Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Marsha,
I understand your confusion. There usually is a lot of confusion with a situation like this because you end up talking quite a bit and connecting deeply BEFORE you actually meet the person. I am guessing you met online somehow? The challenge everyone faces is that you create and “idea” of who you believe that person is and then you meet in person and things are quite different. It’s no different than reading an amazing book and then being disappointed by the movie. Our minds are quite powerful!
Let me ask you this…knowing who he is IN PERSON…is he someone you would want to continue to date after what you know about him IN PERSON??
Heidi
Hi Keia,
You will start with asking him for help. You can say something like, “Hey…I really would like your opinion on something. Would you mind helping me out a bit?”
And then you can send that second, longer message.
You are doing such a great job! I know how hard this. It’s giving you some time to learn about yourself and really connect to your value, even though you have limitations. That is the HARDEST part about self – love. It is very difficult to find love for ourselves when we have really messed up. If you can master those moments, then you have really mastered what self – love is.
This is one of my favorite quotes:
“Self esteem is being able to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” Esther Perel
Keep talking to us!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
You have a good plan right now. You need to take care of yourself. You lost your guy for right now. With all that you mentioned, it definitely sounds like he went into overload and you are the target. I am so sorry about that. He is so uncomfortable and it all gets directed towards you. I know it isn’t fair. You are seeing a side to him that is new for you. Certain levels of stress can really cause someone to behave in ways that are a surprise….you are seeing how he responds to this very high level of stress. Now you have a choice of how you are going to respond…and what you have planned is soooo good! You are handling this in such a graceful way. You are being kind and loving to yourself, you are reaching out for help in many different ways…you are handling this in the way he needs to be handling this. I hope at some point he will make some type of effort to get some help…or get an outside opinion of some kind to give him perspective. I have a very strong feeling that at some point, he will come around. But for right now, you have to live your life as it is in this moment and take care of yourself.
Keep us updated please!!!
Heidi
Hi!
Good job for still continuing to grow! There is NO age limit to learning, so you are not too old for anything. The more you evolve and learn about who you are, the more enjoyable your life will become. I’m glad you are here.
Let’s first re-frame your “problem.” It’s not a “problem” that you don’t know how to approach a man. That is actually a very normal challenge. Let’s just call it a skill you haven’t developed yet…not a “problem.”
Let me ask you….do you feel shy? Do you feel you are an amazing catch? Your attitude about who you are will influence how you present yourself to a man….so how would you say you feel about yourself when you see a man that interests you…and you are wanting to interact with him. What kinds of thoughts go through your mind about YOURSELF?
What materials have you read here? I would suggest “Awakening the Feminine Intuition.” That would be a great place to start to get to know your own abilities and how to use them while interacting with a man.
Looking forward to hearing from you again!
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Thanks you for sharing your struggles as well! It always helps to know you are not the only one going through these challenges!!!
Hi Verna…
I first want to really remind you that it has only been 2 months. This is not a very long time to get to know someone. I am wondering what you want from him. Are you wanting him to say “no” to working and “yes” to you?
I also want you to really remember what you are experiencing with him. He may be a workaholic….or he may be using work as an excuse….I hate to say this, but are you sure he is working?? Did you guys meet online??
If he is a workaholic…then I suggest you cut ties and walk the other way if this is a lifestyle you are not interested in. It is so crucial that you accept him for who he is and how he designs his life. If you cannot accept that he will work all the time and break plans with you…then you need to ACCEPT your own limits and honor that is not something that works for you. OR….you accept this is lifestyle and leave him be.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Juls!
I am inclined to agree with Kanya as well. I know I am not a male perspective, but I have a TON of experience with the male mentality. I grew up with brothers, 6 boys down the street were my playmates and my entire life, I have always had waaaay more guy friends than girls. I have spend COUNTLESS hours listening and conversing and, of course, dating different kinds of men. You are expecting way too much from him. He is just being a guy…his nature….of course he wants to have sex. To expect him to come visit you and connect and then go home empty handed….I honestly am surprised he has stuck around as long as he has. And it’s not about him being superficial or only interested in the sex….it is just an area for men that drives them. It is so different than how us ladies experience that side of life. You are wanting him to think and care about you the way you care about him….and that is just not realistic.
