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Hi Holly,
I’m curious. You said he knows how amazing he is and a lot women feel the same way as you do. How do you know this?
I would suggest to no longer initiate contact. If he is really interested in seeing you, he will make plans. He is very non-committal in how he is talking. He is in your home town and if he cannot make something happen while he is there, either he really, truly is having hard time and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be with a woman right now (which is very likely) or he is just not that interested to make any further advances. Either way, he needs the space and time. If he is still interested in you, he will make it known. I would suggest to give him a set amount of time (maybe 2 weeks). If he doesn’t initiate contact by then, it might be time for you to let the idea go and move on.
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Kerry,
I know everything was great for 4 months. The beginning is usually really easy. It takes time for fears, insecurities and negative beliefs to show up.
You are right in that he most likely DOES desire a deep connection. Most people do, but like I said, the fear gets activated and gets so big, that it becomes stronger than his desire to love and connect. This is my best guess at what’s happening. If something is “missing” inside of him, he knows it. Again, LISTEN to what he is saying.
I think the best way to re-connect is back to a friendship level. If he feels the pressure is off, you guys can build a great friendship and build up some trust with each other. He can learn that he is safe around you and having you in his life is better than not.
Is there anything you need help with? If you ask him for help with something, it could be a good way to re-connect and go from there. When you do see him, stay light, fun, connective and charming.
What do you think?
heidi
Hi Zoi,
Sorry we missed your message! I am glad you are staring to feel ready for closure. It’s so hard and it’s even more difficult when there is confusion involved. He really did send you a lot of mixed messages. I tend to pay more attention to the actions someone shows me vs. the words. Both are important and BOTH need to be in alignment to know what is true for someone, in any given moment. He was telling you one thing and then showing you another. It may have been intentional or he truly may have been confused. Who knows. At this point, it doesn’t really matter as it’s over and it’s time for you to create a different path.
I typically advise people to just keep the closure basic and simple. If you were to have a face to face conversation about what was happening in the relationship, then it would be more appropriate. But being that you guys are no longer in that kind of communication, saying something short and simple is good. Your feelings and experiences and opinions do matter. The thing is, you always want to make sure that whomever you share all of that with, thinks it matters as well! I have a feeling that he may not really be interested in all of your experiences and how he made you feel towards the end. And then that would just expose you to feeling even more rejected.
So you can say something like, “I just wanted to create closure on my end. I know you have already moved on, but now I am going to move on and really let you go. It’s time for me to accept your choice. I just wanted you to know that. I won’t be contacting you anymore. I wish you the best of luck and will walk away appreciating everything we got to share together. Take care!”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi April!
It sounds like something has happened. Usually, whenever there is a sudden change in someone’s feelings, something has happened. He got triggered somehow and isn’t sharing with you whatever has happened or how he is feeling. It sounds like he is wanting time to sort things out. I’m guessing he still really likes you and that is why he is asking for more time vs. just cutting everything off right away. That means there is a little hope left.
I would suggest to take a breath and just let him come to you when he is ready. Give him the space and time and compassion as it sounds like he is dealing with something pretty difficult.
You can always message him saying, “I don’t understand what is happening, but that’s okay. I do miss you and I hope that at some point we can re-connect. Until then, know that I am sending you some good vibes and hope everything is okay. Take care.”
If he feels, on any level, that you are mad at him or disgruntled, he will not want to re-connect as he doesn’t want to get yelled at. If he knows you will be a good listener, be open and receptive, he may respond to you sooner than later.
You can send him that message or something similar, so he knows you are safe and won’t yell at him and then leave him be. Give him some time. After a few weeks, if he hasn’t responded, you can try activating his her instinct to get him to re-connect.
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Rachel,
An easy going quality can definitely lead into over extending yourself and being a people pleaser….which leads into staying quiet and not confronting or voicing your true feelings. People pleasers usually have an entire INTERNAL world, just to themselves and no one knows. Then one day, their internal world gets so filled up, they HAVE to take action and whatever that action is, most people are totally surprised, because they never saw it coming. It’s a WONDERFUL quality and it is a quality, when out of balance, that can really sabotage relationship.
