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Hi Celestine,
I’m so sorry to hear this! So let me see if I understand correctly. Your bf wants to break up. You think it is because of all the arguing?
How long has you been together?
Do you guys argue about the same things all the time?
Do you know why you persistently argue and have so many ups and downs?In order to create resolution and trust with someone, it’s important that you focus on YOU! It’s not about changing HIS mind, it’s about changing YOU so that you become a person he wants to be around. If there is a lot of arguing and ups and downs, then those dynamics need to change. Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Gina!
I am so sorry to hear this! I know your heart is breaking and it’s such a horrible feeling to NOT be fought for and cared about.
First, I want to suggest that have a conversation with him about your choice. It’s very important that you create closure with him both for you and for him.
You can say something like, “Listen…my heart is hurting and it feels like it might be time to move in a different direction. I want to work on things with you, but it just seems like you are so confused right now. I need to be with a man who has NO DOUBT that he wants me in his life, even if we have struggles sometimes…..”
By having this conversation, he may open up a little more and you can get more answers.
As far as dating, would you be open to the idea of waiting a bit? It’s pretty important to allow yourself to heal from the current relationship before going off to date again and this is why: When we have a hurt heart, we end up making decisions from that woundedness instead of being clear. So when you go out and date, your hurt, your frustration, your feelings of rejection are going to influence your decisions and the way you behave with another man. The challenge about that, is many times, you will just get hurt all over again. If you can just spend some time with yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to heal, allow yourself to find a new place to live and create your own space and THEN you can start dating again when you have healed and have more clarity and have your internal strength back. Is that something you would be willing to do? It is the most kind thing you can do for yourself. Going out on dates is only a band-aid for a very deep cut that you have. It won’t fix anything.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Denise!
It’s possible to get back together again. Who knows! Your focus right now is to start to heal and hopefully him seeing this, will establish some respect and help him take some of those walls down.
So what’s the plan? What ACTION are you going to take to start this process?
Heidi
Hi Denise,
I wish for you, that it was a nightmare. It would be so much easier. It is very possible that he still loves you underneath all of that hurt. It is also possible that he has shut down so much and been unhappy long enough that he just went “dead.” Either way, he also has some work to do. Although he is a wise man in understanding that he has to accept the way things are and not try and hope for any change any longer.
If you want him back, it’s going to take a lot of work on your end. You have to find someone to help you. There are a lot of feelings you have that you haven’t worked through. I imagine you probably have just buried a lot of your feelings and never dealt with him. He most likely is doing the same thing. You need professional help to work through all of those feelings. It is uncharted territory for you, so if you really want to change yours and his dynamics, you need a guide. EMDR is a very effective and fast technique. Go to emdr.com and look for a professional in your area. If there are none, then keep looking until you find a good match. I always tell people to interview the therapist before hiring them. Just because they are a therapist, doesn’t mean they will be a good match for you, so I suggest calling them and setting up a 15 to 20 minute IN PERSON interview where you ask them questions like, “How would you approach my situation?” “what experience do you have with couples?” “What type of techniques do you have or use, besides just talking?” You want to find someone who knows how to teach you SKILLS to manage your emotions. Are you willing to find someone?
Until you take some ACTION towards change, your guy will not believe anything will change, so this would be the first place to start. He needs to see that you are DOING something to start to fix the unhealthy dynamics happening. He needs to see that you are taking ACTION to help yourself. Maybe get a book and start working through it. I LOVE JOHN GOTTMAN as a relationship coach. He has tons of weekend workshops, books, online programs. He is my absolute favorite for helping people repair and wake up to what is happening. Start going to his website and start learning about yourself and your guy and then start sharing what you are learning with him when he comes home sometimes. Leave the book out on the counter when he comes over so he can see that you are actually making effort.
For right now, I would suggest to give him some space and no longer talk about getting back together on any level. If anything, bringing him closer can happen more through your acceptance of him vs. your resistance of his decision.
