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Hi Rachel,
It sounds like the healing is happening for you. You guys had such a wonderful connection and it’s sooooo normal to wonder “what if” and hope he calls and hope for something to start back up again. When you have the kind of connection you guys had, how can you not feel that way? You built a lot of dreams with him in it!
Everytime you start to head down that road of “I wonder….” you REMIND yourself IMMEDIATELY that as wonderful as your relationship was, as wonderful as he made you feel, HE WALKED AWAY FROM THAT!!!! That is a HUGE red flag!!! Anyone who walks away from a relationship that is healthy and nourishing and full of love….is so scared! That fear controls him, which means, even if he did call again and start a relationship with you, that fear would show up over and over again in some form or fashion and he is not the kind of guy to face his fear (at least not who he is today). That’s a major problem for a relationship! So remind yourself of his limitations as well! Remind yourself it’s over and that you WANT and NEED a guy who is willing to face his fears and not run.
Tell me your thoughts about this!
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It’s heartbreaking and shocking for sure! You have invested in him and he betrayed your trust. That’s a big deal! There is a way to heal.
I am VERY glad to hear that he admitted it, especially so quickly. I am VERY glad to hear that he is willing to get help and really look more deeply at the choice he made. To me, even though he broke his integrity, I have a lot of respect for someone who owns it and is willing to take ACTION to correct the hurt and harm by his choice. To me…that is a really good sign!
We all mess up. There are countless times where someone has deeply, deeply hurt me as well as me causing a lot of harm through my limitations and choices. It’s just a part of life and is guaranteed to happen. The goal here is, to develop your resilience. His choice has nothing to do with you. His choice is about subconscious thoughts and feelings that found their way to the surface to sabotage his relationship with you. Those subconscious thoughts / feelings are ruled by fear. It’s very scary to dive deep with someone. It is the most vulnerable place for a human being, which is why so many people struggle going there. It is not uncommon for someone to sabotage as they find themselves falling in love. Some will break their integrity, some will start to argue more, some experience their feelings disappearing. We all have different ways we sabotage and it is a RARE person who knows themselves well enough to identify those things as sabotage. Most people take those decisions at face value and don’t dig into them to find out what was driving those decisions / feelings etc. It can be a scary and uncomfortable place. Whatever caused him to make that decision, it was there way before you came along. My guess is, he is really falling for you and that is scaring him like crazy (on a deep level, not a conscious level). And also, he is a guy. They are much more easily manipulated into physical experiences than women. I’ve studied this quite a bit and what has been found is that if a guy cheats, as a 1 off kind of thing, it is more about just physically being stimulated than anything else. It was recommended to not take it very seriously. If a woman cheats however, it’s much more serious because women (in general) are less easily stimulated just by physical…our hearts are usually what gets stimulated which leads us into the physical. And because the heart gets involved, it’s considered more serious. Does this make sense? I’m not saying this as an excuse. I’m just offering up this “idea” and “theory” to help you get a different perspective about men vs women.
All in all Shannon, I would suggest to hold him accountable to getting help. He needs to learn about himself and really take a good hard look at his feelings about falling in love. He needs to have someone to help hold him accountable to what shows emotionally for him and how to communicate them with you (or anyone for that matter) and how to take care of himself. If he was not willing to really dig deep into what really was going on for him, then I personally would forgive him, but would not continue forward. But that’s me. I will not choose to be with someone who doesn’t take ACTION to help themselves heal. I need a man who is emotionally intelligent and has an interest in facing himself and his limitations. Otherwise, the mess-ups will just keep happening and there won’t be much change. That’s why people keep cheating and you hear “once a cheater, always a cheater.” That’s true IF the cheater doesn’t face themselves and get some kind of guidance as they begin to heal. You may not have that type of standard though and that’s okay. You have to decide what works for you and what you need in order for a relationship to have longevity.
As far as you forgiving him, it’s a choice. It can take time as well, as it’s a very deep betrayal. Part of what helps me have compassion is remembering my humanness. I have messed up many times and without a doubt, have major mess-ups in my future. One of the greatest gifts I have received is forgiveness from someone when I have caused great hurt. It humbles me and lets me experience what grace feels like. It helps me love myself in my worst. You can offer that to him. You can help him learn to love himself while he is struggling having to face the hurt he caused you. It’s a wonderful “wake up” season for him….I hope he uses it to its full extent.