Have you ever heard of Brene Brown? She has some WONDERFUL youtube videos that can really help people heal, feel validated and learn new ways to deal with the challenges of life. Here is a video that may help some.
Heidi
Here is a video talking about it. Not my favorite, but she is actually mostly acturate. There is a TON of info about it. You should do some reading about it and see what you think!
In the meantime, it is crucial that you keep loving and taking care of yourself. Movies are a GREAT help. It’s a good 2 hour brain break. Watch movies where the main characters struggle and then heal. It will help you to watch that and know that you can heal too…no matter what happens. Go visit some animals! Getting around animals can be quite healing. They are so connective and can be very loving!!! Is there a shelter nearby? You can even volunteer there and help walk the dogs or something like that. Or go to a pet store and play with some kittens! Is there any hobby like latin dancing, painting, sculptures, knitting…anything that can bring some fun into your life??? Start those up!!! Give yourself a project to do that fills up your heart right now. What about volunteering with kids or somewhere where you can help other people. That can always be very healing as well!!!! You can really connect with people while helping them in their time of need.
Thoughts?
HeidiHi Rachel,
I totally get it! My last boyfriend had that same affect on me! I knew, from day 1, without a doubt that we would NOT last, yet we had the MOST WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP I have ever had! When we split, it was healthy, kind and it was just time. I had broken up so many times in my life, but for whatever reason, this breakup knocked me off my feet in a way I had never known before. I could eat, I was constantly in pain, constantly thinking about him (it didn’t help that we worked together…lol). It was the most painful breakup I had ever had. I know that if he were to show up in front of me in this very moment, those crazy butterflied would jump in my stomach in an instant! I would never get back together with him, but it would take every ounce of strength to hold to that for sure! I’ve read a lot about this kind of stuff. There is a common term I have come across in my readings called “the twin flame.” Basically, it’s like having a relationship with a specific someone who once was a part of you. So imagine you both were one flame, split into 2, came to earth as 2 different people and then you found each other here on earth and it’s a match like no other. It’s deep, it’s effortless, it’s natural, it’s very real, there are no words to even explain how it feels. So when trying to separate from a twin flame, it feels impossible. It feels like you lost a part of yourself. It is extremely difficult! I wish being in a relationship with your twin flame was a guaranteed success, but it’s not. Both people still need to make that choice. Many times, it doesn’t work because it is so intense and 1 or both people just don’t have the capacity to handle it.
Hi Rachel,
I totally get it! My last boyfriend had that same affect on me! I knew, from day 1, without a doubt that we would NOT last, yet we had the MOST WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP I have ever had! When we split, it was healthy, kind and it was just time. I had broken up so many times in my life, but for whatever reason, this breakup knocked me off my feet in a way I had never known before. I could eat, I was constantly in pain, constantly thinking about him (it didn’t help that we worked together…lol). It was the most painful breakup I had ever had. I know that if he were to show up in front of me in this very moment, those crazy butterflied would jump in my stomach in an instant! I would never get back together with him, but it would take every ounce of strength to hold to that for sure! I’ve read a lot about this kind of stuff. There is a common term I have come across in my readings called “the twin flame.” Basically, it’s like having a relationship with a specific someone who once was a part of you. So imagine you both were one flame, split into 2, came to earth as 2 different people and then you found each other here on earth and it’s a match like no other. It’s deep, it’s effortless, it’s natural, it’s very real, there are no words to even explain how it feels. So when trying to separate from a twin flame, it feels impossible. It feels like you lost a part of yourself. It is extremely difficult! I wish being in a relationship with your twin flame was a guaranteed success, but it’s not. Both people still need to make that choice. Many times, it doesn’t work because it is so intense and 1 or both people just don’t have the capacity to handle it.
Hi Fong,
I wanted to check in again and see how you are doing. I imagine you are struggling as your feelings and connection with this guy are very strong.
