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Elena!
Holy smokes well done!!! That is a VERY powerful connection that you made!!! Anytime I start to find myself attracted to a man and seeking his connection and attention, one of the first questions I ask is myself is why? It is VERY common for people to feel attracted to someone from a place of “woundedness” vs. “clarity.” And it’s IMPOSSIBLE to tell the difference because it all feels exactly the same. It takes knowing yourself REALLY well, your patterns, your habits, the current mindset you are in…in order to decipher between what is a real connection vs. what is a wounded connection. And you just did that!!!! It will make it much easier next time around to pay attention to those parts of yourself.
I seriously have a GIANT smile right now! You re-connected with a part of yourself that is soooooo valuable and now you are more empowered!
In regards to your question, you want to do the same thing as above. Ask yourself, “why?” Why would you tell him? AND why wouldn’t you tell him? These questions help you identify what the SOURCE is. Is it coming from a clear place or is it coming from a wounded place? Make sense?
Share those answers with me and then we can go from there.
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
He knows you want him to come back. You have mentioned it in so many different ways. He even admits to it being the “right” thing to come back. So he knows…it’s not about you asking him or not. This is about him working through whatever is stopping him from moving forward with you and that is between him and his therapist and how he is feeling inside. This is his internal challenge which he has to fix himself. If you keep doing what you are doing, whenever he is ready to face what he needs to, he will most likely respond to you most because he will feel safe with you, accepted by you and loved by you through your ACTIONS. I wish there was a quick and easy fix for this one. It’s never easy when dealing with someone has some mental challenges. So keep being patient and accepting and mostly, loving towards yourself.
What kinds of things are you doing for your YOURSELF right now? Are you having any fun? Are you doing anything extra to take care of yourself right now?
Heidi
Hi Mary!
I understand you are lost in your own mind. We all go through phases like that in different ways and it is extremely uncomfortable. You ARE digging yourself out though. You are being VERY resourceful. You are here talking to us, you are joining a support group, you are looking for a counselor. Well done!!! To me, that is a someone who is reaching out for help when they need it! That is smart and one of the very best ways to handle challenging situations. Digging yourself out doesn’t mean the pain goes away though. That still has to be dealt with, but you are digging. It just takes some time. Being resilient is one of the most crucial skills to develop in life and that is what you are learning how to do right now. Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. Your mind is going crazy and I have no doubt there is A LOT of judgement you have towards yourself about what is going on in your mind. Turn that judgment into kindness, love and compassion towards yourself. You are dealing with some very difficult things right now and need as much love as possible! Since you aren’t really getting it from friends, you have to give it to yourself (another important life skill!). Learning how to love yourself is so hard, but this is such a crucial time for you to develop that skill. It is how you will make it through without sinking deeper into that hole.
Thoughts???
Heidi
Hi Stephanie!
This is all starting to make more sense now. It has nothing to do with you. He is feeling POWERLESS in his life.
Imagine there is a GIANT trash can that represents all of his negative thoughts and low self esteem. IT”S FULL!!!! When someone reaches their limit, you know it!!! They make radical decisions, they disappear, impulse control goes out the window….they are soooooo uncomfortable they just can’t stand it anymore…so they do everything they can to get out of that pain. Many times they will blame their uncomfortableness on the current situation, but the truth is, they have a lifetime full of negative emotions stored in that trash can. That’s what happens when people don’t deal with their hurt feelings, loss, betrayal….they think that just because they don’t “feel” hurt anymore, they are better. Not true. All that happens is those emotions get dumped into the trash can and are GUARANTEED to show up later on in life. Well now they are showing up for him. He has been burying his feelings, stress, emotions and now his trash can is full and he is having a very hard time….as he should be. That is the consequence to burying emotions and unfortunately, you are on the brunt end of his choices. This is not about you. It’s about everything that has happened in his life waaaay before you ever came along.
So there is a theme here from what you told me. My educated guess is that the them is POWERLESSNESS.
1. His sister died. He couldn’t save her. He felt powerless.
2. He hates the house. He doesn’t have the money to get a new house. He feels powerless.
3. He loves you and wants to marry you, but he doesn’t have the resources (money) to be able to take care of his “family” the way he wants to. He feel powerless.
4. He loves your son, but doesn’t have the resources (money) to be the kind of father he wants to be him. He feels powerless.Basically, there is 1 GIANT thought floating around, telling him he isn’t enough. For men, at a very PRIMAL level, getting married means taking on a family. A man must provide. For women, it’s about relationship and connection. Money is important, but not in the same way it is for a man. It’s one of the many ways we are built differently.
