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Hi Jean,
I’m just going to continue on with this thread, so make sure you just keep posting here, instead of the other one…that way, we can all have a conversation in one place.
First off, I am so sorry to hear about your husband and your loss. Did you ever get any help to process that? It’s such an intense experience!!!
I sounds like has an addiction. He is dealing with an alcohol addiction and now heading into pot and definitely some type of addiction to sexual pictures. It doesn’t sound like he is willing to really look at this as an “issue.” He rationalizes it by saying “they are just pictures” but truth is, he is having a chemical reaction in his body to looking at those pictures and there is an addiction that is happening. He recently gave up alcohol, he now is having to take Viagra, he is smoking a lot of pot. He is dealing with A LOT!!! To not be able to get a hard on is EXTREMELY challenging for a man.
The thing is, until he really realizes that are consequences to looking at these pictures (like he realized he could die if he doesn’t stop drinking), then he will continue on with his life. His girlfriend is accepting of this behavior, so why should he change anything??? Again, just like what Kanya said, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! This is about him and his relationship with his own sexuality and all of that existed before you came into the picture. He could have one of those porn stars that he looks at, as a girlfriend, and it’s guaranteed he would still look at pics and porn.
So you have a choice to make. First, understand this is who he is. You probably know better than anyone, that when it comes to an addiction, a person will face when they are ready, and no sooner. He has no reason to face it, because it’s not costing him anything. If you are uncomfortable with this behavior, maybe it’s time to have a more serious conversation about it. Maybe it’s time to consider that this type of design in a relationship doesn’t work for you.
Let me know your thoughts before we go any further!
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
How disappointing!!! It’s really shocking to think you are on the same page and then find out you aren’t.
I’m wondering if it has something to do with his job. How old is he? Although his job is becoming more strenuous, is it stable? Does he have enough money to help support a family?
Tell me a little more about the talk you guys had. What was his response when you mentioned wanting to go to the next step? I imagine you suggested moving in together maybe? What was his energy like during this talk? Was he open and receptive and adding to the conversation, or did he seem unsure?
Was there anything about the relationship that was challenging? Meaning, did you guy argue at all? Or were things going really, really well?
Heidi
Hi Linda,
What an interesting situation! You guys ARE acting like a couple without being a couple.
Have you guys ever had the conversation about being something more? There is no doubt the thoughts are there, on both ends, but has it ever been talked about or admitted to? Do you know why he doesn’t date? 10 years is a looooong time to not go on any dates. Is he afraid of something?
The challenge here is, you both have found a way to be connected without being in a relationship and it works. The moment you change something, it’s gonna shake things up quite a bit. Reality is, it is a big risk. If you want to move into a romantic relationship with him, you are definitely going to risk losing him as a friend. If it doesn’t work out for some reason, it’s just going to change the dynamics of your friendship….not permanently, but definitely for a season.
How long have you wanted to be more romantic with him? It sounds like the idea of romance was entertained in the very beginning. Do you sense, at all, that he has any romantic feelings for you?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
This is a tough one. It is a valid red flag. He may have a hard time really committing to something and following through. When the woman is more driven than the man, it can be problematic as the woman doesn’t end up respecting the man.
First and foremost, I guarantee that even you mentioning this and you guys talking about, it won’t change who he is. He is like this for a reason. It may be because of some past trauma, it may be a personality trait of his, I don’t know. Either way, it is who he is and he deserves to be accepted for that. So in moving forward, you need to decide to either let this go or part ways. You CANNOT enter into a relationship hoping for the guy to change how he lives his life. He deserves to be accepted for exactly who he is.
You can learn more about it though. Have you asked any questions about it? You can ask things like, “I don’t know what it feels like to have a lot of different jobs. I grew up in a family that is very driven and creates what they want. I sometimes have wondered what it would feel like to have the freedom to experience life that way. Tell me about it! What does it feel like?”
Let him teach you about himself and you may find more of the core reason as to why he is this way. Is it a pattern that shows up only for work, or does it show up elsewhere in his life? That is something you also want to look for. Any commitment issues? I know he is willing to jump in with you, but I”m wondering more about his sustainability. How long does he usually stay with a girl?
Just some things to think about.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I’m so sorry about this. You have a choice to make. You can either accept that this is his decision to handle it in the way he knows is appropriate, or you break it off and move on with your life.
The thing is, you don’t know his mother nor the consequences he will face in trying to change her mind. He is scared, as he should be. You can pressure him all you want or try to inspire him to convince his mother otherwise, but it may just end up being a big barrier that comes between you guys.
If you want to stay with him, you need to accept his choice. You want to have children and get married. You are very solid in your belief about that. Imagine him trying to talk you into changing your mind about that and what you feel is important. You want his mother to change her mind, why don’t you change your mind? You and her both want things to be a very specific way and neither of you are willing to budge. So you guys are actually not that different than each other. Can you understand this???
