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Hi Diane,
I responded in your other post in a different category, but I figured I can come on over to this post. How is everything going? Any new updates or anything you want to share?
Heidi
HI!
I cannot change your name to just “J” on your profile. I don’t have access to that, but I believe you do. If you go into your profile and edit, you should be able to do that.
I understand fully and completely the need to hide when you don’t feel good about your body. I’ve been through that a TON of times. My goal, however, is to always work on loving myself no matter what my body looks like. I always think of Oprah or Queen Latifah. They are thicker women and they didn’t hide anywhere. They are in the public eye, feeling beautiful…and most of all, I feel their strength and humanness and when I think of them, I don’t even think about their size…I think about their personalities! So just remember that…whatever you put out there is what people will remember about you!
The more details, the better for us. It helps us understand the situation more and will help us get to know you a little better as well. It’s can be challenging on our end. We are trying to piece together part of a story and giving the best guidance possible with very limited information. So keep sharing whatever you feel would be helpful!!!
Heidi
HI Danielle!
I bet it felt soooo wonderful to feel him connect with you again. It sounds like he is just 2 different people at the moment. He most likely enjoys BOTH of you.
This is for him to figure out. HE has to make the decision. The more you push, the more he will rebel most likely. DO NOT bring anything up! If you are going to support his journey, that means letting HIM figure everything out for himself without you offering your opinions. Leave him be. It will help him feel much more peaceful around you. If he asks your opinion, then of course, share it, but otherwise, your ENTIRE GOAL is to just be present with him. Whenever you are together, just focus on the present moment and NOTHING else. Block out everything else that is happening and just enjoy the time you have with him. Don’t talk relationships, don’t talk about the other girl, don’t talk about what he needs to do. Supporting him means leaving him alone and when he does show up, you join him and have some fun together. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Elena,
This is great information. You are doing such a great job processing all the ideas I have shared with you.
He doesn’t sound ready for a relationship. Having lost a 10 year partner is devastating, of course. I am wondering if he ever got any help about that. If he didn’t, many of the feelings just get buried. He will act out in a million different ways to sabotage connection because of all those buried feelings. His emotional system will not allow him to get close anymore until he faces what he is afraid of. Considering how he is treating you, I think it is the best idea for you to start to work on your self esteem and start setting some boundaries to create a friendship that serves you well.
We all have low self esteem! I have a lot of high self esteem, but in certain situations, you would think I have none. It’s really fascinating! Be kind and compassionate with yourself. And you are right…it is about how you present these boundaries. If he picks up his phone while you are talking or sharing about yourself, simply go quiet and wait until he is done. He may ask you to keep talking and think nothing of it, but you can simply just say, “I’ll wait until you are done.” OR…you can just start the conversation by saying, “Let’s put our phones aware for an hour.” Keeping it light and simple will make it all easier to swallow. You are gently requesting his full attention and asking him to be in his higher self when he is with you. It will be interesting to see what he does.
What do you think about that?
Heidi
Hi Elena,
UUUGGGHHH! What a yucky night. I am so sorry! That never feels very good.
There are a few things I want to suggest. Let’s just assume his behavior last night was NOT normal. Let’s say that it was just an evening where he was really distracted. 1 of 2 things needs to happen on your end. 1: You say something. “I notice you are quite distracted and not really here with me. Is there something going on? Anything you want to talk about? or 2: You notice he distracted and split, so you just go with the flow. DO NOT share anything deep or personal when someone is not there with you. If they are not being a good listener, just respect they are in that space for the moment and YOU join THEM where they are at….because they aren’t able to join you. You stayed and allowed the design of that interaction. You were a good friend to HIM, but you weren’t a good friend to yourself. So what can you do next time to take better care of yourself???
In regards to getting back to where you used to be: the most important gift you can give him is to ACCEPT HIM FOR EXACTLY WHO HE IS. Wishing he were different is a road you DO NOT want to travel down. I’m sure that part of him is still in there somewhere, but it’s NOT YOUR JOB to figure out how to pull that out of him. So if you want a relationship with him, be with him for who he is TODAY and not looking for who he used to be. So I’m wondering…does he feel “split” all the time now? When you guys interact, is that what it feels like? Or was it just a one off night?
