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Hi Gina,
Thanks for the update!!! You know, I have tried asking the dog before too and didn’t get much of an answer either!!! lol. You make me laugh. I love that you have a sense of humor! That is very healthy!
Your lunch sounds just right!!! You guys just hung out and worked on your friendship which is so important. I’m so glad to hear you didn’t harp on him about not responding. It’s very important to just let things like that go for right now. Think about everything that DID happen! His is being responsive to you again!
DO NOT text him good morning or good night. Back off now and let him make the initiative. He still is confused and that means he is going to hold back some of his heart for right now. The more you contact him and really open the flood gates to your heart, the more he may run the other way because it’s just too much for right now. HE needs to set the pace here. Make him work for you a bit! Your job is to just appreciate him, activate his hero instinct occasionally and then let HIM make the effort to connect with you. Just for now. Besides…it’s important for you to feel him fight for you!
Thoughts?
Heidi
My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry it has turned out this way. I have had that happen to me as well where the guy was so guilt ridden that he wasn’t able to see his other choices that would have made his life a million times better. It hurts and it is entirely frustrating!
Having him walk out, without a word and go back to a woman who was abusive is just so sad. It sounds like he had a really wonderful thing with you. I’m sad for his choice and I am so understanding of your broken heart.
Thank you for giving us a chance here. I wish it would have turned out differently for you. I also wish for you to find someone who can activate your heart and be able to take a really long journey with you that is built on trust.
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
I’m so sorry that you are getting the impression that I want you to fail. That is not at all my intention. I absolutely do not want you to fail. I want you to get to feel that wonderful loving relationship with your guy again! Me asking you the questions that I have was more about me trying to understand how to better guide you and the mindset that you have. Sometimes playing the devil’s advocate can bring about more information. It was not my intention to upset you!
I am not asking you, nor guiding you to forget him. It’s very clear that you have every intention of keeping connected to this guy, no matter what happens.
So it sounds like using guilt with him really gives you everything you need. Like I said previously, there are many, many ways to achieve what you want. If you feel compliments are not working and are pointless, then you can absolutely stick with using guilt and keep him connected that way.
As far as activating his hero instinct, is there anything you can think of that you need help with? Do you ever see each other anymore or is it just all via text / phone? The best way to activate the hero instinct is to get them in person doing something to help you. Is he handy? Can he fix something around your house, your car, hang a picture for you or something to that affect?
Heidi
Peggy! This is such wonderful news! I am really curious what your surgeon will tell you about what he found in there and what exactly he did to fix it!!! That’s amazing that your pain levels are down that drastically! I bet you feel a gazillion times better!
You really did find a wonderful guy! I love that he snapped and then apologized! Well done! You really do sound happy and it really does sound like you found a guy to flow through life with! Yayayaya!
With your new hip, I’m sure the lovemaking will just continue to get better and better! I’m so happy for you!!!
Heidi
Hi Adeline!
These are GREAT questions and you shared a lot more information to help us understand you better.
First, I want to validate you. I know what that feels like to have people no interested in what you are saying. MANY times I have started to share a story and a person will get distracted or ask questions about themselves etc. I immediately notice and like you, my first thought is, it must be boring what I am saying right now OR they are just not in the mood to listen right now. If it is a pattern where the same people do that over and over whenever I am sharing or talking, I then ask myself, are these the kind of “friends” that I want to share my stories with? Absolutely not. It feels yucky to be sharing and not having someone truly interested in what you are saying. So when you ask me if it’s you and your challenge to be comfortable socially, sure….it could be some of that AND it is also the people you choose to have in your life. In every single situation, there are always 2 different experience contributing to what is happening in a conversation, in a relationship, at any given moment. So when I am not being listened to, I look at myself as well as look at the kind of person who is NOT being a very good listener. Sometimes we are telling and sharing ourselves with people who truly don’t have the ability, the capacity or interest to know who we are. That is just the reality. It’s important for us to identify who those people are and STOP sharing ourselves with them. Maybe the best kind of friend they can be is more surface instead of a deeper friend that you would share yourself with. Does this make sense?
