Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Devon,
Let’s talk about this statement first: If this is seriously the way you do things on here, please stop replying to people because it isn’t helpful or encouraging at all. You’re mean and kind of hateful in the way you reply and I don’t deserve to be beaten when I’m already down. I hear you. I hear that you don’t feel cared about and feel judged and beaten up by me. I hear that you feel that I am calling you toxic and that I am basically saying that you are a bad partner. I am so sorry that’s the impression you have. Sometimes the most difficult part about this forum is that it’s only words and a person doesn’t get to see my face or hear my words or feel the energy of which I am delivering the information so they can have a TRUE understanding of how and what I am saying. I also don’t get to SEE you, feel your reactions, or hear your responses in order to know whether what I am saying is hitting the mark or not. Either way, my form of communication didn’t work with you. Instead of bringing you into deeper truths, which is only what I intended, I put you on the defensive with how I said things and that is my ineffectiveness. I 100% own that. I am deeply sorry that you ended up feeling this way.
Let’s see if I can clear up your perception of me a bit. I actually have zero judgment of you. In my mind, as I was writing everything, I was just seeing you like I do everyone….myself included…wrestling with the side of ourselves that has caused harm and being in suffering because of it. So in my mind, you are just a person who has been hurt and it ended up getting in the way of your love. Lord knows I have done that more times than I can count.
My reference to saying you are toxic was not at all saying that was all that you are. You ARE toxic, as we all can be, given the right circumstances. This statement I made previously was more what I meant to emphasize, but it obviously did not land the way I wanted. I am someone who has worked with and owned the darkness in myself for many years. Part of healing is embracing the toxicity we all carry within ourselves that causes harm to others as well as ourselves. My intention was more to help you connect with that part of you so you can embrace it instead of deny it. When you made this statement: show him I am not the same as I was it’s a statement of denial of the darker side of you…a side of you that will ALWAYS exist in one form or another….AND THAT’S OKAY! It’s normal. It’s human. It will shift and change some as you learn and grow, but there will always be a dark side to you. Please hear me when I say this…EVERYONE is toxic. We ALL have a dark side, low self-esteem, cause harm to others and ourselves…this is not about me pointing the finger at you and judging you…it’s more about shining the light on it and having it be okay, so you can work with it to create healing instead of trying to NOT be that side of yourself. The only way ANY of us can become less toxic, is to own it, look at it, embrace it, work with it and start to release the wounds that helped grow that toxicity.
You are MUCH more than your toxicity and my mistake was not letting you know that I also see the side of you too. You love deeply. You are incredibly passionate and I KNOW your heart is incredibly giant…not just with him, but also with anyone you choose to love. I imagine you are the type of person that once you open your heart to someone, whether a lover, a friend, an animal, a job…you give everything you have…your love is powerful Devon. You deeply care and I see that about you.
You are right in that I was contradicting everything you say, but not in the energy of trying to contradict you…more in the energy of trying to bring other ideas into the situation. The best I can do on this platform is to somehow take words a person is using and interpret them the best I know how and come up with a response. One of my challenges as a Coach, is that I have been studying love, the psyche, human behavior etc. deeply for over 30 years and because of that, I sometimes am not meeting the person where they are at very well. I absolutely can have this tendency to pound some other perspectives into a session and not let someone come up for a breath to absorb any of what I saying, little bits at a time. I will ALWAYS struggle with this. It’s my personality, it’s how I treat myself and while some people love it and appreciate it, others do not and I can cause harm, as I did with you. Again, my apologies Devon. I am doing the best that I can and a harsh truth is….sometimes my best is not good enough.
You weren’t there when we were arguing because there was almost never yelling This statement is confusing for me because you said he said this: He had always told me not to yell at him first thing in the morning because it was just not okay. and then you said: So, obviously, I yelled at him about something on that Wednesday after the 4th of July. If there was almost never any yelling, why would he need to ask you to not yell at him first thing in the morning? With everything you have said so far, my impression is that you yell when you are upset, jealous, angry etc. That is your main way to express your feelings. Like your impression of me, I also had an impression that your communication style, according to what you shared, was yelling and that it happened quite frequently. If you feel like elaborating and explaining this further, then I’m happy to shift my impression.
