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Hi Gina!
Have you ever heard of meetup? Just go to meetup.com. It’s a place where there are groups for everything and anything that you can join. That might be a good place to start instead of dating. You can look up categories of things you are interested in like “hiking” “dog walking” “recovering from a breakup” “salsa dancing”….you name it, there is a group of people doing the activities love or need help with. if you don’t want to do meetup, find and activity that love and most likely there are others meeting up to do the same thing…it’s a great distraction, it’s a great way to have fun and it’s a much more healthy and safe way for you to go through your healing.
I personally would not bring up the dating scenario. It’s not something that needs to be discussed and it can also be damaging. Imagine the message it sends to him that you are going to start dating again right away. He most likely will feel expendable and replaceable and not very valuable in your life and that couldn’t be further from the truth. When someone feels that way, they are not going to want to work on anything, so if you decide to date anyways, keep it quiet and private.
So if he wants to work things again, it’s important for you to get very clear about what that looks like FOR YOU. What EXACTLY do you need to see from him to start to feel like you are working on things? This may help him quite a bit to know exactly what you need vs. playing the guessing game.
A question I might ask is, “what is happening on the nights where you are not affectionate and have your back to me, compared to the nights where you do connect. I never know how you are going to show up each day, so what I am wondering, is what are the differences?”
It might be helpful if you spend time asking him questions and being curious so you can gain more understanding. Your questions also may help him understand himself a little better as well.
Everything you plan to say sounds good! Your goal is to be respectful and honoring your choice, taking responsibility for your side of things and letting him know that your acceptance of the space he is in, means you need to distance yourself.
It will help if you start to say these things out loud. It will help if you say it out loud to your friends, in the car, in the shower….That way, when you say it to him, you are more comfortable.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Khadijah,
It’s confusing for sure. Are you willing to let it go for right now and just keep watching? There doesn’t seem to be enough information at the moment to come to any conclusions. How about you just drop the subject and no longer talk about it and let it go. Then watch. Watch for any other signs of their relationships, watch for any changes in pattern he has and watch for anything other signs that this girl is showing up more frequently than he is claiming.
Is there any other direct way to find out if something is going on between them?
If he is ignoring your request to meet her, they may have hooked up in the past, he may be lying to her about you or vice versa….or he may just not really care for you to meet her. If they have only hung out 2x, it’s not a significant relationship at this point. You have a male best friends, so that means you he is an important person to you. She may not have that same role in his life, so this really may be nothing at all to be concerned about.
THoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It hurts deeply to discover the person you are giving your heart to, is not giving their heart in return.
I just have a few questions.
Have you guys agreed to be exclusive?
Have you ever been cheated on before?
Has he ever cheated in his past relationships?It sounds like he really still has a connection with you. He spent quite a bit of time helping you set up your new home. How do you guys get along when NOT talking about tinder? Is that the only thing you argue about?
Heidi
Hi Celestine,
I’m so sorry to hear this! So let me see if I understand correctly. Your bf wants to break up. You think it is because of all the arguing?
How long has you been together?
Do you guys argue about the same things all the time?
Do you know why you persistently argue and have so many ups and downs?In order to create resolution and trust with someone, it’s important that you focus on YOU! It’s not about changing HIS mind, it’s about changing YOU so that you become a person he wants to be around. If there is a lot of arguing and ups and downs, then those dynamics need to change. Does that make sense?
Heidi
Hi Gina!
I am so sorry to hear this! I know your heart is breaking and it’s such a horrible feeling to NOT be fought for and cared about.
First, I want to suggest that have a conversation with him about your choice. It’s very important that you create closure with him both for you and for him.
You can say something like, “Listen…my heart is hurting and it feels like it might be time to move in a different direction. I want to work on things with you, but it just seems like you are so confused right now. I need to be with a man who has NO DOUBT that he wants me in his life, even if we have struggles sometimes…..”
By having this conversation, he may open up a little more and you can get more answers.
As far as dating, would you be open to the idea of waiting a bit? It’s pretty important to allow yourself to heal from the current relationship before going off to date again and this is why: When we have a hurt heart, we end up making decisions from that woundedness instead of being clear. So when you go out and date, your hurt, your frustration, your feelings of rejection are going to influence your decisions and the way you behave with another man. The challenge about that, is many times, you will just get hurt all over again. If you can just spend some time with yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to heal, allow yourself to find a new place to live and create your own space and THEN you can start dating again when you have healed and have more clarity and have your internal strength back. Is that something you would be willing to do? It is the most kind thing you can do for yourself. Going out on dates is only a band-aid for a very deep cut that you have. It won’t fix anything.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Denise!
