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Hi Fong,
I wanted to check in again and see how you are doing. I imagine you are struggling as your feelings and connection with this guy are very strong.
It’s a tough situation. I have coached many couples / singles who end up dealing with different viewpoints on children. My ultimate goal is to get them on the same page…whether it means they continue to grow together or they go separate ways. I wish love and connection were enough to make a relationship last. We wouldn’t have a 50% divorce rate if that were all it took. Reality is though, like-mindedness is crucial. Without heading in the same direction of your lives, a relationship will not last.
He wants the option of children. You are at an age where adopting would be the safest option for you guys. Is that something you guys have talked about? Or maybe a surrogate? It sounds like this is the only thing standing in the way. Would you agree? If you were younger, you feel he would have chosen to stay with you and have children with you?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I understand your struggle. He sounds so romantic and gentle and caring and connective. Everything you have explained is sooooooo wonderful to experience! This is what makes disconnecting feel impossible. When you bond on that level, when you feel cared for on that level, the thought of disconnecting from someone who makes you feel so wonderful…it just hurts the heart like crazy.
As wonderful as he is, you can only “lead a horse to water, you cannot force it to drink.” It’s such a sad thing because you KNOW that if he were to just face his fears, he would get to experience and even more amazing love with you as you guys grew closer. His fear is big enough for him, that it is causing him to run and there is nothing you can do about that. It’s sad that he is choosing to run. Who knows though…many times, something will happen and could shift his fear enough to where he would become more willing to re-connect. Being that he is not a strong communicator, any relationship is going to be difficult with him, especially long term. Communication challenges are always rated in the top 3 reasons why people get divorced. He is in for a very lonely and challenging life if he doesn’t start to work on that part of himself.
There are plenty of gentleman that communicate really well. I promise they are out there….AND they are romantic and passionate and connective as well. They do exist. I have worked with them and they come across my path many times. But for right now, this is about you getting very clear. For right now, keep working on healing your heart. In about a month you can contact him, asking for help and then see what happens. I would steer clear of contacting his mother for right now as well. He needs to have her as HIS support system…even if he doesn’t talk about it. Her loyalty belongs with him.
Do you feel you are able to do this??? I’m not saying it’s over. I’m saying it might be a good time to really take a complete break from all of it, gain perspective, let your heart heal a bit and THEN re-evaluate in about a month.
What do you think?
Heidi
Oh Jean,
I am so sorry to hear this! Or course you cried. Something like that really hurts. I am wondering if the handful of conversations about his addiction is what is causing him to put walls around his heart. An addiction to anything will interfere with a relationship. Truth be told Jean, I’m not sure you would want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who prioritizes porn and pictures over you. You will always play second fiddle to his addiction. He knows that and I imagine he would not want to hurt you that way. He knows it’s a problem, but reality is, as long as he is single and not really attached, he gets to have his relationship with porn without anybody bothering him about it.
Maybe it’s time for you to really look at whether or not this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. He is not much of a team player when it comes to facing challenges. It sounds like he wasn’t interested in understanding, nor working with you and your experiences. It sounds like it was pretty much all about him, it is what it is and you have to deal with it. Is this the kind of person you want to go through life with? Love and connection are not enough to sustain a relationship. What truly sustains a relationship are 2 people who are willing to work with each other, respect each other, listen to each other and care enough about the other person to work on changing the parts that are causing harm to a relationship.
So you are at a point now, where you either completely accept this and never discuss it again, or it’s time for you to consider if this is how you want to feel all the time. You may be able to get over your own insecurities over time, but the truth that he would choose his porn and pictures over a relationship with you….I’m not sure that is something anyone is meant to “get over.”
I know this hurts. Your heart is breaking and you have a lot of things to think about and a decision to face. I am so sorry! We are here for you. Keep talking to us. We can keep helping you through this, no matter which path you choose!
Heidi
HI Jean,
That was a very brave letter that you wrote. I’m really proud of you that you took that step and are voicing how you are feeling! That, first and foremost, is the most important aspect here. You are giving your voice some power and you are fighting for your needs and the relationship. Well done! I’m really curious to see how this ends up.
Just a little coaching tip. A lot of your letter is pointing out his limitations and the deficiencies in the relationship. That is most likely going to make him feel defensive instantly. When you want someone to be open and connective with you about a very sensitive topic, again, you want to pose questions and be curious vs. telling them what they did wrong. So instead of telling him how looking at pictures makes you feel insecure and competitive, you could say something like, “When you look at pictures, I end up feeling insecure and competitive. I realize those are just my own insecurities, so I would like to talk about some creative ways that could help with that. I promise to keep working on my own insecurities too. Let’s meet up later and figure this out together! I’ll make your favorite dinner and dessert over candlelight and we can just spend some time getting to know each other as we maneuver through this.”