Here is something to help get you started on your part of the journey and finding forgiveness for yourself and for him. Let’s keep talking. This kind of thing has a lot of layers to it and we want to help you through them, little by little.
Heidi
Hi Elena!!
Sooooo so good to hear from you!!! Isn’t this interesting??? I love these dynamics that show up because it just fascinates me! I completely understand all of it and what is happening AND it still is just so funny and fascinating how us humans operate. I’m just shaking my head right now at him….just laughing! It’s all so delightful!
Of course you would be pulled back in!!! Who wouldn’t be??? Regardless of all the woundedness and issue, you both have a strong attraction and pull towards each other. It hasn’t been in a the healthiest form, but that doesn’t change what is naturally there for you guys. He is saying things you’ve always dreamed he would say. My thoughts are that you have been the role model for him. You changing your energy, you loving yourself more and setting boundaries and discovering yourself….he watched (probably not on a conscious level) and now he is following suit, because deep inside of him, he is wanting the same thing!!!!
I sure hope he follows through on what he is saying. I agree with Kanya. It is soooooo important for him to go through this process without any distractions. If you guys fall into your old patterns, which he would happily do, he won’t be inspired to do the work. He NEEDS to feel uncomfortable. That is what is inspiring him to see a therapist, look at his life…..his soul is pushing him towards change, so if you get pulled back in, he will easily settle back into old patterns and this window of growth will close. So love him enough to stay away and KNOW that what you are doing for yourself is helping and role modeling for him what is possible. Who knows….once he really faces himself, maybe you 2 will be able to create a new pattern with each other romantically. That definitely is possible! But for now….you know what needs to happen for him. You would be giving him the BIGGEST gift you could ever give him, by staying away and sticking to the friend zone. That is the most loving thing you could do for him and for yourself as well. Love him enough to REQUIRE that he raises his vibration. Let’s see if he actually starts to follow through on his desires. This aloneness hopefully will be painful enough for him to take action.
I LOVE your last question about being feminine!!! I just got back from a conference where I REALLY resonated with this one particular speaker Denise Linn. Here is 1 of her books I just purchased and LOVE. I am very slowly going through it as I can tell this book will take me to the next level of what I am seeking. So I want to spend a lot of time with it! There are a lot of books and programs etc. about feminine energy and what it means. There are MANY approaches about how to connect to that side of ourselves and what it means to be a woman in relationship and in this world. Denise Linn resonated with me in a way that was special and just at the right time. She speaks the language of my soul I suppose :). Anyways, if this book and author doesn’t resonate for you, let me know as I have many other suggestions….I’m sure Kanya does as well, so between the 2 of us, we will be able to give you plenty of choices!
https://www.sacredspaces.org/b2075
heidi
This is a good video about the stories we tell ourselves with what is going on in a situation. Maybe this will help!
Hi Zoi,
I love all of your thoughts and your honesty!!! It gives us, as coaches, a much better chance at guiding you through this very difficult and confusing time.
Let me first address the odds and my experiences of men coming back to their women after breaking up. It’s mixed from what I have seen. Each couple has so many different dynamics that determine what happens. I will tell you however, that most of the time, the women do not choose to go back to them. When I work with my clients, I guide them towards healing, forgiveness, facing their fears (especially about being alone) and they get to a place where they feel so good! When the guys do come back, the ladies aren’t interested because they grew, they changed and healed. They raised their vibration and the guy didn’t….they know that heading back into a relationship with that guy, all the same patterns would show up because the guy is the same exact guy that left in the first place. The ladies have no interest in that as through the healing, their standards became higher.
There are a few times that my clients went back to the guy, but the guy also proved they had changed and they proved they were willing to work on the relationship, therefore they gave it shot. And then there of course are those guys that don’t come back. Regardless, my clients still healed and moved on.
