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Hi Jessica!
I understand your confusion. Anybody would be confused when someone claims all kinds of feelings and then all of a sudden disappears. It’s very hurtful!!!
I am wondering what your ages are?
I am inclined to agree with your friend. The first MAJOR RED FLAG was him claiming to “love” you after a week. That is impossible. Love takes TIME to build. Trust, authenticity, sharing of each other’s stories etc. all contribute to what love really is and there is no way to accomplish all of that in a week. So whenever someone claims something like that so quickly, I immediately am lead to believe they are quite the “sweet talker.” The guy knows how to get a woman connected very quickly to him and has all kind of tricks up his sleeve. If he is doing it with you, the odds of him doing with other ladies is probable. His other tactic is to control. For him to accuse you of “monitoring” him is a way that keeps women in line. I have seen guys do this MANY times where they get the woman hooked and anytime she questions him, he has a big reaction and tells her to back off and even threatens to leave. The woman ends up feeling bad about it and she learns that she needs to not question him or he will have a big reaction and she doesn’t want to lose him. This tactic allows for the guy to set up relationships where he is never questioned and has the woman wrapped around his finger…responding whenever he wants and giving him space whenever he wants.
I would highly suggest to move on. I know you don’t want to have a heartbreak. It’s an awful feeling. I would rather you have the heartbreak now, than to get more and more invested with him and have your heart hurt later. I know he is being VERY responsive again, but he is someone I would definitely recommend to stay very far away from!! He has DRAMA and HEARTACHE written all over him. I would not invite him to come meet you. I would not contact him any further. I would just stay silent. Block his messages and don’t connect with him any further.
I really want to encourage you that when dating online and getting to know someone over technology, it’s CRUCIAL you go VERY VERY SLOW!!! You have no clue who that person is until you meet them in person, see what they are like in their lives and vice versa. The challenge with dating over technology is that both people end up creating a wonderful story about each other, but it’s a fantasy. You are creating this wonderful idea about who you think he is and making it a real story. You have no clue who this guy is and he has no clue who you are IN PERSON and that is so important to have those experiences with someone before diving deep into a relationship.
I am so sorry. I know this is not what you want to hear. You still can obviously make your own choice and choose to re-connect. I wish that getting back together with him could relieve your heartache, but what this guy has already done just indicates that you have a lot more heartache ahead of you. Unfortunately, with being so far apart, there is no way to “prove” he is actually cheating. Even if he weren’t cheating, he still is someone I would recommend to stay away from. He most likely is playing mind games and that is something you definitely don’t want to participate in.
How does all of this make you feel? THoughts?
Heidi
Focusing on Jeremy is a good idea! It’s great that he is opening up to you and sharing with you what he is doing! He needs that positive connection and to have someone actually interested in who he is. You are definitely heading in the right direction. Keep being patient. He will most likely have a lot of guilt about leaving you and even for deciding to go back to this abusive woman. So the more you can show him you are still there, you are not angry with him and that you can be a good friend for him, the more trust he will have. Keep holding a good vision of him. Talk to his higher self.
What I mean by that is…he is going to be feeling a lot of low self esteem right now, so you want to talk as if he is in higher self esteem. For example, when he talks about what he is doing with his kids, you can say something like, “You are such a great dad. They are soooo lucky to have you loving them the way you do, especially since their mom is not there for them. Your love of them is so important for them!” That is referencing the BEST parts of who he is and that is what you want to keep reminding him of. I know when I have been in really low self esteem, it has helped tremendously to have someone holding a vision of me that I couldn’t quite connect to. They reminded me of that vision over and over until I could grab onto it myself as I built myself back up. You can hold that vision for him. What I mean by that is again, the vision of his best self. Remind him of how caring he is. Remind him of his beautiful heart. Remind him of the goodness that he is. Remind him of all the wonderful things you love about him. You don’t want to overdose him all at once, because that can be overwhelming. You just want to remind him little bits here and there so it can get into his hearing. It helps, I promise! Even if he doesn’t respond right away to it, it helps!!!
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Elena!!
Well done! Of course your feelings (ego) would have a response to being rejected. Let me give you a definition of what “healthy” is, in my mind. There are 2 aspects to an emotionally healthy person 1. Less baggage (they don’t get BIG triggers very easily – but they definitely will still get triggered 2. Resiliency – someone who has the skillset, knowledge and enough self esteem to handle it when hurt shows up and get back up on their feet.