Does this make sense?? Do you feel the difference?
Heidi
Linda!
Good luck! Trust that you guys have the strength in your friendship to figure this out! We can’t wait to hear how things go on Saturday. Looking forward to your update!
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I can see why you are completely confused still. Thank you for sharing more details.
Being that this is his first serious relationship, I am guessing that he is terrified on some level and probably doesn’t even really know it. He said that he was worried you would start to resent each other. Where the heck did that come from??? That “worry” just lets you know he has some underlying beliefs about relationships that have nothing to do with you. He is a bit on the older side for never having been in a serious relationship before. Do you know what his parent’s were like? Does he have a good relationship with them? That belief about possibly resenting each other came from somewhere. And if that worry is there, I guarantee there are other worries along with that.
My guess is, you are dealing with a huge brick wall around his heart that is full of all kinds of negative beliefs about love and relationships. The happier he feels, the more that wall becomes fragile and his system will not allow that. So naturally, that wall will make his fears VERY BIG so that he is inspired to re-enforce that wall vs. break it down. It has nothing to do with you.
He really needs to face this if he is going to move forward with you. Is he the type of guy that would be willing to work with a coach or therapist? I imagine maybe not because he has such a hard time communicating. And that is something you really need to pay attention to. I understand you both have a strong attraction and connection. Your experiences with each other sound absolutely amazing! The truth also is that he has a hard time communicating and he is most likely dealing with a giant fear. Those are pretty big deal breakers right there. You can’t work through things if one person won’t talk and you can’t grow together is one person is not willing to face their fears. You need a partner when big challenges show up and it doesn’t look like he fits the profile for that.
I think it’s a great idea to slow things down and do the 30 days of no talking. You can use this time to really evaluate what you want in a relationship and if this guy can offer that for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jeanine,
I am so so sorry. It sounds like you had a wonderful connection!
My guess is that he just got really scared. It’s not unusual actually. It’s a very strange thing us humans do. The happier we get, the more we will sabotage. It’s called the “Upper Limit” where it’s a person’s capacity to be happy. That limit is determined by our beliefs and how much low self esteem we have. So someone who has had a great life, good role modeling about love and relationships, their ability to be happy is MUCH higher than those who have had abuse, neglect, abandonment, poor role modeling. The negative stuff in our lives create negative beliefs about love. Therefore, when someone has negative beliefs about love, when someone comes along and makes them REALLY happy, eventually they will cut it off because that “happiness” triggers that VERY STRONG negative belief about love. And many times, that belief is much stronger than their desire to be happy. Now…understand that the majority of people have no clue about this concept. It’s a very subconscious thing that happens. When he says he doesn’t know what’s happening and his feelings are changing and it’s not fair to you and he doesn’t have time blah blah blah….those are classic excuses / words of showing that he reached his limit to be happy. In order to expand that limit and make it higher, it means facing his fears….and THAT is very uncomfortable and journey a lot of people won’t make.
Does this make sense?
You haven’t done anything wrong. In fact, you have done everything so wonderfully that it scared the crap out of him! What can you do? I can suggest to stay away for 30 days and let him feel his life without you in it. Sometimes this is a GREAT motivator! At the end of 30 days, you can reconnect and activate his hero instinct. Find something you can ask him help with.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Kerry,
I definitely do think he got spooked. You being long distance makes it pretty safe and not real. You weren’t face to face…you were a person far away, which would have given him a sense of “safety.”
He is definitely terrified. He doesn’t believe in himself. He most likely doesn’t even believe in relationship. The closer you got, the more scared he got, so by the time you got back home and reality started to set in that you were now very real….the fear took over. Trust what he is saying. He knows himself. I know his actions have been quite different, but again, that was at a distance. Trust that he knows what he is talking about as he is the one who knows his heart and what his patterns and beliefs are.
These kinds of fears are REALLY big and VERY difficult to deal with. He needs to face a lot of things in his life if he is ever going to move forward in a relationship.
The question is, are you willing to figure this out with him? This guy is terrified, which means there is going to be a lot of push / pull going on. He will be connected and then he won’t. He will sabotage and he will bond. It will be a rollercoaster ride the deeper you guys get and the longer you hang out together.
Before we continue, is this the kind of relationship you want to have in your life? With that being said, there are still no guarantees. You can do everything PERFECTLY and his fear still may end up winning out in the end. I’ve seen that happen over and over again and it’s sad. I have also seen couple work through it as well and it can take quite a bit of time and patience. It all depends on both people and what they are willing to go through.
