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Hi Julie,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s such a powerless feeling to have to sit by and watch your love slip through your fingers and not have a clear path to fix it.
I’m going to be honest. This is a pretty tough situation you are in. If he were to stay with you, he would have to kill off what sounds like like a pretty strong dream of his. I’m curious though…did you guys ever talk about this before? I imagine that he must have shared his thoughts on having children with you.
What are your thoughts about what is REALLY happening here. Yes, mid-life crisis is obviously possible, but what triggers that is different for each person. You know him pretty well, so what do you think is happening for him on a deeper level? Do you believe it really is about having children? Is there anything you can think of that would have triggered this in him? Maybe one big event or several small ones?
You say you guys are still seeing other quite frequently. What’s happening during those times? Are you guys still being intimate? Are you guys just meeting up for date night? What’s happening in your conversations? What feelings is he sharing with you?
Heidi
Hi Julie,
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s such a powerless feeling to have to sit by and watch your love slip through your fingers and not have a clear path to fix it.
I’m going to be honest. This is a pretty tough situation you are in. If he were to stay with you, he would have to kill off what sounds like like a pretty strong dream of his. I’m curious though…did you guys ever talk about this before? I imagine that he must have shared his thoughts on having children with you.
What are your thoughts about what is REALLY happening here. Yes, mid-life crisis is obviously possible, but what triggers that is different for each person. You know him pretty well, so what do you think is happening for him on a deeper level? Do you believe it really is about having children? Is there anything you can think of that would have triggered this in him? Maybe one big event or several small ones?
You say you guys are still seeing other quite frequently. What’s happening during those times? Are you guys still being intimate? Are you guys just meeting up for date night? What’s happening in your conversations? What feelings is he sharing with you?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing a bit more detail.
I know that feeling when you just feel so incredibly connected with someone and how natural it can feel.
I’m going to burst your bubble a bit here, just to bring in some reality. I know you want to fight for this guy, but there are some pretty big red flags here that are telling you that he is either not ready for a serious relationship or that he really is not set up emotionally to have a healthy relationship long term. Because you feel like you love him, it’s making you want to fight for him and dismissing the red flags that quite evident.
I made a mistake and he is holding me accountable. As I should be. But to an extreme, which I don’t feel is fair. What do you mean he was holding you accountable? What did that look like? How did he treat you? The BIG RED FLAG here is that it sounds like he is holding it against you for some reason and punishing you somehow. What is he doing that made it more extreme? The thing is, it does not sound like he is very good at forgiving and letting things go, once it’s talked about and worked through. It sounds like he still ends up holding it over their head and doesn’t release his hurt feelings. THIS IS VERY TOXIC to a relationship. Someone who doesn’t forgive, only ends up building resentment over time and builds a wall between their heart and their partner’s heart. My guess is, this is what he is doing, especially with how he has decided to just completely block you.
Another red flag here is that he is still in business with his ex-wife and how she is meddling in his life. He obviously is not ready to entirely separate from her and she from him. It sounds like she is quite pushy and meddling, yet he is not setting strong enough boundaries to protect himself. Even if she is the type to not respect his boundaries, then it’s time to 100% sever all connection from her and create his own business. As long as this dynamic exists in his life, he will NEVER be able to fall in love again. It’s only been 3 months and you guys already had a fight about her. So…even though they are divorced, they are still in each other’s lives daily and it does not sound like a healthy and respectful dynamic. So as long as he participates in this design of relationship with his ex, he will never be available to any other woman…no matter how natural and easy and wonderful everything feels.
You are confused because you are not able to reconcile how wonderful he is and what an amazing connection you guys had with how he is treating this breakup. The thing is, you barely know this guy. I always tell people this…if you are looking for a lifelong partner, the MOST IMPORTANT quality to look for is how they treat you in their worst moments. Although it’s important that things are great, it doesn’t make or break the relationship. What will make or break a relationship is how the couple treats each other in their worst moments. Are they respectful or critical? Are they listening or just trying to be right? Are they open to connecting and willing to work through it, or do they stonewall and disconnect? What happens in your worst moments and how you treat each other, will easily and effortlessly destroy the connection or build it up. And from what it sounds like, you did not treat him with much respect when you were hurt and he is stonewalling you. My point being, it doesn’t sound like either of you are very honoring or respectful when there is hurt and that, in and of itself, is what ruined the relationship. It doesn’t sound like either of you have a skillset to know how to work through challenging moments in a healthy way, so your relationship was doomed to begin with. It’s not anyone’s fault here…it’s just dysfunction that showed up between the both of you. You are willing to keep learning and working on things, but he is not. And that is a quality that will always sabotage connection. Someone who runs away and blocks connection is NOT a good teammate/partner. So as much as you love him and want him back, his behavior now is a preview of what you would constantly be dealing with and fighting against, so you would not be as happy nourished with him as you think.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It’s the infamous battle between the head and the heart and most times, the heart is so darn powerful that it ends up winning and causes an incredible amount of suffering and pain in the process. This is actually a battle more WITHIN your heart. Let me explain.