So you feeling rejected is completely normal! And then…you worked through it and it didn’t ruin your thoughts about yourself for a long time. You felt better the next day! That’s resilience! When I was younger, it used to take a lot of work and time for me to feel “grounded” and connected to myself after being hurt. I worked a lot to get rid of my baggage and now…I still have reactions to rejection BUT I recover soooo much faster. I find myself, love myself and get right back up…not giving the other person enough power to keep me down. I find my own power and truth and that has more authority than someone else’s perspective. That’s what you are doing!!!! So wonderful!!
As far as telling your friend…I get it. I love your honesty! You are not quite indifferent about him yet. Keep working on killing that dream about him in your life romantically. As long as that still lives within your heart somewhere, it will affect your interactions. Once you become indifferent, THEN you can tell him whatever you want and it will be coming from a clear space! One way I test if I have reached indifference is I will imagine seeing the guy kiss a girl, or telling me he has a girlfriend. If my reaction is “Oh wow! That’s amazing!” I know I’m good. If my reaction has even a little tinge of hurt or jealousy, I still have more work to do on letting go of whatever dream I had about him.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
I’m sad to hear about all that has done in her life. She has to be in a lot of pain to be treating people like this. Abuse has different effects on people. It can cause them to turn around and hurt others as well or it can cause people to hide away and never let anyone close. It sounds like she is really using other people to get her power fix. Her need for power is most likely because she didn’t have any growing up. Someone probably never let her have a choice in what was happening.
You think it’s easy for me to say to forgive her. I have CHOSEN forgiveness for people who have done much worse in this life. I have chosen to forgive people who were very evil and have caused and incredible amount of damage. I was challenged in the same exact ways I am challenging you. Bottom line is, your hate will only hurt you and no one else. Anger and hate that lives in the body long enough has been linked to cancer, Alzheimer’s and many other degenerative diseases like arthritis and spine problems. If you don’t want to forgive her because it is a kind thing to do, then be kind to yourself and let go of the hate. There will be consequences that eventually show up because of it. It is a VERY intense emotion. She is the kind of person she is because she has chosen to hold onto hate and not let go. If you choose to hate her, then you are participating in the same exact energy that she is participating in.
But of course it’s your choice. She makes it easy to hate, there is no doubt about that. There is nothing easy about choosing to forgive someone who has caused so much hard and damage to people, especially towards someone you love. I understand why you don’t want to let go of the hate. I have felt that many times in my life. It’s a hard choice, but talking from experience, forgiving is well worth the relief from your heart than letting hate reside there.
Keep updating us!!!
Heidi
Hi Miranda,
I’m so sorry you are going through this! I’m glad to hear you are getting your life together though. It is important to be able to be independent in today’s world. It’s a good thing to be able to take care of yourself and you are finally taking those steps! Good job!!!
One thing I have found about people who play a lot of video games, is they have a tendency to lose their relationship skills. The games are a GREAT distraction from life. When someone plays a lot of video games, the games are their relationship. They have a tendency to lose their communication skills, their ability to resolve conflict and depending on the kind of games they play, it can really affect their mood. I have also known a lot of romances that have started up through connecting with other players somewhere else. DO you know if he was playing with other people at all (online)? What kind of game was he involved with?
How long have you guys been broken up now? You guys live quite a bit of distance apart currently. How come?
When you ask for help, it can be something as simple as, “Hey….I need your help with something. Can you call me, just for a minute when you get a chance?” Then when he calls, you can say something like “A friend from school wants to get her kid a video game for his birthday. He is 7 and doesn’t want to get him a game where he is killing a lot of people. Do you have any suggestions for someone that age?
You can ask him something about your car…maybe a good mechanic to go to.A compliment you can also say is this, “Listen…I know you told me a ton of times I need to get my life together. I didn’t really listen. I heard you and knew you were right, but I obviously didn’t do much about it until now. If you breaking up with me was what it took for me to get off my ass to do that, then you did the right thing. I just wanted to thank you. I like having a car and I like going back to school. It’s motivated me to think much bigger in my life. I guess I needed a kick in the ass.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
I think it’s very important to talk to him. The thing is, you are making up this ENTIRE story about what is happening off of assumptions. It’s important for you to gather more information and get some clarity about what is happening. Even if it ends up being true, it’s better that you ask him all of these questions and try for clarity. It can help bring peace….OR….it could be something completely different. Who knows! All I know is that this story you have made up about what is happening, is not true until gather more information.