That being said, the arguments were few and far between until the last couple weeks. We were completely in love and happy 98% of the time. This also seems a bit strange to me. When a relationship is good for 98% of the time, people don’t break up. When there is great love and a few weeks of challenges, people don’t break up over that. From what he said in his message: I cannot be that for you because you want me to give it all up, family, friends, and only leave room for you. I had to leave the way things were going and all your fears suffocated me to no end. So to end my suffering and yours I left. Stop letting fear control you. You can do great things beyond it. These are some pretty deep feelings that he is having and something he has probably felt for a much longer time than just the past few weeks. These statements indicate feelings that have festered and grown over time. He may never have communicated them to you so you had no idea and that wouldn’t be surprising is he grew up being “forced into silence.”
the problem was simply lack of time with him because of his newfound busy schedule and the fact that it made him super tired, super early. This is something you have never mentioned. All you have mentioned up to this point is him being upset with you yelling at him and that you started to get very jealous of his new job because of all the women he was working with. So lack of time is another issue? And it’s only been an issue for 2 weeks?
I try SO hard to NOT be that person that I made it my mission to not get upset with him and, if I did, talk with him calmly. So from your perspective, from 0-100% how much would you say that you talked with him calmly vs. yelling at him? Do you feel he would agree with your percentage?
I’m in counseling, I’m listening to the self-help books, I bought this course to try to get more insight into where I went wrong and many other things in the last three weeks. You are taking some wonderful steps Devon, to figure yourself out, to figure out him and to be the kind of person that you deeply want to be. Again, your heart is BIG and it’s beautiful! It’s a tough road for sure and one that a very small percentage of people would take. I respect you for hopping on the path and being willing to learn and grow.
I’m happy to have Spyce step in and talk with you if you still feel closed off to me. I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I hope you are able to release the hurt and let this go and either move forward continuing to talk with me or work with Spyce instead. You just say the word.
Heidi
Everything you said, I am already taking steps to work on This is great! What are you doing to work on yourself? What steps are you taking?
He’s working where we will be and I feel that I need to just see him and show him I am not the same as I was. You cannot SHOW him anything. All you have are your words through a conversation you have with him. SHOWING him means that he sees you in a stressful situation and you actually treat him differently. Showing him means that you respond to your jealousy in a different way. Showing him means that you don’t yell at him anymore. These are things you can’t do unless you are together. And you don’t actually KNOW for sure you are different long term. The kind of jealousy you carry and the way you communicate your stressful feelings, are patterns that have existed for years and they don’t just go away because you have an awareness about them. Shifting these patterns takes a lot of time, healing and practice. Since he left, you haven’t had to feel that jealousy that takes control over you, to KNOW through and through that you will handle it differently. You probably would do great for a couple of months, but the patterns slowly creep back in and will take over again….guaranteed.
There was always mutual respect and love with so much support I’m going to burst your bubble here. There was not ALWAYS mutual respect and love with support. The moment either of you brings criticism and blame into a yelling match, respect and support DO NOT exist and that is the issue here. A couple that is going to last, is respectful and supportive even when the stress is high. Respect and support exist 100% of the time both towards their partner and within themselves. This is something you guys didn’t have and when that does not exist under ALL the range of emotions, not just the good, a relationship breaks.
I know everything was my own doing This is never true. BOTH people always contribute to an ending. I know he has some things to work on as well. Tell me 3 things he could have done to be a better partner for you?
I’m devastated since he promised he saw years with me. I’m going to burst your bubble again. Anyone making “promises” like that is not grounded in the reality of life. The truth is, there is NEVER a guarantee of continued love. I have no doubt that he meant it at the moment, but that’s as long as it’s good for. For love to last, it takes work, commitment, growth, self-love and sooooo many more aspects….and even WITH all those things, there still is no guarantee. Life happens all the time, people change in ways they never see coming and no matter how much love exists, a relationship will still break. Love is risk…all the time. And because of that, promises to love forever and always be there are simply promises that are beautiful in the moment, but not a guarantee of anything beyond that moment.