I am wondering now…what exactly do you want from him? You want him to get a divorce and marry you? Are you expecting to continue this design of relationship where he comes and visits and pushed the boundaries and you have to keep saying no? Where is this going in your mind? If you could make him however you wanted, how would you want him to be with you (considering the current circumstances)?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thank you for explaining further! Wow….5 fights in 12 years. Sounds peaceful!
I am just wondering…does he have anyone in his past that became disabled? A parent possibly? Or someone else he knew? I am wondering if you being disabled is triggering some previous experiences. His reaction is not unusual. It is extremely difficult to feel a deep love for someone and watch them lose part of their life. He most likely is putting A LOT of pressure on himself and it sounds like he is reaching his limit. His son is growing up and becoming more of an adult as well….he is empty nesting right now too. It’s a difficult time for him and he is not handling it so well. I am so sorry. I wish he would stay and fight. It sounds like you are becoming an easy target for all of his feelings, when reality is, it doesn’t belong on you. That is my best guess….and that is actually a common scenario.
It’s like he has this BIG GIANT pot full of emotions. All the emotions get dumped into this pot and he has to blame it on something. He cannot differentiate between all the feelings as it’s all lumped together. He just knows that you are in the mix and that means you get to be the target for ALL the emotions in the big, giant pot. It’s not fair at all. But like I said…this is a common thing people do. When someone doesn’t have a good skillset to deal with all of those feelings in a healthy way, they usually blame it on 1 thing and then the problem is “solved.” He will soon find out that the giant pot of emotions is still going to be there and disconnecting from you was not the solution.
For right now….I would suggest developing your skillset for communication. There are a TON of ways to talk about things instead of fighting about them. Have you read the “Relationship Re-write?” There is a TON of great information in there that will give you some great ideas of how to be a better partner. And second, learn to be okay without him. I am saying this because the more he sees that despite you being disabled, you can figure out your life…it might help him feel less pressure or responsibility. When he sees you are self – sufficient, he might start to see you differently…and not so disabled.
It going to take some time, but I imagine that after a bit, he will start to calm down and maybe be able to see everything in a different light. For now, focus on being a really good friend with him. Stay connected, be loving, be appreciative, activate his hero instinct and start practicing the skills you learn in the “relationship rewrite.” Like Kanya said…view this as a “pause” and not an ending.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lori!
I am so sorry! It doesn’t sound like either of you are happy and there are A LOT of things happening in your relationship.
I am going to ask a few questions that will help us guide you a bit better:
1. Do you still feel love for him? Or do you feel connected? There is a big difference between the 2 feelings.
2. When was the last time you guys were happy together? How long have you been married?
3. What is keeping you guys together. If neither of you is happy and he wants you to find someone else, what is stopping either of you from separating and moving on in different directions?
4. What makes you want to fight for this relationship?
5. Is there a main topic you guys always fight about or is it just about various things?I lastly want to say….you are loveable and wonderful JUST AS YOU ARE!!! If you want to wear panties…then that’s okay! I want you to really stay connected to yourself and not let his words and accusations define who you are. The message he is sending you is a pretty powerful and negative message and it would wear away at your self-esteem. You have got to fight for yourself first and foremost. NO ONE can love you until YOU LOVE YOU!!! So think about that and let me know where you stand with that. How do you feel about yourself?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
I am so sorry to hear this. I wish there was a magical thing I could tell you to do in order to bring him back to you. The best I can tell you is to trust his process. If he felt fully grieved and truly ready to move on, it wouldn’t matter what someone says to him….he knows himself. The fact that he responded to whatever was said, means there is some truth in it for him and he needs to go figure it out…whatever that is.
I would hate for you to be a rebound. No matter how comfortable you both felt around each other, if he hasn’t fully processed or gotten help about the loss of his wife…it definitely would show up in your relationship. I’m glad he is slowing things down if he doesn’t feel ready. I don’t think you “lost” him at all. I think that he just needs to remove some layers that would hinder a relationship. It’s good to go slow anyways. It doesn’t sound like you guys know each other very well quite yet. It takes a LONG time to get to know someone long distance. You only see snippits of their lives vs. the whole person. Even if he hadn’t lost his wife, I would recommend for you guys to slow down. Talking “marriage” and moving in together is a big decision. I would want you guys to get to know each other much more before heading into those topics.
