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Hi Kirsty,
Wow….your guy has been through a heck of a lot in his life. I’m not surprised he is shut down. If he blamed himself for his father’s death back then, I’m sure he still does now. And being with an abusive woman for that long absolutely destroys any and all self esteem. So needless to say Kirsty, no matter what you say to him, his low self esteem is so strong and his guilt and his shame is so strong, that he most likely cannot actually absorb what you are telling him. Whatever you say will just deflect away and not really have any influence as to how he feels. When someone has that much low self esteem, it is soooooo strong that they are not able to receive much good energy. It actually can only make them feel worse because it is so far in contrast to how they feel. For example, you know how first thing in the morning, it takes a bit to adjust to the light? Your eyes have been in dark for many hours, so to take in the light is too much because it is such a strong contrast. That’s how he probably feels about you. He feels so horrible about himself that he is not allowing anyone to love him as he cannot stand disappointing anyone else. He cannot stand someone hurting because of his choices. If he just breaks it off now, then he doesn’t have to feel all those things. Does this make sense?
Reality is, there are a TON of unresolved feelings he is carrying around like a 1,000 lbs on his back. I wish it were as easy as you taking some of that weight off, but that’s just not how it works. He has some things to face. He needs to forgive himself. He needs to work on healing his broken heart and start to rebuild himself from the inside. This is not something you can do for him. The most and best thing you can do for him is to be his friend and support him.
I’m not sure this is something you are willing, or even can do. Your feelings may be so strong that for right now, you can’t just be friends. Not sure.
Is he willing to get some help at all? Did he ever see someone to help him deal with the loss of his father?
Just for right now, what he needs most is encouragement and support from you. He needs to feel that you are not going to be mad at him for his choice. The truth is, he is actually making a very wise decision. Someone carrying around that much hurt and low self esteem inside usually are horrible at relationship. They really bring a lot of drama and chaos into the relationship. If he can sort some stuff out somehow, I have no doubt he would have much more strength to allow your love in!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Suellen,
This is definitely a sticky situation. I’m so glad you wrote to us and asking for some ideas. Let’s see if we can figure this one out.
I just have a few questions.
1. Did you both agree to be exclusive?
2. You say you are deeply in love with him. Tell me about that! Why? What about him inspires this deep love from you?
3. So you’ve been dating for 4 months now. How long has it been since he started distancing himself?
4. Have you ever straight up asked him what you are wondering? I imagine you are wondering what he feels about you and that is something you need to know.
5. You mentioned that he may think you are boring. What leads you to that conclusion?
6. What is the current status between you guys? Meaning, what does your relationship look like? He comes over every once in awhile and you are intimate and that’s about it?Hang in there!
Heidi
Hi Gina,
I am sorry to hear this! He still sounds very split. He has energy trying to “rescue” his wife all the while loving you too.
Is there a way for you guys to get away for the weekend or take a short trip somewhere? Maybe you can plan something up in the mountains or somewhere where there is no cell phone coverage. He can completely disconnect from her and you guys can just connect, bond, have some talks about where you guys are going. Is this possible?
Many times people will say yes, they want to work on the relationship, but men especially need VERY CLEAR guidance. Did you discuss with him at all what “working on the relationship” would look like? What kinds of things do you want him to do? If you leave it up to him to figure that out, he won’t have a clue. He obviously is just getting sucked back into what was happening before, so there needs to be a plan of how to keep him out of that pattern. Maybe you guys can go to a weekend relationship workshop. Or maybe you can go through an online course together. John Gottman has AMAZING courses to help couple get past these kinds of sticky moments.
Thoughts?
heidi
It’s funny, I kind of get that feeling too. Hopefully when he comes back, he will be back for good! Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi Emily!
What a great question!!! I myself had to ask that question when I was in my 20’s. For me, there ended up being a deeper, subconscious reason that took me a bit to figure out.
What is your age?
What type of guy are you typically attracted to?
Do you end up staying with the guys you are attracted to for awhile or do things end pretty quickly?
What is the longest you have been in relationship?I’d love to help you figure this one out! Thanks for asking!
Heidi
Hi Denise,
I am so sorry to hear this! I am so glad you are fighting for yourself and fighting for your relationship. I just have a few questions.
How long do you think you guys have been growing apart?
Is the divorce actually happening currently or has he mentioned that is what he wants, but hasn’t taken any action yet?
Are you still living together?
