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I’m not blind to them, but I guess I’m willing to work with them because I understand them. I love that you understand them! The thing is, there is nothing to work with here because he is not doing the work. He is frozen by his fear and there is nothing you can do about that. If he were to get things moving and finally face what he is so afraid of, then great! But until then, it’s your job to accept him 100% where he is at and not wait for him to be different.
Yes he has fears and unhealthy coping mechanisms, but they do not define him, just like mine don’t define me. Underneath the fear is one of the most kind hearted people I have ever met. As much as these coping mechanisms don’t define the whole of who we are, it doesn’t change that our coping mechanisms sabotage connection. Yes, he is a wonderful person and has a TON of great qualities for sure AND…he also has a lot of fear, is emotionally fragile and unavailable and it’s running his life. So…his fear is bigger than his greatness and will always win out until he actually gets some help facing it.
I’m just wondering if it’s stupid of me to have hope in and wait for that to happen. Like if he did get help and emotionally healthy, does he care for me enough try a relationship? Who knows. Therapy and deep diving into our limitations is scary, difficult and takes us down paths that we never thought we would be on. This is a question that no one can answer, not even him. If he actually does the work, he will change, but what he changes into, who knows. That is why waiting for him is not the healthiest choice for you.
Currently there are no other men in my life that are as good as him. So, I’m waiting regardless, why can’t it be for him? Is that crazy? Look at it this way. You want to fall in love and have a healthy, nourishing, vibrant connection, right? First, I want to say that he is the FIRST guy who has ever made you feel respected and cared for. I’m here to tell you that in all of my years of dating, I have felt that way MANY MANY times, because I REQUIRE that. You don’t actually KNOW that you really like this guy BECAUSE of how he treats you and makes you feel, or because you actually really like him because of who HE is. For example, let’s say MANY of the guys you dated over the years, always treated you with respect, care and were authentic about their feelings for you. Then this guy comes along and treats you the same way…with respect and with care. He wouldn’t stand out so much because you are used to be treated that way. Would you feel the same way about him as you do now? There is no way to know the answer to that, but what I will tell you is there is a very subtle trap people fall into….I call it “The First Trap.” It when someone experiences connection for “the first time” in a way they have never had it before and love soon follows, because the mind and heart opens up, because this story gets created: “It’s the first time someone has actually seen me, talked to me that way, treated me with such kindness etc.” Honestly, that is so sad. All that means is that there are a lot of really messed up people out there that it takes getting all the way to adulthood before they actually get to feel what it’s like to be truly cared about and respected. My point being is this…if I were to tell you that there are many more guys down the road that have the ability to treat you with kindness and respect and care. You may have to go through 100 more “frogs” to experience it, but this guy is NOT the only one who can care about you that way. What IS possible for you, is a guy who can love you even more than this guy. The truth is, this guy is not free to love you. And you want to wait until he is??? How long is that going to take??? Even if he started therapy tomorrow, with his level of fear, it’s going to take a looooong time for him to work through it and become available for love.
Even though you are still living your life and meeting other guys, you are holding back a part of your heart all for potential. That makes you very emotionally unavailable and fully open to having a new experience. If that’s what you want to do, you absolutely get to do that! But if you want to open your heart to possibility of finding another guy who is super high quality AND has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you…you need to work towards letting the idea of this guy go. Because that’s all this is…an idea. It’s not real. It’s just potential. Is that what you want to live your life for?
Heidi
Hi Anurandha!
Welcome! We love that you are here, seeking deeper understanding and guidance about your relationship. I am so sorry for what you are having to go through. It’s incredibly difficult to watch the man you love, slip through your fingers and there is nothing you can do about it.