A lot of what happens, especially after a breakup, is that the woman idealizes the man. Because she “loves” him and has that strong connection, all she feels is wanting him back. Her viewpoint of who he is gets VERY distorted. He is amazing, they “used to” have an amazing connection, when things were good, they were REALLY good. And all of that is true, but it’s only half of the story. What about the other half where he stopped communicating? What about the other half where he caused a lot of hurt? The thing about breakups, is that they hurts so badly that all you can think about is getting out of pain and feeling better…and people THINK and BELIEVE that if they could just get back together, the hurt would go away. Truth is, it may go away temporarily, but the same patterns will just show up again, the same rollercoaster will show up again and the same drama will show up again….UNLESS BOTH PEOPLE WORK ON THEIR ISSUES. If no one does anything to change, then nothing will change. Even if you did get him back Zoi, you are walking back to the same guy who will make the same decisions and treat you the same way. He will treat you well AND he will not treat you well.
In regards to your desires and wants, let me explain this a little differently, as I’m thinking there is a misunderstanding. I’m not saying, AT ALL, that you shouldn’t have those desires. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t desire connection and deep love with someone. I want the same thing as well! It’s an amazing experience to have!!! However, I’m not really worried about it whether or not that shows up in my life. In fact, I have no doubt I will get to have that experience in my life, to the level that I desire. AND….I trust that it will show up on my path when it shows up. I put myself out there, I am open to the experience and then I just let go. I do not try to force anything, I do not try to control the situation….I really honor WHAT IS. I have liked a handful of guys where it started out well and then fizzled out more on their end. Thank goodness!!! I’ll tell ya….once I disconnected from those guys and healed and became more objective, I saw much more clear and I saw how much they would not have been able to go the distance with me. When things ended, I honored that they needed to end (even when I didn’t understand it) and didn’t try to force and control the situation. I am at peace. Yes, I desire to meet and experience a love like no other AND I am at peace right now too, even though it isn’t here right now.
What I am saying is that it’s not your DESIRE that I am inviting you to shift or change….it’s the FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real. It’s the fear that is woven into your desires that pollutes EVERYTHING! It changes how you see people and experience life. If your desire for love is a flame, the fear is a giant tank of gasoline thrown onto that fire that turns it into something GIANT and uncontrollable and mostly….not real! The intensity of your desire exists because of the fear. Does this make sense? If you face your fear, then you find out what your TRUE desires are, how they exist and you will be able to experience relationship from a clear perspective vs. being polluted with fear. So again, the desire is part of who you are. Imagine your desire is a big lake. The fear mucks up the water, makes it polluted, turn green and creates a toxic, unbalanced environment. Animals won’t be able to live there. But if you get rid of the fear, the water becomes clear, you can see to the very bottom and that environment attracts all kinds of wildlife to enjoy the balanced environment. The lake (your desire) still exists…it’s just more healthy! Hopefully this makes a bit more sense where I am trying to guide you. I’m using any analogy I can think of! lol. Usually, at some point, a person will finally identify with it.
I understand you are always changing your mind. That’s normal. Your spirit is unrestful and fighting against what is happening. It is very possible that you not communicating anything, that at some point, he will return. The reason you cannot view your experiences with him as all good memories, is because you haven’t quite forgiven him yet for the hurt he caused. So for right now, maybe really consider just disconnecting and working with what you are afraid of. Give yourself a few more weeks. You will reach a place where you start to settle into how you feel more consistently. At that time, you can decide if you want to send him a text or not and what you would like to say. Right now, you are so up and down and that’s okay! Once you stabilize more, you might find it easier to make a decision.
So yes, I agree that it’s a good idea to NOT text right now AND work with your fear. The more you work with your fear, the more the fire will calm down, the more your lake will get more clear….the more YOU will become clear as to the next step.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
HI Rachel,
I’m so glad you came here and are connecting with us! We LOVE LOVE LOVE supporting people through their struggles. Thank you for letting us into your life!
You are doing such an incredible job! I love that you had some friends to hang out with and night swim and just have fun. This weekend doesn’t HAVE to be difficult. Why not spend some time visualizing this weekend where you are actually happy and having fun? It’s a way to keep programming your mind that this is what you choose…to be happy, to feel healed, to feel complete. The more you visualize and feel that, the sooner it will show up for you that way! Try it out. Spend 10 minutes each day, creating your day to feel exactly how you want it to feel like.