So he did cheat on his girlfriend. RED FLAG!!! If he is doing that to her, he will have tendencies towards that, even if he were with you. The odds of him cheating are REALLY high, even if he was with you. Besides, I’m wondering if his girlfriend new that he was traveling with you. I know most people would not feel comfortable to have their partner travel (for fun) with someone of the opposite sex and a long history together. Would you feel okay about that??? I’m not really sure what he is doing, but I do know that his behavior is showing that he is not very respectful of relationships. I imagine the deeper the relationship goes, the more he gets scared, whether he realizes it or not. You know him well…what do you think about this idea?
Heidi
Hi Mary!!
I am so sorry about this! I am so glad to hear you have worked on becoming a better partner. I am curious what you have done to change? Did you seek help? Did you read books? How have you changed?
This is a tough one. A lot of times when the love has faded and the passion is gone, a person really moves on. Many people are not interested in “re-igniting” anything because they don’t feel anything to re-ignite. So for now, it’s going to take a lot of patience.
So let’s start with this: What was it like when you first met? Why did you marry him? Why do you think he married you? What kinds of things did he tell you that he loved about you?
How long has the passion been gone from the relationship? Did he end up cheating? Did you guys used to have a lot of passion??
Let’s start with those questions and then we will go from there.
Heidi
Hi Jeanette,
What is your current status with him? He said he wanted to keep being friends, but has he initiated anything? Is he still texting you? Or are you initiating? If not, how long has it been since you guys have talked? Did you guys meet online? If yes, is his profile still active?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
I first would like to address your thinking the YOU did something wrong. In relationships, we ALL do things that cause challenges for our partner and vice versa….AND we do things really well too! It’s just part of being human. A solid relationship means that even in our humanness we are loved, accepted and fought for. Relationships are a DAILY choice….just because there is love, does not mean that BOTH people will stay and fight for the relationship. So him leaving has NOTHING to do with you doing something wrong. Of course you are not perfect however, he is choosing a different path and not wanting to fight for the relationship with you. That is about HIS choice and HIS limitations…not yours. You deserve the freedom to be your 100% human self and be accepted and loved with all of your wonderfulness and all of your limitations. If someone is not able to offer you that kind of love, it is about THEIR limitation….not yours!
You also are dealing with someone who has, at the very least, some borderline tendencies. Have you researched this at all? Have you read books on it? What have you learned about how to be in a relationship with someone who has those tendencies or has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?? It might help make sense of your world a bit more and equip you with some skills about how to better handle / manage the relationship. Reality is, you are not dealing with someone who has a normal functioning brain. With the way you are talking, it is leading to me to believe that you are having expectations about how he should behave with you as if he didn’t have a mental disorder. Maybe if you read more about what he is dealing with, you will start to have a different perspective and start to see him functioning in a way that matches more with what he is dealing with.
This is going to take some time. There is no guarantee, that with all of your efforts, that he will end up responding. Even when he and that girl break up, there is no guarantee that he will come back to you. There is no such thing as “making” anyone do anything…especially when it comes to love. What I suggest trying tonight is to be happy, DO NOT talk about the relationship AT ALL!!! And just treat him as if he were a regular friend. He is used to you chasing him. If you don’t chase him and just treat him like he was anybody else, I am wondering if that will make him want to pay more attention to you. I don’t know….it would be an interesting thing to find out. You’ve been supportive and connective and completely available for him, anytime he wants. I wonder what he would do if he felt like he was losing you….if he felt like you weren’t chasing him anymore. It’s worth a shot! So again, be friendly and cordial, but THAT”S IT! Nothing more. You want to walk into place confident and as if you the best thing in the entire world. You are worth loving, you are worth fighting for and anyone who wants to be in your life needs to feel the same exact way…otherwise they aren’t allowed into your space. That kind of mindset and inner strength is VERY attractive to men.
What do you think??
Heidi
Hi Judith!
That is some wonderful detail! I started to get teary eyed reading what you wrote. Not necessarily because of your own sadness but because of what you said about your husband and the heartache of you not getting to keep that alive and growing WITH him. It’s so hard. It no doubt can take a very long time. Each person is different with how and when they feel resolved enough to start putting themselves out there again. You will never be able to replace your husband, but I don’t sense you are trying to do that on any level. It sounds like you are just trying to take one day at a time and start to live a little again vs. survive.
