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Hi Zoi,
I understand you are still wanting him to choose you and fight for you. Let me ask you this….do you really want to be a with a guy who feels okay not talking to you for 30 days?? That’s a long time to not talk to someone you are interested in. At the very least, there would be frequent contact throughout the week, efforts to meet up and memories to create. You want to fight for a guy who is showing no interest in you? You want to try to “convince” a guy that you are worth knowing and having in his life??? There is a guy out there for you that wouldn’t need convincing on any level. There is a guy out there that wouldn’t be able to stand to go an entire day without connecting in with you. There is a guy out there that has NOTHING standing in his way of moving forward with you. He won’t need to be convince, he will KNOW he wants you to be a part of his life. Wouldn’t you rather have that kind of experience?
At the end of 30 days, if you decide to create “closure” then it would send a mixed message if you also tried to convince him that he is making the “wrong” decision. So you need to decide which direction you would like to take. And you may not even know until that time comes. A lot of things can change in 30 days. You never know how YOU will feel then. So we can talk about what to say to him when that time comes. Until then, your job is to heal your heart, nurture yourself and start having some fun in your life…as much as possible. I know how hard having fun is when you are heartbroken! You need to fight for your happiness though. Do not let him steal your joy!!!
Heidi
Hi Mridusmita!
I’m a bit confused. You guys lived together, then he broke up, then he started seeing someone in February, but you still married him in March? and now he has moved in with her and won’t even talk to you?
You say that you are trying to be his “ideal partner” and change yourself. I am wondering what that looks like for you? What kind of person do you think he wants? How is that different than who you are?
I am also wondering what it is about him that makes you want to change yourself?
First and foremost, one of the most important aspects for a relationship to work successfully is for both people to respect themselves and each other. It doesn’t sound like you really respect yourself. If you are wanting to change who you are for someone else, that leads me to believe you don’t really like yourself in the first place.
Let’s talk about this. It’s an important piece of the puzzle and it will help us guide you through this more effectively.
Is he your first love?
How old are you? How old is he?
How did you guys meet?
What is his history with women? Has he been married before? I’m wondering if this is a pattern of his to hop from woman to woman. Do you know?
HOw do your parents feel about the situation?
Is there anything specific that happened that caused him to leave? Did you guys argue a lot? I’m wondering what inspired him to marry you, even though he was with another girl and then leave you in the end just to be with her. Why didn’t he just stay with her all along?Any details you offer can really help!!!
Heidi
Hi Holly!
Great question!!!
I want to invite you to slow down a bit. So far, there is not enough evidence to know that this guy has the ability to create an extraordinary relationship with you. You have barely spent any time together, so how do you know that you are “that” girl he can have a special experience with? Yes, there is a connection and yes…I can see that you feel something special for him. But for now…that’s the only evidence you have….a good connection. It takes time and effort and creating memories together (especially while living in the same area) to give substance to those feelings you have. Those feelings need depth, time under pressure and challenge in order to give those feelings some validity.
I’m not saying to give up….I just want to invite you to slow down your thinking. So far, if anything, he has disconnected some and just keeps saying “everything is fine” when you question him. From everything you have told me so far and how he has responded…I’m not so sold on him viewing you as being someone special. He may be a player, he may be that guy that knows how to say and do all the right things but doesn’t REALLY invest. OR….he may be an incredible match. WHO KNOWS! You need more time and evidence to determine either way.
So for now, what I suggest is to give him space. If he initiates contact, absolutely respond and be connective. If he doesn’t initiate, then you may want to consider what that means for you. Are you okay with a guy who isn’t naturally inspired by you? Are you okay being with a guy who doesn’t want to have you part of his day, through text or video or something? Are you okay being with a guy who feels okay NOT to connect after a few weeks? If you still want to keep giving it some space, you can always reach out and activate his hero instinct and ask for help with something. You can send him some funny videos and say “I thought of you when I saw this. Hope it makes you laugh like it did me.” And then see how he responds. I wouldn’t reach out and ask if he is okay, or how is he doing. Just send a light, silly message and then see if he responds and initiates some conversation with you.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Liga!
Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are asking a very good question. I can see why you are completely confused. He is definitely sending mixed messages. How the heck are you supposed to know which message is more true? The thing is, it is not your job to figure that out.