Call him and if he picks up you can just start the conversation like this, “I have seen your Facebook status and posts and I’m confused. From what I am seeing, it appears you are dating someone else. Before I jump to any conclusions, I wanted to ask you straight up for some clarification. Are you willing to talk to me about this?”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
HI Alisha,
I am so sorry this is happening for you! It shocking and frustrating and absolutely heartbreaking!
I first want to address you feeling like a failure. I get it. I don’t blame you for feeling that way, as a lot of people would. The truth is, you did the best you could and even if everything was perfect, it most likely still would have happened. He sounds like the kind of guy who just has a hard time being honest and authentic about what he is really feeling WHEN IT IS HAPPENING! You are not a mind reader, therefore it is HIS responsibility to take care of himself. That means communicating to you what is working and what is not working. That means fighting for himself and the relationship. He basically just kept silent and BAM! He hit you with all that he was feeling…but it was too late. He let himself get to that point. There is nothing you could have done about that. You are not a failure. Yes, the relationship has failed at the moment, but you are not a failure.
With a past like his, he most likely will never trust a woman again. He may get close (for him) but he will never really give hi whole heart away. People who have dealt with cheating and abuse like that, don’t recover unless they purposefully seek healing and forgiveness. I’m guessing he never really took that path. It sounds like fear is still a HUGE part of his life. He keeps a part of himself locked away inside that no one knows about until one day…he decides to share his true thoughts. I’m so sorry he has chosen that path. Being in relationship with someone like that is very misleading. You actually only know parts of them…the parts they are willing to share. You never know the other part that exists because they won’t share that part and there is nothing you can do about that. It’s just how he has chosen to survive his life. It’s sad really because he is living in so much fear and not able to fully and completely enjoy his life…especially with you.
Thoughts about all of this?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
Have you talked to him??? Are you sure he is with another woman??? I can’t tell you how many times social media posts have been mis-interpreted.
I strongly suggest you talk to him and confront him about it. Would that be something you are willing to do??
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
What I meant about being a “dynamic” situation was that there are MANY layers of dysfunction happening here. My heart goes out to you. I am sad that you had to experience an abusive relationship AND I am INCREDIBLY proud of you that you got out and created a different life.
Since you know what it is like, you can help him. He is going through the SAME EXACT thing as you are. He is blaming himself for all the problems, he is feeling SO guilty that he is doing everything he can to fix it, but as you know…there is no end in site to that kind of thinking. Verbal / emotional abuse is actually much more impactful than just physical abuse. You are EXACTLY right that she is triggering his guilt/shame, but again….just like I”m sure you know from personal experience, it’s not about the other person. It’s about YOU. Again, this is about HIM finding the strength to forgive himself for whatever he feels guilty about. It’s about him being in enough pain to finally begin to make different decisions. He is trying to deal with all his INSIDE hurt trying to “fix” his OUTSIDE world and that will never work. That is where YOU being his friend, reminding him of what kindness feels like, reminding him of what love feels like, reminding him that there is a different choice….and not necessarily through your words, but your ACTIONS.
