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Hi Lori!
I am so sorry! It doesn’t sound like either of you are happy and there are A LOT of things happening in your relationship.
I am going to ask a few questions that will help us guide you a bit better:
1. Do you still feel love for him? Or do you feel connected? There is a big difference between the 2 feelings.
2. When was the last time you guys were happy together? How long have you been married?
3. What is keeping you guys together. If neither of you is happy and he wants you to find someone else, what is stopping either of you from separating and moving on in different directions?
4. What makes you want to fight for this relationship?
5. Is there a main topic you guys always fight about or is it just about various things?I lastly want to say….you are loveable and wonderful JUST AS YOU ARE!!! If you want to wear panties…then that’s okay! I want you to really stay connected to yourself and not let his words and accusations define who you are. The message he is sending you is a pretty powerful and negative message and it would wear away at your self-esteem. You have got to fight for yourself first and foremost. NO ONE can love you until YOU LOVE YOU!!! So think about that and let me know where you stand with that. How do you feel about yourself?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
I am so sorry to hear this. I wish there was a magical thing I could tell you to do in order to bring him back to you. The best I can tell you is to trust his process. If he felt fully grieved and truly ready to move on, it wouldn’t matter what someone says to him….he knows himself. The fact that he responded to whatever was said, means there is some truth in it for him and he needs to go figure it out…whatever that is.
I would hate for you to be a rebound. No matter how comfortable you both felt around each other, if he hasn’t fully processed or gotten help about the loss of his wife…it definitely would show up in your relationship. I’m glad he is slowing things down if he doesn’t feel ready. I don’t think you “lost” him at all. I think that he just needs to remove some layers that would hinder a relationship. It’s good to go slow anyways. It doesn’t sound like you guys know each other very well quite yet. It takes a LONG time to get to know someone long distance. You only see snippits of their lives vs. the whole person. Even if he hadn’t lost his wife, I would recommend for you guys to slow down. Talking “marriage” and moving in together is a big decision. I would want you guys to get to know each other much more before heading into those topics.
I think the best thing you can do for him now is what you are already doing. Support him in whatever ways he needs. I doubt he even knows what he needs at the moment. But be careful. I would hate for the relationship to turn into you helping him through this and then you don’t exist. Make sure that you are being fed as well! Make sure you guys are building your friendship outside of his grief.
I will warn you though…he has no idea what he is about to face. The more someone starts to unravel the protective layers they built around their hearts, the more they can become unpredictable and confused. It takes time to get to the other side to finally feel the new version of themselves. So you are going to need a lot of patience.
It is very possible that on the other side, you both will have the green light to move forward and get to experience healthier versions of each other!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Dinu!
Wow…there is a lot going on here.
So it sounds like the depression you were going through really caused a strain on the relationship. You didn’t do anything “wrong.” We all go through difficult phases in our lives. It’s just part of being human. It sounds like you got some help though. How are you doing these days? Do you feel stable?
I want to talk about you “supporting” his choice to be with 2 different women. It sounds like you are just allowing him to do whatever he wants and you are going to wait around until he figures out if he wants you or not. In that kind of scenario, it doesn’t seem like you are valuing yourself very much. To wait around to see if a guy figures out whether or not he wants to be with you…that essentially is putting ALL of your value in HIS hands….instead of holding your value in your own hands. You ARE valuable! You are worth fighting for! You are worth loving…even with depression and anxiety….even with all of your limitations. I am wondering if you actually know and believe that about yourself???
As far as asking him for help…you want to ask him for things that have a lighter, easy feeling to them. You asked for his comfort because of feeling “anxiety.” That has a heavy feeling to it. Maybe try asking him to help you fix something? Or maybe ask for advice on something? Ask him for something that is easy for him to feel like he can fix. The depression you went through would make him feel completely powerless. There was NOTHING he could do to make you feel better, so when you mention anxiety or depression or anything of that nature…it’s going to cause him to probably step back, as he does not want to feel powerless again.