You have 2 parts of you that influence what your heart feels. Your child and your adult. Let’s say your heart is a car and both your child and your adult are in the car. Right now, the part of you that is in the driver’s seat is your little girl and your adult is in the back seat. In what world would you EVER give your little girl control of your love life? Your little girl is the one carrying the pain, the hurt, the woundedness from all of your life. She meets a guy who actually cares about her and makes her feel special, but as it turns out, is not able to offer her what she needs because he is sooooo scared (that is HIS little boy driving the car). He rescued you and helped you through separating from your ex, so he must REALLY care about you! (that’s what your little girl thinks and feels). All the while, you have an adult part of you sitting in the back seat, aware of what is REALLY happening, sees the red flags, but cannot get control of the car because the little girl is just too strong. She is sick and tired of being hurt. She is sick and tired of timing being an issue. She is sick and tired of rejection. She wants him back no matter what. It doesn’t matter that he is incredibly dysfunctional. It doesn’t matter that he actually doesn’t respect women. It doesn’t matter that he lets fear run his life. All that matters is that she wants him back so she doesn’t have to hurt anymore. But the adult side of you knows that if you get back together again, the little girl is driving right into another major crash. The adult part of you knows it’s time to heal and work on ALL of your wounds, from past to present.
People who are lead by their child energy into a relationship will always end up in a major crash, sabotage connection and will have to face A LOT more pain. It’s called trauma bonding. His little boy energy is in the driver’s seat as well. Like I said, the child energy driving the car is the one carrying all hurt, pain and suffering and when she gets fed by love, connection and joy, it’s like having a beautiful glass of water when you are incredibly dehydrated, in the middle of the desert. But what the little girl doesn’t see is that the glass of water she is being handed is full of chemicals, dirt and is actually toxic to her. But she doesn’t see that. All the knows is that the water feels soooooooo good! Your adult knows better though, but is not the one who is in control here.
Here is a video about trauma bonding: https://youtu.be/HRREbjsq3jY
Here is another video about breaking up: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
What your job is right now, is to get your little girl out of the driver’s seat. The way you do that is to start turning towards yourself and lovingly and compassionately offer her comfort, understanding AND a little tough love. You, the adult, who KNOWS he is not healthy for her, needs to take control. It’s no different than a mother protecting her child from touching a hot stove. She educates them, she rushes over and grabs their hand and yells. The child doesn’t know any better, but the mother does. So this is about YOU mothering yourself. It’s time to stop looking to HIM, or any other person for that matter, to make you feel better. He will NOT fix the pain you carry inside. You have some gaping wounds with deep infections and all he can offer is a bandaid. Sure…it might help stop the bleeding a little bit, but that’s not going to fix anything. You get back together with this guy and you will end up right back where you are now. So do for yourself, rescue yourself, instead of wanting him to do it for you. That’s little girl thinking and fantasizing about a man coming along and rescuing her from her heartache.
I’m not saying the connection isn’t real. Of course it is and of course it feels amazing. AND….connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. Connection and chemistry is what brings people together, but it doesn’t mean you both approach life the same way. It doesn’t mean you both have the skillset to manage when you are disconnected. It doesn’t mean a relationship can actually work.