I think the best thing you can do for him now is what you are already doing. Support him in whatever ways he needs. I doubt he even knows what he needs at the moment. But be careful. I would hate for the relationship to turn into you helping him through this and then you don’t exist. Make sure that you are being fed as well! Make sure you guys are building your friendship outside of his grief.
I will warn you though…he has no idea what he is about to face. The more someone starts to unravel the protective layers they built around their hearts, the more they can become unpredictable and confused. It takes time to get to the other side to finally feel the new version of themselves. So you are going to need a lot of patience.
It is very possible that on the other side, you both will have the green light to move forward and get to experience healthier versions of each other!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dinu!
Wow…there is a lot going on here.
So it sounds like the depression you were going through really caused a strain on the relationship. You didn’t do anything “wrong.” We all go through difficult phases in our lives. It’s just part of being human. It sounds like you got some help though. How are you doing these days? Do you feel stable?
I want to talk about you “supporting” his choice to be with 2 different women. It sounds like you are just allowing him to do whatever he wants and you are going to wait around until he figures out if he wants you or not. In that kind of scenario, it doesn’t seem like you are valuing yourself very much. To wait around to see if a guy figures out whether or not he wants to be with you…that essentially is putting ALL of your value in HIS hands….instead of holding your value in your own hands. You ARE valuable! You are worth fighting for! You are worth loving…even with depression and anxiety….even with all of your limitations. I am wondering if you actually know and believe that about yourself???
As far as asking him for help…you want to ask him for things that have a lighter, easy feeling to them. You asked for his comfort because of feeling “anxiety.” That has a heavy feeling to it. Maybe try asking him to help you fix something? Or maybe ask for advice on something? Ask him for something that is easy for him to feel like he can fix. The depression you went through would make him feel completely powerless. There was NOTHING he could do to make you feel better, so when you mention anxiety or depression or anything of that nature…it’s going to cause him to probably step back, as he does not want to feel powerless again.
For right now, I would focus on being his best friend. I would focus on yourself A LOT as well. Strengthening yourself form the INSIDE by working on the issues that caused the depression, by developing a skillset to handle depression when it shows up and improving your self love….all those things will strengthen you on the INSIDE…and that will make you much more attractive to a man. He will feel like you can stand on your own 2 feet vs. feeling like he has to try to take care of you.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Man…my heart goes out to you! I am so sorry you are going through this! I want to explain something first and hope that it helps create a clearer picture about what is most likely happening.
It’s called the Upper Limit (I learned this from Dr. Hendrix – brilliant relationship teacher!)
Essentially, the upper limit is our ability to be happy. Our ability to be happy is directly linked to our low self esteem. So imagine a scale of 1-100. 1 being miserable, 100 being elated and happy. On that scale, we all live at very different places. Someone who is on 1, is someone who has A LOT of low self esteem. Someone who is closer to 100, the less low self esteem they have.
So how this affects relationships is that the closer we get to our upper limit in that relationship, the more we begin to sabotage. Meaning: Let’s say your guy is around a 40. He meets you and gets to be around a 40, but then all of a sudden finds himself surpassing that 40, heading to 50. I know this sounds counter intuitive, but it is something we ALL do…for reasons that take too long to explain here. When someone surpasses their upper limit, it activates the low esteem like crazy. It activates the fear, it activates the hurt that is the source of the low self-esteem. That becomes SOOOOO big that the he will sabotage in order to bring himself back down to the 40 (remember, that is the LIMIT of what he believes he deserves to be happy). This is messed up, but it just is what it is….the happier someone becomes, the more they will sabotage. The HARDEST part about all of this, is that they usually have NO CLUE what they are actually doing or why. This is not a conscious thing. Like your guy said to you in the beginning, he is afraid. That fear got so BIG because he actually felt happy with you. But he doesn’t actually REALIZE that his fear is being triggered because he is feeling really happy with you!
EVERY SINGLE person faces this in their lives. Reality is, the only way to raise your upper limit and get closer to that 100, is to face your fears, face the low self-esteem, face whatever your limiting beliefs. This is where the character of someone is really tested. Do they run, or do they fight. He ran….brought himself below the 40, then came back…felt happy again and got over that 40….then ran again. Here is a basic rule you really have to pay attention to: Once is just once….2x is a weak pattern….3x times is a strong pattern.
