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Hi Ali,
You are starting to regret your decision and that is very understandable. It hurts so badly to let someone go that we love.
I want to bring you back to your need for affection. Reality is, that is not going to change. No matter what YOU DO, it does not change who HE IS. His desire to be affectionate needs to come from his heart and needs to be something that he really desires and is a part of who he is. It could be that this is just the way he was made, or it’s possible that he has some trauma and he has buried a lot negative emotions that really prevent him from being comfortable with affection. Who knows! This is for HIM to figure out.
So if you want to get back together with him, it means that you accept him for exactly who he is. No more bickering about the lack of affection. Or you keep moving forward, knowing that is an important quality for you in a relationship. You can definitely find an experience that offers all of what you need!
Have you ever read or looked up about the 5 Love Languages? I have no doubt this will bring some clarity for you! http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
check this out and let me know how you feel afterwards.
Heidi
Hi Kirsty!
Wow! You rock!!! Well done!!! He is incredibly lucky to have you in his life. You are helping him heal in so many different ways that you or even him may never know. You are giving him a SAFE space to be honest with you without you blowing up on him or punishing him in some way. That is sooooo crucial in order to build trust and in order for him to start to feel safe to use his voice and slowly open up.
It may take years for him to open up to the level you want…it may never happen or it could happen overnight. Who knows! Your job is to just be who you are, accept who he is and then you take a journey together and see where it takes you.
Little things you can do is maybe search for videos or articles about people feeling “dead inside” and how to get through it. You can leave them on the table for him to see or send him the link. Just say, “Hey! Just saw this article and thought of you. Hope it helps.” And then leave it at that…don’t ask if he read it or what he thought….just let it be. If he wants to discuss it, he needs to make the effort. Offering compliments here and there is very healthy as well! It definitely will help every single time you say something. He may not absorb the compliment very well, but he will at least hear it and that in and of itself is putting a drop in the bucket. Do you guys ever go to movies? Movies or tv series are also a great way to help build low self esteem. Watching characters that lose everything and are broken, then figure out how to regain their strength….it’s like watching someone do what you need to be doing yourself. Watching someone fight for their life, watching someone face their fears, watching someone become more vulnerable and seeing that in the end, they are okay….it helps the movie goer absorb and identify with that.
What do you think so far?
Heidi
Keep us updated Emily!!! We love that you came here and shared your story and always love hearing how people work through their challenges.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Andrea,
I completely get it. When love enters into the picture, a man that fights for us, a man that communicates well and is not afraid of commitment…it just sends us into cloud 9 right??? Of course your heart is breaking. You have not felt something like this in 6 years, it finally shows up and you are having the time of your life and now it’s being ripped away. It’s quite a powerless feeling. He is far away, who knows who is saying what to him….all you know is that he is shifting and changing and you have no clue why.
So I’m curious what his reason was for breaking up? It doesn’t sound much like a breakup if he is talking to you every day, so I’m not sure what is going on there….especially on your end. Were you hoping he would change his mind?
This is why it takes time for relationship to build….you see such wonderful sides of a person in the beginning and then as the challenges of life start to show up, you then start to learn the not so pretty sides of someone. Whenever you are choosing who you want to let inside the VERY SACRED parts of your heart, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to look for is, how do they treat you in their worst? How do they treat others? How do you both interact together when it gets difficult. This is the FOUNDATION of a relationship. So right now, you are seeing how he responds to stress. You don’t know exactly what that stress is, because he is not telling you. He is not being communicative, he is not being honest and something is happening for his energy to shift. Instead of involving you in that process, he is dealing with it all on his own and then cutting off from you. THAT is the red flag that matters most here.
The first step here, is for you to get very clear about what you need. It’s important that you are honest with him and have a conversation. It’s not needy for you to get curious about what is happening and creating clarity. Remember that HE is the one who is pulling away and not talking with you, therefore it is VERY NATURAL and NORMAL to wonder what is happening…it’s not being needy.
