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Oh my Crystal,
No wonder your head is spinning! There is so much that is happening here. What he is doing sounds very familiar to me as far as people I have worked with in the past. Everything in me wants to tell you to RUN the other direction. I don’t know the details behind his behavior (I doubt he even knows) but how he is behaving raises BIG RED flags for me. I could totally be wrong, of course.
Here is the reality though…he is split….who knows why he is split and what it causing it….all that is known is that he has 1 part of him that loves you implicitly and adores you and another side that has that “gut” response and ready to run. It sounds like the talk of “marriage” is what tends to trigger this other side that wants to break up. I really don’t want to tell you this, but unless he gets some SERIOUS help, you are going to go through this over and over and over again. Whatever is happening for him, it is not something he can deal with on his own. It is not something he can read a book about and all of a sudden his patterns change. With the people I have dealt with in the past who behaved in this way….there was some very serious junk, deep inside, that took A LOT of work to clear…all but 1 quit because they weren’t willing to finish the journey. The 1 person that stuck with it is finally living a more normal, solid and united path.
You are trying to make a relationship work that is just not going to work. He will most likely change his mind again, down the road, and then break up again. When someone is as split as he is demonstrating (literally changing his story and his feelings overnight), that is what is making me very concerned.
I want to encourage you to separate from him, however you may not be ready for that….and I understand that as well.If you want to stay with him, then for right now, I would suggest to let go of any particular design of how things should be. Let go of what you think is “appropriate” and let him be who he REALLY wants to be. Setting the boundaries the way you did, he is communicating that he felt “controlled.” Yours and his perspectives are totally different, so for right now, in order to get him back, it would mean backing off and not creating anymore boundaries around his ex wife. See what kind of person he chooses to be on his own. See how he designs the relationship. The truth is, if this is a guy you want to marry, that means ACCEPTING HIM FOR EXACTLY WHO HE IS. You setting the boundaries the way you did is not letting him be who he wants to be. So why not take a short season where you just let go. No more controlling any situations and see what HE does and what HE creates all on his own. If you don’t like what you see, then that is something you may want to really look at and consider before investing all your energy into this relationship. He deserves to feel like he can be 100% himself and so do you. If those clash…there is a fundamental challenge.
How does all of what I’m saying make you feel???
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
Congrats on the job offer!!! That’s exciting! He may think you are chasing him and maybe you are a little. I imagine the thought of being close to him makes this job offer a bit more intriguing. As long as you go into it not expecting anything from him and being okay if you guys don’t move forward then enjoy the job for a few years and move on!
So it seems this “list” is what is stopping him from moving forward with you. I imagine he sees some of those qualities or needs of yours and might be thinking he is not enough for you and what you need. He has had 3 failed marriages. That says a lot about a person. He may not be the best person at picking a partner, he may be really bad at marriage, he may be jumping into marriage a bit too soon. Do you know why his marriages did not last? I imagine he doesn’t have much trust nor confidence in himself to take that journey again even though he was talking about it. I’m guessing he is going through an internal battle. The challenge here is, he is excluding you from that process when he needs to be working WITH you. Maybe this is a pattern of his and how he tends to cope with stress. Have you experienced this from him before? Does he have a tendency to go into his “cave” and not come out until he has figured things out??
Sometimes, a man needs some coaxing and a reminder that he has a partner that can help him along the way. You can say something like, “I miss you. I know you have so many things you are juggling right now, including me. I can imagine you are feeling super stressed right now. I would love to offer support in any possible way that I can, so just let me know. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you and am looking forward to hearing your voice again soon.”
If he is scared of you and moving forward in your relationship, one of the ways you can coax him into connecting with you again, is to offer safety. Let him know you are not angry at him or blaming him for disconnecting. Let him know that you still love him. Let him know that you are here to support him and want to understand him. So for right now, keep appreciating him and doing everything you can to support him. Maybe you send him a care package, or maybe you send short little texts of encouragement. He may start to respond more and connect more. Then when things are a bit more stable, you can bring up the “list” and have a chat about it. When he is more connective, you can also let him know about your job offer.
How does this approach feel to you??