Here is the thing….his fear is in the driver’s seat and will determine how happy he is allowed to be. As long as he does not face that fear, he will always run. He needs to get some help or take some type of action to FACE HIS FEARS. Until he does that, you are in for a rollercoaster ride. This had nothing to do with you. This has to do with him. This is not about YOU changing anything to fix the relationship. This is about him facing what he is most scared of.
I know it’s messed up to think that someone’s happiness is a trigger to run the other direction. It is EXTREMELY uncomfortable to pass the upper limit. I am familiar with it enough now in my own life, to know when I am reaching that space. I know what I do to sabotage and I know what I need to do in order to surpass it. It is hard work, but I also have a warrior spirit. Not everyone is made that way. Many people will just live at a certain level their whole lives….and that’s okay….they get to do that.
Does all of this make sense???
Heidi
Hi Sandra!
Well done! You are staying very grounded in yourself and keeping perspective. I have found HIGH SUCCESS when women can let go and go with the flow instead of cornering a man into making a decision. The best way to keep the pressure off is focusing on yourself, your own happiness, your own self-care. You are doing such a great job!!!
Keep us updated! We definitely want to be a part of your process as you go through this!
Heidi
Hi Danielle!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is a lot. There are many dynamics happening that even HE won’t understand about his reaction and decision.
First, when Kanya said “ignore” his hero instinct, that was just a typo. She mean IGNITE his hero instinct. Asking him to help you with things. Anything broken around the house, helping you fix your car, asking his ideas on parenting etc.
I also agree with Kanya that this 17 year old is like going back to his youth. I have NO DOUBT that his reaction has more to do with becoming a father vs. not loving you anymore. A lot of people believe they are ready for parenthood, but no one REALLY knows until they go through the experience. With you heading into that depression, it probably was too much for his system to handle. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Yes…you went through something VERY INTENSE, but he also didn’t stay and fight and support the relationship. Instead he has left and started dating a 17 year old. It’s just showing how NOT GROWN UP he really is. There is no way he nor you, would have ever known this is what would have happened. When stress shows up, that’s where you really see the “fault” lines…the cracks….in their emotional system. Of course this girl is rebound. She is easy, fun, he gets to be “the older guy” which means she probably puts him on a pedestal and he gets to feel empowered around her. With you, he felt powerless….he couldn’t do anything to fix your depression and that would make him feel powerless. My educated guess is that he has felt powerless MANY times in his life and you just happened to tap on a big trigger of his (not that he is aware of it).
What Kanya is advising sounds great! This is going to take some time. YES!!! BE HAPPY!!! Many times, the guy will want to be a part of that. He will NOT want to be a part of any sadness or hurt as that will activate his powerlessness again. You want to be happy, so he can be a part of that and start bonding with you from a positive space. It will remind him of all the wonderful times you had together. It will remind him of how he used to feel when you guys were together (before the depression). I know this is super hard, but he needs to figure out this 17 year old has a shelf life. I guarantee that in time…they will break up. She is just a distraction.
So be upbeat, keep hanging out together, focus on becoming best friends! Be a family TOGETHER as often as possible. You stay grounded in the love you have and let him be chaotic and figure this out. You did nothing wrong. You are doing the best you possibly can and in a weird way…so is he. You are making yourself better, now he needs to make himself better.
Does this make sense?
I understand. Choosing to stay angry is much easier than choosing to forgive. Remember, being angry costs YOU more than it does him. Here is something think about:
There is a scale called the subjective units of distress scale (SUD Scale) that goes from 1-10. I believed it was originally developed by the person who invented EMDR (it’s an infamous method used for trauma recovery). Anyways…1 being insignificant, 10 being very intense. I use this scale to rate my reactions to whatever happens. Basically, anything over a 5 is intense and is triggering something very deep inside…a core issue….unresolved hurt from the past. Anything under a 5 still means you are being triggered but just not as deep.
Would you be willing to consider that the anger and hurt you feel is pointing at a target that isn’t the real source? I don’t know what you would rate your anger and hurt, but if you are still feeling angry today and you are not willing to choose forgiveness….that tells me this guy and the guy before who ghosted…has triggered some familiar feelings from your past. These guys are just the ones that happen to be pressing the button that has been hanging out there loooong before they ever came along.