Are you willing to be more flexible? It might be the only way you can keep him in your life.
Heidi
Hi Jean,
This is a great question!!!
It’s a simple answer, but far from a simple solution. The answer is, you are NOT supposed to compete with them. The moment you head into competition, that is the moment you start judging yourself and making yourself “less than.” The truth is, you are who you are and there is no mistake in that. He either loves you for exactly who you are or there is a problem. Does he ever compare you to these pics? Does he ever complain about how you look? Does he ever mention being dis-satisfied with how you look?
No…you are not being too sensitive. It sounds like he is dealing with some level of addiction. Is Chive the only thing he looks at? Does he watch porn as well?
Have you ever been honest about how you feel awkward? Have you talked about his need to do this? Has he been looking at these pics since the beginning of you guys dating, or is this something fairly new? How long have you been dating?
I know…a lot of questions….the more detail the better!
Heidi
Hi Zoi,
it’s so frustrating dealing with situations like this because there are just no answers. It would make everything so much easier if he were just more honest or aware of himself. The fact that he downloaded Tinder again means he is ready to move on. He is not texting you because he most likely is dating again and is creating some distance from you.
I think it’s a great idea for you to create closure. You can something like, “It’s time for me to create some closure. I don’t understand what happened and probably never will. What I do know though, is that I cannot continue in this way anymore. It’s clear you want to move on and so it’s time for me to move on as well. I wish you all the best. Take care.”
Keep it short, simple, sweet and DO NOT go into any emotion. The more emotional you get, the less change of him even responding in return. Keep it simple, light and basically saying you accept his decision and that you are going to move on as well. That’s it.
It will help greatly as your heart will now get to heal. You cannot heal a broken heart as long as there is continued connection. This closure is important for you, most of all.
How do you feel about that?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
wow….he is in a really tough position. What is your current situation? Are you guys still together? If his mother is wanting him to date someone from his culture, then is she pressuring him to breakup with you? I am wondering if maybe there is a way for you to get closer to the mother. My guess is, it’s a losing battle to try to get him to choose you over her or for him to try to change his mother’s mind. What if YOU change her mind. Get closer to her and start to bond with her. Do little bits at a time so you can grow on her more and more, very slowly. Maybe she will give her blessing at some point.
You guys have been together for 9 years. How long was the relationship secret? How does his mother treat you? Do you all hang out together at all? What is the relationship like between you and his mother?
Heidi
Hi Fong!
I am so sorry you are going through this! It’s heartbreaking….he is sending a lot of mixed signals and that is the problem here. You can be as amazing as you are, but it is not changing that he is not 100% aligned…his actions and words.
I just worked with a client today who is heartbroken. She spent a year chasing after this man. They had an AMAZING connection. When they were together, you could just see that they belonged together. However, from the very beginning, he was very clear he did not want a commitment. Throughout the year, he dated other women and still chose to connect with her. She finally put her foot down this last week and he still would not shift. He did not want a committed relationship, despite the wonderful love they had together.
The thing is Fong, anytime someone is split…their actions and words do not match, that is a BIG warning sign. You will be battling with that part that doesn’t want to commit for a very long time. The harder you push, the strong that part will get them to resist.
Your best bet is to just be friends with him. Many times, when the pressure is off, the guy may find himself opening up to the idea. The reality you have to deal with is that he is not interested in a commitment, whether or not he loves you. Love is not enough. Connection is not enough. You both have to be on the same page in order to grow together and that is what is missing here.
It’s going to hurt to see him date other ladies. He is very clear that this is what he wants to do, so it would be best that you listen to what he is saying and honor his choice. I know that is much easier said than done. You have a choice…stay connected and deal with a lot of heartache because you are seeing him date other women and you want more from him…..or you face the heartache of letting him go and moving on with your life. Either path hurts. The second path at least has an ending and the chance to heal. As long as you stay connected with a guy who is not in alignment with you, you are just going to keep getting hurt over and over again. It’s your choice. I wish there were an easy fix for something like this. He sure is missing out on you!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Just go and have yourself a good time! It doesn’t matter what he thinks as to whether you are going because he will be there or not. You just go and have yourself a good time and that’s all you gotta do. If you run into him, just say hello and be friendly and then move on. Don’t connect too much as that could possibly make him feel like you are chasing him. If it’s possible to gain his attention again, it means him chasing you. So kind of do a “drive by” and then make sure the rest of the time, you are laughing and having fun.
Does this make sense? Hope you got this in time!
Heidi
HI Barbara,
Wow! There is a lot going on here. There are many, many layers and feelings on both sides.
Should you stay or go? That really is up to you. Reality is, you both need some help to figure things out. You don’t want to fight for a relationship that is only going to end up being exactly the same way. A lot of things needs to change. He may have told you about those moments that caused him to cut off, but reality is, there were A LOT of things building up to that point.
