Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hello!
I’m glad you feel comfortable and can identify with a way to talk with him!
I do still want to warn you though. You have been with someone for 13 years and just this month ceased romantic relations. Your heart shut down because you were hurting and felt rejected and your heart was not being nourished. Then comes along Tyler and opened you back up again. You haven’t had any time to truly grieve the loss of your ex. You haven’t had any alone time to really process all that you were feeling. You jumped right back into a relationship again and all of a sudden the hurt and the pain instantly went away. That means that Tyler is a good band-aid. He feels good. He is meeting your needs in a way that your ex hasn’t done in quite awhile.
I just want you to be aware that possibly down the road, feelings are going to come up about your ex. Being that you never really processed all the hurt and loss and you are just now signing the divorce papers, all those feelings will get buried. Tyler is making you feel good now, but eventually, those unresolved feelings will return in some form or another.
So in a sense, Tyler is a rebound. Rebounds are people that take away the pain immediately after a breakup. If you had spent some time alone and really dealt with figuring out who you were without your ex, designing your new life and felt all the hurt from the loss….THEN met Tyler, you would have had a clean slate to start over with him.
I’m not saying this can’t work with Tyler or that you should break up or anything. All I want you to do, is to be aware of yourself and how you are feeling. There are MANY layers in those 12 years. Don’t be surprised if you start to get ancy, or you find yourself picking fights with Tyler, or you find yourself sabotaging in some way. When and if you start to notice those feelings, PAY ATTENTION! You most likely have some feelings popping up that never got dealt with completely about your ex. Face them, work through it, be honest with yourself and then you and Tyler will have a fighting chance! None of that stuff will most likely show up later on down the road. For right now, you get to feel an amazing connection with a man and you get to bathe in his attention and connection with you. Enjoy it and let it help heal your heart!!!
I’d like to know what you think about all of this and where you feel you are at emotionally. And, of course, we will be waiting for an update about how your conversation went!
Heidi
Hi!
Thank you for sharing your story! It sounds like you have a pretty wonderful connection with Tyler. I think it’s a great idea that you are going to file for divorce sooner than later. You might be surprised that feelings come up. It’s officially an ending. I have helped people through these moments many times and most people are completely taken aback that they end up having a reaction as they felt complete prior to the divorce papers showing up.
How long have you and your ex been separated now? How long were you together?
Tyler has a valid reason to be concerned. The best thing you can do is to validate that concern. When you tell him “No…you aren’t a rebound,” it’s discounting how he would be feeling. Instead, if you validate his feelings, it then can become something you solve together vs. you proving anything to him.
I would suggest telling him during the date and not after sex or at the end of the night. You can say something like, “Listen….I understand your concern and worry about being my rebound guy. It makes sense and anyone in their right mind would have that concern. I can tell you all I want how that isn’t true for me, but reality is, time with me is the only thing that can build your trust in my feelings for you. I just want you to know that I”m game. If you want to slow things down, I understand. I have felt you pull back a little since I told you and I don’t blame you. I just want you to know that I understand and I am patient. You are worth waiting for. You are an experience I have never had before and I am all in and completely interested in taking a long journey with you. With that being said, my first action was that I filed for divorce today. I realized from the reaction you had, that it wasn’t worth it to wait anymore. It broke my heart to see your reaction and after I thought about it, I realized I probably would have had the same exact reaction if the roles were reversed. So….it’s time to create an official ending…..”
HOw does this make you feel saying something like that?
Heidi
Hi Navina,
You can also take the approach or mentioning something about yourself that if personal. That can, many times, lead into a conversation. Something like, “I’ve been working so hard and studying so much, so I finally decided to take a brain break and head to a movie. I saw ____________ Do you like movies? If you do, you definitely should go check that one out” Or maybe you could say that you went on a hike and does he like hiking….or you went to the grocery store and you cooked the most amazing meal….and ask if he likes to cook. Or you can even say….what do you do to have fun and take a break from all the hard work every day?