So getting married was the trigger. You making more money than him might be more of an issue than you realize. You said money has never been an issue, but from what it sounds like, he has an ENTIRE inner world that he doesn’t communicate. So he may have all kinds of feelings about it, but just doesn’t talk about it. I could be wrong, but from what you are telling me about the things he has said to you, I have some strong suspicions about that topic in particular.
And he may not even really be aware of those deep feelings either. All he knows is that he has a lot of pain he is feeling and he can’t sort through them very well and he is trying to figure it out. He can’t ask about your health, he can’t talk about what he is dealing with, he can’t care about your son….because he is TAPPED OUT! He cannot take one more ounce of sad news, making someone feel disappointed, or feeling powerless AGAIN on any level. So don’t take it personal. He is in survival mode. He just can’t be there for you right now.Does what I am saying make sense?? Does it seem like it is spot on, or am I missing it???
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I understand your fear. It’s natural and all of this is very scary.
What’s the first hardest thing he has ever done in his life??
I’m going to say this in a bit of a blunt way, but keep reading. You cannot do anything about whether or not he cheats. People who cheat are the ones that are FULLY responsible in that moment to either keep or break their integrity. It is a moment between their desires and their higher self….it is not YOUR responsibility to keep him happy. It is not YOUR responsibility to make sure he doesn’t cheat. It is not YOUR responsibility to make sure the relationship works or doesn’t work. Relationships are about each person individually FIRST and then the couple next. Individually, we are all responsible for ourselves, making sure we get our needs met, making sure we stay in integrity, making sure our heart are being taken care of. THEN…we show up in relationship and take care of the relationship as well.
If he does decide to take that route, he has to go through that experience in order to learn what he needs to learn from the experience. It’s like being a parent. You have to give the car keys to your kid to let them go out and be who they want to be in the world. You cannot control their choices. You can only hope that the foundation was strong enough to help them make good decisions in their lives. The same is true with your guy. You have offered him everything you possibly can. He still has to go out and be who he needs to be in order to get through this. If that means cheating, he will have to face the consequences of that choice.
I am asking that you face your fear. Whenever fear is in the driver’s seat of our decision making, we are not in a clear mind. Fear clouds our thinking, our feelings, our lives. So if fear is in the driver’s seat of your car and is running the show….your need to control is going to kick into HIGH GEAR.
One of the ways I face my biggest fears is by connecting back to my self. If I were in your situation, I would be saying to myself, “If he cheats, I will be okay. I am more than this fear of him cheating and have life after feeling my fear of him cheating. I know how to be free, be happy and be at peace.” I’m not saying the fear won’t be there, but saying something to this affect will put it in the back seat. It will still try to get back into the driver’s seat, but that’s where you gently remind yourself, “No…I am not going to let fear control this situation. I am more than this fear and I will be okay, no matter what shows up in my life. I am doing everything I know how and that is enough. I am enough whether he chooses me or not.”
Does all of this make sense???I just want to start with that concept first before going further into guiding you. It’s a VERY IMPORTANT foundation step before doing anything else.
Thoughts???
Heidi
Hi Kim!
Hmmmm….this is a tough one. I don’t blame you at all for being paranoid. There is a big change in his pattern with you and that automatically raises suspicion and combined with that, he has a history of being with several different women at 1 time…did I understand that correctly?
Of course it hurts your feelings. I just have a few questions…
1. How long have you been dating?
2. Has he ever talked about losing his wife? What was their relationship like?Many times, the loss of a spouse will cause someone to shut down the deeper parts of who they are. In essence, there is a part of them saying, “I am NEVER going to get close again because I never want to feel the pain of loss ever again.” Again, this part of them can be very deep and influence many relationships in their lives without them even knowing it. I’m saying this because maybe he is starting to feel close with you….and the closer he starts to feel with you, that stronger that other part becomes…the part of him that is in fear….and that fear will sabotage the relationship for sure.
The also is a possibility he lost his phone, or he is in a place with poor connection. You just never know. Before you start to get all riled about something and letting your mind go crazy with possible cheating scenarios…you want to get more information first. Do you have the phone number of where he is staying???
Heidi
Baaaaahahahahah!!!!! I have NEVER heard of that one either!!!! Oh my goodness!!!! Wowowowow!!! I feel sorry for those kinds of people. They have a difficult life as their choices of people are very slim. It’s a small percentage of people who would join him in those kinds of activities. I’m sure he is very used to rejection. I imagine it’s a numbers game though. He probably gets 1 yes out of 100 no’s so he probably just keeps asking until he gets that yes. Man!!!! That’s tough!!!
haha! wow!
Hi Tanya!