Here is a test I put a guys through when we are on a date. It helps me see whether or not they are actually listening and it helps me see if they are a curious kind of person. For me, it is IMPERIATIVE that the guy I date is curious. I am an extremely curious person and work really well with a guy who is also curious. Let’s say we are at dinner. I start sharing a story and then let’s say the server comes up and takes our order, so I of course have to stop telling the story. Then after the server leaves, I DO NOT continue the story. I wait for him to ask me to continue or to ask me questions about what I was saying. MANY, MANY times, the guy will just create a new conversation and not ask me to keep sharing my story. Now this can happen sometimes, even to me, where I forget to ask. So if it happens once, I don’t take it too seriously. I will do the same thing again at another time and see what happens. If it happens again, then I start to get suspicious it might be a pattern. If it happens 3x, then it’s a pattern and this guy is someone who is not really interested, nor curious in knowing who I am. I have also been on dates where the guy was VERY interested and curious and continually asked me questions and was very interested. Sad to say, that is less common in general, but it does exist. It’s sooooo much more fun that way!!!
So it’s not necessarily about you changing who you really are, it’s about finding someone who is delighted by you and is able to be curious about you and knows how to bring out the deepest parts of who you are that is full of depth, curiosity, intelligence, confidence and love. That needs to a be a natural thing, not something that has to be worked at so hard.
As far as you repeating questions, usually when someone does that, they just haven’t found the answer they are looking to create the resolution, so they ask again, they talk about it again and again and again until they find a resolution. Does this feel true for you?
Lastly, here is a book that may really help you! I also am very introverted and this book was just so wonderful to read!! Lots of WONDERFUL information that helped me find much more peace in being who I am vs. wishing I was different
I just want you to know that I completely enjoy talking with you! You ask great questions, you think in a very intelligent way and you have wonderful awareness about yourself. You also have such a lovely heart! It just doesn’t seem like this guy really gets you all that well. It’s not anybody’s fault. It’s just that you both approach life very differently. There are enough common things to have a relationship, but it just doesn’t sound like a fulfilling relationship because there are many differences. It’s not about you changing or him changing. It’s about ACCEPTING that you guys are different and that just may mean that it’s not the best match anymore.
How is all of this making you feel?
Thank you so much for continuing to share with us and being patient. You really are doing a wonderful job at staying connected, asking good questions and really being interested in learning! That is a GREAT recipe for relationship success with the right kind of guy! You really do have a lot to offer!
Heidi
Wow! What a wonderful story! I am so happy to hear your change in perception! When you come from abuse, it’s so easy to see the world through a very different and tainted lens that is not always accurate. You just took a different perspective by learning something new. That’s why learning is so important!!! How else can we grow unless we look at other viewpoints and other truths?
Keep learning and growing and being open to all the possibilities that exist in our viewpoints!!! You are a very resilient woman and a soul that loves to learn which is such a beautiful thing! I’m glad you found someone who appreciates that!!!!
Do you have any other questions or perceptions you want to check out???
HeidiHi Gina!
This is WONDERFUL news!!!! I’m so glad to hear how it all turned out! I am also relieved you did not hit him over the head with the vacuum and shove him in the closet! lol. For just a second, you totally had me! haha!
Okay….just for right now, don’t talk about anything serious. Focus on having some fun and bonding again. Focus on connection, laughter, passion etc. But take it slow. Don’t try to push anything. Always keep in your mind that he is really, really confused right now and struggling. The more you push for something, the more likely he will shut down. So for now, plan things together that will make you laugh and play. Be silly, light and encouraging and supportive. Once you guys are bonding again, THEN you can start to introduce things to work on little bits at a time. I am so glad he is willing. That is the first step. I love john Gottman’s work! He has some WONDERFUL couples weekend workshops, books, seminars etc. He has done an incredible amount of research to discover what elements need to exist in a relationship in order for the couple to be happy. Maybe start with his book, “the man’s guide to women.” YOU read that book and maybe lay keep it out on the counter so your guy can see you reading it. It is a VERY short and VERY POWERFUL and simple book. I loved reading it as it helped me really understand my needs in a different way. I recommend this book to every man for sure! But again, many women have benefited from it. Maybe your guy will ask you what you are reading and you can begin to share with him???
