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Hi Tanya,
I’m sorry to hear he is treating you this way. It’s not fair and is hurtful and is a rollercoaster ride for sure! It sounds like he is just doesn’t know what he wants and is fickle.
Here is the thing Tanya, you are the one getting on that rollercoaster ride. If you don’t want to be treated that way, then it’s time to get off. He knows he can treat you that way because there are not consequences. He knows what to say and how to behave to get you to respond to him. Then he leaves. Truth is, he doesn’t have much respect for you. He doesn’t respect you, because he doesn’t even respect himself and he definitely doesn’t respect women. So if you don’t want to go through this anymore, make him work for it by setting standards and boundaries. Have you read about the “Respect Principle” in this program? I think that would be a wonderful place to start for you.
So my question to you is…what is so special about this guy that he gets to come in, connect with you, play at your heart strings and then walk away? What are you hoping to have happen?
Heidi
Hi Dalia,
I am so sorry! I’m sure this is quite shocking for you to see this side to him after being so connected.
I’m a little confused, so I just want some more details.
So basically, you didn’t want to rush the intimacy. You wanted to go slower and that is what he is mad at you about?
I also want you to understand that this is how he will treat you anytime you upset him. He will go cold, he will say mean things. You are seeing how he handles his feelings when he gets mad. This is the first time, but it definitely will not be the last. So as wonderful as the connection is with him, he is not communicating with you, he is being mean, he is not being a good partner as he won’t work WITH you to create resolution. I know you like this guy, but do you like this side of him too? Because that is what you will be dealing with for years to come. It is NOT your fault. His level of reaction is HIS fault. You were just being yourself and yes, sometimes that upsets people, but that’s just life!!! For him to go cold and become mean, THAT IS HIS RESPONSIBLITY AND PROBLEM. THAT IS HIS FAULT! So that’s the first thing I want you to really connect to. Anytime there is an argument, BOTH people are responsible, so do not take this on as being your fault.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Katherine,
Man…how frustrating! It’s quite the powerless feeling to watch someone you care so deeply about, start to make decisions that is most likely going to bring a lot of drama and chaos in their life.
You are correct in thinking that he does need to set some clear boundaries. If he were smart, he would never have let her move in. She is trying to create a “family” and get some help, but reality is, she is living in fantasy land, as he doesn’t care for her that way. The thing is, he is participating in that fantasy in order to “help” but it’s just doing more damage. It sounds like he is falling back into some old patterns and that fear is the driving factor for all of it. He has to face his fear and that is a BIG challenge. I sure hope this kid is his! He definitely should get a DNA test once it’s born!
Your choice however, is to continue and keep getting hurt, or to disconnect and hurt that way. Either path is hard and challenging. If you stay, you most likely will go on a serious roller coaster ride with him. You won’t have his full attention, you will be working against a woman who is living with him and carrying his baby and the more he stays in that design, the stronger him and the mom will be bonding as they have to create a life together as they plan for the baby coming. If you go, it could have 1 of 2 effects. You move on, you heal and he gets to deal with his choices all on his own without you OR you move on and the loss of you is something he realizes he doesn’t want to feel, so he fights for keeping you in his life. The loss of you could actually trigger the fight in him to start to create a different design. The problem is, he has a HUGE fear and trauma from his past that seems to be pretty powerful in his life still, but you never know. A lot of times, loss of someone you love can trigger that person to face their fear.
This is important for you to know about him Katherine. The choices he is making right now and how he is handling everything….none of that will go away until he faces his fear. So even if you keep hanging out and trying to figure this out WITH him, he is the kind of guy that will most likely keeping choosing her or his child over you. They are in each other’s lives for decades now. If he already is not able to set some healthy boundaries, then you are in for a very, very long and difficult journey, especially with you not being in the same location at the moment.