Every guy is different. Some guys know how to cut off really well, while others can be very emotional. From what you shared about your relationship, I have no doubt you left an imprint on him and influenced his life. Keep sending him love and light as that will help heal the connection between you guys.
What kinds of fun things do you have planned for the weekend?
I have no idea why I am saying this right now, but it popped in my head. Do you have a pet?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
I love how clear you are! I love that you know what works and doesn’t work for you and you are not willing to drag a guy through any in-decision. Well done!!
So how did it go????
Heidi
Hi Leta,
That’s also another approach and can definitely make sense.
Let me ask you this though….let’s take all the feelings out of it here and get very objective. Imagine you had a friend who said to you, “I want to keep in contact with a guy that I love, who is with another woman and miserable. He knows I love him and we had such an amazing connection, but he is still choosing this other woman. What should I do?”
I am wondering what you would tell your girlfriend.
What do you think about a guy who chooses to stay in a relationship where he is not happy over choosing to fight for his happiness and face his fears. What do you think it says about a guy who would rather be in chaos than to be alone and peaceful or with another woman who makes him feel amazing things?
Do you think this kind of guy has the ability to handle conflict well? Face fears in his life? Be a good leader in the relationship? Fight for the relationship to grow and expand and NOT SETTLE?
You say you are not ever going to settle, yet you are fighting for a guy who is settling in his life. Wouldn’t you rather be with a guy who won’t settle either? Who will do what it takes to make sure he is happy in his life?
Just some thoughts…I would love to hear more of yours!!!
Heidi
Hi Zoi,
I understand all of what you are saying. You sound very independent and that you know who you are separate than a man. You know what it is like to be single and totally okay with that. Right now, you WANT to experience love and have children and that is what is most important for you. You feel READY.
I have felt that way so many times in my life. Whenever I am “wanting” or “desiring” something that I don’t have, that is an instant sign for me, that I am looking OUTSIDE of myself to fix whatever I am feeling INSIDE of myself.
Lets look at several statements you have made above just by themselves:
“I just want to find my “partner for life” and “I am already 32 and I don’t mean that I am too old now or that I won’t be able to start having kids at 35 for example, but there are no guarantees for any of that and I just feel ready now, and I WANT something like that to happen to me.. not get married but just finally meet “my person” now…” and then you say :
I feel kind of “tired” not finding that special person
“I am not saying that I won’t have any happy moments at all if I don’t or that I need someone to “complete” me, but I just want to have this other part too..”
“as much as I can understand it, I am not in this place because I feel that right now I need some other things in my life
He may have sensed your need to connect and build a life with him with a “needy” type of vibe. That may have even contributed to his desire to disconnect (and he may not even understand that fully and completely. He just knew it was time to end things. Guys can sense that kind of stuff without knowing they are sensing it.)
Every single one of these statements says, “I am not feeling complete and fulfilled in my life right now. I want more and I want a different experience.” If those desires were 100% pure curiosity and wanting to grow in life, they are healthy, clear desires. If they were clear desires, you would be saying things like, “I am interested in growing and living a life where I get to experience love on a deeper level with someone. I trust it will show up for me whenever it shows up. Either way, I am happy and feel content in my life.” However, if fear is involved in any level, then those desires get polluted. Your fear is about a belief that “I won’t be okay, happy, feel complete and wonderful if I don’t get to have children or find a man to share my love and life with.” That is the lie that you are giving energy to. And that lie, that belief, that fear is influencing your need to settle. You say you won’t settle, yet here you are trying to do everything you can to get the attention of a man who has turned his attentions elsewhere. That is settling. You are fighting for a man who won’t even fight for himself and sure isn’t fighting for you. Do the reasons really matter? Do you REALLY want to have to “activate” anything in a guy to inspire him to be with you? Don’t you want to be with a guy where it’s just NATURAL and EFFORTLESS for him to love you and build a life with you?