It was about 4 years ago that I had an INCREDIBLE connection and chemistry with this guy I met at Starbucks. It was palpable and reciprocated and man was it powerful!!! It was so strong that I found myself thinking about him ALL THE TIME. The problem was, he was incredibly dysfunctional, had bipolar and I saw the flavors of it, was incredibly fearful of intimacy and was the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what would actually make me happy. Yikes! I was amazed as I watched myself make all kinds of excuses for him. I watched myself so easily negotiate away my standards and needs. I KNEW I was in big trouble. I rarely feel that way and I wanted more of it. The chemical reactions happening in your body when there is attraction are like drugs!!! It’s so incredibly powerful. I made sure I told my closest friends so they could hold me accountable. I worked with my coach to help me disconnect and protect myself. It felt like a battle to pull myself away from this guy (and we never even went on a date). We ran into each other all the time at Starbucks and almost daily at the gym we both worked out at. My point is, I understand how powerful the connection is. I understand the suffering. I also understand when it’s not enough. I also understand creating a fantasy around someone that is not realistic and how that fantasy is much stronger than reality. It’s a lot of work to switch to reality and let go of the fantasy, but you can do it. If you don’t want to hurt anymore and if you want to get out of suffering, you have to throw yourself a lifeline. Get some help. Face your pain on your own. Start developing your skillset to work with your emotions instead of letting them take over your entire being. It’s time for your adult to step into the driver’s seat and take control. Your adult is the ONLY one who can help you heal and put your little girl in the back seat, which is where she belongs.
Heidi
Oh goodness. I am soooo so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s awful to be stonewalled like that.
Would you mind sharing more detail?
1. How long have you been together?
2. Is this his typical response when something goes wrong? Does he have a habit of not wanting to talk things through with you?
3. What happened? I imagine you have some idea that would cause this kind of reaction.
4. Are YOU happy in this relationship? It’s entirely possible to love someone but not like the relationship you both create together. So if you were to rate how happy you are with him as your partner…on average, what number would you give your happiness on a scale of 1-10? (10 being entirely happy, 1 being completely and utterly unhappy).When someone is stonewalling you, it’s important to let them be and respect the boundary they have set. Even though it’s awful, it’s a really good time to take a good look in the mirror and work with all the feelings you have that are being triggered by his rejection. It’s also a good time to really consider if this is the kind of man you want to fight for. He is not fighting for himself, therefore can’t fight for you and that makes him a pretty difficult kind of partner. If he is doing this now, he will do it again…and my guess is, he has done this before on various levels.
Do you have anyone who you can talk about this with? Any support from friends or family?
Heidi
Because he never let anyone in his life during all this years, but he let me… he chased me for so long.. and I still don’t understand fully. Does a men do all this just for a one time sex then dump?
What did he actually felt during our time together? He showed so much excitement in the times we made some time to be by ourselves (which was really hard because of the kids), then now it just feels like I was nothing at all First of all, it doesn’t matter what he has done the past 6 years. You don’t know it’s 100% true and honestly, I am not convinced. Regardless, none of the reasons really matter. All that matters is that he has done this. I understand that your mind wants to put his behaviors into a box that makes sense for you. The reality is, it’s all just a guessing game, because the only answers are inside his head. So…being that you will probably never get the full understanding behind his choices and actions, all you have to deal with is what actually happened. What happened is that he drew you in, connected with you, told you how special you were in various ways, then retracts all of that and pulls away saying he “thought” you were on the same page about not wanting a relationship without ever being honest right from the beginning with you. His actions and his words are NOT aligned and that is all you need to know. The “why” behind it, doesn’t matter, so let your mind rest in trying to figure him out and just deal with the facts…he is NOT a good partner.So it seems day to day, apart from taking care of my two kids, work and study, gym, I have nothing to look out for. No joy. No plans. I am just so sad, then I miss him. I miss him texting daily and making plans with the kids… that just suddenly disappeared from my life too. I want to encourage you to create a different perspective you. Everything you have said is about what you don’t have instead of looking at what you DO have. And what you DO have are you beautiful kids, your freedom and not being in an emotionally abusive relationship anymore, you are studying for something to give yourself more purpose in your life, you GET TO workout and go to the gym vs. many people who are not even able to do that. There is joy everywhere. There are beautiful flowers in bloom, I have no doubt you love your children and can easily find joy with them, you can find joy in the benefits you get from going to the gym, you can find joy in the strength you had to get away from your ex-husband, you can find joy EVERYWHERE. You just need to be willing to focus your attention on the joy instead of getting sucked into the energy of suffering from this loss.
What is important to understand is that all your sadness and hurt is not just about him, but it’s about ALL the baggage full of hurt and low self-esteem you have carried for years. His rejection is triggering a lifetime full of hurt and that’s why you are feeling depressed to the level you are. It would be a really good idea to work with your therapist again and start to clear the junk out.