So just for right now, what kinds of things can you do together to bond again?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
What an interesting situation! I can see why you are confused though. A lot of building trust, bonding, caretaking….which is what couples do for each other. You guys are acting like you are together, just not being intimate.
The thing is, nothing is being talked about and that creates confusion. It sounds like it is time to have an honest conversation. I would not give any energy to the 1 night stand. Men, many times, do something like that to blow off steam, to just release energy, to help them NOT get connected to someone else….my guess is, he probably did that thinking you had a date. Regardless, it doesn’t matter. You guys are living in the “gray” area where you are bonding and becoming closer and closer but not talking about any of it.
Are you willing to be honest with him and talk about the elephant in the room?
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
I”m not sure he has the strength to create closure. You are the only one left in his life who cares about him. Why in the world would he give that up? As long as you are willing to participate in this type of design, why would he say goodbye??? He gets to still have you in his life, even if it is limited. I have no doubt he is bonded and loves you, but again, other feelings like guilt and shame are so much bigger than his love for you and his own happiness.
Reality is Evelyn, he of course still loves you. That does not change his choice though. You want more…he cannot give it to you. Who knows if he ever will let this horrible relationship go. That’s why I am asking you what YOU are going to do. You are wanting him to take control of the situation and he just doesn’t have that capability. If you are not willing to take control, then you will just keep heading in the same direction as you are now. You may be able to continue this for a little longer, but there will be a point that you reach where it’s going to get harder and harder for you to give and give without any result. So again…if he says yes…he still loves you, then what? If he says no, he doesn’t love you (which I highly doubt) then what? You move on with your life?
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
I understand why you are confused as my last line of questioning was different. I am glad to hear that he is still connecting with you and asking you about your day and checking in. I’m glad to hear he loves giving you advice. From everything you are sharing here, I did not get that impression that it’s how he is currently treating you. I understand it’s how he used to be with you, but currently, it just sounds like he is so miserable that he doesn’t have much to give to you in return.
The reason I am asking you different questions is because it’s important to still include yourself in the equation. You are working so hard to try and help him. I wish there were a full proof method / technique that worked in every situation, but that simply does not exist anywhere. Our methods have a very high success rate, but ultimately each situation is so different that sometimes, the dynamics just play out in a way that is not what the woman wants. That’s why in this material, there are MANY different techniques to try out and see what works and doesn’t work. In the end though, your guy just may have so much baggage and pain that he is dealing with, that it doesn’t matter what YOU do….he still may continue to choose this woman and kids over you. That is something beyond anyone’s control and is 100% up to him. He most likely has so much guilt and that is MUCH bigger than the love he has for you. I have no doubt he still loves you, but I think the guilt is GIANT and that is driving him to make the choice he is. I’ve seen this dynamic many times. So I cannot tell you how this will turn out. I truly wish I could. What we can do is give you ideas and support you and get you to think differently about a situation and then you go try it all out and see what happens.
There is nothing wrong at all with you asking him if he loves you. Go for it! You can talk about yourself and needs. You have tried so many different techniques and doing such a great job. YOU matter as well! Your feelings matter, your needs matter. Who knows how he will respond. My guess is, being that he has no one left in his life, that you are more important to him than ever. I would approach it more lightly though. Is there a way to ask him in person or over the phone? I think it’s important for you to see his face if possible.
You can say something like, “I feel like I am falling in love with you all over again….you are kind, caring and have the most amazing heart. Do you still have feelings for me though? Do you still have any love left for me at all?”
I am wondering what difference it makes for you. If he says yes, he still loves you….what does that mean for you? That you will keep holding on to hope that he will leave her someday? If he says no, or doesn’t respond, what will you do then?
Heidi
This is a great question!!!
When you are talking about yourself, YOU are the center of attention. Someone is listening to you, watching you, getting to know you. It takes confidence and self love to hold that space for yourself. What does it make you feel like to have someone’s attention fully and completely on you? Is there a difference if it’s female or male? Friend or family or stranger? Or do you have trouble in ALL situations?
Have you recently tested it out since you have shifted? You have so much more strength now and a stronger connection with yourself. I wonder if the eye contact thing has changed at all.