Heidi
Hi Juls,
I understand your desire to be emotionally connected to him. Here is the thing though…the more he emotionally connects with you, the more you will get pulled in and connected to him….and reality is….he is not available right now. So becoming emotionally connected just isn’t a safe thing for either of you. You are wanting more from him than what he can offer you and sustain with you. It is not kind to your heart to connect while he is there and then have him walk away and disconnect. It hurts! And your poor heart would keep having to deal with rejection and not being fought for over and over if that is how you functioned in a relationship. You get to do that though, if that is what you want. I’ve made that choice many times. Truth is, we make choices like that because we are in scarcity on some level and it feels so amazing to connect with someone…it’s like we are getting filled up in a very special way and the idea of saying “no” to that is just so difficult because it feels so good. You may not be willing to say no yet. You may need him to keep rejecting you and hurting you before you are willing to really let go.
So for right now, whatever you choose to say to him is more about YOU and what you want. If you want closure, then you create closure. Something like, “I really really like being around you. And that’s a problem for my heart. I want to keep connecting deeper with you and learning about you, but I also know that you are not really available for that kind of experience with me. So it’s time for me to let you go and the idea of you and I continuing to get to know each other on an intimate level.”
If you want to keep things going how they are….you can say something like, “I really like getting to know you. I know you are going through a lot right now and I know you are not really sure about how I fit into the picture. But that’s okay. One day at a time. I just enjoy seeing you and hanging out whenever you come to town…..”
Keep it light and pressure free. It might help relieve a lot of his stress and how to be around you. I would suggest to also change your expectations. You guys are not really growing closer at this point. It’s casual and you are more like friends than anything else, so as long as your expectations align with what he has to offer you, then enjoy!
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Crystal!
I am sooooo sorry you having to go through this! It’s heartbreaking! These methods are meant to be tweaked and customized to each situation, so that’s why it is great that you are here asking us for advice. We can walk you through some ideas and see if we can find something to help along your situation.
I just have a few questions. How do you guys argue? When he said he learned things about relationships and wanted to try them out with you and that’s when you guys got back together….what had he learned? Were things different when you got back together? It sounds like over time, you both were falling back into old patterns again…is that correct? If you could say what is causing him to run, what would you pin it on? I know his ex wife is difficult, but how exactly is that causing a rift between you two? Meaning…do you guys fight about it a lot? Does he get depressed about his x wife and then comes home and is difficult on some level? How exactly is this affecting your relationship???
Again…I’m so sorry! I hope we can help you create some clarity and get you two back on a path towards growth and healing. He is runner….and that is what makes all of this the most difficult.
Hang in there!!!
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
The “I don’t know” comment usually means they are feeling cornered and get a bit panicked about the question. You have some relevant questions though. It doesn’t mean you should avoid asking those questions though…they are important. You need to get onto the same page with each other. From his lack of response, it seems he is not interested or too scared to take that journey with you. It would be a good idea to find out. He may need a little coaxing, if he is someone you want to invest in. Does he seem to be a good communicator usually? Meaning, in your many conversations, was he always good about telling you his thoughts and feelings about his life? Do you have any idea if he was dating at all? What is his past relationship history? Does he seem to be guarded and protective of his heart because of past hurt with women?
Hi Juls,
Yes, I would suggest no contact for a few weeks. Keeping things light means you are being “curious” about his actions vs. cornering him for answers. Since he did mention his x-wife and how you would feel if he went back to her, you can say something like,
“I’ve noticed you have become much more distant over the past few weeks. I am wondering if you and your x wife are maybe working on things again and that’s okay! I’m not really surprised if that is true. I just want to get on the same page. Things have shifted, so let’s just clear the air….”
I understand your need to understand the reason behind his withdrawal. It is quite the uncomfortable space to be in. It probably is really uncomfortable for him as well trying to figure out how you fit in his life and not wanting to hurt you. Again, from what you said about his x wife, it sounds like he may be heading in that direction. So your choice is to wait a few weeks or create closure for yourself now. Considering what you have told me, I would create closure BEFORE he comes to visit. That way it’s not awkward. If you end up seeing him, it can be friendly and maybe you guys could even go have a cup of coffee or something. It sounds like he is not ready to be fully and completely honest with you, so if you present the opportunity and help create a safe space for him, you will help relieve him of his fear about all of it.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Juls,
I understand all of your points. I am actually wondering if it has to do with his x wife. If he is wanting her back, then he is obviously not fully resolved. He will be split….meaning 1 part of his is trying to move on and another part is holding on. Which basically means, he is not available for you emotionally….not fully and completely. When someone is unresolved like that, anything can trigger them into retreat. I would like to offer something for you to consider…would you be willing to let this guy go? He is not even divorced yet, which makes this situation even more emotionally complicated, beyond the fact he is still wanting to get back together with his wife (that is…if he is actually telling you the full truth). If you want to just have some fun and not take this seriously, then have at it! But the fact that you are writing to us about it and you are here to learn how to “fix” what is happening, that tells me you are a little more invested with this guy….and if that is true…you are entering into an experience with a guy who cannot offer what you are wanting from him.