I want to start with this statement: I can never love anyone else. I know you feel that this guy is your one and only. I want to encourage you to create a different story than that. Love is infinite and limitless. You CAN love someone else. I know you don’t want to and that is your choice however, I would hate to see you hold onto this guy and the idea that you can never love anyone else and miss other opportunities. Love with each person is so different and unique, yet they are all powerful and impactful. People who have lost the love of their life to death, have found love again. I have deeply love a handful of times in my life and yet those ended…and I found love again. Love is like a tree….you are the trunk and your relationships are the branches. Right now, the branch that represents this guy is alive, but with him pulling away, the fruits and leaves that lived on this branch are dying, because it isn’t being sourced anymore. This branch will eventually die BUT….a new branch is fully capable of growing if you are open to loving again. This new branch will look and feel different, but it can still be a beautiful, vibrant love. The current guy’s branch will always be there as a part of you of course and that is where it is supposed to stay. I know you don’t want to hear this and I know this is not your question, but I just want to bring some truth into your thought process that isn’t actually true….you CAN love again. If you don’t and you want to stay focused on this guy until your dying breath…it’s your CHOICE to do that.
I wish there was something I could tell you to fix this so you could get what you wanted. The thing is, when someone is so programmed to abide by social constructs, religious beliefs, family systems etc. and they are NOT willing to compromise, question or challenge the programs…there really is nothing you can do. You want more from him. You want to build a life with him. He is not willing to do that. It was good for a while, but the design you both were operating under, was going to break eventually. It wasn’t built on truth, honesty and integrity. There was a ton of secrecy and lying involved. You eventually were honest, but he had to be willing to do the same thing if it was ever going to work. What you are fighting against is his fear. His fear is SOOOOO big, that he is choosing to stay “safe” within his system of family and social construct OVER loving you. I have seen this happen over and over and over again. Fear is so incredibly powerful. When it is as big as your guy’s fear, there is nothing you can say or do to shift it. It is the kind of fear that HE needs to face within himself, if he is ever going to be with you. He has to be willing to lose his family and social position and take on an incredible amount of criticism, judgment and shame to be with you. That’s a pretty tough choice. He is facing the possibility of being an outcast. Can you understand how scary that would be? I don’t know many people who would be willing to blow up their entire lives for love. And if you REALLY look at this deeply, the truth is, there is not guarantee of forever. Even if he were to choose you, there is no promise that it will last forever. You guys could eventually end up separating and then he would be left with nobody. That is a BIG BIG risk he would be taking. Staying connected to his family, which IS a forever kind of thing, is a natural choice. Family is so important. Feeling socially accepted is an important thing. Asking him to take a chance of giving all of that up, is MASSIVE. Love is just not enough in your situation. I may not be understanding your situation correctly, so if I am making this bigger than what it actually is, please correct me.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Devon! Thank you for accepting my apology and explanation.
I think an honest note would feel good to both of you, whether it gets him to come out or not. You will at least plant a seed which is potential for something to grow again. You can say something like “Losing you has been incredibly difficult. I have learned a lot about myself since you left and really seeing the areas that I want to become a better partner. One of the ways I am doing that now is by really listening to what you say and respecting your boundaries. I will not contact you and I will give you all the space you need. I am here if you ever want to talk, but if not, all I want for you is to be happy. I love you and miss you and will always appreciate and value the time that we got to spend together.” How does saying something like that feel for you?
I will definitely put in a request to have James offer his perspective!
Heidi
Hi Victoria,
Thank you for sharing your story! I can see why you are really drawn to him and how confusing the whole thing is for you! You guys have something really beautiful together. It’s incredibly hard to find someone you can feel safe to be 100% yourself with.
I know these feelings you have, make you want to have more with him. He has A LOT of red flags though, letting you know that a relationship with him with be EXTREMELY difficult and rejecting. Let’s just look at the simple pattern of how he shows up in his life. He hides a lot. It’s not easy for him to use his voice to express how he feels or go after what he wants. He instead stays silent and doesn’t really allow anyone to know the FULL version of him. He is NOT interested in taking risks and being vulnerable. He is 30 and has never had a girlfriend because his fear is so big. He would rather not get involved with someone than to experience love and deep connection and the hurt that can come with that through loss or disappointment. This is what I mean when I say he is “hiding.” He is so afraid of pain that he makes his world, his experiences, his life VERY small and VERY safe. Where is he the leader in his own life? Where is he making decisions for expansion and growth? Where is he facing his fears?