I know this message may feel a bit tough for you. If you are going to move forward, whether with him or someone else, it’s important to understand how to get yourself grounded in the truth, learn about the qualities needed to build a successful relationship and deeply look at and work with the areas in yourself where you are not able to support those qualities.
He’s working where we will be and I feel that I need to just see him With the place you are in right now, I imagine you won’t be able to resist seeing him. So let’s assume you don’t have the control to not see. The only thing I would suggest is…SHOW him you are different by actually respecting his choice. Your constant yelling at him taught him that whatever he was doing that made you unhappy, meant your emotional vomiting all over him. So…since you think you are not the same person, then SHOW him you respect his choice and do something he is not expecting. Thank him for his choice. Because honestly, he gave you the greatest gift on the planet. Him leaving is waking you up to how destructive your energy and words can be in a relationship. He got your attention, since his own words of asking you to stop, wasn’t enough. You can say something of this nature….but only if it’s true for you. Since he specifically said: all your fears suffocated me to no end you want to address that and acknowledge it. You can say something like “Listen…I know this may seem strange to hear, but I just want you to know that even though I am deeply hurting by your choice to leave, I am seeing the gift in it as well. I really am seeing how destructive I was and how much it harmed you. You are right. I am fearful and that fear is so big, my reaction was to try and control it…and try to control you…and that broke us. I really see more clearly how much my fears limit me. You didn’t deserve to have all my insecurities dumped into your lap. That is not the kind of partner I want to be anymore. I have a lot of work to do. I am doing_____________________to start to dig into my reactions and I am learning_________________________to help me manage my emotions better. Whether we ever come back together or not, I have you to thank for helping me become a better person. It’s obviously not how I wanted to learn this lesson, but apparently it’s the wake-up call that I needed. So I just wanted you to know….thank you.”
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Jennafar,
Welcome! It sounds like you are quite confused, so let’s see if there is more we can figure out.
how do I know if he’s just being silent & not responding, or if he’s blocked my number and isn’t getting the texts at all I don’t know. There may be some technological way to be able to tell, but that is not in my wheelhouse. Otherwise, there is no way to know.
I’m a little confused. Did you and this guy date for a while? Or is he someone you have a crush on and you are trying to get his attention?
Let’s assume he IS getting your texts. It would be pretty clear that he is not interested in connecting with you the way you want, so I would suggest to let the idea of him go and let your heart heal. The odds of him NOT getting all the texts you have sent, are pretty slim. Do you know anyone that knows him? Maybe someone can find out for you? Are you going to be running into him at all?
Here is a truth you may not like. When a guy really wants to get to know a girl, he will make the effort. So even if he isn’t getting your text messages, he still isn’t reaching out to you and initiating any kind of connection. I don’t know your situation with him, as you shared very little detail, but from the little you did share, it doesn’t appear that he is interested. There is nothing anybody can do to MAKE someone like them. Attraction is there, or it’s not. Sometimes it can change over time, but that is something we just don’t have control over.
Tell me why you are trying to get this guy’s attention.
Heidi
Hi Devon,
I’m so so sorry for the heartbreak you are having to manage right now. It’s the kind of heartbreak that takes your breath away and completely disorients your entire world. It’s incredibly tough. My heart goes out to you.
Let’s talk about a few things here and see if we can figure something out:
Meanwhile, the arguments got bigger and one day, we almost got physical. He took a step too close to me and I clenched my fist and took a step too. He had met his match.. but I stopped myself because I knew what he had been through but, it was too late. This is quite scary Devon. You guys were escalating to the point of potential physical abuse. You stopped yourself because you knew what he had been through, but beyond that, is that really the kind of person you want to be? You want to allow yourself to get so angry to the point that you are ready to punch your “best friend” “the love of your life” “your everything???” You obviously cannot control him, but you can learn about yourself. If you are EVER getting to that point, it means your anger and hurt are building up and you are reaching your limit. The idea is, to NOT reach that limit. The idea is, to work with your feelings ON YOUR OWN instead of burying them or blaming him for how you feel. Your emotional management is YOUR 100% responsibility. It’s important and crucial for you to know that you are capable of physical abuse (as we all are), so now you can work on NEVER letting yourself get to that point again. It’s not okay and is scary for anyone who is facing you….and hopefully scary for you as well knowing what you were ready to do.
