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Hi Katherine,
My heart hurts for you both. You both seem to deeply love each other. I wish, so badly, that love was enough. If it were, I doubt we would have a 50% divorce rate and so many miserable people. From everything he is saying, I get his position. He is in limbo. He is trying to make everyone happy and keep the peace by not taking any action. He is not owning that his inaction is causing more harm.
So yes, I would agree that it’s time for you to walk away and close the door. By doing that, you are the one taking action to love yourself and care for yourself in the way he is not able to. You are fighting for yourself, because he is not willing to. Love needs action, love needs nourishment, love needs growth. It is a living entity that needs to be taken care of, on a daily basis. It requires attention, commitment and care. He cannot offer that to you right now. Maybe someday he will figure it out. Maybe you leaving and the loss of you, will inspire it from him. Who knows. You just have to make sure that you really break up. That means, no contact AT ALL. Many people break up but they keep talking. You really need to close the door so he can feel the effects of his inaction and mostly, so you can feel your life without him and start to deal with the hurt and loss.
You can say something like, “I love you. Deeply and in a way that lights up my world. I wish that love were enough to make this situation better. I know you love me in return. I have no doubt of that. If she were not pregnant, we would have continued down a wonderful path and created many more amazing memories. Now that she is pregnant, you have other people to think about. I am going to decide to step away from this. I understand your confusion, I understand your need to help her and protect your child. I truly honor and respect your choice to help them. The way you are choosing to help them, doesn’t leave much room for me and the kind the of love I want to share with a man. So it’s time for me to walk away. It’s time for me to let you go. My heart cannot take this uncertainty anymore. It’s not healthy for me. My choice is to stay and “hope” that at some point you figure this out, but that means my heart just keeps getting hurt in the process, so let’s both just accept that your choice is to help her and your child and that’s okay. That is what you need to do right now. If that ever changes someday, come talk to me. Who knows what could happen.”
Does this help give you an idea of how to start?
Heidi
Hi Navina,
You don’t need to complete the course to be successful. If you are still in the class, that means you are passing the tests, completing the homework and understanding the information, so you ARE successful.
It isn’t desperate or dumb. Not sure why you get that idea. I have done that a million times and always get a “I’d love to.” If you didn’t have feelings for him, you might not feel it is desperate or dumb right? It’s a very normal thing to offer a “thank you” in return for someone’s help. Then once you get him out, you can see if there is chemistry or not. Who knows, you find you might not like him as much as you think. You never know until you meet in person, how much what you are feeling is real or fantasy.
So what do you mean about your last sentence? Has he stopped responding?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
I understand your worry for him. It is incredibly hard to watch someone being slowly beaten down and not be able to do anything about it. It’s very important that you IMMEDIATELY stop that habit. Truth is, he is NOT okay. He is hurting deeply, on a daily basis. AND he is okay too. He will have to figure it out. These were the cards he was dealt, so now he gets to figure out how to survive it. You constantly asking him, are you sure you are okay, doesn’t help. What are you going to do to help anyways? There is nothing you can do for him. This is HIS problem. He could talk about it, but there is NO WAY he is going to talk about it over the phone in his own house. As long as he is near his mom, he is very smart to not mention a word about it. So you will be helping him by no longer asking him that. Respect and understand that he needs to stay silent in his home. There is a time and place to talk about things. He will talk when he is ready and only when he is in a safe place to do so. Honor and respect that. He is trying to survive right now. Does that make sense?
I would also suggest to let him know you are going to stop. He will think something is “wrong” if you are not your normal self, so you can say something like, “Listen, I’m sorry I have kept asking that. I realize you are okay and trust you will figure all of this out. I want you to know that I will stop. I haven’t been respecting your boundary, but I truly hear you and I am going to stop. It doesn’t mean that I won’t stop worrying and I may slip every once in awhile. So how about you say the code word “elephant” to remind me that I’m doing it again and I need to stop.” You guys can create any code word you want, but it needs to be funny. It can be a great way to start laughing and an easy way for someone to communicate to their partner to stop.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Yolanda,
First, thank you Lisa for your story and validation. You are doing an amazing job getting back onto your feet and grounded when the rug was pulled out from under you!
