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Hi Christina,
I’m glad everything has smoothed over! I’m really curious how….how did he end up responding? Is there a better understanding of where you both stand?
Do you still need advice on how to inspire him to ask you out and take the initiative?
So glad this program is working for you! It’s very powerful stuff!
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
I’m so glad to hear your hip is feeling so much better. Daily, chronic pain can easily cause a slow death to a person’s spirit. You have way to much life inside of you to have to go through that! I’m truly happy you get to experience your body this way!
What did you do to deserve him? I’d say it is MUCH more than just being yourself. I’m sure you were yourself many times and things didn’t work out. It’s really about finding a person who sees who you are and accepts and loves that and is not afraid of it. So really, it’s your choice to not settle. It’s your persistence to continue having experiences until you found what you were you looking for. It’s the fight you have inside of yourself to NOT settle!!!!
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I think if you keep the lines of communication open, the hero instinct is always a good technique…even for friends! Your goal is to make them feel valuable and uplifted while being in your life. Even with guys that are just friends, I use the hero instinct. They love it! But for right now, since you both are heading in different directions, let some time pass before heading in that direction. You have to re-create a friendship with him. It will take a bit of adjustment to figure each other out in this different design, but then once you guys are friend level again and everything feels more natural, you can start to implement that technique. If you implement that technique too soon, guys will feel like you are just trying to manipulate them and get their attentions back, so they can tend to be defensive. You want to build trust and safety first. He needs to feel like you really are okay just being friends first and foremost.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Of course you want to hurt him back! It’s a pretty normal human reaction. Even if you were to hurt him by saying that, you are actually hurting yourself in the process. It takes a VERY STRONG person to be graceful and kind in the middle of their pain. It is extremely difficult to do, but will yield the best results possible. Your kindness and gracefulness will inspire him to behave more that way. Your forgiveness and respect of his choice will help him feel the depths of himself vs. feeling defensive against you.
I am sending you a ton of goodness for your talk. It might be a good idea to plan to meet a friend and go for a movie after your talk. It will give your brain a break after having that conversation. Something light, silly and fun is always helpful.
I am looking forward to hearing an update!
Heidi
Oh my Peggy! You are quite the writer! Of course he is going to love it! I’m sure no person has ever written a song for him. Its touches MY heart, so I have no doubt it will touch his. I’m sure it may take a bit of time to absorb into the deeper levels, but as time goes on, as you guys continue to build trust and bond, the song will mean even more.
I”m glad to you know you are so solid in your experiences with him, that your parent’s viewpoint doesn’t shift anything for you. Sometimes, the parents can really mess things up!
You sound very peaceful and at home with this guy!
How is your hip feeling?
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
You are very, very kind for understanding all the struggles he would have about having to take care of someone. And because of that, he is inspired to be really responsive with you. Well done!
And so glad he met the parents and everything went well! All of this developing in a such a beautiful way! What did your parents think of him??? He brought a treat…..smart guy!!!
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I responded to your other post, so go check that one out.
I’ll give a simple response to this one, since you have different details here compared to the other one.
From how he is non-responsive with you, he is not appearing to be very interested anymore. He either is trying to keep you hooked for some reason or he is too afraid to break up.
Is there an agreement to be exclusive with each other? If he is on Tinder a lot, he is definitely looking and most likely going on dates. He is active on WhatsApp as well but then telling you that he is sleeping?
Something is off, so what would you like to do? Are you wanting to pursue this more and see if you can get his attentions again? Or are you wanting to find out the truth as to whether or not he is dating other women as well?
Heidi
Hi Brittney!
I am glad you are hear writing to us to get some ideas and perspective.
I just have a few questions….
What are you feeling insecure about?
How long has you been dating?
Has he cheated on you before?
Have you been cheated on in the past in other relationships?
You are still together, yes?What exactly are you interested in changing? Do you want to fight less? Do you want to feel more secure? Are you wanting to get more attention from him?
His being snappy with you about everything means he is starting to be unhappy. Are you sure he is unhappy with you? There is nothing happening at work or with his family or friends that could contribute to his mood?
