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Hi Marsha!
You are not alone! All the women here are completely baffled and confused by how their guy is behaving. A lot of times, men have no clue what they are doing either!
Let’s see if we can figure this out. So you have only met him once? It sounds like you connected really well over the phone, then went to visit him. You had sex just once? After sex, was at least connective? Or he withdrew completely? And then you arrive home and he is still initiating talking with you?
Here is the biggest challenge about long distance relationships that are just starting out. People end up really connecting over the phone or texting etc., but it isn’t reality. You both end up creating an idea of who you think the other person is and then when you meet in person, things don’t quite match up very well.
So it’s not unusual to have a perception about him and his attitude over the phone but then have a different experience with him in person.I am also wondering if he didn’t really enjoy having sex with you. How do you feel it went? Did you feel it flowed well together? Did you feel connected? Did he seem awkward at all? Did you feel awkward??
Lastly, you were married 35 years. That means you have a lot of things you are still carrying around with you energetically about that experience. I am wondering if he picked up on some of that stuff. Did you ever work with anyone…a coach or a therapist….to help you deal with all the emotions that come up from getting a divorce??
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!!!
Hi Elena,
Wow! You have been through a lot and are quite resilient!!! Well done!!! Many people would not have fought for themselves to the level that you did and still are. I have a lot of respect for you!!!
I do have a question…it sounds like you guys are very comfortable with each other, however he was going on trips with you all the while having a girlfriend. That concerns me quite a bit. He was cheating with you and you didn’t even know you were participating. This makes me have the idea of him that he has a really hard time being monogamous or he is the type of guy who doesn’t go very deep with his ladies. He split his energy. He never really fully or completely commits his heart…instead he gives parts of his heart to different ladies. I could be totally wrong of course. Help us with a little more detail. What do you think all of that was about? Why do you think he had a girlfriend, yet was cheating with you and it sounds like another lady….and who knows who else was involved??
So what I am hearing from you is that you want a committed, serious relationship with this guy….yes??
Heidi
It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can. I’m glad to hear you are accepting who he really is. He is very lucky to have you in his life.
I wish there were guarantees in life. I wish that it was a given to reap the rewards for all of our efforts. It’s not like that with relationships. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I have a feeling he will eventually come around, but in the meantime, this is such a good time for you to learn more about yourself, practice forgiveness, practice acceptance and most of all….REALLY connect to yourself in that idea that you will be okay without him, if he chooses to stay disconnected. It’s an odd thing….when I have helped people get into this space…where they feel empowered and happy even if the situation doesn’t turn out the way they want….the energy shifts and their partner re-connects. It’s the idea of letting go in order to allow something to take it’s true form. So that means facing your fear about losing him. That fear can absolutely affect and influence the direction of this relationship. When you get into higher frequency emotions like peace, resolve, happiness all on your own, that absolutely will influence your situation. If I were seeing you as a client, that would be the first place I would begin…helping you have freedom from your fear of losing him. That is the foundation. So maybe that is something you and your therapist can talk about.
Heidi
Hi Jeanette,
Welcome! This is a sticky situation you are in. First, I don’t think that questioning him was “wrong” or a mistake by any means. I would say that it could have been handled in a different way. The very first rule I suggest you follow is to NEVER text anything of a serious nature. It is one of the WORST ways to communicate intense feelings! It can easily be mis-read and create reactions in others that you don’t necessarily want. Talk on the phone or wait until you are in person to have those kinds of talks!!!
I hate to say this, but I feel it just needs to put it out there. I have some red flags up…I’m concerned that he is 31 and has never gotten a lady flowers before or asked a lady to be his valentine. I could understand that in his early 20s. But to be in his 30s and not have that kind of experience tells me he either has VERY little experience with the ladies or he is lying. There are many guys out there that are EXPERTS at pouring it on very thick with the ladies…I get very suspicious whenever I hear anything to the affect of, “I’ve never done this before….” or “You are the first ever….” That is actually a TECHNIQUE used to activate a woman’s heart and to get her to “melt” so to speak…which gets the lady to eat right out of the guy’s hands. Many times, guys will date ladies that are a bit of a drive so they can manage a couple of girls at once. The ladies are not in the same town, they don’t know his friends and he can have all kinds of freedom, say what he wants to say, and no one could ever check up on him. Sadly, this is a common thing. Did you guys meet online? I’m not saying this is true of your guy….but just something to maybe consider.