What is your communication currently like? Are you friendly with each other, are you barely talking?What have you done so far, to start to try and shift things between you guys?
What would you say the main issues are? I understand you were dealing with depression and there was a lack of intimacy. Did you guys argue a lot? or would you say you both just slowly grew more distant?It sounds like he remembers who you used to be which is great! He remembers the woman he fell in love with. How are you currently feeling? Are you still dealing with menopause symptoms??
Hang in there Denise. Keep breathing and know that no matter what happens, you will be okay! You will figure this out! You are already doing a very smart thing, reaching out for help!
Have you read the “Relationship Rewrite” portion of this program?
heidi
Hi Khadijah!
Have you ever asked him to meet her? Maybe you guys could all go on an outing together. I think it’s very important that friends know the significant other. It’s a way to build trust, it’s a way to bond, it’s a way to get to know your partner better.
Do you think he would be open to something like that?
I am also still a little confused. They have only hung out 2x? I find that odd that one of his kids would call her mommy. I am wondering how close they really are. If they were touchy feely in the video, then there most likely was sexual energy between them….maybe not currently, but at least back then. So you believe they are really good friends? Do they communicate often?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I am sorry for what is going on. Something definitely has changed. I can tell you from the texts that he is not sending a strong message that he wants to see you or connect. He seems not very interested.
So that could mean that he is dating someone else or that his feelings have fizzled. How long have you been dating? Did you have an agreement at all to be exclusive? Did you meet online? If so, is his profile still active?
Activating his hero instinct did work actually. You got him to respond. The hero instinct is meant to help pull the guy back into connecting with you. The thing is, you gave him nothing further to connect about. The dog idea was GREAT! That was perfect. But the last text you sent him required no response. You want to keep asking questions to get them to keep responding.
But here is the thing. He is making no effort to make plans with you and even in his text where he suggested getting a bite to eat, he just didn’t sound that interested. My personality is to just confront things head on. It has it’s perks sometimes. I personally would rather just know the truth vs. having to wonder.
I would send a text saying, “Hey….I need you help with something. It’s a really quick question. Do you have a minute so I can call?”
Then when you talk on the phone you can just ask him, “Listen…it feels like you have pulled back your energy and it feels like you really are just not that interested in dating anymore. Is this true for you?”
Now many people don’t like to do the phone thing, so you can always text him something like that.
Now….if this is not your style, you can give it a bit more time to see what he does. Send another text. You can send him a funny video and say “saw this and thought of you.” You can maybe send him a picture of a painting or a decorative piece that you think he might like for his house. See if he responds and then continue to try to reach out. If he just replies without carrying on a conversation or inviting you to go somewhere, I would then initiate some type of conversation where you get clarity about his mindset with you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kelly,
Wow…you do have an interesting situation. There are quite a few dynamics happening here.
First, I completely understand why you feel so wonderful with him. When you spend that many years with a narcissist, it puts you in very serious deprivation. Then….to come across a man who actually sees you, cares about you, acknowledges you…that is an absolutely wonderful feeling!!! I’m so glad you got to feel that with him.
Here is the HARDEST thing about relationships and dating. In the beginning, the chemicals are FLYING and everything feels so wonderful and fun and amazing. Then….as time goes on, life happens and we start to see the many sides of a person. The not so pretty sides of someone comes out. This is the MOST IMPORTANT part to pay attention to. Study after study after study has shown that the success in a relationship is dependent upon how the couple treats each other in their worst moments. And by success, I mean a couple that is happy and loves being married to their partner. Now this is where the difficulty comes in. You have spent some wonderful time with this guy. He is treating you amazingly well AND he is turning out to be a good business partner for you. AND….you are now seeing a darker side of him. Listen…we ALL mess up and do and say things that are hurtful and emotional. It is just part of being human and a VERY NORMAL part of relationships sometimes. The problem here is actually HIM, not you. He is not forgiving and that is a quality that will ruin a relationship in seconds! You have apologized, you have done everything you can to repair the situation and he has not once sat down and talked with you about it. He hasn’t reached out to try create resolution, he hasn’t made any efforts to acknowledge your feelings and he hasn’t even allowed the space for HIM to say what he needs to say. THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG!!!! A relationship cannot work if one person is not willing to work through the challenges that show up. I know this guy is so wonderful. He has some amazing qualities AND he also has a quality that would make me run in the other direction in seconds. A person who cannot communicate, who cannot resolve problems, who is not even willing to acknowledge the situation, they just are not good in relationship long term. As long as everything is peachy keen, I’m sure he is great! The moment challenge shows up, you will be facing a wall. Is that really what you want to deal with 10 years from now? Do you REALLY want to deal with a guy who completely shuts you out when things get a bit ruff? You are walking into another relationship where your heart and soul will not be well nourished nor be safe. This is not your fault. You were being human and you just had a difficult moment. That is very normal. If he can’t even handle something that small, then he definitely will not be able to handle anything of substance!!!