You can say something like, “You know, I really have been thinking a lot about your decision and everything you are saying. I understand why you fell out of love with me. I no longer love myself, so how can I expect you to still love me. I want you to know that I am going to fight for myself. I have slowly been losing myself over the years and it definitely leaked out into our relationship and I no longer am going to participate in that design. I am going to face what I need to, so I can start to actually feel happy again. Even through all of that muck, I know I still love you, but I have to love myself first and foremost, so I am going to focus on that. I accept your choice and I understand your choice more than ever now. I’m terrified, but the loss of you woke me up to how I wasn’t being the kind of partner you truly deserve. Thank you.”
Something to that effect will make him feel validated, will help him see that you are valuing his opinion, it will make him feel like a hero, it will let him see that you are no longer about just “words” you are going to take “action.”
I want to give you another perspective of unconditional love. Most people think of unconditional love about another person and then they forget that they have to unconditionally love themselves as well. If he were to unconditionally love you and stay in an unhappy marriage, that would mean he was not unconditionally loving himself. He would be choosing you over his own happiness and that is not healthy for anyone. Unconditional love means you put yourself first. You unconditionally love yourself enough that you don’t create an environment that is damaging to your heart. He is choosing himself over you, and that is the healthiest thing he could do. He is fighting for himself which is exactly what you need to be doing as well.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kirsty,
Wow….your guy has been through a heck of a lot in his life. I’m not surprised he is shut down. If he blamed himself for his father’s death back then, I’m sure he still does now. And being with an abusive woman for that long absolutely destroys any and all self esteem. So needless to say Kirsty, no matter what you say to him, his low self esteem is so strong and his guilt and his shame is so strong, that he most likely cannot actually absorb what you are telling him. Whatever you say will just deflect away and not really have any influence as to how he feels. When someone has that much low self esteem, it is soooooo strong that they are not able to receive much good energy. It actually can only make them feel worse because it is so far in contrast to how they feel. For example, you know how first thing in the morning, it takes a bit to adjust to the light? Your eyes have been in dark for many hours, so to take in the light is too much because it is such a strong contrast. That’s how he probably feels about you. He feels so horrible about himself that he is not allowing anyone to love him as he cannot stand disappointing anyone else. He cannot stand someone hurting because of his choices. If he just breaks it off now, then he doesn’t have to feel all those things. Does this make sense?
Reality is, there are a TON of unresolved feelings he is carrying around like a 1,000 lbs on his back. I wish it were as easy as you taking some of that weight off, but that’s just not how it works. He has some things to face. He needs to forgive himself. He needs to work on healing his broken heart and start to rebuild himself from the inside. This is not something you can do for him. The most and best thing you can do for him is to be his friend and support him.
I’m not sure this is something you are willing, or even can do. Your feelings may be so strong that for right now, you can’t just be friends. Not sure.
Is he willing to get some help at all? Did he ever see someone to help him deal with the loss of his father?
Just for right now, what he needs most is encouragement and support from you. He needs to feel that you are not going to be mad at him for his choice. The truth is, he is actually making a very wise decision. Someone carrying around that much hurt and low self esteem inside usually are horrible at relationship. They really bring a lot of drama and chaos into the relationship. If he can sort some stuff out somehow, I have no doubt he would have much more strength to allow your love in!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Suellen,
This is definitely a sticky situation. I’m so glad you wrote to us and asking for some ideas. Let’s see if we can figure this one out.
I just have a few questions.
1. Did you both agree to be exclusive?
2. You say you are deeply in love with him. Tell me about that! Why? What about him inspires this deep love from you?
3. So you’ve been dating for 4 months now. How long has it been since he started distancing himself?
4. Have you ever straight up asked him what you are wondering? I imagine you are wondering what he feels about you and that is something you need to know.