For right now, I would focus on being his best friend. I would focus on yourself A LOT as well. Strengthening yourself form the INSIDE by working on the issues that caused the depression, by developing a skillset to handle depression when it shows up and improving your self love….all those things will strengthen you on the INSIDE…and that will make you much more attractive to a man. He will feel like you can stand on your own 2 feet vs. feeling like he has to try to take care of you.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Man…my heart goes out to you! I am so sorry you are going through this! I want to explain something first and hope that it helps create a clearer picture about what is most likely happening.
It’s called the Upper Limit (I learned this from Dr. Hendrix – brilliant relationship teacher!)
Essentially, the upper limit is our ability to be happy. Our ability to be happy is directly linked to our low self esteem. So imagine a scale of 1-100. 1 being miserable, 100 being elated and happy. On that scale, we all live at very different places. Someone who is on 1, is someone who has A LOT of low self esteem. Someone who is closer to 100, the less low self esteem they have.
So how this affects relationships is that the closer we get to our upper limit in that relationship, the more we begin to sabotage. Meaning: Let’s say your guy is around a 40. He meets you and gets to be around a 40, but then all of a sudden finds himself surpassing that 40, heading to 50. I know this sounds counter intuitive, but it is something we ALL do…for reasons that take too long to explain here. When someone surpasses their upper limit, it activates the low esteem like crazy. It activates the fear, it activates the hurt that is the source of the low self-esteem. That becomes SOOOOO big that the he will sabotage in order to bring himself back down to the 40 (remember, that is the LIMIT of what he believes he deserves to be happy). This is messed up, but it just is what it is….the happier someone becomes, the more they will sabotage. The HARDEST part about all of this, is that they usually have NO CLUE what they are actually doing or why. This is not a conscious thing. Like your guy said to you in the beginning, he is afraid. That fear got so BIG because he actually felt happy with you. But he doesn’t actually REALIZE that his fear is being triggered because he is feeling really happy with you!
EVERY SINGLE person faces this in their lives. Reality is, the only way to raise your upper limit and get closer to that 100, is to face your fears, face the low self-esteem, face whatever your limiting beliefs. This is where the character of someone is really tested. Do they run, or do they fight. He ran….brought himself below the 40, then came back…felt happy again and got over that 40….then ran again. Here is a basic rule you really have to pay attention to: Once is just once….2x is a weak pattern….3x times is a strong pattern.
Here is the thing….his fear is in the driver’s seat and will determine how happy he is allowed to be. As long as he does not face that fear, he will always run. He needs to get some help or take some type of action to FACE HIS FEARS. Until he does that, you are in for a rollercoaster ride. This had nothing to do with you. This has to do with him. This is not about YOU changing anything to fix the relationship. This is about him facing what he is most scared of.
I know it’s messed up to think that someone’s happiness is a trigger to run the other direction. It is EXTREMELY uncomfortable to pass the upper limit. I am familiar with it enough now in my own life, to know when I am reaching that space. I know what I do to sabotage and I know what I need to do in order to surpass it. It is hard work, but I also have a warrior spirit. Not everyone is made that way. Many people will just live at a certain level their whole lives….and that’s okay….they get to do that.
Does all of this make sense???
Heidi
Hi Sandra!
Well done! You are staying very grounded in yourself and keeping perspective. I have found HIGH SUCCESS when women can let go and go with the flow instead of cornering a man into making a decision. The best way to keep the pressure off is focusing on yourself, your own happiness, your own self-care. You are doing such a great job!!!
Keep us updated! We definitely want to be a part of your process as you go through this!
Heidi
Hi Danielle!
I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is a lot. There are many dynamics happening that even HE won’t understand about his reaction and decision.
First, when Kanya said “ignore” his hero instinct, that was just a typo. She mean IGNITE his hero instinct. Asking him to help you with things. Anything broken around the house, helping you fix your car, asking his ideas on parenting etc.
I also agree with Kanya that this 17 year old is like going back to his youth. I have NO DOUBT that his reaction has more to do with becoming a father vs. not loving you anymore. A lot of people believe they are ready for parenthood, but no one REALLY knows until they go through the experience. With you heading into that depression, it probably was too much for his system to handle. This is NOT YOUR FAULT. Yes…you went through something VERY INTENSE, but he also didn’t stay and fight and support the relationship. Instead he has left and started dating a 17 year old. It’s just showing how NOT GROWN UP he really is. There is no way he nor you, would have ever known this is what would have happened. When stress shows up, that’s where you really see the “fault” lines…the cracks….in their emotional system. Of course this girl is rebound. She is easy, fun, he gets to be “the older guy” which means she probably puts him on a pedestal and he gets to feel empowered around her. With you, he felt powerless….he couldn’t do anything to fix your depression and that would make him feel powerless. My educated guess is that he has felt powerless MANY times in his life and you just happened to tap on a big trigger of his (not that he is aware of it).
