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HI Melanie,
I know how hard it’s going to be to take a step back again. When your heart gets attached like that, trying to disconnect is very painful. It’s been 7 years. Even though he is divorced, he is still not available for you. It might be a good time to really let go. Let your heart find some closure and heal. You can’t heal as long as you keep getting pulled back into the situation. He knows he has enough power in your life to pull you back in anytime he needs you. When you have feelings that strong, it’s impossible to resist him! Maybe consider the idea of really letting him go and no longer having any contact. Trying to be friends when you are still in love with someone, just doesn’t work. It’s impossible. It never really allows you to move on either. There are other possibilities that could be there for you, but as long as you keep your heart tied up with this guy, who is not available for you, then you will not be able to see other possibilities.
You may not be ready for something like this, but that’s okay. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to hold on longer. It’s up to you. I wanted to plant the idea in your head, so that maybe at some point, you will fight harder for the well being of your very sacred and special heart. I believe that once you fight for yourself in that way and start to treat yourself as if you are valuable and worth fighting for, you will find the calm you are seeking.
Heidi
HI Cheryl,
I am so sorry for what you are going through! I just have a few questions so we can direct you a little better.
1. Does he know you have seen the message?
2. You are POSITIVE he is cheating? You are POSITIVE it has turned physical?
3. Were you supposed to go on vacation or something and that was when you got sick and he invited someone else? Am I understanding correctly?
4. Can you think of any reason why this would have happened? Did he seem unhappy at all in the marriage?
5. What is the condition of your marriage at the moment?Add as much detail as you feel would be helpful. The more the better! Hang in there Cheryl! Keep breathing. This will all work out somehow.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Happy belated birthday!!!
Of course you act differently with a guy you are interested in! That is totally normal! You do want to impress and create a desire in the guy to chase you.
Is there a pattern of the type of guy you are attracted to? The ones that don’t work out….why don’t things workout? Is there even a pattern in that?
I’m glad you have done a lot of work on yourself already! That’s great! It will make this process so much easier!Heidi
Hi Zoi,
Oh my goodness! So completely confusing!!! I imagine you are lost and completely confused and frustrated as well.
You did a great job trying to talk to him about it, but he wasn’t really giving you very much information. Are you sure he is not dating someone else? Usually when someone flips a switch like that, an event has happened. They met someone new, they lost their job, someone dies…basically something stressful enough to cause and overnight shift in emotions.
Or….he may have been feeling like that for awhile and just never told you.
The thing is Zoi, there is nothing to fix. You did nothing wrong. He is not giving you any feedback on what to fix anyways, so you are left in the dark wondering what the heck happened.
He did respond to you breaking up though. You putting up some boundaries and having respect for yourself, that seemed to pull him back in. Maybe you can keep trying that and see what happens. Stop texting him and initiating with him. See if he eventually will respond and start to initiate with you again.
Either way, he is obviously very confused. He tells you one moment he loves you, then wants some space. Then he texts you for your birthday and you guys get intimate, but he doesn’t want to get back together. You give him more space and then even break up with him and he asks you on a date to a wedding. He is so back and forth that it really is up to you how much you want to put your heart through. This is not about him deciding what he wants, this is about you accepting that he is confused and doesn’t know what he wants. There is nothing for you to fix as he isn’t giving you any info. about what needs to be fixed. So you can either keep going on this rollercoaster ride and keep getting hurt, or decide to cut it off and deal with the hurt of losing him.
It is such an incredibly tough decision. It sounds like you both were having such a wonderful time and then out of nowhere, it changed and he is not telling you the real reason why. I am so sorry!!!
Let me know your thoughts!
Heidi
Hi Navina,
Have you ever asked him any personal questions?
A guy needs a little encouragement. He may think you don’t like him unless you flirt a little or show interest in him beyond his help.
There are many questions to ask….what have you asked him so far, if any?Heidi
Hi Genevieve!
