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Hi Francis,
Thank you for more information! This was helpful! So the thing is Francis, no one will ever get to know you, unless you use your voice. If you hold everything in, you have a BIG inside world going on, that no one knows about. When you bury thoughts and feelings like that, then the person you are with isn’t able to talk with you, because you are not being honest. It is EXTREMELY frustrating for a guy to ask his lady why she is upset and she says “nothing” or “I’m fine.” It is a VERY common frustration I hear from men all the time. The lady isn’t being honest and essentially, the man takes that answer as being a rejection. The man NEEDS to help. He LOVES to fix. When you are not being honest with a problem or a feeling, and he knows it, he just ends up feeling rejected and powerless.
I am wondering who taught you to keep everything inside? Did your parents role model that for you? Is it part of your culture?
Are you ready to start growing and changing this about yourself, or do you feel okay about it and want to stay the same?
Heidi
Hi!
Thanks for writing in! It sounds like you really love this guy! He is lucky to have a lady who cares so much and will fight for him!
How long have you guys been together?
Does he live with his mom? Or is she close by?
How close are him and his mom? Does she have a lot of power in his life?I don’t know what happened, but it sounds like he is still recovering from whatever happened. It’s a bummer that your fights were about your own parents. Give it some time. It can take a bit of time to heal after some major arguments. Do you feel you created a good resolution with each other? Do you feel you created a good solution so this doesn’t happen again? His love isn’t gone, it’s just buried beneath some of the more intense emotions he is feeling right now. I imagine his mother may also be pressuring him on some level to leave you.
The best thing for you to do right now is to give him some space and don’t pressure. You are going to see each other soon and it’s a great idea to have another talk again. You just be yourself. That is who he fell in love with and if you guys end up getting married, you will have many many moments like these. Being yourself is important. You want to ask him questions, you want to be curious about how he is feeling, you want to be kind and gracious and mostly validating of how he feels. So I would ask questions like, “You have been much less connective this week. I understand you still feel confused about us. Let’s talk about this and see if we can figure this out together. There is a part of you that isn’t sure about me anymore. What are you not sure about? Do you still feel hurt about everything that has happened? How can I be a better partner for you?”
Then when he answers, you validate what he is feeling. Let him talk honestly without having any big reactions. Just talk, seek to understand and create a calm, peaceful time with him so you can work together, as a team, on how to move forward again. In the meantime, be friendly with your texts and just patient until you are able to see him. Maybe between now and then, you could think of something he could help you with? You can activate his hero instinct in a small way. Is there anything you can think of that he could offer you advice or fix or help you with that would be an easy thing for him to do?
Heidi
Hi Ali,
It is a very tough decision for sure!! I wish love were enough though. It’s just not. Love needs to be nurtured and taken care of. Affection for you is very important and it isn’t for him. That is a VERY BIG difference. It’s like one person wanting to have a child and the other one doesn’t. It’s a deal breaker. You need to accept that you are someone who needs affection. You need to accept that he is not someone who wants to give you affection. SO now what? If you wait, what are you waiting for? For him to change? If he is willing to work on, ACTIVELY by DOING something about it and you work together to get on the same page, then absolutely go for it! But if he is not willing to work on it with you, then it really would be honoring for BOTH of you to accept your differences and head in a different direction.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Christine,
Ouch! I am so sorry!!!! He is not a very kind person. When you see someone snap like that, run the other way! If he is being that mean that you have to get away from him, that is verbal abuse. He would rather blame you as to why things aren’t working vs. taking responsibility for himself. Someone like that is carrying around so much bitterness and anger that the smallest things can set them off. That pool of negative emotions gets triggered and it is so overwhelming they just emotionally vomit on those around them.
Forgive him and let him go. Love yourself enough to stay away from someone so toxic. I’m so glad you are seeing this about him sooner than later. He is not safe. Truth be told, it doesn’t matter where the “asshole” came from…those are details you will never know. What matters is that it is there in the first place and that’s all you need to know for you to run the other way!