And lastly, I want to really encourage you to take a different mindset about this other woman. I know it’s hard, but it’s possible. Whenever I have had to face or deal with someone who is just a horrible person, I connect to what could have possibly happened to them to make them turn out that way. People usually follow the patterns they experience while growing up and what they are role modeled. This woman, I am guessing, probably had an abusive childhood….to what extent, who knows, but I doubt she has ever really known what a healthy love feels like. She probably has never known what happiness really feels like. She has a dark cloud hanging over her head EVERYWHERE she goes, which is torture enough. She has to be in an incredible amount of pain to be the kind of abusive person she is. You know what that feels like! You were in an abusive relationship. Everyone is different in how they respond to their life and what happens. You would be doing her a GREAT service by not having hateful thoughts of her and by not wanting to rub anything in her face. That will only fuel her fire to continue finding someone else to abuse. In the very beginning of the movie “Les Miserable” (liam neeson and Claire danes) he portrays a thief that was just let out of jail. He is taken to a church. The pastor fed him and gave him a room. In the middle of the night, the thief woke up and packed up all of the pastor’s silver and anything he could find of value and took off. A day or 2 later, the cops found him on the dirt road (this was back in the old days when cars didn’t exist) and brought him back to the church. They said they found all the silver and valuables in his bag and asked if it was the pastor’s. The pastor looked and looked at the thief and said something to the effect of, “No, I gave to him. I wanted to help him.” The thief was completely awe struck, ashamed and embarrassed. BUT…that moment of kindness changed his heart. He left and spent the rest of his life helping people with his money. I get that it’s just a movie, but the concept is an important one. If you want to be like everyone else in her life who most likely hates her and sending her negative energy, you obviously can do that. OR you can be someone who sees the hurt in her life instead of the abuse she causes…and have compassion for her. For whatever reason, she and your guy have some things to work through. Maybe your kindness can change the course of her life…maybe not. But an act of kindness and compassion is MUCH MORE POWERFUL than hate and revenge. Just something to think about.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Danielle,
This is a great question! My philosophy is to really help people connect deeper with themselves and get more clear. An effective therapist / coach will NOT tell their client what to do (unless it’s something life threatening). It’s is CRUCIAL that the client makes their own decisions, otherwise if they give into pressure or the advice of someone else, they are not making a decision from an authentic place, which can have MAJOR repercussions later on. So if I were working with him, I would not focus on either of you. I would want to focus on clearing as much junk FROM HIM. He has so much junk going on in his life that there is no way to be clear about what he wants and why. He most likely is using you and the other girl as a WONDERFUL distraction from some of the core issues he needs to face. That takes time. I would recommend he stay single for a period time. It really would be the best way for him to feel EVERYTHING he needs to feel in order to deal with the baggage that has been triggered. The thing is Danielle, as much as you want him back, he will most likely do something like this again unless he faces the core issues of his choices. That is what his Therapist can help him with. Your guy needs to learn new skills. He needs to learn new ways to deal with his stress that are healthy vs. sabotaging relationship. He needs to learn how to communicate better. He needs to learn how to manage his disorder better. He needs to set up accountability. I don’t have a mental disorder and I have all of these things in place. Life is difficult so it’s important to learn how to face those challenges in a healthy way. This is what I wish everyone on the face of this earth would do. We would all be so much more kind to each other!!!
What do you think about that? I know it may not be what you would wish for….
Hi Julie!
This is great news!!! How are you feeling about it?
My sense is, still give him space. I would still wait and let HIM initiate the pace of connection. Let him be the guide for right now until some trust is built back up and until he can show some consistency and solidarity.
Just for future reference…How would you feel if 2 days after breaking up, your guy said, “I am doing great.” I know that would kind of hurt my feelings and make me think: Maybe I wasn’t that important to them. If they are doing so great without me, then maybe it’s better to stay that way.
Another way to say it would be “I accept your decision about our relationship. It was horribly painful at first and I had a lot of tears, but I really worked myself into the point of honoring and respecting your choice. So for now, I am doing okay. I still love you like crazy, but I am in a place of acceptance.”
Do you feel the difference?
What do you think about all of this? What is the current status? Has he contacted you again? What does he mean he wants a clean slate? Is he asking to come back?
Heidi
Hi Tiara!
Welcome! You ask a really good question!!! One thing I had to realize a lot as I was learning and growing and dating the “wrong” guys…was that those “wrong” guys were actually just was I needed. Many times we need to learn through pain and discomfort. Many times we learn by being around a certain kind of person that will ignite a fire inside of us to fight for more. It’s a strange human condition I think. Why do we need to learn through pain??? I don’t know the answer to that, but I what I do know is that pain is a great motivator!!! So instead of calling someone “right” or “wrong,” (those are judgment words) I call them “more effective or less effective. Even the “wrong” person is still effective for us….maybe not the MOST effective possible, but even if they bring an incredible amount of pain and chaos into our lives, isn’t that still effective for growth?? What do you think?