You are absolutely spot on Zoi. No one can guarantee anything in life. You don’t even know if you will be alive tomorrow right? If anything can happen at anytime, either positive or negative, why invest your energy in the “not having” side of things. Why not live your life as if all of your needs are going to met and you will end up having an incredible life, no matter what happens? YOU DO HAVE THAT ABILITY! No matter what happens in your life, you have the CHOICE of how you are going to handle it. You can feel empty and feel as if something is missing, or you can feel complete and in gratitude for the beauty you have in your life. So you could end up a single lady for another 20 years and brilliantly happy OR you could end up falling madly in love brilliantly happy. That’s where I would focus my attentions as it just feels better and can absolutely be true! Kick that fear to curb and tell it to take a hike. You are going to choose, NO MATTER WHAT shows up for you in your life, that you are going to be happy, feel fulfilled and love your life exactly as it shows up for you. When you feel this way and face your fear, it actually will draw a man to you….maybe even this guy. So that’s why I am taking you down this path. I want to encourage you to face your fear so that it doesn’t have influence on the design of your life.
Now, I understand that you still want to keep trying with this guy anyways. I get that too. So here are your choices. If you feel like you are ready to close the door and create closure, you can maybe say something like this, “I saw something the other day that reminded me of you and it made me smile. I just wanted you to know that the time we did have together was wonderful and a gift for me. Although it was short lived, I will always hold good memories about all of it. I just wanted to say thank you.”
This way, you are appreciating him, saying thank you and communicated that there is closure. What do you think?
As far as moving forward to keep the possibility open, my suggestion is to take the friend approach. Instead of trying activate something in him (that may not even be there), the safest way to find out is to just check in and see if he responds. If he feels that you are trying to get him back, he will take that you being “desperate” and run the other way. Instead, play it cool and help him feel that you are totally okay. Men LOVE to feel that around a woman. A man loves to feel a confident, strong, complete and whole woman. It’s something he just “feels” about her, so that’s the vibe you need to give off.
So let me ask you this….if you believed that you are a catch. You are the most amazing woman that would come across any man’s path. Any man is lucky to have you and create a family with you. If you fully and completely believed that, without hesitation, then what would you say to this guy? How would you create the next interaction with him?
Heidi
Hi Leta,
I misunderstood then. I thought he said he had a “girlfriend” which is what lead me to believe he was cheating. I am so glad you are solid in that you would rather be alone than to settle! That is such an important concept.
I would recommend to not contact him. You said you loved him and left the ball in his court. Let him hit the ball back. If you keep connecting and initiating, it won’t let him fully embrace and be in his “less than ideal” choice of this other woman. He needs to be miserable enough to make a different decision. If you keep popping in and making him feel happy and connected, he won’t feel his misery to it’s full extent. If he is going to choose this other woman for now, let him be in his decision fully and completely without connecting with you and splitting his energy / thoughts.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
It’s doesn’t mean he wasn’t “the one.” Truth is, there are many possibilities in life. There is no such thing as “the one.” There is not just 1 person on the entire earth who can be a good match for you. Reality is, there are choices. You guys crossed paths and could have had a long experience together. But that is where free will comes in and BOTH people have to decide to take that journey together. The potential was accessed, but he walked away. So it’s not silly AT ALL that you are so “hung” up on him. He was a person who activated some wonderful feelings inside of you. Another person will be able to activate those parts of you again at some point. But for now, it’s about you letting go of the dream you created around him and replacing it with a new dream for your life. And that dream can include a man who doesn’t let fear stop him from experiencing the fullness of life. This guy, as wonderful as he was…he is not willing to face his fear. If he won’t face his fears, then you would have eventually run into some major problems with him. He disconnects and runs away instead of facing it. That makes any challenge VERY difficult. He most likely would have left you high and dry, several times, as you faced challenges in life together. He would not have been a good “team” member. That is what he is showing you about who he is and how he handles stress.
It’s going to take time. When you have patience, kindness and gentleness with yourself, you will be able to have easier access to it for others….like the other bridesmaid.
Keep talking to us and telling us how you are feeling! It helps and we can keep encouraging you through this!