What a cool question! That must make you feel amazing!!!!
Whether or not you date them is up to you. I think it just depends on what YOU want to get out of it. On their end, they most likely just want to have some fun and say they were with an older woman. It’s can be a pretty cool notch on their bedpost so to speak. I would not advise to take them seriously though. They have no clue who they are at that age, so if you want to just have some fun, have at it! If you feel like you could start to fall for one of them and start to develop deeper feelings, I would suggest you get out fast and sever relations. They will take you on a rollercoaster ride with your heart. No matter the age, your heart deserves to be treated better than that!
Does this make sense? What do you think? Out of curiosity, is this through an online dating platform that they found you? If so, I would be very, very careful and extremely cautious for many reasons.
Heidi
Hi Elena,
So good to hear from you again!
You sound like you are doing amazing well! In regards to the guy…you have many, many days that occupied your mind with him…you have many memories together. It’s going to take some time to create a different type of relationship with him. You are doing such an incredible job at catching it right when it happens. That’s the goal!! and then you immediately begin to connect back into yourself and do your self healing work, so you can get back to your center and the truth. I have no doubt he will continue to text you and do everything he can to pull you back into the old pattern. He had it made!!!! He wants to keep it that way. You shifting, is really good for him. It’s holding him accountable to what he is doing and making him face himself in ways that wasn’t willing. You are being a good friend to him and to yourself.
As far as the I love you, every day….I LOVE IT!!! Yes…when you think that others are judging you, it’s really you judging you. And reality is too Elena, sometimes people really are not interested in talking. I have a gazillion conversations all the time. I am also very sensitive and can instantly feel if someone is connected into what I am saying…or even interested in talking. It happens more often than not, where I sense someone is not interested in talking. I listen to that and honor the space they are in and I do what I can to disconnect in that moment. It’s no fun to be talking with someone who doesn’t really want to be there. It’s okay! Maybe they don’t like talking to you, maybe they have a lot of stress and can’t focus, maybe the subject doesn’t interest them…who knows! It doesn’t really matter. It’s not personal. Even if they are judging you, it just means they are judging themselves. It’s important to be okay with that because truth be told, humans judge all the time!!!! We can’t help it!!! It is part of our nature and as we wake up to who we are more and more, we can start to shift that about ourselves. So even if you don’t talk to someone eye to eye, they will judge you. So it doesn’t really matter does it? If you look at them or don’t look at them, they are gonna judge you sometimes. So your goal is to love yourself anyways and stay connected to the truth….NO ONE ELSE HAS THE ABILITY TO DEFINE YOUR VALUE. You define your value.
Keep doing that exercise! It can take awhile. You have a gazillion thoughts of judging yourself, so once a day saying you love yourself, is impactful, but you are also climbing an uphill battle. However, every time you say it with heart, every time you find the beauty that you are and you FEEL it, it’s VERY powerful!!!!
Let me know what you think of this article:
http://www.drjoedispenza.com/blog/change/the-habit-of-your-new-self/
Heidi
Hi Elena,
So good to hear from you again!
You sound like you are doing amazing well! In regards to the guy…you have many, many days that occupied your mind with him…you have many memories together. It’s going to take some time to create a different type of relationship with him. You are doing such an incredible job at catching it right when it happens. That’s the goal!! and then you immediately begin to connect back into yourself and do your self healing work, so you can get back to your center and the truth. I have no doubt he will continue to text you and do everything he can to pull you back into the old pattern. He had it made!!!! He wants to keep it that way. You shifting, is really good for him. It’s holding him accountable to what he is doing and making him face himself in ways that wasn’t willing. You are being a good friend to him and to yourself.