It’s possible to get back together again. Who knows! Your focus right now is to start to heal and hopefully him seeing this, will establish some respect and help him take some of those walls down.
So what’s the plan? What ACTION are you going to take to start this process?
Heidi
Hi Denise,
I wish for you, that it was a nightmare. It would be so much easier. It is very possible that he still loves you underneath all of that hurt. It is also possible that he has shut down so much and been unhappy long enough that he just went “dead.” Either way, he also has some work to do. Although he is a wise man in understanding that he has to accept the way things are and not try and hope for any change any longer.
If you want him back, it’s going to take a lot of work on your end. You have to find someone to help you. There are a lot of feelings you have that you haven’t worked through. I imagine you probably have just buried a lot of your feelings and never dealt with him. He most likely is doing the same thing. You need professional help to work through all of those feelings. It is uncharted territory for you, so if you really want to change yours and his dynamics, you need a guide. EMDR is a very effective and fast technique. Go to emdr.com and look for a professional in your area. If there are none, then keep looking until you find a good match. I always tell people to interview the therapist before hiring them. Just because they are a therapist, doesn’t mean they will be a good match for you, so I suggest calling them and setting up a 15 to 20 minute IN PERSON interview where you ask them questions like, “How would you approach my situation?” “what experience do you have with couples?” “What type of techniques do you have or use, besides just talking?” You want to find someone who knows how to teach you SKILLS to manage your emotions. Are you willing to find someone?
Until you take some ACTION towards change, your guy will not believe anything will change, so this would be the first place to start. He needs to see that you are DOING something to start to fix the unhealthy dynamics happening. He needs to see that you are taking ACTION to help yourself. Maybe get a book and start working through it. I LOVE JOHN GOTTMAN as a relationship coach. He has tons of weekend workshops, books, online programs. He is my absolute favorite for helping people repair and wake up to what is happening. Start going to his website and start learning about yourself and your guy and then start sharing what you are learning with him when he comes home sometimes. Leave the book out on the counter when he comes over so he can see that you are actually making effort.
For right now, I would suggest to give him some space and no longer talk about getting back together on any level. If anything, bringing him closer can happen more through your acceptance of him vs. your resistance of his decision.
You can say something like, “You know, I really have been thinking a lot about your decision and everything you are saying. I understand why you fell out of love with me. I no longer love myself, so how can I expect you to still love me. I want you to know that I am going to fight for myself. I have slowly been losing myself over the years and it definitely leaked out into our relationship and I no longer am going to participate in that design. I am going to face what I need to, so I can start to actually feel happy again. Even through all of that muck, I know I still love you, but I have to love myself first and foremost, so I am going to focus on that. I accept your choice and I understand your choice more than ever now. I’m terrified, but the loss of you woke me up to how I wasn’t being the kind of partner you truly deserve. Thank you.”
Something to that effect will make him feel validated, will help him see that you are valuing his opinion, it will make him feel like a hero, it will let him see that you are no longer about just “words” you are going to take “action.”
I want to give you another perspective of unconditional love. Most people think of unconditional love about another person and then they forget that they have to unconditionally love themselves as well. If he were to unconditionally love you and stay in an unhappy marriage, that would mean he was not unconditionally loving himself. He would be choosing you over his own happiness and that is not healthy for anyone. Unconditional love means you put yourself first. You unconditionally love yourself enough that you don’t create an environment that is damaging to your heart. He is choosing himself over you, and that is the healthiest thing he could do. He is fighting for himself which is exactly what you need to be doing as well.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Kirsty,
Wow….your guy has been through a heck of a lot in his life. I’m not surprised he is shut down. If he blamed himself for his father’s death back then, I’m sure he still does now. And being with an abusive woman for that long absolutely destroys any and all self esteem. So needless to say Kirsty, no matter what you say to him, his low self esteem is so strong and his guilt and his shame is so strong, that he most likely cannot actually absorb what you are telling him. Whatever you say will just deflect away and not really have any influence as to how he feels. When someone has that much low self esteem, it is soooooo strong that they are not able to receive much good energy. It actually can only make them feel worse because it is so far in contrast to how they feel. For example, you know how first thing in the morning, it takes a bit to adjust to the light? Your eyes have been in dark for many hours, so to take in the light is too much because it is such a strong contrast. That’s how he probably feels about you. He feels so horrible about himself that he is not allowing anyone to love him as he cannot stand disappointing anyone else. He cannot stand someone hurting because of his choices. If he just breaks it off now, then he doesn’t have to feel all those things. Does this make sense?