These are all qualities that are needed for love. Love WILL NOT sit still. Love NEEDS growth and expansions. Love REQUIRES facing fears if it is going to grow and blossom. Love REQUIRES being uncomfortable…a lot. He is not set up to love Victoria. Even if he did end up loving at some point, he isn’t really set up to sustain love. He would sabotage the connection all over the place because his fear is so big and running all his decisions and experiences in his life.
You have this pattern of picking narcissistic type of guys, right? Well is this guy really that different? I know he is not narcissistic, but what he does have in common with those other guys you were attracted to is…he is emotionally unavailable. It looks different and expresses differently, but the end result is the same…he is NOT available for intimacy…which is what you really want. You want a deep, open, authentic connection. You want a guy who will fight for you. You want a guy who has the strength to stay open and connected when big challenges show up. This guy doesn’t even handle his own challenges and fears, so what do you think will happen when challenges show up with you? He will do exactly what he already does…run from uncomfortable feelings. I know you wrote him that letter and you guys had a really beautiful and wonderful conversation about all of it, so he was able to talk about it with you, but in the end, wouldn’t you say he is running away from you?
Anytime someone’s actions and words do not line up, BE CAREFUL!!! That means they have 2 parts of themselves feeling different things and either part can be in control at any given moment. So one moment, he can be super connective and present with you and then another moment, he will stonewall you and become completely unavailable. Large amounts of fear and low self-esteem will do that. The low self-esteem part of him is sooooo big that it prevents him from emotional intimacy with himself. If he doesn’t even have that with himself, he sure as heck is not going to have that with you. I know he has opened up a lot to you over the years, but think about the amount of work it took you to even get him to that point. You put in a lot of effort and kept initiating. That’s what a relationship will look like with him. As long as you are the one who keeps initiating, he can respond. Don’t you want a guy who is strong enough to say what he wants to say? To be a leader in his own life and go after what he really wants? A guy who is able to take risks because he knows he will be okay if he gets hurt? A guy who will fight for you because he KNOWS you are the best thing that ever happened to him? This guy is NOT that guy.
I would agree with you that he DOES have feelings for you, but that does NOT mean he would be good in a relationship. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. Connection is just energy. How that energy gets expressed is a whole different thing. It’s incredibly difficult to like someone and not follow through on it, but I always suggest to slow down and REALLY look at ALL the dynamics and DO NOT let your feelings lead you…let the WHOLE picture lead you – look at him as a WHOLE person, not just how he makes you feel. Look at the best and the very worst of him. Are the worst parts of him – his fear, his hiding, his need for safety at all costs – are those things you are able to accept and embrace about him? Are you okay having a partner who will shut down and put walls up when he is hurt by you? Are you okay being with a guy who isn’t comfortable really stepping out of his comfort zone? Are you okay being with a guy that you have to constantly initiate a connection with and who never really fights for you?
So you get to choose….I know you miss him and I know you want more with him, but at what cost? Are you REALLY wanting to work that hard at a relationship with him? Do you REALLY want to go after another guy who is emotionally unavailable for you? If you do, that’s okay. I’ve done that MANY times and faced the hurt. Eventually, I was so sick of hurting that regardless of how attracted I was to that emotionally available guy, the pain was not worth it anymore. I loved myself MORE THAN the connection I felt with a guy. You may need to kiss many more “frogs” until you get to that point, but eventually, that’s where you want to land.
I hope this guy does get some help. A person who is that fearful, really misses out on life and it’s sad.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cathy,
Let’s take this a level deeper.
I am moving on knowing there is someone else out there that will think I am special and I can make them feel special. What if there isn’t someone else? How does that possibility make you feel?
Would I like to go out with him , yes and would I love to talk and laugh again with him , yes. But it would have to be on my terms. What are your terms?