Heidi
Hi Viviane,
You are really going through a lot. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this rejection. I know how badly it hurts the heart to have a guy not fight for you. The thing is, this is a blessing in disguise. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, as all you can feel is hurt, but I hope that at some point, you will be able to connect to and see the gifts in this experience.
It was NO mistake that you brought up what you did about your feelings. You did not scare him away! His commitment to be single forever was there long before you entered the picture and it’s a MAJOR red flag that he didn’t communicate that to you from the beginning. He was quite irresponsible to lead you on the way he did. To connect to the level that he did, ANY woman would have been drawn in and feel like he was interested in investing in a relationship at some point. He is in fantasy land if he thinks he can treat women this way and not have them want more. So again, he is either completely naive (which I doubt) to think you wouldn’t want more from him or he was incredibly uncaring about your precious heart and wanted what he wanted (sex and affection) knowing it would end at some point, so he let it go on as long as possible. RED FLAG!!!!
Also, the fact that he has committed to never be in a relationship again because of his past, all that tells me is the is incredibly fearful, has no idea how to forgive and release the hurt from the past and that makes him NOT a good partner. If he is holding onto his past this strongly, that he is committed to never love again…he is incredibly emotionally fragile. EVERYONE has heartbreak. EVERYONE has stories about how their hearts have been obliterated by love. Most people want to move on. Most people are willing to try again. This guy has completely shut himself down, so he is letting his past, rob him of joy and connection in his future. This is DEFINITELY not a guy you would ever want to let into your inner circle. He holds onto his pain for dear life and doesn’t forgive and that sets up any relationship for failure. Relationships are full of abandonment, rejection, hurt, betrayal…it’s normal! If a person does not choose forgiveness every single time, then the relationship will never last. This is one of the main reasons I am telling you that him “rejecting” you was a gift. He is not partner material. He is not actually rejecting you….he is rejecting himself. He is rejecting love. He is rejecting connection. He is rejecting happiness. He is NOT rejecting you.
I can’t stop hoping he will regret and reach out to me again. Let him go Viviane. Regardless of how you feel, it’s not enough to make a relationship work and last. He is NOT available for you in the way you need. You are also carrying A LOT of emotional baggage, which makes you not very equipped to be in a healthy relationship either.
I want to encourage you to get help. You left an abusive marriage and that is HORRIBLE what you had to endure. You have been demoralized, reduced to nothing, beaten down physically and emotionally…and that means you are going to have a lot of low self-esteem…it’s impossible not to. It’s your low self-esteem that kept you with him in the first place. So you leave your marriage and immediately jump into connecting with this guy, all the while not having to feel the pain you carry, because this new guy made you feel so amazing. The truth is, you need to learn to feel amazing all on your own, so you don’t end up in another abusive relationship or with a guy who does not value your heart. Would you consider working with a therapist who specializes in domestic abuse?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow, he really jumped right back in to dating. That is a guy who is running away from his feeling and not facing the deep loss of his marriage. He is not a guy you want to have as a partner anyways, because he is a runner. So whenever things get difficult between you guys, he would be the guy to jump ship before deeply working on anything.
There is nothing you can do about HIM. He is a sovereign being and gets to be who he wants to be. You job to fully and completely embrace and accept who he is, including his limitations. Acceptance however, does not mean keeping him in your life. Acceptance is “I care about you and accept you with all your limitations. But with that acceptance, I also love myself enough to not let your limitations break my heart over and over again.” Acceptance means you choose not to fall in love with his potential and try and “fix” him, it just means you embrace his yukiness AND walk away because his yukiness is toxic and harmful right now. He has a lot of work to do before he will ever be ready to let someone else in. I know he spent some good time being separated before the divorce was official, but separation hits the psyche different than divorce.
It seems there is nothing I can really do to change the situation. Would you want to? Really think about this…even if I handed you a magic wand to get him back, would you still choose to have a guy who runs away from his feelings? Would you still choose to be intimate and hand your heart over to a guy who is more fearful than anything when it comes to love? He would be a project for you…he would be a rollercoaster ride for you. Is that what you want?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I am soooo so sorry for what you are going through. It’s incredibly tough to be blindsided like this. There are a lot of layers here so I will do my best to explain some of the red flags, to hopefully help you understand more about what is happening here.