Let’s look at your fear a little bit. What EXACTLY is the fear about? That people will think less of you? Think you are weird? Think you are __________? What kinds of adjectives come to mind when you think about that fear of eye contact? Fear of ________________
Heidi
Hi Leeann,
My heart goes out to you. I have felt stupid so many times in my life with the kind of people I allowed to get closer to me. It’s normal though. No need to feel stupid. I imagine there were some wonderful things about him that made you want to keep trying with him. He has some good qualities, or you would not have been attracted to him in the first place!
And truth is, you are NOT allowing him to treat you that way. You decided to put boundaries up and unfortunately he is not following through on what he is saying. So now you know and now you have a choice from here. Do you want to keep fighting for him or are you going to let this go completely?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I’m sorry it’s taken a bit to get back to you! Sometimes these messages get buried and we occasionally miss them. Thank you for reaching out again!
I’m so sorry for what you are going through! I imagine you are completely confused, hurt and frustrated.
Do you know how long he was supposed to be on his trip? Is there cell phone coverage where he went?
From everything you are saying, it sounds like he is avoiding you. Do you have any idea why? You said you thought you might have been a bit smothering. What does that mean? What were you doing that might have made him feel that way?
Are you familiar with alcoholism at all? Do you have experience with that? Do you know why he was an alcoholic? I’m curious what caused him to start drinking in the first place. It might give us a clue as to what he might be dealing with.
I am also wondering if he is having second thoughts again. He originally disappeared because he needed to focus on sobriety. I am wondering if he is feeling that way again. I wonder what his sponsor is saying to him about you and relationships in general at this time in his life.
It’s a pretty steep thing to say “I will never run out on you again.” That’s something that NO ONE can promise, so I wonder if he is just embarrassed to use the same excuse again.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
You are doing a great job being his friend! Those were great questions.
I just want you to be aware of something. You are choosing to fight for a man who is not able to let things go very well. He left a happy relationship in order to try and work it out with his ex and his kids. During your relationship, he couldn’t stop talking about her. He is obviously very unresolved about this whole situation. I am wondering where YOU get to exist in this relationship. Do you ever get to talk about yourself? Does he ever ask you questions? Does he ever offer you advice? It sounds like what is happening is that you are there for him, but he is not really there for you (emotionally and as a friend). I understand he is helping financially, but that’s just money. It just doesn’t sound like he is really interested in your life, how you are feeling, what you are going through. It sounds like he is just wrapped up in his own life and that when he reaches out to you, it’s only to have someone to talk to about it, but then he goes right back into his pattern.
Here is the thing you really need to think about here. You are establishing a pattern with him that is the same as before. You are there for him, listening to his thoughts about his ex and not allowing yourself to exist. You are circling back around with him into an old pattern that was very unhealthy for you (it would be unhealthy for anyone).
So I want to ask you this….how long are you willing to go on like this with him? Are you willing to do this for another year? another 3 years? Even if he does break up with her and comes back to you, it’s pretty much a given that he will still rant and rave, back and forth, about her. Is this something you feel okay about?
I am wondering what your thoughts are about where this is going and what you are willing to put up with for YOUR life?
I know these are not very fun questions to answer. I am just wanting to invite you to start to think about YOURSELF in this situation and not live your life entirely according to what HE decides.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Gina,
Of course it’s confusing. As long as he is confused, you will be confused. It’s so hard watching someone you love, slowly drift away from you and feeling quite helpless in the process.
I agree with Kanya in that if you want this relationship, you have got to fight for it. The more you shut down and disconnect, the more he will distance himself. If you are not comfortable heading back into the bedroom, what kinds of things can you do to establish communication? Do you have any types of inside jokes that you could activate? do you have any favorite places you have gone together? You can always leave a note in his wallet or his car, or his jacket saying, “I miss you. I miss laughing with you. I miss your kisses when you got home from work etc.” You can let him know what you appreciate him for. You need to re-establish communication, but in a way that is light, connective and easy. He is already having a difficult time, so to try and resolve anything with you at the moment is going to create a ton of stress for him. So for now, what kinds of things can you do that can activate bonding between you guys? What can you say to him? What can you do together? Let him know, in an indirect way, you love him, miss him and you want to re-connect.
Thoughts?
Heidi