As far as the 2 approaches about not contacting him or confronting him….remember that each situation is different….each person is different. I have confronted MANY men over the years and found great success with that approach (it also depends on HOW you communicate…there are ways to say it where they feel less pressured). Playing “hard to get” can also be a successful approach…AND both approaches have also resulted in failures. Is it really about the approach though? I personally believe that if someone is going to really like me for who I am and if they are really interested in continuing a relationship with me, no matter how I approach the situation, they will walk with me through it. They either are ready and willing to respond to me or not. If I mess up, I need a guy who is strong enough to tell me that my approach was ineffective for them (even if it’s only been 2 months). We are all human and we stumble through life trying to do the best we know with what we know. There is no such thing as a perfect way to approach every situation. Any guidance you read or hear about is just that….ideas….NOTHING is full proof. Over the years, I have collected a gazillion ways to solve problems because sometimes 1 thing works and then it doesn’t, so I try a different approach etc. That’s how you use the advice you learn about. You test it out and hopefully it works. If not, that’s okay! You save it for another day!
So for moving forward….you can choose to disconnect for a bit…maybe try 2 weeks and see what happens. Then if he hasn’t reached out, you can send him a text with a picture of you at the gym or something to that affect.
Or you can just have a simple conversation and approach this directly. Again, you can simply just say, “Hey…it feels like something has changed between us. I’m not sure we are on the same page anymore. Would you be willing to talk to me about that?” You can say that now or you can say it after no contact for a few weeks. Either way, you need some closure, so it’s up to you how you go about creating that for yourself. The moment you put all the power in his hands, you lose yourself. So how you can you still get your needs met through this? You have a valid concern, so what can you do to resolve this for yourself?
Heidi
HI Juls!
It is so perplexing isn’t it? And frustrating! Did you meet him online? If you did, have you recently checked his activity to see if he is still active at all? Long distance can also be very difficult. My guess is, something has happened that has nothing to do with you. Usually when there is a sudden switch in someone’s attitude or behavior, an event has occurred to cause them to pull away….an x girlfriend entered the picture, bad news about work, a family member has died….or he could have met someone new….who knows. You, of course, can take whatever approach feels best for you. I have a tendency to be more direct. After trying more subtle attempts like what you have already tried, if the pattern still continues, I will just end up asking them straight up. You can say something like, “Listen…it feels like you have pulled away and disconnected a bit more. Is everything okay? Am I imagining things or have your feelings changed? I would like to talk about this over the phone. Would you be willing to give me a call tonight?”
I would start with something to that effect. I have gotten answers over the years where someone was honest and we parted ways and where someone was NOT honest and time revealed the truth. I’ve also had someone avoid the question and not respond at all. I personally would want to know sooner than later what is happening. I hope he has the strength to be honest with whatever is going on for him.
Is this an approach you feel comfortable with?
Heidi
HI Tanya,
Just checking in! I’m hoping my previous post was not off-putting for you. My apologies if it wasn’t effective for you! I always like to know if that is the case…as I am always learning! So feel free to teach me! I appreciate hearing your thoughts.
How are things going for you??? Any new developments with your guy? Is he being a little more responsive?
Heidi
Hi Amy,
Just checking in. How are things going? I loved Kanya’s idea about activating his hero instinct. Did you give it a try? Keep us updated! We really want to hear more of your story!
heidi
Hi Rebecca!
Just checking in…how are you doing? Did you decide to talk with him?
