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Hi Danielle!
It sounds like you guys had a wonderful time! That is great news!
I know you are confused as he is sending a lot of mixed messages. I would recommend that for right now, stop trying to figure it all out. He is confused and there is NOTHING that will change that except for him. As long as he is confused, he will be sending mixed messages.
Your ONLY job is to just keep showing up the way you did these past few times. Light, fun, easy and connective. As long as you stay in that mindset, it sounds like he will stay connected. If you let go of any expectation that he will change, you will find more freedom and peace about how unstable this situation is. This is not about YOU. This is about HIM. So if you just let go of the situation, just keep connecting, you may find this whole thing easier to deal with. The moment you start to try to understand him, you will get lost. You are not dealing with someone who has a normal functioning brain, yet you keep trying to apply normal types of thinking with him…and it’s just not going to fit. He is unpredictable, he is confused and he is doing what he knows how to do….which is keep connecting with you, but not committing. AGain, this is for HIM to figure out. You just rest. Let your mind rest from trying to figure out everything…because you can’t. I know that is much easier said than done. What you DO know however, is that you are guys are having fun together and for right now…that is enough!!!! Keep it up! You are doing a great job!!!!
Heidi
Oh man Stephanie,
I am so sorry! I have no doubt your heart sank and there is a lot of hurt going on.
I just have a few questions. You have been together 5 years.
1. What is his pattern when dealing with stress? Does he tend to run, shut down, get quiet etc.? Or is he good at communicating?
2. Does he tend to think a lot about what is happening like analyzing the situation or does he just take things at face value?
3. Is he saying he doesn’t want to get married, or is he saying that he wants to break up entirely. I wasn’t sure with what you wrote, but it sounds like he wants to end the entire relationship.
4. Has he been married before? If yes, how was the ending? Was it messy or amicable?
5. Are you guys still talking at all or is it mainly just dealing with your son?
it just sounds like he is really scared. I’m not sure what he is afraid of exactly, but his fear is much bigger than his love for you. His complaints that you listed sound very trivial, so when someone complains about trivial stuff, that usually is a sign of something MUCH BIGGER going on…and many times, they aren’t even aware of it. With what he complained about, have you heard similar complaints before from him?
For now, just keep taking care of yourself as best you can. Be kind, compassionate and self – loving, as this is a VERY difficult time for you. I have no doubt that, over time, more information will be revealed.
Heidi
Oh Diane,
I am so sorry to hear this! Does he have a pattern of lying at all? I know you probably haven’t known him long enough to gather that information, but maybe you have an inkling or 2 where you noticed moments of him not being completely honest? Do you know who the woman is that he is in relationship with?
I personally would just confront him and have an honest conversation. There may be an explanation that you can’t even imagine, so I always like to give people the benefit of the doubt until all the information is out there. Is that something you think he would be willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Lisbeth!
Wow! What a bummer! It’s so disappointing to have conversations like that. I bet your heart just sank!
Of course you should remain friend. My first loved turned from best friend to boyfriend. It can happen in a matter of moments. You just never know.
I gotta hand it to him…he was great with communication. He was honest, he was open, he was not afraid to confront the issue head on. It also sounds like he might be afraid as well. Anyone who starts to write down pros and cons on a piece of paper, has a hard time trusting their instincts, their intuition and the feelings they are feeling. Whenever someone makes a “list” they are heading into the brain vs. the heart in order to get clarity. It’s important for BOTH aspects to be involved. People who don’t give their heart much credibility, are typically being run by fear. Do you sense this at all? How long has he been divorced?
Keep the friendship going! It’s the very best way to create trust with him as well as him feeling trust in himself that it’s okay to give ‘love’ another shot. I would also recommend to start getting comfortable with flirting. Have you ever been good at it? Men LOVE to have a responsive woman. Men LOVE to feel like they can make a lady get butterflies. You can start throwing in little compliments here and there, flash a flirty smile every once in awhile….if he asks what you are doing or thinks you are acting strange, you can just say, “I’m practicing flirting. I’m not very good at it and I want to be, so what better person to practice with than you! You are hot, you are sexy and I am having fun with it. I can stop if you want me to.”