I sit and think does he miss our talks as much as I do or is he hiding from all that. Does it really matter? Bottom line is, he has made his choice. The why, the how, the what behind his decision doesn’t matter. When we don’t really feel resolved, our minds tend to chase after the details, in efforts to create closure, but the problem is, our minds are seeking details it may never get and it can make it really difficult to find peace without those details. So the goal is, finding closure, peace, forgiveness and release of the hurt WITHOUT those details about “why” the other person did what they did. The truth is, it doesn’t matter because all that matters is the end result. Stay focused on the FACT that he has put a wall up and deal with that hurt, instead of spending energy wondering what his experience is and the reasons for that wall to go up. Let the reasons go. They are his and do not change the result – and it’s the result that is affecting you, not his reasons. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Cathy,
Yay! Well done! Stay empowered. DO NOT let him be the one to decide your value and worth. That is the most powerful gift that rejection offers us. When someone rejects us, it hurts because it pulls us out of the truth of our amazingness. The rejection hurts because we are giving that person the power to decide our value and worth. The process of coming back to the truth that you are wonderful and amazing, whether or not he or anyone else thinks so, is what strengthens you internally.
When I was much younger, rejection hurt sooooo much more. But every single time I was rejected, I worked on pulling myself back into my power and loving and choosing myself, even if they didn’t. Now, rejection still hurts of course, because that’s just normal, but I know how to find myself again, very quickly. That is what you are doing right now.
How are you feeling??? Are you feeling empowered?
Heidi
Hi Cathy,
How wonderful to get to feel butterflies again in your life. After losing your husband of 46 years, I imagine you would have wondered if it was every possible to feel anything again for someone else. And you quickly learned, absolutely YES! It’s possible! I love that you got to laugh and feel connected with him.
I know the conversation may have felt embarrassing, but from what it sounds like, this last conversation was NOT in alignment with his actions. Something DID happen on his vacation. Maybe his kids got upset about it. Maybe he got some really bad news about his health. You just don’t know, but for someone to be so warm and connective and suddenly go cold so fast…it’s NOT about you. Something happened and you may never know what. Either way, who knows how everything is going to turn out. Whatever caused him to put walls up so fast, I’m not sure it’s going to change. You may have lost your friend.
Here’s the thing Cathy. You need to know your value. You are worth fighting for, you are worth loving, you are worth getting to know and having adventures with. If someone doesn’t feel that way about you, they are NOT the right match. It doesn’t make anybody bad or wrong, it just simply means…there is not a strong enough resonance to keep the connection alive. Personally, I’m not interested in trying to keep a connection alive with someone who isn’t willing to do the same thing…organically. Meaning…if a guy does not feel inspired by me, then I say goodbye. Relationships have soooo many layers to work through. I sure as heck am not going to spend a dime of energy trying to get or keep a guy’s attention. If the guy doesn’t naturally see me as fabulous and amazing and someone he HAS to have in his life, then why should I try and convince him otherwise.
Yes! Life is short! Doesn’t that mean that your time is better spend investing and connecting with a man who has NOTHING stopping him? This guy pulled you in and connected with you and completely lead you on…and then he wants to claim that you misunderstood and it was only a business thing??? Nope. I don’t buy it. He knows the truth but is not willing to be honest and authentic with you. Yuk! You don’t need that in your life for one second. You want a guy who has the strength to be honest with you, even if it scares him and even if it might hurt you. That is a man with integrity. This guy is not showing up that way.
When you go into that meeting, feel good about yourself. BE CONFIDENT. KNOW that you are a gem and priceless. KNOW that you are magnificent and beautiful. Dress that way, walk that way, speak that way…embody your greatness. Treat him with respect and kindness and leave it at that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jaemie,
I understand that you want him to be okay, despite knowing the mess you are stepping into. If you really want to help, then report him. You are a nurse and are required to report anyone who is suicidal. You cannot help. You are not trained to know what to say and when and can easily make things a lot worse if you try and rescue him. If he is really that serious about committing suicide, he needs professional help.
There is no such thing as “the right thing to say.” The pain he carries is deep and has existed for years. It’s highly unrealistic to think that you would have some magic words to help him feel better about the years of pain he has been carrying that is making him want to commit suicide.