It’s terrible to be blindsided like that. It hurts deeply and is shocking. I think the shocking part is the worst…when you don’t see it coming. You feel fooled, you wonder how long it’s been going on and how could they keep lying to you and you end up questioning all the moments together and how true they really were. I’m am so sorry for both of you.
Yolanda, your life has been turned upside down. Of course you can’t imagine your life without him. You have known your life for 11 years with him in. It started out to be amazing and wonderful and everything you needed, but now it’s not ending that way. You ask what to do? That’s up to you. I cannot tell you what to you as the choice you make depends on what you are willing to deal with.
Let’s look at the truth. This is the 2nd time he has cheated on you (that you know of). He wants to blame you for not moving to where he is, he doesn’t like the relationship anymore, he lives far away and is with a new woman. These are the facts right now. If you were to fight for the relationship, first and foremost, he would need to really look at what he is doing. He has already cheated 2x which means he will do it again if he has to. He most likely would figure that you would forgive him again, since you already had 2x before. Once a cheater, always a cheater if the person never really faces themselves and looks at why they are choosing to cheat instead of being honest. That’s a BIG problem. If he is lying about this, who knows what else he is lying about. So even if he did come back to you, I doubt he is willing to do anything to get help, establish accountability and take responsibility for his choices. He doesn’t sound to be that type of person. It doesn’t even sound like he had any compassion for the pain he caused you. Did he apologize at all? Did he have any remorse? And for him to chicken out and let his current lady break the news to you is so sad. Where is his strength to be honest HIMSELF? Instead, this new girl takes over. He will keep cheating, he will keep being unhappy in his life and he will continue this cycle. This has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with the kind of person he is. Even if you had moved there Yolanda, this all would have happened in some form or another. He also blames you for not moving there instead of looking at you both as a team and working to create a resolution. Anytime someone blames and does not take responsibility for what shows up, they are blaming because they cannot handle the pain on themselves. It’s a way to make them feel better and to justify their actions. That is someone who is very weak on the inside and has very little self-esteem. So if you stay and decide to fight for him, this is the kind of guy you are choosing. And you get to choose him if you want. Your life is your design.
If you decide to let go, you will have to go through the hurt of separation. It’s horrible and difficult, but there will come a time when your life starts to normalize and your heart will hurt less. You just need some time to heal. If you decide to let go, you will be choosing yourself over him. You will be choosing to love yourself so much that you will not allow him to treat your heart with such disrespect and disregard. I know that choosing yourself over the love you feel for this man is not easy. All you feel is the love for him and how much it hurts to not have it returned. Unfortunately, it’s either you or him. If you choose him, you choose not to love yourself and you hand your heart to a man who doesn’t take care of it. If you choose yourself, you choose to no longer love him. Either way you look at it, there is an ending of either self love or loving him. A healthy relationship, there is no ending. You get to have both. If both doesn’t exist, the relationship will never last, and if it does last, it won’t be a happy, fulfilling and nourishing relationship. A healthy relationship, self love expands as your love with the other person expands. The love with someone else feeds and nourishes the self love. It sounds like it may have been like this in the beginning, but it is not what is happening now and it cannot return to that. He is not the kind of person that would be willing to do the internal, emotional work to face his baggage.
The choice is yours. I’m so sorry this is a choice you have to face. Either direction hurts a lot.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Marisela,
Wow…what a shock it must have been for both of you. How old are you both?
Having a child is a HUGE deal. Of course he has to give up a TON in his life if he chooses to stay connected. He has to give up his freedom he has to give his money, he has to give up so many choices that single people have. It’s a life long commitment and terrifying for most people, especially when it isn’t planned and with someone you barely know. It is the end of the world as you know and as he knows it. Having a baby is about creating a brand new world, with new rules, with new limitations, with a brand new design to your day. So it’s very common to get scared and change his opinion.