I have had MANY guy friends whom I have flirted with a lot and it was just a fun thing to do. It’s a great way to open yourself up and feel a brand new part of yourself…which many times will create open doors for possibilities. You just never know. Remember the movie “When Harry met Sally?” So funny, but a story that could easily happen for anyone. Reality is, the more 2 people spend times together, go through difficult challenges together, share personal details, the more bonded they become. So just give it more time, activate his hero instinct, appreciate him, take the friendship deeper by getting to know more personal details and feel / look good whenever you hang out together and see what happens!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
I responded in your other post in a different category, but I figured I can come on over to this post. How is everything going? Any new updates or anything you want to share?
Heidi
HI!
I cannot change your name to just “J” on your profile. I don’t have access to that, but I believe you do. If you go into your profile and edit, you should be able to do that.
I understand fully and completely the need to hide when you don’t feel good about your body. I’ve been through that a TON of times. My goal, however, is to always work on loving myself no matter what my body looks like. I always think of Oprah or Queen Latifah. They are thicker women and they didn’t hide anywhere. They are in the public eye, feeling beautiful…and most of all, I feel their strength and humanness and when I think of them, I don’t even think about their size…I think about their personalities! So just remember that…whatever you put out there is what people will remember about you!
The more details, the better for us. It helps us understand the situation more and will help us get to know you a little better as well. It’s can be challenging on our end. We are trying to piece together part of a story and giving the best guidance possible with very limited information. So keep sharing whatever you feel would be helpful!!!
Heidi
HI Danielle!
I bet it felt soooo wonderful to feel him connect with you again. It sounds like he is just 2 different people at the moment. He most likely enjoys BOTH of you.
This is for him to figure out. HE has to make the decision. The more you push, the more he will rebel most likely. DO NOT bring anything up! If you are going to support his journey, that means letting HIM figure everything out for himself without you offering your opinions. Leave him be. It will help him feel much more peaceful around you. If he asks your opinion, then of course, share it, but otherwise, your ENTIRE GOAL is to just be present with him. Whenever you are together, just focus on the present moment and NOTHING else. Block out everything else that is happening and just enjoy the time you have with him. Don’t talk relationships, don’t talk about the other girl, don’t talk about what he needs to do. Supporting him means leaving him alone and when he does show up, you join him and have some fun together. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Elena,
This is great information. You are doing such a great job processing all the ideas I have shared with you.
He doesn’t sound ready for a relationship. Having lost a 10 year partner is devastating, of course. I am wondering if he ever got any help about that. If he didn’t, many of the feelings just get buried. He will act out in a million different ways to sabotage connection because of all those buried feelings. His emotional system will not allow him to get close anymore until he faces what he is afraid of. Considering how he is treating you, I think it is the best idea for you to start to work on your self esteem and start setting some boundaries to create a friendship that serves you well.
We all have low self esteem! I have a lot of high self esteem, but in certain situations, you would think I have none. It’s really fascinating! Be kind and compassionate with yourself. And you are right…it is about how you present these boundaries. If he picks up his phone while you are talking or sharing about yourself, simply go quiet and wait until he is done. He may ask you to keep talking and think nothing of it, but you can simply just say, “I’ll wait until you are done.” OR…you can just start the conversation by saying, “Let’s put our phones aware for an hour.” Keeping it light and simple will make it all easier to swallow. You are gently requesting his full attention and asking him to be in his higher self when he is with you. It will be interesting to see what he does.
What do you think about that?
Heidi
Hi Elena,
UUUGGGHHH! What a yucky night. I am so sorry! That never feels very good.
There are a few things I want to suggest. Let’s just assume his behavior last night was NOT normal. Let’s say that it was just an evening where he was really distracted. 1 of 2 things needs to happen on your end. 1: You say something. “I notice you are quite distracted and not really here with me. Is there something going on? Anything you want to talk about? or 2: You notice he distracted and split, so you just go with the flow. DO NOT share anything deep or personal when someone is not there with you. If they are not being a good listener, just respect they are in that space for the moment and YOU join THEM where they are at….because they aren’t able to join you. You stayed and allowed the design of that interaction. You were a good friend to HIM, but you weren’t a good friend to yourself. So what can you do next time to take better care of yourself???