I wanted to comment on something you said. I also grew up learning how to read and monitor someone’s emotional state out of survival. It is actually an INCREDIBLE skillset to have. The best way to use that skill is to just notice, but don’t assume. There is usually a lot of detail around whatever you are sensing from someone. So as I use that skillset of mine, what I’ve taught myself to do now is to link it directly to my curiosity. Before, I used to link it to my need to survive. But now…we are adults and no longer need that survival mechanism right? Now…when I “sense” or read a situation, I immediately get curious. If I have the kind of relationship with that person to ask questions and learn about what I am sensing, then I ask and gather information. If not, then I just continue to gather information in more in-direct ways. So give it a shot! Allow your skillset of reading someone to be used, just don’t create the story about what you are sensing without more information to validate what you are sensing. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Tammy!
I wanted to check in…how are things going? Have you gone through our program yet? Are you using any new techniques you have learned that are working well? maybe not working well?
We’d love to hear from you!
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I understand that “pushing” for a conversation can cause a man to back away. I have 2 things to say to that. First, is you never know. Every single person is different and has different reactions. What’s important is that you know yourself and you know your situation better than anyone. If you feel a conversation is appropriate, then go for it. If not, then honor that. You are the best person to make that decision…not advice you are reading about. Second, I personally am not interested in a man who does not have the strength to communicate his feelings to me, even if they are not positive. You guys have had a relationship for 9 months! If it were only a few months, that’s different. But you guys have had enough time together to establish a relationship that requires honesty and authenticity. If he backs away and runs from talking with you about the current status of your relationship, then he gets to do that….and then that will tell you what kind of guy he is under stress. As much as that might hurt, imagine more that you are being “rescued” from being with a guy who runs away instead of towards you when things get tough. He would not make much of a good partner during the tough times. And that is the main indicator of a relationship that can last long term….how do you treat each other under stress? If they are generous, connective, kind, graceful respectful….you have a GREAT catch! If they are anything less than respectful, or are disconnected, or not a good communicator….you are in for a rough road…..as the quality of relationship is determined most by what happens under stress. I would rather confront and create closure with someone than to sit and wonder and wait. I might wait for a short period of time….my tolerance is pretty low though…but that’s just me. If the guy is not willing to talk with me through something, they of course have that choice and I honor that. There is no “pushing” for a conversation….there is just “inviting” a conversation.
No matter what anyone says about what to do, remember that we have limited information. Even if you don’t go for a conversation, I’m just saying not to assume and make a decision based on very little information. I say….go gather more information, ask him questions and provide him with the opportunity to explain if he wants to. If he doesn’t, then you have that info. that he doesn’t want to talk about it….which then give you enough information to move on, if that is your choice….or continue waiting. This is YOUR design!
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
Would you consider giving him a chance to reply first? Here is the thing about your text…you are “sensing” he is not seeing a future with you. Which means you are “assuming” that because of his actions. Assuming anything is a dangerous thing to do. You have created a whole story about HIS thought process without even talking to him about it. And that can be really frustrating on the other end. What if you are not accurate?
If you can have the conversation IN PERSON or on the phone, that is definitely much better! I DO NOT recommend resolving relationship issues over text, as there is so much potential for misunderstanding someone. TALK TO HIM!!! You can text and say something like, “Do you just have 5 minutes? I need to ask you something really quick. I promise it won’t take up much of your time and I’ll keep it short.” See if he will respond to that.
If you want to text, you can say something like, “I miss you and I can’t help feeling that what you and I started, is now fizzling out. I’ve backed off, giving you some space in hopes you would come back around at some point. I am now finding that I am reaching my limit though. Is there any chance you and I can talk to clear the air? I would love to understand what is happening. Do we need to end things? Do we need to re-design? I don’t know. I just know that how things are right now are just not working for me anymore. I think it’s just time to get onto the same page, whatever that may be. Would you be willing to meet for coffee or at least have a phone conversation this week? I would prefer not to do this over text.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rebecca,
I’m really sad to hear this. I’m so sorry! I know it hurts and feels so confusing.
Have you looked at his profile before? I am wondering if it has been active all this time and you just weren’t looking? Or had he taken it down and now it’s back up again?
How do you feel about creating closure and saying something to him? Or would you rather just not talk about it and let him go and move on without saying anything?
Man, I’m sorry. Heartbreak is so painful. Keep loving yourself. Be kind, be gentle, surround yourself with good energy, lots of beautiful flowers and some good movies. It’s going to take some time. You will heal and the hurt will start to dissipate.
Keep us updated please! We are here to listen, even if you just want to vent!Heidi