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
Being in a wedding is really difficult when you just lost your guy. I’m so sorry! He may be missing you and that’s why he looked at your snapchat. The thing is, he is not doing anything about it. He is not asking how you are doing, he is not initiating any connection, he is barely responding to your efforts. He is being pretty straightforward. For right now, his fear is so big that he is not going to face it. I have found over the years, that many times the people that run from the best situations, end up feeling the loss a ways down the road. When there is good distance from the situation, all of a sudden, all the feelings will hit the person about what they had done. Sometimes they go running back trying to repair the situation, sometimes it’s too late and sometimes, they just choose to live with it. I have a feeling, this is how he is going to respond. It’s going to take awhile for him to realize what a good situation he had with you. Maybe once he realizes it, he will come running back and be ready to hold onto you for dear life. Maybe not. What is important for you now is to truly accept that he is moving on and continue to heal your heart.
It’s painful. There is no doubt about that. It’s okay that you broke down and texted him. I’ve done that stuff a million times! lol. Like Kanya said…it all happens in waves. Some days you will feel okay and others, depression and sadness and heartache fill every second of your day. The fastest way to heal is to take very good care of yourself and keep reminding yourself that it’s over. If you keep holding onto hope, on any level, it will prevent you from moving forward and truly healing.
What kinds of things are you doing for yourself these days? HOw are you taking care of your heart? What kinds of fun activities are you doing? Are you hanging out with friends / family a lot?
Heidi
HI Genevieve!
I’m so sorry we missed your post and it’s taken so long to respond. After 15 years, most women would experience a dryness in that area. Our sexual energy, drive and anatomy is a type of systemic “muscle” so to speak. It needs to be used in order for it to work well. If you don’t use this system, it’s very easy for the body to shut down physically and emotionally. I have no doubt that the dryness is a symptom of menopause of course, but it also would be a symptom of some emotional shutdown.
I do suggest you seek professional help with your doctor and discuss these challenges as dryness is a common thing. I would also suggest for you to energetically begin to open up your emotional state to being intimate again. It’s kind of like “priming the pumps” to wake up your system.
What do you think? Does this resonate for you at all?
Heidi
Hi Leta,
I think that is a good idea. You really opened your heart to him by telling him that you love him. Now he has a choice to respond and do something about that, or not. However, like Kanya said, be cautious in that he was cheating by being with you. He could break it off with this other girl and hop into a relationship with you and then do the same to you in a year. That’s a big red flag to me, when someone is cheating. It’s one thing to admit to it, own it, get some help about it in order to understand yourself better so you don’t do it again. It’s another thing to cheat and then do nothing about it really and continue to move forward. The latter kind of person is pretty much guaranteed to cheat again and again and again. It’s their way of handling stress and getting their needs met. Just something to think about.
Keep us updated and let us know what ends up happening. How long do you plan to wait for him to respond?
Heidi
Hi Massimo!
I am so sorry! It sounds like there are many, many dynamics at play here and a lot of misunderstandings and confusion.
I love that you both are willing to get counseling and talking through this. Just because of that alone, I believe any situation can be redeemed, if agreed upon. BOTH people have to work at it though and it sounds like that is what is happening.
How old is your husband by the way? How old is this “damsel in distress?”
Since he communicated that when you left for England, he felt you didn’t care anymore, it sounds like he opened himself up for connection and that’s exactly what he got….in an unhealthy way.
The biggest challenge here is, if he is really going to choose to make it work with you, he has to let go of this other girl. There is no other way around it. I’m sure that as you both head into therapy, this will be discussed and he will have to make some very hard decisions. He cannot make his marriage work with you as long as he ties himself to her, in any way. He needs to fully and completely choose a life with you and his family, if you are going to grow and heal…plain and simple.
How do you feel the condition of your marriage was when you left to England? Did you enjoy being married to him? Were you happy? Did you like how your marriage was? Do you have a good understanding about why he is struggling so much? Is he open about it and willing to talk with you about what he is feeling?
He may not want you to go back to Italy because of the other girl. Keeping you both in separate countries allows him to have both of you and level of privacy with each of you. He also may be protecting you from her and the full truth of the situation. Who knows. If I wanted to fight for my marriage, I would create a way to be together in the same space. If it’s possible, maybe he could move to England. If not, you might want to consider going back to Italy and seeing what really is happening. That is something that your therapist can help you both decide together. Since you guys agreed to take that path, have you found someone to help? Has that process been started yet? If not, when and how do you plan to get started?
Heidi