He is split….which means both messages have truth in them for him. The problem is, he is split. Which means whichever message is in the “driver’s seat” is the message that he will give authority.
The danger for you is this. You are agreeing to a “friends with benefits” type of design. You are allowing him to change his mind all the time and you are just going with the flow. There is nothing wrong with that, as long as you are on the same page and don’t really invest in him. The thing is, you are investing in him and wanting more, therefore you are going along for the ride, at the expense of yourself. You are putting your needs on the backburner, in order to keep him connected, in hopes he changes or finally decides to make a decision one way or the other. If you want something more from him, the first step is to RESPECT YOURSELF. When you respect yourself, have standards as to how you are treated, then he either aligns with that or he doesn’t. Either way, he will respect you and honor your standards. A man needs to respect his woman. If he knows that he can pull away when he wants, he can also kiss you when he wants, then he can pull away again….he is receiving the message that he can do whatever he wants with you and he will get whatever he wants from you. Again…not a big deal if you just want to “play” around, but it IS a big deal if you want him to take you seriously.
So first and foremost, before we guide you any further, it’s important for you to get VERY clear about what you want with this guy. What type of relationship do you want? Are you good with just being playful and having fun and not really getting attached? Or are you wanting something with more depth?
Heidi
Hi Holly,
I’m curious. You said he knows how amazing he is and a lot women feel the same way as you do. How do you know this?
I would suggest to no longer initiate contact. If he is really interested in seeing you, he will make plans. He is very non-committal in how he is talking. He is in your home town and if he cannot make something happen while he is there, either he really, truly is having hard time and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to be with a woman right now (which is very likely) or he is just not that interested to make any further advances. Either way, he needs the space and time. If he is still interested in you, he will make it known. I would suggest to give him a set amount of time (maybe 2 weeks). If he doesn’t initiate contact by then, it might be time for you to let the idea go and move on.
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Kerry,
I know everything was great for 4 months. The beginning is usually really easy. It takes time for fears, insecurities and negative beliefs to show up.
You are right in that he most likely DOES desire a deep connection. Most people do, but like I said, the fear gets activated and gets so big, that it becomes stronger than his desire to love and connect. This is my best guess at what’s happening. If something is “missing” inside of him, he knows it. Again, LISTEN to what he is saying.
I think the best way to re-connect is back to a friendship level. If he feels the pressure is off, you guys can build a great friendship and build up some trust with each other. He can learn that he is safe around you and having you in his life is better than not.
Is there anything you need help with? If you ask him for help with something, it could be a good way to re-connect and go from there. When you do see him, stay light, fun, connective and charming.
What do you think?
heidi
Hi Zoi,
Sorry we missed your message! I am glad you are staring to feel ready for closure. It’s so hard and it’s even more difficult when there is confusion involved. He really did send you a lot of mixed messages. I tend to pay more attention to the actions someone shows me vs. the words. Both are important and BOTH need to be in alignment to know what is true for someone, in any given moment. He was telling you one thing and then showing you another. It may have been intentional or he truly may have been confused. Who knows. At this point, it doesn’t really matter as it’s over and it’s time for you to create a different path.
I typically advise people to just keep the closure basic and simple. If you were to have a face to face conversation about what was happening in the relationship, then it would be more appropriate. But being that you guys are no longer in that kind of communication, saying something short and simple is good. Your feelings and experiences and opinions do matter. The thing is, you always want to make sure that whomever you share all of that with, thinks it matters as well! I have a feeling that he may not really be interested in all of your experiences and how he made you feel towards the end. And then that would just expose you to feeling even more rejected.
So you can say something like, “I just wanted to create closure on my end. I know you have already moved on, but now I am going to move on and really let you go. It’s time for me to accept your choice. I just wanted you to know that. I won’t be contacting you anymore. I wish you the best of luck and will walk away appreciating everything we got to share together. Take care!”
How does that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi April!
It sounds like something has happened. Usually, whenever there is a sudden change in someone’s feelings, something has happened. He got triggered somehow and isn’t sharing with you whatever has happened or how he is feeling. It sounds like he is wanting time to sort things out. I’m guessing he still really likes you and that is why he is asking for more time vs. just cutting everything off right away. That means there is a little hope left.
I would suggest to take a breath and just let him come to you when he is ready. Give him the space and time and compassion as it sounds like he is dealing with something pretty difficult.