What Kanya is advising sounds great! This is going to take some time. YES!!! BE HAPPY!!! Many times, the guy will want to be a part of that. He will NOT want to be a part of any sadness or hurt as that will activate his powerlessness again. You want to be happy, so he can be a part of that and start bonding with you from a positive space. It will remind him of all the wonderful times you had together. It will remind him of how he used to feel when you guys were together (before the depression). I know this is super hard, but he needs to figure out this 17 year old has a shelf life. I guarantee that in time…they will break up. She is just a distraction.
So be upbeat, keep hanging out together, focus on becoming best friends! Be a family TOGETHER as often as possible. You stay grounded in the love you have and let him be chaotic and figure this out. You did nothing wrong. You are doing the best you possibly can and in a weird way…so is he. You are making yourself better, now he needs to make himself better.
Does this make sense?
I understand. Choosing to stay angry is much easier than choosing to forgive. Remember, being angry costs YOU more than it does him. Here is something think about:
There is a scale called the subjective units of distress scale (SUD Scale) that goes from 1-10. I believed it was originally developed by the person who invented EMDR (it’s an infamous method used for trauma recovery). Anyways…1 being insignificant, 10 being very intense. I use this scale to rate my reactions to whatever happens. Basically, anything over a 5 is intense and is triggering something very deep inside…a core issue….unresolved hurt from the past. Anything under a 5 still means you are being triggered but just not as deep.
Would you be willing to consider that the anger and hurt you feel is pointing at a target that isn’t the real source? I don’t know what you would rate your anger and hurt, but if you are still feeling angry today and you are not willing to choose forgiveness….that tells me this guy and the guy before who ghosted…has triggered some familiar feelings from your past. These guys are just the ones that happen to be pressing the button that has been hanging out there loooong before they ever came along.
Also maybe consider that this recent guy WAS being honest with you. You are thinking / believing that just because someone says something one day, that it will be true the next. I cannot tell you how many times in my own life I was heading in a direction and then just 1 thing happened and I shifted….and it’s caught me off guard…and sadly people have been hurt by it….but I ultimately have to honor what changed for me. I have done that to guys…what you are feeling now. I was invested one week and then something in me shifted and I needed to not continue. They have been angry, called me a liar, called me other names etc. mostly because they had felt mis-lead by me. Truth was…I was being authentic and real every step of the way. What I said to them in those moments was true for how I felt AT THAT MOMENT. Then something happened where I knew it was best for me not to continue and I had to let them know. I’m wondering if that is what happened with this guy. Consider that he was being truthful and real for who he was in that moment…and something shifted for him (maybe an x girlfriend came back, maybe someone died, maybe something happened with work….who knows!)
The beginning of dating is VERY unstable. There may be very strong chemistry, but that is the easy part. Getting to know each other and fitting that person into the other areas of your life is what can be challenging. That is why I always coach people in taking things slow. Many, many times I have heard both men and women get so frustrated by what the other person says one day and what they are doing the next and how they don’t line up. The reasons behind it don’t matter….what matters is that whatever a guy says to you, about you, etc…take it with a grain of salt. I am ALWAYS looking for patterns to be developed, actions to support their words etc. BEFORE I actually believe what they are telling me…it takes time to build trust. It takes time to feel someone out to make sure they match you well.