In efforts to re-connect, I am wondering if you have apologized for what you said. If yes, what was his response? I would say that for right now, stay connected. Be his friend and be a little flirty at the same time. Take off ALL expectations as to how often or when you will see him. Just stay connected. Being light and flirty can inspire him to want to keep connecting with you. Remember though, you want to connect just a little and then let him initiate. You want to make sure he feels like the ball is in his court. Let him know you are responsive, but let him initiate. This is where I would start and then wait and see what he responds like.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
Thank you for sharing more details! It is all very helpful. I understand you want him back. It sounds like he is trying to sort himself out by being a younger version of himself and not have much responsibility. I’m glad he is at least working with a therapist. Even if he isn’t a full blown personality disorder, he can have tendencies towards certain characteristics. Borderline is a VERY tough person to be in relationship with. Just like what Kanya was saying…one moment everything is great and then it isn’t. It can get very confusing. When dealing with a mental disorder, you have to remember that many things just won’t make sense. You are thinking that just because you have stood by him all this time, that it doesn’t make sense he would leave. Especially when dealing with someone who has some mental disorder challenges, it means that the majority of your life will be unpredictable. That is just how it goes. So if you choose to stay with him, expect that he will get up and run again in some form or fashion. There either is a buildup of stress or certain events that have a high enough level of stress that could trigger him into some type of response that will not make any sense to you….right now, he is running away and into the arms of a 17 year old. It is very crucial that you REALLY understand what kind of guy you are choosing. Your life with him will most likely be very difficult, confusing and chaotic….and it can be wonderful as well. What is most important is that you really accept him for ALL that he is. You are both doing the very best that you know how, but that also means there can be a lot of hurt that comes along with that. If that is what you choose, then be at peace with that. Find peace with letting him figure himself out.
I would no longer bring up the current girl. Leave that topic alone as Kanya has said. She is really an insignificant factor right now. When he says that you sending pics to him of him and son is “warfare” just respond by saying, “Okay…no problem. Does that mean you don’t want me to send pictures anymore? I can respect that, no problem.” When dealing with a personality disorder, it’s important to learn how to “manage” the situation / conversation vs. trying to make sense of it. They will usually have a story they believe and stick to it, so instead of fighting against that story, you learn how to re-direct it. Many times, just honoring their story can calm things down easily.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
I also want to add one more thing…whenever my needs and someone else’s need are conflicting, a good way to approach it, is with the attitude that you are going to let them know how their choices are affecting you and then you give them the freedom of choice of what they do with that information. So when I confront I say something to the affect of, “When your kids leave their stuff everywhere and then expect me to clean up after them, I end up feeling like our home is not well cared for. This is my home and your home and I love to have our home cared for and honored….and for me, that means that things get put away, it stays clean and that we all respect each other’s needs. Do you think there is something we can do to create that kind of vibe in the house? I am wondering if you ever feel that way too? Maybe it doesn’t bother you and that’s okay too. I’m just curious. I would love your ideas on ways to set some guidelines so we can all be happy. What do you think?”
So that kind of conversation activates his hero instinct, doesn’t make him feel like you are against his kids and focuses on your need to take care of the home TOGETHER.
Have you ever tried an approach like this with him?