It really is important for you to not put yourself in the “rescuer” position. Again, the best thing you can do is report him or get him connected somehow with a professional. It’s soooo easy for you to get pulled into his pain and drama and sink lower and lower with him.
I know this is not what you want to do and I deeply understand that. I wish there were some magic words to help someone with that kind of pain, but there aren’t. He needs to figure out how to rescue himself otherwise he will take everyone down with him. Pain is a great motivator! Let his pain do the job of kicking him in the ass to create some movement. Let pain be his motivator. Love him enough to let him figure out how to fight for more in his life.
And maybe consider focusing on yourself. You wrapped yourself up with a guy who isn’t available for you. You had an affair for 2 years. You fell in love with a guy who is emotionally unavailable and miserable deep inside. Your choice to hand over your heart to a guy that is in desperate need of professional help…exposes some of your own woundedness. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Jaemie,
I’m so glad to hear you are moving on with your life. It’s liberating to be able to know that you are able to still live your life, even in the midst of heartbreak.
I know you feel concern for him, but IF there is something wrong, he needs to deal with it himself. He is a grown man. Trust that he is able to take care of himself. His well-being is not your responsibility anymore.
Besides, DO NOT fall into the trap of social media. So many people create assumptions about posts, messages, feelings etc. without ever talking to the person…and it causes so many problems.
It’s still important for you to stay on track with moving on in your life. Whatever is happening in his life, it’s HIS design.
Are you willing to let him go?
Heidi
Yes, true happiness only exists within the person. There is an inner happiness that needs to exist without needing to use external sources for pleasure. Meaning, true happiness is not reliant upon ANYTHING. It’s a happiness that exists because that is the nature of the soul. The baggage has to be dealt with first though. Not that the baggage will ever completely go away, but enough of the baggage is released that a lot of light is able to shine through. Does that make sense?
That’s why people who have nothing, are able to find happiness. The happiness exists within and is not reliant on any person or thing outside of them. That’s why people who have everything, are not happy…because “things” “people” “stuff” do NOT create that inner happiness.
Good luck on your journey! My wish is for you to truly be able to connect to the beauty, strength and courage that is already within you and that you are able to deeply see how valuable you are to this world. You matter!
If you have any other questions, need encouragement, want advice…we are always here for you!
Heidi
Oh goodness Halie! This is quite a story! You guys have been through a lot!!!
I love that you are reaching out for help. There are MANY layers to this situation and I’m happy to talk through all of them with you.
I have no clue how to let go of all of this baggage and just move on. Let’s just start with this. First, I want to say that it’s 100% possible for you to forgive and let go of all of this baggage. With that being said though, it does not mean that you will end up staying with your husband and having the marriage you want. Forgiviness, releasing and healing is just that…letting go of the negative feelings attached to a person/event, but going through that process DOES NOT guarantee any particular outcome. That’s the first thing to understand here. I know you want out of pain and I know you want to feel free from all the hurt you are carrying around. Part of letting go is about accepting what is. The truth is, you were lonely and felt anonymous in your marriage. The truth is, your husband decided to be with your best friend for several months. Forgiving him DOES NOT change the kind of person who makes those kinds of decisions. I know you cheated as well, so you BOTH end up making some very hurtful and damaging choices when in enough pain.
I would suggest that you both get some professional help. This is a pretty BIG situation that neither of you have the skillset to navigate in a healthy way. There is so much hurt and betrayal and soooooo many hard things to say, so having a professional to keep you guys focused, on track and connected to the truth will make all the difference in the world. Again, it doesn’t mean you will stay together…it just means you guys will hash it out with some help, so you guys can move forward in whichever direction is best…but in a healthier way this time.