You can always message him saying, “I don’t understand what is happening, but that’s okay. I do miss you and I hope that at some point we can re-connect. Until then, know that I am sending you some good vibes and hope everything is okay. Take care.”
If he feels, on any level, that you are mad at him or disgruntled, he will not want to re-connect as he doesn’t want to get yelled at. If he knows you will be a good listener, be open and receptive, he may respond to you sooner than later.
You can send him that message or something similar, so he knows you are safe and won’t yell at him and then leave him be. Give him some time. After a few weeks, if he hasn’t responded, you can try activating his her instinct to get him to re-connect.
What do you think?
Heidi
HI Rachel,
An easy going quality can definitely lead into over extending yourself and being a people pleaser….which leads into staying quiet and not confronting or voicing your true feelings. People pleasers usually have an entire INTERNAL world, just to themselves and no one knows. Then one day, their internal world gets so filled up, they HAVE to take action and whatever that action is, most people are totally surprised, because they never saw it coming. It’s a WONDERFUL quality and it is a quality, when out of balance, that can really sabotage relationship.
Have you ever heard of Brene Brown? She has some WONDERFUL youtube videos that can really help people heal, feel validated and learn new ways to deal with the challenges of life. Here is a video that may help some.
Heidi
Here is a video talking about it. Not my favorite, but she is actually mostly acturate. There is a TON of info about it. You should do some reading about it and see what you think!
In the meantime, it is crucial that you keep loving and taking care of yourself. Movies are a GREAT help. It’s a good 2 hour brain break. Watch movies where the main characters struggle and then heal. It will help you to watch that and know that you can heal too…no matter what happens. Go visit some animals! Getting around animals can be quite healing. They are so connective and can be very loving!!! Is there a shelter nearby? You can even volunteer there and help walk the dogs or something like that. Or go to a pet store and play with some kittens! Is there any hobby like latin dancing, painting, sculptures, knitting…anything that can bring some fun into your life??? Start those up!!! Give yourself a project to do that fills up your heart right now. What about volunteering with kids or somewhere where you can help other people. That can always be very healing as well!!!! You can really connect with people while helping them in their time of need.
Thoughts?
HeidiHi Rachel,
I totally get it! My last boyfriend had that same affect on me! I knew, from day 1, without a doubt that we would NOT last, yet we had the MOST WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP I have ever had! When we split, it was healthy, kind and it was just time. I had broken up so many times in my life, but for whatever reason, this breakup knocked me off my feet in a way I had never known before. I could eat, I was constantly in pain, constantly thinking about him (it didn’t help that we worked together…lol). It was the most painful breakup I had ever had. I know that if he were to show up in front of me in this very moment, those crazy butterflied would jump in my stomach in an instant! I would never get back together with him, but it would take every ounce of strength to hold to that for sure! I’ve read a lot about this kind of stuff. There is a common term I have come across in my readings called “the twin flame.” Basically, it’s like having a relationship with a specific someone who once was a part of you. So imagine you both were one flame, split into 2, came to earth as 2 different people and then you found each other here on earth and it’s a match like no other. It’s deep, it’s effortless, it’s natural, it’s very real, there are no words to even explain how it feels. So when trying to separate from a twin flame, it feels impossible. It feels like you lost a part of yourself. It is extremely difficult! I wish being in a relationship with your twin flame was a guaranteed success, but it’s not. Both people still need to make that choice. Many times, it doesn’t work because it is so intense and 1 or both people just don’t have the capacity to handle it.
Hi Rachel,
I totally get it! My last boyfriend had that same affect on me! I knew, from day 1, without a doubt that we would NOT last, yet we had the MOST WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP I have ever had! When we split, it was healthy, kind and it was just time. I had broken up so many times in my life, but for whatever reason, this breakup knocked me off my feet in a way I had never known before. I could eat, I was constantly in pain, constantly thinking about him (it didn’t help that we worked together…lol). It was the most painful breakup I had ever had. I know that if he were to show up in front of me in this very moment, those crazy butterflied would jump in my stomach in an instant! I would never get back together with him, but it would take every ounce of strength to hold to that for sure! I’ve read a lot about this kind of stuff. There is a common term I have come across in my readings called “the twin flame.” Basically, it’s like having a relationship with a specific someone who once was a part of you. So imagine you both were one flame, split into 2, came to earth as 2 different people and then you found each other here on earth and it’s a match like no other. It’s deep, it’s effortless, it’s natural, it’s very real, there are no words to even explain how it feels. So when trying to separate from a twin flame, it feels impossible. It feels like you lost a part of yourself. It is extremely difficult! I wish being in a relationship with your twin flame was a guaranteed success, but it’s not. Both people still need to make that choice. Many times, it doesn’t work because it is so intense and 1 or both people just don’t have the capacity to handle it.