Just a question…how long has he been divorced? You said it was relatively recent and he has had 2 relationships prior to you, since his divorce. After being married for 19 years and having that marriage end partly because of an emotional affair is incredibly difficult. It sounds like his feelings are still very palpable and real. This is the first MAJOR red flag to let you know you that regardless of how he feels about you, he is NOT ready to offer any woman his love. As long as he is still angry and hurt, there is NO WAY he has the ability to be 100% available for another woman. His anger and hurt are VERY CLEAR signs that he is fearful, guarded and has not forgiven what has happened…and therefore he will not have the ability to trust or be present with you.
Also being that everything happened pretty fast between you guys, especially since he still has not moved on from his marriage, is another red flag. It sounds like the “I love you’s” have already been exchanged and it’s only been a few months. That is barely enough time to get to know someone, so the “I love you” is going to be more chemistry vs. time and experience spent together to actually EARN an “I love you” that has a solid foundation.
From what you are saying, it sounds like he is still very confused, afraid, hurting and definitely NOT ready to have any kind of serious relationship. No matter how amazing he has been, no matter how much fun you guys had together, no matter the feelings for each other, it doesn’t change what else exists here…he is still angry, hurt, feeling betrayed and not 100% present in his relationship with you…and as long as this side exists, he will not be 100% emotionally available for you in order to build a relationship that is solid and sustainable….as evidenced by him running away after a few months.
This is not about you…this is about him not being ready. He needs to work through what happened and stop stepping into a relationship that he cannot support. He probably did the same thing to the 2 other women before you. He will find ways to sabotage the connection because deep down…he isn’t ready.
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Johanna,
Your heart must be breaking. To put in so much effort to try and make things work, only to have a partner that won’t and who shuts you out, is really awful. I’m so sorry.
You have some tough decisions to make here. The longer you stay and continue to be ignored and dismissed, the more damage it does to your precious heart and to the relationship. It’s just going to become more and more painful as time goes on. You can either just keep participating in this design or you make some changes for yourself to create movement somehow. Right now, you guys are very stuck. Movement is important to get through something like this. You can do small movements for yourself and maybe consider working with a therapist to help you create movement within yourself. Or…you can create movement in the relationship by letting him know that you are almost at the point of requesting a legal separation unless he is willing to start talking and work through this WITH you. It doesn’t mean you guys will stay together, it just means it’s time to be brutally honest and authentic so you BOTH can deal with ALL the cards that are on the table in order to make the best decisions moving forward. If he isn’t willing to talk, then start the process of moving out and getting separated…and still find yourself a good therapist who can help you deal with this loss.
I know it’s harsh. You cannot force someone to talk or work through things with you. All you can do is either fully embrace and accept their choices and behaviors and know it’s going to hurt over and over again…or you can start to make different decisions and design something different for yourself, because he isn’t willing to do that.
I’m so sorry Johanna. Either choice is full of a lot of pain and heartache…they are different versions of pain, but pain is pain.
Heidi
Hi Tammy,
Welcome!! We are really glad you are here. I understand this is confusing for you.
I’m wondering. What is so great about this guy that it’s worth being treated this way? Here is a guideline that is VERY important to follow. It’s about patterns. Once is just once. Twice is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So far, this guy has shown you 2x that as soon as things are going well or you are being vulnerable and trying to develop intimacy, he runs. I guarantee you, this kind of behavior is a STRONG pattern and will happen again and again and again because there is an impenetrable wall around his heart that only HE can break down.
Also, you are teaching him to treat you this way. He gets to be himself. He gets to connect and disconnect as much as he wants. YOUR choice to keep participating in his pattern, is teaching him that he gets to treat you however he wants and there are no consequences. Basically, you are teaching him that it’s okay for him not to care about how he is affecting you, by accepting his behavior and not setting boundaries for yourself.
It seems like you are making this connection with him way more important than how he is treating you. This particular behavior is a MAJOR red flag and you are trying to figure out a way to keep his attention and where you stand with this guy. How about you requiring that he keeps YOUR attention and earn your trust? My guess is, you are not willing to set boundaries and respect yourself because you are not willing to lose him. The truth is, you don’t really have him anyways. No girl does. A guy that treats a woman like this has very little respect for her, is really confused and fearful of deeply connecting, or he enjoys playing games with a woman’s heart. The reason doesn’t really matter – what matters are his actions that are not suitable for any kind of sustained connection.