5. You mentioned that he may think you are boring. What leads you to that conclusion?
6. What is the current status between you guys? Meaning, what does your relationship look like? He comes over every once in awhile and you are intimate and that’s about it?Hang in there!
Heidi
Hi Gina,
I am sorry to hear this! He still sounds very split. He has energy trying to “rescue” his wife all the while loving you too.
Is there a way for you guys to get away for the weekend or take a short trip somewhere? Maybe you can plan something up in the mountains or somewhere where there is no cell phone coverage. He can completely disconnect from her and you guys can just connect, bond, have some talks about where you guys are going. Is this possible?
Many times people will say yes, they want to work on the relationship, but men especially need VERY CLEAR guidance. Did you discuss with him at all what “working on the relationship” would look like? What kinds of things do you want him to do? If you leave it up to him to figure that out, he won’t have a clue. He obviously is just getting sucked back into what was happening before, so there needs to be a plan of how to keep him out of that pattern. Maybe you guys can go to a weekend relationship workshop. Or maybe you can go through an online course together. John Gottman has AMAZING courses to help couple get past these kinds of sticky moments.
Thoughts?
heidi
It’s funny, I kind of get that feeling too. Hopefully when he comes back, he will be back for good! Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi Emily!
What a great question!!! I myself had to ask that question when I was in my 20’s. For me, there ended up being a deeper, subconscious reason that took me a bit to figure out.
What is your age?
What type of guy are you typically attracted to?
Do you end up staying with the guys you are attracted to for awhile or do things end pretty quickly?
What is the longest you have been in relationship?I’d love to help you figure this one out! Thanks for asking!
Heidi
Hi Denise,
I am so sorry to hear this! I am so glad you are fighting for yourself and fighting for your relationship. I just have a few questions.
How long do you think you guys have been growing apart?
Is the divorce actually happening currently or has he mentioned that is what he wants, but hasn’t taken any action yet?
Are you still living together?
What is your communication currently like? Are you friendly with each other, are you barely talking?What have you done so far, to start to try and shift things between you guys?
What would you say the main issues are? I understand you were dealing with depression and there was a lack of intimacy. Did you guys argue a lot? or would you say you both just slowly grew more distant?It sounds like he remembers who you used to be which is great! He remembers the woman he fell in love with. How are you currently feeling? Are you still dealing with menopause symptoms??
Hang in there Denise. Keep breathing and know that no matter what happens, you will be okay! You will figure this out! You are already doing a very smart thing, reaching out for help!
Have you read the “Relationship Rewrite” portion of this program?
heidi
Hi Khadijah!
Have you ever asked him to meet her? Maybe you guys could all go on an outing together. I think it’s very important that friends know the significant other. It’s a way to build trust, it’s a way to bond, it’s a way to get to know your partner better.
Do you think he would be open to something like that?
I am also still a little confused. They have only hung out 2x? I find that odd that one of his kids would call her mommy. I am wondering how close they really are. If they were touchy feely in the video, then there most likely was sexual energy between them….maybe not currently, but at least back then. So you believe they are really good friends? Do they communicate often?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I am sorry for what is going on. Something definitely has changed. I can tell you from the texts that he is not sending a strong message that he wants to see you or connect. He seems not very interested.
So that could mean that he is dating someone else or that his feelings have fizzled. How long have you been dating? Did you have an agreement at all to be exclusive? Did you meet online? If so, is his profile still active?
Activating his hero instinct did work actually. You got him to respond. The hero instinct is meant to help pull the guy back into connecting with you. The thing is, you gave him nothing further to connect about. The dog idea was GREAT! That was perfect. But the last text you sent him required no response. You want to keep asking questions to get them to keep responding.
But here is the thing. He is making no effort to make plans with you and even in his text where he suggested getting a bite to eat, he just didn’t sound that interested. My personality is to just confront things head on. It has it’s perks sometimes. I personally would rather just know the truth vs. having to wonder.