So I’m wondering…are you wanting him to change his mind about being a father or are you wanting him to change his mind about you as well? Are you wanting to have a relationship with him still?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
I love how much you feel for him! He truly is so lucky to have someone that loves him so much, especially in the face of his parents.
Listen…I’m going to be very upfront with you, as it’s a fine line you are walking and you don’t even know it. As long as he is under the control / influence of his mother, you will always lose. Yes, it’s important to talk and be honest, but remember that his mother has been teaching him, since he was a child, that it is NOT safe to talk. So it’s IMPOSSIBLE for someone to live many years, learning NOT to talk, to all of a sudden have a girlfriend who wants him talk, and he talks. He doesn’t feel safe to be open and honest. That takes self – esteem and it takes quite a bit of courage. If he were away from home and not dealing with his mother on a daily basis, it would be a more realistic request and something he could work on with you, but as long as his mother is there every day…she will do whatever she needs to do to keep him under her thumb. The most you can do is be supportive. Be a good listening ear and try not to ask too much from him. Understand that he is going home every day and living in a miserable home. That’s a lot to carry around. You are probably the best part of his day. Most likely, the more his mother senses he is happy, the more she will dislike you (she wants to be the only one with power in his life) and the more she will bring the hammer down on him. So he will most likely be “punished” for being happy.
This is all an educated guess about what is going on. Does any of this fit his situation?
Yes! The math thing is a perfect thing for the her instinct. What if you said something like, “You are so good at math and I am so embarrassed with how much I am struggling. Do you have it in you to help me pass my finals in October? I desperately need some help and thought I could actually pass with your help.”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Francis,
Thank you for the update. I am so proud of you that you are taking steps to grow and learn and heal. Well done! That, in and of itself, makes you quite unique and strong. You are so much more than you even realize and I am excited for you to discover that about yourself.
Keep us in the loop if you want! We are always here for continued support and questions!
Heidi
Hi Navina,
What about saying something like, “Listen…you have been so helpful. I couldn’t do this without you! Let me treat you to happy hour as a thank you. It would be fun to know a little more about the mastermind behind my success.”
Does something like this feel comfortable for you?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
This is quite the question and deserves more internal digging on your end. It’s a wonderful question and one I have asked myself before.
It can be as simple as not finding the right match for long term. I’m wondering what your age is…would you mind telling me?
Is there a pattern you can see in the kind of guys you ARE attracted to? Is there a pattern you can see in the guys you are NOT attracted to?
I know for me, if the guy was nice and wonderful, I didn’t like them…upon digging VERY deep, I discovered I believed they were boring, too easy and I didn’t respect them. I felt this way because I really wanted the challenge and the drama and the games, as that is what my father role modeled for me. So first, the challenge is what I was used to. Second, my low self esteem did not believe I deserved a guy who was attentive and wonderful…therefore, I liked all the “bad boy” types. Over time, as I kept healing and getting rid of the baggage, my tastes completely changed!!! No more bad guys and nice guys were at the front of the line!
I don’t know what your story is, but maybe this will help you make some connections as to what your patterns are and what they mean. Give me some ideas and some history of your relationships and we can keep talking about this.
Heidi
Hi Tania,
I can see why this is confusing. Of course you want more attention. He connected with you and then has pulled away. Does he ever initiate contact with you? Do you not have each other’s phone numbers? Is he always saying he is busy?
Heidi
Hi Pamela,
Wow…you are really dealing with a lot! I am so sorry! That is so hard to discover the person you have committed your life to…is not being honest and breaking integrity. It hurts. I am so glad you both are getting some help for this! That is wonderful and gives you a fighting chance for sure!
Would you mind explaining a little further how you think therapy competes with what we are teaching here? It all works extremely well together. Can you give me the specific concepts you feel compete with therapy?