All in all….I still want to encourage you towards forgiveness…whether you feel like it or not. Get yourself to that place sooner than later. It is toxic to you and those around you the longer you CHOOSE to hold onto this hurt and anger. You want a healthy relationship right? You want someone to be able to forgive you when you have deeply hurt them right? You want a man who doesn’t hold onto things right??? Well…now is your time to BE that kind of person. It is a SKILL to be that kind of person to choose forgiveness, even when you are hurting. It is a SKILL to take responsibility for your own reactions and not blame anyone else. I imagine you want to BE that kind of person with whomever you end up. That means it takes practice. That means it takes moments like this, right now, where you are faced with a choice to hold onto some strong anger or forgive. It is a conscious choice. When my anger or hurt is so strong and is dominant, I keep saying to myself…even 100x a day if I have to…”I choose forgiveness.” It doesn’t matter that I don’t FEEL it…what matters is that is the choice I am going to make, regardless of my hurt…because that is the kind of person I want to be in this world. Protect your heart from having to live with that anger. Care enough and love yourself enough to NOT TOLERATE holding onto toxic emotions. You say you love yourself. This is a moment to really put that to the test. What are you going to CHOOSE Tanya?
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
I’m glad you found some peace. The dating world is pretty tough these days. The online / dating app multimillion dollar industry has changed the way everyone interacts with each other. It makes me sad. I remember dating life before all of that happened and it was much more authentic. Games were still played and they always will be, but communication was better, people were much more tolerant of limitations, people had more patience, made more effort etc. It is what it is now and we gotta go with the flow. I usually suggest to people to get off the apps if they find themselves not having fun anymore, so I’m glad you found that path and felt relief.
I want to suggest working on forgiving these 2 guys who hurt you. If you just bury the hurt and leave yourself feeling like “You are not worth my time, and you are clearly not a strong enough man for me” you are leaving toxic feelings to wreak havoc on your emotional system. The truth is…you don’t know that statement is actually true. You don’t know that he “lured” you. You don’t know that he had bad intentions. It’s the story you are making up that explains everything you are feeling. That story is full of all kinds of hurt, frustration, anger etc. It is really crucial you work through those feelings and let them go….it is crucial that you forgive those guys for not being the kind of men you needed them to be. It’s important you forgive yourself for being “fooled.” Clean the slate!!! There are big consequences if you don’t.
Maybe at some point you would be willing to say to this guy, “Thanks for letting me know sooner than later. I’m surprised by your choice, but I trust it. Thank you for your time and I wish you the best.” It’s a good way to create closure for BOTH of you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Brandy,
I wish I could give you some clear cut answers and guarantees, but there really is not such thing when it comes to love and relationships. He doesn’t even know if he will come back to you. He doesn’t know how much time it will take. Every single person is different. I would say most people would struggle, as you are, to have patience. If you are not going to choose to let him go at this point, your only other choice is patience. I know you are afraid that he giving him space might mean that he won’t come back. There is truth in that. Again, there is not guarantee how any of this will turn out no matter what you do. I know many, many situations where the person did everything “by the book” and did everything “right” and it still didn’t turn out the way they needed. Anything you do will have a risk component to it. All you can do is the very best that you know how.
What I would suggest for you in this moment, is to instead focus on yourself and not as much on him. This will also help your situation. The more confidence you have, the more self love you have, the more you will be attractive. When a person is in fear about losing someone, essentially that fear is saying, “I will not be okay without them” and that is a BIG insecurity. If instead you had the thought, “I don’t want to lose him, but I will be okay if that is what happens.” That is self love, that is strength, that is the truth. When you have fear in the driver’s seat, situations usually end up waaaaay more messy and chaotic. When you have truth in the driver’s seat, that’s when there is more peace, more flow, more acceptance. So each time you start to feel the fear about losing him, you then follow that thought with “I am enough, I am loveable, I am worth fighting for.” You need to connect and love yourself first and foremost before you start asking for that from someone else.
It is a skill to be okay in the unknown. There will be many, many more times in your life where you will be in the “waiting zone” and there is nothing you can do about it. Not knowing is difficult. Use this time to find peace, pleasure, joy and comfort while you are in this zone. The more you practice getting comfortable with not knowing, the more strength you develop the easier all of this will be.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear. I wish I could give you answers and guaranteed techniques that work. The only thing I can guarantee you is that there is a way for you to feel peaceful while you are in the waiting zone. There is a way to develop patience. All you have control over is you and what you do with your reactions.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tanya,
I am deeply sorry. My heart sank when I read that. I’m glad he at least had the courtesy to create an ending instead of just disappearing.
