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Hi Tee,
I know it hurts so deeply. I get it and I wish there were a way around it. It just takes time and consistent effort / choices on a daily basis to create a different dream for you life. It’s hard work! I’m sad for him too. I’m sad he chooses to stay victim to that low self-esteem. I hope that someday he will do something about it!
Here is one of my very favorite quotes by Wayne Dyer: “Love is my gift to the world. I fill myself with love, and I send that love out into the world. How others treat me is their path; how I react is mine.”
It’s up to you as to whether you want to date or not. There are a lot of cons about that prospect, but it sounds like you are well connected to the dangers involved both to yourself and to others. Mostly, I have found that if someone can just focus on healing, they end up back on their feet sooooo much sooner than those that end up going out dating before they are ready. The dating is just a band-aid. I guide people towards creating other types of “distractions” from the hurt that are healthy. Go volunteer somewhere, maybe even with animals, watch movies where you are seeing the main character fall hard and figure out how to get back up on their feet (i.e. Under the Tuscan Sun) find a new hobby like dancing, making pottery, leather making or find groups of people interested in the same things (go to meetup.com). Those kinds of things are activities that bring some fun into your life while letting your heart heal. Those activities will even actively help your healing process. Dating when you are not ready doesn’t have a good track record, but you can still go out and give it a shot. You will learn along the way whether it’s a good idea for you or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
That makes me sad that he has a wife. I wonder if she knows about his lifestyle.
He might have a sex addiction…who knows. Either way, he is addicted to something and obviously has not respect for women, so why would he have any respect for his wife and monogamy. He might be narcissistic where he believes and knows that he can do anything he wants and that’s that.
Again, to the girl that is “in love” with him, I would advise her to move on. There is NOTHING she can do to change him. I would question her idea of what love is to her. If she feels “in love” with a womanizer, a man who has no respect for female energy nor women and only uses them to please himself, then my guess is, she has never been role modeled what love really looks and feels like. She probably has been harmed, abandoned, rejected, betrayed etc. by her father or male role models (or lack thereof) in her life. Her perception of what love is, is jaded. It’s not real.
In order for love to grow, it needs 2 people actively participating in it. There is no possible way this womanizer man has the ability to love a woman, so the fact she is “in love” with him, but he isn’t with her….and yet she is still trying to get his attentions, she is not “in love.” I know it feels like that, but the truth is, the feelings she has for him has nothing to do with love. It has to do with her low self-esteem trying to get attention from an emotionally unavailable man. You can only love someone else as much as you love yourself. This girl does not love herself very much if she is chasing after a guy who thinks nothing of her.
What do you think about all of this??
Heidi
Hi Shannon….I wanted to check in and see how you are doing and feeling….any new thoughts and feelings? Any new developments???
Heidi
Hi Theresa!
Thank you for more information. This is helpful!!!
Let me ask you this….I know you love him and want to be with him. I’m curious, those differences are pretty big differences in how you live your lives. Did those differences bother you at all?
There is one thing I am wondering here….you said he likes to work and you would rather spend time with him than to work. This may have been a big reason why he is creating some distance. If you wanted to spend time with him all the time, for a guy, that creates A LOT of pressure!
It is very NORMAL for a man to want to work instead of spend his time with his woman. It’s a natural and normal instinct for man. They NEED to work to feel balanced. They NEED to work and “produce” something in order to feel purposeful and useful in their life. For women, we are quite the opposite. We LOVE relationship and connection! Working is not near as important as having a good relationship with someone. Most of the time, a woman will choose a relationship over working! Reality is, that is a very big difference in how men and women operate on a basic level. I am wondering if you pressured him a lot to hang out with you? Did you have your own friends and activities separate than him?
Heidi
Hi Elena!
Lots of things are coming up for you!!! yayayaya! And for him as well. He says he is feeling better and doesn’t need a therapist and then at the same time, he is craving the touch and intimacy and feeling alone. All these different things are coming up for BOTH of you because you BOTH have taken away the things that keep them suppressed. For you, your intimate relationship with him suppressed all that you are going through now and for him….him being in relationship with you and the other ladies, suppressed what’s coming up for him. It’s all very normal and there are MANY layers that will now have permission to reveal themselves. As long as you keep facing what comes up, healing will continue to occur. I agree that you are not the person to be what he needs. He needs to feel all of that and sit in the middle of it and face it. It’s important. He needs to be able to resolve and come into relationship with all that he is feeling. If he finds someone to take care of him and relieve him of his aloneness, then he will never truly learn about himself nor connect to that part of himself that so desperately needs his love and attention.