As far as the I love you, every day….I LOVE IT!!! Yes…when you think that others are judging you, it’s really you judging you. And reality is too Elena, sometimes people really are not interested in talking. I have a gazillion conversations all the time. I am also very sensitive and can instantly feel if someone is connected into what I am saying…or even interested in talking. It happens more often than not, where I sense someone is not interested in talking. I listen to that and honor the space they are in and I do what I can to disconnect in that moment. It’s no fun to be talking with someone who doesn’t really want to be there. It’s okay! Maybe they don’t like talking to you, maybe they have a lot of stress and can’t focus, maybe the subject doesn’t interest them…who knows! It doesn’t really matter. It’s not personal. Even if they are judging you, it just means they are judging themselves. It’s important to be okay with that because truth be told, humans judge all the time!!!! We can’t help it!!! It is part of our nature and as we wake up to who we are more and more, we can start to shift that about ourselves. So even if you don’t talk to someone eye to eye, they will judge you. So it doesn’t really matter does it? If you look at them or don’t look at them, they are gonna judge you sometimes. So your goal is to love yourself anyways and stay connected to the truth….NO ONE ELSE HAS THE ABILITY TO DEFINE YOUR VALUE. You define your value.
Keep doing that exercise! It can take awhile. You have a gazillion thoughts of judging yourself, so once a day saying you love yourself, is impactful, but you are also climbing an uphill battle. However, every time you say it with heart, every time you find the beauty that you are and you FEEL it, it’s VERY powerful!!!!
Let me know what you think of this article:
http://www.drjoedispenza.com/blog/change/the-habit-of-your-new-self/
Heidi
Hi Melanie!
These details help a lot more. It sounds like he is just scared. What he is specifically scared of? Only he knows that. He could be scared of relationship again, which is VERY common post divorce. He could be scared of his x still trying to take everything. It could be a mixture of both. Maybe he just wants to date and have fun for right now…also very common after divorce. Either way, he is not ready to move forward into anything more serious right now. He most likely needs some closure first with the divorce. He probably still needs to figure out who he is separate than his life as a husband. Do you know why they are getting divorced? Is his ex being quite aggressive through the breakup at all?
I think your best bet for right now, is to just lay low. If you want to stay in relationship with him, then just be friends or continue with the FWB without expecting anything more than that. He needs some time to just have his life the way he wants it. Who knows how long that will take. That is where you have to get very realistic about who he is and the space he is in. If you are going to accept him for who he is, that means you stop having any expectations or needs that he can give you anything more than what he is right now. If that doesn’t work for you, then it might be time to let the idea of him go. It might be time for you to realize he is not able to offer you what you want.
Either way, for right now, give some space and let HIM initiate the relationship and see what happens. If you disconnect a bit, it gives the guy some room to chase. If he doesn’t chase, then you have some decisions to make at that point.
Keep talking to us! I love how light bulbs go off in the mind when starting to type stuff out! So keep at it and keep talking this through with us!
Heidi
Hi Melanie,
I can see why you are confused. I’m not sure that I am clear about your current status with him. Do you guys still hook up every once in awhile?
The thing about friends with benefits, is that the guy doesn’t take the girl very seriously in that type of design. If you are wanting something more serious, then you have to change the design of how you interact.
I’m curious…why do you think he pulled away when you pushed for relationship? What was his excuse?
I’m wondering if he is still pretty shy about getting serious. He isn’t even divorced yet. I wonder why that hasn’t happened yet. DO you know?
Heidi
Hi Pamela,
Activating his hero instinct is what you use to help build connection and appreciation. It’s very separate than the therapy you are doing. Yes, he needs to dive deep into what caused him to break his integrity. It doesn’t mean that there can be little things that you create, that provide him the opportunity to help you and then receive appreciation from you. So things like, helping bring in the groceries, fixing something, asking for advice about something, asking for favors…but instead of doing it in a boring way, you want to do it in a way that inspire him to want to help…so saying something like, “You would be seriously amazing if you could help me bring in the groceries. It would make my life so much easier right now and I promise I make it worth your while later…wink wink” So the hero instinct is about YOU contributing to him feeling useful, needed and helpful in your life. It should go right along with therapy and not contradict anything. It’s just a small thing to implement into your relationship every once in awhile.