Heidi
Hi Francis,
My heart goes out to you. Staying quiet would have been a survival mechanism. Children figure out different ways to keep the peace as best they can. For you, it was becoming silent.
Here is the thing about coping mechanisms…they serve us well and help when we are children, but then as we get older, they end up hurting us and causing us a lot of challenge. So as a child, staying quiet helped you on some level. As an adult, staying quiet is hurting you.
The abuse is no longer happening. You have full capability to design your own life now. You need to make your matter TO YOU. Your feelings, your words, your thoughts all matter. If they don’t matter to you, they will not matter to anyone else. This is the place to start.
Do you ever journal? That also can be a good place to get used to expressing what is going on inside.
I would also strongly recommend to find a therapist or specialist of some sort. They can work with you, help you learn new skills, help you step by step to use your voice and make it matter. Right now, it would be terrifying for you. It helps tremendously to have someone by your side, creating a safe space for you and helping you feel relevant, valued and important. That kind of childhood and history can really prevent you from moving forward and growing emotionally. You are worth knowing, you are worth loving, you are worth fighting for Francis. It’s time for you to start to feel that!
Are you able / willing to get some help?
Heidi
Hi Tammy,
I am so sorry to hear this!
How long is this no contact rule being enforced?
Do you understand the reasons of why he is seeking a divorce?
Do you feel it is fixable?
How old are your children?Heidi
Hi Katherine,
Wow! Thank you so much for your compliments and trust in me. I do not take that lightly and fully embrace the kind words you have shared. You made my day! Thank you!
First, I just want to comment how wonderfully clear and grounded you are about this situation. I have much respect for you that you are not spending any energy on being angry, hurtful or shaming/blaming any person in this situation. You just care. You want each person to have a full, happy life that is full of potential!
It’s an interesting thing to watch a situation and know what is happening, understand the dynamics and watch people make decisions that are not the most effective. Being a coach on this forum, the biggest struggle I have is to not be attached to the outcome. I read about situations where the lady is heading into a massive “car crash” and no matter what I say or how I guide, I still have to honor where she is at and trust the process. I have learned, over many years, that although she may be heading into a “car crash,” the pain and the lessons learned are far more valuable than if she had avoided it in the first place. Essentially, you are watching your guy make decisions that could cause an incredible amount of hurt for everyone involved, especially the child. You are sensitive to that, of course. Your challenge is to NOT JUDGE that path. It is INCREDIBLY hard to do. If you trust that whatever path a person ends up, part of that path is about developing resilience, learning to forgive and choosing love over resentment, kindness instead of harm, learning how to be gracious in the middle of your pain…those characteristics, those choices are what develops someone. So even if he chooses this other woman and their child, it’s a journey that they will take and have to figure out. That child will get hurt. Every child gets hurt. They will have to learn how to forgive, how to be resilient, how to have compassion for others….or they won’t learn that. That is the path of the child to take and they will learn what they need to learn.
As far as talking to your guy, instead of thinking about offering guidance, so to speak, why not approach him with curiosity. Asking him questions like, “You have an incredibly beautiful heart. I can see that you care deeply for your child and you care about not wanting to hurt this other woman. I’m wondering, and only you can answer this, do you feel like you are creating this design with her because you are afraid of breaking up or because you truly just want to help. Or maybe it’s a little bit of both?” Another question could be, “What scares you the most about all of this?”
Essentially, what I am getting at with this, is instead of offering guidance, pretend you are a reporter and need a TON of detail to write an accurate story about this situation. Get curious and ask a lot of questions. It will help him feel cared about, it will get him thinking in a new way possibly, getting him talking can help him process more. He may also ask for your opinions as well, but don’t offer it unless he asks…just for now.
I think this would be the best place to start. You both care deeply for each other, so maybe getting more info and bonding through talking and questions and curiosity without any negative reactions…it can help bring more clarity to the situation.
Does this make sense? If you need more ideas for questions, just let us know!
Heidi