Haven’t heard from you in awhile! Hopefully I didn’t dishearten you with my challenges. I can do that sometimes! I really do want to hear how you are doing. How are you feeling about guy department? How are you feeling about your new design in life?
Heidi
Peggy!
First off, my eyes went WIDE open when you said a guy licked the sweat off your forehead!!! Whaaaat??? I started laughing!!! I can’t even imagine!!! What in the world do you do in a moment like that???? baaaahahahaha! Thanks for sharing that! I could always use a good laugh! It’s crazy what is out there in the world right???
I am so happy to hear you guys are getting to know each other. It’s peaceful, it’s fun and you both are on the same page. That is so wonderful!!! Thank you for sharing this experience with us. It’s always wonderful to hear some good news on here. It is possible to have an experience that is easy and effortless!!!
keep us updated please!!!
heidi
Hi Stephanie,
Okay…this is making more sense now. First and foremost, most likely this is going to take a bit of time, but you still have a very strong chance at re-uniting with him. It doesn’t sound like he is done with anything. It just sounds like he is scared and hurt. Impulsive decisions like that is his effort to try to feel better because he is hurting. He is looking for an external way to feel better, but really, it’s the internal that he needs to face. This is his pattern. He runs and shuts down, but so far, it sounds like he always comes back. This is the kind of guy you are wanting to fight for, so that means a lot of patience, a lot of understanding that being in limbo will be a part of your life. This is how he handles stress. So the more patient you are, the better. It’s like this: You need to be the ground while he is the tornado. He needs to be very messy right now and you need to just be solid….and then when he starts to calm down, you guys can begin to work on a solution.
For now, I would recommend just keeping things light. I would not talk about the relationship just yet. He is going to need some time to figure everything out before he is able to talk relationship stuff. You can suggest something like this: “Listen…I know you are struggling and that’s okay. I’m thinking…how about we just let everything go. Let’s not talk about the relationship at all for awhile. Let’s give it a good month where we just keep it light and enjoy each other’s company. We lost each other in the process of the wedding. I wish I could go back and re-do things but I can’t. But what I can do is just deal with today and be better. So if that means giving you complete space and enjoying you when you show up, then I’ll take it…..” Something to that affect….
And then follow through on that if he agrees. That means not contacting him very much and being super happy to see him when he does show up. Would you maybe be interested in working with a coach or counselor through this??? This is very hard what you are going through. It is always really helpful to have someone guide you through a situation like this and help you heal your broken heart.
Thoughts??
Heidi
Hi Mary,
I completely understand your frustration and heartache. You love him and want him back and he is not really responding in the way you were hoping. I see that you are doing everything you possibly can. There are no games here. There is just information for you to try and hopefully get a positive response. There is soooo much material on this website and ALL of it is helpful for your situation. Pick one area you would like to focus on. Look at what appeals to YOU the most. Look at what INSPIRES you to want to practice.
The first thing I really want to invite you to understand is that this is going to take some time. You guys have not had any passion for many years. He only left a week ago and it’s a lot to expect for things to change in just a week. Think about this process like a gardener. A seed is planted, but it takes learning A LOT on how to make that grow. It takes time, patience, care, understanding before it grows into what you want it grow into.
In the process of all of this, I also want to invite you into thinking about yourself as well. If you spend ALL of your energy and focus on how to get him back, at all costs, you will lose yourself in the process. Meaning…what do YOU need to be happy. What do YOU need from him? If all you do is ask him about what he needs, but he has no clue not desire to ask you about what you need, it’s a 1 sided relationship. He is not caring for you. If you are not caring for you either, then you are leaving yourself all alone, abandoned and uncared for. That is not healthy for you. A man respects a woman with strength. A man wants to be around a woman who knows how to be happy without depending on him to make her happy. From what he said, seeing you happy is what he really wants for you. So what are you doing to make that happen??? And it needs to be a happiness that you feel SEPARATE from him. It needs to be a happiness that comes from self esteem and self love. That is what he was talking about in the session with the counselor. He needs to see that from you in order to feel like something is different. Does this make sense?
So for now, keep having patience. Know this is going to take A LOT of time for trust to be built back up, for him to see that the relationship will be different and for YOU to see that he can meet your needs as well.
I might also suggest to connect less with him. If you stop working so hard at getting him to come back, he will feel a lot less pressure and most likely bring his defenses down. If he feels like you are always chasing him and wanting him to come back so you are happy, that just reminds him of why he left in the first place.
So how about thinking about some activities you can do to have some fun. Are there any hobbies you love? Are there any group activities you enjoy doing? Do you volunteer anywhere?? Create a life WITHOUT him in it. He most likely will respond to that and see that you are doing EXACTLY what he really wanted from you.
What do you think?
HEidi
Hi Danielle!