Now let’s talk more about your choice to cheat. The first place to start with releasing all the hurt, is to forgive yourself. You were in the middle of the dessert without water for waaaaay too long. Someone came along with a wonderful glass of water and offered it to you. Do you know ANYONE who would refuse that water??? I don’t. Of course you drank it. The problem didn’t start with you drinking it, the problem began much earlier when you allowed yourself to continue to feel ignored, anonymous and lonely. The longer ANYONE stays in those emotions, it is INEVITABLE something harmful will happen. You were soooo thirsty by the time you cheated, that there was no way out for you other than drinking that water. So your job is to NEVER put yourself in that position again. You have to commit to taking MUCH better care of your emotional health. Do not fool yourself into thinking you are not capable of this again. You are. So protect yourself with everything you have. Commit to fighting for yourself. Commit to using your voice instead of staying silent. Commit to either feeling nourished in your relationship with him or get out. Commit to learning a new skillset about how to nourish your soul. And commit to forgiving yourself, no matter what. It may take some time, but forgiveness is a choice.
Think about forgiveness this way. When we don’t forgive, we are holding onto fears and hurts that prevents someone from being close with us. Your fears and hurts are valid AND…would you rather be connected, or hurt? Would you rather live in fear or freedom? He made some hurtful choices. So did you. Whenever we do something like that, it comes from a very wounded part of ourselves that is not healed and resolved. You cheated because you were in a rejecting marriage. You stayed in silent suffering because somewhere along the way, you learned how to cope that way. Your choice to suffer and starve comes from your own woundedness…and that is NOT your husband’s fault. That roundedness was there long before you ever met him. And the same goes for him. He is reacting to his life from a place of his own woundedness as well. His choice to be with your best friend was childish and FULL of hurt. So you see, you BOTH made choices from a place of a lot of hurt….baggage that you each are carrying around from your childhood experiences. So you have a ton of baggage and made some hurtful choices. He has a ton of baggage and made some hurtful choices. Your ex friend has a ton of baggage and made some hurtful choices. You all are coming from the same exact place. All the baggage might look a little different and gets expressed differently, but the result is the same…a lot of hurt.
That’s why forgiving yourself first is so important. When you are able to truly and deeply look at your own baggage and forgive yourself for letting that baggage pull you into hurtful choices, you will then be able to start to forgive others for their hurtful choices. I will circle around and say this again…forgiveness DOES NOT mean you stay connected though. There have been plenty of people who I 100% disconnected from because they were not people I wanted to keep in my life…AND I 100% forgave them for their choices. Forgiving is something you do for yourself, because you no longer want to live with the hurt, betrayal, anger, rage etc. You will most likely never be friends with her again, but you can 100% release the anger and hurt you feel by her choice and never have to exchange another word. You can make this choice because you choose peace and understanding over hurt. You choose to feel joy instead of betrayal.
In the end, I know it’s much easier said than done, but if you CHOOSE to reach forgiveness, no matter what and no matter how long it will take…you will get there. If you are relentless about it, you will get there even faster.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh this is GREAT to hear! I’m so glad you were able to talk with him about it and that he actually acknowledge your feelings as being valid. Yay! That must have felt amazing for you! And good job for taking some time so you didn’t emotionally vomit all over him. That was VERY adult of you to communicate your struggle and that you needed to think things through. Do you know how many people never do that?? Instead, their emotions slime the other person and it causes harm. I know this has been a pattern of yours in the past, but look at you caring enough to work on it! It’s not the kind of person you want to be. You are going to slip up now and then, but you will continue to improve, the more you practice. I really have a lot of respect for your choice to work on this!
Good job!
Heidi
Oh yes. I did misunderstand. Being a witness to that abuse is just as horrible. It is incredibly impactful and has all the same affects as if it happened to you personally. It terrifying as a child to watch something repeatedly. Of course he doesn’t feel safe to love. Of course you are timid. Experiences like that will impact every single second of every day of your life until you face it, forgive, release and heal. I truly hope you reach out to a specialist who can guide you into healing.