My first question is, do you think he is willing to work on things? Is he willing to take responsibility for himself and willing to work on things that need changing? ARe you willing to do the same?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. That is a lot!!!
I want to invite you to take a step back for a bit. You are asking him to work on a relationship with you. He can’t even take care of himself right now. He has to get his addictions under control first and foremost. Otherwise, he will lose his life. He has been cheating on you for 9 years. This guy is a mess and doesn’t know who he is.
So for you to ask him to work on a relationship whilst he is just now working on getting his addictions under control…it’s just too much for someone to handle. He has so many emotions he is dealing with inside.
Are you willing to just give him some space? You don’t even know if you can trust him yet. He doesn’t even know if he can trust himself to live his life without drugs and alcohol. Are you willing to let him do that?
You might also consider doing Alanon or something of that nature. It’s very intense being in a relationship, on any level, with an addict. It might help you to find some support for yourself. I know you admitted to some of your own contributions to the downfall of this relationship. That’s great! Have you gotten any help for yourself so you can work on those areas so you can improve on those aspects?
I know I have said a lot and probably a lot of what you don’t want to hear. I want to hear your thoughts on all of it!
HeidiHi Melissa,
Let’s explore this a little more! So he claims he is busy and that marriage adds more pressure. I wonder what his opinion is about marriage. He obviously has some idea about what marriage means that scares him to death. Has he ever talked about his parents? I imagine they are divorced. The younger the child, the more impactful that is. Maybe he made a pact with himself to NEVER get married. Those kinds of things are usually buried in the subconscious.
I’d like to invite you to try a different mindset with him. Instead of thinking, “I need to convince him” try thinking, “I want to inspire him.” You don’t want to “convince” anyone into marriage. That is your heart you are talking about. If you think you have to “convince” someone that you are valuable enough to marry, the is not valuing yourself very well. Instead, you want to learn more about him. You want to learn about what is stopping him…the real reason. You want to help him build trust in that idea.
He is obviously scared…whatever the reason, doesn’t matter. And there is some truth to that fear. Getting married and falling in love is a risk, no matter what. It is a lot of pressure for man. First, there is marriage, then there is the child….and slowly but surely, the “single” life disappears and it becomes something very different. It’s scary! Marriage is not a guarantee either. That is scary. So I would suggest to start talking about marriage but instead of convincing him it’s going to be okay, you want to validate whatever he is afraid of. Make him feel heard, make him feel understood, make him feel respected for however he feels. This would be just the beginning.
I want to also invite you to explore the idea of why YOU want to get married. Is it really that important? Pressuring your guy into marriage really could drive a wedge between you guys. Is it worth it? What if he never wants to get married? Are you willing to still stay with him and grow in other ways? There are many many people who never get married and feel 100% content with the love of their life. Would you maybe consider this idea?
Heidi
Hi Pamela!
Being a strong woman is VERY helpful in this situation. A strong woman knows herself. She knows what she needs. She has healthy boundaries. She has standards and requires to be treated to the quality she knows she is. That is so important for EVERY relationship and every single situation. That strength will help to create a better space for respect. That strength lets any person know that you have the ability to take care of yourself. So anyone who comes into your life COMPLIMENTS your life and doesn’t “complete” your life. Does this make sense?
I am curious. It’s unusual for a couple not to argue. If you are not arguing every once in awhile, that could possibly mean that either of you, or both of you are not being honest and connected to all of your feelings. It could mean that there actually are a lot of feelings not being shared with each other, therefore, there is never anything to have a conflict about. It could also mean there isn’t a lot of passion. It’s possibly you guy just got comfortable with each other and stopped working to create the romance and passion that can exist in a relationship. What are you thoughts about this?
Men do love to be needed. Have you read about how to activate the “hero instinct?” It’s so great! I use that technique all the time…even with my friends. I have seen it happen many times where the woman just does everything and the man lets her. The man, most of the time, has no clue. It usually takes the woman to wake him out of his slumber and start asking him to “help” her (even though she doesn’t need it) and reward him when he does. It makes the guy feel pretty fantastic!!!
Would love more of your thoughts!!!
Hi Cheryl,
The only way to know what happened is to talk with him. He is the one who has the answers. Otherwise, you are just playing a big guessing game.
Sometimes, it can help to say things in a specific way so that the person doesn’t feel defensive and cut off. It may work, it may not, but either way, you 2 need to have a conversation if you want your husband back.
You can start by saying something like, “You are my husband. I have loved you through many up and downs and I still want to. We are faced with a challenge right now and I really want to work through it with you and understand. I know you are with someone else. I’ve known for awhile and I’ve been trying to figure out where I went wrong. Maybe I did something or didn’t do something that would inspire you to look elsewhere. I want to understand. I want my husband back, but I am realizing that is not going to happen unless we are both honest with each other and decide to work this. Is this a conversation you are willing to have with me?”
What do you think?
Heidi