You can say something like this: “I feel like it’s time for you and I to get very clear about what we are doing here. You have been very connective and loving and amazing. Then one day you break up, but we still end up connecting every single day. Now, it feels like you have pulled away even more. I really am curious about what is happening for you over there. Is there something I am doing that is difficult for you to deal with? Are you afraid, now that you told me that you loved me? This is the 2nd time you have pulled back, so I think it’s time that we are really honest with each other and create some clarity. It just feels like we are on different pages, so what about getting on the same page? Are you up for talking about it?”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Brittany,
Okay….this makes a lot more sense now. Of course you are feeling insecure with everything you have been through yourself as well as with him. It’s a lot and it’s all very intense.
Are there reasons you are accusing him of cheating on you? Have you found evidence? What leads you to this thought about him?
Every time you accuse him, it breaks trust. You are communicating to him, “I don’t trust you. I don’t feel safe with you.” People have different responses to this. They look elsewhere, they put walls up, they get defensive….either way…it causes them to not feel safe with you also. So this would probably be the first place to start if you want to make some changes. Stop accusing him. Unless you have some hard, clear evidence, let it go and stop accusing him.
Is there someone you can talk to for help? You have so many intense emotions, it can be extremely helpful to talk with a coach or a therapist to help you clear that out. If you don’t, then you will just live with all of that inside and it will just continue to build and build and build. It’s not a happy way to live and it will never allow you to feel happy or safe in a relationship. You have to love and accept yourself, your choices and work through all the trauma you have been through. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
There are a lot of unanswered questions here that really only he can answer. All we can do is make an educated “guess” as to what is happening. The bottom line here is, from the beginning, I have been very suspicious about his approach towards you. I am still suspicious. You are using a lot of wonderful techniques with him and it sounds like he is responding for the most part, but there is not a lot of consistency in his actions. This is why going slow is important. It is so important to get to know someone before saying “I love you” or calling them your boyfriend/girlfriend. It takes time to see if their words and actions match each other. And so far, that is not happening for you and it’s causing you to feel very uncertain. This uncertainty is then causing you to really put pressure on him because you want to meet him. Even if you were to meet him Jessica, it still will take a lot of time to get to know him.
So truth be told, he absolutely could be playing games, he also could not. I would stop ignoring him and keep in communication with him and get to know him more. There is so much to know about each other!!!! Don’t talk about the relationship anymore, or him proving anything to you and put the visa topic on hold. If you start to connect more, talk more and just have some fun getting to know new things about each other, then I think you will start to see his truer self come out over time. Does he like talking to you? Does he ask you questions about yourself and does he seem curious to want to know you? Is there more than just “I love you” and flirty romantic interaction? Is there a good friendship that starts to develop? This is the foundation of any relationship that is going to last, so why not focus on that aspect right now? You will gather A LOT of information.
I would suggest to no longer send any more money. Do no do anything to help him. It’s the only way to find out how serious he is about you. Once you take out the “I love yous” and the flirting and see if there is a genuine interest, you will have more truth. If he doesn’t ask you questions about yourself, if he stops talking about visiting you, if he drops the subject of the visa for awhile, then you will have your answer.
The more you pressure, the more he will feel your desperation to see him and that is something that a con artist will use to their advantage. They want you to feel desperate….the more you pressure him, the more you challenge him to prove to you his words, the more he knows he has you hooked. So again, back off the subject and just wait and see.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone has a very different level of tolerance. You will know what is right for you. Maybe in your mind, you can set a 1 month or 2 month limit. At the end of that time, if he hasn’t talked about visiting you, or given you updates about his visa, then most likely he is not as interested as he is claiming.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Christina,
I’m glad everything has smoothed over! I’m really curious how….how did he end up responding? Is there a better understanding of where you both stand?
Do you still need advice on how to inspire him to ask you out and take the initiative?
