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Hi Jessica,
I’m sorry it’s taken a bit to get back to you! Sometimes these messages get buried and we occasionally miss them. Thank you for reaching out again!
I’m so sorry for what you are going through! I imagine you are completely confused, hurt and frustrated.
Do you know how long he was supposed to be on his trip? Is there cell phone coverage where he went?
From everything you are saying, it sounds like he is avoiding you. Do you have any idea why? You said you thought you might have been a bit smothering. What does that mean? What were you doing that might have made him feel that way?
Are you familiar with alcoholism at all? Do you have experience with that? Do you know why he was an alcoholic? I’m curious what caused him to start drinking in the first place. It might give us a clue as to what he might be dealing with.
I am also wondering if he is having second thoughts again. He originally disappeared because he needed to focus on sobriety. I am wondering if he is feeling that way again. I wonder what his sponsor is saying to him about you and relationships in general at this time in his life.
It’s a pretty steep thing to say “I will never run out on you again.” That’s something that NO ONE can promise, so I wonder if he is just embarrassed to use the same excuse again.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
You are doing a great job being his friend! Those were great questions.
I just want you to be aware of something. You are choosing to fight for a man who is not able to let things go very well. He left a happy relationship in order to try and work it out with his ex and his kids. During your relationship, he couldn’t stop talking about her. He is obviously very unresolved about this whole situation. I am wondering where YOU get to exist in this relationship. Do you ever get to talk about yourself? Does he ever ask you questions? Does he ever offer you advice? It sounds like what is happening is that you are there for him, but he is not really there for you (emotionally and as a friend). I understand he is helping financially, but that’s just money. It just doesn’t sound like he is really interested in your life, how you are feeling, what you are going through. It sounds like he is just wrapped up in his own life and that when he reaches out to you, it’s only to have someone to talk to about it, but then he goes right back into his pattern.
Here is the thing you really need to think about here. You are establishing a pattern with him that is the same as before. You are there for him, listening to his thoughts about his ex and not allowing yourself to exist. You are circling back around with him into an old pattern that was very unhealthy for you (it would be unhealthy for anyone).
So I want to ask you this….how long are you willing to go on like this with him? Are you willing to do this for another year? another 3 years? Even if he does break up with her and comes back to you, it’s pretty much a given that he will still rant and rave, back and forth, about her. Is this something you feel okay about?
I am wondering what your thoughts are about where this is going and what you are willing to put up with for YOUR life?
I know these are not very fun questions to answer. I am just wanting to invite you to start to think about YOURSELF in this situation and not live your life entirely according to what HE decides.Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Gina,
Of course it’s confusing. As long as he is confused, you will be confused. It’s so hard watching someone you love, slowly drift away from you and feeling quite helpless in the process.
I agree with Kanya in that if you want this relationship, you have got to fight for it. The more you shut down and disconnect, the more he will distance himself. If you are not comfortable heading back into the bedroom, what kinds of things can you do to establish communication? Do you have any types of inside jokes that you could activate? do you have any favorite places you have gone together? You can always leave a note in his wallet or his car, or his jacket saying, “I miss you. I miss laughing with you. I miss your kisses when you got home from work etc.” You can let him know what you appreciate him for. You need to re-establish communication, but in a way that is light, connective and easy. He is already having a difficult time, so to try and resolve anything with you at the moment is going to create a ton of stress for him. So for now, what kinds of things can you do that can activate bonding between you guys? What can you say to him? What can you do together? Let him know, in an indirect way, you love him, miss him and you want to re-connect.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Adeline,
From what you are describing above, I am wondering if YOU find him interesting. He is saying that you are “boring” but it also sounds like he might be boring for you. It’s not really a factor of one person being boring or not, but more about finding someone who is more likeminded with what interests you. You sound absolutely fascinating and so fun to talk with! Obviously he does not view you in the same way because what interests him is not in common of what interests you.
I want to be honest with you here and give you something to think about. Relationships are difficult in and of itself. There are a lot of things to work through as 2 worlds merge together! Whenever I coach people in finding a good match for themselves, on the top of the list, is being likeminded in how you “play” together. It is CRUCIAL that the couple has FUN together. It is CRUCIAL that the couple laughs together, has the same interests and ways they enjoy life together. That’s where memories and bonding and a lot of growing happens….it is an important foundation for a healthy relationship.
It doesn’t seem like you guys have that kind of relationship. It’s no one’s fault. It just seems that your interests are different, which makes a relationship even more difficult than it already is. How do you guys have fun together? How do you laugh together? If he doesn’t have a lot of knowledge outside of his few subjects, what do you guys talk about?
So I want to ask you again…do you believe you can be happy with him in 10 years??? Do you believe that a guy who thinks you are boring and a guy you cannot talk to about the stuff that interests you, will be someone you can get closer and closer to over time? I am wondering where there is common ground between you guys….what do you have in common? How do you bond together? If there is no flirting, how was your sexual life with him?