Also maybe consider that this recent guy WAS being honest with you. You are thinking / believing that just because someone says something one day, that it will be true the next. I cannot tell you how many times in my own life I was heading in a direction and then just 1 thing happened and I shifted….and it’s caught me off guard…and sadly people have been hurt by it….but I ultimately have to honor what changed for me. I have done that to guys…what you are feeling now. I was invested one week and then something in me shifted and I needed to not continue. They have been angry, called me a liar, called me other names etc. mostly because they had felt mis-lead by me. Truth was…I was being authentic and real every step of the way. What I said to them in those moments was true for how I felt AT THAT MOMENT. Then something happened where I knew it was best for me not to continue and I had to let them know. I’m wondering if that is what happened with this guy. Consider that he was being truthful and real for who he was in that moment…and something shifted for him (maybe an x girlfriend came back, maybe someone died, maybe something happened with work….who knows!)
The beginning of dating is VERY unstable. There may be very strong chemistry, but that is the easy part. Getting to know each other and fitting that person into the other areas of your life is what can be challenging. That is why I always coach people in taking things slow. Many, many times I have heard both men and women get so frustrated by what the other person says one day and what they are doing the next and how they don’t line up. The reasons behind it don’t matter….what matters is that whatever a guy says to you, about you, etc…take it with a grain of salt. I am ALWAYS looking for patterns to be developed, actions to support their words etc. BEFORE I actually believe what they are telling me…it takes time to build trust. It takes time to feel someone out to make sure they match you well.
All in all….I still want to encourage you towards forgiveness…whether you feel like it or not. Get yourself to that place sooner than later. It is toxic to you and those around you the longer you CHOOSE to hold onto this hurt and anger. You want a healthy relationship right? You want someone to be able to forgive you when you have deeply hurt them right? You want a man who doesn’t hold onto things right??? Well…now is your time to BE that kind of person. It is a SKILL to be that kind of person to choose forgiveness, even when you are hurting. It is a SKILL to take responsibility for your own reactions and not blame anyone else. I imagine you want to BE that kind of person with whomever you end up. That means it takes practice. That means it takes moments like this, right now, where you are faced with a choice to hold onto some strong anger or forgive. It is a conscious choice. When my anger or hurt is so strong and is dominant, I keep saying to myself…even 100x a day if I have to…”I choose forgiveness.” It doesn’t matter that I don’t FEEL it…what matters is that is the choice I am going to make, regardless of my hurt…because that is the kind of person I want to be in this world. Protect your heart from having to live with that anger. Care enough and love yourself enough to NOT TOLERATE holding onto toxic emotions. You say you love yourself. This is a moment to really put that to the test. What are you going to CHOOSE Tanya?
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
I’m glad you found some peace. The dating world is pretty tough these days. The online / dating app multimillion dollar industry has changed the way everyone interacts with each other. It makes me sad. I remember dating life before all of that happened and it was much more authentic. Games were still played and they always will be, but communication was better, people were much more tolerant of limitations, people had more patience, made more effort etc. It is what it is now and we gotta go with the flow. I usually suggest to people to get off the apps if they find themselves not having fun anymore, so I’m glad you found that path and felt relief.
I want to suggest working on forgiving these 2 guys who hurt you. If you just bury the hurt and leave yourself feeling like “You are not worth my time, and you are clearly not a strong enough man for me” you are leaving toxic feelings to wreak havoc on your emotional system. The truth is…you don’t know that statement is actually true. You don’t know that he “lured” you. You don’t know that he had bad intentions. It’s the story you are making up that explains everything you are feeling. That story is full of all kinds of hurt, frustration, anger etc. It is really crucial you work through those feelings and let them go….it is crucial that you forgive those guys for not being the kind of men you needed them to be. It’s important you forgive yourself for being “fooled.” Clean the slate!!! There are big consequences if you don’t.
Maybe at some point you would be willing to say to this guy, “Thanks for letting me know sooner than later. I’m surprised by your choice, but I trust it. Thank you for your time and I wish you the best.” It’s a good way to create closure for BOTH of you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