It’s important that you accept him for who he is. This pattern of his, will show up in many different ways in his life, even with you, as you keep getting to know each other. That definitely could be something you choose to accept and deal with for sure! I just don’t want you to head into the mindset that many people fall into thinking everything would be great if they just would change their behavior. That is a very dangerous mindset. He deserves to be loved and accepted for ALL of who he is. So if you decide to stay, everything will be about supporting him through this. Of course it’s also important you don’t lose yourself in the process, so you will have a lot to juggle.
You can also say something like this, “Listen, you are the most amazing man and I have felt things with you that have been healing, inspiring and so wonderful. I am also seeing how your fear from the trauma of your ex is still influencing you today. I get it. You know a major trauma I had and how it has affected me. I have great compassion for you on many, many levels. For right now, it’s looking like being with her and supporting her through the pregnancy and whatever else happens after that, is important. I really want to support you through this. I really want to stay connected and keep growing with you. My heart’s desire is to get to know all the levels of you. I have to be honest though, and let you know that I do not know how long I can last with this kind of design you are creating with this other woman. I am feeling myself slow way down and pulling back. I want to fight for you, but you have to fight for yourself. I can’t do that for you. I just want to be honest and let you know that the design you are creating in your life with her, ends up making me have this feeling that you will have an expiration date. I’m not there at this point, but it just feels like we are now on that path since she moved in. I don’t want to be on that path. I want the path of endless possibilities with you. So I just wanted to say something to see how you felt.”
You are not competing against her, you are competing against his fear. And that’s a BIG one. Fear wins many, many times because people won’t face it and then relationships are lost. It’s sad really. If they just faced their fear, wonderful gifts await them. And you of all people would know that!!! You took a risk and became intimate with him after the trauma you had last year! I am so sorry for that by the way. My heart sank when I read that. I would never wish that on anyone, yet I am so happy to know that you are a fighter and you are resilient. You are a role model for him!!!
I’ve said a lot, so I’ll stop there. Let me know your thoughts about what I said and we can go from there. This one is gonna take some time as there are many sensitive dynamics to this.
Heidi
Hi Francis,
Thank you for more information! This was helpful! So the thing is Francis, no one will ever get to know you, unless you use your voice. If you hold everything in, you have a BIG inside world going on, that no one knows about. When you bury thoughts and feelings like that, then the person you are with isn’t able to talk with you, because you are not being honest. It is EXTREMELY frustrating for a guy to ask his lady why she is upset and she says “nothing” or “I’m fine.” It is a VERY common frustration I hear from men all the time. The lady isn’t being honest and essentially, the man takes that answer as being a rejection. The man NEEDS to help. He LOVES to fix. When you are not being honest with a problem or a feeling, and he knows it, he just ends up feeling rejected and powerless.
I am wondering who taught you to keep everything inside? Did your parents role model that for you? Is it part of your culture?
Are you ready to start growing and changing this about yourself, or do you feel okay about it and want to stay the same?
Heidi
Hi!
Thanks for writing in! It sounds like you really love this guy! He is lucky to have a lady who cares so much and will fight for him!
How long have you guys been together?
Does he live with his mom? Or is she close by?
How close are him and his mom? Does she have a lot of power in his life?I don’t know what happened, but it sounds like he is still recovering from whatever happened. It’s a bummer that your fights were about your own parents. Give it some time. It can take a bit of time to heal after some major arguments. Do you feel you created a good resolution with each other? Do you feel you created a good solution so this doesn’t happen again? His love isn’t gone, it’s just buried beneath some of the more intense emotions he is feeling right now. I imagine his mother may also be pressuring him on some level to leave you.
The best thing for you to do right now is to give him some space and don’t pressure. You are going to see each other soon and it’s a great idea to have another talk again. You just be yourself. That is who he fell in love with and if you guys end up getting married, you will have many many moments like these. Being yourself is important. You want to ask him questions, you want to be curious about how he is feeling, you want to be kind and gracious and mostly validating of how he feels. So I would ask questions like, “You have been much less connective this week. I understand you still feel confused about us. Let’s talk about this and see if we can figure this out together. There is a part of you that isn’t sure about me anymore. What are you not sure about? Do you still feel hurt about everything that has happened? How can I be a better partner for you?”