The beautiful thing about love is that it is endless. I see love like a tree. There was one branch representing your husband and now that branch is no longer growing. There was an ending. Now your tree can grow another branch, take it’s own shape and size and have a journey with you. It will be a different kind of love. You will always love your husband AND you will love another man as well…and the love can co-exist quite peacefully.
You are right…life can change in an instant. I am very connected to that just as you are. This is what helps me. First, I also stay connected that it can change in any moment, in either direction….a huge upswing or a huge downswing. It’s the downswings, of course, we all have trouble with. BUT there is always an upswing! I work on keeping a FULL story in my mind, instead of just half the story. Instead of letting the fear dictate the story of, “I am scared to death of….anything can happen at any moment…..AND I WILL BE OKAY. I AM RESILIENT.” Usually fear will keep you looping half of the story….”I am scared to death I will lose him” and then it stops there and keeps repeating itself. So whenever the fear comes up…finish the 2nd half of the story! You are INCREDIBLY resilient. You have gone through an INCREDIBLE amount of challenge and look at you now. You met someone, you have an apartment, you are still crying AND you are getting up every single day and fighting for your life. WELL DONE!!! That is the 2nd half of the story you need to keep reminding yourself of. Yes, there are no words to describe the pain and challenge you have gone through and are still going through…AND you are figuring it out.
This leads me to my 2nd point. Yes, anything can happen at any moment and you can TRUST yourself that you have the skills to land back on your feet. Many times we have fear because we don’t “trust” life so to speak. Instead of putting trust in “life” or another person, keep the trust in yourself first. Trust that you are resilient. Trust that you will figure things out. Trust that you will land on your feet again. Trust your warrior maiden spirit. That beautiful spirit of yours is doing an incredible job right now! Every day, appreciate yourself for what you have gone through and how you are standing back up!!!
With that being said, be kind to yourself about this guy. You are doing the very best you know how and that is enough. You are enough just as you are. One of my favorite quotes is: “Self esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” Esther Perel. Be patient with yourself as you navigate some very new territory while still in the middle of some intense challenges.
It’s good you are giving him space. Keeping it light and easy is the way to go. Keep in contact. Maybe send him funny videos you come across and say, “I saw this and made me laugh like crazy! Hope it does the same for you.” Send him jokes, be a little flirty here and there (if you don’t know how, let us know and we can give you some tips) and just let the friendship develop from there. Still let him initiate quite a bit and just keep it simple.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Judith,
I am glad to know that you are slowly piecing your life back together. There is a lot of loss and grief you are dealing with. I imagine it was wonderful to have feelings of love for someone again. Like what Kanya said, if you said anything like that to him, it most likely would have scared him off. Having only been on a few dates and he knew your husband….there are A LOT of different feelings I imagine he would have about the situation. The slower you go the better right now.
One thing I noticed about what you said is about knowing how short life is, so you are willing to have him move in right away. Here is maybe something to consider….your fear of loss is influencing your need to experience EVERYTHING right away. It would be a very normal feeling, however when fear is influencing ANYTHING, it changes the dynamics of the situation. It skews a person’s perspective. I wonder what you would have done if you weren’t afraid. I wonder if you would have taken things a lot slower. Maybe remember back to when you met your husband. Did you jump in right away or did the relationship develop over time??
What would be helpful for us to know at the moment is the current status of what is going on. Are you guys still talking or has he completely disconnected? If you are still talking, is he doing any initiating or are you making all the contact first?
We are so glad you are here and sharing your story with us. Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Has anything shifted? How are you holding up??
Heidi
Hi Marsha!
You are not alone! All the women here are completely baffled and confused by how their guy is behaving. A lot of times, men have no clue what they are doing either!
Let’s see if we can figure this out. So you have only met him once? It sounds like you connected really well over the phone, then went to visit him. You had sex just once? After sex, was at least connective? Or he withdrew completely? And then you arrive home and he is still initiating talking with you?
Here is the biggest challenge about long distance relationships that are just starting out. People end up really connecting over the phone or texting etc., but it isn’t reality. You both end up creating an idea of who you think the other person is and then when you meet in person, things don’t quite match up very well.