Let me know your thoughts on this!
Heidi
Hi Zoi,
I think some of the issue is that you were really taking most of the initiative (at least towards the end). He was not showing any signs of interest really. He was just casual talking, he was not initiating any time to meet up and he has distanced himself. Whenever a woman start to take the role of the chaser, it can cause a guy to become a lot more distant. He starts to sense her desperation and neediness and that makes them want to take a step back.
I do agree with Kanya in that he probably just needed a date to the wedding and he knew you would say yes. He knows you would do anything for him because he knows you really like him and want to be with him. You were the sensible and easy choice. I’m not sensing that you really have done wrong here. You keep thinking that YOU need to change in order to make things work, but HE has some things to work on as well. He hasn’t handled your heart in a very kind way. He is not the best communicator and has sent a lot of mixed messages.
I want to suggest that you really let this guy go, but maybe what Kanya suggested, where you give it 30 days of no contact, that could work. He may seek you out, he may not. If he doesn’t reach out for 30 days, my suggesting would to be to create closure for yourself. At that point, you wouldn’t really need to send him a text creating closure. It would be more about you doing for yourself, deciding to close the door and heal. Is this something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Linda!
Wow…you really have some incredible patience!!! I don’t know many people who would stay in a relationship for that many years, have feelings for the guy, and not do something about it. You both have cozied into this design of friendship. It’s just plain scary to shift anything. It is a risk. The thing is, if he is the type to NOT take risks, you most likely will end up growing old together as wonderful friends….or it may take him a decade (maybe his mom passes) before he tries to make a move. So I am think the ball is in your court if you want something to happen.
How have you used the hero instinct? Give me some examples. It sounds like he doesn’t really respond to that. Does it surprise you? Does this go along with his personality? I am wondering if he doesn’t take compliments very well.
Does he ever compliment you? Does he ever let you know how valuable you are in his life? Does he ever appreciate you? You guys see each other almost every night, correct?
Maybe it’s time to start asking deeper questions and get inside his head a little bit. You can ask question like, “What do you see yourself doing in 10 years? Do you ever imagine falling in love again once your mom passes? What is on your bucket list?” When you ask future questions, you get a sense about how much he actually does or does not think about his future. Make sure you talk about your future as well in that conversation. Saying things like, “I do want to fall in love again. I don’t necessarily need to be married, but I do want to share my life with a man again. My bucket list is to travel with my guy to go on an African Safari.” So when you answer your side of those questions, add the guy in there so he knows that you DO desire to be in a romantic relationship.
This might be a way to gather more info. You can also try to start flirting a little bit. Have you guys ever flirted with each other? You can start with small things like, “My favorite part about you are your eyes. Sometimes when I look at them, I get the butterflies.” You can even start that conversation by asking, “what’s your favorite and least favorite part about yourself physically?” And after he answers, then you let him know your favorite part about him and then you also ask him to do the same for you.
Let me know what you think about this approach. It’s pretty indirect and may take awhile. There are some guys that are just sooooo clueless about a woman and her intentions. He just may be the type where you will have be direct. I don’t know.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi jean!
I’m so glad you were able to really make a decision to not let the loss of your husband ruin the rest of your life. Well done! Not many people are able to take that path…at least not for awhile. You are quite resilient.
I wouldn’t expect that he would not respond well to you asking him to stop looking at pictures. It isn’t your place to even ask that of him. However, it is your place to let him know how it affects you.
You can say something like, “I understand these pictures are important for you and I’m not going to ask you to stop. If you ever do decide to stop someday, it will be because you want to, not because I asked it of you. I do want you to know however, that it does affect me and our relationship.” And then you can lead into HOW it affects you. And have it just be a conversation, letting him know how his choices influence how you feel in the relationship. You can also add, “I’m doing everything I can to let this go and not let it bother me. I’m working on it, because you are worth fighting for. I don’t want this to get in the way of our closeness. I will do the best I can to let this go however, I also want to be honest and let you know that I don’t know if this is something that will never bother me. I don’t know that I can completely let this go. I think what will help for right now, is if you share with me about what’s going on for you. This feels like an addiction to me. Is that how it feels for you? What is it that you get from looking at those pics? Do you get an escape from reality? How does it affect you if you don’t look at those pics? Do you feel you have a more difficult day?” The main approach is to make sure you just ask as if you are getting to know him, without judgment. He is so defensive because HE JUDGES HIMSELF. I have no doubt he knows it’s a problem. He may be giving himself a break since he gave up alcohol. He may need to really get a grip on that before he can face losing another thing in his life that makes him feel good. Reality is, he may never give this up, so you really have to face that.