He had always told me not to yell at him first thing in the morning because it was just not okay. So, obviously, I yelled at him about something on that Wednesday after the 4th of July. He got his paycheck that day, lied to me about it, and the next day, bought a ticket out of NY and down to his new job in Disney. The next day, he called me dear again and I had it. I flipped out and said my peace and was fine. He wasn’t. It sounds like with the arguments, yelling was a common way that you guys communicated with each other. I’m wondering if you were role modeled this type of communication in your own home while growing up. Yelling is a symptom of feeling not heard or seen and it only gets worse the longer we ignore our feelings. Yelling can also be a symptom of blaming the other person for how you are feeling. This is NEVER true. Whatever you feel, it is 100% because of your very unique and specific filter that has been created throughout your life. For example, you have a tendency to be jealous. Why? Where are these insecurities coming from? They don’t come from him…so where did you learn that you have to compete with other women? Where did you learn that you are not valuable and worth knowing and caring for, even in the presence of other women whom you identify as your competition? Jealousy is destructive through and through. It’s not HIS job to help you feel secure…that is 100% your job. As he said, you live with a lot of fear….the amount of fear you live with is directly related to how much you try and control a situation. Fear and control go hand in hand with everyone. I’m wondering if you function under the mindset that he somehow is responsible for how you feel and kept putting all your feelings on him so he could make you feel better. If this is true, it is a mindset that will destroy ANY relationship, no matter how much love exists between 2 people. A healthy mindset is someone who takes 100% responsibility for their own feelings and reactions, NEVER blames and in taking ownership of their feelings, they work with them and communicate them in a respectful way to their partner.
How do I show him nothing was ever intended and that I’m not the toxic person I had become? Of course you never purposefully and intentionally want to cause him harm, but it doesn’t change that you did. You ARE that toxic person. You say you aren’t that toxic person….well then, who was that toxic person then? It’s important for you to truly accept and embrace ALL parts of you. You ARE toxic, as we all can be, given the right circumstances. When you actually own and realize what you are capable of, it finally allows you to have a wake-up call about how you can be destructive AND to hopefully learn healthier ways to work with that part of yourself. Toxic energy comes from many, many moments in our lives where we were hurt, betrayed etc. and we never really released those emotions…instead we buried them. Although we may not feel those emotions consciously, they can easily be triggered by current situations. So this toxic side of yourself is letting you know that you have A LOT of baggage that you have never really worked through. And all that means is that if you don’t start to look at it, work with it, release it…you will ALWAYS sabotage connection. The baggage we all carry around acts as walls and limitations to connection and love.
With all of this being said, I want to make sure that you understand this is all quite normal. We all function this way in various ways…including your guy. For him to leave the way he did without talking to you about it, shows how afraid he is as well….it exposes his own baggage. Either way, I know you won’t like hearing this, but he is right to step away. It sounds like you guys were getting out of control, not being respectful and honoring to each other and causing more damage and harm than good. Whenever it feels like that for a person, it’s time to exit, no matter how much love is there.
I know you want him back. I don’t know if that is possible, but the only way you will ever be able to get him back, is to really look at your side of things. It’s time for you to learn how to work with your emotions, how to communicate differently when you are angry, hurt or fearful, face your tendency to be jealous and learn different ways to manage your stress. He will not want to step into the same relationship that he left…as he shouldn’t and nor should you. The best you can do is actually be proactive and start to learn about yourself.
Are you willing to see a therapist or coach and get some help? Are you willing to start to read books and maybe take some classes? Are you willing to get to know that toxic side of yourself that sabotages love?
Heidi
Hi Yashu,
Welcome. It sounds like you are heartbroken. How long were you dating?
I know it’s incredibly tough to watch someone you feel connected to, move on and build a life with someone new. It’s heartbreaking. It sounds like he disconnected because of something you did. I imagine you already apologized, yes?