I would send a text saying, “Hey….I need you help with something. It’s a really quick question. Do you have a minute so I can call?”
Then when you talk on the phone you can just ask him, “Listen…it feels like you have pulled back your energy and it feels like you really are just not that interested in dating anymore. Is this true for you?”
Now many people don’t like to do the phone thing, so you can always text him something like that.
Now….if this is not your style, you can give it a bit more time to see what he does. Send another text. You can send him a funny video and say “saw this and thought of you.” You can maybe send him a picture of a painting or a decorative piece that you think he might like for his house. See if he responds and then continue to try to reach out. If he just replies without carrying on a conversation or inviting you to go somewhere, I would then initiate some type of conversation where you get clarity about his mindset with you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kelly,
Wow…you do have an interesting situation. There are quite a few dynamics happening here.
First, I completely understand why you feel so wonderful with him. When you spend that many years with a narcissist, it puts you in very serious deprivation. Then….to come across a man who actually sees you, cares about you, acknowledges you…that is an absolutely wonderful feeling!!! I’m so glad you got to feel that with him.
Here is the HARDEST thing about relationships and dating. In the beginning, the chemicals are FLYING and everything feels so wonderful and fun and amazing. Then….as time goes on, life happens and we start to see the many sides of a person. The not so pretty sides of someone comes out. This is the MOST IMPORTANT part to pay attention to. Study after study after study has shown that the success in a relationship is dependent upon how the couple treats each other in their worst moments. And by success, I mean a couple that is happy and loves being married to their partner. Now this is where the difficulty comes in. You have spent some wonderful time with this guy. He is treating you amazingly well AND he is turning out to be a good business partner for you. AND….you are now seeing a darker side of him. Listen…we ALL mess up and do and say things that are hurtful and emotional. It is just part of being human and a VERY NORMAL part of relationships sometimes. The problem here is actually HIM, not you. He is not forgiving and that is a quality that will ruin a relationship in seconds! You have apologized, you have done everything you can to repair the situation and he has not once sat down and talked with you about it. He hasn’t reached out to try create resolution, he hasn’t made any efforts to acknowledge your feelings and he hasn’t even allowed the space for HIM to say what he needs to say. THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG!!!! A relationship cannot work if one person is not willing to work through the challenges that show up. I know this guy is so wonderful. He has some amazing qualities AND he also has a quality that would make me run in the other direction in seconds. A person who cannot communicate, who cannot resolve problems, who is not even willing to acknowledge the situation, they just are not good in relationship long term. As long as everything is peachy keen, I’m sure he is great! The moment challenge shows up, you will be facing a wall. Is that really what you want to deal with 10 years from now? Do you REALLY want to deal with a guy who completely shuts you out when things get a bit ruff? You are walking into another relationship where your heart and soul will not be well nourished nor be safe. This is not your fault. You were being human and you just had a difficult moment. That is very normal. If he can’t even handle something that small, then he definitely will not be able to handle anything of substance!!!
About his daughter: You have good reason to have an eyebrow raised about that one. Has he ever talked about his relationship with his daughter vs. his son? Did her mom die or did they get divorced? How old was she when that happened?
There is something not right when he has to constantly check in with her and make her the priority. From what you said, it does seem unhealthy, whatever is going on between them. That is another HUGE RED FLAG! You will always be playing second fiddle to her. Again…are you sure you want to be #2 to his daughter? Every time she comes home from college, you will have to hop into the back seat of his life. Is that okay for you???Heidi
Hi Khadijah!
I’m a bit confused. So you are saying that he is still seeing the other woman that he was intimate with from the video? Is he claiming that they are no longer intimate? Does she know about you? How often do they hang out together?
I always find it quite interesting when someone gets mad when they get caught. Did he every apologize for the hurt he caused? How did everything get resolved?
You are wanting to be the “main one” which leads me to think that you are still sharing him with the other woman and you are wanting him to stop seeing her. Is that correct?
Heidi