So it’s not unusual to have a perception about him and his attitude over the phone but then have a different experience with him in person.I am also wondering if he didn’t really enjoy having sex with you. How do you feel it went? Did you feel it flowed well together? Did you feel connected? Did he seem awkward at all? Did you feel awkward??
Lastly, you were married 35 years. That means you have a lot of things you are still carrying around with you energetically about that experience. I am wondering if he picked up on some of that stuff. Did you ever work with anyone…a coach or a therapist….to help you deal with all the emotions that come up from getting a divorce??
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!!!
Hi Elena,
Wow! You have been through a lot and are quite resilient!!! Well done!!! Many people would not have fought for themselves to the level that you did and still are. I have a lot of respect for you!!!
I do have a question…it sounds like you guys are very comfortable with each other, however he was going on trips with you all the while having a girlfriend. That concerns me quite a bit. He was cheating with you and you didn’t even know you were participating. This makes me have the idea of him that he has a really hard time being monogamous or he is the type of guy who doesn’t go very deep with his ladies. He split his energy. He never really fully or completely commits his heart…instead he gives parts of his heart to different ladies. I could be totally wrong of course. Help us with a little more detail. What do you think all of that was about? Why do you think he had a girlfriend, yet was cheating with you and it sounds like another lady….and who knows who else was involved??
So what I am hearing from you is that you want a committed, serious relationship with this guy….yes??
Heidi
It sounds like you are doing everything you possibly can. I’m glad to hear you are accepting who he really is. He is very lucky to have you in his life.
I wish there were guarantees in life. I wish that it was a given to reap the rewards for all of our efforts. It’s not like that with relationships. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I have a feeling he will eventually come around, but in the meantime, this is such a good time for you to learn more about yourself, practice forgiveness, practice acceptance and most of all….REALLY connect to yourself in that idea that you will be okay without him, if he chooses to stay disconnected. It’s an odd thing….when I have helped people get into this space…where they feel empowered and happy even if the situation doesn’t turn out the way they want….the energy shifts and their partner re-connects. It’s the idea of letting go in order to allow something to take it’s true form. So that means facing your fear about losing him. That fear can absolutely affect and influence the direction of this relationship. When you get into higher frequency emotions like peace, resolve, happiness all on your own, that absolutely will influence your situation. If I were seeing you as a client, that would be the first place I would begin…helping you have freedom from your fear of losing him. That is the foundation. So maybe that is something you and your therapist can talk about.
Heidi
Hi Jeanette,
Welcome! This is a sticky situation you are in. First, I don’t think that questioning him was “wrong” or a mistake by any means. I would say that it could have been handled in a different way. The very first rule I suggest you follow is to NEVER text anything of a serious nature. It is one of the WORST ways to communicate intense feelings! It can easily be mis-read and create reactions in others that you don’t necessarily want. Talk on the phone or wait until you are in person to have those kinds of talks!!!
I hate to say this, but I feel it just needs to put it out there. I have some red flags up…I’m concerned that he is 31 and has never gotten a lady flowers before or asked a lady to be his valentine. I could understand that in his early 20s. But to be in his 30s and not have that kind of experience tells me he either has VERY little experience with the ladies or he is lying. There are many guys out there that are EXPERTS at pouring it on very thick with the ladies…I get very suspicious whenever I hear anything to the affect of, “I’ve never done this before….” or “You are the first ever….” That is actually a TECHNIQUE used to activate a woman’s heart and to get her to “melt” so to speak…which gets the lady to eat right out of the guy’s hands. Many times, guys will date ladies that are a bit of a drive so they can manage a couple of girls at once. The ladies are not in the same town, they don’t know his friends and he can have all kinds of freedom, say what he wants to say, and no one could ever check up on him. Sadly, this is a common thing. Did you guys meet online? I’m not saying this is true of your guy….but just something to maybe consider.
In efforts to re-connect, I am wondering if you have apologized for what you said. If yes, what was his response? I would say that for right now, stay connected. Be his friend and be a little flirty at the same time. Take off ALL expectations as to how often or when you will see him. Just stay connected. Being light and flirty can inspire him to want to keep connecting with you. Remember though, you want to connect just a little and then let him initiate. You want to make sure he feels like the ball is in his court. Let him know you are responsive, but let him initiate. This is where I would start and then wait and see what he responds like.
What do you think?
Heidi