I want to re-iterate what Kanya is saying. I understand it’s scary and it is normal. You can do this though! You are strong enough to handle whatever ends up happening. Trust yourself. Trust that you have the ability to handle the rejection if that is what happens. Trust that you also have the ability to have a good conversation with him and that you are strong enough to stretch yourself out of your comfort zone. That is how you grow! “Life begins at the edge of your comfort zone.” The more you practice facing your fears and your discomfort, the stronger you become. It’s worth it!!!! We will be right here with you to help you through the whole thing….no matter what happens.
Heidi
HI Stephanie,
I am so glad you have come to that realization! It’s a powerful one and can make all the difference in the world in relationships. I am so happy to hear that you are experiencing that with your current guy!!!
What helped you shift your ideas into finally asking for help? Just curious.
Heidi
HI Melanie,
I know how hard it’s going to be to take a step back again. When your heart gets attached like that, trying to disconnect is very painful. It’s been 7 years. Even though he is divorced, he is still not available for you. It might be a good time to really let go. Let your heart find some closure and heal. You can’t heal as long as you keep getting pulled back into the situation. He knows he has enough power in your life to pull you back in anytime he needs you. When you have feelings that strong, it’s impossible to resist him! Maybe consider the idea of really letting him go and no longer having any contact. Trying to be friends when you are still in love with someone, just doesn’t work. It’s impossible. It never really allows you to move on either. There are other possibilities that could be there for you, but as long as you keep your heart tied up with this guy, who is not available for you, then you will not be able to see other possibilities.
You may not be ready for something like this, but that’s okay. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to hold on longer. It’s up to you. I wanted to plant the idea in your head, so that maybe at some point, you will fight harder for the well being of your very sacred and special heart. I believe that once you fight for yourself in that way and start to treat yourself as if you are valuable and worth fighting for, you will find the calm you are seeking.
Heidi
HI Cheryl,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! I just have a few questions so we can direct you a little better.
1. Does he know you have seen the message?
2. You are POSITIVE he is cheating? You are POSITIVE it has turned physical?
3. Were you supposed to go on vacation or something and that was when you got sick and he invited someone else? Am I understanding correctly?
4. Can you think of any reason why this would have happened? Did he seem unhappy at all in the marriage?
5. What is the condition of your marriage at the moment?Add as much detail as you feel would be helpful. The more the better! Hang in there Cheryl! Keep breathing. This will all work out somehow.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Happy belated birthday!!!
Of course you act differently with a guy you are interested in! That is totally normal! You do want to impress and create a desire in the guy to chase you.
Is there a pattern of the type of guy you are attracted to? The ones that don’t work out….why don’t things workout? Is there even a pattern in that?
I’m glad you have done a lot of work on yourself already! That’s great! It will make this process so much easier!Heidi
Hi Zoi,
Oh my goodness! So completely confusing!!! I imagine you are lost and completely confused and frustrated as well.
You did a great job trying to talk to him about it, but he wasn’t really giving you very much information. Are you sure he is not dating someone else? Usually when someone flips a switch like that, an event has happened. They met someone new, they lost their job, someone dies…basically something stressful enough to cause and overnight shift in emotions.
Or….he may have been feeling like that for awhile and just never told you.
The thing is Zoi, there is nothing to fix. You did nothing wrong. He is not giving you any feedback on what to fix anyways, so you are left in the dark wondering what the heck happened.
He did respond to you breaking up though. You putting up some boundaries and having respect for yourself, that seemed to pull him back in. Maybe you can keep trying that and see what happens. Stop texting him and initiating with him. See if he eventually will respond and start to initiate with you again.
Either way, he is obviously very confused. He tells you one moment he loves you, then wants some space. Then he texts you for your birthday and you guys get intimate, but he doesn’t want to get back together. You give him more space and then even break up with him and he asks you on a date to a wedding. He is so back and forth that it really is up to you how much you want to put your heart through. This is not about him deciding what he wants, this is about you accepting that he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants. There is nothing for you to fix as he isn’t giving you any info. about what needs to be fixed. So you can either keep going on this rollercoaster ride and keep getting hurt, or decide to cut it off and deal with the hurt of losing him.
It is such an incredibly tough decision. It sounds like you both were having such a wonderful time and then out of nowhere, it changed and he is not telling you the real reason why. I am so sorry!!!