Then when he answers, you validate what he is feeling. Let him talk honestly without having any big reactions. Just talk, seek to understand and create a calm, peaceful time with him so you can work together, as a team, on how to move forward again. In the meantime, be friendly with your texts and just patient until you are able to see him. Maybe between now and then, you could think of something he could help you with? You can activate his hero instinct in a small way. Is there anything you can think of that he could offer you advice or fix or help you with that would be an easy thing for him to do?
Heidi
Hi Ali,
It is a very tough decision for sure!! I wish love were enough though. It’s just not. Love needs to be nurtured and taken care of. Affection for you is very important and it isn’t for him. That is a VERY BIG difference. It’s like one person wanting to have a child and the other one doesn’t. It’s a deal breaker. You need to accept that you are someone who needs affection. You need to accept that he is not someone who wants to give you affection. SO now what? If you wait, what are you waiting for? For him to change? If he is willing to work on, ACTIVELY by DOING something about it and you work together to get on the same page, then absolutely go for it! But if he is not willing to work on it with you, then it really would be honoring for BOTH of you to accept your differences and head in a different direction.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Christine,
Ouch! I am so sorry!!!! He is not a very kind person. When you see someone snap like that, run the other way! If he is being that mean that you have to get away from him, that is verbal abuse. He would rather blame you as to why things aren’t working vs. taking responsibility for himself. Someone like that is carrying around so much bitterness and anger that the smallest things can set them off. That pool of negative emotions gets triggered and it is so overwhelming they just emotionally vomit on those around them.
Forgive him and let him go. Love yourself enough to stay away from someone so toxic. I’m so glad you are seeing this about him sooner than later. He is not safe. Truth be told, it doesn’t matter where the “asshole” came from…those are details you will never know. What matters is that it is there in the first place and that’s all you need to know for you to run the other way!
Heidi
Hi Francis,
Ouch! That really hurts to discover your guy, that you are giving everything to, is cheating. It’s hard to realize that with everything you offer and everything that you do for the relationship, that it isn’t enough.
You ask how to make yourself be enough? That is something that comes from WITHIN YOU. It has nothing to do with him. If you are “too passive” from his perspective, that his him saying he doesn’t really respect you very much, because most likely you don’t respect yourself very much. Have you read about the “Respect Principle” in this program? When you respect yourself, have boundaries, have standards, then the person you are with learns to treat you in a very specific way or there are consequences. If he feels you are so passive, he mostly likely believes he can do whatever he wants and you will end up forgiving him….therefore there aren’t many consequences to his choices. He is going to do what he wants.
Regardless of his viewpoint of you, what kind of person is HE that he won’t talk to you about it. Instead he decides to cheat and figures that you will get over it at some point. He is not a respectful nor honoring person! So he has his own issues!
So the place to start is with you. How do you feel about yourself? Do you agree with him that you are passive most of the time? What are you hoping to do? Forget that he is cheating and hope that if you get better, he won’t cheat anymore?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I am curious. If he gets irritated so easily when you are just being yourself, what makes you want to keep fighting for a guy that doesn’t seem to really see or value who you really are? It sounds like he just doesn’t have much left to offer you. Is there something so special about this guy that you want to be with him, even though it doesn’t sound like he really appreciates who you really are?
Heidi
Hi Jayna,
Welcome! Yikes! That hurts!!! You are very wise in seeing that he has some bad habits and he isn’t ready for you yet. If he is already “cheating” just a few months in, he is definitely not ready for anything serious. Anyone can promise what they want…”I will love you forever, I will never hurt you etc.” but reality is, not a single person on the face of this earth can make a promise like that. Life happens, stress happens and people MANY times, make decisions out of their normal character.