About his daughter: You have good reason to have an eyebrow raised about that one. Has he ever talked about his relationship with his daughter vs. his son? Did her mom die or did they get divorced? How old was she when that happened?
There is something not right when he has to constantly check in with her and make her the priority. From what you said, it does seem unhealthy, whatever is going on between them. That is another HUGE RED FLAG! You will always be playing second fiddle to her. Again…are you sure you want to be #2 to his daughter? Every time she comes home from college, you will have to hop into the back seat of his life. Is that okay for you???Heidi
Hi Khadijah!
I’m a bit confused. So you are saying that he is still seeing the other woman that he was intimate with from the video? Is he claiming that they are no longer intimate? Does she know about you? How often do they hang out together?
I always find it quite interesting when someone gets mad when they get caught. Did he every apologize for the hurt he caused? How did everything get resolved?
You are wanting to be the “main one” which leads me to think that you are still sharing him with the other woman and you are wanting him to stop seeing her. Is that correct?
Heidi
Hi Gina,
Thanks for the update!!! You know, I have tried asking the dog before too and didn’t get much of an answer either!!! lol. You make me laugh. I love that you have a sense of humor! That is very healthy!
Your lunch sounds just right!!! You guys just hung out and worked on your friendship which is so important. I’m so glad to hear you didn’t harp on him about not responding. It’s very important to just let things like that go for right now. Think about everything that DID happen! His is being responsive to you again!
DO NOT text him good morning or good night. Back off now and let him make the initiative. He still is confused and that means he is going to hold back some of his heart for right now. The more you contact him and really open the flood gates to your heart, the more he may run the other way because it’s just too much for right now. HE needs to set the pace here. Make him work for you a bit! Your job is to just appreciate him, activate his hero instinct occasionally and then let HIM make the effort to connect with you. Just for now. Besides…it’s important for you to feel him fight for you!
Thoughts?
Heidi
My heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry it has turned out this way. I have had that happen to me as well where the guy was so guilt ridden that he wasn’t able to see his other choices that would have made his life a million times better. It hurts and it is entirely frustrating!
Having him walk out, without a word and go back to a woman who was abusive is just so sad. It sounds like he had a really wonderful thing with you. I’m sad for his choice and I am so understanding of your broken heart.
Thank you for giving us a chance here. I wish it would have turned out differently for you. I also wish for you to find someone who can activate your heart and be able to take a really long journey with you that is built on trust.
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
I’m so sorry that you are getting the impression that I want you to fail. That is not at all my intention. I absolutely do not want you to fail. I want you to get to feel that wonderful loving relationship with your guy again! Me asking you the questions that I have was more about me trying to understand how to better guide you and the mindset that you have. Sometimes playing the devil’s advocate can bring about more information. It was not my intention to upset you!
I am not asking you, nor guiding you to forget him. It’s very clear that you have every intention of keeping connected to this guy, no matter what happens.
So it sounds like using guilt with him really gives you everything you need. Like I said previously, there are many, many ways to achieve what you want. If you feel compliments are not working and are pointless, then you can absolutely stick with using guilt and keep him connected that way.
As far as activating his hero instinct, is there anything you can think of that you need help with? Do you ever see each other anymore or is it just all via text / phone? The best way to activate the hero instinct is to get them in person doing something to help you. Is he handy? Can he fix something around your house, your car, hang a picture for you or something to that affect?
Heidi
Peggy! This is such wonderful news! I am really curious what your surgeon will tell you about what he found in there and what exactly he did to fix it!!! That’s amazing that your pain levels are down that drastically! I bet you feel a gazillion times better!
You really did find a wonderful guy! I love that he snapped and then apologized! Well done! You really do sound happy and it really does sound like you found a guy to flow through life with! Yayayaya!
With your new hip, I’m sure the lovemaking will just continue to get better and better! I’m so happy for you!!!
Heidi