Let me know your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Navina,
Have you ever asked him any personal questions?
A guy needs a little encouragement. He may think you don’t like him unless you flirt a little or show interest in him beyond his help.
There are many questions to ask….what have you asked him so far, if any?Heidi
Hi Genevieve!
What a cool question! That must make you feel amazing!!!!
Whether or not you date them is up to you. I think it just depends on what YOU want to get out of it. On their end, they most likely just want to have some fun and say they were with an older woman. It’s can be a pretty cool notch on their bedpost so to speak. I would not advise to take them seriously though. They have no clue who they are at that age, so if you want to just have some fun, have at it! If you feel like you could start to fall for one of them and start to develop deeper feelings, I would suggest you get out fast and sever relations. They will take you on a rollercoaster ride with your heart. No matter the age, your heart deserves to be treated better than that!
Does this make sense? What do you think? Out of curiosity, is this through an online dating platform that they found you? If so, I would be very, very careful and extremely cautious for many reasons.
Heidi
Hi Elena,
So good to hear from you again!
You sound like you are doing amazing well! In regards to the guy…you have many, many days that occupied your mind with him…you have many memories together. It’s going to take some time to create a different type of relationship with him. You are doing such an incredible job at catching it right when it happens. That’s the goal!! and then you immediately begin to connect back into yourself and do your self healing work, so you can get back to your center and the truth. I have no doubt he will continue to text you and do everything he can to pull you back into the old pattern. He had it made!!!! He wants to keep it that way. You shifting, is really good for him. It’s holding him accountable to what he is doing and making him face himself in ways that wasn’t willing. You are being a good friend to him and to yourself.
As far as the I love you, every day….I LOVE IT!!! Yes…when you think that others are judging you, it’s really you judging you. And reality is too Elena, sometimes people really are not interested in talking. I have a gazillion conversations all the time. I am also very sensitive and can instantly feel if someone is connected into what I am saying…or even interested in talking. It happens more often than not, where I sense someone is not interested in talking. I listen to that and honor the space they are in and I do what I can to disconnect in that moment. It’s no fun to be talking with someone who doesn’t really want to be there. It’s okay! Maybe they don’t like talking to you, maybe they have a lot of stress and can’t focus, maybe the subject doesn’t interest them…who knows! It doesn’t really matter. It’s not personal. Even if they are judging you, it just means they are judging themselves. It’s important to be okay with that because truth be told, humans judge all the time!!!! We can’t help it!!! It is part of our nature and as we wake up to who we are more and more, we can start to shift that about ourselves. So even if you don’t talk to someone eye to eye, they will judge you. So it doesn’t really matter does it? If you look at them or don’t look at them, they are gonna judge you sometimes. So your goal is to love yourself anyways and stay connected to the truth….NO ONE ELSE HAS THE ABILITY TO DEFINE YOUR VALUE. You define your value.
Keep doing that exercise! It can take awhile. You have a gazillion thoughts of judging yourself, so once a day saying you love yourself, is impactful, but you are also climbing an uphill battle. However, every time you say it with heart, every time you find the beauty that you are and you FEEL it, it’s VERY powerful!!!!
Let me know what you think of this article:
http://www.drjoedispenza.com/blog/change/the-habit-of-your-new-self/
Heidi
Hi Elena,
So good to hear from you again!
You sound like you are doing amazing well! In regards to the guy…you have many, many days that occupied your mind with him…you have many memories together. It’s going to take some time to create a different type of relationship with him. You are doing such an incredible job at catching it right when it happens. That’s the goal!! and then you immediately begin to connect back into yourself and do your self healing work, so you can get back to your center and the truth. I have no doubt he will continue to text you and do everything he can to pull you back into the old pattern. He had it made!!!! He wants to keep it that way. You shifting, is really good for him. It’s holding him accountable to what he is doing and making him face himself in ways that wasn’t willing. You are being a good friend to him and to yourself.
