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Hi Brittany,
Okay….this makes a lot more sense now. Of course you are feeling insecure with everything you have been through yourself as well as with him. It’s a lot and it’s all very intense.
Are there reasons you are accusing him of cheating on you? Have you found evidence? What leads you to this thought about him?
Every time you accuse him, it breaks trust. You are communicating to him, “I don’t trust you. I don’t feel safe with you.” People have different responses to this. They look elsewhere, they put walls up, they get defensive….either way…it causes them to not feel safe with you also. So this would probably be the first place to start if you want to make some changes. Stop accusing him. Unless you have some hard, clear evidence, let it go and stop accusing him.
Is there someone you can talk to for help? You have so many intense emotions, it can be extremely helpful to talk with a coach or a therapist to help you clear that out. If you don’t, then you will just live with all of that inside and it will just continue to build and build and build. It’s not a happy way to live and it will never allow you to feel happy or safe in a relationship. You have to love and accept yourself, your choices and work through all the trauma you have been through. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
There are a lot of unanswered questions here that really only he can answer. All we can do is make an educated “guess” as to what is happening. The bottom line here is, from the beginning, I have been very suspicious about his approach towards you. I am still suspicious. You are using a lot of wonderful techniques with him and it sounds like he is responding for the most part, but there is not a lot of consistency in his actions. This is why going slow is important. It is so important to get to know someone before saying “I love you” or calling them your boyfriend/girlfriend. It takes time to see if their words and actions match each other. And so far, that is not happening for you and it’s causing you to feel very uncertain. This uncertainty is then causing you to really put pressure on him because you want to meet him. Even if you were to meet him Jessica, it still will take a lot of time to get to know him.
So truth be told, he absolutely could be playing games, he also could not. I would stop ignoring him and keep in communication with him and get to know him more. There is so much to know about each other!!!! Don’t talk about the relationship anymore, or him proving anything to you and put the visa topic on hold. If you start to connect more, talk more and just have some fun getting to know new things about each other, then I think you will start to see his truer self come out over time. Does he like talking to you? Does he ask you questions about yourself and does he seem curious to want to know you? Is there more than just “I love you” and flirty romantic interaction? Is there a good friendship that starts to develop? This is the foundation of any relationship that is going to last, so why not focus on that aspect right now? You will gather A LOT of information.
I would suggest to no longer send any more money. Do no do anything to help him. It’s the only way to find out how serious he is about you. Once you take out the “I love yous” and the flirting and see if there is a genuine interest, you will have more truth. If he doesn’t ask you questions about yourself, if he stops talking about visiting you, if he drops the subject of the visa for awhile, then you will have your answer.
The more you pressure, the more he will feel your desperation to see him and that is something that a con artist will use to their advantage. They want you to feel desperate….the more you pressure him, the more you challenge him to prove to you his words, the more he knows he has you hooked. So again, back off the subject and just wait and see.
How long should you wait? That is up to you. Everyone has a very different level of tolerance. You will know what is right for you. Maybe in your mind, you can set a 1 month or 2 month limit. At the end of that time, if he hasn’t talked about visiting you, or given you updates about his visa, then most likely he is not as interested as he is claiming.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Christina,
I’m glad everything has smoothed over! I’m really curious how….how did he end up responding? Is there a better understanding of where you both stand?
Do you still need advice on how to inspire him to ask you out and take the initiative?
So glad this program is working for you! It’s very powerful stuff!
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
I’m so glad to hear your hip is feeling so much better. Daily, chronic pain can easily cause a slow death to a person’s spirit. You have way to much life inside of you to have to go through that! I’m truly happy you get to experience your body this way!
What did you do to deserve him? I’d say it is MUCH more than just being yourself. I’m sure you were yourself many times and things didn’t work out. It’s really about finding a person who sees who you are and accepts and loves that and is not afraid of it. So really, it’s your choice to not settle. It’s your persistence to continue having experiences until you found what you were you looking for. It’s the fight you have inside of yourself to NOT settle!!!!
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I think if you keep the lines of communication open, the hero instinct is always a good technique…even for friends! Your goal is to make them feel valuable and uplifted while being in your life. Even with guys that are just friends, I use the hero instinct. They love it! But for right now, since you both are heading in different directions, let some time pass before heading in that direction. You have to re-create a friendship with him. It will take a bit of adjustment to figure each other out in this different design, but then once you guys are friend level again and everything feels more natural, you can start to implement that technique. If you implement that technique too soon, guys will feel like you are just trying to manipulate them and get their attentions back, so they can tend to be defensive. You want to build trust and safety first. He needs to feel like you really are okay just being friends first and foremost.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Of course you want to hurt him back! It’s a pretty normal human reaction. Even if you were to hurt him by saying that, you are actually hurting yourself in the process. It takes a VERY STRONG person to be graceful and kind in the middle of their pain. It is extremely difficult to do, but will yield the best results possible. Your kindness and gracefulness will inspire him to behave more that way. Your forgiveness and respect of his choice will help him feel the depths of himself vs. feeling defensive against you.
I am sending you a ton of goodness for your talk. It might be a good idea to plan to meet a friend and go for a movie after your talk. It will give your brain a break after having that conversation. Something light, silly and fun is always helpful.
I am looking forward to hearing an update!