I know you want to regret letting him into your space because of how much it hurts. I have been there many times. Once I get a hold of myself, I usually end up realizing how necessary those moments were to help me wake up to my choices and design in my life. I needed those moments to hurt so badly so that I remembered for future purposes to go about things differently.
I am just so sorry. I would never wish this kind of hurt on anyone. You will recover. Your heart will heal. You will get back up and risk again because you are that kind of strong, warrior maiden spirit. But for now, be VERY kind and loving towards yourself. When you regret, you are beating yourself up for your choices. Instead of regret, replace that with compassion for yourself. You are just out there seeking connection like the rest of us. Now it’s time for you to connect back to yourself and love yourself through this.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Heidi
Hi Keia,
If he won’t meet with you, then maybe write a letter? I think it’s that apologizing in a way that lets him know you are working on the reasons behind your sabotage. That you are taking “action.”
You could also text him something like this, “Listen…I know you need distance from me and that I have really hurt you. I don’t like the choices I made, but it’s actually been good for me. I am seeing a therapist now and really working on why I sabotaged such a great relationship with you. I’m learning a lot about myself. I never want to hurt anyone like this again. I was wondering if you could help me out with something though. In efforts to learn about myself, I have been asking various people in my life to share 1 thing they like about me and 1 thing they feel I could improve upon. Would you mind sharing your perspective with me?”
What do you think about that approach?
That way, he doesn’t feel you are pressuring him back into a relationship, you are communicating that you are actively working on yourself and you are asking for his opinion and giving him a moment to use his voice to say what he needs to say. That may lead into a longer conversation.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tanya!
Man….I get how uncomfortable you are. All of this is exposing your “fault” lines…the holes in your swiss cheese. You have incredible self esteem and you don’t….and it seems the guy department is where it really shows up for you. This is so great! And it hurts too. I’ll tell ya, there is sooooo much frustration that I deal with about online dating in general. So many people say the EXACT same thing you are saying…everything starts out so great and then all of a sudden, one person starts to drift away. All anyone wants is honesty….for someone to just be able to say they are changing their mind or are pulling away for this or that reason….but in general, I find most people are HORRIBLE at confrontation and being honest. So many people are so terrified and uncomfortable with hurting someone else…so instead of facing the situation and being honest, they slowly start to drift away in hopes that communicates to the person they are no longer interested. Social media and online dating has changed how people interact sooooo much!
My first piece of advice is to not take it personal. I know that is easier said than done. My 2nd piece of advice is to NOT confront him about not calling you. Here is a general rule to stick by….once is just once….2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. He has only not called you once. You guys are still very new and life is starting to get in the way. You haven’t known each other long enough to really see what the pattern is quite yet. Give it more time. Just keep it in the back of your mind and look for other incidents to support that this could be an actual pattern.
Lastly, ALL of your reactions are very normal AND giving you an incredibly opportunity to really face yourself on a deeper level. I love that you are working with a therapist. Explore where all of your frustrations are coming from. They are BIG frustrations, so that’s just telling me there is some baggage being triggered here. What is the source? What are these guys making you feel most? Irrelevant? Foolish? Not enough? Who else in your life made you feel like that in your past? Those are the kind of questions you want to be asking yourself to start the journey of healing.
As far as your thoughts moving really fast….usually that is a sign of wanting someone else to fill up your holes. Again…we are all like swiss cheese….we have solid parts and then holes..those holes are for US to fill up and no one else. However, that is the path rarely taken. Most people search for someone to help fill those holes….and that’s what I call the Jerry McGuire syndrome….”You complete me” kind of feeling. All of this is done subconsciously, of course. If you understand the symptoms, then you can catch yourself and work on self love and keeping connected to yourself. If you TRULY believed your heart was really valuable, worth protecting and taking incredible care of….you wouldn’t just hand it over to anyone. You would require that someone EARNED the right. You would require TIME so you could see that the person can be trusted, is safe and has the skillset to handle THE MOST VALUABLE TREASURE YOU HAVE TO OFFER! So when we don’t treat our hearts that way….when we move so fast and want to jump in, there is something else happening that is causing you to disconnect from your “treasure.” When you move too fast, you are not protecting your “treasure.”