As far as the I love you, every day….I LOVE IT!!! Yes…when you think that others are judging you, it’s really you judging you. And reality is too Elena, sometimes people really are not interested in talking. I have a gazillion conversations all the time. I am also very sensitive and can instantly feel if someone is connected into what I am saying…or even interested in talking. It happens more often than not, where I sense someone is not interested in talking. I listen to that and honor the space they are in and I do what I can to disconnect in that moment. It’s no fun to be talking with someone who doesn’t really want to be there. It’s okay! Maybe they don’t like talking to you, maybe they have a lot of stress and can’t focus, maybe the subject doesn’t interest them…who knows! It doesn’t really matter. It’s not personal. Even if they are judging you, it just means they are judging themselves. It’s important to be okay with that because truth be told, humans judge all the time!!!! We can’t help it!!! It is part of our nature and as we wake up to who we are more and more, we can start to shift that about ourselves. So even if you don’t talk to someone eye to eye, they will judge you. So it doesn’t really matter does it? If you look at them or don’t look at them, they are gonna judge you sometimes. So your goal is to love yourself anyways and stay connected to the truth….NO ONE ELSE HAS THE ABILITY TO DEFINE YOUR VALUE. You define your value.
Keep doing that exercise! It can take awhile. You have a gazillion thoughts of judging yourself, so once a day saying you love yourself, is impactful, but you are also climbing an uphill battle. However, every time you say it with heart, every time you find the beauty that you are and you FEEL it, it’s VERY powerful!!!!
Let me know what you think of this article:
http://www.drjoedispenza.com/blog/change/the-habit-of-your-new-self/
Heidi
Hi Melanie!
These details help a lot more. It sounds like he is just scared. What he is specifically scared of? Only he knows that. He could be scared of relationship again, which is VERY common post divorce. He could be scared of his x still trying to take everything. It could be a mixture of both. Maybe he just wants to date and have fun for right now…also very common after divorce. Either way, he is not ready to move forward into anything more serious right now. He most likely needs some closure first with the divorce. He probably still needs to figure out who he is separate than his life as a husband. Do you know why they are getting divorced? Is his ex being quite aggressive through the breakup at all?
I think your best bet for right now, is to just lay low. If you want to stay in relationship with him, then just be friends or continue with the FWB without expecting anything more than that. He needs some time to just have his life the way he wants it. Who knows how long that will take. That is where you have to get very realistic about who he is and the space he is in. If you are going to accept him for who he is, that means you stop having any expectations or needs that he can give you anything more than what he is right now. If that doesn’t work for you, then it might be time to let the idea of him go. It might be time for you to realize he is not able to offer you what you want.
Either way, for right now, give some space and let HIM initiate the relationship and see what happens. If you disconnect a bit, it gives the guy some room to chase. If he doesn’t chase, then you have some decisions to make at that point.
Keep talking to us! I love how light bulbs go off in the mind when starting to type stuff out! So keep at it and keep talking this through with us!
Heidi
Hi Melanie,
I can see why you are confused. I’m not sure that I am clear about your current status with him. Do you guys still hook up every once in awhile?
The thing about friends with benefits, is that the guy doesn’t take the girl very seriously in that type of design. If you are wanting something more serious, then you have to change the design of how you interact.
I’m curious…why do you think he pulled away when you pushed for relationship? What was his excuse?
I’m wondering if he is still pretty shy about getting serious. He isn’t even divorced yet. I wonder why that hasn’t happened yet. DO you know?
Heidi
Hi Pamela,
Activating his hero instinct is what you use to help build connection and appreciation. It’s very separate than the therapy you are doing. Yes, he needs to dive deep into what caused him to break his integrity. It doesn’t mean that there can be little things that you create, that provide him the opportunity to help you and then receive appreciation from you. So things like, helping bring in the groceries, fixing something, asking for advice about something, asking for favors…but instead of doing it in a boring way, you want to do it in a way that inspire him to want to help…so saying something like, “You would be seriously amazing if you could help me bring in the groceries. It would make my life so much easier right now and I promise I make it worth your while later…wink wink” So the hero instinct is about YOU contributing to him feeling useful, needed and helpful in your life. It should go right along with therapy and not contradict anything. It’s just a small thing to implement into your relationship every once in awhile.
Does this make better sense? If not, I can explain it a different way.
How is therapy going? Do you feel it is helping? Are you learning anything new?
Heidi
