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Hi Melissa,
I’m so sorry about this. You have a choice to make. You can either accept that this is his decision to handle it in the way he knows is appropriate, or you break it off and move on with your life.
The thing is, you don’t know his mother nor the consequences he will face in trying to change her mind. He is scared, as he should be. You can pressure him all you want or try to inspire him to convince his mother otherwise, but it may just end up being a big barrier that comes between you guys.
If you want to stay with him, you need to accept his choice. You want to have children and get married. You are very solid in your belief about that. Imagine him trying to talk you into changing your mind about that and what you feel is important. You want his mother to change her mind, why don’t you change your mind? You and her both want things to be a very specific way and neither of you are willing to budge. So you guys are actually not that different than each other. Can you understand this???
Are you willing to be more flexible? It might be the only way you can keep him in your life.
Heidi
Hi Jean,
This is a great question!!!
It’s a simple answer, but far from a simple solution. The answer is, you are NOT supposed to compete with them. The moment you head into competition, that is the moment you start judging yourself and making yourself “less than.” The truth is, you are who you are and there is no mistake in that. He either loves you for exactly who you are or there is a problem. Does he ever compare you to these pics? Does he ever complain about how you look? Does he ever mention being dis-satisfied with how you look?
No…you are not being too sensitive. It sounds like he is dealing with some level of addiction. Is Chive the only thing he looks at? Does he watch porn as well?
Have you ever been honest about how you feel awkward? Have you talked about his need to do this? Has he been looking at these pics since the beginning of you guys dating, or is this something fairly new? How long have you been dating?
I know…a lot of questions….the more detail the better!
Heidi
Hi Zoi,
it’s so frustrating dealing with situations like this because there are just no answers. It would make everything so much easier if he were just more honest or aware of himself. The fact that he downloaded Tinder again means he is ready to move on. He is not texting you because he most likely is dating again and is creating some distance from you.
I think it’s a great idea for you to create closure. You can something like, “It’s time for me to create some closure. I don’t understand what happened and probably never will. What I do know though, is that I cannot continue in this way anymore. It’s clear you want to move on and so it’s time for me to move on as well. I wish you all the best. Take care.”
Keep it short, simple, sweet and DO NOT go into any emotion. The more emotional you get, the less change of him even responding in return. Keep it simple, light and basically saying you accept his decision and that you are going to move on as well. That’s it.
It will help greatly as your heart will now get to heal. You cannot heal a broken heart as long as there is continued connection. This closure is important for you, most of all.
How do you feel about that?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
wow….he is in a really tough position. What is your current situation? Are you guys still together? If his mother is wanting him to date someone from his culture, then is she pressuring him to breakup with you? I am wondering if maybe there is a way for you to get closer to the mother. My guess is, it’s a losing battle to try to get him to choose you over her or for him to try to change his mother’s mind. What if YOU change her mind. Get closer to her and start to bond with her. Do little bits at a time so you can grow on her more and more, very slowly. Maybe she will give her blessing at some point.
You guys have been together for 9 years. How long was the relationship secret? How does his mother treat you? Do you all hang out together at all? What is the relationship like between you and his mother?
Heidi
Hi Fong!
I am so sorry you are going through this! It’s heartbreaking….he is sending a lot of mixed signals and that is the problem here. You can be as amazing as you are, but it is not changing that he is not 100% aligned…his actions and words.
I just worked with a client today who is heartbroken. She spent a year chasing after this man. They had an AMAZING connection. When they were together, you could just see that they belonged together. However, from the very beginning, he was very clear he did not want a commitment. Throughout the year, he dated other women and still chose to connect with her. She finally put her foot down this last week and he still would not shift. He did not want a committed relationship, despite the wonderful love they had together.
The thing is Fong, anytime someone is split…their actions and words do not match, that is a BIG warning sign. You will be battling with that part that doesn’t want to commit for a very long time. The harder you push, the strong that part will get them to resist.
Your best bet is to just be friends with him. Many times, when the pressure is off, the guy may find himself opening up to the idea. The reality you have to deal with is that he is not interested in a commitment, whether or not he loves you. Love is not enough. Connection is not enough. You both have to be on the same page in order to grow together and that is what is missing here.
It’s going to hurt to see him date other ladies. He is very clear that this is what he wants to do, so it would be best that you listen to what he is saying and honor his choice. I know that is much easier said than done. You have a choice…stay connected and deal with a lot of heartache because you are seeing him date other women and you want more from him…..or you face the heartache of letting him go and moving on with your life. Either path hurts. The second path at least has an ending and the chance to heal. As long as you stay connected with a guy who is not in alignment with you, you are just going to keep getting hurt over and over again. It’s your choice. I wish there were an easy fix for something like this. He sure is missing out on you!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Just go and have yourself a good time! It doesn’t matter what he thinks as to whether you are going because he will be there or not. You just go and have yourself a good time and that’s all you gotta do. If you run into him, just say hello and be friendly and then move on. Don’t connect too much as that could possibly make him feel like you are chasing him. If it’s possible to gain his attention again, it means him chasing you. So kind of do a “drive by” and then make sure the rest of the time, you are laughing and having fun.