As far as your sexual energy is concerned, I want to slow you waaaaaaay down and invite you to sit with it and not take any action…especially towards Tinder. When you get cravings like that, it can get very strong and then lead you into situations with a guy that can actually be quite damaging. You are finally starting to value yourself and connect to your amazingness. This sexual energy can lead you into having 1 night stands with guys that will not care about you…therefore you are then exposing yourself to what you have been trying to free yourself from.
Believe me, I know how you are feeling and there are ways to work WITH that energy WITHOUT using a man to express it….and truth be told, it sometimes can make it worse. (talking from experience here). So…BEFORE you decide to let that energy loose on a man, explore it further with just yourself. Journal about it, search for the source of where it’s coming from, masturbate, connect to this sexual energy through your own avenues. It’s an amazing way to connect with yourself and get to know yourself. Its kind, it’s loving, it’s honoring to your very precious and sacred heart/body. Going on Tinder dates and unleashing that energy with a guy you barely know….that is not kind and loving to your heart/body.
So just think about this for a bit….take some time.
What are your thoughts?
Wow! You are in Australia????
Heidi
We are happy to help! Thank you for trusting us with your challenges. Please keep in touch! We are here for you, even if you need to vent and just let some stuff out!
Heidi
Hi Cheruvu,
Thank you for your questions!
I’m curious….how often does he go to bars and pick up women? How old is he?
Heidi
HI Cheruvu,
Yes, you are correct. There is no end point or change for him. He will ALWAYS be this way unless something majorly traumatic happens for him (maybe a near death experience) which causes him to re-evaluate his life path OR if he decides he wants to get help.
It’s like an addiction. The attention, the sex, the whole experience for womanizer is addicting. They don’t know who they are without those experiences and they won’t stop as long as people keep playing along.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Pamela,
Would you mind posting this on your very own so it is a subject all on its own? It’s much easier for us to make sure everyone gets guidance when they all have their own subjects and posts.
I just have a few questions as well, so if you could include those details in the new post as well, that would be great!
If I understand correctly, he does not live there? He has the type of job where he travels all over? Or he just travels to the job that is local for you and you guys hook up? How often do you end up seeing other? Is he the one that initiates contact when he comes to town? Is there any communication between visits? How long were you dating before he pulled away? Is there anything you can think of that happened that might be a reason he distanced himself?
Thanks Pamela!!!
Hi Rachel,
I sure wish there was a way around heartbreak so it didn’t hurt so much. Relationships are ALWAYS a risk. The best you can do is to set your standards and really stick to them. When you know what you deserve and require from a person, the odds are in your favor for it lasting a long a time!
The holidays can be challenging. One thing I have found that has helped me a TON in the past, was that on those special days where I would have been with him and his family, I instead volunteered somewhere. By giving and helping others or animals, it filled me up soooooo much that I ended up really enjoying myself. Keep that in mind!
You are doing a great job! Keep filling yourself up with fun, support and giving yourself time to keep healing. It’s going to take awhile, but each time you laugh, each time you cry and release emotions, each time you make a solid decision to move forward, you heal another part of yourself. Before you know it, you will realize it’s been a whole week since you thought about him! And you realize you really are okay without him and don’t miss him as much. You will get there!!! Keep working for it!!!
Heidi
Hi Cheruvu,
That’s actually a really great question that has MANY layers and dynamics to it. It’s not such a simple answer.
The first thing I would ask her is, how does she know she is “in love” with him? If he is a womanizer and she knows it, my inclination would be to believe she “thinks” she is in love because of how she feels, but it’s more likely that those feelings are more coming from her deep woundedness and having poor role models of what love really looks and feels like.
A womanizer has his own issues. He does not respect women, he uses them AND doesn’t know who he is without them. He too most likely has some very poor female role modeling and his own traumas. A womanizer will NEVER be able to feel deep, true and a healthy version of love as he doesn’t trust love nor would he even be willing to go there. He would be way too afraid.