It sounds like you guys had a wonderful time! That is great news!
I know you are confused as he is sending a lot of mixed messages. I would recommend that for right now, stop trying to figure it all out. He is confused and there is NOTHING that will change that except for him. As long as he is confused, he will be sending mixed messages.
Your ONLY job is to just keep showing up the way you did these past few times. Light, fun, easy and connective. As long as you stay in that mindset, it sounds like he will stay connected. If you let go of any expectation that he will change, you will find more freedom and peace about how unstable this situation is. This is not about YOU. This is about HIM. So if you just let go of the situation, just keep connecting, you may find this whole thing easier to deal with. The moment you start to try to understand him, you will get lost. You are not dealing with someone who has a normal functioning brain, yet you keep trying to apply normal types of thinking with him…and it’s just not going to fit. He is unpredictable, he is confused and he is doing what he knows how to do….which is keep connecting with you, but not committing. AGain, this is for HIM to figure out. You just rest. Let your mind rest from trying to figure out everything…because you can’t. I know that is much easier said than done. What you DO know however, is that you are guys are having fun together and for right now…that is enough!!!! Keep it up! You are doing a great job!!!!
Heidi
Oh man Stephanie,
I am so sorry! I have no doubt your heart sank and there is a lot of hurt going on.
I just have a few questions. You have been together 5 years.
1. What is his pattern when dealing with stress? Does he tend to run, shut down, get quiet etc.? Or is he good at communicating?
2. Does he tend to think a lot about what is happening like analyzing the situation or does he just take things at face value?
3. Is he saying he doesn’t want to get married, or is he saying that he wants to break up entirely. I wasn’t sure with what you wrote, but it sounds like he wants to end the entire relationship.
4. Has he been married before? If yes, how was the ending? Was it messy or amicable?
5. Are you guys still talking at all or is it mainly just dealing with your son?
it just sounds like he is really scared. I’m not sure what he is afraid of exactly, but his fear is much bigger than his love for you. His complaints that you listed sound very trivial, so when someone complains about trivial stuff, that usually is a sign of something MUCH BIGGER going on…and many times, they aren’t even aware of it. With what he complained about, have you heard similar complaints before from him?
For now, just keep taking care of yourself as best you can. Be kind, compassionate and self – loving, as this is a VERY difficult time for you. I have no doubt that, over time, more information will be revealed.
Heidi
Oh Diane,
I am so sorry to hear this! Does he have a pattern of lying at all? I know you probably haven’t known him long enough to gather that information, but maybe you have an inkling or 2 where you noticed moments of him not being completely honest? Do you know who the woman is that he is in relationship with?
I personally would just confront him and have an honest conversation. There may be an explanation that you can’t even imagine, so I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt until all the information is out there. Is that something you think he would be willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Lisbeth!
Wow! What a bummer! It’s so disappointing to have conversations like that. I bet your heart just sank!
Of course you should remain friend. My first loved turned from best friend to boyfriend. It can happen in a matter of moments. You just never know.
I gotta hand it to him…he was great with communication. He was honest, he was open, he was not afraid to confront the issue head on. It also sounds like he might be afraid as well. Anyone who starts to write down pros and cons on a piece of paper, has a hard time trusting their instincts, their intuition and the feelings they are feeling. Whenever someone makes a “list” they are heading into the brain vs. the heart in order to get clarity. It’s important for BOTH aspects to be involved. People who don’t give their heart much credibility, are typically being run by fear. Do you sense this at all? How long has he been divorced?
Keep the friendship going! It’s the very best way to create trust with him as well as him feeling trust in himself that it’s okay to give ‘love’ another shot. I would also recommend to start getting comfortable with flirting. Have you ever been good at it? Men LOVE to have a responsive woman. Men LOVE to feel like they can make a lady get butterflies. You can start throwing in little compliments here and there, flash a flirty smile every once in awhile….if he asks what you are doing or thinks you are acting strange, you can just say, “I’m practicing flirting. I’m not very good at it and I want to be, so what better person to practice with than you! You are hot, you are sexy and I am having fun with it. I can stop if you want me to.”
I have had MANY guy friends whom I have flirted with a lot and it was just a fun thing to do. It’s a great way to open yourself up and feel a brand new part of yourself…which many times will create open doors for possibilities. You just never know. Remember the movie “When Harry met Sally?” So funny, but a story that could easily happen for anyone. Reality is, the more 2 people spend times together, go through difficult challenges together, share personal details, the more bonded they become. So just give it more time, activate his hero instinct, appreciate him, take the friendship deeper by getting to know more personal details and feel / look good whenever you hang out together and see what happens!
Thoughts?
Heidi