Tammy, your heart is valuable, sacred, unique and special. It needs to be treated as such. One question I ask my clients is “Is loving this guy or going after this guy, a kind and loving thing for your heart?” If your answer is 100% yes and there are no reservations, then I would say go for it. But what you are explaining here, I would say this guy is a dis-service to your heart.
When a woman respects and values herself and requires the same from the people she allows in her life, she wouldn’t accept anyone’s rollercoaster ride of deciding whether or not they want to be in her life. She would say “I do not accept being treated this way. You are confused and that’s okay. Maybe I don’t inspire you or maybe you are playing games. Either way, this doesn’t work for me. So figure out what you want and then we can talk about it. Until then, I’m not interested in connecting.” I know that may sound a bit harsh, but THAT is a woman who honors and respects what a man chooses to be AND she also respects herself by not participating in a connection with someone who is coming in and out and hurting and confusing her.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Johanna! I’m glad to hear that this new information is helpful for you and that you are learning and growing and most of all, interested in developing your confidence.
I’m curious…what do you think a confident person has that you don’t? Why do you think you have so much low self-esteem? What is stopping you from loving yourself? Let’s say you did develop more self-love and confidence…what do you imagine your life will be like?
He says he’ll never leave me so I have hope that everything will be alright with time and learning. I am going to burst your bubble here. These kinds of fantasies are really dangerous and can cause a lot of pain. It’s important always to embrace and work with what is true. What is true here, is no matter what anyone says, using the words “always” and “never” followed by a promise, is the most dangerous kind of promise to make, because while it may be true IN THE MOMENT, that’s all that promise is ever good for…IN THE MOMENT. So the “I will always love you” or “I will never leave you” kind of statements are simply statements he cannot guarantee…no one can. You seem to really find safety in his “I will never leave you” promise and that is NOT a statement to feel safe with. What IS true is that he means it for now. Life happens, he will change and so will you, so the ONLY guarantee your relationship has, is that you guys are going to evolve and change A LOT over the years…whether together or apart…that’s a DAILY choice. AND…I imagine you wouldn’t want him to stay with you just because he said he would. I know people that have chosen to stay with their partner because they made a commitment and not because they actually WANT to…so they end up cheating or sabotaging the relationship in other ways. That is not a good situation either, right? I know you want a vibrant, loving, nourishing connection with him. You BOTH will need to work to keep this relationship going. You can do all the work on yourself and build your confidence as much as you want, but if HE doesn’t do his own work and really release his “promise” to the other girl and release his guilt along with the other baggage he carries, your marriage will not be open, nourishing and vibrant. He needs to WANT to work on the relationship with you as well. Do you think he is willing? Is he the type to want to learn how to be better in his life? Do you think he would ever seek help to work more deeply within himself?
I believe the more I learn how to become irresistible, his feelings for her will vanish, maybe not completely, but at least I’ll be HIS love and he’s my hero and that’s what I want. You are still competing with this other woman in your mind. Learning how to become irresistible is not going to change him. He chose to marry you not from being madly in love, but instead trying to run from something else. Until HE faces his choice and really looks at his choice and releases his old promise, there will always be a wall between you guys, no matter how irresistible you are. Sometimes, 2 people have a “thing” that has no words. Sometimes, people connect in ways that are beyond anyone else they connect with and it sounds like they might have had that “thing” together. It doesn’t matter though, because love takes MANY forms and each version of love is powerful in its own way. So instead of trying to “become” irresistible to him (which immediately sets you up to compete against the other girl for his love), connect with the power and beauty and uniqueness of the love you offer to him. Let this other girl go and focus on the love that you and him are building together each day. No, it’s not the same as the other girl, but it’s not meant to. Yours and his love is a unique blend of you and him and now your son. That’s powerful too, right?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there!
How’s it going? Are you enjoying your Manifest your Man program? How is your social life coming along? Meeting more people and doing some fun things?
Heidi
Hi Jessica!
I just saw your message and reached out to a staff person, so as soon as they get back to me, which is pretty quick usually, I will send you my Coach info.
I suggest deleting his text. I’m soooooo so proud of you that you didn’t even read it. Delete his contact info and I would also suggest blocking him. Addicts do tend to go in cycles where they will push away the people they care about the most and then eventually they circle back around, apologize, say ALL the right things and work their way back into their lives. Blocking him will keep you protected from falling back into his charms and the goodness he does have in him. You are vulnerable with him and maybe always will be. I am incredibly internally strong, but there really have been particular men in my life who somehow are able to break down my defenses and not in healthy ways. I know who these guys are and they are deleted and blocked. I’m not interested in playing with fire and expect that I can somehow handle it. Of course, I learned that the hard way though by getting hurt…a lot.