Heidi
Hi Francis,
Ouch! That really hurts to discover your guy, that you are giving everything to, is cheating. It’s hard to realize that with everything you offer and everything that you do for the relationship, that it isn’t enough.
You ask how to make yourself be enough? That is something that comes from WITHIN YOU. It has nothing to do with him. If you are “too passive” from his perspective, that his him saying he doesn’t really respect you very much, because most likely you don’t respect yourself very much. Have you read about the “Respect Principle” in this program? When you respect yourself, have boundaries, have standards, then the person you are with learns to treat you in a very specific way or there are consequences. If he feels you are so passive, he mostly likely believes he can do whatever he wants and you will end up forgiving him….therefore there aren’t many consequences to his choices. He is going to do what he wants.
Regardless of his viewpoint of you, what kind of person is HE that he won’t talk to you about it. Instead he decides to cheat and figures that you will get over it at some point. He is not a respectful nor honoring person! So he has his own issues!
So the place to start is with you. How do you feel about yourself? Do you agree with him that you are passive most of the time? What are you hoping to do? Forget that he is cheating and hope that if you get better, he won’t cheat anymore?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I am curious. If he gets irritated so easily when you are just being yourself, what makes you want to keep fighting for a guy that doesn’t seem to really see or value who you really are? It sounds like he just doesn’t have much left to offer you. Is there something so special about this guy that you want to be with him, even though it doesn’t sound like he really appreciates who you really are?
Heidi
Hi Jayna,
Welcome! Yikes! That hurts!!! You are very wise in seeing that he has some bad habits and he isn’t ready for you yet. If he is already “cheating” just a few months in, he is definitely not ready for anything serious. Anyone can promise what they want…”I will love you forever, I will never hurt you etc.” but reality is, not a single person on the face of this earth can make a promise like that. Life happens, stress happens and people MANY times, make decisions out of their normal character.
He is obviously showing you who he is early on and I am so glad you found out. My question to you is….what is causing you to second guess yourself and possibly give this guy another chance?
Heidi
Hi Brittney,
First of all, it is NOT YOUR FAULT for the decisions he is making. If he were unhappy or needed a break or needed something different from you, it’s HIS job to make sure he says something. Your actions do not cause anything! Your actions are your actions and you are taking responsibility for that, which is wonderful! Is he blaming you for the choice to interact with another woman???
Building the bridge means helping yourself to become more confident about yourself. Has he ever expressed that he doesn’t like how you look or felt unhappy about that? I am wondering why you think that is an issue. Either way, knowing and believing in your value is so important to creating a healthier relationship.
One of the places I suggest for people to start is with Brene Brown. She has some WONDERFUL information and a lot to teach.
Here is one video: https://youtu.be/8-JXOnFOXQk
Also, you can go to http://www.emdr.com EMDR is a very powerful technique used by therapists for healing work. See if there is a therapist in your area. You can also just google life coach in whatever city you reside in. Look at reviews and see what people think about that person. No matter which direction you head in, try a few sessions with someone and see if you resonate with them. If you don’t, that’s okay! Keep looking!
What is the current status? Are you guys talking right now?
Heidi
Hi Christina!
Just checking in….how is everything going??? Still heading in a direction you really like?
Ha! A backlit headboard???? Wow! Crafty! What color is the light? The def can be very romantic!
Heidi
Hi Pattie,
I am so sorry to hear this! That’s a pretty big emotional rollercoaster he has take you on! That is so hard and confusing and frustrating.
I’m curious, what is your typical pattern for relationships? You say you haven’t chosen well in the past…is there a pattern as far as the kind of person you are attracted to?
I wish love were enough. Unfortunately, love takes a lot of work to sustain, take care of and nurture. This guy is not doing that for you. Here is a guideline to follow. Once is just once…2x is a weak pattern…3x is a strong pattern. This guy has shown you that he has a strong pattern of sabotaging connection. He cheated, he has come back, then ghosted enough times that it lets you know there is something much deeper going on for him….basically when someone keeps sabotaging connection, they are fearful…of what? Who knows and it honestly doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you see him for who is, how he copes in life and then decide from that space….is this behavior acceptable for me? It sounds like you are at your wits end. Even if he does chase you Pattie, he will still end up sabotaging again and ghosting. You are wanting something from him that he is no able to offer you, despite the strong connection you both have with each other.