In regards to getting back to where you used to be: the most important gift you can give him is to ACCEPT HIM FOR EXACTLY WHO HE IS. Wishing he were different is a road you DO NOT want to travel down. I’m sure that part of him is still in there somewhere, but it’s NOT YOUR JOB to figure out how to pull that out of him. So if you want a relationship with him, be with him for who he is TODAY and not looking for who he used to be. So I’m wondering…does he feel “split” all the time now? When you guys interact, is that what it feels like? Or was it just a one off night?
So he did cheat on his girlfriend. RED FLAG!!! If he is doing that to her, he will have tendencies towards that, even if he were with you. The odds of him cheating are REALLY high, even if he was with you. Besides, I’m wondering if his girlfriend new that he was traveling with you. I know most people would not feel comfortable to have their partner travel (for fun) with someone of the opposite sex and a long history together. Would you feel okay about that??? I’m not really sure what he is doing, but I do know that his behavior is showing that he is not very respectful of relationships. I imagine the deeper the relationship goes, the more he gets scared, whether he realizes it or not. You know him well…what do you think about this idea?
Heidi
Hi Mary!!
I am so sorry about this! I am so glad to hear you have worked on becoming a better partner. I am curious what you have done to change? Did you seek help? Did you read books? How have you changed?
This is a tough one. A lot of times when the love has faded and the passion is gone, a person really moves on. Many people are not interested in “re-igniting” anything because they don’t feel anything to re-ignite. So for now, it’s going to take a lot of patience.
So let’s start with this: What was it like when you first met? Why did you marry him? Why do you think he married you? What kinds of things did he tell you that he loved about you?
How long has the passion been gone from the relationship? Did he end up cheating? Did you guys used to have a lot of passion??
Let’s start with those questions and then we will go from there.
Heidi
Hi Jeanette,
What is your current status with him? He said he wanted to keep being friends, but has he initiated anything? Is he still texting you? Or are you initiating? If not, how long has it been since you guys have talked? Did you guys meet online? If yes, is his profile still active?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
I first would like to address your thinking the YOU did something wrong. In relationships, we ALL do things that cause challenges for our partner and vice versa….AND we do things really well too! It’s just part of being human. A solid relationship means that even in our humanness we are loved, accepted and fought for. Relationships are a DAILY choice….just because there is love, does not mean that BOTH people will stay and fight for the relationship. So him leaving has NOTHING to do with you doing something wrong. Of course you are not perfect however, he is choosing a different path and not wanting to fight for the relationship with you. That is about HIS choice and HIS limitations…not yours. You deserve the freedom to be your 100% human self and be accepted and loved with all of your wonderfulness and all of your limitations. If someone is not able to offer you that kind of love, it is about THEIR limitation….not yours!
You also are dealing with someone who has, at the very least, some borderline tendencies. Have you researched this at all? Have you read books on it? What have you learned about how to be in a relationship with someone who has those tendencies or has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder?? It might help make sense of your world a bit more and equip you with some skills about how to better handle / manage the relationship. Reality is, you are not dealing with someone who has a normal functioning brain. With the way you are talking, it is leading to me to believe that you are having expectations about how he should behave with you as if he didn’t have a mental disorder. Maybe if you read more about what he is dealing with, you will start to have a different perspective and start to see him functioning in a way that matches more with what he is dealing with.
This is going to take some time. There is no guarantee, that with all of your efforts, that he will end up responding. Even when he and that girl break up, there is no guarantee that he will come back to you. There is no such thing as “making” anyone do anything…especially when it comes to love. What I suggest trying tonight is to be happy, DO NOT talk about the relationship AT ALL!!! And just treat him as if he were a regular friend. He is used to you chasing him. If you don’t chase him and just treat him like he was anybody else, I am wondering if that will make him want to pay more attention to you. I don’t know….it would be an interesting thing to find out. You’ve been supportive and connective and completely available for him, anytime he wants. I wonder what he would do if he felt like he was losing you….if he felt like you weren’t chasing him anymore. It’s worth a shot! So again, be friendly and cordial, but THAT”S IT! Nothing more. You want to walk into place confident and as if you the best thing in the entire world. You are worth loving, you are worth fighting for and anyone who wants to be in your life needs to feel the same exact way…otherwise they aren’t allowed into your space. That kind of mindset and inner strength is VERY attractive to men.