I’m so sorry to say this, but typically when another woman has captured a guy’s attention and he is moving on, getting his attention can be incredibly difficult. He is going to know that you are trying to pull him back and it doesn’t sound like he is interested in that. It might be time for you to accept that vs. trying to get him back, which will only keep you in hurt and suffering. If he hasn’t even opened your message, I would say that is a pretty clear sign he is not interested in connecting at all. Being that you have a tendency to be pushy, it’s best you don’t use that same energy to try and get him back. Being pushy is an energy that is all about YOU and not him. It’s more about what YOU want vs. listening and respecting what HE wants as well. His feelings and what he wants matters too, so trying to pull him back to you by being pushy, is NOT a respectful or honoring way to get his attention again. Give him space. Let him have this new experience and let it all happen the way it is supposed to vs. you trying to control the outcome.
Don’t you want a guy who is inspired by you? Don’t you want a guy who WANTS to be with you vs. you having to convince him somehow to be with you? Whatever caused you guys to break up, happened for a reason. Maybe you guys are not the BEST fit. Maybe there is a different guy who is able to be more patient and forgiving? You will love again Yashu. Give it some time. Let this guy go, heal your heart and then open the door to a new experience. Who knows…maybe this guy will come back around again down the road and you guys can give it another go.
If you haven’t apologized for whatever you did, then writing him a letter could be a nice gesture. Do it for yourself though and not for him. Say what you need to say, send the letter and then let him go. Whatever he does with the letter is up to HIM. DO NOT expect a response. Write the letter because you want to clear the bad energy from your side. Write the letter for YOU to feel complete and like you did everything you could to create resolution. But again, do not expect a response. Send the letter and then let the whole thing go.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m still confused. Do you date for 1 year or are you just friends for 1 year before starting to date? When you date someone, is there kissing? Holding hands? Flirting?
Would you be willing to let go of the the 1 year mark? Would you be willing to let your intuition guide you instead of a set time? I imagine you are quite afraid of letting someone into your life and that you have a lot of walls, yes?
Heidi
I get to know them for a year before I get into a relationship. I’m wondering why you are choosing to wait a year. To be honest, I don’t know anyone who would be willing to wait around for a year. That’s an incredibly long time to wait for someone to commit to you. Many people start exchanging “I love you’s” around the 4-6 month mark and many people will tend to commit to each other around that time as well. I understand you are cautious and want to be very discerning. Is there something you are afraid of that makes you want to wait for long? I imagine your health challenges might cause you to be extra cautious, yes?
I understand you are hanging out with them and observing them in various situations, but are you intimate with them at all while you are dating? Hand holding? Flirting? Or do you keep it strictly platonic and only focus on developing the friendship for the first year?
I love everything you are paying attention to! Great stuff! If you understand that what makes or breaks a relationship, is how a couple treats each other in their worst moments, then you know what to look for, first and foremost. How a person treats you, themselves, others while under high stress is CRUCIAL to understand. The problem is, when you first start getting to know someone, you typically don’t see their stress response…that can take time.
There are ways to get a small, tiny look though. I find that I am able to gather quite a bit of information by asking very specific questions. Here are some examples: What are you like when you get really angry? Or really hurt? What was your reputation in high school? What’s the worst thing you have ever done to someone else? Tell me about your biggest heart break. What happened? What did you do? Tell me about a really hard moment in your life. What happened? What did you do?
These types of questions where you ask them how they handled stressful situations, can give you a lot of information. I watch to see if they still have any emotions around the situations, are they open to talk about it, do they appear to feel resolved, how did they handle the stress etc. I pay special attention to how they said they handled the stress. Many times people lie or make themselves look better than what they really are…or even sometimes they believe they are one way when in actuality they are not. If I choose to continue getting to know them, I also continue to ask various questions to keep drawing out more and more stories to see if what they share, is continuous throughout their stories or does it change a lot. Does this make sense?
Also, another way to see how they respond to stress is to use your health issues as a test, so to speak. There was a guy I was really starting to like (we were dating about 3 months at this point), but I wanted to really test his stress response before moving forward, so this is what I did: He showed up on time to pick me up, but instead I ran 20 minutes late, so he had to wait. We started driving to the restaurant and I claimed I had left my curling iron on and I had to go back and unplug it. By the time we got to the restaurant, our reservation has expired, so we had to go find another place to eat. While there, I spilled my water all over him. I wanted to see what he was like when things didn’t go smoothly for him. I learned A LOT about him, enough for me to know I wasn’t interested in dating anymore. So you can use your health issues in the same way. Any guy who is going to be able to sustain with you, is going to have to accept and work with your health challenges, yes? So let your health challenges get in the way of something, like a date or intimacy or having to leave an event early etc. This is a great way to get a small idea about what a guy will respond like under stress.