Does this make sense? Hope you got this in time!
Heidi
HI Barbara,
Wow! There is a lot going on here. There are many, many layers and feelings on both sides.
Should you stay or go? That really is up to you. Reality is, you both need some help to figure things out. You don’t want to fight for a relationship that is only going to end up being exactly the same way. A lot of things needs to change. He may have told you about those moments that caused him to cut off, but reality is, there were A LOT of things building up to that point.
My first question is, do you think he is willing to work on things? Is he willing to take responsibility for himself and willing to work on things that need changing? ARe you willing to do the same?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. That is a lot!!!
I want to invite you to take a step back for a bit. You are asking him to work on a relationship with you. He can’t even take care of himself right now. He has to get his addictions under control first and foremost. Otherwise, he will lose his life. He has been cheating on you for 9 years. This guy is a mess and doesn’t know who he is.
So for you to ask him to work on a relationship whilst he is just now working on getting his addictions under control…it’s just too much for someone to handle. He has so many emotions he is dealing with inside.
Are you willing to just give him some space? You don’t even know if you can trust him yet. He doesn’t even know if he can trust himself to live his life without drugs and alcohol. Are you willing to let him do that?
You might also consider doing Alanon or something of that nature. It’s very intense being in a relationship, on any level, with an addict. It might help you to find some support for yourself. I know you admitted to some of your own contributions to the downfall of this relationship. That’s great! Have you gotten any help for yourself so you can work on those areas so you can improve on those aspects?
I know I have said a lot and probably a lot of what you don’t want to hear. I want to hear your thoughts on all of it!
HeidiHi Melissa,
Let’s explore this a little more! So he claims he is busy and that marriage adds more pressure. I wonder what his opinion is about marriage. He obviously has some idea about what marriage means that scares him to death. Has he ever talked about his parents? I imagine they are divorced. The younger the child, the more impactful that is. Maybe he made a pact with himself to NEVER get married. Those kinds of things are usually buried in the subconscious.
I’d like to invite you to try a different mindset with him. Instead of thinking, “I need to convince him” try thinking, “I want to inspire him.” You don’t want to “convince” anyone into marriage. That is your heart you are talking about. If you think you have to “convince” someone that you are valuable enough to marry, the is not valuing yourself very well. Instead, you want to learn more about him. You want to learn about what is stopping him…the real reason. You want to help him build trust in that idea.
He is obviously scared…whatever the reason, doesn’t matter. And there is some truth to that fear. Getting married and falling in love is a risk, no matter what. It is a lot of pressure for man. First, there is marriage, then there is the child….and slowly but surely, the “single” life disappears and it becomes something very different. It’s scary! Marriage is not a guarantee either. That is scary. So I would suggest to start talking about marriage but instead of convincing him it’s going to be okay, you want to validate whatever he is afraid of. Make him feel heard, make him feel understood, make him feel respected for however he feels. This would be just the beginning.
I want to also invite you to explore the idea of why YOU want to get married. Is it really that important? Pressuring your guy into marriage really could drive a wedge between you guys. Is it worth it? What if he never wants to get married? Are you willing to still stay with him and grow in other ways? There are many many people who never get married and feel 100% content with the love of their life. Would you maybe consider this idea?
Heidi
Hi Pamela!
Being a strong woman is VERY helpful in this situation. A strong woman knows herself. She knows what she needs. She has healthy boundaries. She has standards and requires to be treated to the quality she knows she is. That is so important for EVERY relationship and every single situation. That strength will help to create a better space for respect. That strength lets any person know that you have the ability to take care of yourself. So anyone who comes into your life COMPLIMENTS your life and doesn’t “complete” your life. Does this make sense?
I am curious. It’s unusual for a couple not to argue. If you are not arguing every once in awhile, that could possibly mean that either of you, or both of you are not being honest and connected to all of your feelings. It could mean that there actually are a lot of feelings not being shared with each other, therefore, there is never anything to have a conflict about. It could also mean there isn’t a lot of passion. It’s possibly you guy just got comfortable with each other and stopped working to create the romance and passion that can exist in a relationship. What are you thoughts about this?
Men do love to be needed. Have you read about how to activate the “hero instinct?” It’s so great! I use that technique all the time…even with my friends. I have seen it happen many times where the woman just does everything and the man lets her. The man, most of the time, has no clue. It usually takes the woman to wake him out of his slumber and start asking him to “help” her (even though she doesn’t need it) and reward him when he does. It makes the guy feel pretty fantastic!!!
Would love more of your thoughts!!!
Hi Cheryl,
The only way to know what happened is to talk with him. He is the one who has the answers. Otherwise, you are just playing a big guessing game.
Sometimes, it can help to say things in a specific way so that the person doesn’t feel defensive and cut off. It may work, it may not, but either way, you 2 need to have a conversation if you want your husband back.