I know you feel you don’t have confidence, but let me normalize something for you. EVERYBODY has low self-esteem. It doesn’t matter how emotionally healthy and confident you become, there will ALWAYS be areas where you have very low confidence. The idea you want to work towards is feeling more confident than not. Love however, is a very special and unique kind of energy that will easily find all of your insecurities and shines a light on them. It does that to everyone. That’s why love is such a powerful force for growth. Love will show me areas of low confidence that only the energy of love can expose. So I really would like to invite you into seeing that you have more confidence than you give yourself credit for. Yes, you have areas of low self-esteem, but so does everybody. I personally see you as quite strong. It takes strength to come here and ask for another opinion. It takes strength to read what I had to say. It takes strength to even admit that you have low confidence. It takes strength to acknowledge the challenge you are facing. You are not burying your head in the sand. You are seeking truth…and I will tell you that over the 30 years I have been working with people, the majority of them will bury their heads back into the sand, even after I connect them to their truth. So from my viewpoint, I see you as quite strong…in that way that really matters in life.
And when you are ready to make the decision you will. Trust yourself. You will get there in exactly the right timing. In the meantime, focus on learning and growing within yourself. Instead of focusing so much on what he said, remind yourself of the truth. He feels what he feels because underneath it all, he is terrified to love deeply. So his system will naturally and subtly bring up feelings to cause him to sabotage. You did nothing wrong. This is not your fault or his fault. It’s just a result of the abuse he witnessed growing up. Remind yourself of THAT truth anytime the lies come into your mind about not making him happy and you should have done something different. Those types of stories that your mind is making up comes from your own traumas and are NOT true. What IS true is that you are lovable and worth fighting for, even if he isn’t able to fight for you right now. Your value is not tied to his choices or feelings. Your value is separate than him and everyone else. Stay empowered. DO NOT ever put your value and your worth into someone else’s hands. That is NOT where it belongs!
Heidi
It breaks my heart to hear that you both experienced being abused as you grew up. It’s so so sad that a parent feels so powerless and angry that they feel the need to target an innocent, young child to release their rage and get a power fix. Abuse causes so much damage. It makes a lot more sense about what is happening here and why. The reality is, your guy will NEVER feel safe with anyone until he faces the trauma he carries. Kids who are abused move through life with a part of themselves ALWAYS on guard and never trusting anyone. They don’t even trust themselves on a core level. Love is INCREDIBLY difficult for them. They can feel love, but it’s limited. I hope that you BOTH decide to get help. The baggage that abuse creates is massive and impacts every second of every day of your life. If you find a specialist you like, they can help you put that baggage down and help you say goodbye to it…so you can start living your life more fully.
I think him being unsure about me also has something to do with my lack of strong personality.
I tried too hard to be the perfect girlfriend for him. I guess I should not have.
I also should have given him a chance to invest more in me instead of making everything easier for him. I think this is a karma for me. Because of my past, I wanted to be different this time and be more mature and have a healthy loving relationship, but I took it too far I think.
All of these statements is you trying to figure out what you did wrong that caused him to feel the way he does. This is the type of thinking common with someone who has been abused. You think it’s your fault. That’s what a child thinks when they are abused…they think they did something wrong to cause the abuse, because their mind is not developed enough to think anything different. And that is what you are doing now.
I want to encourage you not to give any of these ideas you have about yourself ANY energy. What is happening is he has feelings inside that would have come up eventually, no matter what you did or did not do. These are feelings he MUST face if he is going to learn how to be a better partner. These feelings exist because he was abused, so instead of pointing the finger at yourself for not being the king of girlfriend that would make him completely happy, point the finger at his father who taught him it was never possible to be happy in the first place. That’s what abuse does…it steals joy and teaches a person that life in general, is not safe. Being happy only exists in small moments and then it will get taken away again. It shatters any ability to feel safe loving…anyone. The 2 people who were supposed to make your world safe and protect you, didn’t do their jobs. The father abused and the mother didn’t stop it. So how in the world is a child supposed to grow up and feel completely open, safe and loving when the core role models in their life taught them to do the complete opposite??? That’s why finding a specialist is something you both should do. Read books, find groups that work with people who have been abused, go to workshops and start to learn how to better navigate your life, your feelings, your fears etc. You both have soooooo many more years ahead of you. I imagine you want to spend them feeling free, happy, loved, safe and strong. You have to fight for that though.