Heidi
Man…this is a tough one Rhonda. The thing is…what is more important is that you accept him for who he is. This is the kind of father he wants to be to them. Right or wrong….it is his choice and design of how he wants guide or not guide them. I have found that MANY men end up having little to no boundaries with their kids because they are trying to “make up” for the failure of the marriage….and I have seen men carry that kind of guilt around for decades! And I have seen them, over and over, let their kids run the house, run their lives and the dad just won’t put his foot down. And many men are aware they are doing this and some are not. Even if he did know, it is his choice to NOT face what is going on. Him fighting with you is him letting you know what his choice is…and that is…he is not interested in setting boundaries with his kids. His choice to choose their wants and desires over yours. And it has NOTHING to do with you. It has to do with him not being able to handle their disappointment. He already probably carries around so much disappointment in who he has been as a father, that he probably can’t stand to make his kids do anything they don’t want to do. This is something he needs to face within himself…this is not something you need to “get him to see.” Even if you did get him to see it, it does not mean he will change anything.
So your choice now is to either accept that this is who he is going to be with his kids. Even if he uses his kids as a buffer, that is also his choice. He is showing you how he handles stress. The one disadvantage of not arguing for 12 years, is that you never got to learn how to argue and work through things….you never got to see how you guys reacted, responded and handled the challenges….and now you are seeing what he does. THIS IS WHO HE IS. If he wants to use his kids as a buffer and not deal with anything, then he gets to.
Do you feel you can fully accept and love his choices and how he handles stress??
Heidi
Hi Marie,
I have had many moments of feeling the way you are right now. I’m so sorry about that. It is so incredibly difficult to have such strong feelings for someone and not have them respond in the way we are wanting.
Would you mind sharing more details? I”m a little confused. Did something happen? You said you were together and then at 2am you wanted to leave and go home. You said you started to ignore him. It sounded like what you were doing with him was working, so I am wondering if something happened that caused you to switch your approach??
Would you mind explaining further?
Heidi
Hi Marsha,
I understand your confusion. There usually is a lot of confusion with a situation like this because you end up talking quite a bit and connecting deeply BEFORE you actually meet the person. I am guessing you met online somehow? The challenge everyone faces is that you create and “idea” of who you believe that person is and then you meet in person and things are quite different. It’s no different than reading an amazing book and then being disappointed by the movie. Our minds are quite powerful!
Let me ask you this…knowing who he is IN PERSON…is he someone you would want to continue to date after what you know about him IN PERSON??
Heidi
Hi Keia,
You will start with asking him for help. You can say something like, “Hey…I really would like your opinion on something. Would you mind helping me out a bit?”
And then you can send that second, longer message.
You are doing such a great job! I know how hard this. It’s giving you some time to learn about yourself and really connect to your value, even though you have limitations. That is the HARDEST part about self – love. It is very difficult to find love for ourselves when we have really messed up. If you can master those moments, then you have really mastered what self – love is.
This is one of my favorite quotes:
“Self esteem is being able to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” Esther Perel
Keep talking to us!
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
You have a good plan right now. You need to take care of yourself. You lost your guy for right now. With all that you mentioned, it definitely sounds like he went into overload and you are the target. I am so sorry about that. He is so uncomfortable and it all gets directed towards you. I know it isn’t fair. You are seeing a side to him that is new for you. Certain levels of stress can really cause someone to behave in ways that are a surprise….you are seeing how he responds to this very high level of stress. Now you have a choice of how you are going to respond…and what you have planned is soooo good! You are handling this in such a graceful way. You are being kind and loving to yourself, you are reaching out for help in many different ways…you are handling this in the way he needs to be handling this. I hope at some point he will make some type of effort to get some help…or get an outside opinion of some kind to give him perspective. I have a very strong feeling that at some point, he will come around. But for right now, you have to live your life as it is in this moment and take care of yourself.
Keep us updated please!!!
Heidi
Hi!
Good job for still continuing to grow! There is NO age limit to learning, so you are not too old for anything. The more you evolve and learn about who you are, the more enjoyable your life will become. I’m glad you are here.
Let’s first re-frame your “problem.” It’s not a “problem” that you don’t know how to approach a man. That is actually a very normal challenge. Let’s just call it a skill you haven’t developed yet…not a “problem.”
Let me ask you….do you feel shy? Do you feel you are an amazing catch? Your attitude about who you are will influence how you present yourself to a man….so how would you say you feel about yourself when you see a man that interests you…and you are wanting to interact with him. What kinds of thoughts go through your mind about YOURSELF?