You can start by saying something like, “You are my husband. I have loved you through many up and downs and I still want to. We are faced with a challenge right now and I really want to work through it with you and understand. I know you are with someone else. I’ve known for awhile and I’ve been trying to figure out where I went wrong. Maybe I did something or didn’t do something that would inspire you to look elsewhere. I want to understand. I want my husband back, but I am realizing that is not going to happen unless we are both honest with each other and decide to work this. Is this a conversation you are willing to have with me?”
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Melanie!
Well done! You made a decision and it sounds like, regardless of the hurt you are feeling, you feel very clear about your choice. That’s important. It will allow your heart to heal. The gift of the pain is that it will help you stay away. When you remember the hurt of this time around, it will help you resist next time when he tries to create something with you. You are finally loving yourself enough to say, “No more!” My heart cannot and will not go through this anymore.
Anytime he starts to pop back up in your mind, you tell yourself over and over and over again, “It’s over. I’m done. I want something different and I am going to fight for that.”
It’s kind of like reminding a child of the boundaries. The child may throw a tantrum because you are saying no, but as the parent, you know what is best for that child. So you keep in your strength by telling that part of you, “No. We are not going to invest in him anymore. No, it’s over. No, it’s time to say goodbye and look forward.” Does this make sense?You can do this! You ARE strong enough! The more you care about yourself and what you put yourself through, the easier it will become to resist his advances.
Besides, we are always here to help you through whenever those sticky situation arise. Write to us…tell us what you are thinking and feeling and we can walk you through it. You are not alone in this!
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I love that you have discovered these new ideas. Self help is great for just that reason. People offer ideas that come from a different perspective than your own. Therefore, the more perspectives you read about, the more you have the power to create the kind of relationship you want, because you have more information! Being in relationship is no different than a job. At a job, the way you get better and become invaluable to the company, is by growing and performing at peak levels. You do that by learning. Same with relationship (to yourself as well as another). The more you learn and implement what resonates with you, the better partner you are. It’s wonderful!
And good job hooking up with a guy who has a mom as a therapist!!! Woooohooo! I know that wasn’t intentional, but still…take advantage of that! His mom will LOVE that she can help you love her son better!
Heidi
Hi Candace,
I imagine that he may be pulling back because he does have a “kind of girlfriend.” If he is being intimate with someone and there is some level of commitment there, he needs to stick to his integrity and not get tempted by you.
I have no doubt he will contact you again. You guys are connected and have a loooong history. I would give him some space and let him know that there is no pressure and that you are going to back off.
You can say something like, “Hey….I realize that my desire to want to be with you, kind of messed things up. Besides, you have someone in your life right now and it’s important for me to respect that. My apologies. I really would like to connect again and just be friends.”
Let him figure out what he is doing about this other girl first. Re-connect and be friends again, then when he is all straightened out, you can address your desire for more.
I am assuming that is what you want, correct? You want to be in a relationship with him right? Or were you wanting to just have some fun with him?
Heidi
Hello!
I’m glad you feel comfortable and can identify with a way to talk with him!
I do still want to warn you though. You have been with someone for 13 years and just this month ceased romantic relations. Your heart shut down because you were hurting and felt rejected and your heart was not being nourished. Then comes along Tyler and opened you back up again. You haven’t had any time to truly grieve the loss of your ex. You haven’t had any alone time to really process all that you were feeling. You jumped right back into a relationship again and all of a sudden the hurt and the pain instantly went away. That means that Tyler is a good band-aid. He feels good. He is meeting your needs in a way that your ex hasn’t done in quite awhile.
I just want you to be aware that possibly down the road, feelings are going to come up about your ex. Being that you never really processed all the hurt and loss and you are just now signing the divorce papers, all those feelings will get buried. Tyler is making you feel good now, but eventually, those unresolved feelings will return in some form or another.
So in a sense, Tyler is a rebound. Rebounds are people that take away the pain immediately after a breakup. If you had spent some time alone and really dealt with figuring out who you were without your ex, designing your new life and felt all the hurt from the loss….THEN met Tyler, you would have had a clean slate to start over with him.
I’m not saying this can’t work with Tyler or that you should break up or anything. All I want you to do, is to be aware of yourself and how you are feeling. There are MANY layers in those 12 years. Don’t be surprised if you start to get ancy, or you find yourself picking fights with Tyler, or you find yourself sabotaging in some way. When and if you start to notice those feelings, PAY ATTENTION! You most likely have some feelings popping up that never got dealt with completely about your ex. Face them, work through it, be honest with yourself and then you and Tyler will have a fighting chance! None of that stuff will most likely show up later on down the road. For right now, you get to feel an amazing connection with a man and you get to bathe in his attention and connection with you. Enjoy it and let it help heal your heart!!!
I’d like to know what you think about all of this and where you feel you are at emotionally. And, of course, we will be waiting for an update about how your conversation went!
Heidi