I want to help you. I am trying to figure out what the best path would be and how to go about it. It’s a tough one if the guy does not find you interesting, there is no passion, there is no flirting, there is no interest.
Maybe it will help me if you explain why you love him. Why do you want to fight for him so badly?
Heidi
Hi Meg!
Thank you for sharing what have learned!!! I love your feedback and am excited for you to put it into practice. We are so glad you have learned something new in order to be a better partner / mother!
I’m curious. Do you remember how you learned the idea that you should “suppress” the hero instinct in men??
Heidi
Hi Evelyn,
Instead of offering him advice about his son, why not just be a good listener for him? Ask him the DETAILS about his concerns, his thoughts about his son, what kind of father he wants to be? How does he feel he is a good father? How does he feel he is a not so good father? Ask him about what his relationship with his own father was like and maybe how that has shaped what kind of father he is?
All these kinds of questions will give him a place to vent, to talk, to be hear. Someone needs to HEAR him. He needs to feel like someone cares about him.
That might be a better approach vs. trying to offer parenting advice.
Thoughts?
Heidi
HI Peggy,
Did you guys make love at his house? You didn’t say and I am wondering what happened!!!
Class 4 laser is incredible for helping tissue to regenerate!!! It’s hard to find someone who has one of those, as they are so expensive, but if you can, it can definitely help!
I would also recommend working with someone who knows how to use certain supplements and nutrition to continue ridding your body of the metal. I know Thorne has a home test kit you can do to test the metals in your body. Maybe you can consider something like that as well?
There is a lot to do for strengthening, but I can’t really tell you over this forum. I need to see people in person. But….if you can find a Chek practictioner, they are trained VERY well for people dealing with the kind of stuff you have going on. Maybe you can find someone in your area?? http://www.chekconnect.com/app/findpractitioner
Sending you a lot of good vibes as you go through this again!
Heidi
Hi Miranda,
I would not focus your attention on the other girl. I would focus on re-establishing communication with him directly. The thing is, you posted that picture with your date’s hands and you went to a sushi place that you and your ex used to frequent. I am guessing you are trying to make him jealous as well?? That can really take a bad turn if you continue down that path.
I agree with Kanya as well. If you want him back, it’s important that you talk with him DIRECTLY instead of sending messages to him through things that you post.
I am wondering what is stopping you from really reaching out to him with a text saying that you are grateful for what he did for you and that you respect him a lot for being so honest with you and that it helped you change and you feel so much better about your life.
Like Kanya said, it’s okay if he doesn’t respond. Give it time. He is, of course, going to date, but it doesn’t mean that the girls he dates are girls he is interested in being with long term. The longer you wait, the more he will know his life without you. You cannot get him back through indirect messages of pictures and posts. You have to deal with him directly.
Have you tried asking him for him or activating his hero instinct yet?
Maybe you could text him “Hey, I need your help about something really quick. I need your honesty and a guy’s perspective, so I thought you would be the perfect person to ask. Would you mind talking for a second. I promise it will be quick.”
Do you feel comfortable texting that?
Heidi
Hi Adeline!
Thanks for writing again! You don’t offend at all!!! I LOVE that you are doing what feels right for you. We are only here as a guide, not to tell you what to do. We offer ideas from our experience that hopefully will help you along your whatever, no matter what you decide. It is so important for you to do what feels right for you, no matter what anyone tells you.
I am so glad to hear that the experts are able to help you feel better!
I’m glad you realized that maybe how you are texting with him could be more interesting! Do you ever flirt with him? How do you imagine your relationship being like? What exactly do you want to create with him? Meaning…do you want to laugh a lot, do you want passion, do you want romance, do you want quiet and peaceful? It’s important for you to get very clear about the kind of relationship you want to create with him. That will help you figure out what kinds of topics you can talk about with him, maybe plan some dates together etc.
I would love to hear about what your ideal relationship would be like!
Heidi
Hi Alma,
I am so so sorry to hear this. Your heart must be broken. I have a handful of questions that can help us guide you better through this.
1. Is he wanting things to work out between you guys? Are you still living together?
2. Have you talked about why he cheated? In what ways was he unhappy?
3. Do you know what caused the “magic” in your relationship to go away?4. How long has the magic been gone?
5. Is your husband willing to stop seeing other women?As far as rekindling, there is quite a process to build trust back up again. He has broken his integrity and your heart and maybe you have done the same for him….I don’t know. I do know that trust needs to be part of the foundation for a healthy sexual relationship. Did you guys used to have a healthy sexual relationship? I am wondering if that fizzled out and that is part of the reason he went elsewhere.
I would also suggest to start reading “The Relationship Rewrite.” It has some wonderful tools and concepts that can really help you learn how to be a better partner for him. Have you looked at it yet?
Let us know more details.
Hi Peggy,
How did it do permanent damage to the muscle? Muscle is able to regenerate really well. I’m only curious because I work a lot with people (as a strength coach) post surgery, so I’m always curious to the different scenarios. I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. It’s so difficult. What exactly are they going to do with this surgery? Is it the last one hopefully?