So glad this program is working for you! It’s very powerful stuff!
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
I’m so glad to hear your hip is feeling so much better. Daily, chronic pain can easily cause a slow death to a person’s spirit. You have way to much life inside of you to have to go through that! I’m truly happy you get to experience your body this way!
What did you do to deserve him? I’d say it is MUCH more than just being yourself. I’m sure you were yourself many times and things didn’t work out. It’s really about finding a person who sees who you are and accepts and loves that and is not afraid of it. So really, it’s your choice to not settle. It’s your persistence to continue having experiences until you found what you were you looking for. It’s the fight you have inside of yourself to NOT settle!!!!
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I think if you keep the lines of communication open, the hero instinct is always a good technique…even for friends! Your goal is to make them feel valuable and uplifted while being in your life. Even with guys that are just friends, I use the hero instinct. They love it! But for right now, since you both are heading in different directions, let some time pass before heading in that direction. You have to re-create a friendship with him. It will take a bit of adjustment to figure each other out in this different design, but then once you guys are friend level again and everything feels more natural, you can start to implement that technique. If you implement that technique too soon, guys will feel like you are just trying to manipulate them and get their attentions back, so they can tend to be defensive. You want to build trust and safety first. He needs to feel like you really are okay just being friends first and foremost.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Of course you want to hurt him back! It’s a pretty normal human reaction. Even if you were to hurt him by saying that, you are actually hurting yourself in the process. It takes a VERY STRONG person to be graceful and kind in the middle of their pain. It is extremely difficult to do, but will yield the best results possible. Your kindness and gracefulness will inspire him to behave more that way. Your forgiveness and respect of his choice will help him feel the depths of himself vs. feeling defensive against you.
I am sending you a ton of goodness for your talk. It might be a good idea to plan to meet a friend and go for a movie after your talk. It will give your brain a break after having that conversation. Something light, silly and fun is always helpful.
I am looking forward to hearing an update!
Heidi
Oh my Peggy! You are quite the writer! Of course he is going to love it! I’m sure no person has ever written a song for him. Its touches MY heart, so I have no doubt it will touch his. I’m sure it may take a bit of time to absorb into the deeper levels, but as time goes on, as you guys continue to build trust and bond, the song will mean even more.
I”m glad to you know you are so solid in your experiences with him, that your parent’s viewpoint doesn’t shift anything for you. Sometimes, the parents can really mess things up!
You sound very peaceful and at home with this guy!
How is your hip feeling?
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
You are very, very kind for understanding all the struggles he would have about having to take care of someone. And because of that, he is inspired to be really responsive with you. Well done!
And so glad he met the parents and everything went well! All of this developing in a such a beautiful way! What did your parents think of him??? He brought a treat…..smart guy!!!
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I responded to your other post, so go check that one out.
I’ll give a simple response to this one, since you have different details here compared to the other one.
From how he is non-responsive with you, he is not appearing to be very interested anymore. He either is trying to keep you hooked for some reason or he is too afraid to break up.
Is there an agreement to be exclusive with each other? If he is on Tinder a lot, he is definitely looking and most likely going on dates. He is active on WhatsApp as well but then telling you that he is sleeping?
Something is off, so what would you like to do? Are you wanting to pursue this more and see if you can get his attentions again? Or are you wanting to find out the truth as to whether or not he is dating other women as well?
Heidi
Hi Brittney!
I am glad you are hear writing to us to get some ideas and perspective.
I just have a few questions….
What are you feeling insecure about?
How long has you been dating?
Has he cheated on you before?
Have you been cheated on in the past in other relationships?
You are still together, yes?What exactly are you interested in changing? Do you want to fight less? Do you want to feel more secure? Are you wanting to get more attention from him?
His being snappy with you about everything means he is starting to be unhappy. Are you sure he is unhappy with you? There is nothing happening at work or with his family or friends that could contribute to his mood?
Heidi