The first place I usually explore with someone who tends to move fast is their ability and comfort level being alone. So here are some questions to think about….are you comfortable being alone? And I don’t mean being “single,” I mean being alone….which means NO male attention AT ALL. No dates, no flirting, no NOTHING. It is just you by yourself. I know most ladies, even when they are alone, will start to find themselves flirting with a guy because they so crave that attention and self esteem boost. Men and connection and attention are all things that remind them that they are a woman, that they are valuable etc. Essentially, men are source of self esteem. This is something I had to face and man was it difficult!!! I finally got to the other side and because of it, MANY of the holes in my swiss cheese were filled!!!!Those are just some things for you to explore about yourself. Basically, I want to encourage you to NOT rely or reach out to him in order for you to feel better. Develop your skillset to make yourself feel better, without his help. Connect to your needs and meet them yourself. This is what will allow you to go with the flow better. So much of your power ends up in the hands of the man and THAT is disaster. You are on the other end in dis-array because they aren’t responding in a way that makes you feel okay. Some of that is truth, but I’m guessing a lot of it is coming from the holes in your swiss cheese. So take this time as a GIFT. You are getting to see where you are giving your power away and then really work on it.
I LOVE working with you!!!! Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your process! I’m honored.
Heidi
Hi Keia,
Well done! I am glad to hear that you are connecting deeper with yourself and discovering your self sabotage. We all do it! Beware next time! You are not out of the woods. You will want to sabotage again, so recognizing the VERY FIRST symptoms of that is crucial. The moment you recognize you are heading into dangerous territory, you get with your therapist and start to work through whatever is going on!
Maybe text him and say…”Can we meet for coffee? I want to express something. I’m not going to try to change your mind, I just have some final things I would like to share with you. It won’t take long.”
Then when you talk to him, you say exactly what you wrote here. You tell him about your yucky past and that he showed you a different way to be treated but realized you didn’t feel like you deserved it etc. You got some help and you plan on continuing down that path because you realized that you really want to get better and have a different experience. Apologize again for hurting him and that if he ever changes his mind about trying again with you, that you would be honored.
The main message you want to get across to him is that you are messy AND you are working it. You are not just saying you are sorry, you are taking ACTION to fix what you did and that you are learning about yourself. that’s what most people need to see in order to possibly give it another chance.
What do you think?
Heidi
Well those are all wonderful self descriptions and a place to start for sure. So from your response, my guess is, is that you don’t feel you are moving fast in your thoughts about him? Or were you just sharing more info….
Heidi
Wow Crystal!
You are quite strong to take what I am saying and ask for more! Not many people have that internal strength to hear things they really don’t want to hear.
So here it goes again 🙁
You are asking a lot of him. You say you love him unconditionally, but truth be told, you don’t. You want him to change. You want him to use his voice, you want him to stop running, you want him to set boundaries in his life, you want him to be different (more professional / appropriate) with his ex wife, you want him to parent differently…..so if he were to just “fix” all of these things, you would be happy and you believe that you guys could live happily ever after. THIS IS WHO HE IS!!! He has every right to get to live how he wants to live. He has every right to get to stay quiet and then talk whenever he wants to talk. He has ever right to get to run when he wants to run. This is the FULL package Crystal. You either accept him for who he is, or you don’t. There is not changing him. If you go into this relationship, needing him to be different…that is where you are going to run into trouble. You don’t want him to run and he can say until he is blue in the face…”I won’t run, I promise” but truth is, HE WILL RUN AGAIN! I guarantee it! It is his pattern. He has A LOT of low esteem and trust issues. Until he gets some help to deal with his baggage, he will always be like this…and will just get worse as he ages because those issues just keep compounding over time.
So if you want to stay with him, then that means knowing for a FACT…that it is an unstable relationship….he will run….he will still hold his feelings in until one day he doesn’t….he will still lack boundaries with his ex-wife. That is the guy you need to love unconditionally. That is the guy you need to leave alone. That is the guy you will live with for the next 30 years if you choose him.