It’s a tough situation. I have coached many couples / singles who end up dealing with different viewpoints on children. My ultimate goal is to get them on the same page…whether it means they continue to grow together or they go separate ways. I wish love and connection were enough to make a relationship last. We wouldn’t have a 50% divorce rate if that were all it took. Reality is though, like-mindedness is crucial. Without heading in the same direction of your lives, a relationship will not last.
He wants the option of children. You are at an age where adopting would be the safest option for you guys. Is that something you guys have talked about? Or maybe a surrogate? It sounds like this is the only thing standing in the way. Would you agree? If you were younger, you feel he would have chosen to stay with you and have children with you?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I understand your struggle. He sounds so romantic and gentle and caring and connective. Everything you have explained is sooooooo wonderful to experience! This is what makes disconnecting feel impossible. When you bond on that level, when you feel cared for on that level, the thought of disconnecting from someone who makes you feel so wonderful…it just hurts the heart like crazy.
As wonderful as he is, you can only “lead a horse to water, you cannot force it to drink.” It’s such a sad thing because you KNOW that if he were to just face his fears, he would get to experience and even more amazing love with you as you guys grew closer. His fear is big enough for him, that it is causing him to run and there is nothing you can do about that. It’s sad that he is choosing to run. Who knows though…many times, something will happen and could shift his fear enough to where he would become more willing to re-connect. Being that he is not a strong communicator, any relationship is going to be difficult with him, especially long term. Communication challenges are always rated in the top 3 reasons why people get divorced. He is in for a very lonely and challenging life if he doesn’t start to work on that part of himself.
There are plenty of gentleman that communicate really well. I promise they are out there….AND they are romantic and passionate and connective as well. They do exist. I have worked with them and they come across my path many times. But for right now, this is about you getting very clear. For right now, keep working on healing your heart. In about a month you can contact him, asking for help and then see what happens. I would steer clear of contacting his mother for right now as well. He needs to have her as HIS support system…even if he doesn’t talk about it. Her loyalty belongs with him.
Do you feel you are able to do this??? I’m not saying it’s over. I’m saying it might be a good time to really take a complete break from all of it, gain perspective, let your heart heal a bit and THEN re-evaluate in about a month.
What do you think?
Heidi
Oh Jean,
I am so sorry to hear this! Or course you cried. Something like that really hurts. I am wondering if the handful of conversations about his addiction is what is causing him to put walls around his heart. An addiction to anything will interfere with a relationship. Truth be told Jean, I’m not sure you would want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who prioritizes porn and pictures over you. You will always play second fiddle to his addiction. He knows that and I imagine he would not want to hurt you that way. He knows it’s a problem, but reality is, as long as he is single and not really attached, he gets to have his relationship with porn without anybody bothering him about it.
Maybe it’s time for you to really look at whether or not this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. He is not much of a team player when it comes to facing challenges. It sounds like he wasn’t interested in understanding, nor working with you and your experiences. It sounds like it was pretty much all about him, it is what it is and you have to deal with it. Is this the kind of person you want to go through life with? Love and connection are not enough to sustain a relationship. What truly sustains a relationship are 2 people who are willing to work with each other, respect each other, listen to each other and care enough about the other person to work on changing the parts that are causing harm to a relationship.
So you are at a point now, where you either completely accept this and never discuss it again, or it’s time for you to consider if this is how you want to feel all the time. You may be able to get over your own insecurities over time, but the truth that he would choose his porn and pictures over a relationship with you….I’m not sure that is something anyone is meant to “get over.”
I know this hurts. Your heart is breaking and you have a lot of things to think about and a decision to face. I am so sorry! We are here for you. Keep talking to us. We can keep helping you through this, no matter which path you choose!
Heidi
HI Jean,
That was a very brave letter that you wrote. I’m really proud of you that you took that step and are voicing how you are feeling! That, first and foremost, is the most important aspect here. You are giving your voice some power and you are fighting for your needs and the relationship. Well done! I’m really curious to see how this ends up.