Has he responded yet about making love????
Heidi
Wow Elena,
What a beautiful night you both had. You are being a great role model for him. He is so lucky to have you in his life. Once again, I just feel complete and utter joy and happiness for you. You really are getting it! You really are living it!
This is an example of knowledge vs. wisdom. Knowledge is what you know in your head, but wisdom is LIVING that knowledge. You have taken what you learned and crossed it over the bridge into wisdom and THAT is when true healing occurs. And now, that wisdom is being shared with your friend and it is deepening his experience of himself now. You are doing for him what I am doing for you here. I can only pass on what I have been through myself and then pay it forward. The more you share, the more it deepens in you as you are experiencing.
I LOVE hearing from you!!!!!
Heidi
Hi Reka,
I am just so sorry! You are facing something extremely difficult and you are waking up to yourself and the REAL you FINALLY and that is a very special gift. I do not agree with cheating, however I have worked with so many people through similar situations and I always find some beautiful heart gifts for everybody.
Here is the thing Reka. You have 2 choices. Keep hiding (eventually the truth will come out and you will have those consequences to deal with) or tell the truth and start to make different decisions. Either path is filled with fear and that’s the toughest part of it all.
If you continue forward, your heart will become more and more split and resentful towards your husband and craving your new guy. The thing is…this guy is not available and probably never will be. He is not initiated divorce no matter how miserable he is. That says something about him. You may be really setting yourself up for major disappointment because you are going to want to grow and he may not join you on that path.
If you decide to create a different situation for yourself, you will be surprised how things who up to help you. I have lived enough life and coached hundreds of people through difficult and very sticky situations. ONce someone decides to no longer let fear control their life and they are going to face it and make different decisions….it’s like the universe just opens up for them and pathways show up that were not there before. I know you feel hopeless on some level. I wonder what would happen if you finally just decided in your heart….I am going to get a divorce and create my own life. I am going to trust that the people and things will show up in my life when I need them. I will trust that my daughter will be okay. I will trust that I will be okay. I am going to fight for my life! I am going to start to love myself more that the fear that is keeping me paralyzed. Then see what starts to happen for you!
What do you think???
Heidi
Peggy!!! You seriously crack me up! I love your attitude, I love your humor, I love your honesty!!! You really are just being yourself and really connecting to the wonderfulness that you are and it’s leaking our of your pores!!!
I sure hope you get to make love to your guy before your hip surgery!!! If not, that’s okay too….it will all happen in time and exactly when it’s supposed to happen. I’m so sorry about your hip! 5 surgeries is a lot!!! What happened???
Heidi
Hi Trina,
I am so so sorry about your childhood. It sounds like your mother never fully loved and accepted you JUST AS YOU ARE and of course that can create a lot of anxiety and depression!!! I am soooo happy to hear you are getting help!
I want to invite you to think about something. Many times, we tend to be attracted to and love someone who is similar to our parents because we are trying to feel better about how our parents mistreated us. We can think, “If I finally can make him happy, then I FINALLY am loveable.” For example, my father was a pretty yucky father. When I started dating and falling in love, I picked guys who treated me EXACTLY like my father. I was used to it and that is all I believed I deserved. As I grew old and realized what I was doing, I started to heal my broken heart caused by my father. Now….the kind of guys I date and the relationships I have are very healthy and I am treated very well! I finally believe that I deserve to be loved and accepted just as I am.
Do you see how the guy you are choosing to love treats you like your mother treats you? He is telling you everything that is wrong with you and he is telling you that YOU are the problem and that YOU need to change. Does that sound familiar? Does that feel familiar?
What I suggest for right now is to really work with your therapist to begin to heal your broken heart caused by your parents. It will help lessen the anxiety and depression.
AS far as your next conversation, I would recommend saying something like this, “I see that you are right about a lot of things that I could improve about myself. You are right that I need to fix some things. So I finally am doing it. I am seeing a therapist and I am very determined to start to feel better about myself and to make my dreams happen. It is going to take some time and I am okay with that.” Basically, you are just letting him know that you hear what he is saying and that you appreciate his honesty. You are going to take ACTION by seeing your therapist so that you can begin to feel better about yourself. Then see what he says! I do not suggest activating his hero instinct. There are dynamics about this situation right now that I am not seeing it be an effective tool to use at the moment. The thing is, he doesn’t need to feel like a hero with you. He needs to feel like he respects you. Have you read about the respect principle in this material??? I think that will help you more than anything!
He still has a lot of growing to do as well. The challenge is, he may continue to blame you for the problems, even as you begin to feel better about yourself and your life. When someone blames another, it’s because they don’t want to look at themselves. So ultimately, I do agree with Kanya when she talked about him not having qualities that can sustain a healthy relationship.
However, this is your path, your life, your design of how you want to feel each day. It doesn’t sound like you are willing quite yet to let him go….maybe you never want to do that and that’s okay! There is always something to learn about through our choices.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