What materials have you read here? I would suggest “Awakening the Feminine Intuition.” That would be a great place to start to get to know your own abilities and how to use them while interacting with a man.
Looking forward to hearing from you again!
Heidi
Hi Marie,
Thanks you for sharing your struggles as well! It always helps to know you are not the only one going through these challenges!!!
Hi Verna…
I first want to really remind you that it has only been 2 months. This is not a very long time to get to know someone. I am wondering what you want from him. Are you wanting him to say “no” to working and “yes” to you?
I also want you to really remember what you are experiencing with him. He may be a workaholic….or he may be using work as an excuse….I hate to say this, but are you sure he is working?? Did you guys meet online??
If he is a workaholic…then I suggest you cut ties and walk the other way if this is a lifestyle you are not interested in. It is so crucial that you accept him for who he is and how he designs his life. If you cannot accept that he will work all the time and break plans with you…then you need to ACCEPT your own limits and honor that is not something that works for you. OR….you accept this is lifestyle and leave him be.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Juls!
I am inclined to agree with Kanya as well. I know I am not a male perspective, but I have a TON of experience with the male mentality. I grew up with brothers, 6 boys down the street were my playmates and my entire life, I have always had waaaay more guy friends than girls. I have spend COUNTLESS hours listening and conversing and, of course, dating different kinds of men. You are expecting way too much from him. He is just being a guy…his nature….of course he wants to have sex. To expect him to come visit you and connect and then go home empty handed….I honestly am surprised he has stuck around as long as he has. And it’s not about him being superficial or only interested in the sex….it is just an area for men that drives them. It is so different than how us ladies experience that side of life. You are wanting him to think and care about you the way you care about him….and that is just not realistic.
I am wondering now…what exactly do you want from him? You want him to get a divorce and marry you? Are you expecting to continue this design of relationship where he comes and visits and pushed the boundaries and you have to keep saying no? Where is this going in your mind? If you could make him however you wanted, how would you want him to be with you (considering the current circumstances)?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thank you for explaining further! Wow….5 fights in 12 years. Sounds peaceful!
I am just wondering…does he have anyone in his past that became disabled? A parent possibly? Or someone else he knew? I am wondering if you being disabled is triggering some previous experiences. His reaction is not unusual. It is extremely difficult to feel a deep love for someone and watch them lose part of their life. He most likely is putting A LOT of pressure on himself and it sounds like he is reaching his limit. His son is growing up and becoming more of an adult as well….he is empty nesting right now too. It’s a difficult time for him and he is not handling it so well. I am so sorry. I wish he would stay and fight. It sounds like you are becoming an easy target for all of his feelings, when reality is, it doesn’t belong on you. That is my best guess….and that is actually a common scenario.
It’s like he has this BIG GIANT pot full of emotions. All the emotions get dumped into this pot and he has to blame it on something. He cannot differentiate between all the feelings as it’s all lumped together. He just knows that you are in the mix and that means you get to be the target for ALL the emotions in the big, giant pot. It’s not fair at all. But like I said…this is a common thing people do. When someone doesn’t have a good skillset to deal with all of those feelings in a healthy way, they usually blame it on 1 thing and then the problem is “solved.” He will soon find out that the giant pot of emotions is still going to be there and disconnecting from you was not the solution.
For right now….I would suggest developing your skillset for communication. There are a TON of ways to talk about things instead of fighting about them. Have you read the “Relationship Re-write?” There is a TON of great information in there that will give you some great ideas of how to be a better partner. And second, learn to be okay without him. I am saying this because the more he sees that despite you being disabled, you can figure out your life…it might help him feel less pressure or responsibility. When he sees you are self – sufficient, he might start to see you differently…and not so disabled.
It going to take some time, but I imagine that after a bit, he will start to calm down and maybe be able to see everything in a different light. For now, focus on being a really good friend with him. Stay connected, be loving, be appreciative, activate his hero instinct and start practicing the skills you learn in the “relationship rewrite.” Like Kanya said…view this as a “pause” and not an ending.
Thoughts?
Heidi
