth is, if this is a guy you want to marry, that means ACCEPTING HIM FOR EXACTLY WHO HE IS. You setting the boundaries the way you did is not letting him be who he wants to be. So why not take a short season where you just let go. No more controlling any situations and see what HE does and what HE creates all on his own. If you don’t like what you see, then that is something you may want to really look at and consider before investing all your energy into this relationship. He deserves to feel like he can be 100% himself and so do you. If those clash…there is a fundamental challenge.
How does all of what I’m saying make you feel???
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
Congrats on the job offer!!! That’s exciting! He may think you are chasing him and maybe you are a little. I imagine the thought of being close to him makes this job offer a bit more intriguing. As long as you go into it not expecting anything from him and being okay if you guys don’t move forward then enjoy the job for a few years and move on!
So it seems this “list” is what is stopping him from moving forward with you. I imagine he sees some of those qualities or needs of yours and might be thinking he is not enough for you and what you need. He has had 3 failed marriages. That says a lot about a person. He may not be the best person at picking a partner, he may be really bad at marriage, he may be jumping into marriage a bit too soon. Do you know why his marriages did not last? I imagine he doesn’t have much trust nor confidence in himself to take that journey again even though he was talking about it. I’m guessing he is going through an internal battle. The challenge here is, he is excluding you from that process when he needs to be working WITH you. Maybe this is a pattern of his and how he tends to cope with stress. Have you experienced this from him before? Does he have a tendency to go into his “cave” and not come out until he has figured things out??
Sometimes, a man needs some coaxing and a reminder that he has a partner that can help him along the way. You can say something like, “I miss you. I know you have so many things you are juggling right now, including me. I can imagine you are feeling super stressed right now. I would love to offer support in any possible way that I can, so just let me know. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and am looking forward to hearing your voice again soon.”
If he is scared of you and moving forward in your relationship, one of the ways you can coax him into connecting with you again, is to offer safety. Let him know you are not angry at him or blaming him for disconnecting. Let him know that you still love him. Let him know that you are here to support him and want to understand him. So for right now, keep appreciating him and doing everything you can to support him. Maybe you send him a care package, or maybe you send short little texts of encouragement. He may start to respond more and connect more. Then when things are a bit more stable, you can bring up the “list” and have a chat about it. When he is more connective, you can also let him know about your job offer.
How does this approach feel to you??
Heidi
Hi Juls,
I understand your desire to be emotionally connected to him. Here is the thing though…the more he emotionally connects with you, the more you will get pulled in and connected to him….and reality is….he is not available right now. So becoming emotionally connected just isn’t a safe thing for either of you. You are wanting more from him than what he can offer you and sustain with you. It is not kind to your heart to connect while he is there and then have him walk away and disconnect. It hurts! And your poor heart would keep having to deal with rejection and not being fought for over and over if that is how you functioned in a relationship. You get to do that though, if that is what you want. I’ve made that choice many times. Truth is, we make choices like that because we are in scarcity on some level and it feels so amazing to connect with someone…it’s like we are getting filled up in a very special way and the idea of saying “no” to that is just so difficult because it feels so good. You may not be willing to say no yet. You may need him to keep rejecting you and hurting you before you are willing to really let go.
So for right now, whatever you choose to say to him is more about YOU and what you want. If you want closure, then you create closure. Something like, “I really really like being around you. And that’s a problem for my heart. I want to keep connecting deeper with you and learning about you, but I also know that you are not really available for that kind of experience with me. So it’s time for me to let you go and the idea of you and I continuing to get to know each other on an intimate level.”
If you want to keep things going how they are….you can say something like, “I really like getting to know you. I know you are going through a lot right now and I know you are not really sure about how I fit into the picture. But that’s okay. One day at a time. I just enjoy seeing you and hanging out whenever you come to town…..”
Keep it light and pressure free. It might help relieve a lot of his stress and how to be around you. I would suggest to also change your expectations. You guys are not really growing closer at this point. It’s casual and you are more like friends than anything else, so as long as your expectations align with what he has to offer you, then enjoy!
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Crystal!
I am sooooo sorry you having to go through this! It’s heartbreaking! These methods are meant to be tweaked and customized to each situation, so that’s why it is great that you are here asking us for advice. We can walk you through some ideas and see if we can find something to help along your situation.
I just have a few questions. How do you guys argue? When he said he learned things about relationships and wanted to try them out with you and that’s when you guys got back together….what had he learned? Were things different when you got back together? It sounds like over time, you both were falling back into old patterns again…is that correct? If you could say what is causing him to run, what would you pin it on? I know his ex wife is difficult, but how exactly is that causing a rift between you two? Meaning…do you guys fight about it a lot? Does he get depressed about his x wife and then comes home and is difficult on some level? How exactly is this affecting your relationship???
Again…I’m so sorry! I hope we can help you create some clarity and get you two back on a path towards growth and healing. He is runner….and that is what makes all of this the most difficult.
Hang in there!!!
Heidi