Just a little coaching tip. A lot of your letter is pointing out his limitations and the deficiencies in the relationship. That is most likely going to make him feel defensive instantly. When you want someone to be open and connective with you about a very sensitive topic, again, you want to pose questions and be curious vs. telling them what they did wrong. So instead of telling him how looking at pictures makes you feel insecure and competitive, you could say something like, “When you look at pictures, I end up feeling insecure and competitive. I realize those are just my own insecurities, so I would like to talk about some creative ways that could help with that. I promise to keep working on my own insecurities too. Let’s meet up later and figure this out together! I’ll make your favorite dinner and dessert over candlelight and we can just spend some time getting to know each other as we maneuver through this.”
Does this make sense?? Do you feel the difference?
Heidi
Linda!
Good luck! Trust that you guys have the strength in your friendship to figure this out! We can’t wait to hear how things go on Saturday. Looking forward to your update!
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I can see why you are completely confused still. Thank you for sharing more details.
Being that this is his first serious relationship, I am guessing that he is terrified on some level and probably doesn’t even really know it. He said that he was worried you would start to resent each other. Where the heck did that come from??? That “worry” just lets you know he has some underlying beliefs about relationships that have nothing to do with you. He is a bit on the older side for never having been in a serious relationship before. Do you know what his parent’s were like? Does he have a good relationship with them? That belief about possibly resenting each other came from somewhere. And if that worry is there, I guarantee there are other worries along with that.
My guess is, you are dealing with a huge brick wall around his heart that is full of all kinds of negative beliefs about love and relationships. The happier he feels, the more that wall becomes fragile and his system will not allow that. So naturally, that wall will make his fears VERY BIG so that he is inspired to re-enforce that wall vs. break it down. It has nothing to do with you.
He really needs to face this if he is going to move forward with you. Is he the type of guy that would be willing to work with a coach or therapist? I imagine maybe not because he has such a hard time communicating. And that is something you really need to pay attention to. I understand you both have a strong attraction and connection. Your experiences with each other sound absolutely amazing! The truth also is that he has a hard time communicating and he is most likely dealing with a giant fear. Those are pretty big deal breakers right there. You can’t work through things if one person won’t talk and you can’t grow together is one person is not willing to face their fears. You need a partner when big challenges show up and it doesn’t look like he fits the profile for that.
I think it’s a great idea to slow things down and do the 30 days of no talking. You can use this time to really evaluate what you want in a relationship and if this guy can offer that for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jeanine,
I am so so sorry. It sounds like you had a wonderful connection!
My guess is that he just got really scared. It’s not unusual actually. It’s a very strange thing us humans do. The happier we get, the more we will sabotage. It’s called the “Upper Limit” where it’s a person’s capacity to be happy. That limit is determined by our beliefs and how much low self esteem we have. So someone who has had a great life, good role modeling about love and relationships, their ability to be happy is MUCH higher than those who have had abuse, neglect, abandonment, poor role modeling. The negative stuff in our lives create negative beliefs about love. Therefore, when someone has negative beliefs about love, when someone comes along and makes them REALLY happy, eventually they will cut it off because that “happiness” triggers that VERY STRONG negative belief about love. And many times, that belief is much stronger than their desire to be happy. Now…understand that the majority of people have no clue about this concept. It’s a very subconscious thing that happens. When he says he doesn’t know what’s happening and his feelings are changing and it’s not fair to you and he doesn’t have time blah blah blah….those are classic excuses / words of showing that he reached his limit to be happy. In order to expand that limit and make it higher, it means facing his fears….and THAT is very uncomfortable and journey a lot of people won’t make.
Does this make sense?
You haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, you have done everything so wonderfully that it scared the crap out of him! What can you do? I can suggest to stay away for 30 days and let him feel his life without you in it. Sometimes this is a GREAT motivator! At the end of 30 days, you can reconnect and activate his hero instinct. Find something you can ask him help with.
What do you think?
Heidi