Hi Fong,
I wanted to check in again and see how you are doing. I imagine you are struggling as your feelings and connection with this guy are very strong.
It’s a tough situation. I have coached many couples / singles who end up dealing with different viewpoints on children. My ultimate goal is to get them on the same page…whether it means they continue to grow together or they go separate ways. I wish love and connection were enough to make a relationship last. We wouldn’t have a 50% divorce rate if that were all it took. Reality is though, like-mindedness is crucial. Without heading in the same direction of your lives, a relationship will not last.
He wants the option of children. You are at an age where adopting would be the safest option for you guys. Is that something you guys have talked about? Or maybe a surrogate? It sounds like this is the only thing standing in the way. Would you agree? If you were younger, you feel he would have chosen to stay with you and have children with you?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,
I understand your struggle. He sounds so romantic and gentle and caring and connective. Everything you have explained is sooooooo wonderful to experience! This is what makes disconnecting feel impossible. When you bond on that level, when you feel cared for on that level, the thought of disconnecting from someone who makes you feel so wonderful…it just hurts the heart like crazy.
As wonderful as he is, you can only “lead a horse to water, you cannot force it to drink.” It’s such a sad thing because you KNOW that if he were to just face his fears, he would get to experience and even more amazing love with you as you guys grew closer. His fear is big enough for him, that it is causing him to run and there is nothing you can do about that. It’s sad that he is choosing to run. Who knows though…many times, something will happen and could shift his fear enough to where he would become more willing to re-connect. Being that he is not a strong communicator, any relationship is going to be difficult with him, especially long term. Communication challenges are always rated in the top 3 reasons why people get divorced. He is in for a very lonely and challenging life if he doesn’t start to work on that part of himself.
There are plenty of gentleman that communicate really well. I promise they are out there….AND they are romantic and passionate and connective as well. They do exist. I have worked with them and they come across my path many times. But for right now, this is about you getting very clear. For right now, keep working on healing your heart. In about a month you can contact him, asking for help and then see what happens. I would steer clear of contacting his mother for right now as well. He needs to have her as HIS support system…even if he doesn’t talk about it. Her loyalty belongs with him.
Do you feel you are able to do this??? I’m not saying it’s over. I’m saying it might be a good time to really take a complete break from all of it, gain perspective, let your heart heal a bit and THEN re-evaluate in about a month.
What do you think?
Heidi
Oh Jean,
I am so sorry to hear this! Or course you cried. Something like that really hurts. I am wondering if the handful of conversations about his addiction is what is causing him to put walls around his heart. An addiction to anything will interfere with a relationship. Truth be told Jean, I’m not sure you would want to spend the rest of your life with a guy who prioritizes porn and pictures over you. You will always play second fiddle to his addiction. He knows that and I imagine he would not want to hurt you that way. He knows it’s a problem, but reality is, as long as he is single and not really attached, he gets to have his relationship with porn without anybody bothering him about it.
Maybe it’s time for you to really look at whether or not this is the kind of man you want to spend the rest of your life with. He is not much of a team player when it comes to facing challenges. It sounds like he wasn’t interested in understanding, nor working with you and your experiences. It sounds like it was pretty much all about him, it is what it is and you have to deal with it. Is this the kind of person you want to go through life with? Love and connection are not enough to sustain a relationship. What truly sustains a relationship are 2 people who are willing to work with each other, respect each other, listen to each other and care enough about the other person to work on changing the parts that are causing harm to a relationship.
So you are at a point now, where you either completely accept this and never discuss it again, or it’s time for you to consider if this is how you want to feel all the time. You may be able to get over your own insecurities over time, but the truth that he would choose his porn and pictures over a relationship with you….I’m not sure that is something anyone is meant to “get over.”
I know this hurts. Your heart is breaking and you have a lot of things to think about and a decision to face. I am so sorry! We are here for you. Keep talking to us. We can keep helping you through this, no matter which path you choose!
Heidi