When I have worked with woman who tend to get attached to these kinds of men, I begin taking them deeper into their thoughts and beliefs about love. I begin helping guide them towards the hurt they have felt and have them work towards forgiveness. 100% of the time (myself included btw) the women become much stronger on the inside, more free of the baggage and find that those type of men don’t interest them any longer. They want a healthier, more honoring experience so they look for a guy who actually truly likes and respects women.
What do you think? Does this help??
Heidi
Hi Tee,
You said a lot of good things! Despite your heartache, which can really cloud a person’s ability to see the truth of a situation, you are doing incredibly well! You have a strength to be able to see the truth. Do you know this about yourself??? If not, I want you to connect to that and really honor that about yourself!
It is VERY possible that part of the reason he is pulling away is because he knows he is broken and will hurt you. It’s all the exact same issue that is expressing itself in different ways. The core issue here is that deep down, he doesn’t believe he is worth loving. So he looks to you for validation, he pushes you away because he knows he will hurt you and he wants to stay connected as friend, but not lovers. It’s all coming from the same exact place. I am soooo familiar with all of it, because I have said the same exact things to guys before when I was younger. I knew how messed up I was and I would push guys away to save them from me. At the same exact time, I desperately wanted them to fight for me! hahahaha! crazy making right???? It’s hard for BOTH people!
As far as the friendship goes, from my experience and just understanding the heart and mind, it doesn’t really work to slowly disconnect. It’s not different than an addict. They are so connected and bonded to their chemical of choice that in order to heal and change the relationship into something healthy, they HAVE to go cold turkey. Slowing down their consumption just keeps them addicted.
So the BEST way to help your heart heal as fast as possible, is to hurt like crazy in the beginning and then it starts to subside. What happens if you slowly start to disconnect, is you never really end up healing because you keep re-connecting. Whether you disconnect now and go cold turkey or wait a few months to disconnect, it will hurt EXACTLY the same.You guys cannot be friends. As long as there are romantic feelings involved, pure friendship is not possible. Once you both have healed, it’s definitely possible to become best friends again!
So he needs to also let you go completely and you both just need to spend some time apart. What I mean by him getting his “fix” off of you is about his self esteem. Imagine he has a tank that represents his self worth. That tank only gets filled when someone else tells him something good or someone else fights for him or hurts for him. So you are definitely a source to fill up that tank. If you take that away, he will feel empty and uncomfortable, but that is also VERY necessary in order to face his challenges more. The goal would be for him to fill his own tank and not need anyone else to do it for him. That’s when a healthy relationship is possible with him. Until that point, he will suck the life dry out of anyone who is around him long enough. How he functions is not sustainable in a healthy way….and I’m sure he knows this on some level. I hope he continue to help himself in some sort of way!
Keep talking with us! We are soooo so honored to be here for you and share our ideas with you!
Heidi
Hi Zoi!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE your honesty with yourself! That takes an incredible amount of strength! I know you may not think that way, but being a coach and constantly working with people through their challenges, MANY have a difficult time admitting to the core low self esteem beliefs that are driving their decisions and behaviors. SO…first and foremost, I want to acknowledge you for being honest with yourself. That give Kanya and I a good place to work with you from!!!
I want to say that we ALL have low self-esteem. I don’t know a person on this planet who would have some areas of low self esteem. Imagine a big piece of swiss cheese. The holes are where we have low-self esteem and where we feel incomplete, not valuable and empty. The solid parts are those parts of ourselves that know we are valuable, complete and have a lot to offer. The only difference between you, me and the next person, is how many holes we have in our swiss cheese! I used to have a GAZILLION holes!!! The way you change your thoughts and behaviors is by actively working on them and re-programming your thoughts and feelings. I like to start by connecting those thoughts and feelings to the source. Where did you learn that you are not valuable? Who made you feel insecure in your life?? When you are able to connect to the source of where those feelings began, it will help you understand that those feelings of low self esteem you have are full of lies and have nothing to do with who you REALLY are. There are a TON of things to do to improve the holes in your swiss cheese.
I’m going to recommend Dr. Joe Dispenza first. His entire career is about changing your thoughts, patterns and beliefs and how to manifest the life you desire. The science is fascinating!!! You may not resonate with him. If you look at his stuff and decide you don’t get it or don’t like it, you can also try Gregg Braden. He is brilliant and probably one of my favorites. I would also recommend Denise Linn! She is amazing at helping people connect to their deeper self. I LOVE her work with women. She has a few books about what it means to be a woman in this world and embracing all that we are. All of these people offer a TON of free meditations, exercises and programs to help people fill the holes in their swiss cheese. The goal here is to slowly fill those holes. You will ALWAYS have holes, so the goal is to have less of them.