Heidi
Oh my Peggy! You are quite the writer! Of course he is going to love it! I’m sure no person has ever written a song for him. Its touches MY heart, so I have no doubt it will touch his. I’m sure it may take a bit of time to absorb into the deeper levels, but as time goes on, as you guys continue to build trust and bond, the song will mean even more.
I”m glad to you know you are so solid in your experiences with him, that your parent’s viewpoint doesn’t shift anything for you. Sometimes, the parents can really mess things up!
You sound very peaceful and at home with this guy!
How is your hip feeling?
Heidi
Hi Peggy,
You are very, very kind for understanding all the struggles he would have about having to take care of someone. And because of that, he is inspired to be really responsive with you. Well done!
And so glad he met the parents and everything went well! All of this developing in a such a beautiful way! What did your parents think of him??? He brought a treat…..smart guy!!!
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I responded to your other post, so go check that one out.
I’ll give a simple response to this one, since you have different details here compared to the other one.
From how he is non-responsive with you, he is not appearing to be very interested anymore. He either is trying to keep you hooked for some reason or he is too afraid to break up.
Is there an agreement to be exclusive with each other? If he is on Tinder a lot, he is definitely looking and most likely going on dates. He is active on WhatsApp as well but then telling you that he is sleeping?
Something is off, so what would you like to do? Are you wanting to pursue this more and see if you can get his attentions again? Or are you wanting to find out the truth as to whether or not he is dating other women as well?
Heidi
Hi Brittney!
I am glad you are hear writing to us to get some ideas and perspective.
I just have a few questions….
What are you feeling insecure about?
How long has you been dating?
Has he cheated on you before?
Have you been cheated on in the past in other relationships?
You are still together, yes?What exactly are you interested in changing? Do you want to fight less? Do you want to feel more secure? Are you wanting to get more attention from him?
His being snappy with you about everything means he is starting to be unhappy. Are you sure he is unhappy with you? There is nothing happening at work or with his family or friends that could contribute to his mood?
Heidi
Hi Gina!
Have you ever heard of meetup? Just go to meetup.com. It’s a place where there are groups for everything and anything that you can join. That might be a good place to start instead of dating. You can look up categories of things you are interested in like “hiking” “dog walking” “recovering from a breakup” “salsa dancing”….you name it, there is a group of people doing the activities love or need help with. if you don’t want to do meetup, find and activity that love and most likely there are others meeting up to do the same thing…it’s a great distraction, it’s a great way to have fun and it’s a much more healthy and safe way for you to go through your healing.
I personally would not bring up the dating scenario. It’s not something that needs to be discussed and it can also be damaging. Imagine the message it sends to him that you are going to start dating again right away. He most likely will feel expendable and replaceable and not very valuable in your life and that couldn’t be further from the truth. When someone feels that way, they are not going to want to work on anything, so if you decide to date anyways, keep it quiet and private.
So if he wants to work things again, it’s important for you to get very clear about what that looks like FOR YOU. What EXACTLY do you need to see from him to start to feel like you are working on things? This may help him quite a bit to know exactly what you need vs. playing the guessing game.
A question I might ask is, “what is happening on the nights where you are not affectionate and have your back to me, compared to the nights where you do connect. I never know how you are going to show up each day, so what I am wondering, is what are the differences?”
It might be helpful if you spend time asking him questions and being curious so you can gain more understanding. Your questions also may help him understand himself a little better as well.
Everything you plan to say sounds good! Your goal is to be respectful and honoring your choice, taking responsibility for your side of things and letting him know that your acceptance of the space he is in, means you need to distance yourself.
It will help if you start to say these things out loud. It will help if you say it out loud to your friends, in the car, in the shower….That way, when you say it to him, you are more comfortable.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Khadijah,
It’s confusing for sure. Are you willing to let it go for right now and just keep watching? There doesn’t seem to be enough information at the moment to come to any conclusions. How about you just drop the subject and no longer talk about it and let it go. Then watch. Watch for any other signs of their relationships, watch for any changes in pattern he has and watch for anything other signs that this girl is showing up more frequently than he is claiming.
Is there any other direct way to find out if something is going on between them?
If he is ignoring your request to meet her, they may have hooked up in the past, he may be lying to her about you or vice versa….or he may just not really care for you to meet her. If they have only hung out 2x, it’s not a significant relationship at this point. You have a male best friends, so that means you he is an important person to you. She may not have that same role in his life, so this really may be nothing at all to be concerned about.
THoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kristy,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It hurts deeply to discover the person you are giving your heart to, is not giving their heart in return.
I just have a few questions.
Have you guys agreed to be exclusive?
Have you ever been cheated on before?
Has he ever cheated in his past relationships?It sounds like he really still has a connection with you. He spent quite a bit of time helping you set up your new home. How do you guys get along when NOT talking about tinder? Is that the only thing you argue about?
Heidi
Hi Celestine,
I’m so sorry to hear this! So let me see if I understand correctly. Your bf wants to break up. You think it is because of all the arguing?
How long has you been together?
Do you guys argue about the same things all the time?
Do you know why you persistently argue and have so many ups and downs?In order to create resolution and trust with someone, it’s important that you focus on YOU! It’s not about changing HIS mind, it’s about changing YOU so that you become a person he wants to be around. If there is a lot of arguing and ups and downs, then those dynamics need to change. Does that make sense?
Heidi