Does this make better sense? If not, I can explain it a different way.
How is therapy going? Do you feel it is helping? Are you learning anything new?
Heidi
Hi Katherine,
My heart hurts for you both. You both seem to deeply love each other. I wish, so badly, that love was enough. If it were, I doubt we would have a 50% divorce rate and so many miserable people. From everything he is saying, I get his position. He is in limbo. He is trying to make everyone happy and keep the peace by not taking any action. He is not owning that his inaction is causing more harm.
So yes, I would agree that it’s time for you to walk away and close the door. By doing that, you are the one taking action to love yourself and care for yourself in the way he is not able to. You are fighting for yourself, because he is not willing to. Love needs action, love needs nourishment, love needs growth. It is a living entity that needs to be taken care of, on a daily basis. It requires attention, commitment and care. He cannot offer that to you right now. Maybe someday he will figure it out. Maybe you leaving and the loss of you, will inspire it from him. Who knows. You just have to make sure that you really break up. That means, no contact AT ALL. Many people break up but they keep talking. You really need to close the door so he can feel the effects of his inaction and mostly, so you can feel your life without him and start to deal with the hurt and loss.
You can say something like, “I love you. Deeply and in a way that lights up my world. I wish that love were enough to make this situation better. I know you love me in return. I have no doubt of that. If she were not pregnant, we would have continued down a wonderful path and created many more amazing memories. Now that she is pregnant, you have other people to think about. I am going to decide to step away from this. I understand your confusion, I understand your need to help her and protect your child. I truly honor and respect your choice to help them. The way you are choosing to help them, doesn’t leave much room for me and the kind the of love I want to share with a man. So it’s time for me to walk away. It’s time for me to let you go. My heart cannot take this uncertainty anymore. It’s not healthy for me. My choice is to stay and “hope” that at some point you figure this out, but that means my heart just keeps getting hurt in the process, so let’s both just accept that your choice is to help her and your child and that’s okay. That is what you need to do right now. If that ever changes someday, come talk to me. Who knows what could happen.”
Does this help give you an idea of how to start?
Heidi
Hi Navina,
You don’t need to complete the course to be successful. If you are still in the class, that means you are passing the tests, completing the homework and understanding the information, so you ARE successful.
It isn’t desperate or dumb. Not sure why you get that idea. I have done that a million times and always get a “I’d love to.” If you didn’t have feelings for him, you might not feel it is desperate or dumb right? It’s a very normal thing to offer a “thank you” in return for someone’s help. Then once you get him out, you can see if there is chemistry or not. Who knows, you find you might not like him as much as you think. You never know until you meet in person, how much what you are feeling is real or fantasy.
So what do you mean about your last sentence? Has he stopped responding?
Heidi
Hi Diane,
I understand your worry for him. It is incredibly hard to watch someone being slowly beaten down and not be able to do anything about it. It’s very important that you IMMEDIATELY stop that habit. Truth is, he is NOT okay. He is hurting deeply, on a daily basis. AND he is okay too. He will have to figure it out. These were the cards he was dealt, so now he gets to figure out how to survive it. You constantly asking him, are you sure you are okay, doesn’t help. What are you going to do to help anyways? There is nothing you can do for him. This is HIS problem. He could talk about it, but there is NO WAY he is going to talk about it over the phone in his own house. As long as he is near his mom, he is very smart to not mention a word about it. So you will be helping him by no longer asking him that. Respect and understand that he needs to stay silent in his home. There is a time and place to talk about things. He will talk when he is ready and only when he is in a safe place to do so. Honor and respect that. He is trying to survive right now. Does that make sense?