This is where relationship comes in. Like attracts like. So if you have a lot of holes, you will attract someone with a lot of holes. I would have to say it’s the MAIN reason I am always working on myself. I want a healthy, amazing relationship, but in order for that to happen, I HAVE TO BE THAT FIRST!!! So I am always working on shrinking and healing my holes so that I attract a man who is the same way. Does this make sense?
In regards to “there are no guarantees” that a man will show up….I am not going to argue that. The only guarantee in life is change. The thing is Zoi, when you get to that place where you are full and complete within yourself and you love your life, JUST AS IT IS….whether a man shows up or not, it won’t matter. You won’t be focused on what you don’t have. You will be focused on what you do have! You will feel the joy and gratitude for the gifts in your life, the house you live in, the friends you have, the dates you go on. I know this concept is hard for you to understand as you don’t know what it feels like and you can’t imagine that feeling. All I can tell you is that is how I feel. I absolutely still WANT a man in my life and I expect he will show up. I have no doubt. Until that time, I remain open, I keep my eyes open AND I am happy in my life just as it is. I love my life! I don’t “NEED” a man to feel high levels of happy and gratitude. I “want” a man for sure, but that will happen when it is meant to happen. I am at peace.
Does this make sense?
Make sure you google those people and check them out. Look at their books, their products, their meditations and see what resonates for you. If none of those people interest you, Kanya and I have a TON of other resources to share. Just let us know!
Heidi
Hi Tee,
I am so sorry! He sure is sending a TON of mixed messages and it’s super confusing!
First, you cannot expect to be just friends. You love him and he obviously has some strong feelings for you (but I think that terrifies him). From everything you have shared so far, I just think he is wanting YOU to do for him, what he won’t do for himself…and that is make him feel better. He is hurting, he does not trust and he doesn’t feel very valuable. So he is looking to you to make him feel better. That is a DISASTER formula for a relationship. Whenever someone says things like, “I guess you are too busy to text me” he is REALLY saying, “I feel completely worthless right now and I guess I am not important enough in your life to be available when I need you to be available.” That is just pure low self esteem talking. It’s no different than when a girl says, “I look so fat in this outfit” but she says it so you can tell her, “No you don’t! You look beautiful!!!” She is just wanting you to make her feel better right? A person with a lot of low self esteem will set up situations where they say the negative in order to get you to say the positive. I actually used to do that a lot in high school! lol. The truth is though….they have to fight for themselves instead of getting someone else to do the work for them. He has a lot of emotional baggage he has to work through…otherwise, whomever he attaches to has a HUGE job of constantly validating him. All the validation in the world you offer him, will just go into a bottomless pit….it will never be enough because he doesn’t value himself.
I’m a little confused about what he said on the phone. Why was he saying “what’s the point and what’s the end goal?” What did you say?
If he wants you to work on letting go of the feelings and just be friends, then you need to honor that and get off the rollercoaster ride. That means however, no more contact. You need to heal your heart. Once you feel more grounded and centered and not attached to him, THEN at that point, you can offer friendship. I have no doubt though, it will be difficult for him as well. He will go through withdrawal on some level and my guess is, he may try to pull you back in on some level. That is, only if you completely disconnect. If you keep connecting, he will get his fix from you.
What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Carrie,
Thank you for sharing with us!!! I love that you are being pro-active in your situation. I fully believe that if people worked on the relationship when things were good and peaceful, the hard times are soooooo much easier to face together!
I would recommend also researching what military couples do to keep their relationships alive. They deal with long distance all the time!!!
What you do to keep him engaged is show him that you need him and value him. This is a general concept, so the more you get specific with your guy, the better.
Have you done the hero technique? Do you send texts where you appreciate him for specific things? Do you flirt? Phone sex or sexting? I always think it’s a good idea to also check in every once awhile and ask, “Is there anything I can do better for you? Tell me what I am doing that DOES work?” Create the time where you both can talk about what does work and what doesn’t work in the relationship.
Let me know your thoughts on wall those things and we can go from there! He’s lucky to have you!
Heidi