What do you think??
Heidi
Hi Judith!
That is some wonderful detail! I started to get teary eyed reading what you wrote. Not necessarily because of your own sadness but because of what you said about your husband and the heartache of you not getting to keep that alive and growing WITH him. It’s so hard. It no doubt can take a very long time. Each person is different with how and when they feel resolved enough to start putting themselves out there again. You will never be able to replace your husband, but I don’t sense you are trying to do that on any level. It sounds like you are just trying to take one day at a time and start to live a little again vs. survive.
The beautiful thing about love is that it is endless. I see love like a tree. There was one branch representing your husband and now that branch is no longer growing. There was an ending. Now your tree can grow another branch, take it’s own shape and size and have a journey with you. It will be a different kind of love. You will always love your husband AND you will love another man as well…and the love can co-exist quite peacefully.
You are right…life can change in an instant. I am very connected to that just as you are. This is what helps me. First, I also stay connected that it can change in any moment, in either direction….a huge upswing or a huge downswing. It’s the downswings, of course, we all have trouble with. BUT there is always an upswing! I work on keeping a FULL story in my mind, instead of just half the story. Instead of letting the fear dictate the story of, “I am scared to death of….anything can happen at any moment…..AND I WILL BE OKAY. I AM RESILIENT.” Usually fear will keep you looping half of the story….”I am scared to death I will lose him” and then it stops there and keeps repeating itself. So whenever the fear comes up…finish the 2nd half of the story! You are INCREDIBLY resilient. You have gone through an INCREDIBLE amount of challenge and look at you now. You met someone, you have an apartment, you are still crying AND you are getting up every single day and fighting for your life. WELL DONE!!! That is the 2nd half of the story you need to keep reminding yourself of. Yes, there are no words to describe the pain and challenge you have gone through and are still going through…AND you are figuring it out.
This leads me to my 2nd point. Yes, anything can happen at any moment and you can TRUST yourself that you have the skills to land back on your feet. Many times we have fear because we don’t “trust” life so to speak. Instead of putting trust in “life” or another person, keep the trust in yourself first. Trust that you are resilient. Trust that you will figure things out. Trust that you will land on your feet again. Trust your warrior maiden spirit. That beautiful spirit of yours is doing an incredible job right now! Every day, appreciate yourself for what you have gone through and how you are standing back up!!!
With that being said, be kind to yourself about this guy. You are doing the very best you know how and that is enough. You are enough just as you are. One of my favorite quotes is: “Self esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” Esther Perel. Be patient with yourself as you navigate some very new territory while still in the middle of some intense challenges.
It’s good you are giving him space. Keeping it light and easy is the way to go. Keep in contact. Maybe send him funny videos you come across and say, “I saw this and made me laugh like crazy! Hope it does the same for you.” Send him jokes, be a little flirty here and there (if you don’t know how, let us know and we can give you some tips) and just let the friendship develop from there. Still let him initiate quite a bit and just keep it simple.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Judith,
I am glad to know that you are slowly piecing your life back together. There is a lot of loss and grief you are dealing with. I imagine it was wonderful to have feelings of love for someone again. Like what Kanya said, if you said anything like that to him, it most likely would have scared him off. Having only been on a few dates and he knew your husband….there are A LOT of different feelings I imagine he would have about the situation. The slower you go the better right now.
One thing I noticed about what you said is about knowing how short life is, so you are willing to have him move in right away. Here is maybe something to consider….your fear of loss is influencing your need to experience EVERYTHING right away. It would be a very normal feeling, however when fear is influencing ANYTHING, it changes the dynamics of the situation. It skews a person’s perspective. I wonder what you would have done if you weren’t afraid. I wonder if you would have taken things a lot slower. Maybe remember back to when you met your husband. Did you jump in right away or did the relationship develop over time??
What would be helpful for us to know at the moment is the current status of what is going on. Are you guys still talking or has he completely disconnected? If you are still talking, is he doing any initiating or are you making all the contact first?
We are so glad you are here and sharing your story with us. Looking forward to hearing more from you!
Heidi