I would also suggest to let him know you are going to stop. He will think something is “wrong” if you are not your normal self, so you can say something like, “Listen, I’m sorry I have kept asking that. I realize you are okay and trust you will figure all of this out. I want you to know that I will stop. I haven’t been respecting your boundary, but I truly hear you and I am going to stop. It doesn’t mean that I won’t stop worrying and I may slip every once in awhile. So how about you say the code word “elephant” to remind me that I’m doing it again and I need to stop.” You guys can create any code word you want, but it needs to be funny. It can be a great way to start laughing and an easy way for someone to communicate to their partner to stop.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Yolanda,
First, thank you Lisa for your story and validation. You are doing an amazing job getting back onto your feet and grounded when the rug was pulled out from under you!
It’s terrible to be blindsided like that. It hurts deeply and is shocking. I think the shocking part is the worst…when you don’t see it coming. You feel fooled, you wonder how long it’s been going on and how could they keep lying to you and you end up questioning all the moments together and how true they really were. I’m am so sorry for both of you.
Yolanda, your life has been turned upside down. Of course you can’t imagine your life without him. You have known your life for 11 years with him in. It started out to be amazing and wonderful and everything you needed, but now it’s not ending that way. You ask what to do? That’s up to you. I cannot tell you what to you as the choice you make depends on what you are willing to deal with.
Let’s look at the truth. This is the 2nd time he has cheated on you (that you know of). He wants to blame you for not moving to where he is, he doesn’t like the relationship anymore, he lives far away and is with a new woman. These are the facts right now. If you were to fight for the relationship, first and foremost, he would need to really look at what he is doing. He has already cheated 2x which means he will do it again if he has to. He most likely would figure that you would forgive him again, since you already had 2x before. Once a cheater, always a cheater if the person never really faces themselves and looks at why they are choosing to cheat instead of being honest. That’s a BIG problem. If he is lying about this, who knows what else he is lying about. So even if he did come back to you, I doubt he is willing to do anything to get help, establish accountability and take responsibility for his choices. He doesn’t sound to be that type of person. It doesn’t even sound like he had any compassion for the pain he caused you. Did he apologize at all? Did he have any remorse? And for him to chicken out and let his current lady break the news to you is so sad. Where is his strength to be honest HIMSELF? Instead, this new girl takes over. He will keep cheating, he will keep being unhappy in his life and he will continue this cycle. This has nothing to do with you. This has everything to do with the kind of person he is. Even if you had moved there Yolanda, this all would have happened in some form or another. He also blames you for not moving there instead of looking at you both as a team and working to create a resolution. Anytime someone blames and does not take responsibility for what shows up, they are blaming because they cannot handle the pain on themselves. It’s a way to make them feel better and to justify their actions. That is someone who is very weak on the inside and has very little self-esteem. So if you stay and decide to fight for him, this is the kind of guy you are choosing. And you get to choose him if you want. Your life is your design.
If you decide to let go, you will have to go through the hurt of separation. It’s horrible and difficult, but there will come a time when your life starts to normalize and your heart will hurt less. You just need some time to heal. If you decide to let go, you will be choosing yourself over him. You will be choosing to love yourself so much that you will not allow him to treat your heart with such disrespect and disregard. I know that choosing yourself over the love you feel for this man is not easy. All you feel is the love for him and how much it hurts to not have it returned. Unfortunately, it’s either you or him. If you choose him, you choose not to love yourself and you hand your heart to a man who doesn’t take care of it. If you choose yourself, you choose to no longer love him. Either way you look at it, there is an ending of either self love or loving him. A healthy relationship, there is no ending. You get to have both. If both doesn’t exist, the relationship will never last, and if it does last, it won’t be a happy, fulfilling and nourishing relationship. A healthy relationship, self love expands as your love with the other person expands. The love with someone else feeds and nourishes the self love. It sounds like it may have been like this in the beginning, but it is not what is happening now and it cannot return to that. He is not the kind of person that would be willing to do the internal, emotional work to face his baggage.
The choice is yours. I’m so sorry this is a choice you have to face. Either direction hurts a lot.
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