In my mind, if I no longer feel anything for him, it is easier to break up. But I think it is not going to be as easy as I hope it to be. I might just fall more deeply in love with him and wreck my self. think I am still hoping that I can change his mind and that he will understand that I am the one for him and have no uncertain feelings towards me anymore. I understand your strategy. The thing is, it’s not going to work this time around. Breaking up doesn’t mean there isn’t great love between 2 people. Breaking up means that the love that is there, is not enough to keep the couple together. The problem you are going to have to face, is that staying is going to hurt and leaving is going to hurt. Either direction you look, you are going to be hurting. If you stay though…the hurt is just going to continue to grow, other issues are going to come up and cause more harm to the connection and there is no “end” to the hurt. It’s like seeing that you have cut on your arm and not doing anything to help it heal. Each day it is going to get worse and eventually grow into an infection that becomes much more serious. The pain grows. You both have such a beautiful connection. I would hate to see you both hold on for dear life and end up sucking the beauty that exists right now, out of the love you have. I would hate to see either of you end up making choices down the road that cause even greater harm to each other, because neither of you are willing to face the ending. That’s the road you are looking down by staying together. The pressure WILL grow. The discomfort WILL continue. Something is going to happen, at some point, that is going to cause greater hurt than what you feel right now. It’s inevitable. What you are both feeling now is nothing compared to what will happen down the road if you both keep ignoring what is happening.
If you choose to leave and honor that it’s time for him to face his thoughts, it will hurt like crazy. AND…you will heal. The pain will not grow. It will be at its worst in the beginning and then get better as time goes on, instead of the opposite if you stay. If you stay, the pain is less now, but will grow over time. I know you cannot imagine your life without him. I know that feeling. I am here to tell you that you are strong enough to get through this. The strength you will gain from going through this will help you for the rest of your life.
I understand you don’t feel ready yet though. You get to choose. People typically don’t make changes until they are in enough pain. I know I have done that many times where I stay in a situation much longer than I needed to, because I had a very high pain tolerance. It always came at a great cost to me though. But even in those choices I made, I learned, I grew, I healed and I asked for help to do all of that. I found a way to turn my pain into strength and resilience. So no matter what you decide to do and when, you are going to be okay. If you made it through being abused, you can make it through anything in your life! You are stronger than you think.
Heidi
Hi Marisa,
Great question! Let’s talk about this a bit.
I wouldn’t say that he is disconnected exactly. Maybe he is. Maybe he isn’t, but instead has a lot of fear he is carrying around and that is bigger than his ability to connect to his emotions. Either way, whatever is going on for him, what you DO know is that normal questions he calls “probing” are extremely uncomfortable for him, so that DOES make him emotionally disconnected/unavailable for YOU.
I am the type of person who asks a TON of questions. I LOVE asking questions. It’s a great way to get to know and learn about someone. I am definitely on the high end in my ability to ask a variety of questions. While dating, I found many guys who loved it, many who were uncomfortable, many who shut me out completely and some with a variety of responses. The conclusion I came to a long time ago was that I NEEDED to be with a guy who values, invites and appreciates my skillset in getting to know him…that means he LIKES my questions and even beyond that – he likes me…just as I am. So if I come across a guy who is uncomfortable with my questions, no matter how wonderful I think he is, I KNOW we will never work for me, because it would mean that I would not get to be my full and complete self with him and that doesn’t work for me. I want more.
So your guy is basically telling you that your inquiries are not okay for him….which on a deeper level he is rejecting a part of who you naturally are…which means for you guys to fit, you will have to shrink yourself down and shut off a part of you, so that he can feel “safe” with you. Is that how you want to be with someone? A good match is with someone who inspires your expansion and growth, not shrinking. You cannot change who he is and his reactions. He has something much deeper going on inside, which he has to be willing to face. My guess is, he is not interested in doing something like that, so that means you are going to have to adjust to him if you want to stay with him. There is no right or wrong here – you both just operate differently. Are you willing to stop asking him questions? What does that make you feel like?
Thoughts?
Heidi