I’m glad you are able to forgive the woman who stole from you. She needs that from you! Are you still dating?
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I understand you are confused. Anyone would be as he shutting you out of his world, so you are left to wondering what the heck is going on. This is definitely HIS limitation, not yours.
I said awhile back that I am wondering if he is carrying a BIG secret that no one knows about and that is what is really causing such a big reaction and such low self esteem and depression. One thought I had at that time that maybe he cheated. My guess is, if he cheated, it was something that just happened vs. him falling in love with another girl and starting a relationship. Who knows…what I do know is that SOMETHING is really eating away at his spirit and you have no idea what it is….only he does. So I suggest to stop trying to “figure this out” because you can’t. And frankly, it’s not really your job to. It’s his job.
So let’s look at what happened on July 3rd. Everything was great until he got back to the house and went into the room. He obviously got triggered again and began to sink. VERY NORMAL for someone carrying a million pounds on their shoulders. They can have good moments, but they always return to the heaviness of their life until they finally face it. You did the best you could in trying to handle all of it Stephanie. This is an incredibly difficult situation and it is quite normal for you to have some bigger reactions as well. Your whole world has changed! So be kind to yourself. You are doing the very best you can. You are here, talking to us and learning how to better support him and learning some new skills. Well done!!!!
What I suggest for you, as far as moving forward, is to just accept the present moment. No one knows what will happen…even tomorrow. You obviously are not willing to give up yet, so you get to stay and fight…and that’s okay! So that means NO MORE EXPECTATIONS!!! That is what really got you into trouble on July 3rd. You were hoping he would stay the night. Your disappointment would trigger him into feeling all of his low self esteem and how he is letting everyone down. So for now….expect NOTHING from him. You live your life the best way you know how. You have fun with him, you listen when you can, but no more expecting hugs and kisses or for him to stay the night. It’s not going to happen right now. He will offer that when and if he is ready. Until then, keep yourself grounded in the truth that he is completely unavailable for you right now. The guy you knew before is not there anymore. He is who he is RIGHT NOW…which is depressed, emotional and unpredictable. That’s about all you can count on at the moment. So I think it’s a great thing for you to just back off. No more texting, no more I love you’s and just see what happens. Try it for week. Give him a ton of space and let HIM create all the situations and be the leader. Just see what happens.
And you are correct. What you said about the dishes IS NOT the reason you are in this situation today. Again…he has been carrying around a million pounds and what you said that day may have just tipped the scales. That is HIS choice to carry that much weight and it is NOT YOUR FAULT that he chooses to live his life that way. He is paying the price for his choice to do that now. He is so miserable, but apparently not in enough pain that he is willing to do anything about it. It’s unfortunate.
In regards to him asking “what if we end up back here again, having this conversation down the road?” There is something you need to connect to Stephanie. It’s VERY possible you will end up back here again with him. He is someone who doesn’t communicate, therefore, truth be told, you don’t know him very well. You can only know someone as much as what they are willing to share and he doesn’t share is REAL thought and feelings with you. He has a whole internal world / conversation happening that you have no clue about. So he is actually being more realistic about your relationship that you are. You cannot promise forever to anyone. It is not a promise that you or anyone else on the face of this earth can make. People change, life happens and that means promises are broken all of the time. The truth is, he does not handle confrontation or his feelings in a healthy way. Even if you were to get back together, you most likely would end up right back here again….maybe 10 years down the road or 20. THIS IS WHO HE IS! He doesn’t talk, she doesn’t share and he tries to bury all of his hurt feelings until his tank starts overflowing that he can’t contain it anymore. That’s where you are at with him right now and that’s why it is overwhelming. It’s important for you to really see him for who he is. No matter what you say or do, it will not change him and how he chooses to live his life. If you don’t want to end up back here again, then HE needs to be willing to learn a new skillset and get some help so that you guys can handle challenges TOGETHER. You keep taking so much responsibility for why things are the way they are. Of course you contributed, but his choice to bury his feelings for years is HIS choice. Now he needs to face himself and hopefully start to make new choices.
What do you think about what I said about him getting some help with a psychiatrist? What do you think about me mentioning that he probably has suicidal thoughts? What do you think about YOU getting some help??? A therapist or a coach to guide you through this very intense time. I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Heidi