Does this make sense for you?
Also, I want to invite you into creating a list…I call it the non-negotiable list. It’s a list of qualities REQUIRED if you are going to feel nourished in a relationship. If these qualities do not exist, no matter how great the guy is, it won’t matter…it’s not going to work. This list is NON-NEGOTIABLE…always and forever.
For example, I cannot survive in a relationship without romance. My guy HAS TO BE romantic with me and ENJOY being romantic with me, if we are ever going to last. I KNOW that my should will slowly wither away and die without romance. It is and always has been a non-negotiable. My guy HAS TO be active. I am an athlete and very active, so I need a guy who loves to go on hikes, ride bikes, lift weights etc. and he enjoys spending his time that way. It’s how I play in my life, so a guy who is not connected to his body in that way…we would NEVER work long term.
Let me be clear though…this is not a list about what you want….it’s a list about what you cannot live without. There is a big difference.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi CC,
This is actually a really great question and one of my favorite topics.
The thing is, they are not drastically changing, you just are not seeing the signs of who they really are. My guess is, you are just taking what they say and do as literal and not understanding the nuances of behavior.
For example, let’s say within the first few dates a guy says “Wow, you are amazing. I’ve never met anyone like you. You are beautiful, intelligent, funny and I love talking with you.” Most ladies would not see this compliment as a red flag, but this type of compliment is actually exposing either a hidden agenda or a guy who attaches way too quickly. Why? Because for a person to offer such a BIG compliment to someone they barely know, it’s not a good sign. Compliments like “You’re amazing” or “I’ve never met anyone like you” or anything of that flavor NEED to actually have some substance behind it for it to actually be true. So when a person offers that compliment so quickly, it’s empty, with no evidence to truly support these kinds of words. So again…I instantly think…this guy is either trying to woo me into bed or he is attaching way to quickly and putting me on a pedestal. So I keep an eye on it and I am cautious. I look for other patterns, words, actions that would support or negate my suspicions.
If you understand that over 80% of what we say, feel and act like is coming from the subconscious…an abyss of the mind FULL of thousands of pieces of data we have collected over every second of every day. This matters because how we date, who we choose, who we are attracted to, how we interact with them…the ENTIRE process is guided by thoughts, beliefs, stories and programs stored in the subconscious. The subconscious has a language. It’s subtle and hidden, but once you understand what it looks like, sounds like, feels like, you can instantly pick up on the subtleties. That’s why I am saying that those guys are not all of a sudden changing. I guarantee you there were a gazillion signs and behaviors and actions all along the way that would have shown you who these guys REALLY are, beyond what they say and do each day. You just don’t know what to look for or how to recognize it, so in the end, you end up feeling fooled and mislead.
So let’s just start with this….tell me how you date. I’m a little confused about your process.
Before I get into a relationship I don’t start dating until I’ve known them for at least a year This is what I don’t understand. Do you mean that you date them for a year BEFORE you enter into a relationship? Or do you mean you get to know them for a year BEFORE you start dating? Help me understand this a little better.
Also, when you are dating a guy, what are you paying attention to? What are you looking for? You obviously want to find compatibility and support and friendship, so what behaviors and patterns are you watching to see if he meets your criteria?
Heidi
Hi Lucy!
Welcome! It sounds like you are really falling for this guy. It feels so good to find someone you have a connection with, doesn’t it?
I want to slow you down a bit here. Speaking from years and years of personal and professional experience, knowing someone over technology is hardly knowing them. You literally are interacting with them in a small window during their day. Virtual sex and conversations is a VERY small snapshot into who they actually are. Wanting to be in a relationship with a guy you have never met in person and a guy you have such little understanding about…is moving things a bit fast. A committed relationship is a really sacred thing as you are offering your heart to someone. It’s important for you to be discerning and careful about who you offer your heart to, yes?