Your reality is this Jean…he has an addiction. He will choose his addiction over you…at least for right now. So if you want to stay with him, that means you accepting your choice that you are with an amazing guy and he has an addiction. Being that you have dealt with addiction yourself, you know what this means. I’m not sure if you can ever let this go and feel comfortable with it. Your spirit is uncomfortable with it for a reason. So you can ignore that reason for now, but my guess is, at some point it will re-surface and magnify. But you can always deal with it at that point!
Thoughts?
heidi
Hi Jean,
I’m just going to continue on with this thread, so make sure you just keep posting here, instead of the other one…that way, we can all have a conversation in one place.
First off, I am so sorry to hear about your husband and your loss. Did you ever get any help to process that? It’s such an intense experience!!!
I sounds like has an addiction. He is dealing with an alcohol addiction and now heading into pot and definitely some type of addiction to sexual pictures. It doesn’t sound like he is willing to really look at this as an “issue.” He rationalizes it by saying “they are just pictures” but truth is, he is having a chemical reaction in his body to looking at those pictures and there is an addiction that is happening. He recently gave up alcohol, he now is having to take Viagra, he is smoking a lot of pot. He is dealing with A LOT!!! To not be able to get a hard on is EXTREMELY challenging for a man.
The thing is, until he really realizes that are consequences to looking at these pictures (like he realized he could die if he doesn’t stop drinking), then he will continue on with his life. His girlfriend is accepting of this behavior, so why should he change anything??? Again, just like what Kanya said, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU! This is about him and his relationship with his own sexuality and all of that existed before you came into the picture. He could have one of those porn stars that he looks at, as a girlfriend, and it’s guaranteed he would still look at pics and porn.
So you have a choice to make. First, understand this is who he is. You probably know better than anyone, that when it comes to an addiction, a person will face when they are ready, and no sooner. He has no reason to face it, because it’s not costing him anything. If you are uncomfortable with this behavior, maybe it’s time to have a more serious conversation about it. Maybe it’s time to consider that this type of design in a relationship doesn’t work for you.
Let me know your thoughts before we go any further!
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
How disappointing!!! It’s really shocking to think you are on the same page and then find out you aren’t.
I’m wondering if it has something to do with his job. How old is he? Although his job is becoming more strenuous, is it stable? Does he have enough money to help support a family?
Tell me a little more about the talk you guys had. What was his response when you mentioned wanting to go to the next step? I imagine you suggested moving in together maybe? What was his energy like during this talk? Was he open and receptive and adding to the conversation, or did he seem unsure?
Was there anything about the relationship that was challenging? Meaning, did you guy argue at all? Or were things going really, really well?
Heidi
Hi Linda,
What an interesting situation! You guys ARE acting like a couple without being a couple.
Have you guys ever had the conversation about being something more? There is no doubt the thoughts are there, on both ends, but has it ever been talked about or admitted to? Do you know why he doesn’t date? 10 years is a looooong time to not go on any dates. Is he afraid of something?
The challenge here is, you both have found a way to be connected without being in a relationship and it works. The moment you change something, it’s gonna shake things up quite a bit. Reality is, it is a big risk. If you want to move into a romantic relationship with him, you are definitely going to risk losing him as a friend. If it doesn’t work out for some reason, it’s just going to change the dynamics of your friendship….not permanently, but definitely for a season.
How long have you wanted to be more romantic with him? It sounds like the idea of romance was entertained in the very beginning. Do you sense, at all, that he has any romantic feelings for you?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
This is a tough one. It is a valid red flag. He may have a hard time really committing to something and following through. When the woman is more driven than the man, it can be problematic as the woman doesn’t end up respecting the man.
First and foremost, I guarantee that even you mentioning this and you guys talking about, it won’t change who he is. He is like this for a reason. It may be because of some past trauma, it may be a personality trait of his, I don’t know. Either way, it is who he is and he deserves to be accepted for that. So in moving forward, you need to decide to either let this go or part ways. You CANNOT enter into a relationship hoping for the guy to change how he lives his life. He deserves to be accepted for exactly who he is.
You can learn more about it though. Have you asked any questions about it? You can ask things like, “I don’t know what it feels like to have a lot of different jobs. I grew up in a family that is very driven and creates what they want. I sometimes have wondered what it would feel like to have the freedom to experience life that way. Tell me about it! What does it feel like?”
Let him teach you about himself and you may find more of the core reason as to why he is this way. Is it a pattern that shows up only for work, or does it show up elsewhere in his life? That is something you also want to look for. Any commitment issues? I know he is willing to jump in with you, but I”m wondering more about his sustainability. How long does he usually stay with a girl?
Just some things to think about.
Heidi