The thing is, it contradicts how YOU function in your life and that is why you keep trying to change him and control the situations. The way he lives his life triggers you. You can try all you want to “let go of control” but truth be told…anyone emotionally more connected to themselves and healthy would not have tolerance with how he lives his life. Let me explain this a bit. I used to have an EXTREMELY high pain / drama / chaos tolerance. I would stay in situations with a guy WAAAAY past the expiration date, believing that if I could just shift my needs and change MYSELF….their behaviors would not longer affect me. So I would stay and keep working on myself. My BRILLIANT coach really confronted me one time and said “Emotionally healthy people have LOW pain tolerance. Not HIGH pain tolerance. If a situation has a lot of drama, chaos, challenge in it…they run the other way. They don’t stay and keep trying to make it something that it isn’t.” Here is the analogy she gave me and it finally clicked for me what I was doing. I was very addicted to challenge and mastering myself (I called it growth, she called it an addiction – but she was right).
Here is the analogy: Imagine I gave you ingredients to make this amazing cake, but 1 of the ingredients is a big pile of poop. You can have as much sugar, vanilla, frosting etc. as you want, but you will still have this big pile poop that has to be mixed in the cake. Truth is…you could be the most amazing baker in the world and there is NOTHING you an do to make that cake taste good because there is 1 ingredient that is going to ruin the WHOLE THING. So you can give up control all you want, you can change who you are, you can go against all of your instincts to make him happy and make him feel more comfortable, but reality is….it is NOT going to change that he has qualities under stress, that is going to ruin the relationship. He does not possess qualities to make a relationship last long term and actually be happy. He has a lot of gunk inside. Until HE clears that up…he is offering you all kinds of wonderful connection and fun (the other ingredients in the cake like sugar, milk, vanilla etc.) AND he is offering you a big pile of poop (he runs, he doesn’t communicate, he doesn’t set boundaries, he is co-dependent etc.)
So….whenever I am coaching someone about choosing a partner to go through life with long term, the VERY FIRST THING I tell them is this….whenever they are at their worst, can you still love them and ACCEPT them for who they are? If you can’t and you find yourself trying to change them….then there are going to be some major problems long term. If you can love and accept the worst about someone, you are good to go! That is the FOUNDATION of a healthy relationship.
I know you love him deeply and I understand that you cannot imagine loving anyone else to the same level. Truth is…you can. Truth is, his love is very limited. He hardly loves himself and that is the main limiting factor here. He can only love you as much as he loves himself. You will always be limited with him….and you get to choose that journey with him! It’s completely your choice! But if you move forward with him, leave him be. I’m not saying that you don’t get to use your voice and express your opinions, but truth is, it’s falling on deaf ears. Your voice doesn’t change who he is…your opinions, your encouragement, your setting boundaries trying to help your relationship….all just build resentment for him. I hate to say this, but your voice is irrelevant in this situation. You are choosing a guy who doesn’t even make his own voice relevant….and you want him to make your voice important??? It’s an unrealistic expectation and one that will keep you getting hurt over and over and over again. I know this is the not the kind of experience you want to choose for your life, but then that means letting him go and facing the heart break. Either direction you look…you are going to be hurting a lot. If you stay, it will just be more of the same stuff….if you go, it means dealing with saying goodbye to the imagined life you thought you were going to have with him. I have been in your situation a handful of times and it is an awful place to be in. There are consequences either way. There is NOTHING you can do to make that cake taste good. He has to join you on that journey and so far, he has not been willing to dive deep and work on changing the poop into something better. So he is what he is.
I know this is very blunt and probably very hard to hear. You will most likely have a part of yourself that instantly comes up and defends him, defends your love, defends the fantasy life you created in your mind with him. Just live with this a little bit. You don’t have to do anything right now except to start to really look at your situation and what you are choosing. There is something in YOU that would choose such a difficult situation and have such a high pain tolerance.
Let me know your thoughts. I’m here to listen to ANTYING you need to say, any challenges, any hurt or anger you might have about what I said. I wouldn’t blame you actually. I will receive it all with an open heart! I have such great compassion for you and want to do everything I can to help you down whichever path you choose. No judgment here. I’ve taken some very difficult journeys before, on purpose, until I had enough strength to say goodbye, so I understand how you feel and what you will most likely choose and it’s okay.
Heidi
Heidi