He is obviously showing you who he is early on and I am so glad you found out. My question to you is….what is causing you to second guess yourself and possibly give this guy another chance?
Heidi
Hi Brittney,
First of all, it is NOT YOUR FAULT for the decisions he is making. If he were unhappy or needed a break or needed something different from you, it’s HIS job to make sure he says something. Your actions do not cause anything! Your actions are your actions and you are taking responsibility for that, which is wonderful! Is he blaming you for the choice to interact with another woman???
Building the bridge means helping yourself to become more confident about yourself. Has he ever expressed that he doesn’t like how you look or felt unhappy about that? I am wondering why you think that is an issue. Either way, knowing and believing in your value is so important to creating a healthier relationship.
One of the places I suggest for people to start is with Brene Brown. She has some WONDERFUL information and a lot to teach.
Here is one video: https://youtu.be/8-JXOnFOXQk
Also, you can go to http://www.emdr.com EMDR is a very powerful technique used by therapists for healing work. See if there is a therapist in your area. You can also just google life coach in whatever city you reside in. Look at reviews and see what people think about that person. No matter which direction you head in, try a few sessions with someone and see if you resonate with them. If you don’t, that’s okay! Keep looking!
What is the current status? Are you guys talking right now?
Heidi
Hi Christina!
Just checking in….how is everything going??? Still heading in a direction you really like?
Ha! A backlit headboard???? Wow! Crafty! What color is the light? The def can be very romantic!
Heidi
Hi Pattie,
I am so sorry to hear this! That’s a pretty big emotional rollercoaster he has take you on! That is so hard and confusing and frustrating.
I’m curious, what is your typical pattern for relationships? You say you haven’t chosen well in the past…is there a pattern as far as the kind of person you are attracted to?
I wish love were enough. Unfortunately, love takes a lot of work to sustain, take care of and nurture. This guy is not doing that for you. Here is a guideline to follow. Once is just once…2x is a weak pattern…3x is a strong pattern. This guy has shown you that he has a strong pattern of sabotaging connection. He cheated, he has come back, then ghosted enough times that it lets you know there is something much deeper going on for him….basically when someone keeps sabotaging connection, they are fearful…of what? Who knows and it honestly doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you see him for who is, how he copes in life and then decide from that space….is this behavior acceptable for me? It sounds like you are at your wits end. Even if he does chase you Pattie, he will still end up sabotaging again and ghosting. You are wanting something from him that he is no able to offer you, despite the strong connection you both have with each other.
Reality is, whatever is the source of this behavior, it will not go away. It will only get worse the deeper he connects with someone. If it is ever going to change, it means he needs to dig deep and deal with whatever hurt has happened. Until he does that, he will just keep being the same guy.
So you want to continue with this guy….get your expectations in alignment with who he is. Know that he will be connective and wonderful and then at any given moment he will disappear. You, of course, have the choice to keep giving him chances and letting him explain and apologize. It is your heart and you get to do as you please. If you wish to change your hardships with relationship, then this guy is probably not the best choice for you. Love yourself enough to take care of your heart and protect it from people who don’t know how to value and care for it the way it deserves.
There are men out there that will know how to cherish your heart! That will love being around you, that cannot imagine their life without you, that have the ability to fully invest in love with you. If you want that kind of journey, you have to fight for it…and part of fighting for it, means saying no to the men who cannot offer you that kind of experience.
I know how hard that is, especially when you have love and care for him. If you stay, you will keep getting hurt, if you go, you will hurt as well as you work through letting him go. At least the latter choice has an ending. There will be a point where it won’t hurt anymore.
So it’s really up to you and what you are willing to go through.
Does all of this make sense???
Heidi
Ha! That is a rule I never would have thought of!! hahaha! Good to know!
I’m stoked you had a wonderful night of intimacy. It’s so wonderful to learn and grown and deepen with someone in many different ways! You finally learned your lesson from your previous choice and look at the reward you get!! woooohooooo!Heidi