All I want is to talk to him and hear an apology. Closure. Which you probably got from your breakup but I know I have to stop wishing and just move on. It’s just easier said than done Healing from heartbreak is ALWAYS easier said than done…AND it can be done. I understand that you want closure from him and you want him to apologize. I have no doubt, that at some point, he really will connect into the pain he has caused you and so many other people in his life. It’s important for you to create closure for yourself. My father was a really messed up guy. Twenty years ago I cut him out of my life. He died last summer. I never got an apology, I never got to have a dad who deeply loved and cared about me, I never got to have a father who owned up to his abuse. AND…I healed anyways. I created closure for myself by forgiving him and releasing the hurt I carried. Closure is NOT reliant upon another person. Healing DOES NOT require an apology from the offender. This is YOUR pain. Yes, he ignited it in you BUT, he did NOT cause the network of pain you are carrying from your past. You are wanting HIM to apologize for you to help relieve the pressure of the pain that lives in you. That is not his job. It is your 100% responsibility to take ownership of the pain and work with it yourself. He was just the last offender in a loooooong line of people who hurt you. An apology from him will not fix any of that. But what DOES fix it, is owning it, working with it and choosing to forgive and release the pain all of these people caused…and you don’t have to talk to a single one of them!!! We can all heal on our own.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shruti!
This is a great question and I’m glad you are asking this.
If he is ALREADY having some inconsistency in his behavior, that is DEFINITELY something you need to explore more and gain a deeper understanding about. He could be dating other people and when he is out with them, he is less available to shower you with attention, he could feel scared to really connect with you, he could have some stuff going on in his life that makes him feel not ready etc. There are a handful of reasons why his behavior could be like this. AND…to be honest, none of it matters because whatever the reasons are, it’s not going to change his behavior….maybe.
First, you have to be willing to walk away and NOT allow yourself to go through these ups and downs. For example, I have an old friend from 20 years ago that came back into my life a few months ago. At first, he was REALLY responsive to texting back, initiating phone calls and being connective…and then all of a sudden he wasn’t there anymore. My connection and friendship is valuable and I take care of that connection by having standards as to what I will participate in. Therefore, I send my friend a video and text letting him know that it didn’t feel good to send him several videos and texts and not have any responses from him in return. I understood that he is super crazy busy because of the season he is in at his work and that he just didn’t have the capacity to respond, however…that’s totally okay and I honor that AND it means I’m not interested in that kind of friendship. He immediately reached out, we scheduled a time to talk and we both expressed our thoughts and feelings about it and came to a resolution that worked for both of us.
I’m sharing this example because FIRST AND FOREMOST, you have to care and love yourself MORE than any connection you have with a man. It is quite common for women to negotiate away their standards and how they are treated in order to stay connected with the guy. This leads to MANY MANY problems down the road AND it also leads to you teaching him how to treat you. When you value yourself and treat yourself with respect, others will either fall in line with that or they will fall away from that. I was willing to end the friendship if he was not willing to shift some things and start to care more about the friendship I was offering. Does this make sense?
So, to start, I would suggest to have a mindset of curiosity and ask him some questions about this pattern he has of being really connective and then not. If he is dating other girls, he most likely will not tell you that, as he probably will be afraid. Regardless, what YOU need to decide is what you REQUIRE in order for you to stay connected. Are you wanting a committed relationship with him? Do you want him to be more attentive all the time or do you just want more consistency?
When you have this conversation with him, you can ask him “I’m noticing that sometimes you are crazy attentive and feel very available to connect and then other times it’s quite the opposite. I’m wondering what is happening? Are you afraid? Are you dating other girls? Are you just not sure about me? I really would like to learn about you and what’s going on.” Then, you can let him know what you need if he wants you to continue connecting with him. Make sure you are VERY clear and detailed about what you would like. Instead of saying, I’d like you to be more consistent, explain what that actually means. If you want more attention, well what kind of attention? Be clear about this so if he is interested in wanting to keep connecting with you, he knows EXACTLY what he needs to do.
How does this approach feel for you?
Heidi