Reality is, there are a TON of unresolved feelings he is carrying around like a 1,000 lbs on his back. I wish it were as easy as you taking some of that weight off, but that’s just not how it works. He has some things to face. He needs to forgive himself. He needs to work on healing his broken heart and start to rebuild himself from the inside. This is not something you can do for him. The most and best thing you can do for him is to be his friend and support him.
I’m not sure this is something you are willing, or even can do. Your feelings may be so strong that for right now, you can’t just be friends. Not sure.
Is he willing to get some help at all? Did he ever see someone to help him deal with the loss of his father?
Just for right now, what he needs most is encouragement and support from you. He needs to feel that you are not going to be mad at him for his choice. The truth is, he is actually making a very wise decision. Someone carrying around that much hurt and low self esteem inside usually are horrible at relationship. They really bring a lot of drama and chaos into the relationship. If he can sort some stuff out somehow, I have no doubt he would have much more strength to allow your love in!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Suellen,
This is definitely a sticky situation. I’m so glad you wrote to us and asking for some ideas. Let’s see if we can figure this one out.
I just have a few questions.
1. Did you both agree to be exclusive?
2. You say you are deeply in love with him. Tell me about that! Why? What about him inspires this deep love from you?
3. So you’ve been dating for 4 months now. How long has it been since he started distancing himself?
4. Have you ever straight up asked him what you are wondering? I imagine you are wondering what he feels about you and that is something you need to know.
5. You mentioned that he may think you are boring. What leads you to that conclusion?
6. What is the current status between you guys? Meaning, what does your relationship look like? He comes over every once in awhile and you are intimate and that’s about it?Hang in there!
Heidi
Hi Gina,
I am sorry to hear this! He still sounds very split. He has energy trying to “rescue” his wife all the while loving you too.
Is there a way for you guys to get away for the weekend or take a short trip somewhere? Maybe you can plan something up in the mountains or somewhere where there is no cell phone coverage. He can completely disconnect from her and you guys can just connect, bond, have some talks about where you guys are going. Is this possible?
Many times people will say yes, they want to work on the relationship, but men especially need VERY CLEAR guidance. Did you discuss with him at all what “working on the relationship” would look like? What kinds of things do you want him to do? If you leave it up to him to figure that out, he won’t have a clue. He obviously is just getting sucked back into what was happening before, so there needs to be a plan of how to keep him out of that pattern. Maybe you guys can go to a weekend relationship workshop. Or maybe you can go through an online course together. John Gottman has AMAZING courses to help couple get past these kinds of sticky moments.
Thoughts?
heidi
It’s funny, I kind of get that feeling too. Hopefully when he comes back, he will be back for good! Keep us updated!
Heidi
Hi Emily!
What a great question!!! I myself had to ask that question when I was in my 20’s. For me, there ended up being a deeper, subconscious reason that took me a bit to figure out.
What is your age?
What type of guy are you typically attracted to?
Do you end up staying with the guys you are attracted to for awhile or do things end pretty quickly?
What is the longest you have been in relationship?I’d love to help you figure this one out! Thanks for asking!
Heidi
Hi Denise,
I am so sorry to hear this! I am so glad you are fighting for yourself and fighting for your relationship. I just have a few questions.
How long do you think you guys have been growing apart?
Is the divorce actually happening currently or has he mentioned that is what he wants, but hasn’t taken any action yet?
Are you still living together?
What is your communication currently like? Are you friendly with each other, are you barely talking?What have you done so far, to start to try and shift things between you guys?
What would you say the main issues are? I understand you were dealing with depression and there was a lack of intimacy. Did you guys argue a lot? or would you say you both just slowly grew more distant?It sounds like he remembers who you used to be which is great! He remembers the woman he fell in love with. How are you currently feeling? Are you still dealing with menopause symptoms??
Hang in there Denise. Keep breathing and know that no matter what happens, you will be okay! You will figure this out! You are already doing a very smart thing, reaching out for help!
Have you read the “Relationship Rewrite” portion of this program?
heidi
Hi Khadijah!
Have you ever asked him to meet her? Maybe you guys could all go on an outing together. I think it’s very important that friends know the significant other. It’s a way to build trust, it’s a way to bond, it’s a way to get to know your partner better.
Do you think he would be open to something like that?
I am also still a little confused. They have only hung out 2x? I find that odd that one of his kids would call her mommy. I am wondering how close they really are. If they were touchy feely in the video, then there most likely was sexual energy between them….maybe not currently, but at least back then. So you believe they are really good friends? Do they communicate often?
Heidi