Reality is, whatever is the source of this behavior, it will not go away. It will only get worse the deeper he connects with someone. If it is ever going to change, it means he needs to dig deep and deal with whatever hurt has happened. Until he does that, he will just keep being the same guy.
So you want to continue with this guy….get your expectations in alignment with who he is. Know that he will be connective and wonderful and then at any given moment he will disappear. You, of course, have the choice to keep giving him chances and letting him explain and apologize. It is your heart and you get to do as you please. If you wish to change your hardships with relationship, then this guy is probably not the best choice for you. Love yourself enough to take care of your heart and protect it from people who don’t know how to value and care for it the way it deserves.
There are men out there that will know how to cherish your heart! That will love being around you, that cannot imagine their life without you, that have the ability to fully invest in love with you. If you want that kind of journey, you have to fight for it…and part of fighting for it, means saying no to the men who cannot offer you that kind of experience.
I know how hard that is, especially when you have love and care for him. If you stay, you will keep getting hurt, if you go, you will hurt as well as you work through letting him go. At least the latter choice has an ending. There will be a point where it won’t hurt anymore.
So it’s really up to you and what you are willing to go through.
Does all of this make sense???
Heidi
Ha! That is a rule I never would have thought of!! hahaha! Good to know!
I’m stoked you had a wonderful night of intimacy. It’s so wonderful to learn and grown and deepen with someone in many different ways! You finally learned your lesson from your previous choice and look at the reward you get!! woooohooooo!Heidi
Hi Ali,
You are starting to regret your decision and that is very understandable. It hurts so badly to let someone go that we love.
I want to bring you back to your need for affection. Reality is, that is not going to change. No matter what YOU DO, it does not change who HE IS. His desire to be affectionate needs to come from his heart and needs to be something that he really desires and is a part of who he is. It could be that this is just the way he was made, or it’s possible that he has some trauma and he has buried a lot negative emotions that really prevent him from being comfortable with affection. Who knows! This is for HIM to figure out.
So if you want to get back together with him, it means that you accept him for exactly who he is. No more bickering about the lack of affection. Or you keep moving forward, knowing that is an important quality for you in a relationship. You can definitely find an experience that offers all of what you need!
Have you ever read or looked up about the 5 Love Languages? I have no doubt this will bring some clarity for you! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
check this out and let me know how you feel afterwards.
Heidi
Hi Kirsty!
Wow! You rock!!! Well done!!! He is incredibly lucky to have you in his life. You are helping him heal in so many different ways that you or even him may never know. You are giving him a SAFE space to be honest with you without you blowing up on him or punishing him in some way. That is sooooo crucial in order to build trust and in order for him to start to feel safe to use his voice and slowly open up.
It may take years for him to open up to the level you want…it may never happen or it could happen overnight. Who knows! Your job is to just be who you are, accept who he is and then you take a journey together and see where it takes you.
Little things you can do is maybe search for videos or articles about people feeling “dead inside” and how to get through it. You can leave them on the table for him to see or send him the link. Just say, “Hey! Just saw this article and thought of you. Hope it helps.” And then leave it at that…don’t ask if he read it or what he thought….just let it be. If he wants to discuss it, he needs to make the effort. Offering compliments here and there is very healthy as well! It definitely will help every single time you say something. He may not absorb the compliment very well, but he will at least hear it and that in and of itself is putting a drop in the bucket. Do you guys ever go to movies? Movies or tv series are also a great way to help build low self esteem. Watching characters that lose everything and are broken, then figure out how to regain their strength….it’s like watching someone do what you need to be doing yourself. Watching someone fight for their life, watching someone face their fears, watching someone become more vulnerable and seeing that in the end, they are okay….it helps the movie goer absorb and identify with that.
What do you think so far?
Heidi