Heidi
Hi Gina!
Have you ever heard of meetup? Just go to meetup.com. It’s a place where there are groups for everything and anything that you can join. That might be a good place to start instead of dating. You can look up categories of things you are interested in like “hiking” “dog walking” “recovering from a breakup” “salsa dancing”….you name it, there is a group of people doing the activities love or need help with. if you don’t want to do meetup, find and activity that love and most likely there are others meeting up to do the same thing…it’s a great distraction, it’s a great way to have fun and it’s a much more healthy and safe way for you to go through your healing.
I personally would not bring up the dating scenario. It’s not something that needs to be discussed and it can also be damaging. Imagine the message it sends to him that you are going to start dating again right away. He most likely will feel expendable and replaceable and not very valuable in your life and that couldn’t be further from the truth. When someone feels that way, they are not going to want to work on anything, so if you decide to date anyways, keep it quiet and private.
So if he wants to work things again, it’s important for you to get very clear about what that looks like FOR YOU. What EXACTLY do you need to see from him to start to feel like you are working on things? This may help him quite a bit to know exactly what you need vs. playing the guessing game.
A question I might ask is, “what is happening on the nights where you are not affectionate and have your back to me, compared to the nights where you do connect. I never know how you are going to show up each day, so what I am wondering, is what are the differences?”
It might be helpful if you spend time asking him questions and being curious so you can gain more understanding. Your questions also may help him understand himself a little better as well.
Everything you plan to say sounds good! Your goal is to be respectful and honoring your choice, taking responsibility for your side of things and letting him know that your acceptance of the space he is in, means you need to distance yourself.
It will help if you start to say these things out loud. It will help if you say it out loud to your friends, in the car, in the shower….That way, when you say it to him, you are more comfortable.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Khadijah,
It’s confusing for sure. Are you willing to let it go for right now and just keep watching? There doesn’t seem to be enough information at the moment to come to any conclusions. How about you just drop the subject and no longer talk about it and let it go. Then watch. Watch for any other signs of their relationships, watch for any changes in pattern he has and watch for anything other signs that this girl is showing up more frequently than he is claiming.
Is there any other direct way to find out if something is going on between them?
If he is ignoring your request to meet her, they may have hooked up in the past, he may be lying to her about you or vice versa….or he may just not really care for you to meet her. If they have only hung out 2x, it’s not a significant relationship at this point. You have a male best friends, so that means you he is an important person to you. She may not have that same role in his life, so this really may be nothing at all to be concerned about.
THoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It hurts deeply to discover the person you are giving your heart to, is not giving their heart in return.
I just have a few questions.
Have you guys agreed to be exclusive?
Have you ever been cheated on before?
Has he ever cheated in his past relationships?It sounds like he really still has a connection with you. He spent quite a bit of time helping you set up your new home. How do you guys get along when NOT talking about tinder? Is that the only thing you argue about?
Heidi
Hi Celestine,
I’m so sorry to hear this! So let me see if I understand correctly. Your bf wants to break up. You think it is because of all the arguing?
How long has you been together?
Do you guys argue about the same things all the time?
Do you know why you persistently argue and have so many ups and downs?In order to create resolution and trust with someone, it’s important that you focus on YOU! It’s not about changing HIS mind, it’s about changing YOU so that you become a person he wants to be around. If there is a lot of arguing and ups and downs, then those dynamics need to change. Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Gina!
I am so sorry to hear this! I know your heart is breaking and it’s such a horrible feeling to NOT be fought for and cared about.
First, I want to suggest that have a conversation with him about your choice. It’s very important that you create closure with him both for you and for him.
You can say something like, “Listen…my heart is hurting and it feels like it might be time to move in a different direction. I want to work on things with you, but it just seems like you are so confused right now. I need to be with a man who has NO DOUBT that he wants me in his life, even if we have struggles sometimes…..”
By having this conversation, he may open up a little more and you can get more answers.