Also, this guy is NOT ready for a relationship. It’s probably why he is choosing to connect with you…you are way too far away for him to ever have to worry about you finding out anything about his life, who else he is connecting with and he doesn’t really have to worry about being in a relationship. This kind of long distance is incredibly tough to develop when you are meeting through technology.
So it’s important for you to really be realistic. He is very purposefully keeping you at a distance. He doesn’t feel ready for a relationship, but it sounds like he is okay having sex with you. I’m guessing that is all he is really capable of at this point. I’m curious though…you said you have been writing this guy for 6 months. Does he ever initiate writing to you? Or is he mostly just responding to whatever you write? It sounds like the video calls jump pretty quickly into sex being that you guys have limited time. Maybe consider not going there every single time. It’s important to have calls that build communication and friendship as well. I’m wondering what he would do if you said no to having sometimes. What his reaction be like? I wonder if he would start to pull away.
It’s also a really big red flag if he is accusing you of being controlling just because you are asking if he is okay. This, more than anything, tells you he is not ready to have a relationship. He is still holding onto a lot of hurt and resentment from his marriage that he is literally turning a caring question into something toxic. He can’t give you what you want right now anyways. AND, if he is saying he isn’t ready for a relationship, I can’t imagine he would be willing to come visit you, because that is a pretty big deal.
So I think you already have your answer, but it may be important for you to hear from him, so you understand where he really stands with you. Can you find the courage to just ask him directly? I know it’s really opening yourself up to rejection, but maybe that’s what you really need so you can understand that you guys are on very different pages right now.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tammy,
Would love to hear back from you! How are things shaping up for you? Any thoughts about what I said?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Any new developments? Any new thoughts about your relationship? I would love to keep talking about your situation.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Jennie!
It’s been a while! I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. I’m not sure if you are still an active member or not, but thought I’d reach out and see what’s happening for you. Any new developments? New questions? I would love to keep talking with you about your situation or at least hear some updates.
Hope to hear from you soon!
Heidi
Hi Johanna,
What’s happening for you? Any new developments? Any thoughts about what you would like to do about our situation? Are you getting any help?
Heidi
Hi Dawn,
I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. Any thoughts about what I said? I would love to keep talking about this.
Heidi
Hi Dawn,
I am so incredibly sorry that you are having to face a broken heart. I know how devastating it feels to lose the one you love.
This sounds like quite a complicated and layered situation. I’m going to say some things that you probably are not going to like. My intention is to connect you to the truth and what makes a relationship work and not work.
First, you are more connected to the potential of your relationship vs. the reality. Falling in love and investing in “potential” breaks connection. I know it started out amazing, but for a relationship to last, it requires much more than love and connection. It requires forgiveness, honesty, communication and commitment. It doesn’t sound like he is willing to forgive, communicate or work through this with you. Whatever story he is investing in, truth or lie, what the REALITY is, is it’s his choice to create a barrier instead of work WITH you. No matter how wonderful the connection can feel, his choice to invest in this story is more important than his connection with you. This story is more important than his love for you.
The #1 thing that causes a relationship to break is the lack of respect and skillset between a couple on how to navigate challenges. Whatever this lie is, it’s real to HIM and that is what is important here. What is also important is that it sounds like trust was broken somehow. Whatever the lie is, have you ever talked to him about it from HIS perspective? Have you ever had a conversation with him where you are REALLY listening to his concerns and feelings?
I’m not sure this is repairable. My guess is, whatever this story is, it’s either big enough for it to be a non-negotiable, he wasn’t happy and this story is an excuse to end things or he is incredibly afraid. Do you have any sense if he feels any of these? When someone is putting up a wall this big, there are MANY layers of fear, hurt, anger or resentment that are being activated. You say you could have an amazing relationship, but that’s not the reality here. It sounds amazing when things are good, but not so amazing when things are not so good. It’s incredibly important that you connect to the FULL picture of your relationship, not just the good parts and not just the love you feel for him. Look at all the parts of your relationship and really be honest with yourself. What works? What doesn’t work? How can you be a better partner? How can he be a better partner?
Thoughts?
Heidi