As far as dating, would you be open to the idea of waiting a bit? It’s pretty important to allow yourself to heal from the current relationship before going off to date again and this is why: When we have a hurt heart, we end up making decisions from that woundedness instead of being clear. So when you go out and date, your hurt, your frustration, your feelings of rejection are going to influence your decisions and the way you behave with another man. The challenge about that, is many times, you will just get hurt all over again. If you can just spend some time with yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to heal, allow yourself to find a new place to live and create your own space and THEN you can start dating again when you have healed and have more clarity and have your internal strength back. Is that something you would be willing to do? It is the most kind thing you can do for yourself. Going out on dates is only a band-aid for a very deep cut that you have. It won’t fix anything.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Denise!
It’s possible to get back together again. Who knows! Your focus right now is to start to heal and hopefully him seeing this, will establish some respect and help him take some of those walls down.
So what’s the plan? What ACTION are you going to take to start this process?
Heidi
Hi Denise,
I wish for you, that it was a nightmare. It would be so much easier. It is very possible that he still loves you underneath all of that hurt. It is also possible that he has shut down so much and been unhappy long enough that he just went “dead.” Either way, he also has some work to do. Although he is a wise man in understanding that he has to accept the way things are and not try and hope for any change any longer.
If you want him back, it’s going to take a lot of work on your end. You have to find someone to help you. There are a lot of feelings you have that you haven’t worked through. I imagine you probably have just buried a lot of your feelings and never dealt with him. He most likely is doing the same thing. You need professional help to work through all of those feelings. It is uncharted territory for you, so if you really want to change yours and his dynamics, you need a guide. EMDR is a very effective and fast technique. Go to emdr.com and look for a professional in your area. If there are none, then keep looking until you find a good match. I always tell people to interview the therapist before hiring them. Just because they are a therapist, doesn’t mean they will be a good match for you, so I suggest calling them and setting up a 15 to 20 minute IN PERSON interview where you ask them questions like, “How would you approach my situation?” “what experience do you have with couples?” “What type of techniques do you have or use, besides just talking?” You want to find someone who knows how to teach you SKILLS to manage your emotions. Are you willing to find someone?
Until you take some ACTION towards change, your guy will not believe anything will change, so this would be the first place to start. He needs to see that you are DOING something to start to fix the unhealthy dynamics happening. He needs to see that you are taking ACTION to help yourself. Maybe get a book and start working through it. I LOVE JOHN GOTTMAN as a relationship coach. He has tons of weekend workshops, books, online programs. He is my absolute favorite for helping people repair and wake up to what is happening. Start going to his website and start learning about yourself and your guy and then start sharing what you are learning with him when he comes home sometimes. Leave the book out on the counter when he comes over so he can see that you are actually making effort.
For right now, I would suggest to give him some space and no longer talk about getting back together on any level. If anything, bringing him closer can happen more through your acceptance of him vs. your resistance of his decision.
You can say something like, “You know, I really have been thinking a lot about your decision and everything you are saying. I understand why you fell out of love with me. I no longer love myself, so how can I expect you to still love me. I want you to know that I am going to fight for myself. I have slowly been losing myself over the years and it definitely leaked out into our relationship and I no longer am going to participate in that design. I am going to face what I need to, so I can start to actually feel happy again. Even through all of that muck, I know I still love you, but I have to love myself first and foremost, so I am going to focus on that. I accept your choice and I understand your choice more than ever now. I’m terrified, but the loss of you woke me up to how I wasn’t being the kind of partner you truly deserve. Thank you.”
Something to that effect will make him feel validated, will help him see that you are valuing his opinion, it will make him feel like a hero, it will let him see that you are no longer about just “words” you are going to take “action.”
I want to give you another perspective of unconditional love. Most people think of unconditional love about another person and then they forget that they have to unconditionally love themselves as well. If he were to unconditionally love you and stay in an unhappy marriage, that would mean he was not unconditionally loving himself. He would be choosing you over his own happiness and that is not healthy for anyone. Unconditional love means you put yourself first. You unconditionally love yourself enough that you don’t create an environment that is damaging to your heart. He is choosing himself over you, and that is the healthiest thing he could do. He is fighting for himself which is exactly what you need to be doing as well.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
